Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - The Student Has Become The Master

Episode Date: April 22, 2021

Conan talks with Merin from Mexico City about the best places to go sightseeing. Then he gives advice on a pastor’s sock puppet problem while speaking with Ricky from El Paso. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Conan, please meet Marin. Oh, hey, Marin. How are you? Great to meet you. How do you spell your first name, Marin?

The way that it's spelled on the screen, M-E-R-I-N. Oh, wow. You just okay boomered me. That was so, that was so mean. My mom is an anti-aging activist, Conan. So she's going to give me a lot of shit for that later. First of all, I got to fix it so that you're up all the time because you're, you're, you keep disappearing when you're not speaking. So I didn't, you weren't on screen at that second

and I couldn't see how you had spelled your name. And you tore into me with a violence and a vehemence that was, I don't know, it was brutal. That was brutal. You're already making me feel really welcome, Conan. Thank you. Well, listen, I, I feel like we got off on the wrong start. Okay. I simply asked you how you spell your name. You okay boomered me. Now I'm just a smoldering wreck. No, I thought we were going to talk about me,

but as I have observed pretty frequently on the podcast with Matt and Sonia, hi, by the way, you didn't introduce them or present them in any way. But also you've already turned it completely around to yourself. So I'm very impressed by just the speed. Oh, I like Marin. I like you. Darren, Marin. Marin.

Come back always. Marin, we've run out of time. No, we've got plenty of time. No time to speak to you, Marin. Marin, first of all, I resent that the fact that you think I turn everything to me. That's just not true. I'm a curious mind, a gracious host. I always make it about the guest. Well, for one, Conan, you clearly have your zoom on speaker view,

which means that you're also mostly staring at yourself. Oh my God. Oh, wow. This is amazing. I have found whenever I become agitated or upset, if I see my face, I calm down. It's why sometimes you put a mirror in a crib. A child just relaxes when it sees itself. So yes, I do have it on speaker view. But Marin, I want you to do most of the talking because it sounds like you are a very analytical mind.

You're very good at reading people. You've outed me already as not being good at tech. And you've revealed to a shocked public that I'm a narcissist. So congratulations. So tell us, tell me about yourself. What do you do? Where are you from? Yeah, so I'm from the Midwest. Generally, I was born in Kansas. Oh, so you roam around a lot. You're like a serial killer.

You move quickly from town to town. Yes, shockingly similar. Yes. I lived in Minnesota for a long time. That's where my family is from. But I actually live in Mexico City. That's where I am right now. Oh, you're in Mexico? Home, yeah. And I work for the Fulbright commission here.

I came as a Fulbrighter and then I stayed on working for the commission. So I've been in Mexico now almost three years and I love it. This is a Fulbright scholarship? Yeah. Or did you, wow, congratulations. You're clearly a very accomplished person. Oh, thank you. Seriously, I mean that.

I love Mexico City or as I call it, a Ciudad de Mexico, but sorry, I'll translate that later for everyone. Thank you. For me too. Have you been to my favorite spot to visit in Mexico City, which is where Trotsky was murdered? Have you been to Trotsky's home? Of course, yes, many times.

I always take people there when they visit. You know what? I've been there and there were two attempts on Trotsky's life. And the first one was with machine guns and there's still holes in the wall. The second one famously worked where they hired an intern to work for Trotsky and he worked for them for a while. And then when no one was looking because he was a plant from the Soviet Union, he wandered in and put an ice pick in Trotsky's head,

which I think he still holds the award for worst intern. Because I mean, you just think about it like people say like, oh, that intern was terrible, never got my coffee order right. Yeah, I have another one for you. Walked in and put an ice pick in the boss's brain. Well, you better watch out because Sona I think is about at her limit as it is. Yes. I can send you an Amazon link to a really great ice pick store.

Please. A lot of good options, a lot of different sizes, you know, it's not going to leave a trace. Here's the problem. Sona is going to get the ice, she's going to order the ice pick, she's going to get the ice pick, she's going to be all ready to go. She's going to be headed in to kill me with the ice pick. And on the way into the office, she's going to forget. Okay.

And later on, you'll be driving home and there'll be an ice pick in your purse. You're like, oh, shit. You're having a good time with that. I believe in you, Sona. Second tries the char. Thank you, Marin. I know Marin believes in me. One day you will have an ice pick sticking out of your head.

You're welcome to come and visit me here in Mexico. Oh, here's another fun fact about Trotsky. He gets the ice pick in the head. It literally is sticking out of his head just like Sona described. He gets up and fights the guy with an ice pick sticking out of his head. It was like a Warner Brothers cartoon. It's insane. Anyway, look it up online.

Death of Trotsky. Fascinating. How long did it take for him to die? I think it was like 24 hours, 48 hours. No, with an ice pick? Yeah. Seriously? Yeah.

Well, they took it out eventually. I think when they got to the hospital, they got a plumber to come and whip it out. But you should check it out. That's what I think of. That's the first thing I think of when I think of Mexico City. Are you fluent in Spanish? Can I ask you that? Yes.

Yes. I do a lot of my work in Spanish and I've been here for quite a while. Beautiful language. Yeah. Very few of us speak it fluently and beautifully. But it's important that we have the people. I think that the fajitas... Oh, what was that one?

It was recorded. But... Marin, how do you say ice pick in Spanish? That's a good question, you know? That's not one that I've used a lot. Fortunately, even though that's apparently the first thing that Conan associates with my beautiful city. I know.

I'm really glad to hear. But no, that's not one that I've had to use. They do now sell bags of ice that come already cubed in Mexico. So I haven't had a lot of use for the ice pick. There is a gift shop at the home of Trotsky. And I bought a very nice key chain there that has Trotsky's face on it. You know, you can also wear it on your jacket. It's like a pin, but it's like a pretty...

It's a nice enamel Trotsky face. And many people on the street have stopped me and said, cool Borat pin. Oh, no! I think it's a Borat pin. Yeah. And then I have to explain to them, this is Trotsky, and then they lose interest.

And we go our separate ways. That's painful. Well, I will tell you, Conan, next time you come, if you're interested in that kind of history, you can go to the Café La Habana, which is the Javana Café in Juarez neighborhood, where Fidel Castro and Che Guevara, and all the revolutionary associates,

they were exiled from Cuba to Mexico after their first attempt at revolution. That's fascinating. And that's where they plotted the Cuban revolution. You know what I'm going to bet? I'm going to bet they were bad tippers. Oh, God. Most communists and socialists don't tip for shit.

So you can just see Castro and Che Guevara sitting around, and they probably spent all day there, because they had nowhere to go. And they're talking about some... Oh, yeah. They find one coffee for... Yeah, they bought one coffee. And then, of course...

Or less than 50 cents. Right. And then they have to split the bill like nine different ways, because everything has to be fair. And then they leave no tip. Fidel would probably order, you know, his Milanoche sandwich, five coffees, a rum, and then he would want to split the bill equally.

Yes. Yes. Classic Castro, you know, really did the same thing to Cuba. And if you're out there, I'm sorry, not a good tipper, just a fact. What's been really lovely talking to you. I mean that. And I also... I said I learned a lot.

I also, I think, learned how to use Zoom. I didn't realize that your name was in the corner. And now I know that. You have taught me well. And so, in a way, maybe the student has become the master and the master, the student. Yes. Or perhaps the student was always the master.

Wow. Okay. I thought we ended nicely. And you just had to flick just a little more shit on me. Nice. Nicely done. Just a little bit. You were like, you're mostly covered in shit,

but there's one spot on your cheek that doesn't have any on it. And you smeared it on there. I love you, Marin. I love you too. Please come back any time. No, no, no. Sona, you're forbidden to speak to Marin again. Please come back any time.

Matt? No. I am... Like Castro, I'm forbidding communication. I have a little island called Conan Island and no one's allowed to communicate with the outside world. So I'm on there on your island or I'm isolated on your island. You now live in Florida and you are not allowed to speak to...

You are not allowed to speak to Sona or to Matt that live on Conan Island. If you're able to construct any kind of makeshift raft, Matt and Sona, you're welcome in Miami anytime. Hi. Thank you. Thank you. Hi, Marin. Good luck to you.

Thank you, Conan. Bye-bye. Bye. Conan, please meet Ricky. Hello. Ricky, how are you? I'm doing great, man. Hey, don't man me.

What is this? What do you hopped up on pills, you hippie? What's this man business? I've been operating under the assumption this is an elaborate prank by my staff at the end of which is not Conan. So seeing you... No, it's better than that. It's still an elaborate prank and it involves me,

but it's costing your friends $250,000. Then it's worth it. Yeah. Yeah, they had to have like 9,000 bake sales to make this happen. And apparently I only have to talk to you for eight seconds. And so I'm signing off now. Thanks for talking to you, Ricky. Bye, Ricky.

It's great. No, Ricky, I want to know all about you. Tell me about yourself, Ricky. Well, man, I am a pastor. I am a dad. I'm a husband. I'm a El Paso. You're a pastor.

Can you tell me... Can you say El Paso? Yep. Oh, wow. Okay. This is a... I love this. You're a pastor in El Paso.

We have like a third of a country western song. I love it. Yes. Yeah. Do they call you El Pastor? Yeah. You're El Pastor from El Paso. Tell me, what about your...

The denomination of your church. What are your... What is the religious leaning of your flock? Well, it's a non-denominational church. Oh, non-den... Completely non-denomination. Yeah. So, yeah. Okay.

So, no, I don't have to wear investments. I've only had to wear investments once. We can wear casual jeans. We're like the refreshed Conan show where we can wear casual jackets and jeans. Yes. Hey. Thank you. You know what?

Thank you. So, what we did a revamp on our show was that I wanted the show to be non-denominational. Yes. So, that's why I just started dressing like a casual El Paso hipster pastor. And you and I are exactly on the same track. Yeah. We essentially have just been watering down whatever you do for the last 20 or so years. I'm trying to put a fresh religious coat of paint on it now.

So, this is fascinating to me. I'm very excited to talk to you because I have a lot of questions. First of all, how large is your non-denominational congregation? It's like 300, 400 people. And do you, how many services a week do you do? We do two every Sunday. So, you can completely, I mean, I'm going to tell you something. I was raised Catholic.

So, of course, they have to adhere to all of this strict text that I know by heart because I went to thousands and thousands of Catholic Masses and I know it all by heart. You get to freestyle. It's, is that right? Well, sort of. I will say this. We've done something partially inspired by your show that I think we're regretting now. Wait a minute.

You're a religious leader and you're, you're doing something that you got from our show. You're a terrible pastor. Terrible. But I might need your help with this. So, here's, here's what we did. So, one of the things I loved is seeing how you came back and essentially just trying to entertain people just did whatever you could think of for several weeks stuck at home. Stuck at home.

I remember you carrying around life-size cutouts of Kevin Hart in your backyard. I remember, you know, all this stuff. And, and after watching a couple of weeks of it, I realized we can literally do anything right now. So, like in this pandemic era, we can do it. We can try anything. So, we tried doing a sock puppet in lieu of not being able to actually teach kids and have like classes for kids on Sundays.

We tried doing this sock puppet and now we can't stop. Now the sock puppet has to appear every week for people to get angry. And when you say people get, first of all, don't blame me for your sock puppet bit. Okay. You know, that's not, don't put that on me, man. You made the choice to sit, don't say, oh, I watched Conan. He was freestyle in a bit. So, then we did a sock puppet.

The sock puppet is obviously for kids. And is it the kids who insisted it comes back? Because when the adults are saying, hey, man, where's the sock puppet? You have a problem. That is exactly what's happening. The adults were like, where's the puppet? Because before we do like the sermon or homily or whatever you want to call it, we, we, we do a mini version for the kids because we haven't been able to do cat classes, you know,

because of safety reasons and stuff. And so we basically have to do a Mr. Rogers version of the sermon in two minutes for children with a sock puppet. But now I, we can't get rid of them. So we need a way. You can't get rid of him meaning he's too popular. Yeah, he's too powerful that you do it. Like, and, and, and so I'm wondering if you've ever had a bit that you feel like, you know

what, this bit needs to, we need to write this, we need to be done with a bit, but you can't because people just keep, what do I do? First of all, the, the first, I still have more questions. First of all, I totally relate to, we have a bit and it's got to stop that I've experienced since 1993, about 650,000 times. That happens all the time. How do you stop it? That's a very good question.

