Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Zach Galifianakis

Episode Date: October 28, 2019

Actor and comedian Zach Galifianakis feels cautious about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.Zach and Conan sit down to talk about the showbiz cult of ego, mining comedy from miscommunication, phone calls from the president, hunting for clay, and being inspired by a professional whistler. Later, Sona and Matt Gourley surprise Conan with a Halloween treat.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].

My name is Zach Alifnakis, and I feel cautious about being Conan O'Brien's friend. You didn't know my last name? Conan Nobriand? I couldn't remember. And don't take a self-satisfied swig of whatever cool chai latte you're having. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walk in the lose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are gonna be friends, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Hello there, I'm Conan O'Brien, and this of course is my podcast, Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. And of course, because you're hearing me, not seeing me, so you know it's the podcast. Sadly, many people prefer me in this format, and I don't blame them. I'm joined by my trusty assistant on Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, Sona Movesesian. Sona, you look very nice today. Thank you very much. How's your life going?

Great. Yeah? Yeah, I don't have anything to say. Everything's really good. Okay, all right. Cool. All right, well I'm glad you prepared for the podcast with that little nugget. It's nice.

Thank you. No, it's okay. So business usually want to have a little nugget or something. Put me on the spot with no warning at all. Yeah. Oh, really? Oh, I lured you in here like you're an animal with a carrot, and then I put a microphone and a headset on you, and you didn't think anything was gonna happen?

If you said prepare something, like a story about your life, I'd be like, okay, but now you're just like, hey, tell us something about your life, what am I, I'm binging the office again for the third time. You're binge watching the office for the third time? Yes. And you're doing that at work, aren't you? Yes. Do you ever do it?

Do you ever do it? And be honest, do you ever have something that is kind of important that you need to do for me, but you finish an episode of The Office first? Go. Yes, you asked me this before, and the answer is always yes, because nothing is that important. So yeah, that's where we're at, and you know that, and you know that. It's not my, you know that. You think you have the correct priorities and that mine are skewed?

You want me to put these things out there, and I have, but yes, nothing that you want is that important. You think it's important, it's not that important. So yeah, my priorities are fine. Thanks. Okay. You're welcome. Thank you.

Wow. Wow. All right. You came in hot. I did not. Yes, you did. I did not. I asked you about your day, you said I got nothing.

Fuck off. And you know, that's the mess we're in right now. Yeah. But anyway, there is a medication you get me that keeps my heart beating every day. I just want you to know. Okay. That's not really true. It's not.

I know. I just want to. If there was, you probably wouldn't get it for me. Matt Gorley, you're here. How are you? I think I'm going to leave. Why? Mommy and daddy are fighting.

We went, that wasn't a real fight. It wasn't real. You should see us man when we really go at it. Really? Yeah. It's incredible. I imagine at some point that may happen, or will I see that? I don't know.

Is it happens in private? I don't think so anymore. First of all, Sona's in a better place now. I'm sure it's all her fault. What does that mean, though? Yeah. What does that mean? Just in a better place.

Maybe you're in a better place. No. I'm in the same place. No, come on. You met the love of your life. You're happy. It's all good. So I wasn't happy before?

No. You were happy. You were fine. It was all good. Okay. I just made that up in my mind. All right. I remember being difficult a couple of years ago.

You were always difficult. You're still difficult. Okay. Listen, this isn't. Just stop. Just stop. Folks, the podcast is free. Stop.

Continue. The last word. Yeah. Okay. Let's pray. I had it. Gorley. Yeah?

Save the day with one of your quips. Oh, God. Hey, great sunshine today. What? What? Great sunshine. Great sunshine. I have a question.

Yes. I have a question for Matt Gorley. Yeah. I have a question for Matt Gorley. And you can pull stuff up and then maybe we'll use this section. Who knows? It's up to you. I don't know.

You magical mystery man. I have a question. I didn't grow up in Los Angeles. Yeah. I'm sorry. I've spent a lot of time here, but is this the way it always is in LA? The fires and fires come and you hear that maybe you have to run away from your house and grab one thing each, but then it doesn't come, but then it might come again tomorrow.

Is that the way it is? It's always been a problem, but not like this. So this is trying to be alarmist, but it's changed. And so have the seasons. When I was a kid and it was this time of year, it felt a little bit like fall. Like Halloween was a tad brisk, now it's just like deathly hot still. Right. So you are in the global warming camp?

Well, yeah. I think every scientist and person with common sense. Excuse me? Yeah. No, not this guy right here. I didn't think so. This show is a science, is a global warming denying show. It's a science free show.

I'm announcing that right now. I'm one of those guys who every time it slightly snows, where's your global warming now? Yeah. It's February. It's snowed one. Where is your global warming now? I saw polar bear on the news. Yeah.

There's one left. Well, where's your global warming now? Yeah. It feels like the seasons have shifted two months back. So I want to move Christmas to like February so it feels right. I miss the fall so much that I want to wear a, I want to wear like a P coat and I want to wear a scarf. Yeah.

And then I get an operationally dress and it kills me every time. I do that. I wear a heavy coat, but I also like to see my breath. So it's 90 degrees out, but I started smoking just so that when I exhale, I see my breath. And I feel like it's the fall. It's going to be the fall. Yeah. And I pay children around me to rub their hands for a skunk.

Oh God. Yeah. Hundreds of dollars. It's worth it. Oh, great sunshine. Anyway, we have an amazing show today. My guest is a hilarious actor and comedian who starred in the Hangover movies and the FX series Baskets.

He can be also seen in the new Netflix movie between two ferns, The Movie, based on his very popular Funny or Die series. I'm just, it's a joy to chat with this gentleman today. I've known him a really long time and he is absolutely hilarious. The very talented Zach. ["Galifianacus"]

Galifianacus is with us. Hey, Zach. ["Galifianacus"] I've known you for a long time. It used to come on my late night show. You started like in 2000, coming on the late night show. That's about right. Oh, it's about right?

