Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - The Lost Hans and Franz Movie Episode 4

Episode Date: June 7, 2023

On the thrilling finale of The Lost Hans and Franz Movie, Hans, Franz, and Arnold discover the true face behind the evil girlyman plot. Plus, remembering other SNL inspired movie scripts that never made the cut.

Universal Pictures, our rated comedy Stray's is the presenting sponsor of the Lost Hans and Franz movie a special Conan O'Brien needs a friend mini-series. Stick around later in the episode to hear more about what we thought of the movie. Check out Stray's in theaters August 18th. Hey, Conan O'Brien here. Welcome to Hey Conan O'Brien here, welcome to installment 4 of the Lost Huns in Franz movie, The Girlie Man de Lemme. If you've been following, and I think you have, if you're listening to episode 4, if not, you're an idiot, if you're starting with this one, it will make no sense. But yes, we are reading a script that was written in 1991 by Dana Carvey, Kevin Neow and Robert Smigel myself and

Featuring what we hope would be Arnold Schwarzenegger in the starring role We'll tell you if that ended up happening or not. Don't Google it And so now we're things are really coming along here I think when we when we last left I believe Rolf whose evil evil Rolf was sucking the flab from film critic, Jesus Christ. Rodger, Ebert, and pumping it into Hans and Franz against their will. That old saw. Yeah. You've seen it once, you've seen it a thousand times. Okay, here we go. After coming to his senses that helping others is more important than a career in show

business, Arnold saves Hans and Franz at the last second and the three head to Little Austria for a final showdown. Exterior, Little Austria, Town Square, saying, The habit continues for pumped girly men are carrying the schoolhouse. Reddenbacker is now digging a huge hole like a dog. Horses and towns people are flying everywhere. Suddenly Arnold arrives in the Humvee with Hans and Franz. Interior Humvee, Arnold reaches for the dashboard. We see a button marked impressive entrance. He

pushes it. Exterior Humvee, Arnold is ejected from the cab, flipping several times in a tuck position through the air until finally landing feet first in the middle of the crowd. Those that have witnessed this stop in their tracks, they can't believe it's him. It's Arnold. Oh, man. Oh, what's in there? Arnold starts pulling the pumped up girly men off some of the townspeople.

He punches the pumped up sunny Bono. God rest his soul. Oh, wow. It's sending him flying into a clothes line where he lands in a little North font LaRoy outfit, hanging out to dry. Hans and Franz watch from the sideline standing near a pretty girl. Now it's a pop by episode.

I know. Yeah. We are his cousins. Arnold Tussles with the pump to John Ritter and Orville Redden Boxer. Oh my God. Hey, if you're listening, get out your late 80s, early 90s reference guard. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh

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Yeah, Paul Simon would do it Oh, he would because of the Lord you You're right. Lord said you should do it, Paul. It shows that you're laughing at yourself. Next year, a little Austria-town square, same. With the last girlieman vanquished, Arnold suddenly notices the clock tower about to fall over as the crowd screams in horror. Arnold begins flexing his pecs over and over. Faster and faster.

And so they are going so fast, they propel him to float upward like a helicopter. So... helicopter were Arnold floats, and I want you to understand this, everybody listening, his pecs, his pecs are flexing so quickly, they have the same effect as helicopter blades. They create lift.

Arnold floats to the top of the tower and tilts it upright as he floats down everyone cheers Arnold. He took a shopping for clothes. Franz is still bragging to a girl. Say next time. Arnold climbs up on the stage as the cheering continues. All right, listen. Do understand what happened here. This was madness. You can't wipe out girly men! A lot of these girly men are important accountants and graphic designers! Are you saying that girly men have value? No! Yes! Yes! I am saying! Why, without girly men, there'd be no Muslim men! No Muslim men! Who do you think made these exercise machines?

Curly men, these machines did not just happen. Turning the page, leaking my finger. These machines did not just happen. Some nerdy girly man sat on his fat buttings and designed them. Hurray! Hurray! The girly man sat on his fat butt and designed them Yeah, we should say we wanted Arnold Schwarzenegger to play his own grand. Yeah, so Arnold wearing a grand mother's We were gonna say oh and Arnold by the way We're putting a grandmother wig on you. Yes. You're gonna Medea it and say, that's my Arnold.

