Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - The Naked Therapist

Episode Date: September 22, 2022

Conan chats with Violet in Kalamazoo, MI about working as a stripper, what Conan’s stage name would be, and what song he would dance to. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi Violet, meet Conan and Sona. And Matt. Oh my gosh, it's a pleasure to meet you guys. It feels like a fever dream.

Well, it may be a fever dream. I hope you're all right. Violet, very nice to meet you. Where are you right now, Violet? I am in my living room in Kalamazoo, Michigan. You're in Kalamazoo. There's an old song from the 40s. I got a gal from Kalamazoo, Zoo, Zoo, Zoo.

Anywho, sorry. I knew you were going to know that reference. Absolutely tracks. Do you know that song? Do you know the song Kalamazoo? Oh yes, yes. Yeah. It's a requirement of being a citizen here.

I would think so. Well, I've already blown it with you, Violet. Let's be honest. I don't only, not only do I have no game, I have negative game. Yeah. So I dug a hole before we even started. But Violet, it's very nice to meet you.

I like the art hanging up behind you. It looks like you've got very cool style. I'm checking out. Oh, you've got some very nice ink on your arm. Beautiful work. Thank you. That's really nice. I actually have your name on my butt.

No, I'm kidding. Whoa. No, she was the only kidding. I couldn't commit to it. I'm a bad liar. The moment I say it, I just panic and I'm like, you know. You'd be like, no, no, I didn't murder him. Okay, I did.

Yeah. Absolutely. So, Violet, tell us about yourself. Um, okay. Well, I'm a stripper. Oh, hello. Whoa. You mean, hello.

This is fantastic. Wow. What do you prefer? Is it stripper, exotic dancer? What do you like? You know, midnight ballerina, knee therapist. Whatever, you know. What was that?

It's nice. Yeah. What's after midnight ballerina? You listed another one. Oh, naked therapist. Oh, God. I love these. Yeah.

Fantastic. Wow. I need a naked therapist. I'll do it. I'm good. I'm good. All right. So Violet, this is really fascinating to me.

I don't know a lot about the profession of stripping, exotic dancing. Uh, how did you learn how to do that? Uh, you just kind of like learn on the go. You know, there's really, I mean, these days, there's a tutorial for everything, but when I started in 2015, you kind of just watched other girls and hope for the best,

you know, kind of wing it. Yeah. I, uh, I long time ago on the late night show, um, someone gave me a pole dancing lesson on the show and I was shocked at how difficult it is. It, it takes, uh, I mean, you have to really be in terrific shape to do that. And I'm always impressed the times that I've somehow stumbled

into a strip club. Um, you know, usually when I'm, no, when I'm doing charity work somewhere and then I fall through a door and it's, I think I'm going into the closet where the supplies are, they're going to help humanity. And then I, oh, what a strip club. Well, it would be rude to leave immediately. But when I'm there, I'm always impressed with the athleticism

of, of the women. Do you work on a pole because you have to like support your whole body weight. It seems like it's very difficult. Yeah. Well, you know, it's funny when I was a kid, they bailed me out of gymnastics because I was terrified of doing a handstand.

Wouldn't do it. So they wouldn't let me pass. Um, and then now every time I'm upside down on a pole, I think take that gymnastics. Yes. Yes. Um, Yeah.

If only they, if only they had played pour some sugar on me at the gym. You probably would have been able to pull it off. It's all about the music. It just would have clicked in my like five year old brain. I would have been like, this feels right. Let me at what's, what kind of music do you like to dance to? Do you have a favorite song?

Um, yeah. So it's just like any music that's depressing, that you, um, Wow. Yeah. I have to fight with, um, the corporation all the time because they weren't really like pop songs uplifting. And I'm just like, I want men to cry dollar bills on this.

Oh. Yes. So like fake plastic trees by, you know, that would be a good one by Radiohead, you know, something, something, uh, sad. How about, yeah, like, well, the scientist by, by Coldplay, you know, Turn on your heartlight diamond.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's Sarah McLaughlin song. That's all about the dying puppies. Yes. Yes. That's what I want people to think of.

You know, dying puppies at my stage. So, uh, okay. I have many questions. This is, uh, I'm, I'm, I'm very happy about this interview because I'm learning a lot. What, what is the usual clientele? Um, what, what, what kind of guys do you mostly see at the strip club? Yeah.

Um, so for me, my sweet spot is between the age of 30 and 60. Um, I'm in there. I'm in there. Um, kind of introspective. You know, they're like, I don't even know what I'm doing. Yes. Yes.

Man, I am. I swear to God, you were describing me to AT. Yeah. What else? Yeah. Tall, redheaded. Yeah. You know, just like 90% legs, 10% hair, you know.

Yeah. This is every woman's dream you're describing. Uh, incredible. No, but seriously, so that's, you get a lot of, and, and what's the thing that guys are saying in strip clubs that they don't realize every guy says they think they're the only one saying it. Oh God, you know, there's so much every night. It's like I have a bingo sheet and I just check off things, you know.

Um, oh, you're just like, you're too smart to work here. You're too nice to work here. Um, do your parents know you did, you do this, you know, um, that sort of thing. Um, do you have a boyfriend? Can I take you out? What are you doing after the shift? And then I'm going to bed. Dude, just like six in the morning.

You know. Yeah. Well, that must be guys that ask out a stripper. That has to be, uh, I don't know. I did, I get, men get confused because they think, oh, this woman is dancing for me because she really, men are so stupid. They get confused about everything. If you just smile at them, they're like, oh, she wants it.

Yeah. So, you know, I can only imagine. I just tell them like, you don't know anything about me. I could be a serial killer. Like, you know, it's dangerous for you. You don't take me home now. It's true. I would murder.

Yeah. Huh? Yeah. It would be a great cover to just murder guys. Just to be a stripper. To be a stripper. And then they ask you out. You go into the middle of the night, you murder and then you walk away.

They don't know because they probably don't know. You know little Eileen Wernos? Yeah. I think if an attractive sexy woman was murdering me, I'd just say like, okay. This is just good. It is a king. I'd be like, go for it. I'd be like, this is as good a way to go as any.

Right. This could be worse. Yeah. This beats like bowel cancer down the line. I'll just take this. Yeah. I guess it does. Yeah.

If she put little razor blades in her long hair and was whipping it at me. My God. That's so specific. Yeah. You've thought of that before. Hey, we can make it happen. Violet, if you put razor blades in your hair and you started whipping your hair at me. I would write it.

You'd have to sign a disclosure first, you know. Please. I think Gourley's a lawyer. He can do it. Yeah. Let me write that up. We can make it happen. Good with razors.

So, wow. So, and did you mention you're married? Is that right? Yes. That's correct. Five years as of the 30th. How did you meet your husband? So, we've known each other since junior year of high school and then we kind of like just

moved apart, you know, dating different people and I actually reunited with him at the strip club. Uh-huh. His friend dragged him in because he got dumped, not my husband, but his friend and they had my husband be the sober person to drive everybody around. And I was in the lobby talking to the door girl and out of the corner of my eye, I'm like, wait, I went to high school with that guy, you know, and I always had a crush on him.

So, I was like, where's my stage? Yeah. And then I just like snapped him when he came to my stage because I love, I love, yeah, that was a surprise. Smacking all lean in like you're about to kiss them and then just, but you can only do it on the right guy. You have to fill it out. Sometimes they might get mad.

Oh, I see. So you're dancing and then you lean into them like you're going to kiss them and they lean up and then you trick them and you slap them. Yeah. Yeah. My wife did that on the altar when I got married. Oh, that's hot. Yeah. It wasn't hot at all.

She just realized what she was in for. She's very disappointed and angry. Yeah. But we got over it. We worked it out with therapy. Uh, wow. So that's so nice. You've been married a while now.

Yeah. And you said you're going to take courses. What kind of courses are you going to take? Um, so I am working towards my, uh, business degree and marketing. Yeah. That's great. You know, it's kind of, it's kind of boring. Honestly, like, um, you know, I went to art school, I had a full scholarship and then

I dropped out because I'm like, 90% of this is kind of bullshitting people. You know, like this is why my art is deep, you know. Yeah, exactly. And honestly, if you're going to make it, you don't have to go to art school. You don't have to go to art school to learn how to do that. You don't have to go to art school, you know. You don't have to do it. And I'm like, I need a backup.

I can't dance forever as much as I would love to, you know. So that's my backup. What's the most money you've made in one night? Conid. I'm just curious. Oh, you know what? I'm just curious. I forgot about it.

Is that inappropriate? I don't know. It doesn't need to be inappropriate to ask somebody how much money. I, I'm not going to do that. I'm on a good, what's that? Oh, go ahead. Yeah. and run with it.

They'll be like, oh, you make a million dollars for a night, so you don't need this tip, you know? Oh, I see. I wanna say it was in the couple thousand. That's amazing. Wow, that's great. Wow. Yeah.

I might get into that. You should. You know, it's great workout, you know, great socialization, you meet tons of people. Yeah, I recommend it. I'd probably be too old at this point. I'm a man, you don't think so? There's somebody out there for everybody.

We'll scratch somebody's itch for sure. Do you think you can't do it? You're too... I'm going to do it, yeah. No, I don't think you can. I'm very, I'm very free with my body and very open. Yeah, okay, yeah. Very not ashamed of anything.

Okay. Yeah. The worst exotic dancer. You can do the string dancer. I'll do the string, yes, I can do this. Except you can really pull the string. Okay. Yeah.

This guy knows what he's talking about. Violet, did you have a question for me, Violet, because I'd love to help you out in any way I can. If you have anything you want to ask me. So it's kind of a two-parter. I was wondering, number one, if you were going to be a stripper, what would your stage name be?

And number two, what song would you dance to? Okay. Ginger Snap. Oh, that's good. Isn't Ginger Snap good? Yeah, that's good. And I do the patented Ginger Snap, where I'd snap my head and my hair would, you know,

go to the side and maybe something else would move around. The old Ginger Snap. No, I thought that was the song. Sorry, I got confused. That's your name. That's my name, Ginger Snap. That's so hot. I think it's really cool.

It is. Do you hand out Ginger Snap? A little bit of danger with it. Yeah. Ginger Snap. And then my song would be Common People as sung by William Shatner. Oh, okay, I can dig it.

Have you heard the William Shatner version? It is absolutely amazing. Yeah, I know that whole album. No, no, that William Shatner did an amazing album like 15 years ago or 12 years ago, and he does the song Common People by Pulp. And you have to have to listen to it. Violet, you have to promise me you're going to dance.

No, I'm going to look it up, and I'm going to dance to it. I mean, you have to, and you have to like, I mean, you have to record this thing. This is amazing. It's Shatner, and Shatner kills it. Does he not?

Edward, do you know what I'm talking about? It's fantastic. Why can't we play it right here? Doesn't he just talk? Can't we play a moment of it right now? We can clear it. We probably can't clear it. Just play a moment of it.

It's so great. At least so we can hear it. Yeah. And then we'll see what happens. That's the album where he does the Ben Foltz song with Amy Mann, too, yeah. It's, he's genius. Here we go.

This is going to be good. Get ready, Violet. This is going to be really good. I'm very excited. Okay, here we go. And you have to really crank it when you dance to it, all right? And you have to commit.

It's a long song. Yeah! It hasn't started yet, Violet. Nice, Violet. This is very important to me. This is the most important thing it's ever... Here we go. She came from Greece. She had a thirst for knowledge.

She studied sculpture at St. Martin's College. That's where I... This works. This actually works. This is amazing! Yeah. We might not have the rights to that song, so we implore you, listener, to get the copy yourself

and play it along to this next section of the podcast. And it is a song that should be in your life. And to anyone else out there who's an exotic dancer, dance to this song. It's such a great song. I want to sleep with common people like you. What else could I do? Okay, but this could actually work.

I'm telling you, and it keeps building... This is actually good. And building, and building, and building, and it is fantastic. And I swear to God, I've got to fly to Kalamazoo to watch you do this. This is just insane. Yeah, absolutely.

All right, let's watch the language. This is a children's show. Oh, yes. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Father. I need to find my church lady after this, you know? Like, I wore the administrative assistant dress, so I would remind myself to be a cleaner. And then I'm just like, oh.

No, that's... I think that's great. It works, it really works. Yeah, I like it. Violet, it is so nice to talk to you, and... It is amazing to talk to you. And also, I have to interrupt you, because my husband would kill me.

He needed me to tell you that your arrow, the Simpsons, was the best. Oh, that's really nice. Yeah. Well, thank him for saying that. That'll get other Simpsons writers really mad at me. But it cares. Yeah.

They can't find me now, I'm hiding. So, Violet, thank you so much. Best of luck. Good luck with all of your, you know, your degree that you're working towards. And take care of yourself. And do this song, Dance to Common People, William Shiner.

Absolutely, I will. Don't be a stranger, I'll look for you. All right. One night, you will see me there, drinking an incredibly tall, fruity drink. I'll hold you to it. Thank you so much. That's your other stripper, Neha.

Exactly. Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Soloteroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vavino. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair.

Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineered by Will Bekton. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production, in association with Stitcher.