Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 104. Only God Can Hold Me

Episode Date: January 22, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about Ja Rule. Also discussed: North Face jackets, Zack Doncovio and chocolate milk, white guy names, the Fyre Festival documentaries, Billy McFarland, and Kool Keith. Plus, we do Missed Connections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Hey, guys. what's up? It is me. And hi. It's time for episode 104 now.

Did I do the ads? The ad. And did I do this? Yeah, I did. Now, is it episode 104? Yes. Now, do I know it's episode 104? Yes. How do I know it's episode 104? Because. How do I know it's episode 104?

Because it says episode 104 on the card right here. Now, however, does it say episode 103 because One Fire forgot to write 104 and did it cross out the three and then handwrite with pencil four like he's in the fourth grade? Yes. So is that how I know? Yes. Is that how he's One Fire? Yes.

And it's all good? Yes. Am I a little bit annoyed? Yeah, but it's okay in the grand scheme of things. So anyway, my babies, what's up? It's episode one-oh-something, and you know what's up. Because I'm back from the road. Now, I was gone for way too long. Was I gone for six days? Yeah. Was it too long? Yeah. Is it a whole week? Almost? Yes. Was it snowing too much everywhere? Of course it was.

Was it rain snowing? Yeah. Do people say that they love rain and it makes me upset? Yeah, because it's so inconvenient because they don't love the rain because really they're inside all the time. Yeah. Do they go outside and they run in the rain? No. Are they the school ties characters screaming up at a building like coward? No, they're not doing that.

Your life isn't the movies. So you don't like rain. So stay inside. Um, but yeah, anyway, no, I was in,

let's see, Boulder, uh, Colorado, Boulder, Colorado, Colorado Springs. And then also I was in Utah for a little bit.

One of the only clubs I realized I thought it was the only club I was doing this follow the leader tour, but it wasn't because I did Houston as well. That's just how it worked out. But so shout out to that club. Utah is awesome. Wise Guys over there. Keith Stubbs at Wise Guys. I hang out with some cool comics, Jay Whitaker and Shane Smith,

who has tattoos all over his face, which is crazy. And but, yeah, great guys. We had a good time. We went to fucking Denny's. We went to the Village Inn. Dude, we ate diner. We went to a diner and we ate fucking food late at night and we laughed and we made fun of each other

because that's what it's like being a guy and it's awesome. And it had nothing to do with male toxicity in our city, in our city. It just had to do with having fun. Okay? And my tour manager, Zach Doncovio, he fucking ordered too much chocolate milk. That guy orders so much fucking chocolate milk. Listen, he's 35 or 36. He orders chocolate milk listen he's 35 or 36 he orders chocolate milk like he's seven he orders chocolate milk like his family is like all right enough chocolate milk you got to drink

regular shit now but he's an adult dude the guy can't not order chocolate milk he loves chocolate i just love chocolate i just love, man. We had a daughter be like, you got chocolate milk? I can't understand the way it makes me feel when an adult orders chocolate milk over and over again. If you have a hankering, fine. But the guy's just like, he'll get it two times in a day. Who the fuck gets chocolate milk two times in a day? And he's just like, and then Shane, the other comedian, was like, man, you really blow up like that. You can get a lot of fucking, you get fat, you know, all the sugar and the chocolate.

He's like, oh, yeah? What do you mean, oh, yeah? It's fucking chocolate and milk, bro. And then he was like trying to be healthy, ordered chocolate milk, and then got the fucking fit slam at Denny's. Hey, man, you just drank a fucking... Here's the other thing that drives me nuts. Dude, he doesn't...

When I eat, I eat with the quickness because, you know, I'm hungry as shit and I always want food in my mouth right here. When people slow and they take a bite and they chew and they swallow and then they wait and they have a little bit of a conversation and then they grab another bite, what are you doing, dude? Get it done. Keep the taste popping in your mouth. You know what I'm talking about? Keep it popping. If you're at a party, are you at the party the whole time or

are you at the party and you're like, I got to go outside a little bit and wait a little bit and make sure I can enjoy the party in a little bit. You go there and you enjoy the party and you're like, I got to go outside a little bit and wait a little bit and make sure I can enjoy the party in a little bit. You go there and you enjoy the party the whole fucking time. You don't pop in and out. I mean, maybe if you're going to drink, have a cigarette or something like that. But like you go in the party, you chill until it's time to fucking leave. You don't go in and then go outside and take a break and then go in and then go outside and take a break. You fucking party.

So keep that party in your fucking mouth. Keep it popping. Keep the DJ spinning in your fucking mouth while you're at Denny's. Why are you taking breaks? I don't understand that shit. I eat, I chew, I swallow. As it's going down, another fucking bite is partying in my mouth. My brother eats so slow, dude.

It's crazy. I'm like, what are we, in a fucking political meeting? Are you trying to look all fancy? Just eat that shit. But anyway, I like when I am watching fucking TV at home in my house. I like to eat while I'm doing that. I don't eat first and then watch the TV. I don't watch the TV and then eat first.

I like to enjoy the experiment. I like both of those stimulations at the same goddamn time. I don't know what it is, but I'll wait. I got to pick a Netflix thing while I'm waiting on the food to cool down. I pick the Netflix thing and then that's when I start eating the food because I want to have double stimulation at the same time. Now, it's too bad I can't jerk off at the same time because I got my hands full of sandwich. Otherwise, it would be three stimulations at the same time and getting a massage at the same time. That would be fucking awesome to think about actually. But anyway, my buddy eats, my buddy Zach, my tour manager, he fucking orders chocolate milk, downs it like it's a shot before the fucking food even comes.

