Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 10. Bonday

Episode Date: April 3, 2017

Whoa, it's the first ever 10th episode! In today's discussion, Chris talks about BONDAY. #bonday is a fake day that Chris invented to describe people on social media who do nothing. Every day is Bonday for them. Also discussed: Chris's birthday and not wanting to do things for your birthday, people who say 'cha cha cha' in the middle of the birthday song, David Guetta (kind of), road trips, and a whole bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else. Today's episode was brought to you by Square Cash. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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This is the 10th episode of Congratulations, the podcast. And today's show is brought to you by Blue Apron. And Blue Apron is the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. You understand that? It's number one. So what I like about it is that it's affordable. And you can't argue with that for less than $10 per person. Permiel Blue Apron delivers recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals.

So it makes it easier. All right? Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash congrats. We're also brought to you by Square Cash. Square Cash is the best way. I am telling you the best way to pay people back friends family co-workers anyone you can pay back your enemies with this honestly uh sending and receiving money is completely free and it's fast it's instant you understand it's technology that's

how it is nowadays and most payments can be deposited directly in your bank account in seconds download the free square Cash app for iOS or Android and do it now if you like me. Hey, guys. We're here. And we're doing it. We're doing it live. All my babies are gathered around your phone,

you're in your car. So maybe you're listening with your family. You got an old radio and you figured out how to turn it off. You know what I mean? Just listen to this podcast and listen to Chris D'Elia just kind of talk about his life and his ups and downs over the week and his trials and tribulations.

And so here we are. And if you're listening with your friend, why don't you do this for me? If you're driving, maybe you're going to work, or maybe you're driving on a road trip, maybe you're binge listening to this, why don't you do this for me? If you're driving, maybe you're going to work, or maybe you're driving on your road trip, maybe you're binge listening to this, like I'm fucking Iron Fist, or Luke Cage, or fucking, what's the one with Jason Momoa on Netflix? I didn't even know that guy was in a fucking series. It's like on season two.

What's it called? Jason Momoa? I don't know. It's got so much brown in it. That's all I know. Is their clothes are brown. The place is brown. The people are brown. Everything is brown. The hair is brown. They have no blondes in the show. It's a Netflix show. And if you're with your person and you look over to them, even if you're driving, I don't give a fuck. If it's dangerous, you do this. You look over them and you have over to them even if you're driving i don't give a fuck if it's dangerous you do this you look over them and you have a moment with them do it like for two or three seconds and here's what i want you to do look at that person and while you're looking at that

person this go ahead do it now you're doing it there you go that was your fucking crystalia virtual kiss for you and And it was super awkward. Probably if like two extremely hetero aggro fucking guys from Nebraska, we're looking at each other. You guys just kissed each other. That's what happened. Um, yeah.

So, uh, it's, um, it's now Monday or Tuesday, April 3rd or 4th. Did you do an April Fool's joke? You fucking asshole.

Because, you know, either you're a jokester or you're not. You're not a jokester for a day, okay? And if anyone got caught, which, if anyone got caught for more than a second, I think, not even a second, like a nanosecond. Like somebody wrote on Facebook, oh my God, Trump got impeached. And my heart went, what? And then I went, wait, no, April Fool's.

If it lasted any longer than that, you got no head, okay? Because you don't have a brain. But yeah, so don't be a jokester one day of the year. Don't be like a straight-laced Wall Street dude. And then all of a sudden, like April 1st comes along and you let your co-workers pants on fire and then you're like april fools no you're you're just like kind of like letting some deep deep rooted fucking deeper issues out if that's how you are um but also i hate pranks i always say that if you do pranks i think i can't remember how we, I think we started,

came up with this on the set of undateable Ron. And I used to say this Ron Funches, shout out who started his tour, by the way, go buy tickets to Ron Funches tour. Um, but yeah, if you do pranks, you're like, people would always ask us on the set of undateable. Do you guys prank each other? You guys are funny. Do you guys prank each other? And we would always say that pranks, if you do pranks, you're are funny do you guys prank each other and we would always say that pranks if you do pranks you're not funny that's what people do who like don't like who are just like like if you're a person with a sense of humor you're just funny and you just like think things are funny but if you got if you're doing like a prank like you put peanut butter in your friend's gloves like that's like you're not

that's not you're just like boring and you learned to do something like that if you're like in the corner like watch him put on the gloves watch him watch him he's got peanut butter in his hands and then you just have to wipe it off and shit it's not that cool but um yeah so if you're doing if you like participate in april fools that's kind of like i don't know that's like uh one day that's like uh you know what that's like like my well it's not really like this but it made me think of something else. My opener, who will be called opener, because I'm not giving him the fucking, you know what I mean? I help him out enough. Well, fuck it.

His name is Mike. But he thinks he's like an athlete, and it bothers me. Like if a game is on, he'll be like, dude, you know what? This is how it is. This is smash mouth football and this and that and yardage and over the line and like but like if you get a ball and there's a ball around he'll start tossing around and get a real real aggressive you know i got buddies that are in there well in their 30s that play basketball no you on the clippers no you ron uh fucking ron um who's the guy that i always think of that i can't think of right now hey

you vladi diva no put the ball down go to work go to a gym and just move around you're playing ball you're taking it seriously. No, dude, you know what? Actually, I fucking one time was playing Frisbee golf or ultimate Frisbee is what it was when I was in high school. And I was fucking around. We were throwing Frisbees. And somebody said to me, he was a year older. His name was Mike too, actually. And he said, you know what? It's actually a lot more fun if you take it seriously. And I walked home. Straight up, put the Frisbee, threw the Frisbee, walked home. Can't do it.

That was my moment where I realized, okay, done with this. Not Vladi Divac, leaving. Moran Artest, leaving. Moran Artest? Leaving. My fucking... God. My David Robinson? Leaving.

My Dominique Wilkins? Leaving. My Magic Johnson? Leaving. Leaving. Hey, I got a question for you, dude. Larry Bird? Leaving.

Sean Kemp? Leaving. Leaving. Scott Stiles? Leaving. mscott styles leaving what was the fucking i like thinking of the john stockton passing to carl malone john stockton passing to the mailman for nassist leaving yeah dude i know the utah jazz utah jazz dude you know gayest name ever and basketball utah jazz uh like just imagine being drafted and being one of those straight laced fucking like i just said aggro sports dude that would be like that would say something like dude i'm the fucking i would i'm the least i'm the most heterosexual male in life one time i was at a dinner with a guy i didn't know him but somebody was like uh

you know sometimes uh i don't remember what happened but it was this was like a long time this was like i was fucking 20 and somebody was like hey man you're happened, but this was like a long time ago. This was like I was fucking 20. And somebody was like, hey, man, you're acting gay. And he was like, nah, I'm the most heterosexual man you ever, ever met. He actually said that, and I thought, fucked four guys for sure. Fucked five guys, no doubt. Nobody says that and doesn't have some pent-up, deep, deep fucking seated shit going the other way. Also, what's the most heterosexual man alive what's he do what's that guy do only fuck girls all the time and watch sports

and like like what does that mean um so yeah so my so my opener thinks he's an athlete and he's not and a lot of people do though man people are like you want to fucking play you want to play ball and i'm like now just chill i'm 30 fucking seven gonna hurt my back um by the way i am 37 my birthday happened so that was fucking cool and people bug me on birthdays because they're always wanting you to do shit. Hey, we should go to dinner. Like I give a fuck about you this day now because it's your birthday and I don't want to go to dinner and I don't want to make a thing of it

and I don't want to make it special. I did a show. That's what I did. That's all I did was I did a show. Make it special. I did a show. That's what I did. That's all I did was I did a show.

And it was actually fucking so actually sweet because I don't know this, but my buddy Dean Del Rey, he went on first, and I wasn't there yet, and he told the crowd that it was my birthday. And when I came up, they should all sing me happy birthday. And I got on stage, and everybody in the fucking audience stood up and sang happy birthday to me. And I got emotional. I actually had to tilt my head back because I was going to start crying and I didn't want the tears to run down my face. So I tilted my head up like I was looking at something on the ceiling. Fuck, it was so funny. And it was so sweet, man. You know what's funny, man? That kind of shit fucks anybody up. You could be literally James Bond and be like, you know.

Or like some southern fucking guy that's just like a real blue collar. Like, you know, live for my family. That's all I did. You know? And like, just go and for my family. That's all I did. You know? And, like, just go and go to work. That's what it is. Cogging the machine, boys. And then if, like, 50 people sang them happy birthday of their, like,

in their establishment, you'd be like, oh, boy. Well, anyway, let's get back to work fellas you looking up at the sky hank nah i mean just i thought there was something on the ceiling i'm gonna go to the bathroom and then he's in the bathroom he's like like it's funny how that shit gets you it's like that scene in uh uh goodwill hunting when he's like it's not your fault by the way i wish that scene was when when he's it's not your fault he's like i know that's the best acting ever it's not my fault yeah i know it's not your fault i know dude i know it's not your fault i know it's not your fault i know i wish that scene lasted honestly the only

thing that would have made that scene better if it for real lasted two and a half minutes if it went like if it was drawn out that long and it would be so weird and then he starts to cry after two and a half minutes i know i know just after two and a half minutes is robin williams it's not your fault matt damon i i know it's not your fault i i know two and a half minutes and then just fucking and then he ended up crying like this that would have been the best scene i've ever seen in my life but it already is top 10 um so uh yeah it was my birthday i i uh i don't know i don't really do presents or whatever i don't get people gifts so i don't expect to get gifts and shit got some nice cards got some nice virtual cards got some nice shoes got some nice things you know

i'm a hooker with these shoes by the way man i love shoes so much i'm like a hooker i practically had sex for money um but uh yeah i i don't i also when you're singing happy birthday dude whenever somebody this is what happens like they sang happy birthday to me there was like 150 people in the room and i didn't know it was going to happen by the way the video is on my instagram if you go look at my instagram everybody stood up and did it and it was really sweet if you give a shit um but uh when i was um i every time on a birthday i think i used to have this girl in drama in drama class when i was in high school and man it grind my fucking gear this was like young chris when i first came into the, this is when I was first becoming who I was and I realized the shit that I liked and didn't like.

This girl, whenever there was someone's birthday and drama, God, I can barely do this right now without cringing. I'm already cringing. People would sing, happy birthday to you. And when they would get to that you part she would go very in a dead pan way cha-cha-cha she would go so it would be like happy birthday to you cha-cha-cha happy birthday to you cha-cha-cha oh my god dude, my heart is heavy right now. Like it is so cringe. I am cringing my asshole Titan dude to, first of all, it's, you know, she does it every

time, even if even the first time. So that's infuriating. Okay. That's infuriating. Okay. Second of all, the deadpan, like, I'm not doing it, but I'm still, it's funny. But look how funny it is because I'm not acting like it's funny. Made me want to rip off my shirt like Hulk Hogan. Okay.

But the worst part is that she's making the birthday song about her. And it's supposed to be about the fucking guy's birthday it is. And she would sit there and every time somebody's birthday was, and I knew it was fucking coming too. I knew it was coming. Every time. Happy birthday. And you got to sing. You got to sing or you're the fucking asshole.

You're not going to not sing. It's like the guy who doesn't dress up for halloween the biggest asshole is the guy who doesn't dress up for halloween even though you're an asshole if you dress up for halloween so there's a lose-lose so just you know so she would sit there and i knew it was coming happy birthday and here it fucking comes and then she would be in the background. Cha, cha, cha. Oh, drove me crazy. Dude, I would just watch her. And I wouldn't even be angry.

I would just be like, what kind of a person develops into somebody who does this? First of all, first of all, cha-cha-cha. Like, that's the, anything. She could have been like, ba-da-ba-brown, but cha-cha-cha, the cutest shit. I'll buy a sword, dude. I'll buy a sword. You understand what I'm saying? That kind of shit makes me want to leave immediately and go buy a sword.

That's how angry i was i'm not i'm not even i'm just i'm not even i don't even mean i'll use this sword i just mean it makes me so like okay got it i'm gonna buy a sword now i collect swords now that's what happened you fucking did cha-cha-cha now now I collect swords. It makes sense. I know some of you guys are like, why would he buy a sword? It makes fucking sense. Chris, why did you start collecting swords? Listen to fucking episode 10 on my podcast and the cha-cha-cha moment. That was his origin story. That was his origin story. That was his origin story. That was his origin story. I wanted to, by the way, this is how fucking crazy this is. This is how off track I am on this podcast.

Not off track, but like there was a girl that came up to me the other day, and she was like, you know why I like your podcast? And I said, what? Why? why and she said because it's the journal and and i and i thought it was funny but it's kind of true like i'm just writing this shit down in my uh in my uh you know my audio space that'll definitely somebody will fucking take a clip sometime and put it on fucking somewhere and it'll bury me for sure you'll cut it together it'll be like it'll cut it together it'll seem seamless and it'll come out like you know what fuck koreans or something it'll cut it all together and people will be like you said this and i didn't know i didn't say that

um and uh and uh so yeah but so it is kind of like that. And it's definitely stream of consciousness. But what I wanted to start off the podcast saying, and here's the thing that because I just happened. I was like, I'm going to talk about this on the podcast as soon as I sit down. It didn't happen yet. And we're fucking 20 minutes in. But I was at my coffee spot that I go to to get my coffee. I rushed out to do it because I got to start the day doing that.

I can't just wake up and then sit and do the podcast. I feel like I need to go get my coffee. And here it is. Drinking it. But like before me, there was this guy who came into the coffee shop and he had he was dressed literally like a neo neo in the matrix and he had on boots over his skinny jeans that were like flapping out like over it they were really high like he was um lemony snickets or some shit tight black pants a sweater that looked like no not a sweater i'm sorry like a sweat

shirt like t-shirt sweat fabric that had um uh like uh it was like terry cloth but it looked like an old like a boyfriend's like a like a hot chick in the 80s would wear the shirt and it would be like off her shoulder and you'd be like a kid you'd be like man that's the first time i ever saw that that's the first time i ever like my dick moved you know she's hot and you'd be like eight you'd be like daddy why do i like that girl and um your dad would be like well you know i don't know girls are really nice to look at sometimes and you'd be like oh and that's how you'd learn it so that's the shirt he had and then um a long like robe like kind of a thing that went down passed over the back of his knees and it was black and it was

furry and but not like crazy furry but like almost like the same material as the boyfriend shirt thing that i was describing or the girl shirt hot chick in the 80s and he had long hair like david getta and beard like david getta and looked like David Guetta. And now that I'm actually talking about it, I think maybe it was David Guetta. Okay. But it wasn't. And because, because this was the part that made me laugh. Like this guy got all done up, put his fucking tight black jeans on his dopey shit boot. Let me need Snicket boots. His hottest fuck hot chick as in the eighties short sleeve, Terry cloth shirt, his fucking Neo robe that had,

by the way, a belt on it that was open. That like was like dragging almost long. David get to fit hair and face and like was the illest guy. Like probably got out of his car and thought like yo i'm in a movie a little bit though and got to the and they were like and he was like yeah i want my fucking coffee ordered it like a dope motherfucker and then the guy was like and what's your name who was the coffee for like can i get a name for the order and he says ralph

like hey that's fucking hilarious that no matter how dope this motherfucker thought he was his parents still named him ralph and that's what he goes by with all the boots and all the extras and all the fucking keychains and fucking robes and whatever the fuck sunglasses he still is Ralph let me tell you something man there's nothing funnier than that there are are things as funny, but that's it. This fucking guy, his parents don't have that, does boots or pants or shirts or whatever. This fucking guy came out of his mom's pussy and his dad was like, looks like a Ralph. And the mom was like, yeah. And grew up to be, in his head, the fucking shit.

You know? He still has to go to Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf and fucking say, Ralph. That's the kind of shit I like. That's that shit I do like. When a guy goes into a coffee bean dressed like Neo and also David get to face and hair and also has lemony snicket boots but then is that's for his name and the coffee and still has to say ralph that's that shit i do like if fucking who is the guy who raps that chief ke Oh, forget it, dude. I'd listen to that song on repeat and never stop. A guy who walks in a coffee bean and tea leaf at 11 a.m. with lemony snicket boots and LMFA yo pants and a robe that looks like me would wear and an 80s hot chick t-shirt on with David Guetta long hair and David Guetta face.

But then when he's asked for a name for his order of his coffee, he still has to say Ralph. Because that's the name that his parents chose. Even though they're nothing like him, that's the shit I do like. Dude, if that was the song, forget it. I'd literally become a DJ so I could play that song on repeat at sky bar all the time i'd be a resident dj at sky bar or soho house so i could play that song all the time do you understand me and i'd put that's that shit i do like and then that's the title of the song if i made the song and then in parentheses i'd call it that whole long thing you know how like rappers actually

rappers don't just do that like any fucking song will do that i love how i love that shit is hilarious when they're like yo this is the song title but but also in parentheses, this is also the song title. You know what I'm talking about? Like, it'll be like, in the mountains, this song is called. And then in parentheses, it'll be called, it'll say, Free Bird. In the mountains. Well, that's a real song, but in the mountains. And then in parentheses, by the lake.

What the fuck is the song about? Just call the song outside. You cover all the bases. In the mountains, in parentheses, by the lake. What the fuck is the song about? Just call the song outside. You cover all the bases. In the mountains. In parentheses. By the lake. Pick a fucking area, asshole. You can't call a song two fucking things. You can't call a song two things.

You call a song one thing. Because it's one song. You got two songs. You call it two things. Make a song called By the Mountain. In the mountains. And make another song called By the Lake. In the mountains or by the lake, that's where our love blossomed. Make two songs.

In the mountains is where we met. And then another song. By the lake is where the love blossomed. You got two songs, dude. You're halfway done with the fucking album. I didn't know what to call it. Didn't know what to call it, so had to put the parenthesis. What is that even supposed to signify?

What is the in parentheses thing? Why put it in the parentheses? I like this title too? Save that title for another fucking thing. You're blowing your wad, dude. You're blowing your wad. You're blowing your wad you're blowing your wad oh man i just immediately imagined like someone hating me listening to this podcast and like wanting to fucking murder me which is like made me like really like fucking like happy and also like but also like also sad i guess uh i guess yeah i guess that's that's uh

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And why do you want people to know when you pay someone else back, right? I don't want people to know that. If you're going to do something shady, then you don't want that. And also, even if you're not shady, I don't want people to know my business, all right? Square Cash also does not require both parties to have uh an app installed which is way better and um it offers deposit it offers instant deposits unlike other the other ones uh so let me ask you guys a question do you guys use myspace still. Well, then don't use anything but Square Cash. Because Square Cash is like using the cool new one.

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You can share money on Snapchat? You can send people money on Snapchat? That was a thing though. At least it was a thing. Wasn't there was a Snapchat cash. That was something Snapchat cash. Hey, I'm going to set. Hey, you know what? I'm going to send you a picture of my dick and four 50. Like what? Hey, you know, Oh, Hey, here's my, Hey, go. yo i'm gonna send you an eight second picture of the inside of my puss and also 35 bucks like weird i look in my app on snapchat and why the fuck well but yo i i see on twitter though a lot of these girls are like sign up for my exclusive count on snapchat to see my pussy and asshole like uh exclusive content they'll be like exclusive content oh really is it a deleted scene nah it's just your pussy

oh dude do i get to see the deleted scenes from fucking trolls the movie or do i get to see your bits and pieces i mean come on oh hey send me money on snapchat imagine being like hey dude you're gonna pay me back yeah here here's here's here's what I owe you. No, no, dude, you know what? Just send it to me on Snapchat when you send a picture with your dick. Send it over when you send the pic of your dick for seven seconds. I remember when Snapchat was like, people were like, you should get Snapchat. And I was like, nah, because I'm not sending pictures of McGrundles to people. And then it became like a legit thing

and then it used like a promoter like dj khaled wasn't showing his fucking sweaty taint another one hey dj khaled can i get send a dude see dj khaled just sent me a picture of his fucking balls really yeah get him to send another one i didn't see it i missed it it was seven seconds do you think he could send another one um yeah but then it became like a real thing and then i fucking would put up my show dates on it and people would come up and they'd be like hey i know you from snapchat and then i was like uh that's weird uh tv doesn't even fucking matter nowadays i've been on fucking tv for five six years people are like hey i know you from uh my buddy bre Brent was saying from undateable, he was saying that he's did a Netflix special and undateable and all this shit. And people recognize him for some fucking YouTube

bullshit. He did the other day. That's hilarious. Really fucking really, really makes you feel weird when that happens, especially cause you know, these YouTube red kids are like, God, these kids are living the life, man. I saw a girl on Instagram like shooting today. And I was like, what the fuck is this idiot shooting? And she has like, you know, millions of followers. And I'm like, what does she do? What does she do? Does she, she doesn't have a job at a bar.

So her job is is she's not a comedian i guess she's a model i guess but then she makes like funny videos but like she and she that she just that's her job like she made that her job and that's amazing um but like shooting today. And I looked at her Snapchat and it was just like awful, like pictures of like dancing and like, like these, like some of these people,

like just like have dope lives. And that's what they sell. And you follow them and you and everyone's basically a kardashian their own version of it there's like a spectrum there's kim k at the fucking 100 end and then at like 90 end there's like the fucking chloe and then at like uh the 80 end 80 there's like the fucking other one i don't even know i just know chloe and kim and then it goes less and less oh i guess kendall probably is higher and then it goes less and less until like you know i'm somewhere on there and then you get like my producer chris who's like

four which is by the way better and then you got zero, the guy that like doesn't have any social media. That's a spectrum now. But yeah, and I'm just like watching this Snapchat because I'm curious. And I'm like, there's like dancing around. There's a party. They're like got sparklers. And it's like 3 p.m. And I'm like, what the fuck is happening? What is this day? You know what day it is? Sunday. It's not a special day. It's just Sunday and she's got sparklers and it's always handsome mixed race dudes around. It's so weird. It's never, never it's like a it's like either like a goofy ass white dude or like handsome dudes that are the same race as the rock and they're just like dancing and they're going that's all they're doing and sparklers and cakes and drinks. And then they're looking at the camera, taking pictures with 40 people by what is this day you're having? What day is this? You know what day

that is bond day. That's what day that is. You're having bond day. It's a new day. It's not a day. It's not fucking Monday. Cause that's when you start work. It's not new day. It's not a day. It's not fucking Monday because that's when you start work. It's not Tuesday because you're in the middle of work. Wednesday is hump day. Thursday, it's almost Friday. Friday is your last work day. Saturday, you get to go out and live your life. Sunday is a relaxing day to get ready for the week.

I didn't describe that day that she was having in any of those days. So that day is bond day. If you're having bond day, congratulations, man, you made it. Bond day is for people who don't have jobs that somehow make money doing things.

And if you light sparklers, if you light fucking sparklers one, one day a week, that's a bond day. If you're light sparklers, if you light fucking sparklers one day a week, that's Bond Day. If you're lighting sparklers, you've achieved Bond Day. B-O-N-D-A-Y. That's when the shit's turned up. That's when the shit, you're wearing booty shorts, or you're a mixed race dude, and you're handsome as shit, and you got a clean as fuck beard or you're a goofy

ass white dude with a neon green shorts on and you're doing this face or you're taking a picture with seven chicks and you're a 10 but they're all eights bond day and you're at a fucking W somewhere and somehow fucking herbal tea is sponsoring you. Hey, stop scrubbing your body with coffee. What the fuck is that? Every other picture is a fucking chick scrubbing her body on with. What do you? I'm going to do that. I want to get real out of shape first, though, and just scrub fucking coffee grinds all over me and then take a picture of me and being like, guys, buy this.

Anyway, my point is, don't send money on Snapchat. That's for showing your dick or promoting your schedule or showing bond day uh b-o-n-d-a-y hashtag it man that's what's up dude you know what for real find these people on instagram this is what i'm asking you find these people on instagram you can tag me so i could see it but then hashtag bond or just hashtag bond day don't even tag me so I could see it. But then hashtag Bond or just hashtag Bond Day. Don't even tag me on it. Just hashtag Bond Day on these people. Find these people on Instagram. They're dudes too, by the way.

They're not just chicks. People have Bond Day. Hashtag B-O-N-D-A-Y. And then later on in the week, I'm going to go look at the hashtag Bond Days. And I'm going to laugh and giggle my fucking 37-year-old white ass off in my house. That's for me, dude. Thanks in advance because I can't wait to see these fucking Bondays, dude. Fuck fucking Bonday, dude.

Fucking Bonday, dude. Bonday, that's a shit I do like do you have sparklers in a place that's a W public and you're in an apartment complex maybe but also you're in booty shorts and you're

hanging out with seven eights and you're a ten and also you're with mixed race dudes that are really handsome, that have clean beards. And a goofy white guy that's skinny with neon green shorts. That's that shit I do like. Spin that song at Sky Bar. I'd become a DJ. I'd become a fucking DJ.

Oh, man. I'd become a fucking DJ. Oh, man. Drinking my coffee. So, I don't know, man. I really fucking went hard on that Bondi rant. And now my back hurts, dude. So, I'm just fucking 37 as shit i can't believe that man you're as old as you know how people are like usually like here's a deal like i got the greatest job man i go on stage and i go literally

like ding ding bing bing bing and i make money and or i have i'll tell like a joke about fucking shoes. And then I make money. And like I do it all around the fucking world. I guess now. I'm going to Australia soon. Going to Australia soon. Again, Australia. See? Again, eh?

And wow. I got to tell you, man. I completely lost my train of thought. Oh, yeah. So that's my job so like i'm young ish because of that but like there's 37 year old dudes that are like 50 you know what i'm talking about dude i saw a guy at the airport the other day and he was getting moving or moving along like at a real slow pace and this guy was older and uh and i was like this guy's older and they and they asked the guy because you know if you're over 75 you don't have to take your shoes off because they think if you're over 75 you can't fucking have lethal shoes i guess and you get to keep your belt on because they think you don't have fucking you

don't have a lethal belt if you're over 75 uh or have a bomb in your buckle um and they said to the guy they were like are you um are you over 75 because if if you are you don't have to take any of the shit off because he's moving real slow and he said no i'm 69 and i was like whoa that guy's my dad's age and my dad is like young he's like like a cool, young, hip motherfucker. Like a motherfucker. You know what I mean? Like he's like Jerry Springer. Like he's fucking walks into a room.

You're like, who's that guy? And he's got a nice hair. He's like George Hamilton. He's got like nice silver hair. And he's just cool. He's got like red shoes. You know? Like Nikes.

He'll wear like a fucking black, like a blazer you know, like Nike's. He'll wear like a fucking black, like a blazer and pants and a button down and like red Nike Air Max. Swag. My dad's 69. Swag. Nobody would ever be like, are you over 75 because you need to – and this guy had on like cargo pants, a shirt, a fucking – and was hunched over, like didn't know where he was. You could ask him where he was. He might be like the grocery store and you're like, no, you're in Terminal 6.

And he was 69. He was my dad's age. My point is I'm 37 and I think people people are like you know because of what i do i don't have fucking kids and i'm not like ceo of crate and barrel or work at you know i don't know i'm not like a manager at like a grocery store that like people like kind of forgive and like let you do things like, like fucking that David get to guy. I was talking about the coffee bean. He was my age,

but he was like, he had like cool David get to face and obviously didn't have a real job. Like I did, like me, like we both have probably the same, like he was probably a DJ or some shit. And, uh, but like you you you forgive it because of what you subscribed to in your life and that's crazy because it's all mental really your mental space and then other people's too because they believe what you believe.

Right? But you just succumb to the lifestyle of having two, three kids at 37. You wear that blue button down and the khaki pants and the dockers and the fucking Doc Martens or the shoes, the boat shoes with no socks. And you're just that guy. I don't know. I don't know if what I'm saying is the right thing, but you guys know what the fuck I'm talking about. My fucking

babies. Delievers. You know what i'm talking about delivers um i must i want by the way this is a cult in no fucking way is this a podcast it's a cult all right i'm gonna get a fucking tent and we're gonna go somewhere one day and we're gonna talk about all this shit. And you're going to believe it. We're going to have posters and signs and shit you do you don't do. Dude, my utopia. We're going to be somewhere in Salt Lake City or outside like Provo or some shit. One time I took a road trip with my friend up to Provo. I literally have no fucking idea why I was going up there. I was going to Provo, Utah with my buddy Trenton and Gavin two buddies Trenton and Gavin even though those guys even

though it sounds like those guys would just be characters in books like novels I actually have two buddies named Trenton and Gavin and I was taking a road trip with him. And it wasn't a symbolic novel. And we went to Provo. And I made a joke where I said, literally this. Well, that's the whole point of the joke. I said, I don't want to go to. I said, I'm so glad you guys are coming to with me on this road trip. Because I don't want to. It would be really cheesy if I went to Provo alone. And it's so bad.

But we laughed hard, and Trenton laughed so hard that he cried. Provo alone. Provo alone is cheese for the fucking dingbats out there. dingbats out there. Those are the kind of jokes you make fucking eight hours into a road trip. Thanks. My producer just went road trip

and I don't even I don't even know. What's up? You're as old as you fucking put out there i guess is what i'm trying to say all right i'm gonna check the hashtags babies um i'm gonna look at some of these hashtags for some of you guys i know you're trying to game the system because you're trying to fucking do it late in the game and do hashtag congratulations pod on monday and because you took the guy's advice i forget what his name was but uh he definitely definitely learned how to game the system it's way too we all learned

honestly that day a few episodes ago that it's way too easy to game the system and that i really need to look back on the hashtags because gaming the system honestly is probably the end the end of podcasting as we know it so it's really a scary thing and i'm glad that guy told me about gaming this how easy and flawed my hashtag questioning was because of how easy it was to game the system. Sometimes I think about that during the week and I laugh at that guy. So thank you, that guy. Congratulations, Pod. Hashtags.

Do you use, this is from Doug, at cap and stab in 82, change it. Now that boy, if I ever heard it, change it. There it is. Cap and stab in 82, change it. Nonetheless, here's his question, Doug. Do you use music, Chris, Chris, at Chris Lee, do you use music to get you hyped before a show if so what music gaming the system he writes no i don't i don't use music i don't listen to music to get hype i'd rather just i'd actually might what i'd like to do what i like to do before i go on stage is be in a conversation i like to be in a conversation with somebody that i'm just fucking with and we're making fun of each other or something then i'll be like gotta go on a show

and then i go on i take that energy on stage. That's what I like to do, but it doesn't always happen. And usually conversations that I'm in before I go on stage are not the kind of conversation I want to be in because it's like somebody telling me about a microphone or what the, or there's a clocks on stage. I'm like, yeah, cool. I'll get it. Hey, by the way, why did 40 people tag me in my group project is to get your attention on twitter this is for a greater good i had like so many people tag me in that i don't know what that means but you got my attention now and also stop tweeting it um uh this is from j keith at jordan j keith

good there you go hey everyone learn a lesson from Jordan Keith. Pick your fucking name close to your handle so you don't have to change it. Who's your favorite comedian? Congratulations, pod. You know, I don't know if I could pick a favorite comedian, but I have guys I like to listen to, and I'm sure I'm leaving some out if I talk about this. So I don't want others to get, not that they listen to this, but to get offended. Actually, you know what I'm going to do?

Instead of naming the guys who are at the top of the game right now, I'm going to name the guys who I think more people should know. Brody Stevens is hilarious. He's like a fucking loose cannon on stage and just really funny. Brian Callen, a lot of you guys, if you're 10-minute podcast fans, which is the podcast I used to do a long time ago with Brian Callen, he's great. Mike Costa is great. Really funny guy. Fahim Anwar, hilarious. All those guys you got to check out. I probably follow them all on

Twitter. You should too. Those guys are all really funny comedians. Now, obviously, I'm leaving out the fucking guys at the top of the game, fucking, you know, Louis CK, Dave Chappelle, Bill Burr, all those guys. But I'm talking about guys that I think you should show some love. love um here's another a question nicholas andrew at by nicholas underscore a good enough good enough name there you go close enough crystalia have you ever had a threatening situation after kicking someone out of a show congratulations pod gaming the system um i uh i never i've had guys threaten me, but only from the audience. And then they got kicked out like, fuck you. And I've had people get in fights with themselves, like other people fought in the audience.

And I'm sitting there and watching it now mediating it. All of a sudden I'm Joe Rogan in the fucking UFC announcing it. But no, I've never had a threatening thing happen. I mean, somebody's been like, I'm going to fuck you up or whatever. But like not like almost where it like it was about to happen or I was in front of it's always like I'm on stage and he's in the audience. And I'm super happy that that's never happened because I wouldn't want to get into a fight. What's your relationship? This is one.

What's your relationship with? Sorry, I missed it. What the fuck happened? Where'd it go? What's your relationship? This is by aj mcdougall aj underscore at aj underscore mcdougs all right fine chris leo what's your relationship with will sasso and brian callen like post 10 minute podcast ps trying to game the system so

hard man you guys are really running this fucking gaming this system thing uh into the ground and i love it keep doing it uh they're my best friends they're two of my best friends they're great i just saw him the other day i see brian all the time because he does stand up and i saw will the other day because he came out and it was really fucking good to see will um they're great guys and fucking i literally love them um let's see what else we got oh this is a good question by joe underscore books and his name is joe books at crystalia do you think you'll be bringing back your snapchat characters i miss ivan and phil uh you know i yeah i guess so i don't know honestly i i love uh i loved doing

that but i get like bored as shit but i'll probably do it at some point again i just uh like to do um i like to do uh i like to do what i want to do and i don't want to do it and then once sometimes like people say like hey dude do uh do this then i like start to lose interest in it because i don't like when people tell me what to do. I think it's a deeper issues. Um, Oh God, here come Chad Saban at Chad Saban. Have you ever told a joke during a set that bombed?

If so, what was it, bro? I mean, literally every comedian has bombed fucking 14 million times. So, um, but well, not literally 14 million times,

by the way, update on Leo. A lot of you guys wanted to talk about, you know, you guys like Leo. And he's the French guy. That Saz bro. Sazier. You know that guy? I texted him.

I told you, and he never texted back. And then he texted me back. Like five days later. Sorry, and he never texted back. And then he texted me back. Like, five days later. Sorry, dude, can't go. I have to leave country for the weekend, and the ID thing is annoying, but working. No, but next week, I, huh? I-T-E, huh? All right, then right away afterwards.

Seven, no, sorry, seven minutes later. I'll just see next week and dude i checked some vids comics are good invite not invite mark normand hell's funny also what is funny hey what i'll just see next week and dude i checked some vids comics are good invite mark normand hell's funny also what is funny mark normand is fucking funny but why is he saying what is funny then he writes oh okay dude see ya then he writes six minutes later he sends me an H just the letter H then two minutes later he writes K space D D E

did this guy get run over by a truck? I mean, it was so funny, dude. This guy. Leo. I followed him on Instagram and some of you guys caught to it and then fucking went on his Instagram and went, Sazia.

What a bunch of fucking dicks, you know? All right. Well, you know what? We're wrapping up. Thanks for listening. And remember to check out my upcoming show dates, which is on my website, chrystalia.com. I will be in Australia. If you're listening from the land down under, check my website for that.

But I got West Palm Beach. I got a bunch of shit coming up. Baltimore, you know, all these fucking places that I haven't been yet. And you can also remember to tweet me at hashtag congratulations pod. And if you're going to try and game the system, then do that there. And ask me questions. I always hit those at the end of my show. And please, I'm asking you, rate and review the show because it really helps me and it

helps the podcast. It helps the life of the podcast. It makes me want to keep doing the podcast. And that would be really helpful if you rated it and you gave us five stars or however many. It was the most stars. I don't know. And I don't know. And we are now on Stitcher.

A lot of you guys are asking, when are you going to get on Stitcher? Well, we're on it. So go ahead and check it out if you'd like. And if not, get fucked yourself or just listen to it the way you've been listening to it on YouTube or iTunes or whatever the fuck you want. All right. And please remember for Blue Apron to check out this week's menu and get your first three free meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash congrats. And don't forget to download the free Square Cash app for iOS or Android now. Thanks, guys.

See you later, my babies.