Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - The Mafia Puppy Doctor

Episode Date: March 10, 2022

Conan talks to Jonathan about being a small animal veterinarian and what kind of animal Conan would turn into if he had the chance. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hey! Hey there, Jonathan! I see my friends. Meet Conan, Sona!

Hi, how are you? Jonathan, how you doing? I'm doing very well. I'm doing very well. I can be better right now. Well, that's not true. You could be better. We could all be better.

We could all improve every day in every way. Jonathan, tell me about you. Where are you calling in from? I'm in Angleton, Texas right now. You're in Texas, okay. Is that where you were? Is that where you were born? Where were you born?

I was born in Puerto Rico, San Juan, Puerto Rico. Oh, San Juan, beautiful. Yes, man. Love it there. It's gorgeous, and you're talking to us. And I'm just curious what your profession is. What do you do for a living? I'm a small animal veterinarian. Aw.

Whoa. Yeah, yeah. Well, wait a minute. I thought there was just you were a veterinarian or not a veterinarian. I didn't realize that there were veterinarians that only specialized in small animals. I mean, do you work on,

does someone ever bring in an insect and say? That's a tiny animal, actually. Oh, okay, that's different. Are there, but so someone's, is someone coming into you and saying, this fetal gerbil has a cold? Anything like that? Is that how small you go?

Or what is your, what are you mostly dealing with in your job as a small animal veterinarian? So dogs and cats, but like 99% puppies. Oh, that's adorable. That's adorable. All the time. Puppies. Puppies, just like that.

That's how I feel all day. Wait, so your job is literally people bringing you puppies left and right, that must be, is it joyous or does it not what we think it is? Do you know what I mean? There's an old saying that even the ice cream taster at Ben and Jerry's some days is like, ah, I gotta go to friggin' work today

and taste some ice cream. That no matter what you do for a living, it can get to you. Is this something that happens to you? It happens once in a while. There's always the parts that are not great, but most of the time that you can't be angry or mad, man. There's just puppies all around you. Well, but still occasionally there's,

isn't there that occasionally that puppy that's just a prick, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man. I hear it in the background. They don't make eye contact. They don't, they're kind of like, I don't like this guy. Yeah, yeah. Are you guys hiring by any chance?

Can I just come in? All the time. Yeah, man, you can be the official hugger. Okay. Yes, I'm sorry Conan. No, it's, hey, Jonathan, trust me, I'm sorry for you. Because she's all yours and welcome to some stunning unprofessionalism.

But so anyway, so okay, you work on puppies. Now I would think the advantage of working on puppies is A, they're super cute, right? B, what's wrong with a puppy? A puppy's in its, you know, it's firing on all cylinders. You're not looking at old dogs who have a million problems, you're looking at puppies. That's gotta be the best.

That's a good point. Medically, there's no problems, but they're the ones pooping in the house and peeing and biting everything. And so there's always something to fix. Well, first of all, you just described things that I do regularly in the house. Mmm.

Good for you. Yeah. I'm pooping everywhere, I'm pooping everywhere and I'm biting. But no, but what you're describing, Jonathan, those aren't things that a vet deals with. Those are more issues that a trainer would deal with. But who takes their puppy to the vet

and says he's not house trained? That's all they ask. That's the first thing they ask. He's peeing all over, what do I do? It's like, well, he's not sick, you just need to train him. Yeah, train him. Yeah. So, you know, basically there's always something to solve.

But yeah, medically, there's no real big issues. Do you ever do this? Do they ever come in and say, the puppy's peeing everywhere I don't know what to do? And you say, train him. That'll be $350. Yeah, $600 is more like it. Oh, no.

Nice. $600, now I've trained you not to ask dumb questions. Jonathan, I want to come work for you too. Sure. This sounds amazing. Take him outside once in a while. That'll be $600. Now get the fuck out of here.

That'll be real, man. And it's cash. Only cash. No, nothing else. Only cash. It's so shady. Really? Yeah, man.

You know what I'd love to do? You know what I always wish I had done all these years of working in what I thought was pretty big time show business, hosting a major talk show. I wish I had always said, yeah, cash. I work in cash. Someone from the network always had to like bring me cash in a bag, in a brown paper bag before the show that day.