Now, I know I'm talking about always having a party in your mouth, but there are also other rules, man. You got to enjoy all the stimulations at the same time. So if you're eating your shit and you take a wash down with the fucking chocolate milk, you know what I mean? He's party hopping at the table at Denny's. You got to have the fucking grandest party. You can't be fucking, hey, that's the other thing too. It's so LA to be like, this party's cool, but let's go check out this other party.

I'm not about that, dude. When you get to the party, you make it happen. You make it fucking happen at the party. You don't leave and go to another party. You make it. You tweet about the party. You get other people coming. You say, hey, Dennis Rodman's here.

And then everyone fucking is like, Dennis Rodman's there. And then you show up. And then when they show up, you fucking, they say, where the fuck is Dennis Rodman? And you say, oh, he just left. But guess what? You got more people at the party. That's all I'm saying. If you're at a party that's not good tweet Dennis Robbins here people show up

and then all of a sudden you've got fucking you know but enough of the chocolate milk dude he drank so much chocolate milk do you understand what I'm saying a 35 year old and then he went to go play basketball with Mike Chocolate milk. Do you understand what I'm saying? A 35-year-old. And then he went to go play basketball with Mike, my opener.

And they were like, do you want to go play basketball? And I'm like, I'm 38 and not on the fucking Wizards. I'll chill. I'll go to the gym like a real adult. I'll go to the gym. Okay? Because I don't have a fucking Jan sport. Dude, we used to take this kid to school with us in a carpool.

And he fucking had the biggest backpack ever. It was as big as him. His name was fucking Nick Schupper. And we would always push. I would do this to my brother. I don't think I did it to him because I wasn't related to him but I would do this to my brother sometimes if his backpack was too big. I would push his backpack and he would

be like, no, no, no. And he would fucking try to sit straight until he did. But dude, Nick Schupper. Oh, no, that's what it was. Nick Schupper got out of the car once and tripped over the curb and his backpack took him over. I pissed myself. I fucking almost pissed myself. Oh, fuck. It was so funny. Oh, so funny. And his family's religious so it was even better

um but yeah so when somebody's religious and they fall it's way better you know and you know that and you know that and if you don't think that then you don't know how the fucking world works straight up if you if if i fall and i'm agnostic or like fucking some other shit it's pretty fucking goddamn funny but if you trip and fall and you're religious and believe in god it's way better it's arguably 65 more funny and you know that dude and you know that uh but yeah so anyway i was talking about um i was talking about the chocolate milk and i was talking about having a party in your mouth when you're at Denny's. But yeah, so we went and so we played basketball.

By the way, the guy doesn't work out. All he does is drink chocolate milk and sweets. The guy is the most snacking-ist eating motherfucker of all time. Dude, we get like drivers and shit, you know, cars taking us from place to place. And they always have like dum-dums or like some fucking tootsie rolls and i'll be in the in the car like it'll be six in the morning sometimes because we're going to the airport and i just got my eyes closed and my airpods in and all of a sudden i hear and i look and he's got like a bag of fucking sun chips and i'm like dude it's 6 30 what are you doing and he's like ah you know this is good

and uh and then he played basketball and and duty almost i mean i wasn't there but i heard he almost threw up like he was so sore the next day, he stayed in bed till two. Hey, dude. Imagine drinking chocolate milk, being 35, never working out, and staying in bed till two. Hey. He drinks a little bit too.

And he drinks in old fashioned. oh no shit dude he's drinking an old-fashioned yeah can i get an old-fashioned hey and he drinks two of them dude i don't even know what an old-fashioned is but it looks like the most adult shit of all time hey you know what fill the glass the old-fashioned has got a fucking aren't Take this goddamn orange peel out of it. Is that what it is? But what's that fucking thing in it? Get that fucking thing out of it. It's dirty. Get the orange peel out of it. Stop. Fill it up the whole way. Half a teaspoon

of sugar. Oh, well, there you go. Three dashes of Angostura bitters. One teaspoon of water. Two ounces of bourbonura bitters, one teaspoon of water, two ounces of bourbon, and also four ounces of chocolate milk. So gross. Fill up the whole thing.

Anyway. No, but for real, don't drink chocolate milk if you're over seven that's just straight up the deal uh and then um okay so so we went there and we went to boulder we went to colorado springs god boulder is a great place i swear to god though man they're a bunch of put not a bunch, but a lot of the audience were a bunch of fucking pussies. I don't understand

getting upset at a comedy show. And I'm not the most fucking offensive comic, but there was some stuff I said where some people, I felt they felt like, oh, you fucking hippie pussies. I love,

a lot of the people were great, like they were great, but some of those people, I bet those, they were great. But some of those people... I bet those... I bet the other people in Boulder can't stand those motherfuckers. I bet the real people in Boulder can't stand the fucking hippie motherfuckers that are sensitive about everything. But so I did that. I got a North Face jacket because I was in Boulder.

Let me tell you fucking something about North Face, man. Dude, they make awesome shit. And I'm not even trying to, like, get free shit here. I mean, if they know what's good for them, they'll send me some fucking shit. If they know what's good for them, they'll send me some fucking light jackets that for some reason keep you warmer than a volcano. Some jackets that you can fold into the size of a tic-tac, but will still keep you warmer than a fucking hot sauna. North Face, dude, you could fold their jackets up into a thimble. North Face, dude, you could fold their jackets up into a thimble.

