Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - W. Kamau Bell

Episode Date: August 3, 2020

Comedian and writer W. Kamau Bell feels cautiously optimistic, but still not great about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Kamau sits down with Conan to talk about meeting Anthony Bourdain, doing bits with his kids, and tolerating discomfort. Later, Conan’s assistant Sona recounts losing her wallet. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Debbie Camaubell, and I feel cautiously optimistic, but not so great about being Conan O'Brien's friend. What? What? Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. This is the start of season three of this podcast. I cannot believe it's been three seasons already. It is just flying by, because it is honestly, no joke, one of the most fun experiences I've

ever had. I'm really enjoying it, and here are two of the people that add a lot to the joy of doing this job. I'm medicated, by the way. That's why I'm coming across. That explains it. It's been nice. My assistant, Sonam Obsession.

Hey, Sonam. Hi. How are you? It's good to be back. It is good to be back. Season three. It is good to be back. I'm a producer, engineer.

You're not an engineer. You're a producer. That's right. Extraordinary. Does a very good job. He's the maestro. I call him Matt Gorley. I think that's because it's your name.

It is, Matt. Yeah. You did it well. That's my name. I thought I'd come up with an interesting nickname, and then later someone told me, no, that's just your name. That's actually it. Yeah.

Well, it's good to be back. I have to say, I don't know if it's because of, and I think maybe it is partially because of quarantine and everything, but also because I really love doing this. I didn't want to be away from it that long. It's really fun, and boy, am I jonesing to connect with people. We did a podcast a couple of weeks ago with Tom Hanks. It's just kind of a surprise, and some people might think, well, why wasn't that the start of the season?

And I think it's because he's not a big enough star. We need to aim higher. Yeah. I am DB'd him, and it was like, I guess. I guess you've done stuff. I'm still not sure who he is. I know. No, that was an amazing, that was just a treat for the middle of the summer, but I am really

excited to be back, and I promise this season to be a little less filtered, a little less kind and polite to the both of you. Oh, no. Yeah. What a drastic change. Oh, no. And we will be not as respectful and kind to you. Our promise to you.

Yeah. Your solemn oath is that you will treat me with the contempt that I deserve. Yes. Yeah. You know, it's funny. I come from home, and we're working at Irwell Studios here in Los Angeles, and no one's here. Everything's been cleaned.

We're doing it very responsibly. And Gourley, you are not with me right now. No. And Sona, you are with me, but you're more than six feet, which is the way you've always liked it. You've always liked to maintain this distance, at least, not even six, at least 10 feet. Yeah. When I met Sona, she said 10 feet, please, and that was 10 years ago, long before.

So she knew something. But no, so it's really nice to be here, but it's funny. I get the same amount of, I don't want to say contempt, it's a sort of healthy skepticism from everybody. Yeah. So I'm at home with my kids, and my son is 14, and everything is boomer, boomer. Any time I make a mistake, he's on me, and my daughter's really good at killing you side eye, and they're not interested.

And not long ago, my wife wasn't in the house, and I was there, and I was in charge. And I just tried to do a bit with them, and so I was like, kids, kids, let's get together. And I really committed to it. Come here, everybody, come here. And they both came together, and they were like, what? And my son said, is this a bit or is it real? And I really committed to it, and I said, guys, no, I'm really serious. Look.

And when I said look, they both went, it's a bit, and walked away. And it was a bit. I was going to go on a long bit about how I don't feel, that I'm being given the respect that your mother gets, and it wasn't serious, but it's because I put up my hands in a little bit of a, a little bit of a tell, I put up my hands and went, look. And they were both, both at the same time said, it's a bit, and walked their separate hands. I remember when my daughter was four, she said something like, I said, like, well, I

think we're going to have a really, this ice cream is going to be really good. And my daughter, who's four, said, at the time, said, cut to, what happened? And I said, cut to. Oh my God. Yeah. Well, I'm excited we're back. Yeah. And I'm very excited because today, guest today is a absolutely hilarious comedian and writer,

who is the host and executive producer of the Emmy award-winning CNN series, United Shades of America. He's also the author of the book, The Awkward Thoughts of W. Kamau Bell, and has a stand-up special on Netflix, Private School Negro. I'm thrilled he is with us. W. Kamau Bell, welcome. Okay, I understand cautiously optimistic because that should be anyone's approach to me. I understand that.

But what do you mean, not so great? What's that all about? I don't know if it's a real invitation, Conan. I understand it's a podcast, but in this time of coronavirus and pandemic, I could use a new friend, but I feel like maybe this is just a hustle, which is fine, but I just want to be prepared for that. If it is a hustle, it's my side hustle. I understand.

I only know that term because Sona is always talking about her side hustles, and so I love that term. I mean, I'm always saying, why were you late? And she'll be like, I was doing a voiceover for an anime cartoon. It's my side hustle. And so, yes, my side hustle might be getting you to be my friend. Maybe I'll give you some new terminology. I will be your side piece to your side hustle.

I've always dreamed of a side piece, but no, I thought it was like a side piece of land that I would own that was adjacent to my property. And so I would say to my wife, I really want a side piece, and she was slamming really hard. And I would say, no, the small plot of land near our home is for sale. And I would like to move my girlfriend onto it. What a great place for my mistress. Then I would get slapped again, and I would say, I don't understand what's going on.

No, I'll tell you why I would like us to be friends. And I do say this sincerely. I think we have a lot of things in common. I really do. And then I started reading a little bit about your past, and I found out that in a weird way you grew up sort of the way I did, meaning you were kind of unsure how you fit into the world. And if I had to say there was one thing that has turned out to be a gift in my adult life,

it's that when I was a kid, I didn't have a niche. I didn't know where I fit. People would assume maybe for a second that I was a good athlete until I quickly tried to hold the ball or do something with it. And I kept thinking, people would say, well, are you a full-on nerd, and I'd go like, no, I don't think I am. Well, are you the Archie Andrews sort of popular guy? Not really, no.

Are you good with the girls? I don't know. What do I do? I don't know who I am. Is that your experience a little bit, or why don't you tell me? Nothing of that is my experience. Wow, you totally destroyed me. I was captain of the football team.

I actually still play pro sports, I'm going to the NBA bubble, I'm starting for the Orlando Magic. I don't know how you didn't find all this stuff out. Oh, here it is, it's the second page. Oh, shit. My Wikipedia is pretty long. You know what? You know what I should do is I should look at the second page before I start talking to

people. That's on me, I really apologize. But can you relate to the... No, I'm an only child. I moved around a lot with my mom, so I always felt like an outsider. And when I was by myself, I felt totally comfortable. But then when I'd be around other people, I would be acting comfortable. They'd be like, that's weird, why are you acting that way?

