Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - We DO Talk About Bruno

Episode Date: March 2, 2023

Conan talks with Bruno in Madrid about working as an airline pilot and tips for giving alarming news from the cockpit.

Hi Bruno, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan! Hi there Bruno, how are you? Good, good on yourself. I'm doing very well. Very happy to speak to you Bruno, where are you right now? Likewise, I'm coming from Madrid, Spain. Oh Madrid, you're in Madrid? Get far away.

You know what, I have not been to Madrid and I've always wanted to go and it sounds like an amazing, amazing city to be in Madrid. Yeah, it's a cool place. People tend to compare it to Barcelona, but it has nothing to do with it really. It's less party here, much more culture and things like museums to visit. So it's a different vibe, but it's a really nice place. You know, I don't want to start any trouble, but Barcelona or Barcelona, depending on how you like to hang, they're always going on about their paella and it's always shrimp

in paella and do you want some more paella? Oh, did you like your paella? Guess what we have for you? More paella. No, I say enough. That's why I'm more interested in Madrid. I don't want to be that guy, but it's actually paella, not paella. No, no, no, no.

Excuse me. You're like 80 percent there. I'm sorry. I don't want to correct you, but Bruno, it's try again. It's paella. Okay. I might have been doing it wrong my whole life. Yes.

I might be that. You've been living in Spain and you're not saying it correctly. I'm from Massachusetts and it's paella. All right, I'll try to relearn it. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to come and speak and teach you how to speak. So listen, I don't mean to be forward or anything, but you are a very good-looking young man. That's one of the first things I noticed, that you are very easy on the eyes.

Yeah, we love you. Oh, what? That's flattening. No, but you must, I bet people must comment on that quite often. They must say, oh, you're a handsome fellow. No, not really, like maybe in the Spanish genetic pool, I'm like average, I'll say. Oh, really? Maybe on the lower side of average and...

Come on. No. I don't think so. But basically what you're saying is that everybody walking around Madrid is incredibly handsome. A race of sex people. Yeah. Yeah, man.

You have to face it, Conan. Yeah, well, here's the problem. Now I don't want to because if you are considered a solid C plus in Madrid, I don't want to go there because I'm barely getting by here in Los Angeles and for me to go to Madrid and suddenly everybody is just incredible looking is going to be terrible for my self-esteem. Well, you know, you did a good job in Israel where there is a lot of handsome people, so... I know, but I think... You did a good job.

Yeah. Just existing there. Yeah. You did okay just being there. Everyone in Israel thought I was a delightful older woman. They thought, what a nice, what a nice pensioner. She seems terrific. That's what I got a lot in Israel.

So... You might get confused for a Finnish politician. That's true. That's true. It's happened before. It's happened before. So here's my question for you, Bruno. What do you do?

So I work as an airline pilot. You're a... Oh, come on. Oh, my God. Bruno... That's like an attractive job as well. Yes. These two just want to be you.

Yeah. You don't, you have no idea who you are. You're a very good looking guy from Madrid who's an airline pilot. Oh, my God. I mean, you've got it made. I don't know. I don't know. What do you mean?

I don't know. You're lying to me. Daddy's got a guitar in the background. He's humble? Yeah. You just can't get cooler. Yeah. Come on.

When you're wearing the uniform, I just bet it's magic. I have to say. Do you have the hat? Could you put it on in Dolgis? Oh, my God. What? No, no, no. No way.

No. I'm not calling for that. So, um... I lost. Women only come and ask me about where is the baggage claim built and stuff. Oh, but listen. Let me tell you something, Bruno. That's the oldest come on in the book.

Women are constantly saying to me, excuse me, do you know where the luggage thing is? And I know right away that's code for, I am DTF, you know? And guess what? Then suddenly everybody's upset because I misread the situation and they just wanted to find the luggage compartment. Oh, my God. So, what's it like? You are...

I'm sorry. I'm trying to wrap my mind around this, Bruno. You travel the world. You're a very good-looking and humble airline pilot from Madrid. You've got the accent, the look. You're wearing the... The uniform have little epaulettes on the shoulders? Yep.

Damn it! I want it. We're epaulettes. I would... I have to say, if I was flying and you were in the cockpit, I would just keep making excuses to come up and talk to you. I would. I know.

And not in that way. You know, I'm... In a hijacking way. Yeah, exactly. That can come by a bit suspicious, yeah. So, wow. Do you like being an airline pilot? Yeah, I love it.

Yeah. It's a very nice gig. It's not for everyone, though. It's got its ups and downs. Okay. All right. That's what candy's for me. Yeah, he is.