And when you open them up, they look like that fucking big-ass scarf that, I'm going to fly away. What the fuck is that guy's name? Lenny Kravitz wore when walking down the streets of Manhattan. Dude, that big- ass blanket is just such, such, I'll tell you, I'll tell you what,

if I saw Lenny Kravitz walk, if I saw anybody walking down the street with that blanket around their neck, I kicked the shit out of him straight up. I would, I would, maybe I would get my ass kicked too. I don't give a fuck. The Photoshop version is the best though.

When they make it way, way, way bigger to prove he's an asshole. You can prove someone's asshole with a show to photoshop but um what was i talking about so yeah i did that and then i did colorado springs which was okay and then utah salt lake city's awesome dude uh so i went to north face and the white first of all boulder is like the white the only thing whiter than the people is the snow and and dude i went there to get a jacket because i just had this h&m shit you know it was fucking 40 bucks by the way it's my favorite jacket h&m is the shit they fall apart in fucking five months but whatever it doesn't make a fucking dent. I can keep re-upping that fluffy collar.

Fucking dentless in 2019 no matter how many times I fucking roll in H&M. Fucking zero dents. You know what I'm saying? Babies know about fucking no dents. They're not like this fucking fighter and the kid shit. All dented up, bank account jalopy ass shit. Fucking this past weekend dented up

fucking jalopy ass shit. You know? I heard Theo takes a shower in a car wash. I heard he walks through the fucking thing. I heard that's how he takes a shower. I heard he fucking goes to the car wash and fucking, the guy's like, what do you want done here?

He's like, I'm just parking, man. And then just goes through the fucking, walks through the car. They're like, hey, what are you doing, man? And he's like, I'm just getting a wash, brother. Getting a wash. And then he starts telling stories about his fucking, telling fake stories about his childhood while he's going through the car wash to nobody. That's what I heard.

And then when he gets out, he just gets in his fucking car full of dents and fucking drives home to his studio somewhere in fucking Koreatown, probably. and fucking drives home to his studio somewhere in fucking Koreatown probably. But anyway, yeah, I heard that. I heard that that's what he does from fucking three or four sources. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yeah. So I went to North Face and and I went to North Face, and there were the whitest guys there working, of course, you know. And it was the funniest thing, dude.

I walk in, and I'm like, hey, man, I want to get a warm. I was like, is this jacket warm? And that guy goes like this, yeah, it's pretty warm. So far, I'm like, eh like it's the worst salesman of all time and i was like oh yeah cool and i said uh all right so is this um so but this will keep me warm he's like yeah it should do the trick i'm like all right so uh okay um what about this stuff over here and he says uh that's women's i was like oh they got cool colors over here and I was like yeah but the men's over here and I was like

okay cool then I passed the women's just because I was strolling around and then I walked to the back and I was like oh what's this stuff what's this jacket and he said oh that'll keep you really warm and I was like man why the fuck didn't you tell me this in the fucking I just was asking about warm jackets

I was like this is for guys and he was like yeah I was like fuck didn't you tell me this in the fucking i just was asking about warm jackets i was like this is for guys and he was like yeah i was like why didn't you tell me this shit was over here he was like ah dude my bad and i was like he was so white it looked like you fucking skateboarded literally to the back of the store to meet me and um and then and then i got there and then and i and I picked up the jacket, and I was like, should I get this one or this one? And he was like, depends how warm you want to be. And I was like, man, I don't know. I'm traveling to like the Midwest and stuff.

What do I need? He's like, this should be okay. I said, cool, how much is it? And he told me the price, and I was like, all right, cool. Ring it up because I'm dentless. And he said, are you Chris D'Elia from Instagram? Got offended. And then, done much more than that.

And then, not from a social media app. And then, I'm not a fucking influencer. And then, I don't do jokes about girls' butts getting an Uber and then my girl finding out and then me going like, oh, no, no, baby, I'm sorry. And then, I got the jacket. And then I turned to the fucking whitest dude on the planet who works there. And I said, hey, man, I was like, yo, your name's fucking Travis or some shit, huh? Literally, quote, that's what I said. And the guy actually said, nah, Austin.

And I laughed and I said, yeah, fucking of course it is. And then I walked out. And as I walked out, there was another employee I didn't see that looked. He was even whiter. He was actually his skin was whiter and his hair was blonder. He had long hair and less of Apache, more of Apache beard. That's so white to have Apache beard unless you're fucking Navajo, you know, or Theo. And then I fucking said, hey, what is your, I said, hey, you're Travis, huh?

And he said, nah, Ethan. Hey, man, just say yeah. Is your name Travis? If I say is your name Travis and you say and your name is Ethan, just say yeah. If I say is your name Travis and you say if I say your name is Travis and your name is Austin, just say yeah. Your name might as well be white guy. That song sicko mode, dude. First heard it, hated it.

