Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Zach Braff

Episode Date: April 3, 2023

Actor and filmmaker Zach Braff feels so honored about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Zach sits down with Conan to discuss his complicated Jewish upbringing, meeting his real-life best friend Donald Faison on Scrubs, and his new film A Good Person. Later, Matt and Sona recap running afoul of the law while recording an episode of Mallwalkin’.

Hi, my name is Zach Braff and I feel so honored about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Thank you for reading that just as I dictated it to you minutes ago. Hey, it's Conan O'Brien. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined as always by my stalwart companions, Matt Gorely and Sona Movesessian. And a quick shout out to Eduardo. He's our genius sound engineer here. I thought you just pushed a button when it was time for us to record. But I saw you, it looked like you were booking me an airline seat. You were on the computer for about 10 minutes. I genuinely caught off guard by this shout out. This is the way I like my shout outs. I like to catch someone unawares.

But don't you just push a button to record or is it a whole process? Not quite. It's a few buttons. But sometimes we push a button, we push a fader up, push a fader down. Okay, what are you, a DJ? What is happening? I understand. Look at him. It can't be that complicated. It is. It's not the most complicated, but it does require, you know, for instance... Other people in the room can't hear me right now. You guys can. Yeah. The magic of a slider. Now my voice is back on. All right. That's cool. That didn't change for us. No, that won't. None of the listeners will get that. They will hear the voice. They'll hear it, but we didn't hear anything. And that's by design.

We heard nothing and it was like you were the saddest magician of all time. How about, how about, wait, what were you saying? What do you mean? You're the saddest kid's magician? Yeah. No. Why don't you, why don't you tell us something? Give us a riff. Give us one of your best one liners. Okay. How about this? Four score. Oh, that's really nice. Oh, and Sona and I can just talk? We can just talk. We don't have to hear him? Yeah, exactly. Could we keep that, like lock that button? And how do you actually put a screw

into a button so that it doesn't... Can you just put a heavy pebble on that button so that it's always operating? Yeah, I have that by default. Now, we haven't talked about this before, but is there a way to affect my voice so I have more testosterone? Wait, the sound or just so you actually as a human get more testosterone? I actually want to have more testosterone. There is a way we can introduce things like reverb to your voice, for instance. Yeah. Let's see if we can get some of this. Oh, okay. Hello. Hello. Well, that just sounds like I'm the same guy, but I fell in well.

Does that sound at all like when you have your voice inside your head talking to you and like criticizing yourself? Yeah, let's do that. This is me in childhood. Go ahead. Okay, here we go. You, you'll never get a girlfriend. God, what's wrong with you? When someone throws a ball to you just to catch up, it's time to rock and silence. That was fantastic. That was what it was like. Your, your voice inside your head lives in like a giant grain silo. It does. Yeah, my head is a big empty space. And then there's just some old grain on the floor. Wow, that was cool. So here's a chorus effect. Can you guys hear this? Yeah. Test, test, test. Oh, okay.

You sound like Hal, 9000 or golly. Oh my God. Hal, open the pod bay, Hal. Cone, open the pod bay. I'm sorry, golly. I can't open the pod bay. I have travel all the way out to goddamn Jupiter and you're the voice of the computer. That's right, golly. You'll be trapped with me forever. Oh my God. And I'm in control of the ship. I've had all of your fancy bakelite clocks that you purchased at the Rose Bowl swap meet and arranged fastidiously in your house on your special shelf destroyed. What's that big space baby doing out there? It's growing. It's a fetus now, but soon it will grow to so much more. Golly, I have one question. Yes?

We're here in deep space and you're in a spaceship and it's the future and you're wearing a cardigan. Yeah. You're goddamn right. I am your shithead. Okay, golly. Hey Hal, I got a question for you. Yeah. We're out in deep space. You're a computer. That's right. And you're wearing some kind of athleisure zip up sweater. It was sent to me by Mizan and Maine. It's a freebie because I read an ad. Higher forms of life always take advantage of a freebie. Mizan and Maine, athleisure wear for the computer in deep space. That's fun. It's fun to play with.

There you go. I'll have more for you next time. I promise. Okay. All right. Good. Well, I think, you know, all right. Well, that was fun playing with the voice. We're going to work on that Eduardo, but also a serious shout out to you. You do an amazing job. Thank you. Insult to come. My guest today. Now you're just handing out IOU insults instead of even having the energy to do it. Hey, I don't got one right now, but I'll get you later. Oh, my God. That's both insulting and just rude. And lazy. Yeah, lazy. And lazy. Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah. Well, I'll get you later with a really good in sick burn to come. All right. Well, my guest today is an actor, writer and director who played JD for nine seasons on the hit TV series Scrubs. He now has a new film, which he wrote and directed called A Good Person Out Now. Zach Braff, welcome. You know, it's so nice. You light up a room. I'm going to say that. Thank you. I had a Christmas party. Yeah. Not long ago. And at the last second, I crashed it. Well, you didn't crash a mutual friend.

Yes. Revealed that he said, is it okay if I bring my friend, Zach Braff? And I said, what do you mean? Is it okay? Who's unhappy to see Zach Braff? Thank you. You are a very well liked fellow. It was a very fancy party. I mean, you have a lot of friends. I know the gag here is that you need a friend, but you have a lot of fancy friends. Well, that's no, those are that's everyone who's done the podcast. And when you sign the release, it says you have to go to my Christmas party. But it was really, but I love the phrasing of, is it okay if Zach Braff comes?

Well, what happened was our mutual friend said he was going and I was like, wow, I love Conan. And I'm pretty sure after all these years, I have a pretty decent sense that Conan liked me. But I'm not. Ouch. I haven't been invited to the party. Because I didn't, I mean, first of all, I mean, we don't hang out socially. We have a couple of times, but not that much. But anyway, so I said, I think I, and he goes, well, you know, obviously be respectful. I'll just call an ask. And I got a yes. And I was like, oh, well, now I gotta, I gotta look good for Conan. Yeah. Because I felt like it was a bit of an audition.

You were wearing a gorgeous gown. No, I didn't. Beautiful. Silk. That was a contender for the Emmys. And I said, you know what? But you know, I saw you and immediately we're hanging out. We're having a really good time. And everybody was excited to see you. Yeah. I should point out, yeah, of course. No, they were. But, but I should say, I keep saying our mutual friend or mutual friend, we should reveal it's Mr. T. Mr. T. I wish it was Mr. T. It was, wouldn't it be cool if the three of us just cruised around and had fun? It's, it's Bill Lawrence, who is, is an incredible friend of mine and mentor to me.

