Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - The Juili Juanka of Juárez

Episode Date: September 1, 2022

Conan chats with Kevin in Juárez, Mexico about working in a candy factory and the one bit of American history Conan thinks every first-time visitor should know. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. And oh my goodness, in the flesh, I see all three. Look at you, Kevin. It's Conan, David, and me. How you doing, Kevin?

How y'all doing? We're doing great. Doing good. Very nice to see you. Kevin, where are you calling from? I'm y'all doing? We're doing great. We're doing good. Very nice to see you. Kevin, where are you calling from? I'm calling from Ciudad Juarez, Mexico. It's right across the border from El Paso, Texas. Okay, Juarez,

Mexico. I've not been to Juarez, Mexico. Tell me about Juarez, Mexico. Educate me. Well, it's one of the most dangerous cities in the world. Oh. Do you work for the Tourist Bureau? Is that what you do? Kevin, welcome to the most dangerous city in the world. Do you work for the Tourist Bureau? Is that what you do? Kevin? Welcome to the most dangerous

city in North America. I mean, it is a superlative. They're one of the best. Yeah, when you're the best at something, you've got to talk about it. The other thing that we have going for us is that we had the only nuclear disaster this side of the Atlantic. Congratulations!

Wait a minute. What was I don't I didn't hear. I've heard that Juarez can be quite dangerous. And I hope you're you're being careful and taking care of yourself. What was the nuclear disaster? Well, basically, somebody had a hospital that did radiation therapy and that hospital went broke and all the machines went into a junkyard people didn't know what they were and they took that machine and just melted it with the rest of the steel and they made construction um bars and they shipped it to the u.s too so there was a bunch in the u.s that's how they caught it in New Mexico. They caught the the bars of steel. See, this is my complaint

with most comic books. In a comic book, that turns you into a superhero. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. The Hulk is,

Bruce Banner is riding in an elevator that was made out of steel that was irradiated and then he comes out and he's the Hulk. And then he has an illustrious career.

But in real life, you just get kind of uh sick you know what i mean it's terrible like they lost their houses and things you know like they had to like destroy 800 buildings around that that's too bad i bet some people before that were like you know it's great i my electricity bill is zero i just plug i plug stuff in and it just works and uh we're not And we're not even wired. This is incredible. I have to use my heater.

Yeah, my blender took off into the atmosphere. It was incredible. I bought a Trader Joe's microwave meal and it came in cooked. Yeah, exactly. We could go like this all day about this terrible nuclear accident, but we won't. So you live in

juarez and this is uh it's gang activity that makes it so dangerous is that right yeah well basically you know uh a lot of the drug cartels and everything like the big market is the u.s so they the the border zones are usually a hotbed for that type of activity but i mean it's still a pretty uh industrial town that it has a bunch of, it's still a pretty industrial town that has a bunch of people. It's a really big city. And given that you're only going to work and coming back, it's not that dangerous. If you were staying out late and doing things like that, you might get into trouble. But otherwise, it's a pretty normal city. Would I stick out if I hung out in Juarez?

Would I stick out if I hung out in Juarez? If I hung out in Juarez and I stayed out late and was constantly talking about how I'm the most badass drug dealer, I'd get into trouble, wouldn't I? You might. It might be really amusing. No, I think it'd be a little amusing. I think that would be a terrible idea for a remote for me to do. Yeah, I'm wondering why you're even considering it. Conan poses as a new rival dealer in town who's shooting his mouth off, saying there's no way any of you can stop me.

Now it sounds pretty good. It could be like a Peaky Blinders thing, you know? Oh, I could have the Peaky Blinders cap and be walking around going, Hey! Oh, you think you're gonna... I'm the new game in town, see? I like this. Yeah, and I've got... Watch out for me, because I've got a razor blade in my cap.

That's gonna be the... I doubt you have anything to match that. One of those, like, sharpened razor blades. Yeah, I have a razor blade. Yeah, just stuck in my tweed cap. And I think that's going to just strike fear. Everyone else has the latest surplus machine gun.