So, wait. So, what are the... I mean, I know the upsides would be your traveling. You've got the uniform with the epaulettes. There's lots of upsides, as far as I can see. What are the downsides? Well, it's not very easy to mix it with your personal life. You know, you work a lot of weekends and bank holidays.

You're away from home. So, yeah, it's a bit hard to organize your life, really. So, you really need to love it, yeah. Yeah, probably hard to establish a steady, stable relationship. You're probably forced to have many different relationships in different... A string of them. One after the other. A string of them.

Different cities. Just keep it in your pocket. And it's so hard not to mix the names, you know. Oh, Calvin. Hey. Don't indulge. Bruno, tell me about it. Okay?

Because, you know, I wasn't an airline pilot, but, you know, talk show host, podcaster. Different town every night. Oh, you've got it all. Your lives could not be more different. The two of you could not be more different. You are my exact opposite, Bruno, in every way. Yeah, I can see that. Do you think I would make a good pilot, Bruno?

Do you think I have what it takes? Bruno. Oh, come on. Maybe... And he's honest. Well, tell me. Be honest, Bruno. Give your assessment.

So, I think maybe your... the length of your legs would be an issue with the rudder pedals. Oh. So, that's something to have in mind. But maybe if they make a special cockpit for you, you know, maybe... A special cockpit? What am I, the elephant man? Okay, here's my other... I want to be honest with you, because I don't know how this works, but I tend to panic a

lot. I was wondering. I get very panicky, and I might be someone who would constantly be putting the plane into a power dive or a power climb. Is that going to be an issue? Yeah, you could be an aerobatic pilot. Maybe like a very panicky aerobatic pilot. Okay, all right.

Maybe that's my field. I don't... I also don't think you're going to be putting others at ease if you're in that kind of tent situation. There's a lot of turbulence. Yeah, I'd probably say, hey, attention, ladies and gentlemen, this is the most turbulence I've encountered. I don't know what the fuck's going on.

I don't know about you, but I'm trying to open my window and get off this plane! Those are the kind of announcements that I would be giving. Would you be comfortable having me in the cockpit with you? No. No, and I think you would probably enter the flight deck with a parachute too, so... Yes. I'd have a parachute on my chest and my back, and I'd be holding a vomit bucket. And I'd have my airline's pilots hat on backwards and sideways, so it would be a bad look all

around. Oh, man. So you travel the world, do you think we'll be seeing you soon? Do you get to Los Angeles ever, or do you fly shorter routes? All the moment, I'm flying short-haul, so yeah, basically five hours or less of flight time, all within Europe. Some parts of Africa, or maybe Israel or Jordania, places like that. And let me ask you, when you've landed the plane and you're in a foreign country and

now they say, okay, you don't have to report back to work for 24 hours, do you go to a club? Where do you go? Do you go out dancing? What do you like to do? Yeah, it really depends, I'm a big foodie, so I like to find places to eat that are kind of nice. I really like pizza.

So throughout Europe, you'll be surprised outside of Italy how many good pizza places there are. So I have my own ranking of best pizza places in Europe. What's your favorite pizza that you've had so far in the world? In the world. Well, it has to be in Naples. That's a star. Yeah.

Guess what? I went to Naples on a travel show and I took an associate of mine there and we went to a place called Sorbillo. And Sorbillo. Sorbillo. And it was, I wept the pizza was so good. I was crying. It's the best pizza marinara I've ever had in my life, pizza margarita, whatever you

call it, just a cheese pizza with sauce. I wept, openly wept, and I am not an emotional man, you know? I feel like you're, you're, you're bringing this up because you want to take Bruno there. On a date. Bruno, I would love to take you out for a pizza, it doesn't have to be Sorbillo. I would love to take you out on the condition that I also get to wear an airline captain's uniform. I want to know what it's like to go out with you as your wingman dressed as an airline pilot.

An actual wingman. I want to be an actual wingman. I want to be dressed as an airline pilot. And I want you to, I want us to meet up with other people, strangers, and I want you to help me with the lie that I am a great airline pilot. You need to play along. Would you be able to do that? 100%.

I think as long as we don't get into any specifics, any technical terms, I think we sold it. 100%. 100%. What do the wings do? How do the flaps work? Yes. That could be a problem. Yeah.

But I'm going to, if I came and visited you, I would make my own airline pilots uniform. The coolest airline pilots uniform ever. And we would go out and we would hit the clubs and we would tell people that, yeah, we, we are both airline pilots. Let's role play this. You and I are two foxes out at a club and come these two handsome pilots. Yeah. Let's try it out right now.

Bruno. Okay. We just walked into the club. We go up to the bar. There are these two lovely ladies right here. Okay. Hey ladies. How are you?

I'm pretty good. I'm good too. Oh my God. I'm already a girl. I don't need to do that. Oh my God. It's too chef-pointy. We're going to the next table.

Yeah. No. Oh, look at you. Both of you. A couple of train conductors. What are you? Train conductors, what are you? We are not train conductors, madam.

This is my good friend Bruno. Are you Maytag man? No, no. These epaulets are only for experienced airline pilots. Bruno is a pilot in training, aren't you Bruno? Yes. I have a whooping two flying hours. Yes.

Yeah. He's done two flying hours and I of course am one of the most experienced airline pilots of all time and a war ace. I shot down 17 planes. Did you say he had two flying hours? Wow, that's impressive. Okay, well let's say. No, I want to hear more about Bruno.

Hi Bruno. No, listen, Bruno doesn't- Could you run and get us a couple Shirley temples? No, I'm not going to leave. Don't be mistaken. Bruno was, he's been charged with some crimes but not convicted. Ooh, dangerous. Bruno, is this man bothering you?

I'm not talking about Bruno, I'm here too. If we don't talk about Bruno- Listen, Bruno does have a terrible skin condition. Don't you Bruno? Yeah, it's all tan. I might look 25 years old but I'm actually 95 so I can hear that. Oh yeah, he's 95. Oh, well then we better get started quick.

No, no, no, oh my god. His urethra's a mess, you don't want to- It was damaged in a bicycle accident several years ago. Oh my fetish. Yeah. God dammit! Bruno always wins! You always win Bruno!

Oh man. Bruno, we're going to hit the clubs, okay? You're my wingman. We're going to do a good- Anytime. It's going to be great. 100%. Did you have a question for me Bruno? Anything I can do to help you?

Yeah, so sometimes as airline pilots we need to convey messages that are not so good for the customers. Oh my god. The engine's on fire and we have to divert to another aircraft, to another airport, whatever. So do you have any tips for me? Yeah, I would start with- I would start with don't tell them the engine is on fire. Say- But they can see it through the window.

Yeah, oh sure. No, no, no, no. That's- you say that's- first of all you say if you see flames out the window that's because we're testing something for the government. It's all fine. We're actually- we're cooking. We're cooking some omelets in there. But no, you don't tell them anything like the engine is on fire or we just lost our

airline and our landing gear. You don't tell them that you lie. My advice would be lie. Just tell them everything's fine- well don't say everything's fine because that means everything's not fine. Just say we're going to be landing quickly because one of the pilots is having- A baby. A baby.

Yeah. No, no, no. One of the pilots is crashing a little bit. His sugar level's a little low. We're going to stop and- He's got the poops. No, no. Non, he's got the poops.

He's got the mile high poops and we've got to get him down to- You create- yes. Okay, let's go with that. One of our pilots- a co-pilot, make it someone who's not that important. The guy who works the third radio man has the mile high poops. We're going to land and let him take care of that and everything's fine and ignore those flames out the window. That's where roasting a chicken in engine number two, okay?

Just lie. Okay, okay, perfect. Have you had an engine catch fire? And have you had the mile high poops? My question first, then your answer. Have you had the engine catch fire? That's not a method for any sort of snow cannon. What?

So, yeah, I know, but I haven't, I haven't. You haven't, you haven't had an engine catch fire. Yeah, it's just not, just don't tell people that. No one wants to know. If my life is going to end in some kind of crash, I don't want to know. I want to be lied to till the very end. I want to be in heaven or hell in my case for at least six hours before anyone explains to me what happened, okay?

Okay, I'll take that advice. Yeah, lie. To the one in my career. Lie. Lie to the passengers. They don't need to know. All right, I'm excited to meet Bruno. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm sorry, Sonia, but you're married, you know. Okay. Yeah. You know. So are you. No, that marriage is on the rocks after I met Bruno. Bruno, you home record.

Yeah. Bruno, you destroyed my marriage. Very cool talking to you, Bruno. And I hope we meet up one of these days. Okay. Likewise. We're going to, we are going to... Give me up if you come to Madrid, Conan.

We, you and I at a club in Madrid, we are going to kill it. It's going to be amazing. It's going to be incredible. You're going to buy so many drinks for people. Yeah. Because people are going to keep sending you away so they can have time alone with Bruno. Okay. That is totally.

That's true. What a shitty thing to say to me. They're going to set up a little VIP rope section just around Bruno. And you can't even get in. Bruno's going to leave with 11 women. Yeah. And I'm going to be standing there going, this bill is very high. How did I buy, I bought 75 mimosas.

All right, Bruno, you're my new hero. Thank you. Thank you guys. This was a blast. Take care. Nice talking to you. Bye bye. Subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine

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