Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 110. Oh Dark Thirty

Episode Date: March 5, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about college. Also discussed: NBA Jam, cinnamon bagels, Porndemic, the momo challenge, Ben Bailey, and a story about Mike Lenoci at the airport. Plus, we do a Fresno edition of Missed Connections and it gets real silly. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Make your nights unforgettable with American Express. Unmissable show coming up? Good news. We've got access to pre-sale tickets so you don't miss it. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance.

Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. What's up, guys? Hi, it's Chris D'Elia here with the Congratulations Podcast. And we are back in L.A. Was I in L.A.? I was actually in L.A.

I was in Ohio. Let me go over some, before we even do this, though, let me go over some dates here. Because I heard doing this in the beginning of the podcast is a good thing to do. So I'm going to do this in the beginning of the podcast, okay? We've got some dates coming up. We've got Cincinnati. Oh, wait, that's sold out. Sorry.

Shouldn't have done that one. Phoenix, Arizona. We got Newport News. We're coming to Sioux Falls. We're coming to Des Moines. We're coming to Fargo. We're coming to Edmonton. And Chicago. So these are some dates that i'm i'm headed towards uh and when i say we i mean me

okay because that's what i mean because i'm me and it's just a singular thing comedy stand up is a singular thing so edmonton get your tickets uh phoenix get your tickets. ChrisDelia.com. Man, I just got back. Well, I was in – so here's what happened. So I was in – where was I? I was in – I was somewhere in St. Louis. Flew back Monday. This was last week. I already talked about this, but flew back last week.

And then when I flew back, I was sitting down to do the podcast. This is last podcast. And I got a call that was like, yeah, you know, you're going to Ohio on Thursday. And I didn't know I was going to Ohio on Thursday because it was a fucking, what do you call it? A college gig. And it's not on my website. college gig and it's not on my website and usually if it's not on my website that's how i go i look at my own website to know where i've been you understand me i go to my own website to know where i'm going all right now i just put on

my fucking sunglasses because i'm future's too bright all right and it got a little bit i don't want to get i don't want to squint on my podcast because it's unprofessional. And if I'm looking forward to my future, I start squinting. And that's all I see is my future, all right? Because the past, that's behind us. Now, even though I'm talking about the past right now and I'm letting you know that I was in St. Louis. I came back and found out that I had to go to Chicago. I had to go to Ohio on Thursday. Now, when you find out you have to go to Ohio on Thursday,

you almost break down and cry, period. Doesn't matter who you are. If you are somebody and you're not in Ohio and you find out you have to go to Ohio on Thursday, you're closer to crying. You're closer to breaking down and crying, especially if it's in the cold months. So I didn't know I had to go. So this was on Tuesday. I found this out because I was doing the podcast on a Tuesday, and I found out I had to leave in two days. Almost broke down and crying because I'm overworked, my babies.

However, does it matter? Yes. You thought I was going to say no because I said however however but i like to use however and then still confirm what the fuck i was about to say what what the fuck i had just said so i almost had to cancel and i was thinking about the culture you know i was thinking about the bitch-ass culture where everybody's so sensitive about everything. And I was like, I could cancel under duress. I could cancel under, I could take a mental health day, as they say. But I did my podcast.

Of course, I didn't do it right away. I walked around the house a little bit and thought about crying because I'm a human. And sometimes things get to you. And thought about crying. Because I'm a human. And sometimes things get to you. But I fucking did my podcast. Bucked up.

And then sat down. And thought about it. And thought I'm going to go. Because it's a college gig. And I went. And I did. And it was called Miami. To make it even worse.

To rub it in. It was called Miami. It was Miami and Ohio. And I was like. Oh fucking. I'm going to go to Ohio. When it's freezing out. And you're going to call it Miami. And just rub it in. And be like. Yo you're not going to go to Ohio when it's freezing out and you're going to call it Miami and just rub it in and be like

you're not going to be you're not going to be fucking warm as shit but you are going to be thinking about how it is warm because you're going to have to keep saying I'm going to Miami so I did this gig it was snowing now was it snowing? yes, is it because it was Chicago,

or a fucking, I keep saying Chicago, I don't know why, I'm pissed that I'm doing it, babies, but it was because I was in Ohio, and it was fucking on the Thursday, it always snows on Ohio on Thursdays, doesn't matter if it's man, I don't give a fuck, if you're in Ohio on a Thursday, guess what, it's snowing, so I went there, it was snowing, went to went to Chipotle was the only place that I that was close to where my hotel was now all the students were there now did they all ask for pics yes was it okay it was fine I was trying to fucking keep a smile even though I was so dead dog tired took pictures with everybody went back to my hotel room did the show and let me tell you something man there's this whole thing about how comedians don't want to play colleges and shit like that uh and i don't understand it

people say oh colleges are are okay maybe if you're playing like berkeley or some fucking you know real liberal like known college but dude most colleges out there they fucking rip dude i was like i'm going strictly for the bags as head of the bags unit but i went those students were university of Miami and Ohio. Yeah, University of Miami and Ohio. So confusing. But I went and that shit ripped, dude. Those students were awesome.

I told them, I was like, people don't want to play. Comedians don't want to play. And I was like, fuck them. Can't wait. Can't wait. Drag me, babies. Drag me. I'm ready. But't wait. Drag me, babies. Drag me. I'm ready.

But we had a good time, dude. I loved performing there, man. I loved performing there. And we fucking extra paper scooped that up. And we came back. They gave me a Miami hoodie. and it was beautiful, man. Took it, wore it the next day, went to the gym and the fucking guy, the, the guy at the counter was like, uh, Miami, I wish I was there. And I was like, you don't wish you were at this Miami, man.

It's snowing. It's in Ohio. And then he said oh you're so funny thought i was making up but hey bro there's a miami in ohio um so shout out to colleges bro i'll i'll do you i'll go out there and do you i thought it was just for bags but you guys are beautiful and you guys are the fuge. That's why I got the fucking SGs on, my babies. Because you're the fuge. Colleges, you're the fuge? Oh, shit, man.

Loving them colleges. You know why? You're the fuge. You're going to grow up and be fucking craggly one day, but right now, you're the fuge. You're not craggly for another few decades um you'll get craggly you'll get craggly you get craggly my babies anyway craggly what the fuck is that word? So anyway. Shout out to Beats for sending us some fucking headphones for the studio.

Jesus Christ, how many ears do we got out here? Dude, they keep fucking sending Beats headphones like we got extra ears, dude. Everyone's only got two, but these motherfuckers are just like, in case you got some extra ears, here you go. Fuck that, dude. Everyone's only got two, but these motherfuckers are just... In case you got some extra ears, here you go. Fuck that, man. We need to get some more ears. So, yeah. What about how fucking... You know what, dude?

I got a gray shirt on, and you know I sweat in gray shirts. Who the fuck ever thought of gray shirts, by the way, sweat so dude if i was alive when they created gray shirts i'd be like you can't dude you're gonna sweat all day long it's black or white or some neon color but dude gray if you wear a gray shirt and you start sweating you immediately look fat doesn't matter who the fuck you are dude you could be a skinny string bean if you're sweating in a gray shirt you look fat dude you got a belly all of a sudden you look gross as shit you're gross as fuck if you wear a gray shirt but i'm doing it i'm doing it because whatever dude as a dude you got to learn how to be. As a dude, you got to learn how to be sexy regardless.

As a dude, you got to learn how to be sexy regardless. That's your fucking hole. When you're wearing a gray shirt as a dude, you're basically a chick not wearing makeup. That's what you are. We are like, no makeup. Fuck it. We don't need to wear makeup to be beautiful. That's a dude wearing a gray shirt.

I don't need to wear makeup to be beautiful. That's a dude wearing a gray shirt. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, it looks like I got a belly because I got sweat in the middle of my fucking titties and abdomen. And I got that little splot sweat that sometimes looks like an X. It doesn't matter. I'm beautiful anyway. Yeah. Oh, this isn't on, dude. Well, I'm fire um so yeah uh i love playing them colleges dude i'll probably stop at some point though oh no it's on uh because you know but extra

extra spaper coop stat up you. You know how we do it. Dude, just let me say this. Shout out to all you guys who listen week after week. I fucking love you guys. You guys are the best. You really are. Thanks for listening. Thanks for keeping this fucking shit.

Because we need to make this log cabin, man. So I got this table. Dude, we keep stepping it the fuck up dude we keep leveling up you know why bags we keep getting them why not get a table dude why not why get a table i'll tell you why get a table first of all i look like a paraplegic in that fucking thing every time you saw a past episode my legs were way too close together to be feeling them my legs were way too close together to be feeling them because of the chair the way the armrest is they fucking keep the legs close like there's some fucking gay lovers and that's fine dude because that's how it is and i'm not changing i'm not going to just

change because all of a sudden i look like i can't feel my fucking you know what i'm talking about so what did i do i got a table to block it i just add i don't i don't take away i add so now also dude you could see my fucking cock straight up in previous episodes like just i wear skinny jeans because that's what's in and you know you know i have to keep what's in with fashion what am i going to do Just all of a sudden not adapt? I just said I'm not going to adapt. But dude, anyway, I got skinny jeans on and you can straight up see my bulge, dude. And I don't need people seeing my bulges. I don't need people seeing my fucking cock through my pleated jeans.

So I got a table. And I got a place to put my fucking iced Americano. So yeah. So we got a table so you can't see my fucking cock anymore. And you can't see how I look like a paraplegic. But it's all good. So now. Whenever I get to colleges though when i was in college i was in college for a fucking eight eight months okay now i went to nyu because i knew i was gonna hate college i was like

maybe at least maybe let me go on this in the city and fucking chill out let me at least go out to the city this way if i want to to, I could pop into a fucking Starbucks. You know what I'm talking about? And not be on campus and just be with the people. Because I'm a man of the people, my babies. So I fucking went to NYU. Had to get the fuck out because I dislike college. And also I wanted to be a stand-up comedian, you know?

Don't need to go to college to be a stand-up comedian you know don't need to go to college to be a stand-up man so i um i went i i dropped out and then i and then i went to and then i went to started writing scripts and shit uh and living life and i would write every day for hours and hours and hours scripts and i sold one uh and then nothing happened with it but that was my life for a while and now i do stand up and i've been doing it for years and all throughout that time whenever i would go on a college campus i would be sad as shit now every time still when i go back to a college campus for some reason i'm sad as shit I feel so lonely when I go to colleges because I guess it triggers what I used to feel like when I was in college dude I used to fucking go and I was in college dude I hated college man I hated it anytime some everybody's doing something it really takes some convincing for me to like

it. And that's a shortcoming I have, but everyone was in college, therefore, hated it. So I went to I was in college and I would, one day I was like, what would happen if I just stopped going to class? And I did!

I just was like, wait a minute, if I if i don't go dude i have such a fucked up i have such a fucked up what's gonna happen thing with me like like i'm like if i if i don't go to class what's gonna happen guess? Guess what? Nothing. Now, granted, if you keep letting these things happen, they could pile up. But in the immediate future, I'll always like, first of all, what's going to happen?

Second of all, eventually, I'm going to figure it out. Okay? What's going to happen? What's going to happen? Whatever's going to happen is going to happen. Then, I'm going to figure it out. Do you understand what I'm saying? Don't go to class. What's going to happen what's going to happen whatever's going to happen is going to happen then i'm going to figure it out you understand what i'm saying go don't go to class what's going to happen okay whatever happens happens then you figure it out then you don't want to go to class don't go to fucking class live your life the way you want to i understand i understand we got responsibilities

and shit and i was probably a little more privileged than most but whatever you'll still figure it out because you know why? You have to. You have to. So I would go to college. I would go to my classes. Then I stopped going because I hated it, dude. Hated it. Made me feel fucking bad inside me right so would sleep all day because i was in i would sleep

all day be awake all night because i was depressed legit um i would work out and i met working out i met a comedian uh late at night late at night he would work out too and he was like i'm a comedian i don't know if you know and i was like oh i didn't. And he was like, I'm a comedian. I don't know if you know. And I was like, oh, I didn't know. And he was like, I was like, I want to do standup. And he was like, oh, really? And he was a fitness trainer too at, what was it called? World Gym.

