Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 101. Past the Anus

Episode Date: January 2, 2019

On today's show, Chris discusses the end of the holidays. Also discussed: Chris's new Netflix special, The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, Saudi Arabia, skiing, and the world ending. Plus, Missed Connections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. What's up, guys? How you doing? It's episode 101 of Congratulations. What's up, guys? How you doing? It's episode 101 of Congratulations. We broke 100.

And that's amazing. And you guys have helped this happen. I'd love to say couldn't have done it without you. But the truth is, could have done it without you, but it would have been a really fucking long, depressing 100-hour suicide note because it would have just been me talking to absolutely nobody. So it really does help that you guys have listened because I do talk to myself by myself in my house, but you guys are now my audience and that's great. But you guys are now my audience, and that's great. Now, it is still the new studio. It's a little bit echoey, and it will be the last time that it is echoey because we are getting it soundproofed tomorrow or the next day.

So it's on, my babies. And that's how it's going. It's a free cunt. You can make your room however you want it. And we're going to make this one soundproof. Why am I like this? Dude, you guys, happy new new year happy nude year right it's 2019 um and you know uh i love when the clock strokes midnight on new year uh on on the new year

because everyone stops saying see you next year and that's annoying as fuck when people do that because that's as interesting as the good Halloween costume at the party. And in real life, he's sad for doing it. Anyway, we're live on my app here. You can hear the podcast first, see the podcast first. Right now, I'm back to being solo. I'm rolling on my dolo, my babies, because my brother was for episode 100, and we got a lot of love for it, man. My brother hit me up yesterday, and he was like, how come nobody's talking shit? And I was like, look, it's because, you know, the fan base is built in.

The babies are strong. We're a cult, dude, and we don't talk shit. And I was like, he was like, yeah, but usually there's a shit shit talk i was like you're enough like me that they're just in we have got a good banter we've got a good we've got a good banter and uh we're having a we were having a good time but we're back today regular programming just me so if you like my brother sorry uh but you can go fucking look at his podcast when it comes out when it when it does but anyway uh it's 2019 i'm on tiger belly this week too uh i had fun with with bobby and kalilah um and the other fucking 14 people that they have in that apartment in that in that fucking room

when we do dude i swear to god i do tiger belly there's seven people in the room it's the littlest room in his goddamn apartment hey bobby if you're gonna have that many people in your podcast put it in the fucking living room at least dude it's in like the back fucking i guess it's a is it even it's not even a bedroom it doesn't even have a fucking a bathroom in it it's like a a fucking little room that would be an office with a closet and i swear to god one guy sits in the goddamn closet i swear to god and it's always a different guy and it's sad as shit. It's like, like, it's like every time I go back, it's a new guy that sits in the closet and he's just like, oh yeah, no,

I fucking, and where's the old guy? And they go, oh, he got tired of sitting in the goddamn closet. That's why. That's why. Why the fuck would you, you know how dehumanizing it is to sit in a closet? Name one guy that sit in a closet for more than eight hours that didn't that thought more of himself after he left after he fucking got out name one guy that's been in a closet for an hour that thought more of himself when they got out

anyway i'm on episode 175 of tiger belly and bobby lee is a goddamn cartoon. So anyway, 100 episodes, fucking so awesome. I love it, and I want to talk about, you know, I don't give a fuck. We're just, I went, I got my, you know what happened today? I went early to the coffee bean. I got a new, by the way, got a new fucking coffee bean that I go to sometimes. So sorry if you were looking for me at the old one today, but I wasn't there. But it's January 2nd now that this is coming out. And let me say something, all right?

When you're, I guess, starting the 23rd of December, all bets are off. You can kind of wear whatever the fuck you want to wear. Girls aren't wearing makeup. They're like, this is the real me, whatever. I've got kids. I'm shopping. All good. Dudes are showing up in fucking onesies at like a cafe and you're like, all right, it's

the fucking holiday time, you know, fuck it. And what they call the taint of the holiday season between christmas and uh new year's eve because nobody does shit and it's like in between the balls and the anus because the christmas is christmas is balls and new year's is the fucking anus or christmas is your fucking pussy and then new year's is the anus anyway it's a family show but um it's a taint the holidays and uh all bets are off people show up they're like it's like they're but it's a taint, the holidays. And all bets are off. People show up.

