Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 106. The Lawnmower Sittin' Right Next To The Tree

Episode Date: February 4, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about DMX and Scatman John. Also discussed: a followup on DirecTV, the Super Bowl, wardrobe, and Zack and Mike stories. Plus, we do Missed Connections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. There you go. Those were all the fucking... Those ka-chings are for all the fucking road dates I just did. I was in... Where was I?

Well, first of all, welcome to episode 106 of Congratulations. Thought was going to do three episodes and then quit. And here I am 103 episodes later. So it's 106. You guys are a great audience, and thanks for listening. I just got back from the Midwest and had a good time. It was way too cold.

Well, was it too cold? Yeah. Was it less than zero degrees? Yes. Now, should all those people relocate? Yes. Are they going to? No.

Do they say they're going to? Yes. Are they going to no do they say they're going to yes are they going to no they're not going to but they should it's way too cold i was in milwaukee uh madison and chicago and when i was in madison it was negative six when i was in milwaukee it was um 10 10 degrees and then when i was in chicago it was like 42 uh look uh you know what's the most annoying thing is the guy who goes who goes like this who after they fucking after it's real cold like negative six and the 10 degree weather everyone's going like this oh it's a fucking bomb it's oh what is it practically summer that's amazing hey guy you're boring get a personality uh don't just say stuff you hear you know i'm talking about don't just say stuff you hear that's that's as funny as saying uh see you next year on december 30th but anyway

um that's what he did alas that's what he did and i heard people saying that and uh but it was all good man we had a good time uh it was it was fucking freezing. I don't get how people can do that. And also, cold is cold. Some people will be like, hey, I don't even feel it anymore. Like, yeah, I don't believe that. Cold is cold. I don't care if you're from there. It sucks how cold it is.

It's a great place. Madison's an awesome place. Milwaukee was great. The theater in Milwaukee was awesome. What do you call it? What did I do? Riverside Theater.

Really great theater. And then I did Chicago Theater, which was the biggest show that I've done so far, solo, really. Until my Phoenix one, which will be even bigger and then my other Chicago ones also so if you I have two more Chicago's coming up because popular demand uh I sold out the first two in a day and each and then the third one is up for

sale now and there's still some tickets left so if you want to get them get them now because it will sell out but um yeah and uh the fucking by the way the funniest thing happened in chicago that ever was on the road with me and my opener so my opener is my opener is is this my my hedge one's not working what is this dude why does this keep happening can you hear me you can hear me okay my opener is good yeah i mean i hear me now my opener is um he like a lot of people are starting to know who he is at my shows because i post about him on instagram i talk about him on podcasts regret it yes but um he's basically a dog in human form like they don't have to cast fucking uh you know in the movies where dogs talk and stuff they don't have to they should literally just put him in it and not do any cgi and just have him talking that's how

he is and he would be with other dogs and you'd be like something's weird about that other dog and be like oh it's actually a human you'd be like, something's weird about that other dog. And he'd be like, oh, it's actually a human. He'd be like, oh, yeah, I see it actually. So he – since people are starting to get to know who he is at my show specifically and strictly and not anywhere else, just so he knows, just so he doesn't get a fucking big ego. He also does these stupid videos where he'll like put a movie together for the weekend and it's all – it it's like uh he'll he'll overlap some like stupid music that's like the boys are back in town or like or like the iphone song that everyone has whatever sounds some shit like that anyway he'll lay it he'll lay it over, and he'll do like a horribly cut together fucking thing that only like a girl he was dating would like. And so he was shooting one, getting footage, quote unquote, as he calls it, for the Chicago show because it was a big show. And he put his hood up so people wouldn't recognize him in the audience. And then he would go.

People wouldn't recognize him in the audience. And then he would go. So what he did, we went out in the audience, went to the back of the room, and he wanted to get like this tracking shot where he's walking all the way up to the stage. And he had his hood up. And when he did it, he got all the way up to the stage. And he thought in his dumb fucking brain, instead of going around to the side and going back outside and then downstairs and back upstairs to the back of the state to the back green room he was like i'm just gonna hop the stage so we went to hop the stage and fucking six security guys tackled him doing their job and he was they were like what the fuck are you doing you can't do that and he was like no i'm the opener i'm the opener screaming out on the opener. In front of everybody, the show was going to start in 10 minutes.

How can you be that fucking stupid? Said with love. I mean, it's my show. I wouldn't expect security to know who I was i would walk up to security be like just so you know i'm doing this you guys i was i was like dude that's the dumb you're i was like of all the things you've ever done on the road that's the dumbest thing you've ever done he was even he Yeah, I know. It was really stupid. He got beat up practically. Wow. I should have walked out right there and just been like, you're fired.

