Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 102. Doodie News

Episode Date: January 7, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about a video of R. Kelly in Ethiopia. Also discussed: the Apple TV Remote, makeup contouring, Xerxes, Missed Connections, and a story about french fries. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. What's up, my babies? Yeah, turn mine up too, just a little bit. You guys, it's episode 102. What the fuck?

How the fuck did we keep doing this for 102 weeks? But it's episode 102 of Congratulations, and it's on, dude. Now, what we got, you know, look, life's about change. It really is. And anyone who tells you life's not about change, those people are, you know what those people are? They're not human. They're rocks. And even rocks change. You got to think about this, right?

Over the time, rocks change, things change. But this podcast is the personification of change. Because the life, the light, of all is different if you're looking at the new uh the new part the new the video the new podcast room uh it's the light's changing we when we changed it to make it better because it wasn't good and well it wasn't not good it wasn't not good but it's better now and uh also uh you know uh i can't remember what else but there was something else that was changing. And anyway, I was going to lead with that, but totally fucked it all up.

So it's all good. We are getting the new. I thought that the guy was going to come and install the shit for the sound the other day, but he didn't. So he's coming in tomorrow, I think, or the next day to do it. So the sound is going to sound fucking pristine next episode. and uh st louis i'm coming to st louis i'm coming to uh louisville and indiana indianapolis this weekend uh some of the shows are sold out i think there's some left on st louis uh because i'm playing a big venue so uh go get those tickets and uh meet up with the cult fucking and let's do this man uh i'm live on my app here they get the they get the fucking shit first uh i got the tattoo i got a

tattoo i added to my tattoo um dr wu he was so good man the detail on this fucking eagle uh i got the eagle under the under the under the fire here on the video podcast you might be able to see it on my app here but um the uh the eagle is tired even though he's fucking trucking through life he doesn't look tired he's like me after i drink my americano so that's what's up so um and uh yeah man so i was by the speaking of americanos i was at the coffee shop and this guy came up to me and i just fucking knew it sometimes you can tell when a guy's just gonna fucking come through in the most backhanded way. First of all, here's a, and I mean this, and I know this makes like almost zero sense,

but oh, by the way, I have a fucking stain on my shin, in my, on my pants, and it's on the video podcast. And I was like, I was about to change it. I was about to change my pants before the video but i was like you know what dude you motherfuckers need to know what's up that's how it is and i don't you know even though life is about change you got to see me how i am so i didn't change my pants for you guys and it looks like somebody wiped their fucking asshole uh with my shin so that's cool anyway uh or uh so anyway um what the fuck was i trying to say what was i saying oh yeah here's here's how

you know uh some people are going to be backhanded to you if if you're in hollywood and people are coming up if if they both there were two guys came out to me they both look the same you for some reason if they look like versions of each other you know i don't know what it is because it's like i didn't look like them but they looked like each other and they were like versions of each other, you know, I don't know what it is. Cause it's like, I didn't look like them, but they looked like each other. And they were like, Oh, this guy doesn't look like us. So we're going to have to fucking take them down a peg. And he came up and he was like, Hey man, dude, I got to tell you, dude. He was like, Hey Chris, he's like, you probably don't remember me, but I come up to you sometimes I seen you before. And I said, I was a big fan, dude. I'm just, I'm such a big fan. I really am. Dude. So funny.

You're drunk girls thing. I was like, Oh, man i really appreciate that he was like yeah dude i showed it to my girlfriend i was like oh here we go here we go hey i don't need a story are you giving me a compliment i don't need a story dude if you're gonna compliment me hey you know what compliments don't start with? Once upon a time. Dude, he came up to me and he was like, yeah, so I showed you stuff to my girlfriend. This can't go better than it already went. You know what I'm talking about?

He already came up and said he was a big fan. He loves my stuff. Singled out a bit. Cool. Great. cool great thanks bye my hands are tied now for cunts turn around okay so i was like uh he said yeah i showed it to my girlfriend and she was like that's not funny and we got into a huge argument i said oh cool man i love hearing when people think i'm not funny and he goes like this oh that literally that's what he did and i stared at him i stared at him because he made this and i stared right into him but he made it it's not my fault what the fuck that's what happens you feel it otherwise

i have to feel it judo baby you take the fucking momentum and you fucking swing it right back that's judo baby that's conversational judo ah yeah man don't fuck with me man you know life is martial arts but uh but yeah so he did that and i fucking and and my my irish buddy was with me and he was like oh it's fucking crazy how many people come up to you. This is just a little. And I don't know what he said because he fucking can't understand shit. Change your fucking the way you talk, dude. You're in America.

