Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 100. The Church of Kay (with Matt D'Elia)

Episode Date: December 24, 2018

Episode 100! The centennial! Christmas Eve! Please welcome our first guest, Matt D'Elia. On today's show, Chris and Matt discuss family. Also discussed: a special life philosophy, Donald Trump, Jim Carrey, fashion, and Keith Hernandez. Matt joins in on Missed Connections, plus brings a couple surprises to the show. A heartfelt thank you to all the fans for your love and support. We love you. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I'm Irish. So look, we are a little bit Irish. So it's episode 100 of Congratulations. So it's episode 100 of Congratulations. And so far, for 99 episodes, I've been doing it solo. And I've been rolling on my dolo, as rappers would say. However, episode 100, I thought of doing something special. Also, it's going to be Christmas tomorrow.

So I thought maybe we'll do something special and we'll get a guest. Now, I tried to get Jean-Claude Van Damme. Heme he said no obviously because there's no upside for him to do this this podcast so my second uh option even though i probably would have wanted steven seagal or anybody like that fucking insulting no not insulting because you don't know any martial arts but i did bring i did ask my brother and my brother's name is matt deliaElia. A lot of you guys know him. A lot of you guys, you know, know I have a brother. This is the one I talk about. I talk about, you know, a lot of you guys like when I talk about, you know, my family, I've noticed, which I didn't know that was going to be a thing on this podcast because, you know, getting personal is always a

little bit weird, especially when you're just sitting down talking about anything. And now there's a hundred hours of that out there. And i'm sure i said something incriminating and stuff that my family would hate me for but definitely my brother is here matt delia so welcome matt delia and the one rule is he just kicked my foot that's not going to be happening this room no that's yeah i waited for you to sound like you were finally finishing because i've actually been listening to some of some of your podcasts all of it? No, not all of it Definitely not all of it Because every time I do listen

I think, oh, I fucking definitely heard that before Okay, right I say a lot of the things I say in real life first No, you say the same things a lot, really But basically what I realize is I'm going to be the first guest Yeah It's going to be my podcast

For now For now When I was listening, I was realizing I should have been the cohost from the very, very, very beginning. You actually might be right about that. Uh,

okay. Well that definitely. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, you might be right about that cause I think before,

but here's the other thing. I think that, um, it's, it's too much. Uh, we sound the same. So I think that you're going to have to watch the video podcast of this to see

who the fuck is talking. Cause I think a lot of people say you sound like me and i sound like you but you sound like me because i was first right timeline wise no i actually i honestly don't even think we sound that much alike really yeah we do we do we do yeah you're saying we do yeah yeah we do but we don't sound that much alike we sound obviously alike but i don't see how people actually like mom actually gets confused yeah mom never mom only go what do you think the percentage is by the way of mom calls me you first or she calls you me first like she goes like this she'll be like matthew well no it's for me it's bickram matt bickram for for Bill? Matt. Yeah, Bill Chris Matt. Bikramat.

You can buy a Bikramat for yoga, by the way. I think she's just trying to sell me something. Bikramat? $9.99? That's expensive probably for that. So wait. So no, I would say she probably does it 85%. Honestly.

I think she probably... I don't know what that is, though. Here, here, here. When she says Matt I'm surprised Yeah Yeah That's how much

She doesn't say Matt It's annoying And just get your ducks in a row mom Do you know what I mean But so anyway dude This is my podcast This is our podcast right now But like

I don't really Have an agenda And I don't really like Have a checklist thing That I go by because it's not as fun. It's more fun to just kind of wing it most of the time. Sometimes I have like bullet points and shit, but I don't this time because I figured if I love blaming stuff on other people, as you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So if this doesn't go well, it's your fault.

All right. Yeah, that's all good. All right. Well, I already. But wait, let's talk about the fucking babies thing because we've been doing we've been talking doing that forever yeah okay yeah like hello my babies like we'll do that right right and so i did that once or twice on the podcast and it like took this is one of the reasons why i wanted you on the on the thing because

we talk about the fan i talk about the family people seem to like it a lot but uh yeah this is that's one of those things that i let the the audience kind of decide that that was going to be a thing. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, yeah. Okay. Well, you're a real man of the fucking audience. You got to listen to your audience.

You got to listen to your audience because they will tell you what they like because you only own 50% of what you put out there because the audience owns the other 50% and then they let you know what it is and you can't be a dictator. Okay. But the truth is – Yeah. And that is the truth. And you probably agree with this. You would fucking just do whatever you were going to do anyway. Yeah, that's true. You were going to talk about our family.

And then you were like, they like when I talk about the family. So you think. And then you were like, oh, that fits. I'm going to fucking talk about the family anyway. Because you're never not going to do the thing you were already going to do. That's true. I do like to talk about the family. And if I wanted to do that, I would do that.

You would just do it. Yeah. I'm a dick. I'm a dick. You're saying I am like a dictator. Yeah. Actually. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The family thing, though, I think that with our family, like when an outsider comes in, they're usually fucking shocked. Yeah.

The first time they're around all of us yeah because they they've never been in a situation where they like they can't get a word yeah we talk too much they can't say a word i think they even want to i think that yeah well and yeah well also like my you know dad and mom talk so much that they talk so much and then they created us. So now we are beyond that. So they fucked up on making us and now we're blabber bots. We won't stop. You're really annoying.

It's like a whole family of Vince Vaughns. But also, I feel like people, because when we moved out to L.A., people – there's a whole thing on the East Coast. When you call somebody an asshole, it's not – you don't mean they're a piece of shit. You know what I mean? Yeah. But in L.A., when you call somebody an asshole, they get offended. Yeah. And that's weird to me.

Yeah. But I had to learn that you're fucking making somebody feel bad sometimes. Yeah, yeah. And then I also – and then on top of that, I had to not give a fuck and still do still do it right because i'm a bad guy you're you are a bad guy but i have a good heart but i have a good heart no you know what i was thinking about this is funny i was listening you were you were saying something you were saying something about donald trump the other day and i realized that you're fucking basically donald trump you're saying he's tall no what not the height he is tall okay you can't disagree with that don't disagree with that got it so that's one that we're like

okay and you're saying i'm tall yeah no but you just say fucking anything and then are like that's the best thing to say yeah okay you fucking say anything on your fucking podcast or in real life but especially on the podcast yeah and you are like fucking that's the thing that i said yeah so it's the thing that is right to say i stand by it yeah yeah okay no yeah okay yeah that's what you're fucking Donald Trump then. Well, but I'm, but here's the thing though. The difference between me and Donald Trump is I'm doing it and it's comedy and he's doing it and he's president. Okay.

It's still really fucking funny when he does it. It is really funny, dude. I got to give him that. I actually took that. I actually stopped thinking about how I, whose fucking phone is that? My phone? Worst guest of all time. Fuck.

Yeah, dude. That's what you get. I saw you on fucking Brian Collins podcast fucking texting and shit. That's what you get. I was texting you, by the way. Okay. Well, now I feel bad. Yeah.

Okay. So, what was that about Donald Trump? So, I'm... Yeah, it's not... It is... I took myself... I was watching Donald Trump say something really silly. And I laughed. And I thought, wow, if you don't think about how fucked up everything is in the country and whether or not you fucking support Donald Trump or, you know, whatever that even taking that out of anything.

If you don't realize all the fucked up shit going on in the world, if you don't think about that and you just look at him, he's funny. I would go further what and say i'm a dragon i would say i would say that even when you maybe especially when you're thinking if you're in the right mindset especially when you're thinking about how fucked up the world is well that's true how many fucking fucked things you could be talking about. Right, right. And he's saying smocking gun. Right, right, right. So that is fucking funny. Twice, by the way, smocking gun.