Well, listen, I'm not going to do that, but I'm happy that, how did you find us? How did you find our podcast? Well, I, in general, love comedy. And one of the first in general love comedy and one i know but why us let's get to the point kevin that's more confused again we're really confused now i love uh i saw astrology so so eventually that led me to you know i saw clueless gamer first oh okay i remember uh i remember watching watching that series through YouTube and then eventually I just started watching a bunch of YouTube

clips and then the actual show. I moved to the US for around six years for college. So, and during that time I was able to catch it on TV and everything. Oh, that's cool. I'm glad you found us and now you're listening to the podcast nonsense. Yeah, I think I've

heard every single episode i think yeah oh my god thank you so much that's a lot of time yeah that's a lot of time but it's well spent because guess what it's kept you it's kept you safe it's kept you inside listening to a podcast i may have saved your life yeah kevin you owe him yeah i could go out late but i think i'm just gonna stay home and listen to Conan, Gorley and Sona. Yeah, I honestly, what I do is with work. Basically, I work at a candy factory as an accountant.

And a lot of the work sometimes is not in the factory floor, but in your in your cubicle. And I just listen to podcasts while I'm while I'm working. And yeah, no, no finances have been spoiled. So wait a minute. How do you run numbers while listening to this? I know. I don't understand. I think we've, you've probably really messed up that candy factory.

Hey, so I have a question. This is a, you, you buried the lead. You work in a candy factory. That is everyone's dream is to work. You are the Willy Wonka of Juarez, which really rolls off are the Willy Wonka of Juarez, which really rolls off. The Willy Wonka of Juarez. It really rolls off the tongue, I think.

That's incredible. It'd be great if you wore a Willy Wonka hat while you did the accounting for the candy factory. Well, I found the title of this episode. It's the Willy Wonka of Juarez. All with J's. Yeah, tell me. Yeah,'s the Willy Wonka of Juarez. All with J's. Yeah, tell me. Yeah, exactly. Willy Wonka.

Tell me about your candy factory. I mean, it's not yours, but it will be soon. You'll see. It will be soon, yeah, yeah. I just got to keep working with the cartel. So basically. You're the only guy in town where when people come up to you go like can i get some nose candy you've got it all wrong this is wrong they're like this is fucking candy corn yeah you said you wanted to put that in your nose you idiot no

so uh wow that's that's well tell us about candy factory. What kind of candy do you have there? Well, basically we make a bunch of candies that you would know. We make like Jolly Ranchers and Lifesavers and Nerds. Things like Jabberackers as well. We do a bunch of things like that. Candy canes for Christmas and candy corn for Halloween. The only thing, though, is that we do get a bunch of free candy, which is a nice perk. We all gain a bunch of free candy, which is a nice perk. We all gain a bunch. Yeah. I'm just, how long have you had diabetes? I'm just curious.

Everyone calls in sick every day with diabetes. Like it's the common cold. I got diabetes again. I got the old 24 hour bad case of the diabetes. Yeah. It's usually around the five year mark that people are just like, how long have you been there? I've been, I've been three years only. Okay.

So you got two more years. Yeah. I got two more years. Yeah. That's a year. While you're ahead. So this is, this is fascinating to me. First of all,

you named all these sort of iconic American candies and I have to comment again. It's something that Americans won't do for themselves. You know, we've exported that. Do you know what I mean? And just, these are iconic American candies. Yeah, yeah. We also make the really iconic one, Necco.

Oh, Necco. Oh, you know what? Here's what's crazy. Necco stands for New England Confectionery Company. And Necco was originally stands for New England Confectionery Company. And NECO was originally made in New England. And I grew up there. And I used to see these smoke. When I was a kid, we'd drive by the smokestack that said NECO on it.

And all of us got excited because we're like, wow, that's where they make that really mediocre candy. The chalky, tiddly wink of a candy. Yeah, exactly. It's basically a communion wafer with attitude. No offense. No offense.

No offense. I'm blaming our, it's again, the Americans invented this, but it's ironic to me again. New England Confectionery Company is operating

out of Juarez, Mexico. Yeah, wow. So I'm fine with all this. I mean, obviously you guys are doing an amazing job. Those are great candies. Yeah, and the thing though is that since we sell it in the US, we have to make it much earlier.