So I learned to sort of like, I got to keep this, whatever this is, I got to keep it to myself. So yeah, I definitely was not the popular kid. But I was also not the straight A student, even though people sort of thought I was because I was quiet and bookish, but I was not like, you know, so I sort of, I did have a like, I don't know where I'm going to fit in in this life. I wanted to be a comedian. But you know, we're the generation where it's like, you couldn't Google what that was or

how to do it. Right. So you just sort of was like, maybe one day I'll accidentally fall into a comedy club. I didn't know how to, you know, how to make that happen. So yeah, I didn't know what I went to college to be an East Asian studies major just because I liked Bruce Lee. Like there was... Well, first of all, that is the path to comedy for most of us.

All of us got into East Asian studies because of Bruce Lee. And then the next thing you know, we're doing comedy, but yeah, you spent some of your youth in Boston, didn't you? I did. I was in Boston from around like four to 12 or so. Yeah, about four to 12. So I have formative years in Boston, but it's been such a long time that I was there. It feels weird to say that I was, you know, that I'm from Boston.

I wouldn't say that. I feel really good because I got to spend some time in some key racist places in America. So for my career, it's like, it's good to have spent some time in Boston because it's like, that's one of America. That's a specific type of racism there. I've never heard anyone mentioned racism in Boston in the same sense. That's why I don't feel great about our friendship. I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, I grew up in, I lived in Matapan, I don't know if you know Matapan. Sure. Yeah. I went to a public school and it was the height of busing when I was there in the 70s. And there was a picture that, you know, when people talk about racism in Boston and I still go back to Boston because my parents live there in Brookline and I've heard people sort of almost kind of want to resist that Boston had racial issues. And I think the most iconic racist photograph of the 70s.

I know exactly what you're about to say, I think. It is as if a couple of people sat around and thought for like 10 days and said, how can we enact the most racist scenario possible? And I think you know what I'm talking about. Yeah. It's almost like Tarantino helped brainstorm it. It's like something from a Tarantino. But you know what?

If Tarantino did it, critics would say, that part's too far-fetched and it's a real photo. And we're laughing. It's obviously a terrific, but during the height of the busing and fighting about race and everything, there was some kind of demonstration or something in downtown Boston. And this very well-dressed black gentleman, I think he's got a briefcase. He's a lawyer. He's a professional. He was walking through and this mob guy was really angry and two guys grabbed or three

guys grab an American flag and try and charge him and like try to stab him with an American flag. Now, I'm not sure, but I don't think he was hurt. But someone took a picture and you know, want to pull it, sir. And it's like, yeah, two white Bostonians trying to charging and trying to and using the American flag as a weapon against this man who's clearly just on his way to work or back from work and it is, it is, I mean, it's a disturbing image, but it's also. It's so, I mean, it's almost, I mean, this is where to say it's almost beautiful and

how perfect it is to go. Is there racism in America? Hold on. Have you seen this photo? Yeah. It sums it up in one image and the fact that the photographer caught it because it's like the perfect moment. Yes.

Are you looking at it right now? I'm looking at it. Yeah. It's horrifying. Yeah, but also it is the irony in that photo and you do think, okay, if I encountered anybody who said, I don't think there's racism, I'd say, tell me what you see when you see this photograph. If they looked at it and went, well, they're just trying to show the man the American flag

with the pointy end pointed towards him. That's just a coincidence. And they're trying to show it to him quickly because clearly he's a professional and has things to do. You're like, fuck you. No, that's when people ask, why did your family move out of Boston? I'd say, look at that picture. That's why my family moved out of Boston.

That's all you needed. No, my mom really did get sick of Boston and that aspect of it because she felt like it's also so provincial there that even the black people of Boston act like they came over on the Mayflower in a weird way. So she was like, even they're not really on my side. Okay, look down at you. Look down at you because you're not a, you haven't, your family wasn't brought here on the boats when my family was brought here on the boats, so you can't come to my social

gathering. Yeah. We're supposed to be on the same team. I don't know about that. So yeah. So we, we moved from Boston to Chicago, which was a, which my mom literally was like, I need to go to a blacker place where like, where the black people are cool. And so Chicago in 1984 was that place.

But you know, it's also, it's funny because I sense that we had probably similar interests, you know, growing like, to me, there's something about insecurity at an early age, just not knowing what your niche is, not having a niche is really good for developing comedy muscle. Yeah. Do you agree with that? Yeah. I think feeling like an outsider in every place you're, every room you're in is a really great muscle.

It's a really great way to develop comedy because it's, you feel dysfunctional and there's ways to process that dysfunction and comedy is a great way to sort of balance out your feeling of dysfunctionality. Like it's a great way to go. If you can be funny, you can make yourself feel normal for a little while. So I thought about it. Right. Like I really felt like being an only child is actually, if all things being equal,

if there wasn't a sense of like structure and society and caste system in America, only child would be the way I would identify myself. Because I feel like that's the thing that ultimately I feel like separates me from other people is that I grew up being my own, my own best counsel, my own company and feeling like I was always sort of on the outside of people, of other people. So, but you know, that's America doesn't, doesn't ask, please don't pull you over for being only child. I guess it's interesting.

Hey, let's hope we can get to that point. Did you get to watch only the TV you wanted to not have to share? Step out of your car, sir. Step out of your car. Did you never have to fight for dessert, please? Get out. Step out of your car, sir. Get out.

Get out. Keep your hands on the steering wheel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's clear you never wore clothes that were worn by anyone else first. Yeah. Yeah. All night. Backup.

You say that because the people that were supposed to be my clique were not my clique. What was your situation? Can you relate to that? No, I can, because I mean, it's funny, I feel like when I'm basically the same age as hip hop, like hip hop started around the same time I was born and, and sort of like, so I got to, I remember when like a rapper's delight first one on the radio and I was like memorized every word and then weird that I was like, that's enough hip hop for me. And I never really engaged again until like the nineties when I started.

But so when hip hop was really booming, I was more interested in the young comedian special on HBO. Oh, wow. Okay. All right. So I was just more interested in like, I was like, yes, that's a good song by NWA. But have you seen Jan Carams' new set? I love that.

Pretty soon after rappers delight, you decided, I think that's it for rap. I got it. I got it. So this isn't going any further. It's a fad. It's a fad. But there's no longterm money in this. Yeah.

I was like, Charlton Heston, this isn't music. You know, it's so funny. I always think of you as kind of like Charlton Heston in so many ways. Yeah, dude. That's what we, you know, I am also a spokesperson for the NRA, so I just keep it on the low because it doesn't match with the... Do you ever? Let me just do something quickly.

Do you ever, because you have that really good comedy brain, do you ever fantasize about or get tempted to do something that completely wouldn't fit what people think about you just? Do you know what I mean? Like, I will... Oh, yeah. I'll just register for the NRA just because it will fucking freak people out. And then I'll stick with it. I think most of being a comedian at some point is learning like, nope, that's not for you.