And everyone's like, oh, no. And it's weird. And then I did the show solo. Oh. I just like. he's a dog he's a dog in human form and that's it and that's final

and that's final as a kid we would say that me and my brother I'm not doing it and that's final and then the other person was like oh fuck I can't convince him now

that's final nah fuck as if any of the other times we didn't say it's final it wasn't final you could change our mind but if we said it's final can't change our mind um anyway i uh so chicago was awesome they were all awesome they're not really not awesome anymore you know you go out there you do the shows. The fans are ready. They're psyched to see you. It had been two years to the day that I had been to Chicago doing a show. So that's pretty cool.

I always like cool kind of like serendipitous or whatever. Not serendipitous, but like facts like that, where it's like, hey, it was two years ago to today. And then I signed the wall next to fucking Lauryn Hill. David Copperfield signed the wall on Chicago Theater. The magic of David Copperfield. And I thought about it for a little bit. I was like, that's fucking hilarious because he also drew a huge picture

taking up real estate. Big ego. And Lauryn Hill had a huge thing too. I don't know if these artists come with big ass stamps or some shit. They're fucking huge. Katie Lang had like a fucking... It's like Frank Sinatra just went,

Frank Sinatra, thanks thanks guys and then probably fucking fucked a hooker you know um i just wrote uh chris delia then the date and then i write my name always afterwards in not cursive so people know it's me. Because people just go like, and you're like, who's that? And someone's like, it's Bruce Willis. And you're like, why the fuck was Bruce Willis here? What was he doing? A fucking live, a live version of Die Hard crawling over the glass?

Chicago Theater is like, hey. All these fucking guys got bands, though. Bruce Willis has a band, you know? Bruce Willis has a band you know bruce willis has a band i'll that's one thing i'll never have is a serious band mark my fucking words if i ever have a serious band shoot me with a bow and arrow um serious bands uh wait but what was i saying uh so i signed it and oh and then the magic of david copperfield and i thought about it for a little bit and i was like damn dude like we all know magic isn't real you know like everybody straight up knows that just straight up everybody knows

that everybody knows that more than everyone who knows that wrestling is fake and a lot of people know wrestling is fake okay so the fact that like a 50 year old man would would would sign a wall the magic of me like can you wrap your head around what it might be like to be that person? Like, to be 50 and be like, like, because either he thinks it's magic, which he doesn't, or he thinks, I'm just going to do this because people know magic isn't real, but they like the idea of magic, or what is it, dude? no magic isn't real but they like the idea of magic or what is it dude magicians have to have the biggest egos right

how about the fucking some of them are cool like the funny ones are cool like my buddy justin who has got that special on netflix he's dope but the funny ones are cool and then also the ones like david blaine are cool because like they're not really doing magic they're just like standing on a pole in a square for a day and a half and you're like how does he do that without eating doesn't he piss and you're like it's more of a fucking stunt you know but um anyway the magic of David Copperfield. Um, yeah. So I signed up with somebody, but they have,

they had a, um, uh, a plexiglass thing over Frank Sinatra's, uh, signature, which was pretty cool. That's crazy.

That Sinatra would just fucking, wow. Imagine getting to see for, if you, if you could go back in time, what time would you go back? I want to say like, I would go way back back i would want to see like dinosaurs or some shit but like i think i might go back to just for me i might just go back to like the 80s or to see to be my age now and to go to

the comedy store and like see those guys are like prior and Eddie Murphy. And to see those guys, I might do that or go see dinosaurs or go to like, see what Napoleon's really like, you know what I mean? Just to see how bitch they were like Kings and Queens. I might go back in time to see how bitch they were. Like kings and queens.

I might go back in time to see how bitch kings were. I mean, kings were the biggest bitches. They fucking still are. You know what I mean? Or like anybody who wore a fucking fancy wig or powdered their face. Or put on those fake beakers. I call them beakers, but they're fucking beauty marks. What the fuck? I'm sure those people smelled like shit, dude.

Imagine how bad a fucking king smelled. For real. For real. Imagine how bad a fucking king smelled just with gout, just like fucking farting and shitting. I bet kings shit in their fucking royal garb all the time. And they would be like, clean it up, servant. Get my bath ready next week. observant get my bath ready next week fat fucking kings was there like you're either a fat bitch king or a fucking skinny ass bitch king

nobody would listen to a skinny king you gotta be a fat king. Otherwise, nobody's like, if you're a skinny king in like the fucking 1400s, be like, well, why is he not eating? Why does he look like that? Why is he as skinny as fucking Rami Malek? I want my king fat as fuck. Shirt? Why are they just, this king right here, who is that? Just some random king that we found artwork of?

Why is he dressed like fucking jared leto going to dinner jared leto what are you dressing like bro i i want to think jared leto is cool but he's just like i don't know that's not cool to me it's like his outfits would be cool. Like, here's the thing, man. If Liam Neeson dressed like Jared Leto, I would think it was fucking bonkers cool. Or Bruce Willis. If he dressed like Jared Leto, bonkers cool. Or who else? I don't know. like, skinny-ass

motherfuckers, it's tough for me to think they're cool. Is that fucking prejudice? Yeah, it is. It's like, you could put some weight on, I guess is what I'm saying, before you're fucking cool. If I could, like like break you in half, just be fit, some sort of fit.

And he probably is fit, but like, what are you doing wearing? Maybe I'm just jealous. I got to wear shit like that. Fuck, I got to wear shit like that. I really do. I'm not famous enough though that's the thing i need to get super duper famous to where i can wear like a fucking dodge neon like literally wear

like parts of a dodge neon and it's just all heavy and shit just clunking it all around at like some terrible fucking hulu premiere that i'm not even in and he's just like oh here comes chris delia he's wearing a dodge parts of a dodge neon wow and his midsection and cock is exposed very interesting okay very cool what are you here for i don't know i just figured i wanted to just wanted to see it just wanted to see it even though netflix already made a movie about this and hulu is making it a week later i'm still i'm at the premiere dress like a dodge neon and my cock's out but that but see if i did that now people will be like fuck this guy who's he think he is i need to the number one comedian or the number five actor you know and just get parts of a dodge neon and

just start wearing it and so where nobody would say shit and girls would just be like wait a minute that's fucking he pulls it off he actually pulls it it off. And then their hater fucking boyfriend would be like, but he's got a fucking muffler coming out of the side of his ass. And they'd be like, yeah, but he pulls it off. It's going to burn his ass if he turns it on, right? Whatever, you're just jealous you can't wear a Dodge Neon, parts of a Dodge Neon at a Hulu premiere. That's, you know, I just, he looks like a fucking transformer though, right?

People from Boston with their accent. Chicks from Boston with that accent, you know? Hey, not for nothing. Let me suck your dick though? Hey, not for nothing, let me suck your dick, though. Hey, not for nothing, you guys want to go see what's up with those fucking bridesmaid dresses? See if they're ready or whatever. Hey, where the fuck we gonna park over here? We gotta get the fucking pizza.

Hey, hey, bitch, come here. We're going to get some fucking pizza. Hey, nice ring. When you get married, huh? You got a date yet, bitch, come here. We're going to get some fucking pizza. Hey, nice ring. When are you getting married, huh? You got a date yet, bitch? Hey, did you suck his fucking cock last night? You got to get a fucking guy, right? Look at your fucking tits and that dress all falling out.

What are you doing? What are you trying to get a fucking guy? You're a thot. Hey, fucking get in the car. Come on, let's go. Let's go get let's go let's go get some fucking let's go get some quinoa we got to watch our figures right let's go get some fucking quinoa sweet greens hey you girls sucking cock last night we all went out where hey what happened to fucking rachel hey rachel yeah what's Hey, did you suck fucking cock

last night? Nah. Nah, I wasn't really feeling it, man. Yeah? Why not? Oh, you know, he made me scared for my safety. Yeah? Why? Ah, you know, when you get alone in a room with a man, they could fucking kill you. Yeah, that's true. Like, still fucking kind of feminine, but the way they sound isn't. Yeah, I couldn't wait to get my fucking heels off, you know? Couldn't wait to get in my fucking lounge outfit, right? Yeah? Yeah, that's right.

Fuck, these guys don't know what it's like to wear some fucking heels. Jesus Christ, I got fucking blisters the size of my fucking areolas. Jesus Christ I got fucking blisters the size of my fucking areolas really wanted to suck his cock just to figure out how to make him wait more I don't want him to think I'm a fucking thot

well I don't even know how I started talking about that but whatever but whatever. Oh, by the way, fucking... Direct TV showed up, dude. They fucking straight up showed up. Direct TV part two, they showed the fuck up with three guys that weren't dressed in uniforms. They were wearing sweaters. And I swear to God, they looked like they were in a J.Crew catalog.

Ugh. And they did everything and then left, which lets me know you can do it. They were straight up texting me, dude. I got to fucking like, I'm going to have lunch with them. I am, dude. I told them I would take out Hulu. If they didn't show up, I told them I would take out Hulu. Take out the dish employees and fucking take them to dinner and then make love to them.