And then I counted it out and went, all right, I'll talk to Patty Lepone. Why are you only taking cash, though? Is that are you some kind of black market vet, or do you heal mafia dogs like when they've been trained and things like that? Yeah, you know what you do? Are these puppies in the puppy relocation program?

And they want to keep things on the down low? I may have done that, I'm not sure. Hey, I do have a question that I really have, this is a serious question, which is you're a vet, right? But let's say you were with me, Jonathan, and we were, I don't know, taking a nice walk together, maybe in the hills outside in Texas where you live. And we were walking and taking a hike.

I would definitely take a hike. Anyway, even if I saw hills. I don't care. OK, forget I said hills. You and I are taking a nice brisk hike together, Jonathan. And I'm going somewhere with this. And then I have a medical issue. I grab my chest, I fall down, and I'm like, help me, Jonathan,

help me. As a small animal vet, is there much you can do for me? Is there stuff that carries over? Meaning if you know CPR for a puppy, does it still work for me? Yeah, believe it or not, it's very similar. You're a little bigger than a puppy, so I might need to use more force,

or be a little more aggressive. But the basic anatomy between me and a puppy is kind of similar. What? Well, I've been told that. I've been told that. The brain, certainly. All right, watch it.

Depending on how basic. You have to be very, very basic. But yeah, there's a lot of similarity. A lot of the medication is the same. I could probably bring you back. Yeah, I'm actually on, I go to a vet. I'm on puppy antidepressants. I find that to be much more effective, yeah.

And I've had people show me their own rashes and their own like, hey, man, since I'm here anyway, you're so good with my dog. Can I show you this? Yeah, that's what I would think. What? What? What are you doing?

Like, no. But Jonathan, if you had to, you could operate on me, right? And you'd get in there. Oh, no. Really? Come on. You could. Like, neuter you?

I don't know what kind of operation. I would neuter you. Yes, I would neuter you. Guys, my wife did that a long time ago. Better bang, come on you. La-ba-da-ba-da-ba-ha. La-ba-da-ba-da-woo. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

No. I got neutered. It was the day I got married. Listen. Yeah. Ridiculous. It's a cheat joke, but I loved every second of it. No, they were reattached later.

But she did the wrong. She didn't get the placement right. Anyway, the left's on the right and the right's on the left. Anyway, listen, Jonathan. I love how I just say, listen, because you were listening to me. So why did I say, listen? Because you were right there. You were right there listening.

You're making sure. I'm not thinking about your testicles being on the wrong side. Yeah. You are now. You're listening. You're still thinking about it. You're still thinking about how my right's on my left. And my left's on my right.

It's not. It looks still. It kind of still looks the same. They just face the wrong way. Listen, something veered to the left anyway. Like, does it veer? You've talked about that before. Yeah.

Guess what? Something veering to the left. Veers wildly to the left. Really, it just takes it wildly to the left. I mean, if you took a turn that sharp in a car, you would fail your driver's test. Anyway, I've got to get to it. Do you have any?

Do you have animals yourself? Yeah, I have a lot of animals. I have 11 animals total. Holy, Mac, were they all former patients? No, actually, I tried to avoid them being my patient. Yes. But it happens sometimes. I have two horses.

I have a mini horse. I have two goats. Wait, is a mini, excuse me, a technical question. Is a mini horse a pony? No, actually, I learned that recently. I wasn't a big, large animal person. And a pony is just like, uh-huh. Is a mini horse technically small enough

that you could treat it as a small animal vet? Oh, no. Not technically, still a horse. OK. Yeah, man. But good question. So it's not like you could confuse a mini horse with a puppy. That would never happen.

Correct, yeah. OK, what about a large puppy? But how about a really large puppy and a really mini, mini horse? Could they frolic as friends and mistake each other for the same species? Oh, my god. They could.

They could. So the backyard, you know, that my neighbor in the back plays with the neighbor's dog, plays with the horse, and they go back and forth on the fence. So I think they could frolic. My favorite thing, and my favorite thing is when animals that are different species become friends. I can watch videos like that, you know,

and there have been whole movies made about this. But when a horse becomes friends with a turtle, I'm in heaven, you know? When they form an alliance to solve a bank robbery, I'll watch that movie any day, you know? Yeah. I love it. Yeah, it's all over the cartoons.

