Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 113. Brahdellee-ahtaht

Episode Date: March 26, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about getting blowback for making jokes. Also discussed: Millie Bobbie Brown, extreme feminism, set life, loud plane talkers, and a brand new Uncle Vinny story. Plus, we do a Bakersfield edition of Missed Connections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Oh, yeah, dude. Episode 113 of Congratulations. Oh, yeah, dude. Episode 113 of Congratulations. Never thought we'd get past three, but here we are, 110 weeks later. And we're sitting here.

I got back. I'm back. I literally came back. I was on the road. I was in Oroville area in Northern California. And then I was in the, what do you call it? which is Saturday or Sunday, I will be in Lexington, Kentucky. April 4th, Albuquerque, New Mexico. Santa Fe, New Mexico, April 5th. Phoenix, April 6th. And Tucson, April 7th. Then we got, um, some going on in North Carolina and, uh, Las Vegas and Des Moines and Sioux Falls and shit. But those are the next coming up.

Uh, there's a few tickets left in Lexington and a few left in Phoenix, um, which is the biggest show, um, I've ever done solo. Um, so that's very cool. So I was on the road in Oroville, which is, I don't know, man. It's in the middle of nowhere. Apparently they got hit bad with some fires. I didn't know about that, but I did the casino there. And that casino, the crowd was awesome.

We did it in a gymnasium. Oh a oh wait no that was the fucking college dude all these dates blend together did the did the casino it was awesome had a good time uh and that place was just uh in the middle of nowhere dude we got there there's great crowds but there were it's whenever you go do a casino gig, it's like there's always – I don't know what it is about casino gigs that they're just sitting there with the face where they're just waiting. Just waiting to either win or die. That's literally what they're waiting to do, is to just win $4,000 or just die. And they're just sitting there pulling the thing. Ring, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Ring, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And they're 40 but they look 55. And that's why they pay performers to come in because a lot of the time they'll get a younger crowd to come in and then they'll lose a bunch of money. So it's worth it for them. Casino gigs pay fucking B.I. is eggs. And so anyway, so I did that and then i went to daytona uh which is so funny dude when you get to daytona it's like the only thing that it has is the fucking date daytona the

the daytona fucking 70 000 or whatever the hell it is daytona 4 000 1 000 6 000 the daytona andre 1,000, 6,000, the Daytona Andre 3000. And it's so big. It holds 100, Daytona 500. And it holds 100,000 people. And you land, and the airport's small as fuck. And when you land, you can literally see the Daytona 500 NASCAR shit from the airport. And it's so, it's like, i cannot imagine the airport during that time i can't imagine there's got like six gates and a hundred thousand people are coming in to see this shit the daytona 500

and it's just so fucking florida dude it's like the mix of florida and the south it's like that's what daytona is it's the mix of florida and it comes up and it joins the south which is like the most and they literally were just like well all right let's race around the track 500 times fuck it we're to florida and we're to the south we just got a race around 500 times how many people you think you watch we watch this shit we don't know fucking a few and then all of us and then they just kept building and building and they built an airport just so many fucking seats man that thing looked amazing i don't know how to watch uh cars drive around i know it's hacky at this point to

talk about it as a comedian, but it'd be like to watch these guys just drive around and I get that it's intense and shit. And I, you know, when they call it a sport, it's hilarious. It's driving. It's not fucking, by the way, dude, I'm not saying it's bad.

It's a, you know, it's a race. But to call it a sport is weird as fuck to me. The second you get behind a car, sports are gone. Unless you're playing baseball in the car. Unless you are throwing a ball in the car. It's not a sport. And I'm not saying it's bad.

Dude, I mean, I'm just done with the internet by the way i fucking tweeted you know sometimes i tweet shit people get pissed off it's just getting worse and worse sometimes i just tweet shit and i'm like the other day i tweeted on twitter they were like oh the the women's uh it's the first time w WWE is headlining, women are headlining. And the WWE fucking whatever it is. What is it even? It was the, what? Yeah, WWE first time, here it is. Breaking.

Yeah, WWE, first time, here it is, breaking. WrestleMania 35 will feature the first ever women's main event when Ronda Rousey, Becky Lynch, and Miss Charlotte battle for the Raw Women's Championship. And I just tweeted on top of it, retweeted it, and wrote, still fake though. And like, the amount of people that were just like, you motherfucker. Like, dude, it is fake.

It is fake. It's not real. It's literally like saying the sky's blue. So these people are like, so is every TV show and movie ever. Well well why don't you say when movies are fake why don't you say i i don't but you know what if you did i wouldn't give a fuck uh if someone's, yeah, but, you know, Austin Powers is fake. I, okay. Yeah. Cool.

Who gives a fucking shit? You know why you're so sensitive, wrestling fans? Turn me up in the headphones. You know why you're so sensitive, fans, about wrestling when people say that it's fake? Because you are pretending it's real that's why so what if it's fake so what movies are fake but nobody's fucking giving a shit they get so bent up because they they know By the way, they know it's silly. That's why they get bent up.

