Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Tig Notaro

Episode Date: April 22, 2019

Comedian Tig Notaro feels glad about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.Tig and Conan sit down this week to discuss the hilarity of crashing and burning onstage, vacationing with rock stars, wearing a nightcap, playing Vegas, and drawing Civil War portraits. Later, executive producer Adam Sachs weighs in on the dos and don’ts of casual schmoozing with guests.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.This episode is sponsored by Hulu's Ramy, Mizzen+Main (www.comfortable.af code: CONAN), Hair Club (www.hairclub.com/CONAN), HelloFresh (www.hellofresh.com/conan80 code: CONAN80), Article (www.article.com/CONAN), State Farm (1-800-STATE-FARM), and MeUndies (www.meundies.com/CONAN).

Hi, my name is Tig Notaro, and I feel glad about being Conan O'Brien's friend. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there, and welcome to another episode of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. This, of course, the podcast where I, Conan O'Brien, try to use the medium of podcastry. Is that a word? The medium of podcastry to force people to be my friends. And so far, it's kind of working. Getting a lot of people in here and having great conversations. And of course, I'm aided as always by my assistant, Sona Movesesian. Is that the correct pronunciation? It is. Yeah, it's good.

It's Armenian. It's, yeah, very Armenian. Very Armenian. Sona and Movesesian are actually, Sona's Hindi for gold. Well, you are gold, Sona. You are gold. I'm waiting. I always wait. Every time you compliment me, I wait. You are gold. You fluctuate and value wildly. There you go. There it is. There it is.

And of course, Matt Gorley is here. Hey, Matt. Hey, how are you? Pretty good. Haven't seen you in a little bit. You seem relaxed. You're wearing a t-shirt today. I think I've never seen you in a t-shirt before. You're usually a little more dressed up. You're in a t-shirt as well. Yeah, I wasn't criticizing you. No, I'm not. I'm saying we're alike. Why are you crying? Just relax. It's all good.

Anyway, you look very relaxed and calm. Hey, buddy. You're fired. Before we go any further, I do want to mention this. If you like this podcast, you can do more than just listen to it. You can wear it on your body. That's right. We got swag. Sona, did you know this? We got swag now. I did know this. I saw it. Did you see it?

Conan O'Brien needs a friend t-shirt. It's a nice t-shirt. And everybody could use a t-shirt and it has my name on it. I can't wear it. When I wear stuff with my name on it, people think I've gone insane. Is my name on it? It was, but I got it taken off. Oh, God. Yeah, you scissors on each pair. Anyway, it's a nice t-shirt and it's available now on podswag.com slash Conan.

podswag.com slash Conan. And hey, if this takes off, there'll be other stuff. There'll be Conan corrective arches, Conan water purifiers, Conan O'Brien needs a friend, dental dams. These are all things that we're going to offer. So cool. What? Do you mean that? Are you being sarcastic? I'm being so sarcastic. Yeah, I almost blew out the mic.

podswag.com slash Conan. Wear this podcast. I'm excited because today we are talking to someone I really admire and respect, Tig Notaro. Since the first time she came on my show, I've just thought she's got one of the most unique approaches to comedy out there. She's got a very individualized voice. There's no one else like her and I really, I think she's very brave too. She takes a lot of chances in her comedy and I'm saying all this because she's here and I want to embarrass her. Tig, thank you for being here.

That's the longest pause recorded in the history of podcasts. You haven't heard me on other podcasts. I've done some pretty monumental pausing. Really? Is there going to be some long pausing in here today? Well. That was pretty good right there. You, um... We'll see.

I calculate you burn about two calories a year. Walking to the studio from the front door, what I thought was the studio, into your podcast studio. I'm certain I burned many a calorie walking here. Yes, we should come clean. We're in the Warner Brothers studio, but people walk into the giant studio which houses the television show, but then you keep walking and walking and walking and then you have to walk for about 10 minutes to get here. No, I know. I did it. Yeah, I know. You told me you did it and then I responded to it.

10,000 steps into getting here. What do you think of my statement take? A hilarious person, I've admired your comedy style the first time I saw you, but you have, and not but you have, and you have, you have nerves of steel. You will risk anything. You are not afraid to completely go with almost zero energy sometimes, almost next to no energy at all, and just use the power of your thoughts to make people really laugh very hard. I don't have that kind of courage.

I have to use my body the way a clown would. That's courageous. No, it really isn't. It's what I call a last resort. The first time you came on our show, I think you just pushed a stool back and forth to get the noise of the stool, and when I heard that you were going to do try something like that, I thought there's a 98% chance that this just won't work.

Do you know what my one regret was that day? Was that I didn't do it the entire time that I was on the show because I opened with some jokes, and that was me being a coward. Oh, so you did actually show a little bit of fear. Is that what you're saying? Well, I just, I think that it wasn't even fear. It was just, that was like the set that I'd put together.

I was like, oh, these jokes, and then I'll end with pushing a stool around for a few minutes. And then as my big closer… Yeah, listen to what you just said. You just said, I'll do some jokes, and then I'll go to my surefire. I will push a stool around in front of people, and the joke was just the noise kind of that the stool made, and just the nerve.

I think it was the nerve of what you're doing, and the stool did make kind of a funny sound as you pushed it. When you started to do it, my heart was in my mouth because I thought… I'm in love. I'm in love, and I know this woman's in love with me. I have no doubt that she's attracted to me. Yeah, and I think that's a special kind of person,

especially in comedy, comedians, and I put myself in this category, there's a neediness, no matter how much we try to get away from the neediness. And you seem very unique, and this is a compliment. I don't see the neediness at all. I don't see it. So how does that work? Well, I don't know how it works, but I don't feel needy.