Arnold is exultant. He waves to grandma. Suddenly, Ralph swings from the Mr. Little Austria banner and knocks Arnold over. Gone soft, Mr. Hollywood. They circle each other on stage. The crowd watches anxiously. Welcome to your rap party. The crowd murmurs in approval. That was a good one. Sorry to be the party pooper. The crowd murmurs again. That wasn't too shabby. You're the pooper. I'm the pooper. Scooper. Oh, crowd murmurs loudly. That was the top or so far. Ralph Reacherson picks up a large barbell. Scoop this! Ralph flicks the barbell, firing three giant weights at Arnold. Arnold catches the first two with each hand

and the third one in his mouth. He spits it out and speaks. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Watch yourself. I could very easily stretch your flab so thin. I could use it for dental floss. You arrogant son of a freestyler. Ralph charges Arnold with the barbell through special effects.

Trick photography. I wonder why we had to say that. As if everything else can happen easily. Arnold grabs Ralph and actually stretches his buttocks and love handles into long ropes of flap, rapidly stretching them thinner and thinner. Exterior stage, one with later. Arnold, Hans and Franz are sitting atop a dazed Rolf. Oh my god.

They are flapping their teeth with his stretch flap. So crazy. Yeah, yeah. Remember, Valus, get onto the gum. Very important. Ha ha ha. The crowd cheers, yay! Yay!

Suddenly, lasers shoot out of the sky, narrowly missing Arnold Hans and Franz. They converge and form a giant swirling holographic image that represents Mr. X. Pospone your celebration. The townspeople huddle in fear. Who's that? Oh no, it's the voice guy from the earlier end of the movie.

You have interfered in for that you will pay the price. I do not take kindly to meddling muscleheads falling up my work. As Mr. X speaks, Pantan over frightened villagers' faces ending on helmet-looking a candy apple. Suddenly a damp t-shirt fires from the hologram and hovers. Remember this shirt, Franz? I... I think it's a laundry.

It didn't quite make it. The T-shirt flies violently into Franz's face with a loud thwap, and he rides and discusses. Oh! The smell! The townspeople wins. Helmet continues eating suddenly 10 sweat socks chewed out from the hologram and other. Recognize these socks, Hans. I'm not sure. Small one now. They've been sitting at the bottom of your laundry basket for months. Ha ha ha ha ha. The socks fire at Hans, covering him, one flies into his mouth. Go on!

Many of the villages are now wearing gas masks. Suddenly a large jock strap fires out of the hologram and hovers. Unold. No, no! Not my jock strap, please. Anything but my- The jock strap shoots out and wraps around Arnold's face.

Crazy thing ever, Rick. The crowd screams in horror. This is your idea. What's it? The crowd screams in horror and helmet still watching him passively as jostled by a shock villager. His candy apple is stuck to a curtain as he pulls the app.

The curtain is open revealing a man operating levers. Hansen Franz notice. Franz, look over there. The hologram affects slow down. Pay no attention to the man behind the cata. I don't believe it. Hans Franz and Arnold starts moving toward the booth. The man frantically works the controls.

I said, pay no attention. I... The man turns weekly toward them. He is Jack Lillane. God rest his soul. May he rest in peace. Jack Lillane is a 1950s reference. May Jack Lillane's children also rest in peace.

Oh my God, we pinned the whole thing on Jack, even in 91, this was a huge stretch. It was a bit of a stretch, yes. It turns out to be reading, and they say God bless Hansen from the South. Exactly. All right, so the man turns weekly toward them, and I'll just explain to anyone listening, Jack Elaine was the original fitness workout guy from the 1950s. From the 1950s. From the 1950s. Yeah,, 50s, 60s.

Yeah, I'm gonna substitute Regis for him. Yeah, the man turns weekly toward them. He is Jacqueline. Elaine. There you go. That's right. It's me. You worthless hateful piece of scum.

How could you? Well, I'm not, I can't do Regis. So, as Pick a Cigarette would divide it, take a buggy. Okay, I'm an old, I can't do it. As big a secret word, if I had to take a bug you. Okay, I'm an old man. I don't have a lot going on. What about your infomercials? I knocked those off at an hour. I should have known you're the lowest form of life

on the planet. Don't move a step closer, swallowing your back out. Now, after this, we'll discuss our pitch to Jack will land. Yeah, exactly. And the line, you're the lowest form of life on the planet would have been been an 85 year old exercise guru I think he would have been the first one to say yes Elaine reaches and grabs grandma much Schwarzenegger from the crowd he holds it. God. Oh, the old gal gets it. God, mama. You'll fire little roght.

I swear to God at this point, Robert, you and I are just having fun. Say what can we say to Jack Laine, who's a revered, lovely man. Well, let's go ahead and tell the next line. Exactly. Say it, baby, baby, so, but this rodent bites. So, Elaine is accepting he's a by a little. He takes the criticism and he puts it right back. Grammama expertly elbows Elaine in the gut, then grabs him by his head and flips him over

her. He lands on the ground with a huge thud, but Elaine gets up diving headfirst into Grammama's gut, Arnold moves into help. Stay back, he's fine. That's grandma. Ma says that just distinguishing her. Yeah. First Arnold. Arnold reluctantly backs off as grandma and Elaine viciously go at it. Kicking biting and pulling it. It's an ugly standoff until Elaine suddenly grabs grandma's glasses and crushes them with grandma.

Disoriented the late kicker in the groin. Sending her to the floor, writhing Arnold Somley walks over to his humvee, lives a side fender and pulls out a giant pump action shotgun. That's no way to treat a lady. He points the shotgun at Elaine and fires. Elaine is hitting the head, producing a giant hole that quickly closes up via more via morph effect as

in Terminator 2. Elaine has made a liquid. Now he says yes to the project. Nice try swatching out bow with my feet, gentlemen. Come on, everybody bow. Elaine raises his arms triumphantly and steps aboard his jackal lane step or exercise machine. As the other slowly bow at his feet, he steps proudly on the ship.

I am the first. I am forever. Hans and Franz kneeling suddenly notice a speed control knob at the foot of the stepper. Franz quickly turns it to its top speed. The lane begins to step out of control. I am a little bit. I am a little bit. I am a little bit.

I am a little bit. I am a little bit. This stepper propels the lane, sending sending him flying into the hologram with a loud zap Elaine evaporates into nothing. He's gone. You've killed him. Hail to Hans and Franz. Elaine is dead.

Everyone cheers. On the block, the converted musclemen using the more effect bono Simon red and bockert said a happily returned to their original bodies Turning back into gray man as it should be and look everyone the sun comes out birds chirp a rainbow starts to form The environment It's better It's still deteriorating, but you know an acceptable rate It's still deteriorating, but you know, an acceptable rate. Yeah. Everyone cheers.

Suddenly, and you're the horizon, a large mouth forms out of the ground. It is the Earth speaking. Now, who's going to ask the Earth to do this? You've saved me so that generations to come may also enjoy my bounty. I thank you all, and I know that they would thank you too. You're very welcome, Earth. I got you this. A bottle of wine with the ribbon on it shoots out of the earth's mouth and lands in Arnold's hand. Thank you. Aren't you going to open it? Well sure. Okay. The man at the store said it was your

favorite. No, no, it's great one. Thank you. Thank you. My pleasure. Well, I should be going. Thanks again. See you later. Yeah, yeah, thank you. All the best. The mouth is all I have ever. The mouth is all back into the air. I'm sorry. One of my favorite kinds of humor. This feels very Robert to me. His I don't know. It is is the dryness of the earth opens up and thanks Arnold for saving the environment.

Has an awkward conversation. And then there's has to be an awkward, flat conversation of, I got you this, oh it's nice. Well the guy at the store said it's your favorite. Oh no, oh yeah, yeah, like, this is a gift from the earth to a human and hit some bottle of wine that Arnold's like okay with like just put that aside I love that Arnold is such a superstar that he's has sort of higher status than here. Yes, he does like the earth is drying But also what the earth what is the earth?

If the earth is a player and this what the fuck has it been doing this whole movie Now he shows up and gives some wine. I like the conversation. He has it with a wine guy in the and the you know the wine store How does the earth go in the earth has to go. Yeah, this was before Amazon. This was before Amazon the earth has to go I have to go excuse me Yeah, I'm looking for something like an arad, I think. How much do you wanna spend? Hundreds too much, but I'd go above 50. I've just had that flag.

What do you think Arnold Schwarzenegger would like? The earth asking. The earth is a reasonable budget. Y-y-y-y-y-y. That was insane. I love that it's Jacqueline. I'm just thinking of all the studio notes we would have had. They would have said, the Mr.

actually reveal cannot be Jacqueline. You've got to come up with someone. You can't get the Earth. It's doing another movie now. The Earth is insulted. It's a big, ebert fan. I hired a making fun of himself. Wow. That was a great actually flossing themselves with

flash. I kind of understand why it didn't get made. I you know, I don't know. I see now. It was all about Arnold. If Arnold had really believed in it and wanted it. There would have been a lot of changes. I probably I don't think this would have I think that we would

have made many concessions. But it starts off so it's real and crazy, and then you wouldn't think it could get any crazy, but then all of a sudden the earth is talking. No, no, no. It definitely follows a familiar pattern, which is it starts pretty insane, and then that is the low point.

Ooh, that is the low point. Of insanity, and then it talks it. Yeah. We mentioned earlier this special mini series is sponsored by the new Universal Pictures movie Strays. Very excited to have Strays as our sponsor, Sona. You and Blay went to an early screening and you told me you really liked it. I loved it and I actually am really glad they're sponsoring because I don't have to lie

and say I like that. I actually really, really liked it. It made me laugh. Blay, have to lie and say I like that. I actually really, really liked it. I did a lot, it made me laugh. Blade, what did you think? I loved it. It's about Reggie and Naive, an eternally optimistic dog who's trying to find his way back home when he meets Bug, a street smart stray that teaches Reggie

how fucking great life can be when you're off the leash. It was fantastic. It's like a classic, raunchy comedy. I've been missing it. And what are some of the jokes that you liked in it? Well, there's, why were they go to like a carnival and then the fireworks go off and they think they're at war? And then there's just like a really funny take on it.

One is like, also they want to be friends with each other, so they just all pee on each other. Yeah, if you pee on something you own it. And my favorite part was they do shrooms at one point because like really trippy was super, super funny. It's really funny. I mean, we're not doing it justice. It's definitely, if you just want to laugh in a movie, it's awesome.

Well, it's not a kids movie. We want to point out it's rated R. No, no. All right. So there's no confusion there. Don't pack up all the kids and bring in. Yeah. But I have heard this is quite a funny movie.

It is from the humans who brought you cocaine, bear and 21 jump street. Yes. It's pretty. So these people know what they're doing. And it stars Will Ferrell, Jamie Foxx, I LaFisher and 21 jump street. Yes. It's for you to remember. It's great. These people know what they're doing. And it stars Will Ferrell, Jamie Foxx, Eilifisher, and Randall Park, the best. It's a very good cast. So check out Strais Only in theaters, August 18th. You gotta go to the theater.

It's time to go back, people. These dogs don't give a sit. Do it. See what I did there? Let's see if the earth is the mic drop. Or do we go sentimental? I don't even remember it this last. This is just like a closing song, I think.

Like one of a... This is now... All about the message of learning to live with people. Everything has to have a song in it. That's true. There's a lot of songs. There's a lot of songs. But this one, yes, this was sort of an obligatory kind of closing lesson.

Yeah. Okay, here we go. Okay Exterior little Austria. These towns been through a lot these past few days as Arnold speaks all the principles and towns people gather behind him But we've all learned something very important. Yeah, we learned that Gelliman and Muslim can live side by side. Wait, wait, we talked about this remember? Music kicks in. Everyone holds hands. First Hans and Frances' literal garden, I just sing. Yeah music kicks in. Everyone holds hands. First, Hans and Franz's literal guardian angel sings. This is the guardian angel singing. What was the guardian angel?

Was that earlier in the movie? That is from earlier in the movie. Can you tell us what was the kind of accent? Did he have an accent? It was during when they were eating the litters of the Hollywood sign at a low point, the guardian angel, oh, that's right. And was he just like a clearance kind of figure?

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's what I thought. And they disregard his advice. Yes, right. It's a wonderful life. I can eat all I want. And you'll understand. I can sit on my ass and we can live hand in hand.

Then Paul Simon. I can get weakened fat and enjoy a Kit Kat. And everyone together. Because it's a brotherhood of man and girly man. Gavin McLeod sings. I can eat mint molanos from Pepperidge Farm. And Sunny Bono. I can let my ass egg and be free of harm.

I will thank him for the farmers. Every loser has this place Roger Reaver can go to the movies and stuff my face or for Redenbuck. I can let myself go to hell while I work out all day. That's a grand moment. But I work out all day. Then Arnold sings. We can I was dubbed with James Ingram's voice.

