Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - The Lost Hans and Franz Movie Episode 2

Episode Date: May 24, 2023

On the second installment of the Lost Hans and Franz Movie, Hans and Franz continue their quest with the help of their famous cousin Arnold Schwarzenegger. Plus, Conan, Dana, Kevin and Robert share true memories of personal Arnold encounters. 

Universal Pictures' R-rated comedy strays is the presenting sponsor of The Lost, Hans & Franz Movie, a special Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend mini-series. Stick around later in the episode to hear more about what we thought of the movie. Check out strays in theaters August 18th. Hey, Conan O'Brien here, and you are listening to Episode 2, The Lost Hans & Franz Movie, discussing a script that was written in 1991 by Dana Carvey, Kevin Neyland, Robert Smigel, and myself. It was our dream to bring Hans & Franz to the big screen as a musical. We wrote the script, and here we are after all these years bringing it to life. We all know that this is going to lead to the movie actually being made, and so I'm clearing my schedule for the summer. For a budget of $100,000. It'll be on streaming, you'll see, it's going to be great. You know, in the last episode we talked a little bit about how Hans & Franz came to be, and I think this is important before we start this reading the next parts of the script. Kevin, it all began with you seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger doing an interview, and you were kind of enjoyed doing his voice. You called Dana, the two of you, you were out on the road together with Dennis Miller.

Hey cha-cha, and you were, it looks like Konzi Wonzi gave me a pluggy walkie. You two were on the road together, and you started doing these two guys, but you were still, you didn't quite see how it could be a character yet, and then Dana, you said there was a point where there was an important revelation. We played with it. We had the core, I think, that they would maybe be the cousins, and maybe... Of Schwarzenegger. Of Arnold, and Worship Arnold. We had that. Distant cousins. But we were trying to think of the characters, like, what would they be, and we were going around with, like, are they actually going to lift weights? Like, are they going to show that they're strong?

And we were probably thought not, but what would they do? So I'm talking with Kevin, and first we were just on the phone doing it. We wanted to pump you up. We thought, okay, let's do that. And then Kevin, we were just riffing around like this and that, and then Kevin said, I'll never forget it, because it really tilted the whole thing. And if you don't believe what probably pumped up, once we got defensive, then we laughed for two hours on the phone. If you dialed to me in any way, you know, and they would never lift weights. So I think in the first... They never demonstrated their strength.

No strength. Just be straight at the audience. All they did, a paranoid, delusional, sadistic, aggressive toward imaginary enemies, and that was their whole thing. That's why I don't think the first one or two really scored. The first one is unbelievably funny. If you watch it now... But did the audience get hooked at harder as it went along? Yeah, of course. Well, what happened to almost every character, right?

The first Wayne's World wasn't a giant hit. I guess it was just how abstract it was. They're never going to show anything. Like we did the first one, we set it up, and it got it okay. It was the last sketch of the show. Yeah. And then we didn't do it for a couple of weeks. I said, Dana, we should do another one of those and see if... And then we put it out there, and it was like...

You know, it was like, bad luck. People loved it. Eventually we had the whole crowd going, we want to pump, and then the whole 8-8 shows. And we go, yeah! We start counting money backstage. I think more so back then, that era of SNL, everybody was always on the hunt for a catchphrase. And I remember very clearly, and there was some, you know,

pump you up, I could see you guys thinking, what's the catchphrase going to be? Yeah, everything gets wound down into, we want to pump you up, too. We want to pump you up! We had to stop, because I was going to... You have to stop with a reduction. You keep cooking it until it just becomes this syrup.

It's like the Bush thing, not going to do it. Not going to do it. Yeah, yeah. Well, we watched you do the whole arc of George Bush, was you starting out saying, not going to do it. And then over time, it came, la, da, da! La, da, da, da, da, da, da. It's like, oh!

La, da, da, da, da, da. He's had a horrible stroke. Yeah. La, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, go. Combining two catchphrases. It's a living. What can I tell you folks? It's a living.

It's a living. Hey, I'm waking here. So, we're going to get back into it now. As you last remember, Hans and Franz, they lose their job at their cable television show, because they refer to Dr. Martin Luther King as being flabby. They're fired. They ride out on tandem bikes, and they get to Hollywood.

They meet their cousin Arnold. So, we take you now. Let's get Arnold in here. Let's get Arnold in here. Yeah. Let's get him in here. Let's get to work. Let's go.

Let's do this. Reduce to eating letters of the Hollywood sign for sustenance. Kenny, Liz, Hans and Franz have no luck finding their cousin in Los Angeles until they are arrested for tackling Arnold with one of his movie premieres. Arnold bails them out of jail and allows them to crash at his house. Meanwhile, Rolf continues to kidnap girly men. Exterior Arnold's house day.

