Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Vir Das

Episode Date: January 30, 2023

Comedian Vir Das feels unique about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Vir sits down with Conan to discuss faking appendicitis as a child, the first laugh he ever got on stage, the controversy over his “Two Indias” monologue, and his new special Vir Das: Landing. Later, Sona and David Hopping recount their adventures visiting every single Friends filming location.

Hello, my name is Veer Das and I feel unique about being Conan O'Brien's friend because I'm pretty sure I'm the shortest friend he has globally. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a friend. We have a terrific program for you. I'm gonna say today. What? I'm gonna try again. Why are you trying to? You were fine. No, I don't like it. What was wrong with it? It just didn't feel like me. Let's try it again. Hey there, Conan O'Brien needs a friend coming at you. Coming at you. Fast and furious. What do you think of that one? I don't think it's coming at people at all in any way. You know what? You're right. I've never come at anyone. No, you haven't. That's why it's great. And you said come and atcha and it's just weird. Yeah. Look,

if you're listening to this, you know you're listening to Conan O'Brien needs a friend. Well, yeah, they clicked on it. Exactly. So those are just my old broadcaster habits kicking in. Right. Greet the audience. But it's stupid. There's no audience. It's yeah, it needs to go. Well, there is an audience. Massive, massive. Oh, I thought you meant like in person. Right now, there's three. There's three of us. Yeah, there's three people here. Things are a little different today. First of all, I couldn't get through the opening. Second, Mr. Gorley is not joining us today. I know. Yeah. He's got other matters he needs to attend to. But that's maybe good news because it means we get to spend a little time with my assistant's assistant, David Hopping. Hi, David.

Hi. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Very good. You, of course, picking up the slack for Sona, who's now an author, podcaster, mother of two twins. And so there's some things she can't get to and you dash into the breach and take care of it. I think we're a good team. Yeah. She had to help drive a prescription to you when I was out of town. I did a thing. I did something. You did. You got me a prescription. Yeah. And now everyone knows I'm addicted to drugs. Thanks a lot, David. Everybody assumed it. Also, you made me sound a lot busier than I am. It's not that I'm so busy. It's just that I kind of don't want to do it anymore. Yeah. And I think that David is just really, he's still got that youthful vigor in him. Yeah. You know, you have to. But you

still insist on the same amount of money, if not more. The exact same. Yeah. And I'd like to read. Well, David, you're a very young fellow. Thank you. You know, Sona's getting on in years. Wow. No. No, no, no. And I meant that in the nicest way. You did. Yeah. You're aging rapidly. No, you look amazing. But of course, I'm ancient. Yeah. You are how old? 30. Okay. You're a young man. Thank you. You're plugged into what's happening. And just before we started recording, you got some exciting news that totally mystified everyone in the room. What is it? Everyone. No, I was just looking. You were like, what are you looking at on your phone? And I said, Jamie Lynn Spears just announced a Zoey 101 reboot. Okay. What's the Jamie Lynn Spears?

Brittany Spears sister. Okay. And what a reboot of what? That's the Nickelodeon show she was on. Zoey 101. I've never heard of it before. You really missed out. Did I? You had a younger daughter. Like, didn't she was not it? She didn't watch Zoey 101. Zoey 101. Yeah. No. She never watched Zoey 101. About these kids who like went to a school. No, I don't think my daughter ever watched Zoey 101. Okay. My daughter was a big Hannah Montana fan. My daughter is now 19. And I remember when we told her, we were moving out to Los Angeles, lived in New York, and we're doing the late night show. We were going to move to LA. She burst out crying. She said, I don't want to go. I don't

want to go. I want to stay here in New York. And we were like, well, we kind of have to go. And then thinking on my feet, I said, guess who lives in LA? Hannah Montana. And my daughter said, hmm, okay. And I did lie. I did make it seem like we were going to see Hannah Montana all the time. Did you ever, did she ever see her? I did actually go to a store. I was in the store. And someone approached me. This is after I'd been in LA for about nine months or a year. And Miley Cyrus comes up to me and she says, oh, hi. You know, I follow you on Twitter. And I said, oh, hi. It's when I see, and then I thanked her. I said, you're the reason we were able to get our daughter to Los Angeles. And I told her the story. And she said, well, I'm glad I could do you that,

that solid. Because it was her and her alone. Yeah. Not you or your career. Didn't give a shit about any of that. Yeah. But so, so she knew about Hannah Montana, Zoe 101, that they're going to reboot it. Now, Jimmy Lynn Spears, I'm guessing now she's about 55. She can't be in the Zoe 101 reboot unless she plays an old Korean war vet. How does that going to work? I don't know. That's all I know. She posted Paramount Plus, I guess. But you don't know new things. We know we have already established this. Like, do you know the name Taylor Swift's new album? Oh, I do. Okay. Red. No, that was like four or five albums ago. Show me what you got. That's never been one. I think if you keep trying, you're going to get there. Moon glow. We're getting closer. Making it with what

