Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Whitney Cummings

Episode Date: March 23, 2020

Comedian and actress Whitney Cummings feels stressed out about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Whitney and Conan sit down to talk about being a serious child, impetigo and epigenetics, and the stresses of planning a wedding. Later, Conan hears about his assistant Sona’s medical procedure. Check out Whitney’s latest comedy special Can I Touch It? on Netflix here. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Whitney Cummings. And I feel stressed out about being coding a R-I-E-S-F-R-E-I-D. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walk and lose, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I am joined as always by my trusty assistant, Sona Movsesian. Hello. Although your real name is Talline. Talline. But you decided to go with Sona? I didn't decide, my parents just started calling me Sona. How would they give you one name and then just start calling you another?

It's a long story, but Sona is my grandma's name and it's an old lady name. And so my parents were like, let's name her something hip. And so they named me Talline. And then my grandpa was like, why aren't you calling her Sona? That's my, you know, late wife's name. And so they just, when I was a month old, they stopped calling me Talline. It's awful. Wasn't that long, that story? Oh, I know your middle name. I don't need to. I'm Conan Christopher O'Brien. Matt Gorely is also joining us as always. Chris, do you have a middle name, Matt? Yeah, James.

Oh, Matt James. Matthew James. Matthew James. I thought you might be like a Ulysses or a Hallowicious. You know what I mean? You have that kind of, like you might have some kind of name like that, but that's a cool name. You got a good name. Yeah. I guess I just finally passed the test, huh? What are you talking about? I'm good to you. You sure we rib and Josh and Gallivant a little? Yeah. I grew up in a family with a lot of brothers and we used to just, you know, sort of bump up against each other, like cubs playing.

When I cuff you, I'm like a giant bear tearing at a small defenseless cub. I grew up in a family of polite kind people. God. Yeah. So what happened? How did you get out of there? Civilized. Yeah. That sounds boring. I grew up quite differently. There were too many of you. What's that? There were too many of you. That's not a nice thing to say about my family. Six is too many kids. Yeah. So which ones do you think shouldn't exist? Where do you come in that? I'm kind of in the middle.

Justin for sure should exist. Neil, I like Neil. I like Luke. I like Kate. I like Jane. Okay. Yeah. Let's go with those. Yeah. Those five. Okay. All right. Well, I'm not even trying to figure out who's missing there. I'm going to get the picture. Yeah. I was going to ask you guys something because I will admit I'm not an expert on podcasts and we've determined that, but I'm confused about something. I went to an event at my son's school and this guy came up to me who's jacked, really in good shape. And he said, hey, Conan, I really love the podcast.

And I said, oh, thank you very much. And he said, yeah, I do this really intense workout. He does like a 40 minute, get your heart rate up. Don't stop burpees using every muscle group, explosive action, workout. And he says, and I listened to the podcast during it. And I was totally mystified because, and I said to him, I can't imagine working out to this podcast. I understand. I do workout. And if you, you're only hearing my voice. But if you could see me, you'd say that's a guy that works out a lot. Oh, come on. You okay? Yeah.

Okay. But, but I do work out a lot, but I need to listen to music. Yeah. And I am a podcast fan, but I cannot be listening to conversation when my heart rate is at like 160. I think most people are that way. The reason I would listen to podcasts when I was working on it is because I need my brain to be distracted from how miserable I am working out and music wouldn't do it. Right. I need to be true. No, music completely does it for me. But not for me. Music makes me feel like I'm in a movie. And when that song is playing, I'm the hero and I've got to get up on the mountain. No, I'm serious. And I'm on the treadmill and I actually crank it up if it's a really good song I like.

I can, I can lift weights that I couldn't normally handle if it's a really good song. But listening to a reedy voiced, thin lipped, beady-eyed comic going, hmm, yes, well, good point. That doesn't sound like something that, that was me, by the way. I can't imagine. They can't see you. What? They can't see you. You say your voice? I just picture my voice in this medium not being appropriate to an high intensity workout. Yeah, it would be tough to work out that this podcast. That's what I think. Yeah.

Yeah. Or a lot of podcasts where they talk about glass figurines, you know, or butterflies, or do you know what I mean? A murder in Encino that was solved easily, but let's talk about it some more. Do you know what I mean? Like those podcasts. What music do you listen to that gets you really fired up? Uh, any show tune. What? Oklahoma, where the wind comes screaming down the plane, and the waving wheat nature smells sweet. That really gets you going?

Uh, it does. Okay. No, I listen to- Like metal? No, I don't listen to metal, but I listen to a mashup of all kinds of songs. And so you never know what I'm going to be listening to. I might be listening to some Beastie Boys, but I might also be listening to some brand new music like Coldplay's first album. So the stuff that just came out.

And it was all yellow. I like to go up to our interns and go, hey, how about that first Coldplay album? It's all yellow. You're making them all sound so cocky. I know. And they're all just not even alive then. No, they actually were not. They were not. They were not.

But anyway, if you're out there right now, now I feel self-conscious because maybe someone's listening right now. Right now? That guy probably is. Yeah, and I took him out of it. No, we can get him back in. Okay. Coach him back in. Hey, this is Conan and Brian. You can do it, man. You can do it. Run harder. Run faster. Come on, I'll sing a song that'll get you going.

And it was all yellow. I swept a chimney. I swept a Rio Good in my neighborhood. And it was all yellow. Mary Poppins, she says that I'm her chum. I have soot on my thumb. And it was all yellow. That guy's now, his heart rate is at 250. We don't have time for this foolishness. We have a great guest today.

Yeah. Terrific guest. My guest today is a very funny comedian, author, actress, and producer. She has appeared on Comedy Central Rose and was the co-creator of the CBS show Two Broke Girls. Her most recent special, Can I Touch It, is available on Netflix. And she now hosts the podcast Good For You. She's very excited. She's with us. Whitney Cummings, welcome.

I feel like there are so many different ways that you and I would probably connect. I always have a good time. The times that we've hung out, mostly in your house, you've got to close that window or I'm going to get in. I don't remember any of this, but you leave it. The relationship starts completely unconscious. When I see an open window and a trellis, I come in and chat. I'm called the hillside chatter.

I'd rather be strangled than this one. The hillside podcast. People are like, did he do anything? No. He didn't touch me. No, he came in and made me record a podcast. Yeah, he came in. We need to call the police. It was so great. He's struck.

So far, he's struck 45 different locations in the Pacific Northwest and California. What is he done? Mostly chatted, had nice conversations with women that ended with them deciding to be friends, but no more and no less. No, you know what's interesting is that we've hung out a couple of times in different situations and you're always very funny and very nice. And then I realized that we have some similarities, which is we've both spent some of our good chunk of our career doing self-deprecating stuff, which we can get into.

And also, one of the things that struck me is I think I heard you say once that you were a very serious kid. Yeah. And I thought, oh, okay, I got to ask her about that because that's the disconnect for a lot of people. They'll meet someone like you and they'll think, oh, she was class clown. Class clown. And this is where I can relate to you that I was deadly serious. I think for me, especially when I was a kid, I wanted to be taken very seriously. I was the youngest.

There were a couple of siblings. I couldn't get any attention. I thought being a serious adult was like, this is how I'm going to be equal to the adults. And I would read the dictionary and study words and try to say big words. And I think my opinions were just inherently funny. I wasn't trying to be funny. I was like, this is actually my take on this thing. And I thought I was engaging in a conversation and people would laugh.

And I was like, oh, I guess my hot take on this is just so ridiculous. It makes people laugh. I wasn't trying to be funny. So they were laughing at you trying to be serious. At my serious idea. That's humiliating. That's a serious bitch. I remember once my father, I was in a room with my father, I think, and my brother Luke.

And they were talking about something and they were both giving me a hard time about something. And I was on the couch and I think I would have been like, whatever, 14, 15, that kind of grumpy age. And I just kind of said, I said, like, I don't know why you guys are giving me a hard time. And I said to my dad, I'm the best one you've got. And my dad laughed really hard and my brother Luke laughed really hard. And I was like, what? I meant that to be serious. What you said was ridiculous, but it wasn't ridiculous to you.

Right. And I still feel like that's what I do. And I still think I'm the best they've got. Don't. We'll get the others on the phone and two of them will agree. Like, I remember even because I was in LA for like a year before I started stand up, maybe two years. And remember that show, Everyone Hates Chris, The Great Chris Rock Show. And someone was telling me about how the actor playing the kid was growing up, you know,

and they couldn't keep doing the show because the actor was getting bigger. And I remember going, oh, well, why don't they just make everything bigger so he looks smaller? Like, like a really big mug and like put him in like a really big chair. Right, right. And I thought that was just a good idea. And people started laughing. And I just like, I think I just have ridiculous. The only thing you did, the beard would have been a problem.

That's true. Like, we'd fix that in polls or something. The beard and the very deep voice would have been a problem. I usually just my solution to a problem that I truly think is a good idea. See, why is that funny? I think it's a good idea. Yes. And you know what?

It's a, it's a terrible idea. And that's why everyone's laughing. You're all jealous, you're all jealous. So that was my whole childhood was just like pitching an idea and people laughing and being like, I'm not, stop laughing. I was like, everyone laugh at me. I was like, stop laughing. I'm being serious.

Right, right. I used to, in our neighborhood, to be like these pickup games of basketball. And I mean very small neighborhood and very unathletic kids. So I don't want anyone to misinterpret that I was in like some kind of cool street basketball. But anyway, it was just local kids and we would play at the, and we would get together on this part of our street that had a basketball hoop and we would, and we'd play basketball. And all I would do when I was playing basketball was pretend to be different people.

And I would spend time explaining to everybody, now this guy, he does a lot of blow. He does a lot of cocaine and he's, he's a really selfish player. And he likes to show people the ball before he lays it out. And people would be like, what the fuck are you talking about? And I would say, now this other guy, this other guy, and I would make up these different people and I would spend a lot of time holding the ball and talking about who I am now. And that's when I think people started, I started to realize,

oh, okay, there's a problem here. Yeah. And maybe there's a way to, you know, utilize this. Was that like disassociating or were you like very conscious that you were doing character? I just, I think a lot of it's, it wasn't that conscious. I mean, I wasn't having a mental breakdown. That's what you mean. I wasn't having a...

I mean, it was just like, I remember seeing Robin Williams once at the comedy store and I felt like he was not totally in control of his talent. It was just like he was just going into characters and it was just so second nature to him. It's a gift, really, to be able to do that. Yeah, no, I am Robin Williams. If that's what we're taking from the story. And I remember Robin saying to me once, and no one else was around,

but he said, you were every bit as talented as me, if not more. I did, I heard that. Yeah, remember, so anyway, don't, don't, don't check, yeah. That's the best part about it. I mean, after people are gone, I've noticed there are celebrities that say, you know, I ran into them. Once the celebrity is gone, they go like, I remember they're running into them once and they said to me, whatever I can do, you're just so much better than me.

And you're like, is there anyone else around? Like, to corroborate the story. Yeah, does someone take a photo or can we get that in writing? I just didn't like that happen. They're probably getting you to go away. Like, didn't you really, do you know what I mean? When you see those when like, a celebrity passes away and then everyone like, I love picturing people going into their eye photo,

trying to find the photo of them with the dead celebrity, because everyone's just like scrambling. And then it's them with the dead celebrity and they're saying, I remember, this was one of the great days of my life. And it's just, the celebrity took a thousand photos that day. And you see the celebrity like trying to get away from them in the picture. Like, you know exactly how that went down. You know that the person was just trying to be nice,

but also it's like their way of commemorating the celebrity is bragging about how like, I wasted his time once. Right. And asked him for a photo at an airport. Right, right. And I remember when I took this photo, the athlete, the amazing athlete turned to me and said, you could have been so much greater than me.

I'm a fan of yours. I'm a fan of yours. In all the selfies I take with people on the street, it's clear they're trying to get away from me. Oh, that's what it is for me now, yeah. I make it go too long. Well, because I have so many questions about my own place in this business. And I'm always like, what do you know me from?

Just like, how do you know me? Like, I always wanted, and they're like, and then they start breaking down and being like, I don't know. I saw someone else take a picture with you and I just thought I would. Like, I don't really know. I thought you were a man to pee. Like, I don't know what this is. Why are you yelling at me?

Shouldn't you know this? Oh, this is my favorite one. I get this, well, there'll be like a couple of people that say like, they want a selfie, right? And it'll be a group of three. So there'll be three people. And one person will say, can I get a selfie? I'm like, sure.

So I do selfie. And then the other person goes, can I go in too? Yeah, sure. And then this third person, I'll say, do you want one also? And they'll say, I'm good. And I'm always, I'm so needy that I'm always like, what the fuck? You're good. It takes a second.

Right. What do you mean? I'm good. I don't have any image of me with you. You can delete it. No, I'm good. What if we used a piece of soap that looked like an iPhone and you, we could just pretend it for my sake that you wanted a picture with me.

No, no, no, I'm really good. I get that. I definitely get that. And then I get people like, because you notice, you never know how known you are because I think when one person has the audacity to come up and ask, then like 10 people sort of come out of the woodwork and they're like, oh, we'll get one too. I get a lot of like one person will come take a selfie.

And then other people will start glomming on. And then as people walk away, they'll be like, who was that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like they're like, I'll get it and figure it out later type of thing. And I also get a lot of guys that are like, hey, I don't know who you are, but can we, my girlfriend likes you. So can we just get a picture? And I'm like, can you just like what, you don't have to hurt my feelings during this exchange.

That's someone needing to let you know that's about their insecurity. Can I ask you something about when you were young? Were you tall, very young? No. Huh. I was not tall, very young. I was, I grew very quickly, fairly late. Hmm.

So. Like in your teens? I was in my 40s. It was 44, I think. And I, there was, it was a nuclear accident. It was near the Fukushima plant. And anyway, the point is. Yeah.

I recently, a therapist that I, my therapist, what am I doing? Why am I a therapist? I know. What was that? That was weird. Wait a minute. You've been to therapy? I was talking to this therapist at a party.

My therapist that I pay. I have a standing appointment for eight years. This news just in. Median, Wendy Cummings has had therapy. I repeat, Westie Cummings has had therapy. She'll never work again. Crazy Cummings, they call her. If she's two minutes late, I unravel, like, what is this performance of pretending?

You know, I love that you're acting like it's 1928 and you're a presidential candidate. And I have been to a therapeutic doctor. Campaign over. You know, this therapist I hang out with socially as if you've ever met a therapist at a party. Now I have so many questions, but she was telling me about sort of how big of a deal your height is in terms of the way you develop as a person. Right. She's a person in my life who she's very insecure.

She's very emotional. She's very intense. And my therapist was like, how tall is she? And I was like, oh, she's like five, three inches. Oh, well, yeah, she's short. She's scared. Just her amygdala gets activated more easily because she's short and she's scared. Right.

And it just was this weird thing that I just never thought of. And I think that I had to be more precocious as a kid because I was tall, very young. So you were tall young because women do develop faster. People knew or people thought I was older than I was. So I kind of had to pretend I was older than I was. And I think I got more serious than I should have been given my height. Yeah. I was always blown away by the fact that when I was in grade school, there was like two

kids, there was one kid in particular, he was just much taller than the rest of us. And I think like in fifth grade or sixth grade, he had stubble and a deep voice. And he had a way of walking around where he sort of was like the Marlboro man. And I was an animated Japanese little girl. You know, I was like, and I couldn't, I looked at this guy and he'd be like, uh, you know, okay, all right. And he had a girlfriend. And I just, I, it was, I was so far removed.

And I remembered him thinking, oh my God, that's an adult. Yeah. He's an adult. So then I think I ran into him at a reunion later on and he's short, which was just such a, such a, it blew my mind that he was this giant to me. And it turns out, and it's not that he's short, but he's like, you know, he's like five, nine. And I'm just like, oh, you know, I'm not, it's not what. It was a mirage.

Yes. It's like when you go back to your elementary school and all of the, all of the water fountains are like an inch off the ground. Yeah, so true. And you think, I remember trying to leap up to get some water. There's like a little hook and you're like, how did I even get my face? How did I even get my face under that little. Our faces were shaped different then.

We had long, pouty lips. By the way, what was that little thing that covered the water spout? That was, I think, I don't know why that was there. What was that? It serves no real purpose, frankly. You got to think that there was some theory in the fifties or the sixties when they were putting that in. Yeah.

We need this to protect us from the communists. If communists see our gums, they'll defeat us. You would just hit your face on it and get like impetigo or something. It serves no purpose for the water. I've never thought about that before. What's impetigo? Impetigo. Does anyone know what impetigo is?

I might even be saying it wrong. It's like a skin infection. I forgot about how many. Oh, you mean impetigo. Am I saying it wrong? No, I just said that. I just said that. I have no idea what it is, but I wanted to make you insecure and it worked.

Oh, you mean impetigo? Where's this impetigo? I guess I'm going to have to start going to therapy because you just made me Instagram. Well, if only you knew what therapy was. No, I have friends having kids now. You've been already through all this. I forgot about how much headlice I had as a kid. I had a face infection.

Remember headlice? Did you have headlice? Why are you turning to this random guy in our studio, Aaron Blair, and saying remember headlice? Because I felt like I was bombing and I feel like he's more likely to fake laugh at me. What? You thought you were bombing with me? Yeah, I was like. I'm giving it up left and right, willingly.

I had a facial infection called impetigo. It was like a skin infection that kind of looked like acne when I was a kid and I had at the same time I had headlice and this went on for like two years. Yeah. You hideous ghoul. I was. I was. It was called impetigo.

Maybe we found an antibiotic or I wasn't vaccinated properly. Remember when you had leprosy? Yeah, I told you to think. Remember? And both your hands fell off. And my jaundice or whatever it was. I lived in a wheelbarrow. What is wrong with you?

I have a lot of questions about the vaccines I did or didn't get. But I had and that's just a really traumatic thing as a kid. Yeah. Having, you know, acne and stuff like that. So what would you say were the things that were either good in your life when you were a kid or not so good that probably helped you be funny? Oh, what a great question. My dad, you know, I think we love to beat up on our dads and moms for not being good

parents. It's like very in vogue right now, but like they had no tools. So a couple of things I'm going to say are you're going to cringe because we now look at it as bad parenting or maybe like abuse. You guys would all make out. The incest. Because we did that too. I feel like the incest really took me to another level as a comedian. We did a lot of group making out.

Hey, it helped us. There was a lot. That's an Irish thing. We were poor. I slept with my mom until I was like 13. I mean, there's a lot of shit that looking back now. People are like, well, it's just, it's crazy that, you know, my baby's eight months old and she's still in bed with me.

And I'm like, oh, is that bad? Because I did that until I was a full on adult. But I, my dad was very, for lack of a better word, like paranoid and questioned authority all the time. And I remember we would be reading like textbooks to study for quizzes and he'd be like, well, how do we know this book is right? Like who made, who decides this? And it was so annoying at the time because I just needed to learn whatever was in there.

But he was like, who wrote this book? Like how do we know this is true? Like he would, and it seemed so crazy. Yeah, George Washington was the first president. Really according to who? But he would just be like, yeah, this letter from George Washington. Like who knows who wrote this? Like there's no proof of any of this.

And he would just sort of like go in these like rants about it. And, you know, we go to the grocery store and it would say like organic apple. He's like, who decides this? They put a sticker. How do we know this is true? He would just like hold up the line, you know, in grocery stores questioning things and challenging things. And it was super embarrassing at the time. Yeah.

But it really did plant the seed in my head to always play devil's advocate. And that's kind of what stand up is. Right, right. You know, like he, he would, he wouldn't pay bills on, he'd be like, ah, this can't be true. I don't remember this. Like he just like, he just didn't believe anyone or anything ever. Like someone would tell us something. Yeah, but you can't believe him because, you know, what he,

You can take it too far. You know, I mean, you can get, he could get behind the wheel and say, I don't believe this wheel. It determines the direction of the car. I think my mind does. Yes. And then later in the hospital, you know, maybe it was the wheel. Like we go to a restaurant. We go to a restaurant and I would say like, what's good to the waiter?

And they would say like the pasta or whatever. And then I go, great, I have the pasta. And he's like, you can't trust him. He works here. Like, how do you know that this is something about the this and you can't believe him. He has to stake in it. Like of course he's going to tell you that. Like he just convinced me everyone was always lying to me,

which really damaged my ability to have relationships. But it does sort of develop this little muscle in your brain to question everything, which is I think kind of what we do in a way. Yeah. I think it's obviously very invoke for people to question how they were raised. And a lot of times I just think, I don't know, I'm more of the everybody did the best they could school of thought. But yeah, I always get a little squeamish if someone wants to find what happened,

what was miss, what was wrong in your family that made you funny. And I think, I don't think it's that. I really do think I come, there's something wrong with like very Irish Catholic people. There's something wrong with our brains. And I believe because my father is a scientist and he was always sort of looking at me going, yes, yes, something's wrong with you. What is the epigenetics of that? Is it from like the famine or?

I think it's a, I really do believe Ireland is a rock and everybody lived in a small town and they all married each other. Yeah. And so I believe that. You're like the King Charles Terrier of. Yes. I'm the King Charles, you know. They're cute.

They're gorgeous. But then there's just some was a little off. Yeah. I've joked about being 100% genetically Irish, which I am. And I've joked about that. And then. Well, I come from Scotch, Irish. So that is like a very, I'm going to get in trouble for this, I'm sure,

but as a generalization of like a truculent bunch that essentially moved into West Virginia, where the terrain was very hard to master and it just, it bred of sort of very particular kind of personality. Right. There's a great book called Born Fighting that the therapist I've met once told me to read just about the epigenetics. You're constantly running into therapists. I'd run into them just like, just, I don't know their names.

Like, I don't know who they are. And they quickly diagnose you while they're handing you a burger through a drive through window. I'm like, I'm mentally just like nailing it. And, and that was a book that was really interesting to me because that's part of my, the epigenetics of sort of my heritage. You're using good words. Thanks.

Words I don't know. Yes, you do. No, I didn't know that. You're like the smartest person. No, I'm not. I mean, I, I'll, people think that, but I didn't, I don't, I'm being very honest with you. I don't know the word epigenetics. Epigenetics is basically just sort of like the, how the trauma of our ancestors imprinted

on our genes. So essentially, like, you know, they did these studies with mice where they electrocuted them every time they smelled a cherry blossom and their offspring, when their offspring smelled a cherry blossom, they got scared and ran away. It's the same reason babies are afraid of a picture of a spider, even though they don't know what a spider is. It's just like certain fears are wired into us based on what happened to our ancestors. So it's like, if you're stupid.

I've heard this theory that you can inherit a fear that isn't rational. That's right. I'm terrified of the T-Rex. And I've always been terrified of the T-Rex. You should be. And yet, I've never encountered one. But I know my ancestors did. Now we're going to get somebody to write in, actually, dinosaurs and homo sapiens never

coexisted. There was a nine million year gap. I can't wait till that person. You have some smart fans. I bet it's a nightmare. No. Here we are, Conan. Here I am.

I've caught you this time. Do you mind if I take, it's getting warm. Can I take off my jacket? Please. No. I'm not going to just cauldron and pharaoh if you take off your jacket. It's like Brad Pitt in a Hollywood movie when he's on the roof. The Hollywood movie.

What's it called? Once upon a time. Once upon a time. I always want to call it Once Upon a Time in La La Lands. Okay, sorry. Last time I was on your show, the other one, we were talking about comments or people leaving comments or something and you looked at me very seriously and you were like, you can't read your comments.

Yeah, you can't. It was dead serious. You were not being facetious. And it was almost like we weren't on TV for a second. You just looked at me like as a friend and you're like, you can't read your comments. No good. And you know what? Any constructive criticism that you're going to get in your life, and I don't even mean

criticism. I mean advice. If you come from the people in your life that you care about, they're going to let you know. You don't need anything from anybody else. And so I am stunned when comedians, really anybody, but when comedians I really admire, particularly who are a very sensitive lot and sometimes dealing with some damage, when they go and read anonymous comments about their work or their appearance, I, you know, I just want to like slap them and say, stop.

I mean, I can't. I'm not allowed to slap you. You like went cold. Yeah. And said it in a way that I actually needed. And that's what I needed to really hear it, you know, and cause I was just like, damn, he's not joking. No, no, no, you can't do it.

You cannot, I've encountered people, I'll say it cause I think he'd be okay with me saying it. Barack Obama. But Barack Obama, once, and he and I used to do it, we were an improv class. And he was like, I'm worried about these comments I'm getting. I did, Gary Shandling once came on my show and it was, he had been on the show before and he was talking to me about the comments he read the last time he was on the show on the internet.

And I was like, Gary, you can't read comments. People were just saying random things and you know, here's this brilliantly funny, talented man who was in the 1% of the 1% of the 1% of comedians and he's reading what some faceless nameless, you know, asshole has to say about him. And I thought, no, that is, and of course, we all have the same flaw, which is you're going to, when you're performing, you're going to, if 180 people in the room are laughing, but one is not, you're going to see that person. Only one I care about.

Yeah. And then you're going to want to be with them. That's me. Whether it was man or woman, if you're not, if you're not laughing, I am pansexual. I want you to be inside me. Yes, exactly. Any iteration. I just want everyone inside me.

And that'll be the pull quote from this one. But anyway, I just, I, you cannot. I really believe the internet is something that our brains, humans have been developing very slowly, evolving for, you know, 300, $350,000, $350,000. I'm obsessed with what I'm making per second, off of others' misery, 350,000 years. That's in your head for some reason. Yeah. It is.

I'm constantly, every second, I'm monetizing everything. And if you were to start- Is that how much Blue Apron's paying you when it's such a- Yeah. The fracture people, the fracture prints? Fracture prints? Word prints? Oh my God, yeah. Oh yeah, you get fracture prints.

I don't get them. I get fracture prints, yeah. Do you ever look at the ads you get and it like holds up a mirror and you're like, oh, this is who I am. Or this is my demographic. Yeah, there'll be times, there's now a lot of Roman, you know, sexual- The swipes? The swipes?

Well, what's a swipe? Roman swipes? No, the Roman- Is it Roman for erections? Yeah. Well, I think ultimately everything's for erections. That's so true. If you're at a certain age in a certain state of mind, like, you can get erections, you

can get erections, you can get an outlet, an electrical outlet, look at that outlet. Oh man, I'd know what to do with that. Isn't Roman the brand? Your Roman is the brand of, you can discreetly, and I only know about this because I read the ads, but you can discreetly get medication for- But they're also the one I get, so this is very telling. I get Roman wipes. You're like baby wipes that you put on yourself to keep an erection.

Why do I get those and you get the pills? I've never heard of a baby wipe that you put on yourself. That's what, yes, I'd read that out. To get an erection? Yes, they're not giving me- They're not giving me- I think someone's playing a joke on you. I think there's no such product.

That's not even a real company! Yeah, it's not a real company. It's not a real product. They're just trying to see, like, if I'll read anything. You know that ad you do for a microwave oven that gives you an erection? That's a joke, Whitney. I'm getting pranked. No, there's, I get, but I'm just asking-

Tired of making microwave cookies and not getting an erection? Put your dick in it. This special insertion too. Put your dick in it's like, special code, Whitney. Like I do the whole thing. Hashtag. Unreal. 20% off microwave.

Hashtag, micro erect, Whitney. I feel like none of these are real. This is such a good prank. No, I've never heard of a wipe that you use. This is for the- Roman makes them, but we get different ads. We get different, there's a conversation where they're going to- This is for Conan and this is for Whitney, because her audience is like this.

They like baby wipes or they like, you know. And then he wants this. I've never heard of that. Well, I, it's totally random. It can seem random to me. I don't know what it is. The ones I really get confused with, there are ads where I read sometimes, and you can hear me do it because I'm very honest in the ads about-

And I love, to me, that's one of my favorite part of podcasts is listening to the host read ads. And so I will just say, they'll be ads that are, I have no head for business or for, you know, running an office. I just, I got into comedy to avoid that and there'll be ads that say things like, you know, to help you with your business, there's nothing about the ad that describes what it really does. Yeah.

You know what I'm talking about? I'm not being very articulate about it. Is there, I don't know if it's okay for me to say the product, but Zorro.com advertises and Conan has, he's done it so many times, has no idea what it is. And I always say during the ad, I don't know what this is, Zorro. Help me. I love it. No one's ever reached out to me.

They keep buying ads. And I, and it keeps saying like, so for your business and infrastructure, you can move through platforms more easily. Make sure that your managerial chain has the, and I'm like, what is a managerial chain? If it was a wipe that would make me a rat, I'm happy. I know what I'm doing. But I, that makes me like the company more because I'm like, if they're cool with Conan talking about their company like that, I like these people.

I want to see what this company is, you know, like I just think everyone's so smart now and savvy that you, that's the best way to read an ad is to just be honest and authentic about it and say, I have no fucking clue what this is. I mean, I'll literally be like, insert your own experience here. I don't have any. Anyway, backslide. Like I just, I don't know how to be, it's like, I think that we're such right brain people that left brain stuff, like I just, I cannot do logistics.

It's a high level fix to me. I think, I think initially when I was, when they proposed the idea of doing a podcast to me, I said, well, wait a minute, do I have to read ads? And they said, yeah. And I said, yeah, I don't know. I don't know that I could do that because my whole life is just being myself. So I don't know if I could do that. And then I said, am I allowed to just say whatever I think about the ad?

And they said, yeah. And I thought, oh, well, that's different because I will make it very clear to the person listening that it, I think it's quite clear. I've just been handed this piece of paper. And to me, that I think. I'm just, by the way, we're just destroying our business model. This is so meta. Unless it's Porsche, a fine machine.

I feel like the closest to you when I'm hearing you read ads and kind of be like, huh, like, what is it? I don't really know what this is. Like, to me, that makes me feel like I'm hanging out with you. And I think people demand that now. It's not enough to be talented and funny and have shows. You have to be someone's best friend. And that's just the new business model.

It's just everyone has to be able to have access to you all the time. And I think that is to me when I'm like, this isn't scripted. I know no one else is doing this. I know he's never done this before. I know this isn't rehearsed. Like, I truly feel like I'm in a room with him. Right. You know, I think the ads are some of my favorite things to listen to on podcasts.

Do you? Let's talk about what you're going through now in your life. I want to take you through what you, to tell me, what's Whitney going through now? What is your journey now? What are you working on? What would you do if I said, well, Whitney right now is going through some, would you say something if I referred to myself as Whitney? I'm just curious.

I'd say, well, you're probably a really good NBA player. Occasionally they refer to themselves in the third person. Can you imagine if I just started talking in third person? I think we should just both do it. Right now, Whitney is really good. Whitney's just taking care of Whitney right now. Whitney's just doing, doing her. Whitney's slaying.

Yeah. I'm just trying to think of like how we could possibly react to someone who behaved that way. I am, like, can I get personal? Can I ask you, are you in a relationship right now? I was engaged and I'm not engaged anymore because planning a wedding was too stressful for me because I'm not good at logistics and I felt too much pressure and it's actually Are you still with the person just not engaged?

Not currently. Okay. All right. So it blew up the whole thing. Yeah. My personality just blew it right up. Well, no. I'm not saying, I'm saying that the calling off of the engagement sort of disrupted the

whole thing. It was like, let's put a pause. Let's just like put a pin in this and it's actually wild because I haven't really been talking about it much. This is the first time I've talked about it, certainly on a podcast and it's so hard for me to tell people because it's just so hard on them. The reaction is so wild. They're like, oh, you were so close.

Oh my God. Right. Like it's so hard for them. Which is not what you need to hear. Yeah. I just like, I feel like I have to take care of everybody else in this moment. I also, you know, I'm living alone again and there's something really wild that happens when you live alone in your thirties where everyone thinks you're like going to fall.

Everyone's just like, well, what's going to happen if you fall? I'm like, how are you walking around your house? I'm in my thirties. I walk very slowly. I wear shoes sometimes. Like people are really upset about the idea of me falling in my house and no one being able to call. That's so funny you say this because my doctor recently, I just had a regular checkup and

he went, now one thing you do need to think about is you are quite tall. So if you fell, that could be bad and I thought, we're having a fall conversation. I'm a very healthy, relatively young man and you're having the fall conversation with me. I was shocked and then you are a lot younger than me and I'm like, it's a comedian thing. I don't know. No. And they're like, well, you could fall.

And I thought like, who's helping you Conan? Who's helping you get to the toilet? But do I look like I could get back up if I did fall? I'm telling you, I would say 60% of the people I bring up, I'm single again now and I'm living alone. They're like, well, what if you slip in the shower? Oh my God. Because that's the only reason you were in a relationship.

It was that or get grab bars. I know. I love that. That is the reason everyone's getting married. I like that a spouse is really just a grab bar. Is that really what we've produced? It's just someone to call. Marriage too.

The ambulance when you fall. I mean, it's just a- Do you take this grab bar to be near you when you shower and near the toilet? No, but everyone is worried I'm going to slip in the shower and I'm like, how are you showering? I get in, I stand there, I wash my, and then I get out. There's not a ton of movement. Oh, that's how you do it.

I suds up my feet real good before I get in. One foot. One foot at a time. And then I get in and I just start pouring the oil everywhere. And then I just move like Shakira as fast as I can, and then we see what happens. I have to time my fall. I mean, it's just like, I've never been in my house and been like, whoa, it's never happened.

No, I know it. And look, I know that, yes, I'm not, I know that we're going to get to a place in our lives. Yes. I understand that there's going to be a time in my life when I need to worry about a fall, but the fact that my doctor brought it up now really upset me. But it's a lot. It's like when I went to, I froze my eggs when I was 32, and then I went back in to

see if I was going to freeze more eggs or freeze embryos or whatever. I thought you went back in to look at the eggs. Just to check them out. I just want to see if they're hatching properly. They're back there. They're behind the sorbet. I just want to check in on them. I don't want to be a deadbeat mom.

I want to visit my eggs. Let them know I'm here. We toss those. I don't know my responsibility to them at all. They're like in Hermosa. They have like a beachfront view. My eggs live in Hermosa. They do.

That's fantastic. That's where the fertility place is. So weird. So I went in and the doctor was like, oh, if you wanted to do like in vitro or any of those things because it would be a geriatric pregnancy, so anything over 35 is considered geriatric. And it's just like, I'm not like a stickler about words, but that is just like, I was like, I feel like we can beat that word.

And I was like, do you have to call geriatric? And he had such a rehearsed response, like it's clear every woman freaks out when he says that. And he's like, I know we're working on it. Also, can I just say we live in an era where you're constantly seeing in the news that a 62-year-old woman gave birth. Now granted, the kids all look like Civil War generals. They have felt hats and long beards, missing fingers, some peg leg, and she, wham, wham,

she, wham. They're all just racist. Yeah, they're terribly racist there from the Antibone South. Anyway, the point is, now we'll get them into battle after the war, yeah. Whatever. Anyway, the point being that, yeah, that seems unfair. I think that that seems narrow-minded. That's the wrong term.

It is what it is. It's just sort of an ant... It's like the word secretary. It's just like I was having a conversation with someone the other day and he was like, my secretary. And I was like, ugh, that was just such an odd word. Even though... You know what I mean?

Imagine... Yeah. If Conan ever called me his secretary, I was like, what? I'm not over here. I don't know what happened. Now, are you? Because you're not my assistant. I am your assistant.

But an assistant would assist. Oh, I'm sorry. I love your relationship. You are my... We're good. You're legally bound because if you ever leave, you can stick with him. Oh, yeah. You're my...

He's your retirement. You are my paid tormentant. Yeah. No, Son and I are in this for the long haul. But I'm not at... I'm very humble to biology and science. I think just that... It's like biology sexist, sorry.

But I do think all these sort of really rich women getting pregnant in their 50s, it's going to make people go like, oh, I can get pregnant. It's like, no, you can't. It's $350,000, probably dollars to do that. I also think there's a thing that's true for men too, which is once you've had kids and you know what the toll it takes on your life and how much energy you need to have, the idea that... And it's not that I'm against it, but when I think...

When guys think, oh, I'll have a kid when I'm 65, I think, do you know what's involved? Do you understand what's involved? Oh, my fall. Yes. You're already... You're already in the fall zone. You'll fall on the child. Here I go.

The one thing I want to do when I do fall, whenever that is, is say, here I go as I go down. This is... This is actually true. So I recently fell. Maybe this is... You did fall. This wasn't at home. It wasn't at home.

It wasn't at home. Yeah, I have a horse that I work with, yeah. And I was like... Your sentence is so crazy right now. I did fall. I have a horse. We live in a pyramid. Each word you say is so crazy.

I speak in limericks and I was on the side of a fence and I was trying to mount my cell phone to video myself with my horse. This is even more embarrassing. And so I was like standing on a fence to try to put my phone on something and there was a concrete wall and the fence and I fell and almost hit my head on the concrete wall. And I was going down and I saw the concrete wall and I was like, oh, you're about to die. You're about to break your neck. I had it.

And then I went, oh, come on. I don't know if I was going to die or not, but I think the closest I've come to it, that was what I thought. Oh, come on. Because you're probably thinking this is how I go. And I was like, oh, not today. It was such a weird thought. And I don't know if it was just because on some sort of primordial subconscious level

I knew I wasn't going to die. So that's what I thought. But I did go, oh, you're about to die and I just went, oh, come on, what a hassle. I have to die today on top of everything else I have to do. Am I dressed for the corner? Yeah, totally. I should have worn some lip gloss. It was just felt like a hassle.

And then the horse was like, your friends were right, you're going to fall. I mean, I don't. The horse is top. We sure do. It is wild, though, when you talk to people that are married and they're like, well, what's going to happen if you fall? I'm like, is that why you got married? It's the only reason.

I think. But yeah, so that was kind of a journey. I hate when people say journey. But I also was just like the weddings to overwhelming. Like I'm very codependent. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So I think for me, it's like the idea of planning a wedding and not inviting people, it just brings up a lot of shit.

But everyone wants to go like, well, why don't you just go down to city hall? Why don't you just like, well, you want me to go downtown, then we'll definitely break up. I mean, that to me, like looking for parking, we're going to break up. Now, if I had had to go to downtown LA to marry my wife, I wouldn't have happened. Yeah. Like I get why people. We went to Seattle in the rain.

That's and that was easier. Oh, that sounds nice. Seattle in the rain. Yeah. I love the rain. Oh, well. It was the venue. You got married in Seattle.

My wife's from Seattle. Oh, cool. So we went up there and we got married in, what was it? It was in January and it was so dark and it was raining really hard. And it was such a contrast because in the morning we got up really early and flew to Mexico for our honeymoon. So it was just contrast. And we woke up in the morning and we're staying in this kind of nice hotel and who walks in

but Arnold Schwarzenegger. Oh, my God. And he said, I saw on the news that you got married. And I was like, I can't handle. I was just in Seattle in the rain in the dark and now Arnold Schwarzenegger's at the next table in Mexico going, I saw on the news that you got married. Congratulations. And I'll never forget this.

A guy walked up with a telephone. It was actually like a, you know, like a, it was like a cell phone, but it was one of those ones that attaches to the wall. Yeah. Yeah. This guy walked up, waiter walked up and handed him a phone and said, call for you, Mr. Schwarzenegger. And he extended the antenna and he put it to his head, hit to his ear and he went, hello. I don't know why.

Cartoon villain. He went, hello. And I don't know why, but I remember that more than I remember my honey. I don't remember the rest of my honeymoon. I remembered a giant Arnold Schwarzenegger head congratulating me and then a cell phone going up to his ear and him going, hello. What did he say? Oh, leave him alone.

It's fine. He's grandfathered in. He's going to fall any day. He's going to fall soon. Here I go. I mean, I've just never, my whole thing with falling is I just hope I catch it on the ring camera. That's my big thing is if I fall, just make sure you get it.

You want it. You want the video. Just get it. Make sure you get it. Our time has come to an end. You're really good about ending podcasts. It's impressive. I know some podcasts go on for like four hours and I think they should leave them wanting

more. Yeah. Tighten it up. And you have done that. I love talking to you. I really do. And I, I. So is it an intimidating one to come on?

Well, I hope that's not true. It is. In a good way. That's a compliment. Very funny. Very beautiful. Very cool persons. Thank you for being here.

Thank you. Be well. Go into the world and be well and don't fall. People do like to hear about the real workings of our life together, Sona. And I think that that's, it's good to have a very intimate connection with our audience. So let's talk about why you relate today for work. I don't know if we want it to be that intimate. What's not a big deal.

You had a medical procedure. You, you contacted me this morning and said I'm having a procedure. It won't take long and I'll be a little late. Yeah. I had a cyst removed from my shoulder. Can I just say trigger warning because last time we started with you chewing Conan and people got really pissed. So there's some, probably going to be some pus talk or something.

There is. There might be. And I'm going to say there are definitely people who love pus and people who don't. My entire bachelorette party was popping a blackhead. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's so gross. I don't know if I want to talk about this. Well, it's too late now. Continue. Well, what ended up being a cyst was originally a blackhead and I have friends who love popping blackheads. So all weekend long, they were just popping the blackhead. How many times can you pop it?

Don't you just pop it once? No, it was really big blackhead. Oh, and this was on your wedding? No, it was my bachelorette party. Because at your wedding, I thought that thing on your shoulder was a parrot. It was huge. It wasn't that big. This is your blackhead?

Yeah. It was on my shoulder. And now, and then it was a cyst and now that I had removed. How did you cover it? Let's, let's, we'll get to this in a second, but how did you try and hide it? I was at your wedding. You looked quite lovely. I will say.

Thank you. I didn't, I don't remember there being any. Did you cover it up with makeup? It's not noticeable. It was just like a little tiny bump and it has, you know, it's a blackhead. Right. It's just. And so your friends.

It was a never ending well of pus. So wait, so your friends just kept attacking your, your blackhead for your bachelorette party. Yeah. We were all hanging around the pool and then there were some people who were like, I can't even look at that. And others who were like, let me have my turn popping the blackhead. Oh my God.

That's incredible. Would they do bare-handed? Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, they use salad tongs. No. You know, everybody has friends who love seeing that stuff. I don't, I don't have any friends that would be into that.

No. That's not true. You do. You just don't talk about it with them. You don't even know how that would come up. Well, like when I got my cyst on my back removed, I took a photo and sent it to some of my friends. Okay. So today this blackhead turned into a cyst.

Yeah. And then you, you, you sent me a thing this morning. It said, I have to, I'm going to be late. Yeah. Yeah. And you were asking me if it's okay. Yeah. And you said, yeah, of course.

Yeah. Which was really nice of you. Thank you. Well, I, you know, what are you going to do when someone has a cyst? They got to have it removed. Yeah. With better time than during work hours. So.

There it is. It's fine. There it is. Other times you could have done it. But anyway, we're going to do shows on Fridays. But so Friday's a good cyst day. When I was raised, Friday was always cyst day. But I think globally Friday is cyst day, but whatever.

You decided it's a Tuesday and this will help me give me time to get an egg McMuffin. So what happened? They took out the cyst. So there was originally a cyst on my back. I got that removed. Well, you had another one? Yeah. What's going on with you?

I am cystic. I don't know. I honestly have no idea. They said it just happens. There's nothing that. So it's not like a curse or. I've had that happen too. I've had two sister move, one in Hawaii and one that was in my lip and they had to pack

it with gauze. I love that you said one in Hawaii and one on my lip. What a dumb thing to say. Hey, fuck you. Where were they? One in Hawaii and one on my lip. Yeah. Wow, that's great.

That's terrific. I take that fuck you back, although I mean, there was a certain poetry to that I liked. That's the strangest, strangest sentence I think I've ever heard. One in Hawaii, one in my lip and one in my memory. So, okay, and so Sona, here's the thing, I've not had much removed from myself in my life. I have not. Weird way to word that. I haven't.

I've been very fortunate that way, but when I was a kid, I had appendicitis and I had a bad case of appendicitis and I remembered I was desperate. I wanted to see my appendix when they took it out and I begged the doctor before they put me under. I think I was like 12, like, can I see my appendix? Can I just keep it afterwards? I want to look at it. I want to see it.

And they're like, yeah, sure. And they put the gas and then I woke up and they were like, no, we tossed that out. You freak. So they just lied to me to get me under and then they tossed it away and they wouldn't let me. I wanted to see something from my own body. It's cool. They left me in the room with the little vial, it had liquid in it and my cyst was floating

around in it. They left you in the room alone like it was like a visiting? And I picked it up and I was shaking it and I was like looking at it. It's gross. It's really gross, but... What happens to that cyst now? Are they going to test it for something? They test it in case there are cells that you should be worried about.

This is good. I like it when sometimes we dispense useful information to people. So make sure that you get that cyst checked. Yeah, you should get it. I thought it costs money to get a cyst removed, but it's covered by insurance. I've had it for like two years or two. Wait, you've had something growing on your body that concerned you, but you didn't want to spend $220.

So you let it wait? It's not even 200. It's a copay. It was like $30. So for $30, you let something multiply on your body by checking it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm just going to be a responsible person here and say, actually, that sounds like a smart idea.

Yeah. I mean, how bad could it be? A friend of mine had a dermoid, which is a cyst that collects genetic material, and you could have hair in it and nails and teeth. Teeth? Oh my God. We're turning people off left and right. We really are.

We should stop. Let me just remind you of something I used to do. I really used to do this because I have many Jewish friends, and when they would have a child, they would have the the the moll perform the circumcision, you know, on the on the child on the on the baby. And I used to love to. And there was always like a banquet afterwards. And I always used to say, boy, I sure love the calamari at this banquet.

And then I'd have someone and then I'd do another voice going, there's no calamari at this banquet. And I'd go, oh, that killed. I had a rabbi doubled over at the thought that the foreskin had flown into a bowl that I had popped it into my mouth and said, love this calamari. There's no calamari. Oh, I killed with that rabbi. I should convert. Well, so now I'm glad that you're well, because I do care about you.

And I'm glad that you took the time. We should have been on a non work hours. Okay. And I think that would have been very easily. You don't need to say that part. You don't have to say it. You could just say, I'm glad you figure that out. And that's it.

Can you do that? Maybe the way you had a cyst removed, I should have the amount of pay removed from your paycheck. Okay. That occupied the time it took for you to get the, I'll look into that. Can you just say anytime you need a medical procedure, of course, you can take as much time off that you need? Well, so now I'm glad you got yourself checked. Thank you.

I do go to the dermatologist a lot. If anyone has seen me in person, it's a freak show. I look like canned spam in the form of a man. I have a very freckly pale man and probably need everything removed and then reinstalled. What? So I hope this has been a good public service announcement. Get yourself checked. Don't grow up with freckles.

We'll be right back. This has been a Team Cocoa Production in association with Ear Wolf. Thank you.