Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 111. The White Aladdin

Episode Date: March 11, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about Trapped in the Closet by R. Kelly. Also discussed: Starbucks inside of other things, being old and having braces, and the worst possible hat ever. Plus, we do a San Antonio edition of Missed Connections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Episode 111 of Congratulations. What's up? Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy Fuck it. We'll do it live. Um, fuck it. We'll do it live. I'm happy, man. You know what I did this weekend? Well, first of all, before I even start here, let me tell you some tour dates. Okay. We've got Albany, New York coming up. We've got Huntington, New York. We've got Orville, California, Daytona Beach, Florida, Cleveland, Ohio, Columbus, Cincinnati, Ohio,

Lexington, Kentucky, Albuquerque, New Mexico, Santa Fe, Phoenix, Arizona, Tucson, Greensboro, North Carolina. So if you hear these, go get some tickets. A lot of them are sold out, but some of them have a few tickets left. Las Vegas, Des Moines, Sioux Falls, falls fargo i don't even know where these fucking places are edmonton victoria bc chicago illinois uh so come on down and see the follow the leader tour i've been doing this tour for a few months now and it's fucking so on it's been so on and it is so on so uh we're doing these uh we're doing these dates and we're having fun i was in let's see i was in

i was on the road a lot and then this past weekend the the weekend i had two weekends ago i was like great this is the last weekend i'm going to be on the road or i was here i was here in la i had to do a gig in oh on the last Thursday. And then I came back and I had a weekend here. And then I was like, cool. I got a kind of a chill weekend on the road. I had to do, what was the, I did Anaheim. And then I did Chumash Casino in San Ynez, and then I did another one near San Diego, Valley Central.

Oh, I did Harrah's and then Chumash. I don't remember what was what. One was in a place called Funner, California, which is – call it – it's not even a word. Call it more fun. I don't like when people say funner. It's so ignorant. You know what I mean? And it's not a word. And I feel like it became a word because people started saying it so much.

But still, don't say it. The place should be called More Fun California. Anyway, some of the gigs were good. They were all sold out. I had a good time. The second one in, I can't remember which was what, but the second one was okay. The third one was a fucking banger though. And that was the one where I was able to scoop up the most bags.

So we all had a good time. Everyone came out a winner. And yeah, so it was very cool and I was in – the last two of them were casinos. The Anaheim was the one that was just at the Grove of Anaheim, which was pretty cool. It's a nice venue that they have all set up and shit. And then they had the – I had two casino gigs. Casino gigs are odd. They can go either way because they give out a lot of comps because they want the high rollers to come in and kind of like experience the show and so a lot of times you'll get like in the front row you'll literally have like 92

year old people that just sit at the slots but have given the casino a lot of money over and over again so they're just watching you stand up and i'm up there talking about dicks and shit and they're just like not even looking they're like off to the side in a wheelchair just like who the fuck is this what's happened to comedy since red skeleton and um and so uh yeah we did it uh but but the third one you know and the casino gigs are cool because they they usually pay you more but because they have so much fucking money dude when, when you walk around these casinos, you don't even think about the shit that, like they just have like, like we walk the back way and all that shit

to go to get into the back way to the show and all that. And there's just like tables and like ice makers and like chairs, just random fucking chairs that they don't even go in the casino. They're just like chairs that they have from like some, I don't even know. They have like beat up tables in case there's like banquets that they put you know nice little like uh cloth over but that this shit like you don't think about how much like all those tables are

this is like a 1.2 million just for tables they have so much fucking money so um so yeah you don't feel guilty fucking taking bags from casinos so anyway i was there uh i did the show and afterwards you know casino gigs are cool because like if you're a guy or you know you're just thinking about you're like oh cool casino life you know like like you like guys are such idiots it's some cuda shit you're just like all right cool let's go to a casino like i brought some openers and we all did time and went on on stage and then we get to the casino and it's like we're in the middle of fucking nowhere by the way these fucking kids if you're a casino being being las vegas being maybe atlantic city and maybe reno even though don't be in reno but all these these two past two casinos i played there was like one of them was up, Sandy Nez.

I had to fucking take the 101. And then you get off at the 101 freeway. And then it's like 30 minutes inland from the 101 freeway. And you're like, dude, why is it 30 minutes out? Why do they make it 40 miles out of the fucking freeway? Just make it half that. They literally just plopped it down in the middle of nowhere. Just make it halfway there. Why do we have to drive all the way do you understand what i'm saying you get off the

freeway you drive 40 miles and then just plop there there's a casino make it 20 miles make it 10 miles i don't fucking understand it so both of those that one and the one in fucking near san diego and valley center was both plopped down in the middle of nowhere so we were there and then what you don't realize is you're staying where the venue is as a performer you're staying where the venue is now as a person who is as famous as i am which is not not that famous, right? In that venue where I'm staying, this is why casinos also pay you more because your fans know you're going to be there. So they come to this casino. They wouldn't normally come to the casino.

But now they're there at the casino because you're there. And now they're going to spend money gambling. So the casino fucking is literally driving a fucking truck down paper lane, opening up a door. They don't have one of those doors. They have one of those Jeeps that just is doorless, like those assholes have, that you're only white. No other race but a white guy has had these Jeeps with the no doors on it they have a wrangler the owner of the casino has a wrangler is driving one arm extended out down paper lane just hooking it up into the back seat he makes one felt motion

just whoop whoop scoop that he whoop doop poop and he's just fucking throwing it in the back and the wrangler is catching backs right extra paper scoop that up fresh out the private jet from from europe so he so so that's why casinos pay you more so anyway what you don't remember what you don't think is all of your fans and this is500 people were at the show last night. All of those people, at least even if you take 10% of those people, they're staying in the hotel. They're like, oh, let's make a night out of it, right? So now you think, oh, great, casino life. But you can't go in the casino because then you've got these drunk guys that are just going to be out there just like, bro, let's do an Instagram video.

And you're like, I know. You know? So I put my hood up. And I'll never forget Whitney, too. Whitney Cummings, when she was starting to, like, get famous. And I always think of this, dude. She said, Leia, like, people, like, like recognize me at the airport and I just feel like I'm going to be like not recognizable.

And then she said, but I guess my face is just my face. And that's exactly. It's so funny, dude. I guess my face is just my face because I don't think people are going to recognize me. But then it's like, I guess my face is just my face. Because I don't think people are going to recognize me. But then it's like, I guess my face is just my face. Like I put a hoodie on.

That doesn't matter. You can tell because I'm a fucking, you know, I look hulky from the back. I'm a fucking, you know, I'm not just a fucking regular dude. I'm a fucking hulky, broad-shouldered guy, right? When I walk into a room, I know. I scan the room, right? And I know everybody there, if they're looking at me from behind. What am I, a fucking turtle? You know what I'm saying?

And my legs are skinny. No matter what I do, I try to fucking build them up, but I can't. So I look like a fucking, you know what I look like? A genie coming out of the fucking. So I look like a fucking, you know what I look like? A genie coming out of the fucking. I look like a genie just coming out. I'm not all the way out of the fucking lamp. I look like I'm coming out of the lamp and my legs are still thin from the bottom, but I'm hulky.

Dude, is he a turtle? People go like this. Is that a turtle? Oh, yeah, that's that comedian I might like. So don't forget from the back I'm hulky, man. I look like a fucking genie that's coming out of the... I really do. I look like a genie.

My legs are so thin I look like a fucking genie coming out of the lamp that hasn't yet come out of the lamp and become a person yet. Fuck. Wow. Damn. I look like a fucking like the, like, like the white Aladdin. Um, I do. I look like the white Aladdin. They're like, why is he not blue? Why is he so pasty white? Um, anyway. Uh, yeah. So, so I was there and people were like asking for pictures and shit, which is like, I don't normally say no, but I, I kind of, I feel kind of bad. I did.

I was like, dude, you know what? I really appreciate you as a fan, but like, I don't want to start taking pictures. I said, so cock, I don't want to start taking pictures because then everybody's going to start taking pictures. Like I'm fucking Lady Gaga. But in a casino, you basically are Lady Gaga. If you just performed, that's it. It doesn't matter if you're Lady Gaga or if you're fucking, you know, the ShamWow guy.

It doesn't matter if you just performed, if you just did your ShamWow shit, if you just did a fucking TED Talk about ShamWows. Afterwards, everyone's going to be taking pictures because they're there for you, my babies. Anyway, it was cool. I'm glad I did those shows. They were fun. Sometimes, dude, the way these casino things are set up too, like you don't think that you're doing well because the rooms are so big. The bigger the room is, the worse it seems like you're doing as a comedian because the laughs don't get trapped. If you have a lower level ceiling, then that laughter goes pew, pew, pew, pew.

It's like bouncing all over and it's just raucous. So you tell a joke, it doesn't even matter. You tell it like a little bit of a setup and you get three people like, and it seemed ping pong, ping pong. And it's just, and you're like, whoa, I'm murdering. But in these like banquet halls that are set up by these casinos, they're big, big, big. So you do a joke and then people laugh. And even if it's like all of the people laughing, it's like, ha, ha, ha, ha. You're like, all right, next joke. Here we go.

Next. So, you know. That's it, really. That's it. That's it. That's all I have. Bye. I went to. That's it. That's all I have. Bye. I went to the fucking DMV.

Bro. I understand. First of all, imagine me at the DMV. If you know anything about me, imagine me. Imagine me at the DMV. I go to the DMV.

I made an appointment. I had, this is so bitch. I had my fucking assistant make an appointment, right? My assistant slash fucking business manager make an appointment. Not my assistant. He's my business manager. I said assistant because I didn't want people to think my business manager was making my appointment. But it's even more cocky to have my assistant – anyway, whatever.

I had a fucking appointment made at the DMV, all right? Now now i'm already pissed because i know that it's not going to work you know if you make an appointment at the people people are how many times in your life if you're a dude you gotta make an appointment at the dmv you don't just go in you make an appointment you make an appointment it's so much quicker that's already something that's like I know is not true and it's wrong and it's going to piss me off because when I get there, it's going to be the same as not making an appointment. Too many people are saying it. That's why. If that many people are saying it, it means they're hiding something. Oh yeah, you got to make an appointment. You got to make a fucking appointment. It's like you want to seem like the top dog that knows what the fuck's going

on, but you don't know what's going on. If you're really the top dog that knows what's going on, you wouldn't be fucking saying it so much you'd just be like the gangster you'd have the fucking gangsterling going on being like I don't talk much you'd be hanging out just with your fucking lips why are you fucking talking bro

if you know what's going on why are you talking so I heard it so much and I never made an appointment for the DMV. I fucking haven't been to the DMV since fucking, you know, I don't even know. So I,

I, they, they make an appointment. I go, I get in the line for the appointments. Okay. There's a line for, if you don't have an appointment and then there's a line for an appointment and I go and I make the, and then I make, and I make, and I go to the one for the appointments. Okay, there's a line for if you don't have an appointment and then there's a line for an appointment.

And I go and I make the – and I go to the one – the appointments and whatever. I don't know if it's going quicker or whatever. So the guy in front of me, I finally get to the – there's a guy before me and he's like, hey, I'm here to do my thing. I got an appointment. She's like, you're not in the system. So he's like, no, I am and I must have – she's like, do you have a confirmation number? And he was like, no. And he was like, well, you're not in the system. He's like, well, I made an And I must have. She's like, do you have a confirmation number? And he was like, no. And he was like, well, you're not in the system.

He's like, well, I made an appointment. I got to get back to work. And she's like, well, you got to go over there. He's so pissed off. And I'm like, dude, it's not working. You know, how do you argue that? How do you argue that? That's the kind of guy I am.

I want this shit to work. But if it's not going to work, that's it. OK, I go home, dude. If I were to walk up there, you're not in the system. Okay, bye. I'll figure it out later. I'll drive around illegally. I don't give a fuck.

Guess what I'm doing now, lady? I'm driving around illegally. Thanks to you. That's it. I'm going to drive around illegally. You fucked this up. Here we go. Vroom, vroom.

All over the place with no lice. And when a cop pulls me over, let me see your license and registration. Guess what? I don't have it. Why? Well, well, officer, it's because I made an appointment at the DMV. And when I went there, I wasn't in the system and I couldn't get a license, even though that's when I was supposed to walk out with the license. I wasn't able to. So guess what happened? The system's fucked up and now I'm driving around with no license. Well, sir, you're going to jail. Well, okay, fine. That's fine. But I just want you to know that the reason why all this shit happened was because of the incompetence. Lock me up. That's it. Then I'm in jail, dude. And then I got street cred. All of this shit works for my story.

I'm in jail now. Now I get to talk about this there's positives maybe so i walk up to the fucking thing and she's like and i got the confirmation number ready bro i play by the rules when i'm at the airport and i check bags and i know that they're going to come on the fucking turnaround basket bag turnstile thing when I land wherever I am and they give me the stickers for my bags. I fucking take those stickers and I put them on the back of my ticket. And I've never lost a bag or no, I should say rephrase, by the way, that I've never had a bag lost. OK, I travel all the time. I get my bags.

But I keep those stickers, baby. Because guess what? When I lose my bag and they fucking look at me and they say, well, do you have your tag that they were given? I go like this. As a matter of fact, I fucking do. And then it's on them. Find it. There's the fucking thing.

There's the thing you gave me. If you still can't find it, that's on you. And you owe me a fucking new bag. So I play by the fucking rules because I can't wait till these fucking airlines lose my bags. And I can just unroll my ticket and say, you know what? As a matter of fact, I do. So now I'm at the DMV and I got my confirmation ready and I got my fucking, I got it on here. I got it. I got it on my phone. I got the, um, I got the, uh, I got the website up. That's got the fucking confirmation number. I even,

dude, I guess what? I'm the, I'm the kind of guy who when he turns his phone sideways, the whole screen goes sideways. I don't keep my screen locked. That shit's for bitches, dude. I know how to fucking jockey my phone the way I want to work it. So if I hold the phone like this, straight up and down, I'm going to see straight up and down. If I move it sideways, that shit is lucid and moves sideways. Okay?

I don't keep the screen lock on. But right now, I got the website with my confirmation number up, and I got the screen locked. Because I'm going to hand my phone over to the lady. And I don't know if she uses screen lock or not, but this way, the way she's, it's not going to be moving around. Like, oh, it's moving all around and shit. Oh, it's moving around, and the website went up, and now I can't see. Could you make it? No now I can't see. Could you make it? No, I don't fuck with that. The screen's locked and you get to see the barcode and the confirmation number. So I get there and I say, hi. And she says, hi, how can I help you? And I say, well, I have an appointment. And she says, okay, you need to fill this out. And I say,

well, I have a confirmation number right here. She says, do you have your other forms of ID? well, I have a confirmation number right here. She says, do you have your other forms of IT? And I says, as a matter of fact, I do. I've got my passport. I've got my other driver's license, my old one. And then I've also got a fucking proof of where I live. My gas bill, baby.

I got crafty and printed out my gas bill. Okay? Now, granted, yes, my business manager emailed me my gas bill and told me to print it out and i did that and it was a little bitch like because he did most of the work but i did it babies so i've got all of the things i need one proof of where i live my driver's license my social security card which i won't say the number for because then i'll get my identity stolen here and also my passport i've got them all and she And she says, can I see them? And I say, sure, but don't forget about the confirmation number. She's not asking about the confirmation number.

