Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - The High Priestess

Episode Date: April 7, 2022

Conan consults with tarot reader Patti to receive his very own personalized fortune. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Konan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Konan. Okay, let's get started. Hi there, Patty. Meet Konan, Sona, and me. Thank you. Hi, everyone.

This is so exciting. Well, we're excited too, Patty. What's your, your name is Patty Woods. That's all I was told about you. That's correct. Okay. I live in Trumbull, Connecticut. Where is Trumbull, Connecticut?

It is, um, it's on the coast, Fairfield County. So about an hour and a half outside of New York. Do you go into the city a lot? I used to before COVID. I haven't been back. Ah, just go in. Go in next week. Go in.

It's time. People have to mix it up. I know it is time. I have tickets to see David Byrne next week, so that will be fun. Oh, okay. I always, when someone mentions a different entertainer, I, I feel like it's a slight. Well, I, if, if you were available, I would, I would ditch him in a second. There you go.

There you go. Now you're on the right track. Even though what David Byrne and I do is wildly different and I'm a massive David Byrne fan and I think he is by far the superior artist. Uh, I still, we do. Yeah. We were a similar size suit, but still, when you mentioned, I'm going to go see another entertainer.

That's how bad my disease is. I thought, oh, I see. That's how we're going to play it. No, no. Well, maybe I'll talk to a different fan. Uh, yeah. Oh my God. Sorry, Patty.

Sorry, Patty about this. Now I'm fresh. Patty, uh, we, um, we got off on the wrong foot and I, I blame myself. Uh, and I blame, tell us, uh, tell us what you do. Tell me what makes Patty Woods a unique individual? Well, I am a terror reader, which I know. Don't get hung up on the stereotype. I don't have a neon sign.

You know, I'm not going to tell you you're going to die. You're a tarot reader. So, so, uh, those are the cards. I'm not sure I understand what's the difference between say a fortune teller that's got a crystal ball and a tarot reader. Right. Well, so, um, a, you know, that's the stereotype. The fortune teller looking into the crystal ball telling you scary stuff about yourself.

I am not that I use cards, tarot cards. And they, they're, they're there for as a tool to give direction, to look at things in your life that maybe you've missed or you're ignoring possibilities. How did you get into this? Well, I, you know, I, I, I'm the youngest of five kids and we were always, my mother was always telling us about our family was from Bohemia and my great-grandfather was like a mystic and, and, and so there was always this mysterious atmosphere. My mother would read our tea leaves for fun.

And so I was always drawn to that kind of stuff. And then one day my sister brought a deck of cards home and I was like, what are those? I was immediately drawn to them and it's just, they spoke to me. It's like another language. Um, and I just started reading for family and friends and just kept going with it. How do you know when it's going, when you, when you're doing it well, are you able to tell things to people that really resonate? Like they say, oh, wait, that's true.

Um, yeah. Really? Yeah. It's, it's, yeah. I, some, sometimes you never know what's going to come out of the cards. Like for, for example, I was doing one reading and this woman wanted to know about her love life, her job, blah, blah. But I was like, this is going to sound really weird.

I'm like, do you have chickens? And she was like, yeah, actually I have chickens. And it turned out, like I said, one of these chickens is being bullied. You need to, you need to address this. This is a real recurring theme on this podcast. It's been coming up a lot. It's been coming up a lot. Animals bullying.

Bullying chickens? Just animals bullying animals, which is something I will not stand for, by the way. I'm like, Noah had this problem on the Ark, you know, the constant bullying. The camels were just assholes. They were constantly wandering over and bullying the skunks until he confined the camels to an entirely separate part of the Ark. Look, this is history. It's a fact.

Ironically, though, the bulls were very nice. Oh, the bulls could not have bullied less. That's something that is quite stunning. Patty, I'm just going to ask you one question. The woman who you said, by any chance you have chickens, you saw chicken feathers in her hair, didn't you? I did not. Yes, you did.

Yes, you did. I did not. You did. I did not. And you're allergic to chicken feathers and you started sneezing. And then you went, by the way, is there a chicken in your life? And she said, oh my God, you're a mystical, magical portal into another world. Was she holding a chicken?

No. Okay. She was in a city setting too, so that it was fully bizarre. But a chicken had driven her over to your apartment. Possibly. Listen, I'm just saying, Patty, I am, as you can probably tell, one of the finest. Skeptic. Not a skeptic.