That's not for you. Because all the thoughts are equal at some point in your head. And then if you get lucky and have a career, then your career sort of goes in a direction. And some of those thoughts that you used to grab on just because they were funny, you got like, nope, I got to let that one go, you know, I got to let that one slide. That's not... I think about things all the time that I was like, really committed to and thankfully never recorded anywhere.

Like, you know what? I would cancel myself. Like, I thought that was a really funny idea. I was going to turn that into a song. Whoa! You know, so, yeah. So I think that people don't really understand that, like, as comedians, at some point it's all just material.

It's all just sort of like clay that you're working with. But then when you have a career, you go, this is the clay that I sell. This is not... And so, but when I'm with my friends, we say all sorts of things that, you know, and that's why I think it's good to have those friends. You can say all those things and they don't go, hold on, I got to go call TMZ. You know, they just, you know, they actually just let you be you. Right.

Now, you mentioned TMZ just before we got on the call, you mentioned that you had a run-in with TMZ. Well, this was actually, this was not, like, I've had a run-in, like, I've had a couple, like, a run-in, like, coming out of a comedy club. But this was actually an interview that I did for TMZ on the TMZ TV show. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah. Okay, oh, you went to TMZ.

I see. I've never done that. They invited me. They invited you. I didn't know they had a building. Yeah. I wasn't aware. This isn't an office.

This is an alley. It's the best we have. Just sit on that chair. That's a box. Years ago, I was doing a show in Nashville, and the show did not go great, and I came out of the club, and I was just like, ugh, and outside of the club was some guy with a camera. He goes, hey, I'm Nick from TMZ.

I got a couple questions for you, and I'm like, how bad is your beat that you're in Nashville holding some of the biggest country music stars in the world, and you were sent to come out bell shit? And I asked, I literally, I was like, I just feel bad for you. I just feel like Taylor Swift, Blake Shelton, some guy named Bubba. There's all these people you could talk to, and you came to the W. Come Out Bell show. Yeah. So, but yesterday it was actually, I've been interviewed by TMZ.

They called me for interviews once when I'm promoting United Shades, and it's weird. I was always afraid of why would they want me on TMZ, but they clearly use me as the, when you have a fancy meal and they give you the cucumber or whatever to sort of like clear your palate, it's like they're like, we want to, they use me to have the smart conversations and they go back to the others. You know what, it's probably like there's a government mandated. There has to be at least 30 seconds of intelligence in the show. You know, you just found, you just, you just, you know, you just talked to Snooki while

she was getting up off the sidewalk, bring only a thong and throwing up, and, and so you know, we've got to just quickly cut away to come out, and I mean, and then like Harvey Levin's like, come out. How do we solve structural racism in America? Well, thank you for asking Harvey. And it's like, he clearly reads the books and knows what's going on. But you know, you can't ask those questions of, you know, one of those people whose names I don't know, because I don't try to follow that stuff, Kardashian.

Be great. If you just started, you had an incredible deep knowledge. I mean, it's quite deeper than, deeper than I want to admit, but I know which Kardashian is which. I did, I mean, I did an event. This was a, like when I first got to CNN and did United Shades, there was like a Hollywood reporter around table, reality television round table. And this was, I mean, this was years ago and you'll know how it was years ago.

I was, they called me to do it and they said that like Tony Bourdain was going to be there. And I was like, oh, well, I'll definitely do it because I hadn't met him yet. I'd had this show on United Shades for a year and I was like, great, I get to hang out with Tony. I haven't met him and I've been wanting it. I've been a fan of his since before I had the show. And then I got there and it was a bunch of other reality television people and I got there and Tony is standing on the corner talking to the publicist from CNN and she's this little

tiny lady and he's this tall guy and she's like pointing in his face, like, like clearly like, like sort of like, like brown, like looking like a teacher talking to a student who just failed and I expected more of you. And he just sort of looks like, and then I walk up like, hey, man, he's like, yeah, I got to go and he leaves and then I walk in and he just, he just does it. So he doesn't do the event and I walk in and she's like, he, he had some previously scheduled business and I'm like, I can tell a lie when I hear it and then I walk into where we're recording the interview and I walk past like the green rooms and it has everybody's name

on a piece of paper and one of them says Chris Kardashian and I was like, oh, shit. Cause I knew he, he like, hated the Kardashians and I'm like, he left cause Chris Kardashian, cause I didn't know Chris Kardashian was going to be there either. And I think she got booked at the last minute and he's like, I can't sit it. And I found out he was like, I can't sit at a table with a member of the Kardashian family. Right. And he just walked out and he just bounced and I just thought it was one of the greatest things of all time that I would even now.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, greatest things of all time. All time. I have my list of greatest things of all time. I want to hear the other greatest things of all time. I had a good bowl of cereal this morning, almond milk to pecan ratio is really perfect. I think I really nailed it. I have a bunion on my foot that's healing up nicely. Wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So these beat the discovery of fire as a way to, okay. I wasn't there for that, so maybe I saw Andy Bourdain leave a scene in publicist because he didn't want to stomach a Kris Kardashian. I saw that happen and I was like, that dude knows who he is and I wish I had that much integrity. Anyway, I'm going to go in there and talk to Kris Kardashian and at the end of this event, it was like me, RuPaul, her, some other people, Leah Remney, Kris Kardashian gave everybody

gift bags, like, which I was like, like handed everybody like, and like, was like, and she's just invited. I mean, she's not hosting the thing. She's no, she just, she just, she really just showed us all up to go, you didn't bring a gift bag. Wow. I brought gift bags and she had gift bags of like whatever Kylie's new lip kit was. She had gift bags for everybody.

That's not really a gift bag. I mean, it was, it was makeup that was hard to get. My father has a brick business here. It's got my father's, the name of my father's brick business on it. I still had not ever seen anybody hand out random gift bags that weren't a kid's birthday party or a wedding. So I was pretty impressed at the time and she was like, give this to your wife. And I was like, how did she know I have a wife?

Like they have like, do you have a dossier? Like, why do you? Oh my God. There was a, um, when we were, you were there too, when, when I did Bonnaroo years ago and the big thing there was, uh, there was this, um, big trailer and, and I'm trying to think of who it was. Was it like Dr. Dre? Or it was like, it was Jay-Z.

It was Jay-Z. Yeah. It was, it was, it was Jay-Z had this giant tractor trailer truck that was all fitted out with air conditioning, everything. And, um, people were invited to go in and they could pick out whatever they wanted. And I'm never like to take anything because I, it's very complicated. But this way I was, I feel like I have to write a note. I mean, I don't, I don't understand how it all works.

The, and so, uh, even if someone gave me like, here's a free coaster, you know, that says the name of their podcast on it, I then think I have to, well, I can't get rid of it. I got to keep it. So it's all very loaded for me. So I was just sitting down in like a fold out chair nearby and they have this crazy security outside and there's a really long line and the security guys keep saying, Conan, come on, you want to come in and cut the line and you can, because they recognize me, you want to come in and I went, I'm, I'm good guys.