I remember exactly. I'm coming after you hard. What's with the glasses? These are, now people, thanks a lot. Now people in the podcast land know that I wear glasses. Is this like, take me seriously, look that you have? There's no glass in these. These are those glasses.

These are those glasses Rob Lowe wore in the 80s to make him look like he read books and stuff. But no, thanks for outing me as having to wear glasses. Now I'm going to have that surgery where they shoot lasers into your eyeballs. It looks good. Those glasses look good on you. They do.

It's just too late. They make you look shorter. No, that works for me. I like that. I hate it here. I hate every second of this. I've known you a long time. I know you're going to be an honorable man, a good man.

Used to come on my show and play the piano and do stand up when you were always hilarious, always, always hilarious. And then I heard that at some point before everything blew up for you in a good way, you were thinking of getting out of the business. Is that right? The biz? Well, listen, I just call it the buh, because I'm not cool.

But people in the know call it the biz. I'm so inside, I call it the buh. Well, I mean, it's a lonely existence sometimes to be a stand up comic. And some of my act, I had a big closer where I wore a little orphan Annie outfit. And I was doing the road a lot. And I was 40.

And I would go to office supply stores and buy my glitter for my shows and my magic markers, because I always wrote these Bob Dylan type flip chart. Yep, yep, I remember. And yeah, that's, I remember being 40 kind of going around the country with my little orphan Annie dress thinking, I don't know how long this will last. And not thinking there was much of a future to it.

Yeah, so I'm just picturing, you're coming off stage. And there's that moment when you come off stage and you catch a look at yourself in the mirror. And you're dressed. Well, I'm doing the cocaine, of course. Yeah, yeah. And saying, I can't hear the laughter anymore. You were looking in the mirror and you were dressed

as little orphan Annie. The laughter was there. The shows were going well. It was just the fact that, I think it was in my late 30s or 40, early 40s when I just kind of, I didn't expect to have such a gypsy lifestyle. And that gypsy lifestyle just kind of being wearing a little orphan Annie dress, playing

at the University of Kentucky. Right, everywhere. That was the last college I played. And I did a pretentious Q&A there just to eat up more time. And this kid stands up and he goes, yeah, how many Oreo cookies does it take for you to play our college? Oh my God.

And then back in my head, I was like, God, that's really funny, but I eviscerated them. But isn't that really mean? It's very mean. And what nerve? Well, then everything explodes because you do the hangover. I told you this, I was walking down,

I don't know, I think I was in Vegas. And I don't go to Vegas a lot. I really do try to avoid Las Vegas, but I had to be in Las Vegas and I was walking along and there was a guy who was professionally dressed as Alan, your character in the hangover. And he looked a lot and he was like, Conan, Conan, look, right?

I'm Alan. And I thought you went from that moment of playing this college and having a guy insult you and you're dressed as little orphan Annie. And then people are pretending to be you the way they pretend to be Spider-Man or Michael Jackson or whatever. Isn't that, I mean, that's, how do you?

That's America, Conan. That's America. That's what's good about America. That's what's good about America. Something like that can happen. Why are you crying? I'm not crying. You are, you're crying.

I'm not. And the tears are blood. Yes. Actually, once I have this roommate, he's a close friend of mine here in California and he was trying to be a cop and he was miserable. He went and took his test and he had been picking in a scab like right by his eye for a while

and he'd been waiting for this letter to see if he could be a cop or not. This was gonna be his turning point for his life. And he opened up the letter and I see his face and he reads it as a rejection letter. And as soon as his face fell, he started crying blood. No. Yeah, it was the most amazing timing

of anything I've ever seen. He got his rejection letter, you cannot be a police officer and blood came out of his eyes. The scab just started bleeding right at that moment. It was amazing. You said crying blood that made me think of it. You can edit that out.

It's not that great. No way, it's like a Bond villain. Yeah, there is a Bond villain actually. You'll know, cause you're gorelly here who knows all this kind of stuff, but there's a Bond movie where the villain crawls. Okay. All right.

The Sheep. Yeah. Oh, you know his name. I just wanted to know the movie. Oh, Casino. Okay. That's a lot, pal. I've always known you to be a very authentic man.

Unchanged by your success. I'm never this formal in any of the other podcasts. You know, it's so funny. I don't know why, but we've talked to like Michelle Obama and all these, and I'm very loose. And I don't know why when you come in, I'm a little bit of a zealig. I, you've always had, you always have this like,

hello, good to see you. And then I adopt that too. Like I've always known you. Low energy. Low energy. And also you are not a man of any pretensions. So then I just turn into this guy who's talking to you. Right.

I'm here with Zach Elford. Zach, I've always known you to be a fine man, a good man. A man of quality and ability. Thank you, Conan Bryan. It's O'Brien. Oh, right. See? Oh, bitch.

You don't like this whole Hollywood town and you have a healthy, healthy suspicion of showbiz folk, don't you? No, I don't. I think what my whole thing is, is I've observed ego in this town and what it does. And I find it very interesting. And I think that's how we got a celebrity president.

Yeah. Our worship of it. Right. That's my only beef. That's it. Other than that, we're good. Did you notice how many times you saw my name on the way up to the podcast studio or my image,

my graven image? That I don't chagrin. Is that the right term? I don't think so. Well, I went to public school. What was that like? Do they have food there? I don't know.

I also went to public school. I went to public elementary and public high school. Yes. I don't know. I just imagine you were a private school guy. I was not. I went to public elementary school, public high school. I was an incredible jock.

Okay, that part's not true. I was not a jock. Did you play any sports? I ran track for half a year, and then it was decided mutually that that should no longer continue. But by racing in general or by track, who, you what do you mean?