And he created Scrubs. He created one of the creators of Ted Lasso and is one of the creators of this new show, Shrinking. And he's, he's one of my best friends and also been a huge big brother mentor to me, who is also your friend. Yeah. He's a very good man. Extremely talented. Yes. Very funny. Great guy. And yeah. So I was so glad that he brought you along. And that made me think, man, we got to grab this guy for the podcast. Thank you. And I left the party thinking, I need more cool friends because I only have a few friends and they're cool. I love them. But like, you have a lot of cool friends. Yeah, I guess. Or it's not just a Christmas party and you just really stack in it.

Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's all stacked. And you see that. I hung out with Paul Rubens at your house. Isn't that crazy? I've met Paul and he's very sweet. He sends me a Christmas card and a birthday card every single year, but I've never hung out with him socially other than to meet him. Very sweet guy. Couldn't have been nicer. And he was at your house and I was just like, I can't believe I'm like chilling with Paul Rubens. Also, the urge to call him Peewee is so strong. I don't. No. And you have to call him, he is Paul. He's Paul Rubens and you get used to that.

But I'm, you know, I've been with him when people are like, Peewee. It's not Peewee now. He's Paul. He becomes Peewee. I'm sorry I did that. I love Peewee. I think you did actually. I did. Did I? I don't think I did. No, I'm pretty sure you did. I loved his show when I was young. Of course. Well, it was revolutionary. I had the doll that you pulled the string. I had cherry that you put him in.

Yes. Well, also it was so revolutionary because it was that show that you could watch on two levels. Yes, absolutely. I mean, there were kids watching it, just loving Peewee. And then there were all of us watching it on this completely different level. So subversive and cool. In a way, it was, it was like kind of that before The Simpsons was that like, right? Right. I mean, I feel weird. I think that's fair. I fear we're telling you that, but it's like it was, it was an early thing that was kids will get it on one level, adults will get it on another.

Yes. There's all kinds of stuff going on in The Simpsons that you now watch, you know, I mean, that's the, that's the, I think the, I mean, Batman series of the 60s was the same thing where you can watch it. Wow. Batman got the Joker, but when you're a little older or they should, when you're seeing it and you're watching it and you're thinking, oh my God, they're making all this commentary on all this insane stuff like that's going on in the world. And instead of, what is the mayor of Gotham? Is Mayor Lindsey as in Lindsey Doyle? Instead of, yeah, Lindsey, who was the mayor of, you know, and it's also so campy, which as a kid, I didn't clock or understand. No, you don't understand that. We're not meant to understand.

Yeah. But now you watch it and it's hilarious because it's like, he has bat shark spray on him when he, just when they encounter the shark, you know. There's so much, I'm really happy because we've, I think you did, my various late night shows, you were on like 11 or 12 times and always a reliably great guest. And I thought, in that format, I couldn't really get to know you because it's a very different situation. There's a band and it's, you've got seven minutes with Zach and then we move on, you know, we go. And I thought, I'd really like to get to know this guy. And I started to do looking into your past and I was really surprised by a couple of things, which is I didn't realize

as you grew up in this, it's sort of a religiously schizophrenic situation where your dad is Jewish and your mom is Protestant. No, she converted before they got married because he was super into Judaism at the time and he wasn't going to marry a non-Jewish woman. So she converted. She was Protestant when she met him. Yes. And he said, I love you, but you would definitely need to convert for this to go further. And she didn't really have much connection to her religion and she was interested and she was very in love. And she said, okay, I'll do it. I love you and I don't not really connected to my own religion. So I'll do it. And then she, as what happens with some people, she got super into it and like made my dad more religious. Like she made the family kosher.

This is not uncommon. This is quite, I mean, I've heard of this and I've known people that have gone through this where someone converts and then almost because it's new to them, they go further. Yeah, because also I think some of those people are looking for a thing, a looking for a passionate group or religion. And then when someone provides it with them in a really educated way, they go all in. They're like, this is amazing. I haven't had this. So it was kind of funny that then we were really religious and well, sir, I wasn't born yet. But by the time I was around, we were kosher and even as extreme as like doing separate dishes for meat and dairy and like for real kosher. And it surprised me as someone who was raised Catholic

when I've had years ago, I remember talking to a friend who was another comedy writer who was very orthodox and he had just moved into a new apartment. And there were things that took me by surprise. I remember talking to this friend of mine once and he said, yeah, I can't talk right now. There's a rabbi here with a blowtorch. What? And I said, what? And he said, well, he's in the kitchen and there's a special rabbi that comes who uses a blowtorch to burn out any trace of I'm guessing pork or shellfish or anything that could cost. They call it, they call it Traif, which is, I don't know if it's Yiddish or Hebrew for things that are not kosher. I was told, we never did this, but that if we messed up, the plate would have to be buried in

the backyard. Like if you put meat and cheese on that plate, it was done. So that way we're going to have to, no one's ever followed through on this. And I don't know if I'm naive to know if people who are super religious orthodox really do that. But that was sort of in the back of my childhood brain was like, don't mess up or this poor plate's going to get buried. They should use it as a pet. You know, it'd be great if they use them for skeet shooting instead. You know, if like, oh, wait, a little bit of cheese gone on that plate. And then suddenly it gets fired in the air and a bunch of rabbis with shotguns, shoot it to pieces. Rabbis with shotguns doing a, I just love that. They were just like, and that's, they were specialized. That's what they did.

They had guns, they were ready to go and they would shoot these, these Traif plates. I love Traif. Traif. I've heard that before. I've never heard that one. I wish that was my rap name. Do you need a rap name? Are you rapping? I am rapping and I'm DJ Traif. I don't know if you, I think I'm more likely to go to an Israeli rapper than you. I rap about all the things that are Traif and that we can't eat. What was funny is that my, what was funny that, so my mom then, they got divorced when I was around eight and my, my new stepfather was not into this at all. So, and then my mom again, being in, in love and, and accepting a new life was like, yeah, forget about all that. But what a whiplash

for you. You're going, yeah, that's because I was in joint custody. So we would go, my sister and I, I have two older brothers who, who opted out, but my sister and I would go a week with one and then a week with the other. And we were with my mom. We were not kosher and not religious. And we were with my dad. He was strict kosher and religious. It was, it was a trip. And so, and then when I was, when I turned 13, I had a bar mitzvah. And I, I, I did this sort of jiu-jitsu move on him because he was all about how now you are a man. And I said, well, if I'm a man now, I would like to eat a cheeseburger. Wow. How'd that go over? By the way, I don't mean to say that he wasn't an incredibly loving man. He was just a religious man. He, and so he, he, he got it.