I'm okay. And they're like, no, no, it's Jay-Z's, it's like all of his best shit and you can take whatever you want. I, I'm fine, but I thank you very much. And I was in this really sad little chair sitting in the sun and they couldn't believe it. They had, they couldn't believe in everyone else's and they were, they kept saying like they talked to each other and go like, Hey, seriously, man, you should come in here.

You could, you, there's like a car in here. You could have it. I, I wouldn't be able to kind of this moment. We have family members. You haven't seen in a long time in here. And please just, just tell Mr., Mr. C that I, I appreciate it and I, there are people in here who owe you money with them to give you the money back. Someone here has your medication that you need to keep your heart beating.

If you could just please again and tell Mr. C that it just didn't work out, but I do appreciate it. They just need your signature on it. For cancer. She's right, she's right in here. That will sign it and we'll have it. No, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I love that you took us there. I love that you have a cure for cancer, but it can't be released until I sign it. We've got a notary waiting for you. We're leaning out of the booth, we're leaning out of the place so that it's inches from your hand. And we've extended a pen and if you just push the pen that legally, I can possibly, a child in here is dying of leukemia. Oh my God.

Also there's a make your own Sunday bar, I just can't. So I have a question for you because you do must love getting to do clearly, I mean just hanging with you, I'm like, okay, there are comedy people who like to go off quietly in a corner and think about it and they're kind of shy and then there's people I think like you and me who really love to just fuck around and then we would, we can, we love to riff like that for a long time. And so where do you get that day in and day out? Because obviously you have people that you work with, but do you have a group of really

funny people in your life where you sit around and you can just generate ideas and come up with stuff and how does that work for you? Well, yeah, I mean, if you're not funny, then you're not really worth a damn as a friend of mine. Let's be clear about that. You can be smart, you can be righteous, you can be, you need to be funny. So, but yeah, I have, I think that like, like for example, one of my closest friends is a comedian named Dwayne Kennedy who I've known since I started doing comedy in Chicago.

And one of the great things about my career is that now I can like hire him to like he works in United Shades, he worked on Totally Bias and he goes on tour with me when I'm when I'm getting my stand up back together. And really it's just like, and really on United Shades, basically his job is to just sit in the van and talk to me while I wait to go talk to like the KKK. Like that's basically his job is just like, it's just sort of be around so I can stay loose. And so, because otherwise if I get to, and also, and we're not talking about the interviews

a lot of times, we're just like riffing and talking. You're warming up, you're stretching, you're just having fun. And I feel like the funniest stuff often happens in the van or in the green room or backstage. These things happen that are just absolute gold and that's what makes them special. And it's really like for comics, it's like legitimate. You had to be there moments like nobody can take a bit from this, nobody nobody's working on a bit. It's just us sort of like, like musicians having a jam session, like we're just in here playing

together. Yeah. And for me, that's the, that's the one thing about like, that when I think about what did I get out of this? Like, you know, cause comp the showbiz is hard and it makes you crazy. But like, I definitely know that I've laughed more because of my chosen profession that I would have laughed if I hadn't been in this, you know, and there's a lot of, there's a lot to be said for that.

Cause I do think it is a healthy thing to do to laugh. And now with my kids, like my oldest is nine, my middle is five and a half. They know the power of being funny. And so now we're being funny together. Yes. And like, you know, like it's just, and so now we have like, the bits that we do, like that, like sort of like, that is now fun on its own, even in a kid way.

It's like, oh, like my, my daughter has now does the thing that comics who do comedy for like 10 years do, where if I say something, she'd be like, that's funny. Without laughing. Without laughing. Without laughing. I love that. I love that. That's funny.

Like some, like some grizzled headliner in Topeka, Kansas, that's a good one. You know what I always thought? I always thought it's like a radiologist who, who's been doing it for 80, for 60 years, just go looking at it and going like, yeah, that's stage four anyway, but they don't show any emotion. They don't. Oh yeah. That's that's invasive.

That's stage four. They'll die anyway. There's a place that has really good crème brûlée. Let's go there. Oh no. That's, that's my daughter. That's a good thing. Yeah.

But she laughs a lot. But when she really like thinks like, oh, you really, that's a, that was a good one. That was a good one. I'm just like, I feel like that's, you've already learned how this works. It's about like actually sometimes you're like impressed by the craft more than you even want to laugh about it. Right. I do think it can't, it can't go too far like sort of like a wine sommelier.

It's like, you don't even enjoy this anymore. Like it's just, but I, so I do think that you do want to be able to access the, the laughter part too. Do you, are you noticing that your kids have different senses of humor? Like they. Oh yeah. No, we just talked about it the other day. We talked about like how my nine year old really is getting into word play and that's

where she will be like, that's funny because that word means this, but you said it like, you know, so she's, whereas my five and a half year old is at that age where all she you have to do to make her laugh is like sing a popular song and swap out keywords with the word, but, and that is all she needs, you know what, all she needs, some of us never left that stage. No, no, no, it's, but she's like firmly in it. Like it's never, that's like, you know, I'm still at that stage, but I also like word play.

She's like, nope, not the word play. Just sing, let it go from frozen, but say, let it, but, let it, but that's all she needs. There's so many ideas in comedy that we, we think of, and we're in this strange, I mean, strange, we're in this, we've been in this time for a while, this, the cancel culture of someone getting in trouble for something they said and, or, or did they did that went too far. And one of the things that I've always thought is, well, you do have to have almost like

the room where they split the atom to create the heat to generate everything. You need to have a room where you have, where you're protected, where you can almost literally say everything. Do you know what I mean? Everything and anything because it's the way that comedy is made. I got a call yesterday from a well-known comic who didn't really want to be associated with the idea. So I won't say his name, but he called me with this idea and he was like, Conan, I just

got to tell you this idea really fast. I can't do it. You can't do it because it involves Hitler and, and I went, and I went, okay, all right, let's hear it. And he went, okay, it's the giant Nuremberg rally, this famous where you cut to the crowd and Lenny Riefenstahl shot it and there's just, you know, hundreds of thousands of Germans in neat rows and they're going crazy and the furors giving his speech and it's beautifully shot and it's this iconic horrible moment that shows you how much everybody was enthralled

with Hitler. And instead in whatever year it was, 1936, whatever, coronavirus is hit. So there's a couple of Germans backstage in the high command and they're talking, someone's got to go tell the furor that because of coronavirus instead of 7000, you know, crazily cheering Germans in the crowd, there's about, there's about, I want to say 100 people distanced in the crowd and, and, and none of them want to go tell the furor and then they, they find one sap, they're like, you got to do it auto. He kind of like, and he's like, I don't know why he goes in and the furor is just real

chipper. He's like, oh, I'll tell you how's the crowd. And I was like, well, the crowd is, you know, and he never ends up not telling you. But I thought, oh, that is a funny sketch. Yeah. No, it's, there's those ideas where like, I wish I could do this on stage or I wish I could do this, but it's either not for me or I don't have a venue to do this in. And I think that like, that's what that's, that's about the comedy brain.