It was actually people even outside Massachusetts weighed in and said he should stop running. It's not good. Something about my lungs failing. I would imagine it would be, and I mean this like the gait of an ostrich. I think my team has my back here. I will tell you what the problem was.

I have a very, and I've talked about this quite a bit, but I have an unusual body proportion. I have very, very long legs, and then a very relatively short torso. My waist is up where most people's shoulders are, and my throat is connected to my groin, and the whole thing's a mess. Well, I would rather have that body any day

than as I've always told, what I think my body looks like is a fifth graders body who look like he swallowed a penguin. Fifth graders swallowed a penguin? Yes, like in one gulp. It just kind of sits in his stomach. Because I'm small everywhere else. And you're just trying to still that day.

We're right here at the large of my back. There's a penguin struggling to get out. And we have 30 good years in my family, and then it just, like with our looks, I've done this, I looked around at my cousins and stuff. Everybody's really good looking, and then it all drops off. It just goes to pot really quickly.

Yeah, that happens with my people too. We clean up pretty nice, and then I keep saying we're sort of like these junk trees that grow really quickly, and then fall apart, and make a big mess, and you have to get someone to come in with a chainsaw and cut up the pieces. Are both of your sides Irish?

Yes. Yeah, I would imagine. Why would you say that? Well, it just- Explain yourself. It seems very- What? It just seems very Irish.

All of it. Just, there's a lot of Ireland. And I don't mean that in a, I don't mean that, I'm half, like I'm, you know. Yeah, so. You know what, it's good. Half means you're a mix. I think it's good to be a mix.

I really do. I think it's good to have a blend. My wife is a blend. I am a 100% solid shot of Irish Tato, and it's not good. Yeah, what else you got on that paper? Let's see, it says here. Now you live, I mean, just gonna direct this back to you.

I see what you're trying to do. You know, I've been interviewed by you on Between Two Ferns. You eviscerated me. You tore me apart. Good natured ribbing. Good natured ribbing, you think. I didn't leave my room for six months after that interview.

That's what I love so much about Between Two Ferns is the pauses, the discomfort. That is your, you know, some artists work in clay, some work in oils. You're so good with discomfort and passive aggression. Is that fair? I try not to be that in real life. No, no, you're not that in real life.

I'll make that very clear. You're a very nice person. Miscommunication to me has always been funny. Rude-ness is always been funny. I don't agree with it, but I've always laughed at rudeness. Like not left with it, I've left at it. Because when people lose control, I mean, my father, who is the greatest human ever,

but he had like, sometimes he had a temper that would come out every two years, and we, like, to see him lose it was comedic to me. It just was. But as far as the long pauses and that kind of stuff, I think the dynamic of it is because you're there with somebody, like a select, you know, a person of prestige and quotes,

and to see them in that unglamorous moment is somewhat refreshing. I mean, if you haven't got to explain it, you know. No, no, but what makes it so great is you're just not afraid to use anything. I mean, obviously the greatest example of it of all time, when you did it with the most high status person in the world, President Obama, it was so fantastic

because I don't know that I would have had the balls to do that with the President of the United States, particularly this really well regarded, you know, the most highly regarded man in the United States at the time, and you're being so rude, and you're being so petulant, and he played it, I thought, beautifully. Were you nervous before doing that?

Yeah, I mean, I tend to be nervous. I use nervous energy. I don't try to get calm. I try to get nervous. Because it adds to the character of it, but with him, I think what happens, we just got lucky, and he just rolled with it and made me feel that I could really say whatever I wanted.

Before we started, his speechwriter was helping us, and I had said, has he seen this question, which was, what's it like to be the last black president? Which was written by a guy named Tim Calpacas. The speechwriter looked at me and said, yeah, but he, I did not believe him whatsoever. I don't know if he'd even seen the show. I mean, if a President Obama knows it,

what does that say about us? You know what I mean? I hope he doesn't know it, is my hope. And then you told me a story once where after it had gone online and was viral, and everybody loved it, you're walking along by yourself in kind of a deserted area. How was it a construction site?

You were at a, this is really good. I was at a construction site, and I was, I remember I was sitting next to a traffic cone, and he called my phone and we chatted. Your phone rings. My phone rings. It's your cell phone. And you're in a construction site and you open it,

and just, let's take our time with this. Okay. You, what do you hear? Is he right there? Is it a voice that says? I think it was Valerie Jarrett that was there on the phone. And she said, if she was being nice and thankful about the video.

And then she said, if you'll hold on a minute, somebody wants to talk to you. And I said, bullshit. And I hung up. No. No, I held on the line. And then he said, hey, Zach, I hope this helps your career.

And I almost said, I hope it helps yours. But I, at this point I was like, okay, we're not doing the video. I'm gonna be respectful. No, no, no, be a nice person now. So we chatted back and forth. And then I think that he probably is used to people trying to getting emotional around him

because he's, you know, he's the president of the United States and he's a good leader. And I kind of was getting like, I'm kind of proud of it, either like, he just cut me off. He was like, okay, I'll talk to you later, brother. And that was the last thing he said. And I didn't know what to do for this moment. So I just, this construction site,

I just stood up at the chair I was sitting in and just took a picture of this shitty chair next to this trip to memorialize the moment for myself. But yeah, cause there was nobody around to tell, you know, that the president was calling, but I thought it was pretty classy of him to call. I mean, he certainly doesn't have to do that, to take time to do that was really nice.

Yeah, I just thought you've never called me after I've done your show. Well, actually I had my assistant, Sona try and place the call and she failed. I'm sorry. It was my fault. Yeah. That is what I've been taught to say.

Every time I've said get Zach on the phone, I want to call him and she says, let me try and do that. And then she calls Zach Efron. Oh, we have very similar numbers and first names. Yeah. And then I talk and that's where it's off. I go on a length about Zach Efron's comedic abilities. And is he comedic?

