Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - The Last DVD Store

Episode Date: October 17, 2024

Conan chats with James from Christchurch, NZ about working at a DVD rental store in 2024, his writing aspirations, and the movie star role he’d write for Conan. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/conan.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi James. Welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Hello. Oh my God. Hi James. How are you? I'm great. Thanks. This is a yep. I'm going to be speechless for a little bit, but I'm amazed to meet you three. Well, I think it's 80% me, and then there's 10% and 10%. But anyway, listen, the important thing is,

yes, James, you're meeting Conan O'Brien and then some ancillary characters. I think that's how this story unfolds. It's very nice to see you, James, and where are you right now in this crazy world that we live in? Where are you? I'm away from Anu down in South Nair, Antarctica

from Ototahi, which is Christ Church, New Zealand. Oh, Christ Church, New Zealand. Yeah. Okay. I've never been to New Zealand. Well, you should come. Well, maybe I would do that someday. And tell us a little bit about yourself, James. So what do you do for a living?

Well, I have to pay the rent. I work at probably the last DVD hire place in the country, if not the world. So the name is Alice in Video Land, even though there's no more videos. It's all DVDs, but that's- It's called Alice in Video Land, but you don't even sell videos, you sell DVDs, but that's... It's called Alice in Video Land, but you don't even sell videos, you sell DVDs.

No, we still read them, like we're, you know, blockbusters. Next door to you, is there a shop that sells butter churns? Well, yes, there's a live and well in Christchurch, so yes. So wait, so you work at a DVD rental shop, and a lot of customers come in still, even though so many things are streaming? Well, yeah, I wouldn't say a lot, but we also have two cinemas,

which definitely helps keep the place afloat. So we've got like two small cinemas that, you know, people come out to and then they can rent a DVD on their way out if they want. Oh, I see, so there's an attached cinema, small, when you say small cinema, are we talking dirty movies, like a little room with a couple of chairs? Why does your mind go there?

Well, I'm just curious because I might want to go. It's not that familiar with the internet, so still. It's probably one of those blocks away, and you're gonna go all the way to New Zealand? I wanna go to one of those places where you're there, you know, the little peep show. I wanna see a peep show. I never got to see one of those.

They shut them down. And it was all online. I wanna see a peep show. Well, yeah, we don't have that, but I guess I could see what I could arrange. Well, James, that would make you a pimp, so no. James, don't start offering to arrange something. That's a mistake.

So, okay, James, Christchurch, New Zealand. Gateway to Antarctica. And you, what did you say to me just then? Gateway to Antarctica, that's what we know. Oh, gateway, oh, you said it so quickly, didn't it? It was hard to hear. Yeah. You went gateway to Antarctica.

And I thought that was the suburb you lived in. Where do you live? Gateway to Antarctica. Gateway to Antarctica. It's a very distinct accent, the New Zealand accent, isn't it? Yes, I guess so. I mean, you can tell me I'm surrounded by it,

so I don't really, like a fish in water. Okay. I can't hear it. I can hear your accent. I know you're like, isn't it, isn't the way you talk weird? Well, I'm sorry. That's basically what you're saying.

I think that I'm speaking normally, and you're saying, get by on, shka! So, yeah. And I think anyone in New Zealand would agree with me. Now, tell me about this DVD. We are very people pleasing, so probably, yeah. Oh, good, I like that.

Tell me about the DVD rental shop. You said it's called Alice in Videoland? Videoland, yeah. Okay. It was started in the 80s, which is why it's video land. And it's probably, it was literally one of the first, and it's probably the only one left hanging on now. And yeah, we've just been in operation for longer than I've been alive.

God bless you. Keeping it alive. I love it. Yeah, keeping it alive. Do you, do you? We have all the gems. I'm sponsored for you, Gauley, so. Ah, yes!

He's a fan. I'll be right there. I'll be right there. In 207 hours. Even the Peter Sully's Casino Royale with, you know, Orson Welles and all of those. Oh, yeah. That crazy one. Wow.