you got. Station 54. Somebody give him a hand. Hold it. I think I got it. Moon Dragon, the next chapter. The next chapter. Yeah. So there was already, she released an album called Moon Dragon. And this is the next chapter. This is the next chapter. And I know this. I know Taylor is recutting all of her music. Yeah. So this is all, this is the stuff that you saw on Babylon 7000. This is all been redone for Moon Dragon, the next chapter. Plus three new tracks. Gotta be here. Oh. Go in the distance and Shaznat. The Gabba Ghoul story. So don't get in my grill about not knowing about Taylor. You know so much about Taylor Swift. We were a Swifty. Yeah. I think that you, your era is the 90s. Is that right? Yeah. I was born in 92. Okay. And so you are, I know

you're obsessed with pop culture from the 90s and 2000s. Is that right? Yeah, sure I am. So I must have been a huge impact on you. Oh yeah. Three, four, five, six. Well, I was one when you started your show. Yeah. I know. But a lot of one year olds were tuning in to see what was. They were just sitting in front of the TV. When you got a job with me, you didn't care about me at all. I cared about you. No, you didn't. The way you said that. If you would have had a chance. I cared a lot. Your voice got high. If you had had a chance. I cared about you. If I cared about you. Hey, if it had been a choice between interning for me or for Britney Spears. Britney Spears. You would have. I know you would have. I know you would have. Yeah. That's okay. Yeah. I know it's not okay. It's

important that we're honest. It's not okay. But you totally would have sold me out to go work for Britney Spears. Yeah. Do you have a contact now? Can you get him a job? Can you give me a job? Is she looking for an assistant? I don't know. But no, yeah, I would have gone to Britney over. Yeah, I know you said that. You don't have to hit. Just to reiterate. Yeah. Britney Spears over Conan O'Brien. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. The choice. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And what's your favorite Britney Spears song? You tell me and I'll tell you. Probably Lucky. Yeah. That's a great one. How's it go? Yeah. What a lucky. Don't you wish that you knew I'm gonna come back because I like this beef to chew. I saw you and you saw me together. We're gonna raise some bumblebees and make honey. You didn't even say

lucky. I want to die right now. If I could take my own life, all I have is this pen that won't do the trick. I will do it right now. I'm excited about our show because first of all, I just named a bunch of songs and albums that Taylor Swift should make. The Gaba Ghoul story is the one I'm excited about. I know that she'd have a great whole seven great songs about cured Italian meat. But we can't keep messing around. We've got a real show to get to. Very excited about our guest. He's an actor and comedian whose fourth Netflix special, Vir Das Landing is out now. Very excited. He's here today. Vir Das, welcome. How tall are you? I'm five foot eight. That's not bad. No, that's a decent height. Is Tom Cruise your shortest domestic friend? Well, we're not really friends. I say we are. Then

his lawyer contacts me and says, stop saying that. No, I don't know how tall is Tom Cruise? He's like five, six or five. But I think he does wear boots. Five, seven is what they list them online. I think he's got little lifts. Yeah. Do you think he would jump out of planes if he was three inches taller? I don't think so. I think you bring up a really good point. I think when you're lower to the ground, you have less fear of gravity. That just makes sense. I am a very personally brave man. You know that, Sona. No. Okay. But because I'm six, four and so far from the ground, I'm terrified of doing my own stunts. That's why it has nothing to do with coordination or your athletic ability. It's because you're tall. Those are factors. I would like to see you go out

and hunt for a stunt double. That would be a great episode of something. Yeah, I should. Someone who is my height and has my weird characteristics and my strange torso to leg ratio, which is way out of balance. Yes. Let's do that. Let's find me a good stunt double. Okay. Are you gonna go the opposite way and get someone who's like super jacked and be like always funny when the stunt double doesn't come close. It's up there comedically with when they cut to a dummy and they've made no attempt to have it match. So someone's running to the window and then a differently dressed dummy is thrown out the window and there's no articulation of the limbs. So arms are bent. It's just a flailing sock filled dummy falling. That always makes me laugh. I won't take his name,

but I know like a Bollywood star who signed a big movie that was set in the ocean, right? And he, I don't think he read the script like legend is he didn't read the script and he signed this big movie and showed up to like workshops before the movie and workshops were like in a sports complex with the pool and there was just diving people there and he's like, what the hell is this? We're gonna give you diving workshops and he's like, I'm afraid of water. I'm not going into the water. And then he looked for the first time at the title of the movie and it was Waterworld. And they're like, so 80% of the movie is set in the water. And so he's like, I will only go into waist deep water and then they pick the skinniest stunt double in the world. So in this movie,

every time he's underwater, he's skinny and he has a fixed back and then he comes up just fat as fuck. Very nice of you not to name names, but I really want to see this now. I had, we were talking just before the show, but I had a project once. It was for American Express and it was a really great idea. I really loved it and it was in Jaipur. And I remember just before I went, you know, when you travel, you get to different shots. And so I went to this specialist who tells you, here's all the things you have to do. He asks you, where in the world are you going? When you tell him, he says, okay, these are the things. I'm going to give you the following shots. And then he said, okay, where you're going, I have one rule for you, which was

stay out of water. Okay. Don't go in water. And I said, you know, why? And he went on to describe, he said, well, there is a parasite and it can swim up your penis into your body and then it will nest there and it will slowly feed on you and you'll die slowly over years. So, so stay out of, stay out of water. And I said, oh, okay, definitely. Well, this is a problem. And he said, why? And I said, because there's a part in the commercial that's a main part of the commercial where I'm waist deep in water and it's kind of important to the commercial. I'm there helping these other women wash these garments. And that's important. And I'm supposed to be in water. And he went, huh, who's a commercial for? And I said, American

Express. And he said, you do what you got to do. So I did. It was fine. Did you get a parasite? You know what? I did, but it only enhanced everything. Oh, yeah. My penis is much larger now. Yeah, I've had no complaints. That's a tagline you never see. American Express. You're impotent, but no credit limit. Yeah. Well, I mean, you have, I mean, so much to talk about because you had such a fascinating upbringing and you, you, you grow up in India, but then you moved to Nigeria at a pretty young age. Yeah. My parents can smell happiness. And the minute I find it, they move me. You know what they were doing? They were like, we want him to be really funny.

