Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 105. Krustin'

Episode Date: January 28, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about his beef with DirecTV. Also discussed: the cities in Colorado, porn, Jon Ronson, and George Harrison. Plus, we do Missed Connections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. What's up, babies? Hi, how's everybody doing? It's right now, for me, Monday, the 20-something on January. And I know that.

I know that it's the date. First of all, you can download my app and watch the first 10 minutes of the podcast that way before anybody else typing Crystalia and all that shit. Also, I got – let me start over. They're all sold out but I got a show in Milwaukee, Madison and also Chicago. And hello, Chicago. I added another show because it sold out so quickly and that show sold out in practically a day.

So I added a third show in Chicago and that's on sale now and it's selling out so chicago's my market i don't know what the deal is but um you know i i uh chicago hey i don't know you know and i normally don't say stuff like this but chicago loves your boy and so i don't understand it but uh we're gonna go with it because chicago isn't that that song chicago my kind of town isn't that a song chicago's my kind of town same note four times tone deaf but um yeah um i i i love chicago and i'm gonna go this weekend and it's gonna be absolutely freezing but it's also gonna be so fucking hot when i go back in july but uh i'm you know we'll see if we add a fourth one but that's a lot of tickets man that's going to be over 10 000 tickets in a market and uh i you know

i don't normally do this like i'm going to do a lot of stuff i don't normally do on the on the podcast but um hell uh well that's free show. That's three free show. So one free show. So yeah, sporting the fucking baby's look. Dude, by the way, the merch is going crazy. Get it. Get it picked up.

Extra merch picked. Scoop that up and then bring it to the show and wear it. I see how you're out there with your fucking wouldn't make a wouldn't make a shirt. And then I see also the baby shirts and I see the shirts with my silhouette on and I see the follow the leader tour shirts. It means you guys are helping me back up the fucking, the motherfucking Brinks truck. Right. Not right. So you guys were,

you know, as you know, we're trying to keep the fucking Brinks truck going in reverse. And, you know, I mean, it barely goes forward anymore. So,

okay. That's enough of that. Yeah. So the, so the reason why I know what date it is is because DirecTV is supposed to come to my fucking house on the 31st now. I put out a little bit of a hot freestyle on my Instagram, my Twitter, and my YouTube about how I was feeling about DirecTV and my troubles with DirecTV.

Now, is DirecTV the worst customer service on the planet? Yes, it is. It's the worst customer service on the planet. You would get better customer service from a hooker crack whore. You know? You'd be like, where is she? She was supposed to be here and give me some crack and a blowjob, but she's not reliable.

And you'd be like, well, at least we're not dealing with DirecTV. Apparently ever since DirecTV merged with AT&T, AT&T said, fuck it, and just want to get a bunch of new customers and not keep the pre-existing customers happy. I don't know what the deal is. What I do know is I've called DirecTV like they're my fucking ex-girlfriend, like they're my ex-girlfriend and we're just trying to fucking salvage what we have left but we can't i'm calling them too much and they're not calling back which is another thing why they're like my ex-girlfriend okay that sucks um and it's absolutely fucking ridiculous because they're supposed to come let me just break down the fucking story for you guys. Okay, babies, look.

Here's what is going on. Am I clearing my throat too much? Yeah. Is it because it's that time of year? Yeah. Is it coming from my throat and my fucking, the post nasal? Yeah. Did I put creamer in my coffee which i never do and it activated a

little bit more this morning yes are we gonna get through it yeah but um yeah so i want two extra boxes of fucking direct tv now here's what we're not gonna do okay motherfuckers nobody's gonna say whoa first world problems we're not gonna do that do you know why because you're listening to this podcast therefore in the first world okay nobody's listening to the podcast in a fucking hut so don't be such a fucking you know i when people say that kind of shit it drives me nuts whoa first world problems because you're only saying that on the internet which means you're in the first world you're commenting it under a youtube vid you're in the first world okay so i uh all my problems are first world problem you know why i'm in the first world baby so anyway i called um direct tv now already i don't wanna so direct I called, um, direct TV.

Now already I don't want to. So direct TV, you better make it easy. Now, do they make it easy? No. Why don't they make it easy? Because they already have me as a customer. They don't think I'll cancel. What they don't know is your boy will cancel and your boy will go to dish. Your boy will take the dish off the top of the fucking house and he will bring it down in

the front yard leave it there and have a guy drive by and pick it up i don't give a fuck is it going to cost me money doesn't matter we're out here to prove a point plus my my brinks trucks ah so i mean we all know which direction they go. What? So I call the fucking DirecTV guy. Now, let's do a guess. Does he speak English well? Ah, you already know. All right?

So, hello, how are you doing? We'll talk to, hello, this is DirecTV. Okay, yeah, cool. First of all, I want to see you really value you as a customer. Stop right there. You don't need to tell me how much you value me as a customer because you actually aren't DirecTV. You're just a guy they hired. You don't give a fuck. You have your own family.

You go home and you forget about my phone call. And that's fine, dude. That is absolutely fine. So don't say the fucking transcript shit. Don't say the shit that they tell you to say. I'm a person. You purse. Let's do this.

Okay? And he says, oh, so what's the problem? What's going on? I said, I just want two boxes. And he says, okay. Now, oh, let me give you a fucking backstory. The guy, when they first showed up and gave me the first boxes they came up the first guy that came big samoan type looking dude comes in hey what's

up i said oh hey i'm we need to put boxes over here and he says oh i can't do that if the guy's not here if your video audio guy isn't here i said really and he said yeah i said okay so can you come when can you come next time he said uh friday i said that's perfect that's when my video audio guy's coming oh and he said okay i said can you make next time? He said, uh, Friday. I said, that's perfect. That's when my video audio guy's coming. Oh. And he said, okay. I said, can you make the appointment? And he said, sure.

I said, can you make it right now in front of me? And he said, sure. He pulled up his little bullshit thing that looked like a Palm pilot. Hey, DirecTV, you using Palm pilots? And he fucking plugged it in. He said, cool. Appointment's all set for Friday. I said, oh, great.

He said it to my face. I looked at his eyes and this Samoan guy said it to my face. So he left Friday. Ah, what the fuck? You guessed it. The video audio guy was the only guy that showed up. The fucking direct TV guy didn't show up. So when the video audio guy showed up, I asked him and I said, Hey man, they said that they couldn't do it without you. And he said, oh, that's bullshit. They do it all the time. And I said, huh? So not only did he lie and was he a lazy fucko, he's not here when he said he would be. So they came the next day and did it. A new guy, a different guy came, did it without the video and audio guy and still did

it. So that first guy is lying. All right. So now everybody's a goddamn liar at DirecTV so far I've dealt with, except for the new guy. So now I'm already pissed when I'm calling. So I call him up and I say, hey, I need two boxes. And he says, okay. I say, send me the confirmation. And he says, okay, we can send a confirmation. I said, can you, he said, what's the email? Can I send it to? I said, why don't you just text it to me? So I get it right now. And he says, okay, can't do it right now, but we'll get it to you in the hour. I said, so to be clear, you're texting me. I said, what's my phone number?

He told me my phone number. I said, so be clear. You're texting me this confirmation in one hour. And he said, yes. I said, great. So we'll have it in one hour. And if I don't, I'll call back. And he says, okay.

Now the video, now the, the, the call was, was already, uh, by the uh by the way they record all these call for for fucking whatever purpose they record these bullshits for you need to fucking listen to these back again okay anyway i wait i sit and i fucking wait i literally sit and i wait for one hour the second the hour goes by, I check my fucking texts. Absolutely nothing. Just texts from fuck-ups, friends, family members. So I call them immediately and I get, guess what? A new person, which is highly fucking annoying.

But I get it. Okay? So now it's a female. All good. A little bit better to deal with. Can understand the words she's saying no so she's saying i i explained to her what i just explained to you what happened and she says okay well we'll send you uh we'll make sure that the thing i oh wait the first guy i fucking told he i said hey i need a guy to come out thursday and he says okay well let me check uh okay well earliest i could come is sat. I said, oh, no, we can't do that. He's got to come Thursday. He says,

well, unfortunately, we can't have it Saturday. We can't have it Thursday. We have to have Saturday. I said, well, see, what you got to do is you got to move some stuff around. I don't really care what you do, but guys got to come Thursday. How's that sound? And the guy says, well, let me check. Okay, so we can have them come thursday so now now i'm pissed because he could have done it what changed in the last second just me saying no do it all right so now he said all that i didn't get the confirmation so all can now i'm calling a flash flashback no flashback back forward to the fucking lady so now i'm talking i said yeah can you do the thing i didn't get the fucking

confirmation text and she says oh okay um i don't know why you didn't get it but uh we can we can guarantee you get a confirmation text within 24 hours and i said well now the first guy said i could get it in an hour but you're telling me i can't get it in an hour i have to get it in 24 hours and she says yes i said well why'd that first guy tell me one hour and she says i don't know because you're not the fucking guy that's why because you're not the fucking guy you're a different person than this how you do it you keep pawning people off until you fucking the guy gives up but i'm not giving up man oh i don't give up dude i'm not giving up so i say okay so you're telling me to be clear in 24 hours, I'm going to have an email

and it's going to tell me that you're coming Thursday. And she says, yes, absolutely. I say, what's your name? She says her name. I don't remember it now. Meant to remember it. So it's okay. I wait. Now I go about my day. I sit, I eat, I sleep. I fucking wake up in the morning and I'm waiting. I'm waiting 1 PM. Im. I'm waiting because that's 24-hour mark. Guess what? The 24-hour mark goes by. No fucking text. No text.

I check my email. I get an email. Guess what the email says? The email says, a guy will be at your place from noon to four, anytime in between there. And get this,

it says he's coming today. The day I get the email. Now, we are five days away from Thursday. The confirmed goddamn place that they were coming. Today. This is when I get the email. 1210. He's coming from 12 to 4.

Today. I get the email at 1210. So already, 10 minutes, and I'm not home. I never said nobody said shit about today. Nobody said fucking shit about anybody coming today. Nobody said shit about it. Me, her guy. Nobody said shit.

Guess what your boy does? On his phone. I never type the thing faster i go into recent calls clear uh fucking hit it um and then i fucking get a new okay and i say i want a fucking email confirming you're coming thursday and i want it now and he says well unfortunately i can't send you an email that's not my jurisdiction i said okay when can I get the email? Now, this is Saturday. He says, ASAP is all I can say. I say, okay, ASAP. So now I sit and I wait. Sunday rolls around, no email.

Sunday night, I'm getting so pissed. No no email so i start firing off a few tweets i start firing off a tweet threatening i'm going to dish threatening i'm only going to use netflix threatening i'm using hulu threatening i'm using playstation threatening i'm going to get my streaming service from kirik i don't give a fuck okay they my phone rings It's an 800 number. My fucking phone rings. Don't know the fucking thing. Pick it up. Oh, hello. That's all I hear.

I say, yeah, who's this? I say, I hear DirecTV. I said, are you from DirecTV? And he says, yes. I say, are you calling me? He says, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la and in there they're in my dms oh what's your account number we need to pull it up we need to know your account number to this and that you don't need to know shit dude you know who the fuck i am i'm tweeting i got my account number i got it all it's all there i'm not telling another fucking bot i gotta call a fucking bot i gotta call a bot now i dealt with three people they

didn't know what the fuck they were doing. Now I got to tell Twitter I'm bot? My fucking... You got the calls recorded, man. You record them for fucking purposes. Ah! Go in there. See what the fucking problem is. Are you coming Thursday?

No confirmation email. I say, check my fucking account. I'm at dinner with my fucking family. Check my fucking account. I'm at dinner with my fucking family. Check my fucking account. You coming? The guy says, I can see there is an appointment where we are coming Thursday. I say, great. Still no email.

Still no email. But they're coming. They told me, dude. Now, let me tell you. When I get... This is unbelievable that they said that they fucking... When I get off this podcast, you better

fucking believe I'm calling the DirecTV and I'm calling them and I'm asking them for a fucking... Dude, I'm calling them every goddamn day until Thursday. And if you think I'm... If you think I'm telling you bullshit, then you are fucking absolutely out to lunch, dude.

I can't wait to, I want to be annoyed. I want to be annoyed. If you're going to play this game, I'm going to be annoyed. And you're dealing with this motherfucker. And I'm so happy with situations like this, that I have 800,000 Twitter followers and fucking 1.4 million Instagram followers. That's why I had to put the hottest freestyle out on my fucking Instagram talking about DirecTV. And YouTube.

It's on YouTube, dude. I'm shutting DirecTV down. If you're not, by the way, if you don't show up Thursday, oh, it's it. That's it. That's it, dude. I'm putting out a fucking album, dude.

I'm doing, I'm putting together a fucking well-crafted comedy bit and doing it on stage and opening my next special with it. That's what I'm doing. If you don't show up Thursday and I'm switching to Dish. Matter of fact, if you don't come, I'm taking all the dish employees out to dinner, dude. That's what I'm doing. And I'm winding and dining them, and I'm going to make fucking love

to them, dude. And they're going to want to. And now I'm going to show them a fucking beautiful time. And we're going to have a great relationship. Or me and all the dish employees. I don't give a fuck if they're guys or girls. It's not a gay or straight thing. It's a fucking retaliation thing to you motherfuckers on DirecTV. Because I don't fuck around with this shit, dude.

If I make an appointment with somebody and we say 1030 on fucking... First of all, I don't make an appointment that says, oh yeah, it's going to be between noon and four. I'll show up sometime. No. If that happened, I wouldn't be successful, you fucking dunces. I'm sorry I'm talking about this so much but motherfucker you know also if you have direct tv you know what's up dude i need to put a fucking hit out on you motherfuckers at direct tv this is unbelievable the employees you have the customer service you anyway dude you know it's it's just you know first world problems is what it is but it's all good

i by the way i i never talked did i talk about this last time on the on the fucking podcast about how the difference between Colorado and Utah? Did I? Denver is the shit. Denver, I'm excluding Denver from this conversation. Denver, hey, nice to meet you, Denver. Let's have a wonderful relationship. That's what I did with them fucking eight years ago.

And every time I go back to Denver, it's a great time. I walk around and it's fucking beautiful. I look around. And of course, Denver is a little bit hoity-toity. They like to act like they fucking, rockies didn't weren't just invented uh the the colorado rockies the baseball team wasn't an expansion team in the 90s seriously go fuck yourself with that shit you got to act like oh yeah you're so fucking you're so welcome that you're in denver hey uh you know isn't it amazing like i can't pack up and go somewhere else and just perform there and make the fucking bags. Oh, yeah.

Thank you so much for letting me come perform to you. Like, like I'm the lucky one. Bags. I'll get bags anywhere, dude. I'll get bags in fucking Florida. I'll get bags in Calgary when it's cold, dude, I'm going to fucking MKE getting bags on fucking Friday, dude, I'll build a snowman, dude, I'll catch a cold, I don't give a shit where I am, oh, congratulations, hey, congratulations, You're in fucking Denver in April.

Okay. Bags. Bottom line. Bags. Bottom line. I'm fucking out the door of the Learjet. Arm extended in a scoop in motion. Bags.

You understand? I'll go to fucking Chicago and get bags you say it shitty all right I'll go to fucking Chicago or Fargo and get bags all right so I don't give a fuck. Now, I started by saying Denver's awesome and I kind of veered off into Denver thinking that this shit. Okay, let's not forget the Rockies are an expansion team in 19-whatever. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. You know what I mean? When anytime someone asks,

oh, fuck yeah, weed's legal. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Okay? First of all, weed doesn't need to be legal. You can get high anywhere. Nobody gives a fuck. Yeah, but weed's no, no, no. Okay? First of all, weed doesn't need to be legal. You can get high anywhere. Nobody gives a fuck. Yeah, but weed's legal. All right, cool.

I can get weed from my fucking neighbor, and they're a family. Okay? I can literally ring the doorbell and be like, do you guys have weed? And they'll be like, I think we got some lying around. And they're a family. Okay? Okay? And they're a family.

Okay? So, went to Boulder and I want to talk about, you know, because I talked about it a little bit, but I want to talk about it more on this podcast. I went to Boulder and I went to Colorado Springs. Lighten the fuck up, Boulder. Okay? Because here's the thing that I started thinking about more. Boulder, every time people were like, where are you going next? I'd'd be like i'm going to utah and they're like oh is it weird over there no it's not it's not weird over there it's not weird over there boulder you're weird okay now that's not everybody in boulder but dude the crowd's there you guys need to

fucking relax all right you guys need to relax, because guess what that makes comedians want to do? Come more full throttle. And you can't even deal with fucking half throttle. You can't deal with Mach 6. And that makes us want to go Mach fucking 10, dude. Dude. Boulder.

Boulder. Colorado Springs? you kidding me boulder colorado springs and boulder some mock-ass bitches. And when you go there, and then they're like, oh, Colorado, is it weird? Dude, these liberal cities, these hippie motherfucker liberal cities, okay? These hippie flannel-wearing cargo pant motherfucking liberal cities, which, by the way, are goddamn beautiful looking.

Okay? But I went to fucking Salt Lake City and they were the shit. Now, let's stop pretending. People pretend like these fucking buttoned up, blazer wearing fucking audiences are tough when it's not the truth, dude. It is not the truth. Do you know who the tough audiences are? Those fucking, quote unquote, easygoing, liberal, fucking chilling ass, motherfucking weed smoking ass. Because you know why, dude?

Because you get offended so much. It used to be the opposite. In the so much. It used to be the opposite. In the 90s, it used to be the opposite. Republicans are Democrats. Democrats are Republicans. Now, it's not about being Republican or Democrat. It's just about just relax, dude. I did a fucking joke about something that literally never happened in the history of the world, and they got offended.

they got offended you can't get offended at a joke that's never that a joke that doesn't mean that has no basis in truth that that that has never happened in the history of the world you're gonna get upset about that what and then i went to salt lake City and head exploded emoji. Head explosion emoji. Come on, dude. You think you're not the way you are. That's my nightmare. That's my nightmare. You think you're not the way you are?

That's my nightmare. You think you're not the way you are? That's my nightmare. If anybody was like to me, that's my 100% number one nightmare world. Like you think you're a man of the people and people are like, dude, one thing about that guy is he is not the man of the people. I think I'm fucking secure and not insecure and a fucking confident guy. And everyone behind my back is like dude that guy's so insecure if you think you're one way and you're the actual other way people like that exist dude a lot of most people are like that no no no no no no dude that is my fucking nightmare i want to be the way i think i am otherwise it's it's over dude otherwise it's fucking real over it's real over

otherwise you think you're the way you are you think you're the fucking dude you think you're a certain way and you're the way you are? You think you're the fucking... Dude, you think you're a certain way and you're the other way? Okay? Imagine being a fucking fat guy and thinking you're pumping iron

and you walk in a room and everyone's like, oh, there's a fat guy. That's what you're doing, dude. Come on, man. Just relax. Don't get offended at something that never happened anyway yeah that's it I'm sweating but I sweat for you motherfuckers do you's it. I'm sweating. But I sweat for you motherfuckers.

Do you understand? Look what I'm wearing. My Jordan 11s. Because they match with the baby's top. I forgot I have a fan. Why don't I hit it? Bam. It feels good.

Immediately. Oh. If you're with somebody, a good joke you could do, is when you open up the window, um, in a car, or if a fan,

you turn on a fan, you can just go, oh, anyway, just trying to help your fucking, oh boy, oh boy, it feels fucking good under there, boy.

It feels fucking real good. If you're having sex with a girl... Girls, I have a question for you. If you're having sex with a guy, and when he's about to climax, and he said, uh-oh, I'm about to crust a nut, what would you do? Think about it. Pause the podcast now and what would you do? Uh-oh, about to crust a nut. Would you ever see that

guy again? Man, uh-oh, I'm about to crust a nut. Oh, shit, dude. that's so gangster oh man remember the oh i'm diane i'm so cool episode that was maybe my favorite part of the whole podcast damn i remember i was recording that uh in uh new york in a hotel i was in my fucking uh uh hotel um on my bed on my couch just like hunched over recording talking, talking. What a mad... Dude, if you have a podcast, you're a madman, basically. Especially if it's just you. If you have a guest, fine. What's up with fucking dude?

We talk shit, all these comedians like Nick Swords and Theo, me, Brian Callen, Shaub, you know, whatever. We'll fucking talk shit on Twitter to each other. And people just don't understand that we're fucking with each other. People will just be like, whoa, is this real? Especially with Theo. Theo talks a lot of shit on his podcast. And they'll just be like, uh, and then people will be like, dude, is this beef real? Like, what are you talking?

What are you? Yeah, it's real, dude. Yeah, just whatever you want, man. You know, people fucking are so dumb, dude. People are so dumb. I did the fucking DirecTV freestyle, by the way. Let me just play a little bit of it. But so you guys know. what the fuck is up.

Am I signed in, by the way? Probably not. Nope, I'm not. Pissed. Here. This is my freestyle. Look at how bad this, just listen to how bad this freestyle is.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm mad. One thing's for sure, I'm mad. One thing's for sure, I'm mad. One thing's for sure, I am mad. I'm mad because I called DirecTV the other day and they said they would come on Thursday and they also told me that they would give me a confirmation text within an hour, telling me that they was all booked from 12 to 4, but the next

hour, I didn't get a confirmation text, and then right after that, I called them up, you know it, because I'm a man of my word, and I want to make sure they are also, and if they weren't, then I would be extra mad, but also, I couldn't secretly wait to be so fucking mad at them, but even more so, I wanted the appointment to happen. So, after that, I rang up. I said I didn't get a text. And then the new lady said I would get one within 24 hours. So, I said, why'd the first guy say I would get it in an hour?

She said she didn't know because she was a different person now. She would definitely be better if it was the same person. But it wasn't. So, I couldn't be mad at her. Even though I wanted to get mad at her, it wasn't her fault. It still should technically be her fault. Yeah. All right, dude. That's enough of that. Look. Okay.

