Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Vanessa Bayer

Episode Date: June 13, 2022

Actress and comedian Vanessa Bayer feels honestly thrilled about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Vanessa sits down with Conan to discuss the perks of her childhood illness, performing improv on a cruise ship, originating iconic sketches like the Bar Mitzvah Boy and Totino’s on SNL, and her new home shopping comedy I Love That For You. Later, Sona gives Conan a lesson in basic Armenian.  Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Vanessa Bayer and I feel honestly thrilled about being Conan O'Brien's friend. You know what? I don't... The fact that you had a weird inhuman pause and you said honestly thrilled and then there was a pause like, anyone buying it? I didn't. Is anyone buying this? Hey and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

I just looked up and read off a monitor that says the name of our podcast. Did you forget? And I'm aware that I just said hey and welcome to you and I looked up and read it off the monitor. We should put something up there that we weren't read like, welcome to Matt and Sonia get a raise. Yeah, it's like in Anchorman where he'll read whatever on the screen. He reads whatever.

What does he say? Fuck you, San Diego. Fuck you, San Diego. Oh wait, no, I think it's go fuck yourself, San Diego. Yeah, go fuck yourself, San Diego. I just don't want to misquote Anchorman. Anyway, I just, I don't know why I did that. I looked up, I know that this is called Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, but I looked up and

I do. I really do. Just don't take that monitor away. That's how relaxed I am. Let's look at it that way. That's how relaxed and in the moment and Sonia, you'll attest, I don't, I'm not a relaxed person most of the time. You're not.

Why? I just, just stop. What do you mean? Stop what? Stop doing that. Just chill. Just relax and do it. If I could, I would.

Yeah. You know that. But you know, you've really worked on yourself a lot. You're a very different person than when I first started working for you. I will say that. I've seen growth. This is what? Eleven or 12 years ago?

13. Wow. That's 2009. Okay. That's right. That's right. And what was the difference? What was I like then?

I think you were wound up really tight. It was also when you were about to move to Los Angeles. There was a lot going on and you were very like, you know, I'm so nervous. I have no idea. I don't think I walked around going, oh, no, no, you weren't, but you could tell there was like just this weight on you and you were like, you know, there was a lot going on and now you seem a lot more, you seem a lot happier than I was. That's nice.

Yeah. We've been lucky that, uh, I think that the TBS show was so much fun to do and really kind of a joyous experience and, and those were great people to work with. And then this thing has been just tripping and falling into, you know, what is it? I think my, my wife, she has a relative who if something good happens to you, they say, well, you landed your ass in butter. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah.

Well, you landed your ass in butter, but that's how it feels getting to do this podcast is it's so much, I landed, I just want all the people listening to picture my bony, pale, Irish ass. Yeah. That ain't getting any younger. Um, being dipped into sort of liquid, I'm going to say melting butter. It's very soft, mushy butter. Like is it opaque or is it kind of transparent like movie theater popcorn?

It's sort of starting to get translucent around the edges and it's also very hot. So as I'm being lowered into it, my, I start screaming because it's burning my ass. That doesn't sound good. Congratulations. You did this thing. So I want to say I really did. That's not good. With this podcast, I landed my ass in, my bare ass in scalding hot butter.

You did it literally. You heard that expression and you just tried it literally. Yeah, I did. I thought that must be great. So I had myself, I had a winch put in the kitchen and I had myself lowered. So I'm sorry. What's a winch? A winch.

It's a pulley system. Like on the front of a Jeep, if you want to pull a Jeep out of a mud, you, it's like a cable that will pick an unspool has a motor. And so I had myself, I bought, I actually stole it off of a Jeep that I saw in a parking lot and I had it attached to the ceiling in my kitchen and I had myself lowered and into this vat of butter. The guy in the parking lot was like, where are you going with that winch? So you're not going to dip your ass in butter, are you?

And I said, I don't know. I wouldn't do that. All right. I'm going to get my blue jowl. Don't look at me like that. It was last week. Oh, for God's sake, I'm very good at not mixing, man. I'm very good at mixing.

Yeah. So I do feel. Yeah. How dare you get on me about referencing something last week and you're just talking about putting your ass in butter. It's not like we're doing high art here. No. I think this is high art.

No. No, no, no, no, no. No, it's not. Anyway, I'll get us back on track, which is, and I'm sure there'll be some edits here. They'll be really great if there weren't. You got it. We were very fortunate. I was very fortunate to land this silly gig.

It's really fun and, you know, I'm enjoying myself. So I think I'm a happier chappy than I was 13 years ago. Good. Yeah. And also, I don't see you like every day, Sona. You know what I mean? You've got your kids and stuff. We see each other a lot.

It doesn't feel that way. It doesn't? No. No, I think we do. I just see you constantly, I would see you all day long, and then if I was doing a show at night, you'd come on that. If I toured, you came on the tour, you were omnipresent in my life all the time. Now it feels like, yeah, I see you when we do this, and I see you here and there.

That's true. But you seem happier, Sona. I am so much happier. I don't know what happened for the last 11 months. I'm just kidding. That's great. I'm kidding. Come on.

I keyed. Help to the end. We're friends forever. Let's get on with this. It smells like ass butter in here. That's butter. Jesus. I'm literally, try it, folks.

Dip your ass in very hot butter. Take it from me. It's the most essential experience you'll ever have. What if today's guest was like Malala or something? Right now, you just look out and you see that they're walking away. I've always wanted to have a really stupid segment up front and then look over and see through the window that the guest is gone, and I'd be like, wait a minute, who was it? It was a civil rights activist, a really serious good person doing good work, and they just

heard me dipping my ass in butter and I'm like, I'm going to go. You've done it in the past when we've had Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama, you're like, guys, we have to keep this intro very professional, and then it always, always devolves. Obama tried to leave, remember? He tried to go and the door, he couldn't get the door open. We don't remember because we weren't invited to that interview. We weren't at that point. Oh, right, right.