Yeah. We can all embody pump it with James Ingram's voice. Yeah. We can all embody Pompatoo and our own peculiar way. Guardian Angel sings. I cannot have a neck and still have a ball. And the earth sings. And if nobody litters, I'm fine with it all. Hans and Franz. It's not pretty to look at, but we must understand everybody

that is all the hood of man and girlie man. So Hans, what do we do now? I wish I knew Amy steps in behind them. Oh, we'll think of something. Amy! The three of them hug Arnold approaches. Well, fellas, I'm on my way. Please stay on the coast.

My place is on the coast. You guys want the ride? Hans and Franz both put their arms around Amy. Everything we want is right here. What? Who's Amy? It's like an orphan from earlier. So it's not a romantic interest. Oh, I see.

No, it was actually. Oh, it was. It was a romantic interest. The joke was that they're so close that they just have one girlfriend. Oh, I forgot that. It was written in a very innocent way. Yeah. In context, it looks incredibly creepy.

Yeah, it looks really creepy. It looks really creepy. It looks very strange. Explain, this is just sweet. No one's having sex here. Yeah, yeah. Okay, Hans and Franz both put their arms around. Amy and very sweet. It's just sweet. No one's having sex here. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Hans and Franz both put their arms around. Amy and say everything we want is right here. Hans and Franz, cheerfully hug Arnold. Arnold approaches. Renemann hugs her. You know, we didn't really get to talk. All even stand next to each other. But still,

it meant a lot to me. Yeah. Take care, leepsion. So we're now getting met up how the fact that they're both played by the same person. Yeah. God. Arnold, it's been 30 some of years. Arnold tears up and suddenly walks away. He waves goodbye one more time, then transforms into a plane. Ha ha ha ha a role of man and Gully Man. Ariel shot of the townspeople singing from Arnold's perspective. The Arnold plane wearing sunglasses flies across the screen and waves to camera.

The end. Over the credits, we play a clip of Arnold in the pride of the Yankees remake in which he hits a homer and rounds the bases, making an Arnold quip to his opponent at each base. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. The movie they've never got made.

Wow. That was something. Do it again? I can't. Yeah. Now we have the bonus material. At the time, I remember even as we were doing this thinking, how would they technically pull this off?

But now, I think about all the movies, Lego movie, and how far CGI has come, you've worked on movies like with Adamson and like, don't mess with the zone hand. Where I know the script had things like, you know, John Chatturro tunneling through the earth. And then you see it and it's hilarious and it works. But if you looked at it in 1991, you might wonder how you'd do that.

I guess we thought all of these things were physically doable with some kind of technology. What do you think we thought was available? We thought Arnold could really do them all. We were so impressed with him. We just thought he could do all of this stuff. He told us he could join. That is what really happened.

He told us, yeah, yeah, I'll convert them to a play and whatever you want. And it's Arnold, here's the script. I'm the last action hero bomb. Let me ask you all my hands. A question. Did any official person read the script? Like the spare amount, did we get,

what was our feedback? I think it was dead on arrival because of Arnold, but I think they hated it. I mean, I feel like Barry, one of the executives was like, this is ridiculous. I think. Really, you think it's ridiculous?

I'll ask him, because I know I'm just kidding. You do? Yeah, you do. He's not gonna remember. No him, because I know I'm just a state. You do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not gonna remember. No one remembers. Oh, this is really weird. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, cook and I don't know if the movie was out till 92 early maybe added that we must have yeah yeah to try and get Lauren excited but I wrote a western with Bob owner Kirk called Tucson and it made the people mad that read it

they're just angry really yeah it was it is out there is this for sure I think I didn't have the same experience Bob I think the worst thing can happen is just for people to read it and be bored yeah I think they have the same experience as Bob. I think the worst thing can happen is just for people to read it and be bored. Yeah. I think the greatest triumph is to have a studio read, read your script and really love it. I think the second greatest triumph is for them to read it and really hate it. Yeah. Because that means you've done something. It was, it was hysterical. I mean, love is was the sheriff. And I was the guy from Ireland

who had only read about the West and was super excited. I come to the town and love it. This is up there pleading for his life when he ran for mayor or whatever. And there's big signs next to him. If I don't clean up the town, you can hang me. So he's on the news and I come to the rescue. So I was in Lincoln and was on a train with a high pitch boy. It was really funny, super funny. I'm sure and they hated it.