Your brain is always working. And then you're like, I have to just share it with another comedian. So I know that it's actually funny and then I can relax and I can move on to not thinking about Hitler. What's it like to not think about Hitler? No, but I think, I mean, people ask me all the time, like, what's off limits? And I really don't think anything's off limits. I think it's all about delivery and also about who the comedian is.

Because like every time somebody goes, comedians can't say what they want to say. I'm like, have you seen Anthony Jesselman? Yeah. Yeah. Have you seen Jim Norton? Like there are comedians who say, who say the things that we think they're not allowed to say, but they've established that those are the rules of the game. If you're going to come through here, these are the rules of engagement.

And so I don't want to be, I think sometimes people think I would be against those kind of comedians. I'm like, no, I'm for all of it. Just be honest about it. I think it really, the problem is when comics who actually aren't about that life. They sort of step into that and then they get pushed back and then they say, I can't say what I want to say. No, but you got to be able to take the heat and Jesselnick and Norton and many other

comedians can take the heat. I think like a couple of weeks ago, there was a clip that went around of Joey Diaz from years ago on the, on Joe Rogan's podcast saying something that was like, you know, just a comic being a comic saying, and whether it's true or not, it's hard to know, but he was saying something that if it was true is horrible. And so there was this effort to cancel him. And he, I saw, I've listened to his podcast sometimes, he was just like, how can you cancel me?

Like, look at me. This is who I am. This is exactly who I am. This is the kind of comedy I do. He said, he says he was joking, which, you know, that's a whole other thing. But the whole idea is that, is the whole idea is that you could, he couldn't be canceled because he's like, this is the space that I take up and whereas like some comedians who, when they get canceled, it's because, well, you don't really take up that space.

It's not really for you. Right. If you're a prop comic for 25 years, if you're a Gallagher and your joke is taking, you know, this person, oh, tennis elbow, because you take on a mannequin that has an elbow, that has a tennis racket duct tape to a mannequin's elbow and you go, oh, tennis elbow. And then you do, and then you do a 10 minute hunk on race that really goes over the line. Yeah. Yeah.

That's maybe go back to the, to the props. Yeah. No, I think that that's, I think there's just a natural thing in comedy where we're trying to find the line and just sort of play with the line. But I do think that, you know, the idea of people getting canceled is also overstated. It doesn't happen. People sometimes have to take a break. Like I just, you know, it's funny, I'm doing all this press.

I sat down to do an interview on Extra. Just go, oh, you're booked on Extra and I sat down and then the interviewer sat down on the Zoom call and it was Billy Bush and I was like, whoa, hey man. How you been? Right. Like, I just, and I'd forgotten that he'd been rehired. It's like, who was more canceled than him, you know, and I'm pretty sure Extra's not paying him by the hour.

I'm pretty sure he has like benefits and stuff. So I think I'm just saying, I just came here to say, I think Billy Bush is going to be our, yeah, that's my main, that's my main point. Really? So that's the whole point of the, of the, that's the whole point of my career. You know what, I think you're going to put that on your list of one of the greatest things ever. Billy Bush.

That and the almond milk and you know, it's all great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I think there's, I don't think there's anything wrong even with people trying to cancel someone. I just think that's, that's part of where we are in society. And if people want to give it a shot and I've had friends who try to get canceled, I mean, Tucker Carlson tried to cancel me at one point. So I get that.

I think that wouldn't be an honor though. No, it was, it was, believe me, I bring it up every time I can. I mean, is there a way you can get that in writing and frame it? I mean, I had a whole plan this season of United, if there wasn't a coronavirus, I was gonna go to Fox News headquarters and be like, Tucker, I'm down here. Let's talk it out, let's talk it out.

But, so I think that's just part of free speech, is like that's part of the pushback and people who didn't have access to their voices or couldn't, people who were offended by things who couldn't get their voice out to say they're offended now can and I think that's part of the, that's part of the prize of free speech, but I don't think as many people are getting canceled

as people say are getting canceled. The people who are really getting canceled usually involves like, I don't know, crime, which I think is okay to cancel people over. Well, that's for you. I'm not trying to be controversial. That's for you and I disagree. It got really awkward in here.

I'm a kind of a pro-crime guy. If you can get away with it. I am a pro-crime guy. Yeah, I understand. You know, I think this. I mean, my favorite, literally, my favorite comedian of all time is Bill Hicks. Oh, of course, yeah.

Yeah, so it's like, I don't, and I'm sure, I mean, you know, Wishy was still here. I'm sure there's things that he said that like, you know, would get him canceled today. And there's things that he said that I didn't even agree with at the time, but I was like, wow, that's great writing and performance. You know what I mean?

And so I have room in my heart for like, I don't agree with that, also it's funny. But I think a lot of times right now, people don't have room in their heart for, I don't agree with that, also it's funny. Yeah, anything that, well, it's called being uncomfortable. It's called tolerating discomfort. I sometimes think that's the,

maybe one of the big issues we got right now. Well, I think it's, I think there is a sort of, like there's also a power dynamic in place that I think is legitimate. Like some people are like, I've never actually been allowed to tell you when I was uncomfortable before. Right.

So now that I have the ability, I'm gonna tell you every time I'm uncomfortable because I didn't have access to telling you I was uncomfortable before. And that's making other people uncomfortable, which I feel like, yeah, but you were never uncomfortable. Right. Like, so like, wait a minute.

And I think sometimes, you telling me that you're uncomfortable isn't going as well as I thought it would. Yes, that's the voice that you usually have. And I'm going to my wine cellar. When I come back, I don't want any more of this discomfort. I will smoke my coffee, but I will have some brandy

and we will re-adjourn and have a different discussion. Let's have a discussion about something that's more comfortable. Listen, I tried this thing about hearing what you have to say and I think it was unenough. It's, I think that sometimes that's what, there's like this weird like, well, this person has never been had access to their voice

and they're excited and they now do. You've always had access to your voice, but we can't act like these are like, both sides are having a different, are having a, both sides have a point here. It's like, I think that's the thing I also don't want to, I don't want to look like I'm saying that either. Right.

Well, it's too late. I mean, I can cut this any way I want. That's true, that's true. We're going to take out individual vowels and when it comes out, you're going to, it's going to be you saying, I think Trump has done a good job. I think things in race are progressing too quickly.

Too quickly. All wives matter. Let's slow things down a bit. I think that most of these problems were solved in the sixties. Oh, please, this is us having a moment where this, I always loved the thing that's so wrong. I can do.

I had a really, right now my brain is like, yeah, my brain is like, nope, skip that one. When we're friends, I will tell you those things. When we're friends. When I get a notarized document that says we're friends, I will then, I will then control. Yeah. No, it is, it is one of those things where

that's a riff that you and I would go on for a long time. And if we, if we weren't, it would go much further if it was just the two of us. Yes. But that's not bad. We got to go pretty far. Yeah. No, we got, I feel pretty good about it.

I feel pretty good about it. I would invest major money in having that cut together and then inserting you saying that clearly altered and then me saying, gee, I don't know. I can't agree with you. I just can't agree with you. And so I'm the more sensitive and in a way, and I'm the one that's more in touch about race.

And I'm like going, you know what? No, I don't think. I think there's more advances we can make. I disagree. I disagree. I have to fundamentally disagree. I think black people have gotten places. Awesome.

Me? The European. Yeah. Six Sian's of the Wayans Brothers TV show? Yeah. Yeah. Look, why can't you be happy with that? That's, God, that's plenty.

It was plenty. It was a lot. It was a lot. Thank God, sake. Fits me ditching about something, man. Yeah. Always bitching about something. Okay, if we're going to be friends,

and by the way, it's ultimately going to be your call. It's gonna be your call. You have that control. Well, I appreciate that, but I'm open to it. I'm the, you know, what are we doing if we're not building friendship? Yeah, that's true. Well, we're also, there's gonna be some ads in here.

So we're making money. Yeah. Well, no, we gotta monetize our friendship. There's a pandemic. What are we talking about? I got curious. Now, can we ask you, is your wife, does your wife, is she a good laugher?

Is she, you think you're funny? Yeah. Actually, our first day we met, I ended up getting a last minute gig at Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco. And so the first day we met, we were working on a theater show. And I was like, hey, lady who I just met,

who I think I might have some interest in, wanna see me kill at a comedy club when I open with 10 minutes. And so she came and saw me at the first night, she saw me do stand up. And yeah, she's not only a good laugher, she's actually a good comedy writer and a good comedy mind, but I forget sometimes,

that somebody will compliment me on a joke. And I'd be like, thanks, I remember when I wrote that, I was, and she'd be like, no, I wrote that. And I'm like, oh, yeah, that's, when I say I wrote it, I remember when I heard you say it. And then I told myself that I wrote it. I do that except about having our children with my wife. I'm like, I remember when I had these children,

she's like, what? Oh, I'm sorry. I guess it was your vaginal canal. We're gonna be a prick about it. But anyway, when I brought forth this life using only my seed. Yes, I've had three kids, I've tried not to be the main and says, we're pregnant.

We're pregnant, how do we do that guy? No, no, no, we're not pregnant. We're having a baby. She is, I get access to the baby, if I ask. You get a text that you're allowed to. I'm basically leasing children in, but I never had no option to buy. It's currently, she renews the lease on my kid.

Yeah, you can hang out a little while longer. He's been renewed. He just got renewed. I gotta pick up, I gotta pick up on my children. And we added another cute one because it was starting to get a little stale. We added a new baby. Like every girl.

So how many do you have? How many kids? Three, I got a nine year old, five and a half year old and a two year old. You got a two year old. Which is, like I said, I was only child, so to me it makes no sense at all, I don't understand. Whose idea was this?

No, I came from one of six. So we had, I assumed, we never talked about it and I could just kind of assume, you always assume that you're gonna replicate your childhood. So after our second child, I said, well, when's the next one? And she said, you're not to touch me again. Mic drop, I walked out of the room.

But weirdly, there was another kid. Where'd that one come from? I don't acknowledge that child. You're not to touch me, but your side piece. It's property on the side of my yard is my side piece. I understand, I understand, I understand. No, I don't, like I say, my oldest kid who's nine is like half of an only child

because for the first three and a half years of her life, she was living that only child life. And then, and so she still remembers that. And so for her sometimes, when she has these moments of like, cause it now is the oldest one, she has all the responsibility. And sometimes she's like, ah, and I'm like, yeah, I know, you had a good life.

I know what you're experiencing cause I lived that life my entire life. I know, I know it was good, wasn't it? Yeah, a lot of people to worry about. I don't know why you wanted to have all these kids. You know, I like that you went for it communically with your wife the first time you met her because I did the same thing with my wife.

Liza, our first date. We got in a cab together to go and see a movie and I just went for it. I just, I did the thing I always do, Sonya for a million times, I heard a mutter like Popeye and got like, and I'll do it in the cab. And the guy would be like, so you want to go to 34? And I'd be like, that'd be a good idea.

And I make little noises. And I do it sort of at a pitch where the cabbie can't, I don't think the cabbie can really hear it. But I was like, oh, I think it's taking a right. Oh, that's a good idea. And Liza was like, what the, she didn't say anything. She just thought, oh, he's fucking crazy. He's absolutely fucking crazy.

But I thought she needs to know now that this was the deal because I was very interested in her and was already thinking this is the one. I need to show her my hideous scar up front. Yes, yes. No, that was the way it was with Melissa because I had had other girlfriends who were like, so when I started doing comedy,

I had started dating a woman and she was sort of like waiting for me to quit, basically. When you get over this and then you can take over your dad's insurance business, which was actually a thing. And then my next girlfriend was like kind of into it. But by the time I got to Melissa, I was like, this is what it is.

And so either come out with me to the comedy clubs and hang out and make friends with my friends. Or I don't know if this can work. And she did all that. So she is like friends with a lot of comedians that I know. And she can hang out. And so it gets what the life is. I'm not living that life anymore.

But I feel like she definitely accepted and thought I was funny and would tell me when I wasn't funny and when I needed to work on that tag. Yeah, that's the part I can't tolerate. I want to... Collaboration. I like here honesty.

Exactly. This is all not ringing true to me. Yes. I like the part where it's like... People who have your best interest in her. Yeah. I'm going to the wine cellar again. People who want you to succeed and do better.

Be a better version of yourself. Please. And inspire you to be a better person. I am as God made me. No, I like to hear really funny, great job. There's no one like you. And then when it rakes into this territory of being honest with me emotionally,

that's when I have to go to my, you know, cellar and think about things. Okay. No, I think you keep me down to earth pretty much. Yeah. I think everybody around you does. Everybody. I'm surrounded by people who constantly...

That's to me that. ...in turns on my cellar like, hmm, no, maybe next time. You know, I'm like, you fucker. Yeah. You're a sophomore in college. Thought this would be better. Yeah.

Thought you'd be funny. Yeah. Anyway. You know, I always look for optimism and I know we're in this incredibly intense time. I do and I hate it when people say laughter is the best medicine because I respond, no. If I'm in need of, if I'm really sick, laughter is not going to do shit.