Okay. So, I have a question. Do you run the store? No, I just like a duty manager. There's two owners, Karen and Pete, and then there's about four or five staff, of which I am one. So, it's just like a small operation. And do you get along with your bosses? I do, but you know there's Peter certainly has

opinions about things like we have a wall of 500 greatest movies of all time and he's continually messing with that and putting in things that he likes, maybe. Like what? Like what does he take out and put in? Yeah. Give us an example of, you don't quite agree with your boss, Peter's taste in films. What are some of the films that he reveres

that you're not so high on? Well, if I was to name them, you probably wouldn't have even heard of them because they're so obscure and boring. So like, Ray and Liz is a British one. I don't want to denigrate these filmmakers. It's just not my taste a lot of the time. There's another one, Jean Dilman, which you might know because it pops the site and sounds.

Number one. It's like just three hours of a French lady peeling potatoes. Yes, yes. And it's- Well, I like the potato part. To me that is pornography. Oh my God. That's called Irish pornography. A woman peeling potatoes.

I can easily arrange that kind of peep show for you. Yeah, yeah. That's the peep show I would go to. You put a nickel in, there's a woman there. Just peeling. You know, just peeling potatoes. I'm like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. So, well, I'm sorry.

That's my excited face. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh God. That's the face you've made, but apparently not. I know. I've always have another face coming. So, Peter likes really obscure films. He's your boss.

And you're probably, as a younger person, maybe like more contemporary films. Is that correct? What's he taking out of there? That's what I want to hear. Yeah, what are the things he takes down off the wall? The most recent, well, I mean, it was a real effort to even get him to get Mad Max Fury Road on there.

He does not like that movie. How can you not like Mad Max Fury Road? It's a instant classic. I know. It's just, it's like pure action. But you know, there's an instant classic. I know, it's just like pure action. But you know, there's no, I guess, cause it's pure action and there's nothing to ponder. Like someone peeling potatoes is so

Oh God. Would he like, what about some of the new, It's going to be fired, but oh well. That's okay, please. I'm sure there's another DVD store right around the corner that they're jobbing. Those things are a dime a dozen. You said That's okay, please. I'm sure there's another DVD store right around the corner that would do a job at. Those things are a dime a dozen. You said that's okay.

Yeah, don't worry about it. It's not my problem, I'm employed. Hi, I'm a sociopath. So James, what about like the John Wick movies? Would Peter be okay with those? What's that? I'm not sure if he likes those. They're not in the 500s. Everybody likes the John Wick movies.

I know they're like our most rented movies. John Wick used a horse to kill his enemies. Remember that when he put a blanket over the horse's head and aimed the horse's ass at his enemies and then pulled and got it to kick? He used a horse as a weapon. It was fantastic. That's the greatest-

Oh no, yes, you're right. I do remember that doubt. How could you forget it? Sorry, I'm because- Did you confuse it with the movie where Judy Garland used a horse to kill someone? I don't know. Wow, okay, so Peter, I have major issues with Peter,

I have to say. Is this like boss on boss beef? Well, I just think Peter is maybe hurting what could be a very thriving DVD store with the name video in the title. I think he's hurting it with his obscure taste and I think he needs to appeal to the masses. Do you even have Blu-ray or is it just DVD?

We do, but New Zealand is like, we're still far. We never really properly made the transition even have Blu-ray or is it just DVD? We do, but New Zealand is like, we're still far. We never really properly made the transition over to Blu-ray, so it's mainly DVDs. Do you have any videos at all? We have some decorative ones just placed around. You have decorative videos. Oh, I love it. Decorative videos.

It's the only way they can be worth anything. Okay, tell me about the customers that come into this store. They are, you know, I hope none of my customers will make both seasons. They will, it's fine. They are older for sure. Yes, you didn't need to tell me that.

They've never heard of a computer. No, no, like to sign up people, we don't have to get their email. And the amount of them who are like, I don't have email. Wow. Alarming. So we did lose a few DVDs that way

because we can just never find them and they disappear off the grid. Well, my guess is they die. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of that as well. Yeah, it's crazy. Really? Someone signs out a DVD for the movie Flubber and then they don't bring it back

and you go by their apartment and you see them carrying them. Their store is how they find out most people die. Yeah, yeah. Was this DVD returned? No. Oh God help us. Yeah, we'll track them down

and one of their children will... Yeah, the police must use you regularly as a source. Who hasn't returned a DVD lately? Well, Mr. Robinson hasn't. On 303 Primrose Lane. Well, he's dead. Yeah, that's far more frequent. Do you ever have a customer come in, an older customer, and while they're there, they find out that it's easy to stream most movies?