I mean, of course there's hints of neediness. I mean, I'm on stage, but I also feel like I've become more comfortable and confident, and now I want to do a great job when I am performing. And I know that when I started out and I was doing the road, and I was going through middle America, and sometimes people would come up to me and just be like, oh, thank you so much.

We've been saving up our money for a babysitter and to go out to eat, and this was just such a fun night. And it was a… I remember it really hit me like, oh, right, there are some people that don't have the luxury of just going out whenever they want, whether it's for financial reasons or getting a babysitter. And that kind of motivated me. You have to do a great job every time you get on stage

because there could be somebody that saved their money to go see you, and you did a terrible job. But I also just think that in the bigger picture of life, of looking at what we're all doing and what I'm doing in that moment, it's hilarious. Even if I'm bombing sometimes, I think it's kind of amusing. Even though I want to do a good job and get the crowd back, when I was preparing for my special a couple of years ago,

I went to a club in Florida and there was a poster promoting my appearance that said, Tignotaro from Garfunkel & Oats. And I was like, oh my god, this is so amazing. This is a show on IFC. They got canceled after one season that my friends had me on, one episode briefly. So you had appeared on Garfunkel & Oats.

I had as a guest star so briefly. And I was like, that means that probably whoever was making this poster was so unfamiliar with me that they Googled me and that was what their eyeballs saw somewhere. So they just put that as my credit. And then I went in and proceeded to have the worst show of my career in years. Describe, there's a silence.

It was quiet? Yes, sir. Very quiet. That was what indicated. We're getting this down for the record. It was a crime scene. It was so hilariously bad for where I was in my career. I don't feel like I bombed that terribly anymore. And I was trying to do theaters and clubs and colleges

and living rooms and whoever would take me to just really work out this material. And here I was in a comedy club in Florida and nothing was working. And I finally was just like, I just started laughing in the middle of myself. I was flown here to do this show. And they're paying me money.

I normally even do bigger venues than this. And it usually goes well. And nothing I'm saying is registering with this entire room. That is at least funny too, right? I was like, that has to be funny. Did they like that? They were kind of looking at me like, yeah, I guess that is kind of funny.

And then I got off stage and I went and sat down with this couple that was sitting in the front row at their table. And I was like, what is happening? You guys collectively are baffled by me. And once I started talking to this couple in the front row, I think there was a collective response of like, yeah, this is funny.

This isn't going well. And we were just all sitting in that moment talking about where I was like, what do you think? Do you want more energy? Do you wish I was more vulgar? And we were just kind of having this open discussion within the... It became like a town hall meeting about your comedy.

Yeah. And I was sitting at the table with somebody. I just abandoned the stage. And I was just like, what can we do to make this better? Because I am not... Like a focus group. Yeah. I was like, I'm not what you're looking for.

This is fantastic. And so after a certain point, everybody, it kind of turned the ship around. And they were on my side. And then I went back on stage. And then I started performing again. And I somehow made sense to them. And I was able to leave the show with some dignity.

But I think that I just have that feeling of, it's really not a big deal, whatever happens. They do feel like everything's ultimately okay. I don't think you could have done that if it was your first night up there. No. This took... This is the fact that you knew yourself.

You knew you had something to offer and you were getting a completely different reading that enabled you to go down and say like, let's talk about this. Yeah. But there's also... I have it on film this very early in my first year of stand-up. I was doing an open mic at a coffee shop

and my friend Derek had come to videotape me. I think probably because I had told him that I was making some progress and things are going well with my material. And so he came down and he was filming me. And nobody was laughing except Derek in this high-pitched, hysterical fit of laughter because nobody was laughing at me.

And that was the first time I experienced that moment of like, this is hilarious. Nobody. Nobody thinks what I'm saying is funny. And it amused me. And on stage, I just... I started genuinely laughing because... And I felt comfortable in it.

But again, I'm not anti-comedy. Like I'm not... Right, right. I don't want to make people miserable, but I do think some people think some things I do can be considered anti-comedy. But I really... I want people to laugh.

I want people to have a good time. You want to be an entertainer, not a performance artist who alienates the crowd. But I do know that there are times when I have alienated crowds and they're like, don't think it's funny, not for me. And I don't blame them one bit. My goal is to make everybody laugh.

And I have to say, I think it's odd that you feel like you don't... You're... Whatever you said about... I don't know, did you say clown suit for yourself? To me... No one ever said clown, you just said that. That was cool. I think I did say.

To me, whatever that is about your personality, you have the epitome of the off-kilter delivery and way and sensibility that it's like, I want to play with that. That's cool. I just will admit, being 100% honest, I always want people to be happy when they leave. And I want the show to be funny

and I don't want to let anybody down. And so, and my wife is always... Or anyone who's with me is always commenting on when I'm out in the world, I will go entertain other tables in a restaurant. And that's where... We're different. Yes, that's where the neediness comes in.

We are different. I don't see you doing that. I'm just as happy making a table full of people at a restaurant, at an Italian restaurant. Laugh really hard as I am if it's happening on my show. And that baffles my children and my wife. They don't understand. Well, where I confuse my wife is when I get acting jobs

or anywhere I'm working, I love connecting with people and finding my buddies and having a good time. And that's solely the reason why I take jobs is if it sounds fun, I want to go, oh, I want to go do that or be around that person. And Stephanie laughs at me. I mean, I'm the person that's solely there to make friends.