So he seems happy right now. Move him and stress him. So privileged household in India. And then get moved to Lagos, Nigeria, where I get my ass warped every week because I'm the kid from India. And I do public school in Lagos, Nigeria. And just as that's going really, really well, I'm like nine years old. Private boarding school in India, where I get my ass warped because I'm the kid from Africa. Oh my God. Then finally find a girlfriend, I think, in private school in India, get taken to public school in New Delhi, which is where you get your ass warped because you're the kid from private school. Then American University, where you're the kid from India,

go back to being Bollywood, where you're the kid from American drama school. And now in LA, where you're the guy from Bollywood. So, you know, I fit in. And I do apologize for attacking you earlier. When you walked in, I started hitting you. I just thought, yeah, because your parents called me and they said he's happy again. It's time. So how miserable were you when you were sent off to private school? I went to public school. So I never had that experience of being sent away at a young age. And I know famously, I mean, there's people that write about it. It always sounds Dickensian to me, like a level of, you know, you're very young and you're sent off to another country often.

And that there's harsh treatment. And I think it just sounds like a nightmare for kids. It is. I was my parents were in Africa and I was seven. So seven and a half when I went to boarding school in India. Oh my God. And, you know, so I was also very dramatic. So I would write them them letters in like red ink and be like, this is in my blood. You've forgotten about me. And then, wow, you know, then, you know, kids would try and run away from boarding school on a weekly basis. And because we're shitty friends, we'd like walk them to the gate of the school and like give them five bucks and be like, good luck, man. Like, I hope you make it. But like my parents were in Africa. And I tried to run away from India to Africa,

like four times from boarding school. Technically hard to do. Wow. So to take off, would you, how far would you get? Like three kilometers. But I feel like boarding school either graduates like generic boarding school people who you can recognize a mile away or like complete misfits. And I'm the second. There was this, I was reading a biography of Churchill who always kind of fascinates me. And when he was very young, his parents, of course, were, you know, no, you know, quasi noble. And they were, his father was a very important person. And they, he was sent away at an absurdly young age. And he always had minders. So he never really saw much of his parents. And his father is a famous politician.

And one day, and he's very bitter about the fact that he's been sent away to this very tough English private school. And then he finds out one day that his father's in that town, giving a speech. His town, his tiny little town where his school is in his dad didn't stop by and visit him. And I was reading the letter and it was like, dear father, I'm hard pressed to think of why you couldn't at least wave at my window. And of course, the father was like, you bugger off. I'm time for this. But that's what it always sounds like to me. I'm prepping you to defeat Hitler. Like that's what you need to defeat Hitler. Yes, we do need someone to stand up to Hitler about 40 years from now. And you're going to be the guy. And the only way to get there is to

to totally treat you poorly right now. It's really sad. I kind of pushed myself out of boarding school in a very disturbing way. So we were an ex British military academy. It's like a 150 year old school. And we had these things called headmasters cards. And you get three or kicked out. And I decided by age 12, like I'm done. And my friend had appendicitis and his appendix had ruptured. And so one day I just went into the nurse's office and I'm like, I have appendicitis. And she's like, okay, where does it hurt? And I said, here where it hurt for my friend. Spent like two days in the hospital, just eating ice cream. And then in the middle of the night, they were like, we're taking you to a different city, you're going to get operated on. Oh, God.

And I was like, okay. And then I'm in an ambulance. And then the next thing I know, I'm on an operation table, right? With two doctors who were like, you sure this shit hurts? And I'm like, yeah, you stuck to it. And, and then my parents were in Africa at this point, right? And so I wake up after anesthesia, like 18 hours later, my mother from Africa is sitting in the hospital in the north of India. And her and two doctors look very pissed off. And they're just like, his appendix was fine. And then the boarding school was just like, I don't think he's happy here. Maybe you should pick him out. So they opened you up. Yeah. Pretty much. You went under anesthesia and they opened you up. They still took out my appendix to be safe. Like just because,

you know, that they were in there. If you're in there, you might as well. But yeah, that's. They also took out a lung. We're here. That lung looks fine. But who knows, maybe one day, let's just take it. So wow. So that got your parents' attention though. Yeah. And then I was sent off to public school, where, you know, it was a better journey. Like I think I was more meant for public school. Okay. So when's the moment? It always fascinates me when you figure out, I'm funny. I have a superpower. I think comedians either come from the coolest kid in school or the most bullied kid in school. They're usually comics, right? Yeah. And the coolest kids, I'd venture to say, have less longevity in comedy than the bullied kid. And I just remember