It's not there anymore. Or it's a different gym. It's not World's Gym anymore, World Gym. It was across the street from the gym, the NYU gym. Anyway, he was like, come see me sometime. And I went. And I thought he was so funny, man. And we became friends.

Fell out of touch because I dropped out. I started stand-up three years later, four years later maybe. Then started stand-up. Was opening for Joe Coy. Was at at the miami improv the old one not the new one that just reopened this was an old one that shut down uh and i was opening for joe coy i walk into the lobby and there's a tv that's showing comedy on Comedy Central. And I see the guy doing stand-up on Comedy Central that I used to know as a fitness trainer. And I was like, whoa, he fucking made it. So I'm like, that's fucking amazing. He's on Comedy Central.

So I was like, I got to – this is before social media, right? Couldn't like really like reach out to him and shit like that. Also didn't even know if he would remember me this was like 10 years later uh I'm not 10 not quite 10 but like 7 so then I start like start making it in comedy I start making it I start getting doing stand you know getting paid to do stand-up. I get on TV, and I end up going to Just for Laughs, which is like the biggest comedy festival in the world, and it's really sought after, and I got a new face. I was one of the new faces, which is like these are the new crop, right? I get there, and by the way, this comedian gets a show, not me, the guy, this comedian gets a show called Cash Cab and it's Ben Bailey.

This is the guy that used to work out with me, Ben Bailey, who's a very recognizable comedian that's on the show Cash Cab. That was a big hit on – I don't know what channel it's on. But anyway, he was like a game show host in a fucking – in a cab, in a taxi. And he would take people to their destination and he'd be like, you're on Cash Cab. And then they'd guess and they'd win money they guess shit and win money and so i walked up to him and just for laughs because he wasn't just for laughs too not as a new face because he had been around but i was like hey man i was like i don't know if you remember me but and i tell him the story about how you know we would work out late at night and you brought me and he was like oh yeah dude i remember you i was like yeah i told you i wanted to do

stand-up he's like yeah yeah i remember i was like i just stand up now i was like and i made it and he was like oh wow that's amazing so then we became friends and now we're buddies again um and it's just fucking crazy because like i was in college dropping out with no career and he was like a struggling stand-up comedian that would just work the circuit in new york and now we're like both headliners and it's fucking awesome anyway shout out to ben mailey i love that guy he's a great guy and he's a buddy of mine um so look dude it's a great ending to a story okay Okay. In case you don't know, I was depressed as shit.

He was a struggling comedian. And now what the fuck? It was cool. It was cool to see somebody make it though from afar, but knowing him earlier when he was struggling and now he's a fucking, what do you call it? A legit comedian. Okay. Look,

so look, man, I will tell you this. And I'm after the first ad break that's when i really kick things off on this podcast because i'm in the zone so here we go dude my opener when we were in uh i don't even know where the fuck we were how about that how about where i how about i never know where the fuck i am dude um so i was in um somewhere got to the airport oh this was in cincinnati which by the way the fucking airport in cincinnati is in kentucky right hey go fuck

yourself man put it in the actual city so confusing when you land you're like i'm in kentucky uh-oh i flew to the wrong fucking place. I guess they're right next to each other, but anyway. Look at this. Cincinnati, Northern Kentucky International Airport. Pequon. So I get to fucking, I get to the place to fly back out to beautiful, sunny Los Angeles, California that's been raining so much.

back out to beautiful sunny Los Angeles, California. That's been raining so much. And I notice in the airport on the carpet of the airport with planes on it, the carpets and airports always have planes on it. Like they think that that's like a fucking cute thing. Like get out, get out of here, dude. This is not a boutique. It's a place to make it, make it fucking drab as shit. It's an airport.

Don't try to cheer me up in an airport. I'm in an airport. I want to be pissed. Let me be. Let me feel like there's fucking people with like diseases around because it should be that fluorescent lighting, white walls, and don't make it cute because make it drab as shit. make it drab as shit. So I get to the airport and I notice, I look down and there's straight up tracked shit all over the floor of the airport. Now, welcome to Cincinnati. However, there's tracked shit all over the air, all over the, all over. And I'm like, ew. and as i'm looking at this tracked shit i noticed my opener checking the bottom of his shoes which only means one thing he stepped in it and which only means

another thing i'm thrilled okay so as he's looking i noticed i was like oh it's fucking i'm i'm laughing and he's like dude i fucking what the fuck he's mumbling to him as you do anyone who steps in shit the one thing that you're doing is looking at the bottom of your shoe and the other thing you're doing is not saying words you're literally just going like this right so he's doing that okay now i'm not laughing yet. No, the reason why I'm not laughing yet is because it's fucking oh, dark 30. It's way too early. The flight was so early because I needed to get on the one that connected to that didn't connect to Los Angeles. For some reason, if you want a straight shot in the Midwest to LAX, you've got to wake up at O Dark 30. All right?

If you don't wake up at O Dark 30, guess what? You're connecting like a plebeian. Okay? Now, I don't want to connect. You can get a fucking noon flight. Congratulations. But guess what? You've got to connect in Dallas.

You've got to connect in atlanta now that's what we call out of the fucking way i've decided to only connect now because fuck these early flights man so you got to fucking fly out when you if you don't connect you want a straight shot to lx you gotta you gotta fly out literally literally the same time that they killed bin Laden. Whatever time that was, you got to, you got to do it so early. There's motherfuckers with night vision goggles on at the airport.

It sucks. So he's checking his shit going with all the bags. And I'm like, fuck it. I don't give a shit. I'm just going to keep moving because I can't laugh yet because it's fucking O Dark 30. Okay. It's the time that they killed bin Laden. So we get to the thing.