Oh, I don't know. I think I'm talking to you. Oh. And he often doesn't say anything. And he's handsome that guy. Sona's in love with Zach Efron. Is he one of the looks you like? I don't discriminate.

There's a lot of looks I like. But I saw him in a Subway sandwich shop once. What? And he looked at me and his eyes pierced through my soul. Huh. Yeah. I had the same experience with Josh Gad. I just love saying his name.

I don't know what it is. It's also he has eyes that just cut right through you. Oh, okay. I just like referencing him. He really does. So you just throw him in anywhere? Yes. It's always Josh Gad.

I hope he wouldn't mind. He could use my name like that, but I just like saying his name. You're a man. I keep saying this about you. You're a man that enjoys the wilderness. You like to go into nature. Well, I go clay hunting.

What? Yeah, I go process real clay. I get it. And then I'll go process it. I like working with- I don't know what you're talking about. What do you mean you go and find clay? There's a spot near me.

I don't want to give too much information away. I don't want to lie. It's called an art supply store. Wait, you go and find clay from the earth? Yeah. And when you say, and you don't want to say where this clay is because everyone's going to want some of this clay.

Yeah, I don't want anybody to- Is it that construction site? No, this is just a place that I know about near where I live. Okay. You got to haul it out. You know, it's heavy. Okay.

You got a lot of clay aching, if you know what I mean. Oh my God. The whole point of just to bring that up, that was my whole point. You are- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You don't walk away from Clay Aiken.

You don't walk away from, now I'm Clay Aiken. But honestly- You're out of show business. Officially out of show business. Thank God. Yeah, you're successful. No one will ever ask you to do anything again once Clay Aiken gets out there.

Good God. He called my mom's house once, Clay Aiken. You're not going to distract from what you did. Anyway, but true, I do go get Clay out of the sea. Then you said you process clay. Isn't clay just clay? Yeah, but if it's a little wet, you got to get it a little wet or two

so you can start making stuff. Making stuff. Or you dry it and you mill it down like sand because it comes in huge blocks and then you add water to that. Okay, I just killed the whole podcast with that. But what do you like to make? What do you make with clay?

Well, I make bricks. I'm starting to learn how to make bricks. I've traveled a lot of places. I know this sounds like, but I always have loved to watch how people make native brick. I'm in Africa, Thailand, and I don't know, I seek out brick makers.

And first of all, I'll tell you something. This is not at all interesting? No, okay. No, actually, this is interesting to me because you share this passion with Winston Churchill. Winston Churchill used to, they used to manufacture brick at his home, his country home, Chartwell.

And he was really into making brick and then laying the brick. So a lot of the walls around his home were made. And this is when he's, I mean, he's prime minister. He's fighting World War II. And he's making bricks and building brick walls. There's something very satisfying about just, and I'm not much of a thinker,

but I do my best thinking when I'm doing something with that kind of thing. Earth related. It could be mowing the grass. Or it could be the grass. You mean marijuana. Is that what you're doing? You just did a, you just mimed toking.

No, I was like, do you have any chapstick? No, no, no, that's not what you were doing. Listen, I don't, this is just a drug- In the middle of it. It's a drug-free zone and you're Cheech and Chong kind of humor. Did you ever listen to them, their albums? Yeah, yeah, when I was much younger.

Evelyn Woodhead's Sped Reading Course. Do you remember that? I don't know. I don't know that bit. It sounds funny. I thought maybe you would have a vast knowledge of comedy albums from the 70s. Oh, so I'm old all of a sudden.

No, well, we were the same age. I don't think we are. I'm 74 years old. I was born in 74. Were you born in 1974? 69, I'm gonna be 50 in a week. I am six years older than you. Oh, yeah.

It shows. I mean, wisdom-wise, wisdom-wise, wisdom-wise. Let's get back to how you're a really nice guy in real life. Because what the fuck was that? You know, I try to moisturize my face, but my head is rotting like a pumpkin in the November sun. If there's nothing, I mean, what do we do about this?

Nothing. Thank you, Sona. Are you taking anything orally for a, what is your SPF count? It is above 100 and 110. I actually, my sunscreen fires light back at the sky. It's actually, my sunscreen is so powerful it's a source of its own light.

My son has your complex. He has your- That's a good looking kid. Yeah, he is. Yeah, so there. I guess, what do you mean? Why are you shaking your head no? Ooh.

Oh, listen, that's a good, you know what? I don't like this. I don't like the way it's going. I do. I think I'm a very, I think I'm a solid B minus. Can I tell you something that I was thinking when I was climbing these stairs?

There's a long stairway, let me tell our audience. There's a long stairway to get up to the podcast studio. Yeah. And we often have to defibrillate people when they get to the top of the stairs. I honestly think the walk here is a little suspicious because it seems like it could be a murder. You have to go back behind the sets.

Well, yeah. No offense to the young lady that was helping me, but I don't, I mean, I just started following her. She could have led me to like some mafioso or something back here. Let me tell you something. It was a 50-50 proposition with me, whether I interview you or I get killed off.

Or I murder you. Yeah. Well, I would have fallen for either one. Well, you fell for one. I fell for one of them. Yes, you did. Either one, you, yes. But as I was walking up the steps,

I, I don't know if I've ever told you this. You did a Q and A at the Museum of Television in New York years ago. You had just gotten your show and you spoke to the audience and someone, and there were a lot of comics like open mic comics. That's what I was. And I remember you said that,

it's because someone had asked you a question that prompted you to have this answer. And the answer basically was, the hardest thing about what you were doing or this endeavor in show business is rejection. And if you can figure out how to manage that and not let it get to you too much, that I think that that's a battle

that you got to figure out. I remember that and I'd never, I'd never forgot it because I got rejected a thousand times after I heard that. And I just kept going because I believed in what you said and then I realized this guy doesn't know what he's talking about. And I was like, I just want to.