They're like, it's like they're in, it's like they're in, they're storming the beaches at Normandy at fucking Target. And they're just like, oh, no, you know what? It's more like the, not even, what's the Walking Dead? Fucking more like Night of the Living Dead, where it's just like they're walking slow. And it's just like horrible. It looks horrible the and the and the makeup and the special effects are horrible but that's how everyone kind of is on the taint of the fucking holiday season and then um and then so it's january 2nd so january 2nd now and i went to go to the coffee bean to get my thoughts together for the podcast didn't really do it oh i say i'm gonna do it but instead i just peruse Instagram and Twitter

and see what people are saying about me. So sad. So actually what happens? Do I come up with ideas? Yes. Do I do it in the time I have a lot of myself to do it? No. Do I do it all week? Yes. Do I sometimes write them down? Yes. Do I write them all down? No. Do I say I'll do it later? Yes. Am I lazy? Yes. Does it work sometimes? Am I disrespectful to you guys? No. Do I say I'll do it later? Yes. Am I lazy? Yes. Does it work? Sometimes. Am I disrespectful to you guys? Yes. Am I disrespectful to myself? Yes. Will the podcast be better if I did it? Yes. Am I going to change? No. I am who I am, babies. And that's what this podcast is about. It's about being who you are. Okay? It's about being who you are. It's not about changing. Is it about growing a little bit, but it's mostly about remaining who you are. It's not about changing. Is it about growing a little bit, but is it more or less about remaining who you are and people barely change no matter what? Yes.

Do people think I'm really going to make a difference? I'm going to make a change? Yes. Do they? No. Is it all good? Kind of. But anyway, dude, I was at the coffee bean, and let me tell you something, dude.

This chick came out, came to the coffee bean coffee bean now she had her onesie on now immediately what i thought of is it's january 2nd this is what i thought of you're past the fucking anus you're past the anus You're past the anus. Therefore, put pants on. Therefore, put a top on. Therefore, put on more articles of clothing than one. It's January 2nd. Get it together.

Hey, chick. Change. January 2nd, I swear to God, you wear a goddamn three-piece suit or a fucking denim shirt and denim pants, some sort of Canadian tuxedo. You put on, even if you want to put on cargo pants and be a fucking piece of shit and wear like an Oakley t-shirt, you do that. and be a fucking piece of shit and wear like an Oakley t-shirt. You do that. But you don't act like it's the taint when you're past the anus. You understand?

That's it. She walked in like it was fucking December 28th. I didn't like it. And then she sat there with a bunch of other people and had a meeting at the cafe in a onesie and the other people were dressed past the tape they were past the anus past the anus starring michael douglas they killed my wife past the anus every movie michael douglas is like they killed my wife past the anus every movie michael douglas is and he's like they killed my wife i can't help it they killed my wife past the anus starring michael douglas and academy

award nominee tony collette dude when they say wait actually she won didn't she academy by the way if i'm ever nominated for an academy award okay uh i don't ever want that and i don't win i don't ever want them to promote me like i i was a nominee that's like so like and loser tony collette passed the anus they killed my wife. And Michael Douglas. They killed my wife. Never won an Academy Award. Michael Douglas passed the anus.

It's January 2nd, bitch. So anyway, yeah, it's the fucking past the taint of the holidays, so put on a goddamn outfit. You know what I'm talking about? Put on goddamn outfit. Put on goddamn outfit.

Did she win for six cents? Let's talk about how good actually six cents was, and then let's talk about actually fuck that. We're not going to talk about that. You know what we're going's talk about, actually, fuck that. We're not going to talk about that. You know what we're going to talk about? We're going to talk about

how good Unbreakable was. And we're going to talk about how annoying it is that people say it isn't good. Now, a lot of people say it is good. I'm not trying to be like one of those guys that's like, oh, yeah, you know,

I heard like somebody tweeted today, my friend, you know, like that backhanded compliment. I'm not trying to do the backhanded comment. What I'm saying is Unbreakable, a lot of people say it was good. But some assholes, because they think they're interesting or because they don't really know what life is, what's going on and how life is. They pretend they say stuff like, oh, yeah, they love to be like, and Le Chamblon fell off after Sixth Sense. Yeah, no. No, he didn't, by the way.

Unbreakable is so fucking good. It's so good. All right? It's such a good movie. And then Split came out, and it's amazing. And let me tell you something. I can't fucking wait to watch Glass. I can't wait to watch Glass.

Sam Jackson and Bruce Willis in a movie together? In. Can't wait to watch Glass. Sam Jackson and Bruce Willis in a movie together? In. They weren't in Die Hard 4? Dude, why can't I talk? You ever see that kid?

Who's the kid? You know who I'm talking about? What's he say? What is that thing called? I want to play it. We'll never know. One fire, we'll never know. Oh, yeah, if you had a dream, right?

Kid. What? Dream kid? Okay, dream kid. YouTube. Cool how the thing is making the thing. Here we go, this kid. This is how it was for a second.

