Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - The Rolls Royce Of Vikings

Episode Date: May 11, 2023

Conan speaks with fish farmer Kai from Norway about the fun games he plays while out at sea, living in a town of 50 people, and how Conan would fare on the open ocean.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi Kai, welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Hey, hey everyone. Hello Kai, how are you? I'm doing fine, how are you Conan?

I'm doing very well. Kai, first of all, tell me where are you talking to us from? Where are you right now in the world? I'm calling from a small fishing village on the coast of Norway on the islands of Flufluten called Ägüm. I'm sorry, it's called Flufluten? No, it's Lufluten. Oh, I'm sorry, how full is that mean?

Lufluten, Lufluten. All right, your name is Kai and you're coming from Lufluten, Norway. Yes? Lufuten. I think you're getting it. You're coming along Kai. That was nice. Tell me a little bit about yourself.

Who are you? Tell us about Kai. I am just a run of the old male fish farmer from Norway. I used to be a fisherman. I don't know if you've seen like the Discovery Channel's TV show, Deadliest Catch. Yes. So you used to be a fisherman. You used to take fish from the sea,

but now you're a fish farmer, which means that you are planting fish. In the ground? In the ground. Fish seeds? In the ground. How does it work? It's funny because the fishermen don't really like the fish farmers that much

because they think it's cheating. But I just say to the fishermen, which I used to be myself, that why do you want to go out into the ocean and spend a lot of time searching for fish when you can just plant them there, feed them, and sell them when they get big? Yeah, that's true. And so how does that go over with the fishermen?

Yeah, no, they're angry all the time. I think they're pretty angry when you say that. So you're fish farming, but that still means you get in a boat. Yes, you get in a boat and you go out and do you have an area where you raise these fish? Yeah, we have these installations on the ocean called a fish cage. And where I work, we have 10 of them. And there's about 500,000 salmon in these cages.

And we go out on our catamaran every day and we make sure it gets fed. We make sure the temperatures are like the environment is right around them and stuff like that, yeah. What do you feed the salmon? Oh, it's called... Go ahead. Yeah, it's something called pellets. It's like this.

It's something like they have figured out the kind of food that it gets to make them grow the most from what they eat. Right, so is it filled with lots of chemicals and stuff? No, no chemicals. Like me, it's all natural. I don't know about you, Kai, but I rely on many chemicals to enhance things, if you know what I mean. And you will.

Kai... You will? What? Kai, please settle down, gang. Kai, do fish... If you fed salmon hamburger, would they eat it? Of course, we wouldn't. Good answer.

I'm just curious, part of me thinks, wouldn't it be funny to feed salmon hamburger and then feed that to a pescatarian? And then when they're done, go... Jesus. You just ate a lot of hamburger. Fuck you. Wouldn't that be a fun prank? Yeah, that would be...

Yeah, that would be hilarious. I'm writing it down as we speak. Tell me about... Do you like your job? Do you like going out on the sea and working with these fish? What kind of life is that? And do you enjoy it? It's amazing.

I think when I picture my life, I think if I get to stay within this field of work, I'm going to die a happy man, because it's such a free type of job, you know? We're colleagues, but basically we're really good friends. Going out on a boat, doing our thing. We don't really have like super viruses hanging over us.

It's like the ocean breeze. It's the weather, it's everything around that. And like at the end of the day, when we come in, we can put a good honest day's work behind us. You know, it's interesting you say that, because it sounds like you're a real man's man. I am a real man. Yeah.

Look at me. No, but I'm saying without kidding around, this is you're going out on the sea to make your way, to make your living. There's high winds. It's very dramatic off Norway, and you're a real man doing this work. Yeah, it's like an honest day's labor.

I'm kind of envious. Yeah. Because I'm not envious, because Kai, what I do is very similar. No, no. I come out here. I don't know if the temperature in the podcast booth is going to be 71 or 72.

I don't know if the iced tea they got me is going to be completely unsweetened or have a little bit of sugar. So I too am battling the elements in my own way. Absolutely. I'm so happy that I'm up here in the Arctic and not down there. I'm so glad for that.

So Kai, you're just very happy that you're you and not me. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, that's sort of what I'm saying. I can't imagine being able to bear those problems now. Well, you mentioned that you go out in the sea with someone else. Who is this? Is this a brother?

Is it a friend? Who do you go out? Who's your colleague? Well, I would rather say that he's a colleague. He's a buddy more than a colleague, we're such good friends and his name is like in the region. His name is pronounced God Seaman. And I was very nervous about saying that.

God Seaman. God Seaman? His name is Guard Seaman. Yeah. Yeah. It's Guard Seaman. And it's the perfect name for a guy who works in the ocean. No, it's not.

Actually, that would be Jack Fish or Billy Wave. It's the perfect name for someone who wants to have a prison guard for a child. Yeah. I mean, Guard Seaman is not, I don't think of as the perfect ocean going name. Does he, does he tell people his name is Guard Seaman? Not if they're English, no.

Yeah, he should switch it to Gus Jizz. Just saying, if you tell him if he comes to like the United States, make sure he says Gus Jizz. You don't want people getting the wrong idea. Okay. I'll be sure to tell him that tomorrow when he basically kicks my ass. Yeah. All right.

So your friend, Guard Seaman, aka Gus Jizz, he goes out on the boat with you every day. I would think two guys out on a relatively small boat on a vast ocean together. Do you guys ever, do you get along? I mean, because that would wear on me for a while. And I love, oh, wait a minute. I'm not just seeing who's in the booth with me.

What I'm saying is I do like you guys. I like getting on a boat with you. I like Matt Gorley and I like Sonoma Sessian. But if we were on a small boat together every day. No. We'd last maybe half an hour. No. How do you guys get along?

Well, the thing is that to keep it fresh, we have installed this fun game we do when we're out in the ocean. We put on this like local radio channel, which is called Radio Retro. So it plays like hits from the 60s to the 90s. And we have it on full volume. So when we're out working, whenever there's a song comes on, the first one to guess like the band's name or the title of the song gets a point.

And that's like the way we like to keep it fresh. So it's a competition all throughout the day. But you do that every day. Every day it's two of you bobbing in the water and then one of you shouts out, it's the Archies, Sugar Sugar. And you high five each other. That's what's keeping this together.

Yeah. When you say it like that, you know. Yeah. Well, don't make him, don't make him question this. It's all he's got. No. What do you mean when I say it like that? Kai, that's what it is.

When you say it like that. When you guess the song and then you have to listen to the whole song. Yeah. That was the best part. Finn Lizzie, boys are back in town. You got another one. Jizz. You win this round.

Let's plant another salmon. What? Okay. So you, I think I worry about you too. I do. I worry about you and guard semen because I think you're on a small boat. And I worry that you're going to come to blows at some point. And you probably should be talking to like a couples counselor or someone like that who could,

because this system you're using now of guessing songs on the radio. That's not going to see you through in the long run. How long have you been doing that? It sounds like they're doing just fine. I know they're pals. Six months. Longer. No, no.

Don't be fooled. How long have you been in the boat together? Three of those six months. Okay. Basically. I promise you that you're basically saying this is relatively new. You and guard semen are out there playing 20 questions about songs hits from the 1960s off of transistor radio. I think this is, I think you're going to need help in the long run.

Because you're going to get on each other's nerves. You know that, right? Do you ever get irritated with him? Every day, every day. But then the Beatles let it be comes on and so fine. That's a pretty hard one to guess, isn't it? He only says let it be 75,000 times. And then he says, by the way, this is the Beatles in the song.

Yeah, I don't know. So what does he do? What does guard semen do that gets on your nerves? Because like, oh, what doesn't he do that gets on my nerves? He just exists. Oh, he exists. Okay. Yeah.

He's my Jordan Shlansky. He went from being your friend to just being this guy that you clearly can't stand. You guys, this is rough. Is guard semen a real person or do you just have kind of a little schedule out there? He's the volleyball guy. He's the volleyball. I was just going to say. He's Tom Hanks.

Do you see guard semen in the room right now? I am a guard semen. Yeah. What's he made of? Okay. Settle down. Let's get this on the right track here, gang. We're talking to Kai here.

What does he do specifically that does, can you name me a couple of things that guard semen does that bother you when you're out on the boat? Well, like, I'm kind of a bit more experienced than him when it comes to like basically boats and like being out in the ocean because I'm a pretty experienced, you know, seafarer. Farer. Yeah. And it's actually seafarer. But anyway, that's okay.

You're new. Yeah. Go ahead. But like every time I try to showing something like when you're like, for instance, with the engines, I tell him something and then he just immediately says no. And I go, what? And then he goes, oh, yeah, probably. And that's every time, every time.

Well, I have some advice. Don't start an improv group with him. Okay. That's the first thing you shouldn't do. Okay. That's not going to go very far. Second, it sounds like he doesn't respect your authority. No, he doesn't.

Yeah. What do you think I should do to make him respect my authority? Kill him. Whoa. Whoa. No, I wouldn't do that. Whoa. No.

Tell him to miss his Ripley over here. You're on the boat in the middle of the ocean. Okay. Body's disappearing. Are you stronger than he is? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. A lot stronger.

Are you? You're a very strong guy, aren't you? The strongest. What do you mean the strongest? You're the strongest. When you say you're the strongest, are you the strongest guy in your town, do you think? Oh, yeah. No, I'm just the strongest mentally that actually has the endurance to put up with him.

Yeah. Oh, okay. I see. How big is your town that you live in? It's a small fishing village. We're approximately 50 people here. Oh, my God. Wait.

You live in a village of 50 people, and then you choose a job where you go out with one person every day and isolate yourself? Yeah. What are you running from? Most death. What did you do in your past? 50 people live in the town of Sklubendubend. 50 people live there.

Nobody in this village really uses the internet or social media or anything. And here I am talking to like the biggest star in America. Wow. You really don't get out much, Kai. Because I mean like Soda has the best selling books and everything. I'll remind you who you're talking to. Let me ask you about your personal life. How's that going?

You have a special person in your life? Garg Seaman. Wait a minute. Okay. What's the dating? I mean you live in a town. You're a good looking manly man, Kai. I would think there would be limited opportunities in a town of 50 people.

Is that true? Yeah. The thing is that like I couldn't really date anyone out here because we're all related. But about half an hour's drive you come to a town that's slightly bigger. But even though it's slightly bigger, we're still in like the population is so that you know everybody. And for me to stand out. Do you have a plan to meet somebody? Is there a way where you are that you could go and possibly enter a dating scene?

I haven't really ever had a girlfriend. And I'm not really sure how you get one of those. Well, you've come to the right person. No, my in America, I have quite the reputation with the ladies. So I will happily. Well, no, I didn't say what kind of reputation. Did I? No.

Lots of restraining orders, cease and desist. But would you like to meet somebody? Is that something you're interested in? Yeah, of course. Who wants to go through life alone? Well, Matt. Yeah. I know yours.

Yeah. And look what it did for me. Exactly. Do you think I could be of any help to you in this area? What if you and I, what if I was your wingman? Do you think I would be of help to you or give me your opinion? I think if you were my wingman, I think I probably have to move to an even more secluded area. You're wrong, Kai.

You're wrong. I could do great things for you, Kai. I could fix your relationship with guard semen and I could get you into a real dating pool where there are as many as two people you're not related to. Yeah, but okay. Have you ever been to Norway yourself? I have been to Norway and you may know this because it was a huge deal at the time. But I was there, I went to Oslo and I was the host at a big variety show that honored the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.

That must have swept through your area like a cyclone. Conan O'Brien hits Norway. We probably didn't have television at the time so I wouldn't really know much about it. It was two months ago. It was a couple of years ago. I forget when exactly. I saw an interview of you and what I remember from you was that you were angry that these two ten-year-olds were living at the same hotel as you had got all the recognition. Yeah, there was a pop duo of two ten-year-olds.

What? There were a big deal and it was really hilarious because when I would walk outside my hotel, all the young girls were screaming, you know, Sluden, Duden, wear a Sluden and Duden and I was, you know, what am I, chopped liver? And it really did take me down to size. Boy, but they were quite the pop duo. I don't know where they are now. I think they've been imprisoned. Those two pop stars, I think it was two brothers.

Sluden and Duden. Yeah, Sluden and Duden. Or Duden and Sluden. And Marcus and Martinez. Oh, that's it. Marcus and Martinez. Are they still a big deal over there? Yeah, they've really dabbed over the years.

They've really what? They've become more and more anonymous over the years. One is playing soccer and I don't know where the other one is. No one does. I think they're both one. One is playing soccer and the police don't know the whereabouts of the other one. No one knows. Careful, you don't find something in the water.

Yeah. He changed his name to Guard Seaman. Yeah, yeah. He's performing with you. How do you know that Martinez of Marcus and Martinez is in Guard Seaman? Let me ask you this. Any time a Martin and Martinez song comes on the radio, does Guard Seaman always get that one? Yeah, he gets it immediately.

And he says, and I wrote that one. I mean, Martinez wrote that one. What a mustache I've got. Wow. Well, where do you live in town? Do you live in an apartment? Do you live in a house? No, actually, I bought like the house I grew up in.

Oh. And I got a pretty sweet deal on it, too. Well, I should hope so. I would love it if you, what did you screw it over your parents? I got a pretty sweet deal. They didn't know what hit them. I muscled about it. How did you, you bought the house from your mother, your father?

What happened? My father, because he was, he was, he has moved to another place and I asked him instead of the house. He was tired of all the crowds. Yeah. He wanted to get away from his whole family of 50 people. So he wanted to move on. And so what did he, what did he, you, you bought the house from him? Yeah, because I was living, I wanted to move back to my hometown and I asked him like instead

of the house just standing here and decaying, maybe I could buy it for a reduced price and use the extra money to like freshen it up. And so that when my siblings and my father wanted to come for a vacation, they get like a more fresh and more styled house and yeah. Are you good at, are you, are you good at home repair? Are you one of those guys that knows how to fix things up and make it look nice? Kind of. But like, I need help with most of the stuff.

I can do some of it, but yeah. Well, what's guard Seaman doing? Yeah. I'm sorry. Please, Gus Jizz. Sorry. Well, I just want to get back to the boat for a second. You're out on the boat.

The wind is blowing through your hair. The salt spray is hitting your, your beard, your Nordic beard. You know, guard Seaman is, is in the back probably screwing up the engine, but you must feel in those moments like you're really living life. You know, is that what it feels like? Yeah, it's like, it's just an unmatched feeling. Like you have the vast open oceans. You have like the climate we have here.

It's, it's windy. It's cold. And you feel, you feel like you're really doing something that like has been in Norwegian traditions for ages, you know, because the Vikings were also doing that. They were out in the ocean. They had like, they didn't have any engines, but like they had the same feeling that we did today. Just we have a bit more modernized equipment around us.

But it's basically, basically, Kai, you are, I'm not even kidding here. You are a modern day Viking. You're part of a tradition that goes back thousands of years. You're out on the sea. You're a man's man. And you are creating, finding food, nature's bounty from the cold, briny deep off the coast of Norway. This sounds fantastic.

It sounds like something I would want to experience because look at me. I am in a, I am in a booth. I, I, on doctor's orders, I don't go outside much. I live a very sheltered life. What you're doing sounds so exciting to me. Do you think that seems that way? Cause look, you're wearing this Norwegian jacket. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. My wife got this to me totally coincidence. I, I, and I wore this today, not even knowing who I was going to be talking to, but it's cold in LA right now. It's a chilling 66 degrees. Yeah. So I, I put this on.

No, but what you're doing sounds, I'm very envious of what you're doing. How, and I want you to answer this honestly, Kai. You've watched a lot of my videos and you've listened to my podcast. How do you think I would do in your little boat on the raging seas off the coast of Norway? How would I size up what I do? Okay. Be honest. It's what she pledged to have to say, be honest.

What are you talking about? I do. I do want you to be honest. Be honest. Be honest. How would I do? I mean, you got some musical knowledge where you would beat us at that thing. No, I don't mean with the contest.

I don't mean with the contest. Yes. I would actually probably do pretty well at the contest. I know my music, especially 60s and 70s. I'd kill it. Once you get into the late 80s, that stuff's shit. My point is, I would like to know how I size up as a man in that situation. And I would like to know what you think.

You know, I think it would be such a new and cool experience for you that I think you would probably kill it. And give me a couple of days. I would have taught you how to drive a boat properly, how to work the engines. No, not a couple of days. I would need. I like to try and get the gist of things in about half an hour. Do you mean you kill it or just get killed? Yeah.

Yeah. I'm talking about the salmon. He would probably cause a mess, death, and it would be hard to jobs. You know, Kai, you're underestimating me. I am a very, first of all, I believe I have some Viking blood. You know, my people come from Ireland. I have red hair and there's a good chance that I am a Viking descent. What if when I get in that little boat and I'm off the coast of Norway,

you see that I really am in my element, that my DNA, which for thousands of years has been... That's like saying a toy poodle is a wolf. There's some wolf-like qualities in a toy poodle. Have you ever seen one really when you offered a little treat? You see its eyes turn red? Yeah. A Viking is to you like a lioness.

Do a little pretty kitty. Do a little tiny kitty cat. Kai, they're wrong. And you're wrong. I'm a badass and I could prove to you I'm a badass. Okay? Yeah, Conan, you're the Rolls-Royce of Vikings. Oh, what?

I'm a queen, but I love it. I'm a car. No one drives anymore of Vikings. Expensive, unreliable. I'm the expensive, unreliable Viking that no one has. The ultimate empty gesture. No one's had anything to do with since about 1972. Wow.

Okay. Well, listen, Kai, very cool talking to you and I'm not kidding. I am very intrigued by your life. I think there's a part of everybody, especially those of us who live in Los Angeles in our stupid little bubble who thinks, how would I measure up? How would I measure up if I really had to be out there tested by the elements with a true manly man?

I don't know how I would do. And there's part of me that's curious. Yeah, but you're welcome to come and try it and I'll greet you with the open arms. Well, you'll spot me coming a while away because I'll be the first person that you don't immediately know from town that you've seen since birth. Driving up in a Rolls Royce.

Yeah, exactly. A Rolls Royce. This is how I roll. Kai, it's an honor to talk to you. Give my best to Guard Seaman. Yeah, same to you Conan. And dream come true. Thank you so much.

And please, my best to everybody in Slutenduden. And I do hope our paths cross one day because I'd like to test myself on the high seas. Yeah, you sort of kind of know the name of the town. So maybe it will. All I have to do is hit Norway and say, which way is Abenskloben? And I think there's an 80% chance they point me in your direction.

Okay. Yeah. Actually, all I have to do is say, where's Kai? And they'll go, oh. Or Guard Seaman. Yeah, or Guard Seaman. Yeah. Thanks Kai.

Hey Kai, it was really nice talking to you. And I do hope our paths cross. You seem like a very cool guy. Yeah, the same, same. Thank you so much. Take care. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Salateroff and Jeff Ross, a team cocoa and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vivino. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair.

Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Please rate, review and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a team cocoa production

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