Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 103. Mary Condominium

Episode Date: January 14, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about Marie Kondo and Tidying Up. Also discussed: Craig Conant, New Year's resolutions, George R. R. Martin and Game of Thrones, ZZ Top, Staind, Missed Connections, and we name a new Elder. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. Congratulations. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. Mm-hmm. Oh, okay. Oh, okay, cool starting real good call you guys what's up babies far and wide all around the world do you hear something different in the studio yeah you do it sounds

a little bit better and there's no more echoes because we got this soundproofed the fuck up, dude. We got 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, wait, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, fucking 9, 10, 10. We got

10. Actually, you know what? Close that bathroom door. It'll probably be better. We got 10 fucking blocks, sound blocks, whatever the fuck they're called. And it is on, dude. And it sounds so good. And I feel better. I didn't feel good doing it, giving you guys the, you know, I had to move studios and I had to make it a little bit nicer. And the studio is great now, but for a little bit it suffered. But you know what? Growing pains, right? This cult is about growing pains.

Those dent shirts flew, man. Every time I restock them, they're gone in a day. These fucking things, you're helping us back up the motherfucking Brinks truck for real. You know what I'm talking about you are fucking but it's they go they go and i see them at your shows i see a front row there's always somebody in the front

row with the fucking wouldn't make a fucking dent shirts and uh and they're they're really uh they're it's awesome dude it's just cool because then i know you're a cult member and we're going to fucking head to the log cabin at some point. But and I don't know. But how are we doing? You know? How are we doing? We're live on my app. You can get the app if you want.

Chris D'Elia, type that in and you can see the podcast before anybody and hear it before anybody. But also it's New New Year's, and it's been New Year. It's been the New Year for a week or so, two. And how are the New Year's resolutions coming? Now, I don't do New Year's resolutions. What's more annoying than someone saying they're doing a New Year's resolution? Someone who says, I don't do New Year's resolutions. I don't believe in them. That always drives me kind of nuts when somebody's like, you know what? I don't believe in it.

People say stuff like, I don't believe in it. People say stuff like, I don't believe in marriage. And I always want to be like, what do you mean? It's right there. People get married. You can see married couples all the time. Saying you don't believe in it is the wrong way to say things. And I always thought that ever since I was a little kid.

You know what? I don't believe in eating meat. Oh yeah? You don't believe in eating meat? Oh yeah? You don't believe in eating meat? Oh yeah? Chomp, chomp. I just ate meat, man, right in front of your fucking face, right in front of your unking face. I just ate a bunch of cow and you don't believe in it? Well, what the fuck, man? You can see it. You know what you can't see? Jesus christ so let's do this don't believe in jesus christ if you say you don't believe in marriage or eating meat because one's right in front of you and one's not i get it you have faith all good cool very cool i you know what i i've been thinking

about also is like the celebrities that uh but wait before i even get into that how are your news resolutions happening how are they holding up because right now the second weekend is when you start fucking up right when the gym starts to get a little bit empty when people start eating a little bit more sweets you know i was talking to my friend uh craig who opens for me sometimes he's a really funny comedian craig Conant. And he sounds like this. But he used to work at Trader Joe's until he got fired because he fucking Instagram storied farting on customers. Hey, you're in your 30s. I believe in farting on customers.

That's for sure. So he got fired for farting on customers. Told him not to do it did it got fired so anyway imagine that she's like boop boop yeah oh you got these oh cool boop oh you got these pretzels boop oh you got these organic shits boop oh cool hey one more thing have a nice day hey one more thing come here closer have a nice day welcome thanks for coming in trainer jones take care anyway um wow i got so lost there i didn't even know what the fuck i was talking about anymore oh he said that people will come in on january 1st he would always say um and january 1st he would always say people would you'd always see people at the gym

because it was like across the street from the gym and he would always see people at the gym uh and when it was like such a fucking crazy time of year because like it would be so trafficy and all that shit and then he said all of the food like the vegetables and everything like that and all the good stuff that's for you he would sell sell so much more in the first week of January. And then the second week of January, everyone would start fucking buying things that give you cancer again. So anyway, that's what he said.

I got Boulder coming up. I have Colorado Springs coming up. And all the Utah shows are all sold out. It's the only time I'm really doing a club on this tour, I think, is I'm doing it in Utah. And I love Utah, man. Every time I go to Utah, I'm there at the Gay Pride, the Pride March, which is cool because you wouldn't think of Salt Lake City as having a large gay community because it's so well Mormon. But it does. And it's always cool to see.

I like that. I like when gays are proud. Which is why I didn't even realize, but I'm drinking out of my cup that says the gayest. And I'm drinking my iced Americano out of that shit. My friend Mike got me. Shout out to Mike Scharf. So what was I saying about, yeah, so I'm excited about my shows. I was talking about New Year's resolutions,

and then I was talking about celebrities that are still religious, which are pretty. Celebrities that shout out, look, if you know me, I like guys and girls that are passionate about something. I don't even give a fuck about what it is. Even if it's like shit I don't care about. Like building a couch. If some guy just loves building a couch, I'll sit and listen to that guy talk about building a couch all day long.

So I like when people are really religious and they talk about it and they feel it I love to see that passion you know I'm not religious myself but it's it always makes me feel good when I see someone so happy about something now I don't like it when they fucking push their beliefs on you

obviously that's annoying as fuck but people are saying people are always like why do religious people always have to push their beliefs on you obviously that's annoying as fuck but people are saying uh people are always like why do religious people always have to uh push their beliefs on me why do religious people always have to like why can't they just be religious why do they always have to like push it in our faces but i see a lot of like uh people who aren't religious always are like talking shit about that and they're always like pushing that on other people just as much by the way which they don't get that rap for they don't they don't get that rap it're always like pushing that on other people just as much by the way which they don't get that rap for they don't they don't get that rap it's always the religious people who are

like oh you know who get who get the rap on pushing their agenda on you but dude i see that i see maybe not as much but i see often atheists and shit like oh you know you know pushing their shit on it's like who gives a fuck i never care what you believe ever i never care what you believe ever ever i i i every hour every new hour i do i always talk about that too i can't get away from it like like when somebody's like oh yeah i don't uh if i'm like uh you know if somebody's like oh that movie fucking as a matter of fact my uh one of my buddies the other day was like that i haven't seen the el royale movie with chris hemsworth and and and whatever but my buddy's like best movie i ever seen him one of the top 10 20 movies i've ever seen now my buddy who says that let uh here's the thing if you like if you

see a movie and right away you're like one of the top 20 movies i've ever seen in my life you're a fucking cuda that's what you are you got to wait and give it time to gestate you got to say okay you know what uh like for instance black swan was a great movie when i saw it i was like wow oh moulin rouge is another one when i saw moulin rouge i was like oh my god i sat there in the movie theater And I cried at the end of it I cried at the end of the movie Now granted it was probably Because I had a lot of my own shit going on too

Because I was with my ex-girlfriend watching it But that shit I was like one of the best movies I've ever seen Now when someone asks me Top 10 movies I've ever seen I never mention Moulin Rouge Why? Because it really affected me

While it was happening But now it didn't stand the test of time Do I still like it? Yeah But I mean, come on. Top 10? No. I mean, but still.

I mean, yeah, but yeah, but still, dude, top 10? No, I don't know. Anyway, you got it. So he saw a battle. What is it? Good times, bad times at El Royale, whatever. what is it good times bad times at el royale whatever the el royale bad times el royale it it's like and he's like dude he immediately texted the group top 20 movies i've ever seen first of all who the fuck says that was in the top 20 movies i've ever seen that's too many no i mean top five is like the list top 10 yo dude good bad times at el royale top one in my top 35 what the fuck are you talking about so he's getting caught

up in the moment that's like a chick in high school that goes and studies abroad to italy and then like loses her virginity in italy because she's caught up in the moment. That girl, it's a slut of the times. You're letting shit get to you. Stay strong, baby. Stay strong. Keep your virginity intact. When you study abroad in Italy, come back to Delaware and fuck a guy that works at a loading dock. Now that's the kind of chick that I want to be with.

You understand me? Oh, I went to fucking Prague and there was this guy and he was so mysterious and the lighting was red because every time Crystalia thinks of something going on in Prague, everything has a red tint in it. But that's because he's fucking ignorant and has no idea what Prague is like. You know? Volevo kosei aseswa is all I'm saying. So, yeah. So, that's what I'm saying about the fucking don't lose your virginity anywhere but where you live, dude. the fucking don't lose your virginity anywhere but where you live dude if you lose your virginity if you make it a big deal you're basically like my buddy who said good bad times at el royale

is top 20 movies of all time and you don't want to be a guy like that you don't want to have a top 20 movie list if you have a top 20 movie list you're a fucking dork by the way have five also top five is an annoying argument dude when everyone's like oh yeah you liked anytime someone's like you like tupac you like biggie you like jay-z who are your top five oh you know who my top five favorite fucking anything are and those are my top five favorite everything's and they're all farts babies top five favorite everythings. And they're all farts, babies. Top five favorite movies? The Godfather? Those are my top five favorite movies.

Greatest MCs? Tupac? Leakin'. Get out of here. It's an annoying argument. Boring motherfuckers are are like who's your top five boring motherfuckers top five movies mine part two and it's boring dude stop with the top five argument top 100 and when someone next time someone asks me what's your top five this i'm gonna say oh say, oh, I'm going to rip them off.

And then I'm going to say, what are your top 100? And then they'll be like, well, how do I know? And I say, I don't know. How do I know my top five? That's what dorks do. See ya. And then drive away. You're going to have the conversation where you're in a car, though, and someone's outside of the car.

If someone asks me, I'm outside of the car, I'm going to be like, come here. Come here. Come here. What's your top 5 favorite MC's Come here Walk with me over here Where are you going Alright what's that?