It's great. He says it's for children, Conan, just in case you didn't catch that. Yeah, yeah, it's like a very innocent thing, you know? He says you're interested in things that children are interested in. That's very. I don't care.

You're like a puppy, then. You're more like a puppy. I am very like a puppy. I am very like a puppy. I've been neutered. We've established all the ways that I'm like a puppy. I mean, I'm easily I'm easily fooled. I need a lot of training that I never got.

And I blame my parents. Wow, so you have a mini horse, and you have horses, and you have, obviously, you have dogs, right? I have one dog. And two goats. Oh. Goats, yes, goats. What do you have goats for?

Does a goat emotionally give back anything? Well, it's weird. Long story short, I did a project in undergrad with that breed of goat, and I won it one. And I just got it. This reminded me of my project, and I wanted a goat, and I have it back there now. I'm noticing behind you, you have a very impressive stone

wall. Like your house. It doesn't look like it matches the rest of the decor on your house. It looks very unique. What is that all? Well, how do you mean? Because on the other wall, there's a giant Claymore

sword and a bow. Oh, I didn't see the sword. Oh my god. I know, it just looks like a regular kind of ranch style home, right, that you'd see in Texas. But over your shoulder, I saw this stone wall that's incredibly impressive. And now I see that, yes, you have a conan, the barbarian

broadsword in the background. What's with the medieval theme going on there? I've always loved medieval stuff, and anything with the medieval ages is just super cool for me. So ever since little video games, whatever, movies. I don't know if you remember the movie Willow? Yeah, that's like crazy stuff, man.

I didn't see it. I thought it was about the flower, and so I didn't see it. Why is this something you have to watch at some point? It's hard to describe. Well, you just did a pretty good job of describing it. I never saw the movie Willow, but I can tell by Goorley's expression. And also, just because I know Goorley,

that he's seen it like 35 times, and probably can recite the whole movie. Is that right, Goorley? Come on, yeah. You got Val Kilmer playing Mad Martin again. You got Elora Dann, and you got Doug Warwick Davis, who played Wicked the Ewok in Return of the Jedi. I mean, it's got it all.

Oh my god, wow, he's the worst. Mad. Let it roll, come on, baby. He did so well. Here we go. Double nickels. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Well, OK. So that's where it came from, you know?

OK. I was, you know, it's just a cool movie with swords and shit. Yeah, there's that distinction. I understand that you love medieval stuff, but not many people build a medieval stone wall as a wall of their home. How did you get that done? Who provides that service?

I did it myself. Oh, cool. I built it. Oh. You built that medieval? I did my stones behind me, too. Look at this. Oh, I see that.

Yeah, pretty cool. You did a dry stack veneer. Yeah. Oh, for God's sake. Yeah. And I did, but there's a lot of me. Individually, each one you have to put in, so it was. No, I mean, I have to say, Jonathan, yours looks really cool

and medieval, and Gorley's looks like he's living in a steakhouse, like a sort of upscale steakhouse. He's got that. I just want to say that's the nicest thing you ever did. Yeah, it is. It's very nice. It's just got that kind of look to it. I think I'll have the prime rib and grilled broccoli,

and I want one of those potatoes that has everything on it. So you love the medieval ages. You love, and you said everything about it, which includes lack of adequate health care, a life expectancy that ends around 27 years old, horrible diseases. Yeah, nobody has it. Everyone's gums are just shooting pus out of them.

But you still have all those animals. Yeah. And there's a lot of sick animals that you can work on and just charge cash. But you'd have to bleed them and leech them and cut them. That's true. You know what nobody thought was cute in medieval times? A Renaissance fair.

They just weren't as popular. People would be like. It's called fairs back then. People would say, no, no, no, it's a Renaissance fair. Isn't this funny and ironic? And people would go, no, not really. And they'd be like, look, I've got a giant turkey leg. Those two are charging at each other with lances.

Uh-huh. Oh, look. We're all having ale. Uh-huh. Isn't this ironic? No, it really isn't. It didn't become ironic for a long time. I think I'm really on to something here.

Are you? It's a funny idea. Well, I think it's a funny sketch, an ironic Renaissance fair that hipsters go to, but it's during the Renaissance. Right. Yeah. During the medieval times, I think that's a hilarious idea.

And I'm writing it down. And I'm sending it to Saturday Night Live. And I'm saying. Do that. And then there's a follow-up sketch that takes place during the Restoration Era where it really lands. It's just the first time.