And I'm not there to forward my career in any way. I'm not there to do anything. And I call her from set and I'm like, oh, my gosh. I had the best time with Matt Gorley. We were doing this bit where... You lost me and I had the best time with Matt Gorley. Hey, take it easy, clown duck. He was the closest to me.

I don't feel that with Matt, of course. But yeah, when I'm on sets, I'm like, I cannot wait to have the best time of my life. And she's like, oh, my God, I cannot believe what a nerd you are out there making friends. Sometimes I feel the need to play up that my day was harder than it actually was when I come home. I can't hide it.

Because I want my wife who, you know, she's working really hard on her projects and she's also working hard doing so much work with the kids. And then I come home and sometimes I put a little English on the ball. And I'd be like, oh, no, we had to do the show. And then we had this podcast. It's like, well, no, one of your favorite people came over and you just talked about comedy.

You talked about your clown suit. My clown suit, yeah, exactly. It's a very good sound, by the way. It's my clown horn. Can you do that again? No. Please. I only had one in me.

Jesus. That's fantastic. You are a very needy performer. See, look at that. She has no, I'm telling you now, she has no device. TIG is making that noise and that reveals you to be, you're going to be playing Vegas in two years. Sometimes I close my shows with the clown horn for 20 minutes.

And then I make fun of grown men that are like, do it again, do it one more time. I'm like, sir, all right. And then we just, we laugh. I love it. I'm just delighted by it, the same amount every time, which seems strange. That seems a sign of low intelligence on my part.

Can you try it? Let me hear it one more time. Whoa. That's good. That's not bad, right? No. That was bad. That one was.

You're getting worse. It's getting worse. I have to hear you do it. Let's take a break and then not go to commercial. It's time for commercial. No, no, no. I still have things that I want to talk about. I understand.

We're going to go. Matt and I went and saw Journey and Def Leppard together. We did. Why? What do you mean why? Why? Because it's there. Because do you take sugar one lump or two?

One lump or two. My favorite line in a rock and roll song. You know what my favorite line is? Bachman Turner overdrive. BTO. BTO says you can, you know, you can get a guitar and you might go far. If you fall in with the right group of fellows. I love that.

It's supposed to be the hardest rocking song. Taking care of business, you know, and. TCB by BTO. Exactly. And then they say, you know, you can get a guitar and you might go far. If you fall in with the right bunch of fellows. What? Suddenly they became your elderly aunt.

Who's saying you might go far and rock and roll if you fall in with some nice fellows. It's just one word that completely ruins the whole song. And I'm sorry. But BTO. Do you take sugar one lump or two? Well, thank you, Joe Elliott. I'll take two. So you like it when rock and roll, hard driving, almost heavy metal rock and roll has.

Could also be your elderly aunt. Yes. Offering you. He looks like an elderly aunt to this point. Oh, he really does. Is this a Def Leppard or? Yeah, Joe Elliott. Yeah.

Let's take it easy. Listen, you don't want to upset me, all right? I spent a vacation once with the drummer for Def Leppard. Rick Allen? Yeah. Oh my God. My girlfriend at the time and I as many, many years ago were on an island and. Rick Allen?

You know it was Rick Allen. There's no other drummer for Def Leppard. Well, also can we be frank here? He's the one armed drummer. Yeah. And immediately saw him and I was like, wow, that's the drummer for Def Leppard. Yeah. Rick Allen?

Yeah. Yes, Rick Allen. Anyway, I got to know him and his girlfriend. I think his wife at the time. Rick Allen? Yeah. When you, this is going to give people epilepsy this episode. I spent a lot of time on that island with that guy because there was nowhere to go.

Rick Allen? And got to know him and his wife really well. And then. You said girlfriend. I think it was girlfriend or wife. I don't recall. Well, maybe they got married on the island. No, they didn't.

Rick Allen? From Def Leppard? The one. Oh God. Listen. Are you still in touch with him? Well, no, because afterwards, I think, and I have to be careful about what I say here because I want to get, you know, in legal trouble of some kind, but very shortly after

he left. It would be amazing if you were in court against Def Leppard. Yeah. And to be on that jury. To be on that jury. Conan O'Brien versus the Def Leppard drummer. Yeah. Rick Allen.

Yes, I know. I'm not going to say it. So we spent a long time on this island and then. So I sort of got to know both of them more than I thought I wanted to or I'll be honest, more than I wanted to. And then weeks after leaving the island, I read in the paper that he dragged her through like an airport by the hair. Oh no.

Was it then? That was his wife. And this was just after getting to know them. So I decided not to get to know him better. Oh yeah. That's not what you were looking for in a friend. And then he did that, but he has one arm and he was doing that. I'll cut that, but that's just, oh man.

What? Can you keep that in? Why would you cut that? Why would you cut that? Just the image of that kind of abuse, but the fact that he's doing that with one arm also is such a strange vision. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, we're in Rocky Shoals. I'll be honest. We're talking about domestic abuse. We're talking about. And laughing about it. Well, I'm not laughing. I think Sona's laughing. You're smiling really big.

No, that's not a smile. That's gas. I take domestic abuse very seriously. Be it with. Have we come back from the cut? We didn't. We didn't. I don't even know what's being cut here.

All right. Here we go. We don't have the money to cut these things. And you're on. Yep. We're going to take a quick break. We may not come back. I'm not sure, but we'll be back very soon.

Or will we? Here we go. With the break. Take, we're back. Hi. How's it going? Good. So much to talk about.