Who are your top five MCs? That's how we do it, dude. That was being in the top floor of a building, taking the elevator down to the garage level with the guy, and then fucking getting in the car and then asking him. And if you don't know, now you know. If you don't know, now you know if you don't know now you know we need a new chord on the fucking computer because every time i pick it up it goes and i can't do the fucking soundboard but it's all

good babies we don't need the soundboard we do it how we do it um yeah so uh you know how are your new year's resolutions and yada yada and it gives a fuck but it's all don't have new year's resolutions just be purse have one if you want but if you do just realize in the next week you're gonna turn around yeah

what's up with people also still saying I had a buddy that that was like what do you call it that was like what's up with people also still saying, I had a buddy that, uh, that was like, uh, what do you call it? That was like, uh,

whoops. Is that you? Is that me? Oh, oh, oh. When people, uh,

when, when people are like, Hey, need to, how about this? It's 2018. Anytime anybody texts you any sort of, Hey dude, when can you have a conversation? Hey hey dude love to talk about some shit hey it's too long to text.

Do you know what? It isn't. Do you know why? There are books out there that are 1,000 pages. Be Ayn Rand in this motherfucker. If there's Ayn Rand out there, if john grisham exists text it if michael crichton is writing then text it it's too long to text no it's not you can do it in three sentences also what's it about at least give me that much got to talk to you about something cool what's it about nah it's better

on the phone click go to info delete contact block see ya you made your bed laying it I'm inside you, dude. What the fuck? No. No. No, and I mean it. You don't text me shit like that. You don't do that. You don't text me, let me call you. No.

No, no, no. You text the whole thing, or at least what it's about. Do you know why? Because Michael Crichton's writing. Because John Christian's out there the fuck there's autobiographies there's there's fictional i mean one fire texted me crichton is dead i know he's dead but crichton is writing is a real good thing to say. Okay. I can't say Crichton is righted. So dumb. Um, Crichton wrote,

Crichton wrote one fire. It makes me want to take the humor at it out of it. So I can say Crichton wrote, even though Crichton right. And I'll get a laugh. This is the thing I'm doing from now on. I'm going. And then,

cause I got fire. I go, I do that, dude. I don't give a shit, I do it at the coffee bean, and I don't give a shit, and I'm cool, you know what, Brian Callen texted me the other day, he said he saw, he ran in, he met a girl, and she said, yeah, I saw Chris at the coffee bean, and he said, oh, what was he doing, and he said, looking at his phone, and he said, was he doing it for a while, and she said, yeah, dude you think i give a fuck dude i was reading articles probably and i was also on instagram but it doesn't matter dude it doesn't matter man i fucking sit and i enjoy life one time i

i heard that quote that uh john lennon said about how if you're enjoying life or whatever it is you're not wasting time at all it doesn't matter what you're doing, dude. That's the shit. I took that to heart. And, uh, now I do that and I don't feel like I waste time. I used to be upset. I used to be upset that I was, uh, sleeping in and now I don't do it. It's part of life, baby. Why would you feel bad if you feel good? That's the craziest shit. I understand struggle and I understand getting out of your comfort zone is absolutely something that is needed for growth and it makes you a better person, quote unquote. I get that. But if you do some of that, why would you feel bad about sleeping in? Why would you feel bad about jerking off? Why would you feel bad about eating some donuts?

Dude, do it, man. Why would you feel bad about wasting time off why would you feel bad about eating some donuts dude do it man why would you feel bad about wasting time laughing with your friends and not getting work done if you got it you got it don't if you're having a good time don't feel bad that what the fuck dude that's the shit that's the shit life's about coming laughing eating sweets. That's what it's about. And if you don't want to eat sweets, eat a nice fucking tuna bowl. You don't want to get cancer, eat a little bit of sweets, and then eat a tuna bowl. But have a good time, dude. People feel bad. Oh, no, I got to get work done.

No, you know what? I got to lie, dude. You'll get it done. You know what, dude? I used to, when I would have to get get like even now when i have to get real shit done i some i used to be like have it stress me out and be like oh i gotta get it done i gotta get it done it's not it's stressing me out because it's not done i'd put myself at the at the end of the task like i'd in my head i'd be like okay like say I got to get something done by Tuesday Monday

I got to do it I got to do it either Saturday Sunday Monday or whatever I would get to the point where I would be like I'm so stressed out I didn't do it yet it's almost going to be Monday night I'm going to be cramming I would put myself mentally at Tuesday and I would be like hey guess what it's going to get done. It's going to be done. There's nothing I can do about it because I have to do it. So therefore, it's practically Tuesday because it's going to be done. It's going to be done.

It's going to be Tuesday soon and I'm going to be done. I put myself there. Stress gone. Tony Robbins. Hey, Tony Robbins, go jump in your fucking cold pool. I got this from here. Hey, Tony Robbins, go take a dip in your cold pool and then hop and then go back to your cold pool. I got this from here.

It's going to be done. Why are you stressed out? What gonna happen is gonna happen you make it not an option anyway you gotta do it right i don't want to work out today i'm gonna do it gotta therefore it's done do you understand yeah you understand? Yeah. You understand. You understand. I saw a fucking...

You know what makes me always feel really fucking good? I see... When I see like moms out there with like carrying three bags and a baby and like another little toddler behind them, I'm always like, dude, you go,

you go mom. That shit makes me feel good. It makes me feel like shout out to all those moms out there for real. Like that's hard fucking work. And I know this is 2018 and we realize how hard of work that is now. It's not like the 50s anymore where we're like, yeah, the wife doesn't have a job. I'm always fucking slaving away, and this fucking dame with her gams is just cooking in the kitchen. That's all she gets to do.