So when we do get free candy, like I might be getting right now Halloween candy. Oh. And then by Halloween, I might get like Christmas candy. So yeah. So it's always, you're always out of sync. You're walking around in the summertime eating a Santa Claus candy cane.

That's like Australia. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's exactly like that. Yeah, basically that's what happens because we got to have it all ready and ship it on time. And for other candies, we might be more in sync. Like if they need refrigeration or things like that for like the ones that have fresh fruit and things like that but yeah for most of the other things it takes a long time

does that spoil the holiday for you or does it get you in the mood earlier well with christmas i think that is because because we just uh like we the smell of the cinnamon and everything it's so strong that by the end of it you you're like, I'm done with this. And then on the factory floor, they, they, they start playing all the Christmas music early. So this is something that your,

your mind is being totally screwed with. Yeah. You know, you realize when you came on, you said, Merry Christmas, everybody. I don't know when this is going to air,

but I'm telling you right now, it's late July. You said Merry Christmas 2025. Are we sure? Yeah, yeah. It's weird. You said... You said Merry Christmas 2025,

and I can't feel my extremities. It's the radiation. Yeah, what's your building built out of? It's made of... Well, everything is held together with chewed up gummy because it's a natural adhesive. So you got to watch out for that. We did have a giant teddy bear made of all these gummy bears.

Like, because we make gummy worms and gummy bears and all that. And we made this huge sculpture out of it. And then it got irradiated and it came to life. It's just... She's a nice guy now. Oh my God! Military tanks are shooting at it, but the shells just go blorp, blorp, blorp, blorp.

You should stick that on the cartels. I love that idea. And then it goes... It goes after the cartels. And they're like,. And then it goes, it goes after the cartels. And they're like, just me. Oh, this bear is out of control.

I love this. This is a great story. Yeah. We have, I mean, I don't know, Kevin, we're cutting you in for a piece of this story,

but it all begins in Juarez with a wonderful candy factory. And all the workers are just completing a large gummy teddy bear that's going to be, you know, handed over to the local orphanage. It's very sweet. And just then someone says, let's ship it. And they start to pack it up in a crate that's been irradiated with, of course, the bad materials. That all syncs up. And we'll make sure that the press knows this is all based on true events. Yes.

And then this thing comes to life and I just see it shattering the box and rising up and growing to 75 feet tall. Incredible. Yeah, like el grande oso delicioso. Yeah. I love that you all know so many Spanish words that rhyme too. What's the word for sticky in Espanol? Sticky? Yeah. I love that you all know so many Spanish words that rhyme too. That's pretty nice. That's all we know. What's the word for sticky in Espanol? Sticky?

Yeah. Pegajoso. Pegajoso. That's it, yeah. It's oso grande. Pegajoso. Yeah, pegaroso. Wow.

Rolls off the tongue just like gummy bears. Yeah. And some of the cartel members get stuck to the bear. Oh, gummy bears. Yeah. And some of the cartel members get stuck to the bear. So as it's walking around, you just see these struggling cartel members that are stuck.

They get absorbed. They get absorbed. Yeah, and they're in there, and they're actually kind of enjoying it. Yeah. They're still allowed to make phone calls because the reception's incredible. Make this happen, Kevin. Kevin, this is-

I imagine it's something like a Godzilla, you know? Like a Mexican Godzilla. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a Mexican Godzilla. Exactly. This thing is a something like a Godzilla. Yeah. Like a Mexican Godzilla. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a Mexican Godzilla. Exactly. This thing is a huge hit. Godzia. Godzia.

Godzia. With a tilde. Yes. We've got to get this made. Yeah, we do. We've got to get this made, Kevin, and we need you to get it going because you've done all the primary research.

Godzia and the Kaiju Jubis. Yes. I'll cheer for myself. Why are you so proud? Why are you forcing that word into the conversations?

Forcing or properly respecting? Forcing. It wasn't part of the conversation. It's from a previous conversation we had with someone else.