What I do is I'm a bit of a zealot. I click into the energy of the person I'm with. And I kind of match it. So when Gallagher was here on the podcast and he was smashing things, I was very hyperkinetic. When Carrot Top was here, I was all over the place. You know, he's been here for six episodes in a row. I was, you know. Uninvited.

Exactly. Yeah. He just, we actually put a door in so how he can't get in. And we sprayed the place with germs because he's a germaphobe. But I match their energies, but today I'm matching your energy. And I find, do you think that I'm a matching tag a little bit? Yeah. I'm very low.

I'm very low. You're really chill. I'm really chill. Have I bummed you out? You haven't at all. No, no, you haven't bummed me out. I just don't want to look like a fool by having my energy go up high like any great jazz musician. And I am a great jazz musician.

I like to find the energy of my partner in jazz. And then... See, we just made that happen together. That's TIG, and then I come in. Is this an instrument or your human voice instrument that you're doing? That's just my voice. That's me scatting. Oh, right, right, right.

Remember? Yeah. Now, if it's Gerald scatting. Yeah. I am an incredible... It's happening. Person. I'm an incredible person.

I'm a historic figure. And I think that I am matching your energy right now. And like I said, you are very self-contained. I'm going to tell a story about TIG. Not long ago, I went on a tour, and before I went on the tour to do some comedy stylings, I wanted to try out my material in front of nice audiences. Very kindly invited me to come into her show, the show that you do at Largo. Every month.

Every month. And so I said... I'm down there making clown horns. Clown horn noises. And then the crowd, standing ovation, and then they all file out just like, wow. Yeah, that was incredible. She did it again. You invited me to come along.

I was backstage waiting to go on, and you opened the show. You don't even go out on stage. This is how cool a customer, and no one says that anymore, but they should. This is how cool a customer TIG is. You're backstage with a mic, and you open the whole show, and you're not even on stage. They can't see you, and you're just talking, and you were destroying. And I thought, you actually never really have to go out there. You could have just stayed backstage the whole time.

That was like a magic trick. Thank you. I started doing it a couple of years ago. But I like to have only one performer before me, after I got married and had kids. And I just was kind of winding down the hanging out in comedy clubs every night. I wanted to start really utilizing my time on stage at Largo. So I just have one opener that does anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes. And then I get to it, get off stage, get home by 9, brush my teeth.

Right. You want to just spend more time. Wash my face. You want to just spend. Get in bed. Brush your teeth after you wash your face. Why? I don't like the order.

See, I like to brush my teeth, and then if I get toothpaste on my face, I can wash it right off. Just wipe it off of the towel really quickly. No, right. I'll try that tonight. You wash your face first. It opens the pores. It's calming. And then you brush the teeth, and your pajamas should already be on by that point.

That's the first step. Okay. My nightgown. Nightgown. I know. You didn't picture it. No, I didn't. I pictured you in pajamas.

No. I wear a long nightgown. One that I have to lift up slightly so I don't trip on it. Do you also wear a night cap? I don't. You'd think I do. But I lift my little nightgown a little, and then I walk over, I blow the candle out. And then I have to walk back across the room in darkness and hope I don't trip over the cat when I get in bed.

Have you ever heard a noise in the night? Lift the candle and with your nightgown, and if you'll permit me the image, your nightcap. And gone looking through the house. Of course. And gone down a long-stair case and found a rogue mouse with a piece of cheese and scolded it. Yes. And then gone back up to your bed. Thank you.

I just wanted to picture that. I don't want to get in trouble for this, but my wife's father, a lovely man, wears a Dickensian nightcap when he goes to sleep. And I've seen him come out of the bedroom to investigate a noise or to use the restroom, and he's wearing a nightcap that... I'm having a great time. He's wearing a nightcap. That's what you're looking for in a podcast. Yeah. Someone did say that.

But he's wearing a nightcap that Scrooge wears when the ghosts come. Did you just check that off on your list of things to ask or tell me? No, I wrote Scrooge. I don't even know why I wrote Scrooge. But yes, and I don't want to sell him out because he's a lovely guy, and I really... Oh, God, but he does. He wears a nightcap and people need to know it. And I needed to get that out there.

Well, hopefully nobody listens to this podcast. He listens to this podcast. He's your one subscriber. He is the one guy listening. Yeah, I don't... Right now, out of shame, he's pulling the nightcap over his eyes and over his face and hiding. Over his whole body? Over his whole body.

It's now a body condom. Yeah, I don't really wear a nightgown. I didn't think you did. No. I've been doing a bit onstage lately where when I get to the part of me in bed, I mention that I'm in a nightgown and I feel the audience a little confused and then I have to let them know that it's okay. I know what they're feeling.

You let them know that you understand there's a disconnect. Yeah, I don't really wear a nightgown. And then there's a... I'm disappointed to be honest. You're disappointed? Yeah. You're a very... Weird man.

You want us all in nightgowns all the time. Yeah, I would like that. I think you do well to picture everyone in a nightgown. You're a creep just through and through. I'm not a creep. You kind of are. You've got a creepy side to it. I'm going to crack it at some point.

Bring it on. Let me ask you, you had this huge... You and Stephanie have these children. Are you talking to me or Matt? I was looking at Matt but talking to you. That's my interviewing style. Okay. That's interesting.

I find that I get more honest answers out of people. Right now, I'm not looking at Tig. I'm looking away from Tig, but I'm talking to Tig. And I'm curious, you and Stephanie have these two children. We do. Matt? No, Matt. I'm not talking to you.

I'm just looking at you as I talk to you. Okay. Is this something where when you talk about them in your comedy, do you ever feel guilty? I get this hitch now when I talk about people. If I have an idea about my kids or something, I get this little hitch. Can I talk about that?

Can I talk about my kids? Or do you just go for it? It's a new thing that I'm thinking about because I didn't think about it at all. I just looked at everything as, well, yeah, if it happens, I'll talk about it. And my parents didn't edit me and I would share certain stuff on stage that my mother used to move the air from one cheek to the other back to the other. She was uncomfortable with something.

I would say, you're uncomfortable with what I just said. And she would be like, no, I'm not. And then she'd move the air back and forth, cheek to cheek. And I was like, you're moving air from, and she's like, oh, yeah, I guess I'm a little uncomfortable. But she didn't want to ever edit me. And I think being raised that way of like, do what you want, think what you want, say what you want.

I just kind of did it. We've both known comedians that I've had over the year as many comics come on and they'll just tear apart their kids. It was almost like a school of comedy. My kids are so stupid. They're dicks. I wish they'd die. Wouldn't it be great if kids died?

And then afterwards, sometimes I'll see them go out in the hallway and their kids are there. They're like, how was it? And the kids are like, it was good. And I think, wow, even when the material is really solid, I question that. I question, how do you separate that? How are you able to, you know what I mean?

My material is nothing like that. I don't know if you're familiar with me. I've seen you do a lot of stuff like, yeah, fuck them and stupid Italians. I mean, it's very, you know what I mean? You have a whole chunks that are just like, stupid Italians. Look at those fat kids. I see some fat kids. Yeah.

And then, you know, that whole time in your career, you're just going, yeah, fat people. What's the deal? Well, speaking of fat people. Here she goes again with one of her patented cruel routines. My son, and here I am sharing information, but we have an au pair from Scotland. And he is just this remarkable man.

He's so beyond his years. He's 26. He's a triathlete. He's vegan. He's a thoughtful person. He's writing a book. He's just, he's so wonderful. And he walked out of the room the other day.

And my son, Max said, there goes big old fat Andy. Stephanie and I were like, first of all, he's a triathlete. And second of all, nobody in our house has ever, ever said anything like that about anyone. Yeah. And truly, where did he get that? Right. And then Andy was going to the gym the other night.

He was like, stinky Andy. Where is this coming from? Wow. Yeah. Don Rickles passed. His spirit must have gone somewhere. Probably around this. I think he passed away some time around the time that your children were born.

So there you go. Was that an example of like, should I be sharing that about? That's harmless. Yeah. I feel like everything that I've shared about my kids is pretty harmless. Yeah. But I still do feel, I don't want to embarrass them. I want them to think I'm cool.

Actually, the first time in my life, I really cared about what someone thinks about me is Stephanie and my kids. Yeah. That's appropriate. But it's something unfamiliar to me. I of course want people to like me, but not to this level of I really care. I really care. And I'm amused that I'm in this situation where I care that much.

I've been on the new Star Trek series. I know. And so I tell the boys that I work on a spaceship, a space rocket. And so that's what they think I do. You are, and I've told you this, you are the last person in the world I would have picked to be in a sci-fi action series. I didn't pick to be in that. They picked you. They picked me.

Have you seen a picture of me in my suit? Yes, I have. It makes sense when you see me in my suit. Yes. But. I feel like that is true. I didn't see this coming. I didn't think it made sense.

I thought that. I think it'd be great if this was your plan all along. To end up on Star Trek. I'm going to do this particular act that I do and I'm going to get this following. And then I'm going to get a conventional Star Trek series. The comedy has sent me to outer space. Yeah. I don't know if that's good or bad.

Those are the best things when you just don't know. I've had many things in my career, you know, Nobel Peace Prize and various accolades and awards that I didn't see coming. Sure. A lot of my career has been a mystery to me and I think to many people around me. Okay. You okay? What's the matter with you? Nothing.

You looked at me like you wanted me to say something. I wanted a approval. I was just like, okay. I wanted approval. Well, you have to. There. You're back. You just needed to take a break from the clown horn.

Okay. Do you think you could ever play Vegas? I love the idea of you in a room at Vegas having a residency. Have you played Vegas? I have and I actually have a story on my HBO special about my Vegas experience. Okay. What happened was I was opening for a comedian. It wasn't going great.

And in between the early and late show, I just stayed in the venue in a back corner table. And my agent called me and said, hey, the venue was thinking it was kind of weird that you just hang out at that. What a sad phone call. Yeah. And asked if you could please leave between the early and late show. And I was like, oh, how embarrassing. So on top of not doing well while I was doing shows, they've made a call to ask me to please stop hanging out between shows. They want you out of the theater.

Yeah. And so there was an ice cream shop. I go have an ice cream between the early and late show and sit in the ice cream shop and spend my time there and then go back and do the late show. And after each show, you were expected to hang out and shake hands with the audience. And so I would do that. And one night, I went back to my hotel room. Also, the end of the week, it was the end of the week and I had gone to get paid by the guy that had booked me. And he wrote me a check and then I left and went back to my hotel room.

And I hung out in my room, checked my email, whatever. And then I went in to brush my teeth and wash my face in that order. I hope so. And when I looked at myself in the mirror, I had a chocolate ice cream mustache. And I was, I could not believe what I was seeing. It wasn't like subtle. It wasn't subtle. And so I was like, oh my God, oh my God, no.

And then I started laughing hysterically because I realized I had done an entire show with an ice cream mustache and shook hands with people and then went and sat and got paid by the guy that had asked me to please go find something else to do. As I sat there waiting for him to write me the check. And then sat in my hotel room, just checking emails from the chocolate mustache for like an hour. So you're saying Vegas. So no more Vegas for you. Vegas has not, I don't think it's my place, you know. It's very, yeah.

I don't think it's just a strange experience. I've had really good experiences there, but I've also felt like why am I here? It can feel kind of antiseptic. Like it's not a real thing happening. Do you know what I mean? But yeah, I also find the fact that everyone there is doing something that I actively loathe, which is gambling. I just don't care about gambling. Everybody goes there to gamble.

I mean, Sona, you've gone to Vegas. I love Vegas. You love Vegas. I do. I'm sorry. Don't be sorry. I've never not had fun in Vegas. I've always had a really great time.

I went to see Cher with my mom and my best friend and her mom. Well, that sounds fun. And we had the best weekend. But even nights where I would, I mean, I would go there. I would do U-turns with my friends. That was fun. What is U-turns? I'm glad you asked.

Why don't you explain? Because you've done quite a lot of U-turns in your day. Yeah, I haven't done quite. I've done like a few. You get a lot. You drive out to Vegas. You don't have a hotel room. You just party all night and then go to Denny's and then drive back the next morning.

And it's a U-turn. Yeah. That is horrendous. Yeah. No, this is something Sona did. She was very, very young at the time. It was about two years ago. Are you one of the people walking around with a big plastic drink?

No, no. But I am one of those people who is, you know, going to, I used to be when I would go to the clubs and bars and stuff and then just party all night. It was fun. Did you used to change out of your evening dress in the parking lot? Into a nightgown. Into a car. Into a nightgown.

Are you a big drinker? I used to be, you know, I used to party. Sure. I feel like that's what that is. I'm not a big drinker. So to me, it's like all night and then Denny's and drive home. I don't understand. It sounds like a punishment.

Yeah. It sounds like you have stolen army secrets. We could send you to Guantanamo or we could make you go to Vegas, stay up all night. Your turn. And then do a, you know, change in the parking lot, go to Denny's and drive home. I don't know which one I would take. I presented an award at the Grammys one year and they gave me a package and it was a weekend in Vegas.

Um, Stephanie and I went in the early days of our relationship. We got a penthouse there and it looked like Motley crew had been partying and having sex in there for a decade and then they handed it over to us. It was so like so gross and we got, we had to, we got tickets to free shows and it was the Jacksons without Michael. It was meatloaf with meatloaf and it'd be great if it was meatloaf without meatloaf. It was, I was lying in bed in our hotel room thoroughly grossed out, really struggling with some germ issues of mine and I didn't want to reveal to Stephanie that I was so

lame, but I wanted to go home and I just wanted to lie in bed in my clothes and not brush my teeth and wash my face in that order and just go to bed. And I said, Hey, do you think tomorrow after our house of blues brunch, we could just head back to Vegas and she was like, Oh yeah. And I thought she was going to be like, no, I want to stay for the ridiculous low rent Vegas weekend. The Grammys gifted us, but she was like, no, let's head back. And I was like, really?

I was like, what about, what if we just left now? What if we just, she was like, yeah, that sounds good too. And it was like. So you married the right person. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want to have a good time in Vegas.

Yeah. And I'm hoping whoever hears this will gift us a nice time in Vegas. Yeah. I feel like we're about to take a break. We're not going to take a break. We're going to do. There's one to talk about the Civil War. Oh.

You prepared for this, right? Yeah. You were told. Well, I used to draw Civil War portraits as a child. Is that true? Yeah. I just said Civil War at random. No.

I was. This is my. Talent. Talent. Thank you. I was obsessed with the, with the Civil War portraits when I was nine and like a little girl, like most little girls. So instead of, that's what little girls do is they draw iconic Civil War generals.

Who did you draw? Anybody and everybody. I just loved the big mustache and I just loved how intense and seriously were. I was just, you know, I also carried a briefcase full of Star Wars action figures. What? Yeah. You heard me. Yeah, I heard you.

No, I heard you. So you drew. That's a big. Nine year old girl drawing Long Street, Grant, Lee, Mead, Burnside, Brains Hallock, you know, drawing these Civil War generals portraits and then carrying around a briefcase filled with Star Wars action figures. So you're Boba Fett, you're half north. Yes.

No, that's no. It was dripped, dripped half. No. No. Gloop. No. No. But the other ones.

Yeah. Sarth Bith. No. Farth Dath. No. It's such a popular thing. It's actually hard to make up wrong ones, but I'm doing it consistently. Well, people always tell me my name sounds like a Star Wars action figure.

It does. Yeah. There's Star Wars. It does. Yeah. Take Natara's leading, leading the rebellion. Meanwhile in Star Trek. Yeah.

And you're in Star Trek. Can I ask you something? Was it like a businessman's briefcase or that carrying case that they made that was a briefcase? It was a businessman. It was my stepfathers. He was getting rid of his briefcase and I was like, wait, you're getting rid of that? I've got Star Wars business to do. Can I have that?

And so I carried my pencils and notebook paper for class, but also my Star Wars action figures and I thought it was the greatest thing. I sat down at my desk and opened it up and I can't even imagine what my teacher- I know I'm not your soulmate, but you're my soulmate. No, I think you might be my soulmate. Maybe. Yeah. Wait, were you also into the Civil War?

Yeah. Well, I have drawn Civil War stuff, but I was like a World War II guy more. That's hilarious. Yeah. Can we do a podcast called Soulmates? Oh, let's do it. I mean, there's- How about right now?