A huge, sprawling estate. Arnold's Humvees drive past two large, flexed metal arms, which serve as the gate. In Trader Arnold's foyer, moments later, a very pumped man's servant takes everyone's bag as they enter. Thanks, Benny. Make yourselves comfortable, fellas. The house is decorated with large sculptures of individual muscles.

Wow. Great place. Yeah. It's good for now. As they follow Arnold into the living room, they cross a staircase made up of 15 connecting stair masters, ascending to the next level. The living room furniture is also shaped like different muscles.

This room's where I like to unwind. Yeah. Arnold, before we forget, we got some stuff for you from back home. They pulled some junk out of a knapsack. We brought you your mail. Hans hands Arnold some old junk mail. Uh, yeah. Thanks.

And also... He pulls a beat-up dirty sausage out of his knapsack. Your favorite sausage with grandma cooked for you. Uh-huh. Uh, that's nice. Uh, thanks. Thanks, guys. Arnold reaches over and opens a cabinet.

A digital monitor reads out 14 calories burned. Arnold pulls out a cigar and lights it. Let me show you the rest of the place. Arnold gets up, Hans and Franz trail him. Sure. Sure, I love to. Arnold, can I use the bathroom, please? Sure.

Go down to the bicep, make a left at the buttock. Thanks. Hans continues to follow Arnold. Yeah. Come with me. Arnold's backyard moments later, they cross the swimming pool, a narrow lap pool that stretches a mile into the horizon. There is a yacht in the deep end.

Pool. Nice. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, it's a like a pool. Pool. Pool. They continue to follow Arnold elsewhere. He leads them through a secret passageway, a giant...

A giant buttocks that separates and opens like a door. Arnold's basement moments later. It is a complex underground nerve center, not unlike the war room in Dr. Strangelove. Here's where it all happens, fellas. I make every career move in this room. A team of advisors are studying a giant tabletop chart, pushing around a small cardboard cutout heads of Sylvester Stallone,

Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Kevin Costner, etc. Hans and Franz are very impressed. Show business is like a war. You must always anticipate the enemy's next move. Arnold turns to Howard, an agent in an Italian suit. How's it looking for the pride of the Yankees remake? Costner met with them today. Blow him out.

I was meant to play Lou Gehrig. Come, come. Arnold charts and leads Hans and Franz to another wing, where scientists and lab coats are studying X-rays, muscles and skeletal charts. Who are these people, Arnold? Muscle research. You can't forget pumpitude.

It's my bread and butter. A scientist approaches Arnold. Any new exercises caught me. You know this little bump on the inside of your elbow? It's technically a ligament, but it can be made thicker with inverted curls. Good. Add it to my routine.

Come over here, fellas. They walk over to a machine that resembles a sleek version of an old steam box. This machine removes all hair from your body, so you're ready for competition. A hairy Italian bodybuilder in Speedo Trunk steps into the machine, which makes whirling and buzzing sounds.

Thanks, Franco. I want to give something back to the bodybuilding community. The machine stops. The Italian bodybuilder steps out, hairless from the neck down. He checks under his Speedo and gives a thumbs up. Arnold moves on to a private alcove. Here's my real pride and joy.

He presses a button on the wall, a sliding door opens revealing a gleaming rectangular metal box. For years, man has been poisoning his body with unsafe chemicals in his mad quest for bulk. Soon, the madness will end, with my new, totally safe, anabolic bulk enhancer. Wow. And man will finally realize his dream to go from this.

He refers to a photo of an enormous bodybuilder with bulging muscles. To this. He refers to a photo of the same bodybuilder doctored to look three times as muscular. It's a truly disgusting sight. Oh, my God. Nice, unbelievable.

Beautiful. Oh, I love it. They'd be touched. Yes, it comes as a cracker. Arnold opens the metal box, revealing rows of round crackers. Franz reaches for one. Arnold slaps his wrist. Not yet.

The crackers haven't been perfected. Now let's go. And remember, don't tell anyone. They leave the Yelkoven or intercepted by Howard. Arnold, I know you have guests, but... Right, fellas. This is my agent, Howard. Hello, girly man.

Nice to meet your fluffy person. Howard gives Hans and Franz a look. They smile oblivious. I remember we would get so excited about jokes where it was very flat. Him talking about all that wondrous thing and then saying something like, it's a cracker. It comes as a cracker.

