Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 108. He Did It

Episode Date: February 19, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about what's going on with Jussie Smollett. Also discussed: Tekashi 6ix9ine snitching, Burberry, Karl Lagerfeld, Kawhi Leonard's shoes, and annoying people. Plus, we do a Miami version of Missed Connections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. Episode 108, babies. episode 108 babies we are starting now and thank you for uh tuning in it's uh tuesday we started we're doing a podcast on tuesday today because we uh i flew back yesterday from i don't even know where i was i was in spokane uh Did some shows over there and some shows in Seattle.

But we are back now in Los Angeles for a few days before we head on out to, you know, the Toronto-ish area, Hamilton. We go to Windsor. And St. Louis is the rescheduled show that is now sold out. And Kalamazoo, which, why'd you name it that way? But it's all sold out, and everything's great, and we added some shows in Sioux Falls, I think, and Fargo. Why the fuck am I going there, huh?

But I'm going. I don't know. This tour, I was just like, fuck it, I want to go everywhere. And also, I'm in the bag unit, so I'm trying to fucking fill up those bags, you know? When you need somebody to fill up some bags, you call the bag unit. That's what you fucking call fill up some bags, you call the bag unit. That's what you fucking call.

And I'm the leader of the bag unit. So I had some allergies this past weekend. I don't know if it was, I don't think I actually got sick, but I get a lot of sleep. I try to get a lot of sleep. If I miss a night of sleep, I get sick. It's as simple as that.

If I miss a night of sleep, I get sick. I got two hours of sleep, I try to get a lot of sleep. If I miss a night of sleep, I get sick. It's as simple as that. If I miss a night of sleep, I get sick. I got two hours of sleep one night because one of the flights was at 4am or some shit and I got sick. Picture that. Um, and, uh, other stuff goes wrong too. When I miss sleep, man, sleep, I think is the number one thing that you need. Period. It cures all. I lose sleep. I get fucking get fucking i get sick i got a fucking ingrown hair on my neck and that doesn't hurt yes is it pink and shit yeah did i already cut my beard so you can see it extra well yes and is it annoying oh yes it is should i do i wish that i knew that i was getting an ingrown hair before I trimmed my beard? Yes. Did that happen? No. Is it fine? Yeah. Is my life okay?

Yeah. But it's still annoying, babies. Yeah, so we had great shows in Seattle. It was raining. Everyone there should move because the weather is so fucking goddamn horrible. Every time I go to a place like Seattle and it's raining, they're like, you should have been here last week. It was fucking horrible.

And I'm like, ah, it's worse than this? Ah, move. Ah, it's fucking worse than this? Ah, check it out, move. Hey, real quick, move. If I grew up in any one of those areas, I'd fucking, I'd fucking, my whole life to move. Now, Seattle's a great city. It's a great city.

However, always wet. It's a great city. However, it's like thoughts. Always wet. It's a great city. However, it's like thoughts. Always wet. So, yeah, I did my shows there. They were great. The Seattle show sold out. The Spokane show sold out.

Cha-ching, cha-ching in a bag unit. Oh, dude, we got to start playing the fucking. Remember that fucking. You know how you can hum any song um uh except for a rap song what's that fucking song this song this is the bag unit song you can't hum this song try this hum this song Yeah. Bling bling bling bling bling.

Bling bling bling bling bling. Hip hop is the only music you can't hum. Dude, hey, bag unit. Yeah. What are those fucking, what even are those, did they make, create instruments for that song? Bling bling bling bling bling bling. You know what you can't hum either is the fucking any 50 Cent song pretty much you can't hum that.

What's that, 21 Questions? Anyway, dude, Bag Unit. I wish I had my wallet here. I'd flip it open and be like, Bag Unit. We've been trailing you for years. You got no bags. Anyway, I'm having a good time, dude. I'm sick, but that can't fucking set me down.

I'm not sick. I had allergies. What's the difference, really? Dude, when you're mucousy, it fucking sucks, huh? What's the difference, really? Dude, when your mucousy, it fucking sucks, huh? People are just, people just are like wanting to shake your hand. You got to be like, no, I don't want to get you.

I'm just fucking, bam, I got to do that. And then people are like, oh, okay, whoa, you're too cool, huh? Nah, man, I'm trying to help you out, man. How about the fucking 10 cashie plus nine was is now he's not gonna go to jail that's fucking amazing because he's a fucking snitch dude i love these rappers are just like fuck y'all i'm down for my homies i'll kill everybody for my homies i ride for my motherfuckers and then it's like oh yeah but you're going to jail. I'd be like, okay, it was him. You fucking snitch-ass motherfucker. And he's going to go into witness protection program.

Hey, going to get shot immediately. He's got a 6.9 on his forehead. He's got the sawed guy on the tricycle on his cheek. Going to get caught. Going gonna get killed dude hey man you're gonna die hey you've got fucking rainbow teeth plea deal revealed short sentence witness hey, they're gonna fucking kill you immediately, you have a web on your neck. Ah. Dude, what's he gonna dress up in a business suit

and change a 69 to an 88? Still a ham. Hey, cuz, are you fucking Topalashi Senpain no really what's that on your forehead at 88 stupid what is you stupid you got the saw guy on your cheek

no what is that motherfucker that's Telly Savalas I changed it I mean it's always been telly savalas it's the scream mask okay cool hey sapachi fanbine you're gonna fucking get shot immediately just put on the whole saw mask. I mean, dude, how about having another face on your face? Hey, talk about being sad.

Be who you are. Don't put another face on your face. Dude, this guy's going to get shot immediately. He's going to be like this. Yeah, okay, it was signed here. All right, cool. All right, sign it. All right, cool.

All right, cool. So you're free to go, we got to relocate you to Florida, all right, cool, get in the plane, all right, hello, fucking Jason, or whatever his new name is going to be, would you like some peanuts, sure, are you stupid, okay, I'll get some peanuts for you, here you go, and seats back at the table, you know, flying far, please, please, okay, the plane, uh, of course, I'm the plane, you the plane you're stupid uh where's the we got out ah cool florida hey where's the where's the uh baggage oh fuck turns out i was stupid the whole time

Dude. Yo, how did you know it was him? Oh, he had a fucking 88 on his forehead. I mean, dude. Talk about a guy that fucking dug his own grave. Hey, man. You dug. Hey, dude. When you were rapping, instead of doing that, you were digging.

You were digging you were digging downward you were making the whole sick get in it dude instead of rapping and making all those fucking hits that you said you were doing yo i got a fucking hit on i got a hit in spanish on fucking american billboard are you fucking stupid instead of doing that you were actually digging you're actually digging the hole to get in what's wrong man nobody's gonna learn too there's gonna be another fucking rapper that just does the same shit it's kind of it's i guess it's sad at what point is it not sad anymore and then it's just like, you're doing it to yourself.

A lot of guys have had fucked up lives and you still, you make it dude. And you're on the straight and narrow, but this guy, dude, my busy back. Cause in the mid best bands, so gay,

how he says it. My TVs pop up and my back bands. I teach how to stunt. It's crazy how rappers really rap like a fucking, like they're women or like a gay man. Like they go shopping, they talk about diamonds, and then they fucking love things you know ultimate cuda uh but whatever dude me and my friend used to do fucking hip-hop lyrics go up to the top uh and we used to do them like newscasters and we would fucking laugh so hard dude we'd be like my tvs pop up in a may we'd be like my tvs pop up in a maybach ben's i'll teach you how to stun tonight at 11. dude i love how news is like is broccoli bad for

you tonight at 11 and then i want i'll just want it to turn on at 11 in the news, and it'd just be like, we're back. No. Ah, shit, dude. We're back. Remember that thing we asked you in the commercial break? The answer is no. Now, here comes some fucking late night tv that only old people watch ring ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ring um anyway uh well i'm alive on my app on my lap or on my app that's interesting. Just can't believe Reebok did a deal with a psycho.

Tonight at 11. I finna drop that. So I suggest you lay low. Anyway. Yeah, dude. He's going to go to. He's going to. He snitched, dude.

Why wouldn't you snitch? You know know these rappers are all like dude i would never snitch i'll rob for my dog fuck that dude i'm not riding for my dog you know what i'm doing getting out of the car and snitching fuck that dude hey if you shoot somebody and I'm in your gang, I'm getting out of the car and walking over to a cop and snitching. I'm telling him everything plus. Fuck that. Oh, you're in a gang? Yeah, this gang life is real life.

Cool. Guess what's real life? Being out of prison. He did it. He did it. He did it. I'm a point and ask motherfucker if you kill someone. Dude, if you're in my family, you know how Italians are like, nothing's thicker than blood. You know what's thicker than blood?

He did it. Fuck that. I'm not going to jail, bitch ass. He did it. Oh, you'll reduce my sentence? He did it oh you'll reduce my sentence he did it I'm the fuck how do you get bags in prison dude

how do you go to Kalamazoo and get fucking bags if you're in San Quentin he did it fuck that dude who did it the guy with the rainbow hair who did it the guy with the fucking i don't give a fuck who did it i'm telling oh but he might kill your he did it yeah for real dude these these motherfuckers

so weird like being tough is a thing you know like being a tough, being tough is a thing, you know? Like, being tough is a thing. My buddy said he was, oh, and if you're Russian, forget it. My buddy said he was over at a Russian girl's house, and he was trying to, like, hook up with her, and she had a cat, and he was allergic to cats. And he's like, oh, I got to go because you have a cat, and I can't even, like, my eyes are swollen, and I'm, like, sniffling. And she was like, you are weak, huh? And he was like, okay, see ya. But you're a weak man, huh? Yeah, see ya.

I don't want my eyes swollen more than my dick tonight. See ya. You know, dude? Like, what? I'm trying to get hard, I'm trying to get hard, not fucking make it hard not to sneeze. It's a bad joke.

Dude. Somebody tweeted me, oh yeah, be funny, fucking funny boy, on Twitter, just be funny. I'm like, dude, you want to go to a fucking show? You want jokes? Come to a show and pay for it, loser.

Dude. You know? Fucking puff my bag up, bitch. You want jokes? Puff my bag up, bitch. You want jokes? Puff my bag up. Oh, it's too puffy? Got another bag. I'm in the fucking bag unit.

You know? I don't know. But that's crazy, though. Dude seen i'm talking about i was talking about fashion i guess i didn't even know who carl lager is carl lagerfeld lager lagerfeld gonna make up the felt part or is that his real name lockerfeld lockerfeld lagerfeld and um yeah he died i guess he was in fashion i didn't really know i don't know much about fashion but everyone's pretending like they love fashion now because he died and uh then also burberry put a fucking hoodie on walking down somebody was walking down the runway with a

fucking noose around the neck oh hey that not going to work in 2019 Burberry. Huh? Hey man, they were probably, they were probably like, Oh dude, fashion fucking sucks. Dude,

put on a shirt, put on pants, go get a coffee and chill with a friend. Stop dressing like you're in the goddamn 3046. It's so ridiculous, this shit. And I'm talking about, look, I'm a sneakerhead and shit, as I got this shit on right now. I got the fucking

you know, the Jordans and shit. I like fashion, dude. I wear cool hip shit. But relax, dude. If you're not taking the piss, if you're for real wearing the shit and you're walking down some runway, relax, man. Get out of here. It's so stupid, dude. It's really boring actually is what it is. You're not creative. You're just, you're boring.

you're boring you know like you're not you're just like a kid with crayons you just drawn all over and mom's like good that's what it is that's what you are if you set up one of those runway motherfucking shows and everyone's just walking around with like some vest with one sleeve on it and your dick's all out and you've got just pants on from the knees down, you just, and everyone's like, yay, good, everyone's your fucking kid,

you're a fucking mom is what you are, you're a proud mom, you're a proud mom, and you are the baby, you're the kid, that's what you are, yay, you're not doing anything man,

it's boring as fuck, it's just like and and burberry put the noose around the neck and they were like i guess they didn't think or whatever or they did think they were like we're gonna make a statement about it or whatever dude you're fucking boring dude you're a fucking boring company that can't make fucking or that is nervous about not making dope shit anymore so you're trying to get a reaction you're boring as fuck dude i mean dude and then the and then the person who spoke out about it some model spoke out about it and she was like i can't believe that burberry did this you were in the fucking show she's blaming the company and she was like i can't believe that burberry did this you were in the fucking show she's blaming the company and she walked in the show hey you culpable what dude what you were in the show

stop complaining it's not their fault it's your fault a model you're in the show dude and then everyone's like wow wow, coming to her defense. Oh, man, thank God for speaking up. You were in the show. What? That's like being in the show taxi and then being mad at the fucking taxis. Ah, you did it. You're in the show.

He did it. You're in the show. He did it. Dude. What are you talking about? Everyone just wants to complain. That's how you know. You were in the show. You walked in the show. And now you're on social media trying to get attention about how the show

was irresponsible. Guess whose fault that was? Yours. Gunk. Now I just slammed you. Now take a walk into Denny's with me. Here's an all-American Grand Slam. Here's an all-American Grand Slam. Bags. Yeah, I'm losing my mind. Whatever. Whatever. Everyone's... As much as annoying it is that Burberry made the fucking thing around with the news,

and of course it was stupid, the people who are trying to bury Burberry for that they're just as fucking annoying if fashion is fashion and you're supposed to break boundaries and you're supposed to do what you're going to do and you're supposed to fucking do whatever you want to do and there's no rules then that's what fashion is and if they put a fucking noose around the neck then uh-oh you're gonna fucking now play victim and be mad about it? Then who makes the fucking rules, asshole? Do I think it was stupid?

Yeah, I do. Am I on social media talking about, hey, don't buy Burberry now? No. Buy Burberry if you want to fucking buy Burberry. Who gives a shit? Are they making suicide fashionable? Yes. Is that bad?

Yeah, it's bad. It's not cool to kill yourself, obviously. Or maybe it's not obvious, but I'm fucking telling you. Yeah, dude, it's so... The world we live in. Brr, brr, brr. Brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown? Have you seen them? On fire? Oh, my. Dude, they literally are marketing boring. It's so crazy how he was nobody.

I mean, he was making a lot of money, but he wasn't a star until that laugh. Until, and then everyone's like, who's this guy? And now he made a shoe that's ass-so-boring, and it just says Kawhi Leonard on it. Like, there's no even, like, insignia or cool shit. That's the shit. Kawhi Leonard is the shit because he made a boring shoe, and he's marketing boredom.

Regular. He's regular, dude. Wow. Kawhi Leonard is fucking so regular it's unbelievable hey man you did it you you fucking marketed regular it's just crazy dude i gotta get those shoes. It just says Kawhi on one foot and then Leonard on the other.

And then it's boring. And it's New Balance. Dude, I don't know how that guy... He's like a genius more than we are. He fucking is on another level. He's just like, see that's what it is. Guys who just are who they are, that's fucking dope. And then you got these fashion motherfuckers that are just trying so hard

to be a fucking to be talked about. It's just like and you got a motherfucker like Kawhi Leonard that just and then makes the most boring ass shoe for New Balance. I'm telling you, dude, that guy's a hero in this fucking time of need. And he's going to get fucking bags.

Jesus Christ. Burberry apologizes for featuring a hoodie with I don't know man but uh that's fucking crazy that he made those shoes you gotta look at these shoes uh anyway uh

alright we're gonna do ads here wait wait wait Alright, we're going to do ads here. Wait. Wait. Dude, if I was at Thanksgiving and he was fucking laughing like that, I would just be like, hey man, no.

You're not fucking laughing like that anymore. Do a regular laugh. Go out. Go outside. Get a fucking regular laugh. What happened to ha ha ha? What's this wah wah wah shit you're a baby crying um i don't know he's probably a cool dude though there's fucking i got you know what i'm here's something i'm fucking uh

happy about with me i talk about bullshit a lot i i have annoying there are i wonder if you guys like this too because i was thinking about this about myself i have like people that thoroughly annoy the shit out of me that I fucking like a lot. I always find that to be something where I'm like, like I got some friends that like are annoying as fuck to be around, but I still really like them. Is that, does that count? Does that count babies? Do you know what I mean? Do I like the guy?

Can you like somebody that you're fucking completely annoyed with all the time? Or is that, what do they say, mutually exclusive or not mutually exclusive? I don't even know which one means what. But can you like somebody that you're annoyed with most of the time? I guess you can, right? Or is that love? Maybe I just love him. You know, like if your brother

annoys the shit out of you all the time, maybe you love him if you fucking still are around him. But maybe you like him. I don't know. I haven't really thought this through, but that's what this podcast is, just, you know, sharing ideas

and getting sucked and fucked. But I just don't know. I was thinking about this one guy in particular. He was writing me, asking me all sorts of questions that were so fucking super annoying. And it's like, I'm a busy man, you know? Even though I have lots of time to myself because sometimes I'm on planes,

I don't fucking do it. I don't want to answer you, but I do. Maybe, you know, Bobby lee's a little like that like he's he doesn't text me back and annoys the fuck out of me and i like him but that's different i'm talking about person who like like bobby lee doesn't make me roll my eyes people that are just fucking in your face and trying to be fucking funny and like oh man but you like him is that what i'm like fuck maybe i added some new dates um and i think the merch is restocked too you got that dentless 2020 shit um did i get new dates i got, what do you call on, on, on, um, I got pre-sale or some shit.

Oh my God. Edmonton, Fargo, Victoria, BC. There we go. Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Why am I going there? Des Moines, Iowa. But these are all places that we're going, babies. And I'm going to go and I'm going to bring the fucking Follow the Leader tour there because I'm going to be performing there and I like doing it. So, what else are we talking about here? What else happened this

week? I just have to go to fucking Toronto, and area next week, Hamilton or whatever, it's just so cold man, I'm sick and tired of this cold, it's even cold in LA dude, it's like raining and shit,

you see all these fucking landslides, all this down the hill, like mud, You see all these fucking landslides, all this down the hill mud just trying to drive over the shit, drive over rocks and shit. Dude, it's crazy what happens to LA when it rains a lot. It's like the city was just not built for it. But who wants to go outside anyway? I don't know. But you want to do, let's do this right now.

Let's do either misconnect. Let's do Twitter. Do we have Twitter questions? No? You want to do misconnections? And then this way, we'll do misconnections. And then we're going to do it a little bit differently, though. So we're going to do a little bit earlier.

And we're also doing the fucking miami the miami uh edition because we thought why not do miami edition because miami is fucking insane do you know i'm talking about miami is the most insane fucking place in the world maybe maybe maybe uh so we're going to Miami to do the Miss Connections here. Let's pull some up. Here we go. Miami, Miss Connection. Where are all... Here's the subject.

Here's the subject. Where are all the Nuru massage girls? Now, I don't know what Nuru is, but I'm gonna fucking what is new row do I have to look this up or am I gonna not even like it one fire put up something I don't even know what it is pull it up oh is that with the oil oh yeah did the whole body massage with the but isn't that just regular massage or is it sexual oh it's very sexual oh they're up okay and very sexual you know why because the first thing that came up

wasn't youtube it was wet lubricant tube hey man i mean so copying youtube i, everything is tube. New room massage, dude. Where you just get a regular massage with so much oil, just so gross. And then you get fucking stroked. Man, I bet that feels fucking crazy amazing, dude. I bet your whole body is just like, ugh. I bet you're fucking just rubbing all over, just like, oh, God. I bet, dude, if I got a new room massage, I would for sure shit. And I would just be like, I'm sorry.

And they'd be like, it's okay. It's a new room massage. It happens a lot. Anyway, the body of this is such a shame. These girls have nowhere to post anymore, but I am here and need your service. What do you mean? Go to fucking wetlubricanttube.com. Wetlubricanttube.com wet lubricant dude dot tube.com oh man that's what i think terkashi sam fine is going to be right now a new new room massage girl just like this new room

massaging and they're like yo will you do my penis and he's like of course i am what the fuck is you uh here we go saw you at walgreens miami dude it's always so weird to me that like even though like miami is miami there's still walgreens and shit you know like in like vegas when you go to like poppin ass places that there's still like a fucking one hour photo there you know also how are one hour photo places still in business everyone has a fucking photo development center in their goddamn phone ah um that's for sure if you if there's a one hour photo place in uh in la it's for sure a front for like Russian selling cocaine. Saw you at Walgreens, Miami.

Long shot, as many here said, but worth trying for sure. Saw you at the store. You were waiting to pick up your prescription. Spoke with you briefly outside and regretting not taking your number. If you see this, let me know what car you are driving and what you were wearing that day. So creepy. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers i mean asking so much information you know maybe he's just trying

to get make sure it's her i guess to prove it like somebody would just see this thing and then just be like oh dude that guy sounds hot he was at walgreens hey it was. Let's fucking do a neuro massage. Why do they use so much oil, dude? What a waste. It's a wasting. Man, I... I... What are you doing at Walgreens in Miami? Dude, go to Miami and only party, okay?

Get your shit first. Then go to Miami. Maybe he got sick, though, and he shit first, then go to Miami. Maybe he got sick, though, and he was going to get some fucking medication. Dude, Miami is insane. When I

go to Miami, I'm always like already... It's like Vegas, dude. When you go there, you're like, okay, I gotta leave. You get there, you step outside, 7,000 degrees you're like, okay, I gotta leave. You get there, you step outside, 7,000 degrees in the summer, okay, I gotta leave. All muscular guys that are wider than they are tall, okay, I gotta leave. They all look like that fucking, I'm such a fucking hoe, I love it, in that video. You're such a, so old guy, I'm such a so old guy i'm such a fucking hoe i said so old white guy you're such a fucking hoe

i love it this here's another one of miami hairy young guy downtown so vague but so specific at the same time you were a young and very hairy guy oh this guy's not writing any books huh you were a young and very hairy guy legs etc uh you know i like how he's so specific but then also still ends it with etc like the vaguest way you could end something you were a young and very hairy guy legs etcs, etc. Oh, you mean like shoulders, arms, fucking everything? Okay, cool. We used to hook up

all the time. I would pick you up from college. Would love to connect or looking for someone similar. M for M. Do not contact me on solicitor services or offers. Dude, why do these guys not have anybody's number? That's the weirdest part to me. Do you delete numbers i just probably have every number i've ever had in my life somewhere i don't know that's why you know

when somebody's like oh yeah don't have your fucking number anymore i got a new phone that's such bullshit now what is this fucking 1999 you deleted the number because you fucking hate me it's okay but it happened That's bullshit. Now, what is this fucking 1999? You deleted the number because you fucking hate me. It's okay. But it happened. Yeah, man. Also, this is a good one from Miami here. Because you know, I haven't read this one yet.

But you know, it's like lead with it. This is the subject. Looking to rent a boat for two hours. Hey, man, it's definitely going to turn sexual, so lead with that. Okay? All right. Hello, whoever reads this. I'm looking to rent a small paddle boat. Not the one with the wheel, but the one you have to paddle with a large stick.

You know what I mean. Nothing fancy, just big enough for two people. Looking to take my wife on a nice romantic dinner. Is this guy talking about a cock? Just say or. Romantic dinner on Valentine's while the boat just sails calmly and we hopefully don't die. Huh? If you have inflatable jackets, that'd be great also we hopefully don't die. Huh? If you have inflatable jackets, that'd be great also because I don't know how to swim. What the fuck? We're both very polite and educated people who will take care of your boat. Uh, this is the most sideways way to talk about sex. We just haven't gotten on a damn boat since we've been here in Miami.

Okay, man, we don't know how long you've been there. Be a pal and rent us your boat. If you can't trust us with your boat, you can't stare at us from afar. What, dude? Why rent us your boat? Because we're not rich enough to buy a boat yet. I love my wife and want to surprise her. Dinner will be as cliche as you can imagine it.

Okay, thank you. Only serious inquiries only. Because everyone adds that at the end of this Craigslist post. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. What the fuck is this guy talking about? A boat? Or is he talking about fucking busting a nut? Yeah, it's on Miss Connections.

Hey, dude, got a boat? Dude, this is the weirdest shit. Also, just two hours, you know? Hello to whoever reads this. Post it on fucking boatswanted.com, you know? Post it on lubricantube.com. But what the fuck? Why is it on Miss Connections?

Wow, man, people are so fucking weird. I can't stand when people write anything that begins with, hey, you probably won't see this, but hey, nobody will see this, I'm sure. Hey, maybe nobody will see this, but fucking so insecure. Plus, you never have to write that because the people who don't see it aren't going to see that. The people who are reading it, that is a moot point too. So you never have to say that. That's like saying, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, flally poot, la, la. Just fucking write what you're going to write.

Dude, I get DMs and fucking 5% of them is, you'll probably never see this, but. And if I see that in the header, I never click in it. So you fucked yourself, man. There's rules. Don't start a shit like that. That's so insecure to start a message like, hey, you're probably not going to see this, but. Bro, you mad

or not? The fuck's going on? Do you matter or not? I hate to use the words of Sampanchi Fakheim, but the fuck is you, stupid? Why is there a face in my nose? Oh! I don't know.

I'm loopy today. What was that? Idiot. One fire. One fire fucking tried to FaceTime me during the show. Ah, he's saying nah, nah, but we know how it goes, goes dude I ain't got no motherfucking that's why I fucked your bitch you fat motherfucker

you trying to fucking facetime me you trying to fucking facetime me in the middle of my own show yeah dude we used to make a joke about how cause my uncle Richard laughs like this me and my uncle always me and my brother always talk about that and Tupac laughs like this.

So we used to see that. We always used to see that. Uh, my uncle Richard, we also used to say that he laughs like Tupac, which is so fucking dumb. It was also such a stretch. And now he'll text me about that.

So that's cool, man. Good. Yay. Yay. Um, one time, uh,

I'm not going to say who it is in my family, but there was a, a party for a kid and for one of the kids in our family. And he came out once. Dude, I can't believe this. This is so weird that this actually happened, but this really did actually happen. The kid came out. He was playing with the other kids, and his hair was all messed up. And one of the adults in our family, I think, I don't know if he was actually in our family or like extended family

or what he looked at his hair and in front of so many adults he said what'd you get raped ah he's 12 what'd you get raped ah i mean we were there my jaw dropped I was fucking 20 imagine you say that to a kid kid's like what's rape huh my brother and I fucking always and for some reason over time it turned from

because the guy kind of sounded like this that's how the adult sounded and when he said it he said what'd you get raped and we changed it to what'd you get raped and we changed it to what'd you get raped and then we kept going and we'll always fucking voice text what'd you get raped dude how dumb is our how dumb our families the trajectory of what'd you get raped to is so dumb dude fuck yeah i love families man you think i give yeah. I love families, man. You think I give a fuck? I love families,

man. Dude, families are the shit. Hey, my mom is Al Pacino, dude. Remember when I said that last time? Because Al Pacino gets so much like Al Pacino as he gets older and older. He just gets more and is Al Pacino, dude. Remember when I said that last time? Because Al Pacino gets so much like Al Pacino as he gets older and older. He just gets more and more Al Pacino.

My mom gets more and more my mom. And your mom gets more and more your mom. If somebody doesn't watch out, the older you get, the more like you you get. And somebody fucking made a meme of my mom and how I put her face on Al Pacino and tagged my mom in it. You think my fucking mom wants to see that shit? Don't tag my mom in the fucking meme. my fucking mom wants to see that shit? Don't tag my mom in the fucking meme.

I'm trying out here getting bags and I got to deal with some collateral damage, dude. I'm going to fucking put my mom's face on Al Pacino. Now she's got to be like, why is my face on Al Pacino, bro? The fuck? Come on. Think about it. What are you, Burberry?

Fuck out of here. What are you doing, dude? God. God. Like Napoleon Dynamite. Movie's funny. What's up with Jussie Smollett? And by that, the only thing I'm talking about is,

why is his name not Jesse? That's like that Palt shit. You change one letter in the shit, he's a handsome ass motherfucker, but he shaves his mustache and leaves his beard like he's fucking Abe Lincoln. No. Hey man, are you the 16th president?

No? Grow your stash out or shave the beard too. Hey, Jussie, what the fuck are you doing? Why'd you fucking hire two guys from Mad Cobra to come beat you up? Those guys are the most muscly guys of all time, dude. those guys are the most muscly guys of all time, dude. This guy lied about the shit? Hired two guys? First of all, paid him $3,500 each? Too much.

I bet the guys would have done it for free. They would have been like, oh, you're the fucking famous guy. Cool, yeah, let's do it. They rehearsed it. Oh, it's not a fucking musical. Just go out there and beat them up pretend dude such a wacko fucking thing to do jesse um cross hey what's your name my name's cross d'alia beat me up here's 3500 guys from madobra dude those guys look so much like they fucking are huge huge reggae stars the people the two guys who beat up Jussie Smollett look so much like fucking

huge reggae stars flex time to have a sex got paid $3,500 to beat up Jussie flex time to have a sex, ah Got paid thirty-five hundred dollars to beat up Jussie Flex, ah, time to have a sex, ah Made us rehearse it one time and do for real Flex, ah, time to have a sex, ah Jussie Smollett let us beat him up We took the money, ah Then we got caught, ah Then we told the fucking cops we don't care.

We're in over our heads. We snitch immediately. We look the same. Flex. We're so muscular. Why did they pick us? We're so identifiable. Flex.

They said we had mega hats on, but we're two black guys. Why would we do that? Flex. Why would we call him the N-WORD IF WE ARE BOTH BLACK FLEX THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE I MEAN DUDE THE WHOLE THING

MAKES NO SENSE THE PICTURE OF THEM AT RUNYON CANYON THAT THEY USED FROM TMZ WITH PUKA SHELVES ON AND AN OPEN HOODIE HOLDING FUCKING EACH OTHER sense the picture of them at runyon canyon that they use from tmz with puka shells on and an open hoodie holding fucking each other like they're literally took the picture of why are you talking about huh yeah yeah did you guys beat up jesse smollett why are you talking about yeah it's Yeah, oh no, he paid us. Flex. Time to have a sex. Can we finish the hike right now? This is easy.

We do it with weights on because we're so fucking muscular. Flex. We go up Runyon Canyon. This shit's easier than going down the aisles in Target. Flex. Our boobies are D-cups, our abs are D-cups too, they pop out,

dude, I mean, the guys, I can't believe this whole fucking mess, look at the guys he picked, we do the steam room, ah, I mean, dude, we're the guys he picked pick white guys you

fucking idiot pick asians pick fucking armadillos you picked black guys and you said that they were yelling out Trump nation. No, they weren't. Jussie dude, dude, it's just unbelievable how fucking stupid this shit is. Shit is if it's for real. I mean, I just can't

believe it. Would have done it for a G, too. Negotiate better. We know you got money because you're on a hit. Dude, I want to step backwards for all the victims. Fuck. This is why you can't believe everybody. People are like,

why would you fucking make it up? Why would people make it up? Motherfucking Jussie Smollett, dude. That's why. Because there's fucking, are you saying there aren't insane people out there? That's what you're saying? Oh, believe the victims. Oh, so you're saying there's not insane people out there that's what you're saying

why wouldn't you make shit up this fucking guy for what this guy's never gonna work again it doesn't even matter wow cardi b said he feel like he fucked, I feel like he fucked up Black History Month, bro. Goddamn. Yeah, no shit, dude. No fucking, what a, what a, what a

dick. I mean, the guys he picked, it's so funny, the guys he picked. The guys don't have a care in the world. Yeah, we do it for $3,500. Yeah. And the cops were like, did you do it? And they were like, yeah.

I mean, they probably don't. They're probably not Jamaican. They look fucking Jamaican, though. They look like they're just funnier for some reason. Weren't they extras in this show, too? Like, what are you doing, outsource it wow here's ola osundario man tied to jesse smollett case on empire wow dude just wow i need to hire some guys to do some shit to me. Not like beat me up, because that would be

too much, but maybe like vandalize the comedy club when I'm there. And I'll be like, I was a victim. And I paid them $210 each. Dude, I just can't believe that also news outlets are like, and they say they aren't racist,

so why would they scream out the N-word to him? What? Dude, everywhere I read, that's what they're saying. And they're not addressing the fact that these guys are not racist and it wasn't a racially charged crime because they were the same race. What? How are you saying what what like oh they're not they say they're not racist though no what yeah okay they're black he's black huh wow dude Wow, dude.

I don't know, man, but it's like... I can't wait till more shit comes out about it. Empire. I haven't even seen that show. Isn't that the one with the Hustle and Flow guy? What's that guy's name? Terrence Howard. He came up to me once at the comedy store, and he was like, hey, man, after my show,

this is kind of a brag, just so you know. He was like, hey, man, I just got to tell you, I came to see you last week at the comedy store, and I came tonight again because I wanted to tell you, I came to see you last week at the comedy store and I came tonight again because I wanted to tell you that I was going to do Oprah and I was a little like unsure about what I was going to say and because it's a big audience and all that. And I saw you do stand up and that shit made me think, think, you gave me the confidence to go out there and just do that shit. And then I went out there and did it.

So I just wanted to tell you that. And I was like, wow, thanks. That means a lot coming from you, you know? I mean, he's a fucking real talented actor. And he was like, yeah, I just wanted to let you know that. I was like, damn. That fucking made me feel good. I didn't see his Oprah thing, but he was happy with it.

So, hey, glad to help out. I bet that guy is... I bet Terrence Howard is so good in bed. I bet he's so fucking good in bed. I bet if all the chips fell, if there was a fuck contest, that in the world, and fuck contest that in the world, and I'm talking in the world, you know, like there would probably be some like Italian guy from like Toscana that's from a vineyard, you know know that like would come in number one and then probably some

buddy from like that lives in in an igloo in like alaska or in antarctica fucking is like two probably two three and two and three are like because that's all because they're so cold that they're just always fucking or ice fishing anyway they're like after they've done ice fishing they're like okay gotta fuck you know then there's gotta be like for sure somebody from the dominican republic that is just number four that just kills it because they never stop dancing and they just like they like they like use that for their sex moves and and women are just like i don't know how he does it and he's just like it's just because of the way i move i take it from the dance floor to the thing and then number five is terrence howard and you can tell because of the way he acts that's how good of an actor he is and he

just uses his acting while he's like thrusting and i guarantee it's so sexy because he has sex like he's not even doing it. Like he's just like. Like that's how he has sex. And the girl's just like, oh, my God, it's weird, but I'm so into it. And he's just never had sex without a shirt on. And he's just. And then right before he busts and that, he says, what are we doing after this,

and the girl's just like, oh my god, that was the sexiest thing ever, and his pants, and he just pulls up his pants, because they're already around his ankles, he's never gotten naked and fucked, ever, he's had a ball, often he's wearing a blazer, like two layers, like he's got the shirt on, and then a blazer, or some shit. And he's just, and, and he's got earrings and like a watch. Like he just straight up wears all the shit when he fucks and it's, and he's number five. And if there was a fuck off,

he'd be number five and number six would be a woman. And cause the top five fuckers are guys. I'm sure because they have to be, cause women don't have to be, women can just lay there because they're beautiful, but guys got to do it. So I'm counting women in this. Men and women in the world, if there was a fuck off, Terrence Howard comes in fifth. It goes like this.

An Italian guy that comes from Tuscany from a vineyard, then two Eskimos, then somebody from the Dominican Republic that dances all the time, and then Terrence Howard. Top five fuckers. Swear to God. Then six is a woman. We'll do one more. We'll do one more. Oh, and then maybe seven and eight are the fucking guys that robbed Jesse Smollett, but you have to pay them.

Married. This is another one here we go uh in um in uh uh misconnection married man cuban oh wow this is like a fuck this is this one's done like a what do you call it one of those haikus hi next line mike next line married man hi mike married man. Hi, Mike, married man, looking to chat within, oh, man, I love how there's always so many typos. Hi, Mike, married man, looking to chat with a discreet person, looking for a good park in Kendall. No drama, no games. Cuban looking for friends. Let's talk.

Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Dude, why is this written in haiku form, dude? So weird. Married man, dude? So weird. Married man, Cuban. So Miami. So Miami. Wow. Well, dude, let's wrap this up, man. That was a fun one.

That was a fun one. Hey, dog, stop barking. My My dogs bark so much, I'm mad Cool Alright, so Thank you, you guys are the best We love you babies Support the show by buying merch At store.crystallia.com

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