So I'm like, look, this lady's in charge. She knows what's going on. So she says, do you have any other proof of where you live? And I said, no, because I looked at the email and it said, you only need one proof of where you live. So I brought the gas. She said, well, in April, and in my head, I go like this, well, wait a second. It's March. she said well in April and in my head I go like this well wait a second it's March she said in April we're starting a new thing where you need two proofs of that and I think well wait a minute it's March it's not April so why the fuck is she telling me how it's going to be in April so she says so you may need to come back and show you your proof of hey lady whatever I may need to come back and bring another proof of where I live. That's what she says

because starting April you need two. But it's March. And in the email it said what? So now I'm, uh-oh. My heart's getting hot. Okay? But I'm still playing by the rules. So she says, you need to fill this out.

So I'm like, all right. She didn't ask for my confirmation number. She did ask for the first guy's confirmation number. She need to go over there and do all this shit. I got to go to a computer. I'm on the computer. computer now i gotta go wait in line again do a computer thing and i'm filling all the forms out and i'm like this is fucking why am i doing all this shit and then i realized that this is all the shit that my business manager's assistant already did i'm making the appointment basically already at the

dmv so now i realize that she's making me i gotta do the fucking thing fucking thing again. And I knew that that was going to happen. I knew it was going to fucking happen. I didn't even have to make the fucking appointment. I knew it was going to happen. So now I got to do it again. And ever since then, when I did that, it was very easy after that. But it took 20 minutes, 20 more minutes because I had to do exactly

what my business manager's fucking assistant already did. I don't know. it's asking me shit like what political party are you a part of what the fuck hey dude put me in a car legally are you a democrat are you a republican i don't give a what no no party i wrote you don't get to know my party no party motherfucker zero party non-denominational or whatever the fuck I know it's for religion

but but I looked around the DMV and I looked around the DMV and I looked at the people that were there. And it seemed, you know, nice. It was cool. Everyone seemed cool.

You think of the DMV as just like the worst place on the planet. And it just wasn't, you know. Now, granted, maybe if you go to different DMVs all around, but it might be bad. But the one in Culver City is pretty banging, dude. It's pretty. It's clean as fuck. The people are nice. You know, that lady didn't really do what she was supposed to do.

I don't think because I had a confirmation number and could have shaved 20 minutes off of the fucking time. But whatever, dude, I'm just chilling. It was good. I couldn't wait to leave. I'll drive around illegally. I don't give a fuck, dude. You're not going to give me my license. I'm fine. I'm still wait to leave. I'll drive around illegally. I don't give a fuck, dude. You're not going to give me my license? I'm fine. I'm still going to drive around illegally. Pull me over. I don't have a license.

I don't give a shit. Whatever. I'll deal with the consequences, my baby. Remember last time when I got so pissed off? That one fire made me read the fucking quick ad at the end of the two ad instead of the three ad? Wow, that was the fucking one of the hottest moments of the podcast history. That was one of the hottest moments of congratulations podcast history.

And if you don't remember it, go check it out. Our podcast, by the way, is fucking growing and growing and growing and growing. And that's great. That means you guys and girls are out there spreading the word of this fucking cult, dude. You really are. Because if you're not growing, you dying that's the truth dude that's the fucking gall darn truth what is gall darn you know they used to do that shit well that's gall gall darn old guys would say gall darn hey man just say god damn after i was at the dmv i went

to the fucking starbucks to get a star Starbucks because I didn't get coffee yet. And you know how I do. I run on coffee. So I went to Starbucks, even though Starbucks has the worst goddamn coffee of all time. I went there because they're all over the place and you can't not go to them because they're fucking literally catty-cornered from each other. So I'll go. You got me. My sucker.

Oh, well. Dude, Starbucks is fucking everywhere. There's a Starbucks. One time I was in a Starbucks. I walked out of a Starbucks and I was in another Starbucks and I was like, what the fuck? And they were like, yeah, this is the Starbucks outside the other Starbucks. They are just fucking everywhere. There's a Starbucks in a Starbucks.

Starbucks. It's fucking insane. Starbucks. Starbucks. Starbucks. Starbucks everywhere. Starbucks there. You're in a Starbucks and you walk out of Starbucks. Starbucks and Starbucks and a Starbucks and Starbucks.

You're in a Starbucks and you walk out of Starbucks and you walk across the street and you get in a Starbucks. Starbucks, Starbucks, Starbucks and we all in a Starbucks. Drink in a Starbucks and you're done and now Starbucks. Starbucks, Starbucks, Starbucks, Starbucks, Starbucks. Dude, this is straight up either fucking Starbucks shit. Like you're drinking it. Nope, nope, nope, nope. Starbucks.

Dude, that's ill as shit. Right here. This is ill. Starbucks. Wow, that's ill as shit, dude. Yeah. Fuck yeah, you are at Starbucks. Drinking in the Starbucks and you walk out of Starbucks.

Walking in the Starbucks and you notice you're a Starbucks You're in a bank and the bank's got a Starbucks next to it for some reason And you can walk from the banks to the Starbucks Why the fuck banks got a Starbucks in their Starbucks? Why the fuck you? Dude, what's up with fucking banks that have Starbucks attached to them And you can walk in separately to a Starbucks? And then you can also walk in from the Wells Fargo to the Starbucks

And then fucking get Starbucks, dude! You win a bank. But guess what? Starbucks is attached to it. Starbucks. Dude. Fuck, dude. Have you heard fucking? Oh, so I was in the Starbucks and I swear to God, dude, I'm going to post this picture because I took a picture. This fucking chick was there wearing, I'm not lying, dude, pants as a hat. You do the math, dude. You do the math. Picture what that might look like. This girl was wearing pants as a hat.

I swear to God, she had pants crumpled all up on her head, was wearing it as a fucking hat, dude. It was the worst hat, a.k.a. pants, I've ever seen in my life. It had the back pocket on the back of her head. Imagine her paying for Starbucks and she's like, how much is it? Oh, cool, and then reaches in the back of her head to get her wallet. Dude, guess where this was? Starbucks. Dude, I can't believe I can fucking get the right note every time.

Every time I get nervous that I'm going to be off key, but I'm not, dude. I kill it, dude. I'm nervous, but here we go. Starbucks. That was off a little bit because I got... You know what, dude?

One time I was in a musical. I was in Annie. I was in Annie. I played whatever the fucking bad guy is in Annie because I never played the good guy because I was with a bad guy because I look like a turtle from the back. And I'm fucking straight up hulking. I'm a fucking – I'm the white Aladdin.

Dude, I can't be a good guy. Guess what, dude? I've got a new gig coming up and I'm playing a fucking – I'm doing a new show. And guess what I'm playing? Guy in leather jacket. Dude, every time I get a part, they're like, well, let's put a leather jacket on him. Like I'm the fucking New Age Fonzie, dude. Anyway, I don't even know what I was trying to say.

Bad guy? Bad guy? What was I saying? I don't know, dude. Who gives a fuck? I'm done. But anyway. I was going to say something and I don't remember.

But this girl was wearing pants as a hat and then another guy was 60 years old with braces. What's going on? Hey, man. Who's a 60-year-old that just gets braces? Your teeth have been crooked for 60 years, man. What the fuck? One day you wake up and you're just like, you know what? I'm going to get pussy. Imagine being 60 and one day you wake up and you're like, you know what? Time to get some pussy. I'm going to go to the orthodontist and straighten these motherfuckers up. Dude, you're 60.

I swear to God. First of all, he was 60. He had braces on. All right. And like he's going to fucking start to get some pussy when he gets him off at 63. What? He was wearing the worst thing you can wear as a man. Period.

Shorts and a hockey jersey with braces and he was 60 hey bro you can fix a lot more before braces put on a button down and pants this guy was dressed like fucking Kevin Smith in 20 years. Has anyone ever seen Kevin Smith with not a fucking Flyers jersey on? You know? Has anyone seen Kevin Smith

without a fucking devil, a New Jersey devil's jersey on with fucking JNCO shorts? Eh. Oh shit, dude. jersey devil's jersey on with fucking jinko shorts oh shit dude amazing to wear a hockey jersey i don't like why is it on my soundboard i can just say that so anyway the guy was wearing fucking it's so hilarious to have braces on and be 60 and be wearing a hockey jersey. What are you trying to do? Don't straighten your teeth out, straighten out your wardrobe.

Hey, man. You trying to make ladies drip? Put on a button down. You trying to hand out some towels? Get some fucking straight up pants. And the girl had pants. I got a picture. I can't wait to tweet. And the girl had pants. I got a picture.

I can't wait to tweet it out. She had pants on as a hat. I would always make fun of my buddy, Andy Cozell, who's a comedian. And he had on this fucking newsy hat. And it was like a gray pleated hat. And I would be like, dude,

yo, you know, fuck. I was like, fuck that hat. That hat is secretly pants. And you know it. And we would fucking laugh so hard.

And this girl one-upped him though, dude. She was like, yo, you think that's a hat? Let me fold up these denims. I got the back pocket in the back of my head. Anyway, so I was at the fucking... I was at the DMV and I went to the fucking thing and this girl had pants on as a hat. Bro, I'm going to do these second ads. Yeah?

Now? Or no? And then I'll fucking get into this other thing I want to talk about. Speaking of eight hours of sleep, I got ten hours of sleep last night. And let's just call that fucking bag removal. And I mean, I bag because obviously not fucking money bag. Well, because no, we're not going to get more money bags. Okay. Not trying to get less money and sleeping.

But yeah, you know, there's a sleeping, not the, but it's like, okay. Anyway, I forgot to do this shit for the for the fucking ads um i don't know i i uh oh dude i watched r kelly uh the fucking trapped in the closet which won fire serendipitously not the right word but watched it as well uh but by mistake we didn't even know we were doing it but dude have you fucking seen trapped in the closet i know it's old and i've seen it already i know but dude i just wanted to talk about it because i had only heard there's's 33 chapters, which, by the way, is too much. Do you know why?

Because Anne Rand didn't write it. So there's 33 chapters, and each song is like three to fucking six minutes or some shit. And it's an opera, dude. It's straight up an opera. And he just basically, the first one is, he wakes up in a fucking lady's house. It's not his wife.

It's another girl. And then he tells a story about how dude David Lynch would love this fucking shit I don't know if you've seen it but so he wakes up so there's a new chick here he's like who is this girl I fell asleep I should have I slept. I fell asleep.

I should have went home, but I fell asleep. And now I'm in this other girl's house. And then she's like, my husband's going to come home. Dude, it's so R&B to cheat on your wife. Like, it's unbelievable how many R&B singers are like, but my wife's at home, don't tell her. So, this is the music video, by the way. It has 33 million views.

So... Views. So. This goes and basically every song, every chapter ends with a twist. She's like, don't you make a sound. Get in the closet. It is going down. And they're acting him singing. Like the girl's like, and some shit is going down. Look at him doing like that.

So at the end of the thing, his phone goes off. And the husband's like, what the fuck's going on? This is how all of them end. Is she sexist? What? Of course he has a gun. Okay. Okay, so now this is the end of it. Okay, so that's the end of the first one.

And now here's the second one. And it starts with a close-up of him and the gun. Dude, it's so funny. He has a gun. Why? His name's Sylvester in this. Just be Robert. Okay.

So David Lynch, dude. This whole thing. This is symbolic. Okay. Oh, really? No shit. Why does he want to work it out? Just go home, dude.

You have a gun. Leave. You have a gun, dude. What guy? Yo, the guy with the gun never has to say well hold on let's work this out hey you go it's always the guy who has the gun on like let's work this out let's work this out there's a fucking guy who's got no gun and a woman next to him. A leave. Okay? So now he's like trapped with this guy and he's like, what the fuck's going on?

Had to get in the alpha shit. And then I said, but your chick chose me. Okay. Moving forward. okay moving forward so now he's pissed so now he's pissed and he's like wait everyone wait here I have a surprise for you so now this is the this is the fucking husband of the girl that R. Kelly just

fucked around on. All right. And he's like, I got to, you stay here. And in the meantime, if you've got a gun in the thing, you'd be like,

no, I'm not staying for shit. I'm leaving. Okay. Oh, so now he's got some shit going on. Oh shit. So that's the fucking husband now. And he's like calling somebody going on. Oh shit. So that's the fucking husband now.

And he's like calling somebody else. Get back here. Okay. So. So he's telling. Now this is the end here. And he's, he's doing the R. Kelly part singing itself. Dude, something you never need to sing is,

Wait, I hear somebody coming up the stairs! It's a repetitive. Here we go. So the guy's going to open the door. Oh, he's gay, dude. That's chapter two. There's 33. Okay. They get so fucking insane, dude.

Just let me go to one of the trapped in the closet, the end of the in the closet. What? I don't know. Fucking 12. I mean, dude, they become so ridiculous here. Like. Now, let's jump back to Kathy's house. That's number 12 dude she's like now let's jump back to kathy's house if you were an alien that came down to earth and somebody was like hi alien we have music

and like what's music and it's like it's a story where we make songs. They're usually like three minutes long, and they just express feelings and emotions. And they go, okay, I think I have a handle on what this is. And they say, Alien, what do you think would never be the first line to a song? And Alien would be like, I don't know. Maybe let's jump back to Kathy's house. And then everyone would be like, yeah. Oh, wait, no, actually, no actually chapter 12 trapped in the closet r

kelly does start that way look at this is by the way just clicking randomly this this is the part I click on. I mean, dude, I'm on the other line. And she says, wait. And she says, hold on. I'm talking to Kathy. Click over. Hey, Kathy. Yeah, I'm sorry. Why'd it take so long? I mean, dude, it literally, that could be it. I mean, dude. I think the end of the. What's warning Sylvester Is tripping The midgets

The babies Daddy Dude he sung it The midgets The babies Daddy Oh, dude, he sung it. The midget, the baby's daddy. Hello, alien. When do you think, what do you think would never be the end of a song? I don't know.

Maybe the midget is the baby's daddy. This is the best ending. Ow! I mean, dude, just like so, like so insane. So, all right. So, hip hopera. So, listen. R. Kelly is a fucking vile human being.

Obviously, he's terrible. And before I saw vile human being, obviously. He's terrible. And before I saw this whole thing, I thought... But it was a very interesting thing because before I saw this whole thing, I was like, I didn't feel bad for him at all. So as I'm watching this shit, and I watched one through whatever, 14, 15, I like this. All right? So now I go back and I'm in so now I'm go back and I'm in this I'm in the R. Kelly rabbit hole I start watching his

fucking interviews and shit like that and now I'm actually starting to feel bad which is fucked because I realize why it's been so long this shit that's been going on because people don't want to because I never really thought about R. Kelly because people don't want to, because I've never really thought about R. Kelly, but people don't want to have what they like be tarnished.

And I was getting a little taste of that by listening to this. I had let myself kind of not think about all of the vile shit that he's done. And now I see a guy that makes art and i watch the interview and i'm like oh man but he's a person and then i start to feel bad which is the fucked up part of it because he's basically this is what this this is what he does when they talk about how he would groom the fucking you know teenagers to to become one of his his women right uh he would start little and you would you'd make excuse you'd be like oh that's not that bad that's not this it's just like this song in the beginning of chapter one you think oh wow okay well that's

funny he's doing all this shit yeah it's an song, but it's kind of interesting. It's different and it's quirky. Oh, and at the end, oh, the guy found out and he's got a gun to his face. Oh, and at the end of chapter two, we find out that the other guy is gay and he's cheating too. Wow. All right. That's crazy. Now, if it had started with that, you'd be like, whoa, that's a lot to digest. But then by chapter three, by chapter four, everybody's cheating on everybody. But then by chapter three, by chapter four, everybody's cheating on everybody.

And by chapter 11, this girl who is cheating on the cop that pulled over R. Kelly that also fucked the fucking R. Kelly's wife is now having a baby mama with a little person that was stuck in a cabinet. And because you listen to one through 12, you're kind of desensitized by it. So it's not so ah. Even though it is ah, it's not so ah. That's what he's doing to us as an artist. What he does sexually to these fucking girls as an abuser, dude. It's really fucked up. So, I don't know.

I haven't seen the fucking closet. How does fucking 22? I haven't seen it, but what is 22 like? I mean, dude, it's just I just want to see how it starts. Hello, saints.

You've reached Odell and Myrna. Leave your name and number. We'll get back to you. And oh, yeah. God bless. Where the hell are you, chef? The hell are you? Myrna, this is Rosie.

Call me back. I mean, this is a... That's the end? I mean, dude, just so... Anyway, dude, we were laughing so hard on the way to the fucking show with this song, with how ridiculous it is. Yeah. I mean, dude, you wouldn't be surprised if at the end it was just like, and that bitch was a ghost.

And that bitch was a ghost, and that bitch was a ghost, and I noticed that she maybe walked through a wall once or twice, and I couldn't believe it, but I kind of just made excuses for it, and then I looked closer to that girl, and I noticed that she was a little bit white all over, different shades of white, and I thought it was was weird And I fucking watched Her walk through a wall And then I realized That that bitch was a ghost Ghost Ghost

And then I've realized I believe in ghosts But did I believe in ghosts The whole time Or is it just this one ghost And I ghost real And you'd just be like Okay yeah

Unbelievable You just be like, okay, yeah. Unbelievable. And then, and I realized, like how crazy it gets, that I've been in love with this girl for so long that I haven't been looking at the clues. And I lean closer to the girl. And I ask her a question. I say, yo, where the fuck you been last night? But she didn't answer. And then I realize that she didn't answer much. And most of our conversations are one-sided.

And why the fuck she never actually talked too much? And then I thought back in our past. And realized that she didn't really say anything at all. So I look closer to her. And I saw her two beautiful earrings, and then I looked at what the earrings was attached to, and I thought her ears look green, and I was like, why the fuck her ears look green, green, because usually ears are beige, or black, or Asian color, whatever theirs is, or Indian color, but they're not, and then I looked at closer, and I pushed her hair back, and I

definitely realized that where her mouth was was it wasn't really a fucking mouth And then I look and I smelt it and it smelled a little bit like outside And then I thought why does this bitch smell like outside and I look closer and that bitch was a plant Why the fuck does this girl look hairier than normal? I just kind of like thought maybe she didn't shave her legs. But then I thought, why the fuck does it look like she has two legs attached to her top as well? And then I thought, where the fuck are her arms at? And I couldn't find any arms.

And then I looked even closer. And that bitch was a deer with four legs. I mean, was I attracted to deer this whole time or did I just make... I realized that hanging out with this girl I wasn't necessarily having sex with her that much or talking to her. I just was kind of touching her a little bit.

And I noticed where I was touching her. And where I was touching her, there was buttons on her. And I didn't understand why I was touching buttons. And then I looked closer. And that bitch was the app Venmo. Like just an insane person I was dating Venmo for so long now the deer and the plant

and Venmo was all looking at me and I was like how the fuck did I get caught up in this love triangle with a deer a a plant, and Venmo? And Venmo said, what? Venmo said, shh. And Venmo said, no. And Venmo looked at the deer.

And the deer looked at the fucking plant. And the plant didn't look at shit because the plant doesn't have eyes. But why does it still have earrings on? And I realized it was because I got earrings for a plant. So I Venmo'd the plant $40. But I realized that the plant didn't even have Venmo because it's just a plant, which goes back to my original thing. It was like, how the fuck did this get so far into the relationship with this plant? Oh, fuck, dude.

Now we're back at the plant's house. Hippopera. Whatever happened to fucking... Oh, man. So goofy, dude. oh man so goofy dude r kelly that who was me that who was me why are their names rufus sylvester um chuck is good um it's weird how artists fucking get so insane i was thinking about dmx and how good that first

album was dude and then how just like i guess crack fucked him up but that first album was this shit dude and then he's all like the lawnmower is right next to the tree and you're like but anyway fuck dmx rocked he really did that hole was me DMX rocked. He really did. That hoe was me. All right. We want to do these San Antonio Missed – we'll go out to San Antonio Missed Connections Edition. That's what we got.

Why don't we look at some, huh, my babies? Am I on this Wi-Fi? You ready to go? Oh, I mean, wow, we're off to a banger right now, starting. Here we go. Misconnections, San Antonio edition. First one. The subject is cunt nugget. San Antonio starting with some fucking fire, ain't that right? Sometimes I think about how nice it was to have someone to use. Our sex was dirty.

Sometimes I miss it. Others, I just want to use you again. Send nudes if you feel the same. You know who you are. Do you? Is this a specific one? Sometimes I think about how nice it was to have someone to use. Our sex was dirty.

Sometimes I miss it. What did they have? Is this a pet name cunt nugget oh it's a derogatory nugget is the derogatory part too you know how do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers dude dude wow I don't even know what to say imagine dude being with any girlfriend I've ever had in my life if I had just looked at him and said you're my little cunt nugget this shit would have been over how do you get to the point where that's your

pet name you and your person got props alright next one. Looking for my buddy Jim and in parentheses medical. Wow, that's a good one. I like that one even. See, I like these ones better than ones like cunt nugget, you know? Looking for my buddy Jim in parentheses medical. Okay?

I'm hooked. Dude, that's basically the end of one of the fucking trapped in the closet chapters. I'm looking for my lost buddy, Jim. You would come visit me during the day. You were white, Hispanic, married. You would come over and I would help you relax. Your lost friend, Alex. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers.

I'm looking for my lost buddy, Jim. You will come visit me during the day. You were white and Hispanic and you were married. You would come over. I would help you relax. Your lost friend, Alex. Alex, do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Wow, dude.

All these are so gangster, know yeah we gotta fix how this sways this way it does it it always hits my fucking face and shit and i gotta do like that um all right next one j oh wow so so 2019 j on snap. It's actually more 2017. Does anybody know a guy whose Snapchat name is just Jay? All I know about him is he went to school at Texas A&M San Antonio. Please help. Do not contact New Zealand Soliciting Services or Offers. Why don't you just ask Jay?

Are you his friend on Snapchat? San Antonio? Jay? Let's add this guy on fucking Snapchat. I don't know my Snapchat shit. I don't know. I have to sign in. I don't know my Snapchat shit.

Jay, just ask him. Send him a fucking picture of your cock, bro. Wow. him send him a fucking picture your cock bro um wow so far in this one fun guy time worst children shows of all worst children show of all time are you got any guys want to hang out watch some fun movies and play with our oh i mean come mean, come on, guy. Be a little bit more discreet. We get it. Any guys want to hang out and watch some fun movies and play with our wands? Hit me up ASAP.

I'll be free until 5 p.m. 29 here. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. When did he post this, by the way? 10 days ago. I wonder what time it was. Free until 5. Wands.ands just say cock we get it we know what the fuck you're talking about wands dude oh wow and that bitch was a plant oh my god dude

if you're in herdberger park over in san antonio to the san antonio uh area if you're near hard burger Park, which is obviously fucking so goddamn sexual innuendoed out, we've got a subject here. Policeman for redhead. Policeman for redhead. Those didn't look like your kids, but if you need someone to rescue you, just ask. Tell me what I was wearing. Well, if you're a policeman yeah we know what you were wearing do not contact me with unsolicited services offers just write back to this guy and be like yo you're in a uniform he'll be like oh is it you this guy have his whole day full responding to people no okay i realized what i did was fucking stupid i didn't mean uh what was What was I wearing? Obviously, because I was wearing a policeman's uniform.

Policeman for redhead. Also, what a bad policeman to just not ask if it was okay, if the person was okay, and then to just go to Craig's list and see if she's okay. Worst guy on the force. So whatever. I guess we're pretty much done here. We haven't done most fucked up Instagram post of the week, and I thought about reviving that soon. So we might do that soon.

But we love you guys, and you guys are awesome the way you guys keep listening to this podcast. And I hope you guys honestly have a good week. That bitch was a plant. And again, let me go over some of those dates for you guys on my tour. We got a bunch of fucking dates coming up. Albany, New York, Huntington, New York, Oroville, Daytona, Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, Lexington, Albuquerque, Santa Fe, Phoenix, Tucson, Greensboro, Charlotte, Durham, Newport News, Oakland, Las Vegas, Des Moines, Sioux Falls, Fargo, Edmonton, Victoria, BC, Chicago. So go to crystalia.com slash tour or crystalia.com and then click tour to get tickets for the shows. They're all selling out. So get over there.

Download the Crystalia app to watch our podcast before anybody else. Just type in Crystalia in the app store. Subscribe, rate, and review the show. Tweet me by using at congratspod. But if you leave a review for the show, that'd be great. And rate it as how many stars is the most stars. Video episodes go up a day after the audio podcast.

So thanks for listening, my babies. And oh, another announcement. I'm going to be on the show, you after the audio podcast. So thanks for listening, my babies. And oh, another announcement. I'm going to be on the show, you, the second season. So that's very cool. It's one of the first times, I think it might be the first time I've ever done a show that I had been a fan of already.

I binged the first season of you and I'm going to be in the second season of you. And I can't, I'm not going to say much about what it's about obviously because you got to be tight lipped but it's very cool and I look forward to that drop I look forward to

that drop it on Netflix season two of you I will be on a few episodes a few episodes of that so I start shooting this week actually tomorrow so thanks guys and you guys are great and thanks for listening my babies. And this is the White Aladdin signing off. Thank you.