Yeah. Let's do it. We're going to Soulmates with Tig and Matt. So which did you- I was like, do you- I was like, I don't know. He's like, hey, sorry. It's okay.

Oh my gosh, our wives are not going to want to hear this. No, they're not. They've already got issues, I think. Yeah. I feel a responsibility to get this thing back under control. This is wildly off track. I feel it's drifted. It's become unprofessional and this is my podcast.

Yeah, I understand that. I have to take control. Yeah. We're going to get started in a second. I'm turning this into my own podcast. Very nice. Yeah. Do you camp?

Yes. I'm a very good camper. Are you? No, I'm not. A good camper. I'm a good camper. Anyone who says I'm a very good camper has never gone camping. So no, I'm not a good camper.

We're happy campers. That's what an elderly aunt would also say, to go back to your elderly aunt. And if you get a guitar, you just might go far if you fall in with the right group of fellows. Rick Allen. All right. Okay. I'm closing it down.

Tigg. Wait, this is the end. Yeah, I'm stopping this. I'm stopping this. You can't stop this. Yes, I can. The momentum that we have picked up. You want to stop me.

You have that intense Tom Cruise stare that says, I want to stop this, but I have to stop it. I want to thank you for being here. I know you have a family. I don't have anything. What? All I have is this podcast. That makes the pressure on me to not end it then is incredible.

If this is all you have, then when I stop this podcast, it's literally ending your life. My life will go on, but this is what has brought me joy. This is what everything was leading up to. Was this podcast. Well, it's over. The best part of your life is done. Thank you. Tigg Nitaro.

It's been an honor. It's been a pleasure. And IU. That doesn't really hook up. And us. We. Okay. Thank you so much.

I'm a fan. Guys, I hate to interrupt, but I have to go. I've noticed a bit of a phenomenon that I wanted to talk about. I might need the help of Adam Sacks to jump in here. Adam, how are you? Good. Thanks. Adam is one of the incredible brains behind our podcast and it's good to have you here,

Adam. Adam, I've mentioned this to you and I think you've noticed it as well. We'll have these comedy guests come in like a Tigg Nitaro or most recently Patton Oswald. And they see me. They come into the room. We are about to like shake hands or hug. Hey, Patton. Hey, Conan.

Hey, Tigg. It's really good to see you. It's really good. What happened, you say hi and they look over at you and you say, Matt Gorley, we work together on Thubba Dub, some other podcast that you did. Yeah, Thubba Dub. Seriously, you can give me some of the names of the podcast. What are they?

Matt's podcast. Yeah. So he's got Super Ego. Uh-huh. He's got James Bonding. Uh-huh. I was there too. Yeah, I was there too.

Another one where he talks about people who had had small parts in big movies. Yeah. I mean, the fact that you're continuing to list them- Oh, there's more. There's one about- There's hundreds of- The Friday movies? Yeah. No. Jason Voorhees.

Jason Voorhees. Oh, yeah. I think the next Friday. Anyway, I'm trying to establish this connection so we can have this podcast and people come in the room and then they see you and you go like, oh, yeah, you know, I know you from, you know, Friday's Mondays or, you know, the Chili Beats 2 podcast where we talk about Chili Beats 2 and they're like, oh, right, right, right, you're like, yeah, I remember the time that, and you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm standing there, you know, with my

dick in my hands because I'm thinking, well, you know, what am I supposed to say here? I don't know what you guys are talking about. And suddenly this vital connection that I need to have with the Patton Oswald or Techno Terror or one of these comedy luminaries is busted irrevocably because they're there and you're taking them down this winding path about, remember on Hack Flap? On Hack Flap? No. We take flapjacks and we put them in hats and we talk about it on the podcast.

That's a good idea. Yeah? That's what he does and that's what I want to. What's pistol shrimps? What is it? Pistol shrimps radio. What's pistol shrimps radio? It's where my friend, Mark McConville, and I do play-by-play of women's Wreck League

basketball. I don't know anything about sports. Right. Yeah. Okay. These complete, you know, club bubble. Remember when we, I was on club bubble and you came on it and we pretended to be aliens that go back in time and fix people's teeth with a bonding method.

Another good idea. Yeah. I mean, this is, these are infinite. You were involved in an infinite number of podcasts. Yeah. What are you talking about? I don't know. That's a good question.

And you know what? I will say you're quite famous to these people. You, I didn't realize, I, I didn't realize I was working with someone who I think is clear makes most of the podcasts in America and is in them every time. And I'm always like, oh my God, I look, always looking back at you and because it's always a 10 minute conversation before we can put our headsets on because he's always saying like, yep, yep. Oh, and I also worked with you, Patton.

No, no. I didn't defend myself because, no, no, no, what's that? Well, that's the one we pretend that we're in the Senate in 1850, but really I like this one. Cookies made out of chocolate. No. Cut that part. Yeah.

In Matt's defense, David Sideris was a big Super Ego fan. Yeah. And I'm never schmoozing with these people. They look at me like, where do I know you? And I feel awkward saying, I just want to say, here's where we met. And then they start speaking about it. I don't feel right about like furthering this conversation with them. And I don't want to take away from your time with them.

So why is it that you're often wearing a t-shirt for the podcast? You have a t-shirt that says, remember me from Super Ego? No, no. Yes, you do. And you've worn that. Remember me? You know, from Flaps Dibble? Remember me from Flaps Dibble?

Flaps Dibble. Oh, Flaps Dibble. Oh, my God. It's such a ridiculous podcast. It's one where you only pretend, you remember this? You and Ackerman pretend that you're in a hot air balloon and that you're investigating the weather outside of Spain, and you just improvise it. I like that.