They played enough, like it. I'm a sucker. Hey, keep on playing it, man. Keep on fucking playing it. All right, I like it now, dude. Are you goddamn happy? Are you fucking happy dude first heard it changed it second heard it changed it third fourth fifth sixth ninth time heard it didn't like it 1756 time

heard it on fucking shady xl or whatever the fuck fine dude okay fine i like it cell or whatever the fuck fine dude okay fine i like it it's bullshit when a song changes in the middle by the way you know what i mean make another song how many fucking times can a rapper be like the song's like down down down down down down down down and then two minutes in it's like Down, down. Down, down. Down, down. And then two minutes in, it's like... And you're like, oh, it's a different song?

No, it's the same fucking song. Okay, change your fucking track listing. You fucking lazy-ass motherfuckers. She thought it was the ocean. It's a pool give me the loot she thought it was an ocean but it's a pool who you have what brain dead chicks are you hanging out with by the way she thought it was an ocean but it's a pool pool looks nothing like an ocean Give me the loot. A pool's a pool. A pool's small. Also, a pool is fucking light blue.

An ocean is... Oh, I get what he's saying. The pool was real big, but also the ocean was light blue. The ocean is like... Dude... I don't know. I don't care enough.

Salt water pool. You know, care enough. Salt water pool. You know, you had a salt water pool. Whatever, dude. You're hanging out with a brain dead idiot girl. How about that? She thought it was my apartment, but it's a plane. She thought it was a fucking coffee maker, but it's a blender. a fucking coffee maker, but it's a blender. She thought it was a building complex, but it's just my house. She thought it was heaven, but that was just nothing inside her. Give dude how disrespectful is hip-hop like the fucking so funny about the like so fucked how like you know people will be

about mad about baby it's cold outside and then rappers will be like fuck these bitches they just hoes only good for coming in them. And then people are like, well, we got to get rid of that Christmas song. Like, hey, pick a way to be and be that way, dude. Be that way. Don't choose what Changri about. Don't choose what Changri about. You know? Anyway, I'm sporting the fucking baby's hoodie because it's the shit.

Look at that blue. Look at the way it fucking pops, dude. Look at that blue the way it pops. I have brown eyes. If I had blue eyes, imagine the fucking towels girls would need when they were walking around me. Imagine. They'd need those fucking super beach towels. If I had blue eyes with this hoodie, imagine the fucking cleanup we'd need those fucking super beach towels if i had blue eyes with this hoodie

imagine the fucking cleanup we'd need get the people be like are there snails everywhere i'm missing i don't see them and be like nah chris wore the fucking blue baby hoodie with his ice cold eyes and they'd be like i get it i'll go get more towels i'm about to take it off though because it's getting hot in here because i'm because you know we do podcasts and it's work and when you do work you sweat wow it's amazing that's what's up dude you know how we do it did you were you fucking had you any idea dude that's what's up that's how we do it babies now i got the white t-shirt on because i'm fucking in the uniform man

also it looks good around my fucking what the fuck dude what the fuck, dude? What the fuck? What the fuck is going... Did I eat spinach before this? What happened? What happened? Dude! Screenshot it up, lads!

It's fucking on. For those of you just listening, I mean, I put a flex on it, dude. I put a goddamn flex on it. Whatever. Stay dentless in 2019, you motherfuckers. What is that a fucking what is that noise plane nice

I did I was in I got a oh I saw that fire documentary. Did you see that about that? Is it Billy McFarlane? It's so, is he related to Seth McFarlane? I mean, it looks like him. And his last name is McFarlane.

And there was a guy in the documentary that looked like Steve Irwin. And there was another guy in the documentary that looked like someone else. I saw, I don't know there are there two on netflix the one on netflix i saw um so i saw the the one on netflix and i'm gonna have a festival dude i'm gonna start a festival that just fucking straight up inspired me to start a festival. That guy's going to jail for six years? I won't. I'll have a fucking – I'll tell people exactly what they're going to get. And basically, it's basically this fucking cult. Then we go to the island and I talk and that's it.

And it's a fucking – it's awesome and it is not a rager. Fuck these people. Dude, it's so – I can't a fucking, it's awesome. And it is not a rager. Fuck these people. Dude, it's so, I can't. Ultimate kudos right there, by the way. Just see a festival and a flyer and are like, oh, I'll go. Like, what the fuck? Anybody, all of those people deserved what happened to them. I mean, nobody died, right?

But like, dude, that guy, that guy doesn't deserve to go to jail. That guy deserves awards. Fuck these dumb motherfuckers. I mean, it was so obvious it was going to be a train wreck. Before it happened, everyone was like, this is going to be terrible. You saw the pictures of the concentration camp looking ass motherfucker tents. And Ja Rule, dude, did you see the thing? Did you see the documentary?

I mean, dude, I don't want to hate. I mean, Ja Rule has made some fucking pretty cool music. I don't want to hate. I mean, Ja Rule has made some fucking pretty cool music. On that documentary, he seemed like the biggest dork. Like, he seemed so massively dorky. He should work for the fucking Geek Squad. He should be like, yo, Best Buy, you hiring?

And just come by and be like, the problem is you don't have enough bandwidth. You need more USB ports. With his fucking hit mob tattoo around his neck. Eh! Dark! He should have a fucking geek squad tattoo around his neck instead. Somebody photoshop that. Hit mob!

Dude, there was something he said. The way he looks on the boat with that... By the way, how do you look like a bigger dork than that Billy McFarlane guy? Also, Billy McFarlane, the way you look and your name and the shape of your body. How are you not a country music singer? Dude, Billy McFarlane has the number one country music singer body. I can't believe it. Where it's like, you look like you should be in shape, dude, but you're not because you just chill and drink Coronas.