being the kid who would get his ass beat because he couldn't shut up and then not being able to shut up during the beating. You know what I mean? Like where I'd be like, what is this really accomplishing? Does this make you feel better? And I wouldn't shut up. And then sometimes the guy beating you would crack a smile as well, you know, and you'd be like, yeah, I think this is funny. I think I have to admit, you're pretty funny. Now, where was I in the beating? Yeah. The first time I ended up doing stand up, I was in college and it was like my last year and I'd gone through like four years of drama school. So four years of sitting in a circle and crying and

holding hands and doing things like emoting with your shoulders or whatever the hell they tell you to do in drama school. I noticed you emote exclusively with your shoulders. There's a lot of motion. The basis of Bollywood, my friend. Oh, you're right. Wow. Okay. All right. I ended up writing like as a almost rebellion this show. Remember, there was a movie called White Men Can't Jump? Yes. So I wrote a show called Brown Men Can't Hump in my final year of college. And so the first time I did stand up, it was like 65 minutes for 800 people. Wow. And all friends, you know, so just inside stories and you feel like you're like, I'm the shit. I'm amazing at this. Cut to you at an open mic in Chicago, like three weeks after graduation, getting boot off stage, and you discover, no, I need to be able to make strangers laugh as well.

So yeah. Now, tell me about that transition to Chicago, because that's quite a leap. It is a great city. I love it. And I used to, I had three jobs. I was, I was a dishwasher at the Grand Luxe Cafe on Michigan Avenue. And I was doing open mics at night. And I was a security guard at a tiny school. And it was, I'd venture to say one of the best times in my life, you know, where you're, for some reason, you're broke as hell, but you always have enough money for booze and a pack of cigarettes, you know, at that age. It somehow shows up and you have enough money for that one date that you want to have. And there's kind of nothing to lose. You know, it is a great year of my life. And then my visa expired and I had to go home. You know, did you sell knives for

a while? I sold cut cutlery kitchen knives, which is also the year after 9 11. So a brown guy at your door with knives. Hey, can I interest you? Maybe don't start with the knife out at that point. But you have a, like a demo, right? So they give you leather strips, and then you cut the knife, and then you pile up the strips, and then you cut the pile of strips, and you cut a penny and half. Great knives. And like a, I think it's like a hundred and thirty five dollars set at that time. And you make like 40 bucks commission. I've made zero sales. You made no sales after 9 11. No, John's. Were you doing comedy right after 9 11? I was. I was doing like rooms on the south side of Chicago. And what was that like? I was boot off stage seven weeks in a row at a bar called

Mike's. Is that because, I mean, before they would even listen to you? Yeah. Just like, I mean, a south side room in Chicago is always a tough room, right? And very little patients. So I was just going up like, what's up with cockroaches or whatever. And they were like, fuck off. And then I, we do want to know what's up with coming to Netflix. The secret life of cockroaches. No. And then I think the first joke I wrote was a literation and not very good. But I just remember kind of yelling at people because I was just broke and frustrated. And I was like, you know, you Americans, you don't value Indian people. We teach you in colleges and we drive your taxis and we are

your gynecologists and we sell you food. Without Indians, you'd be starving, stranded, sexless, sterile and stupid. And that was the first laugh I got from like a group of people. So in a way, I mean, when did you start to see, and this presupposes you saw it change, but things soften, you know, in the time after 9 11? I was gone by then, you know, but by the time they soften, as your visa expired, my visa expired, I went home and I wanted to get into, you know, Bollywood. And I got a job at CNBC, which was the craziest thing. Like, I love John Stewart. I was a gigantic fan. Right. And I ended up taking a handy cam.

Sorry. Before that, I went to Mumbai to be a VJ. I don't know if you guys know what a VJ is. We know what a VJ is. So it's just me with like spiky hair and like no sleeves. And then you're there. That's all you need. Spiky hair. And at some point, a producer actually told somebody else that like his arms are too saggy. So we're going to give him fake tattoos to cover up the arms. And I was like, just give me sleeves. This is why I've never, you can't find one picture of me sleepless. It's my first rule. I will have sleep. Right. So now I have henna tattoos that I have to touch up every eight weeks.

And I was fired in like three months. And then I shot a pilot on my friend's kitchen table, which was like a news comedy pilot. And CNBC picked me up. And I got to go on the primetime news at the end of the primetime news bulletin at 9.45 and do three minutes of jokes every day. And I was 26 on a show that the prime minister is watching and that every major businessman is watching and everybody was kind of cool and patient to say, this is clearly a kid and he's clearly very green, but let's give him time. And so I got to do that for like four years before trying to do film. You know, it's interesting. So you knew you were funny and that you had this talent, but acting seems to be something that you were more interested in. At the time. Yeah.