She gets to relax with the kids, you know. I know it's 2018, and we all realize that now, but still, that shit is awesome. It's bonkers when you see a mom walking out of Trader Joe's with four bags and fucking two kids. Get out of here. That's amazing. Shout out to those fucking moms for real. And if you're a mom and you listen to this podcast, which I don't know if this is that demo, but shout out to you, man. And if you're listening to it with your kids, you're a bad mom, but you're a good mom because you know what life is like.

And you understand and maybe it's too young for a four-year-old to listen to this but also thank you thank you for the revenue um yeah i always i saw one and i just like was staring at her like a creep i realized oh shit i'm staring at her like a creep but I'm like actually staring at her because like I admire her um but anyway fuck man it's uh it's uh I don't know but it is what it is but yeah just text your fucking whole thing if you're about to call somebody

and say oh I need to you know talk to you about this thing or I need to give you the rundown, just text the whole rundown. Text the whole rundown. I'd like to... Oh, wait, let's do ads, yeah? I'd like to do ads and then I want to talk about this past weekend. I watched that show. You know what I like on, honestly? I like the limited runs of the shows. I like shows that are on

for two or three seasons. I like shows that are on for one season. Do you know why? Because that's all everyone really making a show knows what the fuck they're going to do by. You know what I'm talking about anytime you're doing like a fucking show and it lasts for like 11 seasons like the guys the people in gray's anatomy

right now the people at house when it was on its 42nd season this was these were the producers every day uh i don't know we could have guys get hit by trucks and then come in and have the doctor work on them? And then the guy's like, all right. And then they just write it. The fuck? Hey, man, I want you to think about it more. I swear to God that's what these shows do.

Even Game of Thrones is doing it right now. That guy, what's his name, Jared Tolkien? Oh, no, that's not. That's the Lord of the Rings. Whoever that fucking dork is. George Martin? Hey, George Martin, you're a fucking billionaire, but let's not forget

hey, dork. Okay? They don't know what they're doing. He knew what he was doing he wrote the whole things but now the producers of game of thrones dude they're like this uh the dragons can breathe fire on the town and the guys have they're friends but they can become enemies now and it's slicing heads and then the other producer

goes like this okay okay and then the guy cerseus comes in and then selenus comes in and then chabius is comes flying on the dragon and then there's fire on the town and then the guy goes like this okay and they goes like this. Okay. And then he goes like this. Write it. He says, okay. And then he goes off and he writes it. And he writes it.

And you watch it. You're basically just, that's what this podcast is, by the way. That's what this podcast is. And you don't think it's Game of Thrones, you pieces of shit. Do understand me you think this podcast you're like yeah and i just like to listen to it you know he's just fucking winging it and having a good time he thinks of a few fucking things that's what game of thrones is that's what gray's anatomy is okay so what I'm basically saying is give me 20 Emmys. I'm doing what they're doing. The first few seasons, yeah, they got it down.

They think hard. They got to come up with the pitch. They got to talk to the network. They got to be like, and this is what's going to happen in the second season, maybe in the third season. This thing has legs. She's got legs. She's sexist, that song.

Is that by ZZ Top? Who's it by? Anyway, it doesn't matter. What matters is, give me a fucking group of Emmys. Such a theme song. They don't know what the fuck they're doing at this point. Have the dragons just fuck and then breathe fire? And the guy goes like this.

Okay. And then Cerseus does the thing? Okay. Put Xerxes in it. Hello. Where are the dragons? But Xerxes was in 300. I don't care.

Was he a real character in history? Who gives a fuck? Hello. Give me my dragons. Yeah. YouTube. What was I going to do? YouTube.

That's so sexist, that song. She's got legs. I mean, she's got legs. You know? I mean, basically could just... Listen to this by ZZ Top. Of course, this is how you know it's sexist.

Chris... Chris Rock fucking covered it. This is sexist. First of all, the most manly music video of all time started. She's walking, close-up of a girl in heels walking, then close-up of motorcycles driving. And then... A guy stops in front of the...

Hey, I'm sorry. What's the dress? Why, what's this? You got something over here? They're in a burger shop or some shit. And he's serving burgers and... This is the worst music. that was the beginning of the work

you got to look at the zz top beginning is easy top she's got legs there's a worse beginning of any music video i've ever seen in my life which makes it the best i think actually you know what it's so fucking uh the french wave of cinema in like the 70s. He says, oh, what is this? Gee, I'm sorry. By the way, why would you say sorry? Why, what's this? You just...

You got something over here? The guy who says, you got something over here. I guess if he's wearing a fucking sleeveless jean jacket. Okay. Now listen to the song. Just listen to this. Oh, and then the band just appears out of nowhere. Excuse me. Oh, and then the band just appears out of nowhere. Oh, my God.

Serving her, giving her a burger. And she's just got a dress on, like a... She's not even dressed sexy. She's just got, like, a like a, she's not even dressed sexy. She's just got like a skirt on. She's got legs. She's sexist. She knows how to use them. Oh, she's got legs.

She knows how to use them. They should basically make this song called She's Got Tits. You know? Just as sexist, only we don't don't you know realize it because they're saying legs she's got tits she knows how to use them them fucking titties bouncing around and by the way in the 80, that shit would have rocked. Nobody would have been like, even chicks would have been like, fuck yeah, I do have titties and know how to use them.

But now, it's not okay. I'm surprised that song isn't banned. They probably don't play it on radio stations right now because of that. Because of the whole fucking baby, it's cold outside. That shit was great. Baby baby it's cold outside that shit was great baby it's cold outside

uh lamb you rape ya you know that's what they thought it was basically baby it's cold outside oh i'm bill cosby Baby, it's cold outside. Oh. I'm Bill Cosby. I don't know, dude. Whatevs. Whatevs, dude. Whatever's clever, you know, when people say that. I have pokers in your eyes when you say it.

Yeah, dude. You ever have pain in your fucking, like, for no reason I have pain in my hand, and I think about it now all day, and it's annoying as fuck. For zero reason. I woke up just all of a sudden, pain in my hand. And it's going to be like that for a fucking week. Man, when you get older, it sucks. I mean, I'm just, I'm really young. I'm fucking so young.

I'm just, I'm really young. I'm fucking so young. I'm 38. So I'm like still like my testosterone is building. I'm still very, very virile, you know. I haven't hit my sexual prime yet. You know, I'm just, I barely went through fucking puberty. I'm just virile. I'm 38. You know what I mean?

I'm by no means 45. So, yeah, you wake up and things start fucking busting down. You wake up. All of a sudden, guess what? Your shoulder hurts. You wake up. All of a sudden, guess what? Your shoulder hurts. You wake up, all of a sudden, guess what? You got knee props. Your shoulder hurts and you got knee props.

And it's because you're 38. And that's it. Taking cyanide. One fire just took a pill of cyanide. Ending his life. Done. So, yeah. I folded my underwear on the fucking uh

i mean dude my girl's making me watch that fucking tidying up bullshit that thing on netflix oh get out okay all right cool oh you can tidy up it's not a biz oh you can you can tidy up hey marie conto snot a biz oh you can hire her to come but have you seen it it's on netflix it's called tidying up she comes in and she's like okay is she what is she what's her Japanese dude she comes in and she's like, okay. What is she? What's her Japanese? Dude, she comes in. By the way, needs a translator, which is fine. But she's always like, okay. And they just dump shit out.

Get rid of all this shit. That's what she does. Okay. It's not a biz. And guess what? It's not a TV show either. It's straight up bad. Okay?

Now, no knock. No knock on the show. I know I said it's bad, and I'm fucking half joking. I watch it and shit, but this whole thing. You know what it is? It's the new March of the Penguins. That's what it is? It's the new March of the Penguins. That's what it is. You made me watch March of the Penguins

and March of the Penguins. You know what it was? Penguins dicking round. Just shots of penguins fucking each other and walking and waiting and traveling together and Morgan Freeman talking all over it.

I don't give a fuck about that. I got things to think of. I got a fucking tra-la-la going on in my head. I got to sit and watch pictures of penguins all cold and shit. And Morgan Freeman's like, the penguins are monotonous. I don't give a shit. I've never seen a goddamn penguin. The fuck do I have to watch it on TV for?

So this Mary Kondo, by the way, how's that her last name? Oh, she must have married a fucking Kondo. It's short for condominium. Mary condominium. Mary condom. Mary lubricated condom. So not funny and so juvenile. That was the worst joke I've ever made on this whole podcast.

It's 103 episodes in. Anyway, Mary Condo does the fucking tidying up shit. And she comes in and she's just like, okay, get rid of clothing. Get rid of all this bullshit. Thank this for being in your life. And then, oh, wait, what? Oh, I'm sorry. Stop there.

What did you say? You have to thank this for being in your life and then get rid of it. Oh, it's a vest. Hey, you know what I've never done? Talked to socks. Okay. Oh, but the socks are tired and you have to. No, they're not tired.

No. Why? They don't have brains. Okay. So there's a way to fold underwear. I folded all the underwear. There's a way to fold socks. folded all the underwear there's a way to fold socks did it okay got it fine uh she my favorite one was but it's just annoying how everyone's like you're watching tidying up you're watching it yeah okay it's fine. It's exactly how boring and good you'd think it would be.

This fucking little Japanese lady comes in and says, throw shit away. And they throw it away. And then the before and after pictures look roughly the same. It'd be one thing, too, if she was helping people in mansions and shit. So you could see a real difference. She's helping people in, like bedroom apartments which is like so they throw away a few fucking sweatshirts and some pots and pans get put away in a fucking lower cabinet and then they're like she's changed my life we have sex three times more a week now thank you mary Condominium. Thank you. There was one where the best was she comes in and she fucking,

I would like to start by greeting the house. Hey, Mary Condo, did you know a house is a house? And it isn't a family did you know the house isn't fucking border patrol hey this is house this is a house not a fucking cocktail party so she walks in she greets the house, she gets on the knees. That's the best one with the black family. Dude, they get in, she greets the house, she sits on the fucking, on her knees, and she puts her palms backwards for some reason

and puts them on the ground, and she sits there and closes her eyes while she greets the house. Now, do whatever you want. I, by the way, love her, love how passionate she is about cleaning. It's the shit. Dude, by the way, love her. Love how passionate she is about cleaning. It's the shit. Dude, I listened to part of her audio book

and how passionate she is about fucking tidying up is absolutely awesome. It's awesome. This lady is awesome. She really is awesome. I love that. There's enough fucking actors and actresses and shit out there.

This lady is so passionate about tidying up. She's the shit, there. This lady is so passionate about tidying up. She's the shit, dude. She really is. This Marie Kondo girl is awesome. But the show is just like, all right, so she's tidying up. I don't get it. So she greets the house, and the best was there's this black family.

It's like this really sweet family. And I just love when she greets the house. And the black family is like so into it. But it's so like, it's so basically, well, it's so Japanese, the whole thing. But it's also so something that like white people would be like, this is really the new thing. This is it. We greet the house we thank our socks and we say good morning to our fucking ball caps and our pots and pans we use them and we love we actually love them that's such a like white thing to adopt from a from japanese culture and

for it to become a fad for a year and then forget about it. Right? Okay? And black people don't do that shit. And it's so funny that the black family is there and she's greeting the house. And even though they seem all into it, I like to imagine that there's like the uncle that they don't show. Like, yeah, all right. He lives in like the fucking side room. But they're like, yeah, you could do a show that is tidying up bullshit. But, you know, don't film me.

I got my own space. I ain't tidying shit up. So if they still want to do it, then they want to do it. And then he's just like behind the camera crew, like in the corner, just like watching. And she's like, so it's time to greet the house. And the family is just like this and the kids are like this. And the black dad who's practically white is just sitting there like this. And the black lady is sitting there like this.

And then there's like the uncle that stays with him. That's like the guy that's just – and he's just like, okay, look. And they cut all these parts out. But he's just like oh she gonna thank the house okay oh she gonna oh i don't know um what y'all just to say like you know i know this is a show and we're gonna do shit for the show but this bitch is thanking this bitch is greeting the house This bitch is thanking. This bitch is greeting the house.

Yo, I'm like, it's all good. You know, I don't want to say nothing, but. This bitch is be thanking. I know you're doing your show, but can I talk to you for a second? Charles, come over here. Hey, we got we got bitches in here. We got bitches in here greeting houses. You understand what I'm saying?

And you were acting just for the cameras. I get get it but you need to tell me right now are you with this bitch greeting the house or do you understand what this bitch doing is some japanese shit and these white people gonna take it and run with it but you motherfucker you understand we don't do this shit oh we thank his socks now? You know he's in the back. We thank each underwear. We thank the shirts. We thank...

These jeans you don't need anymore. And then the uncle who is in the side room, just like this, eating a bowl, eating a fucking popcorn, just like looking, just like, oh, this bitch thanking a pair of like oh this bitch thanking a pair of jeans this bitch thanking a pair of jeans i'm oh i i ain't even trying to interrupt but like they cut this part out okay i let me just get in here i'm sorry so sorry crew member let me grab the

this is these are my jeans i don't know how they got mixed up with charles's jeans but i'm gonna take these jeans i don't want you talking to my excuse me thank you excuse me thank you mary i these these my jeans i don't want you even talking to my jeans like they real people these are my jeans okay i'm gonna take this i'm gonna put in my corner that i do not want you to touch now i gotta run a right aid and i gotta grab some shit and and guess what i might grab some shit I don't even need, but I'm going to keep it in my fucking, in my room right here. And you ain't going to go in here.

Okay? Yeah, I got extra shit. Like there's a bottle opener right here. It's in my bedroom. Why the fuck a bottle opener in my bedroom? Guess what? I don't know. If I was as crazy as you, you'd probably ask this motherfucker.

It's a goddamn bottle opener. You're going to ask this bottle opener? Hey, this is if I was you. Hey, what's up? Why are you in this bedroom? Oh, I don't know. I'm a fucking bottle opener. How about that, Mary Condominium?

What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm going to keep this bottle opener next to my bed in case I want to fuck. Look, empty bottles right here, right here at the foot of my bed, right here. We ain't getting rid of it. That's what we're doing. We're keeping it right there. I used a goddamn bottle opener to open that shit. And I got a beer right here that's warm as fuck bed right here we ain't getting rid of it that's what we doing we're keeping it right there i use the goddamn bottle open to open that shit and i got a beer right here that's warm as fuck i'm gonna keep it here i ain't got no fridge in here and if i take

it and put it in a goddamn fridge you ain't gonna get rid of it and if you do you ain't gonna thank it because this is my shit you ain't gonna do your japanese white people shit over here and they cut that part out and they film crews just like just let him let him go let him go let him go and then there's a black filmmaker he's like and you know what the fuck this is man you know what the fuck these motherfuckers doing i know you got a job to do and you're holding the camera but you know this bitch is crazy thanking these jeans give me my fucking jeans these are mine give me the belt that's mine too with the jeans give it give it to me don't talk to my belt don't Give me my fucking jeans. These are mine. Give me the belt. That's mine too with the jeans. Give it to me.

Don't talk to my belt. Don't go in my fucking room. I'm keeping this shit a mess. These motherfuckers. And he's walking out. Motherfucking talking to clothing and shit. Thanking houses. Green ass houses.

Motherfucking bitch. Mariekanto fucking up my life. And he's in his bedroom just by himself. Mariekanto fucking up my life and he's in his bedroom just by himself Marie Kondo fucking up my life man brainwashing these motherfuckers I remember when we used to fucking just save bottle caps man we used to save stamps to get rid of that motherfucker

where the fuck my purple shorts go I like not being able to find shit tidy up my tidy up my ass dog I like not being able to find shit, tidy up my, tidy up my ass, dog, this mom mess in this bitch, all right,

let's do, she thanking, oh man, so funny to think, she actually, she thanking, she greeting the house, this already, see,

I knew this was a bad idea. All right. We're going to, you know what we're going to do? An elder. It's been a while. It's been a while. Is that stained? It's been a while.

It is? Stained is the most. Remember I said Fuel is the most 90s song? No. Stained is the most 90s song. I mean, right? Stained is the most. It's been a while.

I mean, right? Stained is the most... It's been a while. This music will be out of fashion once 2000 hits. It's been a while. I mean, he's got the bald white guy with the guitar smoking a cigarette with the fucking tribal tattoos. Candles in the video. Just candles like it's a seance. Wow.

And a fucking eyebrow ring. Could it be more 90s? Only more 90s if he was on a fucking razor scooter while he was doing it. And fucking George Hamilton was in the video too. Or who's real 90s? Dan Cortez is 80s, right? No, he's 90s. All right.

So here's an elder. We got a new elder here. And because we got to build this log cabin crew, man, we have to build this log cabin crew. And we started giving people eldership and making them elders of the cult. And there's a few out there. A lot of you guys do good work. You spread the word. But we got to make this person an elder.

And I'm not sure if it's one or two of you guys. I think it's just one. But you guys, over the past year, have done so much getting the world word out there and helping and it's the guys or guy at bleach media official on instagram and it's so funny the shit that they do and it's andrew baxter his name is aka andrew baxter didn't put the er at the end it's an a instead change it but maybe it already was taken so andrew baxter you're an elder you don't have to change it but you just congratulations man you're an elder i think it's only you if it's two guys we'll send two pins but you got to let me know we'll be in touch but you guys kill it man if you're not

following them follow them uh and uh also uh follow me on instagram i repost their stuff and they also do stuff with other podcasts too uh which is just really funny they do i don't know how they have the fucking time the guy must have like the most boringest job but he's not i know he's an editor i met him once at the coffee bean once he was he was there he's like i'm the guy i'm from bleach media i'm like oh shit so uh anyway he kills it dude thank you and you're an elder now so we're sending shit. We sent you a baby's hoodie, but we're going to send you an elder and a certificate of authenticization of how you're now an elder. So thank you, Bleach Media.

Yeah, so that's good. Now let's do some misconnections or what? These misconnections are a big hit here. We used to do most fucked up Instagram posts of the week, and I't i haven't forgotten about that every now and then i come across with some shit but you know i do stuff and then i i i get it popping and then i leave it that's what happens man you said it and then you forget you said it and you forget it i'm rompabilling this bitch i'm rompabilling this bitch okay i said it and i forget it i don't fucking dwell on it i don't roll with the shit you know this is here here we got a misconnection right here it's called relax that's the title relax

wow black guy available now for any guys that wants a nude rub that's the guy, by the way, that's the fifth guy that lives with that black family and tidying up. You know what I'm going to do? Straight up, because y'all fucking around with this tidying up. I'm going to invite, I'm going to go on Craigslist and I'm going to tell people I'm down for

if anybody wants a nude rub. If anybody wants a nude rub, that's going to be me and they're going to come in my space and they ain't going to tell people I'm down for if anybody wants a nude rub. If anybody wants a nude rub, that's going to be me, and they're going to come in my space, and they ain't going to be fucking greeting houses and shit. You know what I'm talking about? They ain't going to be thanking no pairs of jeans. I'm going to take them motherfucking pants off, and I'm going to do a nude rub with them. I'm going to take their fucking shirts and their socks off, and I ain't going to fucking thank their socks. I ain't going to thank their jeans, and fuck that.

We're going to put it in a pile, and then if they leave some of their shit here, guess what's happening? It's going to fucking thank their socks. Ain't going to thank their jeans. And fuck that. We're going to put in a pile. And then if they leave some of their shit here, guess what's happening? It's going to stay here. We ain't getting rid of that motherfucker. We're keeping it here because this is my section of the house, god damn it. And if that fucking bitch Mary Kondo come around and she's like, you really need this? I'm going to be like, fuck yeah, I really need this. It reminds me of the time I rubbed that shit down with that dude. Here we go.

Another. This one starts off fire, by the way. This misconnection starts off fire. I unclog pipe and offer stress relief unload. Robot! I unclog pipe. I unclog pipe and offer stress relief unload. And offer stress relief unload.

I unclog pipe and offer stress relief unload. Code word for sex. I unclog pipe and offer a stress relief unload. Code word for sex. Code for horizontal mambo. That's the sound of the bed. I'm offering, here's the body. I'm offering oral service to, I mean, dude, this couldn't be more, dude, the least sexy thing, which makes it the most sexy because everything's a full circle, but it's to say offer. I offer you, here we go. I am offering oral service to give your pipe stress release relief.

Come get drained. Average, big, thick, stocky, husky football player build men. Send your stats, height, weight, location, picks. Tree to tree for 206. Oh, that's the fucking phone number. Oh, that's the fucking phone number. Tree to tree. Code for the number.

Hey, man, we know it's 323. I'm offering oral service. Heck, to give your pipe stress release relief. Oh, sedundant. Would you like release relief i'm offering oral service to give your pipe stress release relief and then write down to it in case there was any doubt come get drained. Heck, come get drained? Soft color. Had a, hey, dude, here's something for sure. You had a bad childhood.

You're writing come get drained on the internet. Average, big, thick, stocky, husky, football player build men. Why can none of these guys do the right tense or spelling right? Send your stats, height, weight, location, picks. I unclog. stats height weight location picks i unclog so anyway if there's any anybody anyway if there's anybody out there that wants their pipe unclogged wink and all and need some stress relief unload wink hire this robot he's in the la area near alhambra do not contact him though with unsolicited services or offers uh wow what time we had here uh uh here's another one uh here's another one i uh here we go

margo moving over the lights in the way margo i find myself very attracted to you i told you i loved your eyes You told me you had cataract. Ugh. Worst romance novel writer of all time. Margot, I find myself very

attracted to you. I told you I loved you. I told you I loved your eyes and you told me you had cataract. Would it be so hard to write the word, uh, before cataract? I had a, you had a cataract. Also, not sexy.

Oh my God, baby, I love your cataracts. I am nervous to make a move, not sure you would react positively. What are these fucking robots dude if you ever read this and would like to know more next time you see me even though you can't really see well because you get cataracts let me know margo i that's the best right there that's the best beginning of any one that we've ever had margo i find myself very attracted to you i told you i loved your eyes You told me you had cataract.

Also, imagine just being in that situation there. Wow, I love your eyes. Oh, thanks. I have cataracts. I mean, and then the guy still likes the person. If I said to somebody, if I i thought they were all like there was something interesting about them and that they were hot and i was like oh i want to i want to say oh wow god you know what you have beautiful eyes and then the quote-unquote hot margot chick says oh thanks I go like this.

I go, check, please. Oh, I got beautiful eyes. Yeah, I have cataracts. Okay. Anyway, catch you later. Pivot. Whoop, whoop. She's got cataracts.

She talks about them too early in the conversation. I just said I like her. By the way, hey, man, how about this? She's trying to get rid of you. Hey, dude, just firing this misconnection out there. If you're out there and you want to talk more, what girl likes a guy what girl right away mentions a fucking shortcoming if she likes a guy she doesn't like you dude oh you have beautiful you have beautiful eyes i mean she was so trying to shut him down oh wow you have beautiful eyes i have cataracts thanks oh i'll hit her up on craigslist

motherfucker i have cataracts. Thanks. Oh, I'll hit her up on Craigslist. Motherfucker, I have cataracts. That's it, dude. I mean. All right. What? We'll wrap up, babies. You guys killed it this episode, you audience. Thank you.

So download the Cash App for free on the App Store or Google Market. Enter rewards code congrats, $5, give $5. You get $5 and give $5 at times. Listen, I'm going to be in Colorado Springs. I'm going to be in... Oh, man, here's another one.

Watch me blow. Ah. Any guys or girls want to watch Blow My Oh, man, here's another one. Watch me blow. Any guys or girls want to watch Blow My Load on Skype or FaceTime? Let's have some fun ASAP. I like how there's a time limit on it. I got to go to work, but if you want to watch me blow, let's do this. Here's my Skype. Want to watch me cum?

Here's my Skype. Want to watch me blow here's my skype uh all right cool uh sorry to st louis i had to reschedule the new one is february 24th so your tickets are valid still for that uh i heard only 30 people uh had to to get their money back because they can't go. So that makes me very happy. I'm sorry to you, 30. So now there's tickets available because I had to reschedule on the 24th, right? Yeah. St. Louis. St. Louis will be there the 24th.

But also Boulder, Colorado. Those are sold out. Colorado Springs. There's still some tickets left. Madison, Milwaukee Those are sold out. Colorado Springs, there's still some tickets left. Madison, Milwaukee, Chicago, sold out. Seattle, Hamilton, Ontario, Windsor, Ontario, Kalamazoo, Anaheim, San Ynez. Anyway, go to the website, crystalia.com, and that's what's up. Download the Crystalia app.

You'll see the podcast and hear it before anybody. And we see those baby's hoodies out there looking good. Those are my favorites right now. So go get those. There's some left. We're restocking the dense one, but you can go get some baby hoodies,

baby cities and other merch. Go check it out. Subscribe to the YouTube channel, please. We want more subscribers. If you watch the videos on YouTube, it would be very cool to also subscribe to my channel. Thanks. It helps me back up the Brink's truck. Video pod, those will go out every Tuesday, and they're good to watch, I guess.

Some people like them, so fucking get on there. And also watch my episode of Comedians of the World on Netflix. It's Comedians of the World. Go in there. Click Comedians of the World on episode two and watch everybody else. My episode is called Non-Stop. It's a special on Netflix. And thanks a lot.

And congratulations to Chris Pratt getting engaged. You guys, thanks a lot, guys. you