That guy could get in the best shape because he's tall and he's got fucking... That guy, dude. Girls love a guy like that. That's not good looking but could be girls love a guy that's not good looking but could be that's the number one guy that gets the most chicks like straight up because girls are like yeah but he's like he doesn't work out because he's always like busy making money and like he's like he could be good looking but he's like, he doesn't work out because he's always like busy making money. And like, he's like, he could be good looking, but he's not.

And I'm the good looking one in the relationship. Girls, that guy fucked up, dude. Because he could be, well, he's not in jail yet, is he? No, he is in jail, right? That guy, he's probably still got the hottest girlfriend in jail. And then guys are like, how the fuck did you get the girl in here and he's just like oh dude it's just like there's ways there's loopholes man drinking a corona with his shirt off not giving a fuck you just aren't looking at it in the right way you can get hot chicks in here man

really yeah are you in a ham sandwich yeah is that Is that Boar's head? Yeah, dude. There's loopholes, man. I get a guy go out and get it from the deli, man. There's loopholes. Are you wearing sandals? Yeah, dude. You can just... There's loopholes, man. I mean, dude.

It's so... That guy's so... I'm telling you, that guy gets more fucking pussy than Brad Pitt. No doubt. I'm telling you that guy gets more fucking pussy than Brad Pitt no doubt he gets new chicks that just came out and they're already like 20 like whoa nobody ever saw this chick before she's a new chick that's on the planet now

and fucking Billy McFarlane is rolling with her dude Ja Rule though it's so funny seeing there's one shot of Billy McFarlane and Ja Rule is so short in it that it's like only over the top of his head it's so funny dude and Ja Rule is drinking a Corona

he doesn't know that the shot is like that and he's just like being fucking badass with his hit mob squad dude hit mob I can't get over yo hey you know what as a matter of fact it doesn't say hit mob it says geek squad that's what it says because jar rule fucking winked at the camera and drank a corona

i saw him do it on the fire documentary and that's not murder you know what that not is you know what that's not it you know what that's not murder that's not murder how can you say it's murder if you never murdered anybody, by the way? It's murder. No, it's not, dude. It's straight up not. It's not murder, Ja Rule. It's the opposite of murder because you never murdered.

You might as well be, this is a bat mitzvah. No, it's not. It's not that either. Stop saying things. It's. No, it's not. It's not that either. Stop saying things that's not saying things it is. It's dorky. That's what it is. That's what it is. Dude, he,

when they said the thing like, we're going to live like kings or whatever thing and fuck like porn stars, they did not fuck like, well, they probably did fuck like porn stars, but they got fuck like porn stars. They did not fuck like. Well, they probably did fuck like porn stars, but they got fucked like porn stars. That's for sure, too. And that is a goddamn fucking doors open Denny's Grand Slam.

You're damn right. I said it. I served you up a fucking piping hot. Oh, dude, were you in the mood for sausage links? Because you just got some along with an omelet. Along with some hash browns with cheese on it that were loaded along with a fucking chocolate milk. But yeah, dude, that fire documentary was actually it was actually really good. It was good. It showed it wasn't, you know, but man, do they.

This guy, he's just I guess he's a sociopath. Because a guy that just is like not taking no for an answer and then all of a sudden the shit went down and then he was like no. And then he tried to turn, he was still trying to scam people while he was waiting to get, like while he was awaiting trial. Imagine not stop, just not stopping scamming. He should be, that's, he should be a rapper. He's harder than Ja Rule. He should get hit mob squad on him. God damn, dude.

Ja Rule, you know? Him and Akon hanging out 4-6. It's murder. It's murder. What's the fucking song? The fucking song with him and Jennifer Lopez, you know? Was there a more fucking 90s song than a song with Ja Rule and Jennifer Lopez? It's murder. We never murdered anybody.

Yeah. What's the song? It was like, I kind of have it in my head. That then, oh, oh yeah. Was it? Oh dude.

Nothing more nineties than a song called I'm real. Number one thing, not real saying you're real. No. Um, oh dude, this is so funny. Nope.

That's weird, man. I want the uncensored version, dude. Can you do that on YouTube? Probably not. Yeah, but not for ads. Dirty video. Dirty video, it says in parentheses. Okay.

Dork. Who fucking uploaded that narc dude it bothers me how i mean so crass dude so crass zero to 60 crassness in fucking 0.05 seconds right here so crass right here you know what bothers me about Ja Rule is that he's so into himself when he raps I can't say it I'm a white guy he was always like winking, you know? Wow. Only God can hold me.

What is this shit? You know? What the fuck is this shit? Literally 20 years later i i realize that's what she's saying only only god can hold me really a guy can hold you and so can a girl only god can hold me pussy hoes and then right only god can hold me pick a lane like what are they even do they even know each other you know what i mean do they have they even met or are they just like this some guys like yeah your. And they fly it to fucking wherever he is. Your turn.

Where's Ja Rule? Down here. Oh, here you go. Pussy hoes. They're talking about God. Ha ha. Hit mop. Murder.

It's not. Oh, well, fuck it. You know what? I mean, how do you do it? That was the beginning of the fucking what the hell is going on in this world right now. When Ja Rule said pussy hoes and fucking Jennifer Lopez said only God can hold me in the same song. Going to hell. Dude, Jennifer Lopez is going to die all fucking hot when she's 80, you know? She's going to be so slamming when she's 80.

And then she's going to get up to the gates and St. Peter's going to be like, yo, you got to go to hell. And she's going to be like, why? And he's going to be like, she said, only God can hold me. She's like, isn't that a good thing? And he said, oh, yeah, but the problem is you did it on a song that Ja Rule said, pussy hoes on. And then she's going to be like, no.

And then fly all the way down to fucking hell. And then Ja Rule, and she's going to land right next to Ja Rule, and Ja Rule is going to be like, well, it's murder now, huh, pussy hoe?

It's hot. Hit my, do you want to join my hit mob? And he's just going to plug a fucking USB cord into a USB outlet. You want, you want the code to the Wi-Fi? Oh, shit. Hey, St. Peter, can I get into heaven? No.

But why? I said only God can hold me. Yeah, I know, but you did it on a song that Ja Rule was on, and he said, pussy ho. See you, bitch. Whoa. All the way down. Ka-kung. And then, oh, said that Ja Rule was on that and he said pussy ho see ya bitch whoa all the way down and then oh hey Ja Rule hey how's it doing you want to turn to the wifi

geek squad and then they're gonna fucking go to and then and then and then it's this song the rest of the fucking eternity the only man in hell is a bulky hollow hollow hollow This song, the rest of the fucking eternity. Dude, I fucking love hip hop, dude.

It's so hilarious. I think if, I mean, oh, God. Smurring. Oh, man. Yeah, so. Oh, fuck. So the fire documentary. documentary so just these i just imagine they had these instagram models post a bunch of fucking thing about the fire festival imagine being the kind of guy to see that and then be like we got

to go and just imagine being that kind of guy i gotta go and then paying fucking thousands and thousands of dollars upon thousands and thousands of dollars to get like a cabana and then showing up and it's basically you're in Auschwitz you know what it's fucking it's murder then that's what's that's what he that's what it's fucking that's what he meant

murder then that's what's that's what he that's what it's fucking that's what he meant um anyway gosh so funny dude to me something funny happened yeah i'm gonna do misconnections soon but something funny happened Happened when I was in Boulder. I was ordering an iced Americano as I do before I left to go to Colorado Springs on the ride there. And I got downstairs to get it. There was like a bar that had coffee there. And I said, hey, can I get an iced Americano? And he said, sure.

I said, cool. And he said, just sign this and sign your room. I wrote the room, and then he was like, and what's your last name? And I said, D'Elia. And he said, oh, really? Are you Chris D'Elia? How did you? I have a question for that guy how did you do that how did you do that how did you do that yourself and then how did you make me feel this way oh last name for the room?

D'Elia. Oh, are you Chris D'Elia? I'm the fucking guy from The Wire meme. That, you know what I'm talking about? Who's that guy? Last name for the room? D'Elia. Oh, are you Chris D'Elia?

Hey, man, how did you do that? How did you become the person where that happened? And I couldn't wait to tell my dad because that's something he would think is so funny. Nothing my dad would think is funny. My dad thought it was so funny once he was at a Dodger game and some guy said, hey, do you have a pen? He overheard

some guy say, hey, do you have a pen? And then the other guy said no. And and some guy said hey do you have a pen he overheard some guy say hey do you have a pen and then the other and another guy said no and then the guy said do you have two pens and my dad thought it was so funny and there's nothing more my dad would think is funny than that and then retell it and be laughing while he tell it and then me and my brother would be like yeah it's pretty funny but you know what only God can hold me that's like that Brett Ernst joke that's so funny when people say Only God can hold me. It's like that bread-earned joke that's so funny when people say only God can judge me. No, a fucking judge can judge you. That's so funny.

That's probably my favorite bread-earned joke. Oh, fuck. I mean, I haven't heard him in a long time. His new shit is probably popping. That guy's funny as shit. Yeah, so... I mean, hi, what's your name, Chris D'Elia, oh, are you Chris D'Elia, what, okay, yeah, sure, I guess, now I am, left in my North Face jacket, man, I love my North Face jacket,

what else we can do misconnections I guess what was the thing that Ja Rule did where my jaw dropped he winked and then took it he winked at the camera I'm sorry winking to an audience is the is just so um there's a lot of good documentaries on a on netflix i saw that one um the taylor swift one you know what I was thinking is also I get like,

like I was thinking about like, if you were talking about this with Mr. Chocolate Milk, if, if I like, there's the internet now, right? And like Harrison Ford wasn't coming up around the internet now.

Granted, he's way, way more famous than I am and all that shit. But like in the 80s when Harrison Ford was walking around, he just thought everybody loved him, you know? Like nobody was tweeting him, hey man, you fucking suck, your movie sucked. There were those people but he didn't know of them because none of those pussy ass mark ass pussy hoes would fucking walk up to him in real life those trolls and be like hey man you suck and your last movie sucked

so he would walk into a restaurant and everyone would be like oh amazing like the fucking wire uh meme they'd be like it's amazing and even those haters a lot of those people that tweet people would walk up to them in a restaurant and be like oh big fan because they just they don't know how to act period whether online or in person so they're not even a person so they just say whatever they say whenever the moment hits them so now somebody who is even way maybe more famous than harrison ford uh taylor swift maybe probably same but uh she's like the most like you could look up negative shit on her all day long but that's how it would have been for fucking Harrison Ford too. And I got in my head because there's a few – because of my world or whatever online,

I see Taylor Swift hate because like, oh, it's corny. It's this and that. She did this and that. But then i saw that retaliation thing on netflix and like there's fucking hundreds of thousands of people that are like like screaming her music at her while she's doing it and i'm like oh dude that fucking hate literally doesn't matter. And so I thought about it with myself because, like, you know,

everyone gets negative shit online. I get hate online, of course, you know, especially saying the fucking stupid shit I say. But, like, it was kind of inspiring and it kind of helped me because I was like, oh, dude, she's like the most, like the most loved is the most hated. And I guess I knew that. But, oh, it's reputation, not retaliation. Like the most loved is the most hated. And I guess I knew that. But.