This is gonna happen. No, it's funny. I have the famous writer, E.B. White, you know, Charlotte's Web and his, and then his essays and just, and strunken white elements of style and just thought like, this is the greatest writer of all time. I realized when I was about 17 that he was living

up in I think North Brooklyn, Maine. So I wrote a letter to him. Now I don't have that letter, but I sent it off to him. And what I have is he wrote me back. And then I think he passed away like a year later, I think as a result of my letter. But I tend to, I compliment writers and then I also try and take them out of the picture.

But he wrote me this letter back that I still have and it's framed and I see it every day. But it's so interesting to me because it's like from 1979 or 1980 and it says, Dear Conan, I really, you know, really enjoyed your letter. It was really well written and then he said, you say that you're very concerned about, that you want to be a writer or do something creative,

but you're very concerned about criticism because you're thin-skinned. And I thought, isn't that fascinating? That's what I was worried about when I was 16 was, oh my God, I really want to try this, but what if someone is me, what if people are mean to me about it? And am I going to be able to withstand that?

And then he says, I never much minded criticism unless they got their facts wrong. You know, and then he says like best wishes, E.P. White. And it's one of my favorite, I mean, if there's a fire, get the family out and then run back in and get that letter. But seriously, that's like how precious it is to me. And that was Betty White?

No, it was E.B. White. Yeah, I was going to say because she didn't write Charlotte's Web. I opened my soul to you. I opened up my chest cavity and I showed you my beating heart and you took a dump on it. There's now feces on my heart. Jesus.

Your feces is on my heart. Unbelievable. Well, I'm sorry, but that's exactly what happened. There's fecal matter on my heart. Where is that? Is it in your office, the E.B. White letter? Is it framed? It's framed.

Yeah, it's right near the kitchen because I also added some recipes at the bottom. He had some recipes, like a chili recipe. Yeah, chili recipe. It's E.B. White's ass blowin' chili. And I don't know why he added that, but so I always... Cause I just thought that was a poem of his. It started as a poem and then it turned into,

he realized, it started as a poem and then he realized this is actually a very good recipe for some super hot ass blowin' chili. So that's why it's near the kitchen. The point is, and it's one of the themes that I like to get to in this podcast is that there are all these people that I know, like yourself, who are incredibly funny

and may give the impression, if someone saw between two firms that you're bulletproof and that you don't, but I have always known that you're an incredibly sensitive person and that you've had your feelings hurt a million times. Yeah, I grew up very, I mean, I was a very sensitive kid and I think this humor thing is somewhat, I mean, I think the stereotypical thing is to say

that it's armor and I think it is, part of it is to harden yourself, so you can get through the day. And now that I'm older, I don't mind talking about it as much, cause I think it was, I've always been kind of guarded about talking about real things, but I used to cry all the time, every night as a kid to bed. I don't know, I mean, I know kind of what it was,

but I was so sensitive, just not necessarily about my own feelings because my brother and I had such a tumultuous relationship and that was confusing to try to figure out and he's the greatest human now, like I love him to death, but there were just things I just didn't understand about how unfair the world is to some kids, like it's cruel. And some kids just have a hard time dealing with it.

I can't imagine now, kid, like if I were a kid now, I mean, I'd be crying during this podcast. Right, right. But so I think that that sensitivity formed some kind of weird, comedic, absurdist thing in me. I don't know if someone can be really funny if they- Or this good looking. Yes, of course, that goes without saying.

I can't, I don't know if someone can be, when someone comes along who had a perfectly happy childhood and wasn't incredibly anxious or incredibly over sensitive or felt that the world was unjust, I always wonder, how did they get into comedy? How did that, how can that work out? Well, I think- Where's the rocket fuel?

That's what I always wonder. How do you get the rocket fuel? You were raised properly, like you had, I mean, do you think you were raised by loving parents? Yes, yeah. But I also think I was incredibly hypersensitive and had periods of a lot of anxiety when I was a kid and had issues with getting very depressed

and very down and hated school. So it wasn't anybody's fault. When people talk about, oh my childhood and just how much fun it was, I don't know what they're talking about. Is that, do you ever that way when people were like, oh man, when I was a kid, that was the best time of my life? I don't, it doesn't, I like being an adult

better than I like being a kid. I had a pretty happy childhood. There were, I mean, I think everybody- Oh, well, that just makes me look like an ass. Well, I mean, my family was fun, like my cousins, my brother's very, my, so there was this like a lot of like nurturing of laughter. It wasn't like this hardship type growing up.

It was like laughter was real important in the way we communicated. That's, yes. To make jokes. That I agree with. Yes. It was everything, that's just how we communicated. It still is how we communicate. And that's why I always will defend humor

because we're living in sticky times now where it's talking about being, I'm talking about sensitive, you know, people are saying, hey, we're being sensitive to certain words and, you know, how do we as comics adapt to that? But as far as growing up, my parents were like, very supportive and laughed a lot.

We used to do sketches for them, you know, and they were just supportive, they nurtured it. They saw that it was a thing. And, you know, even when I decided to move to New York, my dad, I mean, I had, I was going nowhere fast, but my dad was like, yeah, go up there, try it out. So there was always this support. And once I got to know a lot of comics,

I realized that wasn't the case for a lot of people. That stereotype of growing up in a weird environment and bad past is there is a reason there is a stereotype for that. Right. Well, I agree. I had parents that really, the way I could really connect best with my parents

and people in my family was to make them laugh hard. So that's when I think I became a junkie. You know, just like, oh, I love that. I want the pellet, it's the hamster that wants the little pellet of cocaine, you know. I would watch my cousins do it cause they were older than me. So I would watch them make my aunt and uncles laugh.

Cause they were, you know, 10, they were 10, five, 10 years older than me when I was really being affected by that big family laugh. Cause at reunions, that's where everybody showed off. I mean, I would do the robot for money when I was five. Right. You know, there's, there's video of us all dancing around in Earthwood, like as Earthwood and Fire

that I actually got to show Philip Bailey, the lead zigger of, he was one of the greatest show business comments. Isn't that great? Oh, I gotta tell you, it was, I got to meet him. He came to visit this TV show that I had and cause he liked it and he knew one of the actors and he was worshiped in my family with Philip Bailey.

I tried to tell him like, Earthwood and Fire was everything. And so I got to show Philip Bailey, this sketch of me and my cousins just lip-syncing this great Earthwood and Fire song. That's what's great about show business. And how did he respond? He, he loved it.

Yeah, he absolutely loved it. It's never going to get better than that. Right. But if that is a connection to like a childhood thing though, I mean, cause all, like, I don't think anybody decides to be a comic at 20. You know, it seems like we, you kind of born and you sit on it and you know

that that's what you want to do. I mean, from an early age, you probably knew it, right? I knew that I wanted to be an entertainer and I knew that I could make people laugh. And then I put that away because I thought, I live in Brookline mass. My dad works in a microbiology lab. We, I've never seen anybody in show business.

I'm, show business is never happening for me. I just decided at some point it's not going to happen. So I'm just going to buckle down and grind it out and be a really good student and try and be a man of important matters and affairs. And then that completely went off the rails. I get to college and they have a humor magazine and bang. And then I had the bug forever.

Yeah. Once you do it and once you get a taste of it. Once you get a taste and once you, yeah. Once you realize, oh, this is a thing that adults seem to value. I thought it was just a kid thing making people laugh. One of my big like moments when I was a kid was the guy that whistled the Andy Griffith theme and he came to my elementary school

and whistled for us. What? And I remember thinking, oh my God, he didn't bring anything to work. He just showed up and whistled. And it made a big effect on me. Cause I remember looking at the kids and they all had their mouths open

and staring at this guy and holding their attention. Wait, but what else did he do? He just whistled. He just whistled the Andy Griffith theme? Mostly in a lot of radio head. No. No, but I know there was other songs that he whistled, but that was what he was known for.

And that's what, that was his draw. So he's saying it was about a 30 minute assembly. And I just thought, wow, that was, I was very, that was a big hook. I remember that day very well. Yeah. Because you actually were in the room with somebody who was making those entertainers

that can come through where I lived. Yeah. I mean, if they did, they were whistlers. You got all the whistlers. Yeah. So, I didn't have any connection to show business. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

I know exactly what you're talking about. No, I just didn't know. I'm constantly meeting people that got into show business and I'll say, oh, how'd you do that? And they'll say, well, you know, I grew up in Santa Monica or I grew up in the valley and my dad worked for Warner Brothers. And so you think like, right, you were near it

and you saw it. I didn't see anybody. I never saw a famous person. I never saw, there was never any show business related thing that happened near me. Are there stand-ups from around that area though? Yeah, but I wasn't as a kid that I wasn't seen. Yeah, you weren't in tune in.

Yeah, I wasn't tuned into any of that. I was watching, you know, Mary Poppins being rerun and thinking, you know, how can I be Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins? Do you still do that pussy vet lesbian joke? What? Say that again. Do you still do that pussy vet lesbian joke?

Yes, I do all the time. Okay. Because it delights everybody. Sorry. What are you talking about? It's the opposite of Dick Van Dyke. Oh man, yes. That was my, yeah, you're still doing it.

You're a bad guy. You're not a good person. You're not a good person. You're not a bad person. You're not a good guy. You're not a good person. You know that, right? Bad comedy is the best.

It's the best. Someone told me, I don't know if I can say this. There's a song parody guy in Boston that used to sing, I'm sitting on a cock because I'm gay. Have you ever? Oh, instead of, I'm sitting on the dock of the bay. Yeah. I'm sitting on a cock because I'm gay.

Right. And he sang that as his closer. Right. I don't know if he can do that anymore. Or now's the time. Bring it back. Also, just- No.

Sorry. No, but also, it just sounds so not erotic. It just sounds like it's flaccid and you're just sitting on it like it's a deflated log. That's how I interpret it. I always looked at it. He's just looking for something to sit on. Yeah.

Such a good song. I mean, it's outdated. As of like six months ago. Yeah, I stopped listening to it six months ago. Yeah. Wow, I didn't know about that guy, but he's on Next Week on the podcast. You should book him.

Yeah. He's on the podcast. Do you think you've learned anything from this session? Has any good come from this? Most of the time, I've just been sitting here thinking, I wonder what the traffic's like going back to Venice. Yeah. Can you not be joking?

No, no, no, you're not. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. That's the first thing. This has been a pleasure to actually sit and talk and to have real without the applause sign that you ask for all day long. There's an applause sign in the podcast studio,

but no one, we can't seem to keep it working. No, but you know what? This is a great format is what I'm saying. Like this is, it's hard to get real sometimes on these talk shows and you are such a great talk show host that I think why I like this is like, when I watch you, I yearn for more. Yeah.

I do. That's nice. I do, because I know this other side of you. Well, I'll say what I love most about this that I've really enjoyed is they'll, I come into work today and I know I'm doing the show, but then I know that you're gonna be here, you know, Zach's coming,

and I know that we're gonna sit here and talk for 45 minutes or an hour and- I was told it was gonna be four to five minutes. So. That's how we get people in. We're going along. We say four to five, and then when they get in here, we stretch it out.

But no, I've always enjoyed talking to you after the show. The show, that format of six minutes break, six minutes, it doesn't- Well, there's a bigness to late night shows that doesn't allow for intimacy sometimes. Yes, yes. And I still love, I like an audience, I really do love an audience,

but I also love not having an audience. And I love just following these little weird eddies and rivulets and, you know, little tributaries. I'm gonna keep saying various little words full of, you know, bodies of water that have broken off into smaller branches, eroding, creating shale, magma. I'm having a series of small strokes,

and I'm gonna wrap this up. But, I hope we get to do this again sometime. Can I come by tomorrow? It seems, it seems soon. This evening, later this evening. That's even sooner, actually. Yeah, so no, I don't think so. Who do you have lined up as guests?

Do you, is this something you advertise? Do you have a lot of- We do, we get people. We're getting, Josh Gad is a big, he's gonna be coming. You know the date of that one? That would be, I think it's been out three weeks, you know. So you should be here when Josh Gad is here.

And you should tell Josh Gad that you're referencing him a lot. I actually, I don't hope he doesn't mind because I just like his name. I was doing that for a while. I did some standup shows across this great nation of ours. And I just, people in the audience would always ask who, they always wanna know who's the celebrity I don't like.

And of course, I don't wanna say that. But I just decided to tell them Willem Dafoe. Because who would, you know what I mean? It's so left field. Yeah, it is like you said. And I just went, Willem Dafoe, man. Total, and people were like, yes, yes, we're getting the tea on.

And then I always, it was like, no, no, no, no. Before I go, I have to tell you, he's a consummate professional and has always been lovely to me. And I totally made that up. I just needed to give you a name and I gave it to you. But I just like, your, what Josh Gad is for you, Willem Dafoe is for me.

Yeah, I hope Josh Gad likes that. I hope he's okay with us referencing him. I'm sure he is. Willem Dafoe, can I take something quick? Yeah, or do we have to leave? No, no, no. When I moved to New York, I was reading an article about the Wooster Group,

which was his theater group. And I was walking around Soho and I saw the sign to the Wooster Group. I'd just read an article about it. And Willem Dafoe steps out of the theater and I say to him, this is 25 years ago. I said, I just read an article about this theater. He goes, you want to go around looking?

He gave me a tour for an hour to this theater. And this is the guy that I've been telling audiences is a prick. Yeah, no, he's a good guy. No, I've known he's a good guy. I've interviewed him and he's always seemed lovely. And what has Josh Gad done for you? Nothing.

So, you know, we should switch names. You should go after Willem Dafoe. I should go after Josh Gad. It's not going after. Just referencing that. It's an homage. I thought it was homage is I don't speak Spanish. This is a travesty.

I apologize to everyone who spent valuable time listening to this. Yeah, what is the listenership on something like this? Oh, guess what? In the podcast world, this is millions. You know what? I'm not going to screw around here. I had no expectations.

And they told us when we started, be really good if you could do 200,000. You know, like that's like a good, respectable number. Bang, we're over a million. No. Yes. Don't say no to me. I'll say yes to you.

Well, I wouldn't have come on it had I known it had this kind of listenership. Yeah. What? Well, I thought less is more with me. I don't want to overload the audience with me. This will be, and this is not an exaggeration, the most popular thing you've ever done.

Really? Yes. This will be heard by more people than saw all of the hangover movies combined. I've done more work than just the hangover Conan. I looked into it. I've been in it. No.

There's a clown TV show called Patches. Do you watch all these state shows you have to have people come on and talk about? No. There's people I like. I love you and Louie Anderson on that show. Yeah, but. And so I watch your show.

No, I'm very good at saying, oh, so many people talking about this show. Wonderful buzz on this show. That's usually code for I haven't seen it. Because you possibly can't watch. I can't, I can't. I'm too busy looking at my own show. Yeah.

I watch my own show religiously. I've never missed an episode of my own show. Do you watch it at night? I watch it. I make my children watch it. Right, you wake them up. Yeah. Get up.

Get up, let's go. Done again. There's Daddy. And then we show it again and I say, remember what's the line Daddy had here? Bang. Right. I know, I don't watch my own show.

And my children don't watch it. They think I'm a realtor. They think I'm a very successful realtor. Well, you're doing well. I am. You aren't doing well. I'm moving a lot of great houses in. What is your neighborhood?

Glassel Park. Glass Hole Park? You know what, if you're going to do these dirty, you know. That's what I thought you said. No, I said Glassel Park. What's that? I've never heard of it. So I'm explaining Glassel Park.

It's Glendale adjacent. Oh, God, enough with Glendale. Oh, what? It's so far out of the way. Everybody lives there. Oh, my God. Well, not a lot of Armenian people live there. Well, a lot of people I know in the biz.

Oh, yeah, the biz. It's lovely there. What's so nice about Glendale? There's beautiful hills. There's, it's pleasant neighborhoods. There's trees. It's hot. It is really hot.

Yeah, it is. We're going to run that section. I think you should start with that. We're going to start with that. Just before we begin a new segment, Zach and Sona talk about Glendale adjacent properties, the pros and cons. I'm going to end this now, but I want to say,

it is an absolute honor to know you. You're one of the funniest people I've encountered in my kooky life. And you're also one of the nicest. So there you have it. Thank you very much. Thank you for having me. Thanks, everybody.

Thank you. Murderer. Murderer. I like to accuse you of murder just the way I am. Oh, my God. Well, happy Halloween, you two. Happy Halloween, Matt. Happy Halloween, Matt.

We have a little gift for you, Conan. Oh, you don't give gifts on Halloween. It's a treat. Oh. And this is something that came up last season on the podcast, something you mentioned you had in your childhood. Yeah, I don't remember.

I have no idea, listeners, what this is. I've not been briefed. Adam and I hunted this down based off a fan's suggestion. And I think this is destined to be a special and life-changing moment for you. Wow. Would you like to put more pressure on whatever's in this box? OK, here we go.

I'm opening this box. There's some brown paper. And this looks like one of those boxes that's on a true crime special. Yeah, there's a leg. The bomb was in a box. Hold on. There's a lot of paper in here.

Oh, my God. Yes. This was it, I think. I think this was it. It's an Uncle Sam Halloween mask. Yeah, it's the. And I talked about this last year. Oh, my God.

It's the plastic Ben Cooper mask with the vinyl. Oh, my God. I remember. Yes, this is it. Oh, my. It's in filthy. What happened? I think someone was murdered in this.

Well, that's the shape of America now. Oh, my God. So sad. I just, it's a plastic-smiling Uncle Sam. And mask. Just one of those flat plastic masks that you wear. Painful to wear. And then, yeah, they hurt and they're uncomfortable.

And your sweat condenses underneath them. And they smell like Agent Orange or some kind of chemical that was used in warfare. And then this thing that you put on over it, which is an Uncle Sam smock. And my mom got this for me one year to wear on Halloween. And I think it was at the height. I think Nixon's president.

There's Vietnam protests. Oh, my God. People have taken to the street. And I went out as the symbol of America at its most patriarchal, most imperialist. The image of Uncle Sam was created in World War I. And it's just associated with crushing other countries that get in our way.

And that's how I went out. And my poor mom, my mom is still with us. And I do love my mom. And I feel I wasn't pleasant when she handed me this. She was trying to do the right thing. She grew up in a patriotic era. My mom grew up in the 30s. So she didn't think anything was wrong.

She didn't know I was such a sourpuss about it. But I did wear it. And I was attacked by hippies. We'll put a picture of this on the episode web page and also the social media. And you have to see the condition of, my God, look at this. This is really wretched. That is, we got a, this is like a fungus.

Or like a crime happened in that. No, no, it really does look like this is, the body was recovered after missing for three years. And it was in, the killer put it in a ritual Uncle Sam costume. We took the body away or what was left of it moldering. This is horrific. Oh my God.

It's just four to six too. So it's tiny, so it feels really macabre. Yeah, I think I was older than that when I wore this. But yes, that is, I remember that very well. I remember that face. I remember looking at that and thinking, shit, I have to wear this out in public. Little John Birch Society Conan O'Brien.

You know what it was like? It's like that, the Christmas story television show where he has to wear the pink Ralphie has to dress up as the pink bunny rabbit, Easter rabbit. And he's mortified. That's, that was me. I was Uncle Sam, symbol of American might. That's great.

Who did a fan find this? Yeah, I'm sorry. I can't remember who it was, but they tipped us off to this auction on eBay, $200. Oh my God. No, you spent $200 for this personally. Oh, great. It just came out of the podcast.

That's half our profits you moron. How you doing with that podcast money Conan? No, it's, that's fantastic. It's, it's not, so no, you look genuinely upset. I'm not, I'm not upset. I'm just, I'm examining it. It is really weird. It says, Americana costume for Halloween fun

with ventilated mask. That just means it has eye holes. And it's open in the back. Treated to temporarily retard flame. Temporarily. Temporarily. Yeah, Ben Cooper, who's Ben Cooper? He's the guy that would make all these things

and he got a bunch of licenses like Star Wars and all the superheroes and everything. Right. Well, I hope he was tried for his crimes. Like pole pot. I hope he paid for this somehow. Ben Cooper, wherever you are. You guys dressing up this year?

I am. I'm going to an alien party. And you're going as an, Well, I want, no, I wanted to go as Gwen DeMarco from Galaxy Quest, Sigourney Weaver's character, but I didn't have time to get the costume together. So what are you doing? I'm just going as an astronaut.

I think shortly after, might have been this Uncle Sam costume, killed costumes for me. But for someone who, if I'm in a sketch, I love being in a costume. I love having a fake mustache. If I'm doing something that's a comedic performance, I'm fine with a costume, but I don't want to wear a silly costume.

I don't want to dress up on Halloween. I just, I always had a really strong reaction to it. It's a lot of pressure. It's pressure. And I always thought what I've got going on naturally is enough. Well, you're someone people probably dress up as for Halloween, right?

I have seen, who is it? People have sent me pictures of like their kid with a big red wig and a talk show desk strapped around them, walking down the street. And I think that kid's just getting pelted with fruit, you know, that kid's getting no candy. Look at me. I'm an ironic Irish guy.

Pelt, pelt, thwap, thwap, just sad. There was a, one of those masks, but they didn't license your image. And it just said talk show host. No, worse than that. Oh. It was right after the tonight show thing happened. And, you know, it was a huge story

and there was a mask you could buy. And it was clearly my face, but they couldn't say it was me for licensing purposes. And it was this, and it looked like me if I had been in a fire and been burned a little bit in the face. Oh my God. And, but not on purpose, just cause they threw the mask together so quickly.

The label was X talk show host. Oh no. Yes, X talk show host. Like, well, he's gone. If you want to be, and I was like, no, I'm not. I'm actually starting, I'm still around. No, you're not, you're X talk show host. Yeah.

Should I have not brought that up? Well, if you consider this podcast to be a very honest form of therapy, then yes, you should have. Okay. Yeah. You're welcome. I don't, I thought that was, you guys think that's too painful.

No, I don't. I don't. Oh, you love it. Oh, you love it. Yeah, I do love it. You love that my career has been filled with chills and spills. You've done all right, sport.

You really have. You've done fine. Yes, I have. Thank you. Thank you. You have. Yeah, X talk show host. Do you know that story about how William Shatner's mask

was turned into Michael Myers for the Halloween series? That's, that's what the mask is. It's a William Shatner mask. I've heard that. Yeah. They took a William Shatner Star Trek mask, right? Yeah. And turned it in,

and then that's what they use for Michael Myers. Yeah. So that's kind of like what happened to you. Yeah. Maybe someday people will use the mask of me as X talk show host. The murdering slash murder. The murderer will be, yeah.

Or when they reboot it the next time, they'll use my face. I'd go to that movie. Yes. Yeah. Let's get out of here. Really? Yeah.

Okay. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Cocoa and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Cocoa hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message.

It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are. Podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Cocoa Production in association with Earwolf.