Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Tig Notaro Returns

Episode Date: May 23, 2022

 Tig Notaro feels gay about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Tig sits down with Conan once again to discuss which of her kids she thinks is going into comedy, favorite jokes and pranks, and her inability to identify celebrities. Plus, Conan and his team issue an inaugural broadcast from their brand new podcast space. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Tig Notaro, and I feel gay about being Conan O'Brien's friend. I'm clocking that laughter as hate crime. Matt, did you see that I did not laugh? I solemnly nodded. Do you see how I'm not looking over there? And it was Matt Gorley who laughed, and laughed at the idea that someone could even be gay, which I thought was terrible. Yeah.

Oh, wait. I am dabbling. Oh, I take it back. I've been dabbling for decades. Okay. Not sold on it. When are you going pro? Mm-hmm.

Even in the minor leagues of gay. Why are you laughing at that? Oh, hey, girl. I was laughing at the whole concept. And don't point at me. It was. Hey, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. And I just heard Gorley's phone go off as we started, and maybe if you back it up, Gorley,

we can hear that and boost the sound. And here it is. All right. What is that? What's going on? You're a professional. You've been podcasting since you were one of the first people to invent a podcast. That's right.

You were doing this in the 1950s. That's why I get a certain amount of latitude for my phone going off. What was the deal with your phone? Who was trying to contact you? This is a notification that there's sound in her nursery. Wait. You have a machine that is listening to your daughter. It's not a machine.

It's a baby monitor. I don't know. What? Well, I just find it creepy. It's very Orwellian. I love saying things are Orwellian because everyone overuses it. Wow. This tea is so Orwellian.

My daughter's not spouting hot button topics that need free speech. She's either crying and needs something, so we want to be alerted. Right. But you're here at work, and your daughter is at home in a crib. So what can you do about this situation? Well. Why are you being alerted? Because this thing's always on, so when I'm home and I need to tend her, I don't think

to turn it off before I come here because I'm just going to have to turn it on again. Also, I like to, I can check in on it from here too, and she might just be gooing and giggling and it's nice to, you know. Oh, that's nice. I should get one. I'm sorry. No. I don't think so.

I think that we are, it's this whole helicopter parent thing. We're too involved, and it starts right now, and this is a great example, Gurley. You've got a device in the crib that's listening to every sound, and then you're right now 25 miles away, and you're getting an alert that maybe she gurgled or burgled, and you can't do anything about it. Well, I'm not, I'm not worried that she needs my help. My wife is there, but sometimes I might just want to check in and just get a taste. That's not your right.

That's not your right. What? You don't even know your kid's names. Why should I? There's number one and number two. I know the first one was a girl and the second one was a boy, so, so, but I, we said number one and number two, and I've got a busy life. I've got a podcast to do.

I've got self care and maintenance. I'm sorry. I think your priorities are different, but, you know, that's okay. All right. Well, listen, I was, I think a good father until I was asked to separate from the children, but I think I was a very good father, very attentive father, but I don't remember being, you know, at work, like at Rockefeller Center with a device that goes, your son just breathed a little bit.

They don't exist. Your son just exhaled. It didn't exist back then. It didn't exist. It wasn't that long ago. We're only talking 16 years. Yeah. No.

But this is the new thing now. So parents, now, Sona, do you have a device right now that tells you, oh, wait, no. You have a family, a massive family that takes care of your children. Well, no. Yeah, you do. I mean, we, we have a lot of help from family, but we did have a monitor and then there's, I think not a day goes by where I'm like, we need a, we need a new monitor because now we just like put them in their crib.

And if they're not making sounds, we just leave them there. But when you would listen to the monitor, didn't you just hear Armenian people shouting? What? I mean, seriously. You have so, so. No, but he's talking about if like, you know, the baby needs you and is crying, then you can't hear them. Then you like go in there.

Because it's so much chaos over at Sona's house sometimes. You have to admit it is. I'm not going to lie. You've got your, you've got, yeah, you've got your father. Yeah. Okay. You've got your mother. Yeah.

You've got tax parents. Yeah. You've got uncles and aunts and Strozie and Brozie and Grozie. Wow. Wow. I'm not. How are Strozie and Brozie? What are Strozie and Brozie, what are their names or are those relatives?

No, no, no. I'm just saying when I go over there, there's so many people and by the way, they are lovely. I love your family. Yeah. I don't want to make that very clear. Strozie and Brozie. And I've been to Armenia with you and I think I am very in touch with the Armenian people. So you think you can just say like Strozie and Brozie?

Well, actually Strozie and Brozie are real people. Who are they? They are. They're her uncles and you know, uncles. Who's the uncle you have? You had one uncle that said that I was, looked like I was in good shape, but I need to lose 10 pounds. My uncle.

Yeah, I did. I feel like I'm losing weight. I feel like I need, I'm gaining weight and he's like, ah, you can lose 10 pounds. He did. That was Strozie. And then Brozie was like, oh, I think so too. And then they both said, do you want some flattened pomegranate that's been dried on a rock?

And I said, you know, I think I'm pretty good. That happened. Never forget it. Almost 10 years ago. I never forget to put down. You never forget that. He told me you could lose 10 pounds and guess what? He's not wrong.

Yeah. You got Strozied, bro. I got totally Strozied and then on the backside I got Brozied. Yeah. Strozied. Right. But no, what I'm saying is Sona doesn't need a baby monitor because she has twins. She can barely get her hands on those kids because there's constantly people there.

Strozie and Brozie are there, but they're, you know, I, I understand what Matt's saying though. It's good to have a monitor and watch your children and make sure that they don't need anything. There are times when I'm like, I should have a monitor and see if they need me for something. You know what? Now I feel, I do feel badly and I think you should activate your phone. There's a way to activate it so it only buzzes if it's Glenn.

We can also talk to her through that. Oh really? Yeah. Do you want to? Okay. Yeah. Let's exploit your newborn child. Sure.

Let's just see what's going on before we do that. Is there no problem with that? You said you felt bad? No, no. For a minute I felt bad that I made, I don't want you to turn off. One more. Uh-oh. Are we listening right now?

Let's listen. This is incredible. So invasive. Almost eight months. Almost eight months old. Yeah. And she has a microphone dangling over her crib and you're 20 miles away in a podcast. Let's see if we can get Amanda to come in here.

You're calling Amanda right now? Well, I'm going to use the baby monitor to see if we can get them to come into the nursery. Hey, Marty, it's Marty, can you bring Glenn into the nursery? This is going to freak her out. I know it is. Wait, what's happening? Amanda. Who's Marty?

It's our nickname for each other. We call each other Marty. Her name's Amanda, which is a beautiful name and you're calling her Marty. Well, she started calling me Marty and I didn't like it. Oh, real creative. Revenge. I just started calling her Marty. Okay.

Yeah. Amanda, are you there? Got marriage. I'm on the baby monitor. It'd be great if we just got a real slice into his life where she was like, you again. Because he doesn't know yet that we're listening. When are you going to be a real man? Come on the baby monitor.

We're on the podcast. Oh my God, the baby's not in the crib. I know. But you heard a sound in the crib. I just had gotten picked up and taken out. Ora said, no one's listening to me. Dad's got me on an app. I am out of here.

Is that possible? That's creepy. There's a black and white video of an empty crib, which I just find chilling. But you had baby monitors. I know that if we have eyes on here, she'll be like, of course we had a baby monitor. Yeah, but we weren't listening to it when we were 60 miles away. Right, right. That's the part I find weird and we weren't connecting it to a podcast because they were

relatively unknown art form then. And I did say art form. I think I've elevated it. Oh, she's sitting in the nursery chair. Who is? I see you. Marty, can you hear me? I see you.

This is creepy. I'll admit this is creepy. Well, first of all, you're calling your wife Marty. Amanda, I don't mean to scare you. You need to earn this Borg9 movie. We're doing a podcast and we're just checking in with you guys. Just checking in. I'm just going to keep muttering while he bambles to his wife.

His name is not Marty. Can you hear me? What a cute arrangement. I'll call you Marty if you call me Marty. Can you hear me? Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, you're on the podcast right now.

Yeah, you're on the podcast, Amanda, or should I call you Marty? Oh, my God, is she okay? Did she just say, did she just say, help, help, I'm married to a monster? They're worried you're taking hostage right now. Are you okay? It seems like the worst way to talk to someone else. Yeah, we're talking on a podcast into an iPhone that's connected to a baby monitor. She's also breastfeeding.

Oh, for God's sake. You can't see her. Well, how come? Oh, my God. Well, I'm sorry. I'm interested in how nursing works. Oh, God. Some app that is.

Isn't there a sort of a panoramic thing you can click on? Hi. I'm a known creep and perv. They can't see anything, but we'll let you go. Sorry to disturb you. This was a horrible mistake. Yeah, we're sorry, Amanda, a.k.a. Marty. And please go back to feeding your child with your own body.

Oh, God. One body feeds another. I'll see you soon if I'm still allowed. Oh, God. That was, what an invasion all around. Yeah, I regret that heavily. That was a terrible idea of yours. That was a great disservice to my wife.

Sitting there breastfeeding. She was breastfeeding. What a podcast. She just sent me a picture of Glenn's reaction to that whole thing. Oh, my God. Look at that reaction. That is a fantastic reaction. Put that up online.

Oh, man. Wait, they're doing what? Who's that? Fuck. Wait. And you know what? She unlatched to make that face. She did.

I saw her. That meant she gave up sustenance to make it quite clear to us there were a bunch of shitheads. I am a horrible, horrible father and husband. Well, at least now everything matches. Bad dad, bad friend, bad coworker. We've got to move on. That was incredible.

And she is beautiful, by the way. I will end on that. Oh, she's beautiful. Your wife's beautiful. Your daughter's beautiful. I think I'm attractive, too. I have some work done. All right.

I can't just give a compliment. Just leave it. I can't. It's just going to be about me. Just say your own beautiful wife, beautiful daughter, and a beautiful coworker. And then don't say anything else. Just let it go.

The podcast is named after me. Conor Martin is a friend. It's actually named after a state of being. Not really after you. It's kind of like a sad state of being is what is named after her. Okay. Soon it's going to be changed to Conan Gray. He needs a friend.

The guy's beating me every day. He was at the Met Gala. Okay. I went there once. I was asked to leave, but I went. Let's go. My guest today is a very funny comedian, actor, and podcast host who's currently on her hello again tour and tickets are available at tignotarrow.com.

I'm very excited to chat with her today. She's a good friend, a brilliant person, and all around just lovely. TIG Notarrow, welcome. Look, sexuality. I feel gay about being Conan O'Brien. And I think that's a good thing. I really do. I love me and I'm attracted to me.

When I catch a look at myself in the mirror or any kind of shiny surface, I'm entranced. I really am. I think I'm a good looking tall drink of water. I think I'm a fun raconteur. You don't hear that often. I don't. I don't hear it nearly enough. Well, I'm going to say it a few more times.

I am a raconteur and I think an absolute delight, right, Sonna? No, I would disagree. Tensioning here is incredible. I'm going to preface everything I say now by telling you how much I adore you, which you know is true. Yep, I sure do. Wow, you're just checking things off a list, aren't you? Complement, check. And you're a hilariously funny person.

Yep. And I very much enjoyed every time I've had a chance to perform with you or talk to you. Yep. And yet I feel like there's a lot of shit you and I need to straighten out between us, you know? I think there's some bad vibes. And we need to get this stuff out on the table and we need to talk about it. That's why I'm here. Okay.

You walk in here with some, I don't know. Sparkling water with hops in it. Yes, it's sparkling water with hops in it. And this is not an ad or anything, but it's lagoonitas, hoppy refresher. And it's got a very sort of niche appeal. It feels very gay. It feels very hipstree. I would not say gay.

I would not say gay. I would not. Bi-curious. Has a bi-curious vibe to it? It does. Okay, I'll say it. It has a bi-curious vibe to it. Bi-carbonated vibe.

Yeah, thank you very much. Both bi-carbonated and bi-curious. And so I thought we'd start there. We'd start on this drink that you introduced. Yes. Which felt like an aggressive move. You came in here with this aggressively cool drink. Yeah.

A hipstree drink. And you're sipping it and you're really enjoying it. Is it hipstree? Why? It's hopstree. Don't worry about that. He doesn't understand it. Anything he doesn't recognize is hip.

Yep. Okay. Yeah, exactly. If I'm presented with any kind of math problem, I say, oh, this hipster jargon. It's just because I'm not good at math. I don't understand that. Well, you should hang out at my house because my son, Finn, is obsessed with math. That's a good thing.

And it comes from his obsession with sports. And he wakes up every morning, gets on Stephanie's phone. Stephanie, of course, is my husband. He gets on Stephanie's phone, checks stats five in the morning. Right when he rolls out of bed. I think that's cool. That's great when they have an interest like that. I wasn't saying it was uncool.

I'm just trying to move the conversation along. You felt it needed moving. I thought we were rolling along nicely. Oh, okay. You felt we had a flat and we're stuck in a ditch. And you got out, rolled up your sleeves and got the car going again. So I guess you're the hero of this situation. God, I'm so enraged and I don't know why.

Talking to someone I adore. Do you like some hop? No, I will not have your hoppy hipstery drink. My son has, I mean, I just love that when you have kids, I have two kids. What's one? Yeah, two. Yeah, there's two.

And there's, my son is just so talented and good at math and coding. I don't know where that comes from. It doesn't come from me. I don't think it comes from my wife. But it was present when he was like one and a half years old. He wants this one to push buttons. You remember I'd bring him by the office. I do.

I remember he's always liked it. Yeah. And he just always wanted to get near a keyboard and start just pushing buttons. And then accidentally had, you know, program a missile to fire into Russia. And it caused a lot of problems. But actually we visited the White House once. Yeah. And they took us a tour of the situation room and he pushed a button in the situation room

and a guy came in and went, is everything okay? Oh my God. And we were like, what do you mean? How old was he? He was like five. Wow. And he had pushed a button in the situation room, which is in the basement of the White House. That's cool.

And a guy came in and said, the, you know, we're in trouble button was pushed. And my son was there and he was like, it's a button. You've pushed buttons. Yeah. Also, why are they letting you in the situation? Yeah. Also, why are they calling it the we're in trouble button? Let's take these one at a time.

Okay. Okay. They call it the we're in trouble button because everyone immediately knows what it means. Yes. And it's, there's a lot of, here's the problem. It's a lot of writing. It's a very long sentence on a very small button. So you can't really make it out.

Second of all, why was I in the situation room? Yeah. Consultation. Come on. I am brought in occasionally. I was during the Obama administration, still in the Biden administration. I am brought in to consult on foreign matters. Role playing the catastrophe.

Okay. Okay. Everyone's really laughing up the storm. But you could see that they, they want to get Conan's hot take. And so they, they, they bring me in and I've done that many times. No, that never happened. I did it for Truman. I did it for Eisenhower.

Okay. I've done them, you know, whatever. I do my part for my country. Okay. But anyway, he was always obsessed with that. And we salute you. Well, how come you're not saluting? Your arms are folded.

Plus a podcast. So you say we salute you, yet you refuse to salute? That's right. You let the listeners at home imagine all the saluting that's going on. Well, I would like to say that your, your arms are folded very defiantly. It is the opposite of a salute. Yeah. It is as far from a salute as I can possibly imagine.

Well, you know, my delivery is slow. So this is the beginning of a salute. It takes a little while for my arms to uncross and then the saluting, it goes haywire. This is like watching a flower bloom. You can speed up the footage and we'd see if we, we sped it up incredibly, we'd see an actual salute. That's right. But if I actually want to see it play out, it's going to be like 15 hours and you have

to be in bright sunlight. That's funny because a flower has to be in bright sunlight to bloom. That's why that's very funny. Wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. And can we add laughs later? Is there a way that we could add just people going crazy?

I'm such an easy laugh or two sometimes. I laughed at everything Tigga said so far. I can extend the silence if you want. Crickets. Just crickets. Do you, you know what I always think when I hear crickets, the crickets are at the show and they enjoy it. They're laughing.

That's the way a cricket laughs. Crickets are showing their appreciation. They're saying that the way they mate, so you're making them want to mate. Yes. My comedy is always like very quickly to people doing it. Do your kids think you're funny? Do they, do you clown for them or do you give them the sort of dry classic Tig Notaro delivery?

Well, if it matters to anyone, it's Notaro. But, but. There's some laughs. She's been on your show so many times. I just think it doesn't matter. I know. That's what I said. It really doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. How many times did Regis Philbin call me Conan for all of his entire life? He called me Conan. Who did? Regis Philbin. Have you made a Regis file bin? Okay. Here we go.

But I never complained and this is my way of showing dominance. I'm not complaining. I said if it matters. It's Tig Notaro. Yeah. I know. And. Is it Tig?

Yeah. Just T-I-G. That's right. Three G's. There was a while there I was calling you Tiag. I do. I really, I swear to God, I thought that you were from the Netherlands and I was saying it's Tiag Notaro and you said please and then I worked my way to Tig.

Now we're at Tig Notaro and we're right where we need to be. That is right. My children at times think I'm funny, I think. You know, we have laughs as a family. But they're. I'm not from social services. I feel like I'm here with a clipboard and are there occasional laughs? There are occasional laughs.

We do smile. We feel glad. There are things that make us feel glad. Okay. Yeah. You know, when they, they know that I fly away and tell jokes, but they're so, they're not even six yet and so their sense of humor is, you know, it's a little silly. And so we get real silly at the house.

That's good. Yeah. They like my, I have an animated stand-up special on HBO and they've watched that over and over again. And I think they really enjoy the animation and I talk a lot about Stephanie in it. And so they, they love that too. They must be, I mean, that's a kid's dream is to see their, one of their parents as a cartoon.

Yeah. I would think. It seems like that's what they are most interested in. When they see if my, my other specials pop up or something on a platform, they call me Tig. They say, oh, there's Tig Notaro and, and what they call me is mayor, which is French for mother. But when they see me in anything professional, they say there's Tig Notaro.

And then with Star Trek, they want to fast forward through anything and just see the spaceship fly by. They fast forward past your scenes just to see the spaceship fly. Yes. I think a lot of people probably do that too. It's hard to compete with a spaceship. Yeah. It's so cool.

Right. You know, when they're sort of arcing around. Yeah. You get to look at the planet and the ship and kind of look at the little twinkling lights. I do it too. I'm just being honest with you. You fast forward through my parts to the spaceship. I've never seen you on it.

I just see the ship over and I actually, so isn't this true? I had you once go through all of those episodes of Star Trek and remove all the scenes that was just spaceship. We had to, we had, we halted production for a few days just so we could get our crew to edit out all of your scenes just so we could get the spaceship. $600,000. Yeah. It cost.

It's very expensive. Yeah. But I was like. Is that a lot of money? Nicely done. Very nicely done. I'm cold. I'm cold.

That's a lot of money. You know, people say we live in a bubble and I say no, we don't. No. Because I happen to know $600,000. That's like, that's, what is that, like that's like four meals or something. I mean, it's ridiculous when people have to go through. Yeah. It's insane.

My son, Max, is very much, he's the one I could see if either child gets into comedy. It's Max. And he's very interested in reading or having joke books and riddles read to him. And he likes to try and make up jokes. And so. Isn't that so funny that I don't know, I don't know any jokes. You know, standard jokes. I do.

There are jokes into a bar and there's a duck there and the duck's wearing a Confederate hat. And that's actually the beginning of a very good joke. I got to work on it. Yeah. But I don't know jokes. Do you really know jokes? Yeah.

I know when I was in Texas, there was a joke I would hear all the time that I really enjoyed and that's why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know. To prove to the armadillo that it could be done. What? You say this is very popular in Texas? Oh, yeah. You know, it's like on the side of the road, you see dead armadillos all the time.

And then another favorite joke of mine is. That's true. That's all you see on the side of the road are dead armadillos. See why it's a popular joke in Texas? It's good. Yeah. I mean, the poor things, you know, dead on the side of the road. By the way, when you see dead animals on the side of the road, how is it that when they

get hit by cars, they all are okay enough to drag themselves to the side of the road? I think they get thrown. A lot of them get thrown to the side of the road. Okay. I know because I try and hit them. So I spend a lot of time with them. That is not okay. It's bad.

Yes. I wouldn't hit a dog or a cat, but when I see an armadillo, it's like Christmas came early. No sir. I'm not used to feed armadillos in our backyard. Oh, really? Yes. That's nice.

Anyway, another joke that I've always really enjoyed is. You've got us. You've got us. Here we are. All right. All right. A couple. Let's make them heterosexual just because.

I appreciate that. I'm trying to include everyone. Thank you. Thank you. In my episode here. Thank you very much. Okay. Gender is sexual, it doesn't matter what the gender or sexuality.

Okay. A couple is in bed middle of the night and somebody knocks at the door and the husband gets up, goes to the door and he goes back to bed and his wife says, who was that? And he said, some guy wanting a push. And she said, did you help him? And he said, no, it's three in the morning. I'm just going to go out and help him with a push. And she said, well, what if that was you or us and we needed help?

And he said, oh, you're right. Okay. Fine. And he gets up, puts a robe on, goes out to the door and just yells into the darkness. Hey, are you still there? Do you still need a push? And the guy said, yeah. And he said, where are you?

And he said, I'm over here on the swing. That's fantastic. That's a great joke. It's a really good joke. I get, see, what happens is I would be, I don't remember them. People will tell me that joke and I swear to God in three days, I won't remember that joke. And also I get worried about making sure that everything is just right in the setup.

Um, and so that's why I, I don't, but I'm, I'm blown away by when I first came out here and I saw, I was at some event and, uh, the emcee was Milton Burrell, like, you know, one of the biggest stars of the fifties and they said, it's Milton Burrell. And at this time it was like nineteen eighty six and I'm sitting in the audience and I'm thinking, oh, you know, they brought out the old timer. He destroyed. He destroyed because he had a hundred thousand great jokes that he had been working on since nineteen eleven seriously and working on them.

And so he just came out and I mean, there was no air in the room. It was that funny. Yeah. I don't have a style like that, but, um, my son Max, uh, might the way he, you know, follows us around the house, just rattling off different jokes from joke books, uh, when he told me last night and tell me if you've heard this one, what has four wheels and flies. I, um, I don't know. Garbage truck.

Oh. Oh, God, yes. I did for a second start to think of flies being attracted and I thought hot dog cart, but I didn't go. But, you know, maybe they're good hot dogs. I mean, that's the answer to it also, I guess, um, any food cart, you know, no, I think my way. I had a mental image of the hot dog cart that's not well cared for.

It's flexible. I can run it by Max, see if he's run it by Max and see if he's OK, switching it to the hot dog cart. Okay. Did you, uh, grow up around comedy? Your mother was very funny. Mother's very funny. My stepfather was very funny too.

And I think my father as well. I think you told me once your mom liked pranks. Yeah. That's another thing I've always been always too scared to pull a prank, you know, like, cause, oh my God, what if someone gets hurt? I just ruined comedy like that beforehand. I'm like, what if I try and pull a prank on someone and something goes wrong and they're hurt, you know, I'll be liable.

Um, that's a real fun way to approach life. Uh, comedy. You should see, it'd be really funny if I had a prank show like punked, except all I'm doing is checking and checking and checking to make sure that no one could possibly get hurt and then stepping in and talking to this, the person they're pranking and saying, just a second, are you OK if that doorknob were to be slightly warmer than you'd think it would be? You've been prepped.

You've been prepped. And I have lawyers with me and we're getting them to sign stuff. And then finally something happens that they totally figured out beforehand. And I'm like, we go like, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, gotcha. And I'm like, whoa. Kondo Bryant's safety first. Safety first. Yeah.

No, I was raised, my mother pranked us. She pranked her friends. She pranked people she didn't like, but she also would like dye our food weird colors when our friends would spend the night. What are you talking about? Well, like our friends would come over and spend the night and eat dinner at our house. And my mother would get food dye and dye mashed potatoes and just different things like that, blue and red.

And so a kid would be sitting there not knowing what to do because the mashed potatoes were right. And then you're not supposed to say anything until the kids say, I'm sorry, what is this? Yeah. Well, another thing. Very, very uncomfortable. I did. My mother loved my grandmother, my father's mother.

We were all very close, but she thought it was funny. This is terrible. This is terrible. To take her heart medication. No. But she, again, the 70s, you could follow somebody at the airport to their, yeah, their gate. And my mother put a knife in my grandmother's shirt. Oh, my God.

So this old woman has stopped in the line and they're like, you can't bring a knife on the plane. She's like, I didn't. That's not a prank that's a federal crime. That's a frame job. That's terrible. Listen. Oh, my God.

Listen. You know, she was all over the place. That's solid, though. That's a solid prank. I mean, it's funny. Yeah. It's terrible, but it's funny to see an old woman walking through with a knife in her purse.

It's so funny. That's incredible. That's amazing. That's amazing. So it was kind of hard when I was growing up and I was in school and I'd get in trouble for certain things because I remember, you know, there was a famous line from my childhood that the principal had me in her office saying, what if your mother knew that you had done whatever it was?

And I said, what if you knew what my mother was up to? Yeah. Yeah. I just have no frame of reference. Right, right. You know, my mother's sticking a knife in my poor old grandmother's purse to see this old lady get in trouble. She's your moral compass.

Yeah. It's hard. I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry I was running in the hall, you know. You're lucky that this is all you got. Yeah. Oh, I was chewing gum. I wasn't listening.

Well, my mind was elsewhere thinking about my grandmother getting killed. She caught with a knife in security. Yeah. And being sent away for a really long time. Exactly. So. No. No one.

It's messed up. It's messed up. But it's funny. Yeah, it's both. Look. That's... I think I'm looking at it from now, like from post 9-11. Post 9-11 perspective.

Right. That's why I dragged off to preface it with this was the 70s because honestly if... You can say that about anything. This was the 70s. So I put a bag over someone's head and they couldn't get any air and they died and I buried them in a ditch. It was the 70s. Still, everybody check your bags today before you leave.

I think it's funny. I find the humor in putting a knife in an old lady's bag. I wouldn't do it because of 9-11. Right. But I do see the humor in it. So what you're saying is the biggest drawback of 9-11 was it really changed pranking. That was the real tragedy of that day. I also appreciate, see the humor of coloring people's food, weird colors to where they

have to be like, what is this? What is this? And they're not familiar with our family. That's right. They don't know what my mother's cooking up. You know, so... We're with you. I applaud your mom.

Yeah. All right. I think she was doing good stuff. We used to do this thing where we would... A friend would come over and we'd all have popcorn in a bowl but we'd eat it with a spoon and then hand them a spoon and just watch TV and keep eating it with a spoon just to see what they would do. Kind of like the food coloring.

Yeah. It's experiments. It's rewarding. That's what you're doing. You're essentially doing your own comedy experiment. Yeah. You know? I used to love things primarily that only I was in on.

Do you know what I mean? I loved... Watching it unfold. Watching things unfold and I used to like to, long before I got on television, go play places and then ask if they had a VIP area because, you know, and be very subtle about it, but just imply that I was a really famous person and that I just didn't want to get hassled. And I did this on a trip through Florida with a couple of friends of mine, Jeff Martin,

Tom Hill, a bunch of us went down... Hey, Jeff. Hey, Tom. Thank you. I just live throughout there. You know, Mark Driscoll. Anyway, we went down to Florida to watch a spring training baseball and I just got on my head that'd be really funny.

We were going into just diners, fast food places, we weren't going to restaurants, we're just going to places that had like picnic tables and it was my senior year in college and I was taking a break, a spring break and I would just go into a place and I would say like, you know, I don't want to... Is there a kind of a place, like a VIP place? And I'd be like, I don't want to make a big deal of it, but it's just a place where I might not get hassled and these people at, you know, whatever, the pork shred hut would be like, well, I'm sorry, what would it be like?

I kind of just don't want to get hassled. I just kind of want to just have my meal and not... In peace. And they would say, well, who are you? And I would say, look, I don't want to make a big deal of it, but you know, a show, MASH and they go, yeah. And I'd said, you know, Colonel Potter, Harry Morgan, the actor who plays Colonel Potter and they go, yeah.

And I'd say, I'm his grandson. I'm Dan Morgan and I would just love it if I could just get a minute's peace and I swear to God, it was really fascinating for me to see which ways it's going to go because half the time they'd be like, oh, wow, I love MASH, sure, we can get you a table over here. And I'd be like, thank you. I just don't like getting hassled. And then half the time they were like, who the fuck cares that you're Harry Morgan's grandson?

And I'd be like, look, I'm telling you, you don't want to see what happens when people realize I'm here. And I just gave me so much joy to do that. And it was such a fucking waste of time. And I remember one time we went into a place and I went, yeah, sorry, you know, you know, Harry Morgan, I'm Dan Morgan, they went, oh my God, Gary Berghoff radar, he comes in here all the time. And I was to my friends like, let's get out of here, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's

go, let's go. This has to do with and then yet has nothing to do with what you said. But one time Stephanie and I were at a spa in New York, the woman behind the counter while we were going to pay, she said, Lady Gaga's assistant, Lady Gaga's assistant. She recognized Lady Gaga's assistant behind us. Lady Gaga's assistant was there. You can, who recognizes Lady Gaga's assistant? This person recognized, I mean, we were baffled to, we didn't know what was happening.

We were like, excuse me, Lady Gaga's assistant, Lady Gaga's assistant. You're the only assistant that I think people should recognize. That's nice. Yeah, well, you do bits with Conan and stuff. I mean, that's Lady Gaga. But that gets you put further back in the line. You're up for Conan? Come back in an hour.

Get out of here. Wait, so what happened? Did Lady Gaga's assistant get to move past you in line? We didn't even know who to look at. We didn't know who was Lady Gaga's assistant. It was just the person behind the counter was clearly a big fan of Lady Gaga and couldn't believe. Or just a fan of her assistant.

Lady Gaga's assistant must come in there all the time. But when we turn around, we didn't know who was Lady Gaga's assistant. We just were like, oh, okay, well, anyway, can we, do you take credit cards? We just, we didn't know. That's the level of minutiae. That's like, oh my God, you were the grip on, you were the grip on Terminator 3. Lady Gaga's assistant, Lady Gaga's assistant. It was as though, like I can't even imagine if Lady Gaga walked in there.

Because it was like, oh my God, don't freak out. Don't turn around. There's, there's, Lady Gaga's assistant, Lady Gaga's assistant. That's Lady Gaga's fourth tax attorney. Lady Gaga's, Lady Gaga's assistant, Lady Gaga's assistant. That's Harry Morgan's grandson. It's her Morgan's grandson. Damn Morgan.

Oh my God. It said, sir, you, Dan Morgan. I was a young guy working at a, at a fish fry place near Orlando and you came in. I go to my own shows and I, cause I like to show up just a few minutes before showtime and I'll show up, knock on the, the stage door and I can't even get into my own shows. And I have to explain that I'm the sensation. I'm the big sensation. Excuse me.

Could you let me in? I would be the sensation. You know, the, the security guy, not a fan of my, no clue who I am, creaking the door open a few inches. Yes. Can I help you? Yeah. Exactly.

Go away. You know, it fascinates me because you have been very honest about your inability to, to facially identify celebrities. You did a show about it. It's such a funny idea. You don't know when you, when you see celebrities often, you don't know who they are. Is that true? That is very true.

It's not because I have facial recognition issues. It's because I just, I don't follow pop culture. And so there's a lot of, I mean, the show is called under a rock, if you want to look it up. Who's one of the biggest celebrities that you've failed to identify, like someone who came up to you? Kayleigh Coco. Wait.

Oh, you mean, I thought you meant on the show. No, just in general. Okay. Whatever. Yeah. Lady Gaga's assistant. Lady Gaga's assistant was on and no, out in just my regular life, I had left the Star Trek RAP party and was talking to the executive producer at the, we had left the party and

gone over to the hotel and we were standing in the lobby before we went up to our rooms and this woman came around the corner and she said, oh, a TIG, hi. And I looked at her and I said, hey, I said, wait, were you just at the Star Trek RAP party? And I was in Toronto, I just assumed that's how she knew you. Yeah. And she said, no, it's me, Anne Hathaway, and I immediately was just like, oh my God, I just want to go home, do you know? And I said, she said, no, I'm Anne Hathaway, I met you backstage at the Beck concert.

And I was like, right, hi, and I remember I called Stephanie after I got up to my room and just said, I told her what had happened and she said, I love that Anne Hathaway explained who she was by saying, it's me, Anne Hathaway from Backstage at Beck's concert. And Stephanie said, and by the way, I remember when Anne introduced herself to you back stage at Beck's concert, she said, but what she should have said to you is, it's me, Anne Hathaway from Anne Hathaway. No, it is insane to say, hi, I'm Tom Cruise from the 7-Eleven on Pico. Totally.

Remember, we were both in line and we both wanted the same barbecue slim gyms and you were. You got it before I did. You got it before I did, but you were nice enough to break it in half. I remember that. I'm so well aware of Anne Hathaway now because I was mortified. And I thought back that I did this show that Anne was in, Beck was in, Beck put on at the Disney amphitheater in downtown Los Angeles.

But I just don't follow pop culture, but I follow other things and that is what I always try to explain to people who say, there's no, how do you not know who Anne Hathaway is or how do you not know who, oh, you've never seen whatever show. What about the commercial for the show? Right. And I'm like, well, if I'm not watching TV, then I'm not seeing the commercial, you know. I remember I was at the Paul Simon tribute recently and all these different country music singers.

And even though you were there, you didn't know who Paul Simon was. I'm very aware of Paul Simon. Who's that little guy up there? What's happening? The whole night, I'm like, I'm aware of who everyone is, even down to the country singer Eric Church and my friend who's sitting with me, I'm like, oh my God, I said, oh my God, I love Eric Church. And he's like, oh, I don't know who this guy is, but that's a moment where I could turn

and be like, how do you not know who Eric Church is because it's stuff I follow. So I would be projecting onto my friend, why don't you know who Brad Paisley or Eric Church is? My example is in the 1940s and 50s, there were about 25 celebrities and that's all there were. And everybody knew who everybody was. And so there's Jerry Lois, oh my God, you know, there's Jack Benny, here comes Doris Day.

Lady Gaga's assistant, Lady Gaga. Exactly. But now, and I do believe it's been, I think it's been proven, people that study the human brain say that because the world has changed much more quickly than we could ever, you know, than our brains could ever adapt to. So we have these brains that are meant to know about 45 people in a village. That's kind of what we're supposed to know. And yet we are being asked to know, what are you talking about?

It's the biggest loser. Yeah. Don't you know, you know, that's Jerry from the biggest loser who lost 25 pounds in a week. Yes, Jerry Hallihan, who lost 25 pounds, and then he cried when he accidentally broke down and ate all that custard out of a milk pail, you know, and. I know. But I know who Eric Church is. I know.

But I'm constantly, when I go into, you know, the supermarket and I'm going through the checkout thing, I'll see a magazine and I won't know who anybody is on the cover because it will say things like, you know, Sheila tells Brooke Benson, you've got one last chance buddy boy. And I don't know who any of them are. And then I always look up at it says, Sheila, from you've got an onion, that's my hat. And Brooke Benson from, you know, got a dollar, got a dollar, I'll give you a peso, you know, reality shows.

This is all real. No, there's a guy named Aunt Anstead. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know who that is. I know. I know who he is. Okay.

I don't know who he is. I ask my listeners. You know, this isn't, you know, we're, this isn't some punk ass operation. We've got a lot of listeners out there who the fuck is Aunt Anstead because I'll just see things that are like Aunt Anstead said, I don't know that since the breakup, I'm still pretty sad. Yeah. And then on page.

On here. Well, no, we can't find him. We've been looking. It doesn't exist. Yeah. I've never even heard the name. Who is he? He used to date the woman who was on, I think it was Flip or Flop.

And then they got married, then they broke up and now he's dating Renee Zellweger. So. Okay. Now we're on solid ground because I know who Renee Zellweger is. But what you did is it took you seven moves. He was on Flip, Flop and Flop. And he was with Jeanine, right? And then she got the onion.

Right. Then she got the onion and he went over to. For a peso. Yeah. And then Renee. Yeah. And then they went over to the show. Who wants to buy a mule?

And then. Yeah. And then they split up and then they went with, you know, and what happens is it's this system that it's no skin off my back. I just don't know who these people are and I don't have enough time in life to figure it out. Yeah. I do know minor character actors.

There was a guy who always played the old man in TV shows in the 70s and his name was Bert Mustin. And as a kid, he would show up on like Archie Bunker saying, well, I, I lost my penny and you know, can you help me Archie Bunker and I go like, Hey, it's Bert Mustin on the latest episode that just came out, you referenced Tova Borgnein's lawyer, Ernest Borgnein's wife's. Yeah. Tova, of course.

I always knew stuff like that. I'm just saying that my mind is filled now. It's so crazy now because there are some people who start out on the fringe and then they become so big just through this process that's mysterious to all of us that everyone has to reckon with them. It just occurred to me that Vladimir Putin knows who Pete Davidson is. Whoa. You know that Vladimir Putin has been like, as you've seen, he has not been on SNL for

several weeks, you know, and he was Pete Davidson and they're like, you got to really focus on the war we're in right now. Okay. But he's troubling. I don't know. Is he going to leave? Is he with the Jenner's now? How does it work?

Does he go with the Kardashians, you know, like, you know that that's how big Pete Davidson is now and God bless him, but he's that huge figures that affect the future of the world. He's taking up one or two brain cells in there. Absolutely. And, you know, Ant Anstead hasn't quite achieved that yet, but he's getting there because he's in my head now. And we're talking about him? Sorry.

Yeah. On this huge podcast. Well, of course, because he was on Flop, Flipped and Flune, you know? Flip or Flop. Well, no. Was it Will Fix Your Flu? It was a show about chimneys. So it's just a show about beach sandals?

You guys don't watch HGTV at all? Only when I'm in a hotel. Oh, it's the best. When I'm any... I don't think I've ever turned a TV on in a hotel except for when I was a child. Really? That's the best thing to just watch TV on? No.

I don't turn the TV on. I don't ever, I don't ever watch anything. I'll watch a documentary because I have a documentary film podcast. Right, right. I'll watch a documentary for that episode. And so I'll watch something once a week, but other than that... I will watch... First of all, I adore documentaries.

I love documentaries. I do, too. And I really love murder. And so... You should listen to Tig and Cheryl, true story. I am going to because it sounds like you guys, do you talk a lot about murder? We do a lot of murder. We do a lot...

Like, this week is not murder, but it's the Abercrombie and Fitch scandal. Oh, yeah. Scandal. Yeah. It's a... If there's a scandal that results in a murder, I'm ecstatic. Yeah. And I'm not pro-murder.

I don't want to have the wrong idea out there. You're pro-murder. Yeah. Well, if I could get away with it and not be prosecuted. I don't want to go to jail. Well, and also to be very fair, it's Cheryl Hines and I on the show. So we're old friends and there's a lot of nonsense that goes on. So it's not like investigative reporter or NPR vibe.

Right. So we... Well, that's good because we don't do nonsense on this point. Exactly. Very serious. Okay. But anyone listening to this podcast, it's like, oh, good. I want to hear...

It's... No. It's not that. So I've noticed recently that there's this phenomenon where... And I think it really is because of the Netflix of it all, where they have to pad out a podcast because companies, channels want streaming services, I'm saying... They don't want two episodes or one episode of a documentary. They really want like five or six and if you can get to seven, that's great.

But it'll be a story that could be told in maybe two episodes. Yeah. For sure. That's happening. And what they'll do is I'll be watching it and they'll be like, we sure don't know what happened to Betty Lou. No one knows what happened to Betty Lou. They found her over there.

And which documentary is that? This is called Whatever Happened to Betty Lou. Oh, okay, sure. Seven episodes? Seven episodes. And so they'll say like, they found her over there. She was still alive when we found her. What did she say?

She said, Derek did it. And we're like, Derek who? And she's like, Derek P. Samuelson. And then she died. What was found on the scene? A gun. Whose gun was it? It's registered to a Derek P. Samuelson.

Well, we better think about this for six episodes. Where does Derek Samuelson live? Over there. I think we should go arrest him. Not just yet. First, let's talk about the town. The little town of McNulty, is it kind of crazy town in 1822? You're like, no, go get Derek.

He's right over there. My wife and I were, I mean, this is how much I don't watch things is she was like, let's have a night where we just get in bed and watch TV together. And so I was like, okay. And so we got in bed, get the remote. We were actually in a hotel room in New Orleans. Yes. Okay.

You caught me in a lie. So we're flipping through the thousands of channels, passed every rerun, every new show, every, everything on there. And then I piped up genuinely and she makes fun of me for this to this day. She said, or I said, wait, wait, wait, wait, go back, go back. What was that? A wagon? A wagon.

And she said, what? And she went back a few channels and we couldn't find it. And she said, what, what was it? And I said, I don't know. I thought I saw a wagon and I thought my brain made up that it was a series of the history of wagons. You mean like a kid's like a radio flyer? No, like a little Chuck wagon.

Yeah. Chuck wagon. But what I saw made my brain think it was the history of wagons. And I was so, I wanted to see that, the history of wagons. And then we were laughing so hard that that out of everything that we were flipping through is what my brain, if somebody said, there is a show on the history of wagons, I would watch that and I would watch, because this is the other thing, is she was saying, let's say it was the history of wagons, then like what are they going to talk about?

See, that's how we're different. I love it that my version of that is flipping through, flipping through, flipping through, naked lady, you know, whatever, just if you see some nudity, you're immediately, I'm sorry, you go right back to your adolescent brain like there's a naked lady. I just want to see what's going on. And your version of that is, hold on a second. I think I saw a wagon. And I would watch another episode that's like the history of, history of wagons this week,

the axel, you know, like I could break it down and watch the minutiae of how to build a wagon, who created the wagon, who rode in a wagon, sounds like you need to make this show. Well, I'm all right. You're pitching it. I'm pitching it right now. Yeah. Conan, you want to produce it?

I only. The history of wagons. I'll do it. You know what I'd like to do is I'd like to be the narrator. Absolutely. I could walk out and go, ah, the wagon. So often take it for granted, yet you realize that the wagon was the primary source of transportation for all settlers who were in the Western region.

Think about the actual wagon and the bench you sit on and the big wooden wheels and, yeah, yeah. It doesn't interest you. No, it does. It certainly does. I mean, to take all the comedy of like, ha ha, Tig, that's boring out of the picture. No, no, no. I do think it's going to be hard to get 15 episodes.

I think you need to start with a narration saying, hello, hotel guest. Hello, hotel guest. And welcome. I understand that you have peculiar tastes, which is why I'm thrilled to welcome you. I hope you've boiled the top sheet on the bed before we begin. That's what I always do. And I hope you've burned the comforter, because God knows that's never been clean. The only hotel guest not watching forensic files and watching a wagon.

I love forensic files. Yeah. But a forensic file is about the wagon. Yes. It would be fine. The history of wagon, narrated by Conan O'Brien. Right. Ah, the wagon.

Ah, the wagon, the mighty warrior of the West. So often take it for granted, but not on this show. Over the next 75 episodes, we'll start with the wheel, we'll go to the axle, then to the springs. And then if I try. They push in the bench. The springs. There's no spring on the wagon.

I think there was a spring. Not in the 1800s. Oh, there was. Springs weren't invented in the 1800s. Whenever I am around a television and I tell Stephanie, wait, wait, wait, wait, go back. She's always like, would you see a wagon? I want to make sure I get the word out because our listeners don't know this, but take very aggressively put on her jacket and was like, I'm out of here.

I don't want to leave. Oh, you have to go. Once you put on the jacket. That was cold. My little hop drink is making me cold. Well, maybe you should have had some mead, you know, something warm, a warm middle ages drink. Mead.

No. A goblet of mead. You know what mead is, you would know what mead is. Is it a sweet wine? It's a wine that's been heated, I think, and has a little cinnamon in it. It's what people drank when they only lived for like nine years. That's why. And they just didn't give a shit what went in their mouth.

Just take this wine and heat it up, throw a lot of cinnamon in it and drink it, and then go die. At age nine. At nine. The age of nine. Wow, you've got a big beard. That's right. Kids have beards when they're nine and these middle ages.

So again, your tour, tickets are available at tignotaro.com. Yes. There's only a few dates left on the tour. The tour is basically over, but there's a few shows. I love plugging things that are over. Yeah, there's a few shows that are still out there, and like this weekend is my album release, but this won't come out in time, but my album will be around. I don't know when this gets heard.

This may not be heard for seven years. We like to sometimes let them sit for seven years to cure. Well, my album will always be around, and it's called Drawn, and it's the audio from my animated HBO special that came out, I don't know, last year. I'm a fan of all things TIG. You know that. And IU. I love you, Conan.

I love you too. You're really funny, and you're a good person. That's how I feel about you. Can I come hang out here? You could. Why not? So is it that I can only hang out and wander around, have snacks if you're here? No, we're going to actually get a flag and fly it when I'm here, sort of like when the

queen's in the palace. This is true, right? This is true. I'm determined to get a flag that flies when I'm in residence. And so you'll know, and it's like, when I'm not here, you come by and hang out. I have some snacks. Yeah, but when the queen is in. When the black smoke comes out the window.

That means we have a new Conan. We have a new Conan. Well, thanks for having me. The UK Dron is the HBO, it's the album off of the Comedy Special, right? That's right. And Tigg and Sheryl True Story with Sheryl Hines. Yeah, we talk about murder and. That sounds like a podcast right at my alley, and I will listen to that podcast.

And we talk about other things, murder. It's like also, it's a lot of everything. And then I have Don't Ask Tigg, which you've been on, which was a fun episode. It was a fun episode. Give advice. We had a good time, and I think it was terrible advice. Yeah, yeah, we did a terrible job, but I had a good time. We had a lot of laughs.

Yeah. But I think you more or less told me to drop dead. That's not true. Okay, it's not true. I'll just say that. But yeah, thanks. Thanks again. Well, we're going to end on some real Tigg Notaro energy here with just kind of a muttering.

I'm having a hoppy refreshing drink. Yeah, but I'm having a flashback. What is it? Deja vu. Deja vu. Yeah. When you said Deja vu, it reminded me of the time someone said Deja vu. I don't get it.

Oh, God. It's so quiet in here. Breathe in. Tigg Notaro, thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Come in. Thank you. You're idle?

Oh, wow, that's crazy. I didn't hear that. Just add it in later. I feel gay. Hey, crime. Hey, crime. Hey, crime. This is a very exciting day.

Let me explain what's happening. Right now, myself, Matt Gorely and Sona are broadcasting for the very first time in our new podcast space. It's beautiful. This has been a dream of mine for quite a while. As many of you know, this podcast started how long ago is about over three years ago? Three years ago. Three years ago, we started the podcast.

At the time, it was pre-COVID, a year pre-COVID, I think, we started doing the podcast. I was still doing my television show out of Warner Brothers Studio. We just seized a room. Wasn't it the band's dressing room? It was the band's old dressing room. We kicked them out and said, you'll perform nude from now on. We started broadcasting from there. It wasn't properly soundproofed.

We were just having fun goofing around. We didn't anticipate this podcast becoming anything more than just a fun distraction for ourselves. Even though things have gone gangbusters, we were in the Warner Brothers space for a while. It was comical because I would be talking to really big guests and they'd be telling incredible heartbreaking stories and you'd hear trucks backing up because all that happens on the Warner Brothers lots is trucks drive in, they don't even have anything in them, and then they all throw that into reverse and eat, eat, eat.

It was very loud, very noisy, very kooky. You could hear if anybody in the building changed their mind about something, you heard it. We did that for a while, then COVID came along. Of course, we went to Zoom. Then after COVID started to loosen up a little bit, we were out of the Earwool Studios, but we never had a home. No. We've always been wandering around nomadically looking for a place to land.

About a year ago, I decided I want a home. I want a home where if I'm Pee Wee, I want this to be Pee Wee's Playhouse. I need a place where I can hang out, waste people's time, writers can gather. We can start working on all these fun projects and we can do our podcast. We went on a search. We found this building. Adam says it's about a year ago. We purchased this building and they've been working on it and they just said, it's done.

Come on in and it's great. It's really nice. It's so nice. I feel nervous. I said earlier, I don't know if I could talk about dicks in here. It's just too nice. You can talk about dicks anywhere. The table and console are shaped like a dick.

We just noticed that. I know, but I just feel like it's so nice. I have my hands clasped on my lap and I'm like, you will quickly forget. I know you, Sona. I've seen you, I've been to all these fancy places with you all around the world. We've been to embassies. We've been to cathedrals. The White House.

We've been to the White House. You always find a way to talk about dicks. So I'm not worried about that. It's impressive. Yeah, it's amazing. It is my gift. You're right. It is.

Yeah. One of many gifts. Yeah, thank you. No, wait, no. The gift. Oh, yep, yep, yep. It's a great place and I'm very happy here and they've done a beautiful job. Oh, it's awesome.

I want to give a shout out to Eduardo. Eduardo here. Eduardo, what is your last name? You told me and I remembered saying I'll never remember it. It's Perez. Okay. Not difficult to remember. Not at all.

No. Yeah. No. But Eduardo is a genius and he has been taking good care of us setting up this podcast space. Teamwork makes the dream work. It's gorgeous. Did you make that up?

Yeah. I love it when people say total team effort but then don't mention anyone else. Nicely done, Eduardo. And Will is sitting right next to you. Yeah. Yeah, Will. No, no. Will backed in.

Eduardo Perez and also Sara Federovic has done so much to get this going and of course our own Erica Brown. Oh, EB all day. Yeah, EB gets it done. Chris Hayes, a genius. Everybody's been working so hard. Did Crivelli? Yes.

Oh my God. Oh my God. And that's why... I just want to also say, Blay and Bezlo both get shout outs but they also have been stocking me saying that we should make it clear that this is not even fully done so that if people see this that they're not. Oh, awkward. No, no, no.

It's going to get only better and better and better and I'm fine with giving Bezlo a shout out. Blay, you know, I've worked with him too long. We've been together now like 20 years. There are many videos of me physically punching Blay over the years back when that was allowed to... Was it ever allowed? Never was.

It was never allowed. It was never okay for you to punch people. I would always ask him beforehand, may I strike you? No, I never heard you say that. No, Blay has done an amazing job. I mean, the whole team has been working very hard and I cannot tell you, I'm like a kid in a candy store and I know COVID, you know, there's has been this very disruptive period for everybody all around the world and I never knew how much I needed to be in a space.

As you know, I grew up in a big family and we were all crammed in together and that's what I like and we have not had that. And so just, I don't know, I almost practically got emotional when I walked in. It was my birthday just coincidentally, but it was my birthday when they finally let us come in here. Just total people said, what are you doing today? And I said, I think I just got myself a building for my birthday. It's like the most entitled thing in the world, you know, it's not, it's cool.

No, no. It's your offices. It's a really cool space. It's beautiful. I feel like it's a place people would want to come to do work. Like I would actually want to come here and work. Yeah. This is so no.

What happened to you? I don't know. I don't know. And no, it really is. And you were kind of stunned, weren't you? I was blown away, this is the nicest podcast studio I've ever been in and I've recorded podcasts in some of the finest closets in the houses of people. But this is gorgeous and it's so a state of the art, this is walnut table shaped like

a big dick and balls. It smells good. We were smelling it like a dick and ball. Also, you know what's, you know what's fascinating is the, also they're going to, they have really good cameras now in here. And so we went from not having cameras to having basically 7-Eleven security cameras. So we set up four ring doorbell cameras. Yeah.

So I'd be talking to President Barack Obama and it literally did look like two guys in a weed deal gone bad in alley that the police were reviewing. That's what it looked like and more so because he tried to buy weed from me. Oh, what? Yeah. That's what happened. I said, hey, I'm not holding. No.

Yeah. Good luck. You've got narc written all over you. Are you kidding? I'm not trying to trap you. You're the last person I would ever buy weed from. You're such a cop. No, no.

The President, the President was, President Obama was wearing a wire at the time. Yeah. So Conan, would you, I'd like to purchase some marijuana. You're Obama impression. I'll do it better. So Conan, would you maybe enjoy some marijuana? Is that it? That's it.

Is it getting better? No. Is it getting better or worse? That's pretty good. It's clipped. He's very clipped. I'm not, I don't do impressions, but he's very clipped. Yeah.

Conan, would you maybe like to purchase some marijuana? Yeah. All right. I won't do impressions anymore. They're good. That was good. Anyway, it's nice. It's so nice to be here and I can feel the creative juices starting to, to verbal.

There's a lot I want to do. Because people have been asking me since I, it's not just the podcast, but people have been asking me like, what's, what's coming? And I've known that I want to be making stuff, putting stuff out there, but first things first, we need to have this place. We need to have this weird clubhouse where we can get together and have lots of terrible ideas, and then occasionally a good one. And that's, that should be the name of my production company.

Lots of bad ideas and occasionally a good one. And so I'm just, I'm, couldn't be happier. That's pure joy you're hearing in my voice. Really? And yeah, that's about as good as it gets. Well, congrats, Conan. Yeah, congrats. This is a big deal and congrats.

Yeah. It's very cool that you have this space and yeah. I'm very happy and so grateful to everybody that made this happen. And, and it's only going to start to look and sound better. And happy birthday. We got you a building. Yeah. I know.

Thank you. Matt and I bought it for you. Yeah. There's giant candles on the roof that you have to go blow out. Just torches. Yeah. Yeah. It's going to make next year's birthday really hard to top.

Tough. We're looking at the Queen Mary. Last year I got a building. We're going to buy the Queen Mary? Yeah. Do you know they're trying to get rid of it? What? Yeah.

No. Yeah. They want to sink it. At one point they're going to sink it. No, they're not. Wait a minute. Yes. And then we can drive around on the high seas where there are no FCC laws.

Yes. And do whatever we want. Yes. Can you imagine? I know. Yes, that's what we're going to do. This building that we just got would fit inside the Queen Mary. This will be the bridge.

The new bridge. I can't wait to see how this meeting goes at the bank. Now, what is it you want to do, Mr. O'Brien? You know, I just, I got this kind of small townhouse in Los Angeles. Yes. Uh-huh. Yes, we know. What I like to do is move that into the Queen Mary and purchase the Queen Mary.

Oh, we have a loan for that. Yes. Well, that sounds sound to me. Pre-approved. And then I want to sail around the world in the dilapidated Queen Mary with a Los Angeles townhouse in it. Another option is they're giving away the lifeboats for free. All you have to do is prove if you can take them.

You should put one of those in here. Guys, that's what went wrong on the Titanic. Before they set sail, they offered to give the lifeboats away to people for a bunch of podcasters, took them as a gag. And they were like, you sure you don't need them? No. This thing's unsinkable. You think we're going to hit an iceberg?

Remember that? Civic. Yeah. I remember this very well. Podcasts were just getting started. It was 1912, April. Lackscasts. Yeah.

And they said, hey, free Titanic lifeboat giveaways if, and you can use them in your podcast video. And then they said, well, off we are for an uneventful maiden voyage. They actually said that, which was weird. Yeah. The slogan was what could go wrong, I think. Yeah. Anyway, happy to be here and mausole-toff.

More to come. Yep. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov, and Jeff Ross at Team Cocoa, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf. Theme song by the White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Will Beckton. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read

on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Cocoa Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Cocoa Production in association with Ear Wolf.