I call myself a detective of the mind. And I'm just looking. I have to probe. I have to ask questions to make sure that you're the real deal. That's all. Absolutely. And I love that. Well, maybe you could tell me something about myself.

I would love to. Do I have permission to pull a card for you? Yes, you do have permission to pull a card. Okay. Shuffle, shuffle. Yep. See, I'm shuffling. It's not pulled out.

That sound you're hearing is the shuffling of cards. Yes. Okay. This is exciting. We don't know what's going to happen. Oh my gosh. Okay. You got this beautiful six of cups.

Okay. I'll describe it. Describe the picture. There's two children. It's a very sunny, happy card. One of the children is offering the other bouquet of flowers. Okay. And there's a real sense of nostalgia in this card.

So I would say maybe somebody from your past has been on your mind. Maybe you need to connect with them right now. Let me think. Past. Nope. Okay. No, no, no. I'm kidding.

Well, that's just such a broad statement. So yes, often there are people in our past that are on our minds. Okay. Yes. I drew a line. When I became famous in 1993, I decided to cut all ties with everyone before then. Well, here's other cards. That's what you're supposed to do.

Harrison Ford told me that's what you're supposed to do. And I did it. So I don't speak to, I've not spoken to my parents, my brothers, my sisters. Anyone from pre-fame had to go. Mm-hmm. Well, and this is the other thing you need to offer in all branch to somebody. It's time for forgiveness. Wow.

So, yeah. Well, if only there was someone close to me who I probably owed an apology to. Who would that be? And honestly, I just pulled a high priestess. I think that's sauna. Yay! I'm offended. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I haven't gotten to you yet, Matt. Okay. I apologize. Okay, so sauna is the high priestess. That's the card you just pulled. And sauna, I do think of you as a high priestess. Yeah.

You're often high. You apologize? No, I don't apologize yet until I know, Patti, what do I have to apologize to sauna for? Do you think? Oh my God. I know what you have to apologize to her for. What? For calling her bad on one of the previous podcasts.

Thank you, Patti. Wait, wait. Did you say one of the previous podcasts? Thank you, Patti. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, no. It wasn't.

Patti, I have demeaned her work ethic in every episode of the podcast. On principle. But you specifically called her bad, didn't you? Yeah. Although I did understand where you were coming from. Yeah. Oh, Patti, come on. So, no, not in being bad, but in your rationalization of it.

But I digress. She uses my name to get like reservations and drinks at restaurants that I'm not going to. That's bad. That is bad. She brought a dog to a restaurant that doesn't allow dogs because she knew that I was going to be joining her there and she thought the wait staff won't say anything if Conan O'Brien's there. These are the actions of a terrible person.

He makes large groups of people laugh at me and then he forces me to high five him immediately after he's made fun of me. That's terrible. Yeah. So, he does that. He had everybody calling me a vampire for the first, like, three years that I worked for him. Do you not drink the blood of the living so that you can live forever?

Do you not, Sona? I don't, actually. I don't do that because I'm not a vampire. I don't even know. You know why it started? Because I was speaking Armenian to my grandma and he said it sounded like I was arguing with Dracula. It did sound.

And? And? Yeah. And it just sounded, it sounded, it sounded, that's what it sounded like to me. It sounded like Dracula was trying to talk to a fellow vampire and trying to get him down on the price of a used car. That's what it sounded like. Yeah.

What do you, what do you have to apologize for? What do you have to apologize for? And so I just, I didn't know so I came out and I was legitimately describing what I had heard. And so, listen. I will say, Sona, I'm looking at your Zoom background. I don't see a single crucifix hanging on the wall. And guess what?

You're right. The vampire has massive crucifixes hanging on the wall. Several times. Several times. I've visited, and of course I was raised very Catholic and come from a very Catholic background and family. I've given Sona crucifixes and said, here, this is for your home. I picked this up in Rome.

It's really beautiful. And she goes, and knocks it out of my hand. And then it bursts into flames. Somebody once gave me for Secret Santa all vampire gifts because everybody on the show thought of me as a vampire. And so someone once gave me a bottle of wine that looked like blood. They, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. They gave me a thing of, I mean. Well, look what you've done. I want to give Patty, let's make this about Patty for a second. I know. Well, no one really believes that you're bullied in anybody. You owe me an apology. You owe me an apology.