Oh, it's the first time people are like, finally I get what you're talking about, Keith. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Keith. Uh-huh. Well, Jonathan, we've learned much from you.

You've told us that pretty much my anatomy is so similar to a puppy's that though you are a small animal vet, you could still perform a very complicated surgery on me if you had to, if I collapsed on a hike that we were taking together. We've also learned that you have goats for really no apparent reason and that you've built a medieval wall in your home

yourself because you're a big fan of the movie Willow with Val Kilmer. We know about you now. And trust me, I've heard your story a thousand times. Do you have a question for me? Is there any way I can be of service to you, Jonathan? Yes, I do. If you could turn into an animal,

what animal would you be and why? This is like Willow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you see the connection there. Awesome. Perfect. I didn't.

Again, still I'm ignorant of the plot of Willow, so I don't know. And I know this shocks you, girly, but I don't know what it has to do. But now I know, I guess, has something to do with humans trying to. Well, it's kind of like Lady Hocker crawl. So.

Wow. I am as. I am as I am as I am as lost as I've ever been. Oh, sure. OK. Anyway, what animal would I want to turn into? Well, definitely not one that can jump in the sea. I always think that's whenever someone like Aquaman

or there's some creature that's that or some person that says, yeah, but I can jump in the ocean and turn into a fish. I think, yeah, but you're so restricted in your movements, right? You have to wait for a crime to be committed underwater. And that just doesn't happen too often. You know, you're you're basically people are trying to ask you, can you can you get under there and get the barnacles off my boat?

I don't want to dry dock it. So I'm going to say I want it to be. Oh, OK. I'd like to be a grizzly. I'm fascinated by bears. I would love to be able to turn into a grizzly bear at Will. And I'd like to be able to stand up on two legs and rub my back against a giant redwood tree.

You should do that now. Would you would you wear a diaper? Would you wear a diaper? Like, would you put on a diaper and kind of go like that? Oh, no, you know, from music. And now you can also do some classical music. And would you do that a lot? With that classical theme, the flight of the bumblebees.

Right. OK. Yes, I get it. No, I do not want to be the masturbating bear. And by the way, you're talking about something I can do now. I yes, I can scratch my back now. But when you're a grizzly and you rub your back against a giant tree, people see a tree shaking 15 miles away. And they know somewhere a grizzly is satisfying himself. Is it a sexual thing or is it just he's got an itch he can't reach?

No, it's an itch on the back. But also sometimes trees mount sometimes grizzly bears mount a tree from the front and that's sexual. Oh, and then and then people see the tree shaking and they know, OK, it's it has a slightly different shape. I'd like to be. No, I'd like to be a grizzly because I admire their speed, their strength, their beauty.

I'd also like to occasionally just lose it on a camper. Because they they yeah, they forgot to tie their slim gym and hoisted up into a tree before they went to their tent. Yeah, I'd love to do that. Is just rip open the tent and go, like I'm doing a practical joke. Yeah, that's great.

That's another thing you could technically. You know what? You're right. Just show up at a tent. Everything so far we've talked about are things I do now. I scratch my back on trees. I also occasionally scratch the front on a tree. So I love that's how you got that left turn. I love I learned my lesson.

Don't screw around with cedars. Cedars are tricky trees. And then, yeah, I would like to. And I can. And as I think now, I think what if the report went up to the Pacific Northwest that a Conan O'Brien has been attacking and molesting campers? And we have to put it. We have to put it down and they're looking for me

and every now and then they see a tree in the distance shaking and they're like and they see a little bit of red pompadour and they're like, go get it. Wow. OK, Jonathan, you've been a delightful guest. And please give the puppies my best. And I know they're fans. And seriously, thank you. Thank you so much for calling in.

You seem like a very funny guy. And I love that you're. It sounds like you're you're doing good work. So carry, carry on, carry on. Appreciate it. Thanks for talking to me. Well, of course. Yeah, it was an absolute delight. OK, you take care, Jonathan. Bye, Jonathan. Bye, Jonathan.

Thank you. Bye, guys. See you later. Great. Bye. It was nice meeting you. Nice to meet you. Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Salateroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco

and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vivino. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair, associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples, associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm, engineered by Will Beckton. Please rate, review and subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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