You know what I mean? When I'm with him and he says something to somebody, I'm like, here comes a what, dude? Here comes a what? I know they're going to say what. You should know even more than that because you're you and it happens more therefore clean it up clean up the way you're saying it hey diction so he just goes and people say what and he says and then i gotta be like oh he's talking about your fucking shoes or something

oh yeah okay cool and then they say is that a fake accent always with him because it sounds ridiculous it sounds so articulous anyway dude what's up dude i got the i got the fucking wouldn't make a dent shirt on you can get at the fucking chris delia store dude you know why because it's 2019 i haven't put this shirt on you can get at the fucking chris delia store dude you know why because it's 2019 i haven't put this shirt on but i need motherfuckers to know that 2019 is dentless dude you got a fucking bank account in 2019 guess what that shit is pristine and dentless dude you gotta go fucking use your apple pay and it's fucking and it wouldn't make dude i went to a fucking coffee bean today i've i fucking bought some coffees and some yogurts and shit and it didn't make a fucking dent dude now i know that's only like you know eleven dollars but still dude it feels good

to go use apple pay and have it not make a fucking dent walk into the coffee bean with a pristine with your bank account in pristine condition and leave the coffee bean with your bank account dentless in pristine condition, dude. Do you know what I'm talking about? Go ahead. Give me the fucking backhanded compliments. My shit is still dentless. Dude. But that's what's up, man, you know?

I don't know, man. But what I do know is, speaking of Apple Pay, what I do know is, hey, what's worse? What's worse? What's worse? Having to clean up diarrhea all over a kitchen floor or the Apple TV remote. What's worse? What's worse? What's worse? I'd rather clean up diarrhea on my linoleum floor than have to use the Apple TV remote. Go fuck yourself, Apple TV. Oh, you're trying to

make it cool? We're not ready yet. The world isn't ready yet. First of all, why do we want remote controls to be smaller? We lose them anyway. You don't need the remote control to be the size of one fire's dick. You don't need them to be that big, dude. You don't need them to be that big because it's a remote control. You can just grab it. It can be that big. And you press the buttons.

It can be that big and you press the buttons and I don't ever need the remote controls to be. I don't ever need the remote controls to be fucking. What do you call it? Touch touch, dude. That's the what is this minority report? Go fuck yourself with the shit where you can just like swipe it and Apple TV, make physical buttons. Do you know why? Because if I'm wearing short sleeve shirts and the Apple remote is next to me in my bed and then I, and then I lean over and my skin touches it, I fucking fast forward the second episode of you on Netflix. And I'm trying to watch this stalker deal with this check. It's bullshit, man.

I don't need the fucking Apple TV remote to be the size of Juan fires dick. And I don't need it to be touch. Okay. It's like the most sensitive. Every time I, it's the most sensitive fuck. It's like a premature ejaculation remote is what it is. You touch it and every, and the warmth of your skin.

Dude, I hate it so much. And then the volume, you're always like, come on, come on, come on, because the volume is a physical button. Dude, it's the worst, man. Apple, you don't need to. See, that's the thing. They feel like they need to keep changing because if they don't keep changing, then they're not being, quote, unquote, innovative, and then people are like, well, where's the thing. They feel like they need to keep changing because if they don't keep changing, then they're not being, quote, unquote, innovative.

And then people are like, well, where's the new shit? But it doesn't need you. If it ain't broke, don't fix, man. A remote control is not something you ever need to update. It's just fucking put the buttons on it and that's good. And everyone agrees with me. There's no fucking way somebody thinks that's cool. The Apple remote TV, Apple TV remote.

It's so bullshit there's two buttons and and they have a mouse pad on it hey don't have a mouse pad on your remote control dude turn around apple and it's so it's it's so sucker shit, too, because when you take out the Apple TV, you're like, whoa, cool, whoa, look at this remote. Whoa, cool, dude. It fits in my anus. It fits in my anus.

It won't even hurt. And then you start using it. You start rolling all over bed and shit. And it's like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, bo's like... And all of a sudden you're watching fucking the world's most dangerous prisons. How many the world's most dangerous prisons TV shows are there going to be, by the way? How many? How many are there? 30?

No, there's more. How many the world's most dangerous prisons are there? They have the world's most dangerous Russian prisons. They have the world's most dangerous Serbian prisons. The world's most dangerous prisons in fucking Antarctica. There's nobody even there. They just locked up a bunch of penguins and Santa. The world's most dangerous fucking prisons on Pluto.

a fucking prisons on Pluto. It's like, Oh my God, I'm in here for, I'm in here for 13 Zargons. I am serving my 13 Zargons term. I am hoping to get a parole. How many do they have to be?

And they're always like, they're always like, I watched the Russian one and they're always like, he's like, you know what? I don't like, I don't like, I don't like the serial killers they're always like, he's like, you know what? I don't like the serial killers that are playing it for the TV. You know what I'm talking about? Like, just be, look, if you're a serial killer and you did it, you did it.

You did it. You don't have to act any certain way. The second you start acting a certain way, you're not creepy, bro. Stop it. Relax, serial killer. You did it. You're the creepiest. You don't have to act extra. It's like wearing too much makeup as a chick. You already got all the stuff that makes me go boy.

I. Hey, babe. Why do you need to put all that makeup on? You already got all the stuff that makes me go bracka cack cack you already got me a squirty boner now why are you putting ruby red lipstick on when i already went boy or bracka cack cack that's for you. Do this contour shit? Bro, what? Hey, are you a canvas? Huh?

Uh, contouring? See ya. Put a little bit of foundation on, put a little bit of fucking blush on, go to lunch. That's it. What do you need to be putting that fucking shiny shit under your eye?

And then fucking shading it like this, like you're a fucking Apache Indian. And then just, hey, you're painting your face. If you do that, put on a kimono, go do Kabuki theater. See ya. Yeah, I don't know. I need to do that to put on a kimono, go do kabuki theater. See ya. Yeah, I don't know. I need to do that to my abs, though. I need to do that to my abs and just strut around. But gain a little weight first, though.

Do you know what I'm talking about? Gain a little weight and then just start walking around with fucking killer shaded abs. And girls are like, ew. And I go, it's like your face. See ya. Girls go, ew. I go like this go it's like your face see ya girls go ew i go like this it's like your face bitch and just listening to fucking 80s songs with a walkman um yeah you're trying to make dudes go bracka-ka-kack-kack, put on less makeup. That's all. And that's a fucking, you know what that is, dude.

Hey. You're trying to make dudes go bracka-ka-kack-kack, put on less makeup. You're trying to make dudes go boy-oy-oying? Stop making your face look like an Apache Indian. You're trying to give dudes squirty boners? Hey, take off that kabuki makeup. I'm Chris D'Elia. I approve this message.

I'm running for mayor. Dude, I want to buy airspace and do that for real. Not even when it's time to vote for mayors. Just like after they did it three months. And then it'd be like, didn't they already vote for mayors? God damn, dude. There's videos of men contouring their abs, dude. Guy, work out and eat lettuce.

What are you doing? 300 fucked everything up. That movie 300 fucked everything up. That movie 300 fucked everything up. Guys, remember when that movie came out? Guys were just like, dude, you see this fucking guy? You see his body? Yeah, man. They painted it.

They CGI'd fucking 40 abs right above his bathing suit line. And then they painted it they painted it and then they fucking cgi'd it remember that fucking persian guy in 300 and he was so like flamboyant and so tall and then he talked like this that was the creepiest let. If I saw that when I was 12, I would have had the biggest nightmares of all time. Let's look it up. Let's look it up.

The Persian guy in 300. 300. Persian. It was actually the scariest thing. Here. Look at this. Look at actually the scariest thing. Here. Look at this. Look at the videos people make. Look at the videos people make.

Here we go. Thermopylae. Here we go. Listen to this guy's voice. It scared the shit out of me. When I was a kid, this would scare the shit out of me. This would. Yeah.

Because he comes down all gay and shit. Like he's got no... How much does what's-his-name look like a fucking... What's-his-name? This guy, the lead of it? Gerard Butler? That's his name? How much does he...

He looks like such a guy that just gets fat in between shoots. Like Russell. He's got the Russell Crowe effect. Go on. Let me guess. So there he is. that just gets fat in between shoots. He's got the Russell Crowe effect going. So there he is. Look, so gay. The guy comes down. He's got lipstick on.

He's contouring in shit, by the way. So many people. Scariest guy in the whole world. Nine feet tall. This guy should have won Best Actor. Best Supporting Actor. Mm-hmm. Slammed him. They had some ancient slams back then. Did you hear that one? kill any of my own men for victory. And I would die for any one of mine. You Greeks think pride in your logic. They had some ancient slams back then.

Did you hear that one? Ancient slam, and he knew it. This is the first slam in history. Imagine what horrible fate awaits my enemies when I would gladly kill any of my own men for victory. And I would die for any one of mine. Ancient slam.

Fucking Leonidas slam. Leonidas, dude. I got to have a son and name him Leonidas. How fucking annoying would that be in kindergarten? Dave, here. Richard, here. Zach, here. Leonidas.

Hi. Xerxesxes you know i'm gonna name my kids xerxes who's the guy who played the persian guy what's his name thermopylae that's him that's not him it's thermopylae therm It's Thermopylae? Thermopylae? Thermopylae? Thermopoly? Monopoly?

Thermopoly? Oh, Xerxes? Xerxes. Imagine being in class, I'm going to name my kid Xerxes and teach him to talk like that. David? Yeah. Here? Steven? Here? Katie? Here? like that david yeah here uh steven here katie here zach here um xerxes here just a fucking baby with jewels all over him. And a fucking super tan with no shirt on and just fucking cool neck, like golden neck collars.

And he's so fucking privileged. I don't want to do my homework. I have men that will do it. I don't want to do my homework. I have men that will do it. A baby? Here. Let's go play kickball.

Men, get out there. Win this game. Xerxes. I mean, you know, a more confusing name to spell than Xerxes. X-E-R-X-E-S. You know what Xerxes. X-E-R-X-E-S. You know what Xerxes sounds like? A fucking shop at the mall that you're like, how is this still in goddamn business? And it's next to Orange Julius and Club Monaco.

And they sell fucking black clothes and tan clothes, and that's it it and you're like how how the fuck is this still in business dude and they have some clothes that are black and tan and you're like nobody would wear that but you see fucking you would literally see like only persians wearing it and then in like an interview you'd see like jean favreau wear it and you'd be like what he shops at xerxes and he'd be like when i was directing iron man 2 and you'd be like what he shops at xerxes and he'd be like when i was directing iron man 2 and you'd be like that's that why is he wearing that fucking shit from xerxes wow absolutely why do you listen to this podcast dude you know what are you guys doing i make up a fucking fairy tale tra la la shit and you guys

but it is what it is i got my fucking tattoo and i'm good i'm happy it's an eagle i already talked about it i don't know let's see see what I got. Dude, you know what? Actually, let me do these fucking ads and then I'll get into this story I want to tell you, which is absolutely nothing, but it means so much to me, dude. So, yeah. So here's something that, this is what I really wanted to talk about on the podcast. This is very, very stupid and very me and very important. So here's what I want to talk about. All right.