Yeah, well, not while they're there, but, you know, old people tend to be blunt. So occasionally someone will come in and return one and say, oh, I just found this online, so I didn't need to watch it. So, see ya. So that can definitely happen once their children usually introduce them

or set them up with some kind of Netflix account or something. Right. That's a big seismic change. It's like someone coming to the stables in like the first Model T and saying, I won't be coming here anymore. I've got this contraption.

It just shows you that things are moving on, but I have faith that this store is going to thrive. Yes, like records, right? Physical media. Do you use them? Records made a comeback. Are you a physical media person? Yeah.

Absolutely, it's been like a film education for me because we've got all the old movies. So there are, I should, you know, there are a lot of old movies that you struggle to find on streaming that we have, um, because we've been around for so long. And because the nature of streaming is a bit more diffuse now, we do actually get some people sort of not bothering with streaming and just, uh, coming in and getting in because we've got all the movies.

So they can just come in and read the movies of us instead of streaming to like five different services. So there is that advantage if I was to make a plug. Oh, okay. That's the most anemic plug. You sounded like you were dying as you said it. Like it was your last breath. I'm intrigued.

I'm intrigued by this store. Do you think I would be of much help at the DVD store? Yeah, absolutely. Your sales skills are, I'm sure. Why, I think- You would be an attraction. You know, you'd be a like a Like a used car

Come see the freak and then maybe get a DVD. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah. I'm a human being. I'm a man. Well, if you have a better idea, like, you know, I would be willing to take. Actually, I don't. It could be come see the Conan and then maybe get a DVD while you're there.

I do. I think I am a pretty good salesman. I'm a good talker. Okay. And I think- And so you've got the gift of the game. I've got the gift of the game. But do you, I mean, do you need, what do you need,

do you need to sell? I mean, are they, aren't they coming in having an idea of like, I'm gonna rent a DVD today? You're- Yes, but we also get the cinema people coming in. So, you know, we've got to try and convert them to DVD sales customers. Oh, okay. Yes, you know, you've got to try and convert them to DVD sales customers. Yes, yes. Do you sell DVD players?

Oh, we do rent out DVD players for those that don't have them anymore. How often do you rent out DVD players? You know, fairly often. You rent a lot of DVD players as well because you'd kind of have to, wouldn't you? It's like, you know, New Zealanders are very people pleasing and they don't want to cause a fuss.

So they'll be like, you know, when I'm showing them a DVD after they've seen a movie, they might be like, oh, this looks really interesting, but I don't have a DVD player, unfortunately. It's like, oh, it's okay. We've got one you can borrow right here. But wait a minute, then why the hell did they come into the store?

To see a movie. You know, it's like, oh, I see. First run movies or they're like a curated art house kind of thing? We tend to play more like independent house foreign kind of movies. We do like we played Furioso so we do and we'll play James Bond movies when they come out. So things with a bit of cinema. Do you sell any snacks at the cinema? We do. Yes. What do you have? We've got warm nuts. we've got ice cream, we've got popcorn.

Did you say warm nuts? I did, yeah. What kind of movie house is this? Warm nuts? No one has sold warm nuts at a movie theater since Dillinger was shot outside of one. Would you like some warm nuts before you go into the cinematogram? at movie theater since Dillinger was shot outside of one. Well, yeah. Would you like some warm nuts before you go into this cinematogram?

We still have like a little statue of like a, you know, the boys that used to go around with the carts of like lollies and stuff. We have one of those in the shop as well. Like a statue, not like an actual boy that still does that. No, no, no, no. We can't afford that. You're not allowed, and also not a good idea

to have little boys around with lollies. No, that's true. What the fuck? I just think it's a bad idea. We just, I don't know, you know, we did trouble, that's all I'm gonna say. Stop talking. What are your aspirations,

if you have any, beyond the DVD store? Where do you see yourself in an ideal world in 10 years? And maybe it is, maybe it's the DVD store, I don't know. Yeah, no, my aspirations are to, I guess, follow in the footsteps of like a takeaway TT or a Jane Campion and become a writer, director myself. That's very cool. You have good taste, Those are great artists.