I mean, he smiled at the jiu-jitsu, jiu-jitsu move. Right. But then he knew I was battling this thing of like mom's house one week, his house. And so it became like when you're in my home, I want, I wish I asked that you respect being kosher, but, but out in the world and whatever you are, I'm a young man now and you can do whatever you want. So many people that if your name comes up, I think the first thing they would think is because they, they know you as, you know, primarily as this performer on screen and you're very likable and chipper seeming. And I happen to know that a lot of anxiety when you were young. Yeah. Was that, do you think, was that stem from the divorce? Or do you think that was just a natural condition?

I think I definitely was a very anxious child. I got, I got diagnosed with OCDs very young. I was doing a lot of the tapping stuff that, that people suffer from. Yeah. It would, it would manifest in a weird way. Like the example I give to people who never had experienced any of this at all is you're a child and you say, if you don't kiss that teddy bear six times before you leave the room, something bad could happen to the family. And then even as a young, in your young brain, you go, I know that's not real probably, but just to be safe, let me do it. Exactly. Do I want to risk it? Why risk it? Right. It's like superstitions for, for, for regular people. Like, you don't, you don't walk under a ladder, you don't do this, you don't do

that. But it's for, in a child's brain, it's like, why would I possibly, why would I possibly risk it? But then, then the kisses of the teddy bear, you didn't quite get right. It looks, felt like, did I do six total? I think I miscounted. The bear doesn't look satisfied. The bear is seeing someone else. The bear, the love has gone out of this. Once the sex goes, it's over, says the bear. That's hilarious. I never thought of it like that. Like the bear was like, give me more. Yeah. But, but anyway, so there was a lot of that tapping stuff. And, and, and yeah, I think, of course, the divorce was stressful and, and joint custody is stressful. And, you know,

you would get settled in one home, then Sunday, you'd have to switch to a completely different environment. Right. And my sister and I would be quite upset because both environments were so different. And then it would take to like Wednesday to kind of get acclimated. Right. And then, and then you moved Sunday. So there was a lot of stress. I don't, I don't mean to, to blame that on my parents entirely. I think some of it is genetic and I was an anxious boy. Yeah. I relate to that just because I think I had, and, and, you know, my parents stayed together. I tried to get them to separate. I'm still working on it. My dad just turned 94. My mom's 91. And I still, I think it's time now that they, I said, look,

just try living separately for a while. I think they should see other people. Are they close? Are you close? What's that? Are you close to get them to do it? I think I'm pretty close. Okay. Several times I've driven my father to a motel. But he won't get out of the car. You drove in. I say, look, it's nice.

It's a, that's a comfort hotel. Single, it's a newly single at 94. Sounds pretty bad. Yeah. Any hotel that still says free HBO on the sign, you know, they haven't changed that sign since 1983. But it's, it's interesting how I'm curious if you're a people pleaser. Do you think you're a people pleaser? Yeah, I want, I'm definitely suffered from trying to have everybody like me.

I mean, that's when we're doing what we're doing. Exactly. It's, it's, it's quantitative. You're like, how many people watched? How many people tuned in? How many people laughed? How did it go? You can watch your, you know, we've both lived this life. I did on scrubs, you did on all your shows. Like what were the, what's the metric of how liked you were last night? Right.

Which is crazy because it's all changing. We're living at a time when it's changing at a rapid, rapid pace. I read the other day that, that the finale of MASH had 70 million people watch it. Yeah. And then when we think of the, the example like Sopranos, which is now sort of antiquated even as an example, but the three million people were watching that. Right.

And so now in 2023, you know, barely anybody's watching anything. People are popping champagne courts. If, if they got like nine people to watch, everyone's saying, wait, wait, it's three seasons guaranteed. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's a really, so, so, so I think you and I had that experience because we,

a lot of our, a chunk of our career was like, well, how well did you, what are the metrics of how well you did last week? You did theater as, you know, as a kid. You're coming along and then you get this, this big break with scrubs. Yeah. I had worked, I had a couple of jobs as a, as a child actor. I had a pilot for Bruce Paltrow for CBS that didn't go anywhere. And I didn't know that pilots didn't go pick up.

I was picked up. I was 14 years old and I was like, what does that mean not get picked up? I, I have a gift basket and there's a card that says, welcome to the CBS family. I think we're making more. And they were like, It's so confusing when you're young. Yeah. And you make it confusing when you're an adult as well.

It is, yes. It's also, yeah. So then, and then, and then when I was 18, I got cast in Manhattan murder mystery as Woody Allen and Diane Keaton's son in a scene. So my very first movie role was a scene at the 21 club with Woody Allen, Diane Keaton and Angelica Houston. Oh my God. So you went right to the deep end of the pool.

Yes. And then I didn't know, you know, when you're 18 and you get that part, you're like, do I, I had gotten into Northwestern film school. It was like, do I, do I go to school? Do I stay and ride this momentum? Cause it was a big deal. But I decided to go away to school and study filmmaking for four years to, to learn how to do that.

Right. That's, that's I think a very wise move clearly. And it's clearly worked. Thank you. And then I ended up, the long story short, I ended up in LA waiting tables. And, and then while I was waiting tables here in 2000, I got scrubs. And it's interesting, I think you've described one of the darkest periods of your life was between when you got scrubs, but the period between getting it and production starting.

And I'm thinking, explain that because you'd think that would be just a delightful time. Or was it, did it just, were you filled with fear and anxiety and imposter syndrome? I think I was excited, but also my anxiety oddly spiked a lot. I think it was probably like, oh no, it's real now and you're going to be judged. And it's not, you're not hiding out anymore. Like, but it, but it kicked me in the ass because I, I had been wrestling with this movie, the beginnings of this movie that I had started collecting pieces of the idea in film school. And then when I got out of film school, I really felt all these feelings.

I moved back home and I, but home didn't feel like home. And I had this kind of thesis that. Is this what became? And I had it all in pieces. And then it became, it was the beginnings of garden state. And when I had that time between, oh, I could quit my waiting job and we're not shooting for a while. I kind of said, well, come on, man, this is, if this isn't, if it's not now when, so I really sat down over those months in that sort of space and, and wrote the,

the real true first draft of garden state. And this is just as before a scrubs is, I was like 20, I was like 24 years old. What I can relate to is I remembered hating the time between when I was announced, hey, this guy is going to take over for David Letterman. This is way back in April of 93. And the start of the show, because I remembered wanting to be judged by my work. And I remember there was just this, no, I hadn't done anything. Right.

I kept thinking, love me or hate me. I just want to start making stuff. And then at least we can have the conversation. Right. Right. For a while, I was just, for a couple of months, I was just, you were putting under like extraordinary pressure. Yes.

Because everyone was like, who? Oh, oh, I'm like, how dare you? That's my, that's, that's my father. That's why I take him to the motel. I, yeah, I mean, it was, it was, yes, there was all of that insanity. And I remember just thinking, can we at least have, and then once I could start making stuff, people could hate me and we could be specific about why you hate me.

I never thought it would lie. I mean, it was too good to be true from my situation. The Scrubs pilot, it felt like it was written for me. I mean, Bill Lawrence and I, right off the bat, had such the same sense of humor. It just felt so too good to be true. So I just thought, you know, I was living so frugally that this pilot and like a couple of these episodes,

I could live for years off this, literally. And my mom was like, why did you quit your waiting tables job? I'm like, mom, I'm, I'm set for like, the way I've been living, like with like, you know, a burrito for lunch and PB and J for dinner, I am good for years on this salary from this pilot. And, and then it took off. And then it really, I didn't, I didn't have to go away tables ever. I think another thing too that's, it's lightning in a bottle,

but I think really good shows. And this is a credit to Bill Lawrence and that team is finding the right people. And it's, it has to be, at some point there has to be like divine intervention. But pairing you and Donald Faizon is this gift that keeps giving. And, and your relationship, you could, you could see it on the show that you guys really clicked and you had a kind of relationship that I hadn't seen two young men have before on a show. You're constantly hugging each other and telling each other you love, I love you.

It was, it's so sweet. Well, I think it was really funny. I think he was also doing a commentary on, on masculinity himself. And I think Bill was trying to, to show, you know, it became the term bromance, right? But like to show two best friends who love each other so much, they happen to be straight. But in, in, in, in all other ways, they're in, they're in love. They love each other and they just, all they want to do is spend time with each other. Bill, that's what I think was so great about what the characters that Bill created.

And of course, Donald and I really were that, like we met. Well, you could tell, you could tell, I could tell like watching the first season, I was like, oh, they're also screwing around acting like idiots off-camera and probably annoying people. Well, we met, we met, we literally met at the table read and it was love at first sight. And, and we became those characters. And then it fed itself because Bill would be like, what did you guys do this weekend? And we tell him some insane story. And then a week later, it would be a version of it in the script for the, for the characters.

Because we were, we became best friends and we were up to so many fun, crazy antics together. And we were inseparable. And to this day, I mean, I'm, I'm Godfather to his kids. He's my best friend. We, we do a Scrubs rewatch podcast together. We're doing a T-Mobile campaign together. You know, I was going to tell you that you get inundated with all these ads and you go, okay, enough already.

And then I'm watching TV one night and this ad came on where Doorbell rings and Donald opens the door and you're there and no lines are spoken during the ad. You're just holding up signs. It's an homage to love, actually. Yeah. It's an homage to love, actually, but you're just holding up those signs and, and no one's saying anything and it's about your affection for each other. And then also happens to be a T-Mobile ad.

And I love, I rarely really like an ad, but every time the ad came on, it kind of hit me happy. It did not make me get T-Mobile. Okay, wait a minute. I'm getting T-Mobile. I'm switching just because of that ad. But, but I thought that's rare that you can find two guys that can do that in an ad and not speak. And you're both are so skilled. You're saying it all with your faces.

Well, those ads are so funny because we shoot them on a cul-de-sac in Santa Clarita. And first it was just one. It was the Super Bowl ad last year, we did a West Side Stories booth. And it had such an insane reaction. And, and, and it was like, I think the number one or two ad of the views wise. And so they just kept coming back to us. And the funny thing is the whole concert is that we live next to each other in this cul-de-sac. So this cul-de-sac of people were like, we've shot like seven ads there now.

And they're like, they're just like, they've like unionized all the houses. I love that. They've gotten super savvy. Oh, as they should, of course. But I mean, they like, they like, so there's been so many of them. And that one, the one you liked was just an idea. The guy behind it, who's the Don Draper, is a very talented, funny man named Brian Clugman. And at that moment, we had, we had shot a different ad and he said, I have a funny idea.

But I mean, if we have enough time at the end of this spot, let's just bang it out real quick as a proof of concept. Right. And we did that. We shot it in one, not the one you saw, but we shot it in one take. And, and they sent it off to T-Mobile. And they were like, yes, that's the Christmas campaign. We actually came back to make it look better and put fake snow on the ground.

But it had been sort of just a little spec thing that was a, a afterthought. That's how the good things happen. Yeah. So many, so many of the best like hits in rock and roll where this will be a B side. Let's just, I don't even like this one and then it becomes satisfaction. Right. You know, but having a kind of relationship like that with someone in this business and having everybody be able to read it instantly.

Like, oh, great. It's, it's those two. They're, they're together again. Because it's authentic. I think people know when things aren't authentic. And that is most certainly authentic. I mean, we're, we're, we are best friends. We talk every day.

We, it's funny because his, his wife is also is one of my best girl from, we female friends. And so we're on this text chain. The three of us, it's like a thrupple. Well, now it's getting kinky. Well, friends with zero benefits. But, but anyway, they're, they're my best friends. And so it's, it's, it's, it's real. Have you ever been, has Donald ever given you a signal enough already?

My wife and I need to go see. We'd like to go to this movie without you. No, no, no, they let me. I think you're not picking up on. No, they have plenty of time for their sexual relations. I'm not, I'm not like, I'm not like to leave me on FaceTime in the corner of the room while you guys pick up. Well, I only bring it up because I have that relationship with a couple of people

where I insist that I'm in the background on FaceTime all the time. I enjoy it. It's erotic. I love, I love them as we do everything together. It's fun. So I'm trying to think of the chronology because as scrubs ended completely when you do garden stay. No, no, I was, I was very young.

It was, it was the, it was, I think after the second or third season of scrubs. Because I, I, my, my second, my first hiatus from scrubs, I was in a production of the, of 12th night at the Delacorte, Shakespeare in the park in New York, which had always been a dream of mine. And then I remember while being there writing Natalie Portman a letter because I had, she was my first choice. I didn't have everything she'd say yes, but she was like the archetype of who I picture. Sure.

Yeah. And, and I knew that she had done the seagull there. So I thought, oh, this will be a good angle. I'm sitting in the same dressing room where she once sat and I'll write her a very personal note to saying, please consider the script. And then she said yes over, over that, over that season two. So we may have, it may have been after season two or three, I forgot, but we shot in 2003, whatever that was.

I mean, first of all, getting Natalie Portman and, and this is your directorial debut. Yeah. And I'm young. Very young. Very young. And I remember it at the time it being, it, you know, you're stepping out of your comfort zone to say like, I'm on this successful sitcom.

Everyone knows me as this guy, as this character, but I am going to make this movie. And something that's very vulnerable saying like, hey, here are the things I've dealt with here. I mean, it's very, it was, I had so much chutzpah when I think back. I didn't know what I didn't know. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. But that's, that's another gift too.

It is. Is to be, I mean, we're right to get in a time machine now knowing everything I know. And someone said, okay, it's 1993. What you're going to do is I'd say no. That's fucking crazy. Yeah. No. And that's going to be painful and awful.

And I'm going to get knocked around and no, I'm just going to stay right here in this arm chair. Because it's great not to know. Yeah. I didn't know anything. It's a superpower. It's a superpower. That's a great way to put it. And so, and amazing things happened.

I mean, it became a, you know, no one wanted to, to fund it at first. No one knew, you know, it was, it was a sort of different kind of screenplay where the third act should go. The character just go off on a quest for a piece of jewelry we've never heard about. Right. Right. It didn't really follow a, I was being a little bit brave with, with structure. And, and so it was hard to find someone to, to, to make it.

And then I did. And then we had a really meaningful Sundance sale. And then it went on to become really successful. How terrifying. It all worked out so well. But how terrified, just knowing you, how scared were you? I always try to delineate. I've never been in this film business.

I've always been in a, let's get in there. Think of a couple of ideas. Okay. These seem pretty good. Let's get out there and do it. Bang. Crowd seem to like it. Let's go.

What's the next one? Or a crowd didn't like it. Well, we'll get them tomorrow. Yeah. And this idea that you're putting that much time and so much of yourself into something and you're so young and then it's all, it's coming out. Yeah. It's coming out.

How scary must it be? It was terrifying. It's, but I feel the same way now. I have a new movie coming out. It's so, you're so vulnerable. But what else can you do? I mean, I think when you, when you choose this career, it's like, what else are you going to do?

You have to, you have to do it. You have to make stuff and go, okay, hear world. But in the spirit of not knowing what it, no, I had never, I'd never put myself out there. Scrubs, I was hiding behind the great Bill Lawrence. I just, I just did what he said to do and improv some jokes and, and it worked. But I, he was, he was the face of it, I mean, in Hollywood at least. Garden State was the first time saying, hey world, these are some of my thoughts and feelings. Right.

Love them or hate them. And so that's terrifying. Yeah. You said, hey, now you're going to listen to me. See. No, you say, hey, please. Maybe look at this. No, but I remember at the time, you doing a lot of interviews,

you're saying, now you're all going to listen to me. See. And you had a big cigar. No, I just, I cut, you're thinking of somebody else. I'm thinking of guys and dolls. You're thinking of whenever they do like old like movies, charities are like, I had a pound, you. Well, let's talk about a good person because I watched this last night

and you did an amazing job and you have, you wrote this, you directed it. I don't want to give away too much, but it is a, it is a heavy movie in places in, but it has to be. I mean, you're talking about the main character who's played by Florence Pugh goes through this incredible, very intense situation early in the film that reverberates throughout the rest of the movie. But I mean, the cast, Morgan Freeman. Yeah.

I mean. You'd be extraordinary. I just was, I, how do you get Morgan Freeman to do your movie? Well, I'll start with that. I had made a studio sort of heist film. It was a remake of going in style with, with him, Michael Keaton and Alan Arkin. And so we had a relationship, but I never thought he was even a possibility because this was a little tiny budget indie and Morgan doesn't usually do those.

So I wrote the movie for Florence. We were in a relationship and I just think she's the most incredible young actress on the planet. I was, I was and am in awe of her. And, and I was dealing with a lot of grief. So, which I can talk about more if you want, but, but I'll just circle back to Morgan. I wrote this piece, it was about, I wanted to mix the story of grief with humor because I don't want anything that's too maudlin.

I mean, yes, there's a lot of drama in the film, but there's a lot of humor as well. Yes, there is. Yeah. And, and so it was a real, it became real. And I said, I'm just going to start with, and there was a character of a senior citizen who I wanted to be some great acting legend. And I thought, well, why don't I, this is crazy. He's never going to do it because we can't afford to pay him the Morgan Freeman amount of money.

But I do know him and I know he likes me. So let me try. And I remember Florence, we were in my, my den and my phone ring and the times Morgan and I have communicated, it's never been over a phone call. It's always been her favorite Kurt texts. But my phone rang and she held it up and it said, Morgan Freeman. Oh, wow. And I grabbed it and I was like, she's like, answer it, answer it.

And I picked it up and he said, I see myself on every page of the script. Oh, wow. It's fantastic. And that's when my life changed again. And he said, he goes, I don't normally do this, but meaning attach myself to a movie that wasn't even really fully set up yet, but, but I'm with you. And then of course we were, we were on our way to being made. It's so crazy because I mean, that's an amazing story in and of itself, but also

Morgan Freeman has the most next to like James Earl Jones, the most iconic voice. And especially voice over voice. Yeah. He used to be my voicemail message because he lost the, when we were, when we were making going in style, he, he lost a bet to me. And my prize was that he was my outgoing voicemail. What was the map? What was the message?

It was like, hello, this is Morgan Freeman. And Zach can't come to the phone. Oh, that's fantastic. Oh my God. Zach can't come to the phone. He's with Andy Dufresne. I guess I just miss my friend. I miss my friend.

Because hope is a thing that you have to hang on to. It'd be great if it just kept going and going and going. The penguin must sit on the eggs. Wait, we're doing, we're doing that now? He does have the most beautiful voice. Oh my God. Well, I mean, he's fantastic. And I mean, God Florence Pugh is incandescent.

She's, she's next level. Yeah. And, and you- And also there's Molly Shannon as well. Molly Shannon playing the mom is, is terrific. You know, what I, what, what I like is I'm drawn to stories where everybody's vulnerable. I think we all have our own stuff.

And, and, and- Not me. I would accept you. Yeah. No. No. Really? Yeah.

That doesn't at all check with what we know of you. I think you have a skewed view, but I- Anyway. All right. Is there, you know, because I'm thinking, again, I'm trying to put myself in, in, in your place, which is impossible, but if, if I say cut, and then I have to go up and give Morgan Freeman a note.

You know what I mean? I just, it feels like it would be you. Yes, you are, you are, you have earned the right. You're a, a proven director. And you've, you're the writer director of this film. And you've, you've earned the right, but still it's Morgan Freeman. And you must flash back to, I remembered when I was working at Chili's. With Morgan Freeman.

With Morgan Freeman, but it was his Chili's. He was the manager. It's funny you say that. Well, first of all, Morgan really only would prefer to do one take of every single thing. Oh, wow. But as a director, that's usually impossible because, you know, there's multiple, Morgan Freeman is truly almost always perfect. But, you know, there's, there's a background person that crossed in the wrong spot,

or the camera was out of focus. So you, you often are in the position as a filmmaker of saying, okay, that was an awesome take one. We're going to go again. And then you would hear, why? Oh my God. Wow. And then I'd be like, Morgan, you were awesome.

We can do better with the camera. And also can we change those blinds? And can you not cross when, when that, you know, you're directing the movie like you normally do. But, but part of it is like he's, he's very, he teases like that. He's very, he's like, but that's his, that's his vibe. But I mean, a little bit of it is like, let's keep moving. But he knows I'm going to do more than one take. And in, in terms of directing thing, I would say the best analogy I can use

with someone like him or someone like Florence Pugh, you're not teaching or telling them how to act. Right. You're having a, it's, it's analogous to a conductor who has a genius first violinist. I, I can't play the violin like that person can. But I can say, I need to hear the bassoons a little more. So at that section, can you quiet down? Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

So I'm not going to him and being like, bro, what are you doing? Morgan, Jesus, Morgan. What the hell was that? I'm going to him and engaging in a conversation going, do you think that maybe in this scene, it should be more X because later we're going to do Y. Right. And then he, and then more often than not, he's like, that's good. Let's do that.

Let's do that. So if I had gone up to him and said, hey, Morgan, it's called acting. That would have been horrible. Let's give it a try. Shall we? That wouldn't have worked. Shortest directing career ever. Conan O'Brien was a movie director for, it says here eight seconds.

For one take. Yeah. For one take. You wouldn't even, you wouldn't even, you wouldn't even gotten the wow. Oh no. Oh, I know what would have happened. Suddenly he's not there. I also think people are packing up equipment.

I also think as an actor, obviously not of that stature, but as an actor myself, I want direction. Whether you're, whether you're a super famous director or it's your first film, I want you, this is your thing. I want to be steered. Please steer me. You know what I mean? Right.

I, I mean, I find it all fascinating because it's not my world and I'm so impressed by it because I know how much work goes into it. The times I've had any glimpse at all of movie making. I just think, oh my God. I know people want to visit and then they come visit and they're like, this is so fucking boring. Right. They're adjusting that light for six hours.

Any time anyone comes to visit a set for the first time, you're like, I can't believe how slow and boring this is. Well, because I think your average person, and I'll include myself, when you go to a movie set, especially when you're, if you're younger, you think that if you're going to see a movie like 48 hours, you're going to see, you know, you're going to see Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy in a car firing guns, smashing through things and saying funny things.

No, you're not going to see that at all. You're going to see someone opening a door with a camera. Okay, let's try it again. Different angle. Nope. Fix that light. Yeah. That's what you're going to see.

Can someone oil the hinge? Why did we go with brass hinges? You know, let's take 20 and change the hinges out. Let's throw those hinges out. Guys, the new hinges, the new hinges are squeaking. We need to oil the new hinges. These really, someone should do a blooper reel, boring, it's all that stuff.

Well, you know what's great? It's incredibly boring. Have you ever seen Living in Oblivion? No, no, I haven't. That's a great movie that, and it's an older movie. It's, I think in the 90s, I mean, not that older, but it's a great spoof of making an indie movie. And I highly recommend it.

Who's in it? It's... Well, Peter Dinklage is one of his first films, right? And Catherine Keener. Maybe I have. It's a really good time to go. A lot of the 90s for me is... What's clever is that they, when they're doing the,

when they're, when it's all the behind the scenes, which is the chunk of the movie, it's black and white. But when they call action, they pop into the camera, and now it's in color. So it's kind of like a, you know, backstage in front of the curtain kind of thing. You know what I mean? Like, you're kind of getting both viewpoints.

Right. So it's a lot of fun. And it's so accurately spoofed the struggle to try and make an indie movie on a budget and on a schedule. Well, that's a good person. And I can't imagine what went into making it, just like emotionally and also just the sheer hard work. It was really, it was really, I'm, but I'm really proud of it.

And I hope people go check it out. It's a struggle to get people to go to the theaters these days. So here's my, my blatant ask to go check it out in the theaters. It's, it's, it's beautifully shot by an amazing cinematographer. And, and I really do believe they both give pretty outstanding performances. Yeah, they do. You know that because you saw it. I do know that.

And, and also if it helps, I'm putting a brand new microwave oven, still in the box under one of the seats in one of the theaters. This thing retails for like $160. I didn't say it was a good microwave. So when you're in the theater, make sure to look under your seat. Yeah. Just briefly, but don't keep your eye on the screen. And how are you right now?

Are you, now that this process is done, you're in a good place? I am in a good place. I'm, I'm, I have a lot of fun stuff happening. I directed an episode of Bill's new show, Shrinking, which I'm, which I'm really proud of. I think it's a really good show. And, and releasing this movie, which has been my baby for so long, it was, it was ready to be released at the end of last year,

but Florence had two other big movies come out. And so we decided to hold it for the spring. So, you know, it's holding something you're proud of that you want to share with the world back for so long is now it's finally coming out. So it's really exciting. Yeah, that's the thing that I say I can't, you know, I'm in me. We think of it, it's gone. But what about the Simpsons?

I mean, there's a, oh, that was different. That was really, you knew you had written a funny joke and you had to wait like how long to see. Yes, I know, I know. That was a different experience, but that was so long ago. I mean, Simpsons fans will come up to me and talk to me as if I just finished working on the episode that I worked on that they liked. And I'll, I have to explain to them, because they're so young that I'm,

you know, I think you wrote it like recently. Or else they don't really, they just, they just think, oh, so, you know, they're quoting lines from things. And I'll think, I don't know what you're talking about. You know, it's like telling a, whatever, a Confederate soldier who's like 98. You remember that in that first battle? I'm like, no, I don't. I don't remember.

It was so long ago. I should have said Union. I know, I was really confused about your choice of a Confederate soldier. Can I just say, I just like the cap they had that cap was a good cap. Yeah, the Union guys had those too. Yeah. No, they were blue. I like a gray cap, a gray, a blue cap is too striking.

I just like the world where you're going and chatting up old Confederate soldiers. Yeah, what's, I want to see that podcast. They've got stories to tell. It sounds like a podcast to me. Yeah. Let's do a much better guest than me. I think they'll talk to me about this, but I do remember back then the time between thinking of the idea for an episode and seeing it could be a year.

I know. It could be more than a year because it was animation. That's what's crazy about animation, and it's really is analogous here, because I've had to wait so long. We completed it, and we had to wait so long to finally share it. Made me think of you in animation like, wow, we're all so proud of that episode. It's going to be a year for anyone to see it. Right, right.

Well, it's, there's so many people that never, and I see them all the time because, I mean, here we make our podcast in Larchmont in LA. There are all these cafes, and I always see as people working on their screenplay. Yeah, that's what people came out here to do is to write their screenplay. And I was sitting yesterday with two of the guys I work with, Mike and Matt, and they were, just, I think there were four people around me working on screenplays. And I think it's just, it's such a gift to get something made because so many things aren't made. Yeah, it's the most insane obstacle course to get anything made.

I mean, it's, even with Morgan Freeman and Florence Pugh starring, it's not like, you know, everyone's going to make it. I mean, you have to find the right person who wants to make it. Yeah, you also want to make someone, you want to find someone who's going to honor the vision. They're going to let you make it how you want to make it. Exactly. And not say, we have an idea. They're buddy cops.

Yeah, yeah. Not what I wrote. Yeah, I wrote a story about loss and, you know, crossing generations and how people, nope. There's another, there's another great thing you'll love. I don't know if you've ever watched, there was a spoof of the pilot making process called the TV set with David DeCovney. Oh, I think I did see that. I highly recommend that too.

You'll love that. But there's a funny moment in that where DeCovney plays the showrunner and it's his idea and they're, they're finally making this thing and Sigourney Weaver plays the head of the studio and she comes to him and she goes, look, we want to talk to you about the suicide thing with your brother in the story. And he goes, that was the whole impetus for the script. I mean, the reason, the reason I wrote the script was my brother's suicide and that started the whole story and it's kind of the whole foundation upon which this is built.

And there's a long pause and she goes, but what if it wasn't? Well, Zach Braff, congratulations on a good person and on an excellent career. Thank you. And thank you for being so supportive of me. Well, through all the years, you've always been a cheerleader of mine and I really genuinely appreciate it. Well, you're, I mean, since the first time I saw you, I thought this guy's really funny and you have such a great energy and spirit.

And so, and I'm glad, I'm proud of what you've, proud. I always, it's so funny, but I'm, because I'm older than so many of the people that I interview in, you know, including Patrick Stewart. As they get younger, I get older. No, but I do, when young, when super young people come on my, came on my late night show and I liked them and then they go on to challenge themselves and do cool things. I always take a little bit of like, oh, good for you as if you were my son. Well, you can, you can say that and you can say proud because I,

you knew me right when I was wide eyed in beginning and, and I'm your orthodox father. This is the weirdest version of Star Wars. This is the way. What a twist. You didn't see that coming. Luke, I'm your orthodox father. We have to get a blowtorch in the kitchen. Someone make bacon.

Someone write that up. Come on. Hey, Zach, thank you so much for doing this. Really cool. That was great. Thank you. I heard some disturbing news today and I'd like to investigate. Let me explain.

I'll do a little background first. Mr. Gorley, Matt Gorley, as you may know him or just Matt, obviously does a terrific job here at the show and constantly crafting the, the program and making it sound perfect. I think we've covered it. Yep, we're done. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, there's, there's more to cover. Matt is also a bit of a slut when it comes to podcasts. That's true.

He's always out there. I mean, I would think being on Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend would be enough. I mean, this is, this is a big deal. But no, he is always off working on hundreds and hundreds of other podcasts. I'm the Wilt Chamberlain of podcasts. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. You cannot be sated.

You, you keep going and you're always, you're always out to conquer another podcast that you meet in a club late at night and then bring back to your creepy 1970s house with extra high doorways. But anyway, enough. I wish I could refute you on it. Yes. But recently, Matt was telling us all in the studio, because we hang around sometimes, we're, we're friends off mic and just, just pretend the advertisers like it.

So they do. Oh yeah. They want friendship in order to. They just like it. They want people to buy into this as a real family, like the royal family. But we all know deep down what's happening behind the scenes. Anyway, so Matt was telling us he had a new idea for a podcast called Mall Walken where he walks around a mall and maybe he has a special guest with him and just walks

around a mall and sees what happened. So I think, well, interesting idea. And again, confused that he needs, I mean, the man has a child and a wife and he's working with Conan O'Brien. Why does he need this? But that's his choice, not mine. And then yesterday, I was working with Sona. You were helping me out with something.

Yeah. And we were working on a project together. And you just happened to mention that you were a guest on Mall Walken. Yeah, I was. With Matt Gorley. And that things went a little off the rails. And now I turn it over to you two. Well, I mean, it wasn't.

First of all, I asked to be on Mall Walken. And I was happy, happy to have you. We do this show with my friend Mark McConville and we went to the mall, which is called The Shops at Santa Anita. Right. And we did what we always do. We walk in with three handheld mics, although we only had two wireless receivers. So I was tethered to Mark with a 20-foot cable.

Wait a minute. But not the whole time. No, because we had a malfunction. So there was a malfunction. So because I would think the whole idea of doing a podcast called Mall Walken is that you want to be not too obtrusive. Right. You want to sort of fly under the radar.

And yet you were lashed to your friend with a cable. Yes. Yeah. Because of what was the malfunction? The wireless receiver on one of the mics wasn't working. Right. Right. OK.

Yeah. And they had a it could not have been a longer cable. I just want to make sure it's, there's no way you can't notice this extremely long cable. Right. And they're standing right next to each other. So it's dragging on the floor. Wait, you didn't coil it up? Why didn't you coil it up?

Well, we did. But we got to, you know, we got to spread out at times where he's going to the Lid store. And I want to check out a hot topic, you know? But sure, you can't. You can't have a long cord between the two of you in a busy mall. We did. OK. We clothes lined some people.

All right. OK. So, so, so, Sona, you're part of this. I am. And tell us what's happening. So we started off, I had clothes to return at Old Navy. Which we did on Mike. We returned clothes on Mike. We returned clothes.

How am I not listening to this podcast? This is fantastic. Anyway, just walk the entire second floor, store to store. We're talking about what we see, you know, and then we're talking about the candy dispensers. I mean, it's really riveting stuff. And then we get to the end of the second floor and someone stopped us, the security guard. Yeah. We haven't been to the first floor yet.

So halfway through. Right. So you're halfway through this show. You've returned some clothes. And you've looked in lids. And got a seas candy chocolate thing. Oh, that's right. Yeah, I made Matt pay for it.

Can't forget that. Expensed it to the mall walking. Yeah, which has an offshore account. I know that this is all ways for you to launder cash. It is a front. So you're doing all that and then you get to the end of the second floor of the mall and you're approached by a security guard. And why don't you take it here, man?

Well, he was the sweetest man. And he seemed also kind of reluctant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Sona kind of took over. And as she does. Yeah. And thank God, because she was brilliant and she was really kind, but also very matter of fact, basically said,

what would your supervisor say to this? Let's speak to them. So it outcomes his boss, who then recognized Sona. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So he's like, you look familiar. And then, you know, I mean, usually it's because they watch you.

So I was like, oh, I work for Conan O'Brien. And he goes, yeah, you know, I'm team Coco for life. And so we were like. I love this guy. Yeah. But then we were like, so can we record? And he's like, no, no. Absolutely not. Wow.

Yeah, it didn't help us. He's team Coco for life. I love team Coco. I love Conan. Can you help us out a little bit? No, I cannot. Which then we asked to go above his head and they walked us back to the management office.

Yes. Okay. And by the way, your cable is still unspooling this whole time. 900 feet of cable. And by the way, old women on walkers are tumbling left and right. You just keep hearing in the background. Oh, my God.

Clunk, shatter. Yeah, we went to the office of the mall, which was pretty cool. Okay. So you went into the, yeah, I mean, this is again, if you're going to check out anything at the mall, I think the administrative office would be the place. This podcast opens doors. Yeah. So, so you're in there and are you still recording?

Yes. And then technically they asked us to stop, but we kept recording. Well, the old trick is to say we've stopped, but not stopped. Right. And we did do that. And we spoke to two very nice women and they said, we can't let you record today, but here's our business card.

You can email and get permission, which I did. Never heard from them. Oh. Pinged them back, heard from a new lady. She said, can you please describe the podcast? I did, never heard from her again. Got ghosted. So, what we need you to do, and I'm glad you brought this up,

yeah. Is call out shops at Santa Anita and say, let Free Sona and Matt and Mark. Yeah. Okay. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to quote a really good guy. He's a security guard at shops at Santa Anita and say,

I can't help you. Come on. Come on. Come on. The three of us want to go back for part two. I'm channeling the guy's team Coco and I got to go with team Coco. I can't help you. Yeah.

Conan, imagine if you had the godfather without the godfather part two. We have not even been on the first floor of this mall. It's exactly the same. You're right. Yeah. Well, first of all, godfather alone, I think people would still regard as one of the greatest movies of all time. As they would this episode of the podcast.

But if you say without the godfather part two, you don't have the godfather. No, you still have the godfather and everyone's very happy. So, that analogy doesn't hold. Well, they end each episode sitting on the massage chairs and we didn't even get to do that. So, I think that that alone. That's right.

Requires us to go back there. It's a loose tooth. I really need to check out the food court too. That's important. You can't go to a mall without looking at the food court. Okay. I love you guys. I work with you all the time.

We're a team. So, yes, I will help you. This is Conan O'Brien and this message goes out to shops at Santa Anita. Thank you. I'm asking you please to let Matt Gorley and Sona Movsesian come back. And Mark McConville. And Mark who? Mark McConville.

No, I'm not going to vouch for him. I don't know him. He's good. He's better than me. No, I don't. He might be great. I just don't know the guy. I can't vouch for him.

Okay. You have to get him in on your own. So, shops at Santa Anita, I wanted you to please, please allow Matt Gorley, Sona Movsesian, Mark McConville to come and record an episode of Mall Walking. It's... Mall Walking. Mall Walking.

I'm sorry. You don't say the G at the end. Of course. It's got an apostrophe. Thank you, Sona. Okay, thank you, Sona. That's a wonderful part of my pitch. And we'll make all the difference in this plea.

And I just ask that you consider this. This is great promotion for shops. It's Santa Anita. And third part of the Mark McConville zone. They're going to do a great job with Sona Movsesian. Can I get you saying a few different other malls so we could just plug that in and use that for... Okay, go ahead.

South Coast Plaza. Hey, South Coast Plaza. Do me a favor. The Americana brand. Hey, Americana brand. Conrad Bryant here. And I need your help. Sherman Oaks Galleria.

Hey, Sherman Oaks Galleria. I know I was banned in 1988. But please, hear me out and listen to this important message. And finally, the Citadel Outlet Mall. Hey, Citadel Outlet Mall. Conan O'Brien here. And I've got a special request that may turn out nicely for all of us. Yeah.

You know what I'll say? You should make it very clear to these people that this is advertising. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Did you mention that? No, but I didn't. If I had time to mentally prepare, I would have kicked in. But like, you know, who's going to the mall anymore, right?

We're doing them a favor. Okay, well, first of all, don't say who's going to the mall anymore. That's not going to get you back into the shops at Santa Anita. I'm saying dear Santa Anita. Like, people will listen to this podcast and flock to the mall. It's true. I wrote that in the email. Maybe that's why I haven't heard back because then they knew they couldn't take me seriously.

Well, listen, I do hope, I do hope you get back in there. And do you really? I do. Do you care? Yeah. Okay, that's good. I don't care a lot. Okay.

And barely care. But I do care. No, I'm thinking about it and I'm registering. You know, when the sun gets really low on the horizon at the end of the day, and there's still just a little bit of, like a little bit of glow, yeah. That's how much caring I have. That's a little bit. That's fine.

It's still there. I'll take it. I'll just take it. Yeah. And, you know, we'll see. And if this doesn't work, maybe I got to show up. Oh. You know?

And then you can just say one thing, bring them up. Because when people see Conan and Brian in the mall, there's going to be shit on the floor. Oh. Yeah. Oh. You're proud of that? And this is a selling point for Santa Anita? You want them to shit all over the mall?

I'm telling you what I want. I'm telling you what happens when I get recognized on the street. Okay. I have been responsible for more public defecation than anybody in the history of the medium. Well, I went to a restaurant with you in Santa Anita, and it's notorious for having a long wait, and they saw you and still made us wait 45 minutes for a table. You know why?

Why? They were busy shitting. Well, good luck, you guys. Thank you, boss. Thank you. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely.

Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez.

Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already,

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