Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Why Is Your Poop a Rainbow?

Episode Date: June 13, 2024

Conan chats with Pam from Farmington, Connecticut about working for Poison Control and how to handle oneself while too high at Disneyland. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, can you hear us, Pam? Hey. I can. How are you?

Great. I'm so sorry. Don't be sorry. Let's explain to people listening that we've had some technical difficulties and can't say, was it our end? Was it your end? We could blame it on me. That's totally fine. I was going to, yeah. Totally, our equipment's fine.

You screwed this up, Pam. But I don't blame you because I'm tech-phobic. And also it might not even be something you did. You might have been, have something wrong with your, with the technology over there. I don't know. I can't explain it, but here I am. So I'm happy to be here. The important thing is,

you're here, we're all happy. Where are you calling from? Where are you in this wonderful world? I'm in Farmington, Connecticut. Where is, where is Farmington? It's like right in the middle of Connecticut, next to Hartford, sort of. Yeah, I know Connecticut well. I really like Connecticut.

Oh, okay. That's a good state. Yeah, yeah. And tell us a little bit about yourself. Yeah. What's your jam, what do you do? Yeah, so yeah, I've like lived in Connecticut my whole life. And I am...

You should get out sometimes. You should leave occasionally. You know what I mean? Yeah, I've lived in Connecticut my whole life. Mm-hmm. And I am- You should get out sometimes. You should leave occasionally. You know what I mean? Because you should see what a man looks like when he doesn't have a sweater tied around his neck. You know? Because there's a whole thing.

I will say, that's Greenwich, Connecticut. There's a lot of living in Connecticut. I better step back. But- I went too far. No,wich, Connecticut. There's a lot of living in Connecticut. I better step back. But. I went too far. No, no, no. I was gonna say, so I work for Poison Control. Hello. That's my job.

And sometimes like. I love, I'm fascinated, I'm serious. I'm not kidding. I'm fascinated by poisons. But you said that like you were turned on or something. Yeah. Well, I'm not gonna say I'm not. How about that?

I find I'm very interested in poisons and this makes me very happy. Pam, tell me about your work with poison control. Do you work on a hotline? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yes, so there is a poison control number. It's a national number. Should we give it?

1-800-222-1222. Oh, good. That might save, that might, Yeah, so easy. But also that might save a life. You never know. Yeah. That's cool. So tell us, you're sitting there

and you get the call and tell me about these calls. So it really ranges from really anything like from a kid ate play dough to intentional, you know, overdose overdoses where people are trying to harm themselves or, you know, people foraging mushrooms outside and picking the wrong kind and getting sick. It really ranges. Am I correct that, okay, I'm gonna take a couple things you said. You said if a kid eats Play-Doh,

that's not so bad, right? If a kid eats a ton of Play-Doh, that might be an issue, but some Play-Doh, probably not a problem. Correct, so that's like one of our favorite things that we say in toxicology is like, it depends. Just on the weekends. It very much depends on like, on like the size of the person,

their past medical history, how much they ate. Like it depends on like so many things, but you're right. Like Play-Doh luckily tastes bad enough that like people don't usually go to town on that. You know what I mean? Why were you asking so much about the Play-Doh luckily tastes bad enough that, like, people don't usually go to town on that, you know what I mean? So... Why were you asking so much about the Play-Doh? Do you eat Play-Doh? I... Let's just say there was a period of time in my youth

when I was a child. Um... Last week. My brother, Neil, tended to get most of the food. And I was sometimes, I had to forage in the arts and crafts area of the third grade and let's just say the teacher was like where's this all this Play-Doh going and your mom at home was like Conan why is your poop a rainbow. Okay. Oh, Pam. Oh, Pam.

Oh, Pam. Pam. Pam brought it. I, uh... I love how you can see her pause between words thinking, -"Should I? Should I? Should I?" I'm glad you did. I'm glad you did. You went for it, and I'm proud of you. Um, and now my mother knows, because she didn't know.

Um, so, uh, what about... I'm proud of you. And now my mother knows, because she didn't know. So what about, I can't believe people would forage for mushrooms and rely on their own ability to tell which is a healthy one and which is one that will kill you. So you'll have people call up and say, I was in the woods, I needed some mushrooms, I grabbed a bunch that looked okay, but now I think I'm dying. Do you get those? Okay, so yes, yes. So I will say the ones that usually make the mistake,

it's they're in the hospital at that point. I see. With like abnormal labs and then come to find out, you know, they had foraged some mushrooms. But then I will occasionally get the caller that's like, I found these mushrooms and you know, I think they're good to eat. And they're like hoping we can identify, you know,

like can I eat this? And I'm always like, I cannot identify what, you know, with a hundred percent certainty. So I would say, don't eat it. And then we also get little kids that ingest mushrooms as well, which I always think is interesting, you know, because I can't get my kids to eat a mushroom

on a good day from the grocery store. But everyone can- Yeah, my kids still won't eat them. My kids still will not eat a mushroom. Have you tried Play-Doh? Yeah, I make them out of Play-Doh and they gobble them right up. So, okay.

You passed the trick. So, most of these things, what are the most, I'm saying, is there, I'm just going to come right to the point because I don't know how else to ask this. Is there a poison that you've come across that's untraceable by a coroner? Oh. Oh. Oh. Odourless, tasteless, what's the best of the poisons for,

well, I'm just gonna say for murdering. For murdering. You know? Yeah, I mean, you know, back in the day, arsenic was the thing. Arsenic's good. But now they can tell. Yeah, now they. They could, yeah, now they can, but yeah.

Used to be they couldn't tell, but now they can tell with arsenic. Mm-hmm can tell. Yeah, now they could. Yeah, now they can. They can, used to be they couldn't tell, but now they can tell with arsenic. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. What about ricin, remember, in Breaking Bad? Yeah. That was their go-to. Ricin, that might be a good one. Digitalis? Oh, so that's interesting.

We could test for that as well. You can test for digitalis? And the potassium, you can, yeah, yeah. See, that's a no-good. And you would see an elevated potassium level in the blood work and they'd be like, hmm, a cardiac dysrhythmia and a high potassium. You were murdered. I don't know. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. So, yeah. That's why I always go back to just cut the brake lines. Okay. Because if the car goes off a cliff, it's very hard to tell later on, especially if there's a fire, if the brake lines were cut or were they severed in the fire.

Yeah. Should we be taking an Uber home today? Yeah, what are you? No, no, no, no. You should both get in your car mat. Oh. And you should drop, because you're both headed pretty much in the same direction.

Uh-huh. And you know what? You might be running a little late, so, uh, you know, heavy on the gas. Really gun that thing. You'll be all right. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Yeah. But you might be running a little late, so I'd go heavy on the gas. Really gun that thing. You'll be all right. Uh-oh, uh-oh.

Yeah, so, okay, so do you get calls from people who've ingested too many gummies or whatever? They've done too much of a recreational drug and they're freaking out. Oh yeah, oh yeah, definitely. I had that recently where, yeah, this guy called for like his brother and three of his friends and they had taken a whole bunch of edible marijuana the night before and they were still feeling like super, super high. And, you know, it is kind of nice because

I can tell them like, you know, just like some things they could do to maybe feel better and maybe save them all a trip to the emergency room, which will save them money and the ER, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. In the long run, so. Also, what they want then is reassurance, I would guess. Right.

I'll tell you a story. I was riding my bicycle not far from my house. I have a mountain bike and I was gonna head up this trail and I was headed head up this trail and I was headed towards the trail. And this is a bunch of years ago, but there was like a van parked on the side of the road. And I just, as I was driving by, I thought I heard,

help me. And I wasn't sure, so I doubled back and it was two kids that had parked up there, taken a lot of mushrooms and to trip out and they were freaking out. They were having a bad trip and it wasn't going well and they were freaked out. And I had my helmet on and my glasses, so I didn't,

and they were totally messed up. So they just thought, oh, this is Joe Blow going by. So I said, first of all, I said, give me your keys, because I was worried they were going to try and drive. So I got their keys and then I just called 911 and just to have some, someone come by, because I didn't know what to do.

And the cops came by and the cop said, oh, this happens all the time. Kids come up here all the time to get high, freak out, and we end up coming up here. But I then, they said I could go. And then because my helmet and my glasses come off by then, the cops were chatting me up about, oh, hey, Conan. I'm like, oh, hi guys, whatever.

And then they said I could go. So I left and they were just gonna stay with the kids till they were okay. But then I later found out that they told the kids that I was the one that they flagged down. And the kids- That narked them out. That narked them out, yeah.

And the kids were like, we're gonna fuck the kids. No, the kids thought they were- Yeah, why you calling the fuzz, man? No, no, they didn't get in trouble. They didn't get in trouble. What they did was not illegal, I don't think. Especially here in California. You were right to do that, to keep them safe, but you still narc'd them out.

But also, I kept the car keys, and later, I went back and I took the van, and I sold it. Aww. Yeah. And you cut the brakes. Yeah, and then I cut the brakes and I gave it to Gorley. I got too high once at Disneyland. At Disneyland? Yeah, I thought I was, I thought.

Was this the time where you thought that the pirates from the Pirates of the Caribbean were going to come out of that fortress and into your boat? I didn't think they were coming out of the fortress. I thought that we were taking a boat into a battle. I have an idea. You're right, that's so much more reasonable. I have an idea. I got so scared. Just to test out

what it's like to call the poison control. Pam, I'm gonna have Sona is calling you right now and she's gonna describe her situation. She's at Disneyland, but she's gonna give you all that information. So you make the call and you pick up Pam, if you would. Ring ring. Okay.

Hi, hi, hello? I think she would start by saying Poison Control. Yeah, Poison Control, this is Pam. Hi Amy. Let's try it again, in three, two, one, go Pam. Poison Control, this is Pam, can I have your name? It's, I think it's Sona. I think it's Sona. I'm in right now, I'm at Disneyland.

I'm on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Arr, arrr. I can't be completely sure, but I'm pretty, I think I'm going into battle and I'm not prepared for it. Oh, okay. So is there anything that you've eaten or drinking out of the usual? I took about 100 milligrams of cannabis edibles. Okay, okay. Yes, that is a lot. Hey, I'm goofy!

How are you? You want a photo? You want a photo with Goofy? Get the fuck away from me, Goofy! And I'm the real Goofy. Can you believe that impression? That's shit. Ho ho ho, hey! I'm Goofy that's had some larynx cancer. And I had an operation and I think it's wrong of the other Goofy to make fun of me. We all have a double gangertz around here. Here's a knockoff Mickey. I've also had problems.

I smoked for years. I love Minnie Mouse. Listen, what you're going to want to do is just not be in a riot right now. But Pam, we're kind of busy over here. Get a snack. I sound like Harry Carrey now. You're probably hungry, right? I'm so hungry.

I've already eaten seven personal pet pizzas and I just feel like I just need to eat more. That's okay. Yeah, you can have a snack. You need to just go somewhere, not a ride, get a snack, drink fluids, and you're gonna feel better in a couple of hours. You will.

All right, can I sleep on this park bench? If Disney will allow it, that's another question. If Disney will allow it, the answer is usually no. You're a goofy impression. I'm sorry. What the fuck was that? I told you that was a guy who played goofy successfully for a while and sounded accurate. And then I'm sorry he had a large nodule in his larynx, which turned out not to be benign. And they removed it.

Why is he still working at Disney? He needs to eat! This is what he does. Hey, and you try firing someone from their job because they had cancer surgery. Okay? So no, Disney did the right thing. They said you could still be goofy. In the park.

This one insists on it because he's trying to make a little extra dough so he can help pay off the operation. I love him, Tom. Hi, I'm Goofy. Don't smoke. Hey, kids, don't smoke. What is Goofy telling?

I'm Canadian. I'm from Ottawa, yeah? Don't smoke. Pam, this got real stupid real fast. I'm going to say some things, first of don't smoke. Pam, this got real stupid real fast. I'm gonna say some things, first of all. I love her manner. She was very, you would call me down

and I think I have a tendency, I'm compulsive. I either don't eat or I eat, Sona will back me up on this, I eat compulsively. Like I'll shove a whole pizza into my face and I could see myself calling Pam just to say, I just ate half of a Harrington's ham and I drank three Guinness and need to be talked down. I wouldn't take a poison, but I would do the Irish thing

of stuffing way too much bad stuff into my face. You're gonna call poison control and be like, can I please talk to Pam? Get me Pam, or I don't talk to anyone and if I die it's your fault. Yeah, do you have an extension Pam? Yeah, Pam, how do I make sure I just get you? I do, but they go off of like where your zip code is,

so you guys would get the California. Ooh. They're the worst. Hey man. But they're all lovely there. Hey man, nothing I haven't smoked, man. No, I'm telling you, I really think I'm dying. Hey, man, we all move on to the next plane.

I don't want to call that the California poison control, yeah? That's a pretty good goofy. That's my goofy. Hey, man, shoot. Donald Duck, he's a cool cat. I will say that, like, we are at poison control. Very, part of the job is being, he's a cool cat. I will say that we are at poison control. Very, part of the job is being level-headed, despite whatever, because people call in very, very nervous.

And so job number one is to be like- Be calm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But also exude calm because if people are, on a serious note, if people are worked up, they're probably processing whatever they ingested more quickly. People have to be calm and think, you know? And that's why I sincerely think you have a great manner.

You have a great, you know, personality for this. Like you talked to Sona when, I mean, she was high, she was at Disney World, Disneyland, and she was being attacked by several goofies, three of them that had had some sort of tracheal surgery. And you handled it like a pro. I thought you did amazingly well. Thanks, thanks. How many kids do you have?

Two. How often do you use your poison control expertise with your own kids? Twins. You have twins? A lot. Sona has twins. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you do? I do. I think it's exciting. Yeah, I think I do remember, yeah, hearing about that. How old are your twins? They are gonna be eight in August, so. Oh my God, okay, you're further down the road. Sona's are only almost three.

They're gonna be three in July. Yeah. That's a rough age for sure. Yeah, yeah. I feel it gets better. But there's that age where they just eat anything. They just swallow anything. And they're in opposite directions. And yeah, yeah.

So it was convenient when they were like three, I kind of knew what to worry about and like what not to. And yeah, and now that my kids are older, they're, you know, in second grade, I tell them, because I get school nurse calls too of like dares and kids, you know, it's their job to be stupid and they just do really dumb stuff. And I just tell the kids like, don't, like they have these really spicy chips that kids eat

to like see who could handle the spiciest thing and I'm like, don't do it. Just say no, you know? Yeah, but the problem is I'm a full grown, full ass mature adult and I went on hot ones. And I went out of my way to ingest as much poison as I could just because I thought it would be funny. So I am no more mature than a four-year-old boy.

But it was funny. Oh, I got my laughs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it was worth it. It was worth the physical. It was worth it for me, yeah. Yeah, yeah. We enjoyed it. As long as you laughed, I'm happy.

Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah, sometimes the trade-off might be worth it. I guess you gotta weigh that, but, you know. Well, Pam, you are a... I'm just so funny. Poison control person, but you're a ray of sunshine, which is... You really are. Yeah, it's very nice talking to you.

And I am gonna request you. I'm gonna request you when I call. You're gonna travel to her city to take poison. That's what I'm gonna do. No, to her city to take poison. You're sure I'm gonna do? No, I'm gonna take the poison accidentally. Realize, uh-oh, this is a problem. Immediately book a flight to New York. Have a car waiting that will drive me

to Southington, Connecticut. And then from there, I will call and I will say, I will only speak to Pam and they'll say, she doesn't work Thursdays. And then Pam, I'm coming to your house. Yeah. All right. So nice talking to you.

Yeah, so nice talking to you too. Take care. All right. Take care everybody. Bye-bye. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam O'Fessian and Matt Gourley produced by me Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs Nick Leal and Jeff Ross at team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at your wolf theme song by the White Stripes

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