That was totally your joke. But just the idea that then Arnold has to say cracker. Cracker. It's a great Arnold word. Cracker. Hearing the real Arnold do this would have been just incredible. Yeah, we would have done anything just to have the take away. Arnold would have been...

Exactly. ...is going to be when we remake it. So funny in this movie. Because the visual get through the house, that whole thing is placed so... Oh, no, there was a whole scene. Remember the scene where Arnold's on the phone and he's doing like, he's multitasking,

he's doing like 20 things at once and controlling. Because he was such an enormous star at this time that we were able to just exaggerate not only his fame, but also his just like, he was like a superhero within the movie. We had lunch with him at... Shotsies. Shotsies. To talk about this movie.

Yeah, we had one meeting with him. I'll just set the table, which is down in Venice. There was a restaurant called Shotsies that I think Arnold owned. He bought it for his mother. Yeah, and it was, you could get like... Is that true? ...Austrian food there.

Yeah. And you know, just as a side note, I think who used to sometimes frequent that little area was sort of an outdoor kind of minimal area. And Shotsies was there. And I later heard from Rick Ludwin that Johnny Carson used to go there. And he would meet Johnny Carson at that same place. Rick would meet Johnny Carson at Shotsies?

Yeah, at Shotsies. And Shotsies was this place where... What's on the appetizer list in between? But you know what? This is what I heard from Rick Ludwin, a good friend of ours going back years on SNL and The Late Night Show. Yes.

He said that he was having one of his meetings with Johnny Carson, who has retired, but like still just this huge legendary figure. Yeah. And he's sitting there at Shotsies with Rick Ludwin. They're having a lunch. And Arnold came by. And it was a whole thing like,

we miss you, Johnny. You know, it was all about, you've got to come back on television. Johnny was, you know... Oh, thank you very much, but I remember a good time on my boat. I think he's having a good time on his boat. Well, I know.

How did you get here? Alex, should I be watching? What are you bothering Johnny for? Leave Johnny alone. You came out of the... I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'm gonna tell Johnny what to do. You don't tell Johnny what to do.

What are you doing? Leave him alone. When did he come out of the heat vent he was listening in? From everywhere. Yeah. Yeah, I was just in the kitchen. Yeah. I went to that place once.

I met him there once without you guys. Arnold? Yeah. And at the end, he's like, okay, time for cigars and schnapps. And he had a cigar cutter. And then you had to do a shot of schnapps. This was you doing at the end of a meal.

It's like an exclamation time point. So we should talk about this because we did have a meeting with Schwarzenegger. Yes. I went and I remember there was some other people there too, obviously, some agents and... Normally you'd have Austrian friends around. Like big, burly, long guys.

Really? Yeah. In this case, it was just agents and things like that. Yeah. And I don't remember having any interaction with him other than, hi, fellas. I mean, I think he talked to you guys. Oh, we sat at a table.

Yeah, we sat at a table. But I'm saying... Do you remember... I don't remember him talking about Junior. I remember the first thing he said. The first thing he said, you guys have gone crazy with the politics, giant politics opening and closing.

I remember... So he had read it. Or at least enough of it, but he mentioned that one. He was excited at that point. And then he was just telling us about his other projects. Yeah, I'm going to be a... I play a pregnant guy. And it's really touching and heartwarming.

You know, because I go through and I understand what the women go through. Grammar is because a man, you know, traditionally doesn't have a belly from being pregnant. Exactly. I like that he gets into it because a man doesn't have a uterus. You see?

Yeah, he does not have an uterus. You know the thing that you use to urinate? Yeah. That's what the women don't have that. Men only. Let me write out a diagram. That was weird. Let me tell you something.

I'm the only man who's pregnant that has the six-pack over the belly of the little child. Even a child has the six-packs inside. It's my six-pack who crushed the child. Is there any chance, Arnold, like the three months or an hour is driving down the road listening to this? Sure.

Yeah, it's funny. You know, maybe we go back and we visit. My dream would just be for him to do a live reading with us and just do it for charity. Or for us. Or for us, just for money. Or we say it's for charity. We say it's for charity and then we pocket the money.

Yeah. I've done that many times and people rarely look into it. They don't know. There's no forensic audit. That's a lie. Steve Martin had a great joke. Steve Martin did a charity. He goes, congratulations, you've raised $500,000

minus my salary. So that's $200 for the kids. We mentioned earlier this special miniseries is sponsored by the new Universal Pictures movie, Strays. We're very excited to have Strays as our sponsor. Now, Sona, I understand that you and Blake had an early screening of this movie. Yes.

Tell me, what did you think? Oh, I loved it. Absolutely. It was awesome. I miss raunchy comedies. This is a fun raunchy comedy. It's really actually left out funny. I saw the trailer, which looked funny.

They're using live action dogs. Yes. But with great comedy personalities doing the voices. Yeah. Will Ferrell plays the main dog. Yeah, then Jamie Foxx. Yeah, Isla Fisher, who's really funny. And Randall Park, who's incredible.

And Randall Park, who's awesome. And they're like the four. They're the core dogs. And Will Forte is in the movie as Will Ferrell's owner. Yeah. And Will Forte is just a total douche. Such an asshole. But Will Ferrell plays this character

where he kind of is an innocent like, oh my god, he loves me. But clearly, Will Forte does not love his dog at all. And it was, oh my god, it's also really smart. So my favorite jokes are like, at one point, well, the dog goes to the other dogs. Hey, you guys went in here and knock, knock joke. And they go, yeah.

And she goes, knock, knock. And they'll start barking. Which is really good. And there's this whole thing about they want, like the theory that Jamie Foxx's dog has about humans, that they collect all the dogs, all the dog shit. Because they make it into chocolate, which is why they won't let dogs eat chocolate.

Yes. It's really great. So yeah, Blay likes all the smart humor. I like all the poo poo pee pee jokes in it. And there's a lot of that. And it's really, really funny. Well, it's not a kid's movie. It is rated R.

No, no. Not a kid's movie. Not a kid's movie. It's great. But it is from the humans who brought you Cocaine Bear and 21 Jump Street. Yes. It's worth remembering.

So I'll repeat again. The movie stars Will Ferrell, Jamie Foxx, Ella Fisher, and Randall Parks. Good cast. Check out Stray's only in theaters August 18th. These dogs don't give a sit. Yeah. What?

Yeah. Oh, right. I get it. All right. We're going to go back to it now. And here we go. Interior Arnold's house. Kitchen.

Ah, what are you fellas cooking? Gluten schatzel. Yeah, we figured it was our last night. Gluten schatzel? Franz pierces a piece with a fork and timidly offers it to Arnold. Arnold eyes it cautiously then tastes it. My God.

It's just how I tasted in the old country. Arnold, how come you never talk about the old country? It's not the most pleasant memory. Believe me now. Let it out. I was a happy child, but it wasn't easy for my family. Dissolved to exterior the old country marketplace 30 years ago. Poverty stricken villagers exchanged sparse items.

Some children are lifting tiny weights. It was during the war. Food and weights were hard to come by. Families struggled to stay pumped. Which war was it, Arnold? Who knows? The war. So many.

Dissolved to water's edge later, young Arnold aged 15 with flowing locks in later hose and hugging his family. I loved my simple life, but I was too massive for my family to support. So in desperation. Exterior ocean. Later, young Arnold floating in a giant bottle

across the ocean. They sent me to the States. The only way they could afford to. Promising they'd join me later. Exterior, Ellis Island Day, young Arnold online with tons of other immigrants. Still, I felt abandoned. And then on Ellis Island, I was humiliated.

Young Arnold steps up to the immigration booth. They shortened my name. A rude clerk is in the booth. What's your name, son? Arnold Schwarzenegger, Schlaz and Klaus and Jammerstein. Okay, forget it. Now you're Schwarzenegger. Young Arnold is stunned.

He walks away slowly then stops. I had nothing left. So I told myself I'd never look back. Dissolved to ensure Arnold's office day, 1979. Pan the wall. Posters of Arnold as Mr. Olympia. Arnold in pumping iron. Arnold as Conan, the barbarian, etc.

I focused on my career and it paid off. A 70s Arnold receives a phone call. Then one day, I got a call from little Austria. My grandpa was sick. I thought I'd finally make amends. Exterior, little Austria, church day. Morning villages are gathered outside. A casket emerges from the entrance.

Arnold is the lone pallbear. Carrying the casket by one handle. He is downcast. But I was too late. Sadly does a wrap with the casket. Exterior Arnold's pool. Same Hans and Franz are taking it in. We never knew, Arnold.

We never knew. Yeah, yeah. You can never get it back, fellas. Arnold, how about a dozen schlaps? You guys brought dozen schlaps? We raided grandma's liquor cabinet. I don't know, fellas. Exterior Arnold's pool.

All three are drunk, giggling hysterically and joking in German as they laugh. Come and fight with me. Yeah, me too. What about farming? What about farming? I do it because I'm insecure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I'm doing. I love you guys. You're such losers. Don't leave tomorrow, okay? Arnold starts an Austrian drinking song and Hans and Franz join in. It's really fun to imagine the real Schwarzenegger doing all that.