What studio? One guy, I don't know, super funny. I'm sure, and they hated it. What studio? One guy, I don't know, probably Columbia, everything went there those days. I wrote with Odin Kirk too. I wrote a Dabaris movie with Odin Kirk. Dabaris. Bad Berks and it was similarly ridiculous and ended with like, you know, the bear is entering the Indianapolis 500 with a bus and did good driving it and all this idiocy. And they were so supportive.

It was through Lauren and Paramount. And this executive was like, oh, I want to read it. Please let me read it in Bob and I. It was like 160 pages. Let us cut it down. We haven't I can't wait. I just have to read it. And we're like fine.

And we gave her the script and we never spoke. She never spoke. That's the first one. Not really. That's the first one. gave her the script and we never spoke. She never spoke to her. Yeah. Not really. That's the first one. That's the thing. They hate it. They love it.

Or they'll never speak to you again. I'm going to read it. We can't. I literally never spoke to the woman again in my life. And she was like, really close and nurturing and supportive. But they were aware. They're going to read it. Robert and I went through a version of this when we did a TV

panel look well with Adam West. And we were just so excited about it. And we shot it and we got pretty much, we got to make it. We got to make it. And we got to make it the way we wanted to make it. And we were really happy with it. And we sent it to, I'll never forget,

we were in the legendary Bernie Burlestein's offices. And what happened was we were ready to, we were pretty sure it was going to become a series. I just remember being I was very certain you were I was really sure that and I was very excited because I was young and naive and this would be you know around this same time as the Hans and Franz movie. But I remember Bernie Brilstein was telling us this thing's going to be it's going to

be great. And just then they said, oh, Bernie, it's NBC on the line for you. And he picked up the phone in front of us. Yes, yes. And what's this? Because they had just had the screen. He was like, what's this stuff?

And so we're excited. And I'll never forget Bernie was wearing all black. And he picks up the phone. He picks up the phone and he's just like, so what's the good word? And then he goes, like, well, fuck you. Hey, it's hilarious. What do fuck you. I think it's hilarious.

What do you mean you screamed it after lunch? No one wants to laugh after lunch. And immediately I saw my future dissolve. I'll never forget that phone call either because Bernie also, he obviously represented Lauren and the other pilot that Lauren's company had going, which was not a brilstein co-production because Jack Candy wasn't represented by brilstein, but you were. So that's why it not a brilstein co-production because Jack candy wasn't represented

by brilstein, but you were. So that's why it was a brilstein production. Look, well, it was a tuna cisc ficat pilot, which seems like they'll never make that, right? Because it's like Jack candy, but is brilliant as he was. Like now we're going to put him in primetime. And Rick Luddwin, over the phone, Rick Luddwin's telling Bernie, yeah, I think we, I think tuna cisc is still alive and we're gonna, you're gonna fucking take the Adam Westing,

Adam is so fucking funny in it. You're gonna kill that one, you're gonna put the cat thing on the end, it's gonna be a fucking bomb. It's gonna fucking tank. And he's Lauren's man. He's Lauren's manager. He should be saying great. Yeah, okay, some good man. He's Lawrence manager. He should be saying great. Yeah, okay.

Some good news. And no exaggeration. The first time I was with Brad Gray in the office and Bernie's office on the other side, Brad Gross, Brad Biggs, you want to go say a little Bernie? So we went over to Bernie's door and just like you were all I heard was what you got you. You'll call your mother fuckers. God damn it. He was like, maybe we'll come back later. He had a giant. He had a white beard and white hair

Big guy and he was iconic. I can't just the greatest. Yeah, just an amazing. Yeah, amazing person incredibly charming We should absolutely know what I love yeah, Bernie had been behind Hans and Franz this movie if he had somehow He could have made it happen. He could have with sheer by just yelling, by yelling. You get a lot of shit made. I got his first focus. This is folklore or true, but that Lauren maybe was, or SNL maybe wasn't going to get a pick up for 86 and it was Bernie who went to the head of NBC. You got to give the man his dignity. You can't

do it like this. I don't know if that's folklore Did you ever listen to his audible book about his life? What did I do? Where did I go wrong? All right. Yeah, that's really it's I when I was over man I was sad and my car was listed to cassette tapes. Yeah, I still haven't at home But it was it was really good. I liked it. I mean He was behind the scenes stuff great story talking about living next door to who's the head of Disney for a long time. Mickey Mouse. Yeah. He lived next door to Mickey Mouse. Katzember. No, no, no, he was. Heizner. Heizner. Yeah. He said, he, one of his wives, his

ex-wife, she was in a big argument with her and yelling and stuff out in a driveway. And, uh, he's not a came out and goes, what's going on? What are you doing? He goes, you marry her, you marry her. All right. All right, we got off track here again. Yeah. A little memory lane. Listen, whatever, there's little audio trims here and there.