But it's about Godzilla. That's why it's pertinent. Let's see. I'm checking my patience meter. Oh, you still got a little left. It's almost in's pertinent. Let's see. I'm checking my patience meter. Oh, you still have a little left. It's almost in the red, but not quite there. I think I've heard

you say, Matt, like that word for like the last three episodes. Were you familiar with the word kaiju? Kaiju? No, I haven't learned that one. Yes, of course you weren't. And David didn't know it either. None of us knew that word. And you were acting like we were the problem.

And now we talk to one of my favorite guests of all time, Kevin. Yeah. Creator of what I think is going to be the biggest sci-fi blockbuster. This is going to be Jordan Peele's next movie. This is huge. It's called Yep. Yeah. Yep.

Yeah, this is fantastic. I'm very happy. Do you have a question for me at all? Anything I can help you out with, Kevin? I can answer any question you like. Yeah, so I was wondering if somebody was visiting the U.S. for the first time, what's the one bit of American history they should know? Oh.

That's good. That's a really good question. Kaiju American history? No, stop it. Oh, God. Please. Wow. There's a lot to unpack there.

I mean, I think if you're visiting the United States, are you going to drive around? If you're going to drive around, that's important. I think so, yeah. Because, I mean, you going to drive around? Is that if you're going to drive around? That's important. I think so. Yeah. Because I mean, one of the most iconic things to do, I guess, in the U.S. because of how the highways are there. I think it's driving, you know. Yeah.

It's one of those California to New York trips. I think it would be like fantastic. Yeah. Route 66. I think that's an amazing thing to do. I also have to say the American Civil War. 1866. I think that's an amazing thing to do. I also have to say the American Civil War.

I mean, we had a civil war here, 1861 to 65, that was, at the time, the largest battles ever in world history. And it was the clash of the North versus the South. And so when you drive, even if you started in California and drove across, but if you worked your way through the American South and then up towards the North, you'd see all kinds of amazing battlefields, and you'd kind of understand how this country has always had issues. I mean, like a lot of countries, but it's had a lot of conflict.

It's had a lot of people with different opinions about how to run the country. Yeah, our cartels are in the Senate and the House. Okay. Kaiju. Yeah, our cartels are in the Senate and the House. Okay. Kaiju. Oh, man. We got you. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Oh, my goodness. Today's episode brought to you by Bill Maher. No, no, that's... But I think that's worth looking into. I mean, because there's a lot of things to see. And also, I think it informs you a little bit about today's America. We're still not quite getting along and seeing eye to eye. And some people think we're going to fight with each other again.

Although, I think we're way too interested in streaming content. I think everyone's just going to be watching Netflix and Hulu and forget, you know. Just let the streaming wars, like the liberals will adhere to, you know, HBO Max and Apple Plus and the conservatives take Hulu and Peacock and then, you know. Yeah, I'm fine with that division. How's my contribution level to this episode going? Well, it's for amount of time speaking quite high. Okay.

For actual contribution to the flow, that's a different number. I just want to know how you're being served. I'm running this through. No, no, no. I'm going to fill out the survey after we're done. I get a survey that's only for Matt, not for anyone else after we're done. I understand. But I don't know. Do you think that's a... Because I know you're a history buff too. Is that a valid thing to mention?

Especially if you go up to the northeast there, you could do those and you could end at the Smithsonian and then get a huge dose of all American history, pop culture, science, all that. Yeah. And there might be a riot while you're there. You know, so. You can see it all. I think of Mystic History too.

What's that? Mystic History is also pretty fantastic. Yeah, check out Memphis. Go see Memphis. New Orleans with the jazz scene. Of course. Tennessee with everything that it has.

Memphis with Graceland and all that stuff. It's pretty nice. Seattle, get your grunge fix. Oh, that's true. That's true, too. That's way out of the way. I don't know.

Corley, you just, that's a great, if you looked at a map of the U.S. and sort of what we were describing, your suggestion is a perfect illustration of where you've been taking the conversation today. Yeah.

Yeah, you're up, you're in New Orleans and then you're in Memphis. Seattle. Seattle. Yeah, because of the music in 1991. And then I'd get up to that great Alaskan music scene that they have. Yeah, Anchorage. Things are really hopping in Anchorage. get up to that great alaskan music scene that they have anchorage things are really hopping in anchorage um no and you could visit some of our candy factories where we make all of the world's

mexican candy we're just cranking out piñatas and mexican candy all the time yeah it'd be i do see a lot of like mexican stuff that i that i'm like what is this supposed to be? Sometimes I go to the U.S. Oh, that we're passing off as, oh my God, are you kidding? I imagine, yes. Imagine that must be insane. I remember the first time I read Deadpool and he was talking about chimichangas and I was like, what the hell is a chimichanga?

It's just a Taco Bell thing. Well, that's what I was going to say is Taco Bell is, we shot a sketch once where I'm, because I taped a week of shows in Mexico City a number of years ago. And we shot a cold open where I'm going through the border. It was really well shot. We shot it out in the desert where they shoot Breaking Bad. And we had, we had drones and it was, it shot.

So it was really cool, but I'm going through and, and the Mexican border patrol opens my suitcase and it's just filled with taco bell and um they stick a dog on me it chases me and actually the dog tackled me he got me he did get me he broke the skin they were wanting to give me shots and i said nah i'll just get the rabies from the taco bell or the dog actually you know like the one that where the dog gets you that's the actual scene that got into the rabies. From the Taco Bell or the dog? It's actually in there, like the one where the dog gets you, that's the actual scene that got into the episode? Yeah, that's the one that got into it.

Trust me, Kevin, we ran it only once. I didn't say, hey, let's get it. That German shepherd just took off across the desert and tore me to the ground with his jaws. Let's get it again. So yeah, that was the one where he ripped my pants. You can cut, as I'm coming back, I think we have outtakes from,

and the outtakes are me limping back saying, wow, that dog is really method. But it was really, it was fun to shoot. I love shooting things like that. And we had, I have to say, the week we did in, the shows that we did in Mexico City were justxico city were just a joy it was so much fun we did it for televisa and i i told if you ever get a chance look at uh i did a monologue completely in whole spanish yeah spanish i've seen it and great and let's hear it what was your take how

was my accent well i was surprised that you spoke so much about the cartels i was ballsy yeah it's why i didn't go back uh yeah um i'm kidding no your acting was great i thought it was pretty fantastic and i i the writing was was pretty good too especially because uh you know with with the humor a lot of it has to be adapted to the culture and i think you you did a really good job well one of the things that helps is when i make fun of myself, that works in every culture because every culture is very happy to laugh at me. So it was a lot about, it was a lot about, you know, I was, I don't know, a lot of jokes about me being the gringo that cries when he eats mild salsa. Um, so, and, and people really like that. They're like, yes,

yes, he does look quite sickly well Kevin it's been really fun talking to you we learned a lot this was a great cultural exchange and we've come up with Jordan Peele's next movie which I am very excited about and we want you involved in the making of this

this is going to be cool I'll be super happy to do it all my family are filmmakers I'm the only one out that decided to do a normal job. Yeah, work at a candy factory. You know me. Boring old candy factory guy. You're a legend in your family. What are you talking about?

I could throw a rock here in Los Angeles and everybody makes movies. If I met someone who made candy for a living, I'd sleep with them. Well, that's a whole other story. Kevin, we'll let that go for now. That's for the next episode. That's for the next episode. Kevin, thank you so much. So cool talking to you. You're a very nice guy, very funny. And this is, it's, this has been really fun. Thank you. Oh, thank you all. You're all the best. Thank you for your time and thank you for making the podcast. It really makes a difference. And I think you have much more fans than you think in Mexico, by the way. Oh, cool.

Well, I'm happy to hear that. Maybe we should start. I should break out my Spanish all the time. I think you should do a Spanish. Hola, como esta? Yo soy Conan Ando. For some reason, I put a mustache on, even though it's a podcast and no one can tell. Hey, Kevin, thank you so much. Have a great day.

Y'all too. Thank you so much. Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Joanna Soloterov, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vivino. Supervising producer Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples. Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineered by Will Beckton. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher.