Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Three Days From Retirement

Episode Date: November 2, 2023

Conan chats with Bill from Winthrop Harbor, Illinois about his German Shepherd Hondo, working for a funeral home, and retirement life for dogs. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Konan? Visit teamkoko.com slash call-konan. Okay, let's get started. Hey, it. Well, I saw it. Hello there, Bill. How are you? I'm Greg. Bill, I'm Conan. This is Sona.

That's David, right? David, yeah. David's also, I think you're coming from Illinois, aren't you? I am. Yeah, okay. Which part of Illinois are you from? With the department, which is the northeast corner of the state. We boarded Wisconsin and Lake Michigan. Okay, because David, I think you're from the very, you from with the department which is the northeast corner of the state. We border Wisconsin and Lake Michigan. Okay, because David, I think you're from the very, very far

this part south. I'm from Carlandall, close to the springfield. Yeah. Oh, I know where that's it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No one really goes there. Oh, no, no. No, they really it's fair. It's fair. It's fair. It's fair. Yeah, no you weren't. Yeah. It's the only dairy queen franchise that's failed in the

United States. No, it's in the open. It's still going. But no one goes. Every now and then a ear of corn rolls in. I think it's a customer. Anyway, Bill, back to you. You're the focus here, not my assistant, who comes from a corn field. Bill, tell us a little bit about yourself. What do you do for a living? I'm a police officer. Oh, wow. You're a police officer. Oh wow, you're a police officer. Very, very good. And what unit are you in? What tell us a little bit about your job as a police officer? Well, the town that I live in is the town that I work for. It's a small town that I said, it's like four square miles.

We got about 6,000 people. So a small town I grew up here. So I was assigned to to a canine officer for a number of years. Oh, I just retired. A canine officer. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I, whenever, I go is love seeing a working dog and I love seeing, you know, police dogs. I just love the idea that, that, because I think, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think dogs know when they're working. They know that they have a job. Oh, no matter if I was just talking to one of the guys about it, I had to stop wearing

my uniform home because he would see me leaving in my uniform and just try to bust out the door with me. I'm like, you know, so I just decided to start changing it. Work. So you're dog retired. He is retired. What's he doing now? Is he like building modelships? And has he tried golf? He's watching a lot of the history channel I believe.

Oh yeah. Hey, just do me a favor. Check the liquor when you come home. Because it's when they start day drinking that you got to worry. Well, what kind of dog is your dog that just retired? What's his name and what kind of dog is he? His name is Hondo. He's a pure bread German Shepherd. Oh, cool. They're supposed to be very smart dogs.

He's pretty smart. Oh, I said very smart and you said pretty smart. He's pretty smart. Okay, yeah. He's hearing all this right now and getting depressed. Yeah, can we see him? Can he come up and yeah? I want to see his face. I love to see it. I love dogs.

Do you want to see this? Hondo, Hondo. He can't hear us because he's just a little help. Help and being robbed. Hondo, I'm gonna try and create a crime. So then I'm gonna do through the Oh, there is. Hondo What a gorgeous guy hi, hondo. Yeah, you've earned your retirement

She did he has earned it definitely Um, that's so funny. I wonder if hondo went through some of the same tropes that people go through in movies like well I'm three days from retirement Oh, no, that squirrel has gone I'm three days from retirement. Oh no, that squirrel has gone. Oh, damn, I'm glad he's okay. I'm glad he, in movies whenever a policeman says, well, three days from retirement,

you know, that's when the shit hits the fan. That's success, yeah. That was a, was that rubber devolver? It's in every movie. It's in every police movie ever made. So, let me ask you a question, if I can, Bill, how do you, do you get to pick any dog or they try to pair you with the right dog?

I'm curious how it works. It's right here. Yeah, so your first day at class, they've already got the dog set and there's usually four or five officers in the class, right? They've, the kennel, the people that own the kennel have already done all the research on you. They've done your background.

They've talked to your police chief, your friends, your neighbors, your family, all without your knowledge. Oh. And they find out what kind of person you are. And that's how they pair up the dogs with you. Oh, that's interesting. And sometimes, sometimes they'll even change, you know, mid-date or the mid-the-first week. They might see something that all this dog's not working with Bill, so we'll put him with Conan and Conan's dogs in the gold soda and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Well, this makes me, I'm very curious about this. So how did they match Hondo with you? What qualities did they see in you that they saw in Hondo? Well, fortunately, this is my third dog, and I got him later in my career. So I was at this point on a nice, even keel, and I had matured. And so I got the mature dog. I got the dog that was strong, but confident and calm. Yes. Oh, I see.

So that early on your career, you might have had a dog that was maybe a little bit more of a hot shot, a hot head. I did. I had the top gun dog. Yeah, he was, he was crazy. I love him. But I think if I was a canine officer, they'd pair me with a dog with very low testosterone and, and it was prone to depression.

I think that's what I would do. Yeah, you'd be the first two-hour police to get. Yeah, you'd be a very depressed two-hour. Isn't that, isn't that what Irish setters are? Yeah. I think that's very cool. So Hondo now is probably struggling a little bit with being retired. He is.

Like I said, the first, I, this half and I'm Memorial Day this year. And then, so the first couple of weeks was pretty tough. I was wearing my uniform home and, you know, in the morning I change and I'd go out to work and he would just try to bust out the door here with me. And I'd be like, no, I gotta stay in the house. And I sat for my uniform home and that helped out tremendously because he knew when it was time to go to work

because I threw my uniform on. Hey, why did Hondo have to retire? I mean, what are the signs that it was time to go to work because my terminal uniform on. Hey, why did Hondo have to retire? I mean, what are the signs that it's time for your dog to retire? So early on in his career, he got hit by a car to the accident that we had. And he broke his hip and he recovered fully from it, but the arthritis is starting to kick in. I see. So he's getting a little...

Yeah. He doesn't like to put his, you know, get up on stuff as much as you use to. I get it. I get it. My dad is 94 and I hit him with a car about a week ago. Oh. First time I missed him, but then I swung around and I got him.

It's like a time. Throwing reverse. Yeah, I got him. Anyway, they say he's gonna mend up real good. So you're saying that's the same thing. Kind of. I think so. So, well, that sounds like you got your hands full with that.

That's your full-time job is being a police officer in the canine unit. Well, no more of the canine unit. Now, I'm just, I run the trading division and scheduling and I still go on patrol and answer calls every now and then. Do you ever see dogs who are just hanging out and they look like they're up to no good and you go over and talk to them and say,

you know, you could make something of your life. Is that something that would work? Where you could say it. The dogs like smoking weed, the dog is smoking weed. This dog is smoking weed. I don't know why this is, but every time we have a dog calling a loose dog

or a dog that just bits somebody they send me and I'm like, I'm the dog guy. I had a dog that was trained to do, you know, ungodly things and I don't deal with dogs that don't listen. Yeah, but I mean, the thing is, you can't give up on a dog. Any dog can become a police dog. Don't you believe that? I do believe that, I mean, I've seen everything from two hours, pit bulls,

rockwilers, German shepherds, everything, even a poodle. Oh. You know, do some sort of police work. Yeah. Yeah, whether it be fine drugs or finding electronics, you know, stuff like that. I think poodle is mostly work in the lab. They're like, yeah. They're looking in a microscope.

I have a poodle. I think she'd be a good police dog. I know your poodle. No, your dog was not. Her dog wears a slash hat. The same hat that slash wears. She thinks that's funny. It's cute. No, your dog cannot.

She's a little scared of flies. But I think she can really do something. Oh, sure. Yeah, scared of a fly and then tackle of robber. I don't think so. You have another job, do you not, sir? I do. I do. It is not a late night talk show host.

I do work for a funeral hall. Oh. Well, there's probably some similarities. Because trust me, both involve trying to work with stiff You try talking to some of these kids that are showing the WB it doesn't go anywhere Sorry, that's a little I have a little post-traumatic stress syndrome from the mid 90s Yeah, you know, hey, so tell me about Dawson's Creek It's not easy sledding. I'm not mentioning specific names, but anyway

So you do body retrieval. Yeah, so well removal so you know when somebody dies in the hospital or dies at home It's not always that you know lunchtime sometimes it's midnight two o'clock. I'm warning three o'clock, and morning, and I am one of the people that they call to facilitate that removal. Wow, now I imagine if it's at the hospital, it's a lot easier because you can just wheel them out, right? Yeah, I mean, the beds move up and down as... Unless they died in like the hospital cafeteria, but that would be rarely rare, I would think. That would be a rare one, yeah.

Unless the food in the cafeteria is really that bad. Listen, I should just let this whole line of questioning go. What I want to know is, you must see some pretty crazy things. Like, you know, someone died and they were on one of those mechanical bucking broncos or something. You have to try and figure out a way to get them off. Do you ever see something like that? Is the bucking bronch still going?

Yeah, it's still going, but it's going very slowly. Oh, okay. Slow down. Yeah. I think I would, at that point, just let them go until the ride's over. I, that's a, you know what? That's a humane way to look at it.

Any strange situations, have you learned anything? What's the etiquette of retrieving a body? We're moving about. So etiquette is, is etiquette is delicate. And like I said, I work in, in the same area that I'm a police officer and so, Andrew up and so, everybody, not everybody, but a lot of people know me.

And so, I mean, I walk in somebody's house at midnight and they're, they're grandma past and they see me and they're like, oh, hey, it's Bill. So, everything's usually quiet and very calming hugs and you know. No, that's nice. Stuff like that. That's nice that they know you. That's nice that.

And also you seem like a sensitive person. You're not going to go in there and go, you know, man, they let themselves go. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm shocked that sweater didn't kill her years ago. She wore that? You know, that kind of thing. It seems like there would be a lot of opportunity for some of that to have jokes, but yeah,

you just kind of, you know, tilt your hat down and go in and just be peaceful. That's very nice of you. Bill, better you than I, because I think I'd probably end up saying stuff, you know. Oh, yeah. I can see that. Well, you know, I think I'm a sensitive person, but occasionally it would slip out. Man, you know, be nice. There are times when this guy diited before he, you know what I mean?

You would have to drink wine before you pick up everybody, because you're the nicest person after you have wine. Oh, I am very nice. So you just super sweet. I've come in all slosh. Oh, I'm so sad. Oh, it's a wonderful home. They look so peaceful. Listen, it's a very serious thing that you do. I mean, I'm thinking about you right now, Bill, because

I'm talking to you. That's one of the reasons I'm thinking about you. But second, I'm thinking about you because I'm thinking about your service. You've worked all these years helping your community as in this canine unit. And then you're doing this job that probably not a lot of people want to do and you're doing it with a lot of respect. I, my hat's off to you. Well, thank you, sir. I appreciate that. Well, thank you for calling me, sir, the first person to do that in a while.

I don't get a lot, I don't get a lot of respect around here, Bill. No idea why. No, he should it. Yeah. Hey, he should it. He should. Hey, is it too late? I have a golden retriever named Loki. And he's six years old, and I think he's ADD.

I think he's ADD. He's pretty crazy. And I mean, he's insane. He's insane. And he, he housed like a coyote for no reason. Like I'll just come in in the morning, he goes, oh, and he's, he has ADD, follows me all over the house. He's constantly getting into trouble.

Is there any chance that he could become a police dog at six? You know, I don't know if he could become a police dog, but he could become a well-trained dog and six is not a problem. Six really? You think you could make a real dog out of Loki? No. You've met Loki. I've met Loki.

Loki, I don't, I think he might be untrainable. Something's off with Loki and we've tried. He's very smart, but he just doesn't, I don't know. He's, I think if you took an MRI of his head, did be, you know, two walnuts in there, some chewing gum in a butterfly floating around. I think he's got a screw loose. He's nuts. No, no dog is beyond repair. They can all, they can all get some help. But the thing is, it's got to be consistent. I mean, you can't, like, I'll see civilians take their dogs to the kennel where we trained at.

And they think everything's great. They get their dogs for their two-week puppy class and they come home and they don't train your dog at all. And then the dog falls off and, you know. That's the problem. Is we got some Loki some training early on. I do think Loki has issues like real brain. I think he's crazy.

Oh, no, I mean, real, but I love him, but he's quite an unusual dog, very strange. But yeah, I don't think there's a lot of consistency. You know, we say things like, no, no, you have to sit while we're eating dinner, but then sometimes we sit him up at the table with us. And we let him carve the turkey. It's just a mess.

And I think he, so he doesn't understand, you know? And then we get mad. The next time we come in and he's carving a turkey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's- You're reinforcing that behavior. That's on you. Yeah, that's probably on me.

Yep, well, exercise and training. Is that for me or for the dog? Oh, for both, Bill, I very much would love for you to turn my dog into a police dog at six, a six year old insane golden retriever with ADD. It's probably not going to happen, but I still think there's time for him. I'd love to see him become a police dog. I really would because do they get paid? They don't get paid. Oh, okay. Oh, they get their food. Okay. Well, that's something. I was going to try and skim some of his

salary. Oh, you're just going to exploit Loki. I would love to embezzle from my dog. I think that's such a funny crime. If my dog is in a least dog and I was in, he got a paycheck and I embezzled from it. Yeah. I would people would hate me. Yeah. That's the lowest of the low. Well, and then he goes to buy a house and then he doesn't have any money. And he's like,

ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. And the judge is like, I can't understand you, case dismissed. And I'm like, yeah, judge, I don't know what his problem is. Well, back to my seven homes. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh like a really nice person. I know if I was in trouble, I wouldn't you feel good if you were in some bad situation and then Bill showed up at your door. Yeah. And he had, you know, Honda with him. I just feel like, oh, this is, it's gonna be okay.

If you die and you need your body to be removed. Yes. Yeah, I would want Bill to do that too. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm gonna have Bill take care of you when your time comes. Oh, okay, you too. And I hope it's embarrassing when you die.

Like, I hope you're on the toilet. Okay. Hey, what if I'm on the toilet in a Halloween costume? And Bill, it's not Halloween. Would you spread the word or would you keep it under your hat? I have the utmost respect for you, Conor, and I would take it to migrate.

Good, okay, because when my time comes, you're going to, they're going to, uh, son is going to be in charge. She's going to send for you. Yeah. And I'm going to be on the toilet wearing a very strange costume. Uh-huh. And you're going to have to take care of it. And I don't want it getting out. Okay. You've got it. Okay. Well, I'm going to tell you. Yeah. I was going to say, we're going to spread the word. And it's not gonna be one costume. It's gonna be like, I'm part ghost buster, but also part werewolf. But it's not Halloween. But it's not Halloween.

Okay, all right. It's like late February. Hey Bill, it was very cool talking to you. Very cool talking to you. Yeah, be safe, take care, and take good care of Hondo. I will. All right, Bye, Honda say bye buddy You just laying there staring at us. Oh, you know what? That's that's the appropriate response on though Honda just retired from the force. He's like, I don't need this shit right now

All right, take care, Bill. Bye-bye See you guys. Conan O'Brien needs a friend, with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Your Wolf. Themesong by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair

and our Associate Talent Producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Con. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847

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