Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Zach Galifianakis Returns

Episode Date: January 10, 2022

Comedian Zach Galifianakis feels…sincere about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Zach sits down with Conan once again to discuss comedy bits to do in a restaurant, cultivating a certain kind of rudeness, and little-known historical facts. Later, Matt Gourley seeks Conan’s guidance on raising a red-headed child. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].  For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Zach Galifianakis, and I feel sincere about being called to be a Stratocaster. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there, it's Conan O'Brien. Welcome to another episode of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I'm joined as always by my two trusty compadres. Sonam of Sestian, how are you? Hi, I'm all right.

Are you okay? Did you have a rough night? You've got these twins now. Yeah, no, I'm fine. I mean, up until like a minute ago, one of them was screaming downstairs, and I was like, should I get up? And then I didn't, and now I feel like I'm a bad mom. No, no. Just because your child was screaming for you, and you were maybe 15 feet away, and decided that a podcast was more important, doesn't make you a bad mother. Thank you. You really reassured me. Thanks so much. Yeah, no, I'm sure someone else will maybe get some food for that child, or change its wet diaper before he gets a terrible rash.

Someone else will handle that probably, or he'll figure it out himself. Anyway, moving on, Matt Gorley, you also have a newborn. My God, my whole team, fertile. That was not what I was going to say, but yes, yes, you're both very fertile. I have a fertile squad. Maybe it's you. I mean, maybe you're the aphrodisiac. I think I am. I think. No. No, it is true. Sorry, I had to jump in there.

No, I have these babies in spite of you. Conan O'Brien and the fertile children. You notice that we both know it is fertile friends. These children on a break from this podcast. That's right. Your birth. Yes, but that's true. When you briefly got away from me during COVID, you both instantly created human life because you were away from the anti-baby, anti-life force that is Conan O'Brien.

Yeah. Wow. That's terrific. You made my ovaries clamp up. Oh, for God's sake. My testicles were up in my throat. I used to see them whenever you do opera scales. You'd go like me, me, me, me, me, me, huh. And I'd go, look out. I see your cockaroo. Oh, my God, it's happening now.

What? Oh, stop it. You know what? I don't like. What if we want another child? You were fine with the testicles. You're not okay with the ovaries. Can I just, is that what's happening? I think that's fair. I'm used to seeing testicles. They're a big part of my life. Oh, God.

Well, they are. I mean, they're just everywhere. That's going to be on your tombstone. Conan O'Brien, fine with the testicles, not so much the ovaries. Yeah. In parentheses. 1963. Yeah. Conan O'Brien, fine with the testicles, parentheses. Not so much with the ovaries.

I just, I guess I, I, yeah, it's a mystery to me, the working, workings of the female system. So, yes. But when you say ovaries clamped up, it just, I didn't like it. I didn't like the visual of like these two clamps coming down and crushing ovaries. It just was upset me. But you're okay with like, with Gorley's testicles going up into his body?

Yeah. Well, they do, first of all, testicles do that. When you're in cold water, things get, they shrink. And then if it's really cold, or if you're really scared, in moments in my life where I've been really scared, the first time I hosted a major award show, my package went up into my body. That's something that, it actually happens. It went up into my body and it stayed there,

I think from, I'm going to say 2002 to 2006. Oh, no. It was. It was not normal. No, you got to get that checked. I was told it was normal and the only way to get them back down is to jump off a high height and hit the ground hard with both feet, and then they come shooting back down again. And the noise is, I get, I get, I get, I get, I get, I get, I get, I get, I get.

No. You didn't need that. You jumped and you hit, I got, I get, I get, I get, I get, I get. You didn't need this. Testicles went, oh man, finally some sunlight. And I went quiet, you. It's about time you came out. Wow, I was kind of worried about coming out, so I thought I'd hang out in the old chest cavity.

Well, it's good to have your back, old friend. Well, it's good to be back. Oh boy, it's not easy being up inside your chest. Well, I don't want to hear any more complaining out of you, Testicles. Now, let's get going. Okay, if you're sure. I'm sure.

I'll just put my pants on. Please make them boxers, there's just more air. Nope, it's tighty whiteies today. Not the tighty whiteies. I get all crushed up. You'll take it and like it, Testicles. Oh, no. You realize I could do this for four hours.

Yeah, that's why I'd better flash the wrap sign. Yeah, probably good to stop now. And then. Yeah, probably good to stop now. Hey, Testicles. When do I get my own podcast? Yeah, when do I get to broadcast? I've got a lot of things to say.

Oh, what? Oh, really? You do, Testicles? Yeah, how come you didn't use me much in the 80s and 90s? Shut up, Testicles. Seems to me like you blew some opportunities. Shut up, Testicles.

All right, but wait till I write my book. Shut up. My guest today. There's no transition. My guest today. There really should be a transition. Shut up. Is a very funny actor and comedian

who's starting the hangover movies and the FX series, Baskets, he also hosted the hilariously funny or die series, Between Two Ferns. I was on that show once. He humiliated me. He also voices the gratitude in Big Mouth. And so he's a master, a true master. I'm thrilled.

He has returned to the podcast. Zach. Galifianakis. Welcome. I've known you a long time. I've known you most of your life, Zach. And I helped raise you and I feel very close to you, but you can come across as cold sometimes.

You've been at times. Well, you should have never signed up to be a foster parent because this is... I thought it would be fun. Yeah, but you can't just foster a child because you want to play hoops with them. Well, first of all, who says, I thought it would be...

This was a point in my life early on when I thought, and our listeners don't know this, but when I was about 18, I thought it would be really cool if I had a young foster child. And so I adopted Zach Galifianakis, who had his own parents. That was the part I never quite understood.

Why were you on the market in the first place? They still have a really bad taste in their mouth about the kidnapping. So... Conan, I've seen a kidnapping before. You have? Is that true? Yeah, I've seen one.

Want to tell us about it? Well, I was at a swimming pool. I was a child. I'll never forget because I just got off your shoulders. No, I was at... I remember that day. I put you in the pool. You said you couldn't swim,

and I said, you'll figure it out. I've got a hot date, and I left. I remember that. This car rolls up to the pool and grabs a kid out of the pool and drives away with the kid. Is this a true story? Yeah.

And there's no follow-up to it because I was a child. I didn't do any recon on it, but it was very odd. That's terrible. And my brother was gone for... Oh, my... No, it wasn't my brother.

It was just... It was a child. It was weird. I was right there, and then I think it was a domestic thing. I say that as if that's a good excuse, but I... Yeah.

Well, so you think a dad snatched his son or some domestic dispute. I'm curious, you did nothing. Oh, I want to point out something else. If it wasn't a domestic thing, they chose that child over you. There might be some... Oh.