So I was at a restaurant, a diner, actually, that I like to go to. I like to go all the time. Me and the fellas, we go after doing a show. And we have a good time. And we go and we laugh. And by the way, dude, when I'm at this diner, or if I'm at a diner, it doesn't need to be this diner, any diner. After I do shows and I'm with other people that are friends, other headliners, other openers, other whoever, it doesn't matter. Even open micers that I like.

It doesn't matter. We have a fucking silly goose time and that's it. And it's fun. And we laugh and we cry laughing and we make fun of each other because we're guys. And when you're guys, you can roast. And when you're chicks, you can roast too. But if you have too many chicks with you, eventually someone's going to get their feelings hurt because vagina. And it's all good, but that's how it is. Usually not trying to generalize, but I am. Okay. If you got an Audi in your fucking downstairs area, meaning a cock, you usually can bust and occasionally somebody's feelings get hurt

but when that happens you you know what i mean you make fun of the guy even harder okay because we're ruthless now i go to this diner and i i'm with four of the guys that i go to this diner a lot with. Okay. I got my opener, Mike, who's sitting there probably thinking dumb shit. Like, ah, it's crazy how birds can fly and we don't fly,

you know? And then I've got my Irish buddy, Mark, who's probably thinking, Oh, okay. And I've got Craig who sounds like this and has the the most French laugh of all time because he goes, okay. And then there's Joe.

And Joe is so from Chicago, it makes all the bears on the football team go like this. Wow, that guy's the most from Chicago. Okay? Now, also, the thing about Joe is he looks, he couldn't look more like he's from Chicago. He also, for some reason, always looks like he's wearing a backpack even when he's not. Do you understand? If I was writing a novel about this guy, in the opening page, there would be like, and there stood Joe Morisi.

Looked like he had a backpack on even though he never wore a backpack really unless he was at an airport but even when he wasn't at the airport he looked like he was wearing a backpack something about his shoulders and then i would start describing like the fucking fields in the clouds or some shit because it's the novel and novels do that way too much hey Hey, novels, get it together. Alright? So, one of the reasons why I go to this diner is I like the food. Who knew? I love the

ambiance. I love the people there know me. They know my orders and shit. I love the food. Okay? That's the main reason, though. Food and ambiance is why I go. If you're a waiter or a waitress, you can be a dick to me as long as the food and the ambiance is why i go if you're a waiter or waitress you can be a dick to me as long as the food and the ambiance is good or if you're really nice and the food is good the

ambiance can suffer a little bit you get there's these three things that i like so this restaurant has all of them all right now joe guy from chicago looks like he's always wearing a goddamn backpack for some reason. Like his mom was a white woman and his dad was a Jan Sport. Like that's what, that's, and so he came out and he's like a fucking guy with a, anyway. You know, he looks like a turtle. Like he's got a shell, like this fucking guy. All right? I don't know what, he's got, if he worked out, it looks like he goes and works out his lats a little too much. Anyway, I'm just painting a picture okay so we get we get i get my i get a chicken sandwich which

is one of my hot shits one of the hot shits i order all the time i get the chicken sandwich or i get the breakfast burrito or i get a breakfast sandwich these are my hot shits that i get i i rarely stray from it sometimes i get a fucking vegan burrito but these are the hot shits i get chicken sandwich this is one of the hot shits I get. All right? So I'm getting the chicken sandwich. And you know what I like also? The fries.

Okay? So they drop the plate, and I notice that the fries are different. All right? Now, I love the fries. It's one of the reasons why I go to this fucking, because I love the food, and part of the food are the fries. Now, everybody at the table, we all like the fries. That's why we go. These fries are different. Okay? Joe, Mr. fucking phantom backpack wearer from Chicago, says,

now, let me also tell you another thing about this guy. He's one of those guys that, you know, guys that are always trying to rub it in your fucking face that like love food too much like i don't give a fuck how much you like food oh you're a foodie i don't give a shit oh you like putting food in your face oh okay let's talk about anything else oh you like to oh yeah uh when you were in paris you had some good meals ah cool hey do me a favor kiss my taint okay i don't care nice good good job oh you had a burger cool you know so this guy's always he's got a fucking thing on instagram he you know it's it's a tongue-in-cheek it's a funny thing but he says it's called joe eats and he does a fucking thing he's like i'm eating a burger from shake shack haven't had you know haven't had shake shack yet heard a lot about it gonna eat it and then he eats it he's like

it's really good and it's called joe eats hey you know anyway um so so the they come down, the fries are different, and Joe, with his fucking always commenting on food bullshit, he says, Ah, I got different fries. They look good. Okay. Blood-curdling anger. Now let me explain. Now let me explain me here, okay? First of all, he's doing the thing that he always does talking about food.

Now, step one, I take, I take one step up to anger heaven. Do you understand me? I'm taking one step up to anger heaven. Okay. Because he's doing the thing he always does. That is that you just, if you don't hate your friends, you ain't shit. You understand what I'm saying? When your friends,

you know, if your friend like likes, if your friend like loves blazers or some shit, and then you see him walk in with a new blazer and you don't hate him for that a little bit, you ain't shit. Okay. Yeah. I understand he's your friend.

