Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Tracy Morgan

Episode Date: March 21, 2022

Comedian Tracy Morgan feels bloated to be Conan O’Brien’s friend. Tracy sits down with Conan to talk about the roots of his iconic comedic sensibilities, his favorite character bits on SNL, starring in The Last O.G., and his emotional recovery from his 2014 truck accident. Plus, Sona confesses to a truly despicable sushi-related crime. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi. My name is Tracy Morgan. And I feel great. I feel great to be here with Conan. Oh, that's so nice. You're supposed to say you feel, you know, great to be my friend, but you, you skipped over that. Well, I feel bloated, really. I was going to say. I feel bloated. Is it gas? Do you have a gas issue? I think it's gas. I think it's gas. Hey, there. And welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, the podcast that aims to please. I'm just trying out various slogans. That one that came into my head. That's no good. We don't really aim to please. Sorry about that. No. The water resistant and safe around children. No. No. What the podcast is? I don't know. Let me try again. Yeah. Hey there. And welcome to Conan O'Brien.

Oh, you're, I liked that. I'm so sorry. I thought you were doing more slogans. I know. Oh, no, I was really going to start again. I thought you guys want to be too. No, we were just playing. No, I liked what you were doing. Let me try again. All right. Well, all right. Well, shut up. Let's go. Don't tell a woman to shut up, golly. Here we go. Sorry. And stop doing a Conan impression. Whew. Right. Here we go. Hey there. And welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, the podcast that gets it right every time. Whoa. Bull statement. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I do sometimes think we need a slogan or something. And, you know, the New York Times has all the news that's fit to print. And I think we need something like that because I think

a recent study shows that most Americans turned to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend for their news. No. So I think, yeah. No. I didn't even know the New York Times had a slogan. When was the last time you saw a newspaper? Your generation doesn't see newspapers, right? Well, no, they, it says all the news that's fit to print. Yeah, okay. Most things used to have a slogan, you know, like the Titanic. You can't sink me. The Hindenburg. I'll never blow up. Things had slogans. And I just thought, hey, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, the podcast that aims to please. And your aim will help. You know, you've actually used that slogan before because we did a segment where you talked about how it aims to please and

pleases to aim. Did I say that? Yeah. You really want to please, but I don't think it's working. Come, come for Matt and Sonia's Stay for Conan. Come for Conan's Stay for Matt and Sonia. Hey. How about Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend? We're the show. We got the goods. Oh, boy. This has to potentially fit on a mug. Yeah. Hold on. Wow, that was terrible. That did not sound good. You had time too. You had some time. You know what I love to do is promise something big. My favorite thing to do when I was on a basketball court as a kid was to say, check this out and take a crazy shot and miss completely. I thought that was the funniest thing in the world. Yeah.

To promise something with great confidence. Remember, I used to do that all the time in the office, all the years we were making late night TV. If anybody had a football, I'd call for it in what I thought was a really cool, confident way. Yeah. Like, hey, you know, go long, go long down here. I'm open. And then they would throw it to me. And I would completely flail my arms and miss it as badly as I could and act like, God damn it, watch it. And that just always made me laugh. No one else probably but me. But I like coming in with a lot of confidence. Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. The podcast where you cast the pod. We pod the... Okay, let's try this again. I'm going to count to three and I want you to

come in with so much gusto and then don't think of a slogan, whatever comes out comes out. One, two, three, go. Hey there and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. If you've got corn, we've got cheese and it's cheddar all the way. That's it. Put it on the mugs. If you've got corn, we've got cheese and it's cheddar all the way. That's brilliant because it tells you about the podcast. It's pithy and brief. And it's the way kids talk today. That's right. I swear to God, I just... One of the things that I think has made me such a successful recording artist is that I listen... When I go places, I listen to what's happening around me and just absorb it even at my advanced age. And I'm constantly hearing kids say like,

hey, you've got the corn, we've got the cheese and it's cheddar all the way. That's something that's happening out there. And I'm just reflecting like any great artist, I'm reflecting back what I'm hearing. Where were you when you heard that? At a Renaissance fair. And a man in the corner who was dressed as a knight had just had a very... He was having a stroke. He was fine. They got him some anti-coagulants, but he just out of nowhere said, we've got the corn and it's cheddar all the way. He couldn't even say it right at that point, but he's fine now. I don't want to say I'm... He's better than fine. And he's now an Olympic athlete. So everything's fine. Oh my God. What does it say that Matt was like, don't think, just say it. And you said just complete

nonsense. I mean, should we be concerned about... Were you that man having the stroke and the suit of armor? Yeah. You should be concerned about me the way they were concerned about Picasso when he started his Cubist movement. Let's wrap this up. I'm sorry. Who's on the show today? Well, someone who probably wouldn't tolerate anything that I just said. We have a terrific guest. My guest today is a hilarious actor and comedian and just a hilarious human being who was a cast member on Saturday Night Live and starred in the hit NBC series, 30 Rock. Now you can see him in the TBS series, The Last OG. I am thrilled to talk with him today. Tracy Morgan, welcome.

I got to say, there are very few people that make me as happy when I see them in person as you. You always delight me. You are so crazily funny and it just comes off of you. It's like sunshine. It makes me happy. I don't know what that is. And I remember when COVID first broke out and I started to have to do interviews on Zoom. And I remember thinking, this is going to be terrible. These interviews on Zoom are going to be terrible. And you were one of the first people to come on. And I don't know if you remember this, but you were in front of a fish tank. A shark tank. A shark. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I told you it's not a fish tank, man. It's a shark tank. Fixhays is something you buy at Petco's. Right. That's a fish tank.

A fish bowl is something you win at Coney Island. Okay. I got a shark tank. Yes, you've got a shark tank. 20,000 gallons. It was a 20,000. You were in it. And was this in your house? Where is this house? It's in your house. You have a shark in your house. In my back room, I turned my pool, my whole pool house into a shark tank and aquarium. Okay. And it's huge. You did this interview in front of a shark tank and you were so funny. And I was laughing so hard that I think I lost pieces of lung. Pieces of lung came out. And I thought, oh my God, Zoom interviews are going to be great. And then none of them were that funny again. You were the best one. Yeah. You were the first and you were the best. And for the rest of COVID, I was yelling at guests over Zoom. Are you serious?

You know Tracy Morgan. I just shout that at them. Hey, Meryl Streep, what's the matter? Can't you get it up to Tracy Morgan levels? She was very offended. Amen. We was doing some great stuff that day on that show. Yeah. Me and you. Yeah. But today we're going to take it even higher. First of all, I want to know, how are you doing? How are you mentally, physically? Well, first I got hit by a truck. Then I got hit by a pandemic. Then I got hit by a pandemic. Yeah. So if I suck today, don't blame the truck. So you're saying you were hit by the truck and that was your excuse for a while and a legitimate excuse. You got hit by a truck. But then the pandemic came along. Hit us too. Yeah. And so what was worse, getting hit by the truck or hit by the

pandemic? I think the pandemic because toilet paper was out of the window. Yeah. You could still, after you were hit by the truck, you could still get some toilet paper. Like I told you, the pandemic never affected the ghetto. Right. It did. You always tore the paper there. And if you didn't have toilet paper, you use a brown paper bag. I didn't know that. That's the backup plan. Hey, your butt got to get white, damn it. The butt has to get white. So you're saying during the height of the pandemic, when none of the rest of us could get toilet paper, you're saying the ghetto? The ghetto, they had no problem. The newspaper. I'm a New Yorker. Okay. I'm a New Yorker. Franks, sauerkraut onions, and we never eat sitting down. You never eat sitting down. You never judge a man

by what he drinks, only how he holds it. Okay. Oh, okay. This is good wisdom. This is beautiful. Only how he holds it. You judge a man by how he holds the drink. If he holds his drink up here, he's brand new. Right. But if he got that drink right down there. So we're on a podcast when I explain, down by the hip. Down by the hip means you're cool. Yeah. Now you tell me, when I drink, I hold my drink with both hands, like little raccoon paws, and I put it up near my face. And I usually have a straw. A little straw. I have a straw coming out of my beer sometimes. I'll have the... You don't drink beer with a straw. I know. You never do that. You got to be on a corner strangling a court. A court of Old English. That was my thing. Old English, 800. Okay. This is

an ad. That's when I learned how to handle my liquor. Old English. You got to know how to handle your liquor. Okay. And then I got on Saturday night live and Old English turned into champagne. That's when I became an alcoholic. That's the cheer? Saturday night live turned me into an alcoholic. Is that true? Yes. Can I say that... Because the parties, you know, when you do live television, it's like getting shot out of a cannon. Yeah. Yeah. Like getting shot out of a cannon. And then there's a party. And the parties were entirely too late. Yeah. Or you get to the party because you was on the show. Everybody you see and me go, yo, you want me to buy you a drink? I started drinking. Yeah. So you went from Old English, 800. To champagne. To champagne. You

never went back to Old English. I quit. No, never. Then I quit. I got two DUIs and I quit. Good for you. Good for you. I mean, when I got my DUIs, he said, walk the line. And I looked at the cop. I said, can I curse here? Yeah. I looked at the cop when I was walking the line. You know, they make you take the line too. Yeah. I've heard about this. Yeah. I said, move your foot, motherfucker. You said that to the cop while he's giving you a DUI test. He told me I'm you going down street punk. Not a good move, I'm guessing. Nah. And I got to the AA meetings. I was like, you guys are crazy. I had to get a drink after the AA meeting. I said, you don't do that shit when you drink. When you drink, you just fall asleep. That was crap. That made you burn that

fucking house down. My guess is they probably escorted you out of AA. Is that right? Kick me out. Yeah. They didn't escort me. They kicked me out. They kicked you out. I tried to put a nice spin on. I just, my name always coming up in everything. You know? Okay. My name is always coming. They stormed the Capitol. My name come up. Michelle Obama gets pregnant. My name, hold on a second. Hey, I don't think your name came up. My name is coming up. Two girls in a cup. My name comes up. Okay. Okay. All I did was give them a piece of paper and said, call this number when you're done. I didn't make them girls put duty on them. Okay. Okay. I didn't, Conan. I just gave them a little piece of paper with a number on it.

So you're responsible for the two girls in a cup? They tested on missiles in North Korea. My name come up. I don't remember. Remind me to call Kim when I get out of here. Okay. So you're saying that you get blamed for a lot of stuff. Everything. Everything. Everything. You get blamed. You see how they stormed the Capitol? Yeah. You want to see 800,000 white people go crazy? Yeah. Look at that. Yeah. It was one black dude and he wasn't even down with it. He just wanted to steal a TV. Palacio office. So you were not, you were not there. You were not there at the storming of the Capitol. Do you promise that you were not? My name came up and my name come up in

it. Well, I ain't tell them to storm that Capitol. Were you hanging out with them beforehand? Were you hanging out with the people that stormed the Capitol before they? It was talking about it. You were in that group? We talked and we had a little campfire and we talked about it. I'm talking about the storm. I know it's a storm. So you were camping with the guys that stormed the Capitol and you guys were just shooting the shit. You seen the guy with the paint on his face? Yeah. Yeah. We were just talking about it. We were just talking about it. I never said storm anything. Right. You maybe talked about maybe go over there. We could storm the grocery store, the deli. Yeah. I ain't say storm the Capitol.

Okay. Well, then we cleared up that one. You know, I'm going to be president one day, right? You're going to be president? You think? I could run. You could run for president? Run, Tray, run. Is that what people tell you when you see them? That's what a lot of people tell me. Really? You think with your background, you could run for president? You know how me president's got a felony? I could still become president with that felony. Why not? I think you could actually. A lot of presidents got misdemeanors and felonies. They do. I didn't know that. Obama sniffed cocaine in college. No, I don't think he did. He said he did it enthusiastically.

I thought he smoked pop. It's not like he didn't do it enthusiastically. It's not like he went to the party and saw some moms and said, oh, man, I got to sniff it. Yeah. He did it enthusiastically. Well, it's good to approach old recreational activities with enthusiasm. Everybody got a life before they become who they become. Exactly. Yeah. And you've had quite a life before you became Tracey Morgan. Yeah, I did a lot of stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yummy kids I got. How many kids you got? One of the books are off. Let's go off the books. All of them. About 33, 34. You got 34 kids. Yeah, I'm a good daddy, man. I even come back and see him every couple of years.

Do you know all their names? I break water. What are you talking about? I'm talking about women. When you're, okay. And you break the water. Yeah, I break water. I cut in billiard courts. That's just what I do. Okay. For a living, you get paid. I break water and I cut in billiard courts. You get paid to have these. Break water and I cut in billiard court. Even if the kid ain't mine. I'm there cutting. Oh, even if the cut child is not yours. That's what I do professionally. I cut. So someone will be having a baby and suddenly Tracey Morgan come sliding into the room. And cut them billiard court. Do you bring your own?

Because a lot of dads don't know how to do it. I'm not a couple. So you don't even wait to be asked. You just come on in. I'm right there. I'm a professional billiard court cutter. You're good at it. Yes. Do you bring your own scissors? Yeah, they're golden. You have golden scissors. Okay. Professional billiard court cutter and water breaker.

Okay. That's the title of my whole job. Okay. We will also look at that me. People are looking at me. Yeah, they're looking at me. You know, I got to say, Tracey, I've known you a long time. We've known each other a long time. And I know that you have patterned all of your comedy after me. You learned everything from me. Absolutely. Because everyone says, people look at me all the time and they go,

Tracey Morgan is completely ripping you off with his style of comedy. Don't listen to him. Just let it go. Listen, listen, listen. The student, the master, that's me and you. The master, the student. I'm like Bruce Lee. You see that? Yeah, I saw that. Dragon technique. That was just you sort of making your... Crane versus monkey. Crane versus monkey. That's what I've learned from you, the crane.

So you feel like I'm your master that taught you this amazing martial arts? Tell me a lot. The master, the student, the crane technique of comedy. The monkey technique of comedy. You haven't said one reasonable thing since we started talking. You have not said one slightly reasonable thing. Everything he said has been total bullshit. Absolutely. You are a professional umbilical cutter. Michelle Obama's pregnant. But if you look at it...

You stormed the Capitol. Look at the stuff we talked about. Sitting right here. Our conversation jumped a million times. It's beautiful. It was a beautiful thing. Absolutely. Yeah. I'm going to need a transcript later to find out what happened. Absolutely. You always need that with me. I think I first met you.

I miss you late night. I miss you. I know. I've done a lot of late night in my life. I could honestly say doing it with you was the best. Well, thank you. I always look forward. I would ask my public, so what am I going to do Conan? You and Howard Stern, that's the two I love working with. Well, that's really nice of you to say. But with you was different. We get into a thing.

Yeah. We would always get into a thing. And one of the things I noticed about you that I loved is you would come out and you'd be outrageous and you wouldn't make eye contact with me. You know what? You were always, and I asked you once, hilarious. But every time you'd say something, you'd look off to the side, and then you'd look off to the other side. Because you loved it. I loved it.

I loved doing that left your world. I know. And I would say to you afterwards, what are you doing? When we talk, you don't look at me. You look out at the crowd to the left, and then you look to the right, and you look to the left, and you're hilarious, but it's funny. It's completely unique to you. And you said, I'm checking them out. I'm checking in with my people, and I'm checking them out.

What I was doing was going back to the ghetto. In the ghetto, you can't trust nobody. And you got to keep your eyes open. And that's what I was doing. And it started on your show. You would come on my show and you would feel like I got to keep in... Because I had to watch the band. I knew that dude. The guy playing the bass, I knew him.

Mike Merritt. I knew him. You knew Mike Merritt. Mike was out on the streets. I knew Mike Merritt. I knew Mike when he was on the streets. I knew Mike when he was on the streets. Uh-huh. It's hard to keep an eye on him.

You had to keep an eye on him. But it was so funny because you have such a natural comedic rhythm. It's just you. You didn't learn it from anybody. I know you have... I got it from my dad. Oh, you did? I got all my sense of humor from my dad.

My dad did stand up, like I said, in Vietnam. He would do comedy. And to do stand up, my dad had more talent in his pinky than I got my whole body. My father could do dialect. And he was incredible. So to do stand up comedy in that environment under those circumstances, crazy funny, Richard Pryor funny.

So I would be up under my dad. I wasn't learning nothing from my friends. You'd know just as much about anything as I do. But when I was under my dad, I was a roadie in his band at a young age. So I would watch him and the guys in the band talking and I thought it was incredible. I didn't really know what they was talking about,

but I just knew it was incredible because I didn't start laughing and I would just watch everybody. And I just got everything from my father. That's amazing. My mom's could sing and she was funny too. Right. My mom's was hilarious. My mom's...

When we start Jonesing on each other, all the kids, my mom's would jump in there. Everyone asked me and I tell them, and I don't care where you're from, what your background is, but you learn comedy when you're a kid. If you could be the one at the table that was getting everybody laughing the most.

If you aimed your sense of humor at an uncle and you got him, laughing is infectious. Everybody else starts to laugh. Right. And all of that leads to a stand up. 5,000 people, 6,000 people. Well, to me, what I noticed is that it doesn't really matter. Like the feeling I got if I made 4,000 people to Chicago Theater

laugh versus the feeling I got if I made my family laugh at the table, it's kind of the same. It's the same feeling. Michael Jackson was great, but Michael, he could perform in front of a million people in the audience. It was difficult for him to be one-on-one. Right. As you see, he climbed.

He started talking like this and... But when he's on stage, he's a dynamo, because that's his world and nobody could touch him in his world. And it's the same for me and you. Yeah. When we in front of 4,000, 5,000 people, nobody could touch us. We in a zone.

We in a world. We in a world. And that's how I feel when I did your show. I'm going to ask you something because we've just gone through... I mean, we're coming up on, it's hard to believe, two years of COVID and it just shut down life before me. And I can't imagine you not being in front of a crowd. Have you gone back yet?

Yeah, I went back this weekend. Did you talk to anybody before you went back out there? No. And that's just my process. I don't know what Eddie's... I don't know what your problem... I don't know what nobody else... This is my process and I trust it.

Do you talk to Eddie Murphy? You guys close? That's my dude. We was just talking the other day. We was... With me and Eddie, we liked... Eddie is the smartest man I've ever met in my life. And he has a photographic memory.

I remember when he hosted Saturday Night Live. I went in his dressing room, see what's up. And he was looking at the honeymooners. Like, I do. The honeymooners... Ralph puts me to sleep every night for the last couple of years. I love the honeymooners. That's me because my life is not all funny.

It was really sad. Yeah. So I know how to go from funny to this. That's... Yeah, because Ralph crammed in when you think about it. That was the most depressed... And the thing that made you look at the show every week is when he looked at his wife and said,

baby, you're the greatest. Yeah. I'm watching this next week. I'm watching it. But you know, you look at it. You look at that TV set, the apartment on the honeymooners. It's the most depressing set in the history of television. Well, it was in the 50s.

Lauren Michaels told me about it. I was talking to Lauren about the one that he said they didn't have iceboxes in the 50s. They had refrigerators. Right. They made it intentionally as drab and sad looking as possible. And nothing ever goes right for Ralph crammed in. But it's hilarious.

So to me... Every week he tried. Yeah. And if you look at the last OG, that's what it is. Yeah. One episode, the first season, I'm looking at Tiffany and I'm talking to Tiffany Addish. And I said, baby, you're the greatest.

That was Old Ralph. Yeah. I wanted to say that on TV. So long. You know what's amazing to me when we tell you one thing, which is that I, one of my comedy heroes, and it's crazy, but Bob Newhart. Bob Newhart.

I love Bob Newhart. So smart. So... He was a sort of SNL. He's incredible. He's absolutely incredibly smart. And really revolutionized a lot of comedy in his own way. And I asked him once, who was the best jinn

up you ever saw him without missing a beat? He said, Richard Pryor. And it's so fascinating to me that... And what's amazing is how it just... It jumps over every barrier. You know, I always wanted to be like that. I wanted everyone to come see me. Not just black people.

Everyone to come see me laugh and laugh. So that's what I patterned myself after was Richard. But who didn't? You did. I did. Who didn't? But he bombed. But if you look at still smoking,

he's bombing in a club right here in New York in the 70s. And it's the funniest thing I've ever seen. Well, I think watching a really good comedian bomb is hilarious. Oh, my goodness. There's nothing funny. I'm going down in flames. Yeah. Mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday.

And I'm taking people with me. I'm taking you with me. If I go down, you're going down with me. It is so funny when someone's bombing because... I'm gonna feel fighting for my life. Yeah, exactly. You're fighting for your life. This moment right here is going to prove whether you're going

to become something or not. Yeah. And you got to fight for your life. And my idea, Conan, if I'm going down, you're going down with me. When I first got into show business, I would get on the stage and I would see the skinnies do it in the front row. And I would say to that skinny dude in front of all these people, if they don't laugh at my shit, I'm gonna fuck you up.

And that's how I broke down. That was me. You asshole, that was me. You know how much a polar bear weighs? No. Enough to break the ice. And then I got on SNL and I seen Will Ferrell. Will Ferrell gave...

He gave me my fearlessness. That's when I started taking my shirt off. He was fearless. He would come to pitch me that you know you were there. He would come to Lauren Michaels and Lauren is sitting there eating his popcorn and... Just let me tell you, Lauren has a ritual where he eats popcorn. Popcorn? Out of a bowl.

It has no salt or... And he takes little bites and you're pitching him your idea and he's eating it. But Will will come in a four-harmid suit. I still fucking... Dressed up like a knight? It started from the pitch. Yeah. And I learned that.

And I started doing funny pitches. Right. Hilarious pitches. And it goes to the table and then it goes to the floor and then it goes to the air. Dressed. Then it goes to the air. That's the evolution of it. You know, and all your characters and all the stuff that you did on SNL,

my favorite thing was Brian Fellow. He's the naturalist. I love going on. And it's such a part of you. He'd always get into this imaginary fight and a feud with the animal who hadn't done anything. But that's so you because what I learned a long time ago is start some kind of conflict when you get up there. But you were getting into these arguments with these animals that hadn't done anything.

And you were pissed. And it was so fantastic. I loved doing those characters. But the one that was closest to me was Woodrow. Yeah. In a sewer. Yeah. He got the girl boy, boy gets girl, girl boy loses girl.

And it was that that was my life. That was the closest one. He was very close to me because he got the girl. Then he lost her. So it's fascinating because what you basically just told me is that I think of you as being completely fearless and you said when you got to SNL, you were inspired somewhat by Will Ferrell because Will Ferrell would take his shirt off. Will Ferrell, I mean, Will Ferrell has those dead.

He has those dead eyes. I've always said to people the secret to Will, in my opinion, he's hilarious and he's brilliant. His eyes, he can make his eyes go completely dead. And I start laughing. So he would come on my show. He came on my show once and he had a big bird, like a cockatoo on his shoulder. And he told me we're not talking about the bird. So I tried to have a normal interview with him and you know him with the dead eyes.

And every now and then the bird would go and I go like, you know, about the bird. He'd say, we're not talking about the bird Conan. His commitment. Play it straight, Sam. Yeah. Play it straight. Play it straight. Well, you play it straight, they fall out.

But I think that is something you have this great energy and this ability to, you completely 100% believe in what you are saying and what you're doing in that moment, as absurd as it is. So you can go on when you start talking about. I end up dealing with this dude on the base. I'm having this conversation with you, but I'm dealing, I'm keeping my eye on him. On the base player in the band. And I made them laugh. Yeah.

That was me and you. You wouldn't look at me and then you'd take offense to things that no one would take offense to. And you'd be suspicious of things that, you know, and I was just like, this is fantastic. And this is one of the reasons why I think Tina Fey, who I have an enormous amount of respect for, for so many reasons, but she figured out how to let you be you on 30 Rock. It's my sister because the gods weren't really writing for me on Saturday night live. And then when she came, she said, wait a minute, there's a diamond right here. And she figured out what judge Judy and the view and she started casting me in these sketches.

And she saw and then that's when everybody started writing for me. But I came up with give me a soda bitch. I came up with that. I knew Lauren Michaels is not a conflator. He doesn't like the conflict. So one day me and him was in an elevator by ourselves. It's me and him going upstairs and he was standing in front of me and behind him. I was smiling and I know he felt that and I felt the tension there.

So then I went to pitch and I pitched give me a soda bitch because it was true. But then when I did it calling in, I was afraid because where I come from, if you call your boss a bitch, you get fired. Right. So I had to talk with Lauren because they all thought it was funny that it went to the dress and went to rehearsal. And then I said, Lauren, I spoke with him like three in the morning on a writing night. And I said, Lauren, I'm kind of caught up about this saying give me because I love Lauren.

Lauren is like my dad. I literally called him my pops. When I came out and I hosted after the accident, I called him daddy in front of means of people. I love him. You're like, I love my daddy. So he said, I said, Lauren, where I come from, if you call your boss a bitch, you get fired. And Lauren looked at me and said, no, I'm not really a bitch. We're doing this sketch.

And that was, you know, for me, that was the blessing. Yeah. So when I did it, I went all out. Well, I think that's the other thing that Lauren's proven time and time again is he knows how to let people do their thing. He's not talking to you in the first two years. Yeah. You got to prove yourself on the set.

Well, he used to, I used to pass him in the hallway and he'd say, still with the show? Like that was his way of letting me know. Stay with the show? He was still with the show. I thought we let you go. And that was his way of, and I knew I was doing well and getting a lot of stuff on, but it was his way of, and then finally, it was about a year and a half or so.

He drifted back. He never said that to the actors. He come at y'all. Yeah. The writers and stuff. Yeah. He cursed you out. The pictures, co-starring in the script or that.

He knew we were under tremendous amount of pressure just performing it. Yeah. But his writers are his writers. Yeah. Those are his babies. Yeah. So he come at y'all before he come at us. Now you did, you got in this famous accident, terrible accident,

and you were really in bad shape. What did the doctor tell you? No, my lawyer told me this, Ben Morelli. He said, there's two biggest accidents in the world. It was yours and Princess Diana's. That was Walmart. At the time, Walmart was the third biggest corporation in the universe. Apple, mobile, Exxon, Apple and Walmart.

Now it's the fourth because of Amazon. But that's why I'm out there on the turnpike looking for Amazon truck, man. Wait. You're trying to get hit by an Amazon truck? I'm on a beach chair and I just wait. So let me picture this. You're sitting on the side of the highway in a beach chair. You got your champagne.

Just for the right size. If I get 18 on the Amazon, I'm paying for life. I'm gonna be in it. I'm gonna be in it. If I survive it, I'm gonna be in it. If I survive it, I'm gonna be in here. Okay. So and then your doctor, I know you went right to your lawyer, but I tried to go to your medical condition first and then your legal condition.

I love how I say. So you were like, forget what the doctor said. My lawyer came here. Bones Hill, Bones Hill. But when you got traumatic brain injury, uh-oh. That's uh-oh when you mess with somebody's mind. Yeah. So when I came back, I didn't even know how to eat.

I didn't know how to eat. No, I didn't. They had to teach me how to eat. I remember all of that like it was yesterday. I'll never forget it. I had to walk. I had to learn how to sit down. I had to learn how to do a lot of things.

I was really bad. Really bad. Did you think you would perform again? No. I was afraid. I was scared. I remember being home in my wheelchair watching the 40th anniversary crying. 40th anniversary of SNL.

Very afraid and crying. Especially when Alec and Tina gave that speech about me. I just broke down. I broke down. I remember before the 40th, we were talking about what we were going to wear. I mean, my wife, the lawyers. We were talking about what we were going to wear and all that. Then he went home.

Then he came back. The next day he said, we're not going. My wife woke up at four o'clock and wanted to say, you're going to do what? No, you're not. All they needed to do was see Tracy Morgan with his pretty wife waving, smiling. There ain't nothing wrong with him. Oh, I see. Your lawyer didn't want you to look like you were too healthy.

No, I was bad. I was bad. He didn't want me to be there. Period. Fuck, Lord. Walmart. He didn't want me there like that. You don't need, nobody needs to see you like this.

So he said to me, you want to go via satellite? I said, no. I don't want to be a part of it then. Since I can't be there, no. Swim black. So then you end up hosting. You come back. My daughter was only 10 months, so she was just learning how to walk.

But she was scared of me when I first came home. I stayed in the bed for two weeks. I don't even remember that. I stayed in the bed for two weeks. And then my daughter would come to me because she was scared of the wheelchair. Yeah. And that really hurt me.

That really hurt me. And whoa. And she learned how to walk at 14 months. And when I seen her take off few steps, I got out the wheelchair and my wife screaming, no, no, no. And I took my first two steps. So me and my daughter learned how to walk together. Wow.

That was my baby. And then- She's my best co-star ever. She's all in the last OG. She's just through the whole season. My best co-star ever. How do you get back on stage after something like that? How do you host Saturday Night Live?

I remember when I first went back on stage after the accident, I was hosting Saturday Night Live. And we were at rehearsals. And then that night, I decided, let's go to the cellar. And my boy was like, what? So let's go to the cellar. Let's go to the cellar. And I grabbed the mic.

I grabbed the mic. I grabbed the mic. I remember it felt so good just to be welcomed back. It really did. And that day, I didn't think I was ever going to touch the microphone again. I did. You had real doubt that people- I didn't think I was going to walk again.

I didn't think I was ever going to walk again. And I did. And I just fought. I fought to come out the coma. I see my daughter in the coma say, Daddy, come back. She was only 10 months old. And I fought and I came out the coma. Then I just wanted to be better.

I wanted to be better in my life. As a bad person, a better human being to others. That's all I wanted to be. I know he spared my life for a reason. It's been my life for a reason. So now, I give back to those who are less fortunate. I give out food. I just gave out, like a month ago, we just gave out 1,000 turkeys with the fixings.

And I'm partnered with Foodbanks of America and now Amazon is on board. And I'm giving out $1,000 to five families and $40,000 to any organization. And that's when I'm doing December 16th, I'll be doing that. And that's my mission. I'd rather be a good man than a funny man any day. I don't give a fuck about that. Now, when it comes to being a good person, I'm building my house, Conan. And I don't build my house on a bridge because life is just a bridge.

I'm building my house on the other side of the bridge. So when I enter this kingdom, I got some way to live. And my door is always open to you because you are my brother in comedy. You are my comrade because when me and you together out there, we know how to do it. We do it together. I'm not doing this shit by myself. And I know that. I know whenever I came on your show, I wasn't going to be by myself.

I know once I get into a thing, you went right with me and it turned out to be beautiful. It didn't matter. Even when there wasn't an audience, when we did it at my house and I'm in front of the shark tank, me and you did beautiful. You know how to be funny with me. I don't think it's about celebrities either. I think it's just about other people that know how to do it. So if I'm, and you're the same way, if wherever I am, if I'm in the bottom of a coal mine and

I bump into somebody who's got that thing, I just want to be funny with them to me. To me, celebrity almost- I'm in the bottom of a coal mine and we trapped in there. I'm going to turn my light helmet on, my helmet, my light click. And he's going to be crying up to like, we getting you. We in here. We stuck. We getting you.

You're not. No, we're going to do comedy down there. No, I'm getting him pregnant. Wait, if you're trapped at the bottom of a mine and you're trapped, you're going to get the other guy pregnant. There's no way to get out. Oh, he's done. He's done.

He's done. Why did you go there? There ain't no women in here. We were in the bottom of a mine. That's where it's going to stay at the bottom of that mine. Whatever happens in a trapped mine stays in the trap. I thought we had a really inspirational thing going. You were in-

You were in tears just a few minutes ago. Absolutely. And now you're getting a guy pregnant at the bottom of a mine. Yeah, that's how quick it happens. My mind swims to that. We trapped in a mine. We trapped in a mine. You done.

I was crying one minute and now he's getting on. You know what's crazy? I was thinking about this too, which is I have met so many people. And I've said it myself, which is that comedy was my survival mechanism. I think you, almost more than anybody I know, literally used it to survive. Like it saved your life. You got to understand my oldest brother, Jimmy. James Morgan, my oldest brother.

He's two years older than me. He's the oldest. I'm the second oldest. He was born with cerebral palsy. So he never is late. He was always crippled. So that was my rage. My brother, seeing my brother that way,

seeing my brother with the forest come braces on and not being able to walk. So when I was in high school, I played football and I ran tracks so well, because he could never do it. He would never know what it is to walk regular like me and you. He got 11 kids. I mean, his legs might be, we ain't even nothing wrong with his dingaling. Ain't nothing wrong. He got 11 kids, but he's crippled.

So that was my... Is that a medical term? There's nothing wrong with his dingaling? There ain't nothing wrong with his dingaling. It says that on the chart. It says, that's what the doctor said. I've got to tell you, although your legs are compromised, done a lot of studies in the MRI shows that there's nothing wrong with your dingaling.

But I told Eddie, you know, when I got bullied in school, I couldn't say, well, I'm gonna run home and get my big brother. And you come back and Eddie said, that's not true. You funny because God gave you that as a gift. So for a long time, I thought I was funny because I couldn't go get my brother. If I got bullied, I would just make the bullies laugh. Right, right. Keep them all for me.

Right. To keep them all for me, I got really funny growing up in the ghetto that way. And Eddie said, no, you're funny because God gave you that. So it doesn't have to come from a dark place. No, it doesn't. We can make fun of our joys. We can make fun of the joy. A lot of people say that your comedy comes from a set.

No, it doesn't. That's not true. Because we make fun of our joys too. Yeah. So it doesn't just come from being depressed and all. It doesn't. We have joy in our lives, but we wouldn't be alive. You'd be dead.

So I never believed that. I talk about my kids and they bring me joy. I don't talk about them per se, but I'll talk about things that children do. Because my children are not. They just like everybody else's children. They do funny shit. That's how it is. When you get up there on stage, how much of it has worked out beforehand?

Or is it shockingly little? Because you're very... No, a lot of it is. A lot of it is. So you have like a skeleton of what you're going to work off of, but I know you come up with some great stuff out there in the moment, and that's the best stuff. Yeah, that's the best stuff. I cross the line a lot.

I do that. But I've created a zone for that. Meaning you know that people seeing you are aware that that's not really you. You're coming at it from this insane angle. Yeah, I could walk that lane. I could walk on in that lane. When I'm on your show, I know how to be. I know how to do it.

I already know that before I even get out there. I know Conan going to be there. He going to hold me down, and we going to rock. And they going to have a great time. And the laughter is just an appreciation for me and your sense of humor. We have our sense of humor without them. But their laughter is just showing an appreciation for it, period. I love all stand-ups.

I know how difficult this can be. Just don't quit. How are you going to do it once and then don't do it again? You can't do that. This is not something you could jump in and out of. So, you know, I've had people come to me and say, I'd like to try comedy. And I think...

No, you don't try comedy. You don't try it. You don't try it. You just jump in. It's not. Yeah. You're sense of humor. God bless us all with a sense of humor.

Well, you're getting angry now. And I don't like... No, I don't want you to think I'm getting angry. You're getting very angry. I'm mad at them. Who's that? You're pointing at the people behind the... In the sound, in the control room.

Why are you mad at them? See, it's what you do. I'm right here across from you. We've had an amazing... That's the guy right here looking at me, Conan. That's Adam Sacks. I don't know why he's looking at me like that. He's just trying to figure out a way to get a podcast out of you.

As long as you can keep him in check. There's no keeping Adam Sacks in check. Adam, that's why I keep my eye on him. Yeah, you've been staring down the people... There's a glass. Let me explain to our listeners. As always, you know, we're here in New York. We're talking to you and we're in person.

And there's this piece of glass. And then there's some technicians. There's Adam Sacks, who's the podcast whisperer. We got our people back here. He's on the side and he's looking at me. And I don't know why he's doing that. So you're suspicious of him? A little bit.

They all have sense of humor back there. They've been laughing a lot. Me and you are just more in touch with ours. That's what makes us comedians. Well, I also think that's what makes us better. That's what makes Adam Sacks. Adam, that's what makes him who he is. No one's ever mistaken Adam Sacks for Adam Sandler, by the way.

Adam Sacks. Yeah, he's very... I gotta just keep an eye on him as good as I can do with the hat, too. I can watch him. Well, I think they're together. I think they may be together. Moving together. Moving and grooving.

If you know what I mean. You haven't looked at me once, this whole interview. It's incredible. It's okay. Keep looking on the side. I'm right here. I want you to look me in the eye. I want you to deal with me.

I'm not dealing. I'm Conan. You've gotta... Okay, okay, Conan. But I gotta see if I can beat up in this because he snaps what happens to me. I protect you. If he... Let me ask you a question.

Yes. If shit got real, we were in trouble. Would you trust me physically to protect you? Do you think I... Do you think I could physically protect you? I'm gonna either see you two places in a hospital or in the precinct because we going down this rabbit hole together. Period.

That's where I come from. Brooklyn. Best star. Do or die. Take the girl. Kill a guy. Jesus. That's where I'm from.

That was not the Brookline message. You know what it is. It's motto. This is a cinch to me. Show business is a cinch to me. Before show business, I was making guys that came home that just did 28 years in prison laugh. Right, right. So, if I could make them laugh, this is a cinch to me.

I've never changed who I was. Whenever you saw a trade, that's who he is. That's what he do. I'm only different with my children. I try tenderness with them. I'm very tender with my children. So, you're not talking his craziness with your children. You're not saying...

My daughter is on my show. She's funny just like me. I know. But she's not... You go home to your kids. I gotta be able to know my kids who they really are. I don't want my kids turning it off and turning it on with me. Right.

I'm daddy. I don't want that. I want them to know how to be themselves. If you go into show business, I already... I got a star on the walk of Hollywood. I'd rather you be a doctor or a lawyer or a judge. I'd rather that. Let me ask you something.

Let me ask you something. I'm the same way. I don't want my kids going into show business. You don't want your kids going into show business. No one who's in show business wants their kids in show business. In show business. Why? Because you know how difficult it is.

And you know everybody can't handle the door closing in their face. Right. I don't want my kids' feelings to get hurt. Although my feelings have been hurt a thousand times. But we wasn't gonna quit. That's just not in our DNA. Me and you, we're not gonna quit. It's gonna be funnier and harder and funnier.

You never quit. You see when Lauren Michael says, you still on the show? Most people would have quit. Not me because my motto is do or die. And if you could blow up Saturday Night Live and Saturday Night Live is show business. That's where the best go.

And I asked Lauren Michael, how come Michael Jackson never did Saturday Night Live? He said it would have made him too small. Really? It would have made him too small. Michael was bigger than TV. Right. He got bigger than America.

He could perform in America. You can't do that moonwalk shit here. You know I'm in the record books for booing Michael Jackson. What? I want to see Michael Jackson on sat in the front row. And he started that moonwalk shit. And I said boo, boo, because we had already saw it.

Boo. Wait, you booed Michael Jackson doing the moonwalk? I'm in the record books for booing him. I want to see something new. It's the moonwalk. It's Michael Jackson doing the moonwalk. I've seen it already. That's ridiculous.

You wanted him to have another move where he went forward instead of backwards. Yeah, you got it. Yeah, you got it. How did the crowd react when you booed Michael Jackson doing the moonwalk? They tried to jump me. They tried to jump you?

I got on a T-shirt and said, what about Tito? And on the back I said, free little Kim. Okay, now listen to me. What about Randy? Who cries for Randy? Who cries for Randy? I cry for Randy.

You're the only one. What's that? You've actually said a couple of things today that I believe in their heartfelt and their real. And that's amazing to me because most of what you say you got to admit is complete bullshit. No one talks crazy like that.

As long as the judge buys it. If the glove don't fit, you must acquit. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And that's your philosophy. As long as the judge buys it. I'm free.

You seem good. You seem happy. You seem centered. You smell great, by the way. I hugged you when I saw you. That's amazing. I don't know, but my dad always told me a man must have fragrance on

because women love fragrance. I love when a woman goes, that's you smell like that? That's my way in. Or I keep my shoe untied. Then you go, your shoe is untied and that's the conversation. That's how it happens.

That's why I got all them kids. Your method to meeting women is to leave your shoe untied. That's why you got to hang out with me, man. That's why we got to hang. That is your secret, is you just leave your shoe untied. I'm smelling good.

What's the fragrance? I want to know. I don't have. I have a million of fragrances at the house. I pick one and put it on. I hugged you when you came in and I swear to God, it smelled so good that I went back in time. I saw Lincoln get shot.

It was incredible. You would have had my baby. I almost did when I hugged you. I wanted to have your baby. You smelled amazing. You smell incredible. I smell like a monk. I smell like Gundy.

I'm trying to break Gundy's record as far as kids are concerned. Did Gundy have a lot of kids? He had a lot. He had 30, 40. I don't know if that's even true. I'm trying to break his record. I almost broke Eddie's record. You choose strange records

to break. Just think about it. You're a comedian and Eddie Murphy's incredibly talented, amazing powerhouse, comedically. But the record you want to break of Eddie's is how many babies.

Imagine if you got that many kids. He would be like, oh, he make babies. Jesus. I'm old school, man. I don't pull out. I'm old school. I'm like prison. When I come in, I come in. I'm in here. I'm in here and I'm doing life. I'm writing this stuff down.

I'm doing life. You got my children. I'm going to write this down. You're shouting at the people again in the sound booth. That's my woman. My baby be half black and half white. Wow. Beautiful. Look just like her mama.

I picked my girlfriend's toenails. That's my thing. I like old women. How old? 75, 80. You like a 75 to 80 year old woman? C-section is thick. That's my thing. You like an old woman?

That's my thing. Her breast is way down here by her thighs. You like that. That turns you on. I love it. Tina Fey said she got some tick old bitties. Tick old bitties. That's a Tina Fey quote already. You know why I want an older woman?

Because I'm not into young girls no more. Because old women don't leave you. They just die. They just die. You don't want a woman who's going to leave you. I don't want to be left again. Well, they're still leaving you just in another way. If she died, you just take

flowers to her funeral. The funeral, the grave. And then people feel sorry for you. And then you got that working for you. Plus your shoes untied. I got a technique. These guys right here, they listen into my technique. He's going to leave his shoes untied.

Your shoes untied. Listen, listen to how that sounds. Excuse me, your shoes untied. It doesn't work. I'm going to try this today. I'm going to go to the... I'm staying here in New York. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to put the wedding ring in my back pocket. And I'm going to untie my shoe.

And no one's going to say shit to me. They won't. No, they won't. You just got to keep your shoes untied. See, I got my shoes untied. Why she say that? Well, that's Paula Davis. That's her book or Paula Davis. Paula, do you find it attractive?

She's saying yes. You know what it was? In high school, I used my comedy for the girls. I could sing and I used my comedy for the girls. So the girls loved me in high school. And then when I got older, it turned into a business.

But I still do it for the girls. Because women know comedy before men do. Men have egos. I'm funny in them. But women know comedy from the set up. I think you're absolutely right. So if you get the girls laughing, the guys are going to soon follow.

That's just where I come from. When I'm on your show and I'm being the way I am, women know that's hilarious. They know it's hilarious. He all suspicious and don't trust me. That's hilarious. I knew right away, so I must have a strong feminine side. I knew you were funny right away.

I knew it. I knew it before you got to the joke. And when I hugged you, I wanted to have your baby. I think I have a very strong feminine side that's getting stronger every day. And me, I knew all of that. You knew about me. I said I'm going to get Conan.

I hung on in there. We go a long way back. I hung on. You are so distracted. I know I'm so distracted. We're going to end this interview and you're going to look at me. I'm taking my glasses off.

Why did you do that? Look at me. I just took my glasses off. Look at me and deal with me. I'm right here. It's not about them. It's about you and me. You and me, when we retire from comedy,

we're going to live together. I want to do that. Do you want to live with me? I want it done. I want to go after my Walmart money. I'd like a piece of it. I'm not sharing that with a woman. Okay.

But Conan, what was I going to say just now before you distracted me? You were going to say, Conan, you're the best, you're the funniest and I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else in this world. Absolutely. You said it just like I wrote it. Absolutely.

Tracy, I love you. I really do. But you know what the best thing about me and you? We're always going to be friends. Being with you, you taught me a lot. And I was comfortable because you were a writer on SNL. So you are literally my alumni.

That's true. Literally. It's like we were in the army together at different times. But yeah, I think everyone at SNL I knew what the drill was. I'm happy to be here now. All right, I'm going to hang out with you for the rest of the day. What are we doing?

I don't want to go to time. Well, my boy runs the Big Apple Circus. We can go over there and watch him walk to Hawaii. It doesn't matter. I think people get creeped out if you and I are hanging out on the Big Apple Circus. All right, you can go to Benny Hunters. Oh, I love Benny Hunters. I know Benny.

I went to high school with Benny. I know Benny. I know Ben. Yo B, yo B, come here. Did you teach him to light stuff on fire? Was that you? I gave him that check. Tracy, Morgan, I'm going to...

I hate to let you go, but I got to let you go. I don't. I'll be back. As long as you're doing this, I'll be back. I will talk to you anytime. And I have a lot of stuff to talk about. And you know what I'll tell you? I will talk to you anytime.

I will learn very little. Most of what you say is not true. But you also... But you don't talk to everybody. You're a good man. We're shaking hands right now. I love you, Conan. He's tying a shoe right now. That means he's not going to get any later on.

She don't want me. We need to discuss something. It is well known, if you're a regular listener to the podcast, that Sona is... I don't want to say an amoral person. Come on. But Sona has committed many crimes. You've confessed on the TV show to

your thefts in the past, to your sorted past, stealing things in stores. And before COVID hit, we actually wanted to shoot a remote where we brought you back to all the different stores where you've stolen things, had you admit to stealing them

and then return those goods or pay the cash equivalent. But then, I think this is the biggest tragedy of COVID. We weren't able to shoot that remote. That and, of course, all the loss of life and stuff. But yeah, one of the biggest tragedies of COVID was that we didn't get to shoot that remote.

Aww. But we were just chatting and Sona started to reveal another of her heinous crimes. And I felt we needed to record this because I don't even understand. Explain this again.

Explain this grift. You started to talk about, back in the day when you would go to an all-you-can-eat sushi place, continue, Sona. Okay, so first of all, it's not a heinous crime. It's, I think it's... Well, let's call it despicable. Despicable, thank you.

Why don't we let the jury decide, the jury being our listeners and, of course, me being the judge, so I can overrule the jury in this weird kangaroo court. Go ahead, Sona. Tell us about this scam. Some, all you can eat sushi restaurants. Some people overorder and then they end up with a lot of extra sushi.

So because a lot of people would overorder, these sushi restaurants will charge you for whatever sushi you don't eat. Right? Yeah. Because they should. Because it's not like they can give that sushi to someone else. Right, and, you know, it's sushi. It's not like you're going to a buffet

and, like, you know, you're, like, piling up your plate. You're ordering sushi that people are making. Anyway, so... This sounds like a very sane and rational policy. Okay, so my friends and I, we would go to these all-you-can-eat-sushi restaurants and, you know, we'd have a little bit to drink, you know, like, you'd be like, yeah.

Are you drunk now? I wish. But you know what I mean. You would have another slurred. Yeah, you would have a lot to drink or have a massive cerebral event. A brain bleed. Yeah, the sake's flowing, the Sapporo's flowing and then you just order too much and what I would

do is I would, when the waiters weren't looking, I would shove all of the extra sushi, which was a lot, into one of the dinner napkins and then I would, like, hide it in my shirt or shove it in my purse and then I'd go to the bathroom and I'd throw it away.

What? You wouldn't even take it home and eat it? That's... You threw it away? You threw it away? You threw it away? All you can eat meal, why would I want more sushi and why would I want... Maybe you give it to somebody. Somebody who could eat it.

What kind of creep takes out sushi from their purse? You, apparently. No, but I mean, first of all, just imagine for a second. Imagine that you are a tuna and you're swimming in the sea and suddenly you're

snared in a net and hauled up. My great purpose, I'm going to be some sushi. You think for a second, well, my life has been short, but I see that you are taking me to a sushi restaurant and before I completely lose

consciousness, at least myself, I will create happiness. My flash will go to sustain another species in this great mystery and cycle of life.

At least that gives me some joy. Wait, they're chopping me now. Okay, I'm still somewhat alive somehow and they're putting me with some rice. Hi, I'm Bilbo, the rare octopus. They're bringing me over to these ladies. Oh, well, at least

I'm just kind of, I can't believe I'm still kind of alive, but I am. I'm able to see what at least I'm going to go into the mouths of what shoved in a napkin? My entire corporeal form,

my body, she's taking me maybe outside to give to someone who has no food. Wait, not the ladies room. Shoved, shoved in a trash can. Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I'm a Catholic

tuna fish. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we rest our case. That's awful. That's the worst. That's the worst thing I've heard. That is worse

than that guy that was trying to, people that are faking vaccine cards or making fake COVID serums that don't even work. You're worse criminal than them. You threw fresh sushi into a ladies room trash can.

How recent ago was this? How recent ago? Wait a second. There's a separate trial. Gorley's trial is coming after this one. I'm not under oath. You know what? I was working for Conan.

What? I thought this was something you did when you were 16 or 17. Seriously? I thought this was a long time ago. I was like 20s, maybe. Working for me late 20s. Late 20s.

Early 30s. Late 20s. Why are you making the restaurant all you can eat sushi and then charging me for the extra sushi? Just say it's a normal sushi restaurant. That's true. You do have a point there. Thank you.

No, you have no point. Leave it there. Pay the price. Those octopi gave their lives. And we all know those are very intelligent creatures. They've written books. There's that. Octopus.

Man, they have the brains of like, I think they've done studies. Octopi have the brains of like a 25 year old graduate. Someone who went to Brown University. That's how smart they are. That's how smart.

They gave their lives. And you're like, I don't want to pay for this. There's a documentary called My Octopus Teacher. That means that octopuses are certified tenured teachers. Did you see? Did you stay and watch the credits?

You know who directed the movie? The octopus. And you know who got the funding for it? Other octopi. That's how smart they are. And that's how smart they be. Sorry. But if we're talking about sea creatures,

I had to go a little bit into a pirate. Sona, you are undoubtedly the worst person I've ever met. What the hell? I'm getting now where I'm looking. That allows me to see the listeners. And yes, overwhelmingly, it's coming in.

People think that you're a monster. We're going to have to remand you into custody right now, straight from the courtroom. Yeah, you're being sensed. You know what we're going to do now? We're going to go back to that. All you can eat sushi place. And you are going to bring the live fish

to those restaurants. You're going to bring live fish to those restaurants. And you're going to show them what you did. They'll be kept alive in oxygenated tanks. And you will confess to the crimes at that restaurant. And then we'll leave the fish there at the restaurant

so they can be butchered and thrown out by someone else. I didn't give this punishment a lot of fun. You're really bad at punishments. I was about to say that. Wait, you want me to bring fresh fish to a sushi restaurant and then make them make me sushi? I'm not great at punishments. Okay.

But Sona, if you disagree with me, I'll put you in a jail cell made of white chocolate. And you'll be forced to watch Different Spoons, seasons one and three. That's your punishment. Different Spoons?

I don't even know what that is. Silver strokes. Oh, you're on trial. What just happened? You're on trial. You're going to watch Silver Strokes and Different Spoons. Silver Strokes is what you're having right now. You messed up. Did I mess up?

You're trying to make me look bad. You messed up. You know what I did? I switched it around on purpose to give everyone out there in their morning commute a little giggle. I don't want to do this because I hate when people do this, but it's not octopi. It's octopuses. It's Greek.

I was referring to octopuses that have been ground up and put into a pie, which is referred to as an octopi. So that's what I was referring to. I don't know what you were talking about, but I'm correct. When octopuses are chopped up and minced and put in a pie,

it's an octopi. Your Honor, I rest my case. Sona, guilty, gorely, guilty. Here's the verdict for Conan. Oh, innocent and gets a $900 credit. And any Bob's big boy in the area. Nope. Trust me.

I am Judge Jury and sex executioner. Oh, what a way to die. End of segment. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Will Beckton. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

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