The Secret Service looked into your background. But they somehow approved to ask Butter Guy. Oh, trust me. Sona, you actually have a rap sheet, so I do not. No, I don't. That's why I've gotten away with so much. Because I don't know what's ever... Yes, yes, I know.

Pickpocket. No, not a pickpocket. Sticky fingers. That would be really cool if I knew that still. You stole a scrunchie, right? What? Didn't you steal a scrunchie? Yeah, you go to Forever 21 and steal stuff.

No, not... Well, Forever 21 was. That's why you didn't get to meet Obama, because you are a thief. I don't have a record. That's why I kept stealing. Trust me, there's having a record, and then there's what the Secret Service can find out. That's not true. They knew exactly what you had done, and they knew that you could not be around the president.

They presented you with the scrunchie. They were at that Urban Outfitters. Yeah. Obama was like, where's the scrunchie thief? Scrunchie thief here? Where? The thief. The pickpocket.

No, she couldn't be here. All right. Okay. Secret Service? Secret Service never... Oh, come on! That's Jackie Mason slash Barack Obama. It's both, if you want.

My guest today... Hey, if you want impressions, this is not the place to tune in. Okay. My guest today... Oh, that was Obama. My guest today was a cast member on Saturday Night Live, now co-created in... What? What the hell?

And now co-created in... You got too hung up on trying to put him in... My guest today was a cast member on Saturday Night Live, and now co-created in Stars in the New Showtime series. I love that for you. I'm thrilled she's with us today. Vanessa Bayer, welcome. It is a thrill to have you here.

You know, I adore you. I think you're terrific. And we're going to start at the beginning... Let's start at the beginning. ...which is you interned for me. Yes. And here's the crazy thing. Vanessa's growing list all the time of people that interned for Conan.

I mean, we could start, but it's like Conan being me. Yeah, okay. Okay, I wasn't sure. It's like you have a little cult. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know what it is. Maybe I emit some sort of magical aura.

Oh, boy. I don't... I don't think that's it. That's not it at all. That's probably not it. Okay, let's move on. But, you know, I mean, the list goes on and on. It is very impressive.

What is the... John Krasinski. Right. If I were to be a large, strong fellow, I would regularly toss him around because when I see a... You know, I'm like a threatened male ape and Krasinski right away. And we've talked about it. I would grab him and go, you listen to me.

But... Mindy Kaling. Mindy Kaling. Angela Kinsey. Ellie Kemper. Ellie Kemper. Right. Yeah, it's incredible.

Jeff Goldblum. Jeff Goldblum. Dick Cheney. Incredible. Yeah, Dick Cheney, right after he was done being vice president came... Came an intern. Came an intern. And you know what?

He was a terrific intern. That's... Yeah. And he loves comedy. That's so... That's always what you think. You think... You hope and you...

He was... He was great. Did you have a good time? How long did you intern for us? My intern for this summer is probably there for two months. I was a general production intern. So we sat on those couches outside of Tanya's...Tanya had her desk and then we sat on those couches and we sort of waited for stuff to do.

Right. But then... And it was like... So you were... I remember those interns. Those were the interns that sat there and they were like firemen because they were inert and then someone would quickly say, Conan needs hair gel and you'd be activated and you'd go rushing off to buy that special hair gel that I like.

It was so fun. It was real... I'm also sorry to brag about this, but the summer before I had interned at Chelsea Market at Oxygen. Okay. And... Namedropper. Yeah, whatever.

It's not even a big deal. But because I had interned there, I knew where to get all the free samples and stuff. And so then I got asked once a week, they'd have an intern go get oranges and stuff from Chelsea Market, like Citrus, to bring back to the office. And that was because I was obsessed with no one on my staff getting rickets, the disease people get when they don't get enough vitamin... Because you did your show Crossing the Ocean in an old pirate show. Well, I just knew that there's one thing...

I said, I don't know if my show's going to be funny or not, but no one's getting rickets on my watch, this ancient Mariners disease. So you would go out to get oranges. So I'd be like, oh, who wants to go to Chelsea Market? And I'd be like, I do. So I'd go get oranges. I do. And I just spent an hour getting all the samples, eating all the samples at Chelsea Market,

and bring back oranges. And that's a real great memory. Well, can I just say, it sounds like... I'm going to say right now, it sounds like you were a bad intern. Because you spent as much time... Your simple task was to grab some oranges and then you consumed or tried on 75 different free samples before you were... Right.

Right. Well, I mean, I wasn't being paid. Oh. Fair play. Oh, boy. But no one... That again. But no one...

Why do people expect payment for their labor? I don't understand. Yeah. Why? You got school credit. But nobody... I got school credit. So it was like a class.

What a cheap class. Who has gotten into like a reputable law school because they worked for Conan? I'm doing this job for school credit. I know. You'll get there. There's just a few more years and you'll get there. No, of course. I mean, there's so much to talk about, but what is the gap between when you're an intern

on my show and when you start... I think you started Saturday Night Live in 2010. Yes. So I interned for you this summer of 2003. So seven years. So actually, the summer before my senior year of college is when I interned for you. And then I moved to Chicago after college and I was there for six years. And then I got...

So pretty quick. What were you doing? To get you to SNL? I moved to Chicago and I did all the improv. I did improv everywhere. And then I... Not improv everywhere. That's a separate...

I was gonna ask. Oh my God. Improv... You know what improv everywhere is? I don't. It's the thing where they'll be... I don't know if it still exists, but it was big when I interned, actually. Everyone's on a subway train and all of a sudden they start all singing the same song.

And then people on the train are supposed to be amused, but they're actually like... They just want to get to where we're going. It's a war crime. Oh my God, Matt. It's like early flash mob, basically. Yeah. And they just start doing scenes. It's bad.