These are people who subscribe to my YouTube that are my fans, quote unquote. Okay? Let me find these of course they were i don't want somebody that puts the dislike it hits dislike and then it's always seven dislikes are from direct tv employees yeah okay man that joke's good keep doing that um somebody writes somebody writes,

of course I saw it last night, these idiots, took me until the end to realize he wasn't the driver, I'm driving asshole, come on, where is this, so I can't now, of course I can't find him at all,

but here's one. Somebody wrote the other night. What was it? Dude, he didn't rhyme once. This is horrible. What? Hey, what? Didn't even rhyme, but still was pretty funny.

Yeah. Really, dude? Really? Tiger dragon? Unbelievable, dude. Oh, this guy. Sounds like old school beastie boys hey man no it doesn't

this is the shit that kills me this right here there's not much rhyming but good rhythm on the beat like what dude what are you talking about it's horrible and it's i'm a comedian what how do i'm a comedian i am not a rapper and I'm making fun and I'm doing this. How on earth does somebody have a brain that first of all thinks, well, he's not really rhyming,

but it's good rhythm. And then that, then that makes it and then types it. I bet I have real beef though with these shits here's how I know by the way dude rhyming sucks I would never rhyme

I would never ever rhyme if I rhyme it's by mistake that's my shit dude if I'm a rapper that's it I'm not rhyming I want to be a real rapper dude I should fucking really really try to be a real rapper and no I don't rhyme, dude. Because that's, dude, you're a 30-year-old rapper and you're hardcore but you're just rhyming? No, we've talked about this before.

But no. Dude, by the way, nobody likes DirecTV. Still, it should technically be her fault. It's pretty good, though. Anyway, I'm... Do you guys, are you guys ready for the saga, the DirecTV saga? Are you guys ready to hear next week to see it? This is a two-parter, pretty much, DirecTV two-parter.

I had a two-parter, dude. I had a two-parter, dude. I don't know what to fucking... I had to go on the road. And I got to fucking... By the way, I rescheduled my fucking... Yeah, why are people saying I canceled my St. Louis show? I didn't cancel it. I rescheduled it so more people could come.

Wow, dude. I fucking went on... I fired on all cylinders on that direct tv story and i'm so chilling right now i'm so chilling man basically me doing that direct tv story was like me eating a fucking cupcake and now i'm just crashing baby dude i love you i love you guys listening man i love you guys listening to my fucking to my my bullshit, man. I'm just, this podcast, we stay winning for 28 minutes and then the rest we just do talk about shit on Craigslist and we talk about shit on Twitter and we're fucking. Did you see the guy who fucking had a road rage and jumped on the guy's car and then the guy and then drove on the freeway and went up to 70 miles an hour and the guy was on the guy's car and then the guy and then and then drove on the freeway and went up to 70 miles an hour and the guy was on the guy's hood like he was a fucking vin diesel character and

he was like 70 dude and then they pulled over and the guy wouldn't get off the guy's hood and the cops were like drawing their guns and shit dude it was unbelievable imagine being that mad imagine being that mad see that's so funny too because you get that mad and then you jump on a guy's hood. And then in how many seconds do you think, okay, wait, I'm not mad anymore. I'm scared for my life. In how many seconds? Six at the most. And then you're not even mad.

You're just thinking, okay, you know what? I have to stay pretending this mad because I don't want to look like a fucking idiot. stay pretending this mad because i don't want to look like a fucking idiot because if i if i if i now act like i'm not mad and i just made a mistake then i'm a chump right the guy's got a he's he's only holding on now because of ego that how weird is the fucking human brain like that? What'd you Google? Road rage. Let's just look at the fucking. Right here. Oh,

so it says, he's got these stupid fucking things. I mean, he's on the thing. After getting into a 65 year old man clung to the hood of a car as it sped down a Massachusetts highway for three miles. Oh, too long. Unbelievable. Look at this.

He's yelling, dude, you stop the car. You stop the car. Another man confronted the driver with a gun after seeing the man. Hey, man, making it worse. Imagine seeing a guy on a hood of a car going 70 miles an hour and thinking, oh, got to get my gun. You know? Dude, I know what will make this better. My gun.

That's so, that's like thinking, I know what will make this better. My pet bear. It's just a bad idea, dude. Get off this fucking thing, man. Dude, you stopped the car. Look, they bleeped it out. Another man confronted the driver with a gun after seeing the man cleaning through the hood for dear life. Dear life. It's always dear life.

This guy's life isn't that deer. He's on the fucking hood of a car. Here we go. So he gets out. He's got a gun. The man on top of the car, Richard Kamrowski, says he got on the hood after

a minor accident with the driver. Yeah, man. Why? The driver of the car, 37-year-old Mark Fitzgerald, tried to leave the scene after the accident, and Kamrowski ended up on the hood. Ended up, you know? Kamrowski said he is thankful for the good Samaritans who helped stop Fitzgerald.

Oh, fuck off, dude. Fuck off. This is a busy road. You bumped into me. What, so you're going to try to kill him? You're going to try to kill him for bumping into you? Yeah, right. Unbelievable. The man with the gun and another witness kept Fitzgerald until the troops arrived. Other troopers arrived.

Dude. Why did any of this happen why did any of this happen this looks so fucking stupid if you go on youtube these grown men look so fucking stupid imagine jumping on someone's car because you're mad at them and not getting off. And then imagine the guy you're in the car. Imagine the other guy you're in the car and you drive off. Imagine being that fucking pea brained. Dude, you got families and shit, right? The guy's dressed up in a fucking sweater.

These fucking idiots. Motherfuckers got to learn lessons, dude. People have to learn lessons. I sound like fucking Travis Bickle. We got to wash away the scum. The rats. The cunts. Remember when he was just like, theunts and you're like whoa does he even

or am i just fucking sexist i don't know who cares um anyway uh yeah let's do uh twitter questions or some shit are we gonna do uh the the um misconnections The what? We got both, huh? We could look at Oh, God Do you guys I gotta do Twitch I can make millions

All you need are Fucking big titties And if you do Twitch You're a millionaire You just unzip your top A little bit And play video games I mean, you know

Fucking Ivan Getridov Is going like fucking ivan gets rid of his going like yeah but dude the fact that he's going like and not no that's not true is a fucking travesty so it's all good kind of proves that i'm a little bit right the fact that you could be like well it already is like get the fuck out of here how does every girl on instagram not have at least 50,000 followers is what I want to know. Thought it out, my babies. Dude, these fucking Instagrams, man, they get worse and worse. I saw a girl that was showing how to work out and I swear to God she was wearing tight pants and she kept bending over and doing deadlifts. I swear to God she was wearing tight pants and she kept bending over and doing deadlifts. And the camera was of her back and you could see her fried butterfly.

Her pussy was basically out. Hey, call your parents. Dude, you could see the different lips. You know what I mean? Like the different fucking, the fucking stacks of lips through her pants hey stop filming immediately call your parents how about parents call your daughter hey what is she doing hey dude god hopefully they won't i love when they're like hopefully instagram won't delete this hopefully haters won't fucking report this hey man huh you're

showing your pussy yeah i get it look i think anyone should be able to show their pussy whenever but that's not the world we live in so don't show your pussy on inst you showing your puss on inst you need to call your parents you got millions and millions of followers because you're showing everything but your areola but for real you know it just shows how dumb guys are oh what a sexy

BB they'll be like oh I you know it's unbelievable to do these comments, man. It's weird how many guys from the fucking Middle East will just go nuts. They go fucking ham on Instagram. Like I would like a fucking suck you. like I would like a fucking suck you. One time I was at the Coffee Bean years ago,

the block I used to run, just fucking killing it. I used to eat a salad, then go to Coffee Bean, chill out, there was a gas station there, hang out, just fucking killing it. I was about 26, I would kill it on that fucking Coffee Bean block. That block was hot. And this security guard came up to me security guard like i i don't know how legit he was but he had a security uniform on and like a at least a taser i don't know if it was he had a gun but and he walked up to me and my friends

and he was like hey man look at this and i said yeah he showed me a dvd this was back when dvds were still a thing of fucking like backyard sluts so already i'm like okay and uh he's like look at these girls on this cover and i said yeah he said guy just gave me this i'm gonna go home and watch this and fucking jerk off I will fuck these girls so good and I was like okay hey man can you surveil the area please hey man do me a favor put that in your car and just kind of look for ne'er-do-wellers. Look for ne'er-do-wellers, please.

Can you just do me a favor and just kind of walk around that gas station for a little bit and put that DVD of Backyard Sluts in your trunk? You know? And I was just like yeah yeah yeah i would fuck them i would fuck them so good i make them come so much he said that's what he said yeah oh really why don't you do me a favor and pop on over to your car there and just throw that in the back seat and then walk around coffee bean and use looking. You know?

Last thing you want is a security guard coming up to you. Ever. Ever. Ever. No matter what the circumstance. Hey, guess what? You never want a security guard walking up to you. Do you know why?

That means there either was, is, or will be a problem. I never want security guards coming up to me. Okay? Amplify that how much I don't want a security guard coming up to me. With a fucking DVD of backyard sluts telling me how much he's going to make the girls on the DVD come. Hey, man, you have mental problems. All good.

Go get checked out. First of all, put the DVD either in the trash or in your back seat. Finish your shift. Don't touch your gun or taser. And then at the end, go to a doctor. What's that guy doing now? You ever think about that? What's that guy doing now?

Like the guys that you had in your past, like what are they doing now? Like one time a guy came up up i was at the same coffee bean and he was like i don't remember what he was saying were you with us when he was like doing the thing was like it's the women what was he saying he was just talking about how oh he's talking about how women fuck up lives or something like that like he was so distraught and obviously going through a divorce or something like that and he knelt down and he was so distraught and obviously going through a divorce or something like that. And he knelt down and he was saying, you wonder why we're all fucked up? It's the women. And we were all just like, okay.

But man, what's that guy doing now? Is he with the security guard? Are they all fucking crusting nuts over and watching the fucking backyard sluts DVD? Maybe. security guard are they all fucking crust and nuts over and watching the fucking backyard sluts DVD maybe I was list I was listening to this fucking thing but John Ronson dude his audible shit is good I was listening to it on about the but it's called

the butterfly effect John Ronson you ever like read a book by a guy that's a real guy and then you look him up and you realize that he doesn't sound anything like what the fuck you thought maybe he'd sound like i thought john ronson sounded like me kinda just and i could maybe that's my fault like i'm just me being egotistical but i was like this guy's a cool guy probably sounds like me and then i listened to his audible book and he's fascinated with the porn industry and sex and everything so i love him uh by the way he's great but i listened to the butterfly effect and um it was about the inner

the uh the boom of the free porn on the internet and how porn hub kind of took over and how this guy named fabian made like a billion billion dollars off this fucking free porn and the butterfly effect of it you know and how it affected everybody in porn. And everybody outside of porn. And all the shit. But it's pretty wild. But the way John Ronson talks. It makes me.

It's like it's very hypnotic. And he's very. He's British. And he's very. The way he talks about the butterfly effect. A butterfly flaps his wings. And in the third chapter, we will find by the end of it, a man has to move to the outskirts of Oklahoma because he is not wanted in his community. This is what he says in the beginning.

There will be a man who hires a bunch of porn actors to set fire to his very expansive stamp collection. But so he starts talking about all the fucking porn butterfly effect. And it's crazy that erectile dysfunction has been gone, has rocketed up 1,000%. And if I told you the ages were 18 to 25, how would that make you feel?

Yeah, dude, because of porn. If I told you that porn actors to get aroused right before they have sex with a live woman, are sitting looking at porn on their phone. Apparently guys now, porn guys, instead of like getting aroused by the woman they're about to have sex with, they're watching porn on their phone. They're like, that's the new fluffer. Boners are going fucking down, bro.

Boners are going down. Boners are like a fighter jet in World War II, dude. They're going down. That's what's up, man. The butterfly effect. What's the butterfly effect of this podcast is what I want to know. More log cabins.

People using catch for annoying catchphrases. People wearing fucking shirts that say wouldn't make a dent. People definitely broke up because of this podcast. Would you believe that listening to the congratulations podcast has convinced

couples of breaking up? Would you be convinced that people are annoying their families by telling them it wouldn't make a dent? Would you understand how annoyed families are by other people calling themselves babies when they're well into their 30s or 40s and telling people that they need to keep Brinks trucks going in reverse. How annoyed would you be if you were a family member and your uncle, who considers himself a baby even though he's 52,

would tell you constantly that your nose was facing his nose when it should be facing the same way and you should be standing in front of him so he could be inside of you. Kekunk. What would you say to someone who told you? Kekunk. What would you say to someone who told you, K-Kunk? When they're standing too close to you,

and you need them to stand further away, because they need to hear the sound of the door close, and that sound sounds eerily similar to you saying, K-Kunk? But you're a baby. Um, yeah, man.

Anyway, John Ronson is the shit. Okay, so, uh, let's do, what do you call them? Yeah. Misconnections coming up my babies you love the ribbon misconnections you love the misconnections here we go well let's start off with a fire one here we go um

smell your socks females only okay uh Smell your socks. Females only. Wow. I want your sweaty drip down socks. Hey, what? Drip down socks? I want your sweaty drip down socks from after work, then gym, or just have them on for days who the fuck wears their socks for days de laundry baldwin park if you're in for a fucking if you want some creep to smell your socks but that's all that you gotta want because you can't contact this guy with unsolicited services or offers. So, okay. Interesting. Oh, my God. This title right here, At Beef. Oh, my.

The body of this one. I have Googled beef countless times and never found anything as magnificent as you. Dude, imagine, first of all, ever Googling beef and then doing it twice, but then doing it so many times you can't count. Sounds like you got props. Sounds like you got to stop Googling. Sounds like you got to stop Googling things you know what they are.

Wow. Imagine seeing someone you think is so fucking fly and then being like, hold on, dude. I got to Google beef to see if I can find something better than that. Ah. This is because of the butterfly effect on free porn. I swear to God. Imagine seeing someone out at a market or a square, thinking that they look so fantastic and ravishing

that you immediately pull up your iPhone and Google beef. Then imagine Googling it again. And then imagine Googling it so many times that you cannot count it then imagine posting on an ad on craigslist and writing in the subject at beef and then in the body i have googled beef countless times and never found anything as magnificent as you and then imagine hoping that the person you originally saw that was better than this so-called beef you were googling countless times stumbled upon this ad on Craigslist

and knew exactly what you were talking about. And then imagine them getting in contact with you. Or what? with you. What? Oh, wow. I love this title. Simply unload. Well, you know, he's talking about fucking krustin. Male for male. 27. Downey. A lot of these guys are in downy what's going on in downy 27 good looks drug and disease free i travel or host down to swap oral or just give or receive maybe more let me know what you have in mind do not contact me with he's open though what do you mean do not contact i travel or host down to swap oral or just give or receive maybe more what do you mean do not contact me on solicited offers

dude that's my favorite swap oral like they're baseball cards like you're fucking trying to trade a fucking daryl strawberry for for a ken griffey jr hey dude you down to swap oral here's my fucking kevin moss rookie card can i trade it for all of your hensley mule ins you know another another one, sewing circle, oh, wow, see, you got to be in the, you got to be kind of in already, you got to be well into this Craigslist shit to already know what this is, because I don't even know what I mean, sewing circle, that's the body, then just, no, that's the the fucking title and then in the body it just simply says unzipping comparing releasing okay i guess this guy wants to just unzip and

be like this is my cock what yours look like oh cool all right cool let's fucking let's crust let's crust let's see what's up. Here we go. Uh-oh, about to crust a nut. All right, cool. All right, man. Hey, well, we'll catch you later. I'll see you on Craigslist. Hey, man, how's it going?

We're going to start this off cool. All right, here we go. Oh, God. Oh, God. All right. Well, cool. I'll catch you later, man. I got a nice one.

Whose is bigger? I think yours is bigger here we go all right well i'll catch you later man okay yep yep catch you later thanks for the crustin oh wow the the the titles of these just get better and better i swear to god this one is titled FaceTime Come. Ah. Looking for another guy packing big that wants to come together on FaceTime.

DL one-time thing send pic. I like how this guy's already like, I'm not starting a relationship with you, dude. This is for fucking FaceTime coming and that's it. I'm a gangster, dude. Dude, I would do's it i'm a gangster dude dude i would do that but if i was gay i would do that but fucking straight up i would have like i i the only way i would be able to fucking get it going would be if like how dope would you know what i'm not gay but i'm tempted to fucking do it just to have this shit going on in the background while the guy's going If like, how dope would it, you know what? I'm not gay, but I'm tempted to fucking do it. Just to have this shit going on in the background while the guy's going.

While you're doing it. Hey, how's it going? You ready? All right, here we go. And then this is in the background. Dude, I have fucking read. YouTube read. Why is this not signed in, dude?

We got to sign it in. I mean, this ad, dude. Fuck these ads. YouTube read. Why is this not signed in, dude? We got to sign it in. I mean, this ad, dude. Fuck these ads. Skip out. To have this going on in the background. For some reason, this is what I thought of. People are just like, hey, man, what's up? You know this is a one-time thing, right?

All right, cool. Oh, my God. I wonder if you would mention it. If this was just blaring in the background And you just And then you go Okay cool thanks man One time thing Yum

Hey dude what's up, man? Hey, bro. Take it out. And you'd be doing like this. God, the guy would think it was so weird, but I would crust. Thanks, man. Let's get these other guys going. Let's see what's up. Oh, we got another customer.

Hey, guy, what up? How's it going, dude? Hey, whoa, you're big like me. Wow. You know this has to be on the DL, right? Okay, cool. Very cool. It's a one-time thing. You know that, right? Okay, cool. So, anyway, take it out. Here we go. Ah, man. You're big like me, huh? Uh-oh. Thanks, man. Did the group FaceTime? What's up, guys?

How's it going? Oh, man. We got a bunch. Did the group FaceTime? What's up, guys? How's it going? Oh, man, we got a bunch. Oh, we got group FaceTime, although I'll have the updated fucking software. Hey, guys, how's it going, dude? Pull it out. You know there's a one-time thing, right? Oh, shit.

Here we go. And, whoop, there's so many of you. Thanks, guys. I want to do it just for that. Fine Young Cannibals playing in the background. Dude, Fine Young Cannibals, you know? Fine Young Cannibals. Killer, dude.

That's amazing. Oh, wait. I have a better song, dude. I have a way better song to do it to. Wow, dude. Wow. The best suggest... I never look at suggested videos after this. Thank you, YouTube.

Hey, what's up? I got it right here. Oh, I got another customer. Hey, what's up? You ready? Take it out. Take it out. Oh, it's because it has an intro, so it fucks up the funny part, the joke a bit. All right, there we go. Take it out.

Oh, you're big like me, man. All right, catch you later. Boom. This song is one of the greatest songs of all time, for real. I used to listen to this in my car with my dad. Oh, man. And my dad and I would play it. And my dad would play it, and we would be dancing and shit in the car. Dude, and my dad would...

And my dad looked a little bit like fucking George Harrison. And he would wear a fucking chunky blazer. My dad would wear this chunky blazer that was like fucking white and gray. That's actually pretty dope. And he had long hair. Damn, I remember this, dude. My dad would just fucking... It's really cool that this podcast can go from

guys group fucking FaceTiming and busting a nut to me reminiscing about my dad in a lovely way. From Berber to awe. Damn, dude, I remember this shit. Wow, this makes me love my dad hard. Yeah, dude. Wow. This was in 1941 this came out.

No, in 1980-something. And, dude, my dad would have his Mercedes, and I would be in the passenger seat. And it was the first time he got his fucking dopest-ass car. And I was like, whoa, you're going to get that car? And he got it. And then we were playing with this song. And then he was playing with this song. And then he'd have his hand on the shifter, on the shifter gear.

And he'd be having his other hand on the steering wheel. And I would look, and his veins were always, like he'd be having his other hand on the steering wheel, and I would look, and his veins were always, like, so big on his fucking hand. And I would always be like, whoa, your veins are so big. And he'd be like, that'll be what happens to you when you get older. And I'd say, I'm going to have big veins like you. And he'd be like, yeah. And then I would poke his veins as he was driving.

He'd be like, stop doing that. It's annoying. And I would be so mad that he wouldn't fucking let me poke his veins, man, because I didn't have the veins yet. And I would say, Dad, when I get older, I remember saying, when I get older, I can't wait to fucking poke my own veins, dude. Because you, it sucks that you don't let me fucking poke your veins.

I remember that shit. Oh, we got another customer. Hey, guys, what's up? Thanks. All right. Well, St. Louis, Missouri is coming up. St. Louis, Missouri is coming up. Chicago.

We have so many Chicago shows. And go get the links there. There's still tickets left on the third show in Chicago, but that will sell out. So go if you're in Chicago. Go now. Cleveland, Ohio. Columbus coming up. Cincinnati.

Lexington. Kentucky. Albuquerque. Santa Fe. Phoenix. Phoenix will be like 4,000, 5,000 people or something. That's a big one. And that's it.

Hanover, Huntington, New York. I think I just added one. Which one did I just add? I just added a... Let me look right now and I can tell you guys so you get a first dibs here if you're listening to the... Somewhere in New York.

Huntington, New York. I just added a third somewhere in New York. Huntington, New York. I just added another, a third show in Huntington. We selling out my babies. You know how it goes. That's how it goes, dude.

But thanks for listening. Subscribe to the YouTube channel, please. And also please, subscribe to the, what do you call it? Thing, thing on iTunes and fucking rate and review it. It really helps us.

But YouTube, subscribe it to YouTube. I mean, how many times does this go, dude? It's not on kill, is it? Well, we're pissed. All right, guys. Remember, keep crusting. Congratulations. I'm a fucking fuck you.