Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Timothy Olyphant Returns

Episode Date: January 23, 2023

Timothy Olyphant feels splendiferous about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Timothy and Conan sit down once more to discuss their unique friendship, being shot at in New Orleans while filming Justified: City Primeval, and a possible new talk show featuring the two of them.

Hi, my name is Timothy Oliphant, and I feel splendiferous being Conan O'Brien's son. Hey, Conan O'Brien here. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. This is a bit of a different episode, and I'll tell you why. Normally, our podcast begins with myself and Sonam of Sassian and Matt Gorillia chewing the fat, talking about things, and then we get to the celebrity interview. Well, here's what happened. Mr. Timothy Oliphant had an idea. He came in, we were chatting, we had very good talk, and then at the end of the talk, he said, now, wait a minute, I want to do the opening of the show. And we thought, okay, why not? So you're about to hear Tim Oliphant do the opening of the show. His sidekick for this was Adam Sacks, who was there at the time, our good pal, and podcast guru. And so we're all together. We're in New York City. Tim starts things going. And then if you want, you listen to the whole thing. At the end, you'll hear Timothy Oliphant come up with the idea for doing the opening that you've already heard. And then you can go back and listen to that opening again. And it can be a loop from which you never escape and listen to for the rest of your natural life.

Anyway, here with the unusual opening of the show, good friend of mine, terrific talent, Timothy Oliphant. Yeah, this is Tim Oliphant. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. And the fall is here. Which might be the best thing about this podcast. Don't tell Conan I said that. I'm a big fan of that Jack White song. Technically, that's a white stripe song. Yeah, it probably is. If only we had little devices in our pockets where we could look that up. I'm a fan of the white stripes in the Jack White and the Conan O'Brien. I mean, he might need more friends. All this way, sort of the podcast. That's what it says. That's a way in. Yeah, it is a way in. It's just a way in. But the premise was that he has these friends that he sees in a like Hollywood friends that he sees in a professional setting,

but rarely does he socialize with them outside of the professional setting. Like rarely does he get dinner with them, hang out in a real social way. But I think you're an exception to the sort of premise of the show. You know what? You might be right. And as you say it, I actually don't know. I feel like he's more social than he does. I feel like he gets out more often than we. He's very well liked. He is. And I've been to his home and when he's had people over and people love him, I think it's a gimmick. Yeah, it's a gimmick. I think it's a. Yeah, it is a gimmick. But the theme song works really well with the. But the theme song really needs really well.

And you know, you got to come up with something. Here's the point. I've listened to the show when he's had very, very special guests, people that mean a lot to him and he just does away with the intro. Yeah, like a former First Lady Michelle Obama, something like that. He won't do the intro. Did he? And even speaking of Mr. White, I don't. Did he do an intro on why? I think he just went right into the show. That's possible, too. It's possible. Yeah. Oh, it's it's it's special guests. And also if it goes really, if it goes really long, sometimes we'll say, let's just skip the intro altogether. OK, I did one of those two things. I'm one of those two. I went long, but I'm not.

So yeah, because I asked him about the intro, that that's like a 10 minute intro. Yeah, usually if you have five, 10 minutes. Five, 10 minutes. Yeah. But no, but you are a really special guest. You were one of the first guests. I think you came on a few months after the show launched. OK. And there has been a clamoring to get you back. And it's it took a it took a long time. It's so nice to hear. I mean, not genuinely, none of it makes sense to me. I think you were the first guest to to come in and sort of like break the rules a little bit.

I don't want to get. I don't know. It's just me being nervous. But here's the deal. I'm trying. I was thinking today that as much as I've enjoyed the the preamble, I've decided that that's what this is right now. We don't even have we have none of the actual hosts of the show. That's my point. I'm not really a part of the show either. If this makes it on on the what do we call this on the podcast? On the podcast. I was about to say it makes it on the air.

Yeah. Well, this whole air on the radio to an old person. Well, we'll see because Gourley's not here. You're going to get my own show. Gourley will receive this audio and he'll have to figure out what how to what to make of it. Oh, really? To do with it. Yeah. So that's who we're we're going to send this to Matt Gourley. This is like an audition. Yeah. I'm auditioning for something.

Yeah. So you can speak directly to Gourley. Oh, OK. Hey, bud. Hey, Tim. There you go. Good to see you. Thanks for being here. Oh, it's great to be here at a later date in a different place. I appreciate you being here for me. Bye. He is a super fan of yours, too. We he and I talk about that doesn't make up for the fact that he's not here.

No, no, it doesn't. No, it makes it even a little more. It's hurtful. A little more hurtful. Why isn't here is a budget thing? Is that what Conan's having a meeting? Conan had a meeting with Sirius. It wouldn't fly the other two out, huh? They're coming out, but they're coming out Wednesday.

We've got these shows at the end of the week. That's right. And then that's the other thing he mentioned. Something about what's he doing at the Beacon? Yeah, he's doing a live show, two live shows, Thursday and Friday night. Really? Live podcast. Who's it? Who's it?

Who's on the live podcast? We can say now, because it's a little air after they happen, but Stephen Colbert and Tracy Morgan. I bet that'll be good. I'm going to guess they went over really well. We'll see. But I'm confident. They're good guests. They're really their home run guests.

That's good. Live guests at the Beacon, and they're going to do the thing. Yeah. All right. I feel like this is not going to go over. Grrly might just cut it out completely. You might have to cut it out completely, because it feels like I should have to say something,

like an anecdote to O'Brien. Let me tell you about O'Brien. First of all, I'll tell you my history of Conan O'Brien. Way back when in the 90s, when he was doing a show here in New York, I went on his show as a guest. He doesn't remember that. I barely remember it.

It was the most nerve-wracking thing. I remember being going out there. I remember his lips moving, and then I was like, I just like, okay, I'm going to continue with my story. Was it one of your first late nights? It was my very first late night talk show appearance. And it was so nerve-wracking.

And I have to confess, I was such a fan and am a such a fan of a great talk show and a great talk show appearance. And I was just, the whole thing was, I think I was almost late. I was like breaking out. I was nervous as all get out. It was like late 90s, not even that young.

And I did not do another talk show for years after that because I was like, nope, nope, I'm not ready. And then anyway, so then I think maybe it might have been close to 10 years before I went on his show out in LA. I just had a ball. Crazy to hear because you seem like such a natural doing it. And so relaxed actually from a viewer's perspective,

you just, you seem so natural. I appreciate you saying so. I, everything about show business early on was just confusing and nerve-wracking and just like, just a nightmare. I remember the first time, the first and only time I went on Letterman. It was like just a year or so before he retired,

as I remember. And I remember being in my house and I was looking at great Letterman guests. Like I was looking at all these guests. Just that thing of trying to remind myself like what makes him laugh, you know, just trying to think about what makes a great appearance on Letterman.

So I'm watching all the usuals. And my wife comes in and says, what are you doing? And I say, I'm just watching clips from great Letterman guests. And she looks over my shoulder and she's like, that's like Martin Short. And I was like, yeah, he's a really, you know, and then it's like, that's like Bill Murray.

And I'm like, yeah, exactly. She goes, what are you doing? And I was like, what do you mean? She's like, when those people come on his show, he's super excited. He doesn't give a shit about you. Oh, man. Like he doesn't, this is true.

It's turning into a Letterman story. Conan can't get enough of Letterman stories. He'll appreciate that. I'm starting his podcast with a Letterman story. And I realized she's so right. I realized I'm preparing, like I'm looking at these guys and what they're doing and how he's reacting.

And then she's like, yeah, but she's totally right. So I think to myself, okay, she's got a point here. So I googled, I thought of an actor who was in a similar spot. This was, I think first or second season justified. We'd just come out. I think we'd done a season. And so I looked up actors that I thought were more or less

in my position, you know, at that time or looked up them when they were at that position. John Hamm, God bless him, like right when Mad Men came out. Like, okay, like that's a similar spot. I watched clips of those actors on Letterman and he did not give a shit. And I was like, oh my God, she's so right, right? That was probably a little bit of a relief though to see.

I don't know if it was a relief, but it was certainly of value. What you don't prepare for that first moment when he's just like, my next guest is so-and-so and he has no idea who that person is, you know? And I think maybe there was something similar like that when I, when, you know, going on the talk show the first time going on O'Brien, which was like, you know, you just, you imagine that you think of your anecdotes

and they're funny and whatever, whatever. And then you just don't realize that first moment when you just like walk out there and you, and there's, it's like every show business experience I ever had when you're like, you know, I remember going on my first set and just like, what's all this colored tape on the ground? What do you think made it easier? Is it just the reps?

Is it just doing it multiple times or getting more comfortable than your own skin as a actor? There's something to be said about not giving a shit, you know, if you can get to yourself to a place where it's all just a joke. And then there's the other thing, which is don't tell Conan, he's really good at what he does. He just makes it look easy. He makes you, he carries you at times.

He fills in areas and just makes it so smooth. I mean, so many times I realize, you know, he just, it's like a sleight of hand. He makes me come off really well. Yeah. So he's really good, you know, he may not have a lot of friends, but he's, you know, he's, he's gotten really good at what he does. And I think that's, if nothing else, that's, that's the takeaway here.

Should we go to the intro? Oh, now what I'd like to do is go from this intro to his intro. All right, sounds great. See you later, everybody. My guest today is starred in such shows and movies as Deadwood justified and once upon a time in Hollywood. I'm very excited. Chat with him today, Timothy Oliphant.

Let me tell you something. First of all. Oh yeah. And this is a compliment to you. When people say that, it never is. It is a word, right? What? Splendiferous.

Is it? I don't think so. Is it a word? I doubt it. Hold on, motherfuckers, because the only reason I know this word is because Elvis Costello said it about this. That was his answer. Yeah, but that's Elvis Costello. Which means you were listening.

No, I'm not going to correct. It's all, it's all a blur to you, isn't it? I'm not going to correct Elvis Costello. Oh, but me? Yes, you, because I've got, you and I have beef that goes back a long way. That's true. The last time you were on the podcast, you were disrespectful. You disrespected not just me, but the whole form.

I remember it differently. You know, memory is not a reliable narrator. You made, you did random ads yourself for, I believe, made up products just to try and get money. Keep it up. I'll break them out now. No, no, no, please. I forget, one of them was a tennis. Brush your teeth.

I do brush my teeth. How about those quips? They're just going to send you a free quip. You're not going to get any cash. I just, I realized this morning I could use one. Those are handy. Yeah, I don't remember what happened on the, the podcast. First of all, let me say thank you for having me back.

Of course. Thank you for having me on the first time. I'm sorry, it didn't go well. What are you talking about? I had people, I had, I think my own brother called me and said, I learned nothing and way too much. That was his. I will tell you, this is our first go around.

Okay, I'll tell you this and, and Adam Sacks, you can weigh in. I believe I'm quite certain that your podcast, one of the most beloved by fans. Universally, every so often online, every few months, there's a message board that's like, what are your, list your favorite KonaF episodes? Every single time there's a list made, yours is in the top five. Well, I thank you both for telling me that. And let me just special message to those people. Prepare to be disappointed.

No, no, no, no, no. All right, Conan, hit me with your first question. What do you want to know? I want to know. I texted you the other day and I really, I really want to, this is important and for the listeners. Yeah. I want this to be more about you and, and, and your performance.

This is not about me right now. Okay. So ask good questions. Okay. Because you know what I mean? You did, you did text me yesterday and said, please ask me good questions. You threw the first shot by saying we would meet up later for drinks or dinner and that it would be fresh, the podcast would be fresh in your mind and you would judge me.

Yeah. I'll judge you on your performance. How's it going so far? We're at a solid C minus. Anyway, what? Let me tell you something. We're, this thing is killing it already. I can just tell.

You feel it, right? There's an energy. No, that's an aneurysm. I don't know, I'm first of all, you, you're a delightful fellow and we are friends in real life so much so that I have this guy that works for me who's well known to my fans, Jordan Schlansky and I taped a segment with him recently and we put it out on the internet and he has this moment where he's just furious, furious with me that I didn't keep him employed after we fully employed. I pay him half salary because there was nothing to do

when the late night's hot show stopped until we start the next project and he's furious that he's only getting half the money to do nothing and I start to defend myself and he says, what are you doing anyway? And then he says to me with this contemptuous sneer, you have your dinners with Timothy Oliphant and I swear to God, I've been hearing from so many people who love that line that that's what's in, I mean, Jordan is jealous, deeply, deeply jealous of our friendship, you know that? Well, I know it now.

And I think a lot of people. I mean, I sat through patiently while you told that story and now I know. Did that go on a little while? We all said, I don't know, ask the listeners, is there a chat board somewhere? No, we can't afford that. How have you been? We're going to do this for real, okay. I haven't seen you in a while.

Well, we haven't talked in a while. You were busy, you were shooting projects, you were in Wales, I believe for a while. I was and I was. What? I was in Wales. I found myself in Wales. Were you not in Wales?

No, I was in Wales. Okay. You were in Wales shooting some project. You know, the kids have left that what they commonly refer to as empty nesters. That's what we are. And so now, you know, I just turn to my wife and say, you want to go to Wales? And then I say, all right, I'll take it. I'll take the job.

He'll take the job. Yeah, she's up for going. You know what? Wales is lovely. Your wife? Beautiful. Let me tell you about Wales. Oh, okay.

I was about to say something nice about your wife that you cut me off to talk about Wales. Well, you took so much time with that last story. I feel like people need a break. It was not a story. That wasn't a story. It was relating to you how you have impacted my life recently in a Jordan remote. So I didn't think that that was wasted time. When you're in Los Angeles, you feel like Los Angeles is the center of the world.

And when you're in New York, you feel like New York is the center of the world. And when you're in Wales, you're like London is the center of the world. Not a lot going on there. You know, no good people. Good people, fun to hang out and get drunk with. Yeah. And then getting fights. So I like my childhood.

Modesto and Wales, more in common than you think. Yeah, Modesto, pretty tough place to grow up. Yeah, the mean streets of Modesto. Yeah. I grew up on a mayonnaise farm. Good crop this year, huh? I love that mayonnaise bacon out there in the sun on the old mayonnaise farm. You betcha.

Tim, I'm going to tell you something. What do you got? I can't relate to you because Liza and I are not empty nesters yet. You are because you and Alexis had children when you were still in your 20s. You had your kids. That's kind of you to say, but I think we were 30. I think you were in your 20s. Okay.

And I'm going to tell you something else. I have a very different scenario. My children were born when I was in my 60s. Yeah. And as a result, now they're in their 40s. Do the math. I'm just saying you're such a young, free guy. And you've got these very cool kids who are adults now.

Yeah, that's what I'd call them. And I got to be honest with you because I thought throughout their childhood, I thought we had a good chance they'd grow up to be average. You told them that often, right? Yeah, you know. That's a good thing to tell a kid just before you turn out the light. I was like, honey, I think you got a good shot at just growing up to be average. Move to Canada and have a nice life.

You know what I mean? What's wrong with average? Exactly. That's what I told them. Yeah. But I got to say, I feel like they might be above average. I'm enjoying them. You know what I mean?

Now that they're a little older, I'm impressed. And I say to my wife, I said, you did a good job. Thanks for raising those kids. Yeah, where were you the whole time? Show business. You know what I mean? I had to go act and take naps in my trailer. Took a lot of jobs for the nap time, you know what I mean?

Did you bring your family to set much on, you know, I mean, first of all, you can't have kids around on the Deadwood set. Every other word is motherfucker and cocksucker. You can't have kids around. They came out once. I've told this story, but they came out once. They were quite young when we did that show. And then once I remember and ran around.

And one day I was about to head off to work. There was breakfast, you know, they were all sitting around. And I was like, God, I got to go fucking work, you know. And then I thought, oh, I don't want to place this burden on them, you know, that, you know, hate going to my job. So I stopped like it was a teachable moment and said, you know, actually guys, you know, I really do enjoy my job. You know, it's sometimes it's hard to leave, right?

But I, but I love my job. And I said, take a step further. I said, you know, you know what I love about my job? And my son goes, them bud. There's a lot of mud in Deadwood. That's what he said. Yeah. I said, yep.

I just tried to press forward, by the way. I thought, no, yes, but, but also, and my daughter says the horses. And I said, that's it. I'm leaving the mud and the horses. Pretty sweet gig though. They kind of get it. I guess that in a way they, they're right.

You know what I'm noticing about you? How are your kids doing? No, no, you don't listen. I had a whole thing in mind. Have all these questions. Oh, do you? And I haven't seen my kids in years. There's various reasons for that.

But you have your agent call once a week, tell them you love them. Well, actually, no, my manager calls. The manager calls. My manager then checks in with the kids, calls my agent who calls my business manager. There it is. Who then calls the, the accountant.

Yeah. And then I'm told that the children are well. They're, they're nourished and they think well of their father. That's nice. And so, and the lie gets relayed back to you by who? Well, naturally, that would be the agent and the manager. They're the ones that really lie.

I've noticed that you, when I talk to you, you either make no eye contact with me or too much. Damn it. You'll be talking to me, but looking straight across the room that way at the wall that says SiriusXM, or you'll be riveted to me and your eyes don't blink at all. Yeah. Like a reptile.

So what's the story with that? Do you have a, you have a... I love you looking away. That's really because... I'm not looking away for the rest of the interview. Get used to it, buddy. Here it comes. Seriously, you just, I've never seen that technique before.

Tim, I've been wanting to tell you something for quite a long time now and I'm looking completely at you. I was looking for the door. I could tell. You want it out. You want it out. Listen, just, you got questions?

Yeah, I do, but whenever I start, you cut me off. I don't think that's true. With, let's check the tape. So far, Adam, has there been some cutting off to be fair? A little cutting off. Okay, perfect. But you heard that one point where I was like, okay, I'm not going to cut them off and it went on forever.

You started shaving during one of my anecdotes, which I thought was incredibly rude. I didn't, and you brought all the props. It was very impressive. All right, let's switch the tone. Let's get to know. Let's get to know people. Okay.

Ready? I'm going to ask, I'm going to get to know you. Okay. And then you're free to... I got follow-up questions. Yeah, you can cut me off with your follow-up questions. I want to first say that I think you're a terrific actor. Now, I've talked to you before about acting

and sometimes I call you up with questions about acting. Yeah. Because I think you're very smart about acting and I like to ask you, in that movie, did you like them? What did you think about what that person was doing and you always break it down and you have a very good, smart, intuitive analysis of what that person's doing?

I don't know how to do any of that. This may shock you, but I am not an actor. I don't have an actor's soul. I don't even understand how it works. I'm not. I couldn't be in a scene with you. Could you imagine if you had to do a scene with me in a movie? You see what happens when I don't cut them off?

I actually wish you cut them off a little earlier. Jesus. Where is this going? Is this about you? I said you were a terrific actor. You did. You started with a compliment, but then you went on about your thing.

Yeah. What are you worried about? First of all, you're a comic genius. No, let's not get crazy. Listen, if you want to ask us, I'll ask us right back you're a comic genius. Sure. And you've been a comic genius for like 60 years now.

Okay, now it's getting crazy. Because I once, we went on a road trip together. We did. None of you called a road, but it was a pretty lengthy drive. And I heard all about your beginnings. And it's really quite phenomenal. Are you writing a book?

Are you going to? Oh, you listen to, I thought you and I went on a road trip and you heard about my beginnings. So I'm thinking. We did. That's what I just said. What are you talking about? Well, I mean, it was just up the coast.

It was just a- Yeah, we drove up the coast. Yeah, we drove up the coast. You and I had a romantic getaway. Let's just call it what it was. I know. I thought it was the first of, it was going to be the first of many, by the way. I thought we were going to be the male Thelma and Louise,

which when you think about it is a stupid idea. Well, you got the red hair. That's true. I'm, wait, I'm Gina Davis. Wouldn't you be Susan Sarandon with the hair? That was kind of reddish? Yeah, but Gina Davis is taller. I think I would be Gina Davis.

I mean, listen again, the listeners are going to decide, but I think it's Gina Davis. All right. Yeah, you'd be Gina Davis. Yeah. I agree with you. Yeah. Nice scene with Brad Pitt.

Yeah. I gave him his start. You and him with the hairdryer? Okay. You remember that? I do. It's a good scene. Again, there you are with your good acting mind breaking down a scene.

I don't know how you do it. And I'm sorry, I cut you off, but is there a question? I haven't been serious. Why does this have to be a question? I don't know what these things are. When it's you and me, it's not like any other podcast. Yes. Usually I have questions.

There's kind of a flow to it. But what you and I have, and what the fans expect, is something frustrating that starts and stops, that takes wild turns, that maybe ends up being less than some of its parts. That's what they want from us. Okay. I'm just worried about the ones that, like, if my wife were listening right now,

she would have turned it off by now. Well, first of all, she does that when we go to dinner. She's like, I don't know. She often reaches over and tries to turn a volume button on my head that isn't there. She's seen her try to change the channel on me when the four of us are out to dinner. And my wife is right along with her on that one. It's true, isn't it?

They're like you guys ago. Okay. I'm going to ask you a question. Our lives are very different. My work has always been, you stay in this one place, and you do this, and you don't move. Here's your talk show desk. Don't you fucking move.

Your life, which I've always kind of envied, is, like you said, there's this gig in Wales, and suddenly you're living in Wales for a couple of months. I've always been fascinated by that. Does that get old, or do you still love it? Okay. So here's something. I always wanted to have a talk show.

I just wanted, and I still to this day. It's like one of those body switch movies. I have a whole fantasy about just like having a talk show. I read about someone's giving up their talk show, and I think to myself, should I raise my hand? What's the deal? I feel like I could, I'd love that regular gig. Would you like that?

Well, I think the answer is yes. Yeah, I love routine. I do love routine. I'm being serious. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I like the routine of it. I like, what is it that I like about it?

I don't know, but I always thought it'd be really cool. To have a talk show. To have a talk show, yeah. Yeah. What about the day in and day out over and over again? Could you do that? Wouldn't you miss? I'm going to Japan now, you know, in it to be in a robot movie. No, I mean, for years, I, no, I don't think I would.

I think I'd enjoy it. I enjoy talking to people. You know what I mean? Even though that we're not, well, we're starting to have an actual conversation here, but I do. I tricked you into it. You see what I did? I did. You lulled me. Yeah.

There was some stuff at the beginning, but that's our process. And then we get to this. But you know what you are? You're always been a hilarious talk show guest. Thank you. Again, people, when they talk to me about appearances that people have made, Kevin Newen's name comes up.

Obviously, Norm McDonald's name comes up and his name comes up. And your name pops up a lot. People liked doing panel. They liked you because you come at things from a very different angle. You know, you've got a very quirky, dry sense of humor. Very funny. People enjoy it. I appreciate it.

I never don't... Do I have a dry sense of humor? I think you do. Well, you have a dry delivery. You have a dry delivery. Oh. You have a very dry delivery. Because I feel like I'm just like a puppy dog.

You know, like I'm like one of those loud... Do you think of that? No. Who thinks of you as a loud... You're not a loud guy. Like kids. You know what? Well, you're always angry around your kids.

I've noticed that. Yeah. There's a lot of... God damn it! God damn it! And then, you know, Alex is like, Tim, Tim, take it easy. You say, you quiet woman!

You do a lot of that. Right. And there's a lot of, who touched my drink? And I need more to drink. So there's that. And when the one food is touching the other food. Oh. These foods can't touch.

Right. When the eggs are touching the toast. And I just lose it. You know what's crazy? Do you remember the movie Sleeping with the Enemy, Julie Roberts, where she's with the crazy type A husband and he needs everything to be just perfect or he flies into a rage?

Sadly, I missed it. Okay. It's many, many years ago. Well, I'm a fan of just the other day, watched Aaron Brockovich, which is a much better movie, I'm guessing, than the one you're talking about. Yeah, the one I'm talking about is the one that everyone came to see

because it was, oh God, again, I'm shamed every time I speak on Conan O'Brien's podcast by Tim Hall offense, ridiculous. It's called Conan Needs a Friend. Needs is the operative word. Exactly. Yeah. I need help here. That's where I'm going now.

I've never needed you more. That's why I'm trying to... And I've been trying to actually talk to you. I've been trying to talk to you and hang out for like six months and the only way to do it was to book you on the podcast. Wow. What kind of friendship is that?

Suddenly we're together because I booked you on the podcast. First of all, a true buddy would have been like, where are you? You know, you have... You're like, oh, I'm coming. I was in New Orleans for two months. You could have said, oh my God, let's go visit Oliphant in New Orleans.

We'll go hit Jazz Fest. We'll cruise around. Oh, I can't take Jazz Fest. You know what we've been amazing about Jazz Fest? All that noodling scale noodling. First of all, here's the thing at Jazz Fest. Everybody, people go and there's large groups and in order to find people in the crowd,

people have flags and stuff. So they're like, that's our group. But with you, we could have just been like, where's Conan? We could just see you. Right. We're like, there's that red... Inflatable thing outside of a car lot. Right, we're just looking...

Flapping around. We're just looking for, yeah, like a really unattractive Gina Davis. Okay, you know what? Where is she? I didn't come here... Where is she? To be called an unattractive Gina Davis.

You could have flown out. Here's the main point. I'm not that kind of guy. I'm not that kind of guy. I'm not that kind of guy. I'm not a kind of guy who says, it's time for me to hit the big easy and hang with Ole Fent at the Jazz Fest.

Yeah. That's the opposite of who I am. What do you mean, great? No, I can't do that. I was working. What kind of jazz are they playing? Is that like... Is it that kind of thing?

I think there is a tent for that. How about... Is that happening? Because I can't do that. And then someone's... Just give a third example, because I think people want it. It's amazing.

You don't know how much I could just see you in Star Wars on that last one. I could have seen you. You could have been in the bar. Right. And there could have been little, yeah, subtitles underneath me saying, I'll give you 40 Gribgars for the Glub Glub.

Right. Damn. Blu it. So, yeah, we were... We've been traveling. If it's my fault, we were in New Orleans. We just had one of those things where, unusually, one job and we drove.

We drove here, by the way, in New York. I live in LA. I drove to New Orleans. I worked there and then I drove up to Chicago and I worked there for a while. It was a cool town. We got shot at. That was a bit of a bummer,

but then otherwise it was a great place. Who shot at you? What are you talking about? Oh, my God. I tell you about that whole thing and we were on the shooting them. We were there doing the justified thing and we had this crazy shootout.

Did we not talk about that? No. We have not talked at all. We have not talked... Tell me what happened. It's a dramatic story. I don't know if you want to hear it. It's a long-winded dramatic story.

I could tell it and then you can cut it out of the podcast later. Okay. We won't, but go ahead. You want to try? Okay, so here we... Forgive me, I feel like... This is the...

Because Justified's coming back, which I'm very excited about. Yep. Justified. And you were... City Prime Evil. And where were you shooting it? We shot in Chicago,

mostly Chicago for Detroit. It takes place in Detroit. Raelyn goes to Detroit. I play Raelyn Givens and then I'm also going to play his brother Dave Givens and then his other brother Jim Givens. They're triplets.

I really wanted to mix it up this time. I was like, let's do... I can't do... Why do you ruin everything? We're going to bring it back. I was like... I was like, they said... I said, why do I want to bring back this character?

I've already played this character for six years. And then it hit me. I was like, what if he had a brother? And then I was like, they're twins. And then I'm like, wait a minute. Everyone's done it. Jeremy Irons has done it.

Nick Cage has done it, Lindsay Lohan, Van Damme. They've all done twins. All the greats have done it. All the greats have done it. And that's when it hit me. It was like the clouds parted. I said, Raelyn's a triplet. And this has never been revealed

in all the years you did Justified. And I've watched them all. You never revealed. We should just start the podcast here. Okay. Because now people are in. Now they're in. So this is great.

Raelyn is triplets. One is Dave. One is Raelyn. And then the other one... Jim Givens. Jim Givens. Wow, the writers, their parents were like, we'll call you Raelyn, you Dave, and you Jim.

The great thing about my position with the Justified thing is I can get in the writer's room and really take it up a level. They love me in there. So we're shooting at night in Chicago in, at this park, very, very bad neighborhood. It was like one, two in the morning or something. And we're about to do a scene

where I'm going to get in this car. We've got the road closed. We're about to get in this car. And we hear gunshots. And we'd heard, we'd shot in some pretty tough neighborhoods so we'd heard gunshots prior to this. But this was a, I don't know, I felt like eight or nine shots went off.

Right, right, right, right. You know? And we're like, that's across from across the park. And then I was standing next to the director and he's like, that's gunshots, you know? And then we hear again. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. And, you know, the first AD's walking over

and he's like, everybody, those are gunshots on the other side of the park, but everybody needs to get down. And then the, that's fucking, it was the scariest goddamn thing. It went on forever. So then we started hearing cars. There was just a car like that.

Rrr, rrr, rrr. And they're driving. You can hear them driving. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. And you realize they're coming around the park. Heading towards, yeah. Heading right towards us. And if the gunshots and stuff

didn't already kind of give you a tip on what kind of people we're dealing with, they completely ignored the road closed sign, you know, where it says filming, don't come this way. And so they're coming straight down the street that we're on. And they're just, you know, this machine gun fire. It was just insane. And did you guys all, you see, you're all lying down like face down, getting as low as you can. It was a little, it's a weird thing because everybody reacts so differently. So there's everything from people running and diving under cars, the crews in those safety vests,

and they were all throwing them off and people are yelling, get your safety vest off. Because I think at this point, we don't really know who's shooting and why they're shooting or what they're shooting at. Right. So it just feels like gunfire in cars. And there's things that I've been told happened and things that you remember happened. It was really quite, you know, and then there's other people that just froze, you know, that you just kind of need to grab. And the universal thing I've always heard about anyone from anyone who has been around gunfire is that you know it's gunfire immediately. Even if you haven't served in the army or have had no experience with guns, that when you hear gunfire, you know, there's no mistaking it for anything else.

That's, that was my experience. Yeah, you, you kind of knew right away that there was, you just know that's not fireworks as much as you want to know. Hope that's fireworks. And then the sound of the engine and it just kept coming. And then next thing I know, I was with a couple others, you know, just behind this car, the weirdest thing to be in your railing wardrobe. I know. Standing behind this car. Were you wearing a, were you wearing a gun, a fake gun? Yeah, yeah. See, that's the part of this that's crazy is you're, you're playing Rayland Givens and you're wearing a gun, but it's all for, for play acting and then a real gunfight breaks out. Yeah. And there's these moments because like when these things happen,

everything, you know, it's that cliche, everything feels like slow, you know, all the beats are very distinct. And I do remember, I don't remember, I was told I grabbed a PA and, and threw her out of the way. Or used her as a shield, which one? Well, I, my gut... I've heard it both ways. Wonderful PA, Ashley. And the reason I know her name now is because I was like, well, I apparently saved her life, so I should learn her name. I don't usually know the PA's names. I think what happened is I was, I grabbed her by the arm and I said, uh, babe, I ordered a protein shake like a half hour ago. And then, and then I was like, oh, shit, someone's shooting at us. And then I threw her down, you know what I mean?

That's right. Like a shield. But I remember crouching down behind the car and I, you can't help it. I'm looking because I want to see, you know, so I'm doing that thing where I'm looking around the corner. I'm like, this is just like the show. This is so weird. I'm like, what are you doing? But I'm like, I think it's okay. Anyway, and I saw the first cargo goes right by us. I can hear the bullets hitting the thing off the back of the car. Because the car behind it is shooting at the car on the front. This is when things started to become clearer. Yeah. You know, and then the second car goes by this muscle car, those Dodge Chargers, I'll turn it out. And there's a guy shooting a pistol out the window that's clearly been modified because it's like,

right? Right. And the other guys out the sunroof with a little machine gun, and he's shooting a machine gun. And those guys go by it like a hundred miles an hour. And then, and I guess at some point, I can't remember had this moment like, okay, they're shooting at that guy. So that's all right. You know, they're not shooting at us. And then a third car went by. And the crazy thing is then they kind of continued around the neighborhood. And you know, you felt like they were coming back and people were running into, it was just... There's no law enforcement coming in at any point. I feel we were a little understaffed. Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

We had, you know, what's crazy about that situation... You sent three interns over to arrest them. I'm telling you, we had one kid. Listen, I'm telling you... Steve, Ashley, get over there. I know, right? These moments. We had one kid, Ben, God bless him, another PA, who was a friend of my wife's family who was like looking for a, you know, summer job. He was a film student. He was at the first corner, you know, like one of those... Yeah, you put PAs down there and said, oh, if anybody walks down here, tell them not to walk down here because you're shooting. Right.

And turns out he, God bless him, when the cars came around, he dove behind a car. His bus stop that he was sitting in just completely shattered. Like that kid would have been dead if he hadn't dove. And then a cop, we had a cop at one side, we had a cop at the other side, you know, and that guy, I ran into like a week later, you know, and I remember talking to him, like, because it went on for a while longer. People, the cars would drove for a little longer and you just kept hearing gunfire because people started moving into the park and stuff. It was just frightening, you know, and it's such a weird thing because you're just sitting there and there's so much gunfire. It was like a hundred rounds. You think, I mean, I assume one's going

to hit me eventually, you know, you're just kind of waiting for that moment. It was just so bizarre. And that's when I thought I should call my agent and tell him to call my kids and tell them I love them. Did you, did you, you know, you go through an experience like that. Did you learn anything from that other than... Yeah, no, it was really, I'll tell you a couple of things. One, I remember talking to that. I ran in, I was walking down streets of Chicago and this guy came out and said, hey, he goes, Tim, he goes, I'm, he goes, I was the cop that was there that night on the corner. You invariably with everything, whether it was him or whether it was the crew, there's this thing where the next couple of days, next week or so, you're just, did you experience what I experienced?

There's a lot of that. Right. What was, what, you know, tell me and it's... Tell me what you felt like when that happened and how did you experience it. Talking to law enforcement was really helpful because I was like, okay, I thought it was crazy. Did you think it was, he goes, that was a war zone. That was crazy. Right. And he's like, yeah, I got home that night and I realized I had a bullet hole in my shirt and I was like, what are you talking about? And he's like, yeah, my shirt, I realized later a bullet went through right by his bicep. But missed him completely, just went through the shirt. Yeah. I mean, he had a vest on, bullet proof vest on, but yeah, he said, he said, no, that's one of the closer calls I've ever had. Yeah. He said in those situations,

he's like, you know, they're like us. They're just going to take cover. You're not going to return fire. These guys are shooting at each other. They got machine guns. He's like, if I, if I engage in any way, it's just a mess. It just becomes a bigger mess. No, you're... It was fucked up. It was definitely crazy. And then there was the, you know, like that thing where you're like, you know, people will say, oh, you seemed real chill. You seemed really cool. You kept it all together. And I was like, that's funny because that's not the way I remembered it, you know? Yeah. Yeah. The next day, the next day was more emotional. It was like 24 hours later when you, when we were like saying, okay, we're not going to, we were supposed to, I was supposed to shoot the next night and not,

again, in another bad part of town. And I remember thinking, I don't want to go to work. I was like, I remember thinking, I was like, I'm not sure I want to drive down to, you know, to the 90s and shoot again. And I called the producers and I said, you know, I feel like I should speak up, you know, because I don't want to shoot. And I'm assuming the crew doesn't want to shoot. Should we be everybody taking a beat? And that was the more emotional day when you realized when everyone, when they came back and said, yeah, I think you're right. I think we need to shut down. That's when all of a sudden you're like, okay, now there's like tears coming down my feet, because you realize, oh no. So it really was, but you know what I mean? Like if we all went back

to work, maybe we could have in a very unhealthy way suppressed how crazy that evening was. Yeah, you all had PTSD and needed to process. Oh my God. And every time you'd hear, I really don't like those cars. But boy, they just really ruined it for me. You don't like the Dodge Charger? That's a fantastic car. Wait a minute. Are we cutting to a Dodge Charger commercial? No, not at all. We're not getting paid by them. But I think the Dodge Charger, or for my money, the Challenger, are classic muscle cars. I'll take a late 60s version, but I think the new models are incredible. So look at your comedy mind.

What are you talking about? Just going into a bit. I didn't mean to. I was trying to be emotionally available. And then I remembered who I was. It just fell apart. When you keep looking over your shoulder, they're not going to help you. I'm right here, buddy boy. If you're looking at me, you're dealing with me. Go ahead. I'm looking right at you. I know. I find it unnerving. How do you feel? What do you think? Now, see, now you feel bad, right? I hope you feel bad. You should have come to visit me.

I didn't know about any of this. Yeah. But even then, New Orleans was before then, and I was already saying, you should have come out for that. I'm not going to go to New Orleans to a jazz fest. I just can't do it. What's wrong with jazz fest? Well, first of all, I know at some point you're going to refer to New Orleans as no-low. And I can't have that. I can't be around that. I think there's an uh at the end of that.

I just know you're going to say no-low. Wow. Wow. I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm a little jet lagged. Is that what it is? You know what it is? Let's go down to Soha tonight. Okay. I'll go to Soha and we can talk about no-low.

No-low. Listen to me. I can't have it. And I know that you're going to have some cool t-shirt that's kind of just worn away, just special and- Says team Coco. That'd be nice if you get the word out on us. Right. Do you ever wear Conan merchandise around?

Wouldn't hurt to help out a friend, would it? I have the mug. I just don't carry it around enough. You're supposed to carry it. I told you to carry it. Yeah. Did you guys give out t-shirts? I just know I got the popcorn.

Were there t-shirts? I don't know that we ever gave out t-shirts. I don't know why we gave out popcorn. At the talk show, we gave out popcorn for years. I don't know why. Yeah. I don't know why. By the way, that's a Chicago thing.

I called you from, I sent. Yeah. Because I got that, that's a Chicago. Why did you do that popcorn? I was at the very top of the power structure. I wasn't aware of all the decisions that were being made. So I was not, I never signed off on giving away Chicago cheese popcorn.

That was not a decision I made. I was, again, I'm not. Did you not get into the swag of, did you not get into the hats and the t-shirt and all that, Jess? I think, because I was just thinking today. No, I didn't. Literally today, because I did a talk show the other day. And the hats is like, I'm never going to wear this hat.

Like, why don't, does nobody have a cool hat? I know. It's a problem. What is with that? That's a problem. All the hats look like you're going to spend, like you're getting ready to go to Martha's Vineyard. Right.

But why doesn't anyone have hats that look like, oh, that's like a cool hat? It's very hard to do. It's very hard to crack. What do you mean it's really hard to do? I don't want to get into all the specifics. Right. But let's just say that it's very difficult for late night shows to get good merchandising.

It just is. Well, when I do my... And I think it's a terrible problem that this country needs to address. Well, I'm here to change it because I'm going to do a talk show. I've been wanting to do a talk show since I was in my 20s. But now it's not about me. It's about the hats. You would have a great hat.

I would have a great hat. You know, you'd have. You'd have a justified hat. You'd have a real and givens hat that said the name of your talk show on it. Because you look killer in that hat. That's part of the character. I'm giving the guest cowboy hats? Yes.

Very expensive cowboy hats. And within weeks, your show will be in the red. You'll be hemorrhaging money because... So the guests come on. Let me just... It's a whole fantasy here. We booked it on the show. We just need to take your head measurement to prepare you.

Or do it two ways. You either get the head measurements or you buy the hats and then book for the hat sizes that you can get. So, oh, we've got a seven and a quarter. Let's look up who's a seven and a quarter. John C. Riley. John C. Riley, what's booked him on the show? Is he plugging anything? No, he's not.

We'll get him in here because his head is going to fit the hat we have. Smart. I've thought about all this stuff most of my life. And yet you didn't have good swag on your show. We've already established that. I thought about it. You've done nothing about it. I'm staring at a mug right now.

It just occurs to me. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. By the way, it's kind of a funny t-shirt. Yeah. You know what I mean? It is a funny t-shirt. Listen, I don't recommend you drinking out of that mug. I'll just tell you that much.

What if it said, I like Conan O'Brien needs a friend? That's a funny, that's a, yeah, that should be a better t-shirt. And on the back, it says no seriously. You keep looking over your shoulder. Just want to see if it went over. At the peanut gallery. I don't trust your laugh. You're just a, you know, you're a very generous laugher.

I don't think I am. So I just had to turn around to say, did that, was that actually, you know what I mean? I think your insecurities either way at you, might make you a better actor. But you have deep insecurities. And like a knife whittles a piece of wood, your insecurities pair away at your soul, sharpening it.

And I think anything I can do to trigger those insecurities makes you a better artist. That's my theory. Okay. And I'm going to stick with it. All right. Remember that time you and I were swimming in the ocean? By the way, we've talked about this.

We're like, there's shark fins out there. And the two of us are saying, or I remember saying, it's not, it's not a big deal. Those are shark, those are, those are whatever sharks. They're like nothing. Sand sharks, yeah, yeah. They're harmless. Yeah, they were not.

They were great white sharks. And then the next summer I come out and I'm like, oh, they saw these great whites. Yeah, they were great whites. And you and I are just two heads bobbing. We're bobbing in the ocean, two heads. And a giant shark fin goes by. It was big.

And it was maybe eight feet from both of us. And I don't know why. And you know, and both of us, I don't know why. Both of us, both of us, we weren't high or anything. Both of us were looking at it saying, that's a shark. Yeah. That's what that is. It's a shark.

Yeah. And I was like, yeah, don't worry about it. It's easy. Piece of cake. He's not interested in us. And then some woman got bit right off the right there the next summer or something like that. Yeah, she got bit in the foot, I think.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well, it happens. I don't fear a wild animal. I just don't. I don't have that in me. I would like to, I just don't.

First of all. I don't. First of all. I don't. I throw a wild animal at me and I'll fight it. I don't care. Let me just point out what I think everybody already knows. What?

How often are you coming to contact with a wild animal? Well, give me your, go ahead. When's the last time? Just looking them up online counts. When is the last time? Just looking them up online count. How about looking at footage of a zoo? I look at footage of the San Diego Zoo all the time.

Yeah, yeah. I have been out of my mountain bike and I've seen some critters. You know, nothing that big. Keep going. But I'll give you some room. I'm not going to cut you off on this one. Okay, I've been, I've been in the area of a bear.

Meaning I think I've been in the same state as a bear. Oh, really? Yeah. I like the dump. You want to drop in some stuff off? I was throwing away an RCA television from the 70s at a dump. And there was a seven, eight bears. There was very small black bears.

Right. Over there at the dump. They actually look like cats. Now that I think of it. Right. And everybody working there is like, check out O'Brien. No worried at all.

You know, all kidding aside that if shit got real, you know that I would be a physically brave person. The hand gesture. You know that. You know that. You know that if the shit went down, you know that, okay, Conan plays the fool. Oh, Conan, he acts scared.

But when it really goes down. Here's what, here's what I think. You know that I would be. When the shit really goes down. I feel like I could depend on you to tell me what Lincoln did in a certain way. In a certain way. This is fascinating in 1858.

Yeah. This reminds me. During the great skedaddle. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That's fair enough. You'd be like, hold on, Tim.

I got this. When Roosevelt was in a similar situation. Right. Which Roosevelt? It's important you got to nail that. Yeah. See, this is your department. I don't know.

I guess I got over my skis there a little bit. I don't know. Over the skis. I don't know what I would do if I encountered a real live animal. But I like to think that I'd be physically very brave and that I'd go down fighting. I'm just still thinking the visual of you over your skis a little bit.

I don't know how that goes down. Thank you and I are. What's your ski? We've never gone skiing. We've never hit the slopes. We've done. We haven't done most of anything. That's true.

Yeah. I mean, first of all. That's true. I'd go skiing with you anytime. I love skiing. I don't want to go to Nola to some jazz fest. Okay. Let's go.

What about snowboarding? You got a snowboard? I can't do that. My center of gravity is up near my ears. It's ridiculous. I figured it'd be easier. No, it's worse. Snowboarding's harder for you than skiing.

Yes. Have you done it? Yeah, I tried. I tried snowboarding once and we actually shot a remote and I ate mountain the whole time. And what happens when you snowboard, it's the physics of it is you go down like three times harder than you would on skis.

And yeah, that's yeah. Yeah, I lost like 70% of my brain capacity that day. Sorry. Yeah. So I can't wait. You shot the remote for the old show. It was for the 2002 Olympics, I think. Sorry, I missed it.

Was it really for the Olympics? You could see it on YouTube. All my work is available. That's why I got the pen so I could write this shit down. Watch Conan on YouTube. Just kidding. You shouldn't say just kidding out loud. I just wrote JK.

I think you and I need to have a project together because we have a good chemistry. Yep. And we have it. Listen. You want to be my sidekick for the show? On your talk show? Yeah, this show could be called My Sidekick is Conan O'Brien.

And then on the T-shirts, on the front, it'll say My Sidekick is Conan O'Brien starring Timothy Oliver, right? And on the back, it'll be like it'll say he needs a friend. Yes. So you incorporate, this is good. We're getting the word out on all the brands. I see what we're doing.

See what we're doing. And then your whole thing will be, I would love that. Are you in? Yeah. Because you brought it up, right? You said we should do something. And I came back to you. I'll be honest with you.

I thought it was going to be something maybe more in the acting realm. But if this is where it is. Oh, you want to actually, this is the problem. We've already established this. You want this life over here, but I want over there. OK. So you want to act together?

Yeah, if you see a chance for us to be in a project together. If you see a chance. Well, yeah. Well, you're a writer. Let's pitch something. All right. What's going on with writing, by the way? I was thinking about this the other day.

Now that you've been free. Yeah, what is going on with writing? No, but you are a true blue genius writer. I'm saying that for the people who may not be aware of it. He's really good, talented. That's sweet. You write. Do you write, write?

I write. Do you ever sit down and just keep regular writing hours? I don't. No. I don't. I let that go. Why not? That's a bit of a, it's a bit of a.

I do write letters. I write letters to people. By the way, I've heard you say this. And if you gave me your home address. I fucking meant to. I shit. I have a to-do list. I'm writing this down now.

I write letters to people and I type them out. Hold on. And when people get one of my letters. Let me just tell you this note to self. OK. I want you to hear it. I want, I want there to be witnesses. Note to self.

Write Conan a handwritten letter saying you've heard. He likes to write people handwritten letters. Typed. Funny because you've never received one. OK. OK. I heard you say this. Talking to Sideris.

By the way, you and Sideris. People do yourself a favor. If they're still listening to this interview. Those interviews, I just love them. Yeah. I think I may, I don't know if I've told you that. But I just loved you guys talking to each other. And I heard you talking about how much you like to type letters to people.

Yeah. And I remember thinking I should write Conan a letter and tell him that I heard that. And yet I wondered why I'd never gotten one. Well, maybe yours is coming. And maybe it's going to be really special. I realize there's a lot of grievances here in the friendship today. I realize I've, you and I have not connected for a long time.

It's been a while. You've been busy. A little bit. And I think, I think maybe I came into this with a chip on my shoulder. A little bit. Well, but I probably did. A little bit. And it's good that you admit it.

You know, it felt like I had to use the podcast to get you back into my life. And then it felt like you played me like a chump, a chimp, you know. And you taught your big, big talker about no low or no law, but we all know it wouldn't happen. And if I called you up and said, hey, I'm coming, suddenly there'd be an issue. You know, oh, they just canceled Jazz Fest Conan. This is, this is no one's buying this.

I'm not buying it. No one listened. No one's listening. Oh, you'd be excited if I was coming down. Yeah. I'm going to come see you. And I'm going to get up on stage and scat with the band. A Scoot Got Scoot, Doodly-a-Doo.

Yeah, yeah. I do de-de-de-de-de-de-de. By the way, for those who haven't been to Jazz Fest, I highly recommend it. It's my favorite music festival. And it's not all jazz, but it's the best thing. You also go in the gospel tent and just listen to gospel. That's nice. That sounds good.

One of my favorite things in the world. I still feel like the best way for us to do something acting wise is if we write something. Okay. But you've given up writing. I didn't say I gave up on it. Didn't he use those words? No.

You said, don't you do regular writing every day? And I said I write letters. But no, I'm not sitting down every day and going, the sun broke lazily over the horizon in a crepuscular burst of auburn light. You know, I didn't do that. She says, that was fucking crazy. I was going to say, that's amazing.

Just write that down and we have it recorded. That's an amazing beginning to an awful book, but it's a great beginning. Yeah, but awful book, but not an awful, what do we want to do? We're going to do something together. Right. Is it going to be like a half hour kind of deal? The thing that they're going to want us to do is...

They're going to want us. They're going to want us to do the buddy cop thing. You and me buddy cops. They're going to want us to do buddy cops. They're going to want us to do it. And they're going to want you to be the one that knows what he's doing and me to be like, Let's flip it.

Yes. I'm hyper competent. Super good. Killer with the ladies. Wasn't there like a... Didn't Jeff Goldblum have a cop show for a while where he was a cop? Ten speed and brown shoe.

Oh my God. That's it. With Ben Vereen. That's it. Let's just remake that. Let's bring that back. People love whatever there are. Reboots.

Yeah. Let's bring back Ten Street and what did you call it? Ten speed and brown shoe. That's awesome. You're not going to be at this pitch meeting. You can't say a whole sentence correctly involving this pitch. So I'm going to go in and pitch it.

I love the pitch. And I'm going to say Tim Olyphant is attached. I'm aging quickly and badly. I could see it in your face when you saw me. So I need to get this done now. Do you know what I mean? This can't wait two years, three years. Well, use it now.

Use that in your performance. What? That I'm falling apart and all? That you're aging badly and you don't have a lot of time. Like you're the cop who needs to solve this thing. Because they like... But not because he has a terminal disease or he's about to retire. Just because he doesn't like the way he's aging.

And he's vain. I like that idea. It's really smart. Yeah. It's really smart. Let her wrap this up. If your brother listened to the first one and thought, what did he say he learned?

Nothing. Nothing and too much. Too much. How'd we do? I think we hit it again. I don't know. It just feels... I'm not sure.

Okay. You guys are the best and they're encouraging us. I don't know if that's true, but how long have we been talking? Just under now. Just under an hour. Yeah. And there's three... You are...

Three full... I like... What's that? 35 minutes worth of ads. Are you doing the 10 minute preamble thing? Is that what you call it? Yeah. We don't call it the preamble.

What do you call it? The open of the show. What do we call it, Adam? The intro. The intro. It's a 10 minute intro. I think so, yeah. I really don't know much about the podcast.

I've listened to the podcast and I just know that at least once, you just did away with the intro. Yeah, occasionally. Because it was such a special occasion. Yeah. This isn't going to be one of those, is it? We'll have three intros in this one. Three intros?

And then we'll end with... Intermission? Then six outros. Exactly. Let's take a little break. You know what? When we're done, I'd like to record a 10 minute intro as well. I'd like to do an intro before your intro.

I think that's fair. Yeah, sure. That's a great idea. I love that. Yeah, sure. Let's do that. Yeah. Are you serious?

Let's do it. If you're up for it. Yeah, let's do it. All right, well, let's end this one. Yeah, let's end this. That's a good idea. Tim, are we going out to dinner tonight? I'm up.

I'm available. I'm around. Are you backing out? No, I'm not backing out. Tomorrow's also good if that's better for you because you might be jet-legged. No, I'm not jet-legged. Are you coming downtown?

Because I was told. Because I came up... This is your city now. I came uptown for this, so I assume you kind of... I've heard the Hard Rock Cafe is a cool spot. The one downtown, very cool. OK. As long as I get to eat an OK hamburger near a guitar.

You know what's... I'm happy. Sad is now that I've agreed to do an intro. I realize how difficult your job is. No, you're going to kill it. Oh, really? Yeah. So it's just Adam and I just shooting the shit?

What is it? I don't know. You've had this idea and now you have to do it. Yeah, but you have like... It doesn't have to be 10 minutes. It could be a quick intro. I'm not even usually a part of it. That's really a plus to me.

That's my point. But you're talking to your... Where are they? I'm going to leave the room right now. No, where are they? There's usually someone you're talking to. Yeah, Sonia and Gourley. Sonia and Gourley. Yeah, they're not here yet.

They're not in town yet. What do you mean they're not in town yet? They're not here yet. But they're coming? Yeah. I got to come back to do the intro. I don't think... I think you can just do it solo.

Yeah, you can do it solo. I'm going to do an intro solo. Do it with Adam. Yeah, OK. You could just say... I mean, the premise is really funny. I like the whole premise is... I know I listened to the podcast.

I love it. It's always an intro. Yeah. And I just wanted to have an intro before Conan's intro. Yeah. Because I feel like I've earned that. Whatever, you'll kill it that. Yeah, OK. All right, I'm going to get out.

OK, cool. You are my friend for real. You know that, right? I do know that. There's no backing out now. I know that's true. We're going out... You're hanging out.

You got another interview after this? I have a meeting after this. And then this is all fun stuff for the listener. Oh, I know. And then... This actually probably is... This might be better than just... I'm going...

So what do you got after this? I've got a meeting with the guy that runs Sirius. What does that mean exactly? I don't know. Keep this rolling. This is good. Where actually happens? I think they're letting me go.

They're going to just say, hey, numbers are great. Things are going well. No, no. We haven't even launched yet. So there's nothing... Our Sirius channel hasn't launched. I think it's just going to be a,

hey man, good to see you meeting. I hope. Oh, really? Unless... Thanks for doing this. Appreciate you being a part of it. Yeah. This is...

So that's cool. So you got that going for you. How long is that? How long did you schedule that meeting? Yeah, I have that meeting going for me. Yeah. It's a big deal. I love that you still have to do meetings.

I'm going to a meeting right after this. Scott Greenstein. He's the big deal here at Sirius. Oh, I know that dude. That dude owes me money. No. Okay. Is this one of those things?

This is me and you talking. This is pretty much... By the way, guys, this is dinner. Listen, do you do that because you're a good dude or you do it because what's in it for you? Why are you meeting with this knucklehead? Well, first of all, he runs all of Sirius. So what?

And he said, hey, can Conan stop by and say hi before he leaves for the day? Okay. And I hear that and being a nice human being. That's what it is. It's a guilt thing. I'd like to see him. It's a guilt thing. No, but also what if he tells me something?

What if he says, hey, Conan, you know... Oh, Brian. You've done so much for Sirius. We're all so excited to have you. Here's a gold bar that I want you to have. Maybe that happens in the meeting and he gives me a solid gold bar. Okay.

I'll meet you. I'll see you at dinner and you show it to me because I want to see it. I'll show it to you at dinner. I can't wait to hear the follow-up of this meeting because I'm guaranteeing it's like, there's five minutes I cannot get back. Okay.

So you have a meeting that's not a meeting. You just kind of made it sound more important than needed to be. Then what's after that? It's when you and I go to dinner. We can do it early. How are you getting down? I'm downtown. You're going to come downtown?

Sure. Take the subway? I'm no stranger to the subway. That's right. What's it? What's it? Because here's the deal. Since we become friends.

I meet people. They'll say something nice and then they'll be like, hey, say hi to Conan. Right. Because we are famously pals. So much so. It makes me so happy. That Jordan Slansky is bitter about it and shouted at me,

you have your dinners with Timothy Oliphant. Unbelievable. All right. All right. Are you doing this? I'm going to get out. I'm doing 10 minutes. You go do your thing.

All right. I can't wait to hear about it later. Jesus. And then we'll figure out where to meet. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts,

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