For sure. I, there's a movie called Rang De Basanti, which is a Bollywood ensemble movie. And, you know, Hindi movies, you know, are full of beautiful people just, you know, blessed by God, beautiful and talented and amazing. And I just kind of knew this isn't a space for me. I won't cut it. And then I saw this movie that had this lovely ensemble with like three other guys that looked like me. And, you know, now in India, there's a path for like an Adam's hand look kind of an actor or Ben still look kind of an actor. Then there wasn't. And then I'm like, I finally feel like there's a place for me in the film industry. And then I went to an audition line. It was a bunch of six foot, you know, two guys who looked amazing. So I ended up shooting

a stand up special with my own money and getting a DVD together, just making sure that the DVD looked packaged enough to where it could belong next to, I don't know, Magnolia or something in a DVD library. And it was called Viragra, which because, you know, puns are always fun. And I ended up going to every DVD library in Mumbai where I knew filmmakers rented DVDs from and just giving them 10 free copies. And that made its way to different production houses and like got me audition. So I got to kind of shortcut my way in. I mean, that's incredible gumption. And it really, that is, I think, a word from your culture, gumption. Yeah, it's an ancient Sanskrit word.

But that shows a lot of ingenuity. And that's very impressive that you would do that. And what you were, you saw yourself as, okay, I could do this, I'd like to be in, I'd like to crack this Bollywood film industry. And, you know, it is amazing to me. I don't think, I don't think most people who haven't looked into it can understand how massive those stars are in India. I mean, it's bigger than, you know, we think, oh, celebrities here are revered. Well, the most revered celebrity here is probably, you know, disliked and liked almost in equal measure except a few exceptions. But it's a whole other thing in India. I think in the Indian film industry, once you get to whoever these top 10% are, you know,

just the stars of stars, probably the least famous of them is more famous than a Kardashian, you know, is the way that I would put it. It's an amazing level of respectful adulation and fame at the same time. And it's because to me, it represents beautiful escapism, you know, picture, like in my family, we had Sunday mornings was the only time that the entire family would go out together. And, you know, dad is tired from work and mom is tired from work and you sit down in the movie theater and watch one Bollywood movie and then go out for lunch. So it has to be beautiful and large and magnanimous. Like if you show a spotlight, we're going to kill ourselves. You don't want to see a movie where people in chinos

are in a fluorescently lit newsroom talking about child abuse. No, no, no, that's not going to get the whole family. You know, very hard to turn that into a musical. I tried, I know. I looked into it. Spotlight, the musical hasn't happened. I tried. I put a lot of my own money into it. And I'll just say it was a mistake. But no, it is, you know, absolutely massive. I have to tell you, of all the places I've been in the world, my brief time in India, and I still believe this, and I don't know how you feel about it. It is the most different culture I've ever been in. I think to a lot of places. Yeah. But when you're in India, and I said I was in Jaipur and we were driving to a location and we're going through sort of the heart of the city and people, cars,

livestock, everything is moving. But there's no, there was no formalized flow of traffic. Everything was moving in all directions. And I thought it was kind of beautiful. I mean, it was it, if you surrendered to that, you're like, this is so completely different from anything I've experienced on the planet earth before. Yeah. And the people are very beautiful. And there's, but I remembered feeling completely outside my body. The moment you land and then you're driving to the hotel, you're driving around animals on the street. And there's six people on a, on a like a bike, you know, and it's, it's, it's amazing. I think you guys go through three stages, right? Whenever my friends from abroad come over, it's because I recognize

that it is sensory overload. Yeah. You know, it is total sensory overload. You know, more colors and people and flavors and everything that you, you've experienced in like a per capita basis, right? They always come in and my friends are always just kind of glazed over the eyes for the like the first two days because they've just never experienced so much in 48 hours. Then I meet them like a week later and they're really homesick. I miss peanut butter or some shit like that, right? And then, and then you meet them a week later and they're like, I'm never going back. Yeah. And that's the, that's the, you've got to make it past the peanut butter stage. I remember I put a lot of peanut butter in my baseball cap. You did. You had me pack it and I

kept taking my hand. I wasn't allowed to pack clothes because I had to pack all your peanut butter. I've had comedians show up to comedy festivals with peanut butter in their suitcases. Like I had a female comedian from LA show up with like bread and peanut butter and I'm like, we have a billion people. We're feeding each other, you know? And then she went on to eat every local thing that she could eat in like under 10 minutes. Yeah. But yeah. Yeah. You know, it's interesting because we love doing travel shows and I really wanted to go to India and do a whole travel show. Yeah. But and I would still like to do that. I remember the government was very much like, well, what are you going to do? Well, you know, we go to all these

different countries and I am, I don't want to diss the country. I want to go there and meet the people and make comedy with them. I don't want it to be making fun of them. And so, but I did notice that of all of the governments that we encountered, India felt, and I know that you've run up against this. They were, they want a lot of assurances about what we're going to do while we're there. They'd like to see the footage. And I thought, I don't know. It was a, it was a different attitude than I had come across before. Do you know what that's about? I remember when you guys were thinking about doing that because we were emailing and then I, I mean, the version that I heard could be very, very different. But they said,

we're going to think about permissions because he shot something here before without permissions. Yes. Which was something we, which is something that we didn't even think about. But years ago, we did a piece. I mean, we're talking the old late night show. We did a piece with a writer, Andy Blitz. And it was a really funny idea, which is he's having trouble with his computer. And so he unplugged it and he wraps the cord around it and goes to the airport. And then you see him. It's a very expensive piece. He flies to India and then he walks through the streets and finds the actual place where the Collins center is and brings the computer to the person, which we thought was a really clever idea. We're, we were doing this, you know,

show by the seat of our pants. And of course, and I don't think it was insulting at all, but he, he, they just went and they didn't do the proper paperwork. And apparently, so then we're, I think, 15 or 20 years later, saying, Hey, we'd love to come and do something that we think is really respectful and fun about India. And they said, you didn't fill out the paperwork last time. And you need to be penalized. And at first, we didn't know what they were talking about. And then, of course, we talked to Andy Blitz and he's like, Oh yeah, I didn't fill out. You can't expect us to fix your computers and then not have good memories. Just once I want to see like an American call in Indian tech place and he'd be like,

