Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 107. Pault

Episode Date: February 11, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about the famous George Brett story. Also discussed: The Assassination of Gianni Versace, Edgar Ramirez, Ricky Martin, male models, doing math, Bryant Gumbel, and how getting a new car sucks. Plus, we name an elder and do Missed Connections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. What's up, babies? Congratulations. The podcast, episode 107. And we're in it.

And also, I'm wearing tan. And also, I have a tan background. Ivan Getridov brought it to my attention. Maybe it's a fucking... He's like, maybe you should change your shirt. And he gave me a suggestion. And I was like, you know what to my attention maybe it's a fucking you know he's like maybe you should change your shirt you know and he gave me a suggestion and i was like you know what dude you got to be raw you got to be real you got to come and you got to do it as you are dude it's like that song and nirvana song come as you are dude you come as you are i ain't changing for nobody now that's not i actually don't like when people say that kind of shit i ain't changing

for nobody it's like a very 26 year old mentality you can't be fucking almost 40 and say i don't like changing i ain't changing but um yeah we're live on the app on my app if you go into the app store and you can just uh the podcast on my app, Chris D'Elia app. Just type in Chris D'Elia, the app store, and you will see the first 10 minutes, 15 minutes before anyone else live. And if I goof, I goof.

You know what I mean? But I got to say, man, I'm wearing tan, and it's a tan background, and that's what's up. And that's what's up this week. That's what's going to be what's up this week. But I got shows in Seattle coming up. There's still a little tickets left on my Saturday show. We added that recently.

And then I'm going to Spokane. Those are all sold out probably because there's nothing doing Spokane. Also, take the E off the end of that fucking city so it can just be Spokane. And people won't doing Spokane. Also take the E off the end of that fucking city so it can just be Spokane. And people won't say Spokane, and you won't have to get mad at it because people hate when you say Spokane. But anyway, it's episode 107,

and I can't believe we're doing it. And we got a guest coming up. We got our first guest confirmed. Besides my brother, or as my mom would say for some reason, Brawler. She says that sometimes. And instead of San Diego, she says San Diego

to be funny. Now, she's a crazy person. She also calls my brother Maffy and me Krinks for some reason. And I don't know why, but whatever. She's 70 and she just... People just get crazy as they get older. They get so much like themselves, they can't handle it. That's why you basically are an actor in a movie.

You become an actor in a movie that is undirectable. That's what you become. It's like when Denzel or Al Pacino is in a movie with some young director that has no vision. And they're just like, oh, I'm going to walk all over him. That's what your fucking mom and dad become. And then you're like, Al, do you maybe want to do it a different way? And he goes like this, oh, I've been in this business for a long time. No.

And then you're just like, okay. And then he just walks all over him. And then Al Pacino has one of the worst performances that he's ever had in his career. So basically your parents become someone who are if if you don't direct them enough they will be the worst they will be performing the worst in their entire lives so my mom says san diego and i don't correct her but also it's funny so my mom is basically appicino uh is what i'm saying but uh i have been on i've been home this past week, which is feeling like it's happening less and less frequent. I enjoyed my time home in Los Angeles.

And I got some heavy road dates coming up soon, which is just a lot. I might have to turn down some fucking gigs that this college gig it's hard to turn down work man but I want to be home sometimes you know I got into the show the assassination of Jenny Versace God what an Italian name Jenny Versace

and I didn't even realize it was an American crime story because I saw the OJ one. As good as a Cuba Gooding Jr. Cuba Gooding Jr. is. And that guy is a fucking amazing actor. He really is. I worked with him. It's cock, but I did. And he's just great.

Um, I did a movie with him two years ago that hasn't come out yet. And he got a call in the middle. This is how good of a fucking guy, professional and actor he is. In the middle of acting in this scene, he got a call and his dad died. This is real. And they were like, do you want to go? Do you need to fly home? And he was like, nope, I want to finish the scene.

He was finishing it. It wasn't even on his coverage. He stayed to be off camera for us. We were like, dude, just go home. Fly home. And he was like, no, I'll do it. He fucking took a 20-minute cry break and then came back and fucking killed it for us.

The guy's unbelievable. And he's a great actor. And he won the Oscar and he deserved it. And he was great in O.J. But also, I thought it was really weird. Look, he's such a great actor and he won the Oscar and he deserved it and he was great in O.J. But also, I thought it was really weird. Look, he's such a good actor but the O.J. Simpson

would just, O.J. is like such a big guy, you know? It was weird to pick such a small guy, Cuba Gooding Jr., to be O.J. It was just kind of miscast and as good as Cuba Gooding Jr. to be OJ. It was just kind of miscast.

And as good as Cuba Gooding Jr. is, I wanted some big fucking oaf to play OJ. Anyway, fine. I watched some of the OJ stuff. The fucking Versace. This show, I know I'm late to the game by the way is blowing my mind it's so good it's so good this assassination american crime story season two assassination of johnny versace is so good everybody's so good in it the The tone is so good. The writing, the acting is just amazing.

Dude, the guy who plays Gianni Versace, first of all, it looks just like him. He's so good, dude. I don't even know what is that guy? Who is that guy? I see him. He definitely played a bad guy in James Bond. No doubt.

There's no way that guy did not play a bad guy in James Bond. And he was on a plane with me once, and I saw him, and I was like, oh, that guy either, that guy, that guy is for sure. Who is he? What's his name? Yeah, that's him. That's him. Edgar?

Edgar Ramirez. How did they make him look so much like Jennifer Saatchi? How did they make him look so much like Jennifer Satchi? How did they make him look so much like Jennifer Satchi? But, um, God, he's good. Um, so, but Darren Criss is so good, and I'm

like watching this show, and I'm like this, this, this fucking guy's so good, and then I look it up, and here's how dumb and out of the loop I am. I'm like, why is nobody talking about this? And I look it up and the guy won like every award. I'm like, oh.

But it's cool when Hollywood gets some shit right, you know? God, that guy's a fucking good actor, Darren Criss. And so is the Edgar something. You know what? He was at the comedy store the other night, Edgar Ramirez. I didn't know he. I should have said something he's so good they're all good everybody in the show is good from the guy playing the military guy to the other guy playing his gay lover to the guy playing the fucking you got to watch his show man if you haven't seen it ricky martin is fucking good

which i was like what i didn't even know he was an actor. I just thought he fucking lived La Vida Loca. I just thought, I literally thought Ricky Martin did pop music and then just was like living La Vida Loca from then on and didn't do, like, he's good as fuck though. He plays Gianni Versace's,

his gay lover. Dead lover. What? You know? Anyway. It's – the whole show is so fucking good, man. You got to watch his show. Finn – who's that guy? Finn Whitwick?

Whitlock? Whitcock? Whitrock? He's really good, this guy. What's that guy? Finn Whitwick? Whitlock? Whitcock? Whitrock? He's really good, this guy. What's he in? God, he's good. These fucking guys are good. Unbroken, The Big Short.

These guys. Oh, he's in American Horror Story? Yeah, Ryan Murphy reuses all these guys. I love when they do that shit. I need to get in a camp, dude. I need to get in a fucking camp, man. God, I got to get in a camp, dude. I need to get in a fucking camp, man. God, I got to get in some fucking cool camp. I got to create a camp.

The camp I have is fucking Brian Callen and Theo and fucking, you know what I mean? These fucking pieces of shit. I got to get some fucking guys who just lose themselves in a role. You know what I mean? Ah, it's so corny though it's not though if they do it right you know like this show he's just good man he's they're good it makes me so mad when my dogs bark i can't get over it. I know you probably can't hear it in my thing, but my dogs are barking

and it makes me so angry, dude. I want them to know not to bark, and they should know not to bark, and they do know not to bark, but they fucking do it anyway. They do it anyway if they hear the gardener, a gardener, a neighbor, fucking

the mailman could drive by, the fucking fridge could make a whirringer, a neighbor, fucking the mailman could drive by, the fucking fridge could make a whirring sound, and my dogs fucking bark, and I'm angry. And that's it. I'm fucking angry. Where's the timer? I don't see it. It's fucking, the fucking barks my dog dude dude my dog's dude sam specifically

just all day fucking long they got their haircut they're cute as shit dude dogs are amazing but they bark these fucking little fucks bark so much man stop barking i go no i go like that and they go like this they know what's up dude they're getting good at shitting outside though man they're cute man salmon butters they're cute

anyway but Versace's clothing you know Versace's clothing, you know, Versace's, Versace's clothing is just like, to me, a mess, I mean, dude, so much, the only thing I know about Versace is that gold fucking. Actually, some of it's cool.

Like, that's cool. The stuff that Future wears, like wrappers and stuff, sometimes is cool. Oh, that's not Future. That's 2 Chainz. But, like, Versace, like, the stuff that, like, Persians wear is just ridiculous. Like that gold fucking, what is that gold, what do we call it? Like it looks like, what is that? What would you even call it?

You know what you call it? Persian. That's what you call it. That's the straight up most Persian shit you could wear is that gold gold versace like who do we think we are you know that you'd wear that you know who do we think we are that you would get a gold hibiscus print click on it well don't click off it because i'm talking about it, one fire, and angry. He clicks off it when I start talking about it. Anger. Gold hibiscus print zipped hoodie for $1,400. Dude, who do we think we are to get that and wear that? Or the robes, you know? If you lounge around in a robe, let me just say this, dude. If you lounge around in a robe and you're a guy who the fuck do you think you are if you're just chilling with a robe on like and

postmates come and you go get it get it in your robe and you're just especially if you're just you have like a two-bedroom house like go fuck yourself you need to be so high up in the sky in a fucking condo with rooms and rooms and marble and so much marble to wear a goddamn robe of any kind. I don't care if you get it from Bed Bath & Beyond. If you're wearing a robe in an apartment complex in the valley in Studio City, you really got to rethink what the fuck's going on. Take it off. Close it up. Shrug your shoulders back. Let it fall and put on some fucking pants, man.

Who are you? James fucking Brown. If you have a robe on right now and you're listening to this podcast and you're a man and you make less than $60 million a year, take it off. Take it the fuck off. How much of these fashion guys are just taking the piss out of everybody? Take it off. Take it the fuck off. How much of these fashion guys are just taking the piss out of everybody? I'm looking at some fucking Versace shorts that say Vroom on it. Ugh.

They say Vroom on it. God, look at these dumb fucking models. Look at these dumb. How dumb do you have to be to be a male model, by the way? Not a female. Female models, you can do it and turn it into a brand and you could be smart if you're a guy model you're a fucking dumb you're a chair dude you're basically a chair that's what you are if you're a guy model this is what you do sometimes you go you go like this literally you go like this you do that wait a minute

you do that that's what you do if you're a fucking male model you go like this wait what that's what you do a lot you go like this you say

who's the president you say stuff like this. You say, who's the president? You say stuff like this. You say, oh, fuck, I'm real bad at math when somebody says, what's nine plus four? Dude, you don't know what a square root is. You don't need to, though. Congratulations if you don't know what a square root is. I wish I didn't know what a square root is. Fuck math, though. Congratulations if you don't know what a square root is. I wish I didn't know what a square root is. Fuck math, dude.

Dude, once I got, when I was in high school, we got to imaginary numbers. I go like this. In my head, I go like this. Imaginary numbers. No. Why are we, it's hard enough. Why are we imagining more shit that doesn't exist?

Fuck you, math teacher, dude. I was so bad at fuck you math teacher dude i was so bad at math you know why i'm so bad at math because who gives a fuck dude if you're not going to be a dude high school is if you're listening to this and you're in high school i guess continue to go but it needs to be more specialized man it needs to be more specialized i gotta go and learn it. Fucking home ec. Why dude? Why? I don't want to do that shit. I got to learn math. Why? I'm a fucking comedian. I knew I wanted to be a comedian. Why do I have to do math? Why? To fall back on what dude? Guess what? Guess who still sucks at math? Hi. Guess who still sucks at math? Me.

I suck at math, dude. I barely know what a fucking square root is. I'm a male model when it comes to math, dude. Sit on me. Sit on me, hot girl. I'm a male model when it comes to math. You want me to add digits? Hey, hot girl.

Sit on me. Bro. Hey, yo. You want me to fucking add digits hey hot girl sit on me bro you hey yo you want me to fucking add digits well guess what dude instead dude you want me to fucking male model, bro? Get out of here. Instead. You want me to add digits, bro? Fuck off, bro. Fuck off. God, I hated when high school when they made you do all that shit dude i'm oh i'm 38 and i'm still mad about this shit you want me to you want me to divide and do square routes and come up with what train's gonna get to what stop first dude i got some fucking news for you man come on go faster oh oh wait oh wait dude this is the real deal where's the fucking

fuck yeah dude wow that sounds good you want me to fucking dude hey i got news for you my camera was ridiculous pictures of my ceiling right now but you got i got news for you dude you want me to do the square root of fucking some bullshit? You want me to fuck with imaginary numbers? Dude, I got some fucking news for you. That's who I am, man. I'll look over my shoulder and... Dude, I'm not doing it, man. No, no.

I'm not doing it. What? I'm going to science class? Why? To learn chemistry? I got news for you. Hey, get behind me. Check out this shoulder look.

That's it, dude. I wish these existed when I was in high school. I would fucking do that. Anytime a teacher, anytime a teacher asked me fucking the square root of 75, that's what I'd do. I'd go, I have it. I have it. I'd even go for the, I'd be like, teacher, I have it. I'd be like, Chris. And I'd be like teacher i have it the chris and i'd be like what

i'm a fucking male model in this bitch we feeling fucking crazy today man we put the fucking creamer in the iced coffee what we put the creamer in the iced coffee what's a richer sound than that imagine you're in a condo way high up above the clouds and you've got a regular versace robe or a regular robe or a versace robe on and you're like and the guy buzzes up and then they come to meet you and you're're just. Hello. Okay. Because I. God damn dude.

If I get more numbers from Burbank calling me dude. Hey Burbank. Never call me. Nobody in Burbank better ever call me. But. Imagine having a meeting. And you show up way high up in the fucking condos. And a guy's in a robe.

And then he. Hey I'd like to talk to you about some stuff. You'd be like. I'm in for a fucking. I'm in for the real deal dude. I am in for the fucking, I'm in for the real deal, dude. I am in for the real fucking deal. It's so fucking British

to have ice in your... Yes, I'd like to talk to you a little bit about an opportunity. I have an opportunity for you. And you'd be like, is it fucking evil? It's not necessarily evil, but to some people... Hey, listen, nobody thinks they're evil, right?

We're all doing what we think is right. But people want different things, don't they? I'd like to talk to you a little bit about something. Sure, some people will die. But it is for the greater good, right? I need your expertise. Oh, my God. That's the most British thing you could possibly hear right here.

I need your expertise. Wow, dude. I'm a fucking idiot. Why do you listen to this podcast? Yeah, anyway, dude. but that's what's up. So watch the Versace and then don't fucking stop doing so much math when you're 16. Are you crazy, bro? Are you fucking insane?

I want to talk about this fucking YouTube video that has been brought to my attention for the first time in years. And it has not gotten the recognition it deserves. I talked about it. I heard it first years ago. I watched it years ago. It's got a million views. And let me tell you something, dude. That is not enough. That is not enough. That is not enough.

Because this is so funny. And I'm going to play it for you guys. And first, let me give you some background. So George Brett is a fucking... You know what? I'm going to do ad breaks. And then I'm going to fucking do this right here. George Brett is a fucking O2. All right. You know what? I'm going to do ad breaks, and then I'm going to fucking do this right here.

All right? So now I'm going to talk about this. Oh, I got to get that. Yeah. So all right. So, this guy, you may not know if you're a young baby. It was right around my time in the 80s. George Brett was the man. He was a great baseball player on the Kansas City Royals.

So he became a coach or some kind of a manager or something for the Royals. And there is leaked video and audio of him. Do you guys know about this? You do, right? Yeah, of course. Where he is telling a younger player, you know what? Let me just play it for you. This guy, let me just start before I even play it.

This is the most, this is more than hitting a grand slam, more than shagging fly balls, more than eating sunflower seeds waiting on the on-deck circle. This right here, this three minutes is the most baseball thing that has ever happened. Here we go. It's unreal. Back to the right, gentlemen. Both hands.

Right side. Stretching. George Brett's stretching. Okay? here we go it's unreal stretching george brett stretching okay it's weird by the way the manager stretch there's no fucking reason for it you stand around and tell people what to do so he's stretching so now the it's so baseball dude by the way the manager dresses up in the fucking uniform which is so fucking sad hey that's sad imagine pat riley out there with a fucking Knicks jersey on. Is that what he? No. He was Lakers? What was he? Knicks. Yeah.

Got it right. Of course it's Knicks. You know why it's Knicks? Look at Pat Riley. Couldn't be more New York. Hey, hey. So fuck's going on? It looks like Pat Riley is always saying that.

Always on the verge of saying that. I shit my pants last night. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. This is how it starts.

Pardon. Pardon, he says. Stretch. Oh, he farts. This is how it starts. Pardon. Pardon, he says. Stretch. Oh, he farts. I didn't realize this. But that's what he says? You hear that fart? Wow.

Okay, so he farts, stretching next to a player. Pardon. Wow. Okay, so he farts, stretching, next to a player. Farted. Farted. Not even I farted. Do you know how, let me tell you something. The ego you have to have on you to fart and then say, farted, is the ego of someone who wears a robe. To fart and then say farted. Is is. The ego of someone who wears a robe.

It's just unbelievable. I shit my pants last night. And then goes right into the story. OK. I shit my pants last night. Dude, this is. Fart? There's a fart.

Fart. Okay. I shit my pants last night. I did. I did. Okay. Okay. So now the younger player is like, okay. And he's just stretching.

And he says, I did. I had a great meal. Just a great fucking meal. I had to go to the bathroom. So bad in the car. I'm going, travel. Come fucking meal. I had to go to the bathroom, so bad in the car. I'm going, travel, hurry up, man. I got shit. I had fucking shit in my pants.

I wasn't just... Audio's kind of weird. Goes in and out. But it gets better. Just listen. I'm good twice a year for that. Oh. When was the last time you shit your pants?

Me? Yeah. Been a while? It's been a while. I was in Vegas a couple years ago. Just an honest to God true story. I mean, why does this guy want to... I was staying at the Bellagio.

Talk about... Went over to the Mirage for dinner, met some friends of mine over there. Went to Kokomo, it's a great little steakhouse. The guy brings out some fresh crab legs. He just came in, I gotta give them to you guys. I'm eating them. Then we go play gamble a little bit. I had a tea time early in the morning. So I said, look, I gotta get going. I'm walking back to you guys. I'm eating them. Then we go play gamble a little bit. I had a tea time early in the morning.

So I said, look, I gotta get going. I'm walking back to the hotel. I get three quarters of the way out of the lobby. And all of a sudden I go, oh, fuck. And I'm standing here like this. I got my butt pinched so fucking, I'm fucked. I can't move. All of a sudden, you know, felt all right.

I went just like this. Water. I had some like this. Water. I had food poisoning from the crabs. Oh, yeah, you think? Take off my leather jacket. Tied it around my waist. I'm just standing there, and it's just running down my leg. I got jeans on, black bucks, no socks.

So basic. And now I just start fucking walking. Every time I'm walking, it's coming out. It's water. start fucking walking. Every time I'm walking, it's coming out. It's water. Straight fucking water. Then, just check how sick I was. I'll tell you how sick I was. Then I'm standing outside and I get on my cell phone and I call the guy.

I said, Larry, you won't believe this. I'm standing outside the fucking Balazs. I can't move. I got shit everywhere. I shit all over myself. And Larry's about a 48 waist. So he brings me over a pair of pants and some towels and some towels. And so then he comes over and he meets me.

I tell him where I'm standing. He finds the closest bathroom. When you go up the escalator, you go into the... I can't get in the elevator. So he goes in, he finds the closest bathroom in the lobby of the hotel. And then I get in the escalator. and he kind of pretends like he dropped something so no one gets behind me I go in there he goes and gets the towel

the guy who's talking to him is walking away and he's following him leave my shoes my pants everything right there the towels right there in the stall and I'm walking barefoot with my shirt and his pants that are 48 waist through the lobby like this They're all walking away. Wait for it.

Wait for it. Wait for it. Wait for it. First of all, should know. You know, it's his team. Who's, by the way, who's the pitchers in this game? Dude, nothing. Yo, you could hit a grand slam at fucking with the bottom of the ninth to win it.

Behind by three. With the bases loaded and a count full. And that is not more baseball than that. First of all, he's wearing bucks with no socks. Nothing more baseball than that, dude. And a leather jacket. Dude, I can't believe how baseball this is. This is inside baseball. They need to do a fucking real sports on this.

Brian Gumbel needs to be like, George Brett, former Golden Glove winner, great manager for the Kansas City Royals, a hometown hero for wherever he grew up. Did you know he shit his pants in the Bellagio? And then they just need to do with it. I did. I shit my pants and I was wearing bucks. He was the most baseball dressed person of all time. He wore no socks and a leather jacket.

Dude, bro, imagine wearing no socks and a leather jacket. I shit my pants last night. That's who deserves to shit their pants in the Bellagio. And he had an early tea time. Nothing is more baseball than playing golf in the morning. Dude, this guy is unbelievable, dude. This is more unbelievable than Darren Criss' performance in the assassination of Gianni Versace.

This is... Dude. And... I shit my pants last night. True story. Who's the pitchers in this game? Dude, we got to... Let me break it down, because we just played it. Right side. Back to the right, gentlemen. Both hands. True story. Who's the pitchers in this game? Dude, we gotta, let me break it down

because we just played it. Right side. Back to the right, gentlemen. Both hands. Right side. So it's just it's before the game. He's stretching. He shouldn't be. He's just, why do the managers stretch and wear the uniform? Hey, guy. Sad. There's the fart I shit my pants last night

by the way he's stretching in front of a guy the guy's face is in his ass and he farted and he says farted and that's such a boss move dude and then the guy walks away nobody's like they're like okay we gotta play

you gotta watch the video we'll show it on our video podcast but like you gotta watch the video because the guys are all walking away and he's the manager and the players are like okay yeah cool and I'm sorry but the end The end.

Dude, also, you don't have to say double-tapered shit. The first end is always tapered because it's coming out it's the second part that is sometimes not tapered you know perfect double taper shit wow how baseball is it you got to watch this george brett fucking thing god it's so funny man who's the pitchers in the game tonight? Who's the pitchers in this game? How old is George Brett? That guy is the man. Golden Glove winner.

Golden Glove winner, George Brett. And let me do a fucking thing. Yeah, go. I want to see the whole thing. Go to it. No, the text. Just make it bigger, you know? Make it bigger.

George Howard Brett, born May 15th, 1953. A retired American baseball third baseman and designated hitter who played 21 years in Major League Baseball for the Kansas City Royals. Took the most perfect double-double shit. Dude, make it bigger, bro.

I'm not a fucking eagle. Brett's 3,154 career... I'm Brian Gumbel. Did you know George Brett's 3,154 career hits are the Brian Gumbel. Did you know George Brett's 3,154 career hits are the most by any third baseman in Major League history and 16th all-time? He is one of four players in the Major League Baseball Association history to accumulate 3,000 hits.

But his biggest feat was shitting his pants with no socks on at the Bellagio and wearing a 48 waist back to his hotel room. So nobody knew. And when he woke up in the next morning, he took the most perfect double-tapered shit that you've ever seen. And that's a true story. Who's the pitchers today?

Who's the pitchers for today's game? Brian Gumbel, worst impression of all time. Brian Gumbel is whiter than a fucking powder, Who's the pitchers for today's game? Brian Cumble, worst impression of all time. Brian Cumble is whiter than a fucking powder, even though he's black. I'm Brian Cumble. I'm Brian Cumble. Is he a fucking rooster, dude? Brian Cumble's a fucking rooster, bro.

I'm Brian Cumble. I'm Brian Cumble. Dude, I got to play some Brian Cumble. fucking rooster, bro. Brian Gumbel. Dude, I gotta play some Brian Gumbel. You know, a lot of guys know who Brian Gumbel is. Also, dude, Bryant. How are you gonna fucking just add a T to the end of your name and make it different?

Get the fuck out of here. Bryant. Hey, my name's fucking Paul. Paul. Hey, how you doing? I'm Paul. Hey, I'm David. Bryant is so cocked to fucking be named Bryant. Bryant Callen.

Real Sports. Okay. Bryant. Also, Gumbel, dude. That guy's the... Wow, that guy fucking... You know what? I hate when people say this, but this is the truth. He fucks. Um.

Oh, here's him with Rogan. I didn't know he did that all right i'll just the price of youth these days the places kids go to these guys are just amazing dude the guys who do this are just amazing to have gotten so big that you can only appreciate their size from high above like who are the guys from fucking some of the guys from the forensic fuck or wait what's the what's the no we got to listen to brian gumbel gumbel here we got to listen to his voice here we go president has been highly critical of players who have refused remarks in Alabama about what owners ought to do to players. How does the president's insertion of politics

into football? How has it impacted the game in your opinion? Well, I don't think you can totally ignore it, but I'd like to believe that at this point, people of goodwill recognize the protest. Dude, he's a rooster. Dude, he's clucking. Brian Gumbel clucks.

With the military or the flag. So, yeah, has it had some effect on the lessening of interest in the NFL game? I think that's part of it, but I think it's a very small part of it. I mean, I think there's some bigger issues at work. I think there's some bigger issues at work. Wake up at six. He's a very small part of it. I mean, I think there's some bigger issues at work. I think there's some bigger issues at work. Clock, clock, clock, clock. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Wake up at 6.

He's a rooster. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Wake up at 5. There's farm work to do. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Dude, you know he wakes up next to his wife at 5 a.m. And he starts to say, I'm Brian Cumble. It's time to wake up.

There's time to do some farm work. And they just live in Beverly Hills. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Wake up. It's 5. And they just live in Beverly Hills. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Wake up. It's 5 a.m. You're burning daylight. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Real sports.

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Taking a shower. Oh, fuck, man. I fucking love doing this podcast. God damn it. I shit my pants last night. Fart it. Fart it.

Oh, dude. These guys. Brian Cumble's looking good, dude. These guys. Brian Gumbel's looking good, though. These guys. Some people get really. What is it about guys that they get so much. They either really do get so much better looking when they get older, or they just get so much worse looking, dude. Who is that guy?

Greg Gumbel? That's his brother? Oh, I was going to say, dude, how is that not Brian Gumbel with the fucking... That looks like Brian Gumbel. Greg Gumbel looks like... Greg Gumbel, who I don't know,

apparently does the same thing as Brian Gumbel, but he looks like Brian Gumbel if Brian Gumbel was in the clumps. Hercules. Hercules. Hercules, Hercules. Anyway, what was I saying about the fucking... God.

I don't know. I fucking hate when I lose my train of thought, dude. I don't remember. It doesn't matter. It doesn't unking matter, dude. It doesn't fucking unking matter. Yeah, George Brett just fucking... I love...

When I was a kid, I would watch baseball, and I loved it. And my dad fucking would... I remember when the Mets were winning in the 86 World Series. When they won, my dad was on the ground just fucking like, yes, yes, yes.

You know? Fuck, man. Baseball. Baseball and football and basketball and hockey. Those are the sports, man. That's it. That's all I give of them. So I'm going to do these second reads, I guess.

Where are they here we go um so yeah so listen man um what else did i want to talk about i don't even remember i don't member i don't membo. You guys do baby voice with your girl? You got to do baby voice with your girl, dude. That's how you start feeling like a kid. You start feeling like you just came out the womb, dude. You got to do baby voice with your girl, man.

Membo? Do you membo? Or you say stuff like, Oh, you hooded me. Or some shit. That's so gangster. Ow, I have a stomachache. It hurts.

That's fucking gangster to do baby voice with your girl. I do it all day long. I tell her, I say, my stomach hurts. And she says, it hurts? Fuck yeah, dude. You don't do baby voice with your girl? You ain't shit, dude. You don't do baby voice with your girl? You ain't shit, dude. I appreciate it if you don't, though, because that's kind of gangster to not. But, dude, I look at you could fucking.

I look at my girl. I go, my stomach hurts. I ain't got no mother. So I fuck your bitch. She goes, it hurts. Yep. That's gangster. So I fucked your bitch back, motherfucker. Take money.

My stomach hurts. Wow, I'm an idiot. Anyway, there's another hockey player with the same name I have. Chris D'Elia. We got to fucking put a squash on that, dude. Apparently, he signed a $1 million deal the next three years, which kind of, but does he really know the fucking? I don't know, dude, but he's probably fucking 13.

So anyway, yeah, dude, there was another. When I was on MySpace, MySpace was before a lot of your guys' time. But when I was on MySpace, I tried to get my URL, Chris D'Elia, MySpace.com, Chris D'Elia. And then I ended up getting fucking MySpace.com, D'Elia Chris because somebody already had Chris D'Elia. I was like, who the fuck has Chris D'Elia? And I looked and the guy who had Chris D'Elia was Chris D'Elia and he's my age. He was in fucking LA and a fucking producer and he's my age

and he was just another guy named Chris D'Elia and it's fucking bullshit and he's out there now. I think he was a producer on At Midnight or something like that. I've met him a few times

but the first time I ever met him, I was at this place called Green Door. It was a bar club that my buddy used to fucking run. He used to do the night there like the promoter he was a promoter he's a promoter and so we we went there and he um and he uh was like listening this guy at the bar he was like yeah put it on my tab put it on chris

talia's tab and my buddy was like, hey, man, who are you? You don't put fucking money. You don't put drinks on my buddy's tab. And he was like, what? And he was like, you can't put drinks. I don't recognize you. Don't put drinks on my buddy's tab. And he's like, I'm putting on my tag.

He's like, what are you talking about? He's like, my buddy Chris D'Elia. He's like, I'm Chris D'Elia. And he's like, no, you're not. And he's like, yes, I am. And he showed him chris leah he's like i'm chris leah and he's like no you're not and he's like yes i am and he showed him his id and he was like oh fuck come here and then he introduced me to him i was like you're the guy with the fucking myspace page and um and we met and he's a nice guy it's probably more annoying for him than it is for me because you know he's not on tv and shit and i am and god that would be so fucking annoying being having the same name of another guy on tv and shit and you're not

but the guy's a good guy and i saw him at the airport i've seen him a few different places anyway there's another hockey player a hockey player with our name so fucking great job we now we got now i got three of us dude we can even do all chill play hockey produce and fucking do comedy maybe we do a fucking comedy about hockey and he can produce it he can produce it yeah um anyway that's fucking crazy right you got guys with your name or what out there are there babies out there with some of your name? Farted. Shit my pants last night. True story. We have an elder I'm going to get into right here. We have an elder

and the elder here is at congratslogcab. That's Jake Jeffries. Been out there with support for a long time and we've noticed, man. His personal Twitter is MrJakes53. Change it. But you know that because you're a baby and now you're an elder dude so thank you for all you do you keep the word out there and you spread this cult and uh we see you we see you out there so thank you very much

man uh it really doesn't go unnoticed and uh you are an elder now so congratulations on your pin and all that shit uh and you'll get the certificate in the mail coming soon because one fire will send it. And if he doesn't, one fire. Anyway, but also, whatever. Fucking this is what it is. How much time we got going on? 48 minutes. I drink on you, motherfuckersers We have a guest coming up soon

I'm not going to say who it is Because it's confirmed But we got a guest coming And it's a big one It's going to be the first non-family guest And it'll be March 7th We're going to do an extra episode Every month with a guest.

So we're still going to keep it real with the babies because when we're on, what you see is what you get. Right? And we're going to come here and we're going to bullshit and we're going to talk about this stuff. We're going to talk about robes. We're going to talk about, you know what I mean? The real important issues like fucking, you know,

how baseball is it to wear no socks? Dude, if you wear no, yeah, that's a crazy fucking thing to wear shoes. Some people wear shoes with no socks. That's insane. What do you do when you sweat? Dude, I fucking traded my car in. I got a new car. How annoying is it being at a fucking car lot just i and i the kind of guy i am

is when i i know people complain if i know everybody's complaining about something i like to look for the good in it because i don't want to be i have like a fucking thing where like i don't want to be like everybody else and so i'm like yeah it's probably not as annoying is it you know i just don't i just don't trust a group of people i don't i don't trust a group of people anytime there's a big group i don't i don't trust you know also if you're a big group of people you're i think i was talking about this on h3 the other day it's just weird to think all the anytime every bunch of people think the same thing, it's fucking weird, right? So,

that's, like, anything, like religion, fucking, you know, I know this is a cult, but cults. Anyway, everyone thinks going, like car salesmen, they're pieces of shit liars or whatever. So I go in thinking

i know this fuck it people are stupid i'll get the best of them uh and and we'll be friends and shit like that dude car salesman i got a buddy who's a car salesman and he's a good guy so you know i know good guys do it too and he's where i got my car from but um the first guy years ago I got my car from was just a fucking lying sack of shit. I got this G-Wagon. I like the color. And I was just like, yeah, it's cool. You know, it's cool. He's like, oh, it's the best on the road, best looking car, this and that.

It's amazing. The interior is amazing. I got it. I was like, I got a fucking like four-year lease. I was like, what if I don't like it in fucking two years?'s like trade it i'll come in trade it whatever it's all good fine don't do shit i won't i'll get rid of it no you won't have to pay i was like all right so i got it and of course i didn't like it in fucking two years because the old g wagons fucking they just don't drive nice they don't't drive well. The new ones do. The new ones are amazing, but the old ones don't. It's like fucking, it's like an old Bronco, you know,

where you're just like, you could hurt your shoulder turning the fucking wheel, you know? Like I got my tetanus shot, and I was trying to drive, and it was hurting like a motherfucker. But anyway, and then I went back to go trade it in and they were like oh you owe fucking 40 grand on it and it was like i'm like i'm not paying that shit and then he was like uh and they were like well i was like the guy told me he would do it he's like oh he's not here anymore like he didn't work there anymore like these guys are just fucking most of these guys are just sexist shit dude they're just sexist shit they They'll be like, yo, it's 25 grand. You'll just be like, no. And they'll be like, okay, well,

then just pay the monthly. And you're like, really? You're just trying to rob me from 25 grand? It's unbelievable. Leave. If you're gonna get a car and they're trying to fucking take advantage of you, leave. You know?

They just don't they don't give a fuck man anyway I got a new car and it's awesome it's the new G-Wagon it drives so much better those 2018 and younger

and older I should say I guess G-Wagons are not worth it, man. They're the freshest looking cars, but they just don't drive right. Anyway. Anyway. Let's do Twitter questions or missed connections. Yeah, man.

Yeah. Misconnections. Yeah, man. So we got some from misconnections. Misconnect gang. Ping, ping, pang. West side. Remember that shit?

Misconnect gang. Ping, ping, pang. West side. Here we go. Oh, wow. Oh, mean all right so so here we go with the misconnections sibby here's the fuck you know what a sibian is it's one of those things that i think girls sit on and then it's like a dildo and it fucking vibrates it's like a what what is a sibian it's like a it's like a kind of like that right like and you oh it's a robotic thing that you sit on and it's got a dick on it right and you sit on the dick and it like

fucks you yeah right yeah okay that's what i thought it was uh okay so go back so sibian rider sibian rider dot dot dot where did you go girl that used to ride my sibby and i lost your number need you back soon or someone else uh basically just looking for a sibby and writer doesn't give a fuck about the old one just throwing in or someone else at the end you know what doesn't need to be specific do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers now what i'm wondering is why does one fire keep the text so small but that's what i'm wondering now it's all good but he keeps doing it therefore i'm wondering uh need you back soon or someone else i love how a lot of these guys act like it's pressing. Like, fuck, man.

My wife's out for three days. Need a Sibian rider. Sibian rider sounds like a fucking old 70s movie with like, you know, like Easy Rider, I guess. Fuck it. I don't even want to,

it's like not worth it. It's just too close to Easy Rider. See ya. Here's another one. Steven, I miss you. Hey, write him. Body. Steven, I miss coming by your place and getting you in a better mood by relieving your stress.

This is the 47-year-old guy that you used several times. And then, open to other friends. A lot of these guys at the end of their fucking messages are like, you know what? I don't want to leave out the fact that I might be able to fucking squirt in someone else. Let's just be open to everything. And then do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. You don't need to say that. You just said open to other friends.

So fucking contradictory. A lot of these guys are contradictory. What is relieving stress? Why is that such a big thing? Why can't you just fucking nut? Why does it have to be like, hey, a lot of these guys are like, I know you work hard. Need a stress reliever? Like, dude, it's just nothing. Okay, next one. Oh my God, dude. This fucking title. Vanessa, this is a long body, by the

way. Vanessa, my Lyft driver with the beautiful overbite. I kind of like overbites, by the way. So it's funny that this guy says beautiful overbite. You drove me and two others from the east side to the west side on October 29th. This is basically a Montel Jordan song so far.

You drove me and two others from the east side to the west side on October 29th. I have red hair and blue eyes. You recently broken up with your boyfriend who wasn't kind to you and caused your finger to gash. What? Wait. You recently broken up with your boyfriend who wasn't kind to you and caused your finger to gash when we went swimming.

Why did you go swimming with this person? What? I think it means when you went swimming. I liked your overbite. Creepy. You liked that I liked your overbite. I mean, when only you and I were left in the car, you asked me for my number, but I was seeing someone and I had to turn you down. But I still admitted that I found you sexy. Wow, what a guy. You told me that you found me sexy too, and I've never wanted to pounce anyone so wildly in my life. Got unromantic real quick. Wow.

Changed. I'm not in that relationship anymore, and if there's any chance that I could treat you to romance, Vanessa, I'll gladly take it. Hey, I want to pounce you. Can I treat you to romance? Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Now, this guy, I believe, because he's not a cheater, and that's very cool. Usually you think, though, if someone's going to post something on Craigslist, you cheater.

You know? Deviant begets deviant deviancy begets deviancy there's no more ice deviancy begets deviancy with an open rope high in the above the clouds in a condo here we go all in caps this one good. Let's start the week happy. So it's almost Monday. Let's start the week good. Just looking for my girl to have some fun and compensate. No men, please.

Normal guy here. I mean, do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Normal guy here. Normal guy here. Let me get on fucking Craigslist and see for a girl. There's a girl to fucking come and we'll both bust.

Dude. What does NSA? Good looking Mexican guy. Long Beach. Hi, any ladies hosting in Long Beach for NSA? Good looking Mexican guy, Long Beach. Hi, any ladies hosting in Long Beach for NSA fun? I'm good looking Mexican guy. Do not contact me once I visit your office. NSA, what is that?

National Sibian Association? National Suckin' Association? Spelled it wrong. El elenir where are you maybe eleanor we used to meet at the glendale library when in fucking 1974 who goes to the library anymore oh my what does that translate to we used to meet in the Glendale library. I miss your gorgeous smile. I miss your lungs. Miss your kisses. And then something in Arabic.

Where did you go? Alani? Do not contact me on solicited services or offers. What is this? We're going to translate what he said in Arabic or whatever it is. What is it? Oh, I love you. Cute.

Hey, because the library, but it's cute. He loves her. Wow. Made me feel good. Who knew one of these Craigslist ads make you feel good? Anyway, who buys a Sibian, you know? What guy? They got to be a thousand bucks at least.

What guy's in the market to buy a Sibian? If you have a Sibian, you better have four cameras set up, you know? Damn, dude. Sibians are crazy. I don't understand that. I don't understand it really. We're watching it right now kind of a little bit. We won't put it on our...

We're not going to put it obviously on our YouTube shit. They're $1,200 for a Sibian. You can just do it manually and just fucking get a dildo and just really quickly do it yourself. You do it manually or do you get a Sibian? $1,200 on Amazon. People who bought this also bought four cameras. Oh, fuck.

Any Twitter questions or are we good? Packages. Sibian packages, dude. Wow. What do you get with it? What do you get with it what do you get with it so passion purple sibian package here at sibian.com sibian.com i think so it's 1245 bucks product description zoom it in oh okay so choose one beige classic attachments, different colors of cocks, I guess. Okay.

You get beige, chocolate, classic attachments, it's racist to call them chocolate, or purple. Okay. That's if you want like aliens fucking you. Slickwood Sibian Lube Cube. Okay. Got real cute with the name there.

Slickwood, you know? Lube Cube. Okay. Two sizes sizes red riser with two red sterns stems can't read because it's too small one stool power cord usa and canada only instruction manual step one i mean really step, sit on it. That's it. That's it. Step one, sit on it. Step two, bust a

nut. Power cord, part of the package. Instruction manual, very cool. Five year warranty, part of the package. If you fucking break the dick on your Sibian in the first four years, you can get a new one.

Who made a Sibian? I want to talk to Mr. Sibian. Frank Sibian. Paul Sibian. All right, well, fuck. Look at this, dude. Of course, they have to have a lady instructor. If they had a dude instructor, it would be just way too creepy on the video.

She was just like, you set up the cock on your Sibian and then you fucking sit on it. See ya. Sibian.com. What else would there be? Why is there an instruction video? You fucking put the cock on the thing and then you fucking sit on it. What's the fucking Al Pacino thing where he's like, sit on it. Do you know or no?

There was some Al Pacino line where he's just like, well, you just sit on it. And he fucking. Fuck. You got to sit on it? And he fucking... Fuck. You gonna... You gonna sit on it? I think it's from... I don't know what it's from. Sit on it.

I think it's from Two for the Money with that Matthew McConaughey movie. Because I remember fucking laughing so hard at it. Anyway, whatever. It doesn't matter. All right, cool. Well, that's good. Thanks for listening, everybody. And download the Chris D'Elia app. You get to's good. Thanks for listening, everybody. And download the Crystalia app.

You get to see us live. Goose and all. Last time we did it, and One Fire didn't even record the first fucking 10 minutes, so we had to start over. So there's that on the app. Download the Crystalia app in the App Store and all wherever you get apps. Do that. Support the show by buying merch. You get the store.crystalia.com.

You get the fucking Delia's Grand Slam. You get the fucking wouldn't uh store.crystalia.com you get the fucking dalia's grand slam you get the fucking wouldn't make a dent shirt or hoodie and the baby's hoodie it's just fucking cool to see all you guys out there with the shows if you're coming to a show support that look uh i see you out there with the dent shirts and the babies and all that shit and the dentless 2020 i haven't seen that yet uh they haven't been delivered yet, but they're pre-ordered. I got to get that Dentless 2020. Got to wear that fucking next year when they start fucking getting the new guys in office. Dentless 2020. Subscribe to the YouTube channel.

Rate and review me. It really helps on the iTunes and all that. On iTunes and all that. Video episodes go up a day after the audio podcast. Check me out on H3 Podcast, too. I did that yesterday with those guys. They're the best. You can watch my episode of Comedians of the World.

You can watch my special Man on Fire. You can watch my special Incorrigible on Netflix, or you can look at White Male Black Comic on the Comedy Central app. That's it. You guys are great. St. Louis, I'm coming. It was rescheduled. I don't give a fuck what Theo Vaughn. Louis I'm coming it was rescheduled I don't give a fuck

what Theo Vaughn says I'm going to be there and we're almost sold out that's over 3,000 people just bragging and I'll be there soon Valley Center San Ynez

Albany Hanover Huntington Cleveland Columbus Cincinnati Lexington Albuquerque

for some reason Santa Fe for some reason Phoenix Tucson Greensboro Charlotte Durham Newport News, Oakland, Las Vegas, Nevada. And if you're going to see Brian Callen, Brian to Callen, refund your tickets. You guys are great, my babies.

And keep on grand slamming. See you.