Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 115. Conchichi Monkeys

Episode Date: April 9, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about a local Albuquerque news segment. Also discussed: Kodak Black/T.I./The Game/Tank, Boyz II Men. We name an elder, and we do a Bay Area edition of Missed Connections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. A question, actually. So, hey, what's up? It's Chris D'Elia, and here we are. We're live on my app. Let me go through some dates here that I got coming up. Some cities and some dates. Durham, North Carolina. There's a few tickets left. Las Vegas. I'll be there on April 26th. Des Moines and Sioux Falls. May 2nd and 3rd. Fargo, May 4th, Edmonton, Alberta, May 18th, Victoria, BC, May 19th, Memphis, Chattanooga, and Knoxville, that's the 27th through the 29th, Tarrytown, New Buffalo, Michigan, Chicago, Illinois.

I got all these coming up. San Jose. So that's what I got coming up. And we have to make sure. Why are there two cameras? Are we doing two angles now? No? Okay. There's just two cameras for no reason. There's one dummy cam. So we hope you enjoyed the April Fool's joke that we did on your ass, babies and whatever Theo calls his guys, gang, gang. We had a lot of fun doing that shit.

And, and we, I, who knows if we'll do it again. Maybe we won't, but either way, we hope you liked it. We both got more fucking, we, I mean, we should just switch each other's podcast to be honest but because it's like uh it just fucking did so well broke the internet as they say uh but it was really fun and it was really cool to do uh whatever but you know i was on the road in albuquerque dude i want to start this fucking show actually by doing this. This is so funny, man. Okay? There's a weird...

I've got to the point where no matter what I say about anything on Twitter, somebody's offended. It doesn't matter. It really sincerely doesn't matter. We live in a really sensitive time. A lot of people are pretending that their feelings are hurt and a lot of people's feelings are actually hurt. um i just i don't think about shit my twitter isn't really for comedy it's just for me doing dumb shit like i don't give a fuck about it you know so uh

i tweeted i was in the albuquerque airport and the uh and my flight was delayed for about two hours. And it was just – I was looking around at just how weird Albuquerque was. Albuquerque is so Albuquerque. Like there's so many fucking – like the artwork is just so – I don't even know what to call it. It's like every other fucking painting is of a stick figure like this, you know? And like Tetrisris like pyramids i don't know where they got that or what the fuck it is you know i i figure it's very mexico inspired but um i just tweeted bro albuquerque you know i've been to some shitholes but holy god you make jacksonville look like paradise whatever jacksonville albuquerque you got some great people actually i had a great time in albuquerque doing my show

but once i left the show where am i people live there for some reason and it's all good now here's the thing dude if i'm in la fine somebody says they fucking hate los angeles i go like this oh cool if i'm from new jersey i'm from montclair new jersey if somebody says hey i'm i'm from montclair new jersey sucks i go like this that's it i don't get my feelings hurt because i am not my place and if someone says hey you suck sometimes i get my feelings hurt but most of the time i go like this huh grow your skin all right so i tweeted this and i didn't even think about it because i was just in the airport and i was just like jesus christ this fucking place you know imagine living here it made the news.

Pissed. Pissed. There's an ad. Fuck this ad. Never go here. Fuck ads on. It's always a woman with this voice. As a medicine.

Close that. Get out of here. This is what it said on the. I made a set. It was a segment. Dude, this is the funniest fucking thing. Good afternoon. Albuquerque has been a punching bag for a few celebrities

as they've made their way through town. The latest, a well-known comedian who bashed the city after playing at a city-owned treasure, the chemo. News 13's Rebecca Adkins is live there. First of all, you call your fucking theater chemo, which is how you help cancer. So all of a sudden, your place is making me think of cancer. Okay, where are you playing? Chemo.

Okay, cool. Cancer. Let's do this show. Let's rock out, guys. Hey, hey, cancer. Oh, cool. Let's rock out, guys. Hey. Hey, Cancer. Ah, cool. Let's rock out. Here we go.

You guys ready? What are you playing? The Cancer Dome. Oh, oh, oh. Now, here's how bad fucking Albuquerque sucks. I'm playing the fucking thing, and it won't play. Even the website is, like, done. They probably took it down because they heard I was fucking around with it.

God damn it, motherfucker. What's going on here, dude? Why won't it play? Video will resume in 15 seconds. It says to fucking play. Why won't this play? Oh, God damn, dude. You know what?

This goes back to my shit. If you're going to invent something, make it work. Oh, it's not playing I did I refreshed why won't this work this is how much Augbert Kierkegaard sucks the website won't even play

alright I'm going to oh here we go alright what is this dude oh my god these ads Sucks. The website won't even play. All right, I'm going to... Oh, here we go. All right. What is this, dude? Oh, my God, these ads. Door Company, keep your garage door and opener functioning properly. Call the genuine, the original, the Overhead Door Company today.

The Overhead Door Company, cool. All right, I'm just going to let it play. Good afternoon. Albuquerque has been a punching bag for a few celebrities as they've made their way through town. The latest, a well-known comedian who bashed the city after playing at a city-owned treasure, the chemo. The cancer dome. Rebecca Adkins is live there with what he said and how people are responding. Rebecca. There's a lady live at the place.

Well, Kim, according to ticket sales, this is where Chris D'Elia performed last Thursday. According to ticket sales, this is where Chris D'Elia performed last Thursday. But well. According to ticket sales? What? Just Google it. They're acting like they did so many fucking, so much research. Well, according to ticket sales. What do you mean? Because fucking 1500 people bought tickets to see me?

That's not according to ticket sales. Just look. Well, according to ticket sales and geographical location of where the chemo theater was and Chris D'Elia's flight plan. Dude, my computer's broken. Yes. Yes! My computer's broken, dude! And you know, you need one fucking thing for this shit, dude. And a goddamn computer's broken, man. You know what, dude? This fucking sucks, man. Dude, I just want one goddamn thing.

You know what, dude? I've been working so fucking hard, man. I've been going, I've been flying back and forth in fucking cities. Bullshit, I mean, I was in Albuquerque, dude. I was in goddamn Albuquerque. I was in fucking Albuquerque. I was in fucking Albuquerque. Computer crashed. No bullshit.

My computer crashed. I'm pissed, baby. Woo! What is it? It just fucking done, dude, here. One fire, dude. Flying solo, bitch. Dude, I want one thing to work, dude.

I'm fucking... I went to albuquerque i went to santa fe which is actually really beautiful who knew dude it's so beautiful it's like heaven you go to santa fe i swear to god and i went to i went to uh you go to albuquerque and when i was talking to people to albuquerque they're like where you going next i was like santa fe and they were like oh good luck you know what dude Do you know who you are? Santa Fe's beautiful, man. If I die, if I died and woke up in Santa Fe and Jesus Christ was like,

you gotta live here for the rest of your life, I'm like this. Smooth sailing, dude. There's hot springs. There's fucking 10,000 waves. There's a place called 10,000 Waves where you can just go and chill and hear water falling and get massages and it's a spa and you live there, dude. You can live there. I would go there. you live there, dude. You can live there. I would go there.

That's heaven, dude. My fucking computer's broken because I tried to check a website about Albuquerque. That's how fucked Albuquerque is. It's a virus. And, you know, and so I went, and so I'm there. I'm in Albuquerque. I'm in Albuquerque.

I'm in Albuquerque. I'm in Santa Fe, New Mexico. I'm in Phoenix. By the way, Phoenix. I love Phoenix, dude. Every time you go to Phoenix, dude, I swear to God, Phoenix is the number one place where groups of people wear the same thing and hang out and walk around together. It's unbelievable. You'll walk around.

You'll see ladies with, like, blue shirts on with, like, you know, a shoulder fucking – what do they call those things that generals have for no fucking reasons? You'll see, like, four ladies with white pants and fucking blue shirts on with, like, those general – what do they call those fucking – epilepsia. Having a fucking epileptic seizure. Not even a joke, you know, just trying, just you do the joke. So a fucking, you'll see a bunch of guys with just like some red Ohio State shirts on for no reason and they're just walking around.

Dude, I swear to God, I saw more people, I saw more groups of people wearing the same shit than i saw anywhere else in in total in my entire life in the one day i was in phoenix and i want one thing for the fucking thing for the thing to do i want i want this to work and i got to travel all around the world i have one day in la i come i land shoot for fucking you because i'm going to do season two. I'm shooting all day yesterday. Okay? And then I come here, I got to do my podcast. I got one day in LA to do all my errands. And I got to

do my podcast and the computer doesn't work. That's all I ask. That's all I ask, dude. I got to get my fucking car towed yesterday. It's been in my driveway for three days, I mean three weeks because I haven't had a chance to call fucking AAA. I called AAA. They get my car.

They fucking hook it up to the fucking tow truck. Guess what happened, dude? No bullshit. They crashed it. They scraped it. The bumper is broken. It's a chip. It looks like a fucking chip tooth with some kid you'd know in like fourth grade

named Quadir. And I had a buddy when I was in elementary school. His name was Quadir and he was in second grade. He had a chip tooth and dude, his name was Quadir. And he was so good

at talking shit to people. He was so good at making fun of people. And I was like, hey, Quadir, this guy's making fun of me. What should I do? I need to make fun of him. What should I call him? And he was like, oh, shit, man.

I was like, well, you're really good at it. He was like, just call him a big bunch. He said, whoever's making fun of you, I will never forget this. He said, whoever's making fun of you, just call them a big group of dumb Conchichi monkeys. What's a Conchichi monkey? Is it a real thing? Just call them a group of Conchichi monkeys. What's a Conchichi monkey? Is it a real thing? Just call them a group of Conchichi monkeys. Quadir, dude.

He said, man, just call them a group of Conchichi monkeys. I was like, Conchichi monkeys? He was like, yeah. I said, okay. And then the guy was talking shit to me. I was like, hey, man, you know what? You're just a conchichi monkey. Anyway, I want the one fucking thing.

So they crashed my car. And then the lady called me up. And she was like, hi, do you want us to fix your car before we? Because the reason why I called AAA was because the tire was flat. And they were like, do you? And I'm not. Oh, and guess what, dude? I'm not changing it.

I don't have a spare anyway. so that's out the door anyway. But she was like, oh, do you want us to fix your bumper before we take it in, before we bring it to Audi to have them do the tire? And I was like, fix the bumper? What are you talking about? She's like, oh, there's a little scratch. I was like, nah, nah, because I just figured it was mine. She was like, oh, okay, well because we we did this and that

to it and then it ended up scratching i was like hold on you did it she's like yeah i was like okay well i want yeah well then i need you to fix it are you kidding me what happened and she was like she sent me a picture of it bro it's it's it's got a fucking dent right in in the it's like big and so i i uh so i was like yeah you got to fix that and they were like okay we'll fix it i was like no you're bringing it to an audi approved body shop and they're like oh no we could do it i said no no no that's not how it goes so they're like okay let me get in touch with my supervisor. Hey, man, supervise it all the fuck up, man. I don't give a shit. Anyway, dude, these problems seem so

nothing. But my point is I want my goddamn computer to work. So here is what happened. Good afternoon. Albuquerque has been a punching bag for a few celebrities. They've made their way through town.

The latest, a well-known comedian. I was on stage when I was on stage talking about Albuquerque has been a punching bag for a few celebrities as they've made their way through town. The latest, a well-known comedian. I was on stage when I was on stage talking about Albuquerque. I said, you know what Albuquerque is like? It's like a place. Oh, no, I said this in Santa Fe the day after. I said, you know what Albuquerque is like? It's like if the whole world blew up. And then they were like, okay, well, I guess we've got to start from scratch.

And then nine years later, this is what they had. They were like, it's kind of impressive we did this in nine years, but also it's not as good as it was. That's what Albuquerque is like. A post-apocalyptic nine years after the apocalypse. That's what Albuquerque is like. And they're like, yeah, we only got the buildings this high, but we have a fucking theater that we called chemo by mistake and it's right next to fucking cancer mart hey we have the fucking tumor valley uh fucking what do you call it the tumor valley

fucking i swear to god dude i can't remember words and shit what is the fucking house that the tumor Valley. Fucking, I swear to God, dude, I can't remember words and shit. What is the fucking house that moves mobile home? Um, dude, I'm so fucking,

so this is what I, so then I said on, on Twitter, I was making fun of Albuquerque because if you live in Albuquerque, you got to know where the fuck you live. Don't pretend the shit isn't Narnia. The buildings go this high. You got to crouch down to get into any place.

Ash the city after playing at a city-owned treasure, the chemo. News 13's Rebecca Atkinson is live there with what he said and how people are responding. Rebecca. There's Rebecca, always with the way too long pause. Hey, newscasters, dude. Jump on the last sentence if you're in the field jump on that last sentence jump on it we're going live to this is me we're this is me if I'm a newscaster we're going live to Crystalia in the field uh to see what some of the locals have to say about, hey, guys, how's it going? I'm cutting them off.

I'm feeling it out, dude. Rather than, that's way better than, we're going live to the field, Chris D'Elia, to see how locals feel about what he said on Twitter. Hi, how's it going? I just want to, dude, that's too this too long man i could eat lunch in the middle of that pause that pause is so fucking long a baby came out of it so so stillia performed last thursday but while he was here he had some sort of a bad experience. No, you're bad news. I didn't say I had a bad experience. I just said Albuquerque. Then it goes and throws a little bit of my Netflix shit. I'm coming out on stage.

Actor Chris D'Elia is a big name in the comedy world. I'm going to throw a little bit of shade by just calling me an actor. You know what I mean? By letting me know, you know what, dude? You say other people's lines, dude. He performed at the Chemo Theater. Yes, sir. I know I look like a tired eagle.

I don't like how you laughed at that, to be honest. It was his second time in Albuquerque, but something on this visit left a bad taste in his mouth. Who writes this shit, you know? It's amazing. But something about this visit left a bad taste in his mouth. By the way, they've shown the theater in this video 14 times so far.

Get more footage. So much of this shit from the top. Dude, this is such a news. To get to the top of the theater and then come down. At the chemo theater. But something left a bad taste in this comedian's mouth. He tweeted on Twitter that Albuquerque wasn't good.

We've talked to some of the locals to see what they have to say always fucking panning down dude just show it you don't have more footage just because you're moving the camera we can tell dude guess what every time they do this too they fucking come down and there's a parts plus auto parts fucking car drive by same footage also parts plus auto parts if parts is in your fucking title twice change it parts plus auto parts come on down to parts plus auto parts where will parts if your parts and parts that'll be parts 50 please parts plus auto parts dude too many p's parts plus auto parts plus parts partum depression parts partum parts

piss in the piss parts parts dude get it together albuque. You have a fucking auto place called Parts Plus Auto Parts and also a theater named after cancer. Dude, even Death Valley is like, we wouldn't have done that. What? Even Regina, Saskatchewan is like, wow wow they fucked up with their titles and we rhyme with vagina dude regina are you kidding me that's like naming your city pox cock pox suckers hey guys where you from pock suckers wait what like did you say cock suckers no i said pock suckers that's a place because regina is a place i gotta start over the fucking goddamn thing and now the ad's not working great because because i waited too long because the because albuquerque is obviously in some sort of deficit that now I have to watch another fucking ad for the overhead door.

It's fucking – the overhead door is what this fucking company is called, dude. Look at these places in – look at these places in... Serving hot, fresh, and authentic Japanese cuisine. Look at these places in Albuquerque. Exotic flavors. Fresh choices. Oh, fresh choices. Fresh choices. Okay.

Good afternoon. Albuquerque has been a punching bag for a few celebrities as they've made their way through town. The latest, a well-known comedian who bashed the city after playing at a city-owned treasure, the chemo. News 13's Rebecca Adkins is live there with what he said and how people are responding, Rebecca. Well, Kim, according to ticket sales, this is where Chris D'Elia performed last Thursday. But while he was here, he had some sort of a bad experience. Come on. less Thursday, but while he was here, he had some sort of a bad experience. And Thursday night, he performed at the Chemo Theater. I know I look like a tired eagle. I mean, I hate this joke already. I don't like how you

laughed at that, to be honest. It was his second time in Albuquerque, but something on this visit left a bad taste in his mouth. Left a bad taste. Here comes Parks Plus Auto Parts. After his performance downtown, he took to Twitter to take a jab at Albuquerque, saying, I've been to some blank holes, but holy God, you make Jacksonville look like paradise. Good delivery, by the way. Post has been retweeted almost 600 times. Jacksonville look like paradise.

I mean, imagine if that's the way. I wish she said, bro, Albuquer if that's the way I wish she said, bro, Albuquerque, you know, I wish she said that part. You make Jack. She didn't say that blank holes.

Good afternoon. Albuquerque. Come on, dude. Play Turkey saying I've been to some blank holes, but Holy God, you make Jacksonville look look like paradise the post has been retweeted almost 600 you know what man i wish i said something besides paradise just so they had to before i put the tweet out i was like what's better than parrot what's a funnier thing than

paradise but i was like who gives a shit paradise is what everybody knows i wish i i wish i was more creative now that they fucking said it it would have have been so much better. You know what I mean? Albuquerque, you know. He took to Twitter and said, I've been to some blank holes, but holy God, you make Jacksonville look like the inside of a sloshy pussy. You make Jacksonville look like

it makes the sound slosh when it walks. Times. I just thought that was pretty rude of him. It was kind of unnecessary to bash a place that you're attending. This guy doesn't give a fuck. People we spoke to weren't too happy about what he said. I mean, dude, why did they ask this guy? It was kind of unnecessary to bash a place thought that was pretty rude of him it was kind of unnecessary to

bash a place that you're uh attending people we spoke to weren't too happy about what he said it's pretty crazy they don't give a fuck people we talked to weren't so happy oh i mean applecookie's not that bad you to go to, like, the good parts of it. Albuquerque's not that bad. You just got to go to the good parts of it. You know what the good parts of Albuquerque are? Los Angeles. People had mixed feelings.

This person listed off Albuquerque staples like green chili and the Sandias and said, what more could you want? Others agreed with D'Elia with one person saying they're from here and should be offended, but then said, you're right. Hashtag pass the meth. You're not. She fucking hashtag pass the meth. And I'm fired.

Shortly after that tweet, he posted again saying Albuquerque and Jacksonville crowds are awesome though, actually. But some people feel posts like that could scare tourists away. They're probably not going to want to come here now. That sucks. He should probably apologize for that. We also reached out to Albuquerque's tourism department. They say the post is unfortunate, but they'd like to know if something set Dalia off while he was here. They do say, however, they're appreciative of all the locals that stood up for the city.

Kim, back to you. Okay, thanks, Rebecca. Now, we also reached out to Dalia through his Twitter. We have not yet heard back. He did have some nice things to say about Santa Fe in Twitter after performing at the Lensic. I mean, just so many just keep going and shit. We wonder what he thinks about Seattle.

Just like, OK, you know, also such a cliffhanger how they left it. Although he did have some nice things to say about Santa Fe, by the way, when she's saying that at the end in the background, the next's saying that at the end, in the background, the next news is, I swear to God, the next segment, it says, child shot. How did I beat out that story? One of Albuquerque's own slain. But I tweeted, it was a blank call. it was a blank hole maybe albuquerque that's the problem start from there rename your theater and then move on.

Dude, how on earth is that a thing? When I saw it, I laughed wholeheartedly. Dude, I laughed so hard when I was like, oh my God, dude. People are literally sliding into my DMs with these emojis. Fuck you, bro. Don't come back to New Mexico. Hey, guess what, man? I didn't say anything about New Mexico.

I love New Mexico. Santa Fe, bitchin'. Albuquerque, sucks. Also, I will come back. I love the crowds. The crowds in Albuquerque are fucking awesome the people in albuquerque are awesome stop naming your theaters after cancer that's all also i don't even really give a fuck i'm sure it's a fucking great place i was there for eight hours twice i'm sure it's fine how could you get upset about somebody saying something like that i mean

i'm not talking about the people in the news obviously they know even the newscasters are like uh this is what we're reporting on like this is between this and one of the fucking kids we got shot well let's lead with the let's lead with the more depressing story. Anyway. All right, dude. How about that Albuquerque thing, man? That's unreal. We just love it, though. You know, I don't know.

It's not like... Here's the thing. I'm moving the fan over to me. Here's the thing, dude. I don't know about... Oh, and I moved it too far. And I'm pissed. I'm upset. Yeah.

Could one fire do it? Yeah yeah did I try to do it to take it upon myself yes do I have a thing about me that makes me do that yes do I do I live by the saying do it yourself if you want it done right yes did it work out no did it all work out in the end because he fixed it after that yes could have been sure yes wasn't no and that's

fine oh shit dude the soundboard's all fucked by the way it's all good No, and that's fine. Oh, shit, dude. The soundboard's all fucked, by the way. It's all good. Everyone's good. Everyone's fired. I'm fired.

We're done. We quit. Okay. Okay. Quit. What's that from that movie? Fucking that thing you do. And you doing that thing you do.

And you're rocking that thing you on and on it, baby. That was the movie where I thought Tom Hanks was going to fall off. I'm not saying the movie's bad. I just thought after all of the movies that he did, Philadelphia started fucking getting shit. He started winning the Oscar. I thought, oh, this is the movie where he just crumbles and then starts to do shit stuff. You and we do that thing you do. How was that music ever popular? Like, I know obviously that's not a real song, but how was that style of music?

Like, I like person. I like person and Birdie. I like Bruce and Jam. Like, what? How did that guy not get fucking crucified? Or how about, what's that one? Do the twist, you know?

Crazy. Let's see what I have in my fucking... I don't know. I just... Oh, that fan feels good. I wish I had it on the whole time. I wouldn't be fucking sweating. Did you guys see what Kodak Black said with the thing?

So it sucks that, obviously, it's horrible that Nipsey Hussle got killed. Nipsey Hussle's the guy he named it after. Comedian, not all a comedian. Nipsey Hussle got killed. Obviously, that's horrible. I hate that shit, man man so many rappers are dying who's dying more rappers or comedians dude it's the weirdest shit ever so uh so that is is obviously terrible and then kodak black that like fucking troglodyte was just like talking about how he wants to like holler at his at his widow which is just like what kind of a piece of shit are you for real you know how

how can you be that big of a piece of shit like straight up you're a piece of shit you're a humdinger piece of shit to just be like like, I'm going to holler at her. I give her a year, he said. And then it was just like people just blew him up online, which is stupid. Everyone's got to relax. I did it too. But I did it, you you know because who cares what i say although maybe people do but i don't know but anyway and then what's his name um ti came up with

this this is what ti said to kodak black which i which made me be like, ah! Do I have it here? Is this it? Look at this. Every time you go to look at a video, it's always the comment on the video. Find that link. See if you can just find the TI thing. Or it's probably on Instagram somewhere, right? It wasn't on his Instagram

actually? It was. Instagram TI. Oh, I. It was. Insta. Instagram. TI. Oh, I'm sure he took it down. Here we go. Of course, dude. Never mind. Insta.

Hey. Kodak Black. You out of pocket, nigga. Fixak Black. You out of pocket, nigga. Fix that shit. You out of pocket. What does that even mean, by the way? Doesn't that mean you have to pay something on your own? I came out of pocket.

I paid for it. Don't worry, the company. I don't even need to be reimbursed. Out of line. Okay. That's something for sure that gangsters just had no idea what it meant and then they just used it wrong and then it became a thing by the way what's the girl in the background talking about put your feet in i love how ti was just like didn't tell anyone to be quiet

like if every time i do it i'm like everyone shut the fuck up i'm gonna do something he's just like at the pool in like some apartment complex and he presses play and some girls like put your feet in to her kid hey kodak black you got a pocket nigga fix that shit quickly expeditiously. Ah! Expeditiously. You got a pocket, nigga. Okay.

Again. Ain't nobody else gonna say it, nigga. I done said it to you, nigga. And if I see you, I'ma say it in your face, nigga. You got a pocket, nigga. Okay. Three times. Get your... That's it. That's it in your face, nigga. You're out of pocket, nigga. Okay, three times. Get your... That's it.

That's it. Then it cut off. Okay, so T.I. is 50. It's so 50 years old to not know when your Instagram video ends. Brian Cowell does it all the time. Brian Cowell will be like, hey, guys, I'm coming to Minnesota. Tickets are still left because, you know, that's what's up. I just wanted you to know to come grab tickets to my show.

And it'll end. And then. And then Kodak Black goes like this. Putting on his pants. Like, who that first? Nobody. I'm gonna do it again until my... Putting on his pants. Like, do that first. God, this guy looks all blue. Blue pants, blue shirt, tying his belt like he's a fucking... like he's doing karate with the Smurfs. Hey, start the video when you're ready! He's just bending down. He's not even on screen anymore. That was it. That was it.

His hot response. There's actually a better response. There has to be a better response. Should I send you that link so you know that link? Let me fucking find it. That was that link so you know that link all right let me fucking find it but that was that was uh that was the uh there's a better thing kodak black hey oh my god kodak black but dude i had a meeting with the pocket nigga

ti once that shit quick and expeditiously And he had three phones. Bro, I had a meeting with TI once. He had three phones. Let me tell you something, dude. Nothing's more disrespectful to everyone you would ever cross paths with than having three phones on you. Three, not two. He's like, yo, fuck doctors, motherfucker doctors motherfucker fuck doctors i ain't got two phones fuck businessmen with them blackberries and the iphones

i got three phones motherfucker i'm a businessman and a doctor uh instagram about ti um Instagram about T.I. And by the way, how do you follow a T.I. video and make T.I. seem like he's speaking Shakespeare? T.I. is like,

you have a pocket. It's deliciously. And then Kodak Pak is like, I want T.I. Tia's like, yeah, the pocket. It's pediciously. And then Kodak Black is like... I mean, fucking... Kodak Black looks like that... Remember that movie, Critters? Remember that fucking movie? So, anyway, whatever. remember that fucking movie uh so anyway whatever uh

wow you know what Kodak looks like a Simpson that's what he looks like that's crazy dude he looks like a Simpson wow even his hair is like triangles. That's Simpson.

Kodak Simpson. But yeah, he said... Let me just see. Instagram. What he said on... It's so fucked up, these... Oh, and then the game said something, too. Here we go.

Carded Black. Carded Black, you had a pocket. You had a pocket. Oh, he took it down. Carded Black. He's like, I don't give a fuck. He basically said, I don't give a fuck. I say what the fuck I mean it.

I say what the fuck I mean it. If they want to take it to things, they want to talk about the things, then that's it. Then I said it in fuck I mean if they want to take it to things they want to talk about the things then that's it then I said it at a minute anyway I gotta go back to shooting the Simpsons sniper gang you know loyalty it says on his fucking biography loyalty outvalues everything yeah okay um anyway dude it's like the game said it too though let me find the game one the game the game the game instagram kodak black kodak Black. Here we go.

I'm just going to fucking play this. Play it. How come it won't play? Cool. Whatever, dude. I don't even give a fuck. I'm just going to... Here we go. Okay, that's the... Oh, here's what he said. Here's what he said. Here's what Kod's what kodak black says i'm in cause right now he he he this is kodak black's response response to ti fix that shit expeditiously

man listen i said what i said and then y said, and then y'all trying to misconstrue what I said. No. I don't give a fuck what y'all talking about. I don't care. I'm in Georgeville right now. Fuck y'all talking about. So what the fuck, man? Fuck y'all, bitch.

What? Hey. They say something. I'm about to put this Nipsey Blue on right now. dude he said people trying to misconstrue what i said literally said exactly what he meant and people are upset about that people trying to people trying to say his disrespect for that i said i will fuck this rapper who died his wife when i said I would fuck this rapper who died his wife. When I said I would fuck this rapper who died his wife. Then the game. Kodak Black and any other nigga disrespecting my nigga Nip's name. His legacy, his family, nigga.

Keep my nigga name out your fucking mouth, nigga. Keep his girl's name out your fucking mouth, nigga. The fuck wrong with you new niggas? No respect having ass niggas, man. This new new generation y'all fucked up in the head nigga stop disrespecting my nigga's name man this shit for real my nigga died out here in these fucking streets nigga for doing the right motherfucking thing doing good for fucking people first thing niggas want to do after his untimely demise is disrespect his fucking name nah nigga I ain't going for that. Keep my nigga's name out your...

Sir, this is the last time I take UberPool. Here, wait. Right here. Kodak Black. And then Tank. That's not it, bro. That's not it. I promise you that's not it.

Yeah, listen to the guy next to you. I promise you. Hey, man. I promise you that's not it. I promise you that's not it. Yeah, listen to the guy next to you. I promise you. Hey, man, I promise you that's not it. You're just saying too soon. Another guy that's, you know, trying to keep you from saying it, period. You got to get out of that. You got to, you know, there are a lot of factors at play here. You know what I'm saying?

you know, there are a lot of factors at play here. You know what I'm saying? Not only just the people that love and respect Nip and Lauren, you know, you do business with us, with Atlantic Records. Oh. That's a tough spot to be in, young fella. So let me just let you know right now. Just get out in front of that man. And if you meant no disrespect, if you meant no harm, you know, it's easier to say that than to play the, you know, play the tough guy. I don't.

Fix this, bro. God, that guy's so R&B from the fucking bones up, dude. Look, man. That shit sounds like the beginning of an r&b song look man i'm down on bendy knee right now and i just want to say man get out in front of that before your heart goes cold and you know there's people out there that will do you wrong. And you're in a tough spot.

But, you know, where's the fucking? That shit is so, that's a big. Yo, dog. Okay, so you secured the back and... Thank you. Dude, boys to men, bro. They were so the king of fucking doing one note into the other note with no bending,

and they just... Just fucking... other note with no bending and they just knew just fucking knew so dude fucking boys to men were like you know what boys to men were like let's make an r&b group fucking whoever was involved said well i know one thing fuck sleeves and v-necks for life they fucking killed it with no sleeves this has 122 million views dude wow that's amazing man anyway kodak black that's so fucking that's so disrespectful and also we know it and also stop being a tough guy because you would get your fucking ass handed to you by these fucking other guys the game you know i want to know who's who's uh i saw this i keep seeing this thing i don't know if it's in like the fucking lexicon or whatever like there's a there's a thing you can do by you can get like

a premium snapchat which is like a girl on Instagram will be like, sign up for my premium Snapchat and you can get videos and shows and stuff. And it's the chick just showing her pussy and ass and tits on Snapchat and you pay for it. Let me ask you a question. Who the fuck in the world would pay to see naked girls online or on your phone when you simply don't have to, Hey, would you like to see someone naked? Sure. Would you like to do it for free or would you like to pay for it? Well, I'd like to do it for free. That's what everybody would say in the world. What kind of chump ass motherfucker would watch would pay to watch a girl. Also, the fact that these girls call it a show is so fucking ridiculous.

Like, that's a show? And also, The Producers is a show? You can go to fucking Broadway and watch Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, or you can watch a girl turn around. Ah! Those aren't both shows one is the other one is hooking the other one is a disgrace the other one didn't have good parents whatever dude you know and people will be like you're slut shaming dude get a dude if you get so mad at fucking making fun of shit dude it doesn't matter no matter what the fuck i say

someone's gonna be pissed off so there you go gloves are off babies yeah but it's empower it's empowerment to show your asshole no it's not it's easy as shit anything is you know what i'm scared i was not even the other shit too it's like i was scared to come forward and tell people about my my fucking anxiety and this and that it's and then people be like that's so brave it's not brave anymore you're expected to do it nobody gets more championed nowadays than somebody saying you know what i'm gonna go public with my problem that's not brave anymore you literally get coddled it's the safest fucking thing you can do from now on is to say hey this happened to me and now i have anxiety about it and i and and i'm and i'm gonna be and i'm brave and i'm gonna say

that i have fucking ocd it's not brave anymore i think it was bill burr that was yeah, the first person that did it is brave. I can't remember. But it's just so fucking the world we live in. I saw a post the other day that was like, I'm upset and I was scared to come forward, but I'm doing it anyway. And everyone was just thousands and thousands of comments. Just you're so brave. but i'm doing it anyway and everyone was just thousands and thousands of comments just you're so brave

you know it's brave not doing that and just being a nobody instead you know what i mean it's the truth not telling people your problems and having nothing to identify with that's that's brave nowadays. Being a simple, just fucking person that goes unnoticed without a profile on Instagram or anything like that with no YouTube hits, that's brave. To just be a person in the fucking world. Going to Target, going to fucking eat sandwiches, and nobody knows dick about it. That's the most brave shit you know oh you woke up crying

tell someone about it not brave don't tell someone about it you're brave as shit keep crying deal with it yourself that's what's brave now dude it all went fucking back full circle you know now dude it all went fucking back full circle you know people started it was brave in the fucking 80s and shit that was brave as shit to show your feelings that was brave in the 60s that shit was brave now it's brave to just suck it up and not tell a person about it and have it become cancer and then perform it at the fucking chemo theater in albuquerque albuquerque um we're gonna do an elder we don't normally do we don't normally do elders we do them every now and then because we can't just keep giving out elder pins by the way somebody came up to me in one of my shows recently and they were like wearing their elder pin and i just

thought it was so fucking cute man it was so sweet and so nice that it made me feel good that the guy was wearing it for the show and he was like man you really we i love listening to you and this and that and i was just that shit just made me feel so good so we got an elder this guy wrote me a message on on an email one fire sent it to me and um the the i'm not gonna read the good parts about me like he gives me a lot of compliments and i want to fucking make this about me. And that was very sweet. And thank you very much for doing that. I really appreciate you saying that.

But anyway, he says stuff like this in the message. I'm a fucking baby through and through, man. I've seen every single podcast. You make it easy for me and my friends to relate to. I know you're busy and you can't reply to shit because you're busy backing up that Brinks truck, bro. I'm just trying to help you do it. I keep buying me undies.

I keep the cash app. I use your congrats code. I just hope you can see this, man, and I hope it somehow makes your day even an inch better. You get me through my day at 9 to 5. I just hope you feel the love that I have for you and what you do for so many people. Please, please don't ever stop, man. You're so awesome. And when I see you tired, when I see you sick, you're still on that podcast.

You're sick and tired, but you still do it. And I know it really isn't for me, but that's what it feels like. You know what, dude? Then it goes on and on. And he's just talking about me, so I'm going to need to read that. But his name is Chase Robinson, and this kind of thing, man, this is why I'm going to make you an elder, because you reading this kind of shit makes me happy, and it makes me do the podcast. It makes me charged to do the podcast.

It helps me do the podcast, and it keeps my spirits up, man. Like, it's a very cyclical thing, man. Like, you know, you're telling me that it makes you feel good that i do this podcast uh well this podcast is for you man i think what you meant says it's not just for you because it's for a lot of these babies out there but this is for you it's for me and it's for you and it's for all the babies out there and you know i make jokes about how i do it for money and i get fucking bags and all i do and i you know obviously i want to live that hedon all I do. And I, you know, obviously I want to live that hedonistic lifestyle and I want to fucking,

you know, we love sucking and fucking, but dude, this shit is like the real shit. And Chase Robinson, thank you for relaying your very sweet message. Uh, and you've listened to every episode.

You keep those me on design and you fucking got the cash app and all that shit. And dude, I just, I can't thank you enough for sending me such a sweet message that wasn't backhanded. For some reason, everything is always backhanded, but you just kept it real, dude. And thank you very much.

And you're an elder now, dude, because this made my fucking day. And, yeah, you're right. I'm sick, and I am tired, and I still do the podcast. And I do that because I know that I have a fan base out there that wants to listen to it. And now I know you're out there and you want to listen to it. So I think about the fan base and I think about you guys. Also think about my pocket sometimes because I want to fucking keep the brink chart going in reverse.

There's a lot of different things that make me want to do this podcast, but you're one of them, dude. So thank you very much. And now you got that pin coming to you, dude. So we'll be in touch with you and send it out there. Yeah, man, that message made my day. I got a forward from a producer and he was just like, he was like, maybe make this guy an elder. And I was like, dude, you said it.

Anyway, sign up for my premium Snapchat, dude. I'll show you my cock. I'll do a show where I just fucking whip it around like a helicopter. Can you guys do that, by the way? I can do that. I can do a real finesse subtle move. I do a fucking finesse subtle move. It's a real subtle.

You have to be really in control of your body. You know who can't do it? Any of my friends probably. They don't have fucking the connected tissue in the mind. Can you do this, bro? Can you do this? Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. It's hard to do it.

Make your mind do what you do. It's hard to do it. Make your mind do what you do. It's hard to do it. One part just goes, no. There's this guy called Stretchy Guy on Instagram, and he's just always stretching. The guy looks like a guy who's just going to fucking die tomorrow, and he's the stretchiest guy in the world, and it's unbelievable. And we've got to learn on fucking doing all this shit.

I guess one goes down, and then you make those go. It's very hard. Fuck, man. Fuck, man. It's hard to make your brain do what your fucking body wants you to do. Anyway, my point is I could fucking move my dick around like a helicopter. Like, fuck Petey Pablo. I took that shit to the next level.

This shirt? I make my dick swing around like a helicopter. And I knock lamps over and shit like that. I mean, you know, it's just insane, dude. I take posts of frames get knocked sideways. I mean, my cock goes nuts, dude. What if a girl, when you took your dick out for real, she went like this?

What the fuck? That would make any guy feel so good. Girls, do that shit to dudes, even if it's not that big. Go, whoa, what the fuck? Like, don't even do, don't even go if it's not that big go whoa what the fuck like don't even do don't even go like wow that's big like really commit to it move back open your mouth not for sucking but for astonishment and then put your fucking hand about right above your titties and go whoa what the fuck the guy's gonna get scared because it's not what usually happens. But then he says, what? Go like this.

That is huge. But go like that. Make your fucking eyebrows do like this and make your chin go down and go, that is huge. And the guy goes, really? And you go, yes. I don't even know how the fuck you have that in your pants and you walk around all day what the fuck do i need to get you a sneaker to put on that thing jesus what's it like having to buy two pairs of shoes

because you need one extra to tie on the end of your fucking bell uh anyway dude uh so uh okay you want to do misconnections let's do misconnections i got san francisco misconnections we got san francisco misconnections here we go dude i bet the i bet the the the homosexual ones are off the chain, dude. Because that's gay city, right? Here we go. Your need help with your paint car. Hey, one thing's for sure.

He's foreign or seven. Your need help with your paint car. Hi there. I'm a guy who can help with your car. We repair and paint. Contact to me. What? is it a is it a fuck thing this is just regular you're i mean dude does this guy work for fucking parts plus auto parts hi there i'm a guy who can help with your car we repair and paint contact to me dude do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers honestly this is the

first time i ever believe that do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers wow dude what's up bro get it sexual man also i'll fuck you in your car that's amazing this guy what the fuck's up with san francisco i thought this shit was going to be sexiest hell and the sexiest i'll get out and this guy just is like i'll help you paint your car bro it's not even for money he's just like i get off on it paulina at costco this is for the very sexy paulina at the alameda at the alameda in costco i wanted to talk to more but my show was watching me like a hawk i think he means son just put that in on there buddy at

next time because you have a booty to die for. So disrespectful immediately. Actually, he kind of played it real nice and then got disrespectful on your ass, literally. I would love for you to just sit on face with that nice big booty. What is up with these motherfuckers, man? Why don't they put all the words in these goddamn things? It's unbelievable. Why don't they put all the words in this goddamn things?

It's unbelievable. This is for the very sexy Paulina at the Alameda and Costco. I wanted to talk to more, but my show was watching me like a hawk. Because you have booty to die for. Who wrote this? Borat? I would love for you to just sit on face with that nice big booty. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers.

Bro, that's just. Wow. The thought of leaving Costco and being like, wow, that chick, man. You know what? I'll just fucking put it on Craigslist. Maybe she'll. It's just like a crazy thought to me. That's like a wacky ass thought. Here we go.

Looking for Greg. greg i remember how you liked to jack off while sucking my cock and after i came you would almost always do a few strokes more and shoot onto the towel sitting between your legs sure would enjoy getting back together so descriptive at least this guy fucking tells us greg if greg reads that greg knows oh i'm that guy that was me i remember when i give him those few extra strokes and then jerk it off on the toe in the towel in between my legs greg i remember how you like to jack off while sucking my cock and after i came you would almost always do a few strokes more and shoot onto the towel sitting between your knees sar Surrun on sexual sentence.

Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Looking for Greg, a movie with Hugh Grant for sure that would come out in 1997. Looking for Greg about a man, about a man who jacks off another man and then goes the extra few strokes. I'd like to put the towel between my leg and jerk off a little bit and... This summer.

Jack off all over again. Hugh Grant in. What is it? Go back. Hugh Grant in. Looking for Greg. Are you the guy that used to let me jack off in your car and then after I came you jacked me off a few extra strokes and then shot and then I shot onto the tower sitting in between your knees? This summer. Hugh Grant. Will you jack me off a few times after I come?

Jack off all over again when your best friend's lover is your lover's best friend. This June, bust a nut all over again. This June, bust a nut all over a towel and all over again. In Looking for Greg. Oh, God, yes. August 2nd all right next one dollar tree coffee guy okay so vague but not vague talked with you about coffee today in line at dollar store on seb road Thought you were pretty cute. Maybe we can have some coffee sometime, LOL.

Do not contact me. This unsolicited service is offered. You know what? This is actually kind of sweet. That's kind of sweet. I hope this works out for this guy. That's cute. I wonder if he's talking about a guy or a girl.

You don't even know. Should have described the girl, you know? What if the girl or the guy was like, oh, maybe it was me, but I don't know. It wasn't that specific. It was a dollar a cup of coffee on Seb Road. I'm just not sure. Man, you know what?

Pass. And then you will never, ever fucking experience that. The light is just in your night. We're going to celebrate. I love when that guy comes in, dude, in that video. He goes, we're going to celebrate. And he comes up behind him and puts his hand on his shoulder. Wasn't part of the song. And he wanted to fucking do it.

And the other guy is so mad. He was like, this is my point. This is my point to shine. And you fucking put your hand on my shoulder. And you made it about you. When I don't even really get those parts a lot, you're always popping. Dude, that's some alpha shit.

Wow, that's so alpha, dude. I'm going to put that on my Instagram story right now. Go to see it. Even though we'll play it on the podcast tomorrow. But this is so alpha, dude. Look how alpha this is. Look how alpha this is. Watch out.

So alpha put his hand on his shoulder and did that. Okay, go to Instagram and look. That is so alpha. Anyway. Okay. You know, I think that's pretty much it. Yeah. We're good, dude.

Remember, we got the dates coming up, dude. Durham, Raleigh area. We're doing the Durham, Raleigh area. We're doing, and that's in April 12th coming up. We got Las Vegas, Des Moines. Is it Des Moines or Des Moines? What is it? Des Moines?

Des Moines. Des Moines. Des Moines. Sioux Falls. When I say Des Moines, it makes me want to say Sioux Fall, even though it's Sioux Falls. Swakes Falls. Des Moines and Swakes Falls. Swakes Falls, Des Moines and Swakes Falls, Fargo, Edmonton, Victoria, British Columbia.

British Columbia, you know. Pick one. Hoover, Alabama, Memphis, Tennessee, Memphis, Chattanooga, Knoxville, Tarrytown, New York, Atlantic City, New Buffalo, Michigan, Chicago, Illinois. Chicago, Illinois, man. Got two big ones coming up there. At the Chicago Theater. Chicago Theater. All right, you guys. What do we got here? Chase Robinson, thanks for being the elder.

And download the Crystalia app where you can see the podcast before anybody else. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Remember, you can get gift cards at the store, Crystal D'Elia store. Just click the link. And then also we got new merch. We got the Do Not Contact Me With Unsolicited Services.

Those prints are dope. They got them written all over the shirt. And that shit is kind of swaggy if you're feeling it. Tweet us and rate and review that shit on iTunes. It really helps if you rate and review the shit. Watch me on Comedians of the World, Man on Fire, and I'm on that show, You, coming up. And then also I'm on the second season of You.

And then also I'm on this new series called Huge in France with my buddy Gad Elmaleh. I think that's how you pronounce his last name. But he has a new series coming out on Netflixflix this week this week actually uh and i'm in a few episodes of that where i play a version of myself it's not myself but it's a comedy it's pretty funny the show seemed pretty funny when we were shooting it i'm excited to see it so have a good one guys thank you so much my babies and uh you guys rock okay catch you later k Kodak Simpson. Kodak Simpson. Thank you.