Thank you. Well, you know, they're Kiwis, so I've got to support the local. And they're definitely trailblazers if they see. I guess New Zealand is a little bit overrepresented in Hollywood now that we're very small, but we do have quite a few people that have seemed to break through, which is promising. So yeah, I'm just hoping to follow in their footsteps and make my own. So I make my own short films and do- Have you made some short films?

Yes, I have. And I'm in the middle of editing one right now. Do they let you show them at the cinema there? Yeah, they probably will. There's not a lot of, yeah, yeah. No, I think they will. It'll be like, I'll probably have a private. So the answer up until now is no,

but maybe in the future. You know, James, I am known worldwide, and I've done a little bit of acting. And so if I could be of help, maybe we could make a short film with me, right? Absolutely. And that might put you on the map. I mean, I am much in demand in Hollywood.

And when I say much in demand, no offers yet. And I live in Hollywood. But I'd be willing to, if it was a very short film, I'd be willing to make a film with you. And I think it might be your ticket to the big time. Absolutely. I was, yeah, jump on that. I make them with my friends who's a cinematographer. He's got all the gear and I do the writing and the directing and stuff.

Yeah. Absolutely. We would come up with a scenario. Can you think of what kind of role I could play? Just off the top of your head, give it a shot. Like the other Irishman, so maybe you're a, not the Martin Scorsese one, but maybe you got on the wrong boat and you ended up in New Zealand instead of New York.

Wait, so not the Martin Scorsese Irishman who's a stone cold killer. I got on the wrong boat and where did I go? You ended up in Christchurch. And So I went to New Zealand when I was trying to go to New York. New York, yeah. And so you're trying to make the best of your situation

while you're here and see if anyone needs a hitman. You start off just being real dumb. So I'm an idiot who mistook the sign for New York and got on the boat to New Zealand. All those boats look the same to me. And then I'm offering my services as a hitman around Christchurch, is that the idea? You just read the sign that started with new

and that'll do. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I got as far as New, yeah. New, I don't need to read the rest, that must mean York. This is the script, you're writing it right now. This is fantastic. I love that.

I'm very impatient, I have ADD, I didn't read, after I saw New, I assumed the rest was York, but it was Zealand. And after three, you thought you were spending three months on a boat, but it was actually six months. So you're probably a little bit antsy by the time you arrived. And I would notice that it just was going south

and south and south. Yeah. I was like, this is odd. You're around Cape Horn through the Antarctic seas. That time I understood Antarctic. Well, you guys say Antarctic, don't you? You don't like your seas. All right, listen, don't you come after me.

All right. Well, I'm just saying, it's like you say herb instead of herb, there's an H in front of it. He's not wrong. It's a soft G. It's soft G. Oh, fuck you too. A soft F.

No, no, no, it's fuck you. Thanks, Soda. Oh. It's a soft F. Oh my God. Fah. So I've really liked talking to- There's a lot of similarities between you and my boss. No, sorry, just kidding.

Yeah, he's a real Peter, this guy. He is. No. Yeah, he is. A huge Peter in this guy's- You're a big Peter. Hey, maybe I might like this Peter, you know? Maybe sometimes there needs to be an alpha

who's a little bit older and prefers women peeling potatoes to Mad Max Fury Road. So I like this guy. Listen, I think we could do good work together. And so I hope one day we meet. I really do. James, you seem like a very nice fellow and I would relish a chance to see

one of the world's last DVD rental stores before it closes in 40 minutes forever. Well, maybe your picture idea will keep us going a little bit longer. I'm telling you, people like it. Hey, you want a little peek-a-roo? Go to a public place to watch porn. keep us going a little bit longer. I'm telling you, people like it. Hey, you want a little peek-a-roo? You know? Go to a public place to watch porn. Yeah.