It's not in. It's not working. One fire. Got one fucking goddamn job. What do you mean? I'm playing it. Hold on. This kid, dude. Have you ever had a dream that you could do so much you could do anything?

Let me tell you something. After watching that, I realized one thing. And I don't mean this in any funny way or hypothetical way or anything like that. After I saw that, you have to understand that's my child. That's my child. That's how cute it is. When that happens, I go like this. That's my kid.

I don't give a fuck whose kid that really is. It's mine now because he's so goddamn cute. You ever see a kid that's so cute and you think, hey, that's not even in a cute not even in a creepy way you're just like you know what that kid belongs to me now i get it you can go home with the fucking person that you know you came out of but just know deep down kid you're my kid now because that's the cutest thing i ever heard in my life also how proud he is at the end of what he says is hilarious. He sits back and smiles. Hey, kid, you fucked this up royally.

Okay? You fucked it up royally. Yeah, no, no. I don't even know. Have you ever had a dream that you had? You do what you want him to do you so much, you could do anything? Yes, I have. I have had a dream where you want him to do you so much that you can do anything, actually, kid. I have had a dream so much that you want him to do you so much that you can do anything actually kid i have had a dream so much that you want him to do you so much that you that you can do anything i mean even if you take the mumbles

out it makes no sense you ever have a dream where you yeah you ever why do kids do that fucking uh so uh would they just get out of a pool what What are they in a fucking cryo chamber? Hey, kid, you in a cryo chamber? Anyway, dude, yes. The answer to that is yes. And you're my child. So anyway, what was I talking about even? Oh, unbreakable.

But before that, I don't know. It doesn't matter what six cents yeah all right anyway uh anyway um my special came out uh or my my thing my episode of of comedians of the world uh and it the response has been awesome. I'm really happy about it. I'm really happy about it, and it's very cool. Netflix put out a Comedians of the World thing. I even tried to watch some of the Comedians of the World in German

just to see what it would be like, and it's fucking interesting, dude. You have to watch it in subtitles, which means it's not really as good because you gotta the the delivery and shit is all is important but it's interesting to watch and it's cool to um it's it's cool to uh i don't know it's cool to see all that shit. But anyway, Netflix put out 47 comedians around the world doing stand-up, and I am one of them, the episodes.

And if you haven't seen it, turn it on yet. A lot of people are saying, like, can't find it. It's because it's under comedians of the world, and I put it on all over my social media. So just also try a little harder. People want shit spoon-fed. They're like, can't find it. They'll type in CH.

Not here. It's not here. Chris Rock came up. Okay, watch that then. I don't give a fuck. I don't want to have to babysit you. But watch it. And then, but the response has been really good.

I shot it about maybe seven months ago, six months ago. And I never know what the – you know, after I shoot it, I forget about it. Like I haven't done that routine since then, around then. Maybe I did it a little bit after that, like for a week. But then I get bored of it because I know it's coming out. So I don't want to do it anymore. So I talk about Australia and my trip to Australia, which I actually talked talked about on the podcast a little bit but i turned it into material and then put it on stage um and it was in an intimate venue there were like 200 people there it was really

cool and uh and i'm glad the way it turned out i didn't watch it again but i just saw a little bit of it because i was like how did this even turn out? And I'm happy with it. But people seem to really like it. I never know what the fuck people are going to say. The Internet's weird, man. People say everything. I mean, somebody – I was just looking today. I got to stop looking. I don't – you know.

You ever talk and you ever know someone to do you so much that you you ever so that you can do anything so um i basically uh i saw this person tweet uh was super bummed that i saw you do this set a year ago at house of blues i it i don't understand how some people do say stuff like that. And I don't get, I don't understand what they think standup is like. You have to, you don't just go on stage and wing it. Do they think, and I think they know that,

right? They have to know that you don't just go on stage and wing it. So, because I, nobody can be that stupid nobody can actually think that uh so do they think you work on it for two weeks or or a month or three months or what because that's not what happens first of of all, and I'm not even

trying to brag, I put out material quicker than anybody. I mean, there are people who put up material as quickly as I do, but nobody really does it as quicker than a year. My last special came out less than a year ago right yeah it came out in like 2018 right or was it over i can't i never know that fucking shit yeah no it came out 2018 it came out in june or was it 2017 it's just oh it came out okay so it came out a year and a half ago. Really? Yeah, so that's when it came out. Okay, so what is it now?