I'm not going to do that anymore. They came and they set shit up, which means they can do it. They got scared, dude. They got scared because of the fucking cult. See, that's what we're doing here. We're bettering lives and not just mine. We're making DirecTV sit back and the cult made DirecTV sit back, reflect on how the fuck their customer service was running,

and it was running poorly, and I had to put out a fucking hot freestyle about it, and it was a wake-up call for them. And I don't just want it to work with me. I want it to work with everyone else. So we are bettering the world, babies. Babies, we are bettering customer service, and we are bettering the world.

Thank God I didn't have to suck their cock, huh? Take them out to dinner. How about how good fucking Christian Bale is in that movie The Fighter? At the end when they just do that one clip and he's just talking and he's just like, yeah, you know, and he just goes, ah, and he starts crying. What the fuck? Hey, are you really that guy? I would only like Christian Bale better if there was one other thing he did.

If he didn't fucking either lose weight or get fat or use prosthetics and was just like, this is how I'm doing it. I want, I need Christian Bale. I need you to play a fucking Indian woman with no makeup and just kill it and get nominated. I think that Rami Malek, it's Malek, right? I think he's that guy.

I saw a little bit on the plane. I saw a Bohemian Rhapsody. He's so good in that movie. That guy is so good. I saw him once at the coffee bean, and I was like, am I famous enough to where he's going to know who I am? And I went, hey, man, I'm a fan of your work.

And he said, oh, yeah, I know you, yeah. You're really great. I like your stuff. Yeah, you're really funny. I was like, oh, cool. Thanks, buddy. He was like, yeah, yeah. Anyway.

But he fucking killed that shit. He killed it. With his fucking buck-ass prosthetic teeth. Dude. I need to get some fucking buck-ass prosthetic teeth and just fucking do it roll. That shit made me want to get some buck-ass prosthetic teeth and just fucking do it roll. That shit made me want to get some buck-ass prosthetic teeth. I was crazy.

Bohemian Rhapsody. Dude, Freddie Mercury was the shit. But wasn't he tall? I feel like Rami is shorter. How tall is... What's his name? Five nine? Freddie Mercury?

Rami's five nine. How tall is Freddie Mercury? Five, five, nine, Freddie Mercury. Rami's five, nine. How tall is Freddie Mercury? Five, 10. Oh, okay. He looks big in the old fucking God.

That guy rocked it though. Damn. I want to, that's honestly, wow. That's, that's how I got a dress just in a fucking crown and a wife beater you know like such a mixed up fucking outfit

a crown and a wife beater yeah or a fucking red did you see um uh what was his name travis scott was that was at the super bowl he his belt oh my god it was a louis vuitton belt and it was just like you were just like relax bro it you literally it was a pillow it was a fucking pillow you could sleep on and have a great great nine hour sleep on like it was fucking felt and it was like something that some fucking asshole in the eighth grade would make an art class and everyone would be like well that's the best one. And you'd be like, no, it's not. Look at my fingerprint shit, you asshole. Yeah. Some guy hit me up in my DMs. I was making fun of this song, Sicko Mode. And somebody hit me up at the DM. He was like, dude, if you have to actually look at it on Rap Genius, the lyrics are really deep and i did and no they're not you know he says jamba juice any

song where the guy says jamba juice it's not deep that's like when dmx made that song where he's like the fucking and the lawnmower is next to the tree and you're like okay well you're done and the lawnmower is right next to the tree okay all right now you're just telling me where you put your fucking chore stuff paper clips are on the desk and if you need envelopes they're next to the paper clips remember when dmx would just do that fucking intros and outros? You know, like I know, the black albino's coming through like a rhino. Hey, man, not Robert Frost.

DMX, what is it the fucking X going to give it to you, you know? Dude, we're the hood at. Who we be. I mean, these fucking songs, dude. I think it's the Who We Be, the way he does the lawnmower right next to the tree. Let me just Google DMX lawnmower. I mean, it comes up, you know? Here we go. This is it.

Came. Down to earth. Listing things. A list. A list. A list. A list. A list. A list.

My keys. My hat. My... A brother. A mother. list my keys my hat a brother a mother a sister a brother, computer, a hat. Dr. Seuss. A brother, a sister, computer, a hat, coffee, a phone, a rug, a cat, a bat, a thing on the wall, a roof, a hole. The lawnmower sitting right next to the tree they don't know who we be uh what a case for your headphones tile a case for the headphones tile a plant and a plug an outlet you put it in the outlet a rug a plug outlet they don't know hair from a beard your eyes your face your nose your face your face

your nose what what favorite rap song of all time just clenched it just clenched it dude music is fucking hilarious dude unless you're singing like queen drop it for real when queen is just like fucking and we are the champions and they and't and they're just saying see if they were like the lawnmowers right next to the tree you No, no, no. Leaves are above the lawnmower. Grasses under the lawnmower. So awful. Dude, I would fucking, oh, yo, no bullshit.

If Queen had a song like that, I would fucking, yo and no bullshit if queen had a song like that i would fucking god damn it i just fucking paypal whoever has the estate to queen i just paypal them money every month um i mean dude that's so fucking unless you're doing it like that just i mean the two types of music to do are the killer shit like that where you got an amazing voice and you're doing it like that. I mean, the two types of music to do are the killer shit like that where you got an amazing voice and you're singing about how you're the champion. That's awesome. Or this kind of music. There is no more guy I'd rather be in a room with than this fucking song. This song.

Okay, there is a... Right here. Well, first of all, there's this song. Ah! Nothing. Ah! The fun uncle. The fun, annoying... The fun uncle that you like when you're six

and then when you turn 14 you're like he fucking uncle scatman isn't coming is he dude this guy what a cunt you know what i mean dude come on bro dude what a fucking cunt dude this guy let me tell you too also here we go scatman there's the there's the song i mean i would i would love to be in a room with this guy jesus christ dude uh what's the fucking there's one song that it did the guy is so fucking high what's it called it's on that uh track uh scatman man album i got i gotta find okay uh uh uh okay it's this one scatman's world I think

hey yeah this is it here we go dude you're so high I mean, don't need an intro for this. Come on.

Scatman's World. That's not a place. Oh my- Dude. Oh my god. Dude. Dude. I my God. Dude, I'm telling you right now. Scatman, fat man, black and white and brown man. Dude, people from fucking Eastern Europe, like literally, they love this music so much. It's unbelievable, I um damn dude that's so there's there's another one though what's the fucking one i used to have it

because it was so funny dude let me do the word the the ads here and then i'll fucking do it okay i gotta find this song, by the way, from Scatman. It was on the album Scatman's World. Scatman's World. Track listing.

Tracks. Here. Song of Scatland? Was that it? I mean, everything is Scatland with this guy. Yep, this is it. This is where he really fucking lost his mind. Imagine a land of love.

Okay. Where people have time to care. Where everybody is equal and we all tell the truth. The society of Scatland is composed of very loving, caring people who have never even heard of political corruption, class distinction, war, and all the other stuff that goes on in the world of Earth people. Oh! Everyone is equal in Scatland. Everyone is equal.

Everyone is equal. Okay, really driving that point home. Then there's a bunch of kids singing. Oh my God, dude. Imagine slitting your wrist to this song. Imagine just laying in a tub, just like, that's it, here we go. Song it, and then just being like this. Imagine that, and you don't die yet.

No. Imagine you don't die yet, and then all of a sudden you're on your Apple phone and then and then you die to this song I will be pissed I'll be like oh for fuck's sake no somebody change and then just and then someone finds you

somebody finds you and it goes to this this is not him but with this. Somebody finds you and it goes to this. This is not him, but... Dude, I... I mean, I can't do... When I was a kid, I loved that song so much. Don't worry. Be happy.

I don't know. I'm talking too much about music. We gotta fucking get the fuck off this music thing. Anyway, that guy is probably the best uncle until you're fucking 13 and then you hate him. Also, I mean, he has so many demons, you know? To fucking made up. That guy is kind of my hero to make up a fucking dream world and then just make seven albums about it. Scat world.

Okay? It's nothing. Also, doesn't that mean shitting on people? Cool. It's a German. Yeah, we listen to scat world, but it means something so different to us. We love listening to it and shitting all over our spouses. We love listening to scat men and shitting all over our spouses. We love listening to Scott Mann and shitting all over our spouses.

Hey, what's a fucking German lady name? German lady name. Names, here we go. Like, Emma, Amelia, Anna. These are not good ones. Wolfgang, you know? That's good for guys. Come on.

Adelheid. There's a good German name. Adelheid, come in here. What? What, Wolfgang? Adelheid, get in here! Come here bitch Come here bitch

You know, this shit Hey Adelheid Oh no No, no Wolfgang Come here Adelheid hate oh no no no work gang come here i don't hate let me see your chest i mean what am i talking about all right dude that's fucking gross you know uh my buddy got punched, dude. He got beat up. He was singing karaoke, and then he got fucking... He sang a song,

and then put the thing back in the microphone, and then some guy just fucking beat him up, and then ran into a car and left. And he has no idea why, and he has no idea who did it, and that's it. That's just his life now how fucking crazy is that doesn't know who he is and

damn god damn i was like did you do anything did you bump in anybody did you look at anybody weird and he was like nope it's just some guy just beat the shit out of him fuck crazy right you know what i do that's it for that you know what i do i get so much fucking sleep and i'll get the most sleep i ever want but by the way dude my fucking tour manager zach sleeps so fucking much it's unreal it's unreal dude he'll be sleeping at night wake up we'll drive to the next city in the car he sleeps the whole way he'll get there he'll get to the hotel he'll sleep in the fucking hotel room then we'll go do our show and then he'll go back and we'll hang out for a little bit and then he'll be like hey one of the girls recognized me from your podcast. I got her a number.

And then he'll go to sleep. I was texting her, but then I fell asleep. And he was like, he likes to go introduce the show sometimes. Like he likes to go out on stage and be like, you guys ready? You might know me from Chris's podcast. I'm Zach. And then he'll do the laugh, but he'll make the laugh. It's like, just do your regular laugh.

But then he'll like try to do the laugh. And then people are like, okay, is that it? And then it'll be like, okay. And then he brings Mike on stage. But like people, like not everybody listens to the podcast on my show, so people are like, who's that fucking guy with the high ass? Dude, he's got the highest ass. His ass is in his shoulders.

He takes a shit like this. This is how he takes a shit like this. Hey, don't worry. Don't. Hey, don't worry about me. I'm just taking the shit out of my shoulder blades. Dang. Dude, his ass is so high.

Even black guys are like, damn, that's a high fucking ass. Dude, his ass is so high. This is how he wipes it. That's how he wipes his ass. This is how he farts. Look. This is how he does a silent one. If he's in public, and he's like this,

this is how he does a silent one. To let it out, you know, when you spread your cheeks. to let it out, you know, when you spread your cheeks. My ass is so, my ass is so high that my balls should be on my chest. My kneecaps are where my cock should be. And my face is all the way up there. Dude, his last name is Don Coveo, you know?

It's Italian. He's so Italian, he should be eating a pizza all the time, dude. Shitting out of his shoulder blades. Oh, bro. I fucking love life, man. How come everybody isn't laughing all the time? Some people don't laugh that much, dude. People that just always talk business and shit.

God, those people are boring and talk politics. Dude, in scat world, people don't even know about political corruption. I'll go to scat world. Is that where they shit? Let me unzip my shoulders. All he does is fucking eat candy, shit, and sleep. I swear. And shower, dude.

He takes nine showers a day. What the fuck, dude? Anyway. Hey, you're going to get me laid from your podcast. Dude, what's more depressing than getting laid from a fucking podcast episode? Oh, God. You didn't have an arc on Game of Thrones, you know? What are you, in fucking the E Street Band? Is that the name of it?

How about when the bands go like this, and they fucking sing, and they fucking share a microphone? Get your own fucking microphone. Dude, if I was a lead singer, and the fucking second guitarist, or the lead guitarist, tried to fucking dip over to my mic i would fucking take that mic away and go like this i'd say stop and you'd hear like don't i'd be like this is my microphone get

your own fucking microphone and take off that stupid fucking what are you wearing who's that guy who was in the sopranos that wears the long fucking thing on his head? Get out of here. What are you doing? Anyway. Yeah, dude. My fucking life, you know? Stephen Van Zandt. What the fuck are you wearing on your head? Watch, I'll probably say that. He's probably because he had cancer or some shit

and I'm a dickhead little Steven and the disciples of soul cock I need to have a band called no that's it we just wear regular ass shit and we fucking sing about

how we're the champions. Yeah. But I get a lot of sleep on the road, dude, because you need it. If you sleep, you won't get sick for real. And also, if you sleep, you won't get sick. And then also, though, besides that, don't – for some reason, it's a thing bragging about how little sleep you get that's so dumb dude got four hours of sleep in the last three days no first of all no you didn't remember when that guy tyler shields bragged about that's a photographer's name right

he's talking about how he didn't sleep for a month. Like, who the fuck believes that? You'd die. You'd just go to sleep, you know what I mean? Like, you'd just fall asleep. You can't do that. You just go like, for 40 days it said, 40 days, no sleep, one liar. Like, you'd just fall asleep. You did it. you just fall asleep

you did it you fall asleep you can't not sleep what two days at the most you fall asleep the second you get alone you just pass the fuck out standing up why is it about people they're just like oh man

I got no sleep and The Rock does it too by the way like oh man i got no sleep got no and the rock does it too by the way he'll be like got no sleep got no sleep got four hours of sleep but back to the gridiron paradise or the iron paradise i guess that'd be football the iron paradise and you'd be like dude get rest bro what are you doing it for right such a fucking clickbait everything's clickbait dude everything's clickbait into uh i mean oh speaking of clickbait i clicked on the fucking liam neeson article how the fuck how about that thing where he was like trying to get uh the fucking thing where he was like somebody he knew got raped by a black guy so he's looking

for him or some shit i don't know man whatever everything online is just so remember at the super bowl thing just right the other day there was an article adam levine's nipple stole the halftime show what huh what the fuck are you talking about what are you fucking four all he did was take off his shirt If anything his tattoos He just had regular nipples Nothing was wrong with his nipples And also How annoying was it When people were like

Everyone only likes to talk shit About the fucking halftime show Dude if it was Beyonce Everyone would talk about how great it was If it wasn't If it isn it was if it wasn't if it isn't Beyonce which it isn't no matter who it is everyone's going to talk about how bad it was

it wasn't bad at all he was doing exactly what fucking Maroon 5 does dude did I talk about this yeah I did talk about this if Harrison Ford was around nobody talks shit to Adam Levine in person talk about this like yeah i did talk about this if harrison ford was around everyone like nobody talks shit to adam levine in person he's a fucking great singer nobody talks shit about him in person because they're pussy ass motherfuckers and then when they go online they go like yeah right look

at his fucking stupid tattoos oh yeah okay bro you're 40 what are you doing with your shit? Bro. You can't... Nothing... You're a fucking pussy-ass motherfucker. When Adam Levine walks around and everyone's, oh, man, even people who aren't fans, oh, man, big fan, can I get a picture? You're a fucking kiss-ass. That's what you are online if you're talking shit.

You're a kiss-ass. You're a kiss-ass motherfucker. You don't say this shit to them. So If you're talking shit, you're a kiss ass. You're a kiss ass motherfucker. You don't say this shit to him. So if you're fucking walking around, you don't see it. If you look online, you see it. You know, Adam Levine, he'll just see it. But he's one of the most popular individuals, period.

I remember that fake shit that they did where they took her nipple out. Janet Jackson was so set up. The malfunction, my asshole malfunction like it's a robot reveal nipple whoops whoopsie daisy oh no my nipple is revealed whoopsie. Back to football. Kickoff number two. Kickoff number two. Oh. Yeah, man. I don't know. What are we at? What time are we at?

Or should we do questions and what do you call it? Also. Misconnections. Let's do. Let's do. Oh, come on, dude. I mean, these misconnections, dude. Okay.

Wait, didn't we do this one oh another one yeah facetime come this is again facetime come looking for another guy packing big so i guess it happened already so i got it good job connection made looking for another guy packing big that wants to come together on facetime dl one-time thing send pic boy he FaceTime. DL one-time thing, send pic. Boy, he's real serious about the one-time thing. He's not using the last guy again. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Well, good luck to this guy again.

Guy keeps getting that FaceTime come going. Nice. Oh, this is great. Maria worked at Pet Boys years ago, Pasadenaadena oh this is like a haiku this is like done in a poem it's like each line it's like a stanza each line is new we were friends we would go out every chance we had it's kind of contradicting but okay we would take drives to santa monica after work you had a maroon accord. If you ever read this, contact me. This happened like 18, 19 years ago.

Jesus Christ. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Yeah, well, obviously you just want to talk to Maria, you know? Like some guy's going to see that and be like, hey man, you want to get fucked in the ass instead? Probably. Maria, dude,

19 years ago so they would say they were in their teens so they must be 40 50 it could be 30 something late 30s 40 50 wow what if they were 50 and now they're 70 though if you're 70 props to props for looking at knowing how to use the internet. This one is a great title. Help with a question mark. Van Nuys. Any females need help with a bill or anything? Willing to trade.

Be serious. Send a picture of yourself. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Why don't you just go aren't there like websites for hookers just go on there there's pictures there what kind of bill are you talking about too like you're doing this the wrong way go to fucking hookers.com what is hookers.com in fact what would hookers.com. What is hookers.com, in fact? What would hookers.com be?

It's obvious if it's really, oh, I should buy hookers.com. Hooker.com, hooker furniture, cool. Hey, change your fucking name, hooker furniture. You know? Hooker furniture. Like, so many. Oh, here we go.

Hookers.com. You know what came up? Ladies. Experienced hookers. Experiencedhookers.com comes up. Oh, this is like fishing. Hookers are trying to. Hooker, the fishing, hookers are trying to hooker the fishing the hooks are trying to take it take it over trying to take over that fucking take that word back hookers what a violent

name for someone who sells their body i'm a hooker um all right what else um all right what else dad what i mean this title alone dude you gotta listen to this dad for son i don't i didn't read this one yet but how about ask your mom first? You know? Here we go. I am a very handsome, busy, successful dad. Oh, Jesus Christ. Looking for son. My company requires a full-time investment of my time. I am looking for a young 18 to 30-year-old cute guy to spend time with.

I am too busy. A relationship is not a possibility. I want someone who I can call to go to dinner with or someone who can sleep over and have some fun. I am not looking to govern your life. Weird choice of words. I just want romantic company when I have time to get away. I would ideally like something ongoing. I am 45, medium build, green eyes, six foot, Italian, Greek, very handsome. Is this Zach Doncovio?

Please send photo with your reply and I will do the same. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Yeah, it's pretty fucking specific, buddy. Wow, West Hollywood, huh? Interesting. I could do it. Hey, it's pretty fucking specific, buddy. Wow, West Hollywood, huh? Interesting. I could do it. Hey, man. I sent a pic of me, my headshot, a still from Undateable. Here you go. I'll do it. I'll be your son. You want to get dinner and have some crazy sleepovers? Oh, man, I love this title. You deserve it. Looking for the MILF or housekeeper girl.

It's different. That needs a long, wet release using my mouth. Ew! Gross, bro! I'm a cool, respectful machete. No, you're not. You're not cool or respectful if you're asking a milf if she wants a wet release using your mouth i'm a cool respectful mature latino man who loves to please

nothing expected in return it's a bad childhood do not contact me with unsolicited service or offers. Looking for the milf or housekeeper girl that needs a wet release using my mouth. Come on, guy. He's in South Park. Okay, well, right to it. This one's come and unload. Guess how come is spelled. Mail for mail.

Shit. Hosting in WeHo for now. I like how this guy's transient. This guy's on the go. Right now I'm in WeHo. If you need to come and unload. BB Bottom. Blindfolded.

It's a bad childhood. Looking for tops. Oh, we get it. it porn playing in background door unlocked ass in the air stats and body pick for address wow bb only what is bb i don't know i thought it meant baby Big Black. Big Beautiful. No, but that's... Stats and body... Stats. You know?

I had 43 stolen bases. Can I come fuck your ass? I had 43 stolen bases last year with the Oakland Athletics. Can I come fuck your ass? Dude, that's crazy. To... To... to have that that's crazy to think my my my fucking kink is i'm gonna blindfold myself put on porn in the background have my ass in the air and my door unlocked and you come and unload. Ah, wow.

Whatever, whatever floats your boat, you know, but, but wow. Wow. Wow. Well,

Hey, as long as you're not hurting anybody, right? Right. I guess that's it, man. You know, I got nothing else. That was a fucking wild. I was thinking about that. But just remember, man.

That's kind of scatland, you know. Nope. No, nobody knows about political corruption. Nobody knows about. There's all peace and love.land, you know. Nobody knows about political corruption. Nobody knows about there's all peace and love. And, you know, you blindfold yourself and wait for a guy to just stuff it up, you know, to just stuff it up. Gross. Okay, cool. Well, I got that new chicago date added uh anyway that guy blindfolded him let him fucking

pump his ass i got a new chicago date coming up uh st louis uh was rescheduled seattle coming up soon hamilton ontario windsor ontario kalamazoo anaheim san janez valley center, Albany, Hanover, Maryland, Huntington, New York, Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, Lexington, Albuquerque. Change your name. Santa Fe, Phoenix, Tucson, Greensboro, Newport News for some reason. Anyway, follow the leader tour. Get your tickets at crystalia.com. Download the Crystalia app. You get to see other shit this episode you get to see a different fucking one because

we had to start over because one fire literally didn't hit the record button for the first eight minutes one fire a hundred percent support the show by buying merch at store.crystallia.com we got new stuff coming up soon you guys are killing it i see all you with the wouldn't make a fucking dent shirts out there and the baby shirts the the baby's merch and tees. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. They come out every day after the fucking, the day after the audio ones. And you can watch my specials on Netflix.

You can go to Comedians of the World, watch a new one nonstop, or you can watch Man on Fire. A lot of people have been watching Incorrigible lately. I've been getting a lot of fucking DMs and tweets about that. So that's very cool.

I don't know why that one though. But you guys are great. Thanks so much, my babies. And that's it. You guys, have a good time.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Congratulations.