Look, you can hate Donald Trump all you want or fucking love him. It doesn't really matter. That's fucking funny as fuck to do that. i sorry you know yeah well no not but not sorry though i mean well i guess sorry yeah yeah i mean even if you hate him you have to say that is funny yeah and i hate him you you can do both yeah it's actually very disconcerting for me when people are unable to do both of those things yeah it's you're trying to not enjoy life. It's one of those things, yeah, well, as most people do, but it's one of those things where you think it's funny if you don't think about the world being fucked up.

But then when you think about how fucked up the world is, it's even funnier. But that's one of those things where when I say something, yeah, and I think, okay, I'm in a little bit of hot water because I said it, but if i stand behind it and say it with more conviction then more people will believe it people like to follow my baby okay hang on fucking donald trump i mean you're making a point i see what you're saying wrong yeah okay you're no i know and that's fucking cool i honestly didn't know donald

trump was my brother i'm like no i'm my brother I'm the No I'm the good I'm the good I'm the good We're both tall And I'm the good Donald Trump Okay And that's that And that's what you're saying

Obviously Right right right right right So Yeah And thank you You're welcome man I want you to figure out If you want that zipped up

Or not zipped up And then we're gonna I want you to figure out Why it's this temperature Is it hot In this fucking room Well you have a fucking Two layers but it's going back and forth it's cold and then hot no it's not what happens is you probably have hiv or something and you're you're dressed like fucking tom hanks in philadelphia dude no i'll tell you something about okay go ahead go

ahead finish fucking roasting me and then no no i'm not roasting you but you know a little bit you're dressed like tom hanks in philadelphia and that's fine you just don't have the fucking now one fire is pointing at the fan that's already on. Yeah, thank you. And that's why he's One Fire, because it's already on. Good producer. It's already on. Good producer.

It's already on. We have one of those fucking silent Dyson German fans. It just has a hole in it. That's not a fucking fan. It is a fan. It's a fucking thing with a big hole. Yeah. It's like a...

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I feel it. Okay, so there you go. Yeah. Okay. I don't even know it's not going up or down. Oh, I put the timer on. That's why. I can put it to five. there you go yeah okay i don't even know it's not going up or down oh i put the timer on that's why i can put it to five there we go it's on five now why does

the zipper bother you no no it doesn't because you could just hear it on the podcast and that's fine because then they know what i'm talking about but uh it's best to show up to the fucking thing how you're going to be and then just that's how you're going to be yeah on my podcast which this now is it's not the rule anymore okay okay uh oh oh one part was saying make it oscillate is what i meant that's a that's a really good idea fucking so wanted to say i didn't know yeah learned learned the word oscillator yeah uh so what do i do hit this fucking thing with the arrows or what or auto fuck this fan dude what do you think oscillate is there there else i got i know how to do i got i got it all right there we go it's oscillating i'm a engineer fucking

look oh now it's going to fucking one fire oh that's why i wanted it he wanted to hit that button yeah okay there we go it's also do you feel that yeah okay good so um so what so what so those are actually really cool socks thank you yeah you Yeah. You know me. I'm Mr. Sock Guy. Yeah, no, I like these socks. You're not really into fashion so much, huh? No. I mean, you definitely have your style, which is awesome. You have a good style.

Thank you. And it's definitely you. Yeah. And you know what? You dress like somebody that would be in the Jughead comics. You do. The cool guy that gets the girls. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. But Jughead would be like,

how come I can't get the girl from him? And that's how you dress. Okay. Well, I basically do... I wouldn't say I wear the same thing every day, but I do basically. Yeah. I wear...

I never wear anything but corduroy pants. Yeah, that's fucking weird. Wasn't finished. Wasn't finished. Okay. All right. Wasn't finished. And I also like... I'd like to, I'd like to win my, at least two things are the same color

on my body. Okay. So yeah, that's super fucking Uncle Vinny. It's terrible. It's honestly fucking terrible. Yeah. I don't like it. I don't like it.

I used to do a lot more shit like that. Now I put all that fucking crazy person energy only into this. You know what's cool is for sure. There's only two of us siblings here. My mom and my dad had two of us. I, I, they rang all the OCD out on me.

And then there was like the little quirk left that was left over. That's what you got. And you're just like, which is, which is better because you know, you're crazy in your own way, but not OCD wise. No.

Yeah. But you're like, okay, so you're, this is how far you go. You're like, I like to wear two of theCD wise. No. Yeah. But you're like, okay, so you're, this is how far you go. You're like, I like to wear two of the same colors. Right.

That's it. It's not OCD. I draw the line there. Right. I draw the line. I have, I have other shit, the other manifestation of the similar thing,

which is severe anxiety issues. Right. Yeah. But the OCD, no, I don't like fucking do the, like, so,

but so you do, so you have, you're a, you, but you also, this is something that, cause like, I, I feel like you're like, you feel bad about, um, like you feel deeply bad. So this is something I admire about you. Sorry.

What? Sorry. Oh, about the zipper. You feel deeply bad about hurting people's feelings like deeply i feel like you're like hyper fucking feel badly about that yeah that's true yeah i'm very uh yeah i'm very empathic whether i like it or not am i like that absolutely not yeah no i got all that i got all that so i didn't start the ocd shit yeah you know what actually this is interesting i actually wanted this is this is the one thing I wanted to talk about Really?

Yeah Because it's Christmas Yeah It's a fucking Scary world out there We're all going to see Our fucking families That can be very dreadful It can be scary

And You know if you're like me Very empathic You're even feeling bad Even if you feel good And then somebody comes up And they're in a bad mood You're like

Oh fuck Now I'm in a bad You fall off a building Oh fuck Yeah And then you feel good and then somebody comes up and they're in a bad mood you're like oh now you fall off a building yeah and then you feel bad because someone else felt bad that's not a good way to live your life right so i have a lot of experience with feeling really bad right okay so so i have a lot of experience feeling really bad i figured out how to never feel bad oh do you know no but i think you're wrong already no i think you might even agree to be honest okay this is like some real shit this is real this is it's real okay so uh one thing you can tell about something that's going to be real is if somebody says this is real no but i i preface it like that because I fucking know. Okay.

Right when I say it, people are going to think I'm not serious. Okay. Like imagine the fucking first fucking guy that was like. Yeah, rub two woods together and it's fire. Well, you could just demonstrate that. Right, I know. But you say that and the guy's like, no, you can't. And the guy doesn't. Well, I mean, they're not talking because they're like.

Let me make my metaphor though. They're cavemen, but yeah. True, true, true, true, true. Okay. So, but it's like the first guy that was like um when you come in a girl that makes a baby well no you can just demonstrate that okay someone was like this guy died you know the g like the christianity you'd be like you're a fucking crazy guy right so but then some people now look around the world hey man look around the world right a lot of churches right yeah somebody

believed it right and so it must have fucking worked for somebody, right? Okay. I'm not religious. That's not why I bring that up. But we should start a church. I do. Well, yeah. And this could be its foundational fucking tenet. Okay.

This is fucking real shit. Okay. This is for any time you might feel bad. Someone makes you feel bad all throughout every day. It's bad shit. You look at the news, bad shit. You think about your feelings, bad shit. You think about what people think of you, bad shit. Only bad shit always, only all the time bad shit You look at the news Bad shit You think about your feelings Bad shit You think about what people think of you

Bad shit Only bad shit always Only all the time bad shit Right? Sometimes it's like okay Right? Rarely is it fucking great I can make it great

Well if you're coming Right Yeah no that's rare though It's like fucking Seven seconds of coming Versus 23 hours And 59 minutes

Of not coming And fucking 47 seconds That's a good amount And I wasn't even right actually we got it wrong uh okay and anyway so okay it's actually you so in any situation like this it's sort of like all purpose right you let's do it as an example first say i'm wondering if it's taking you too goddamn long to say i know it is that's part of how do you make how you make sure people know you're fucking serious.

That's true. That's true. That's true. I guess that's a good point. Have you ever listened to anybody serious talk? Yeah. This is how it goes. You listen to NPR and it's 33 minutes before they make a point.

True. Right. Is it true that monkeys, you know what I mean? And you're like, oh. Yeah, I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can take a break in the middle and just fucking pick back up at the end. But you can't do that now because all of it matters.

Okay. So say something that I won't like. Okay. But hold on. You have to say it. I have to actually, you have to know I'm not going to like it. So hold on before you do it. Because you know me very well.

You can say something about me that you know I won't like. It has to be something you know I won't like. In real life or just made up? You got to say something. It doesn't have to be about me. Yeah, I got you. You can remind me of something I don't like. Oh, okay.

You can fucking whatever. So hold on. I'm going to, I'm going to, you're going to you're gonna say it yeah i'm gonna say the way you respond and then no matter what it is you don't feel bad anymore you're gonna say okay that's okay okay yeah doesn't it suck that everyone you know is gonna be dead it can't be a question oh okay hey everyone you know is gonna be dead one day okay So Yes That was a terrible thing to say Every fucking person I've ever known Yeah

Is gonna die K K K-A-Y Like O-K Yeah but no No but that's the word you're not just saying I'm like poaching from that area of words okay okay yeah but here's the thing you

could say it in a different way too right say something like all right okay so i got one so uh yeah the fucking um it sucks uh my my house was in the malibu fires and it burned down k yeah that's uh i mean i would i love that see oh okay so i love that two for two no here's the thing though for real though you could do it about anything you're you're fucking at christmas and right your mom is like fucking needling you how come you don't yeah you don't have a girl and i think that it's good you're getting it's getting you're getting too old and you're not going to be able to be a good dad you're gonna be too old to be a dad. K. Fair enough. Right?

Like you could say it. Right. You could say other words with K. Okay. But then the mom might be like, what do you mean? No, you don't. It's not for her. Yeah.

Oh. Say the shitty mom thing. So you feel better when you do that. Oh, it's for you. Yeah, yeah. It's freeing. I get it. Who cares about other people? I get it.

Who cares? Well, you do. That's the whole fucking point. K. Not if you say K, right? Okay. So that's the thing, right? I used to fucking brood all day, dude.

Yeah. This is serious. Talk to anybody I know. Fucking Juan Fire knows. Anybody in my fucking life that knows me well enough is in my life for the last eight months and knows what happened. Yeah. And that's what happened.

K? Yeah. I really like that. Yeah. It'll work. Honestly, everyone's going to be like either ha ha or what is he talking about? Just honestly, please try it. Please try it.

You're going to be with your family anyway. Well, I'll tell you what, you're going to get a bunch of fucking tweets now about it. Yeah, it's good. And probably do some videos. And I will say it's probably has something. It's probably like the darn brown thing. Yeah. Well, it could be.

You're interrupting something that's very like a handshake. And you just go, okay. And they're like, what? And they fall asleep. It also does it to your own brain, though. You can surprise yourself if you do it enough you you bury it in the fucking cerebellum part of the brain i'm a scientist i'm a scientist i know okay so you bury it in the cerebellum so it's just automatic yeah okay okay yeah right right right

right right right so it's sort of like it's freeing it's it is it definitely is freeing it's going to put meditation out of business. Okay. Yeah. Wow. Because you don't need it anymore. I agree. It does the same thing.

I agree. It does do the same thing. It might not do it as well, but maybe if you get a sort of like on a roll with it, it could be the kind of a thing like the Church of K. Right. Yeah, exactly. I just think people need to do it and learn. It's not like you can really explain it i showed you all but it's not the same until you really do it i i think that we should do

that i'm gonna start doing that yeah yeah yeah you know i know you've been saying k a lot in text chains and stuff like that it's yeah i'm really i'm evangelizing that's very cool that's very cool that's it's very cocked to do it that way, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But sometimes... If somebody was like, oh, my mom just died. K. Yeah, that's so rude.

But it's freeing. But it is freeing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, if you're going to get into a... Like, somebody's fucking with you. Yeah. You want to fucking fuck? Yeah.

Fucking fuck. K. Yeah. Not going to happen. Right, right. K. That is true. No way.

You know what? Darren Brown was saying that one time he was going to get in Right, right. Kay, go away. That is true. You know what? Darren Brown was saying that one time he was going to get in a fight, and the guy was like, you want to fucking fight? And he said something like, yeah, I think the wall around my house is about four feet tall, but it might not be. Yeah, I saw him say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm very similar to Darren Brown.

Yeah, well, you, yeah, okay, sure. How about this, Kay? k yeah how do you feel uh oh yeah i feel good because you know maybe i didn't agree with you even i just said k it was freeing it was a freeing thing yeah it's for you man wow it doesn't matter if i even hear it wow dude and and but so then how do you feel about how we look oh nice fucking segue but because i'm looking at the monitor and i think i look fucking like pretty like good in this and i think that you maybe look like uh like the hair like the like me but i did heroin for a long time yeah i think i think i agree with that but you look healthy it looks like you do heroin but also eat fruit okay there you go yeah wow feel good

yeah it also would make me mad if somebody kept doing it maybe you have to do it sparingly or no or it's just for you you do it quiet it makes me less a little less mad if the microphone wasn't here you wouldn't even fucking i know it be for you so you could do it under your breath but so so we both agree what like i'm like i look like you if i if we put them if you put the mask on we put them, if you put the mask on, if Jim Carrey, you put the mask on. Like if I go smoking, they go like,

oh, that's Matt D'Elia with the mask on. Like if I put on a yellow suit and, and, and also your fucking socks, they'd be like, whoa, Matt's fucking,

you know what I'm saying? What was the fucking, what was that song from the fucking mask? Cuban Pete. Oh, wow. Yeah. So fast with it.

Yeah. They call me Cubanan pete i'm the king of the rumba beat in a minute chick chicky boom chick chicky boom chick chicky boom dude let me tell you something dude that fucking how goddamn funny is jim carrey he's definitely extremely underrated well he's so popular but that's not enough okay he puts me on the floor he's so fucking funny that it's bullshit yeah he is because there's layers right like there's the subtle funny that's very hard to do because you have to be subtle enough and not go overboard if you're totally doing something subtle yeah right yeah then there's the silly kind of shit that like i don't know if you're a fan of like you know certain people like uh

will ferrell or ryan reynolds or whoever they do silly movies and they do the stuff they fall on the floor or whatever yeah that's hard as well yes but then there's the Jim Carrey shit, which is so... If he did it a hair off, it would just be obnoxious. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. But he does it wholeheartedly. He puts all of himself into it. But also he has the talent and he's on that wavelength.

It is brave. I hate when people say this shit, but it's just, it's just the ultimate maximum level of funny. And if anybody fucking disagrees with me, I go like this. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Because now we're talking, I mean, he's the, for me, I mean, obviously he already is all the, all the things that a funny person.

Yeah. He's the most committed human being. Yeah. A human being. That's true. Even with everything. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, obviously, he already is all the things that a funny person used to be. He's the most committed human being. Yeah. Like, a human being can be. That's true, even with everything. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you see him on a talk show.

He's, like, fucking... I know. Standing on the chair in two seconds. I love that. Yeah. And I remember when we were younger, Mom used to be like... Because I used to love Jim Carrey. Or, I mean, I do love Jim Carrey.

But my mom would be like... She knew I was such a big fan of Jim Carrey. And then we would see like him on late night tv but because we would watch like the fucking interviews and shit or whatever the fuck that we would see somebody else on late night that was like the cool guy funny like uh more like charismatic funny like like uh i don't i don't know charismatic you talking about me no it wasn't you because you were fucking six and you weren't on letterman i tuned out a bit but i heard so let me hear you something did you poop your pants so what's going on in your life i did poopy so um so

so she would say uh see you know chris you don't always have to do all that crazy stuff you can just be it's much funnier to just be like that yeah about non jim carrey yeah i mean she liked jim carrey but like but what's weird too is that mom's favorite fucking comedian you know who it is right oh actually i do yeah sinbad yes yeah yeah she loves sinbad and sinbad is also one of the fuck he is so funny he's fucking really funny yeah so uh so oh by the way i saw sinbad on a flight once and he goes like he's like what's up chris and i was like oh what's up i was just happy that he even knew who i was and he had a fucking leopard print kerchief with him where was it on the plane no where was the kerchief where was he carrying it was all on the plane but like yeah i'm kidding he had it on his

knee just wait just like he's doing a fucking magic trick yeah wow hey chris what's going on you want to be like and fucking we're there already dude he it was so amazing that he had that oh dude and that's the story sinbad that's it the pirate or him yeah okay worst that right there was the worst five seconds of any podcast i've ever seen in my life um yeah sorry i just saw words and i got distracted now i'm reading them it's okay a barracuda a fucking barracuda okay let's do some ads here and you're gonna fucking sit through it like a fucking good brother okay okay there you go wow that one's so it's so obnoxious actually uh okay look i got two fucking ads

because it's Christmas and you're going to sit through them and you're a baby and if you're a baby and you listen to it, you're not going to fucking rewind. You're not going to fast forward through it, okay? I know that sometimes

you hit the fast forward button. You're not going to do that. It's Christmas. I'm doing two of them so you're going to listen to them and that's it. Okay. Hey, man.

What? Don't fuck with me. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don. What? No. I like this song. Turn it lower for sure. Okay. I like this song Turn it lower for sure Okay You just have That's violent It's very violent It's very violent

I forgot about it So I had to fucking make use of it Yeah You forgot about it Because the fucking The conversation we have Is so riveting Right?

So insecure Yeah But it's so riveting But still it yeah but it's so rhythm but still it doesn't compare to speaking to the that's awesome dude okay you want more what is that scarface i like that yeah that was Scarface. Okay. Can we talk about how you are as a host? Yeah. Okay.

Fucking bad. No. Yeah, because... Absolutely not. I texted you... How about this? Okay. Yeah, no, that's exactly right.

Then why am I a bad host? I texted you a couple days ago. Okay. How do you want to do this? Yeah. No response. Yeah. There's never been a guest.

Do you have any ideas? No. What you want to do? I texted you that and you responded. I'll think. Nothing. I said, I said,

let me know. I'm down for whatever you said. Okay. Right. Two letters. And we're good. And we're good. Hey,

one fire. It's fine. Dude, how fucking... Now that he has the fucking controls, he's like, you know, fucking with it and shit. Dude, I... Here's the thing, man. When you find out what you want to do in your life, you just do it. You do it.

You don't do any extra shit. People do all this extra fucking shit dude i'm just smooth sailing i'm down for a silly goose time and that's it what i don't want to do is print some shit out yeah that's what i don't want to do yeah yeah yeah yeah so what other shit did they do though what besides print shit out you're saying like what extra shit yeah oh um yeah well print shit out to the main one. All right. Like an environmental thing or you just like don't fuck it? No, no, no.

Like you're just like – like anytime anybody makes a list with one of those fucking dots on it and then what to do and then another dot and then what to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get the fuck out of town, dude. Get far out of town. Put a vest with a bunch of pockets on and you know the rest. Okay, Donald Trump. I mean it just fits. Put a vest with a bunch of pockets on it

and you know the rest. There we go. Okay, I thought it was going to stop, but it didn't. And I'm mad. And I'm mad. It's all good, but I'm mad. Did you do that with big cotton balls

stuffed in your nose? What? Because you sound so fucking nasal. I was sick when I did that one. Yeah, and there we go. He knows his brother and he knows his brother, babies. And it's fine.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Malfunctioning. So what do you think of hip hop?

Oh my God. Uh, well, I used to love hip hop. I know now I don't love hip hop. How come? I don't know what's happening. Yeah.

Ever. I know. What is happening? Well, I don't know. How about how come i don't know what's happening yeah ever i know what is happening well i don't know how about that dude well i don't get it well it's fine and some of it's good but i feel myself like having to fucking like it having to pretend to like it because it's what's in like you know what i was i was watching i was watching the eminem and it was like he just does the thing that he does and he's been doing it for so long and hip-hop has definitely changed but it's like what it's changing into is not something i like but that's what happens with every fucking generation yes now that i'm 38 and you're fucking you're 21

22 yeah i just turned 22 um yeah it just fucking he's not out there just so because there's some idiots won't realize that we're joking but um yeah no i'm not 22 uh yeah what i just feel old like but that doesn't just happen with hip-hop though fucking it happens with everything oh cool no but really i feel like that would so many things i feel 30 years older than really because shit's just it's going everything's going way too fast right now yeah well people people are probably getting older quicker because of that they're going because of the exponential shit with the technology and all that nice you know what i mean yeah but i'm fucking smart you know i say stuff like that and i shut it down no i don't know if you're smart well honestly when people ask me about what i'm like

in regards to you i say i'm like you but smart no do you say you fucking are the string bean version of me no that only wears that would be true the way. And it would be gay if I said it, but I don't say it. Also, it's so weird you don't wear jeans, bro. Don't like jeans. Why? Don't like to have them

fucking touching my legs. Okay, so that's the kind of shit that I do. So that's Donald Trump. No, but I'm not standing here saying don't wear jeans. No one should wear jeans. That's what you should do. Jeans are for rapists. Well, I don't do that. No, you don't wear jeans no one should wear jeans that's what you should jeans

are for rapists well i don't do that but no you don't they but like but i will say something blanket i will say something i bet more people more more people have performed rape while wearing jeans than than any other kinds of pants maybe shorts though that seems like a rapist there's definitely cargo shorts number one rape for sure no you know what most rapists in history were wearing? Yes, I do. Oakley sunglasses. Absolutely nothing. Because most rapists were around way before clothes.

Oh, okay. Well, I'm talking about the current situation of it. Gotcha on a technicality. Oakley sunglasses. And I think I won that one. Oakley sunglasses. Yeah. Well, that, yeah.

But yeah, I don't like how you had to take it all fucking smart and into a historic level. I'm a scientist and an anthropologist and a lot of shit like that. Other shit like that. Fucking went downhill so quickly. No, I'm a scientist. I'm an anthropologist and a lot of shit like that. Not fucking respected in your profession. I'm a geneticist.

That I fucking know I am. Oh, but you don't know you're the other ones? No, that I'm positive of. But you know you're a geneticist. No, no. I'm a geneticist that i fucking know i am oh but not you don't know you're the other ones no that i'm positive of but you know you're a geneticist no no i'm a geneticist every day okay and you're an anthropologist how often a week like five five or six days and you're a scientist seven days a week yeah yeah so you're a scientist as much as you're a geneticist yeah those are the two big ones and by the way what we're doing right now is the worst version of what abing on costello ever did it's also what we do all the fucking time always i mean i'll just fucking text you i'm tim

that is true yeah yeah that is true you will do that yeah i'm fucking you never you never i'm fucking buffer than i used to be though and you never really fucking address that you never fucking say anything about that you never say like chris you're looking big and beefy and that's fucking honestly very weird yeah i don't say that how come i don't think about bigness and beefiness but even when i'm faced with it okay well so you're not observant then i observe it i'm just thinking about shit i'd rather be thinking so how quickly if i'm beefy if i'm beefier than i've been when i walk into beefy though because that's what it is it's pure 100 grade beef dinty more the little fucking dinty more dude fucking hadouken ramen thing no wait no so i'm beefy a little bit beefier than i have been and that's the fucking elephant to say that but it's the elephant in the room okay now when i when you see me after a few weeks and when i've been on the road and i

come back and i'm a little bit beefier how quickly does that go through your brain if you're observant how quickly does it go through your brain like a fucking breeze through a screen door okay it goes right through because i don't give a fuck okay but you do register it no so you know you're not observant then it's either or. I gotcha. I'm fucking pissed now, dude. No, but I gotcha. All right. All right.

K! It's either or. You know? Wait, hold on. Dude. Hold on. I want to do it like this. I mean, fucking bitch.

It's locked. It's either or. I ain't got no motherfucking... Can't do it if it's not on Fucking call you Motherfucker No Because it's too far It's too far we have a little table

I know we have a little table Playing with two pussies Playing with two pussies Dude Always talking about sex No I'm not I'm actually not I was always talking about sex, dude. No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm actually not.

Never not talking about sex. I was just talking about fucking beefiness, dude. Yeah, but you'd be like, if you talked about it longer, you'd be like, and it's beefy. Sucking a dick. No, no, no, dude. Oh, a fucking gymnast. I know. Thank you.

I'm a gymnast seven days a week. You are, yeah. I'm a gymnast as much as you are a scientist. So together, we could do a lot of shit for the world. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So what do you want to fucking talk about? I know you did the K thing, and I agree, and I get it.

Oh, I know what I want to talk about. Okay. Oh, dude. I know what I want to fucking talk about. Okay. I'm going to fucking rock you. No. Yep.

I made a joke earlier about how this is my podcast now It's not Okay Well that was quick It was for Okay 30 fucking 9 Almost 40 minutes

Okay I fucking I'm gonna have my own fucking podcast Okay Okay And when I do I don't like how you gave him a soundboard by the way oh i insisted it okay i insisted then i i like that a little better and i definitely knew you wouldn't like it and that probably makes you like it even more it makes me like i like how much i don't like it

i gotta be honest because i like when somebody is committed about their shit and it's committed and it's i like it it's interesting it's interesting it's interesting so cocked to say it's interesting but it's interesting because it it it that is kind of like kind of like the idea of the fucking podcast i don't want to fucking give too much away it's gonna be the best podcast okay well better than your podcast okay okay is it a comedy podcast or a regular podcast if i feel fucking funny it'll be fucking hilarious. All right. All right? Okay. I will probably be feeling funny on any given day. So goddamn foreign.

I will probably be feeling funny on any given goddamn day. All right. You actually talked... Learning English. Now that I finally listened to your fucking podcast, I heard you talk a little bit

about how people don't fucking talk to each other enough. And that's probably because that's one thing we always fucking talk about. Okay. People shouting each other down and then they get on the fucking fringes and then they only talk to each other and they're in their co-chamber what they're fucking saying. Yeah. That sucks.

Right. And I feel like people don't know how to argue anymore because arguing is fucking really fun. And, and I don't see people having fun doing that yeah true you know what i mean so to me arguing is the most fun thing i'd rather lose an argument really badly yeah than not being one okay i mean sure and i just feel like the conversations that i am hearing people aren't fucking talking to each other and i want to be able to fucking have anybody anybody who's been sort of maybe sidelined or doesn't have a fucking

voice to talk about the main shit right the way you put it was fucking way better than me why don't you pitch my fucking podcast for me dude like brett farve yeah pitch it well he's not a pitcher he's a football player well i don't know but you said no but no but brett farve is what happened that what happened to him oh he would be on your podcast oh yeah he would be on my podcast yeah yeah so you so it's okay to talk about what it is yeah i guess it's okay all right so it's a podcast where you i put it well you think and now i'm gonna talk about okay so but that's what a podcast is good for you can fuck it up and then be like wait that's true not another part uh you're going to interview people that have uh fallen from grace that have had uh crazy wild things happen to them that now are being shamed like anthony wiener yeah or um i mean you talk about shame on here a lot yeah

right i do yeah yeah but so you want to interview those people because a lot of those people they don't get the the the the the the media won't interview those people because a lot of those people they don't get the the the the the media won't interview those people because they don't want to give them a platform yeah which i think that's doing a disservice to conversation in the world because you're not getting everybody talking with each other yeah and these fringe people don't get to talk about their ideas and get them fucking put in their place because the only interviews that they're doing are people not in the media that don't know what the fuck they're talking about. And so they'll take an interview and a guy like who? Who's the guy with the cowboy hat?

The white guy. The white guy with the cowboy hat? What guy with the fucking – The guy you were talking about. Oh, no. I'm sorry. I'm thinking about – who am I thinking about? The fucking alt-right guy

he doesn't wear a cowboy hat but uh richard spencer yes yes yes yes uh uh richard spencer richard spencer should wear a fucking cowboy yeah he should that's why i thought he was wearing so he um he he get the i mean cnn won't interview him well yeah so so the people who do interview him are not the leading people. And then he'll walk all over those people because his arguments are fucking well thought out. Whether or not you agree with them. Yeah. Obviously.

I mean, in general, I just want ideas that people sort of kick to the side to get out in the fucking open and to be able to talk about anything and fucking everything and also dude everybody's so fucking serious about shit i know and i don't think that's good no it should be there should be a lot of k going on it's not it's not fucking well dude here's the thing anybody who comes on that i disagree with if they fucking rock my fucking ass okay but yeah fuck you in the butt you mean k right there you go that is the only attitude to have about a fucking argument you you have to fucking go in and be ready to fucking lose right right because otherwise you're not listening right and people when people aren't fucking listening they're just fucking yelling but now people are just yelling to each other

about shit they already fucking agree about yeah and i don't want to do that even if i already fucking agree with you. That isn't interesting to me. Well, a lot of times I agree with CNN, but also a lot of times you can smell their agenda and it's annoying as fuck. You can smell everybody's agenda. Right, right, right. And the best thing about a scientist,

an anthropologist, and geneticist... Or the white lab coats. ...like myself, is that I don't have an agenda. Right. And I don't have any rep that can be fucking broken by having some guy. That's good. That's why you build your rep like that.

Like, that's what I would always say about you fucking went on like Twitter and stuff. Like I would tweet the crazy shit and get the fan base that way. Right. Because if you're fucking like people expect that shit from Kanye West. Right. But if somebody like whoever,

you know what I mean? Uh, uh, my, like, uh, Chris Evans. Right. Right. Right. If he was just like, the fuck's up with all this bullshit going whoever yeah you know what i mean uh that my like uh chris evans right right if he was just like the fuck's up with all this bullshit going on you know right right right even if he tweeted something like hey there's a lot of asians at kmart today people would be like

oh he's not captain america anymore right right right but that's nothing but if i did it people be like oh chris is just being a fucking wacko that's what he does that's why we follow him right yeah yeah i mean for me what i definitely know is if a thing like that existed i that would be the thing i'd want to listen to even much more listening to you talk but that's well but that's what you got to do you got to do the thing that you want to fucking see in the world right not trying to be fucking yeah i mean i i want to fucking get into shit it's okay i want fire it's right there i see it the time um he clicked to stop watching cleared to stop watching now we don't know how long it's okay one fire it's right there i see it at the time um he clicked the stopwatch and cleared the stopwatch and now we don't know how long it's going but i look over the monitor and it's okay

and i want to get rid of came through with the video but one fire fucked it all up with the other shit so it's all good nice no it no it he writes one fire writes no it quit okay well no it didn't dude you fucked it up for sure i mean the way he typed that uh was like so slow and so you're a three-year-old bonobo and he also has more shit to say about it but he's like you know what i'm just gonna let it all very he's being mature oh dude um so yeah i'm gonna fucking rock that's good that'll be a good no but there's there's no rock in my ass i'm gonna rock your ass because i'm gonna get more fucking people oh follow me. Oh, okay. Well, I want that. Yeah.

Oh, also, and when you fucking do something finally that fucks everything up, like you go too far. Oh, yeah. Finally. Yeah. Like, you know. I could be on your podcast. Exactly.

I got you. What you're saying. Yeah. Okay. Well, it's probably soon. Oh, wait. Fuck. I got some shit to say about it.

Oh, okay. You can go to mattdelia.com to join our newsletter, which I'll only use for important announcement and great porn links. That's M-A-T-T-D-E-L-I-A.com. People know how to spell your goddamn name, but yeah. Just kidding about the porn links. Yeah. Well, then people unsubscribe.

People unsubscribe and then unsubscribe when you said that. Yeah. Well, that's cool. Yeah. It's like when you put something on your list on Netflix and then fucking when it drops, it says, hey, it's available. Yeah. It's like when you put something on your list on Netflix, and then fucking when it drops, it says, hey, it's available. Yeah, I didn't know that was a thing. Really?

Yeah, dude. Bonfire fucking told me that shit. When? Today. Yesterday. About Netflix? Yeah. Or yours?

No, about the thing that I can do. Oh, gotcha. Okay. You can do it on Netflix, too. Yeah, well, that I know. You can do it, actually, for my thing that's coming out on January 1st Comedians of the World that drops

so I have a new special coming out is it fucking where's that big ass billboard for that I guess it's coming out soon I don't know oh it'll be

it'll be here though and you'll be able to see my face driving down Coanga or something probably yeah yeah yeah are you sweating no not right now me neither

oh good dude how about when people ask something? Yeah. And they obviously are that. Yeah. Because they want to know if someone else is. Oh, yeah.

Like what I just did? Right. Right. Right. Right. But they're fucking serious. Yeah. It's amazing.

It's amazing on a bunch of different levels. And I'll tell you, you're saying like, you're saying like, like, like do an example. I have a fucking great one actually. Okay. We were talking about fucking gross genitalia. I'm making it up. Gross genitalia. No, I'm just trying to think about how I should fucking say this because this is pretty fucking gross.

I got you. It's okay. It's good, right? if you've ever listened to my podcast you say like genuinely terrible shit right well yeah crass yeah yeah i mean but also just do it in an in an actual way and you're good don't be like yeah so fucking don't okay so yeah we're talking about fucking beef curtains on vaginas okay all right i've said i've said baboon rudder so yeah yeah and then so we're talking about beef curtains okay well it's it okay we're talking about beef curtains this is what we were talking about and somebody who was there that wasn't directly linked to the

conversation just said i don't have beef curtains right and you know instantly they have beef curtains you have beef curtains right right that's it that's a good example yeah so so you know, instantly they have beef curtains. You have beef curtains. Right. Right. That's it. That's a good example. Yeah. So, so, you know, instantly because they chimed in, why would you say you don't be right? Exactly. It's like when a girl comes over to your apartment and you're like, and they're like, by the way, we're not having sex.

And you're like, I didn't mention shit. Yeah. And then you're like, and you know, you're going to do the fucking horizontal Mambo eventually. And you know, you're going to do the, and it's going to happen and it's fine. Yeah. It's going to go till the break of dawn, baby. Got it going on. Right.

Yeah. I know that. Yeah. So I wonder if they know that I, I, well, they have to know it deep down, but they don't know it on the level. Dude. I don't know. I don't know if I, I guess I don't know that.

And you're the scientist seven days a week. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love that song. But, um, but, uh, I think that, uh that it's amazing on so many levels because, first of all, the less you say, the less incriminating you're going to be about yourself. So you go, you throw that right out right away.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, yeah. Also, you are tricking yourself and you're lying to everybody but you're also lying to yourself it's just a whole fucking mess yeah it's like here this is what i find i guess guys do this a lot too but i find girls do this in in my circle the most uh girls will be like i never go out yeah right right right right and you're saying that because you want people to think you don't go out but you go out all the time yeah and that's why all of your instagram pictures and stories are you drinking champagne so it's weird it's like saying hi i'm not wearing any clothes

and you're wearing fucking a shirt and pants right because that's the same exact thing here's my thing though and those are the worst kinds of people in the world yeah but why do they want to seem like they don't know that's the other thing it's not even a bad thing go out and who cares dude what's i don't know why do people give a fuck about the way they are they didn't fucking pick it yeah i know i know well but they don't want to be a loser quote unquote i guess but then it's not losers because people will be like oh i, I'm such a grandma. Like, who gives a fuck?

Oh, you stayed home? What do you want to fucking? I don't give it. What do you want? Some fucking. I don't get it. I actually don't even fuck. Yeah, I don't get it.

I don't get it either. But yeah, but it is very, very prevalent. And those kinds of people are the worst kinds of people in the world. Oh, OK. Well, I mean, that's so fucking extreme, though. Yeah, I know. But they're there. yeah i know but they're yeah they're they're just as bad as racists oh you know what maybe this fucking made me think of

i was fucking reading a book read a lot of books okay read a lot of fucking books me too there's a fucking i was reading about this study about uh men who identify as homophobic. Right? Okay. And so there was a study done. And they admit it and they know they are? Or they associated like other qualities that generally aligned with homophobia. Okay.

Okay. And so they put them in this rig. Like they put this thing around their dick and they get really detailed about the thing. It's like, how did you get this fucking thing on their dick? Right? Okay.

But it's like basically a lie detector, but for your fucking dick. Whoa. Right? So they put all this other shit. I think I read it in Strangers to Ourselves is the name of this book

by this guy, Timothy Wilson. It's a fucking awesome book. Strangers what? Strangers to Ourselves by Timothy. I think it's Timothy Wilson. Probably read it.

Awesome book. You definitely haven't read it. I could have read it. You put, and these guys who identify as homophobic or just at least strongly heterosexual they're like yeah they start to perspire or whatever they start to perspire when they see the gay porn images and they start to get a little bit

of a fucking chubby penis wow yeah and that's the technical term i'm a doctor so so so so basically they hate it because they want to do it well yeah so do you think that it's part of it is they're gay or do you think part of it is they the excitement and the tabooness of it is what turns them on because they know that both yeah both yeah but i think that that is only more fucking reason to let everybody know it's okay to fucking blast guys oh yeah you know what i mean yeah it's way okay like if everybody knew it was okay to fucking blast guys for guys whenever they want to blast guys no one would be they wouldn't even be able you wouldn't be able to do that fucking study in the first place right yeah like yeah

we blast guys they'd be like oh you want to put this on the on your penis to see if you like if you'd like to blast guys they'd be like i like to blast guys it's over yeah and then they just that's it right yeah the study would be would be done yeah um you know the only thing that ever you know how like you know we talk about echo chamber yeah uh and you talk about like how like you know how it's so hard to change somebody's mind just because they're just it's pretty much actually impossible yeah right and so i was online and the only thing that had like i like you know i try to be open-minded obviously everyone should try to be open-minded but in a lot of cases i'm not and the only thing that ever fucking totally changed my mind a stranger online changed my mind and it was when i used to have this joke about how

it was my first special you probably remember but it was like if if if you hate gay people that much you're gay i remember right because nobody has no nobody feels that strongly about something unless you're trying to hide something about it right and i was like i was like like say like if you hate a butterfinger like if you i fuck fuck butterfingers i hate butterfingers so much you'd be like what happened between you and a butterfinger right that was the joke. And so I thought that everybody who hated gay people were secretly gay. I actually thought that. And then I read a tweet from somebody that was like, that's not true. And also, if you do that, it's secretly blaming gay people for homophobia.

Do you understand? It took me, I had to read it like seven times. Yeah. Yeah. it's secretly blaming gay people for homophobia. Do you understand? It took me, I had to read it like seven times. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, and I was like, that's so true.

That's very true. But, and I don't know if, I don't know if now I'm totally all the other way. Like, but I think now that you can like have hatred for people who have sex with the same sex without being without being gay yeah well absolutely for sure yeah but i i that feels more like a tribal thing where it's like i do this this is natural you know i mean but the whole reproduction thing i think they come more

from that side of it who's they people that have a problem with oh right yeah it's less about like i yeah definitely it's more like that's not the way it's done true yeah that's true i mean this is not the way we do it you know they're like that right we're like this is basically the source of every fucking right right right you're some version of that you're a bit like that with jeans huh you should start wearing jeans honestly yeah it's gonna yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna start a fucking war on jeans because you are like only corduroys only corduroys and you're basically homophobic is what i'm saying about jeans i'm running for fucking president and my platform one of my platforms is a war on jeans nice i would by the way vote for that and i love jeans yeah just

because i need somebody to shake things up right i. I'd be a fucking awesome president, to be honest. All right. That's okay. You want to know about my fucking platforms? Okay. Fucking, I honestly haven't thought about it that much. Well, that's not good. But I'll tell you what, Donald Trump didn't think about it that much at your age.

No, I think I'm going to start now. I just had this idea, dude. Okay. Well, you 35 yeah I just started I just fucking had this idea okay when now right now I'm gonna be here at the podcast right here I'm gonna be fucking president dude okay guys this is crazy it's on camera oh wow I'm gonna fucking be president guys it's okay well uh not not not obviously in four years or two years whatever it is i get back to you about my platforms when i develop them no in 2020 yeah have them subscribe to it already so they get the notification about like the podcast they're gonna learn about my foreign policy and all that shit nice uh yeah well i don't know do you do you want to do should we do like craigslist

ads with matt that might be fun have you heard me do that yet? Uh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah Oh, wow, cool. All right. Do you want to do misconnections? Should we do it now? What's that Yeah, well we can do it or whatever You gotta you want to piss or no i'm good I'm, okay All right, let's do it. Let's fucking look them up.

You got some on Stenner? Guy Friends is the title. My longtime guy friend has moved away. We had great times. So far, it's really sad. I mean, this is like fucking flo bear what's up with this shit i serviced it's what it's like what it's like flo bear it's like that what what's flo mare a fucking author some french author read a book is that what that is

yeah i know it's a french author on flow mare what is it what is flow bear flow bear flow bear what are you fucking saying flow bear gustav fucking flow bear flaubert dude it's fucking flaubert fuck off gustav sorbet what am i fucking doing here i don't know dude you picked up cards yeah i don't know all right so my long up cards. Yeah, I don't know. All right. So my long... Oh, you call with fucking A, yeah. Guy friends. My longtime guy friend has moved away. I had great times. I serviced him when he wanted.

Wow. I'm looking for a new friend to hang out with for good, clean fun from time to time. I'm a man, by the way. Oh. I want to be the bottom. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers uh i just think it's crazy how uh he's being too vague you know what's funny is until the very end he's got two really like good details but they were like what are you talking about i'm the by the way is the main

thing that you have to start with true by the way people generally form their sexual fantasies around whether you're uh yeah a man in a bottom and the guy says by the way i'm a man i want to be the bottom if that's cool but i think um he just doesn't want people to know who it really is but he's just going way too overboard with it because i mean he's saying guy friends yeah i want to those aren't your friends you fuck them also nobody knows you you because it's on craigslist so just say exactly what you want well that's what i mean yeah you're already anonymous that is what you don't need to be you don't need to be cagey on fucking craigslist yeah it might as well be called cagey list you know what i mean nicholas cage the way you laughed and it's all good um you want to read

this one yeah i know how to read uber driver wants to watch parentheses los angeles i'm pretty open couples are ideal but all considered i have a pretty big back seat. Okay. Need a ride? 48. White. What? White male dad type. But this is the best part is the first thing he says is I'm pretty open

and the last part is do not contact me with unsolicited or services or offers. So not open. So he's really not that open. Don't they all say that? Yeah. No, I don't know

yeah uh it's bullshit what i why why does it have to say that honestly just definitely anytime you see something where you're like why is it saying that it's because they legal somebody doesn't want to get the shit suit out of them yeah no fucking weird yeah no it's actually not uh couples are i tricked you couples are ideal but all considered i have a pretty big back seat need a ride so he's being cute about his butt right i have a pretty big back seat he's a fucking uber driver driver for real yeah yeah oh wow so he wants to like drive around couples that fuck maybe oh maybe no no definitely he's being cagey why doesn't he just say i want couples to sit in my back seat that's pretty big and i want to fuck while i take it to costco you know what i agree

yeah that's what you just said that yeah okay oh i said it oh i said it i said the main specific thing but you were being cagey about it. And I came through with the home run. Eating something. What's that fucking Dirty Rotten Scoundrels? Let's go swimming, Pomona. I want to go to a spa. Let's do it.

So, just go, dude. You don't need to be on Craigslist for that. I'm depressed. Fucking fully, dude. Hang on, hang on, on hang on i'm depressed okay feeling great dude he says let's go swimming and then i want to go to a spa let's do it that is sad i will venture to say nobody's written to this one nobody who the fuck the let's do it doesn't even have a fucking period at the end that's so depressing dude like finish it you wrote eight words he's just like yeah well yeah jesus christ

what's this one oh spell better for Dude, it's weird how many... How many of these people don't spell well? Honestly, nobody fucking spells well. Yeah, but this is just... And that's a problem. I want meet macho guy cross-dresser here. But... Cross-dreaser. Cross-dreaser.

Yeah. Cross-dreaser. It's a fucking... what do you call it? Krosdrezer. A Croatian guy. Are you macho guy? Want have fun. Heh, Safaran.

Do you have good tool and what to used it? Ah! Yes. So many tenses. This guy fucking is amazing. He's fucking being specific, too. He is, he is. I want to meet a macho guy.

And a cross-dreaser. Send pic if you serious I am cross-dreaser. Andas caliente, crees macho de. Para mi dres serio, ven y juguemos. Honestly, now he's just showing off. Soy cross-dreaser. He spelled cross-dreaser both times. Well, maybe that's the

spanish way of saying it oh no but how do you know because no because it's in english without two letters you're right yeah it should be just a dick cross or something yeah do not contact me services or offers you don't need to read that are you macho guy look at whore thorn whore thorn i mean he doesn't even know how to spell where he is and it says it right under it too hawthorne uh okay cool well go ahead you can do this i mean the worst fucking house just yawning help me it's very respectful to be that comfortable in my environment for you guys and i'm just chilling and i yawn and that's what happens and that's how life is and that's why we listen to this thing and that's why we have this thing to be ourselves and fucking keep it moving donald trump i mean fuck my brother's donald trump

no no wrong help needed huntington beach ladies i'm looking for somebody to help me with a little situation he's being cute i don't like that don't like i mean the way you said it no kevin spacey hi i don't like that he's being cute i don't like that don't need any quote favors pictures or videos will compensate for your time hit me up for details what why is favors i don't like being cute i don't like that ladies i'm looking for somebody to help well you know this guy's a fucking like a little bitch yeah well he drugs

people this guy yeah and you know he's fucking you know he's under 5'11 oh yeah he's easy he's like the guy

in the vanishing remember that movie yep one of my favorite you love that movie I love that movie yeah you love that movie Jeff Bridges is so good

in that movie oh well I'm obviously talking about the original though oh yeah that was good too which rocks ass. Yeah, that was really. They both rocked ass.

It's French, right? Yeah. Yeah. Is it by Flaubert? Yeah. It's by Flaubert? It's based on a book called The Golden Egg. Fucking smart.

I knew that. And it's a short story. So see, there you go. Okay. See, is it about a short story or what? I actually don't know. That's why I said, okay. Okay.

It's a short story. I know it. And I fucking nailed you there, dude tourette's oh uh this one jack off make out m for m east la anyone guys like to frot jack off any this literally says anyone guys like to frot, jack off, and make out? What is frot? I think it means front. Like. Oh, front, jack off, like that. Doing it to each other?

Like that. Like you're pulling it off. That's how you do it. So fucking unenthusiastic. I mean, well, you know, I'm not gay. If I was, maybe I'd be a little more enthusiastic. Let's get together. Send stats and picks.

Like, oh, my slugging percentage in fucking 2008 was 400. What's your quarterback rating? I'm the Frank 2008 was 400. What's your quarterback rating? I'm the Frank Thomas of fucking. What's your credit score? Send stats. My batting average is 364. I've got four ribbies last game. Do you think it means...

I guess it just means dick size? Yeah. So, see, I don't like the cute thing. Ribbies, dude. Say how big is your fucking dick. Yeah, I don't like it either. And send a fucking pic of it. I also hate when baseball announcers say ribbies.

Because say RBIs. Yeah. Or say RSBI. Yeah, but you know what they also say? Is ribeye steaks. No. Yeah, dude, it's great. Keith Hernandez says that.

Oh, well, I like that. I know Keith Hernandez. You listen to Chris's podcast. I fucking love you, dude. That's it. Is there somebody that looks honestly more like he fucking killed his wife more than Keith Hernandez? That is fucking so true. I mean, it looks like he fucking killed.

You can't possibly look more like you killed your wife than Keith Hernandez. You know what it is? Yeah. I mean, look at all of these pictures. He killed two wives. One before he moved to America. Oh, wow. That's what he did.

And it was both poison. No, it was both like liquid, like cleaning liquid and just did so much of it while she was sick. He was like, this will make you feel better. And he fucking did them both. And they're not going to find out after he dies. dies one he ended up having to push down the stairs though because like it wasn't it wasn't enough yeah yeah oh my god dude he fucking couldn't look more like he fucking killed his wife it's unbelievable wow wow wow congratulations yeah yeah yeah yeah he's oh wow does he have a book called i'm keith hernandez is that what that is

he's like a fucking hard-ass motherfucker yeah yeah i mean he has a book called I'm Keith Hernandez? Is that what that is? He's like a fucking hard-ass motherfucker. Yeah. I mean, he has a book called I'm Keith Hernandez. Hey. Yeah. Actually, you know what? That bothers me because that was going to be the title of the book I write. I'm Keith Hernandez?

Yeah. You could still do that. That would be amazing. Yeah, that's true, actually. Just italicize I'm. I'm Keith Hernandez. You ever listen to Keith Hernandez? Does he do

music oh don't look in the basement brown brown you know that's not my don't worry my wife ran away don't look in the basement brown all I got down there is ribeye steaks that's a great song mm-hmm RBI let's listen to how Keith All I got down there is ribeye steaks. So fucking stupid. That's a great song.

R's B.I. Let's listen to how Keith Hernandez sounds. Oh, wait. No, that's... Yeah, okay. Because he... Go ahead, talk. Uh-oh. That makes me mad.

Don't do that. He has... He sounds gayer than I do when I say K. What? Oh, well, don't act That fucking surprised I don't sound that fucking No dude He

One time I was watching The Mets game Because I love the Mets Because I'm a fucking Mets fan Okay He There were Navy guys there People in the Navy

Right? Navy guys? Hold on They cut to it They cut to the guys And it was quiet for a second. And Keith Hernandez said, ahoy sailors.

Come on, dude, dude. What do I do? Keith Hernandez? What? What would be a good YouTube? Ahoy sailors?

No. Oh really? Okay. Maybe. I mean, it was that fucking extreme. It should be online. I'm just saying to,

to, to come up with, no, it's not there, but this is him talking. That's him. That's him? That's him on the left, yeah. Listen, that guy's so announcer.

Gary Cohen. This is us, by the way, on the podcast. This makes me hate white people, by the way. Yeah, that was a grump. This is the most unfunny thing I've ever seen. No, they're the best. They're the best. That's him.

There's Keith Hernandez. He's about to talk. I know the season's late in the season, guys. That's hilarious. Did you see the eyes? Yes, I did. That was outstanding. Wow.

Great work by the guys in the truck. That was superb. Lucas Dudaza? Lucas Dudaza? I was so mad, by the way. Great work by the guys in the truck. That was superb. What are their home addresses?

Every time I listen to a sports game, it always sounds like the announcers are fucking absolute mortal enemies. To me. They'd be like, yeah, boy, got it batted in, runs batted in, amazing. 27 last season, not that good. Coming from a different... What do you think? And I'll be like, well, you know, I'd agree with you,

but God damn it, I tell you, I'm going to fucking kill your wife when I get home. Fucking. Oh, this actually reminds me of a question I like to ask people, okay? There was one comment. Okay, before you do that, there's one comment under this video, and it says, you guys are idiots, LOL. Are they talking to us? Nope, they're talking to Keith Hernandez, and it's Alejandro Gonzalez said that, and there's not more baseball player name than that.

Okay. Okay. The fuck was I going to say? Do you ever drink beer in high school? No, not beer, but I do remember having a bag of mushrooms in my refrigerator. I mean. And I remember you mentioned your dog. Yeah.

I had a cat, and my cat used to sneak into the refrigerator, and he would steal the mushrooms. And I said, no, and his name was Louis. I said, Louis, you can't do that. You can't do that. It's not right. He ate them voraciously. He just loved them. It was like catnip to him.

So I thought, well, what the heck? I better do it with him. And I remember lying in my bed for hours. And Louis was on the desk across from the bed for hours staring at each other. Yeah, every story he tells involves an animal and drugs.

But he would stare at me and I had no doubt that he was my brother. Killed it. He killed it right there. And why'd you click that? It was there. That's not why you do things. Yeah, YouTube got me. There's another one on the right.

It says Harrison Ford is too much. I really want to click that one. Don't. How about when you say something or Google something, and then 20 minutes later there's an ad for it on fucking some bullshit in front of your face? Yeah, that's fucking really weird. You know what's the worst part?

What? When you want it. yeah because you realize i don't know me i know i know they they know me they know me yeah yeah yeah yeah it's really fucking annoying it happened to me more than once what yeah no that's happened to me a lot yeah more than one time that like that's a no it's gonna be all the fucking time. No, but I fell for it, I'm saying. Oh, I fall for it all the fucking time. You have? I bought a fucking, I bought a fucking rock light.

No. I bought a rock light. Did you say rock light? No, I didn't say rock light. So how the fuck did rock light come up? I was a geologist that day. They found out. Yeah.

And put a fucking quartzite thing in front of me that had a light in it and i was like all right oh geologists have this i must have it yeah yeah yeah yeah what is a rock what is even a rock light it looks like a rock oh jesus that's fucking stupid it's so dumb and you you didn't you thought it was cool when you got it though no so why'd you get it it was it was there wow i did it i did that's not very you i did what you did well you know what i want oh wait no no no no no no i was still a geologist oh well i wanted it um i wanted it i had there was a shirt that i liked and i bought it and it just arrived by the way whenever that happens dude you ever buy something off an instagram ad it takes fucking

three months to get here dude it does yeah you. Yeah. You know why? You know why? Because it's fake and coming from China. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. It's so true. But you know how you know it's fake and coming from China? Why? They'll be like, most amazing buying purchase.

Right. Yeah. For you with glow. Yeah. You know, and you're like, what are they selling? Fraught Jackoff t-shirt. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Amazing buying. Yeah. Purchase superb. Fraught Jackoff t-shirt. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Amazing buying. Yeah. Purchase superb. Fraught Jackoff t-shirt. Only cents. You're just like, what?

How do I? What's happening? One Kraus Drizzer for sale. All right. That's it? You want to wrap? You like how I do that? No.

I can do it. I can't do that. I learned it in La Cunada. Oh. People used to dip, and they'd do that with the dippings, and I fucking did it. Dippings. Whatever, dude. That's it.

That's our podcast. We're fucking... I hate when people say this, but we're donezo. So drunk. Merry Christmas. I need to get the things. I dropped it. And download the Crystalia'Elia app.

Merch continuously being restocked. So stop saying, hey, it's all out of stock. You'll get it. Just keep checking. Rate, subscribe, review the show. Podcast videos go up Tuesdays and Wednesdays. But it's all good. We have my brother on as a guest, Matt D'Elia.

You got anything you want to say? San Antonio, I'm coming to you in Austin this weekend. Louisville, Indianapolis, St. Louis. St. Louis. What do you got? Something you want to say? No, not at all. No.

You're done? Yeah, I'm done. Guys, thanks for coming. Thanks for being my first guest ever. Yeah. Episode 100. Never thought we'd get here, but we're here. And episode 101 next time.

Because that's how it goes. Good night, guys. Thank you.