Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Timothy Olyphant

Episode Date: February 18, 2019

Actor Timothy Olyphant feels “eh” about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.Timothy and Conan sit down this week to chat about their favorite hobbit names, playing a mean mofo on-screen, buying a gingerbread house, and fantasies of quitting Twitter. Plus, Conan’s wax figure controversy heats up with an official response from the Dreamland Wax Museum.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.This episode is sponsored by State Farm (www.statefarm.com), Mercari (www.mercari.com), ZipRecruiter (www.ziprecruiter.com/CONAN), Article (www.article.com/CONAN), ButcherBox (www.butcherbox.com/CONAN), Mizzen+Main (www.comfortable.af code: CONAN), and Athletic Greens (www.athleticgreens.com/CONAN).

Hi, my name is Tim Offen, and I feel about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, brand new friends, books and pens, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Of course, this is the show where I, Conan O'Brien, the one who is speaking right now, has a podcast, and I look for opportunities to make friends, more lasting friendships with some of the people I've brushed up against in this business. I didn't mean physically brushed up against, that's creepy.

But people that I've encountered who seem really interesting to me, and I think, hey, maybe they could be a real friend, let's find out, and what better format than a nice, intimate podcast. And helping me out all the way, my assistant, Sonam Obsession. Thanks for being here, Sonam. It's great to be here, Conan. Are you gonna change your last name, Sonam, now that you're married? I might legally change it, yeah.

Okay, but I'll still in the podcast call you Sonam Obsession. Yeah. That's your professional name. I guess, sure. You're a professional wrestler. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, my first name is legally not Sonus, so I would change that too, and it's good.

Oh, so everything about you is a sham. What's your real name, Beatrice? What? Your real name is probably Beatrice McNichol, and then you became Sonam Obsession. I think my name is Beatrice Sonam Obsession. It's possible. We also have our, I hope this is your real name producer, Matt Gorley.

Is that your real name? That is my real name. Are you Matthew or Matt? Technically, I'm Matthew. Okay. Yeah. I find that I often just call you Gorley. Yeah.

I don't know why. Does that bother you? No, not at all. It kind of feels like we're in the military together or something. That's how I look at this whole endeavor. Yeah. This feels very much like a military operation, and one that didn't go well.

It's like the Bay of Pigs. More like Jimmy Carter trying to rescue the hostages in the desert. Oh. The helicopters, yeah. That's how you see this podcast. Sort of. I mean, good intentions, but bad logistics, a lot of crashed helicopters.

Are you Jimmy Carter in this scenario? I am both Jimmy Carter and I'm also the Shah of Iran. That's on you, man. I don't know what to say. I know. I don't know where. The important thing is I have an incredible mind. But that's the important thing.

Yeah. I wish someone else had said I had an incredible mind. Why did I have to say it myself? You compliment yourself very often. I have to because no one else will. At least when Michelangelo walked around, people were like, Michelangelo, you nailed it. He was like, oh, thanks a lot.

What? Or when Picasso walked around, they were like, Picasso. Cubism. Wow, blew my mind. Oh, thank you. That's OK. I got to do some more stuff. But I walk around and I honestly think I'm in their league

and no one says shit. So I have to say, hey, Conan, you're really funny. You're really influenced a lot of people, Conan. It's sad that I have to do that. So sad. Wouldn't it occur to any of you to say something like that? You know what happened to Beethoven? What?

People say you nailed it and he couldn't hear them. Beethoven was famously deaf. I know. Why did you bring that up? I just think it's sad. Beethoven never thought he was any good. But then someone invented, late in his life, someone invented the thumbs up.

And Beethoven saw it and he was like, oh, he's good. Oh, oh, music is good. Oh, my God. So anyway. Oh, my God. Hello, Ryan. Yeah? Good podcasting.

Good. Jesus. That's all you got? Wow. Good? Wow. Yeah, Arby's makes a good sandwich, I guess. OK.

For the money. Whatever. Let's get into this. I'm excited about today's guest because this is someone I have hung out with in real life and he's a joy. Always funny on my show when he comes on. A great, irreverent wit and thrilled that he could be here. Ladies and gentlemen, I swore I wouldn't say this,

but I do think it's time we address the olefant in the room. Oh, my God. Hey, good podcasting. Wow. I hate everybody and that includes me. Anyway, let's get him in here. Tim olefant. Did you hear that?

I did. We got that. That was incredible. That was unlike. Oh, my God. That's how they say my name in some very small countries in Africa. That noise you made was insulting. It sounded like a little bit like you had gas, but not bad gas.

Listen, the noise is, you have to forgive me, because this is not something I do all the time. And so I don't know how the podcasts work. So you're saying noises are an issue. Oh, my God. You just, he just took, you can't listen. He just took a bite out of the. That's a singular term.

Listener. He just took a bite. Good thing you're honest with yourself. I'm just assuming there's one of you out there. That's good. Out of a wooden plank. Hi, Mom. Continue.

You know. Me, you, the folks, and my mother. That's really helpful. Let's talk. Let's talk. Uh-oh. Here comes a gulp. What are you drinking there, Tim?

That is, by the way. Is that bourbon? Not just bourbon. That is a bourbon called whiskey, as we like to call it. Called Mulholland whiskey, which a dear, he's not really a friend. He's just someone I worked with. But I'm very fond of him. Walt Goggins, or Walton Goggins, as I think if you.

Terrific actor. Yeah, that's not the point. As my son used to love saying, it's his favorite hobbit name. Walt Goggins. Walt Goggins. That's fantastic. He used to say, how's work? And I'd say, good.

He goes, did you, did you tell Walton Goggins to throw the ring into the fire? Just throw the ring into the fire, Walton Goggins. But that's his whiskey. You guys had it. We were here at your, we were doing a little test show down there. And afterwards, your people were so kind to ask me if I wanted a drink. And I said, I think, I should think I should. And they had Walt's whiskey.

And it's quite nice, by the way. It's the first time I've tried it. Thanks for the free bottle, asshole. And that's just in case he's listening. That was directed at Walton Goggins. Yeah, I think that was clear. And it was quite good, by the way. You know what I have to say is that like your characters, you like yourself a good whiskey.

It's true. I'm glad you continue. I thought you were going to stop there. No, no, no. But listen to this. Listen to this. I admire a man that can sit there and drink an amber spirit because I can't. It's not something I do.

You don't see me drink whiskey. I can drink. Wait, we've drank whiskey together. I've seen you drink whiskey. You're saying you're pretending. No, I'm saying it's not. You're like, Tim's drinking it and I'm going to drink it. Exactly.

That's what I do. And then it's embarrassing. Yeah. And then I wake up and I'm wearing a kimono. I thought you sold it. I thought you sold it right up until you started crying. What I'm telling you is that it is not my drink of choice. My drink of choice would be, say, corrupt.

No. No. Listen. Listen. I want you to do some listening here. I know you did that. Study that in the theater. I want to hear this.

Can I just interrupt really quickly? Are you? Because no, I just want to interrupt this really quickly because in fact, I think you'll enjoy this because you're a swimmer, right? Yes, I am. People out there love to swim, swim labs. They're just the best. If you want to be a better swimmer, if you're a beginning swimmer, or if you're an advanced

swimmer. Are you getting paid for this? Wait a minute. Are you getting paid for this? What? Oh, this is only your cash grab? Yes. In fact, it is.

This is my cash grab. See what I did? I flipped it. All these people out there with their podcasts and the cash grab and they're all doing it and you're in there. Get in line. You're in line. And they all have their own shows and they're doing their little thing where they get that.

And I'm like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go on the podcast and this congratulations is the first one. And I'm going to sell my stuff. Swim labs. They know you can see your stroke. They can see it. And you're terrible at this. You're absolutely terrible at this.

They're not going to give you money for this. This is, it sounds like you're promoting strokes. If you've had a stroke, this is, you know, this is how you can tell if someone has an occlusion in their brain when they, when this is how they read off their app. It's going to take off. You watch. It's going to be a big bump. Have you?

Listen, have you contacted them all or you're going to do it now and then wait? They're like little pools and they're like a flume, you know, and then you can swim in them. Cool. If you don't have the big Conan money with the giant house and you get this little swim lab or you can go to a, I think actually, I could be wrong. I think you go to a swim lab. I apologize.

I want to hear more about your alcohol choice. And by the way, I think, I think a lot of people do. Go ahead. I don't know what number podcast this is. I want to say it's like 12 or 14. This is the worst one so far. And it is a mess. It's a hot mess.

There's no flow. You're all over the map. You're a fire hose. I can't argue with you because I've, I tried listening to them and I just couldn't get through it. So. Oh, you haven't listened to any of my podcasts. No, I did.

You are. Come on. No, they're fantastic. They're low. You got a quick wit. Oh, thank you. Yeah. You know how I know that?

How's that? You said it on one of the podcasts. Yeah. That's how you get the word out. Howard Stern calls himself the king of all media and then he's the king of all media. I call myself a quick wit with a handsome face and people buy half of it. Why are you eating so much? You're eating so much.

Oh, can you hear that too? Yeah. What do you mean? You're eating a selection of fruits. I thought the carrot bit was funny. I think it still plays. I'm telling people it's wood you're eating. You're eating through plywood.

A gorelly. Good luck editing this one. This is where I think we need to get to something. This is, this isn't going out. This is where I think we need to get to something. Liz, did I tell you this? Do you feel that? This is a something that keeps the people go, oh, they're actually, tell us about your

alcohol choice. And we still haven't gotten there. All right. What are you from? Just, you're, you're a skittish mayor. It's like I don't know you. You're a skittish mayor and I'm trying to calm you down. We've gone out many, many times.

We have. We've, we've, we've dined. We've dined. We've double dated with our wives. We've double dated. I proposed, I proposed a bit of a key party situation because we both have open minded wives. Liza was into it.

Liza was very into it. Your wife not so much into it. No. Liza very interested. It was when she threw up. That's what, how you could tell. Incredible. Incredible that you would slam me like that.

Yes. Your wife not interested in being with me. My wife very interested in being with you. That's what hurts. Here's the thing. The key party couple swap thing works if both couples are attracted to each other. I get the feeling that I'm the weak link in this thing. Well, she, she asked if you would be, if there was talking involved.

And I think she was like, if he doesn't say anything, I'm in. Oh. I think it was all the talking. Yeah. Can we get back to the- I'll take you there. I've never seen you drink rum. All right.

Did you just say it was your drinking choice? When it's mixed. See, here's the thing I'm trying to tell you is that I like the same drink that a 14-year-old girl likes. Oh, I see. I like those kind of drinks. Sona, back me up on this. Yes.

Yes. I like, I like a rum, I like a rum punch. Gin, if you put some juice in there, we call it in my hood gin and juice. That's not very girly. Gin and juice is like- Gin and juice is hardcore. I know that. That's hardcore.

But what I'm saying is there has to be a fruit drink involved in my alcohol samplings. And what I'm telling you, old chum, is that I'm not the kind of guy who can sit there and savor a 150-year-old malted Scotch whiskey. I can't do it. I don't even know if that's a proper thing that I just said. Was it? I wasn't listening. Oh, sorry.

I actually physically left the room. I wish I could. I know it's a weird thing to aspire to, but I look at you sipping these amber liquids. I used to watch Justified all the time and you were always sipping some kind of bourbon. I was like, yeah, I want to wear an outfit like that. I want to sip that bourbon. But I can't because my character would wear the outfit and then I'd lift into frame something with pineapple and mango and a little, you know, Tiki doll stuck to the side of the glass.

This is fascinating. I would. Can I ask you a question? Sure. What kind of tennis string do you use? Tennis string? Why? I don't know.

Probably. Solenco? Tell me more about Solenco. This is unbelievable. We're getting... Go ahead. Ooh, I lost my Wi-Fi. Solenco.

Yeah, Solenco. It's what the pros use. I don't think that's their tagline. Yeah. What's your whole bit that you're paying for your mortgage? Well, actually, this is so I don't have to stay at your house. You know that. interject quickly. Yeah. People think it's a bit. I do have a beach house. I do have a mortgage.

I am trying to pay it down. And Mr. Olefant has stayed there twice, about to be a third time, right? Aren't you going to go up there with the family? Going, uh, no, just the wife. Oh, just the wife? No, we're not taking the kids. I'll ruin it. Okay. Um, good thing this is going out. Yeah. Well, you, you brought it up. Like, we're going up there more this year. Yep. And then I said, let's do that. Yes. We're free this week, whatever. I gave you a week. And you said, we're not free. Yeah. And I have a feeling this is going to, this is my wife and I are like, this is going to work every time. You. We're just going to keep telling her, we're free. Well, about that week? And they're like, nope. And we're like, oh, and then you guys say, but please go

stay there. And what I want to talk about, and this is what our many listeners are going to hear about. And I don't have to have a podcast to pay for it. So it's fucking great. I think that's why it's language. This is primarily for children. Is that right? Yeah. That makes sense. You and I, you and I, you and I had a weekend together. Oh, wow. And remember this? Yeah, you drank, and we drank all that rum. How could I forget? Okay. With the pineapple. We, uh, we both went to my beach house. We did. Up in the Santa Barbara area. And you and I frolicked in the water together. And this is a true story. It's true. First of all, there's nothing more intimidating and stripping down to your bathing suit and running into the water with Tim Olyphant. But we're both in the

water together. And you saw a fin right near your head. And you sort of in that cool, hey, it's no big deal. Tim Olyphant way. You said, well, is this like a dolphin? And I said, no, that's a shark. And it was a shark. It was. Yeah. And the shark was very attracted to you. I remember that. Um, when do we let the air out of the balloon by telling it was a harmless shark? It was a harmless shark. Yeah. But it was a shark though. It was a shark that had lost its teeth. Yeah. Yeah. It's still four or five feet. It was a long shark, but it came very close to both of us. We didn't freak out. We were very calm. Good. I could take off a toe. Yeah. Um, you went back on your iPhone again. Because I was trying to pull up my ads. I figured I'd just read them off the

phone, but now I have a Wi-Fi issue. Yeah. We usually don't allow Wi-Fi in here because I like people to be focused and looking at me. Oh, here we are. Selenco. Is it terrible? Oh, please. I'm just, what are you, tell me about Selenco. Okay, here we go. They specialize in development and production of the highest quality of and technologically advanced performance tennis equipment. You're not getting paid for this. No, but they might, I might get some, I might, I'll get some free strings. I'll see to it. Strings are expensive. You know what's going to happen? They're going to send the strings here, and I will not send them to you as punishment for trying to do ads on my podcast. Okay. There's only one guy. You really,

no, I'm sorry. You put a hole in my whole thing. You think the same thing about the gingerbread house I had them to do later? Let's, let's let that be a surprise. All right, let's, let's find that out. I feel like that's the last. They're going to shut us. If we don't talk about something at some point, I do think they're going to shut us down. I think we should remind ourselves, and maybe this is what you're doing, that we are asking for people of their time. And perhaps we're not valuing it, putting enough value. Oh, I value it. Well, you do. I value their time. I think. Well, don't tell them something. They want to tell them something. They're like, Oh, I didn't know that. I mean, Malcolm Gladwell, he tells people things that

you're like, Oh my God, I had no idea. The peanut is neither a pea nor a nut. It's a legume. There you go. That's a fact. There you go. Yeah. See, that's cold. A quick wit. But enough about me. Do you think that we are unlikely friends? For example, you and I have hung out many times. Yes. And we go to restaurants. Do people think, wait, why is Tim Hall of Fent hanging out with Conan O'Brien? Do we look like a mismatch? Sona, do we look like a mismatch to you? Be honest. Yeah. And why is that? Well, because Tim seems very laid back and very chill. And those are not two things I would describe you as laid back and chill. I mean, but I don't know if that's how you are. He really is laid back and chilled. No, I don't think that's true. You are. You are

very laid back and chill. You're very, you're a guy that shows up and you've got your Panama hat and your board shorts. And it's true. And he's wearing his, you know what I mean? He's wearing his Serachos or Clopados. I'm making up words now. What do you wear on your feet when you're relaxed? You're your Zabadonis. He is a very chill guy. And it looks when you're relaxing and hanging out and you're dressed in Tim Hall of Fent, hang out, so Cal style. It's very natural. When I wear shorts, people call an ambulance. They think what's wrong with him, you know? Well, yeah. I mean, first thing, there's a certain, you reflect a lot of light. And so at first it's just like, what's that bright object coming this way? So that throws them. When we hung out on the beach,

were you shocked at my body? Be honest. Were you shocked by the appearance of my body? You saw me in just bathing suit. Let me tell you something. I'm a little preview. I don't know when this podcast is coming out, but you got your new format or your new show coming out. And I really feel shorts. I think you should think about shorts. Shorts on the show. Yeah, because you've gotten rid of the desk. Yeah. And it just cries out for wear some shorts. No one wants to see that. No, but. Why did you say no so quickly? I'm just trying to be polite, agreeing with you. No, I'm not going to wear shorts on the show. No. But what I want to get back to. Okay. Corrowing you is, man, very difficult. We're talking about our unlikely friendship. You're like a kitten at a

rave. You're just all over the map. You're distracted by colors. You're spinning. You're pawing at the air. I don't know. So is completely losing it on that one. Your people are picking you up and you get loose and then you run again. I am trying to get a cogent interview with Tim Oliphant and it's impossible. It's absolutely impossible. Always lands on his feet though. That's all I could add to it. Tim. Yes. Andy Richter said something to me recently. He said, because he loves you as well as I do. We both love all the different roles that you've played and he was saying, you know. I'm genuinely interested in this. He said, and I think he mentioned it to you tonight, man, you should play more villains. You're so good. You're great at

what you're doing. He did say that. He did say that and I get that. I think you have an evil in your eyes that you could draw from and you have drawn from and you can be a mean mofo on screen. Does it come across in the podcast? Yeah. Can people feel it? Do you think? I think people, as I'm talking right now, they're like, do you think they're like, yeah, I could see that in his eyes. So the question is, why don't you? Well, the question is, are you drawn? Would you be drawn to playing some real badass? Let me explain one of which which we'll get back to why we're friends, the mystery. Let me tell you some of the differences. This chill thing, it's an act, but. That's not an act. You're pretty chill.

This is true. I don't know what it is, but I feel I'm constantly trying to figure out how I can get away with doing less work and where you, you've got the show, you've got the podcast, you've got the travel thing that's streaming now. You've got the closing line that you're doing. So when you watch the show, you can click and then buy the tie. Do you like what Conan's wearing? It's right. You're like the new Gwyneth Paltrow. I am. I have a jade egg in my ass right now. I wanted you to know that. Exactly. This is my point. So I don't know where I'm going with this,

but this idea of playing more villains, I think about playing less villains. You mean working less. I guess I am thinking about working. You know, villains, is that the question? Why don't I play more villains? Or is it just a comment you should play villains? It wasn't why don't you? I don't want to, you're. See, if I was relaxed and chill, I wouldn't get so hung up on this. Yeah. It wasn't why don't you? And I see this is the thing is I'm sensing now your insecurity that you. Exactly. That wait, why is Conan saying this? Does that mean he thinks I should do that?

No, you have the burden of being good at many things. You have the burden of being able to play the lead. But I think you also are a badass character actor. Thank you. I thank you for years. I'm taking that as a comment for years. I mean, I mean, for years, I made a living basically playing character roles like bad guys and flashy kind of roles. And it was a blast. And then probably deadwood, I guess, was sort of the first leading, like that's like a leading man role. I mean, the guy was angry all the time. But that was so much more difficult at the time anyway. Did you were you self conscious about playing a leading man guy?

Yeah, I felt like a phony. Yeah, I do. I think it was very difficult at the time. I felt like, you know, you feel the burden. That's where I felt playing the bad guys, a piece of cake, you show up, you chew up the scenery and you get to be funny and, you know, a good bad guy role. That's bad non into like die hard bad guy role that I played. That's not that fun because you're just kind of, you know, there's not a lot of it's not that fun. I would put you, I shouldn't say that out loud. Well, no, but you know, that's like, but I'm being serious. I think you're in the same, I put you in the same category as Brad Pitt, which is a guy who is, in my opinion, and I think this is rare. You've got everything you need to be the lead, and you're also equally adept,

shockingly adept for people who would normally be thought of as the lead at doing character stuff like Brad Pitt. And you have both done a lot of really good character work. You think about like him and 12 monkeys or whatever. It's just they're able to throw a switch and do that stuff that and it almost feels unfair. It feels unfair that you guys like you and Brad Pitt can, you can be the lead and justified and you can anchor that lead and you can play that to perfection. And you can play the guy that everybody really likes who's got this integrity and you're the center of the show, but you can also play an incredibly evil motherfucker. And I think that's that puts you in an interesting position. Well, I appreciate the compliment. I take it as a compliment

because I'm a big Brad Pitt fan. I tell you, I worked with Brad Pitt on the Quentin Tarantino show. Yeah. And I came home from the read through after spending a few hours there with, and there was all these amazing people at that table. But because it's a huge, it's a crazy cast. It's like, I don't know if you're allowed to say who's in it. Yeah. Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, you, Margot Robbie, yeah, all these people. And I came home and I was like, honey, I've always told you, I would never leave you for another woman, but I might leave you for Brad Pitt. Yes. He's really wonderful. Yeah. You know, it's so funny, I have said that, not that exact thing to my wife, but I've always said, I'm not attracted to men. But then I've,

there have been times where I've said like, yeah, Brad Pitt is a really good looking guy. Now, I don't know what that means. I don't, I don't. Are we circling back to our friendship? Well, I was also going to, I was also going to say, I was also going to say when you and I were at the beach house. Oh, that was just, you were, listen, do you and I were at the beach house? And I did have a moment of, we're pals. Yeah. We're friends. Yeah. I don't think anything's going to happen. But when I'm in a beach house with Tim Oliphant, and Brad Pitt's not around, you know, the mind wanders. And I think that's perfectly, and you felt that vibe too, which is why I think you locked your door. Remember when I kept knocking on your door

at two in the morning saying, I think I left something in there. And you were saying you didn't leave anything in here. You left nothing in here. This is the guest room. I'm pretty sure I left my, my bite guards in there. Can I need to come get it? Tell me where it is. I'll get it. No, Tim, I should come in. This is going to come in and get my bite guard. Because I grind at night. But I do think I will say, don't judge something. I value, don't judge. I'm sorry. That would be a beautiful coupling. Good God. I do say this in all honesty, that I think you are in a great position to play the heavy and to play the lead. And I feel like you're gonna, you're gonna, that was clear. I just had to, I had to get away from the other part. What part didn't you think we

understood? I just thought, I saw gorelly looking at me and he was motioning me to get off of the me trying to get into your room at night thing. Are you kidding? That was getting steamy. I wanted to see it through to the end. Yeah, people, I think that's really, did I, did I bail on that one too soon? My taste. Okay. You really got it going with the bite guards. Well, you know what? Sexier than bite guards. The only thing sexier than bite, bite guard is orthotics. I once had to say it sounded like, and I once, yeah. Tim, you see my orthotics? It's the way you say it too. Tim. And there's that knocking, that sad knocking at the door. Tim. Tim. And that's just maybe a scratching at the door. Conan, what is it I'm trying to say? My orthotics. Like why would a guy need his orthotics

at night? My orthotics. I just need to come in momentarily, Tim, for my orthotics. I don't want to break the vibe because we really have some momentum here. You know what? Finally. But there is no way you can have fun making a wonkalicious gingerbread house. It's a great idea to get ready for the holidays. And yeah, the holidays already happened. But now's when you can get them on. Holidays are a long gun. Wait, so you buy an old gingerbread house? There's no such thing as a, you walked right, you're helping me selling. There's no such thing as an old gingerbread house. Yes, there is. A gingerbread house that is past its expiration date is an old. You're not going to eat it. You're not going to eat it. If anything, you're just going to take the candies off the top.

But even those start to go. And by the way, on these gingerbread houses, I mean, it comes with, hold on a second. You're terrible at this. Sweethearts, Tetsy Rolls, M&Ms. It's all part of it. Can we do something unprecedented where you take an ad break in the middle of his ad? You know what? I'm going to do that. Tim, you know what we're going to do? We're going to take an ad break. We're going to make so much money on this podcast. We're going to take a break. And I'm going to play an ad where I actually hope to get some money, although I've not seen anything yet from this whole endeavor. But then when we come back, we can hear more of your ad. You cool with that? This has never happened in podcast history.

We're taking a break from your ad to get to my ad to come back to your ad. You cool with that? I guess that's not something I really just talked about with my sponsors. We'll be right back. It's time for this segment. Conan O'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house. Yeah. Something I didn't think about, and I should have thought about it, global warming. This beach house is not perched high above a sea level. It's probably the lowest house on the beach. It's very low. I mean, there are times when I get out of the water and I start walking towards the beach house, and it's a small beach house. And I swear to God, I'm walking down

to get to the beach house. And so now I'm being told I should probably build like a retaining wall because the water is just going to keep rising. I see other houses around that are on a high promontory or a cliff. Mine is, I don't know what an engineer would call it. He'd say it's like in a hole. So I'm a little worried about the water getting to the beach house. So I've got, now they say I have to build something that's going to add to the amount of time it takes to pay this thing down. Yeah, sounds like it. Did you just find out about global warming? You know what, I had heard talk about it. Now I had. I heard about talk about it at parties and stuff like that. But because it wasn't about show business or my career, I tended to not really listen.

Okay. And then I bought the beach house and then they said, no, no, this affects everybody. And then I wished I had been listening at those parties. But to be fair, I never stayed at those parties very long. Why? I get asked to leave a lot. No, I actually, I can see that. Yeah, people think I'm kind of a downer. So anyway, here we go. Retaining wall, beach house, big mortgage, a lot of work to do. Let's get started. Okay, we are back. That was the gingerbread cottage kid. They're fun to make and display. You can use this. You can do the Tootsie gingerbread Christmas cottage. It's fun for the family. It's a fun Christmas activity. We just had Christmas. So everyone

knows I'm telling the truth. Let me ask you a question, Tim. Can I just break in for a second? Why do you need this kit to make a log house out of Tootsie rolls? They are pre-fashioned logs. Not just Tootsie rolls. Dots. Yeah. Gum. Yeah. There's no baking required. Yeah. I could take, I'm telling you right now and not to shit on your product, but I could take Tootsie rolls. I didn't make it. I just love it. And I could build a house and then I could throw some dots on it. Does it smell that good? Sure. Because it's the ginger smell that's so great. No, I would pour a little bit of ginger oil on it. Is that a real thing, ginger oil? Did I just make that up? It's got to be. I pour cologne on it and then it would smell amazing. You can do what

you want with yours. They're available at the Beehive, Bees Candy Store. I have to say, all the podcasts till now have been smooth as silk. I think I'm going to get offered a, is it, are these things like the kind of thing where like, oh, if you do really well on the podcast, they'll offer you one? No. No, it's not like. You can literally just start making one of these. No, maybe like, you know, you should say like, oh, if you're really good as a guest star on that show, they'll give you your own show. Right. Right. No, no, no, the bar has lowered a lot since then. Meaning. You're thinking of the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s. Wow, you did a great job on friends. Yeah. We might spin you off and give you your own show. Yeah. Or you just. No, this is,

podcasts don't work that way. No, no. You just start talking into your iPhone and you have a podcast. Oh, they don't offer you one? It's not like someone swoops in and says, all of it. Listen, we heard you on Conan. Love what you're doing. How would you like your own podcast? You know, Gorley, you know more about this than I do. I'm just talking. You're kind of saying like a Burt Reynolds was a guest host on the Tonight Show and suddenly or Joan Rivers. And now we see talent here and the scouts, the podcast scouts are listening. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. They're like, why? I don't think their iPhone is blowing up. They're like, why is this guy not have his own podcast? I mean, this is guy. He probably does. He's made for it. He probably

does. Has he done them? Does he have his own? They're like, no, no, he just came on. He's a guest on Conan. They're like. He's talking about himself. That was talking about himself. Oh, I see. I see. What I'm saying, Tim, and the way he read the copy, he you know how many gingerbread houses I just sold in mid January. That's pretty impressive. So you think that you're using your show to audition for your own podcast? Is that what you're saying? I'm using your show. Yeah, to audition for your own podcast. Yeah, that's what I just said. I wasn't listening. And this has been something we've been hearing from a lot of listeners. Conan, you have a network of podcasts coming up. Maybe now's the time to, you know. Would you want to have your own podcast?

Wait a minute. You have a, that's a question I have. I mean, because I think our friendship is going to survive. But can I make money? I think it's going to survive this. But I, the question I think I'm asking, and I'm sure listeners are asking too, is what's in it other than the friendship part? Is there money here for me to make? I mean, other than the money I've made here, you know, just snuck in some swim lab and all that kind of money. I'm quite certain you'll be paid by no one for your, your fake ads today. Because you got all this stuff. You got your website. Yeah. And right. And people flock to it. Flock. Now, can I have a show on your website? Well, we could talk about that. I would like to see more tape on you. I'd like to see. Wow.

I'd like to see, you know, honestly, I'd like, it's fine. It's fine. That's the way you want to play it. That's fine. But I would want to see more for performance because I have a feeling my, as Matt said, I think, I think I'm about to get a lot. I think it's going to be like a, I'll have choices. You think you'll have choices after this airs? I think after this airs, you might be hospitalized. I think it's a good chance. The podcast air, by the way. Is that what they do? They don't even, they drop. What do they do? They upload. But hear me out. So why are you talking like that? You're embarrassing yourself. You in the hospital doing a podcast. By the way, that's gold. You in the hospital being treated for your

chronic inability to focus would be effective. By the way, I tried to focus earlier. I was going to go down that whole thing about talking about villains playing versus leading role. And then you went on this very homoerotic, overtly. Don't put a judgment on that. I didn't judge it. You know what I am? I am pansexual. But I am all sexes at once. And yet I am no sex. I don't know what's happening. And by the way, you know, it's wild about that whole thing. What? It's sexy. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, thank you. I appreciate that. Thank you. Listen, going back to my point is I do think we're an odd couple. Now we're a couple. Well, when we go out as friends, when we go out as friends,

now I had talked to you years ago about you and I possibly doing a movie together. Does Liza listen to? No. She doesn't. Well, actually, she's heard some of the podcast. She does. Yeah. She is a giver. My wife is an incredible person, a lovely person. I was at a party the other night. And I saw a, this is terrible. I can't remember anyone's name. It doesn't matter. It's not the point of the story. The point of the story is, I saw an actress at this party and we said hello. And I said to my wife, you know her, she was in the second season. She was wonderful. She was in the second season justified. And I just, I wish people could see me. This is what my wife did. She's like.

For those of you who can't see, Tim just shrugged and smiled, as if to say, I can't help you. Yeah. Oh, you know what? I have. I didn't name an episode. It wasn't anything. I said an entire season. I've been like arguably some of the best work I've ever done or been involved with. I mean, it's certainly in the top couple. And, and she, it was just like a shrug. Like, what do you, I don't know. But here's what I'm like, wow. Wow. And by the way, you know, I know we think it's great. It's great. Listen, listen, I'm a huge, she's the best. You're the greatest thing. This is something that our wives have in common because my wife misses years at a time of my show. And, and I respect her for that. I respect her more for that. Yeah. No, I have a fantasy

that I get nominated for an Oscar. And then it is as the award show approaches, she says, well, Sunday, I've got the blah, blah, blah. And I say, well, we got that's the the Oscars are Sunday. And she's like, that's kind of your thing. Not it's in the dress. Not it's in the red carpet. That's kind of a your thing. Okay. That's totally yes. I can totally see. I love that. I think that's a great quality. I love that my wife has a borderline contempt for what I do. I think that's a good quality. She's like, okay, you go off and you do that. And I'll do this and we'll we'll meet back here tonight.

Yeah. You know, let me ask you a question. You can decide whether it's serious or not. Because you've done a couple of these podcasts now. How many have we done? We've done quite a number. We've yeah, we've done about 14 or 15. Yeah, recorded. There's 12 out. Yeah. And how are they doing, Mr. Gorley? So well. Yeah, I say that with no, yeah, he's no irony. Yeah. And it shocks me that these are doing so well. Are you now at the this could be a dip. That's okay. I'm okay with it. I'm comfortable with it. We accepted. I have no social media. Does that hurt tonight's podcast? No, I think the word of mouth on this thing is going to be great. The word of mouth. Yeah. Yeah. Old fashioned word of mouth. People wind up my sales way to turn that frown around.

Okay, so I don't need to get an Instagram or Twitter thing. No, people are going to hear about this. They're going to say, I'm worried about Tim Allafant. He was all over the map. I'm going to get a podcast. Tony did the best he could. And we should contact Tim and get him some help. Now, okay, I got two questions because I don't have the I don't have the social media. Whatever you call it. There's a platform. Thank you. I don't have any. Yeah, that thing. I could get some. In fact, here's a fun thing I've been thinking lately is that there's all these people that I read about in the news that are in trouble for tweets that they did years ago. Yeah. And I've never had a Twitter account. Right. So I don't have that problem. So I have this fun fantasy where

I hire a publicist to announce that I'm joined Twitter. And then my first tweet is like hashtag me too. More like hashtag. And then the publicist is like five minutes later. All of it quits Twitter. After one tweet. I've set up the joke. That's 10 years in the making. Yes. I just joined. You see what I did there? I see exactly. I set it up. You waited and then it's one tweet and you're out. I'm out. There's no like, oh my God, we found a past tweet. There is no past tweet. So I open with one. No, then you got to apologize. Oh, I can't just quit. Well, you can you can go use other media to apologize. So sad. We're just getting warmed up. We're just getting warmed up. Incredible. What's warmed up for you? What have you had an opportunity here? I missed it. I paid

you many compliments. You've had an opportunity to return one or two. I don't think first of all, he said anything. First of all, I don't know anything that's happened. I just know that you first of all, you know, I adore you a door. I'm not afraid to say it. And why didn't you unlock the door? I just wanted, I just wanted my bike guard and my orthotics. Why didn't you just let me in? Did I say a door? I meant, you know, I like a door between us. Exactly. Exactly what you meant. It is exactly what you meant. I think we've had a wonderful chat. I think that good luck to you, Mr. Gorley. I know you're going to piece this together. Do you think you have the tools to pull this together? I don't I thoroughly enjoyed this. I yeah, it's it's got a different it's got

a different feel. It's it doesn't move like the others, but in a way it's beautiful. It may need to just go out as is unfettered just really beauty of it. Yeah. Yeah. And then someone could study study it to just determine what's wrong with the human mind. You have you've damaged my career here today. Oh my god. Here we go. Here it comes. Let's hear it. Oh my god. You will get no calls from the podcast community. I promise you that you will get none. Is there a pot? There's a podcast podcast community until you pronounce that you can. But you can be so cruel sometimes. But you're a delightful friend in real life in real life. We're good friends. We're an odd couple. We're strange when we walk into a restaurant,

the eye goes to you and then to me and people say what's going on? What's happening? I thoroughly enjoy spending time with you as do I you. Yeah. And it's endlessly fascinating and entertaining and informative. And we have some good laughs until we cry until we cry. I'm one of these people is like maybe maybe I want to get out of show business. Yeah. Like one of those people. Right. I've always wanted to do ceramics. Yeah, that would be a mistake. That kind of thing. Yeah. I get that way. I go that way. Yeah. Ceramics podcast. Oh, where we talk about ceramics. You just do them. You make it. You hear the wheel in the back. Yeah. I think you can see that I'm pretty good at drawing stuff. I was an art major and I got to tell you that has little to no value.

Okay. I like this person I just drew. I think this person has, I think this is, I think this is cool what I just drew. It's kind of a tribal thing. It's a tribal thing. I think that shows some ability. By the way, people offer that dagger. You know what? I'm going to, that is nice. You added that little, that's a nice touch. I feel like that would make a good sticker. You know what? We've taken a podcast and we've all looked at a drawing that no one can see. It's good stuff. And you've chewed things no one can. It's good stuff. It's a complete waste of the medium. All right. Tim, all offense. Yes, yes. Thank you so much. Thank you. You're a good, and this was unlike anything I've done before.

I love it. This is fresh podcasting territory. This is a new, we broke through to something that maybe we got to repair the wall and keep it, keep it separated. This is podcasting jazz. This should be quarantined. Yeah. This is a jazz podcast. Yeah. I love it. Okay. Well, I'm glad you feel that way and I appreciate you having me. And I mean that sincerely. I think you do. I don't even need to add that part. You didn't. I think that was, as you said earlier, that was clear. And now it's time for another installment of Conan O'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house. A few episodes ago, we discussed the fact that on a voicemail question,

someone mentioned that in the Wax Museum, Boston's Dreamland Wax Museum, full of Boston's great luminaries, there's no Conan O'Brien. They heard this segment and they have since responded in a very formal letter on Boston's Dreamland letterhead station. By the way, I grew up in Boston, raised there. I still go back regularly because most of my family still lives there. I've never heard of this museum. So that was a surprise. Yeah. Then to hear they do have one and that I wasn't in there was a little hurtful, but I'm not a, I don't think of myself as a vain or boastful man. You okay? Oh, cold. Cold. Yeah. Didn't sound like a cold. Yeah. Just a little tickle.

But anyway, I think the person who called in on the voicemail said that they went to the Dreamland Wax Museum. They didn't see a Conan O'Brien. They asked the, I don't know what you'd call the caretaker. General manager Bianca Cordoso. They asked the person there, don't you have a Conan O'Brien? And she said, no, we don't, but we have sort of like we don't need a Conan O'Brien because we have Whoopi Goldberg. And that kind of blew me away because sure, Whoopi Goldberg is great, but she's not from Boston. And we did the research and found out that she's from, I believe, like New York and California. She has no connection to Boston. So anyway, that's where we are. They, I think they've heard from people,

they heard what we said on the podcast and they've responded. That's right. And Sona has the letter. This is from general manager Bianca Cardoso of Dreamland Wax. Okay, here we go. Dear Boston icon Conan O'Brien. Okay. You know what I want to say? Strong start to the letter. From the site of Paul Revere's Silver Smith shop in Boston City Hall Plaza, we at Dreamland Wax Museum thank you and your color gene for drawing attention to America's heartfelt cries for your likeness through your podcast. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. A little sarcastic, but go ahead. Yes, we have Whoopi Goldberg along with Elvis and every US president. No, we do not have new kids on the block. And in parentheses, it says please. What does that mean? That means, I don't know,

it's like please as if we'd have new kids on the block. New kids on the block, I think, or aren't they Boston? Yeah, but last time you made fun of them, you said they work on a ship. Um, and that they are. I have a lot of respect for people in the maritime industry. I was not making fun of them. I was saying that. Yes, you were. No, I was not. No, I was not. We continue to grow and add wax figures since our 2017 opening and we appreciate your permission to. 2017 opening. They've been around for less than like a year. Yeah. Wow. Okay. That's probably why you don't know it, but also they say that they're a Boston wax museum wise Elvis in there. Good old Bostonian Elvis. He boy did he love his chowder. Maybe I'm getting the feeling that they just take whatever

statue comes their way. I'm sorry. I don't have these answers for you. Okay. Well, is there more of this letter? Yeah, there is. We continue to grow and add wax figures since our 2017 opening and we appreciate your permission to add the likeness of Boston's greatest icon, the 25 year late night television veteran affectionately known far and wide as Coco. With all haste, we will address your temporary absence and look forward to working with you and your conico staff, except Jordan Schlansky to bring your beloved spirit sick burn on Jordan. Yeah. To bring your beloved spirit to bean town. Warmest regards, Bianca Cardoso, general manager, Dreamland wax museum. Well, okay. I will say that was a that's a sweet letter. Yes. And I appreciate Bianca. I appreciate

your very kind and prompt response. If you're going to reply directly to her, you should know that we have her on the line right now. Is she on the line right now? I would love to speak to her. Okay, good. Hello. Is this Bianca Cardoso? This is she. You are the general manager of Boston's Dreamland wax museum. That's me. Oh, hi, Bianca. Oh, no, you're not in trouble. This is Conan O'Brien calling. Hi, Conan. Thank you for taking my call. I'm doing very well. I think it's time we spoke because an issue came up. A fan, I think, went to the Dreamland, a fan of mine, went to the Boston Dreamland wax museum, and they were shocked to find out here at a Boston wax museum that there's no Conan O'Brien, arguably, what, three most famous Bostonians ever? Probably?

Are you laughing? Do I hear giggling? No, no, I'm agreeing with you. Oh, I thought I heard you laughing at me. Okay. No, no. Maybe three is like five, top five. It's like me, Larry Bird, Paul Revere. I can't even honestly think of anyone else. I think that's it. Whitey Bulger. You'll have to excuse my friend. Matt Gorley just picked up the phone. I didn't realize he'd had access to this call. So, Bianca, this fan, I think, approached you at the wax museum and said, where is the Conan O'Brien? And you said, we don't have a Conan O'Brien, but we do have whoopee Goldberg as if we were interchangeable. Now, I have a lot of respect for whoopee. I really do, and I love whoopee Goldberg, but I don't think you can just say, well, we don't have Conan,

but we do have whoopee. Conan, let me explain. Okay. I don't want you to be defensive. No, no, no, I'm not. No, no, no. You should relax and do not be defensive, but just know that if you don't answer my questions to my liking, I'll do everything I can to bring your organization down. But don't be defensive. Anyway, go ahead. Thank you. Thank you, Conan. Thank you for this opportunity to explain myself. Okay. Gene, she sent me an email, so I'll read her email as she read mine. She said, do you have a Conan O'Brien wax figure? Why or why not? And then period, do you have any other comedians? Thank you so much. So that's why I said, no, unfortunately, we don't have Conan O'Brien yet, exclamation point. But answering her question, if we have

any other comedians, that's when I said we do have whoopee. Right. I see. I see. You know what? The way you explain it clarifies it a lot. And I think, I love my fans, but I feel like she may be, Gene, maybe misrepresented the situation a little bit. What I don't like about Gene's question, now that I can hear her email, is she said, do you have Conan O'Brien? And she more or less said, if you don't, why? And if you do, why? Isn't that sort of what she asked? Yes. So that's rude. That's like, if you've got it, if you had said, yes, we have Conan, she was going to ask why. So now I'm mad at my fan, and I'm not mad at you. Okay, good. So let's get to the problem of fixing the situation. Is there going to be a Conan O'Brien now? Because I have a lot of family

in Boston, they would love to go to a wax museum and look at a wax me. I think they'd prefer it to the real me. How are we going to get this done? Well, you tell me, do we have your permission to add you to the wax museum? Yes, you do. But I'm curious, how are you going to get a wax figure of me? So that's where my first, my second request comes in. You want me to make the wax figure? Well, would you? I'm sure that this is, what an honor. I want to say, what an honor that you have said, you will put a wax statue of me in your museum, as long as I make it and ship it to you. What a rare honor for me. If you can't do that, if it's not within your expertise, we would love to send our artists down to LA to get your measurement tool, probably need two hours of your

time to get all your measurements done and take hundreds of pictures of you to make sure we have the best wax figure of Conan O'Brien in our museum. Let me be frank with you, I don't need this to be that good. No. I think your standards are higher than mine. Do you have a Tilda Swinton? Because I look just like her. All you have to do is put a heat lamp on the face, get it a little soft, and mush it up a little. So it's not, it's sort of a square face and not as attractive. And you've got Conan O'Brien, and you can just leave the dress on because there was two years in my life where I wore a dress. So that, do you have a Tilda Swinton? We don't, unfortunately not. Okay. Do you have a Seershire Ronan? She's an actress right now. You could do the same thing, a little heat

lamp on the face, mush it up a bit. I pretty much have the same body as those two attractive women, and you've got your Conan O'Brien. Does that work? Oh, Conan, it will have to be you. Let me pitch something else. There is a statue of me, a wax statue, and I hate to mention a competitor, and I know you like to imagine that they don't exist. Madame Tussauds in Hollywood has a wax Conan that they made in 2010. I've seen him. I actually just went on my honeymoon to LA, and I saw your wax figure there. Excuse me. And I took a picture with it. Excuse me. You run a wax museum, and on your honeymoon you went to the other wax museum. I did. That is so sad. You know what I did on my honeymoon? I took my wife to Talk Show Island, where you get a desk and

you interview guests for six days in a row. Just so I know, is it Boston figures that are in your wax museum? We have some. Because I heard you had Elvis there, and I was like, wait, did he grow up in Roxbury? Yes, we have Elvis too. What other celebrities do you have? Tell me. Well, we have Tom Brady. I know he's not from Boston. But he should be there, Tom Brady. And also, basically, my face is pretty much identical to his. So why are you... That's not nice. Sorry. No, I really do. People often think I'm Tom Brady. When I walk around, people say, oh my god, I can't believe it. Six Super Bowls. And I go, no, no, no, no, that's Tom Brady. And they're like, where's Giselle? And I'm like, please, I'm not Tom Brady. I'm Conan LeBron. So you could put a few freckles on the

Tom Brady, and then you've got me. What other celebrities do you have? We have Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck. He's from Boston, right? I think he's from Cambridge. Matt Damon. Yeah, yeah. Whenever people say Boston, it's... Yeah, we got Damon and Affleck. You know, what about other... There are other people from Massachusetts who've done pretty well. Are they even still in movies? I mean, Matt Damon, I thought he was in real estate now. So you only have a few Boston celebrities, and then you have... We do. And then you just have lots of other people. Like, who are the other people? We have all the presidents. Right. We have world leaders like the Pope and Mother Teresa. Oh, the Pope's from Framingham. He's from Framingham. Yeah, and Mother Teresa's from Brockton. Who else

do you have? We have the Queen. Yeah, she grew up in Newton. She was in Newton North. She ran... When I ran track for Brookline, she was at our track rival at Newton North. She did the Two Mile. Oh, wow. That's a true story. I believe you. Yeah. Who else? Who else you got? We have Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber. Yeah, he grew up in the North Shore. Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn Monroe. Yeah, she grew up near Logan Airport. Einstein. Einstein. Yeah, he was from Chelsea. From Bill Gates. Bill Gates. Yeah, lived near the Light and Leisure building over in Framingham. Yeah, it sounds like you've got a very Boston museum. So this is what we're gonna do. You can take the different measurements. You'll be stunned by some of them. So I heard. Yeah, I have very

long legs. I've heard there's something going on with your torso or something. I don't know. A reporter told me. Yes. I don't know. What was that all about? Torsos? I have a very short torso and I have long legs. Here's what I need you to do, Bianca, before we wrap this up. Add some stuff to the butt because I have a very lean posterior. Sonia, do you want to lean in on this one? Yeah, sure. I'd love to talk about your ass real quick. No, I have no ass. Yes, but I don't think she could just embellish things. I don't think that's the wax figure code. No, are you allowed to, Bianca, embellish things a little bit if I ask you to? You know, whatever you want, Conan. Okay, I'd like a little more in the back. I'd like more in the back and in the front,

if you know what I'm saying. Okay, oh god. You know, let's just beef the whole everything up. What? It's noted. Okay. All right, maybe a six pack. Well, no one's gonna see. Oh, will I be shirtless? What am I wearing in this? Well, I don't know. You tell me. We can do. How about not shirtless, but no shirt, but just overalls with the straps? Yes. And then you'll see the six pack. And I want it to be sort of a farmer theme. Okay. Okay. We'll get this all worked out. We'll do that. You know what, Bianca, you're a wonderful person. Thank you very much for getting back to me. My parents still live, they live in Brookline. They're going to be so happy to go down to your wax museum and see a statue that looks pretty much nothing like me.

Would you come? Of course. If you make this statue, if we can get this done, I will go there happily. But you've been a dream to talk to you. Thank you, Conan. We'll have your statue ready in a few months. Thank you so much. Maybe more like 10, but we'll have it ready soon. Wait, you said a few months, maybe more like 10. Bianca, I'm gonna, Bianca, I'm coming there in 30 days. Start the clock. I'm coming in 30 days, Bianca. All right, I have to go to get this done. Yeah, freckles on the Tom Brady. All right. No. Bye bye. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself, produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Ear Wolf.

Special thanks to Jack White and the White Stripes for the theme song. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. You can rate and review this show on Apple podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever find podcasts or download.