Now I got clear, bitch. I got clear. My opener, he doesn't have clear. You hear me? Now granted, Cincinnati Airport, I don't even know if they have clear or not, I don't remember, but if they do, it doesn't matter because nobody's going

to the Cincinnati Airport because you don't need to use the clear shit. You don't even need to do TSA pre, you just get there and it's like, yeah, come on in, you're the only guy. So, I, we get through the fucking TSA, and he's like, dude. He's like, dude, did I step in shit? And I'm like, oh, bro, you did, man.

And I noticed it was in the airport. And he's like, what? And I'm like, it was actually inside. And I noticed while it was happening, it was on the floor. I noticed it while you already saw it and saw it on the bottom of your shoe. And he looks at me, dude. And he says, are you fucking kidding me and i was like uh nah it was inside he was inside the inside the fucking airport and i'm like yeah

he's like are you fucking kidding me dude it's fucking 4 a.m and i said he by the way he had on like kind of like new jordans that were kind of sweet. I was like actually like, damn, dude, like they're kind of dope. Like I should maybe get them. So he had on Jordans that I liked. And by the way, the only reason why he gets Jordans is because I've convinced him that they're cool. And now he's like doing it because he's like, oh, yeah, this is the shoes to get. He freely admits it. He's like, I don't know fashion.

I got to get the cool shit. So he's got the nice Jordans on stepped in the shits. And then fucking past TSA is like, so it's like i don't know fashion i gotta get the cool shit so he's got the nice jordan's on stepped in the shits and then fucking past tsa he's like smells like fucking i can't it smells like shit man and i was like he's like how the fuck does cincinnati have shit in the airport he's like fuck this place so we're getting a lot we're getting in line at starbucks which is like the airport always has the one. They always have the sucker Starbucks. They always have the fucking sucker Starbucks. And then they have the actual Starbucks that you should go to because no one's going. Now, like a fuck up because it's so dark 30.

I get past the TSA. I see the sucker Starbucks. Now, the reason why it's the sucker Starbucks is because the line is longer than the line in Russia for bread in 1980. You know, so I'm in this long line waiting and I'm not even thinking, I'm just on autopilot. And he's like, dude, I got to go wash the shit off the bottom of my shoes. Like, no, dude, I pay you to fucking hang out with me. Stay in this long line with me. He is like, dude, I, you know what? You got to be fucking crazy. I, you know what?

You got to be fucking crazy. And he disobeys me. And I respect him for that. You understand me? I respect him for that because he's passionate about getting this shit off the bottom of his shoes. So I start laughing hard and he starts walking to the bathroom. Now the bathroom is so far away. Now he passes passes almost had a stroke right there he passes the non-sucker starbucks where there's nobody there you go there it's like a fucking open field

because everyone's at the sucker starbucks because it's the first starbucks now i'm waiting in line i don't know that there's starbucks over there i'm not thinking about it but he washes the fucking shit i get through the whole line it's like you walk through the goddamn car wash because it took so long. I order the iced Americanos because that's what you fucking get at O Dark 30. And I order. Guess what I do? I splurge, man. I'm trying to fucking work on my trunk.

I'm trying to shred down my trunk, but not at O Dark 30, dude. You got to take some liberties, man. Guess what I got? A cinnamon bagel with two cream cheeses. Got two of them. One for me, one for my shitty opener. And I mean shitty because he's got shit, not because he's shitty at stage.

He's great on stage, but he's actually shitty, technically. So I get him that, and he fucking, I get, they say, you know, cinnamon bagel. They got my ice Americana. I'm eating the shit. He comes back and he sits down in a huff and he's like, dude, it's like, I can't get it off, man.

He's like, I fucking, no matter what I do, it's like I have shit under my nose, man. It's like, I can't stop smelling it. And I'm laughing, crying. Shit is so much funnier when you're tired shit is so much funnier when you're tired and i'll tell you this much i'm better on stage when i'm tired because i'm loosey goosey all about having that fucking silly goose moment dude you think i'm down for a silly goose time and that's it when i'm tired and i got fucking

bags under my eyes, dude, it is silly goose exponential. It is silly goose with that fucking two on the upper side of it because we're doing fucking whatever that math bullshit is. Fuck math, you know? Fuck anything but basic math. You get into the other shit? No, but there's a whole other story. There's another podcast another day. So, he

fucking is so pissed and I get my cinnamon bagel. By the way, for some reason, only one of the cinnamon bagels was ready and I'm eating this shit and he was like, where the fuck is mine, dude? And I'm like, I don't know, man. You got to ask for it. I guess they didn't bring it out. He's like, what the fuck? So, he gets up and does it and he eats it dude and he's miserable eating it but it was so good then he says he goes like this he says dude this is such a you had to be there moment

and i don't give a fuck i'm still telling you because that's how we get here dude i'm disrespecting on you motherfuckers my whole I want my whole that's my dream dude to get my whole stand up to just be a you had to be there moment I want my whole audience in the audience to be like I guess that's my goal dude

they're like it doesn't it seems like you had to be there I want no one laughing just straight up audience members being like sounds like you had to be there. I want no one laughing. Just straight up audience members being like, sounds like you're in the booth. So he gets the cinnamon and he's all huffing and puffing, eating the fucking thing, smelling shit under his nose, right? Like he's got a shit stash.

And he's eating this bagel and he says, man, it's like a fucking donut and we just didn't stop laughing for 11 minutes it hit us good dude the cupid of funniness just took that fucking bow and arrow and rocket it through the back right through our hearts. And we just started crying, laughing immediately because we were eating a donut, dude. Fuck these bagels that get creative. That shit is a donut, bro. Cinnamon raisin bagels. Get a donut. I realized I fucked him. I should have just got the goddamn donut, dude. Cinnamon raisin bagel? Hey, don't call that a bagel, you fat fuck. That's a donut oh it was you know what it was better than a donut dude have you had a cinnamon

raisin bagel with two cream cheeses Peggy at fucking oh dark 30 hey that's it my hands are tied now that's it.

My hands are tired now. That's it, dude. You know what, actually? I'll tell you this right now. If you've had a cinnamon bagel at O Dark 30 with two cream cheeses, fuck that, dude. That's what's going on in your head right there. When you take that bite, you go like this. This is the bite.

When you go like this, and you go like this, and you go like this. Huh, okay. And you spread it, and you go like this, and you bite, and you go like this. Huh? What I want. Dude. Spreading the bagel. and you go like this. Dude. Spreading the bagel. Eating the bagel.

Putting it on. Oh, wow. They toasted it. Nice. Just right. Not a little too much. It's not good. Let me just fucking put this on and take a bite of it.

Here we go. And then you're just... You're good. For the rest of the day, my babies. It doesn't matter if you have shit on the bottom of your fucking Jordans. That balance it the fuck out. That's about balance. Life's about balance.

It's about balance. Life's about balance. You step in some shit, you get a cinnamon bagel. You know? The most Italian fucking thing to say. Hey, you know, you step in some shit, you get a... You know, you love... You balance it out with a fucking cinnamon bagel, right? You know? Hey, it's a fucking donut Hey, you know, you step in some shit, you balance it out with a fucking cinnamon bagel, right?

It's a fucking donut, but you know. What other fucking podcast or radio guy will be that? I'll drink that fucking black Americano at you motherfuckers, dude. I'll drink that fucking black Americano at you motherfuckers, dude. I hope you're watching.

Dude. Yeah, dude. That's it. See, we get in the groove. We get in the groove. You start the show. It's fine. It's fucking whatever.

You know, it's a little. But then. And it's fucking. I hope you're watching because. And then with the guitar. No fucking. I want to call this. I should have called this podcast in the beginning.

Fuck you. Dude, I love all you guys. You guys are just great. I mean, some of you guys probably suck. But, you know, thank you for, you know, listening to this podcast. I love that you listen to this podcast. Some of the people who listen to this podcast, no hyperbole, have literally killed people. So I don't like that.

You know, definitely murderers are listening to this right now. And that's fucked up. We don't want you at the log cabin. You know why? We want to live. That's why. Okay? All we're trying to do is just... okay all we're trying to do is just and we can't do that if you're a fucking murderer you know so i'm just you know but god oh man how about when your friend steps in shit is there anything

better when you're than when your friend steps and shit yeah there's one thing better there's one thing better when when your friend um better when your friend hits his head. Yeah, not very hard, but when your friend hits your head, dude. And when they're happy and hit their head when they're happy. Oh, forget it, dude. Forget it, dude. I one time was playing NBA Jam, dude. Remember that video game NBA Jam?

The most fucking playable video game of all time? I played NBA Jam, and I'm not going to say I ripped, but I was pretty good. All right? Now, let me actually do the ads first here, and then I'll fucking get into it. So listen. Um, um, so listen, should we have done two ads and then three ads? Yeah. But did one fire say do three ads and then two ads when the last ad was literally four seconds?

Yeah, he did that. Does that make him one fire? Yes. How do you think he got his name? By being fireable. It's as simple as that. Yes. Now, he's typing to me, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. But in response, I would say, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Why the fuck wouldn't we take the small ad and couple it with the three? Hey, guess what? You got me, dude. i'll tell you that much that's that shit i don't like um so nba jam for those of you that don't know the game nba jam sorry because your childhood wasn't as good nba jam was the shit. Dude, it was this game in basketball where it was two on two. Wow, I still can't believe he didn't put that short ad on the third. I still can't believe it. Why the fuck wouldn't you take a four-second ad and couple it with two other ads rather than one other ad?

Ah! Ah! other ads rather than one other ad. Ah! Now, I guess it made for some good content because of now, but still, ah! Um, so NBA Jam was

dude, I love I love it. You're such a fucking hoe. I love it. So fucking disrespectful. You're such a fucking hoe. I love it. How could they make that song? And people are okay with it, but people are not okay with maybe it's cold outside. So anyway, NBA Jam was the shit, dude. All right? You could play as two players and just rip ass on the basketball court. You did.

If you caught fire, bro, if you made like a few shots in a row, you'd catch fire and the guy would be like, he's on fire. And then you could do flips and dunks that were not uh humanly possible but if you were carl malone the mailman you'd dunk you know you'd fucking do a flippity flip and you'd fucking dunk and boom and boom shakalaka they'd go like that right i don't know if dick vital was actually the guy but it sure goddamn sounded like him could have sued him um anyway they did that shit wow looking at this fucking these clips they look so bad right now you ever do that you watch fucking tv from like 2000 and you're like this is what it looked like or were you watching you watch a Dude, if you watch a show from the 80s, you're like, dude, I need glasses. Am I watching apparitions do this? Am I watching ghosts?

Because everyone here is hazy. How the fuck did Ted Danson ever even get recognized in the 80s? He looks like a blob in Cheers. Anyway, dude, we would play NBA Jam, and I would rip it, and I would play my buddy Tim Chung, dude. And he, for some reason, when I played Tim Chung, we played at Brandon Goody's house because Brandon Goody had everything. He was like the fucking kid who had like all the cool shit and the good house.

And we would play and I would play Tim, dude. And for some reason, when I played Tim, dude, it made me so mad when he would win. Okay? I don't know why him. Because we'd talk so much shit. You know, usually you just shit talk and it's funny. But this motherfucker pissed me off. And I pissed him off too.

And we were both kind of as good as each other. Like we weren't – there was nobody that was like actually for sure better. So I would win and then he would win and I would win. And I think he beat me. I got pissed off and I threw the controller down. And I walked out of Brandon's room. And Tim was laughing at me. And he was so happy.

And he, like, bucked down on the bed, like, to go, like, go backwards. And he hit his head. And his face went from happiness to, ouch, I'm hurt. And I fell down laughing. So stepping in shit is the hitting your head. It's just the bet. And the hitting your head is the stepping in shit, dude. Oh, wow.

Just so good. But NBA Jam was killer. He's on fire. Did you guys play that? I mean, come on, dude. Who is your team i like using um who sons sons and the rockets elijah one i like using um uh uh magic i like using fucking but there was no shaquille right who was it anthony and uh, styles, Scott styles. Wasn't that the guy's name?

Wasn't it? It was Anthony and, uh, cause there was no Jordan either. Right? No, they did. They didn't have Shaq or Jordan. I guess it was a fucking legal thing.

I'm sure. But, uh, yeah, it was Scott styles and best. Look at this best all time duos. So funny. Malone and Iverson was a good one too.

Oh, the Hornets? They were good? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They were good. They had, what's his name? Larry Johnson. Motherfucker, you know Larry Johnson? Was that the fucking, was that that?

Is that that? What's that, guys? Okay, anyway. But just look up Orlando. On fire. Goddamn on fire, dude. He just Googled Orlando teams. It was Shaq?

Oh, fuck yeah. Shaq and Scott Stiles or Penny Hardaway. See? Scott Skiles? Oh, man. Orlando Magic was the shit. Yeah, they did have Shaquille O'Neal. Oh, yeah.

The Knicks. Oh, yeah. And then they had... And then, oh, Utah Jazz was good. Did you say that? Who said that? Utah Jazz was good. They had, I mean, they were all the same, you know, but Spud Webb. Remember he was real short?

That was funny. I mean, real short. He was probably my height. Damn. So funny you say you have my, I got my team, you know. This is all the same have my I got my team you know this is all the same shit I got my team what's up with this fucking Momo challenge

you don't know what that is it's that fucking bird like fucking scary thing uh and uh but it's apparently it started started on WhatsApp or something and it would get sent from a number and then it would be like, tell kids to kill themselves. And,

and it, and it was, and I guess it happened and it was dangerous. Momo sculpture. It started from the sculpture that this artist made, I guess. And, uh,

it's fucking this five-year-old called the police on Momo. I don't know, man. The Internet's a fucking weird place. Now, was I sick three weeks ago? Yes. Now, when you're sick, do you get lots of mucus? Yeah, you do. Do you get a lot of music? No. You can if you listen to it, but I don't know why I said it. I just fucked up because I speak

faster than I think. Yes. Now, did I get a lot of mucus? Yes. Does it always take fucking three or four weeks to get the mucus completely out of your system? Yes. Is that annoying? Yes. Should it be quicker? Yes. Should your body have adapted, should our bodies have adapted, way, way, way, way more advanced than that, yes, is it annoying, yes, do I still have mucus, yes, do I still do the pockets, yes, do I have to have the mucus the whole time, yes, do I do it, no, because it'd be gross, oh man, cracking that neck, babies, oh man, oh man when my opener she fucking stepped in shit love it he deserves it his life's too good his uh his life's too good i watched this um i watched this this documentary called Porn-demic.

Now, let me just – I have to do this after saying that title. Got it. Because it's called Porn-demic. Okay. um and uh basically it was about the outbreak of hiv in porn and it was in like you know the early early 90s when hiv was still kind of like this thing that people didn't really know how to talk about or what it was and there were there was an outbreak of hiv these five girls got it and it was there wasn't testing yet and there was this one guy that they kind of cross-sectioned everybody else with and they found out he was probably patient zero so he was the guy that

like worked with the girls that probably gave them hiv but they weren't sure because they didn't know and they back then testing was like did you get tested and they were like yeah i don't have it i'll be like okay fuck this chick and squirt all over her i'm like all right cool but uh that the the end of the like the last 30 minutes – I don't even know why I'm talking about this. But like they were like – you know how documentaries interview 75 people and then they always keep on cutting back and forth to different people about the certain – whatever they're talking about currently in the documentary? They were talking about the patient zero. And this guy wouldn't get tested because he was like – i don't know if he was scared or what the fuck but they found out that it was probably him and they were like you gotta get tested and he was like yeah

i'll get to it and they're like well man what do you mean get to it these fucking people are dying and he was like yeah i was tested and shit and this and that and they cut keep coming back to all of the people that are like, yeah, you wouldn't get tested. And they did it for 25 minutes. And I was getting so frustrated. I was like, come on, dude. Tell us.

And I was like, don't make me fucking Google it because I will Google it and turn this motherfucking bitch ass off. 20 minutes goes by, dude. And they're still like, well, it wouldn't get tested. And we were thought for sure. Guess what, dude? I ain't got no motherfucking... I Googled it.

Dude, I googled it. And I found out. And guess what? It was him. I googled it. Because you're not going to drag some shit out for 25 minutes. That's in a documentary. When I've got a fucking.

I googled it. That's why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker. You think I will watch a documentary that drags some shit out for 20 minutes and not tell me what the fuck the actual outcome is when I've got a phone in my hand? I Googled it. Don't drag it out tell me in five minutes otherwise i'll google it tupac rolling over in his grave you know doesn't even know what google is dude but guess But guess what? I do. And if you're going to drag something out for 25 minutes on a documentary, I'll Google it. Not only that,

when you bring something else up after that, guess what? I'll Google it immediately. Because I don't trust you now. You've fucked with my time. You understand? Yeah. Wes Hart!

I used to have a buddy that fucking... No, I didn't used to have a buddy. I still have a buddy. I haven't seen him in forever. He moves up to Portland, though, because he's a fucking DP. And by that I mean director for the director of photography not somebody who fucks a vagina in a butthole he's a

double penetrator and so he fucking why is that even one dude I could do that by myself why is that even one? Dude, I could do that by myself. Why is that on the soundboard? What is this? Oh, that's a good one. Even though he's such a creep, if somebody did ask him to do a DP, he would be like... I'm sorry, but the dark horse of that clip is the...

The dark horse of that clip is the... The dark horse of that clip is... Is the... Huh? I mean, dude, the fact that nobody is talking about... Oh, sonny! The fucking... Huh? Is... I mean, that ain't no problem. That ain't no problem.

I mean, the dark horse of that... I mean, I get that that. That ain't no problem. Move Lonzo. That ain't no problem. Huh? That ain't no problem. I mean, the Dark Horse. I mean, I get that. That ain't no problem. That ain't no problem. Is really funny, but the fucking. That ain't no problem.

Move Lonzo. That ain't no problem. Huh? That ain't no problem. The utter confusion with the fucking huh is just so dad. You know? It's so mustached dad. What was I even talking about?

What the fuck was I talking about? The porn-demic thing? Yeah. And then what? Oh, Portland? Wait, what did I say about Portland? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And he would... Oh, God, he was funny, man. He would laugh like this. Oh, man. Oh, man. He would laugh like this. Oh, man.

He would say man instead of man. And we were in our 20s and we were all living in the same place. There were like five of us in a house. Oh, man. Dude. He'd be like, dude. Oh, man. He would just be like, we would be sitting and he was like, oh chicks dude.

And we'd be like, what? And he'd be like, oh, and he'd be like, yeah man, all right. He'd be like,

oh man. Dude, it was so funny. He was such a character and he was a director of photography and he would just be, and he, what did we,

we would say, oh, what did we we we would say oh that's what we did there was a guy on tv that was a marine and we said he looked like him and he was fatter than our buddy and and we said what if he was the marine and we and we kept on saying oh it was a fat marine, man. Wow, how weird the shit that comes up with you and your friends, you know? And so he, God, he was a funny character, man. I don't really see him all that much. But one time, he fucking, I mean, I lived with this guy, and he had his rig, he had his fucking St steadicam in his bedroom with him you know and uh he was so much like patrick bateman and he was so there was no he was from ventura california and there was no way

he wasn't like you would just see him and he'd be like and you'd be like oh that guy's from ventura and when he had a brother that was crazy dude he had he had a brother that was bigger and stronger than him. And he looked basically like him. If you put the mask on the Jim Carrey one, and he'd be like, Oh, smoking me in.

Oh, Oh, Oh, man. And, um, and so, and, and so his one time, his older brother came over and he was like oh man

my chick is loked bro she she fucking punched me on the way here and i was like this family and so but my buddy that we lived with would get so drunk and he would just be like, one time we had a party at the house and he jumped on a glass table and naturally it broke. He fell into it and we thought he died. And he got up and he literally looks at me and he says, come with me, man. And he walked me into his bedroom.

He took off his shirt and i said hey man let me no i said take off your shirt dude let me see you're not bleeding make sure and he turned around and he was fine and i said all right you're all good and he said yeah man and then i and then i and then i and he said i have a question for you man man. And I said, yeah. And he said, what do you breathe? And I said, what? And he said, what do you breathe, man? Yeah. And I was like, air?

And he was like, oh, man. And then put the shirt on and went back out to the party. And I will never forget that. What did he mean? I don't know. Does he know what he meant? No, he was drunk as shit. But it was very, very, very poignant for some reason.

Because I was like, what do I breathe? One time, guys shot at him. Dude, that guy was just, he was one of those guys that was just like insane shit would happen to him you know those guys were just like yo this is maybe your fault but you're not really doing anything to make it happen is it just your face you know what i'm talking about is it just your face that or or or body that makes danger come to, you're not doing anything wrong. It's the way you're looking at people or something. It's the way you go.

Ho ho bien or something. One time he laughed so hard. He went back and then went forward and then hit his head on his glass that he was drinking from. And it immediately just went fucking turned into a Sarlacc pit. Like immediately was just front. And by the time he looked up, his head looked like a fucking Creek. Okay. And he looked at me out of all of us there was like six of us he looked

right at me and he said he says he said is there a bump on my dude it cracked his head open i mean his skin broke it looked like a fucking like the desert it looked like erosion and he just goes gunk and he looked up and he says is there a bump in my head man and my face must have said it all dude dude, because I was like, oh, I was literally like, oh, shit. Bruises can happen that quickly. It literally looked like it happened. I was like, that must have been from something. Oh, dude.

I mean, the fucking bruise was so gangster. It wasn't a bruise, dude. I mean, the fucking bruise was so gangster. It wasn't a bruise, dude. It was a fucking straight up cut. No glass broke. This guy, this guy with glass, dude. He just says, is there a bump on my head? And I was like, oh, you. I literally said, oh, you should just go to the bathroom and look at it.

I was like, I don't know even what to call it. You should just go to the bathroom and look at it. And he was like, oh, yeah, he what to call it, you should just go to the bathroom, and look at it, and he was like, oh yeah, he came back, there's Bruce man, it's going to be his,

he was such the kind of guy, that was like, just would play shit off, he'd be like, oh man, it's all good, it's going to be fine man, it won't leave a scar,

and you knew damn well, he was like, uh oh, it might leave a scar, it's not going to leave a scar man, oh man, oh fuck dude, people are so funny, It's not going to leave you scurvy, huh? Oh, man. Oh, fuck, dude.

People are so funny. He used gel in his hair, obviously. Oh, man. If you're from Ventura, California, and you don't use gel in your hair, you're not from Ventura, California. You're from somewhere else. Guarantee it. And I guarantee it.

Fell asleep watching that Michael Jackson documentary. I'll talk about that probably later in the next podcast. But I fell asleep during it. It's fucking crazy, huh? I fell asleep because I was tired now because it was bad. Let's do some mis Connections, dude.

We got a Fresno edition this time, babies. We got Fresno edition. You know why? Because no place safe from our Miss Connections shit. I ain't got no motherfucking friends. That's why I fucked your bitch. Was I in Fresno recently? Yes.

Did I do a show? Yes. Did my friend Morgan Doizaki say that he was going to come? Yes. Did he say he got a ticket? Yes. Did he say we were going to hang out? Yes. Did he hit me up? No.

Did he have a number? Yes. And was I upset? Totally forgot about it until a few weeks later, then I felt bad. Whose fault is it? Who knows. But either way, either way, dude, either way, dude, this one's for me, right here, this one's for me, this one's for Morgan.

It's all good, dude. I bet I could beat the shit out of Tim Chung and fucking NBA Jam right now. I bet I could. I'll use fucking Scott Skiles and fucking Shaquille O'Neal. Can't believe Shaquille O'Neal was the name. I couldn't remember out of the two of those, but whatever. Because who the fuck is Scott Skiles? It literally sounds like the fucking sidekick on Teen Wolf, but okay.

Hey, whatever. Hey, whatever Skiles. It literally sounds like the fucking sidekick on Teen Wolf, but okay. Hey, whatever. Hey, whatever, dude. It's all good. Come on, Tim Chung. Let's do this shit. Ow! Fresno's popping, dude. This is the first fucking one right here.

BJ's at Toys R Us r us it's illegal going to jail eventually no doubt you in parentheses a girl saw me and gave me bj in the parking lot let's meet up again describe yourself in the email do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Bro, what? That's for kids. Toys R Us is for kids, not BJs. The last thing Toys R Us is for? BJs. Toys R Us is not for BJs more than church is not for BJs. Hey, man, congratulations. for BJ's. Hey, man. Congratulations. You're the worst person. Got a BJ at Toys R Us?

Clovis. You know, that sounds like some shit would go down in Clovis. The Toys R Us in Clovis is popping, dude. A lot of coming in the parking lot. That's for sure. A lot of squirting. A lot of fucking squirting in heads. Dude, if you were getting a blowjob and instead of saying uh-oh uh you know how like

not me but gross guys will be like i'm gonna come in your mouth you know change it up dude tell her you're gonna come in their head that's fucking gangster i'm about to come in your head. Dude, that would be like whoever the girl would be like, huh? You know what the girl would be like? Right here. Right there. The girl would be like this.

Huh? Janice. Janice. Idiot. Janice. Fuck that. Now just because of that, I'm naming a daughter Janice. Janice. I can't believe it was Janice, dude. For fuck's sake doesn't matter dude i'm keeping it in i haven't cut shit out really uh realizing the probability of you seeing this is slim i used to come over to suck on your tits and play ah okay man the play is implied you're already sucking wow this guy should write a book for real. Yes, I used to suck on your tits and play. You used to get so wet and just come from hours of me sucking on your tits.

Hey, guys, get jobs. Now here comes the fucking bit down to business. My phone broke and I lost your number. We met a couple of times and I miss your big, beautiful breasts in my mouth and the way you moaned when you came. If you see this, HMU. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. I saw somebody online say, how come he always says the end part? Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers.

It's always there. You should just not say it. Hey, man, get comedy. Get with it, baby. This is how we do it. This is how we do it. I miss the way I used to suck on your tits and play, you know? Dude, this guy, amazing. You could tell he has a desk job just by saying that. Here's another one. You're a pizza delivery guy. Uh-oh, here we go.

You're the pizza delivery guy coming to deliver me my dinner. Dude, I love when they do this shit. When they make it about what it's not about, but you know exactly what it's about because you're not a fucking three-year-old and you can read. You're the pizza delivery guy coming to deliver me my dinner. I am super horny. So I take off my clothes for answering the door before answering the door. Oh, this isn't even that.

This is exactly what he wants. It's not the pizza I want. Oh, yeah. Really? No shit, man. If you just want a pizza, you could call Domino's. You didn't have to fucking type. You didn't have to type on Craigslist.

It's going to be sexual. It's because of the stock. It's not the pizza I want. I just want. Oh. It's not. You know what? I got to start this over because it really fucking we really it really drives it home when we get to this part.

Okay. You're the pizza delivery guy coming to deliver me my dinner. I am super horny. So I take off my clothes before answering the door. It's not the pizza I want. I just want dick smashing into my tight, wet pussy right down to it. Huh?

That's the end of that one. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Wow. If you just want dick smashing into your tight way, then what are you doing ordering a pizza? Heh. It's a consolation at the end. You're like, well, at least I also get to eat pizza afterwards.

Oh, wow. Film me blowing you, Clovis. clovis clovis is cool uh clovis is cool oh yeah clovis clovis is cool i'm looking for a young white guy and And then I'm producing white guys only. It's not racist. This is preference. Hey, to film me giving him a blow job.

Only a guy who can obey rules. That's not me. I'm 29 and very attractive, but your obedience is required. Message me if you want to know more. If you don't include pics and a little about yourself, don't bother contacting me. Exclamation point.

Do not contact me when soliciting services or offers. Wow, man. It's kind of racist, but it's not, though. It's a preference. Wow. Dude, I love this shit. We were texting last week. Lost your number. You used to come over massage bro I'm surprised I didn't say message Janice

you used to come over and I'd massage your hot body miss the before and after GL looking for another for other curious men with nice bodies to give a free massage to Jesus what's GL good luck looking for other curious men with nice bodies to give a free massage to. Jesus. What's GL?

Good luck looking for other curious, spelled without the U, men with nice bodies. I don't know why good luck. Do not contact me on solicitor services or offers. Man, what is with fucking Craigslist? You don't have to use it. Just do other stuff. Google it. Anyway, that's good.

You know, right? Fuck. I started laughing hard during this podcast. Well, let me go over some dates here. Remember, if you're still listening, which you should be because you're a true baby. Albany, Santa Fe, Tucson phoenix edmonton and victoria bc sold out immediately immediately so we're gonna add there uh but yeah uh i'm coming to your city and if not i'm coming close so you know i'm traveling fucking thousands of miles. How about you travel 50?

Some people are like, come to my town. It's the town over. And download my app. We go live on it. You see the podcast before anyone else does, and you hear it before anyone else does. Support the show by going to the merch store, store.christalia.com, or just go to christalia.com and follow the links. dot chrysalia dot com or just go to chrysalia dot com and follow the links you get those fucking bag shirts

and the fucking shrikant shirts and Denny's Grand Slam and the Blue Baby's hoodie you know what I mean and there's it's just a good time I see all you guys with the Den shirts and all that shit on my shows I love seeing that that's very cool it's the uniform babies

it's the uniform babies subscribe to the YouTube channel it helps I'll see you at Anaheim I'll see you at San Ynez and I'll see you at Valley Center

I'll see you this weekend Anaheim, San Ynez and Valley Center this weekend looking forward to you guys have fun and remember if you're waking up at 0 dark 30, it's way too early.