You know? Yes. So I was at this event and it was Norman Lear, the late Carl Reiner, and Bob Newhart. And I think it was Norman Lear at one point who just said, and I think it's like Norman Lear is maybe 97 and Carl Reiner is 96 and Newhart's, I think he's only 40, 40,

he just doesn't take care of himself. Yeah. Child genius. He was a child boy. Yeah. And just really needs to get to the gym. Yeah. But vegetables.

But they were all talking and they were all hilarious and they're in their late 90s. And I think it was Norman Lear who said, I know it sounds like a cliche, but in my profession I've laughed every day. I've laughed really hard every day and it is life giving and I really believe that's why we're all here and there's a lot of discussion about where we are

and how can we improve and how can we get better. And I do think it's like, well, everyone needs to spend more time with each other and enjoy the things that humans enjoy together, which is laughing. I mean, it sounds laughing and cocaine. Oh, no. You just made me agree to that.

I was like, yep, yep, yep. Oh, no. That's the headline. When I do that, when I do the re-editing, I am a big user of cocaine. Okay, come out. Come out. This is not the place.

This is not the time for the place. There is no drug that I am not trying. Oh my God. I'm down for the party. Oh, no. Who says that anymore? Come out. Anybody got some?

Okay. But yeah, I do feel like even coming over here today to this studio, which has been boiled and scrubbed of coronavirus, I was really looking forward to talking to you. And I thought we're always passing each other. We've done it. There's a few times we've had an opportunity to talk.

But one of the things I really love about the podcast is really getting to spend some time with someone I admire and who I know is going to make me laugh and I'll feel better afterwards. And so I thank you for that. It really was the whole idea of this podcast is very selfish, which is I just want to force people to hang out with me who I really like.

And so I'm really thrilled that you were able to do this. I mean, it was happy to do it. I've been wanting to do it since it first came out because I also felt like talking like this is so much better than when you see people out in the world or we're on your show or whatever. Like this is the kind of way that you feel like you really get to know somebody.

And as I've said before, you're someone who I've looked at is like that's the way to do it. That's the way to have integrity in your career. So I appreciate that. Well, thank you. I'm sure you also admire me physically as a physical specimen. Certainly that's a part of it. I'm pitching myself as a side piece.

It's been an honor to be the guest on the very last episode of Friendly Need for Friend. Because I am now friends. Goodbye, everybody. Thanks for tuning in. You had a great career. Anyway, thank you so much for doing this. And like it or not, you are my friend.

And you're allowed to bail at any point. As Sonoma will tell you, it gets really irritating really fast. It's true. Well, as an only child, I'll leave it any time. You just ghost me, right? Yeah, I'll just ghost you. All right, God bless you, sir. Thank you.

Thank you. We'll talk again some day, friend. Sonoma, I'd like to address an issue. You contacted me? No, please. This is not me reprimanding you in any way. People sometimes forget when I listen to the podcast that you do work for me.

Yes. It can probably come across in the podcast that I work for you or we're somehow equals. No. You do work for me. And the other day you contacted me. This has happened, I think, in the past. So the scenario, you went to a gas station.

I went to a gas station and I took my wallet out and I put it on top of my car. And I remember saying to myself, don't forget your wallet's on top of your car. I forgot my wallet was on top of my car. Oh, no. I drive off and then about an hour later, I go in to get my wallet and it's just not there.

So it's gone. Normally you'd think, oh, that's too bad for Sonoma. But let me tell you something, dear listener. This is bad news for me because Sonoma has my credit card. Yes. She has my credit card, a copy of my credit card so that when she buys something for me, a certain medication that older men need.

Wait, what? Well, I don't know. Some sort of cream or balm that an older gentleman who's failing needs to rub into certain areas. Oh, my God. Those are some of the things you need to buy me, right? You know, or a special seat that raises the toilet higher so I can get to it.

What? What I'm having? Wait, what? I don't know. I'm projecting ahead into the future like two years. You know, like, you buy things for me all the time with my credit card, so my credit card was missing. Yes.

And I was in the midst of trying to buy something on Amazon and you said grab bars just so I could get into the shower. Wait, what? Nobody needs to know these things. I think people should know that all the way up here, very youthful, I was born in 1914. I've had a lot of work done. But anyway, you told me the cards, I lost my wallet.

I left it on top of my car and then I think you said you drove around and you did donuts and wheelies and parking lots and stuff. Yeah, I did. I drag raced. Yeah, you drag raced. Yeah, I drifted. You drifted.

You did the old Tokyo Drift. I did. A lot of people don't know that Sona is a street racer. Yes. She often leaves her wallet on top of the car and she street races in a Kia. By the way, a little shout out for Kia. We're not getting paid for that.

That's free money for you. You're near a hybrid. Yeah, that's right. You went for that. That hybrid life. You went for the hybrid because that thing can drift. Anyway, you go off zipping around, right? Yelling out your window and doing wheelies

and the wallet goes flying off somewhere. We don't know where. And it's got a card on it that goes right to my bank. Two cards. Two. Oh, two. One goes to your personal and the other one is my corporate card which goes to your corporate entities.

Oh, right, that's right. That's right. Various corporate entities. What am I? Mr. Montgomery Burns? Yes, you are, actually. My mind, ah, yes. Smithers.

Smithers. Look at this Sona. I like the cut of her jib. Sorry, you've been working with Sona for well over 10 years. Ah, I don't recall. And you said I now have to blow, I've just blown up all your credit cards and I was right in the midst.

Actually, I know what I was buying. I was buying a rash guard. Okay. I was. I was buying one of those things you wear in the ocean because I do a lot of swimming these days and it keeps you from getting sunburned. You know the surfers wear them.

Sorry. I'm sorry. So you blew that up because I couldn't get my rash guard. Yeah. And now if you lose Conan O'Brien's card. Oh, God. You know, you're putting Conan O'Brien in jeopardy. Yeah.

You're putting Conan O'Brien's family in jeopardy and his finances in jeopardy. And I want to know how you're going to make this right. Here's the thing. It's not the first time. Oh, no, no, no, no. This has happened many times and always with hilarious scenarios. Yeah.

I want to say it's, it's happened less than, like maybe six months ago. I lost my whole wallet. Yes. You've lost your wallet since I've known you about nine times. Yeah. It's always a story like, you know, when you are at the carnival and you go on that thing that drops you really fast.

I wanted to see what it was like if the wallet would fall faster or I would fall faster. So as it was about to drop, I threw my wallet in the air and then I couldn't find it afterwards. And nine of your cards were in there. Plus the only original copy of your birth certificate. Yes. Sorry.

You know what? You make jokes, but one time my laptop was stolen. It wasn't password protected and every single one of your contacts were just in there. Now, fortunately, I have, as we've established, I have very few friends. That was really bad. I actually got really nervous about that one.

Yeah. No, no, no, but it wasn't. It's not like I had A-list celebrities in there and I, well, whatever. You know, I'm really close with Charlize Theron. They're very close friends. I mean, and if it's more than that, that's whatever. I don't know who put that out there.

I see. Yeah. She starts Charlize Theron and then on parentheses it says, someday something could happen, even though I'm married and she isn't really close with me and has no interest. And it's not her number. It's like your mom's number. Yeah, but my mom answers and those are good calls.

Those are good conversations. I was like, hello? Well, I don't know who that is, but do you know Conan? Oh, yes. Well, Conan. Well, let me tell you something. He took a long time to toilet train. I'd get calls from his college dean that he had soiled the bed.

It sounds like you were raised by Ronald Reagan. Well, well, well, well. My mother did once. She once came into my room when I was a kid and she said, Mr. Corbett, care down that wall. I was like, mom, what are you talking about? Well, well. Yeah.

So what are you going to do? What's the solution? Yeah, how do we do this? I mean, first of all, you blew up the card, right? So the card is worthless to whoever finds it and tries to extort us. Everything is really worthless, I think. You know, they can't even steal my identity because it's an old address on my license. Maybe, I don't know.

But are there anything in your wallet that could be harmful to me that it found? Like you have some information about me that would be very embarrassing. I'm sure. No, because I lose my wallet often. I downsized it. And so now it's very easily replaceable anytime I lose it. So you basically made it so that your wallet is something you can throw away at the end of every day. Yes.

Right? Yes. The one thing that I really do miss is my Costco card. But that I have, I can just go and replace it. But I mean, nothing else is replaceable. I think Costco would be very happy to give you another card. Why? Why?

They want you to go there and buy a box of raisin bran that's the size of a refrigerator. I don't know why people need a box of raisin bran that's the size of a refrigerator. But apparently that's what America wants. I love Costco. You know what I love about Costco? They get the amounts right. They give you a lot of something. This is something my wife does that makes me crazy.

She's, you know, she's a wasp. She's grew up in this sort of Episcopalian family where they all ate the right amount of food. And they purchased an appropriate amount of food that would sustain them for that day. And then they appreciated it and they ate all of it and it was done and they weren't full, like too full. Bullshit. That's not how I grew up. Yeah. My mom, she would go to the grocery store and just buy all this shit.

And then she would come and throw it in the way they throw meat into a lion's, you know, den of like nine lions at the zoo. And we would all tear at it and gnash at it. And we wouldn't even take the packaging off. We'd just be like, she'd just throw a giant thing in there, like a ham that needs to be cooked. And we'd just start calling and ripping at it. Yeah. When she introduced us to our youngest, Justin, we started eating him. We thought, yeah, we thought it was food.

And she was like, no, that's your newborn brother. He's 10 years younger than Yukon. And I was like, oh, and that's why he still has a, well, he's got a mangled right arm. Okay. My point is my wife, she will go to the store and she'll come back and she'll find, she'll buy this, these great potato chips. And it'll be in this little bag. My wife does that too. Yes.

Thank you. Thank you. And if there's food in the house that I want to eat that she doesn't want to eat, I have to keep it hidden from her in my office. What? Because she would eat it. Like bottles of vodka? No, that's a different story. Yeah.

Just giant bottles of vodka. That's called alcoholism, gorely. Is it? Oh, God. It's not her fault though. Because it's a food I like called vodka. And I need to hide it from her. But do you hide your food from your wife?

It's not me hiding it because I want to keep it from her. She says you need to take these because I will eat them. But I can't keep food that I like in a pantry where it normally will be. I don't understand. I don't fully either. It's like a cookie. Let's say there's a bag of cookies that I want to eat. She won't let me keep it in the pantry because she's afraid she'll eat it.

Why can't she have a cookie? Because she doesn't want to eat them, but she won't be able to stop herself. I get it. I get it. Okay, well, this is the problem. My wife's also one of those people and it's infuriating who she eats all kinds of stuff. And she just always looks amazing. And I'm made of...

What's the word? Genetically? Shit. I made of shit. And so she's always saying, oh, I got you a treat. I got you some cheese popcorn. My weakness is cheese popcorn. That is my weakness.

I find a kind of cheese popcorn where they put nine popped kernels in a bag, a very small bag. And it says, made with love in Portland. It's Jeremiah and Charlotte's cheese popcorn. Eight kernels are popped and put in wrapping that costs much more than the actual cone. And then it's lovingly sold to your wife who gives it to her husband who eats it in one mouthful. You've seen me eat. I'm a monster. It is horrifying.

But yeah, I mean, it sounds like she's just looking out for you. How dare she? Right? I know. My God. I'm going to talk. I should make my own decisions. Yeah.

Anyway, did they get my Costco card when they stole your Costco card? What? No, you don't go to Costco. I was trying to... What were you trying to do? I don't know. Just sort of act like I'm down with the people. No one bought it.

I had a Costco card about 10 years ago. But I'd go in there and people were like, oh my God, it's really him. You know, kiss me, kiss me. And I can't do that. That's weird. I've gone in public places with you. No one's ever said that. It only happens at Costco.

They think you're the Costco version of Conan O'Brien. Yeah. There's a Trader Joe's version of Conan. There's like a really high-end... A pavilion. A pavilion's version of Conan. Yeah. And I am the Costco version of Conan.

I am oversized. No one's that thrilled about me, but there's a lot of me. There's a lot of me. And I last a long time. And I know me and say, because I don't. No one thought that when you said I last a long time. No one. And now we are together.

I know. I think that's the way I said it too. And I last a long time. No one who lasts a long time. I last a long time. Oh, how have you know? Wow. Well, huh?

What happened? What? Anyway, please be careful with your next wallet. I will try. All right. Well, yeah. I am probably going to lose my wallet again. All right.

But yeah. I'll try not to. Do me a favor. Just... I don't care what happens to your cards. I really don't. Oh, thank you for your concern. But when it comes...

Well, whatever. Yeah, it's nice of you. No empathy. But anyway, I'm sorry. Can't feel for others. Social path. Yes. Well, whatever.

Yes. Small truth. I just know he says... Okay. Yes, I say things. Yes. Don't care about it. Just myself.

Okay. Okay. Anyway, my card must be safeguarded. And you've got to do something because I'm a national treasure. And if my card's missing, it's like you lost the nuclear codes. Oh, is it the same thing? Pretty much. Is it though?

Pretty much. So you don't care about anything else in my wallet. You don't care about my insurance card, my license. You just care about your credit card. Let me be very clear about this. If it affects me directly, I care. Okay. If it doesn't, I don't feel anything.

Okay. I don't feel anything inside. That's normal. Yeah. Yeah. I watch those commercials on TV, those PSAs, where they show like, oh, this animal needs a home. And I just, I'm looking at it.

I'm like, why are they showing this to... I feel nothing. I feel nothing inside. That's good. That's why I make so many noises and talk all the time. Just to cover up the lack of a soul. I think this is going to be a good season. I quit.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

The show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.