2018. Okay, so a year and a half ago. And on top of that, well, this will add to it, I'm doing a complete new set from the thing that you can see on Netflix. So that's one hour, two hours, two and a half hours. It's crazy how I had to count my fingers for two and a half, but two and a half hours of material in less than two years. Okay.

I mean, people are doing it that quickly. Nobody's doing it quicker than that. So what do people think? I want to know what those people, and it's not the majority. It's the minority that don't understand how stand-up works. But what, how much, what do you think? I want to know somebody out there who's listening to this, or if you have a friend or something,

I want to know what they think it's like. Cause I retweeted that person. I was like, yo, you're a fucking idiot. Like I worked on this cause I only worked on, I worked on this, not only,

but I worked on the set, the Netflix set that just came out in January 2nd. I worked on it for eight months. I worked on it December, January, February, March, April, May, June, July is when I shot it. So that's eight months.

That's, you know, long enough, but that's, you know, that's long enough. And then I dumped it after that. So I want to know, and I don't even mean this in a defensive way. I don't mean this in a fucking. Because I think that most people think that that's that kind of a person that says that is just an idiot. Because they don't know how stand-up works. But I want to know if you are that person. What it actually. What you think stand-up comedy is.

Because there's literally no stand-up comedian. Unless it's a crowd work set that you're going to do. That just comes up on stage and makes shit up for no stand-up comedian, unless it's a crowd work set that you're going to do that just comes up on stage and makes shit up for their stand-up routine. Unless it's, you know, no. I literally don't think it's ever happened in the history of stand-up. So anyway, and if it did, it would be horrible.

Oh, it would be horrible. Anyway, if you are that person let me know it uh but thanks for watching for this special really because i think that uh it you know it's very cool that you'd you'd you'd continue to support me and i do work really fucking hard and it's always nice to hear uh that people are enjoying uh what i'm doing when they do and so thank you for that and you know some people say some really fucking humbling shit like uh and it really like i know i i give off this air of like i don't give a fuck but i i do i really do give a fuck about what you know uh about about my work and um and

so if people are you know i mean some people say nice shit like oh you know i'm battling depression or this and that the other thing that was, Netflix took down an episode of the Patriot Act, which is crazy to me. I understand why they did it. I think they thought there were legal ramifications and their lawyer, they were talking to their lawyers and said they took it down because the government in Saudiia said that they didn't want it in their country because they were making fun of the crown prince or whatever but um man i just think that that's uh what i don't understand is in saudi arabia so the saudi arabian government is like can't make fun of the

fucking prince so we're gonna ban this episode what they don't realize is that's that i guess they don't realize it's just gonna make people watch it more yeah they only banned it there yeah in saudi arabia but like but it's gonna make people want to watch it more it's certainly gonna make people outside of saudi arabia look it up and then in saudi arabia you can still see it on youtube youtube was like nah fuck you guys we'll leave it up. So what the fuck? If I said right now, dude, don't listen to episode 40 of my podcast, the next thing you're doing is going to look at episode 40 of my fucking podcast.

You might even not finish this one. How can you be that stupid and be the fucking government lots of stupid governments out there put that on my fucking tombstone lots of stupid governments out there um so uh yeah i don't know dude but anyway shout to Hasan Minhaj, who's great at what he does, and the Patriot Act. I tweeted the link. Or no, I didn't tweet it, but I was trying to find the link. Oh, no, I did tweet it. I tweeted the link on the YouTube for that episode.

And I was like, if you're in Saudi Arabia specifically, enjoy this. I mean, dude, this is so stupid. I love how people get so outraged about the censorship too the censorship thing too like it's not really that bad if you think about it like i mean in saudi arabia it is but in america people are like nervous about it being in america like yo people can say whatever the fuck they want and then people can be outraged at whatever the fuck they want that's it that's it that's how it is i'm gonna fucking say what i'm gonna say you're gonna get mad they want that's it that's it that's how it is i'm gonna fucking say what i'm gonna say you're gonna get mad okay cool that's america and then i'm gonna say more shit

i mean unless you're fucking that guy who got banned from youtube alex jones right but that's just youtube banning it that's not america saying he can't do it he can do it god that guy that guy looks like he fucking spills mayonnaise from a sandwich on his fucking face all the time. Alex Jones, that guy couldn't look more like he has fucking mayonnaise and mustard on his shirt more than that, more than anyone else in the world. Like your uncle, where you're like, yeah, you got something on your face and he just wipes it to the other side. That's whatlex jones looks like um i don't know you know it's weird to think about too and i was thinking about this the other day it's like how

crazy the time has been in uh america and then how always i was talking to my dad and he was like dude the 60s and 70s or wait the 50s and 60s and 70s he's like we thought the I was talking to my dad and he was like, dude, the 60s and 70s, or wait, the 50s and 60s and 70s. He's like, we thought the world was going to end then too. He was like, we just didn't have the internet. So we didn't know it every second of the day. And I was like, yeah. I mean, it always seems like the world's going to fucking end. It was always seemed like,

remember the song, We Didn't Start the Fire? Everyone thought the fucking world was going to end during that time too. And that was the 80s that was when shit was fucking i mean you don't even hear much about how the world was about to end in the 80s but everyone thought it was going to end then too everyone always thinks the world's going to end i think we're going to be fine here's the thing eventually we're not going to be fine but that's going to be because of some fucking global shit not because of some uh you know uh what do you call it like like some fucking climate shit we're gonna have to move to mars or something you know it's not going to be because of war we'll always figure it out. Or people will be dying.

But America, I feel like, generally, if you live in a big city, because you always hear all these big city people that are just like, oh, what's happening to the world? You do the same shit every day. You know what I'm talking about? How has your life changed if you just live kind of in chicago and you're just chilling you go to work you fucking go to sleep you party you come a little bit and you have a sandwich unless you lost your job because of what you know what the fuck's going on

i understand that but like you hear all these people complaining in hollywood and it's like what i don't know i don't fucking know like somebody will be go fucking somebody will just be like yeah it's fucking crazy what's happening in the world the world's changing and then they just ski that down the mountain on vacation. And you're like, what? By the way, how I was like, how bad? Like, I was trying to think about skiing. I can't remember who I was talking about this with, but they were like, have you ever skied? And I was like, fuck yeah. When I was a kid until I realized what the fuck am I doing?

Standing on blades on ice. Because if you told skiing is the is the richest whitest shit like if you can like i'm it's so white to have a great life and then to do dangerous things for the fuck of it that's why i always say escape rooms are the whitest things it's like. Pretend we're trapped when people are really trapped, you know, but like skiing, dude, is so white. It's unbelievable. First of all, you have a fucking lift take you to the top of the mountain. You bitch. Okay.

Climb up, bitch. Get a fucking ice axe. Climb up, you fucking bitch. All right? So you get a chair. You get a chair in the fucking sky to take you to the top of the mountain, you good for nothing bitch. All right? Then you get to the top. You've got fucking thousand dollar blades on your feet, bitch. And then you fly down a mountain. It takes four seconds. And the rest of the time, you've got to take that lift up. There's not enough fucking action in skiing.

You go down the mountain, it takes four seconds, and then you're on the lift for fucking 12 and a half hours. It's like the flight to Australia. Bitch. Hey, dude, take those. Anytime you got to hold poles to get somewhere, stop, you lazy bitch. Get an ice axe. Stop, you lazy bitch. Get an ice axe.

How about how bitch do people look when you get off the lift, by the way? You can't do it cool. Just standing up and getting off the lift, you couldn't look more bitch than that. You know why? Because you're going the same, for like a few seconds, you're going the same speed. That's why. You're on the lift at a certain speed, and then you get off the same speed. We're watching a video right now where a guy if skiing didn't exist okay and somebody was we were at the top of a mountain or no we were at the bottom of a mountain and somebody was like hey let's go to the top and fucking slide down and put these blades on each foot.

I'd just be like, hey, man, what? That's dangerous as fuck. Why would we do that? And then the guy looks at me and says, fun. I go like this. You're out to lunch, bro. You're, you know what you are? Too white.

You know what you are? Too white. You know what you are? You you know what you are too white you know what you are you're not white you're white when people fucking do that when old guys think they're being correct by going white those kinds of guys same kinds of guys who say jesus instead of jesus white white gross hey if you say white you have bad breath did you know that you do so and then and then they got and then they got a fucking lift to take you up dude you're it's not a sport if you got to take a lift period that'd be like if somebody hit a fucking home run and then they got on a lift and went all around the bases run bitch run two people falling down on skis and then snowboarding dude i went skiing until i got in

until i went on a jump and then i did a what they call is i did the full scorpion which the back of my fucking heels almost touched the back of my head because my chest hit a fucking jump and i i literally thought oh this is it gonna be gonna be dead now it was i'll be like i was like oh got to give my Pog collection to someone. It was then. It was around then. Okay, cool. Dude, by the way, are you with me when I say January 1st, for real, feels like 17 minutes?

I swear to God, it feels like it's the quickest day ever that day if scientists were came around they were like actually the way the world world turns and the way the light is uh technically uh the the light uh the the day is only even though it seems um even though we go through all the hours and the sun does cover all of the space, the day is only 13 hours. I'd say, wow, that's crazy, but I believe it. Maybe it's not about the day being 24 hours all the time. Maybe January 1st is 12 hours. Maybe it's not about time.

It's about the way we perceive it. Welcome to TED Talks. So anyway, it's fucking, it is pretty bonkers how short that day is. Oh, fuck. Soundboard needs to stay open. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. oh fuck soundboard needs to stay open meaning yeah or no yeah or no how about this why can't we do it why can't we play it i can't play it okay cool it's all good can't it one fire. I don't know why this doesn't work, but it doesn't work. It's all good.

So Kanye is for Trump again now? He's for Trump? He was like, oh, I got out of the sunken place. And then he's like, never mind. Psych. I'm back. And he's going to wear the red hat at concerts. I think that guy just is either really crazy or just does it for the reaction. And because he's,

that's the one I got to say, that's the one thing I like about fucking Drake is that his shit is about, I like more than one thing about Drake. I, by the way, I liked her. I'm a Drake fan straight up but he is like one of the only rappers that's that big and it's because of the music you know what i'm talking about

like it's because of his music it's not because of shoes it's not because of fashion it's not because of um what he's saying in the fucking on twitter it's not because of you know who we married or his family drake's just fucking putting out good music but these guys like kanye and even migos i mean which people they love the music it's just like but they're it's about him buying you know they oh migos bought this chain migos did that or fucking quavo is breaking up with the girl or by the way is it quavo that's going out with cardi b one of them i think it's quavo dude when he went to the fucking he's just a creep creepy guy actually like he how he went to the fucking, he's just a creepy guy, actually.

Like, how he went to, she went to, was it that Rolling Loud? She was headlining at that, and she was like the first female performer ever to, oh, no, it's Offset that dates her. It doesn't matter, you know, at all. Oh, is it, here's something that's never important hey is it quavo or offset either you know who's dating cardi b either of them it's oh it's quavo hey you know what no it's not it's quavo i don't give a fuck it's quavo i don't give a fuck quavo you know quavo is fuck you enough no no no it's quavo yeah where are we france is it the french version of it where are we in fucking france am i on a veranda anyway offset Anyway, Offset. Heh. Doesn't matter.

He's dating Cardi B or married to her. And he can't stop cheating or whatever. Which is hilarious. It's not hilarious. But. So she is like the headliner. And then he came with a sign and like interrupted it and was like, I'm sorry. Like, dude, you're not like this isn't a fucking John Hughes movie. Like just.

The. The three members are directly related and were raised together quavo is takeoff's uncle and offset is quavo's cousin i mean hey dude okay so hold on let me read that again. Imagine trying to make sense of it. Okay. Quavo is Takeoff's uncle. Okay. So Quavo, if Quavo is Takeoff's uncle, then that means Takeoff's dad. It's maybe Takeoff's dad's brother.

Okay. And Offset is Quavo's dad. It's maybe take off dad's brother. Okay. And offset is Quavo's cousin. Okay. Okay. You know what? Honestly, to all that, okay. Because I literally learned something on January 2nd that was the least important thing I learned all year. I didn't know they were related though.

That's pretty cool, I guess. Also, how is he his uncle when they're the same age? You know? Black guys will be like, my uncle's younger than me. White guys too though though, you know? White guys, like southern white guys,

they'll be like, hey, I'm 35, yeah? Meet my uncle. And the uncle will be like, hi, I do poopy. And you're like, oh, that's not your kid? Nah. Hell nah. My dad, he's my dad's brother. Hell nah, he's my dad's brother.

He's four. I do poopy. Yeah, but my dad, what happened was, what happened was, my dad got remarried, nutted in a girl, and then had that baby uncle. So, it's my uncle. He kind of keeps me in check, tells me what to do, And then I wipe his ass when he shits his diaper. Uh-oh. Sorry, I got to take my uncle into the other room. He made a stanker.

Anyway. Hey, my grandpa. My grandpa. Hey, this is my grandpa.'s nine what the fuck how does that even make sense hey because i'm from the real south and i'm white as shit um asians don't do that at all asians have straight up lineage it lineage that just fucking works the fuck out and let me tell you something too if you're asian and your great-grandfather isn't alive you're not asian because asians have those motherfuckers alive and they live with you too.

Japanese motherfuckers. 35% of Japanese people. They're great. Great. Grandpa is alive and they're 101 and it goes like this. They're great. Great. Grandpa is 101. Their great grandpa is 84.

Their grandpa is 60 their dad is uh 40 and then they're 20 and that's just how it is man and then they also have a kid that's fucking four and that kid has a great great great grandpa so that's asian as shit and they don't and they and they only they never take advice from whoever's younger than them they always just take advice from whoever's the oldest i want to have a ted talk where i do that and it's not jokes and i talk seriously about it and people believe it but that's some asian shit asians would be like you have have uncle that is younger than you? Meet my uncle, boy. It's my uncle.

Hi, I do poopy. How is it possible for your uncle? My dad nutted in his new wife. My dad nutted in his new wife. And that's my... Wait, that would make him your brother. My dad nut... Wait his new wife, and that's my... Wait, that would make him your brother. My dad nut... Wait, would it?

Yeah. My dad... Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm getting all the fucking... Who cares? We're just talking about Offset and Quavo. But Offset... Well, I mean...

But Offset fucked it all up, man. So he cheated, and then he fucking keeps fucking it up more. But they got a kid, though. You got to try and work it out for the kid, you know. Imagine your dad's name was Offset, though. Probably got probs. All right, so. All right, so.

Should we do some, what do you call it? What do they call them? Craigslist ads? Misconnections? Zoom it in. It's time for Craigslist for tina valley what this guy's subject looking for tina hit me up if you got any what's tina we gotta look that up in urban dictionary or some shit tina tina slang tina, it's a drug?

Oh. Meth. T. The drug of choice is typically methamphetamine known as Tina or T, but other drugs are also used.

What? Tina. Tweak. Right? It says that here okay anyway he's looking for tina so if you got tina hit him up some chick named tina hey uh cupcake needed quickly i mean oh cupcake ew quickly oh dude i need i need a bunch of guys to come on my girl's face.

Hurry up! My girl wants to get cucked. Today is her birthday and we don't have much time. Hey, guy, first of all, relax. You can do it tomorrow. She wants me to have fun with another girl and... Ew. And come inside her for her birthday?

Oh, now I get why he doesn't have much time, because she's probably like, it has to happen today, and he's like, really? I can do it? She is shy and not sure if she wants to join or just hear about it. I'm 20, hung, 5'7", short, dark hair and tan, okay? Need a girl ASAP. Any type will do. Desperate. Hey, I'll take whatever, man.

I mean, what? Hey, you got problems in your relationship. Dude, my girl wants to get cucked she wants me to comment i mean like uh talked her into it uh another one where are they one fire where are they one fire oh my god dude the title of this one used to rub you valencia used to take care of all your aches and pains like to do it again me white male 56 year old 510 200 pounds do not contact me with unsolicited service.

I used to rub you. Dude, how do you lose a guy's number you used to rub? You know? Hey, man. Hey, my phone crashed. Got to go on Miss Connections. Down low, brother. West Adams. I would love to meet the gardener that cut the grass next door

maybe after work you can come over to my house and drink a beer with me i'm the black guy that live alone and always outside watching you and i'm always down to meet someone new talk to you later i mean you're talking about fucking you know just say. This is Craigslist misconnection. He's like, yeah, let's just have a beer. Hey, you don't need to be cagey. It's okay. Oh, this guy writes. It's okay to contact this post poster with services or commercial interests. I was looking for a job to a you want to fuck or you want me to mow your lawn?

Hey, you want to fuck or do you need some fucking or do you need some shelf built? Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Go to that one. Come on, dude. You don't. One fire almost get by this one. And it's a really good Latin chub bottom. Mail for mail.

Hey, calling yourself a chub is kind of like just cashing out, you know? Hey, you know what? I was talking to my friend once, Ryan, and he was like, you know what? I sometimes flirt with, he's real thin now, but he was like, I sometimes flirt with just being a fat guy. Fuck it. I'm just saying give up and just eat whatever and just forget work. Because that's got to be a load off your mind. saying give up and just eat whatever and just forget work because that's got to be a load off your mind if you're just a guy and you're like fluctuating and you're like you know i work out

and i think about what i eat but it will be way less stressful to just be a fat guy and say fuck it and not worry about it not work i don't have to work out this way my day is open for that for you know for i got two more hours where i don't have to do shit and i don't have to stress about what i mean i'm just gonna be a fat guy and fuck it that's the guy to be like to then to be like to succumb and say hey you know what i'm a i'm a latin chub fuck it so he writes hey guys latin chub bottom here 26 64 height looking for some fun tonight. I'll be free after work after 9 p.m. Please be able to host. Wow. Humans are amazing, you know?

They always have like a documentary that's like on some shit. They're like humans are amazing and they can jump forever and they can swim and they can fucking do anything. How about the fact that you can just be a bottom, go over some guy's house, get blasted in and call yourself a chub? Where's that episode, Netflix? Where's that fucking episode? You chub? Where's your Netflix episode? Hey, chub.

Why aren't you episode four on Humans Are Amazing? Fuck this. National Geographic needs to do an episode on this latin chub amazing um here's another one last one and then we'll call it a day huh flaming saddle west hollywood course is there anything more flaming more west hollywood than flaming saddle um you were the guy in the beanie i was the guy in the tie first of all these guys they got to figure out what the dress code was because they are complete opposites. They obviously weren't out of function.

We kept eyeing each other, but something held me back. Did it hold you back too? So not sexy the way he wrote it. So wanted to be fucking poetic and sexy. So was the opposite of that. You were the guy in the beanie that you were the guy in the beanie i was the guy in the tie we kept eyeing each other but something held me back did it hold you back too do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers hey if you're the guy in the tie oh if you're

the guy in the beanie dude hit this guy up flaming saddle west hollywood unbelievable okay anyway uh how about i got twitter questions bow cherry at we get it in nice i got a two-part question for you we getting it we getting it in. That's because of what I said in the podcast, right? We getting it in, motherfuckers? I hope so. Otherwise, change it. I got a two-part question for you.

One, if you were on death row, what would your last meal be? I mean, dude. Probably just some... That's a good question. Fun dip? And I just fucking spray it all over so they'd have to clean that shit up. Just all sorts of colorful powder so the guards would have to clean it up. Or I'd hold it in my hands and then I'd fucking throw it in their eyes.

Spices. So I could do that shit. Like I did to fucking Morgan Doizaki when I was a kid. I took the salt and I said, you want to see my ninja dust? And he said, yeah. I said, no. And I said, well, do you want to see it? And he says, well, what is it? I said, well, I can't tell you.

I have to show you. And he says, well, what the fuck is it? And I was like, do you want to see my ninja dust or not? He said, well, okay, fine then. And I threw the salt in his eyes and he goes, oh, what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck is it and i was like do you want to see my ninja dust or not he said well okay fine then and i threw the salt in his eyes and he goes oh what the fuck you're doing what are we doing what the fuck you're doing dude so shitty that i did that but i was 13 and i'm sorry morgan it was at la cabanita at a mexican restaurant And I threw fucking salt in my best friend, who's a Japanese guy's face, who for sure had a great-great-grandpa living. And I threw it in his eyes.

And he said, what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? And the other time he said, what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? I scored a point on our own goal because we were in soccer together. And he fucking was the goalie and i was defense and i tried to do a bicycle kick and it went in his goal and he said what the fuck you doing what the fuck you doing there's the only two times i ever heard what the fuck you doing

from morgan dezaki is when i threw salt in his eyes and scored on their own goal sorry i'm sorry mostly about the salt thing but whatever who cares about ayso soccer two-par, what would be your preferred method of execution? And then he writes some morbid. Um, I don't know. Fuck jumping. Can't do that. But I would,

I would ask to jump off the top because at least then you'd feel fuck. At least it's a different experience. You'd be like, Whoa, Whoa. Firing squad. That's be like, whoa. Firing squad? That's what you'd pick? Why?

One fire says firing squad. One firing squad. Dude, who the fuck? I wouldn't want that. Why wouldn't you want lethal injection over that? No? No? Lethal injection is painful?

Firing squad would be ill ill that is a good point you would it would be ill i wouldn't want guillotine though because then you'd see your head coming off you you're alive for like two seconds after that you'd see your head you'd see the basket coming up to your face. And you'd still go like this. Because you couldn't. I bet you'd try to go to move your hands. I mean, what the fuck must that feel like? You'd try to go to move your hands to cover your face,

but you wouldn't have your hands anymore. And you'd just be like. The last thing you'd fucking. Your face would hit that fucking basket that you could just buy at like crate and barrel or some shit you know some fucking carrying basket Jesus

I don't know firing squad is kind of ill though but what if they like missed a little bit and then you're just like bleeding i don't know what i don't want to happy new year guys you know um all right i'm out of here dude we had one sponsor today so the show was still the same length i was going to make it shorter but it wasn't because i enjoy talking to you guys uh thank you so much guys download the crystalia app to watch the first

five first 10 minutes of of each uh episode live um and the new merch is being restocked very soon follow the store on twitter at crystalia store we're constantly uh uh restocking uh it got crazy limited because of the Christmas, because of the holidays, I understand. But subscribe, rate, and review the show. Tweet me by using the handle congratspod. Please rate and review the show. It really helps. And it's on YouTube.

Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Watch it on YouTube. And watch my new special under Comedians of the World on Netflix. And have a good 2019, everyone who's listening. Take care, guys. Thank you.