At what point do you want to talk about why the movie didn't get me? Well, one thing, I'll start the conversation with this, is that I was naive personally and found out later, maybe from the late great Brad Gray, he's got like 10 things at all times. He has multiple, multiple projects,

but I didn't really realize how, you know, we were not necessarily on the top of the list, but we might have got made, but I was probably thinking more like maybe had two projects or three. What I like to do, too, is I have like five projects lined up for myself. It depends on, you know, what I'm looking for.

We're not talking about yard work, Kevin. Oh, I see, I thought you were... Is this one of your projects right now? No, it's raking leaves and shoveling. If you count as a project, I'm screwed. But in retrospect, isn't it... I mean, there are other reasons, too, but movie stars, huge movie stars,

like the rock doesn't have like just two things going on. But I remember a specific phone call that, like, I got to talk to his... Was there a guy named Lou? Do you guys, anybody? Lou! And the guy tells me that, because, so while we were waiting,

Last Action Hero came out and kind of bombed. And Last Action Hero, he didn't play himself, but he played, it was a tongue-in-cheek kind of... He parried. He parried. He was an action hero. As an action hero.

And Lou basically said that Arnold, it was almost like, you know, this proves the law. You can't do yourself. I'll never do myself in the movie again. Right, right. That was the lesson that he took from that. At the time we heard that because Last Action Hero came out,

I don't know if it came out while we were writing it. I think it came out well. But he was developing that then, while he was talking to us about this script. Yes, he was. So it seemed like if we'd gotten to it first, maybe we would have got made. Then we would have been...

You never make fun of yourself. After 30 minutes... Or if ours had been a hit, then he would have just... You always make fun of yourself. You only make fun of yourself. I play myself every time. There must be buttock stores in every movie I make.

I mean, he really was... He was the biggest muscular guy. Now they got so many action stars like that. They got Rock. No, but skinny actors, skinny movie stars get incredibly pumped up now. Yeah, they do. Like Jake Clickin' Hall or just normal guys.

Clickin' Hall. Clickin' Hall. Clickin' Heimer. And his brother, Clickin' Heimer. Jake, love him, great actor. He's probably listening. They all have to do superhero movies. At a normal frame, but then it's like...

I will say this. Have you seen Kumail? I mean... Yeah, but totally. But I will say this. Have you seen me? Mazel. If you're looking at the people that do a lot of them,

I'm gonna... That do the action movies or the Marvel movies, they get very cut. But Arnold was different. Arnold, at his peak, was massive in a way that none of these guys are. I mean, he really was... He's a legit bodybuilder.

Yeah, he was a real bodybuilder. So... The Rock might be bigger than Arnold, I think. Physically bigger? Physically bigger? At this point... I don't think so. But Arnold was huge.

Not Arnold when he was a bodybuilder. Arnold was huge. Not the pumping iron, Arnold. But I'd have to see him side by side in their prime. I'm gonna say that... Arnold was a bodybuilder. Arnold was a bodybuilder, though, and the Rock... Well, Rock was a wrestler.

I know. I'm just... I'll ask some Jim Ratz about that. But I think he was also... You could be more reckless about it, then. Whoops. But here's some of the... Everyone will find fascinating.

No, I was gonna do Bad Boys, because these guys always talk about it, even with me and Lovitz. Yes. Yeah. I don't want to get it down, but in the meantime, Simpson and Bruckheimer, I was gonna play the Will Smith part, you know?

And they said, yeah, we're gonna get a trainer. We're gonna add two inches to your chest. Good God. To try to build me up to be like... I mean, Will Smith is like 6'4". He's not 6'4". All right.

Two and a half. Nope. But anyway, they even tried to do it to me. He's 5'1". I graduated high school at this height at 125. It would have been a heavy lift. No pun intended. But...

You know what I love is the same commitment to the weightlifting thing, which even when you were describing them as being in this really... The thing that there wasn't much food to eat and it was hard to get weights. A weight is anything you can lift. Yeah.

I love this stupidity of... It was hard to get weights. There wasn't much money for weights. It was like that. That being a hardship, weights have to be flown in to this impoverished area so people can bump up. All right.

That does it for the second episode of Hans and Franz, the girly man dilemma. This is the table read. We're bringing this magical script from 1991 to life with Dana Carvey, Kevin Neal and Robert Smigel and myself. So stick around for the next episode where things really heat up.

We never even had a table read for the original. No, we didn't. That would have been fun. Wow. Couldn't afford a table. Could have punched it up. For that. Maybe if Arnold had just come to a table read

he would have got a time machine. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez and talent booking by Paula Davis and Gina Batista. Subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are down.