Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - The Motorcycle Diaries

Episode Date: August 18, 2022

Conan chats with Jake in Tbilisi, Georgia about his adventures riding his motorcycle around the world. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hey, Jake, meet Conan and Sona. Hey, Conan. Hey, Matt. Hey, Sona.

How's it going? Good. How are you? Terrific, Jake. Is it Jake? Is that what you said? Yeah, Jake. Okay, Jake, I just got to get some facts here before we begin.

Where from? Which part of the country? Where are you? Hail from? I'm from Seattle. Ah, Seattle. I know Seattle well. My wife is from Seattle, and I was married in Seattle.

And so I feel like... And you have a trash can named after you in Whidbey Island. Yes, I do. That's absolutely true. I visited Whidbey Island recently, and they didn't know I was coming. I was there to see a production of a play that my wife wrote, and they surprised me by saying we're going to dedicate this trash can in your honor. And they had me...

I signed it, and I'm very honored. It's a thrill. And I think this is a sign that things are only getting better for me. Jake, are you calling... Are you talking to us from Seattle right now? No, I'm in Tbilisi, Georgia. Oh. You're in Tbilisi, Georgia, as in former Soviet Union, Georgia.

That's right, and just a stone's throw from Armenia. Hey. Wow. Oh. Neighboring countries. Barev, Inch Pasek. That's sorry. They don't speak Armenian.

Well, I'm just saying I do, and I'm fluent. Not, you know, like two words. Okay. Barev. Anyway, Inch Pasek. Okay. Jake, that's very exciting. I know a little fun fact about Tbilisi.

The dictator, Joseph Stalin, was a seminary student in Tbilisi. That's kind of where he's from. And clearly, the seminary didn't take, so he decided to become one of the most ruthless murdering dictators in the history of mankind. So congratulations. That's a fun fact. You're in Tbilisi right now. Do they have, like, lots of Joseph Stalin slept here kind of artifacts?

I haven't seen any yet. Well, you know, hometown boy makes good, you know, he, I mean, I mean, that's one way to look at it. He's alone, and certainly, so who else are they going to have this, he's probably the biggest thing to come out of Tbilisi, however you, so, yeah, so I can see that. Wow. So that's very cool. Can I ask you, you're from Seattle, what are you doing in Tbilisi, Georgia?

I am riding my motorcycle around the world. So this is just where I happened to be at the moment. I don't travel with a computer. So when your producers told me that I had to have a computer for this, I found a guy, and I'm in his apartment right now. This is the greatest backdrop we could put together. So. What?

That's amazing. Look at that. Look at what's behind you. That's very cool. What? Wait, this is blowing my mind that you, right now, what time is it right now where you are in Tbilisi, Georgia? It is...

11 p.m. Okay. Well, it's got to be more like 10 after, probably. Sorry. 9.09. Yeah, there you go. Okay, I just... You should be in bed, Jake.

I'm sorry, I'm punctual about time. And if you're going to say 11, and it's 11.09, then I don't trust you about anything else you can tell me. You're a real Joseph Stalin. Yeah, sorry. Stalin-esque. Yeah, Stalin was always rounded up to the nearest hour. So I would ask you, Jake, this is really cool.

You're riding your motorcycle around the world? Is that what you're doing? Yeah, that's right. I was working for the last few years from home during COVID, as many of us were. I got burnt out, and I said, screw it, let's ride the bike around the world. That's amazing. People say that, but guess what, Jake? Nobody does it.

Yeah. Nobody. Not one person has done it except you. All of us on Zoom during COVID were saying, I mean, I said, screw it, I'm going to get in great shape, and once I can, I'm going to get on a unicycle, and I'm going to ride it around the Adirondacks. And I never did it. But look at you, you actually made good on this promise.

Good for you. Yeah, I mean, a lot of travel is actually doing the same or similar things, whether it's on a motorcycle. I've met someone walking around the world, a woman who was raising her child basically while they travel. What? On the couch. She was, she just is couchsurfing.

With a child? Yep. How old is the child? Her child is now seven years old, but she started when she was one year old. She showed me a picture, and she just has a big backpack with all the stuff, and the child and the carrier in front, and she said, let's just do this. And she made it happen. What?

I should do that. No, you shouldn't. No? Okay. Twins. That's a bad idea. Okay. Wow, that's intense.

I mean, that's really intense. And as, I mean, Matt and Sona both have newborns. Can you imagine either one of you traveling around the world, hitchhiking and couchsurfing with a child that young? That's insane. No, and I can't imagine what that would do to the people's houses we were staying at. That's what my real concern, what Glenn would do. Yeah.

He would hold and state pooper. Meaning because she travels, like a serial killer, she moves surreptitiously throughout the night, leaving a trail of destruction. Basically. Okay. Let's get back to Jake. I don't know. But thank you, Matt, for bringing it to poop, as you always do.

Thank you, Matt. Now, hey, Jake, I'm curious, first of all, what kind of bike do you have? I have actually what I would call a street bike with an identity crisis. It's really not the right bike for this trip. It's not an adventure bike or a dirt bike, but they say the best bike is the one you have. So I'm going with it. But specifically, what kind of bike?

What brand? It's a Suzuki V-Strom, and it has a name, Strom Bombadil. So if you've read Lord of the Rings, there's a character named Tom Bombadil. Tom Bombadil. And because the bike is a V-Strom, did some workshopping with some friends, and we ended up with Strom Bombadil. I highly approve of this. Was the first idea?

Yeah. That's what I would have gone with. I'd like to go with that. Well, I would have gone with Strom Thurman, just because Strom Cruise was another option. Strom Cruise. You know what? I like Strom Cruise because it's Cruise, which is also, yeah, Strom Cruise. I like that one.

But whatever one you went, I saw Gorley's eyes light up when you mentioned an obscure character from Lord of the Rings, and a weird foam came out of his ears. So you just made his day. I've never even read those books. I don't know what I'm going to get. I'm not sure. You lie. Because I wrote them.

Yeah, because he wrote them with his feet. Jake, that's really cool that you're doing this, and you're on this cool bike. How did you pick this bike? I mean, you picked, if you're driving around the world, I would think you'd probably want to be on something with really high suspension, or you'd want to be on something like one of those BMWs that is just going to never quit on you. So I don't know. How did you choose this bike?

Yeah, interesting question. I wanted to pick up the bike in Europe, so options are fairly limited. I found a guy who sold me the bike, and when I went to pick it up, he informed me that the bike would remain in his name, and I was merely leasing it. So I found myself around the world with a bike that I don't technically own. What? So every border crossing is a little interesting, but so far I've made it this far, and I intend to keep the bike, he's not getting it back.

Hey, I have a question. What? You're stealing it? Yeah, he thinks he's leasing you this bike. Tomato tomato. Does he, how many miles, how many miles have you put on the bike? At this point, I've gone 26,000 miles. And you're just not going to give this bike back to this guy?

Yeah, well, he's a jerk, so we can get his comeuppance. Well, I think what you're going to do is return it to him, but with like 75,000 miles on it, there's even large chunks of it missing. Yeah, could it be, he's an interesting guy. He did a lot of things. What do you mean he did a lot of things? What's going on here, Jake? We're not getting a full story.

When I came to pick up the bike, he had dropped it and dented it and broke in the mirror. He didn't install some of the things on it that he said he was going to install. He now tells me that I have to maintain insurance with him, even when I'm outside of the EU. So that's why getting into Turkey and beyond was actually kind of a milestone for me because I'm out of his jurisdiction. I now think that you're traveling all this distance just because you stole a motorcycle. You're on the run. And you're on the run.

You're clearly on the run. And also, you decide to contact us from the birthplace of one of the greatest criminals in the history of mankind, Joseph Stalin, a.k.a. Coba. We'll talk about that later. You're wearing a Guy Fawkes Anonymous mask. Yes. I don't even get to see your face. Exactly.

Well, you know, with all the gear in my helmet, nobody knows who I am, so I can get away with anything. What device is that that's latched to your collarbone? Is that a Tamagotchi? This keeps me alive. This is a satellite communicator, so if I ever need it, I can call SOS. Oh, okay. Does it also let your loved ones?

We'll get to whether you have loved ones or not in a moment. Is that so that your loved ones can keep track of you as well? So I do share my location with my mom, but I made a deal with her. I told her that she is allowed to know where I am, but if she ever sends me a message that says, like, hey, how's that restaurant you're eating at, then I'm cutting her off. But she can monitor it passively. What? Oh.

I'm pretty sure she has, like, a war room set up at home with a big monitor about where I am, and she's pushing little figurines. I get that. Were you inspired by Shea Guevara's famous motorcycle trip? Is that what inspired this trip? Yeah, but I see myself doing less murder, but yeah. Well, he wouldn't have called it murder. He would have said, I'm fighting for the revolution.

That's what he would have said. Boy, this is real communist revolutionary leadership heavy this episode. Well, because I'm... Are you a communist? Am I? Yeah. Remind me you're under oath. You're supposed to say, have you or have you ever known...

You know, I may be. I may be a communist. I may be. That's all I'm going to say. I go to a lot of parties with communists. I've gone to a lot of orgies with communists because... Well, orgies are very... When you think about it, it's a very socialist kind of experience, you know?

But it was just you, Khrushchev, and Gorbachev. Yeah, me. And one woman named Inga. Oh, come on. She just watched. She didn't... We were going at it hot and heavy. Listen, Jake, I did not...

I feel badly because Jake, first of all, is a real adventurer. He has traveled like 27,000 miles on what's clearly a stolen motorcycle. He's calling us from Georgia to Blesi, Georgia. And I'm just excited to talk to you. I think what you're doing is fascinating and cool. I don't know if I... I don't know if I could do this. I think I'd be very worried all the time that I wouldn't have the correct papers.

I mean, how hard are these border crossings? Have you been questioned a lot? Yeah, I do get questioned mostly because my documents are not exactly in order. In fact, the Georgian border, they were quite strict. I think I almost didn't make it in. But to your point, I think anybody can do this. The thing is, you just got to set out as long as you're willing to be spontaneous, not stick to an agenda and just say yes and two things.

You don't need to have packed a particular list of items. You just go. You can buy things. You can sell things. You can figure it out. You can find a guy who has a computer. Take a call in his apartment. Is that guy around?

Is he alive? No. His dad's in the room next door. Yeah, I don't believe you. I think if you could pan out slightly, you'd see blood all over the walls. That's what the blankets here are for. Yeah, the sign that just says, welcome to Seattle. We look out the window and we see these Seattle Space Needle.

You haven't gone anywhere. You lie. Wow, this is, I'm very impressed with this lifestyle. You're on your bike and how do you eat? Do you, when do you know how to stop and find shelter? How do you go to the bathroom? Those are your questions I have. For food, basically, there's usually a place you can get food.

So I just carry one meal on me, kind of an emergency. Like if I wasn't able to find dinner on a particular day, I'll go make that myself. But there's always a vendor going around, hawking something or a place you can eat. As far as where to spend the night, I carry a tent with me. So I can kind of just stop wherever. I'll try to find maybe a hostel or a guest house, but if I just want a camp, I can do that. Have you ever felt threatened, like you set up your tents someplace and then you heard

a noise out there in the night and you felt unsafe? Only from dogs. People have been really wonderful. Dogs are basically my one fear on this trip, primarily when riding. But like, for example, the other day I was in southern Turkey, southeast Turkey, so what some people would refer to as Kurdistan, and I stopped to ask some people if I could just sleep in their field, and before I even put the kickstand down or said anything, this Kurdish family, this guy Beckins says, come join me.

And I had lunch with them, some amazing chicken. We talked for hours, abusing, Google translate, and then they sent me off to go sleep in their field, and that evening they brought me dinner, and the next morning he brought me tea. It was awesome, so no, people really have been nothing but kind. That's really nice. That's a wonderful story. It feels like you're almost an ambassador. How do people feel about Americans right now when you encounter them?

Are they well-disposed towards us? Yeah, I've met nothing but kindness. I think when you actually meet people, everybody loves everybody, several times when I've been using Google translate, the question of religion has come up, and usually I'm in Islamic countries, and I am a little nervous about just saying, you know, I'm not religious. And then actually like four times now, the answer people have given me back is like, it doesn't matter as long as we love each other. So I think the divisions and the fear mongering that we hear is really political.

Yes, I agree with that. Just as a tip, here's what I do, Jake. If I'm in a foreign land and people say, what religion are you, I usually say, I don't know, which one do you like? And then I just, yes, and whatever religion they said, and then just kind of fake it, you know? That way, I feel like I'm always a step ahead, and there's no danger that I'll fall victim to any kind of dislike.

What if they ask you to pray with them? I'll say, sure, why don't you start, and I'll join. See, it's very easy to do this. And then they say, we'll tell us, which is your favorite aspect of our religion, and I'll say, well, you tell me yours, and I'll tell you if I agree. I've gotten, I mean, this has taken me really far, this strategy in my life. What if you've accidentally converted to like Buddhism? I have.

I've pretty much, I'm a sworn member of every religion in the world because I use this technique. That's so cool. Now, what is your plan? Are you ever going to return, Jake? Will we ever see you in the United States again? Good question. So my plan this year is to make it to Kyrgyzstan before the winter stops me and then park the bike there, and unfortunately, yeah, go get a job again, basically earn some money and

accrue some more vacation time until I can pick this back up next year. So the idea was originally that I might circumnavigate the world in a year and a half, but I kind of decided that I didn't want to rush it. I found myself going a little too fast, so I decided to see places more deeply. And I figure that over the coming years of my life, whenever I get a chance, I'll sort of inch the bike forward till eventually I have made it around the world. So you've committed to the motorcycle. Oh yeah, definitely.

That's your favorite motorcycle. The same one? The same one, or are you going to, I mean, eventually the police are going to catch up with you. You may have to steal another kind of bike. Yeah. I think I'll steal a dirt bike. I'm curious, because I really admire what you're doing, and I'm going to say I'm a

little envious. I like to get out there. Would you ever consider, Jake, getting a sidecar, and I would ride along with you? And of course, I would chip in. I think I have some resources, so I would help fund the trip. But would you be comfortable riding with me in a sidecar? I actually do own a sidecar, so the brand is Ural, like the mountain, it's from Russia, and its name is Ural Shark Turn, and when I go, I have a Cookie Monster helmet, and I

force my passengers to wear the Elmo helmet. So if you're up for that. You're not going to force me to do anything. I have an Elmo helmet, so I'm way ahead of you on that. And I wear it with a motorcycle jacket that has red fur. You know, I want to do this. I want to ride in a sidecar with you. Do you think you could?

I don't know. Well, I'm going to have a specially built sidecar. It's going to be very heavy, much heavier than the bike, probably throw you very, very difficult for you to ride, because my sidecar is rather large. It sleeps three. It sounds like an actual car. It has. You're just going to throw that on?

Yeah. Maybe it was formerly a car. It was formerly a Buick Le Sabre. And I'm going to, it has all kinds of amenities. It's got a soda fountain. It's got a flat screen television. But I want to be, I want to drive along, really rough it next to you, in my self-enclosed sidecar that's really a remodeled Buick Le Sabre.

Sound interesting? I've got Armenia right here. Let's go. You know what? Number two. Sona and I have been to Armenia. We have street cred there. And it's time for us to return, and what better way than this?

Yeah. Yeah. And that's actually the question I wanted to ask you, is as I'll next be going to Armenia, what tips would you have for someone riding a bike through Armenia? I got this. Nice. Well, number one, work up a real good appetite for dried pressed fruit, pomegranate apricot. Interesting.

And other flavors? Well, forget it, pomegranate and apricot. I hope you like that. It's a whole nation devoted to fruit roll-ups. They love them. They absolutely love them. I mean, there's more to us than that, Jake. Fruit roll-ups.

It's more, we're more than fruit roll-ups. Most of the people we met there were dressed in fruit roll-ups. People were wearing ponchos made of pressed dried pomegranate, with large sashes made of pressed dried apricot. Yeah. If you haven't already, try to hitch a ride in an old Soviet car, and then you'll see your life flash before your eyes. I mean, I'm sure you've had a lot of near-death experiences, but riding in like a lot with

an Armenian who just doesn't care about road laws is, what is, it's life-affirming. Also, what's the dish that we saw them make, Sona, that was actually very delicious? The food was very good. I'm kidding. It is. Yeah. They made a bread. Lavash.

Lavash, yeah. Yeah. Sona, try it again. Lavash. Lavash. Lavash. You're getting it. Okay.

I'm saying it right. Love them. You know, like two words. Lavash. No, please. Anyway, gravy, gravy. Gravy is not a word. That's not a word.

Brozy. Brozy gravy. I'm going gravy, gravy, brozy and stuff. Don't do that. I do everything opposite of what Conan is telling you. Just, if only I was with you. Strobee. I do.

Do go around in a Cookie Monster helmet going gravy, gravy, strozy, strozy and brozy. Yeah. And just see what happens. See how long it takes before you're ridden out of town on a rail. Yeah. Well, Jake, so yeah, I definitely try and get some of that Lavash and make sure that you ride in a Soviet era car. And I really liked, honestly, we got up into sort of the rural areas up around Yerevan.

And Sona and I actually herded, didn't we herd sheep at one point? We herded sheep. You did. You know, I can see that. I just watched this last night for the first time. I watched your Armenian special. You guys were amazing. Yeah.

No, it was a lovely trip. I think it's so cool. I love, I'm just fascinated with the idea of, of us hooking up with Jake at some point. So I got to figure out how to make that happen. Jake, I admire, I really do. I really admire what you're doing. I think it's very cool. I hope you stay safe.

Stay safe. All right. I don't want to be hearing that you're in any kind of trouble down the line. But if you do get into trouble, my, your mother and I are coming to rescue you. We're going to rescue you in the most embarrassing way possible. Hey, Jake. Yeah. It's very cool talking to you and be well.

And it blows my mind that you reached out to us from Tbilisi, Georgia. I just love it. Yeah. Thank you so much. And really, if you ever want to take that ride, I'll give it to you. All right. Don't, you shouldn't say that because it's called be careful what you wish for. All right.

Take care, Jake. Bye. Thanks a lot. I'll see you next time. All right. All right. Thanks a lot. All right.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vavino.

Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineered by Will Bekton. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.