No. And you know what goes online every now and then? You'll see it'll go viral as someone... A movie theater projector will break down and then someone will jump up in front of the crowd and start doing stand-up. And the universal response is revulsion and anger. You said that like it happens a lot. I feel like it only happened one time and it was a very awkward thing, right?

It started... I'm predicting that it's going to be a major thing. I'm predicting... I know that there was one case where it happened, but I'm predicting that this is going to spread very quickly. People are breaking the projector itself. Yeah. That was...

To me, that was the first germ that escaped from like the Wuhan lab. And that's... And now it's just... You know, it's going to spread. And soon there's going to be improv everywhere all the time and Fauci's going to be on the air saying, don't say yes and whatever you do, say no but, say no but, or just no period. Did you... Now, so you...

And then you did Second City. I did Second City and the Annoyance and IO. So those three... And Andy Richter came from the Annoyance Theater. Yes. I think so. Yeah. It's really interesting.

I have this fascinating relationship with improv, which is I started doing improv. Yeah. I always thought improv's a great tool and I always got worried the minute people were being charged to see it. That was always, I remember a thing when I did it in Chicago and like, I would have friends come to a show, especially like early on and I, you know, you just don't know if the show is going to be good or not because someone could get in there and I... As an audience member, I saw so many hours and hours and hours of improv, probably hundreds

of bad hours of improv because you have to be kind of bad at it before you get good at it. Like, I think very few people... It's true of so many things. Yes. But it's like... Yeah. You just...

I remember my parents coming to shows and just being like, what are you doing? Oh, no. I remember we did a show once where I was at this group and it was like one rule of like earth doesn't exist. So it would be like... Right, right. And it would be like, you know, I don't know if it was like gravity or it was like something like that.

And it would be like, do the whole improv show with this one. And you don't tell the audience what it is, but this one thing that is like a rule of living is not a rule. And it was like, that's how I felt. I was like, I guess we're just going to like run the world after this. It was just like, we've come up with like the most incredible improv fear, like people's mind. And people were like, that's okay, like it's fine, like good show, I guess.

Good show. Nothing. My favorite comment is good show. But it's like the thing where like you're doing your job and you're like, we've come up with it. Like this is it. We cracked the code. That is, and I think that's something that's, you have to be in your twenties and an incredible

comedy nerd and very, and it's, there's a sweetness to it. So sweet. But you really think we have found something that Monty Python never thought of. We found something that, you know, the great, the Marx brothers never thought of. We thought of something that no one's ever, but I will say in defense of, you know, when you see good improv, it's thrilling. It is. It is.

And I remembered when Upright Citizens Brigade, when I first saw them in New York, we were so lucky because on our late night show, we basically had the entire cast and, you know, everybody who was involved in the original Upright Citizens Brigade, that was our group of players on the show. Yeah, yeah. And I look back at it now and I think, well, that was just insane good luck that we can just, we need someone to play Andy Rector's sister who's obsessed with me. Amy Poehler will do it, she'll take a script that's a B or a B plus and make it an A plus

plus every single time through sheer force of will and talent. And it was such a joy. And then one day Amy said, hey, come on down and do, be a guest on the ASCAT show for Upright Citizens Brigade. And I said, well, sure, I'd be happy to do that. And then I remember, I'd been on, you know, a TV host for a long time at that point. The terror came back to me of you're completely naked. Yeah.

That was my first mistake. No one wanted to see me naked. I was actually naked. No, that's it. That was my idea. I thought you meant figuratively. No, no, that's what they meant was you'll be naked on stage. And so I removed all my clothing and apparently not a good body.

I'm told. No, no. A good body, I guess. You don't have... No, I got up there and you have to go out and take suggestions from the crowd and then tell a story. It worked and I was so relieved and I went backstage and the show was over and I thought like I have just driven my motorcycle through the comedy ring of fire, you know.

And I'll never forget Amy Poehler said, yeah, and I think the second show will be even better. And I had no idea that they did two shows. And I thought she was kidding. And I went, yeah, can you imagine if there was a second show and she said, dude, there's a second show. And I was, I was like, no, there's no way I can do that again. And she said, well, you're doing it again and there were two shows. Yeah.

So for the second one, I took my clothes off. Okay. Got it. You always want to end on a nude comedy. Yeah. No, it is scary, especially once people know who you... I remember doing it once or twice after getting on SNL and I was so scared and I was, what am I doing?

Like, I don't know how to do this anymore and like, I don't know, my stories suck. Well, also because the stakes have been raised because now it's, it's Vanessa. Yeah. You know, if you're on SNL and you've got all these hit characters and you feel that the bar is higher, whether the audience feels that or not, that's how you feel like, oh, now I've got it. Whatever I did before when I was anonymous has to be, it has to be five times better now.

Yeah. Yeah. Scary. You had incredible success at SNL. It's interesting and I know you've, this has got to be a powerful theme for you, but I want to just go back to your childhood because it's so defining when you were ill. You were seriously, seriously ill. Yeah.

Yeah. And you'd think that, I believe you had leukemia, a form of leukemia. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And you'd think that that would not fuel comedy. Right. Right.

But even at the time that you were sick as a child, your family tried to find humor in it. Is that right? Yes. We would joke about it all the time and we would particularly joke about all the perks we got from it and we would use it for it. What perks? Well.

Wow. Free chemo. Try and get that at a party. Well, there's that. I know. I'm sorry. No, no, no, no. It's just like, it's like whenever you go through a difficult time, people are so nice

to you. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe I'm messed up that I focus on that. But like I, you know, like, like I was in high school and I could like come into school late all the time. Like I just came into school whenever I wanted. We had such a strict attendance woman.

And a lot of times it was because, you know, I wanted to sleep in, especially like when I, you know, later on in my treatment when things were like, you know, I was starting to feel better and stuff. I just could like come in whenever I wanted. I didn't have to do gym class. Oh my God. That's it. That's a reaction.

No, no, no, no, no. That's good. That one hit me. Trust me. You were talking to three people who are very happy to miss Jim. Yeah. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. I mean, what is more humiliating in high school than gym class? You have to change into the outfit and it's so. And they want you to climb up a rope and your arms don't work. This is what I remember. Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't climb up that rope.

Yeah. I just was like, I don't want to start doing this. And they were like, okay, um, what else? I, yeah, you know, one, I just like, I didn't have to, someone asked me to homecoming and I said, well, I have, sorry, I have chemo that weekend. Oh. Was this someone you didn't want to go with? It was someone I didn't want to go with.

And then I actually ended up going with someone else. But I said, look, I said they, I said they, I said they changed, I said they changed the weekend of my chemo. I'm going to, I'm still not going with you. It doesn't make you a good person. Even cancer doesn't make you a good person. If we can get one moral out of today's episode, then yeah, yeah, wait, so there's no upside to cancer than this is what I'm hearing?

No, it sounds like. Yeah. Look, but in, but I, I mean, I, I like to think I mostly didn't use it for stuff like that, but either way. I also always really liked attention and it's a great way to get it. It's like, it's like when you're a kid and you see like someone come on the bus and they have a broken leg and you're like, well, must be nice to be them, you know, like everyone's going to sign their cast now.

Okay. I have, I can exactly, I can exactly relate to what you're talking about because when I was, when I was in the, was I was in the fourth grade, remember it was right near my brother's birthday, I went to school and we had gym class and that day was wrestling and as a joke, someone came running up and jumped on me and I fell backwards and put my arm back and it bent the wrong way and I really broke my elbow badly. They were like, well, you're going to the nurse and they go to the nurse and my arm won't work and I know something's wrong and they call my mom and my mom comes rushing

to school. I'm like, my mom is coming to school. She loves me. She loves me. And they, I can remember the nurse on the phone saying, it's Conan. No, he's, no, no, no, that's Neil, you're thinking of, no, no, no, it's not Justin. No, Kate is a girl. No, it's not, no, it's not Jane either.

No, it's okay. And she was like, God, it got it. But she came, they take me to the hospital. They gave me a drug that made me super high. I remember like, I don't know what this is, but this is, I suddenly have no inhibitions. And then they put me in a big cast. My mom took me home, they put me like on a couch and like the center of the house. And I remembered all my brothers and sisters coming home and coming up to me to see how

I was and everybody talking about me. And I was told, you don't have to go to school. It's almost Christmas vacation anyway. So you're going to have multiple weeks off from school. And then I remembered my mom because it was before Christmas, she went and got one of the toys that quote, Santa was going to give me and gave it to me ahead of time. And I was sitting there thinking, this is fucking awesome. And then walking around with a big cast and a girl I had a crush on being like, are you

okay? And I'm like, well, I don't know, I may lose the arm. You know, obviously that was like, I feel like sort of focusing on that stuff helped me get through that time, but we really had fun with it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, so you do that. I think for a while you thought, well, I'm going to study biology.

Yes. Was that because you had been ill? Well, kind of. I mean, I didn't really necessarily want to be a doctor, but I really liked biology in high school. And then I, and so I went into college thinking, I'll be a bio major, but then I took this really hard biology class and it was all to like weed out the pre-meds, like they wanted to like get rid of any pre-meds.

To weed out the improvisers. Yeah. That's probably more like it. That's what they're doing. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I immediately was like, okay, I'll be a communications major. It's, and that's one of, you know, I've met so many people.

I mean, honestly, one of the best writers I've ever met is Robert Smigel, brilliant writer who I met at Saturday Night Live when I was working there. And he had been pre-med to be a, to go into dentistry. Wow. Wow. And when he graduated, like, I think Cornell had said to his dad, can I just do like just a couple of months of improv before I become a dentist? And his father was like, all right, but as long as you've become a dentist.

But I mean, it's amazing how many people jump ship. Yeah. It was like, you had to do sort of like a serious college major and to like get ready for a career. And for me, I started doing a sketch group in college. So, you know, when I interned for you, I was part of Bloomer's all-female sketch comedy and musical parody troupe. I remember you telling me that on the elevator once.

And I said, you will never be a success. Remember? Yeah. I said, I have to tell you right now, I know talent and you will never, ever make it. Remember that, that day? Why would you bring that up? And you started, you started crying and I said, no, no, no, I'm just being honest. I know it.

Great certainty. I've told Krasinski. I've told. Cheney. Take it from me. None of you will ever make it. I know this for a fact, but I haven't heard you talk about it that you, it's my ultimate nightmare.

Oh, God. You did, you, when you were in second city, you did improv on a cruise ship. Yes. Yeah. Okay. I have to hear about that because people should know who are listening. There's nothing more perilous than being the comedian or the quote funny person on a cruise ship.

Yeah. Because if it doesn't go well, there's nowhere to go and hide. Right. Right. And Mike Sweeney, my head writer for years and years and years and years said he did stand up on a cruise once and he did his, his set and it didn't go well and he stayed in his cab at the rest of the time because you're, you know, you're trapped with the audience that didn't enjoy your show.

Yeah. Yeah. And he once told me a story about a comedian who did so badly on a cruise ship. He wasn't there for this, but it's kind of a story in the comedy. It was a stand up. He did so badly in the crowd cut that people got so mad that they hella backed him off the. What?

Oh my God. My helicopter came and took him away because he had like insulted the crowd and people were really mad and looking for him and they're like, we just got to get him out of here. Oh wow. I just love the cut from a guy entering a crowd to a helicopter. That's my time. And I, yeah, that's my, and I never picture him in the helicopter. I always picture him holding onto a cable and being like, that's my time.

Be good to your waitress. So tell me about that. I'm just curious. Well, we, I think that in the history of Second City's collaboration with Norwegian cruise lines, I got, I got the best. I was like on the best run basically we had, we did these one week cruises and we didn't perform and they left on Sunday and we didn't perform until Thursday night. So for like most of the week, nobody knew who we were and we were just going to the

islands, eating the food, which was not great, but, but it was free and just sort of like hanging out. And then Thursday night, we would do this sketch show that we used to do. They had us do two the first week, like two in a row, two of these like, I don't know, hour long shows. And then they decided that we'd get a better audience if we only did one. So they cut our, so that sort of cut our work that night in half. The audience didn't love the show, but it was like, it was a mix of like improv and sketches.

And I remember I had this one sketch that I thought where I got to, I think I played Emily Bronte and I was like doing this like monologue and the audience, you know, it wasn't for them. So that. Emily was not their favorite Bronte sister. Yeah, yeah. They were. Big Charlotte.

Yeah. They were like, what about Charlotte? I'm doing this for this really broad audience. I'm doing this like really specific thing and I'm trying to get them, it's like, and they were just like, what the fuck, I'm not interested. So then I ended, so my, so I just did like an improv game. We did like, it was, it was like the audience was sort of watching it kind of like, I think they enjoyed some of it, but they mostly were sort of puzzled and kind of like, well, this

is different, you know, like, because the other shows that would happen on the other nights were this big dancing, like sort of like Broadway style group that would dance and sing and put on these huge productions with these huge costumes and sets. And we had like four chairs and we would just be like, hello, we are from second city Chicago and people were like, I don't, okay. Yeah. Where's the, were they costumes? Where's the music?

Yeah. Yeah. Where's the people kicking in unison? Yeah. Yeah. And then you're like, and I'm going to play a Bronte. Oh, good. I hope it's my favorite Bronte.

All right. Charlotte Bronte. Uh-oh. We've got on the wrong cruise. So yeah, we would just, we'd do that and then the next night we'd do an improv show that was, you know, and then the next night we'd do another improv show and that was it. You know, one of the things that always impressed me about you is it always occurred to me, you're very prolific.

You got, you got on SNL and you, your, your characters are unlike each other, you know, that you were able to come up with these varied characters and I didn't see the connection between them. I thought that was really impressive. Do you know what I mean? That's so nice. What's true. Uh, you know, I, I, the bar mitzvah boy and then the, the, the, the woman doing the, the

weather, what is it? Don Lazarus. Right. Um, I don't see, you were coming up with people who I thought just existed so far apart from each other, which I thought was very impressive, you know, that's so nice. I was really lucky because they really let me try a lot of that stuff and sometimes it worked and you know, was Jacob your favorite character? Yes, I think so.

I don't know about you guys, but there's the sweetness of it. Yeah. It's, it's so sweet. Um, and the comedy is really good and I've been to many a bar mitzvah, many a bot mitzvah. I'm going to a bot mitzvah this weekend. You know, it always fascinated me as a, coming from such a strong Catholic family as a kid. Right. When I went to a bar mitzvah and I went to a lot of them, I was, I was trying to figure

out why am I so comfortable with this religion and it just felt somehow less judgmental to me. I don't know if that makes any sense. Yeah, it does. I mean, because it's like, I think I had bar bot mitzvahs every weekend in seventh grade that I would go to. It was just expected, you know, you were just asking these 13 year olds to be in this really formal setting and especially for the boys who were like so much less, further less far

along in their development than the girls. They just didn't know how to do it and it was sort of like accepted, but they don't know where to put their hands. They don't know how to like, like there's nothing about them has been, they've figured out nothing. No, they're not. It's the day that they're becoming a man, but it's so clear that no, no, no, that's, that's not for years.

I mean, first of all, I didn't become a man. I don't think till I was like 36. So the idea that if someone had said today, Conan, you're 13, it's the day you're a man. Everyone would have just lost it laughing. Yeah. And that's, so it's like there, it just was so funny. And I don't think I realized at the time how funny it was, but I think I really was observing like these boys just being fully out of their element.

And then people who have, who've seen me do the bar mitzvah boy, who know my brother, like even who didn't know my brother as a kid or like you're doing an impression of Jonah, like you're doing. So apparently he's still like that, but, but just like there's just like a real universal scene. Does he still wear a yarmulke with like the Yankees logo on it? He, you know, he, um, that was something we added in, but you know, but I, but I also loved the, um, in, in the Catholic church, when we had like a confirmation or anything,

there was no room to be funny. You know what I mean? It was so serious. There's communion, confirmation, it was so deadly serious and there's incense and Christ died for you. So shut up. And what I always really stunned me in, in, in a good way, uh, about, um, when I would, when I would see a go to a bar mitzvah or a bot mitzvah is the joking around.

That's so funny because that was always really fun. Like we would always think like Jacob's dad probably helped him write a joke to deliver like, you know, and the joke can't be that good, but to them it's pretty. It's like, and, and that, that is such a true thing Conan, like, of like, you know, when you hear like a rabbi tell a joke, you're like, okay, this is the best rabbi in the world. Like it's just so fun to like be in that kind of like serious setting, but everyone's just like, I gotta, I gotta think of a good joke for all in situations where somebody gets

up and they're like a corporate CEO or their job is delivering serious news and then they make a little joke and everyone's like, oh my God, yeah, yeah, so much funnier than anything a comedian has ever said and you're sitting there thinking, not really. Yeah. That's why as a comedian, you should consider giving a sermon. I know. I think I'm in the wrong business. I would be so much, I would be so much funnier if I was known as like a spot welder, you

know, now the spot welder is going to make a joke and suddenly people would really appreciate me, but I think that's, that's something that, that I have noticed is that if the rabbi makes a joke, everyone's so delighted and the rabbi knows it too. Oh, yeah. The rabbi knows all I have to do is, is just wiggle my little finger and I'm getting a big laugh. Oh yeah. Yeah.

And then they can kind of, it's going to be hard for me to explain this, but they'll make the joke and then they'll like kind of enjoy it. And then they'll go back to like, you know, when they go back to being serious, not doing a good job of it. No, no, no. And then they'll go like right back into like, but let's think, okay, you know, who are. No, let's be serious, but let's be serious here. What sacred right are we entering today?

What does it mean? And so suddenly they have total power over, I can make you laugh and then I can immediately yank the leash and say, you understand and especially in Catholicism, you know, you can, whatever, for priest does make a joke. He can immediately say, he died for you and you laugh, you're going to hell. Thinking about it is really funny of going like, and that's the lesson we all get. Is it as good as a bowl of pasta? You know, the other thing that you did, you did this run of these commercials that just

kept deteriorating. Is it tortone? What was it for? Totino's. Yeah. Pizza rolls. Oh my God. And what I always loved about that is, I think if one of the great advances that SNL

made from when I was there, as I think the prerecorded pieces got more and more sophisticated, the fact that, you know, you're the mom who's just coming in saying, it's the treat that everybody wants and I've just made it in the microwave, you know, it's the tortone's time, whatever. And here it is. And then that it just got darker and darker and darker and took all these insane turns. Yeah. Yeah.

We got really lucky with those. I mean, I wanted to, the first year, I wanted to do something about like Super Bowl commercials and how there's always like a woman who's like feeding, you know, the hungry guys. Fine guys are going, yeah. And then the woman comes in with some treat. Exactly. Exactly. And Chris Kelly and Sarah Schneider worked on it with me.

We like all worked on it together. And then they kept, like every year they'd be like, we should do another one. Like we should do another Totino's. And they just every year got darker and darker and darker somehow. But I also was really lucky when I was at SNL because I think, I don't know if it's because when I was in Chicago, I auditioned for commercials so much because commercials were so big in Chicago. Right.

Like it was like the only way you could sort of get paid to be on TV in Chicago, that I was just really lucky. I got to do so many commercials. And I loved always playing that woman who is like, you know, like in the last one she gets asked her name and she doesn't have one, like she's like a lady who's kind of like there to serve. Well, I love the reveal at one point. It gets so dark that, and I think this was Larry David, but everybody's like, all the

guys are always going like, yeah, yeah, on the screen. And then you walk around and there's nothing on the screen. Yeah. And we see that you're, I mean, it was very Twilight Zone, but there's a whole different kind of tone. I just love that the show opened itself up to all these different textures. Yeah. It was so fun doing those.

And I appreciate it. I mean, it's like the longer I was there, they kind of let me do stuff that was sort of weird. Like, you know, it's, it's hard to kind of get that stuff on, but then they like slowly like, I don't know, it was really fun. I think that show's doing something right and will probably last, you said on year 78. I want to talk about your show. I love that for you, which I really like a lot.

And it is, and I want to tell people, encourage people to watch this show because it's personal. It does feel like it's coming from your personal story because your character was ill as a child. Yes. A big part of the show is when you're a child and you're ill, you fall in love with home shopping shows. Is that, is that true to you? Yes.

I mean, when I was, even before I was sick is when I watched the most home shopping. I mean, when I was... So maybe they made you sick. So maybe they... I'm just saying, there could be a link. Come on. I'd like to get that out there. I hope that's the headline.

If you see jewelry, if you see cheap jewelry from too many angles in close-up, maybe it weakens the immune system. It's possible. Well, well, look. No, your character, that is borrowed from your child. Yes. I loved home shopping when I was little and I would tape it. Everything about it seems so glamorous to me.

I love the way that the women would, the hosts would tell the stories about the products and they'd be like, you can wear this to a brunch with friends. You can wear this to your goddaughter's christening or whatever and I'd be like, I don't have a goddaughter at this, it's like she'll have a christening someday and it's like, I just was like, the idea of being a woman who had all these things to wear this jewelry to or whatever it was, was so fun for me to like, you know, and I just, I loved it. I loved how they touched all the products and how they just sort of like, it was so mesmerizing and I think that's a lot of people like, in the same way people keep like sports

on all the time on their TV. I think a lot of people do that with home shopping because it's so soothing and so kind of, it's such a kind of escape in a lot of ways and so I just like loved it as a kid and it wasn't like I was necessarily escaping anything, but I just loved watching it. It was like, so it is in retrospect sort of odd that like other kids were probably watching like cartoons. So they're all, they're all talking about save by the bell or a cartoon and you were saying, oh my God, that cubic zirconian necklace, 1999.

Yeah, I'm like, this is such a steal and it's so versatile and I can wear it, you know, I can wear it in the cafeteria and then I can wear it after school when I'm going. Right, and your goddaughter, I will give this to my goddaughter one day and then she'll take it to a jeweler and he'll say, this is shit. This is also something that I would always, when we were writing, I, I would be like, some of the writers who are like less familiar with home shopping would be like, yeah, like the, we had such incredible writers, but like, they'd be like, yeah, like this, like the, like let's talk about like they selling this shitty necklace or something and I'd always

be like, I just got to tell you the stuff they sell is actually really nice. Well, that's okay. But Vanessa, you bring up a really good point, which is one of the, one of the things I really like about the show and, and by the way, your cast is great and you have Molly Shannon. Isn't that incredible? One of my favorite people of all time, she's so good in your show. But the point that I wanted to make was that I like that your characters enthusiasm for home shopping and the home shopping network and home shopping shows is genuine and real.

And as long as you play it that way, you actually start to agree. Like that was my experience watching it is you're not winking and making fun of this. Right. But if you both play that reality as the viewer, I have respect for it. Yeah. That's so nice. But I mean, I think if you had been snarky about it, yeah, it wouldn't work. I think that's was something that's, I really appreciate that.

That's something we really, from like day one, my co-creator Jeremy Biler and I were like, we can't make fun of it because it's, first of all, I really do love it. Like I think it's, you know, incredible, but it's also, it's just like, it's just kind of what assholes we would be if we were just like up there kind of being like, you know, like, look at this dumb, you know, like, we really wanted to have respect for the world. And it is like an incredible, it's like this huge business of live TV. It's like this whole world and I guess now I'm just rambling. But yes, thank you.

Did you see the rambling light go off? Yeah, it's just right there. That's right. It's right. I shouldn't have that behind me staring at you. Well, look. I just hit this button. Rambling.

Rambling. Rambling. I'm just constantly pounding it. Rambling. Rambling. Rambling. No. I think that you've made like a really nice world with this show and I can tell this was,

it comes from your personal story to a degree and then you've found all this great stuff with it. Yeah. It's really nice. It's been really fun because the whole world of home shopping is so, it's such a great world to have comedy in because it's like these hosts have to talk for such a long time, you know, and they inevitably start talking about their lives and stuff because it's like that's, you know, and that also makes it relatable and the product's relatable and makes people

think like the hosts are their friends, you know, and stuff. So it's like, it's such a fun world to like, you know, you know, just, just play around and people pass around like bloopers from home shopping and stuff and that's like a big thing. But I think just the regular home shopping is so entertaining because it's just hearing these hosts talk about their lives and, you know, tell these stories about the products and stuff. It's like so mesmerizing.

It's so fun to watch. And so you still watch today? You still watch? Yeah. I mean, especially, I got more into it when we were, I kind of got back into it when we were watching, when we were writing the show. Do you have a working knowledge of their bios now? Have you pieced everything together where it just feels like you know kind of personally?

There's two hosts that I used to watch as a kid, Jane Tracy and Mary Beth Rowe and... I wish you would say it with me. And Jeremy and I took a tour of QVC when we first started working on the, on this show and we got to meet them. Like we got to spend an hour talking to them. It felt like it was like 10 minutes because they still work there. They're still like the most like kind of iconic hosts there. And they are like, they're just incredible to talk to, you know?

It's just like, so yeah, so getting to meet them, even like after seven years on SNL, where I got to meet like a different, you know, celebrity host and musical guest every week, I was like, okay, this is, you know, this is the big time. I was like, so smart throughout. I've worked with the biggest stars in, in film and music. But now we're getting serious. How many of you made? I love that for you.

We've made eight. There will be eight in this season. And when I say we've made eight, does that mean, you know, eight are done? You know, like, where is the editing? You need, you need to not lie to me. Are they done completely post-production, edited, sound? Everything's been balanced. That's what you need to know.

Okay. Well, no, listen, then you didn't make eight. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Contrajournalism. Geez. Well, we've exposed you, Vanessa, for the fraud that you are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You made eight. Yeah. But are they done? Is the sound mixing really done? Yeah. Well, I'm going into sound mix today. So I guess the same's are as well.

Well, I, I really like the show so much. And I hope you keep making more and more of them. Thank you so much. It's, it's terrific. I love that for you is really good. How do people watch it? So, okay, you can stream it wherever you stream showtime starting on Fridays, like any, any old Friday.

It's out now. But if there's some Fridays where it's forbidden to stream. So the episodes are on showtime. Are there some Fridays where if you try and stream it, you'll be arrested? You can. Yes. Yeah. Okay.

Don't do it on that Friday. But so they, the new episodes come out every Friday and showtime where every stream showtime, but then they also come out on actual showtime channel. Yeah. Is that what we call it? On Sunday night at eight. You're asking me? I'm 95 years old.

And I think by the time you hear this, most of them will be out. Yeah. Yeah. So just go ahead and stream it. They'll be out. But I'm, please watch this show. I love that for you because it's so well done and you always make me laugh. And then sometimes people, especially, you know, after an experience like SNL, they can

have a hard time figuring out how do I channel myself in this next project? And you found it, which is so great. Thanks so much. Yeah. Well, I couldn't have done it without my internship, let's all be honest. Well, thank you that we brought it back to, again, all comedy does come from me, eventually. Oh boy. And has, because I travel through time.

So I gave Steve Martin his start and Charlie Champlin his start. I'm dangerously mentally ill. Yeah. I think we've established that. I think the defined comedy comes first. My favorite thing, I've said this before and I'll say it again, my favorite thing about this podcast forum that I love, I get to sit with you and really have the conversation I've wanted to have.

So this is really nice. That's so nice. This is what my people call a mitzvah for me. Yes. Thank you. That's what I don't know. I don't know what that means. It's an old Irish term.

All right. It's an old Irish term. Okay. It means a really good potato. Okay. Oh, love that. Like a really good large potato. Yes.

But Vanessa, thank you so much for being here. Thank you. This has been a big treat for us. This has been so fun. Thank you so much. Cool. Thank you. Thank you.

All right. I'm going to let our listeners in behind the scenes here for just a moment. We've just experienced real technical difficulties. We were supposed to be joined by Matt Gorley, who has a babysitter emergency. This is the babysitter that looks after him, apparently. Matt is child. And Matt couldn't be on the Zoom. He was going to be on a Zoom, but there's a technical difficulty.

During this technical difficulty, while we're waiting for Matt, we're sitting here and we're waiting and you take a phone call from your mom. Yes. And suddenly, I'm no longer in the United States. Okay. No. Now, listen, you know how tolerant I am of other cultures and how much I love the Armenian people.

Do I? Oh, okay. But listen. When I started talking in Armenian, could you give us just a sample of the kinds of things you were saying? Because I was sitting here. I'm very proud of my people died to come to this country. You know?

Okay. It was an arduous journey and they fought hard to carve out a spot here in the United States. Right. Okay. And so I thought I was here in the U.S. when suddenly I was transported to Armenia. Well, the United States is a big melting pot. There are a lot of immigrants here who speak different languages.

And I love that about this country. Yes. I really do. But you do sometimes say, what is that mish-mish? No, no, no. That's insensitive. I would never say that. Yeah.

Okay. But tell me what you were saying because it's fascinating to me. I'm sitting here and I know you as Sona and suddenly will tell us what you were saying. So my mom called and we are, you know, feeding the boys now is like a process because they're eating more solids and, you know, not as much milk. And so my mom doesn't fully know yet how to do that and handle it. And she called me and she was just like, inch in them, Sona, you know, inch down here. Your mom, like, mama, the bar gets off and, you know, is, you know, what are you saying

here? What is, what is she like? I don't know what to do right now. I'm like, did he sleep and, you know, a guy to commit, you know, did he drink milk? Like, but I think that when my, my mom calls and I start speaking to her in Armenian, you do this. You always do this bit where you're like, what was that? What was that?

Well, it's very, it's very arresting. It's very shocking. I'm just not used to it. Yeah. Now we're here in our new podcast studios and I own this building and I own this podcast studio. Okay. And I think of this, tell me if I'm wrong, as sovereign U.S. soil, you know, okay.

And am I allowed to forbid you from speaking a foreign language in this building? No, you're absolutely, that's 100, 100% not okay to say that someone can't speak a foreign language. I feel, this is like, you know, the way an embassy is sacred soil. You can speak different languages and embassies. There's nowhere where this is okay, that you're talking. I feel like this is, all I've ever wanted is my own clubhouse. And now I finally, you know, we've always, you know, I was working at 30 Rock for years

and then I'm working at Warner Brothers. I'm always there at someone else's behest. Now finally, Willy Wonka, I'm being Willy Wonka, I have my own chocolate factory. This is, I'm Pee Wee and this is my playhouse. And so I do feel like I'm allowed to act like an insane emperor and say things like, what? What are you speaking? No more of that.

Only English. Are you upset that you can't understand it and that you wish you could speak another language and be cool like me? Like does, I feel like you're just a little jealous. I don't think I'm jealous. You're jealous. I don't think so. I think you're jealous.

I think you're jealous cause I can speak another language and I like switch on and off. It's really shocking. I remember the first time almost 11, 12 years ago when I heard you talking to your mom outside my door. I had no idea that you spoke this, this foreign tongue, but listen, let's do a thing where I speak to you in English and you answer me in Armenian. Okay. I want people to understand.

Okay. How are you today, Sona? I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Okay.

I wish to sort of sabotage the United States of America. Will you help me in my evil scheme? Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. Bad USA. Yes.

Yes. We must bring down the bad United States. Yeah. We must work within the United States to bring it down as secret spies. Don't you agree, Sona? Don't you agree? Stop laughing, spy. We're here to destroy America from within.

No, no, no. I agree. I agree. Yeah. I agree. Yeah. What's attack when they're least expected? Yeah.

Yes. In the night. In the night. What is the plan here? I don't know. You're saying the things that you... I love that you're probably saying things like they like boiled pork. No.

And also... I'm saying really mean things about you specifically. Are you really? Yeah. I'm saying I hate working here. Your skin is super white. I've never seen someone skin so white before. Oh, okay.

And then you just kept talking about taking down America. I don't understand what the plan was. We're going to attack in the night when they expect at least. We're going to attack who? Who are we attacking? I'm not sure. I didn't have my plan all worked out, but you answer... And you're speaking in English, so people know what you're saying.

Which that Armenian is closest to? Was it close to Russian? No. It's not. What is it close to? Well, you know, attack speaks Russian because he grew up in the Soviet Union. Right. And you know, there's Armenians from Lebanon who speak Arabic, and there's Armenians from

Iran who speak Arabic, and my parents are from Istanbul, so they speak Turkish too. This is cool. I love how multicultural you are, and I love that you're bringing this perspective to the podcast. What I'm going to say to you is, in my building, English only! Only English! Why are you saying it with an accent? I don't know.

I say English only! I still believe that if you speak English with an accent, other people can understand you, who don't speak English. I say English only! Why? That doesn't make any sense. My building, English only! I have no idea what I'm...

This is insane. Well, because I know that it upsets you to speak a different language, I'm only ever going to speak in Armenian from now on. Okay, so let's wrap up this segment. You and your tongue, and me and mine, okay? Okay. Okay. Oh gosh, in big order.

Thank you, Sona. Thanks for stopping by the podcast. It was nice having you here today. And how are you, Sona? Anything to say to the fans before we slip over the rainbow and say good night? Yeah. Tuner talk with them. Ah, see, people from different cultures can get along.

Yeah. Tuner talk with them. Oh, no, I like America. No, I won't attack it. What is this bit? I don't know. I don't understand what the bit is. I like trying to make it sound like you're up to something bad.

Why? Because it's just amusing you. But you're saying the English part, and you're saying the whole plan in English, and so I don't understand what the thing is. What's the bit? Planning a thing, but your part is in English, and you're saying what the plan is in English? What's happening? I love what's the bit.

What's the bit here? What's the bit? Why don't you trust me? I'm the bit captain. I've been in the bit business for a long time. Just trust me. No, this bit doesn't make sense. Don't say bit captain in the bit business.

All right, we're out. This is stupid. We're out. This was a wasted segment. Good night to all of you. It was a wasted segment. Say good night, Sona, and your own special tongue. You're the only one to know.

Mhmm. But yeah, I'm all for it. Pretty much. Let's go. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonu Mufsesian, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by Adam Saks, Joanna Salaterov, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson,

and Cody Fisher at Yearwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vavino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our rising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering by Will Bekton, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read

on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode, and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.