I know. Yes. People have lost, now everyone watches it on their own, on their own devices at home. The whole idea of porn was to bring people together and see it in a big theater. We still have some old customers who haven't, you know, because they don't know the internet, they do still, like we do still have like Debbie Does Dulles and things like that. And they-

Is that on the top 500? So you have some customers that come and wanna watch- They have a bar. And you know, I'm renting them out. You really had to own your sort of guilt and shame back in the day, I guess. Like you can just, alone in your room,

go on the internet. Hey, as long as you're wearing a raincoat, who's the wiser? Oh, golly. Ew. Any hoots, James, what a terrible ending to an otherwise wonderful, wonderful interview. I wish you well, please give my best to the other Kiwis.

And I salute New Zealand, and you are a very talented people, and I'm glad that, and you seem like a very good fellow. And I just, I wish you nothing but the best. Nice, is that Guinness or Coke? This is a Coke, I don't think I'm allowed to say what it is because, am I allowed to say?

This is a Coke Zero. Oh, that's nice. No calories here. Can I also say, I've just a general thank you to you three because obviously with being a struggling artist and in the pandemic and everything, times can be a little stressful. And your podcast has just been a continuous source of light-heartedness and relief.

And you have a particular code in as much as I don't want to single out and give you props. Well, you've been like the basis for, I've maybe been passing your jokes off, well, not really, everyone knows The Simpsons, but basically since The Simpsons, we've been, me and my friends have been saying your jokes to each other forever.

And all my friends that I told were like, Monorail. Yeah, I'm glad I took you and your friends down a few notches. Yeah, so did we. Give them all my best, and one day, maybe we meet. That would be a lot of fun. I would love that, yeah.

You're welcome any time. James, quick question. Behind you, I see two cats. Yes. It's been a little bit of a distraction because they were, I think, cleaning themselves aggressively. Oh, no.

And each other. Yeah, and each other. Tell me about your cats. Well, they're brother and sister. Their names are MJ and Taonga. I probably shouldn't have. They're animals. I don't like that they're brother and sister now.

This is getting real Game of Thrones-y. Yeah, yeah. This is the porn. Yeah. How much for this DVD? Yeah. Cat inc the porn. Yeah. How much for this DVD? Yeah. Cat incest porn. Now at Alice in Videoland.

So they- It's a new genre. What are their names? MJ and Taonga. Taonga is a Maori name. I inherited them from my neighbors who, when they moved out, these cats were always at mine. And so they just said, do you want to keep them?

And I said, okay. Wonderful pet owners. Well, they had six pets. Why don't you just keep them? We could put them in the moving van, but it's like 15 feet that way. So we'll just leave these living creatures with you. Well, they seem like nice cats.

They're very nice. I'm very happy to have their company. Being a writer can be a lonely existence sometimes, so it's good to have them around. Do you ever talk to them and feel like they're talking back? Yeah, I sing to them. Usually, as a sign of how insecure I am, it's like in the morning because I don't have a cat door, I have to put them out and they're meowing at the door and I'm trying to explain to them that I have to go to work to earn money

so I can pay for their food, and they just look at me like, you know, fuck you. Why are you holding us outside? That's not just them, that's all cats. Cats are just nerve endings with some fur. Okay, take it easy. They don't give a shit about anything, you know? I'm a horse guy.

Yeah. No. It's so true. I'll take it either. So true, yeah, sorry. It's fucking like a couple of dog loving sociopaths. No, no, I've been around plenty of cats and they just, huh?

Huh? There's no explaining anything to them. Not a good crowd. There's no humanity! And they're sleeping now. And so it's nice. Maybe you'll sing to them tonight. What will you sing to them

when it is time to sing to the cats? Just like show tunes and things like that. Just, I'm not a good singer, so I'm not going to sing. Okay, well, I'm gonna wrap this up. But I wish you all the best. I really do. And I hope our paths cross soon. That would be, you know, this has already surpassed all the best. I really do. And I hope our paths cross soon. That would be, you know,

this has already surpassed all my expectations. So that would just be, my head might explode. That would be amazing. I want to be there when your head explodes. It's the nicest thing I've said to anybody. All right, James, you take care. Thanks, James. Bye-bye.

Thanks so much. Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avsesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leal. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

Supervising producer, Aaron Blayard. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples, Associate Producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. You'll get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com slash Conan. Please rate, review and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down.