I need to fix my computer. Just ask me like, do you though? Do you really need a computer? What are you going to do on it? What are you going to do? No, and then just put the phone down on you. You don't need a computer. Yeah. Well, I mean, you had found you, it's hard to comprehend in American society because we pride ourselves on you can say whatever you want and people may not like it. But that is your right under the Constitution. And I know you've talked about this a lot. So we don't have to dwell on it, but you gave a very intelligent and wonderful monologue about India and then flew there and what happened? Well, without saying too much, I was doing a show at the Kennedy Center and then I ended up

making a YouTube video at the end of it, which was a monologue and ended up just and a very kind of improvised thing where my wife and I were in DC and we were looking at some monuments and I was homesick and I kind of wrote this thing down at 4pm before the show and I showed it to my wife and I'm like, should I do this? And she's like, yeah, what could happen? And then it's called two Indians. And then we found a wedding photographer on Yelp who had a camera and we shot it and we put it up. And it really just began with like sort of one news channel. I think we all have the angry on fire all the time news channel in every country. And so I put it up and it went viral for like three days, lots of love. And then a news channel picked it up and they kind of set

everything on fire. And so on this channel, people were calling me on sorts of things and saying, cancel this passport and filing complaints. And then when I landed, I was like, I don't know how this is going to go. Where did you land? What city? In Mumbai. Mumbai, okay. And then we just kind of buckled down for two months. You know, the theme of the news special is also sort of if you can find a way to stay mentally strong through an outrage cycle, you discover that real life and love is on the way. And I think in moments like that, you discover what it means to be a comic in a certain sense, because you never think about sort of, oh, if you really focus, you're not thinking about fair unfair, any of these larger things you're thinking,

is this funny? Is there a joke that can be told about this or a story that can be told? You know, for context, I, I cannot wait to hear Chris Rock's five minutes about the Oscars. You know, I've never heard him talk about it, tweet about it, post about it, because the rule of being a comic is the first time it happens, it's got to be jokes, you know. And so for me, it was feeling bad that I may have led a lot of people down and also received a lot of love and saying, can I write the joke that makes you both laugh? Because I take any feedback, any feedback is good feedback and valid feedback, head down, mouth shut. And so then I just kind of really dug deep to write a show about being an idiot at the center of the show. And I think

two months later after I turned my phone on and there's a lot of love and suddenly you're grappling, you know, it's a little surreal to not know where you stand in people's hearts. Yeah. And I wrote a joke which was, I was on the homepage of the BBC and there was a big headline that said, comedian polarizes the nation. Do you know how badly you have to fuck up before the British say that you divided India? And it's great, right? And so it acknowledges a fuck up, it acknowledges that both it was polarizing and it now both sides can hopefully laugh at it. And then I just wrote a show to kind of say, can I take some drama in my life and pivot it so it brings a lot of people joy, which I think is the comedian's job. So that's the learning for me this

year is what it means to be a comic, truly. It's interesting because I think it takes a lot of discipline and I commend you for that to go through an intense experience like that where a lot of people are upset and remember your job is comedy. Because I do think many people would say, I want to go on the equivalent of Oprah and cry. It's something that I've, you know, I bumped into Chris not too long ago, Chris Rock, and I was telling him, I really commend you on not, you know, you know, everybody, you know, Oprah and every show like that will do anything to get him to come on and open up and maybe tear up and cry. And it takes a lot of, I think, discipline and a kind of a class to say, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to wait for my moment and then

do what I do. Because you want the end result of it to be joy, right? That is my job at the end of the day. And I wouldn't hand over my narrative to anybody else. I wouldn't trust anybody with my narrative but myself. Like I, as much as I know what, for instance, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have gone through, I imagine there will now be a podcast about the book about the interview about the documentary. But a comedian doesn't have to go through that. We can just crack a joke and bring everybody to the table again. I think it's the most beautiful democratic of professions in that sense. So yeah, that took a while. And you just kind of have to surround yourself with other comics. You know, like, I remember I was at the cellar, I think the night that I was on the news

and a comic came up to me and he was like, you know, the worst part is they're calling you a poet. And that's such a comedian response where you at some point you go, okay, this is going to be funny someday. Yes. And then you buckle down. Did you, when you went back to India, were you arrested or just charged? No, it was people filed complaints filed complaints. And then the police was like, no, we're not, you know, entertaining. And you never felt physically threatened? No, I don't think there's a more powerful feeling than feeling like you've let people down. Yes. You know, and so I think that's the most powerful feeling at the center of the special. Like I'd never, one of the things that was important with the specialist, I never want