Yes, because we had a, this is going way, way, way back to the beginning of the show, but we had a character called Pimp Bot. He was a robot pimp. And he used to come out. So very similar, very similar bit. Yeah. By the way, I just forgot that you were a pastor. Anyway, he was a robot pimp.

And so he was a, he was like a bad 1950s robot bleep bleep blurp blurp, but he, he was dressed like a, you know, late 60s, 70s stereotypical pimp. And he was always talking about his profession in very graphic way. And people love Pimp Bot. And then we stopped doing it in like 94 for 10 years after that, whenever I would pass young people, they'd be like, dude, Pimp Bot, Pimp Bot, when's he coming back? And I thought it's been a decade. And you're still asking me about Pimp Bot.

And they'd be like, Pimp Bot, we've got to have Pimp Bot. So I'm going to tell you right now that it's very hard to get rid of, especially once you've created a character and a puppet no less. What's the name of the puppet? Freddie the moose. Oh. Oh, you're screwed. Freddie the moose.

I haven't even seen Freddie the moose and I love Freddie the moose. That's cute. You can't get rid of Freddie the moose. No. I forbid you. Oh, no. This is backfiring. This is not.

I have our. I'm not going to help you get rid of Freddie the moose. Freddie the moose. I wish I had thought of Freddie the moose. In fact, tune in next week. You may see me talking to my own Freddie the moose. I'll change it just a little bit so I can steal it. But when you see me talking to Teddy the elk, you'll know that you've been ripped off.

But wait a minute. How does he talk? How does he sound? Can you give us a little of him? Okay. Do you want to see him? Well, that's okay. Yes.

You don't have to. It's okay. No, no. Of course we want to see him. No, no. We want to see him, but back me up. You have to go get Freddie. Back me up, team.

Doesn't this sound a little bit like one of those ventriloquists who's talking about his dummy a little too much? It's not. And then he says, and then he says, do you want to meet him? I'm a little worried. He says, oh, he's got quite the life. And then you all start to get scared and we back out of the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your screener. And then later, Sona's sleeping and little tiny hands start to strangle her. Oh, no. He's going to come in just briefly. He's going to say hi, and then he's going to peace out. He's very busy. Whoa. This is a separate entity.

Oh my God. Look at him. He's adorable. Let's hear him. Let's see. Who am I? What? You don't recognize me?

I've been on television for 30 years. I can't believe you can recognize me. What do you mean? Who are you? How dare you? Hello, Mr. Cohen. No, Cohen. It's Conan, not Cohen.

I'm not George M. Cohen. Oh my God. The person working the puppet has no idea who I am. This is so insulting on so many levels. Hello. Who are you? Hello, Mr. Cohen. Say goodbye, Freddie.

Hi. No, no, no. You know what? I love Freddie. Yeah, Freddie. What if Freddie could name Sona and me perfectly? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I really prefer Matt Gorley. He's a terrific podcaster. And Sona Mufsesian. I mean, her trip to Armenia was inspiring. Now, who's Kohan? So specific. I love it. That puppet took me down.

That puppet's a lot like Triumph, the insult comic dog. He took me right out at the knees. And I feel bested. Why get rid of him? What's wrong? I don't see a problem here. You have a bit in my profession. If you have a bit that's working and making people happy, you've struck gold.

Keep the puppet going. What's wrong with it? Well, I think we're going to have to now at this point because you've validated him and he's going to now want to hire Billing on the liturgy. I mean, above God, he's going to want to be above. Yeah, I mean, we got all kinds of headaches. Now, let me ask you something. Let's say someone, God forbid, passed away and there was a funeral right.

The puppet, Freddie wouldn't show up. He'd be like, oh, I'm so sad. Mr. Smith, it's not Smith. It's Samuels. Whatever, passed away. You're not going to, he wouldn't show up at that, would he? Look, at this point, what Freddie can and can't do, I feel like he's driving the bus. And I feel like at this point, my performance review is going to be with him at the end of the year.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. The Vikings of a terrific horror movie, a pastor, his puppet in El Paso. Look at all the peas and the plosives. Yeah. A pastor and his puppet in El Paso are trapped in this hellish duel to the death, the two of you,

because you can't get rid of him and his power grows every day and yours weakens. Yeah, it's true. So now at some point, the way this movie might end is the puppet becomes more like you, become more like the puppet. And at the end, Freddie is giving this liturgy, this sermon, whatever you call it, the, what do you call it? The sermon, yeah. The talk, the sermon. And then you're brought in, you're the puppet at the end.

Oh, man. And you become that which you loathed and now he's in charge. I think we can sell this. I think this is a saleable concept. Well, first of all, that means a lot coming from a pastor in El Paso. Because who knows this business better than you. Listen, Conan, Ricky. I know a million dollar ideas here.

Is it, you're like the hippest pastor I've ever talked to. I want you to be my religious advisor from now on. I would be. Because you seem, you seem, doesn't he seem incredibly loose guys? He's very loose. Very, yeah. He speaks my language because I too am very young and very hip. Yeah.

What's happening? No. Okay. Weird noises. Anyway, must be something on the computer. Anyway, I, I relate to you. You're filling me with enthusiasm and it feels like you have the right perspective on this religion thing.

So I'm, I'm very happy to know you worried, worried about your relationship with the puppet as I think we all are. I think even you're worried. That's why you decided you wanted to talk to me. I thought if anybody would know what to do with an insurgent staff, it would be Conan O'Brien. Well, look at me. I am the Stalin of, of my staff. I'm a cruel and arbitrary ruler.

Yet no, nothing happens. I try to fire people. I try. So now I've been trying to fire you for 11 years. So long. Yeah. You just come back and demand a raise and I give it to you. Gourly, I've tried to savage you on the air, he just attacks right back, doesn't even break a sweat

and everybody laughs at me instead of Gourly. So I'm, I'm not the one to look to. I do not know how to deal with an insurgent staff. I think we may have found the puppet. I think if you're unable to fire people, I think if you have no power, if, if Sona and Matt controls who you talk to and when I, I think at the end of the movie, it might be you. I don't know.

This is incredible. I think you're right. I think you're right because you know what, I'm a slave to laughter and I'm a slave to people liking what I'm doing. And I think I become more puppet like every day. I think if you look at me from 93 and you look at me now, I've only become more and more cartoonish, more and more absurd. And this is going to end with me as the puppet in El Paso using a lot of plosives and peas.

Sorry, it's, it's a pastor thing. We have to alliterate everything in a cheesy way. I am delighted. Nice to meet you. You seem like a very nice guy and very with it as we young people say these days. What, what's happening? More giggling. Come on.

Your puppet master needs an update. Yeah. I need my puppet, my puppet master is Chong of Cheech and Chong. Anyway, it was really nice meeting you, Ricky. And in all seriousness, I, I endorse your puppet, your bit that you're doing is officially endorsed by Conan O'Brien for whatever the, whatever that's worth. I don't think it's worth much, but, but please tell your congregation and, and remember, you have got to keep doing it.

You've got to keep doing it. Well, I just get to say, this is a huge highlight. I'm a huge fan and really appreciate it, especially over the last year, you making us laugh when we're all stuck inside of our houses. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Well, you know what it's called? My own sad neediness being put to some, I hope being put to some good use, but hey, Ricky,

thank you. That is terrific. Night. Really nice talking to you. And best of luck to you and to Freddie the moose. You're doing, you're doing good stuff. You really are. I mean that sincerely.

Awesome. Thanks. Go to love you guys. Hey, take care. Bye. Bye. See you Ricky. Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely.

Produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Joanna Soloteroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vivino. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair, associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples, associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm, engineered by Will Beckton. Please rate, review and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher.