Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Undercover Rabbi

Episode Date: December 29, 2022

Conan talks to David from New Rochelle, NY about being a congregational rabbi and what a clergy team meeting with Conan and the chums would look like.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Oh, man. Hi, David. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Hey, David.

How are you? Wow. I am so nervous. Oh, don't be. Oh, okay. Well, David, do not be nervous. You will quickly realize that we are idiots if you haven't already. And it's really nice to talk to you. Where are you right now?

I'm in New Rochelle, New York, right outside of New York City. Okay. I grew up fantasizing about New Rochelle because my favorite show when I was a really little kid, it was on in reruns, was the Dick Van Dyke show. He was a comedy writer. And I remember thinking that'd be the coolest job in the world. And he lived in New Rochelle. So that's right. That was, that just made me think, man, if I could live in New Rochelle and be married to Mary Tyler Moore and write comedy. Well, one of those came true. So how are you? Tell us a little bit about yourself, David I'm great, so I live in New Rochelle, I'm a congregational rabbi I have three children

One is, he's a freshman in college One in a junior in high school And a fifth grader Wow And I'm a huge fan Oh, that's nice All three of you Oh no Yeah, primarily me Yeah, so not He said all of us, so And I'm a huge fan. Oh, that's nice. All three of you. Yeah.

Oh, no. Primarily me. Yeah. He said all of us, though. Yeah, he said all of us. Well, David, it's clear, though, that it's like, oh, it's Conan. And then, yes, of course. Well, we don't know that.

The others. We're yes, of course. We're the yes, of course. Listen, David, let's get back to the main focus, which is you're a huge fan of mine. Of ours. And then. We'll never get past this part. Rank us.

Yeah. I'm curious, you know, because I was raised, as you can imagine, and as I've mentioned on the podcast many times, and it's no secret, I'm Irish Catholic. But I grew up in an area right outside Boston and my school was surrounded pretty much on all sides by temples. And so many of my really good friends were Jewish. And I think I went to many more bar mitzvahs when I was a kid than first communions or any other Christian ceremony. So I grew up really liking your religion a lot. It felt very user-friendly and comforting. Yeah.

So, well, you ended up in a good place then in Hollywood. What the hell? You know, the truth is, it's... Hey, tone it down, David. Okay, okay. It's not true. There are no Jewish people in Hollywood. None.

It's all Mormons. It's the Mormons that control Hollywood. And some Baptists, Mennonites. But that's the... So. But I'm curious, first of all, when did you decide that you had this calling to be a rabbi? Is that something you knew when you were a kid? No, no, I was not voted most likely to end up in the rabbinate. I did not grow up in an observatory at all.

And yet I was. At all. Oh my God. I did not grow up in an observant family at all. And it was, you know, I went to India for a year after college and I worked in the Jewish community there. And that was the beginning of, you know, really thinking about serving the Jewish community in some capacity. But I was not, you know, it was like a slow, circuitous route to the rabbinate. I lived in Baltimore for a year teaching. I lived in Israel for a year. And eventually I found my way to rabbinical school.

Okay. And then it just felt like you knew right away, like, this is it. This makes sense for me. No, no, no, no. I mean, there's- How is it feeling now to be a rabbi? I get the feeling any minute now you're going to say, you know, I think being a glass blower might be the way to go.

You know, your question, you asked about being called to this work. And actually, most Jews I know don't really feel called to this work. So I think that's one of the differences between Christianity and Judaism. You know, we sort of like, we care a lot about Judaism, love the Jewish people, don't like all of them, but love them. And, you know, I care about the Jewish intellectual tradition. So this could be a good, this could be a good career choice in that sense, as opposed to feeling called into this work.

Got it. Got it. That's interesting. It's more real. It's pragmatic. Yeah, I think not for everyone, but certainly for me, it was. And for most rabbis I work with and am friends with. So tell me, what's your day like? Because I'm trying to imagine what I do know, and this would be true for a priest as well, or for people in other religions who are, you know,

well or for people in other religions uh who are you know um walking the walk that you have a different your day is composed of many different kinds of tasks is that right you're not you're not just teaching students about you know moses and and taking them through various steps of the things they need to to learn uh you know their faith. There's all kinds of stuff that a rabbi needs to know how to do. It's true. Actually, the way you said that reminded me of, so my wife, Tali, has a doctorate from NYU. And she was, as I was finishing rabbinical school,

and it was six years after college, and Tali got accepted into NYU, my mother said, this is so exciting, the first shuck to go to graduate school. And I was sort of finishing six years of graduate school. So I asked her, you know, what did you mean by that? You know, I'm studying Aramaic

and like ancient languages. And she said, I don't know, don't you just like teach children about Moses? I'm channeling your mom right now. Enough with the Moses. It's Moses this, Moses that. But what do you do? Tell me the different things that could happen in your day.

Sure. So there's like, you know, we're building an institution. So there's 600 and so a few thousand people associated with the synagogue. So there's a nursery school. There's a religious school, there's the kind of day-to-day life programming of the synagogue. So I'm constantly working on ensuring that we're meeting the needs of the community in that way. But, you know, people get sick, they end up in the hospital, everything, you know, you

get a call and you have to drop everything and you spend time with families offering comfort or presence through, you know, the death and dying piece of the life cycle. There's weddings, there's babies are born and, you know, you have opportunities to celebrate. I do a lot of pastoral counseling for people who are, you know, either have sick loved ones or marital problems. And so every day is completely unpredictable because you work with human beings and we're endlessly interesting creatures with lots of different needs. And so it's a trying to balance the sort of day-to-day life of the institution and the human experience of all of the people associated with the synagogue.

Are you always, you know, wearing anything that would identify you as a rabbi? Can you go undercover? Are there times where you, you know, because I'm talking about- I am curious, because you know, priests you can easily identify because of the collar. Yeah. So I don't know. I mean-

That is exactly my question is, and it's because right now I'm talking to you and i'm thinking well if you wanted to you could blend in and say um yeah i just got off the boat from switzerland i'm here to repair cuckoo clocks and just just take a little time off you know yeah no there's um so you know there's two different pieces of that question. The first is, you know, if I want to watch, I'm a huge Philadelphia sports fan. I want to watch the Eagles game with my family. I run to the supermarket to buy Tostitos and I'm counseling somebody in aisle six around a cancer diagnosis that someone I bump into, you know, it's or because, and that's because

they, but that's because they know you, they know you're, I mean, that's the other thing is, you can't go anywhere in your community without someone stopping you and saying, hey, we've got to talk. I'm seeing someone on the side, my wife doesn't know. And then suddenly, suddenly you have to like put the Tostitos down and really get into it.

Well, you don't have to do that. Right. No, you do have to, you can't be holding Tostitos. No, you need Tostitos. and really get into it. Well, you don't have to do that. You can't be holding Tostitos. Or Testitos either. No, I never hold my Testitos when I counsel people. Yeah, the other piece is

when I am not in my local area, right, when I'm not in New Rochelle or in Westchester, I never tell people I'm a rabbi ever. So if I meet someone and when I, like it's led to some really awkward, completely uncomfortable situations where I'm sort of found out in the middle of a conversation that I was lying about being a rabbi. And I was once in Arizona and I went to Sedona.

I was by myself, you know, these like, purple, those big pink, pink Jeep trips, you know, yeah, I know those, I've been on one of those, they have these giant four wheel Jeeps, and you get in there with a few other people, and they take you on these insane, you know, sort of trips up pretty much at a 90 degree angle up some rocks. It's pretty harrowing, but fun. Yeah. Yeah. And I just wanted to get away. And there were three couples from Chicago and me. And they said, you know, being friendly, what do you do? I said, oh, I'm a teacher. And they said, oh, what do you teach? I said, history. They, you know, they said, oh, where do you live? And I said, I'm outside of New York city. And we went through the whole thing. And one of them said to his wife,

don't we know, how do we know that town? And they went back and forth and he said, wait, rabbi Schwab has a good friend. Who's a rabbi in that town, you know? And so I was sort of discovered. Oh my God. You're in Arizona Arizona, you're in Arizona, you're in Arizona, driving on a four wheel drive over boulders. And people are like, we know you, you're a rabbi. Exactly. And I told them, they said, Why didn't you tell us you were a rabbi? And I said, Well, then people will start making me work. And I'm really on vacation. And they laughed. And they said, Don't worry, we would never do that. And 10 minutes later, one of the guys was like, oh, you know, I wanted to go to synagogue

when my mom died and I never really did. And so it's like impossible to go anywhere once you're found out. You know what it is? You know what it is, David? Nope, David, it is your life is exactly like that of a dermatologist, which is anyone who sees a dermatologist, who finds out that someone's a dermatologist, invariably says, they pull up their shirt and say, can you just look at this for a second? Because it's unlike most other, you know, if you're talking to a cardiologist, he can say, look, I don't really have the tools here.

But everybody does that to a dermatologist. And now I see they do it to a rabbi. I'd be a terrible rabbi. Why? Because I just wouldn't want to do anything. I feel like I would ghost everyone. That's a reason why you'd be bad at a lot of things. But also, I feel like you would just,

like you're in the hospital doing a bris and then somebody calls you and you have to go to the other part of the hospital to like, for someone who's dying. That's a lot emotionally. I don't know if I could handle that. In my experience with a bris, it doesn't happen in a hospital.

It happens out of the temple. Oh, I'm sorry. Is that correct, Rabbi? That's true. Thank you. That's true. But Sona, I actually, you're very empathic and i think you'd be a great rabbi oh okay no but she doesn't terrible work ethic and uh doesn't care about

doing a good job so those would be problems well if someone's like texting me and i'm watching a show i think i'd just be like i'll get to it and then the person would die that That's true. You'd be a terrible rabbi. Yeah, see, David, I'm trying. I love your people. I love your faith. I'm trying to help you here. You do not want Sona to be a rabbi. Do you perform brises or does that a special, that's a special skill, right?

No, that's a special skill. Oh, okay. I do not. Are you asking for a reason? I mean, I appreciate it. My favorite joke when I'm at a bris is to say, it's to say, man, this calamari's good at the dinner afterwards.

And then have someone say, there's no calamari. And I go, oh. Come on. It's hilarious because it means I accidentally ate the foreskin. It's a hilarious joke. Boy, this calamari's killer. There's no calamari. Try it out sometime, Rabbi.

It's really funny. I will go to a TGI Fridays and go, boy, this foreskin's delicious. We don't serve foreskin here. I accidentally ate calamari. This is the stupidest thing ever. After my son, my first son was born,

the custom in Judaism is the foreskin has to be buried. You can't dispose of it in any other way. So the, the Moyal who did the bris for my son gave it to me. And I was like, what am I supposed to do with this? I was a rabbinical student living on the Upper West Side. And he said, you have to bury it. But I lived in New York City. So my friend and I went to Central Park and we went behind home plate, this huge baseball fan, and we buried it behind the first field in Central Park.

Oh. And now there's a foreskin tree growing right there. Every October, dropping foreskins. What a terrible image. But Rabbi, and what is your last name, Rabbi?

Shuck. There was a character actor named John Shuck when I was, he was in Homes and Yo-Yo, the TV show. And, sorry, I'm going way back there. He played, look up Homes and Yo-Yo, John Shuck. He was a very funny character actor. That sounds like a show you made up. Yeah. Shout out to John Shuck, right?

I don't even know that one. John Shuck, Homes and Yo-Yo. Okay. You got a picture? Any relation? Matt has never you made up. Yeah. Shout out to John Shuck, right? I don't even know that one. John Shuck, Homes and Yo-Yo. Okay. You got a picture? Any relation? Matt has never heard of it. Yeah. You might be related to John Shuck. Are you related to John Shuck?

No, because he doesn't exist. He does exist. Homes and Yo-Yo, folks. I know a lot of fans out there right now going crazy that I mentioned your favorite show from 1970, I'm going to guess, eight? Homes and Yo-Yo? Yeah. Sorry about that.

Oh, they're, it's people. Yes, it's two guys. Oh. And here's the trick. John Shuck, the actor, plays a robot.

He looks like a regular person, but he's a robot. I mean, some of these shows are dumb, though, right? Wait, is this before Jaime on Get Smart

or after? It's afterwards. It's after Jaime. It's a rip-off. Smart or after it's afterwards it's after Jaime it's a rip off before after Small Wonder it's a show I know it's a great show

before Small Wonder Rabbi I seem to have lost the thread here I took us down a little bit of a rabbit hole on John Shuck it's good

but I wanted to give him a shout out I wanted a smugly drink water if you're out there John is he still with us John Shuck please say yes

he is wow John Shuck if you're out there I John, is he still with us? John Shuck? Please say yes. He is. Wow. John Shuck, if you're out there, I'm a fan. Let's get him on the show. Holmes and yo-yo.

And I'm your nephew. Yeah, you could be. Do you have a question for Conan? Yes. Do you have a question for me? I do. How can I,

Rabbi, how can I counsel you? Oh, yes. Thank you. I never thought you would ask. So let's just say you are the senior rabbi, Conan. Oh, dear.

And Sona and Matt are the associate rabbis. What would a clergy team meeting look like? Well, first of all, I'd be there. And I think Rabbi Matt would be there as well. Sona would not be there because she'd be running late and not caring. Oh, okay. I think that you would be eating up everyone's time by playing the guitar for about an hour. Right.

But playing. Holding up the meeting. But playing songs about Israel and playing songs about Moses. Yeah, but that accomplishes nothing for our clergy. It does. It doesn't cross anything off the agenda of the meeting. I would sing the dreidel song. I'm sending my rabbinical resume over to you, David, to see if I can get a transfer of some kind.

Oh, no, you can't. Oh, no. I got to work under this guy. Because you're the guy that I bring with me to the bris whose job is to say, we didn't serve any calamari. Because I need someone to say that from my joke to work. But it's like a hundredth time. It's the hundredth time.

We didn't serve any calamari. And I go, ugh. But sometimes you don't do it because you're so sick of it, so I have a little broomstick and I tap you with it. What if they are actually serving calamari? I know, it's a drag. That's a problem. Then it's Matt's job to make sure that they take the calamari out.

Okay. And get rid of it. His job is to get there early and get rid of all the calamari that they routinely serve at a bris. So is our meeting just discussing how we're going to support your bits yes that would be yes

because you need to know David all of the meetings would be okay I've got this bit I want to do and here's what here's what I need

I need you to ask me I need you to say this Matt and then when Sona shows up I need you to do this and you know so it would be a lot of that you are going to do our son's bris

correct no we've got other people for that I need you to do this. And yeah, so it would be a lot of that. You are going to do our son's brisk, correct? No. We've got other people for that. No one calls you anymore for anything. You're the only rabbi no one calls for anything. Your workload would double, David,

because everybody from my, everybody who worked at my temple would be like, no, no, no, no. We're good, Conan. You'd be getting twice as many calls. Sad old lonely rabbi on the top of the hill that no one calls. You hear someone in your synagogues having like marital trouble

and you go to them asking if you can help and they're like, no, we're good. Yeah, we're good. We're fine. I heard you just lost a parent. I'm fine. It was good. No, no, no, we're good. We're we're good. We're fine. I heard you just lost a parent. I'm fine. It was good. No, no, no, we're good.

We're good. Conan O'Brien is rabbi without a cause. It's me in a red jacket, color flipped up, James Dean style. No one comes to talk to me. I can't have a little bit. You know, David, you don't seem nervous at all anymore.

You got over that really quickly when you realized who we're talking to. It's just amazing how our clergy meetings are so similar to what we just described. Oh, that's good. Is that true? Really? No. No. Well, yeah.

Holmes and Yo-Yo comes up. There's a lot of calamari jokes. Sometimes I can be so naive. There's a lot of calamari jokes. Sometimes I can be so naive. Hey, is Hanukkah going to be a busy time for you that's coming up? It's a busy time. Okay.

It's a very joyous, festive time. It is. Yeah. It's a fun time. Yeah. It's a time for us to, we actually have a holiday where it's not about people tried to kill us and they didn't and let's celebrate. Well, actually, it's precisely that. OK, forget that. Yeah.

We have a lot in common, like the Irish and the Jews. Like it's it's hard to be optimistic as in the Jewish community. So anytime we have a holiday that's like eat greasy food and light candles, it'll be great for us. It'll be fun. I think the Irish and the Jews are linked in many ways. I think we both have a guilt

as a big motivator and kind of in a weird way, a rocket fuel, like an Achilles heel, but also a strength is our guilt. And then the other thing I've found to be very true is sense of humor. Like, you know, so many of my favorite funny people are either Irish or Jewish. And so there's something about humor as a defense

mechanism that I think also unites us. Completely. And, you know, I have to say, I often hear you say like oh we're just doing silly shenanigans meaningless things here but the truth is the work that you do as as a comedian is really important work in the world for like for me getting through this pandemic which hit new rochelle really hard that's right New Rochelle was like ground zero, right? You guys were hit very hard. Tell us about that. We had a lot of losses in this synagogue, and I was doing sometimes three funerals in a day.

Sometimes I was officiating. I buried a husband and then a wife a week later, his wife. It was traumatic here. And these were losses, you know, the technologies that Jews developed for so long about dealing with our grief, you know, shivas and big funerals and coming to synagogue to recite, you know, a prayer of mourning. We couldn't do any of that. So it was really like people in this community just disappeared from the community. And, you know, I think in so many ways, my job now is for that loss too. So it was really tough, but I listened to your show and it really, in so many ways, and your friendship and your banter,

in so many ways, it really got me through the most difficult time of my life. That's really, that's lovely to hear. And it is really, it means a lot to me when I bump into people who say that we're in any way, you know, making them feel better. Sometimes they feel better because they know they're not us. Yeah.

Most times. But it is really, that's very meaningful and that's nice of you to say. And I'm glad we were able in our own way to be there for you. we were able in our own way to be there for you. I'm really sorry for what you went through, but I think the people of New Rochelle are just very lucky to have you. You seem like a really great, you seem like a really good person

who's very giving and very empathetic. And I think you're doing a great job. And so I salute you. I do salute you. Thank you. And a salute from me is, I don't know if it's very meaningful. I do salute you. Thank you. And a salute from me is, I don't know if it's very meaningful. I mean, there's room to go up.

I'm not an admiral, but you know, I'd still salute you. You can aim higher. Yeah. Hey, David, it was really lovely talking to you. And I hope your community continues to heal. I hope your community continues to heal. And I just wish you a great Hanukkah holiday season, really. I hope you have just a lovely one because it sounds like you deserve it.

Thank you. Thanks so much. All right. Talk to you later. Take care. Bye-bye. All right. Bye-bye.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Joanna Soloterov, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vivino. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez.

Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher.