Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 112. #TheUnfollowing

Episode Date: March 19, 2019

On today's show, Chris proposes a concept for thirsty Instagrammers. Also discussed: restaurant Happy Birthday songs, Go Fund Me, Harland Williams, and Denali SUVs. Plus, we do a Reno edition of Missed Connections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Make your nights unforgettable with American Express. Unmissable show coming up? Good news. We've got access to pre-sale tickets so you don't miss it. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance.

Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. What is up, you guys? Hi. I'm a fucking talk show host. We're live on my app right now.

And, you know, we're doing it. So download the Crystalia app to watch the podcast before anybody else. And we've got some dates here coming up. We've got Cleveland, Ohio, the Follow the Leader Tour. We will be in Cincinnati, Lexington, Albuquerque, Santa Fe, New Mexico, Phoenix, Arizona. This is all through April. Charlotte, Durham, North Carolina, Newport News. And I will be in Des Moines.

And we've got new dates too. San Jose, New Buffalo. Is that Michigan? Atlantic City, New Jersey, Tarrytown, New York. Knoxville, Tennessee, Chattanooga, Tennessee, Memphis, Tennessee, Hoover, Alabama, Victoria, B.C. These are all new dates that just came out today. A lot of those are. So we're coming at you.

And by we, I mean me. And I keep saying we for some reason. But it's just me. And I got my bag unit shirt on. Now, did I tell One Fire to make a thing that is fucking, what's his name? 50 cent to go. And then for me to come in and say bag. And then he says unit.

Did I tell him to do that? Yes. Did he say it was too hard? Yes. is it too hard to find me saying bag solo no but did he say it was yes am i upset about that yes is that why he's won't fire yes confirmed so it's all good uh we're not gonna fire him but still in a way we are. And so that's it. But it's fucking. Right here. If you're seeing on the. We got this in the in the merch store bag unit. We got the merch.

When I went to New York, I was in New York. I was in fucking New York. And I was in. I went to. I did three shows in at the Paramount in Long Island, New York, which were a lot. When you do three shows as a comedian, your voice goes, bye-bye. Your voice goes, see you later. Your voice goes like this, and you're like, what's that?

And they're like, just packing up my bags, catch you when I get back in about three or four days. Oh, but I'll miss you. And your voice like, well, if you missed me, you wouldn't have abused me. So it went away, but I did three shows and I stayed in the city. And as soon as I dropped into New York, as soon as I got into New York City, the fucking, the Big Apple walked i got out of the car and i had my bag unit sweater on and this this dude came up and he was like hey you want to buy my album and i was like no thanks bro because who the fuck would buy an album that they never heard

shit about who the fuck would buy an album if they never heard a sample? So I was like, nah. Also, it was a CD. What am I going to do with a CD? But props to the guy for hustling. Props to the guy for hustling. I'm a hustler. I'm a hustler, homie. I'm a hustler. I'm a hustler, homie.

You remember that fucking Cassidy song? Anyway, so I went and he said he said uh hey you want to buy an album i was like no no thanks and he was like oh but you in the bag you know homie and i was like uh yeah i guess and he was like oh but you're going you ain't gonna buy a album but you in the bag unit, homie? And I was like, no, I'm good, man. It's just a joke. And he was like, and then we took out the bags of merch. Like there were like eight big, big bags on my suitcase of suitcases.

And Mike was taking the bags out. And he said, oh, you really in the bag unit? He said, oh, you in the, oh, is that kind of bag unit like i had fucking cash like i had suitcases full of fucking extra paper that i was scooping up oh you really in the bag unit holding fucking 40 cds oh you really in the bag unit but pretty cool, though, because it felt nice to be recognized. I'm kidding. Popping them thangs. I love how casual it is, dude.

Popping them thangs. Say guns. You know? Dude, so funny, man. Wow. Okay. Vague. Popping them thangs we might have.

Everywhere we go through. And they know my whole crew. Guess if there's Denali's in the fucking music video. Dude, rappers love Denali's in the fucking music video dude rappers love Denali's I swear to god they would rather take a Denali than a fucking private jet they'd be like where we going they'd be like we're going to Missouri and they'd be like damn yo we should just take a jet and they're like hell yeah and then they're like, hell yeah. And then they're like, oh, shit. But, yo, what the fuck? We maybe take Denali's and be like, what? We could take Denali's all the way to Missouri? How long it going to take?

And they're going to be like, yo, it's going to take a lot longer because the jet will get us there in three hours, dog. They'll be like, how long the Denali's going to take? And they'll be like, man, it's going to take us four days. And they're going to be like, really? Yup. And they'll be like, well, what nollie's gonna take and they'd be like man it's gonna take us four days and they're gonna be like really yep and they'd be like well what the new denali's look like and then they pull up and they'll be like and then they look at them and they'll be like this oh shit and then they go fucking take the no knowledge for four fucking straight up four days or just like dude all the gangsters

and they know my whole crew wow dude so so yeah so I went and I was really in that bag unit apparently I was really in that bag unit. Apparently, I was really in that bag unit. Dude, I love life, you know?

Oh, you really in that bag unit? I got that. Design is a classic. I mean. Stunt 101. 101. So, whatever, dude. stunt 101 uh so whatever dude so i fucking did that and i stayed there and then i went to do the shows in the huntington and it was so fucking the shows were great the owner of the paramount is awesome dude he was like he was

like uh the nicest guy in the world so So very cool. Shout out to them. Shout out to that venue. It's a really great venue. And he was in New York. And everyone there is from New York. Long Island is in New York. It's insane. But what do you call it?

Fucking, I love it. I woke up this morning and I was like, how am I going to do this podcast? I was sluggish in my babies. I mean, dude, I was straight up sluggish. Sluggish. Couldn't even do it right. So, because I had been sick for like fucking two weeks

because when you're traveling, dude, and you're sick, you can't get better. You like wake up and you're like, dude, I got to get fucking better. I can't get better. What the fuck is going on? But the mucus is just chilling. The mucus is like, dude, we paid rent, motherfuckers. You're like, dude, I got to get better.

But you got to wake up for fucking 5 a.m. to get a flight. And then your mucus is just like chilling. But they don't give a fuck. So they're like. And then your mucus is just like chilling, but they don't give a fuck. So they're like. With the fucking in their Denali's. Mucus in the Denali's.

So I got my mucus packed the fuck up and they're staying. Yesterday I felt good. I shot you. I shot a little bit of you. Drove all the way out to Ontario Airport. Now is it too far? Yeah. But, is it too far? Yeah. But I did it.

And we shot you on Netflix. I got to go back on Wednesday. Not to the Ontario Airport. Not to the Ontario Airport. But I still got to go back to somewhere else. We're on location, my babies. And we're going to shoot. There's going to be a lot of hawking and coughing and snorting and shit this episode. Anyway,

And, Jesus, what else did I do? I did Albany, which is a crazy merch town, dude. They love to fucking eat that shit up there. Did shows at the Egg, which is a crazy fucking egg-shaped theater, which is really okay uh it's a very cool theater uh it's more of like a james taylor vibe though it's more like a singer songwriter shit there's no vibe in there bro when you do the vibe when you do the paramount there's a vibe when you do the paramount there's a fucking vibe you get there and you're like here we go babies it's on but when you do the fucking egg that shit is like you know what's that um um what's that fucking james taylor song i don't even know it doesn't matter dude i don't give a shit. How about that? So I did two shows at the Egg, which is an egg-type dome.

And we went in there and we did it. And it's a nice venue, dude. But it's weird how vibes play, man. Like when you do a gig in a nice, calm venue, the laughing is like this. thing is like this and when you do a fucking gig at like the vic in chicago or uh the wilbur in boston or the paramount in long island that shit is popping them things uh i was at the airport and uh i was at the airport and I was at the airport and we were at Starbucks, me and Mike, my opener

and we were chilling and we got that fucking cinnamon raisin Babel Babel? Dude I'm so mucousy I said Babel instead of bagel it's all fucking with my brain but anyway I went there So, you can see I said Babel instead of Bagel.

It's all fucking with my brain. But anyway, I went there. We went to Starbucks. We got a cinnamon raisin, baby. Cinnamon raisin bacon. And it was a bacon Sagan Fagan. And, dude, it was so good. And we put that fucking cream cheese on it.

Now, I asked for two cream cheeses. Did we get two cream cheeses? No. Did we have to go back and get the second cream cheese? Yeah. Now did he say he was going to... Dude, I was like, hey, can I get two cream cheeses? He was like, oh, you get two cream cheeses.

I was like, really? And he was like, yeah, because you got to pay for cream cheese now. So they've got to figure... They figure they got to give you what their money's worth. And I was like, oh, no shit. I was like, all right, cool. Well, if we're paying for it, then I guess we get two cream cheeses. Then I fucking get the bag and fucking bring it back.

One cream cheese, sure enough. One cream cheese. I love when we have conversations and the whole conversations go down and you just know that that shit's not going to be how it is. And then you get what you get. And it's like when they come by and they're like, hi, would you like club soda? And you'd be like, what do you want to drink? He'd say, club soda.

Would you like a lime or lemon? And you say, no thanks. And you know, one thing's for goddamn sure, they're going to bring the fucking lime or lemon on there. And it's like saying, flally poo, flally poo, because you might as well not say it, dude. It's gangster as fuck to ask somebody if they want lime or lemon, and then you say no, and then you fucking show up with a nice drink crowned with a lime or lemon, dude. Come on. They're just like this.

And they put the fucking thing down, and it's got a crown. Hey, dude, here you go. And you're like, oh, but I didn't say the thing. And they're like, and they pivot and they're just fucking and they walk away. They don't give a shit. So dude, one of the fucking,

one of the fucking comments under this video is I missed the old 50 cent. And then the next guy writes, listen to it, dude. Like he wasn't having that he's like nah you're not listening to the song dude so anyway uh a fucking um and there was somebody else right at least he didn't change his beliefs and attitude like others he always cared about money and bitches. He still does. That's fine.

Okay, so they brought the fucking, I got that cream cheese and cinnamon babings. And dude, I ate it. And we got the extra cream cheese, scooped that up. We ate it. And next to us, dude, there were these two dudes talking. And it was a job interview. And it was, let me tell you something right now. It was straight up fucking awesome.

Because they were passionate as fuck. This guy was interviewing for a job at Starbucks, and this other dude was next to him interviewing him. Passionate as fuck, dude. now starbucks is a company does it have coffee that tastes like literally a cow's mouth? Yes. Is it good? No. Is it everywhere? Yes. Will I drink it?

Yes. Why? Why will I drink coffee from Starbucks when it tastes like the back part of a cow's mouth? Why will I drink it? The answer is because I'm already in one. I'm already in Starbucks. That's why.

That's why. Because you can walk out of a Starbucks and literally be in the Starbucks surrounding that Starbucks. There's Starbucks inside of Starbucks. Well, I'm still in Starbucks. Well, I'm still in Starbucks. And pretty soon you're in a little tiny Starbucks with fucking four foot 11 Acon. And he's like, I'll get a fair patina. Because he's got to be short as fuck because that's how he sounds, dude. Rub it on that Italian leather. I love that. Anyway, dude. So I went to that Starbucks. And, dude, it was so passionate.

And it was so ill. It's ill as fuck when people are passionate about their shit, man. He was like, if you ever have a question, all you have to do is ask us, this is a Starbucks. Because this is a Starbucks. And the other guy was like, what happens if this happens? And he's like, look, it is not a problem with Starbucks. And this happens. Dude, that guy, Starbucks doesn't give a fuck about that guy.

And that guy give a fuck about Starbucks because he's passionate about selling them beans. And that's awesome, dude. Nothing better than that. When somebody loves what they do, dude, I love when someone loves what they do. Because there's so many people out there just doing what the fuck they're coasting through life but when you get somebody who knows what the fuck they're doing and loves what the fuck they're doing like at this guy at starbucks or me on stage or steve jobs doing his fucking thing for apple iphone all right that's enough of that fucking song dude you think fucking 50 cent isn't passionate about when he's popping

them thanks he's so passionate he's not even basically telling you what thangs are. They're guns. So, shout out to that Starbucks over at the Maryland airport. I did a casino in Hanover. Casino gigs are cool. That show was awesome, that Hanover gig. Man, that casino was great. Sometimes you get to a casino and it's bullshit because they don't give a fuck.

Sometimes you get to a casino and that shit is awesome. But it is what it is. It is what it is. It is what it is. Oh, should we do this? Should we do that? Or whatever? I don't know, dude. I don't know anymore.

I don't fucking know anymore. But I'm in L.A., and I'm happy about it. I got gigs in Oroville. They made up a new place, so I got to go. Because that's not a real town, even though there's fucking made up a place called Oroville. So I'm going to go there and do a casino gig. And then I'm going to Daytona and doing a college gig.

And I'm going to play those college kids. You know what's up? Wow, I'm in a giggly mood today. One time I was at this fucking, it was a place called Stanley's, and it was in the valley, and it was on Ventura Boulevard. It was a little bit further than the fucking block I used to run when I was in the valley on Coldwater and wherever the fuck I used to run that joint, dude. And it changed and shit changed, man.

Now the coffee shop is gone. How about that? It's just gone. I went to that old block I used to run and I went there and it was all boarded up. That coffee bean was boarded up. You know how I felt about that? You know how I felt about that? I felt a little sad that my

starbucks my starbucks my coffee bean i'm saying starbucks is not even starbucks that's how much starbucks is around i went to fucking coffee bean and tea leaf and it was gone dude it just had a brown paper all over the fucking windows that they do because they wanted to like hide it i don't know why they try to hide places whenever they go out of business like why can't you why do you have to put that brown paper up? You know what I'm talking about? If there's windows in the storefront, they're like, oh, this place, it's like, oh, this place is dead. We got to put the fucking brown paper up.

Why did they do that? Don't do that. Leave it be. Why are you doing the extra work? Leave that paper. Trees are dying. They don't give a fuck. It's pretty gangster.

Maybe they just close places and use it as like use it as like a sex hut so they put that brown paper up there and then it's just like the last scene and taken but anyway inside that place but anyway i went there and it was kind of sad dude i've been by the way that's how dumb i am i've been there four times since it closed down i forgot it closed down. I go back and every time I get out of my car, I'm like, oh, fuck, I forgot, dude. So I got to go to the Starbucks down the way, which fucking sucks because it tastes like the inside of a cow's fucking. Anyway, so I went to Stanley's and I used to go to that place because they had a pretty banger Cobb salad.

And you know me, I'm all about the Cobb salad if you're, you know, I'm all about the Cobb salad. Because salads suck, dude. They really do. When people say they like salads, get out of here. Hey, you know what? Hey, you like salads? Hey, you like salads? Hey, have you ever tried bread? Dude, bread is so awesome it's unfair.

When we eat bread, our bodies are like, what the fuck is going on? This isn't from nature. What's all this bullshit? How'd you make this yeast rise? They don't know how to digest it. That's why you eat bread a lot. You're fat as shit.

So, anyway, salads suck, but I would get the Cobb salad to try and stay healthy a little bit, you know? And I was at Stanley's once by myself eating a Cobb salad because I'll eat by myself. Because you ain't shit if you don't eat by yourself sometimes. Anyway, I went and I never had seen this before. But the Stanley's thing, the waiters and shit, they came out and it was somebody's birthday.

It was a family. And it was a little girl's birthday. And they came out and they were like, Happy birthday to you. And the kid and the... And dude, you know what happens when that happens. The whole restaurant starts to sing. Okay?

Everyone in the restaurant started to sing except for the family. They didn't give a fuck. They didn't sing, dude. I don't know if it's because they didn't know English or what. They seemed very Russian. You know what I mean? You know how Russians sometimes can look amazing?

It's weird. Foreigners, they look a little bit different. You can tell. It's like how white people are racist when they're like, are you Korean or Chinese? It's like Koreans and Chinese know the difference. White people know the difference between like a white guy and somebody from Eastern Europe. Because it's like this difference. It's like this is a regular guy and this is a white guy and then this is a guy from Eastern Europe.

It's like a little bit different if you're looking at the video. White guy, guy from Eastern Europe. Right? And you could tell the difference. But like Asians or black people wouldn't be able to tell the difference because everybody is racist at their core. That's why when you get older,

you become very tribal and you hang out with the color you are. Ah. You do, though. You do. Look at old people's homes. You'll either see a bunch of white people, a bunch of black people, or a bunch of asian people you won't see people mixed because they just don't

they don't give a fuck they're like i'm not trying anymore give me the whites what color am i what give me that color around me so i went to the so they were like happy birthday and the family didn't start singing dude now now what do you think of when that happens? I don't know, but I didn't know what to think until they got to the point where they just kept singing and singing. Everybody kept singing except the family. They got to the point where the name was. If the family's not singing, you're not going to know what the fucking name was. And then it's name time.

So they're like, happy birthday. And they go, happy birthday, dear. And everyone in the restaurant just goes like this. Happy birthday, dear. Happy birthday. Oh, dude, it was the funniest shit. I was the only one laughing. And the Russian families weren't laughing because Russians

don't laugh. Dude, it was so funny. I think Stanley's is gone too, dude. I don't know, maybe. We used to go, right? Anyway, shout out to Stanley's. I guess it's still going. I just figure everything changes, it's got 142 Google reviews,

because people are fucking Google reviewing stuff, how insane do you have to be, to write a fucking goddamn review online, for real, to write a Yelp review, or a Google, or even besides a Yelp review, dude,

you wrote a Google review, what, who's reading that i never read a google review in my life i read maybe one or two yelp reviews if you wrote a yelp review you're sad if you wrote a google review you're real sad all right look dude what do you got to get two bit breaks here. Two breaks. One break. All right, dude. You know, I was thinking about, man, these fucking chicks on Instagram that just like post basically this hookery shit. hookery shit. Look, if you're trying to get followers as a chick and you're just posting your body and your rump, make no mistake, no bones about it, you're hooking, okay?

Followers is the new currency. You've probably said that before to your friends. If it's the new currency, then if you're posting your rump for followers, you're hooking. All right? And that's it. Hey, guess what? We're done with the convo because there's no rebuttal because that's what it is. Congratulations.

You're hooking. I mean, dude, what I want to know is who's taking these pictures? I mean, dude, what I want to know is who's taking these pictures? If you're a guy, I saw a fucking video on Instagram the other day where they were, the guy, it showed the guy. He was at Runyon Canyon. He was at, I can't remember who's fucking, she's a fan of the podcast, I know, too. And she was showing the video. She caught this guy videoing this girl while she was twerking on Runyon Canyon. And this dude was like all... Dude, when my dad used to take pictures of our family on vacation, he would do it so bitch.

He had the camera and he would be like he would be like this like a bitch like one time we were on a gondola and he was trying to not fall over into the fucking shit into the ocean and he was just taking a picture like this and my brother was like what a bitch and we were laughing and he got a good shot but he was still a bitch but dude the more bitch like you look when you take a photo, the better the photo comes out. You know it. So that's the thing. These dudes are taking pictures of their girlfriends that are, you know,

to get them fucking more followers. Yuckin'. And, dude, they look like bitches, man. And these girls, like, dude, there was this one where this girl was like eating a sandwich that was like big and the sandwich meat and the fucking lettuce was all falling out and it was so goofy she's just a silly girl she's just a silly girl with a crop top on, letting mayo spill out of that fucking sandwich. What a silly girl, dude. How do you get so silly?

Wait, I'm not done with the sentence. You hooker. Period. Dude, so she's eating it, and it it was like and this guy's taking the picture and there was another there was another post of hers way down and she was like you know being so silly eating another thing it's always about food oh wow wow i'm eating a fucking soup look at this my eyes are up to the right because you could that's what you do when a fucking food is so good. You put your eyes up to the right.

You cute ass motherfucker. Be reg. Free conch. You can do whatever you want, but do me a quick favor. Take a step out of the doorway. Gunk. Dude. So this girl was like, swipe left for video.

Video? Of you eating a sandwich? Hey. Hucker. Breaking Bad is a show. I'll watch that. Hey. Oh, swipe left because you want me to

watch you eat a fucking turkey sandwich hey hooker Game of Thrones is starting soon dude there's shows where dragons ignite an army and you want me to watch italian dressing go in your mouth hey hucker there's a four-hour documentary on Michael Jackson licking little boys' anuses. What? Try harder. Develop a talent. Also,

dudes who are following these crop-topped hucks, stop. I am starting the unfollowing. That's

what I'm starting. It's a fucking hashtag, and it's called the unfollowing okay when you see a girl with her eyes up to the right because she's eating some soup hashtag it

the unfollowing and you don't follow these hookers or you ask for their venmo and you send them money but you don't follow a man this is the unfollowing you see a girl in a crop top being silly on a fucking tricycle with her comment the unfollowing hashtag it that's the new shit bro why are we pretending like why are we pretending like this is a job Why are we pretending like this is a job? Get in the car, dude.

Where are we going? Doesn't matter. I got it. Open the windows. Drive by. I'm 38. Dude, come on, man. Swipe left to watch me eat a clunky sandwich? Uh.

Uh. Dude, come on, man. I'm turning the fan on because we're getting hot up in this bitch. It's a Dyson. Dude, it's so insane, dude. Swipe left to watch me eat a sandwich. Dude, have you heard of tony soprano yeah okay i'll throw my goddamn phone off a ski lift dude i'll go skiing to throw my phone

off the ski lift for that. The unfollowing, man. And if you're a dude taking pictures like this for your girl, take a hike, bro. Put a vest with a bunch of pockets on, get a stick, whittle it down, make it three feet, get to stepping. Only walk on rocks, man, because you're a... Take a hike. Push through green brush. You understand me, bro?

Be a man. At least make fun of her when you're doing it. Like, what the fuck are you doing? What is this shit? You know? I mean, I could never date somebody like that. Also, you're trying to get a, like, I don't know. You know, you don't have to get a man, but if you, a lot of girls, they want to find a guy, you know?

You're not going to find the guy you want if that's the shit you're posting, dude. I'm not talking about like model shots. If you're taking a picture of you're up against a wall, just chill, you know, like this and your arms are behind your back and you're fucking all oiled up and you got your fucking, you know, and your mouth's open. That's fucking fine. That's a business. You're a model. But these models will also do the hook-ins. They'll do the hook-ins, dude. They'll eat sandwiches on a couch like it's silly it's nothing silly about eating a fucking food it's what we got to do to live what the fuck is silly about that if that's silly breathing silly

make a post hook make a post where you're just how about about this breathing? Here's me breathing. How fucking crazy silly am I? I'm breathing. Love breathing. The unfollowing. I'm telling you, dude, get out there. Get out there, cult. This is a fucking issue, dude.

Get out there and start the unfollowing. Because it's a problem, dude. It's a big problem. MTV was a big problem when that shit came out, man. I'm not even going to get into that. That's just how I feel, and I don't feel like explaining it. It doesn't matter. Fuck, man.

By the way, what's up with fucking GoFundMe, dude? Let me tell you something about GoFundMe, all right? I went to go, somebody was trying to come to my show, and they couldn't because they had an infection or something. And they had to be in the ICU for like two weeks, and I felt bad. So I got the link. I donated to it, and I retweeted it. And I was like, hey, guys, donate to this baby.

She can't come to the show because of an infection, and it sucks. So I donated fucking $100. You know what? It doesn't matter. Bags, no dents. I'll donate $100 and keep my shit in pristine condition and um you know but whatever i want to help i like to help especially if it's a baby i you know bad she couldn't come to my show. And I went on GoFundMe.

Dude, to do it, which by the way, this is not this girl's fault. This is GoFundMe does this. And I tweeted about it, and of course they didn't respond because GoFundMe. It's sneaky as shit. You know what's the worst kind of shit? Sneaky shit. You know what I the worst kind of shit sneaky shit you know what i'm talking about like gofundme has a thing where if you donate oh fucking god god what the fucking thing installed you want to install every i'm on my computer do you want to install install no i don't want to

install dude so gofundme is like you you go to the donate page and you say, I want to donate $100, right? And it says, 15% tip to GoFundMe if you'd like. And they add it. They add it. So you have to go in and un-add it. And so you say un-add. And then another thing comes up where they say, okay, would you just like to donate the cash amount? Would you just like to donate a cash amount then and not a percentage? And it adds 15% – whatever 15%% was it adds that cash amount so if I it's so it'll say your checkout is $115 you're like what I only wanted to donate $100 they say oh it's because they're adding 15% so okay so take that off and then it'll be like a hunt okay then $100 plus $15

so it's still $115 so you got to unclick it twice, dude. And I donate on GoFundMe. I've done it a bunch of times because good purse. And I did it. And I was like, it's only a matter of time until they get me, until I don't unclick it by mistake. And so I donated this last time. And it said, oh, thanks for $115. These motherfuckers. Hey, GoFundMe needs to change that, dude.

That's sneaky as fuck. By the way, they already make 5% of all donations. So they're already making $5 on that $100. So GoFundMe can go fuck themselves. They're trying to do nice. I get it. But what the fuck? You're not trying to sneak tip.

Why are you trying to sneak tip, dude? GoFundMe, change that shit. For real. That's unethical. And I'm the most ethical person in the world that's fucked up dude gofummy you're fucking if i swear to god and the ceo of gofummy is worth 600 million dollars okay that's too much. What you doing? Dude. CEO of GoFundMe.

Change that shit. Have it changed. Dude, GoFundMe. If GoFundMe had a girlfriend... That's just... That's not cool, man. That's not cool. And you need to change that. So, let them know, babies. GoF not cool. And you need to change that. So let them know, babies.

Go fund me. Let them know. Because they're fucking stealing money from people. I don't even know if 5% is... 5%, by the way, is a high percentage to take from the donation. To keep the website up and running? Okay, fine. Take 2% or some shit to keep the website up and running? Okay, fine. Then why

are you taking 15%? It's bullshit. I'm a chill guy though, you know. I'm like a chill guy. I know sometimes I get nuts, but I'm a chill guy though you know I'm like a chill guy I know sometimes I get nuts but like I'm a chill guy you know I'm just kind of chilling I need to get off this fucking road bro

cause this mucus just keeps on coming baby oh my god I have so many fucking texts. This is bullshit. Wow. I'm popular, dude. Do you ever see texts, like a bunch of texts on your shit and you're just like, oh dude, I'm so popular. Dude, I'm so popular.

You ever wake up with no texts and you're like, oh, wow, no activity. I'm a loser. I was reading this or I was listening to this thing on sleep. And they were saying a sleep cycle is like something like 175 minutes. And you get three. If you're lucky, you get four a night. But if you get three, you're good. And apparently if you wake up in the middle of that sleep cycle, it fucks you up.

But then if you hit the snooze button and then go back to sleep for like three minutes, your sleep cycle starts over again. And then you got to wake up 10 minutes later and then you're really fucked because you're in the middle of a sleep cycle. And apparently it takes four hours to get out of that sleep cycle when you're awake walking around because you're groggy and shit and your mind isn't doing the right thing. And the only way to get rid of that sleep cycle when you're awake walking around because you're groggy and shit and your mind isn't doing the right thing. And the only way to get rid of that is to take an immediate cold shower and fucking shock your body. Now, I'm not doing any of that, okay? Because I tried to take a cold shower. I tried to do it. The more sleep I get, the better.

My friend used to be like, you know, I'd rather get four hours of sleep than six hours of sleep, because that's halfway in between your sleep cycle and six, six, six, six, six. Nah. The more sleep, the better. I don't give a fuck what these motherfuckers say.

So, I did it. I hit the snooze button, because I was too tired to get up, and then I fucking went to go take a cold shower, dude, it's really hard to do that, it feels like you're dying, it feels like your heart stops,

like Tony Robbins gets up and has that little cold pool, that he goes into, now of course he's a raving lunatic. I mean, be passionate about your job, but bro, also slow down. Tony Robbins' face, you know? Tony Robbins' face. Who's got the crazier face? Tony Robbins or Steve Harvey?

If they both met the face gods would be like the fucking the wire meme the guy from the wire meme oh I will they would they should remake the movie face off with Tony Robbins and Steve Harvey I'm'm Caster Troy. I'm Caster Troy. I'm Caster Troy.

Oh, wait. That's not... That's fucking Snake Eyes. I don't know. Nicolas Cage. He's so much the same in so many movies. I love Nicolas Cage.

Nicolas Cage is the shit, dude. He bought an eagle and a castle. Okay? So Nicolas Cage is my favorite person, turns out. He bought an eagle and a castle and he's not Cersei?

Dude, the fucking picture that they made on the internet where Nicolas Cage's hair is a fucking eagle is the most disrespectful image on the internet. It's cool how he said disrespectful. It's cool how I'm fucking up all the words today. Anyway, it's better to just wake up whenever and fucking sleep more. I don't give a shit.

I don't know. So much science though. Everyone's always, so many podcasts about science, dude. How Nicolas Cage blew 150 million on mansions, a private island island and a real dinosaur skull okay you don't need to say that there's no body in that that's the title alone you figure it out go up i mean what the fuck how nicholas cage this is how I write this article. How Nicolas Cage blew $150 million on mansions, a private island, and a real dinosaur skull.

Body of the article, if I wrote it. That's what he did. By Chris D'Elia. Dude, first of all, mansions? Okay. That's a lot of money. Dinosaur skull? Okay. More money than the fucking mansions probably. There used to be an infomercial.

It's probably still on. I used to watch infomercials all the time. But my brother and – were you there? We would go, a lot of money. When they were investing, it's all about investing. And the guy said, and you can make a lot of money. And we went, and now we always say,

a lot of money. Family shit's the shit. And even like extended family shit with your friends and all that. God. You bored at work right now? You listening to the podcast? Thanks guys

I don't know how to fucking I don't know I got a few days in LA I'm fucking happy about it dude I don't know how my life turned into Oh three days in LA? Fuck yeah I get to relax I don't know how my life turned into that i used to be like no uh don't only book me once every two weeks and then my agents will be like okay and then they'll do it

and then they'll be like well we got a college gig and i'll be like well i don't know i said every two weeks and they'll be like yeah but this is how much they're gonna pay you i don't like bags all right and i do it and that turns into well that's close to this you can do this the next day and then bags and i'm like okay bags and then i bought a new thing and so i'm like okay bags okay you know i'm like a little bit like a little pump and it's like okay i gotta show up to the fucking you know i don't really, I don't really even really spend that much money though. That's the thing.

I don't. So I should just be taking it easy more. I was talking to Harlan Williams recently, who's really funny and really good. And he was like, oh yeah, I don't do the road that much. I do it like once every two weeks, buddy. You can't do it too much. You're going to go crazy. You're going to go crazy, buddy. How did I take the summer off? I just take it off, eh? Because I got to take it off because I just enjoy being in LA in the summer, you know? And he was with Tom Green. It was the most Canadian fucking conversation I ever had in my life

Me and Tom, you know, we have barbecues in the summer, you know We've known each other for 35 years Hey So you gotta take it off, it's good for your brain As long as, cause here's the thing, here's the other thing Do you, do you Do you buy lots of stuff, right? No Yeah, see, I just, I just need a I just, I have what I need Do you buy lots of stuff, right? No.

Yeah, see? I just need a... I have what I need. I have a place in Florida. I go there. I go down there. I just hang out. For like the month.

Calm down. It's so Canadian to invite a guy that you kind of know to your house. I mean, I would say I'm for sure Harlan's buddy but he's just like yeah come down what if I was like yeah when I'm coming that's the thing when people invite you places how much of it is bullshit is just to be like the quote-unquote nice guy I'm not saying that's what Harlem was doing, but people do that. Like, yeah, come stay. Okay, when? When?

What's going on? I got fucking clothes in the car. How about April 16th? Okay, cool. I'll be there. I'll get the flight. Really? Okay, cool.

Yeah, I'm going to stay with your family. This is a fucking Bill, who's the old guy that everyone pretends they like? Bill Murray. This is a Bill Murray thing. Bill Murray. By the way, I say pretends they like? Bill Murray. There's a Bill Murray thing. Bill Murray, by the way, I say pretends they like, not because Bill Murray isn't talented as fuck. He's great. But Bill Murray is the pizza of actors. Everyone's just hopping on this shit.

Oh, I love Bill Murray. No, you don't. What's a Bill Murray movie? He was in Stripes. Uh-huh. What's another one? Oh, he did Caddyshack. Okay, what's another one? I don a caddyshack okay what's another one

i don't know cool man see ya you're hooking oh let's do a fucking uh what do you call it misconnections what what what uh town we going to reno oh that's a good one wow i Wow. I'm sure that's a lot of fucking, a lot of weird shit goes down in Reno. I mean, dude, the title of this one, Don with the stuffed tiger. Two exclamation points, Reno. We used to get together from time to time. You have a giant stuffed tiger. Let's get together again. Take my time.

Cheers, D. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Dude, what? Is that an innuendo? Stuffed giant stuffed tiger? Or does the guy actually have one? Sounds like maybe the guy's got one like on his wall. We used to get together.

Take my time. What does that mean? Fucking? Take my time. Cheers. Americans who say cheers because they went to Europe for fucking three days. Oh, cheers, man. What do you say cheers for?

Oh, yeah. No, sorry. Fuck. They do that in Europe and I was just there, and I just got used to it. My bad. It means thank you. I'm a piece of shit. Okay.

So I'm very, very impressionable. I'm not a person. So when I go somewhere for three days, I hear cheers, and now I say cheers because I'm the blank. What's the next one? This one's subject is K, just the letter K. It's been about a month and a half. Maybe one day we will meet again. Much love.

Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Hey, man, could you be vaguer? Much love. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Hey, man, could you be vaguer? Be more vague and then also say, do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. What?

That's all you're going to get because you're vague. It's been about a month and a half. That could be me. Oh, yeah, that was a month and a half ago. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that thing was a month and a half ago. Everyone had a month and a half ago except for someone that was born a month ago. One day we will meet again. A night.

One day we will meet again. One day we will meet again. Okay. It's been a month and a half. Maybe one day we'll meet again. And then much love. Dude, imagine for real saying much love to someone. Dude, one time my friend said much love to me.

I swear to God. I swear to God. My buddy Sam said much love to me. And dude, me and my other buddy Dean heard him. We laughed so hard. Holy fuck, we laughed so hard. My buddy Sam is so 90s. All he wears is black and he's got the longest hair.

And his name is Sam. And he's always so goddamn serious. It's so funny. Like no matter what we're doing, we'll be at the diner hanging out, having a good time, laughing and shit. And I'll be like, no, because that's why I like you guys, bro. Because you guys like are like you guys keep me like young, you know, because you're comics. And like I laugh. You guys make me laugh.

And like I just like you need laughter in this world. And we're like we were just talking about getting fucked in the ass as a joke. Oh, I know. know but seriously much love and then dean and i fell on the ground much love dude what's next steve's reno any couple Reno. Any couple going to Steve's place today, hit me up. 50s Fit Clean Hung. Bro, just text Steve. Who is like, I'm going to my buddy's house. You know what? I'm going to go on Craigslist and see who else is going. Text. You know what? I'm going to go on Craigslist and see who else is going. Text Steve.

I mean, what kind of backwards shit is that? Hey. Hey, text Steve. Do not contact me on solicit services or offers. Hey, man. Text Steve. do not contact me on solicited services or offers hey man text steve fan made right here got a new sign back here do not do not contact me on solicited services or offers um any more or no yeah Oh, this one. Oh. Oh, wow.

This guy says gal in it. So he probably just started to use. You know why you know he just started to use Craigslist? Because he said gal, and anyone who says gal is over 80. Hello, my honey. Hello, my baby. Hello, my ragtime gal. Send me out until maybe my heart's on fire this one's miss and this is how another you know this guy just started using

no misspellings and fucking everything is in long form miss you charlemagne to my late night summertime gal, to my late night summertime gal, I sure do miss you Charlemagne and the sweet love we would make, oh, oh come on dude, who the fuck wrote this, R.L. Stine,

dude who wrote this, who wrote this? Who wrote it? You ever see that fucking guy? I'll play that after this, but I sure do miss you, Charlemagne, and the sweet love we would make. I still remember when we were young,

sneaking me into your dad's house and fake those long showers to when I moved out and had you over for those lust filled nights, kissing you from your own, from your neck down the late night drives to the Hills to smoke and have our long talks. Oh, a lot of misspellings.

Actually, I miss our summers together. Hopefully you come back this summer. I truly missed the company needing my charlemagne do not contact me on solicit services office dude the fact that he's like the love we would make i still remember we were young sneaking into trying to be all fucking and then uses instead of r-o-u-r he says a-r- Hey, fucking idiot. Text Steve. What was that fucking YouTube video, dude?

The weatherman? You have it? Okay. Bro, I'm going to play a video of a guy who so fucking doesn't get out much. It went away. What was it? Weather. Mark.

The guy's name is Mark Mathis. Okay. Oh, wow. What? Weatherman? But there's a bunch. Which one is it? This one, I guess.

Charlotte, North Carolina. I want to meet this guy. Dude, this guy. Oh, wow. This guy has a bunch of crazy ones. But the who wrote it one is the funniest. I think it's this one. Yeah.

I think it's this one. Throw the picture up behind me again. Do we have the picture of the bride? No isn't it hang on a second one moment please a little technical issue just gonna get fired do we have it i just want to see if i've dated this girl before yeah oh yeah we dated i know how to pick them. How are you, honey? What is this right here, though? I have no idea. Is that like a Superman tattoo?

What is that? Rolling Stone's lips, you know. Right about now, she's like, oh, man. This guy fucks with only a blazer on, no doubt. There's no doubt he fucks with only a blazer on and never hasn't. Lost in Virginia when he was 12. Had a blazer on. Yeah, I'm going to find it though. It's somewhere in the volume.

What should we do here? Let's just go back. Huh? Yes. Where can you go? Oh, God. This guy's a weatherman. To get married to a man.

Where can you go? Really? Hawaii? New Jersey? They can get to New Jersey. When he did that. Boston? Massachusetts.

Massachusetts? Hey, man, you're a weatherman. When did he do that? Boston? Massachusetts. Massachusetts? Hey, man, you're a weatherman. Should I just move along? Is this kind of a sensitive subject for everybody? Good gosh. Did the whole place just get quiet or what? I mean, dude, Steve Farley character. Come here. Hurry, please.

Please hurry. This is very crucial. Seriously. This is from Old Navy? No, no. What's underneath? It looks like it's from Victoria's Secret. What are we wearing, Rick?

What are you wearing? Are you letting these people wear around here? Dude, she says, I'm not showing it. I mean, why are you trying to get her to take her fucking shirt off? Ah! Please, hurry. She's so uncomfortable. This is from Old Navy. No not no no what's underneath it looks like it's from victoria's secret what are we wearing rick what are you wearing that you're

letting these people wear around here rick what are you wearing that you're letting people wear around here so has no idea what he's saying also say, bro, say it's cloudy. Tell us the low point. I need something. Coming. And that's the way the weather is. Whether or not you like it, I just it what's the i mean dude are you listening to this the guy i mean there's no let me tell you something right now if he's a straight

man there's no way his wife isn't cheating on him period because and because of the way he's acting, which definitely helps, but his face. His face is that of a man whose wife fucking cheats on him all up and down the block, dude. She fucks neighbors straight up. Like, it's not even that secret about it. What? Come here. Come here. Again.

Here. Here. Here. Dick. Here. Dick. What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong?

I don't understand why you're picking on me. I'm not picking on you. Nothing's wrong with my shirt. It's just that you're an easy target. You're right there on camera one. Three. Three. You're on camera nine. Do the weather. Oh, slammed him.

Whoa. Camera one. that's three. You're on camera nine. Do the weather. Oh, dude. You're an easy target. You're right there on camera one. Three.

Three. You're on camera nine. Do the weather. Oh. Ooh, sexy. Oh, God, the guy's so annoying, dude. Fuck. That's what she said to him right there.

God, this guy. You're right there on camera one. Three. Three. You're on camera nine. Do the weather. Ooh. Ooh.

That's it. I like it. I like it. That's it. What? Sometimes y'all are just as amazing. An asshole. You know what the truth is? This guy for sure has a record.

There's no doubt this guy doesn't have a record. Redundant. This is Fox weather. Dude, this guy is Fox Weather. Dude, this guy is so annoying. Imagine being at a party with this guy, dude. I'm going to go to the one that I like, though. Here we go. This is the one that we would fucking laugh at. Me and One Fire would laugh at so much.

And my brother. Fuck. and one fire would laugh at so much and my brother mark mathis fox weather dash charlotte comma i mean you know this title here we go all right here we go this is the one hot in here i'm taking off all my glow that's a song got it wrong. Right. Get exciting every time. But when I act like a fool, remember the rule. If you want the forecast, watch Channel 9. Yo, yo, word. Oh. Dude, the best part about that is, first of all, he's going.

So white. Dude, the microphone. You know what I mean? It's just like. You didn't run. Yeah, I did. Remember the microphone. You know what I mean? It's just like... The microphone. The guy's voice. Yeah, no shit. Why does he say poem? This guy, dude.

Just don't be that way. I mean, what egging and on, you know? God, this guy is so... You know what this guy... It's so unreal, this guy. He's chicken. He's scared of me now. God, this guy is so... You know what? It's so unreal, this guy. This guy. He's 40, you know? Here's more.

I mean... Like they're showing a clip and he's just screaming over it. Wow. like they're showing a clip and he's just screaming over it wow doctors figure that flushing your pipes once in a while kind of cleans out the system and protects you at least once a day is that what we're calling it now gotta flush them out it's like your lucky weatherman here is going to live to be 150. Anyway, go watch this thing. It's Mark Mathis, Fox Weather, Charlotte, and see if you want.

But we're closing out, dude. We're done here for the day. Thank you for listening, babies. I'm going to go over. Remember, you can get the Chris D'Elia app. You can watch the podcast before anybody. The first few minutes of watching the podcast before anyone. We've got Cleveland coming up, Albuquerque, Santa Fe, Phoenix.

Phoenix is the biggest show I have ever done so far. Phoenix is like 5,000 people Tucson Greensboro Charlotte Durham Newport News Oakland Las Vegas Des Moines Sioux Falls so many Fargo Edmonton Victoria BC Hoover

Alabama Memphis Tennessee went on sale Chattanooga Tennessee Knoxville Tennessee Tarrytown, New York, Atlantic City, New Buffalo. Didn't even know there was a place. Chicago. Yeah, San Jose. Anyway, guys, Las Vegas. Go get tickets now.

Going to sell out. And subscribe to our show. Oh, by the way, those last few dates that I mentioned, the Knoxville, Chattanooga, Memphis, those are all pre-sale right now. But they're going on sale soon to the general public. Support the show by buying merch at store.christalia.com. Bag unit stuff is selling. And we have another new design coming very soon, which is fucking awesome.

It's a really nice shirt that is a very cool thing. And you can get your gift cards to the store as well. Just click the link on the gift cards. Subscribe to the YouTube channel and watch all the shit that I'm on on Netflix. And second season of You coming up. We're shooting it now.

You guys rock. Thanks very much. And remember the unfollowing. Alright guys, take care. Congratulations! Congratulations, motherfucker! You killed the man! You killed the motherfucker! You killed the motherfucker! You killed the motherfucker!