Because they know it's silly. Because they're 40-year-olds wearing spandex with hair that looks like it should be on Axl Rose. And they know that it's silly. If you don't... Look, you can be a fan of wrestling. It's not... I don't even hate it it's i i you know it's a fuck it's a spectacle it's not hurting anybody it's fine i don't give a shit i don't i tell you what i'd rather watch wrestling than fucking football but it is fake so if you're gonna say oh you fucking fuck you you don't yeah but you don't say movies are fake

no i i i i mean i i i would say movies are fake i just didn't and and if somebody did i wouldn't give a shit so if you're telling me i mean dude this guy I don't even know so many of these people somebody wrote so is every TV show and movie ever and I wrote you seen cops

why do wrestling fans get mad when you say it's fake because they've heard it a bunch before okay because you know it's silly there are a fucking bunch of hairband looking beefcakes with white boots on putting faces in nuts that That's what it is. And the announcers are like, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, watch out. No, no, watch out. It's all fake. Uh-oh, here he comes. He's up on the ropes.

Uh-oh. What? Saw fake. Oh, how's he going to get up from that? I know how. Saw fake. Somebody wrote, just because it's, uh, what somebody wrote just because it's uh what somebody wrote like dude somebody wrote chris delia fuck that guy and i looked and his whole profile was like wrestlers and shit like dude get fucking bent like what why i'm not even hating on it that's the thing

people just assume the that's my whole thing that's when i talk about like i say like well i'm gonna tweet whatever fucking people are gonna take it the wrong way no matter what but it's like you know i understand there's still a responsibility and shit like people got mad with that the unfollowing thing i did because i was saying you hucking which you are and it's all good and some girls like this is no not just some people i don't even know if there were girls or not but they were like you you know you're you're you're giving uh uh bullies a platform to shame sex workers. Okay. Oh, why?

I'm just saying if your tits are out and you're acting like it's a fucking talent for somebody to unfollow you, that's all. Hey, it's just unfollowing. Yeah, but you don't understand what the fucking... Dude, I can't police what everyone listening to me or anyone else is doing. This is comedy. If you don't like it,

there's the door, dude. Walk that way. If you don't like it, walk that way. If you don't like it, go like this. La, la, door, dude. Walk that way. If you don't like it, walk that way. If you don't like it, go like this. La, la, la, la. It's so fucking simple. I mean, dude, I can't believe this shit. The benign shit that people tweet.

And then the other stuff that people get mad at. The outrage that, even like Barbra Streisand, what she said about Michael Jackson's accusers, it was laughable and idiotic. It was so dumb that I bet she doesn't actually mean it. Why doesn't people, why don't people just assume

oh, she slipped up, that's not what she meant. Okay, she was Michael Jackson's friend i guess i don't even know but she didn't mean that and then she clarified her shit and people like nah she's still canceled dude how do you not assume that that's not what she meant up front what'd she say about the fucking victims they obviously wanted it or something she's an idiot that's dumb it's fucking dumb to say. They were fucking 13.

Of course it's dumb. She knows. She has to know that it's dumb. You have to understand that people just say dumb shit and then that's it. She apologizes for her remarks. There. Barbra Streisand apologized on Saturday for saying that two men who accused Michael Jackson sexually abusing them as detailed in the documentary were thrilled to be with him.

You could say molested, but those children, as you heard, say they were thrilled to be there. She continued, they both married and they both have children, so it didn't kill them. Look, that's dumb as fuck to say. She knows that. As soon as it came out of her mouth, she knows that. Why do we have to be like, nah, cancel her. Oh, and she apologized. Nah, I don't give a shit.

That's what she said. Fuck off, dude. This whole fucking, this whole culture of, oh, they're done. What'd you say? What'd you say? Done. What'd you say? That's what you said?

Done. You hate wrestling? You said wrestling's fake? I'm not a, disagreeing with somebody and this is not the barbara streisand thing this is the fucking wrestling thing if if you're a wrestling fan and you heard me say and this is just the example i'm using i just because it's me and it happened to me and it's the most recent one but if you're a wrestling fan and you're upset with me or a comedian saying yeah but, but wrestling's fake, though.

And then you think, well, I can't fuck him. I'm not going to be. Hey, dude, you're a pussy. It's that noise you're making. Is it sloshy? Because you're a pussy. Don't, you know, because someone disagrees with you comedically, by the way, you can't be their fan. I hear sloshing.

Get your umbrellas out. I hear sloshing. sloshing. You're mad about the silly hashtag unfollowing because I jokingly told people to unfollow a girl eating a messy taco with her fucking tits out. I hear sloshing. Catch your umbrellas out. Because if you're on a balcony and I'm under you, I need to get my umbrellas out. Or put a towel down because I hear sloshing. Because you're all wet between the legs. Relax, dude.

Relax. Just relax relax it's fine this is comedy and it's fine it's even fine when it's not comedy if you just relax trust me and you know why trust me I'm a goddamn cult leader. That's why. You're fucking up the moment for everybody, dude, to just be so mad at somebody, what somebody says on Twitter. I mean, it's unbelievable, dude. It's un-fucking-believable. When I saw that wrestling thing, it's unbelievable, dude. It's un-fucking-believable. When I saw that wrestling thing, it's unbelievable. And by the way, it just makes someone else bigger.

I was surprised that when I tweeted this, I didn't get shit on. This girl, Ashley Engel, feminist, says, fart rape? How crazy are... Well, that was what they wrote, the person who posted this originally, but fart rape. She writes, By farting louder, the man is using passive-aggressive violence to position himself as dominant. This intimidates the woman to subconsciously not release as much flatulence, and thus the woman, fearing for her safety,

doesn't fart as loud as a sign of submissiveness. This, in turn, contributes to rape culture and women being oppressed. Huh? Hey, farts. Hey, it's just farting. Why does everything have to be a global issue? Hey, I just flew shit particles out of my ass. It's not a global issue because I have a penis.

Dude, fart rape? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. dude fart rape uh uh by farting louder the man is using hey dude how about this chick hey chick have you met women women fart dude i used to go out with a chick that used to blast them fucking harder than me. They'd come out like rap of a pap. They'd come out like broadly. That's how it would sound when it came out. My shit would just be like, and she would just be like broadly on the couch. A fucking fart would come out.

I swear to God, it would have notes. My shit was just rap. Her shit would be like broadly. would have notes my shit was just rap her shit would be like broadly i thought that a fucking i thought that michigan j frog was coming out of her ass i thought she was spreading them and some fucking frog with a top out was going to be like hello my baby hello my darling hello my ragtime gal broadly out that uh rodley out did you do it and my shit would just come out like. And her asshole was singing about a fucking ragtime gal. Hey, dude.

Bye. Bye, dude. See, even people when they read shit like even Ashley Jud Judd rolls her eyes when they see shit like this. It's like, dude, you're fucking up everything else for the real people who are victims of stuff. See ya. It would be great if I had to go on after her and she did that and I just took the microphone, put it in my butt and did broadly at that. Excuse me, everyone. I'd like to respond to Ashley Ingle broadly at dot excuse me everyone i'd like to respond to ashley ingle broadly at dot

the other thing is too like feminists are a good thing and you're making people think they're a bad thing okay relax pass gas fart as loud as you want lady fart as loud as you want, lady. Fart as loud as you want. Oh, the other thing I tweeted, that this guy, see, this guy deleted it. This guy posted a video of him putting a video in somebody's face. a video in somebody's face and and

this is funny I didn't ever see this somebody said when your favorite rapper from day one is a dick and this kid who for some reason it bothers me that he's white I'm a white guy and i

i don't like when white guys gang up on white guys but like this kid just looks like a fucking he looks like one of those white guys that's just kickable you know and he fucking puts it in some i don't even know what the rapper is i think it's earl sweatshirt was that who was he puts it in his face and he's like what's up and he goes like this pop ear Earl sweatshirt. Was that who was, he puts it in his face and he's like, what's up? And he goes like this, pop Earl sweatshirt goes, pop knocks the phone out of his hand. You win Earl sweatshirt. Nice to meet you,

dude. Chris, Leah, we're boys because dude, don't put a fucking video in somebody's face. Just ask for a picture, you dick fuck. So I retweeted it, just ask or you're the dick. Because, dude, like, and then he's going to put them on blast.

You are the asshole. And then he deleted it because everyone's like, dude, just ask. And then somebody fucking replied, for real, you even took it for me under mine and it shows me with somebody's phone taking a picture of me and brendan shub with them and then somebody tweeted ladies and gentlemen we got him do that meme ladies gentlemen we got him is the funniest meme i And by the way, this guy who tweeted that about Earl Sweatshirt that smacked it out of his thing and tried to expose him. This guy tweeted the N-word like fucking five years ago. Granted, he was probably two back then, but whatever, dude.

Everyone fucks up, okay? But dude, it was that whole, we got him. Ladies and gentlemen, we got him. dude it was that whole we got him ladies gentlemen we got him when fucking what's her name the girl with three late names who plays 11 on stranger things my Millie Bob a lot Millie Bob Thornton when she fucking when she was like I

text Drake all the time he texts me all the time and she's like 12 and Millie Bob Thornton was like yeah he's great we love him he were friends he was like yeah he's great we love him he we're friends he was like when are we hanging out or whatever the fuck and then it just goes it cuts to the Osama bin Laden shit and he's like ladies and gentlemen we got him and it fucking goes kiki do you love me and they play that song like disrespectful like Drake was probably just being a nice guy you know But they're acting like he's a pedophile because

Millie Bob Thornton was texting him. Dude, that's so funny. Fuck, dude. I mean, the internet is so funny, but also so fucked. That's the thing. It's like, you could look up anything, and then there's just, like, such hilarious memes. I mean, up anything and then there's just like such hilarious memes i mean and then also there's people saying cancel you and end your career because you made

a joke about fucking toucans you know whatever fuck it damn we're. I didn't even fucking look at notes, dude. I didn't even fucking look at notes. But yeah, all, put it this way, dude. All comedy offends someone. All of it. There isn't a joke out there that doesn't offend someone. Because it's making fun? And then the second, you know, if I make fun of refrigerators, someone somewhere who just bought a refrigerator is going to be like, well, that's fucking actually not cool because yada yada. Okay.

All comedy offends someone. All of it. All of it. So what are we getting offended for it either comedy exists or it or or it doesn't so if you're saying i'm offended don't say that no not cool cross the line then what you're saying is don't do comedy basically because it all offends someone. So you're saying, yeah, but because it offends me, I'm more important than the other people who it doesn't offend, so don't do it. That's what you're saying. It doesn't matter if you're arguing about, if you're making a joke about refrigerators or HIV or a fucking handicapped person. You have to, comedy has to push the push the envelope otherwise you don't know where the

fuck it is where's that line and then it doesn't grow you ever see shit in like comedy that took place in like 1920 you ever see that shit you look at it and you're like this shit was what people were laughing at i mean kings and queens and shit in europe they used to laugh at a jester just like and and you will see that now you're like what the fuck that shit's horrible because comedy involves and that's because it pushed the envelope and it made people sometimes cringe sometimes not laugh sometimes get upset but that's because that's why shit is so funny now dude because of those motherfuckers if it wasn't for lenny bruce you know another guy maybe would have done it but so you got to have those guys they jailed that motherfucker you can't go backwards

and you're not going to by the way it's not going to happen so just relax, dude. They're words. Whatever. All comedy offends somebody. So stop being upset because if you are upset, I mean, you're just saying what your feelings are more important than someone else's. And they're not. You egotistical piece of shit. You egotistical piece of shit um here we go ads uh i've been acting on this show um you uh i'm doing two or three or four episodes of this um or five i'm not telling you how many. But yeah, I'm on season two of it.

God, you know, I've been doing so much road and podcasting, really, that I forget how much bang for your buck acting is. How little it is, rather. Like, you go in, you do a scene,

and it's hot for two or three times, and then you've got to do it 13 times, because they they got to shoot it from all the different angles and it takes all day and i'm just like sitting there and i'm like looking at my phone staring at it just like for no reason just looking at it like some fucking crack addict because i got nothing else to do and i'm making friends there but i know that it's not going to last. That's the thing about being an actor. When you're in stuff, you think, oh, man, these people are going to rock. These people are going to be my friends for life,

because you're so close to them on set. You're talking to them all day long, and then the second you wrap, you never talk to them again, straight up. And you want to, too. It's all good intentions. You're like, I like those guys, but you just are like, what am I going to do? They're working still. I'm not. Or now they're going to fucking New Zealand to shoot the seventh installment of Lord of the Rings, whatever it is. And I'm just in Kentucky, Lexington, Kentucky, doing stand-up. What am I doing? Am I going to text? Why? I guess.

But then you fall out. Like I did a movie with Donald Faison, shout out, and Kyle Bornheimer. Love those guys. I've talked to them three times since that happened four years ago. We did that movie. That's just the life, you know, it's, it's kind of weird how, it's kind of weird how boring acting is, unless you're doing a comedy, I guess, but I mean, I've done dramas, and it's like, you know, I did a movie where a girl, where, you know, I was the caretaker of a girl dying from cancer, Cara Delevingne, and I think that's coming out in the fall, by the way. But, like, dude, she's acting crying all the time, and I have to pretend like she has cancer all the time.

And then the director yells, cut, and we're just like, I guess I'll go get some almonds at craft service. You don't just turn it off immediately. You know? It's just weird how boring it is like how you don't realize like the revenant dude i didn't see it because it's seven hours long but imagine how bored and how boring it was for leo justing around with a bunch of, by the way, fur and blood all over him and no lines, just walking around looking at the sky. You know how boring that is?

Really fucking boring. And where do they shoot it, by the way? Leo was probably flying chicks in and out and shit. You have to. If you're a fucking... What do you do? Do I do heroin? What do you do?

You can't, though, because you can't be high on the... Acting is weird, bro. It's so weird. Like, we're all just pretending, and then we get awards for it. We, I say we like I ever gotten a word for acting, but people just get awards for acting. And it's just like, yeah, good job. You played the fucking guy. You pretended you were that guy for a second.

Hey, you pretended you were that pilot for fucking three months. 50-year-old. Here's an award. You changed lives. Like, yeah, I guess you do. But it's like, hey, man, you pretended you were a guy for fucking three months. Here's a gold statue with wings on it. Like, that's some weird-ass alien shit.

I mean, I don't know. Bro, my buddy that I travel with, Mike, who opens for me, is so weird. I know I talk about him a lot here, but like, I told him, like just normal shit. I'm like, hey, I'll say shit like,

like this is what happened. Somebody tagged me in Nate Diaz's Instagram post. He put a cut together promo shit like he's fucking fighting, you know? And it's like, it's got a Tupac song over it and it's got my voice cuts in and he's like, Nate Diaz. I said, I guess I said it on this podcast, but I was like, Nate Diaz looks like a guy that you wouldn't, you don't want to fuck with. And somebody tagged me.

I was like, well, that's crazy. Nate Diaz posted a video where fucking Chris Lee, his voice on it. And I was like, no shit. And I told Mike, I was like, yo, you know who Nate Diaz is? And he was like, nah. And I was like, really? He's like one of the most popular UFC fighters. And he was like yo you know who nate diaz is and he was like nah and i was like really he's like one of the most popular ufc fighters and he was like oh i don't follow that shit and i was like oh okay cool uh and i told him about it i was like it's just fucking it's it's it's it's cool you know because that happened and he was like yeah and i was like you don't think that's cool and he was like i don't know i yeah i guess i don't know and i was like you don't care i was like and then i and i just sat there in silence because we were ordering a coffee and i was like, you don't care. I was like, and then I just sat there in silence because we were ordering a coffee. And I was like, yo, you're a fucking weirdo, huh?

I was like, you never get like, and I don't even really like, it wasn't even like, you know, that shit happens to me. I get it. I'm in the fucking zeitgeist of podcasts and fucking stand up and like people know who I am. And, you know, somebody made that video. I don't even know if Nate Diaz knows fucking that I, that's my voice or whatever. Maybe somebody just put it together for him. I don't fucking know. Maybe Nate Diaz is a fucking huge Chris D'Elia fan.

I got no fucking clue. My point is I told my opener and anybody else would be like, oh, cool. That's fucking cool. Like if somebody told me that, I'd be like, oh, that's cool. Even if I didn't think it was cool, I would be like, oh, that's That's fucking cool. Like, if somebody told me that, I'd be like, oh, that's cool. Even if I didn't think it was cool, I would be like, oh, that's cool.

You think it's cool. You know? And I was thinking of like, if I told any one of my other friends that, they would say, oh, that's fucking cool. And at least register it or let it affect them

in the smallest way. But so I was like, how come you, so you straight up don't give a fuck about that? And i was like how come you it's like so you straight up don't give a fuck about that and he's like i don't know no and i was like so you don't care that i think it's cool and he was like whatever he just said your name or you just said on the thing and i was like yo that, what do you care about? And he was like, I don't know. It's cool like if like the Lakers or the fucking, if they win a championship,

I'm like, yeah, but that's about winning, you know? What are you affected by? I was like, what if you've got a girl and she's proud of something and he was like yeah i don't know like i would i would be like oh congratulations and that's great because that's what you should say and i'm like dude that's what you should say i was like so you don you don't care? And he was like, I guess nah. And I was like, dude, that's so fucked up to have no sentiment,

like no sentimentality, no... I don't know. And then I thought about, I can't imagine him being like, hey, how was your day? Like when I ask, if i ask my girl or my friend or whoever the fuck hey how was your day i give up i i want to know i want to know what kind of mood you're in i want to know how your trip was to the bahamas if i ask my cousin

my fucking mom my my my dog whoever the fuck, anybody, if I'm asking you the fucking questions, I give a shit about it. I'm not this fake fuck that's just sitting there on a couch at Jay Leno or whatever, you know, how these people are like. I'm like, yeah, always. I remember seeing who I love, by the way, Jennifer Garner. Like, I think she's really sweet. I mean, I don't know her at all, but just the fucking shit she puts out in the world. She's a positive person but one time i was watching her on jay leno and she was like he was like so how's it working with um she was doing a movie like elijah wood or some shit and she was

like oh he's just so great and i was like yeah but how do you really fucking think you know i get it you're saying your couch bullshit but how what do you really feel about elijah wood and i was like you got to be real you got to balance it with realness now that's why a fucking comedian is i always wanted to be a comedian because like you could get away with saying the real shit in a funny way but it's all love because it's comedy you know what i'm talking about and it's weird that my buddy mike who's opens for me is a fucking comedian but he doesn't have that you you have i mean he has a little bit of it he's not a sociopath by the way he's not a psychopath i mean i did ask him a bunch of fucking questions about this shit and he was like no like that's what you do though. You say, good job. And he's like, if my, if my, uh, uh, nephews graduated, you know, school, it would be cool for them.

But like, I don't know. It's just what you do. You graduate school. And I'm like, you wouldn't be affected by that. Them growing up and loving them and being like proud of them. He's like, I don't know. They should graduate. And I'm, I was like, wow, man.

And then I was like, how many times does your dad hug you? And he literally said once. And I was like, there's your answer. Maybe I shouldn't be saying all this shit about my opener, but whatever. God, he's got fucking anger problems, my opener, huh? Really does. He's got some fucking real issues, bro. But whatever, dude.

We all got our shit, by the way. I'm fucked in other ways, you know? But still. It was just making me think about shit because I, you know, to have that sort of, I guess it would be called emotional intelligence, maybe some of it, but like I don't have it in spades. Like, like, like I did Dak Shepard's podcast and the amount of people that listen to that podcast are like, whoa, they just love how introspective and how open and honest he is.

And I appreciate that. It just always surprises me how much people like that. You know? And I don't... Like so many people were hitting me up like, oh, it was cool to hear you talk about, you know, the real side of stuff. And I'm like, really?

It's cool to hear that? But I'm always like, but yeah, but it's, but I don't know. Like shows like that undeniable show. It used to be with Joe Buck and now it's with fucking, what's his name, Dan? Whatever the fuck it is. Who? Yeah, Dan Patrick. One higher. It's with dan patrick and like but like people love hearing about boxers and shit that came up and like well how they came up and like

my whole shit is like yeah but box you know like all those fucking movies and shit about what it's really like to be a comedian and documentary, I should say documentaries about like, yeah, but the dark side of what it's like being a comedian. Hey, tell jokes. That's how I'm always like. But people love that shit. They love it. And there is a place for it, obviously. I mean, Dax Shepard's podcast

is on fire. It's awesome. But whenever I'm on a podcast like that, I'm always like, am I being boring? People love that shit though. Go fig. Go fig player. Go fig player. I was on the plane coming back,

dude. I was on the plane coming back from, uh, what do you call it? Where, you know what wherever the fuck i was i daytona i was on the plane coming back hey man look if you're a guy or a girl that talks too loud on the plane you deserve to not eat for three days or no you deserve to not eat the whole day three days is a lot dude when you're on the plane straight up shut the fuck up shut the fuck up

people are on the plane just like well you know you know, I talked to him the other day and, you know, he said he'd have the reports in and, you know, he didn't and it's fine. But, you know, we'll get it and it'll all be fine. But my issue is if he's going to say he's going to do something and he doesn't do it and everyone in the fucking cabin is just looking at each other like check out this fucking asshole or or even worse it's it's a woman even worse it's a woman because they've got the voice that's like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you know when a woman has a fucking yeah it's like guys for some reason guys as annoying as fuck guys will just be like this talking like this but when women do it it's just like me and you're like oh for fuck's sake is a dolphin in 3f oh for fuck's sake is a dolphin in 3f yeah so i talked to her and i and yeah yeah

i look at him dude guy or girl i i straight up look at him i go like this i do you think i'm fucking joking. I look straight up. I look at them, and they're always in like a fucking button down. If you're a, and with, be fly, comfy, motherfucker. In a suit, you know, guys. Relax, dude. Yeah, so, you know. And this guy was in front of me, dude.

First of all, he was 65. So you know how to live, right? You've had 65 years of doing it. Don't you know how to live? And he's just talking to the flight attendant, and the flight attendant is talking back like he doesn't have 150 cups to fill with ice. And this guy's just, yeah, because when I usually fly from, oh, dude, really? Oh, when you usually fly, you usually.

When you usually fly. You know how boring the sentence begins? How boring the sentence is that begins with, well, when I usually fly. Hey, flying is boring. That's why most people sleep during it. Plane talkers, dude? Fucking dude. He was doing jokes.

And the flight attendant, by the way, was like loving it. They were the same age, so they were like It just drives me. And it doesn't even have to be talking to you. If you're talking loud around, practice touching your top lip to your bottom lip. Practice that 30,000 feet in the air. Only talk 5,000 feet above to sea level. 5,000 feet above sea level to sea level, that's where talking happens. If you're

above 5,000 feet, zip. Okay? Or if you're on a fucking tube, a long, big-ass tube. That's the thing. People will get at 6 o'clock in the morning. was another girl i was flying to wherever or or no it daytona that's where i was flying to from or from sacramento and she was just like in in in line boarding and i was already sitting down and she was and i looked up dude me up just loud as fuck just just stay quieter we all hear you if you're like this why do you have to me up mop it dude and he was fucking the guy dude and the guy was just because when i when this when i i i the guy said i more than fucking i i when i he literally looked at the guy next to me he said hey do you know the point to his tv and he said you know the code to get porn on this oh jesus christ man

you know what dude you have to fake laugh at it and that was just the worst i'm in the i'm behind him literally just like this i hope he looks back so i can just go hey dude when was your ninth birthday because oh oh it already happened oh then you know not to do this hey man what did you just get for your ninth birthday what do you mean what did i just get i'm 67 oh dude my bad I thought you just had your ninth birthday because you're doing what you're doing. What kind of cake did you have? That's what I'm going to ask anytime someone does loud playing talking.

From now on, I'm going to turn to them and I'm going to say, hey, what kind of cake did you have? Or, hey, how was your ninth birthday? And when they look at me confused, I'm going to say, oh, shit, dude, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were as old as you are because you're doing what you're doing. My bad. Imagine if you really did that to someone. How fucking utterly mind fucked would they be? They wouldn't get it, first of all, but you would. And then they might get it like they'd't get it first of all but you would and then they might get it like they'd be on the rest of the flight they'd just be like i think he was saying that i shouldn't be talking all loud and maybe i should know that because i'm 65 and it's 6 a.m

and other people are tired oh my god plane talkers go to lunch dude get a fucking library card you know go to the fucking public library I can't see the time people just get weirder as they get older though maybe that's it maybe that's what it was um one time when i was fucking nine speaking of which no i wasn't nine. I must have been, well, fuck, it must have been ten. We were waiting. I was with my Uncle Vinny in the car waiting for my Aunt Joan to get

out. She had a meeting and my Uncle Vinny was picking her up. We were sitting in the parking lot and the parking lot was all just empty. It was like a Sunday or a Saturday. She worked for Hallmark. That's the most auntie place to fucking work, by the way, Hallmark. She worked for Hallmark. And my Uncle Vinny, the guy who has two wallets, you know, that I tell about, that drinks fucking, what is it, Wunderburg? Nice.

We were waiting for her. I was with my brother, and I'm'm 10 and my brother's like fucking six and he was like, my uncle, he's great. He's just the silliest motherfucker but he was just like, you guys,

how old are you? And I was like 10 and my brother was like six and he was like, you guys should learn how to drive. And we were like, what? And he was like,

here, come on, get in the driver's seat. My uncle Vinny says and I was like, what? And he's like, here, come on, get in the driver's seat. My Uncle Vinny says. And I was like, nah, nah, nah. He was like, no, come on, get in. You got to learn sometime. Go back.

This way you get back to your dad. You tell him you learned how to drive. He's like, yeah, but there's no one in the parking lot. Come on. I was like, nah, I'm too young. I'm telling my fucking 45-year-old uncle, I'm too young to drive. I'm 10. And he was like, nah, come on, get out.

Made me get out. I look back at my brother. My brother was like this. First time ever in his life he went like this. He's six years old. First time ever in his life he went like this. You know? What kind of fucking six-year-old is go is supposed to go like this

you got me he gives me a you got me face you're not supposed to do that till you're like 20 19 anyway um so my brother's sitting there in a diaper just so i'm like i don't want to disobey my uncle he knows best i guess okay he makes me get out with people i walk around the car he gets in the passenger seat and he was like okay now what you do is and i'm still like uncle vinnie i really don't want to do this i don't want to feel i'm just i don't i don't want to i'm telling him i don't i don't it's gonna be fine he's saying yeah i was like yeah no he's like nobody's in the parking lot i know but he was like you got it do just do it so he said put your foot on the brake so i was like yeah no he's like nobody's in the parking lot i know but he was like you got it do just do it so he's like put your foot on the brake so i was like all right

barely reaching it brother sweating bullets back there probably shitting his diaper and he was like now keep your foot on the brake put it in drive and i was like what's that he's like well you just move this like this, and then moved it. He's like, keep your foot on the brake. Now, what you do is you let the foot off the brake, then the car's going to go a little bit. Keep your hands on the steering wheel and guide it where it's going.

Nobody's in this parking lot. I'm still like, Uncle Vinny, I don't know. He's like, just do it. Come on, you got this. So I let my foot off the thing, and, you know, the car goes a little bit, and I'm a little nervous because it goes kind of fast, really, if you're 10. So he's like, now hit the gas. And I was like, no, I'm good, just coasting.

And he's like, no, hit the gas. So I hit the gas a little bit. And it went, you know what I mean? Because I don't know how hard it fucking does it. He's like, okay, not so hard. And I was like, okay. And then I start coasting. I'm still coasting a little bit.

He's like, now take a turn. And I say, no, no, I don't want to take a turn It's fine to just go straight He says just go around this little island In the parking lot huge parking lot little islands I was like I don't know He's like so turn right now what you're going to do is turn right I'm turning right Now as I'm turning right

He says now what you got to do is you got to bring the wheel back over left And I'm like what He says bring it back over left And I what you gotta do is you gotta bring the wheel back over left, and I'm like, what, he says, bring it back over left, and I let go, and he says, you gotta bring it back over left, and I was like, bring it up, and he says, hit the brake, and I hit the brake, I almost hit the fucking thing, and he says, put it in park, and I put it in park, and he says, get out, get, get out, and I'm like, okay, and he's mad at me now, he's mad at me now. He's mad at me for not listening to him. I'm 10. I didn't want to be behind the wheel of a fucking car.

So anyway, my point is that's probably why Mike is fucked up my opener because he's never had experiences like that you guys want to do uh what is it uh yeah okay bakersfield um um Bakersfield. Misconnections, right? Here we go, my babies. One sec. Okay, here we go.

I mean, dude. When there's a typo in the fucking header is the best okay it says into sissies first of all that's fucking so but the

sissies is spelled with an apostrophe s into sissy is he writes in the body where are they spelled with an apostrophe S. Into sissy is. He writes in the body, where are they? Latino looking for fun with them. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers.

Into sissies. By the way, what even is that just like a he's like no a guy that's always like ew if like sauce falls on their fucking hands a guy that's just like if a car drives by really loud they're just like is that is that a sissy this guy's looking to fuck those kinds of guys uh my shirt untucked the guy's just like yeah i want to cum in that guy oh my feet hurt yeah i want to fuck that guy that guy i'm into sissy is all right next one oh my god dude how do you fuck up the header hey what's going? Ah, Hey,

what's going? The guy's so fucking horny and jacked that he didn't even finish typing the word on. Oh my God, dude. The first sentence of this, Hey, I mean the first sentence of this makes the header even better.

Hey, what's going? So what's on, ladies? So what's on, ladies? By the way, he missed going in that sentence. He's like, look, you get one going. You got to use it wisely. And you get on. You get one on and one going. You got to use it wisely. And you get on. You get one on and one going.

Hey, what's going? I guess I'll use it with, so what's going? I guess they'll assume the on is after that. And then, so what's on, ladies? I'll use the on there. And then they'll figure out the going because they already heard it in the first one. Mail here seeing what's up on the Craigs. I was just thinking about how I fucking hate when guys do this.

When they shorten the noun and they put the in front of it. Dude, I was thinking about this yesterday. It's the most frat guy shit. I fucking hate it. When they say Justin Bieber, they call him the Biebs. Or HIV. They say the Hiv. My motherfucker.

My motherfucker. That fucking hurts my heart. It's so not fucking funny to me. Because it's cuda shit. It's you heard somebody do that and now you, oh, I want to do it to my shit. I'll make it work with my shit. It's so not fucking it's so cringy to me when somebody says hey how's it going on the cast for the podcast it's so fucking cringy dude

um any ladies from age 21 to 35 down to meet up for NSA hookups what's that nuts NSA NASA oh yeah no strings attached that's right I've I've on get rid of fucking comes through I've on keep yeah dude discreet and safe hookups hit me up if you're if interested with a subject other than the title of this post see ya it's nice he fucking says bye at the end do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers uh ow this is a thug

for real on the down low like he would never admit this to his homies you could tell just because of the way it's fucking the post is the title is looking to get my ass ate it's eaten this guy's fucking gangster though looking to get my ass

ate looking to get my ass ate like Looking to get my ass ate. Like he's afraid to tell the rest of the gang members like, yo dawg, where we get that? You ever do that? Will you find someone to do that? Looking for someone to eat my ass for a while and make me come a few times. I am married, top, very

DL. Send number and stats and first email. I like how this guy is right down to it. Looking for someone to eat my ass for a while and make me come a few times. I'm a married top,

very down low. Send number and stats in first email. Stats. I'm going to write back and write. My slugging percentage is 520. I've got 40 assists. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers.

Okay. Oh, whoa. Dude, I love... Oh, my God, it's so awesome how you can tell who the, who the foreigners are. And it's not because of typos. It's because it's shit like this. First of all,

this is called Sonic Drive-In, which I guess they met at, they saw each other at a Sonic Drive-In, which is a burger place, in White Lane. You wished us a safe trip. I'll miss your beautiful face. Foreign.

I wanted to swallow your cum in my dreams. Foreign. I was the younger, more fit old guy. And rounding it out with the foreignness. The foreignness. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. I mean, I want to swallow your cum in my dreams. You can do that without them.

Just a guy's fucking... Hello, want to swallow your cum in my dreams? You wish that's a safe trip. And he's just like this. What I want, you got. Just fucking... Just fucking... Just fucking... It's a song! Ruining my career straight up.

That's the best, doing the face like that. Doing it like this, and then just doing this this when the fucking music gets in like this. Oh my God. Dude. Wow. It's so funny how real it gets when you do do that, not that I've ever done it, because I'm Christian, but when you do do that, when you see porns and shit, like no matter how gangster the girl is, about like taking it,

and I've never watched porn because I'm Christian, but, when you, when you fucking, when the girl's like, yeah, yeah, you know you know yeah and then the fucking the fucking the the the the spurt happens and they're just like like surreal immediately like so porny and then surreal immediately oh Oh yeah. And then it's like, they're going to say, wait, oh fuck. All right. That's good with the fucking misconnections in Bakersfield.

Bakersfield's gangster. Um, ah, shit, man. That's a good laugh. What about that's a good laugh, bitch. That's it, I guess, you know. So we got it, man. We fucking got it, dude. Download the Crystalia app. Didn't go live this time because it wasn't working. Needed to download the new way to do it. Support the show by buying merch at store.crystalia.com. Also, where are we going here?

We got dates coming up, my babies. Some cult meetings here in Lexington, Albuquerque, Santa Fe, Phoenix, Tucson. Those are the ones coming up. Tucson, Edmonton, Fargo. Subscribe to the YouTube channel, please. Tweet me. Watch all my stuff. Video episodes go up a day after the audio podcast.

Video episodes go up a day after the podcast. Audio podcast. That's it, you guys. Thank you so much. You guys rock. See you later. Congratulations. Congratulations. Rock. See you later. Thank you.