Well, I'm serious. That's where my mind would go. What am I? What am I, a chopped liver? In fairness to me, I did have a lot of face tattoos when I was eight. And it looked like Lawrence O'Donnell in a Zoom... Does anybody tell you that?

I do. I'm wearing glasses, and I do look a little bit like Lawrence O'Donnell. And in fact, we're probably related, as all Irish people are. I have people from that horribly in Bread Island. We are not in the same room, Zach.

I'm going to make that clear that you're zooming in. Can you tell us where you're zooming in from? Canada. Okay. It's a country north of America. I don't know which island Canada is. Canada, or as I like to call it,

the land of lousy pickles. There ain't no good pickles. I love this country, but I don't know. I can't find a good pickle. Let's ship some pickles to Zach, okay? Can you put that down to something to do? Yeah.

We're going to get you some really good pickles. The really good kind. Well, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, I don't want fancy gourmet... Let me tell you what I like. I like... They're called not Vlasik.

Oh, man. I forgot the name of my favorite pickle. I think it's okay, because judging by Sona's response, these are not going to arrive anyway. You kind of just went, yeah. Oh, yeah. I didn't even write it down.

I'm so sorry. Well, let me give you... I'll give you the address. Yeah. Should we do it over the podcast? Yeah. I think... I don't see a single reason

why you shouldn't give your exact location. Okay. Fair enough. But you're in Canada. I'm going to... Yes. ...guess you're in the western region of Canada, because we've had private chats before.

And I know that you're... You're up in Canada, and you can't get a good pickle, which is often the rap on Canada. It's a wonderful place, but you never hear Canadians bragging about pickles. That's for sure. No.

I've like maybe twice in my life total, but that's it. And they were fake Canadians. They were clearly imposters. But you and I have known each other a very long time. For you to move to Canada and live there in this serene state or never invite me up is somewhat hurtful.

Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe you could invite, hey, I'll have my pal Conan come up. He could visit me. The last time I did your podcast, I think you and I even exchanged emails, which let's face it, that's a step in the right direction

that we both like. But we never emailed each other. I don't think... If I emailed you to... Invited you to Canada, would you respond? No. I wouldn't.

Okay. Well, I'm glad we cut to the chase. I mean... I don't want to come up there and eat something that you claim is a pickle, but is just some rutabaga that you painted green and put a little vodka on. I will say,

because I don't want to get a lot of nasty pickle tweets. If the farmers markets in Canada, they do have good pickles, homemade pickles. But as far as a mass produced pickle, I have not found it yet. I'm not saying it doesn't exist. I personally have not found the pickle to my liking. That's fair.

Your attack on Canada is very specific, very specific, and feels warranted. It's my... And it comes with lots of... It's my only beef. What are you drinking there, by the way? You keep taking ostentatious sips of...

Everclear. Oh. Incredible. Amazing. I want to create the illusion that we're in the same room because I think it's important for our viewers to think of us as being together. So let me start by saying,

this is the first time I've held hands with somebody I've interviewed on the podcast and it's good to have you here in person. When are we gonna let go of fans? Because it is awkward. I know you keep trying and I just tighten my grip. We're sitting across this little podcast. Let me describe the scene for our listeners.

Zach Galifianakis and I are sitting across each other in our little podcast studio. And we were holding hands because we tend to do that. And it's not at all a sexual thing. It's just two intimate friends who like to hold hands. And then I think you got tired of it and tried to get loose and I tightened my grip. And now it's getting really awkward.

You know, honestly, Conan, I am for holding hands. If you and I wanted to just walk around, you know, the Third Street promenade or the nod, as I like to call it. I don't have a problem with that. In Europe, you see older gentlemen that are just friends holding each other's hand. I think it's incredibly sweet. They do that in the United Arab Emirates, I've seen it.

And I've often looked at that and thought, what's so wrong with that? One of the things I know, and I talk about this a lot with my friends, is that in the 18th and 19th century, men used to link arms as they walked. And it was a sign of sort of familial goodwill. I have tried to link arms with some of my friends

as we walk along, my male friends, and they resisted. And I think, what are we doing? Why can't we all just link arms and walk together, as men did, on the boulevards in the 19th century? Would you do that? Would you lock arms with me and stroll? I have no issue with that. I mean, you're grossly taller than I am.

But other than that, I don't, I mean, what do I come up to your waist? Yeah, I wouldn't say grossly. It makes me sound like a freak. Makes me sound like I'm... Well, look, I'm six too. What are you? I'm well over 10 feet tall.

So don't laugh at that like you know it's the opposite. I'm actually two six. I was trying to think about when I did first encounter. You used to come on my show way back, way, way back in the early days. And you were so funny, you would sit at a piano, and you would play music beautifully, as you told these hilarious jokes.

You were always a terrific guest to have on the show. And you never broke, you never smirked or smiled, you always had that great deadpan. I always used to look at you and think, there's a guy that's gonna move to Canada someday. Someday he's gonna live up in Canada. I never said, oh, you're gonna be a big star, which is what happened.

I said, you're gonna move to Canada, remember? And you see... I do remember that you whispered it to my ear, and then you said, can we walk arm in arm? And... Along the Boulevard. These are all things that happened. Yeah, but I will praise you

because I know you to be, I think as everyone does, who knows you, you are a very nice and authentic person who's never changed a single wit. You've always been yourself. You know what my wife told me before I did your podcast today? Honestly, the last thing she said to me, she goes, okay, have fun, just don't be yourself.

Well, she knows you, she really knows you. Yeah, but you never, your head never got swollen, you never became some big shot, you know? Were I to have called you? I know you would have picked up. That's the kind of guy. You just, well, you're the salt of the earth. A real...

Don't you think ego is really funny when people have a giant? I mean, the ego is the destroyer of so many men. And it's really funny that we haven't picked up on this yet. Right. And I just think, I think we've been sold that we're supposed to have an ego, I think. I mean, like we all have, but I have an ego, obviously.

I mean, if you could see where I'm staring at a mural of myself that I had painted, it's 10 feet tall. It's just right on my wall. I'm shirtless. But no, I think ego is a funny thing to me, especially in comedy, it's really funny, you know? We forget what brings us there sometimes and then we get crazy.

But yeah, the ego is, I appreciate those things. I mean, I do have a big ego, but it's just a fake it, I guess. Well, I think what you're getting at, which is something I appreciate is, I mean, I saw you experience this huge career success. And then I remember very clearly you pulling up to do our show well into this massive success

with the hangover and just becoming this huge in-demand comedic star. And you pulled up to our show on the Warner Brothers Lot in, I'm not gonna say, it was a fine car, but it was just sort of, I think a car that you had had for quite a while that I don't think you had cleaned. And I remembered thinking,

do you know what I'm talking about? This was a- Was it my convertible Dodge Viper? It was definitely not. Or was it my Subaru Outback? I think it was a Subaru Outback that had seen better days. I think you have driven it through a rock slide. Yeah, with DuCoccus stickers on it.

I still have DuCoccus stickers on it, that's how old I am. Yeah, and you got out of the car and you were still really high on DuCoccus. You were like, I think he could still win this thing. And I remembered thinking, we have a show to do. And I know that was like 25 years ago, but we were talking about it then. And it occurred to me that, you know,

you're incredibly talented, but one of the things that I admired about you is that even then you had this whole, I think very healthy attitude, which is what you just said, isn't that weird that some people would lose their minds? That some people would, it would alter their behavior or who they are or who they would be friends with

or what they would drive? Well, I didn't become an actor to put on a fedora hat and then go hang out in the Hamptons. You know what I mean? That's what I feel like that's everybody's goal sometimes in Hollywood. Right. They just want to go to parties.

I'm just not that person. I just don't, it doesn't interest me. So that whole Hollywood-ness or whatever that is that people expect you to be like, it's just morally corrupt. Well, first of all, I agree with you except for the fedora part. I always thought, actually my obsession was always

that I wanted to start wearing a yachting cap because when I was a kid, if you watched a sitcom that was made in like the 60s or the 70s, the signal that fame or wealth had gone to someone's head was always a yachting cap and a blue blazer. So it was always, oh, did you hear that someone said when the lottery, well, don't worry, Charlie won't change. And then Charlie would walk in just then on cue

and go, well, hello everybody. And he'd have a yachting cap and a blue blazer. And I thought that was hilarious. I thought that was the funniest thing in the world. And I saw it in a million sitcoms. It's like, I'm sure they did it on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Silver Spoons and Too Close for Comfort. They did them every single time someone walked in.

And I thought, I would love to have committed to that back when I got my show in 93 and stuck with it. And just worn a blue blazer and a yachting cap every time I walked into a room. Well, it hasn't changed me at all. I think now you could really get away with it too. You could still pull, you could still try to go for that. Look, I dressed as Frida Kahlo for years.

No one would have thought just because we had the same eyebrows. Yeah, I actually feel, I don't know what your opinion is on this, but we've both met probably everybody we've kind of wanted to meet at some point or another. And you do see people that are made almost ill by being successful. Their ego inflates to the point

where they seem very unhappy. I've always kind of wanted to write a paper for like the New England Journal of Medicine that explains the phenomenon of people that had all their childhood dreams come true becoming miserable. Cause I honestly don't understand it. Well, maybe they get there and they realize,

oh, this isn't what I thought it was gonna be. I don't know, I don't know. There was a quote I heard years ago and I want to attribute it to Pat Noswald. I didn't come up with this, but I think maybe Pat did. And if he didn't, excuse me, whoever did come up with it. But the line is, I want to be so famous.

I'm never told the truth again. Which is so funny to me. I think that was General George S. Patton. I have to just tell our engineer, excuse me, Sam, we can hear everything that you're doing. You're crinkling your- I'm so sorry. Oh, sure.

Yeah, no problem. I'm sure that happens all the time on professional podcasts. Sam is back there making, I think a series of deli sandwiches and wrapping them for customers. Yeah. And then I had his microphone on. You're a cool ranch Doritos bag.

Yeah, I have another job during this one. I apologize. Yeah, yeah. That was insane. I was looking around thinking who's- I know, I said- Who's unwrapping- I emailed Sam.

L'Oreal products. And then I see Sam over there and he's full on just unwrapping a series of gifts with his microphone on. Zach, I apologize. I don't know what to say and how I can make this up to you other than to come to you personally at your home in Canada immediately and spend a week or two

making it up to you. I would love for you. I have a lot of chores I need you to do. Do you have a problem? If you did come visit me, there are chores that need to be done today. I'm someone, I'm not even kidding. Yeah.

You will back me up on this, Sona. I will do a chore. Yeah. I have a pickup truck and a friend of mine recently asked me to drive well out of my way like 60 miles and go pick up two small couches for her. This is my friend Amy. And I did and hauled them into the back of a pickup truck

and then drove them to her house and then hauled them into the house. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You did this on your own by yourself. When you say you have a pickup truck, you left out and the driver. Or do you just have a pickup truck yourself? His name is Giles.

Okay. His name is Giles and he wears a tuxedo. I have a Queen Anne bed in the back bed and I lie in it like a sick old lady and I'm driven around. No, I drove my own pickup truck to get, you know, when someone asked me to do something, I do it and I hate that I have to say this myself,

but I think I'm one of the nicest people that ever lived. I wish someone else had said it. Well, the way you recounted the story just now, you were like, she made me go 60 miles out of my way. Like you wanted us to know how much effort you put in. Do you remember when I did this? I do, because you've talked about it before. Well, I'm sorry.

Yeah, maybe I'm a dog with a bone here, but I wanted Zach to understand that I'm a real good guy. I hate to sound like I'm blowing my own horn, but I might be one of the three best people that ever lived. And I would gladly, you know, haul stuff in my pickup truck and help you in any way I could, Zach. I gotta tell you, years ago, somehow I met,

I knew this woman and I was selling her a couch and she said that she couldn't come pick it up, but her uncle was gonna come get it. And I go, okay, so great. And this guy shows up to take the couch away. This guy, his uncle. And it was Tony Shaloo. That's fantastic.

It's totally true. And I mean, I don't really, I mean, I just was, I just looked at it. I couldn't believe that, I mean, and also I just love his last name, Shaloobe. And he was, by the way, he was the nicest man. I don't know if you've ever interviewed that guy. Yeah, yeah, sure.

Wow, what a, what a down to earth. Absolutely, you mean you would have never known he was, you know, a successful actor the way he moved that couch. I didn't help him. Well, you know, you could have helped a little bit, it feels to me. I did, it was a love, it was actually a love seat.

I did. Can I ask a question? He showed up, did you say, hey, Tony Shaloobe, or did he shake your hand and say hello, and then look at a camera that wasn't there and say, I'm actor Tony Shaloobe. What happened? How does that, that's so awkward.

I opened the door, I opened the door, and as I see any actor, music goes off of my mind, it's, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. So the entertainment tonight theme plays in your head. Anytime you see any person of any fame. I think I may have opened and thought, oh, that guy looks like an actor, and then I found out from the lady I sold it to

that it was him, or I don't remember how it went down, but it was clearly Tony Shaloobe, he was by himself, you know, he, it was really, I mean, I guess the point is, actors can move couches too. That's the point I've been trying to make with this podcast, so now that you've made it, we can shut it down. This is the last episode of Conor Biden. I finally said the line, you wanted someone to say.

I've been trying forever, this is, this is. You win $300 too. He got $300, a little duck just came down. And pickles? No, no pickles, those, no, we can't do that, you know. No, I thought we were onto something before our, my engineer, Sam, I think, I believe he was wrapping a telescope with some very stiff wrapping paper

and left the mic on. We were talking about ego and you quoted Patton Oswald, and if you could repeat that quote, if it is Patton Oswald, because I thought this was, we're getting to something really good. I want to be so famous, I'm never told the truth again. I mean, it was said in jest, but it's just, it's such a funny thing.

No, and it's also, I do think it's funny because it's kind of true, but people who had some kind of unhappiness in their childhood, becoming famous as their revenge, it kind of works for a little bit, and then it's like any other drug, it fades really quickly, and then they're enraged. You don't know how many times I've said to someone,

you don't get it, I'm famous. You know, it's too bad. I used to, as a bit, in my 20s, in restaurants, when there wasn't room, or when they told me they had to wait, I would say, excuse me, do you know who I am? And it was a fun bit for me to do because I was, and then I got to this point when I was at a TV show where I couldn't, if I even started to do my favorite bit,

I was the biggest asshole in the world. So that one went, that one went really quickly. I'm sorry. Well, it's a good bit. You could say it to us any time you want. Well, I think I do. Yeah. Yeah, and you don't seem to care.

Are you looking for restaurant bits to do? I like restaurants. Yes, what restaurant, I want to hear, I want to hear. I have a great, it's only happened once where the waiter said the right thing back to me. So you know on menus, they'll have the price next to it, obviously, so this is a fun thing to do, go, yeah, I'll take the number 48 and the waiter goes,

sir, that's the price. And I went, oh, in that case, can I have the number six? There's a great, there's a great. It made me laugh. There's a great character actor named Louie Nye, who used to be on Steve Allen's Tonight Show. And if you saw him, he used to brilliant character actor and I went to a wedding once

and at this time he would have been, probably in his late 70s or early 80s, but I got seated at a table with Louie Nye and it came time for food to be served at this wedding and someone put a, this waiter put a plate, this woman put a plate of food right in front of him and he looked up with great sincerity and went, oh no, you didn't have to do that.

You shouldn't, you didn't have to do that. Like it was, she was giving him this great gift rather than just serving him his meal. And I laughed, he did it so well and you could tell he's been doing this bit since 1952 when he was on the early tonight. Oh no, you shouldn't have, no. And I thought, that's fantastic,

but I could never do it as well as him. I wish I could get away with that bit. I think you could, that sounds like a fun bit. You've seen me probably do some good bits in restaurants, Sona. Yeah, good, I've seen you do bits. Me and just put my glasses on a little bit sideways. Oh, that's not a bad bit, Conan.

I'm the only person who, you mean like, yeah? Yes, Zach. Yes, put the glasses on a little bit. I swear to God. Sona, it's one of those jokes that never gets old or funny. There's so many bits you can do once your eyes fail. I was so happy, most people get upset when they're in their mid 40s and they need glasses.

I was thrilled, because there's so many funny things you can do with glasses. It's just the world's your oyster. I hope more parts of my body fail very quickly so I can have more and more bits to do. Do you ever put them on upside down as if you didn't know you did put them upside down? Yep, sure.

You've done that one? We've all done that. In a restaurant. What was it like for you back in the early days before things went your way? Would you go out on auditions? Well, I would go out on commercial auditions and then I stopped doing that

because the last commercial audition years ago was they asked me to get on all fours and eat a cracker, which I just couldn't bring myself to do that one. And then I didn't do any more commercial auditions because I'm not good at auditioning. I never was good. I'm just not good at it. And then I got, once I auditioned for that show Frazier

and the feedback was that I needed to take a shower. What? What are you talking about? Yeah. That was the note you got after you auditioned? I didn't get it. I wasn't standing in the park and like, hey, what did you guys do?

No, but my representation relayed that information that it seemed like I needed a shower. Here's what that's some. By the way, that was the best feedback I'd gotten for years. Well, at least you knew they were paying attention. They were right. I don't know about you. I, you mentioned you went and do it to an audition

and then you walked out, you refused the indignity of having to get on all fours and eat a cracker. I would too, if I was asked to do it. But if I on my own, if it occurred to me that it might be funny to get on all fours and eat a cracker in front of my friends or even on national television, if in the moment it struck me and it was my idea,

I would do it in a second with no regret. Yeah, you're exactly right though. That it's the, if you came up with it, it's okay. But having someone say it to you for other reasons, is it doesn't, it's not the same. Yeah, it's like when I'm, when people try to hire me to murder, I'm insulted. I'm not a murderer for hire.

But when I lash out on my- You just do it on the side. Yeah, when I just lose my temper and murder someone, I think that's cool. Are you gonna edit that part out about the murder? Because- I mean, there's two ways to go. We used to edit out all my admissions of murder

and then we started leaving them in and kind of trying to turn it into an ad for various weaponry and that. And then prices just went through the roof. And Sona and I also want him arrested and locked up. So the sooner the better. Wouldn't that be nice? I think a lot of people would like to see that.

You think a lot of people, Zach would like to see me imprisoned? Yes. Incarcerated. Yes. Yeah, a lot of people. Yeah. I mean, look, the word, that's just the whisper.

Those are the whispers I've heard over the last few years. I've never heard that celebrity whisper. I've heard that person's mean, that person's cheap. I've heard all kinds of things, that person's cruel to their staff. I've heard all kinds of rumors. I've never heard. I really wish that person was incarcerated.

I've had Zoom meetings just to try to get you busted. We're gonna get you. We're gonna get you. That's the least threatening we're gonna get you I've ever heard. We're going to get you. We're gonna get you. We're going to get you.

We are going to get you. We are going to get you. Freeze. Do you done this strange thing where you have your own sense of dignity and self that you've built around your personal life and your family and who you are as a person outside of show business? How do I do that?

Tell me, how do I achieve that? Because to me, it's all about the latest hit, you know? Did I get my hit of fame? Are you still taking teen people? Are you still, is that still one of them? So I would just kind of ignore that realm of your life. Really? Ignore that? I would just, yeah.

And you always looking at your Twitter feed? I'm constantly on my Twitter feed. People tell me what they tweeted. I just glazed. They might have just farted. I hate talking about tweets. I hate tweets. I just glaze over.

I have no idea what that world is. It's just, I feel so, that's where I feel, especially comics and all this, and even the media, and they're just talking about people tweeting each other. It's so odd to me. I do not, I do, we sent out like a joke, a joke tweet once a day, but I don't engage. I'm not in there responding to people

and I'm not getting into it. But I know so many people really get into it and get into feuds. One of the things I see a lot that I've become obsessed with is clapping back at someone. And I've talked to you about this, Sona. What will happen is a celebrity will pose, a woman will pose in a bikini.

And then I swear to God, she hires whoever this person is, will hire five people to read every single comment until inevitably they find a negative one that says, you could look a little better in this bikini. And then what the star does is defiantly claps back. I clap back and I say, how dare you? I'm proud of my body and my curves. And then the media writes about it and says,

celebrity lady in bikini fought back and clapped back at the troll who dared to body shame her. And then other celebrities say, good for you. You clapped back at the troll. And then it's a whole thing. And I think, oh, it's the end of the American empire. Empire's usually fall within, right? They always fall from within.

Yeah. That's the phenomenon that to me is like a big cake, a big puffed up cake that's made of nothing. There's all this outrage. And then there's all this good for you and slapping on the back. And the enemy is a troll who no one ever knows. They're anonymous.

The celebrity doesn't really care. It's just, yeah, it's the end. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. It's strange. I once, my feeling about Twitter is, I thought I came up with this really great quote on my own, which is, take the high road.

There's no traffic on it. I really thought I came up with that. I started saying it to my niece or something and it just came out of my head. And I was really proud that that was my advice I'd given to this younger person about Twitter. God, I'm really, that's a really good quote. Take the high road.

There's no traffic on it. Wow, Zach, way to go. And then a week later, I saw, remember Trent Lott? Yeah, sure. He said the exact same thing. A week later. Yeah, sure. What's wrong with that?

He's Trent Lott, famous for his funny, funny aphorisms. What's your problem? You should be honored. Well, I thought I'd come up with this original quote and then I see, is that a thing people say, take the high road, there's less traffic on it? I haven't heard it. I mean, I heard at the time,

Trent Lott famously said it long before you did. I didn't know it other than that. Well, maybe he took it from me, Conan. I don't know. You've been taking stuff from Trent Lott and other senators for a long time. You took so much stuff from Cranston, good material. You're a bad guy.

Who's Cranston? Allen Cranston, Senator Allen Cranston, remember? Oh, well, you gotta give me first name. I don't think I have to. You know the other? I thought it was Brian. Yeah, there's a Jeff Cranston. Oh, you thought Brian Cranston.

And what did you think? Jeff. Jeff Cranston. Yeah. Just a guy I know, Jeff Cranston. Sure, you thought I was just talking about Jeff Cranston. Guys, I get some bad news for you. That quote, take the high road, there's a lot less traffic up there is from Dr. Phil.

No! Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Matt, that's coincidental. It has to be. Look, it's a cheesy quote. Look, I may have seen it on the back of a bumper sticker and then took credit for it, but I think I've got Dr. Phil of all people.

Have you seen his car around Hollywood that says Dr. Phil has his license plate on? Well, first of all, my car says Dr. Phil. So, it's with two Ls, but and it's caused, but I get pulled over a lot and then I have a fake mustache that I keep in my glove compartment.

No, what's his car look like? I think when I saw it, it was a, I think it was one of those low, like a Ferrari type, you know, one of those fancy things. Right. It is said Dr. Phil. And no, it could have been somebody else, I guess, then, and I've also seen a license plate

that says two and a half. You've seen that one because it was on the Warner Brothers lot. Have you ever seen that one? Oh, from two and a half men. The license plate. There's a license plate. It was one of the producers or stars of two and a half men

had a license plate that said two and a half. Uh-huh, uh-huh. That's a, that's a free Saturday afternoon to make that happen. I've got a lot of time on my hand. I always wanted the license plate. I am Conan O'Brien. Remember when I tried to get you to get that for me?

Yeah, it was too long. They said it was too long. Yeah. But I just wanted people to know it was me coming down the street. So instead I got a horn that went, So, I'm Conan O'Brien. I'm Conan O'Brien.

So there was a discussion and no, and there was no, like, maybe that's too long the name. And did you, or did you just go right to the, call the DMV Sonia and try to figure this out? I just, I pretended to actually look into it, but then I just told him it was too long. Sona does a thing that used to completely trick me, which is she would pick up the phone and I would say,

hey, I want the license plate, I am Conan O'Brien. And I could see in her eyes, oh, that's probably too long, but she wouldn't say that. She wants to, so she would pick up the phone. And it took me a long time to realize it wasn't a real phone. Oh. You had two phones, one that was real,

for when you wanted something. Yeah. And one was a banana. And one was, it was a banana and it had duct tape and some cord, some just, just some cord you'd use to tie up a bundle. And she'd pick it up and talk into it and say, yes DMV, hello, hmm, too many letters, A.

I understand, goodbye now, even before she asked the question. That tricked me for years. Yeah, for a really long time. Until the banana started to rot. Yeah, it was the same banana for years. For four years it was the same banana. And once she picked up the phone and it exploded,

and there was banana goo all over the place, I blame you, Zach. I'm so disappointed that the banana, talking into a banana, my kids have now aged out of me talking into a banana like a phone. They thought it was amazing for years, but now it's not as good.

My children aged out of every, me as a person. It's totally, I swear to God, I go home. And the amount of just disinterest and abuse is off the charts. It's just, and that's so heart-breaking. Yeah, yeah, 18 and 16, they're just, Are you have boys coming in? Or you don't have to say.

No, no, I'm happy to open up, I think. I don't think I'm revealing much that's scandalous. This could be a brave moment. This is a brave moment where Conan admits that he has an 18-year-old daughter and a 16-year-old son. Wow. And I am the joke. I enter the house and immediately there's like,

derision, laughter, look at the idiot. If I try and use any kind of tech, it's all, what a dope, what a sap. Yeah. Sorry. Did you do that to your folks? You couldn't, be honest with you. Yeah, you couldn't.

It was a different time. The let's make fun of our parents thing is a product of like the last 25, 30 years. Before that, you know, my dad grew up in the depression and so did my mom and World War II and all that stuff. And so you didn't go like, ha, ha, look at the idiot. They would, you know, they would take a poker from the fireplace and start beating you with it

until you stopped making fun of them. I find there's a certain generation then, and I mean this sincerely, my parents never complained. They never did. They just didn't, they just never complained. I think that's interesting. And I always thought that was, I think it's, that's a generational thing.

I've noticed that with older people, maybe it's, maybe it's wisdom, I don't know, but my father would never have complained about Canadian pickles ever. No, he'd have been grateful that he had shelter, right? In a country as lovely as Canada. Speaking of kids, can I tell you something my kid said the other day,

apropos of nothing, but we were speaking to kids. And I really thought it was plenty. I don't even, I can't quite figure out what made him say this. I mean, he is funny. I will say that he's four. He's five now, but when he said it, he was four. And I was, I was on a ferry boat.

I was sitting by myself with the public, you know, people around, strangers, and he walks up to me. He goes, hey dad, I promise I'll never smoke a cigarette again. And he just walks away. Ha ha ha ha, four years old, that's fantastic. Yeah, but I don't know, he had such a sincere look on his face, like maybe he does smoke it. I don't even know about it, but that was either wit,

but I don't, I don't know, that's just, I don't know what that was, it was really interesting. I think about, I've been thinking about a lot, what that says about him. Is that just a witty thing, or is it just? Well, I think also, I mean, yours, no, any son of yours is gonna have great deadpan. You are one of the best dry deadpan comedic performers.

Me and Gallagher. You and Gallagher. The way Gallagher can just keep a straight face as he smashes a melon into pulp. But you, I would think that's in the blood. I think just, he would learn from you that you just, you don't, you don't indicate a joke. You walk up and say, hey, after this,

this cigarette, this is gonna be my last one, you know, and really come into it. Yeah, I was proud of him, I have to say, for quitting smoking. You know, since I last talked to you, which was a while ago, we had President Obama on the podcast and I was chatting with him. We got into comedy and talking about comedy and his interactions with comedians over the years

and I brought you up and said, I think that was my favorite thing that any president, you're between two ferns with Obama, I thought was the best comedic use of a commander in chief that I've ever seen in my life. But he was talking about how your rhythm, I could tell it almost unnerved him a little bit, your rhythm in a way that he found different

because he's such a cool customer and he is very comfortable riffing with people. And he found your rhythm to be so unique that he couldn't quite figure out what the rhythm was and it kept him maybe slightly off balance, but he didn't show that. This sounds like a review from an old date I went on. I mean, this doesn't sound like an interaction

with the president. It's true. No, I will say that he, I was incredibly nervous and usually I'm not, I mean, no, I guess I am nervous sometimes. I get nervous, sometimes I'm nervous and sometimes I'm not. But we filmed it in the White House and I was nervous. But he was, I just thought he got it right away

and he used my energy, whatever that is. And he just did it, yeah, he did a great job with it. You are so rude. And I think that's probably one of the reasons you were nervous is that- I knew I had questions that I was gonna ask. I'm a pretty normal responsible person in real life. So, you know, that between two firms of rudeness,

knowing I had to ask certain questions, probably, yeah. And also, and I think you and I discussed this before, before I interviewed him, I was waiting in one of these rooms, a map room that I was sitting in the chair that I didn't know was roped off. So the security guy came up to me and he goes, what are you, can't you see that chair's roped?

You're sitting and I go, I'm so sorry. And I moved and he came back in and he goes, what, you can't sit in that chair. I was just, I was really, I was really kind of nervous about it. But you know what, I went in, I had a question for Obama, President Obama to, which was, I asked him if he knew

who Gerald Ford's vice president was, because no one remembers. Don't say it, if you know it, Conan, don't say it. Do you know who it was? I believe I do, but I won't say. Okay, so I stumped him on it. And I think in a weird way, I just wanted to say, hey, I know this

and you don't know this. It's just a weird trivia thing that no one can ever get who, they just don't remember who Gerald Ford's vice president, I don't know what it is. But I'm curious if you know this. Is it Nelson Rockefeller? Without, yes!

Yes! You're the third person that's ever got there. Yes, I knew that. Okay, and I didn't, I don't have a, a device with me at all. I just happened to know that it was Nelson Rockefeller. That's what makes me so good at comedy. Yeah, that's why kids high-five me on the street. Good call, we knew it was Rockefeller

and so did you, Conan. Yeah, I think it's funny, because anyone who knows you knows that there is this great disconnect in your comedy, you're quite fearless and seemingly, especially on, in between two ferns, seemingly uninterested in what another person's feelings might be, to an insane degree, which makes it so funny.

And then in real life, you were a very sensitive person who really cares if you've hurt someone's feelings and would lose sleep over it, if you thought you did. Right, oh yeah, for sure. If I really hurt someone's feelings, I can't, I can't deal with that, for sure. But the between two ferns, the rudeness, so I just thought it was so funny.

All these celebrity, actor people, always get interviewed politely. And I just thought there was something funny about not being polite, not knowing who they, I mean, I don't know a lot about, I mean, I know about show business, but there's been people I've interviewed that they'd had to tell me who,

I mean, we did Jerry Seinfeld once and I had no idea. No, we did, and we had Cardi B as her name on, also. And they had, I mean, I didn't really know who she was yet. So the idea of that show is kind of a fantasy that I had because I had a late night talk, like a, in quotes, legitimate talk show years ago with an audience and all that stuff before between two ferns.

And I was trying to do that stuff then, but it just wasn't panning out because it was on VH1 and they didn't get what I was doing. So it was kind of a fantasy thing. Man, if I could just get an interview show where I can roll my eyes at what they're saying. I mean, celebrity in general should be mocked. It's so ridiculous.

It's how we ended up with a celebrity president. America's obsession with celebrity is of mental illness. Yeah, I think. Yeah, I mean, I have long said, because I'm a history buff, you know, in the, you know, acting used to be considered a lowly profession. As it should be. Yeah, and I've always, I'm not kidding.

I always thought, yeah, that's right. And so when Lincoln was shot at Ford's Theater by John Wilkes Booth, everyone in attendance who climbed up into the box to try and assist him said, we've got to get him out of here to die. I'm not kidding. This is true. People thought the president of the United States cannot die in a theater.

They acted like it was a house of, you know, prostitution or something. My God. Hey, can I ask you a question? No, there isn't time. You're a Lincoln, you're a Lincoln kind of, you know a lot about President Lincoln. President Lincoln and the Lincoln automobile.

I know about both. Well, do you mind if I ask you about not the car? Yeah, that's okay. Lincoln's son. Well, we had a couple, yeah. Right, but one of his sons was rescued by John Wilkes Booth's brother, correct? Who was also an actor in New York.

Have you ever heard this? Well, he had a, he came from a fact, Booth came from a famous acting family and I think he has a brother. There's a Junius Booth and an Edmund Booth, I think, and they're both famous. And then there was Booth, Bader Ginsburg. Okay, you know, I trusted you.

I really did trust you. I trusted you to be a mature, I'm not sure. I think that's possible. I've heard something along those lines. I don't really know that story. Only one of Lincoln's sons really survives into adulthood and that's Robert Lincoln who goes on to become a very wealthy kind of industrialist.

I have it here if you guys want. Right, he's the one that came up with the Lincoln tow cart. You know what, if you're gonna, listen, I'm trying very hard, this is a historic show, a serious history show, Zach, and your hijinks aren't helping. Matt, are you looking it up?

Yeah, I got it here. Okay, wait, wait, before you say anything, this is what I remember from my recall. John Wilkes Booth's brother, who was also an actor in New York, somehow saved Abe Lincoln's son from a train track. Is that what it is, Matt? Yeah, that's pretty close. According to Wikipedia here,

Edwin Booth saved Abraham Lincoln's son, Robert from serious injury or even death. The incident occurred on a train. Oh, I put that entry in. I put that entry in Wikipedia. Can you discern another reference? Wait, so this is true, this is a true story. The incident occurred while a group of passengers

were late at night purchasing their sleeping car places from the conductor who stood on the station platform at the entrance of the car. The platform was about the height of the car floor, and there was, of course, a narrow space between the platform and the car body. There was some crowding, and I happened to be pressed against it,

against the car body while waiting my turn. In this situation, the train began to move, and by the motion I was twisted off my feet and had dropped somewhat with feet downward into the open space and was personally helpless. When my coat collar was vigorously seized and I was quickly pulled up and out to a secure footing on the platform,

upon turning to thank my rescuer, I saw it was Edwin Booth, whose face was, of course, well-known to me, and I expressed my gratitude to him and in doing so called him by name. You know, you didn't finish the famous ending of the story. Is it Edwin Booth said to Robert Lincoln, famously, now we're even.

But in Latin. Jesus. Yeah, he said, now we're even. Wow. So no more bitching about my brother shooting you, father. Cause I just saved your ass. Are we even now or even? And then he kept shouting, even, even, even, and high-fiving, trying to get people to high-five him.

Oh no, that's not true. He was a real prick about it. And then Conan, also, your name is mud. Is that from the Lincoln days? Your name is mud. Yes, it is. The expression. No, someone is laughing, but that's correct, right? Yeah, Sona's laughing because she always laughs at knowledge,

but she thinks, she thinks knowledge is funny. She loves it, no. Samuel Mudd, Samuel Mudd was the, was a physician who tended to Booth when he broke his foot after and helped him kind of go on his way and possibly escape and kind of made a shoddy attempt to say, I didn't know it was Booth when it's clear he did know

it was Booth and was a sympathizer. Some people think that the whole phrase, my name is Mudd, came because Mudd was imprisoned and was thought of as a terrible guy. So his name, Samuel Mudd, became synonymous with great dishonor. I love that I'm answering these questions. Yeah, what about, where's the beef?

Interesting, yeah, the action. Can I take that one? Can I take that one? That's the stuff I know about. You know the actress who said, where's the beef? I know her name. Clara Peller. Clara Peller, I don't know why I know that,

but you know what frustrates me is that there's so many important things I don't know, but if you wake me up in the middle of the night and say, who is the actress who said, where's the beef? I can immediately say Clara Peller. If you ask me my son's middle name, I struggle. It's Clara Peller. It's Clara Peller.

I know the lyrics to most wham songs, but I don't know much about the Constitution. Jitterbug. Say jitterbug. I'll say jitterbug. I thought that's not even right. That's really good. What is it?

Is that a wham song? Is it? They don't just say jitterbug. Don't they say do the jitterbug? Then he does. I think there are some lyrics, but I think he just, I just always heard jitterbug and then turned off the radio. I never listened for more.

I know there's a part where he's like, doob-boob-see-ba-bay. He says you put the boom-boom into my heart. You put the boom-boom into my heart. And then what's the rest? You make my soul sky high like when your love in starts, jitterbug into my brain. Why do you know this?

Oh my God. Why do you know that? I don't know. I think I've just heard it so many times. That's surprising myself. We've got everything covered here. Yeah. Sona loves political music. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

That's her genre. That was a very political song. You got the, you got the world by the tail, Zach. You really do. I gotta say that. Wake me up. Is that Wake Me Up Before You Go Go? Is that the song?

Wake me up Before You Go Go. Don't Leave Me Hanging Like a. Unlike a yo-yo. But no, you need another thing in there. Don't Leave Me Hanging On. Oh, Hanging On Like a Yo-Yo. Oh, that was Hanging Like a. Yeah.

Faulty yo-yo. Let's have this podcast now morph into all we do is try and figure out the lyrics of very forgettable songs from the 80s and 90s. Well, we can mix it all together and do like Harry Truman, Doors Day, Red China, Johnny Ray. Yeah.

What? We didn't. Okay, blown away. What else do I have to say? We didn't start the fire. I was on Saturday Night Live when Billy Joel was the guest and sang that song. And I remembered standing next to the head writer, Jim Downey,

and he just looked at me with contempt and said, he's just listing things. Do you know the comic Andy Kenner, right? Yes, Andy Kenner, very funny. So Andy has a great bit about a Billy Joel song. He goes, is a piano man making love to my tonic and gin. He goes, it's gin and tonic. Don't change the name of the drink just to fit your.

Yeah. That's right. Nine o'clock on a Saturday, regular crowd shuffles in. And then the next to me making love to his tonic and gin. Yeah, he should have said gin and tonic. You don't have a wall banger, Harvey. What he should have said, it's his Friday night on a Saturday.

An old man shuffles in with a cough that's chronic. And he starts sipping next to me on his gin and tonic. Yeah, that's the way to do it. There it is. It should have been that. That's a better song. Hey, you wanna meet Conan O'Brien? Please, this is a big deal.

My wife just, my wife just walked in. I'm guessing she said no. She said no. Yeah, she's moved on. Do you realize what that feels like for me? That's very insulting. You know what I, my favorite humiliating thing that happens is if you're in like a,

and then I'm sure this has happened to you, but I'll be getting my groceries or something and the person be like, oh my God. Oh yeah, Conan O'Brien. I go like, oh yeah, hey, how are you? Good to see you. Hey, Joe, Joe, Joe, do you know who this is? Do you know who this is?

And the person, you know, three aisles over will go. Nah. Oh. And then he'll go, it's Conan O'Brien. And they'll go, nah. And they'll go, you don't know him? Nah. And they stretch it out.

That's what you just did with your wife. You said you wanna see Conan O'Brien and she blew me off. She did. Can I tell you, my interactions with people like that are always bad. I miss, this is true. I've had someone come up to me and she goes, excuse me, are you an actor?

And I go, yes, ma'am. She goes, are you from those hangover movies? I go, yes, I am. She goes, I heard you died. Oh my God. Hold on a second. Is that true? Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

It's completely, completely happened. Ha ha ha. And I just, for some reason I just thought of, I just looked at her and go, I don't know, are we in hell? And I just walked away. And that was, usually that's how it goes for me in public. It's never a compliment.

It's never a, no one with a doctor's smock comes up to me and says, hey, is somebody with a who farted T-shirt? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You know, Zach, I love talking to you. You do have, I know we've mostly engaged in foolishness, pure foolishness, but you have one of the most original comedic rhythms I've ever encountered. And you're always really fun to talk to

and you're a real human being, which is a rarity in our business. So I was very excited that you had time to chat with us today. Seriously. I appreciate that Conan, and thanks for inviting me. I've done your podcast before, but I don't think it ever came out.

Well, is this one gonna come out? We tried to release it and there was, this is very rare with a podcast, but your first one, we tried to put it out and there was such a lack of interest. Yeah, it was also around the time that you died, so we wanted to be sensitive. Yeah.

Oh, right. People thought, let's just do depressing, but I think we'll put this one out. We're gonna put this one out. What do you say? Will it go out like in the next 10 minutes? Be hard to pull off, but I'll try. What is the, what is the, what do you do?

You just interview someone for an hour and then you, do you get to decide, Conan, when you wanna release them or do you just? I have very little, think of Ronald Reagan late in his second term. That's the level of control I have over this podcast. I am an amiable presence. Will, Will, and I have some jelly beans on my desk

and people are generally like to see me when I come out and I wave, but I'm not really, you know, my hands are not on the controls here. I'm not sitting in a- That was the best, that was the best Reagan impression I've seen in a long time. Will, Will, Will, wanna do my, wanna hear my rap and Ronnie Reagan?

Will. Woo-poo, woo-poo. Will, Will. Woo-poo, woo-poo, woo-poo, woo-poo. Will, Will, Will. Woo-poo, woo-poo, woo-poo. Well, I'm Ronald and I'm here to say that I'm gonna blow up.

Sorry, that was a bit from the 80s that used to horrify me. There was a guy who used to rap as Ronald Reagan and it so horrified me that it's still in my brain. He was rapping Ronnie and he was here to say that he's gonna blow up the USA. Well, I know what I'm gonna Google when I get done with this interview.

Zach, I promise you this will be released. There'll be a lot of blowback, a lot of anger, but it will be released. Oh, I just can't wait to look at all the message boards. Zach, I'm coming up to visit you. There's nothing you can do about it. Please, please. We're gonna have fun.

Please. I'll haul some stuff for you in my truck and... If you take a jet ski, it only takes about four days. Get a jet ski out of here. God bless you, Zach Galifianakis, you're a good man. Thank you, you guys, thanks, thanks, Connie. Thank you, Zach, that was really funny. Thank you for doing it.

Bye, everybody. Tell your wife I really am, she missed out. It's a real experience. Okay, I'll let her know. Yeah, let her know that it was really, it would have been a thrill for her. It's like meeting a young Sinatra. Yeah.

I'm hesitant to bring something up because I don't know what this means, but it's looking like my newborn daughter, Conan, might have red hair. Is that true? Really? It looks like it. You know, the hair can change for newborns,

but the first fluff fell out and then the stuff coming in is kind of red. I need your guidance, what do I do? You gotta give her up. No, you do not have to give her up, Sona. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that's where, we were all headed, no? No, that's not where we're headed.

Do I put her in a program? Is there some kind of therapy? What do I do? Well, you should know some things. There's some things that make, I've mentioned this before, but I was the only redhead of six kids in my family, and I remembered thinking that it stowed some sort of,

I don't know, it was like a magical mystical sign that I was meant for greatness. And then we realized that wasn't true, but then I got into the show business and sort of packed out a living. But no, it is, everything you've heard is true. There are fewer and fewer redheads all the time. We will go extinct.

It's a squirrely gene, which means you can have 50 kids and none of them will be redheads, and then someone else can have two kids and both of them are redheads and the parents don't even have red hair. So it's a gene that just shows up places. So you don't know, but I think it means that your daughter is destined to do amazing things.

I really do. Okay, I like the sound of that. And when I say amazing things, I mean where a large hat at the beach, hmm. Take a long time to find someone who'll date you. Oh no, did she have very fair skin, Matt? Yeah, yeah, she does.

Amanda's got kind of more olive tone skin where I have the Irish pink as well. And I think she got that. And I have a little red in family history and my beard used to be red. Oh, I thought you meant you had a little red on your body, like your whole body is not redheaded, but then there's a small tuft at your low back.

No. That's right copper. Oh yeah, my little cotton toned. Oh, come on, guy. He's got that little copper brillo pad on his low back. What is happening? I don't know. No, I used to have a kind of reddish beard,

but now it's mostly gray. Yeah. It's not too early to dye her hair and. No, this is terrible. It is too early. It's not too early. What's wrong with being a redhead? Ask, think of all the great redheads in history.

Oh, who? Little Orphan Annie, Pippi Longstocking, all fictional characters. The Wendy's girl? The Wendy's girl? I auditioned to be the Wendy's girl and I came in third. Carrot top? Carrot top?

This, yeah, I got to dye her hair. Yeah, you got to fix that situation. No, no. You got to fix it when it's early. No, this isn't like she has bowed legs and needs to get braces. This is red hair. It's beautiful.

I mean, they put those little rubber helmets to fix how their plates are coming together. We need to get a little like helmet that injects just a little bit of dye over time. Give her a little. She'll never know she was a redhead, yeah. Guys, do you know how many times in my 20s, women came up to me and said,

oh my God, a redhead, I want to do you? How many times? Zero. It was a trick question. No one ever said that. Oh my God, I want to do you? Does that not help people talk? It's not help, even if you had brown hair,

nobody would say that to you. I mean, girls don't go around like I've never gone up to a guy and been like, yeah, I want to do you. Oh my God. Oh, Sona, I beg to differ. I remember you had a little crazy time there in your mid-20s that I was witness to. Okay.

Did you not act that way sometimes? Moving on, I would never go up to a guy that, but yeah, I had game, it was different. Yeah, your game was you'd hit them over the head with a club and then drag them to your room. That's what you did, it was caveman style. Anyway, you got to dye her hair. Did you have game back in the day?

Sona, did you have game? Yes, I had, you saw me. I believe it. You saw me. You saw me when I would like, you know, talk to guys, flirt it up. I was, I remember sitting at tables with you when you were single and there'd be a waiter

that would come over who you thought was cute and you'd make these big eyes at the waiter. I remember that very clearly. I've left my number on checks before at restaurants. Yeah, I've done that. You've done that at pawn shops. Yeah. Real funny, that's funny.

Anyway, dye her hair, Matt. An old man who just, he just left a crutch, a cane there. You pawned your grandfather's cane and you, I was like, well, thank you very much, what's this number? Well, I want you to call it and find out. First date, I brought you a transistor radio. It's got Bakelite dials, it's from the 40s. I hate it here.

Do you really? You're in your own home. Yeah. Okay, well, listen, we'll get back on track and just say that I'm very happy for you that she's a redhead and I think I've, of course, seen her, she's beautiful and I think she's going to represent us redheads perfectly

and she'll be a great member of our tribe and I hope her hair never changes. I hope it's just fiery red for her entire life. I curse you. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Saks, Joanna Solotarov

and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Will Bekdon.

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