The one I'm most interested in and I would love to do with you is the Senate in the 1850s. Now, if that isn't a gold mine, come on, that would be brilliant. I'll do it only if I can take my own life at the end of the episode. That's a hook. I love it. Yeah. Never been done on a podcast. It's a one and done podcast.

I started this out as sort of a what the heck's going on, but it's clear to me that you are a podcast superstar, and I was not aware of that, and I'm realizing that maybe, if you're cool with it, when guests come in from now on, you could be wearing a bag over your head. Absolutely. And then we remove the bag after the interview's over so that then they can say, hey, I know you from Wrist Toffee. What's that?

Wrist Toffee. That's one of your best podcasts. That's where you and Middle Ditch in Schwartz dip your wrists into Toffee and then pretend that you are plough horses living during the Revolution in France. And it's a podcast that's got, it's burning up the charts. It's on the HapJabble Network. You should check it out. You can get it wherever podcasts are sold.

Have Sona and I told you about the podcast we want to do? No, what's up? Don't, don't bring this up. Just do it. Do it. Do it. Especially this week. Do it.

Do it. Well, a listener will have a problem with a telecommunications company, like they have a problem with their Verizon bill, and we call Verizon for them and get it settled. Okay. Can I tell you exactly what's- This is the worst timing for this. You is amazing that you said this. Amazing.

Hold on. This is absolutely true, and you didn't know. I didn't know that you were going to say that. Yeah. I didn't know this was going to happen. That's true. I didn't know this. You just said the most incredible thing.

Day before yesterday, I'm in my office, and I hear shouting. Shouting as if an intruder has made it into the Warner Brothers building that we occupy. I already know I'm going to love Sona more because of that. And is trying to kill Sona, and she's fending them off verbally. And I come out into the hallway to find out what's going on, and she is in a full-on battle on the phone with someone from Verizon. God bless you so much. And it is Verizon.

And she is arguing because they, and I'm on Sona's side with this, Verizon mistakenly dinged her credit when they shouldn't have. It was a mistake. They never notified her. She and her husband are interested in getting a home and looking into a loan, and she's got this ding on her credit. And she is, I listened to her, she fought this person on Verizon, then fought another person, then another person stayed on the line.

And it went on for maybe an hour and 45 minutes to two hours. And she was yelling so much that I was like creeping past her, assembling my lunch on my own quietly, trying to find the stuff that I don't know where it is. She's yelling, people are closing their doors. I eventually went to another floor because I couldn't conduct the business of making a show while she was yelling. You were, I mean, you were heroic, first of all. You were fantastic.

Oh yeah, I was crushing it. You're my hero. Because they depend on you quitting. Yeah. They depend on you. And she would not quit, and she kept saying, you have the power. You acknowledge that you probably didn't call me or you never emailed me. You have my email.

You have my, you never, and the other person was clearly on their end saying, well, I'm sorry. They do that fake empathy thing. I can't help you. And she said, no, you can change this. You can do it. And it turned into a pitch battle. But the result was that the producer, Jeff Ross, was hiding in his office.

I was hiding on a different floor. Good. Poor, poor David hopping, who sits next to Sona. When it was all over, he looked like a child who had watched his parents beat each other to death. He just looked, he was shaken, like a shaken animal. The world needs this. And I tip my hat to you, Sona.

Well, I think I would be... Can we use this, can we use this to fix your Verizon? Yeah. I think that I would be more into talking about this if I had won that dispute, but I did not win. You did not? No, no. After I had to write a letter, and I included a letter, I wrote them last January that

I had already written them. So it's, it's an ongoing thing. Do you want us to get involved? Let's do a hashtag, fix Sona's credit and send it in. Send it to Verizon. Yeah. I'm trying to figure out, yeah, I'm trying to figure out what the next steps are, but I sent it certified mail.

They get it tomorrow. Oh. Verizon, you're getting a letter. Yeah. Yeah. On April 18th. They're quaking in their boots. I love you.

They should be, because the power of the people, you know? Good for you. Yeah. Hold on. Now, is it, let's just, as any good journalist, let's examine the possibility on the other side. Is it possible that you're in the wrong, Sona? It is possible.

Okay. Okay. But you know, but here's the thing. Remember, it gets frustrating for me. It's $129 that I owe them. What if we did this? What if you called Verizon and tried the phone call, because you didn't really identify who you were last time.

No. I don't like doing that. Hold on. I don't like doing that. I don't like playing the Conan card. Watch this. You call, I'll act it out for you, because this is exactly how it's going to go. Hello, Verizon.

This is Sheila. I'm recording your phone call because it has to be monitored. How can I help you, please? Yeah. Sona Movesessian, may I have your information, please? What's your number? Okay. It's where you do.

Thank you very much. Okay. I see your record now, Sona. Well, how can I help you? Well, I just wanted you to know that I'm having this little bit of a credit problem. Well, I empathize and I'm sorry, but we can't really help you. Uh-huh. I know.

But you see my boss, Conan. What? My boss, Conan. Wait a minute. Did you say Conan? Yeah. My boss, Conan. You mean Conan O'Brien?

Yeah. Well, I just wanted to talk to you briefly about Conan. Hello, people getting on. Hello. Hello. Is this someone who works for Conan O'Brien of podcast fame and 25 years on the air groundbreaking comedy? How can we help you?

So anytime you want to do that, be my guest. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonam of Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself, produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sax and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Special thanks to Jack White for the theme song. Incidental music by Jimmy Vavino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and the show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured

on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts where wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.