Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - The Lost Hans and Franz Movie Episode 3

Episode Date: May 31, 2023

Hans and Franz must race to solve the girlynappings before it’s too late in the third part of The Lost Hans and Franz Movie. Plus, Conan and the cast discuss how they planned to snag the long list of guest stars intended for the film.

Universal Pictures, our rated comedy Strays is the presenting sponsor of the Lost Hans and Franz movie a special Conan O'Brien needs a friend mini-series. Stick around later in the episode to hear more about what we thought of the movie. Check out Strays in theaters August 18th. All right, Conan O'Brien here. Welcome to episode three of the reading of the lost Hansen Franz script here with Dana Carvey to have a kneeling right smile myself. No reason to say hi. Really? Not at all. I'm just some courteous and friendly. Yeah, and you're also chewing something. I think fine.

It's cut. Okay, you can cow in the corner. Cut. Okay, you think a cow in the corner could. It's just a... Ah! Ah! We find ourselves in this episode, we're in Beverly Hills,

and I think there's an evil plot. It's a... Oh, yes. It's it, that's it work here. Some girly man abductions are gonna take place. So, what's set the scene? The Stereo-Breville Hills day Day Muscle Men Goons walking purposely down a

Breville Hills street. They kicked down a door Russian, emerged with Gavin Cloud in mid-eating of a sandwich. The actor who played the captain on the loveboat, a Goon spray paints one less girly man on the wall. Oh, Bob Sagitt was in this. Oh, sure. Oh, sure. You bad. God rest your soul, Bob.

I thought to go out to you. What about Gavin? What about his soul? Oh, right. What about Ebert? Nah. Oh, he's sorry. I'm sorry.

Like, Sagitt's got the only soul around here. I knew Gavin McCloud. That man had no soul. Bob Sagitt on the set of his show, a net is thrown over him in Muslim Goons, drag him off, insert TV screen, a newscast in progress, a picture of John Ritter over his soul. Oh my God.

Is there anyone alive in the show? Anyone, what do you, what do you take on his soul? Would you like God to rest it? My take is, my take it is that this script is like the ring. Oh yeah. Anybody who's in it's been 30 years. Let's do it just a blanket God rest everyone on this movie. So no longer here. Who's Insert TV screen a newscast in progress a picture of a very much alive John Ritter over the anchor woman's shoulder subtitled

girly nap. Once again, a message was left this time reading what a complete girly man. The total is now at 16 girly nappings as... Insert another report. A possible breakthrough in the girly nap mystery. The term girly man has been traced to an obscure bodybuilding program. A clip of pumping up with Hans and Franz is played. That was canceled not long ago before the first girly nap occurred. Interior Arnold's living room later. Hans and Franz and Arnold are lounging

in their later hosin. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Someone is getting it. Yes, you are. Arnold's size and frustration exterior, Arnold's house night. Glass. Snoodson-Gluffs and exterior, Arnold's house night, a slew of police cars descend upon the house. Interior, Arnold's living room later. Several investigators are questioning Hans and Franz as Arnold watches. Have you ever used the term, girly man?

Yeah. When was the last time you used it? What about a minute ago? As the investigators take notes, Arnold interrupts. Excuse me, Sergeant, but this is ridiculous. I've known these guys a long time. Plus, I'm a huge saw. That's not a count for some favoritism.

You're right, Mr. Schwarzenegger. We're sorry to take up your time. Everyone gets up just then. Just that easy. It actually is. Just then a few cops emerge from the basement. Sir, we've located a breakdown in the security systems downstairs. Well, Arnold runs to the open wall where the box of crackers is missing.

My crackers! Who called them saying them? Only we know about them. I mean, but we didn't. I'm afraid we're gonna have to bring your cousins in for more questioning. Arnold, please. Let it wait until tomorrow. For God's sake, I'm bigger than clock gable. Fair enough. Ha ha ha ha. Also dead.

The investigator and cops leave. Ha ha. We're innocent, Arnold, believe us now. Put your hand on your bicep. Who you swear on your cardiovascular system so help you, brother, muscle. Yeah, yeah. Of course, all right. So now what do we do? You've got, so help you, but the muscle. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. So now what do we do? You've got the cops after you, and I've got no crackers. I know. It's really good in an exciting. Yeah, yeah. I wonder what he thinks.

What who thinks? Follow up. Hanson Franz runs through another secret door with Arnold following them. Interior screening room, moments later, Hanson Franz walked behind the aisle towards Ebert Seat. Again, movie critic. Arnold Trails behind.

What's the deal, fellas? Did they damn good, huh, Ebert? The seat is empty except for some popcorn and candy. Yeah, Ebert? They notice the empty seat and look the camera. They got an Ebert! They got an Ebert! Ebert!

Interior, lair, same. Roger Ebert is struggling on cross country skiing machine Wearing shorts in the tank top a Muslim and goon cracks it up behind him as he huffs and puffs Rolf walks by Spare no discipline. This one's a project Good one Lutemeth Good one, Lieutenant. With these maths-pilled in crackles, our plan cannot fail. Outkments feeding immediately.

Soon the girly man will be ready to enter the mistil little Austria contest, where I will display them to the world. Yes. Good. And what about the environment? Oh, it's smarting. Looks right to camera. It's smarting! Ah! Insert movie screen.

The same scene is continuing on the screen. Rolf and Mr. X laughing. Interior screening room. Hans and Franz are watching it's definitely sitting and eating ebberts popcorn. Unbelievable. It was all for long. What the god? He's got my crackers and how about the other guy? Yeah, with the voice. Yeah, it's terrible too. It's a great movie too. Yeah, but the crackers. They're not ready to be eaten. They're going to have side effects, terrible side effects. You've got to get back to a little Austrian stab them.

The entire town is in great danger. Oh, how much time into the side effects? They will take effect. Turning right into camera. In T minus 72 hours. Music, dramatic sting, as Arnold speaks, a digital clock readout marked time until side effects. 72 hours appears in the lower left corner and immediately starts ticking down. Oh no, what do we do?

You've got to get the antidote to the girly man. Here it is. Arnold produces and hands them a can of cheese whiz. It comes in the form of cheese whiz. It comes into form of cheese whiz. Now go! Yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee- the ever the Ciscull and Ebert thing or it was it was originally Ciscull and Ebert but Ebert that was funny to me to just put have Arnold and I mean have these guys walk and watch a critic in the middle of the movie like several times but then it got to this stage of the movie and all of these bad comedies back then had like there were two things that I really wanted to do in this movie was like have the bad guy be funny. Yep. Which just what didn't exist like all these eighties movies were funny in a lot of ways, but they would always have

that serious bad guy like Max von Cito that you have to take the Marvel movies now. Right. We're all like at that little kind of a. Oh, everything he's twist everything's a wink. Yeah. Austin powers Austin Pout. Well, he's like he he cracked the code. He came up with the character as funny as the main guy. But the whole raw thing for one thing, like I love that because it was like, it was sort of a final solution. I mean, it's from my dark Jewish sensibility. When I was looking at it this morning,

I thought it was the little thing. Yeah, no, the bad guy who wants to take, who wants to take what you guys do way too far. Right. And then the other thing in these movies was, there would be like these messages about things like the environment. Yes.

In these bad 80s comedies, like they'd try to have a morality play going on at the same time. A lot of it got into the save the world, mentality. Yep. So I love the idea that Walfe is this a cat a shacker? What do you which ones? No, not cat a shack, but like spies like us kind of movies or drag net. There were a lot of serious bad guys in these

movies and that would sort of stop the film cold. So then here, I love the idea of like, um, Ralph, he had his, he had his first plan about, you know, just eliminating girly men, but then just tacked on gratuitously. And I'm going to hurt the environment. Yeah. What's also that it's just a button. Yeah. He just pushes a button to hurt the environment. Yeah. Yeah. So we get to this point in the movie and another device that's always in these kinds of movies is like, you have to figure out a way for the hero to find out what the bad guy's up to. And it's always some lame device overhearing, you know, it's a bun over here.

Yeah, they over here, but and here like, just watch it. Dendally, we'd set up this thing where Ebert's watching the movie. So they walk in and instead of it just being the third version of this joke, they actually get to watch what's happening. They find out about the bad guy by watching the movie.

I guess is it meta? Is that the, yes, that was hyper meta. It's meta, meta joke, ever. Yes, that's right. Not the Facebook pattern company. I also love that when you read a script, a normal script, oftentimes, if someone's introduced, it says someone like a Kurt Cameron or someone like Kurt.

But we, you know, I'm just throwing out random names or someone, you know, someone like a Rob Lowe, but because we were starting with the assumption that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be more than half the movie, once you've swallowed that pill, we go hog wild. And suddenly, we're just throwing people in the movie left and right. Who out of doubt. Yeah. Hey, we don't do it.

If Arnold will do it, if Sonny Bono will do it. Yeah. Arnold can just call people up and say, you'll do it. And he was, you know, he could do it, if Sonny Bono will do it. Yeah, Arnold can just call people up and say, you'll do it. And he was, you know, he could do it. Yeah. So I think I love that. I love that just the, we were so sure that everyone,

we're doing big. Sure. We swung for the fences. Mm. And ultimately no one did it. Is that right? Yeah, no one did it. Didn't come to fruition as they say.

Well, that you're ruining the endings. I think a lot of people listening don't know if this movie was ever made or not. So let's keep that as a possibility. Maybe it did come out. Maybe they read the e-fer book. Maybe it was a massive 1992 hit. Good event, man.

A lot of hits from 1992 have been forgotten. So why not just why don't people it was made and it actually did pretty well. And this is a big reunion. Yeah, exactly. The real Arnold's on pretty well. And this is a big reunion. Yeah, exactly. The real Arnold's on his way. Based on a true story. Well, let's not say that's never been made yet. We can say that yet. Yeah, never say never. Yeah, no pain, no gain. We mentioned earlier this special mini-series is sponsored by the new Universal Pictures

movie Strays. Very excited to have Strays as our sponsor, Sona, you and Blay went to an early screening and you told me you really liked it. I loved it and I actually am really glad they're sponsoring because I don't have to lie and say I like that. I actually really, really liked it a lot. It made me laugh. Blay, what did you think?

I loved it. It's about Reggie and Naive and eternally optimistic dog who's trying to find his way back home when he meets Bug, a street smart stray that teaches Reggie how fucking great life can be when you're off the leash. It was fantastic. It's like a classic, ranty comedy. I've been missing it. And what are some of the jokes that you liked in it?

Well, there's, why were they go to like a carnival and then the fireworks go off and they think they're at war? Yeah. And then there's one where they go to a carnival and then the fireworks go off and they think they're at war and then there's just like a really funny take on it. One is like, also they want to be friends with each other so they just all pee on each other. Yeah, if you pee on something you own it. And my favorite part was they do shrooms at one point because like really trippy it was super, super funny.

It's really funny. I mean, we're not doing it justice. It's definitely, if you just want to laugh in a movie, it's awesome. Well, it's not a kids movie. We want to point out it's rated R. Yes. All right. So there's no confusion there.

Don't pack up all the kids and bring in. Yeah. But I have heard this is quite a funny movie. It is from the humans who brought you cocaine bear and 21 jump street. Yes. It's pretty. It's great. These people know what they're doing.

And it stars Will Ferrell, Jamie Foxx, Ila Fisher, and Randall Park, the best. It's a very good cast. So check out Strays Only in Theater's August 18th. You gotta go to the theater. It's time to go back, people. These dogs don't give a sit. Do it. See what I did there?

Alright, should we get back to it? Arnold, too concerned with his Hollywood career to leave, sends Hans and Franz back to Little Austria to infiltrate Rolf's evil lair and save the girly men from becoming out of control muscle-bound monsters. Exterior highway night, Hans and Franz ride their tandem by done at Dark Highway. Almost there, Hansi. Yeah, soon we'll be heroes.

But how do we get into the evil layer to save the Galeiman? We're a lemma afraid there's only one way. Exterior urban landscape day, Hans and Franz approach, interior little Austria entrance, same. They have gone undercover as girly men. And where exaggerated disguises, Hans excessively effeminate, Franz excessively nerdy, clock reads 21 hours, six minutes, 28 seconds.

That's good to be back, isn't he, hun? Remember, we're girlie men. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we must adopt girlie men or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And true, your little Austria town square is same. They mill about trying to get noticed. My look at all the pretty flowers.

Yeah, I would look at them, but I'm too busy not exercising. A few Muslim goons see them and whisper to each other. Hans addresses a woman. Oh, you simply must tell me where you got that top. Yeah, I can't believe my 20 lose eyes. The goons approach them. Would you two gentlemen like to come with us?

For whatever fall. Hans and Frans share a wink as they are taken away. Interior, Ralph Slaire, moments later, Ralph is examining Hans and Frans who continue playing up their disguises. Clock, 21 hours, one minute, 48 seconds. So glad you could join me. I have special plans for the both of you Hans and France Hans and fron surprise drop their attitudes take them away Hans and fron's are grabbed and hauled away. We should have known it would be impossible to hide our considerable bulk Yeah, yeah, but I think you did have them pulled for a minute I think you're quite mistaken my my friend. If you thought anyone was a girly man, it's your your lair later.

Ebert is inside a machine-marked flabbo suction. What was he going to think when he read this? It is connected. I'm in where? Listen. I just want to make sure I'm saying it right. Is it flabbo suction? Yes, yes.

The flabbo suction machine is connected through a network of tubes to Hans and Frange, who are tied down to another machine. Rob Steads triumphantly on a perch above them. The clock now reads 0, 0 hours, 11 minutes, 16 seconds. Oh my God. How fortuitous of you to arrive at this moment. You see, I was just about to suck the flap from this

shamangas critic. Ha ha ha ha! Still reading, Ebert? But now that you're here, the flap won't go to waste. Our bodies will reject the Ebert flap. Yeah, it's like oil in water. Ha ha ha! We'll see who can't accept ebberdflab.

And then ebberd says, could you stop calling it ebberdflab? Please, don't give us a bad review. Enough! Commence! Flab or such, in? A muffleman gun hits a switch. Slowly, we see chunks of of flap going through the tubing towards Hans and Franz. Oh, no, no, no. We're going to drop off right there for this episode.

I mean, this is, that's incredible. Hans and Franz are tied down while chunks of fat are being taken out of revered critic Roger Ebert. And thanks to the evil Ralph, who by the way, Ralph was the idea to play Ralph was Dolf Lunggren. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. I like it part where Dana doesn't want me to think you really was a feminine or a girl

or a girl or a man. Yeah, they're still bickering about. They've been caught and probably know they're about to be killed, but they're bickering about we weren't convincing. Yeah, that was too convincing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were not the reason we are too much. You possibly do this.

You didn't want anybody to think you were convincing enough to be a girl or a man. It's so laughable that anyone could think we were properly pumped up. Is there funny how it's how we were feminine? I knew it never worked. There's no disguising what these things are. Yeah, I was trying to figure out. I was trying to figure out.

Yeah, had we, let's say it had gone ahead and it had come time to send the script to Ebert. What? What? I just picture I know that it would have been Robert and I. Yeah. On the phone. And it's all on the phone or in person. I just picture I know that it would have been Robert and I. On the phone or in person saying, hey, we want to talk to. And then how would we sell that that it's all about your, your flat?

Yeah, what would be in it for him? I got to experience this years later doing triumph. Yep. And I would get people to do stuff in advance. And it was always hilarious. Right. You know, and I think, I mean, I think in this case, Hanzo Franz were already hit characters. If Arnold had really done the movie, I honestly think a lot of these people do you think Iber would have done it.

Yes, I do. Yeah, I do. I don't think Cisco would though. Iber was the good one out of the two. You know what? And that was what you brought up. You brought up triumph. And I think it's worth remembering. I remembered when triumph got got really big and huge, people would contact the, you know, us and say, Oh, oh, I want

a triumph to get me. And I remembered it was fun. Jovey. Bungie. Remember that was Richie Samborra's completely. Yeah. Richie Samborora's completely. Yeah. Richie Sambora wanted it. And so, and the guys were all excited and they put triumphs picture on the backstage passage. On their backstage passage. And it was a big thing.

And then I remembered you went there and all the jokes were so mean about John Bon Jovi and you thought, at the end, is there some part of him? I remember there was like, he was not, he was the only one. He's very nice to me more in later years. But I could tell that he was he was not as into it as well. Well, he was really into getting his his acting career going and you said, oh, I understand in this industry, you'll play a vampire. Finally, a role that requires you to suck. Yes. And I saw the stacks, Joe. I saw the light go out of his eyes a little bit and I thought, oh shit. Yeah.

I think with Uber on the set, getting the thing hooked up, I think you're like, oh, yeah, there's use a lot of water. I don't know. He wouldn't have walked. He couldn't have he's attached to a hose. That was the trick. That's, I see. Get your camera.

That's it. It was tied up to an object. Yeah. Well, that was my trick. No, people like Joey Fattone, they're dying to get object. Yeah. Yeah. That was my trick. No, people like Joey Fatoon, they're dying to get out there and be shat on. Right. Right. I mean, they all became a high honor, like having Rickles shit on you.

It became I remember once we did a triumph on late night where Simon Cowell was sitting right next to me and you tore into Simon Cowell and I'm saying right next to him. And you really go at him and after it was over, he looked at me and he was covered in sweat and he went, that was rough. That was so funny because like I remember afterward him telling me, no, this will be good for me. No, no, no, no, but he was going through it.

He said it was so funny. What would be your opening line to Ebert to try to get him to do this? I would say Roger. How are you? Hey, congratulations Arnold Schwarzenegger, biggest star in the world, because it's 1991. It wants you to be in his next film. Okay.

I mean, he doesn't want Cisco and he does have a lot of that. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I see. How about you, Michael? What would you say to him? To Ebert? Yeah.

I would have said this is read the script and see what you think. I would have tried to be very complimentary that we love your show. So you would let them discover what the thing was alone. I would have said it's, you know, no, I would have set up the story. I would have said, you're going to be there's going to be a whole bunch of celebrities that this evil guy wants to convert into muscle men. Okay.

I would have mentioned that I wouldn't have said that they're all flabby. Can I say one thing? What I would have done. Yeah. I would have gone back, re-read it, and taken out the line that Rolf has. You see, I'm just about to sub the flab from this humongous credit. I would have just deleted the line, humongous. And then added it on the day of the shooting.

Dolph improvises. You know, Dolph, you get, you know, you get, once you get Dolph 100 and go away. We're just gonna try one take, where he calls you hum humongous. We won't even use it. Cut the moon. I didn't see the flabblestuction thing in here before.

Did you add that to the flabblestuction? Dang it. What would you say? Seriously, I would, I'd be To seriously, I would compliment him. You would be so averse to conflict. You would be nowhere around. I would tell him, well, I would tell him, you don't really have to do this.

You don't need it. That's right. You don't need it, but we think it's a lot of good fun. It's ridiculous. You would have said it's ridiculous. The characters are silly. The whole thing is in good fun. Everyone is having fun in this movie. Yes.

And having fun with their image. So I think it would be really funny. Roger or whatever, E, E, B. Yeah, I just would have tried to butter them up, smooth them over and about this. And for the triumph and what I did, but like you every everybody you impersonated, well, like, for example, Arnold was dying to do the sketch on the show and what I did, but like you, everybody you impersonated, well like for example, Arnold was dying to do the sketch on the show and John McLaughlin and Regis, President Bush, President Bush, yeah, all of these people were thrilled to be talking about the second flyb out of them.

Oh, but you know, it was still pretty, here's what I would say, and this is why I'm not a good negotiator. I would open up like this, Roger, you're not going to like this. How about this, Roger, you're not going to like this, but first let's concede. You could lose some. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll lose a few pounds. Well, also besides a competition with Cisco, was there another reviewer that he would maybe hate? And we go, we rejected him. Yeah, we rejected this. Or he's calling kale. If it's not you, we're gonna get Pauline kale and then he has to do it.

Oh right, then he has to do it. He wants to deny kale, the privilege of being on. Anyway, this has been inside baseball. How to manipulate people to do your project with Conan O'Brien. And actually his next week, Al Roker. Yeah. All right, this is the end of episode three. Join us for episode four, where we, uh, we, we read more of the Lost Hans and Franz movie

to a nation that just can't get enough. We'll see you then. The Lost Hans and and Franz Movie. Written and performed by Dana Carvey, Kevin Neeland, Robert Smigel, and Conan O'Brien. Additional voice work by Matt Goyle, Sonom of Cessian, David Hopping, and Matt Powers. Produced and edited by me, Matt Goyle, directed by Matt Powers. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Lao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our

associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering by Eduardo Perez and talent booking by Paula Davis and Gina Batista. Subscribe to Conan O'Brien, needs a friend on Apple podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever Fine Podcasts are down. This has been a team Coco production in association with Ewol. you