You love him, but you gotta be like, ah, this shit. Okay? Yeah, I understand he's your friend. You love him. But you got to be like, ah, this fucking guy with his blazers. Always with his blazers. He got a new fucking tweed blazers with the patches on. Go fuck yourself, dude. You ain't shit if you don't think that. All right? And you know.

Okay? So that's it. All right? So now this guy's doing his thing. Ah, his fries look good. Now, one step towards anger. Heaven. Okay? ah, those fries look good. Now, one step towards anger. Heaven, okay?

And the waitress goes like this. Oh, yeah, they're just temporary. We're going to get the old fries back soon, in about a week. But we got these now. And he says, oh, they look good. Second step to anger heaven. Okay, so actually third step. That's the second step when she says they're temporary, okay? Third step to anger heaven. Okay. So actually third step. That's the second step when she says they're temporary. Okay.

Third step to anger heaven. Okay. So now let me tell you, second step, she says they're temporary. So now she says they're temporary because she thinks, oh, Joe thinks they look good.

So now she's going to fucking think that these, she's going to think about these in a favorable way. Now, we like the fries already. Now, they're new fries. He hasn't tried them at all. He just said they look good. Now, she's got that positive shit. She could go back into the kitchen and be like, hey, fries are a hit.

And she doesn't under, now, so I say to this, I say, Joe, are you fucking kidding me, dude? You just said these fries look good. Now, she's going to go back with that positive energy. And maybe, what if she mentions it to the fucking cook? And we like, let me ask, do you like the fries? Do you like the fucking fries here all the time? And he says, oh, yeah, they're good. I just thought these ones look good.

I said, but you didn't try them. So now when she came back, I said, hey, these fries are temporary, right? And she said, yeah. I said, oh, good, because I love the other fries. And then she walked away. And I said, I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to have to do that. But I had to fucking do that because I had to level out his idiocy with just blindly saying the fries look good when you didn't even fucking.

Who gives a shit what food looks like? So I'm like, I had to fucking save the day and be like, yeah. And he was like, I'm just saying it. Look, I don't see the problem. And I said, yeah, okay, well, let me explain something to you. When you get the fries here, when you get the fries here, do you ever leave any of the fries on the plate? And he says, no. And I said, then what the fuck are you doing

you're a cuda bro i looked at him right in his face i said you're a cuda i don't even know if he knows what that means he does know what it means because you know he's my buddy but dude that's a cuda move to just see new fries bro to just see new fries and get excited what are you a baby what are you six dude if it ain't broke don't fix okay it was like the end of fucking injustice for all dude i murdered him bro and he understood i'm a good lawyer when it comes to being at a diner i'm a good lawyer i represent fries i'm a good lawyer i represent dude fries need do you need a union representation fries i'm here for you man guys just blindly say oh they look good and they didn't even taste them and i I fucking gave him one. And he goes, oh, they're too hot. Yeah, man. Well, it looks like you fucked up, man.

If I go back there and they have those fries, I'm going to make Joe eat all of them. All of them. All of them. I'm going to get a fucking whole side of them. I'm going to watch him do it. He's like, oh, I don't really eat carbs on the weekdays. He's one of those guys.

Yeah, I eat bread only on the weekends. Oh, really? You eat bread on the weekends? Yeah. And then fucking Thursday, I'll catch him slipping, dude. I'll catch him slipping. I'll see. He fucking eats a little bit of a bun. I see, dude. You know what you got? You know what you got in your backpack? Bread. That's what you got, dude. Phantom backpack. anyway, what is the fucking thing, oh, we're at 40 minutes already, wow, I guess I should do the second one here, or whatever, dude, you know what, fly by the seat of the pants, this is the podcast, pants this is the podcast dude i'm enjoying myself man i am enjoying myself boogie nights we know dude i have notes in my thing i wrote this i don't i this has been on here for weeks and I never remember what it means.

I sort of got, uh, it's called, this is the note I wrote. Gotta do a duty moon. You do write it to me. How do you know what that is? One far as I go,

I know what it is. Is it i go i know what it is is it a viral thing what is it really wow i don't even remember seeing it um gotta do a duty moon news duty he types in google news duty dude one fire just types in news duty oh fucking shit you greeks take pride in your logic you greeks take pride in your logic. You Greeks take pride in your logic. I gotta teach my fucking kid to talk like that. Hello, Daddy. I'd love to have some cereal.

What would you like? Cheerios or for plebeians? Give me Froot Loops. I'd like to put them in my mouth and digest them. Have them travel down my esophagus, store in my belly for three and a half to four hours, and then sit on the toilet and rocket them out of my asshole. Daddy, I only like beige food.

What's up with kids who only like... I like turkey and potatoes. If you put something green on my plate, I'll smear it in your face or deck the walls with it. I'll eat everything beige. I'll put it in my mouth and then it'll travel down my esophagus and then it'll store itself into my belly for three and a half to four hours. And then I will sit on the toilet and rock it beige shit out of my asshole. Why do you listen to this podcast? You know?