Yeah. I tried Sona. Patty, what you've done, what you've done very quickly is with one tarot card, or actually two because you're the high priestess one, but basically with the pulling of two cards, you opened up this whole world, this rift, this portal into a, listen, admittedly sick world, but that is a gift. You got us talking. That, and that is what they're there to do, to make the connections.

Can you tell me anything about a past life or a future life? Oh, yeah. No one ever talks about a future life. Like, who am I going to be in the next life? They're always obsessed with the last life. Oh, you want to know who you're going to be in the future life? Yeah. That's a great question.

Yeah. All right. Okay. I know in the past life, I'm, I do not believe that I was a historic figure in the past life. I think I was probably just a wise ass in a field who was killed by other farmers for talking too much. Your future life is going to be the one like rare example of where someone can go, hey, I think I was someone big in the past life.

I was Conan O'Brien. Hey, that's cool. That's pretty wild. Matt, that's the sweetest thing. The idea that in the future, people will still talk about me and know who I am. This guy will at least. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. This is an extensive search, an extensive internet search to find out who Conan O'Brien is. Who's Conan Gray? Yeah. I was a great pop star. I was Conan Gray. No!

I come from beyond the grave. Conan O'Brien. I'm sorry, Patty. Okay. So that's okay. So who am I going to be in the future? This is, this is kind of interesting actually. Your future life is going to involve a lot of hard work.

Boo. However, I think you will also be a deep sleeper. You're going to take a lot of naps in the day. So I'm going to say that you're a tourist first of all, but you have the ace of swords. I think I'm going to say, which is very interesting that we're looking at the future. I think it's a like a civil war reenactor. Oh my God, your dream job. Well, first of all, I did a remote.

You can look it up on YouTube where I went to Atlanta and I was a civil war reenactor. So I've done that. I think I was, I think I was terrible. I went on, I remember, I don't know if you remember this one, Sona, but I sat around a campfire and all I did was talk about my mama's peach pie and how I crossed the river over yonder and man, all I did was babble like a chimp the whole time. Maybe this is like karmatic punishment where you didn't do it right in this life and so you're forced to be a civil war reenactor.

You know what? I was, guess what? I was the first civil war reenactor. I was a union soldier and I was killed by other union soldiers. They were done with you. They killed me with bayonets and with rocks. Well, okay, so, so it's going to be a lot of hard work and some sleeping and then you took this crazy leap to civil war reenactor.

Yeah, yeah. So I was just getting like a vision of who you were because I think you just work hard during the day. It's not a very, I mean, you know, you're in the spotlight now. So in your next life, you're not going to be in the spotlight. It's just going to be kind of a mundane life, but then you get to do this stuff on the weekends with the reenactment. That's cool.

Well, what a chilling vision of the future. Well, you'll work hard during the week, but you'll take a lot of naps and you'll be a civil war reenactor on the weekends. Look, not every life can be exciting. No, trust me. Matt, Matt, tell us, right? Not every life can be exciting. Yeah, I'm living my future life.

You have this. You have a very good time at those swap meets. I don't go to swap meets. Yeah, please, you do. I go to the markets. Do you have any bakelite? I'm looking for those bakelite cups that were made in the early fifties that have a mint green tint.

Patty, could I borrow that sword from that card? Actually, I just pulled the same card for Matt twice, so I have to address those. Three of Panicles. Matt, right now, I think you're too focused on, sorry, Conan, you're too focused on your work. You need to look up. You need to have a little more fun. Literally look up.

Yeah. Sorry. I do think that Matt could have more fun. I don't want him to focus less on his work, and I'll say this, a rare compliment. I try not to compliment Matt or Sona because it goes against the grain of everything I believe in. But Matt does a terrific job, works very hard to make this podcast, to take our ramblings and foolishness and forge it into something somewhat professional.

So I hope that he doesn't turn away from his work. But I do want Matt to have more fun. He's got a new baby, he and his wife, and I think what the cards are saying is it's time to leave your family and hit the club scene. I think the cards are clearly saying, I should be released and dismissed right now to go be with my family and have fun. Right literally. How old is your...

Yeah. She's almost six months. Yeah. There's no fun yet. It's a lot of spitting up and glubble, blibble, blabble, blubble. There's nothing happening. Well, it's adorable. You need to take a trip.

You need to plan a trip. Yeah. You need to... Yeah, the best time to plan a trip, and this is as foretold by the cards, is when you have a six-month-old. She said dad that already. Aw. Aw.