Oh, it's Reputation, not Retaliation. Retaliation was the fucking Dane Cook album, I think. Yeah. Reputation. Reputation. Got it. Okay, cool. Anyway.

But yeah. It's like if Madonna was coming up back then. I should have used Madonna, not Harrison Ford. But like people would just have, people would be hating on Madonna. But that was, it's interesting to think about because you just think of also Taylor Swift as like a positive person. And that is important too, you know, because sometimes I'm not. But whatever. Whatever.

I got us, huh? I got us babies, don't I? Yeah, we're on it. Okay, let's do Miss Connections. Do we have an elder this week or no? No, we didn't do it. Okay. Miss Connections. Here we go.

Zoom it on in. Well, I bet I know where this is going. Looking for Mr. Johnsonconnections. Here we go. Zoom it on in. Well, I guess I bet I know where this is going. Looking for Mr. Johnson. Hey. Remember, we met in your apartment. I mean, how can you not remember that? Yeah. You know, your house.

Took my heels with me and forgot to get them. What does that even mean? Oh, forgot to take them what does that even mean uh oh forgot to take them home i guess i felt so good after you were done with me i tasted chocolate and i never want to go back so i guess this is a white girl talking about a black guy. Oh, white guy talking about a white black guy. Male for male. Right? Chocolate.

That's what he's hinting at. Unless I'm racist. Do not contact with him unless his services are offers. Wait, so male for male, but he had heels on. So I guess he considers himself a guy, but still wears heels, I guess. I remember we met in your apartment, took my heels with me, and forgot to get them. Okay, man, I mean, you know, like, why don't you have a better way of getting in touch with this guy that you're at his apartment? Oh, this one. Adult breastfeeding.

Hi, all. I feel like that's what Kevin Spacey says when he enters a room. Hi, all, no matter how many people are in it, even if he's alone. Hi, all, every room. Bathroom. Hi, all, walks back out into the other room. Hi, all, forgot something. Oh, excuse me, I have to go back and get something. Hi, all, comess back out into the other room. Hi, all. Forgot something. Oh, excuse me.

I have to go back and get something. Hi, all. Comes back out to the hallway. Hi, all. Looking for... Looking for women... Oh, looking for woman to suckle from. You don't have to be lactating, K-Man.

You just want to suck lactating, okay, man? You just want to suck tits, you know? It's not breastfeeding if you're just sucking tits. Fucking perv. You're on Craigslist. Why don't you just go for it? Look, why are you beating around the bush? Look, you know, it's just all good.

I mean, I'd like to, you know, breastfeeding, you know, it's a natural thing. Anyway, you don't have to be lactating, but. Oh, I didn't even see the next sentence. Wow. I got to start over again. Hi, all. Looking for a woman to suckle from. You don't have to be lactating.

Dry is cool. Oh, wow. Hey, what a guy. Hey, dude. Oh, wow. Hey, what a guy. Hey, dude. Wow, man. What a fucking guy. That's cool. You'll let it be dry.

Oh, dude, you'll just suck on some dry tits? Well, are you Mother Teresa? Mother? Been into... I don't even know what that is. been into, I don't even know what that is. ANR ABF since I was 16 and have had a few partners since then,

but currently don't have one. Not looking to bounce partner to partner. I am into all ages. Well, not true. Can't be under 18. All sizes. Probably not true.

Shapes, colors, maybe. And all races. Already said it. Dundon. I currently go to school and work part-time. So I am a bit stressed. Hoping to relax and help part-time, so I am a bit stressed. Hoping to relax and help my partner relax as well.

I'm very respectful and kind. I'm a laid-back guy with a go-with-the-flow kind of attitude. Yeah. I mean, if interested, please reply. I mean, yeah, you'll suck dry tits, dude. You're pretty laid-back. Hey, what's up? Are you like a laid-back kind of guy? I mean, you'll suck dry tits dude you're pretty laid back imagine hey what's up are you like a laid-back kind of guy i mean i'll suck dry tits huh huh yeah you're pretty laid back then most guys just want to get that fucking milk i mean dude the title of this one hairy disciplinarian needed. Attractive guy, gym build, dark blonde, 49, 5'11", 185 pounds, discreet.

Seeking a masculine guy under 40 with quite hairy arms who can tan my hide? Reply with your age, description, and or photo. Serious, please. Yeah, man. One thing you never have to write on or photo. Serious, please. Yeah, man. One thing you never have to write on Craigslist is serious, please. Because people are just going to do what they're going to do, you know? Like, imagine you're like, oh, I'm going to fucking, I was going to fuck with this guy.

Oh, nah. So serious. What? Look at this one. Rich with the fancy harley davidson on the evening of saturday 119 you took me for a spin on your harley then i how do you not know this guy i did this is what i don't get how do these guys go that you were on this guy's motorcycle with him and you got to go to Craigslist to get in touch with him? Imagine me ever on someone's motorcycle with them,

and then they zip away afterwards, and I'm like, oh, fuck, how do I get in touch with that person? My nuts were on his back. Weird. On the evening of Saturday 119, you took me for a spin on your Harley. Then I saw you in the store. I mean, okay, so you saw this guy twice? You don't have his fucking info?

I should have lingered longer. Just fucking ask for his information. Ask for his name. Get him on Instagram or Facebook. I hope this post finds you. I'm the worst at getting in touch with someone. Please respond with the name of my favorite indian city thank you i mean could you guys could you make it more difficult the worst james bond bro get it together the worst tracker of all the worst tracker of all time.

Imagine this guy in the fucking wilderness trying to get back home. Would die immediately. As soon as he got dropped off. They'd be like, all right, see you later. And they'd zip away and the guy would go, oh, and just die. Reply with the name of my favorite Indian cityian city you know this guy knows about your favorite indian city and you don't know this guy's fucking name ah here's a motorcycle oh this one title

buff that's it just buff and then in the body any muscle guys want a free massage nothing sexual just want to give a free massage muscle guys only hey man we don't believe you. Not sexual, but muscle guys only. Let me preface this by saying, any muscle guys want a free massage? Dude, here's the song for you. Here's the song for you, for that post. Oh my God, you know? We don't... mean dude here this is the song for you

there's no such thing as a perfect writer. Angry. Angry. Angry. Angry with the ads. Yo, you're lying. He's lying. And she's lying. My man over there, he's lying. You know what? You're building up a bunch of lies. This is the greatest rap song of all time, I swear to God.

Cool Keith. I don't believe you. You moving big weight. I don't believe you. You got the newest bins. I don't believe you. You got the girls ready. I don't believe you. You moving big weight. I don't believe you. You say you like muscle guys only. I don't believe you. You say it's not sexual. I don't believe you.

Cooking steel pots. I don't believe you. You going on soul train. I don't believe you. You say you want to give a free massage. I don't believe you. Cash and royalties. I don't believe you. You don't want to fuck this muscle guy.

I don't believe you. Do not contact me with unsolicited offers or unsolicited service or offers. I don't believe you. You take solicited offers. I believe that. I mean, this song. I mean, you work at Warner Brothers. This is the next one.

You know? The back and forth of this. solo kid i don't believe you you smacking anybody i don't believe you you got your own label i don't believe the back and forth of this the back and forth of this is so great you working hard lady i don't believe you you like the clock work i don't believe you the the the the back and forth of this song is great how it it great. How it doesn't like arc. Like it just goes like from shit that you wouldn't believe to stuff that like why the fuck wouldn't you believe that? And then back to like, you own a record label. I don't believe you. You tie your own shoes.

I don't believe you. You got in fights. I don't believe you. And then you put the carpet down. I don't believe you and then you put the carpet down i don't believe you you're like what that's the best part of the song that's actually genius if it started one way and went down or if it if it started at the top it went down or started down and went top it would be less good and i wouldn't even think of that. Remember that song? I'm seeing robots. La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

I'm seeing robots. Cool Keith is so, I want to say he's underappreciated, but he's not. People fucking love him. Seeing robots. This song, dude. You move stiff on Soul Trey Poppin'. Best lyric of all time on any song. Any song.

Pagers. These are the things that robots carry. Yeah, well. They get their hair done. They get their hair done! The back and forth of Cool Keith is hilarious. That's not a good version. Hold on. This is not it.

This is it. Hold on. I'm seeing robots. Hold on. This may be better. La la la la la la la, la, la, la. Isn't that? Voicemail. Pagers. These are the things that robots carry. They get their hair done.

Eyes made up. Eyes made up. Different effects to their body. Okay. It's a half-ass in it. Too many to even know. It's a half-ass in it. It's a half-ass in it. God damn, this is good. Best line ever, dude. You move stiff on Soul Train Poppin'.

Dude, so funny. God damn. The album's called Black Elvis Lost in space. Wow. This guy, dude, I'm seeing robots. All right.

All right. That's good. Look up some cool key shit. That's good. And gets, and, and I've been seeing you guys with the baby's shirts and the wouldn't make a dent shirts at my shows, man. That's very cool to see that.

Download my app and you can see the podcast before anybody else. Support the show by buying merch at store.christalia.com. Store.christalia.com. Follow the store. We get new wouldn't make a dent shirts we just re-upped. Everyone's always complaining that those are sold out. They sell out very quickly. new wouldn't make a dent shirts we just re-upped everyone's always complaining that those are sold out they sell it very quickly if you're on reddit join the

congratulations pod subreddit that's new I don't know what that even fucking means but one fire told me to say it so subscribe to the YouTube channel that really helps thank you very much and video episodes go up a day after the audio podcast you can watch me on comedian you can watch me on Comedians of the World.

My episode is number two. It's called Non-Stop. You can watch Man on Fire. And let me know, babies. Have a good one. And I'm coming to you. Oh, by the way, St. Louis got rescheduled to the 24th, I think. So you can get tickets for that.

Anyway, Madison, Milwaukee, Windsor, Hamilton, Kalamazoo, Anaheim, San Ynez. And that's it. You guys are great. Thanks for listening, and I'll see you next week. Thank you.