Yeah, you look at your team like a dog on the set looks to his trainer. Yeah, I'm looking over there. What I see, I see 12 angry men. No, they're hangar, all right. We don't want to convict them in, unless we got evidence to end, we got it. Henry Fonda, what we did, Jack Lillain,

we could certainly do Henry Fonda. Well, this was a lot of fun. I have to say, I was really looking forward to this, and this did not disappoint. I forgot pretty much all of this I did too, but I remembered it being a really fun experience. I remembered that being a really great time in my life All of us working on that and so the chance to to Bring it back to life even in this form was really enjoy it was great

And every time I go to New York and I go buy that cable car. It it the fat and island? Roosevelt. Roosevelt. I think that's going to little austria. That cable car is going to little austria. Oh, that wasn't in the script that we read, but it was in there, right? Yeah. It was in there. Yeah, that's how you get to little austria. You get off the subway. Yeah. And then you can transfer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that was even today, when I do stand up, if I'm heckled. That's always a good go to. There's someone heckles you. Yeah, I look at you. That was this little girl in mine.

You think, you know, just go to that. That's the only way I do it anymore. How about you, Kev? Do you do it? I don't do it. I don't do it. I move on. I do it.

I'm just curious what I do. I can't picture him. Yeah. No, I don't live in a house like that, man. I got too much ahead of me. Well, when we've done corporate gigs in the past. This is probably the 90s. We would they dress this up and we go out and do Hanzo fronts and But yeah, it's sad sometimes a similar bring it up and I go, oh you mean Hanzo from some of the 1900s

I got you man like you mean from like 30 years ago? Is that right? We're gonna have to do something wrong with that. Yeah nothing wrong with that. You know, you're listening, I mean, you listen good. Come on. Yeah, I mean, now, but the, you know, now, I know what I said before, but I've changed my mind. I've gone back to hundreds of thoughts. I wonder if Kubrick ever thought that, well, 2001, next set is like from 25 years ago, you know,

what I do. Not that we're 2001, but you know what I mean? No, you just compared yourself to Kubrick. Yes, my favorite. Well, this has been fun, guys. I'm gonna wrap this up. I hope you guys enjoyed doing this much as I did.

I love you guys. I love you guys. I love you guys. I love you. Damn it. So Robert, do you have my eye? I know people listen to this, they're thinking, why don't they make a movie?

But I mean, we look the same. Arnalke looks older. Yeah. But I mean, why not? We pitched it as an animated movie. Not sure the guy that won't even mention Hans and Franz and a corporate gig. No, I said I wouldn't do them. You wouldn't put that.

I have. You'll make the movie. I'll talk about that. All right, well, I think we open this to social media and ask for donations. That nothing will make people angry or... Hey, say Kickstarter as Arnold. Yeah. what?

Kickstarter. It's a perfect work. Just get the going. Come on, let's do this. Kickstarter. Then we make a remake of the all-time smash hit holiday, holiday classic Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. Thanks. Everyone get down. All right, guys. I hope you enjoyed this. If you enjoyed this 8% as much as we enjoyed doing it, then we failed. Fail miserably. Fail, do. All right, peace out.

Tupac. I'll feed you the same. I'll feed you the same. Thank you. Tupac. The Lost Hans and Franz movie written and performed by Dana Carvey, Kevin Neeland, Robert Smigel, and Conan O'Brien.

Additional voice work by Matt Goyle, Sonom of Cessian, David Hopping, and Matt Powers. Produced and edited by Maine, Matt Goyle, directed by Matt Powers, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering by Eduardo Perez and talent booking by Paula Davis and Gina Batista. Subscribe to Conan O'Brien, needs a friend on Apple podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downwind. or doubt.