Why am I like this? No dents though, bro. News duty, you know? Got to call this episode news duty for sure. News duty. Do you ever think, you think waking up this morning, you'd write down news duty? You ever do that? I do that all the time.

Didn't think when I woke up today I'd be saying news duty. Alas, news duty. Did you see the R. Kelly thing? Did you see the R. Kelly in Ethiopia. I mean, first of all. First of all, I sent this to the group chat, and he goes like this. And Mike, my opener, who thinks about birds a lot, flying probably, because he's fucking...

He goes, oh, it's's fake and it made me mad because he's just a fucking naysayer and it's not fake and if you know anything about he's like it looks doesn't look like the the lyrics are matching up with his mouth and i'm but you got to understand they were filming it in a fucking arena so they got the reverb and the fucking uh the time delay and all the shit and you got to understand you got to know r kelly you got to be smarter than that and know about what r kelly would do and this is right in line with what he would do if you haven't heard this i'm going to play it for you now r kelly's a bad guy obviously he pisses on 14 year olds nothing worse nothing worse okay but this guy if he wasn't a bad guy and an actual good guy

this would be the most illest song of all time because it's s a basic and he just says what he wants that's the thing i like about r&b it's the thing i liked about r kelly's songs too until i realized he pissed on 12 year olds is that it was so just like i I'm in the closet next to a parka. And you'd be like, oh, it doesn't mean anything. That's just what it is. He's literally there. So this is what he sings to people in Ethiopia. I got it.

Salidist. Do you have your passport? Okay. First of all, sings, you haven't heard this? Oh, wow. Ivan Getridov has not heard this. Oh, dude, you're going to love this, bro. Have you heard this? Oh, yeah. I Getrid has not heard this. Oh, dude, you're going to love this, bro. Have you heard this? Oh, yeah. I showed it to you.

I got it. Do you have your passport? He's in Ethiopia. Did you get your shots? Girl, would you like to come back with Rob to America? America. Just to send it home another time, said America again.

Do you have your passport? Did you get your shots? Girl, would you like to come back with Rob to America? The fact that he calls himself Rob is really the icing on the cake. Like he's, like look, call me Rob though. Do you have your passport? Did you get your shots? Like he's... Like, look. Call me Rob, though. Do you want to come back with I? Ow!

Shakespeare! R, back with R. Back with R, went back to R. Wasn't, like, got a little bit too familiar with you. He was like, ah, you know what? I shouldn't have told him my real name. Dude, dude, did, I'm sorry. The greatest lyrics of all time did you get your shots like a badass motherfucker singing r&b but we still gotta fucking play cool by the government

you know what i mean you know what i mean you still need your passport even though i'm gonna do such dirty things you still need your passport. Even though I'm going to do such dirty things, you still need your passport. Did you get your shots? And so soulful. And you got to see how many people are at this fucking. Do you have your passport? Did you get your shots? Girl, would you like to come back with Rob to America? So unsexy.

R&B is literally the sexiest fucking... I mean, dude. It's the sexiest genre of music. I always said R&b is the best uh uh the best music and the worst music but dude i'm sorry sexy as sexy as shit like this this right here so sexy you know it's the 90s this song peaches and cream It's the 90s, this song. Peaches and Cream.

This is sexy. This is sexy. Want to put my lips all over you. Peaches and Cream. And then... Your passport. Did you get your shots? I mean... Your passport. Did you get your shots?

Ah, son, sexy. Think about a fucking girl in a doctor's office with blinding fucking neon lights. I want to make love to you, but... I mean... I'm... Can't get enough of you... Then there's this. That song was the shit, huh?

Bitches and cream. You know what I mean? Did you get you get your shots i mean if 112 just broke off and was like hold up though did you get your shots you'd be like what the fuck bitches and cream dude i'm sorry but did you get your passport made my jaw drop and then when he said fucking did you get your shots i had to pick it up off the floor like the mask what is this youtube this is it the fucking duty news okay dd okay i mean the the shit that he's giving me to fucking... All right, this is what I was talking about. This? Hundreds gathered today to say their final goodbyes

to this fallen Louisville police officer, D.D. Mega-Doo-Doo. That's actually not what I... I never saw that. That's not even what I was going. Oh, she fucked this up big time. Fired.

I'm surprised at the end of this video, you didn't hear somebody go, you're fired. First of all, it's Deirdre Mangadot. Okay. This girl. Gathered today to say their final goodbyes to this fallen Louisville police officer,

D.D. Mega doodoo. Oh, dude. The most soilding of a name. The most soiling, the most name-soiling, the most disrespectful shit of all time. A fallen soldier, and then calls her fucking doo-doo.

Eh. Go to hell. Hundreds gathered today to say their final goodbyes to this fallen Louisville police officer, D.D. Mega-Doo-Doo. Mega-Doo-Doo. You know? Wow.

How about the fact that one fire said, YouTube this. DD Mega Doo Doo. You know? Wow, today's going all sorts of fucking ways, huh? Did you get your shots? Would you like to come back with Rob to America? Least sexy name of all time, Rob.

Dude, it's so amazing how not sexy he made it. Like, you could be like, I want to travel you all over the world and take you in my private jet. Pack with me to home and make sweet love to you. But he was just like, do you have, he just got right down to it. Do you have your passport?

Did you get your shots? Come back with Robert to America. Ha! It's not sexy. Sometimes we trip and fall. Like that's the only thing more not sexy. While we making love, we trip and fall. And my mad amuse goes flying in the kitchen and goes all over into my eyes and mouth.

That's just as unsexy as did you get your passport? Did you get all of your shots? Yes. To America. America. Anyway. Let's do these fucking things here. mean i do what happened in rob kelly's fucking life that made him just be like i can make a 50 minute song about being in the closet i could that's the thing man you surround yourself with yes people. I got to start doing that. I got to surround myself with only people who are like, that's a great idea. And then just start wearing all green, green leather pants, green leather jacket.

Dude, I'll tell you what, man. The more famous you get, the more you got to start dressing like a fucking either someone from the future or someone who's super Japanese. But like that's what my goal is, dude, to get so famous that I can wear fucking green leather pants, a green leather jacket, and then a collar that goes up like this, that goes this high, and it's fucking coned, and a pendant that is like this. That goes this high. And it's fucking coned. And a pendant that is like this. That goes along. And it's like kind of like it keeps the collar tucked in like this. And then like also tails. Dude, that's how famous I want to be.

And I'm going to walk around. And when people say like, what the fuck is that guy wearing? I want to go like this. Is there a fucking problem, is there a problem and kill it dude i need to get my comedy on that did you get your shots level that's what i need to do just to make r&b not sexy and still kill it dude that is genius shit i need to make comedy not funny but still make people laugh dude i gotta get i think i'm there i'm there some of my shit's not funny and i go and people laugh anyway i'm there dude oh fuck yeah did you get your shots doo-doo news um

yeah unbelievable i gotta i gotta surround myself with yes men dude forever i i'll just be like hey guys it's dicks out thursday let's go to a cafe cool oh that's a good idea and we go and it's dicks out thursdays and they get arrested but i don't because i have a good lawyer and i'm super famous all right here we go do you have your passport? Cash app. You already know the cash app is the number one app in finance, but did you realize you can get the most powerful debit card in the world with the cash app's cash card? The cash card comes with boosts, a feature you can't get anywhere else because cash app invented it. Duh.

You select a boost in your cash app, swipe the cash card, and save 10% or more at Whole Foods, Shake Shack, Chipotle, Taco Bell, Chick-fil-A, and all coffee shops around the country. The coffee shop boost takes a dollar off at any coffee shop, including Dunkin' and Starbucks. Drink 100 cups a year. That's save $100. It's simple. Become a part of the greatest rewards program ever and download the cash app now. It's the number one app for a reason and the cash card is the only debit card with boosts so of course when you download the cash app uh and enter the referral code congrats you'll receive five dollars and the cash app will send five dollars to the

times up legal defense fund defense fund visit the app store or google play market and download the cash app and every time you remember if you're a baby, every time you use the Cash App, it doesn't make a dent. It doesn't make a dent. Did you want to be dentless? Get the Cash App. Did you get your passport? Did you get your shots? Do you want to come with Rob

to America? What's the least sexy name? Carl. Do you want to come with Carl to America? See, he's wearing all white on that shit. I got to get going with this shit. By the way, I saw people at my show that were dressed in all white because I mentioned that once in the podcast.

And then when I saw them, I realized, whoops, kind of seems like the KKK. So we're scrapping that idea. So let's change the color blue. If you're a real baby, you come with all blue. You come with blue jeans. You come with blue shirts. You come with a blue hat. You fucking rock blue.

That's the color for us, us babies because we are not racist we do not want to wear all white kind of a weird time to wear all white and and be all be doing that because of the kkk and stuff anyway we're chilling man uh i'm i'm i'm going i'm i'm excited for the follow the leader tour and we're because you what, I'm in the moment right now where I'm happy that I am on the road. I'm happy with my material. I'm keeping it going. And thanks for everybody for also coming,

watching Netflix, the comedians of the world. A lot of really good feedback on that. It's very cool. And globally, I'm getting hit up with a lot of people. A lot of people like in fucking, you know, different countries because they see it. So that's really cool. So maybe daddy will get out to fucking Sweden and just do some, you know, comedy out for the Swedes or something like that.

It would be very cool. So, but Louisville, Indianapolis, St. Louis first. Boulder, Colorado, Colorado Springs, them first. Let's do some missed connections, huh? Let's do some misconnections. Let's do some of these. I feel like R. Kelly would jump on these misconnections.

Here we go. Daniel in Belmont Shore from steve in boise parentheses belmont shore oh danielle it's danielle in belmont shore danielle if you somehow see this please reply so i can get in contact such a hail mary dude such Such a Hail Mary. Hey, dude, you know, this is the saddest. Out of all the fucking posts, this one is the saddest one. Daniel in Belmont. That's an R. Kelly lyric. Daniel in Belmont.

Do you remember me from Belmont Shore, from Boise? Do you remember me from Belmont Shore from Boise? If you somehow see this reply so I can get in contact and bring you back to Boise. All right, next one. I love ones that start with this word. Horny from work, my Latin pussy ass is ready to get fuck hard. All right, well, cool, man. Horny from work, my Latin pussy ass is ready to get fuck hard. Now, I think a pussy ass is gay slang for butthole.

Because no chick would write this. Horny for my Latin pussy ass. Here's the body. Any straight guy, bad use of comma there, any straight comma guy that just needs to drop a load. This is R. Kelly. I am wearing sexy panties for a hung poppy. I am gay cross-dresser who loves to wear women clothes for my poppy.

Okay, man, really doubling down on this poppy thing, huh? Soy un puto gay que me gusta. That probably is. Soy un puto gay que me gusta vestirme de mujer para mi papito do not contact me with some unsolicited that's fucking r kelly's note to the fucking persian guy in 300 horny from work my latin pussy ass is ready to get fucked hard. Oh, wow. Wow. Look at this one.

Sitting, period. My behind your face. What's up with this fucking, why can nobody, nobody who goes on Craigslist has a grasp of the English language. Sitting, period. My behind your face. And then in parentheses, Hollywood. Heywood hey man you don't need parentheses here you already fucking bastardized this whole language you wanted me to sit on your face with my behind so proper you wanted me in leggings or whatever oh or whatever i was comfortable i

liked it that way better you wanted me in leggings or whatever you like you wanted me in leggings or whatever i was comfortable as long as i sat on you you offered a reward god i love how these guys are like vague but also specific sitting my behind your face so specific but also. Because what the fuck does that mean? And then you wanted me to sit on your face with my behind. So I get that. You wanted me in leggings or whatever. I was comfortable as long as I sat on you. You offered a reward.

What's the reward? Money? What's the reward? Taint? On your fucking face? Going back with you to America? Offering to pay to help get your shots all right uh oh man looking for a top chubby chaser where all the fit top chubby chasers at

latino chub 28 looking for a chaser around my area. This guy's acting like it's the government. Like it's a fucking, like it's like some, this is like how like if you were gay and liked fat guys and it was like a CIA operation, this is how you'd talk about it. Latino, Chubb, 28, looking for a chaser around my area. If you want to chill, send a pic and stats. Be around my age, under 35. I'm a top chubby, looking for a top chubby chaser. Is there a top chubby chaser in the area? Where are all the fit top chubby chasers at?

Out. Latino Chub 28 looking for a chaser. We need a chaser. As he looked for a chaser, it would be like a documentary series on Netflix. As he was looking for a chaser, he noticed there were no fit top chubby chasers. So he asked, where are all the fit top chubby chasers at? Where are the fit top chubby chasers at? Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Got a chubby chaser in the area?

Alright. Oh. Wow. This one, dude. Right here. The title is Black Snake. right here the title is black snake wow so not cryptic this guy thought he was so clever i'm gonna read this to you

this guy thought he was so clever and eh so not cryptic first of all black snake so you know where this is going okay now hold on look there's a black cock innuendo in there all right yeah he's talking about black car. This is the fucking thing. I'm not afraid of big black snakes. Certified snake charmer here. Late 40s white guy. Hey, we know. Only a late 40s white guy would say that.

Respond for details. Details? Oh, you were pretty detailed right there. Black snake. Hey, just so you know, I'm not afraid of big black snakes. You take your big black snake out, I'll charm it right in my fucking mouth. You know why? I'm certified. Hey, where do you go to get certified for black cock rubbing? Hey, where do you go to get certified for black cock rubbing? Did you? But first, though, did you get your shots? Because I'm certified.

Do you have your passport? Did you get your shots? I'm not afraid of black snakes. Wow, dude. Wow. Wow, dude. That's amazing that somebody wrote that. Props to this guy. Why isn't there ever anyone that's just like, black cock. Hey, I want to suck a black cock. That's it. Do not contact me with unsolicited services wow that was amazing all right well i guess we're all good fellas um uh so i guess that's it man should we do twitter or should we just fucking skip it fuck it you know we don't have to do it every time i do Twitter or should we just fucking skip it fuck it you know

we don't have to do it every time I think we got to do a fucking most fucked up Instagram post of the week next time and we also got to give you know what we're going to do

we're going to do an elder next time that's what we're going to do we owe some elders there's been some fucking cool babies out there so follow the leader tour get tickets at

crystalia.com Louisville St. Louis Indianapolis Boulder Colorado Springs Salt Lake City Bidison Milwaukee tour get tickets at crystalia.com louisville st louis uh indianapolis boulder colorado springs salt lake city bydison milwaukee chicago seattle hamilton ontario windsor ontario kalamazoo michigan some of these are sold out but go check it out some of them aren't um but make sure if you're not uh if you're coming to the show that you get your shots already and you have your passport um Download the Crystalia app also.

Follow the store Twitter at Crystalia store. We see those babies hoodies out there. Those are looking awesome, man. I love those. Subscribe to the YouTube channel and rate and review the show. It really helps our shit. Non-stop, my episode of Comedians of the World is on Netflix. So check that out.

It's episode two. You can check it out. By the way, if you're not in America, it just shows your country first. There's a drop-down menu. Just click it and then go to the U.S. Comedians, and I'm the second one. So look at it there. And thanks a lot. Video episodes go up every Tuesday or Wednesday.

But you guys are the best. Thanks a lot, babies. Bye-bye. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations, motherfucking fuck. You're here for me. I'm here for you. I'm here for you.

I'm here for you. I'm here for you. I'm here for you. I'm here for you..