It wasn't me she was talking about. I know, I was going to say. She was looking at a photo of Spiro Agnew that you have taped to the wall. Well, Patty, tell me how I can help you. You've... I'm not going to say you've helped us because it's frankly been a lot of craziness, but... And who can say? Who can really say?

But how can I help you? I don't know how we can help her. Yeah. I have some James Bond tarot cards. I can pull them for you. Oh, I love that. Really? Okay.

Hold on. You have them? Oh my God. Of course he has. James Bond tarot cards. I'm going to ask a question. Are those from the movie? Live and Let Die.

Okay. Those are awesome. Yeah. How old are those? They're from, I think they're from the era, so that movie came out in 73, so there's some. I love that movie. I do too.

I really love Live and Let Die. Of course, probably the best Bond song of all time. Thank you, Paul McCartney and Wings. But... Yeah. Oh my God. Look at that. Those are awesome.

It's really pretty. Okay. So, you've got your cards out and... Do I shuffle? Yes, shuffle. Give them a good shuffle. Put your energy into them. Yeah.

Nice. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's exciting. Wow. Remember, this is a podcast. It's not a... I'll shuffle more into my...

It's not a visual medium, so... There you go. That's great. All right. Then what do I do, Patty? Okay. You can spread them out and feel the energy. Feel which one is calling your name.

Okay. Which one do you want to pick? Okay. This is for you, Patty. So, all right, I got it. Oh my gosh. It's so exciting. Concentrate here, man.

Concentrate. Got it. Concentrate. Okay. Patty, it's the King of Coins. Yeah. Cha-ching. Excellent.

Whoa. Oh, Patty. Oh, Patty. Here comes the money. Here it comes. You're supposed to be this religious spiritual figure that's leading us to a higher purpose and you shout cha-ching the minute your card is called? Just like the rest of us.

Just like, in fact, look at the next card. The fool. That's my favorite card. Oh. That's my... Oh, yay. Yay. You love the fool?

I do. It's about going through life just with no cares. Knowing what comes at you, you don't need to be so structured and planned all the time. You know what? That's interesting to me because I feel that I've gone through life as the fool, but I'm not a carefree person, right, Sona? No, not at all. I know.

That was not a description of you. No, but what I'm saying is I always thought of... If someone was going to assign me the card, they might say, you're the fool, and I do think I embody some aspects of the fool clearly, but I'm not a carefree chappy. You're not. No. Well, I did your astrology, too, Sona. You're an Aries, and that's very powerful.

It's very much a leadership sign, so that's kind of working against the carefree... But your moon is Aquarius, so you have this underlying current of mysticism, too. Yeah, I do have very mystical powers. What? Patti, I just want to say I pulled the last card for you, and it's just an ad for the complete illustrated book of James Bond. It's an ad for the book, the James Bond book. Okay.

Well, that means, hey, Cha-ching, you know? Cha-ching. All right. Well, Patti, this has been illuminating, and do you think our paths will cross? Patti, what is your instinct? What does your powers tell you? Do you think we will...? Oh, my God.

I pulled the card. Absolutely. I think we should team up on something. Wait, you know, I'm married. I can't... I understand. I am, too. But maybe we're soulmates.

Yeah, but also, what are we doing? Marriage, it's such an ethereal bond. So, we live in the stars, you know? That's right. So, who's to say that... Why are we constrained by these lowly bonds and chains that we have forged, this bureaucratic system of marriage? You and I are beyond that.

Absolutely. That's your Aquarius coming out there, baby. Yeah, put it back in. Your Aquarius is showing. Well, Patti, very nice talking to you. Seriously, and thank you for sharing your powers with us. And best of luck, and I see good things ahead for you. Thank you.

I do. I appreciate that. No powers. So, that meant nothing. Yes, you do. Everyone has powers. Well, clearly. Thank you, Conan.

And, Sona, I hope you get your apology. Thank you. I hope so, too. Thank you, Patti. You know what? Guess what, Patti? She will in the next life. Oh!

Bye, Patti. Bye. Bye, Conan. Bye, Sona. Bye, Matt. Bye. Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely, produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive

produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Soloteroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vivino, supervising producer, Aaron Blair, associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples, associate producers, Sean Doherty, and Lisa Berm, engineered by Will Beckton. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production, in association with Stitcher.