to lionize myself or victimize myself, you know, this is just funny. You know, I think we all know the way that I look at it is I never even referenced the content as such. To me, you can't predict when content becomes controversial, you know, but you can make sure that controversy is in your content, you know, and you can kind of be the idiot always. So I think that's been the learning. Do you, you know, it's funny because we started talking about your relationship with your parents. I'm very curious if they find you funny. Not one bit. Wow. Wow. Like they're proud of me, but like my mom will be sitting, like my mom will watch the audience in the middle of my show. And therefore, like I cannot have my

parents in my eye line at all during the show. You know, I have to say this, if I have family, any kind of family coming to a show, I can't handle it. And you also take it a lot more personally. Like my wife is very smart in that on a 25 country world tour, she'll go like, okay, there, there and there. I'm coming with you, but I'm not coming to Arlington, Texas. I'll come to Edinburgh, you know, I'll come to New York. And so then if you, you're doing a show and you look over in the wings and your wife is just like on her phone, you take that so goddamn personally. And you're like, I know it's the 50th time you've seen the show, but you have to be as captive as the rest of the audience. So I just, I just rather not,

you know, have people there. I'm just relating to this. This is meaningful to me. Because I know exactly what you're talking about. She's like playing, playing Candy Crush during my, I'm like, what the hell? Do you see I'm killing here? She's like, yeah, but I'm really with this Candy Crush. This is a high score for me. This is a personal best. Can I tell you something though? I just, I've been dying to bring this up with you. Just how your comment section, which I'm not sure if you read or not. I don't, I don't read comments. I read your comments and is the most humbling comment section for me ever. Why? Because the first time I did your show, I was very nervous and you were wonderful. And you guys shot me well. You know, you shot me kind

of low angle and I look good and it was a decent set. You know, God was kind and all the comments are like, he's doing well. He's making us proud. And then at the end of it, you came and stood next to me on stage and we looked like Frodo and Gandalf together. And the entire comment section, you can just see them go, this fucking guy. So we just looked like a pencil and a rubber together. It didn't help that I was wearing an eraser on my head too. I apologize for that. No, you were hilarious right away. And I would say the gift of getting to do a late night show for all those years was meeting so many people that are funny in different ways. And then being able to reach out to you and say, would you come by and do the podcast and get to see you, you know, is it's

joyous. I mean, that's my that's that's a joy for me. It really is very meaningful. Well, credit where it's due. I don't think anybody has championed more different comics and started more different careers than you have through late nights. So I must give you that credit. The reason I it was your show was the first thing I ever did in the States. I'd never done anything. Even my Netflix special was shot abroad. And so that was my introduction. So it really kicked everything off that five minutes. It really was a powerful thing and I'm grateful. Well, you are welcome here any time you won't be paid. That's the best part. And you'll probably have to wait in an immigration line for a very long time. Well,

this is a huge treat. What do you let me just make sure that I mention what's coming up next just so that I do that? Well, just Virdas landing. It's the new special on Netflix. So please watch that. And I think I'll be touring the States March first onwards. So it's a Virdas.in is my site. So VIRDS.in. And there will be some tour dates there. All right. I think that's that. I can't wait to see. I have not seen the special. I can't wait to see it. When's it drop as the kids say? It has dropped. It has dropped as the kids. I don't know what kids say. Kids don't say any of this. Kids don't say it's just one emoji and a frown is what kids say. I get a lot of poop emojis. Virdas landing is out now. And I'm a huge fan

and an admirer of your approach and mad respect. And thank you so much for doing this seriously. I appreciate it. Again, things are a little different today. Matt Gorley not with us. I think he's doing something very important. Really? No, probably just buying new colored rocks for his aquarium. But we are sitting here with David Hoppin who helps out on the show. And you fill in very nicely on the program from time to time. Oh, thank you. Yeah. And what's on your mind, David? No, we were just talking before this. Did we ever tell you about the time that Son and I just abandoned you and Jeff to go to every single friend's filming location? Yeah. Wait, I don't know what you're talking about. Whenever we wrote. First of all, you guys are

supposed to take care of myself and Jeff Ross, our executive producer. And you said that you you both because you're each the backup for the other. Yeah, you're the pilot and the co-pilot. Yes. When both of you leave the cockpit, that breaks every FAA rule in the book. Yeah. So what happened? Where did you go? We just left and we were at Warner Brothers where they filmed friends. I mean, it's important to have the context that that week you you made me watch 56 hours of friends. This really is your fault. So this is technically your fault. Right. It was part of it. It was a part of a challenge. Yeah. It came up on the show and we had a challenge to see if you could watch every as many episodes of friends as possible in one week because kind of also to prove the point

that you didn't do a lot of actual work. Okay. Well, you know, you were watching those shows anyway. And when I was doing it for the show. That was the bit. You were doing it for the show. Okay. So you watch all these episodes of friends and then what happened? So we we taped Monday through Thursday. I watched friends that whole week and then on Friday, you know, David used to be a tour guide on the Warner Brothers lot. And that's where friends was shot. Yeah. So we were like, let's go to all the locations that friends shot on the Warner Brothers lot. So you went to where the fountain was? Yeah, we went to the yeah, that was at the ranch like well, like a mile or two away. Yeah. So we left you to and then we took a full tour of the ranch while we were there.

Wait, so you left your job and I remember this. We didn't tell either of you either. We didn't tell. Was I doing a show that day? There was no show. No, it was Friday. Yeah. It was not even a day. We're so relaxed. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're getting a paycheck. You should be on hand to take care of me. I probably needed some valuable medical help that day. Well, that's normal every day though. David, let's not get it out there that I have a series of fits and convulsions pretty much hourly. No one needs to know that. So you went off, did you feel any guilt? Be honest. No, we had a great time. We had so much fun. Yeah, we took Sona's car over to the fountain. Yeah. The new car or the old crappy one? Oh, come on. I think

you had just gotten the new one. I got mine. It was a new, my Kia, it was Kia Zadora. Yeah. We took her to the ranch. So even if you guys needed us right away, we weren't close to you. So we had left and we had left for like hours. Did you have your pager on you? Pager. Pager. I've always been obsessed with it. I always wish the pager would come back. Why? Because I don't like, you know, people can easily, you know, ignore their phone. But I think both of you should have to have a 1978 Motorola pager. No. Strap to your hip. Yeah. And it would, I would use it all the time. I don't like it. Yeah. I feel like you would use it for nothing serious and then we would just never return your calls because we want to

expect it to be real. We have to return my calls. So anyway, that's, that's quite a revelation. You left for a day to go look at places where they shot Friends episode. Well, then we filmed it and then we spent even more time editing the footage that we got into like a little post that we put on Instagram. Then we put it up on Instagram and then Instagram was like, you can't use the Friends theme immediately. So then we had to record the Friends theme and then we edited that on top of the footage that we took this all in a day when you were supposedly working in our defense. I'm sorry. You have the work ethic of an alcoholic chimp. If you gave a circus monkey alcohol and then monitored his work progress throughout the day as he stumbled

and bumbled his. Excuse me, but you're the one who made me watch so many hours of Friends that week. So, you know, you're like enabling me. If I'm an alcoholic chimp, you're the chimp guy who's giving me alcohol. He's not the chimp guy. He's the chimp trainer. Okay. You're the chimp trainer and you're just like, have some more alcohol, chimp. And then it's, you're the problem. You're the problem. It's not me. Nothing you did is what you're saying. Nothing that David or I did. I also think it's important to note that you didn't know that this happened. So clearly it was fine. Where were you? Wait a minute. You can, as I said, and I'll stick with this analogy, if the pilot and the copilot both leave the cockpit and go and start getting high in the

men's room, no one on the plane knows about it, but it's still a crime. Still, you did endangered everybody. No. Endangered. Yeah. Endangered. Yeah. What? You had to answer your phone. Yeah, you had to get your own sandwich. You had to say, hello? If Spielberg called, then you would have looked really cool answering your own phone. You don't need an assistant. You're Conan O'Brien. I mean, I'm a big wheeler dealer. I have some pretty big phone calls come through, don't I, Sona? Not at all. We, you know, there have been whole days where we will be sitting and no one will call. So, never, never, never. There's, there was never a time where I thought, oh no, what if we're missing an important phone call? Jesus. Never. We got to get back to that desk.

ASAP. It was never. Come on. Big time. Big name directors never called. Did they even have your phone number? What are you talking about? I don't, I'm just curious. What about like rap producers or people in the music industry? They might be trying to call me. For what? To get my take. I'm a legend. To get it. You don't even know anybody who's doing music right now. Do you? I mean, I know we talked about and you keep naming the same people over and over, but like, you know, you, you don't like big pop stars. I feel like you can't, I feel like you don't know a lot. I know Conan Gray. Name a song. Name a song that he's saying. I wish I was the real Conan.

That guy, he must burn his ass that people are always running up to him going, I love you, I love you Conan. And then he turns around and they're like, oh, Conan Gray, not Conan O'Brien. You guys don't even look away. I love that people get his, just because he has the same name, people think that he's me. So stupid. Conan, Conan, Conan, Conan. Yes. Oh no. Not the Conan who's tearing up the charts, who's really relevant. And not the gorgeous young. All right, take it easy. Conan Gray. If I had worked done, I'd look great. Anyway, I know exactly what's going on. Conan Gray. Okay. Sam. Sam Silliam. This is like you trying to name Taylor Swift albums. All right. Well, anyway, I do think

that I should dock you a day's pay both for what you did. Okay. How many years ago was this? I had to have been, what, four, five? Four, five years ago. I don't remember. That's going to be adjusted to for inflation. I don't think that's going to happen. Do you even know how much we get paid? I'm not sure. I didn't think you did. Do you get paid money? I know you get beans, right? You get what we told you was magical beans and you keep sitting at home to Illinois. Yeah, nothing's happened with them yet. Don't you worry, mama. These are magic beans. Mama. Conan says they're magical beans. Put them with the other beans. It's just a big bowl of beans. Yeah. Well, those things accrue over time.

But you actually pay me money, so thanks. All right. Listen, this was a huge waste of time. When Gorley gets back, he's going to be stunned by what happened in his absence. But I'm proud of both of you. I know I give you a hard time, but you really are great at what you do. What? I'm waiting for it. Nope. You really are both valuable people. I mean a lot to me. So there you go. And here it comes. Nope. No. Sure as my name is Conan Gray. People I've ever met. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotarov, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Yearwolf.

Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco

production in association with Earwolf.