Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 116. Open Up The Limit

Episode Date: April 16, 2019

On today's show, Chris responds to the local Albuquerque news covering his reaction from last week. Also discussed: Coachella, Star Wars, Scarface, and Grandma Carmella. And we're back to Los Angeles for Missed Connections this week, some of the best yet. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, Let's go over some of these fucking cities I'm coming to. We added some late shows in these cities. And tickets are still available because the first one sold out immediately. Babies. Des Moines. Who knew? Des Moines.

They have got two S's, one at the end of each word, and you don't pronounce either. Get rid of them both. Naturally. Get rid of them both. Naturally, get rid of them both. But Des Moines, I will be there in a little bit. Edmonton, I will be there. Late show. Tickets are still on sale. Victoria, B.C., late show.

Tickets are still on sale. Chicago, tickets are still on sale for the late show. Tickets are still on sale. Chicago. Tickets are still on sale for the late show. Or sorry, for the second or third show. I don't know. Whatever. But this is episode 116. And my babies, our podcast is soaring.

It is soaring. We're doing well. A lot of you guys are spreading this cult and spreading the word it's free conch you can listen to any podcast but a lot of you guys are just tried and true with us man and helping us get that wood for that log cabin man because this is a cult dude and i see what these guys are trying to do i see what the fucking half a minute tomorrow's guys are trying to do and dude they're trying to make a cult but they do not have a cult dude their cult looks like it sucks dude it looks too serious it looks way too serious that's the thing about cults they're too fucking serious dude our shit is silly goose time

a lot of these cults are talking about the end of the world a lot of these cults are talking about the end of the world. A lot of these cults are talking about the days coming, the fucking resurrection and all this bullshit. Fucking and sucking. Fucking and sucking in tall grass, dude. It's uncomfortable. Fucking and sucking in tall grass is like, oh, yeah, but oh, yeah, no. That's what's up, dude, on a raised log cabin off the tall grass we're live on my app if you want to see the podcast before anybody else sees it you go to the

you go to the app store and you dial in crystal yeah and you download it dude guess what you know you know i never thought i'd go to war with a city i never thought i'd go to war with a city. I never thought I'd go to war with a city. But I'm at war with a city, baby. I talked about Albuquerque on fucking Twitter. And they fucking... And then I... And guess what? Now they... And dude, they're back.

Social media shedding more light on his comments. Chris Delia performed earlier this month... Another segment, dude, they're back. Social media shedding more light on his comments. Chris D'Elia performed earlier this month. Another segment, dude. Another segment. Another segment. Two segments. Two segments, too many. I'm a correspondent at this point.

Dude, they came back and did another segment last episode I talked about Albuquerque and they did a segment on me about how I quote unquote bash them and this shit by the way they said my name right in the first one shade they didn't say it right in the second one

you know what it is. Social media is shedding more light on his comments. Chris Delia performed earlier this month at the Chemo Theater. Afterwards, he took to Twitter saying, quote, I've been to some blank holes, but holy blank, you make Jacksonville look like paradise. We already know this. Many New Mexicans criticized him on social media. Well, a couple days after our story aired, Delia responded to the outcry saying he couldn't believe the response. I was there for eight hours.

They're playing my podcast on their fucking news segment. Weiss, I'm sure it's fine. How could you get upset about somebody saying something like that? Now, he still hasn't revealed an exact reason for not liking Albuquerque, but he did poke fun at chemo theaters. Name is the best part and said our buildings are short Albuquerque, but he did poke fun at chemo theaters name and said our buildings are short. Dude, the newscaster said that dude the newscaster said i said that the buildings are short i said you have to crouch down into them. Dude, what the fuck, man? Hey, man.

By the way, there was another child shot. By the way, there was a murder. They murdered 70 people in Albuquerque. Unbelievable. Dude, Albuquerque turned out to be my favorite fucking city in the u.s dude just because of their fucking they clap back they have a clap back effect i told my uh buddy about this and he was saying that uh you know because aaron paul shot aaron's a buddy of mine from breaking bad and And Aaron Paul shot – they shot Breaking Bad over in Albuquerque.

And the reason why you know that is because anytime you step foot in Albuquerque, everything about Breaking Bad is plastered all over. So he said something about Albuquerque that wasn't favorable one time, and they made a whole segment about him. So it made me feel less special. So that's okay. That's okay. That's okay. But they're making a big fucking deal about it, and that's hilarious to me, dude. So Albuquerque, shout out to you, dude.

You're becoming my favorite city in the U.S. Just because of the segments, man. This just in about Albuquerque. Fucking James Woods is shooting a movie here and he just said it was too cold we check into some locals here uh to see about how they feel about james woods saying that it's too cold i don't know i mean you know it's just it's it depends really what what um when you come the seasons are different and obviously it's going to be colder in january and february than it is going to be in um july you know maybe uh if he came in the summer uh it would have been um it would have been warmer but you know if he's going to come

during the winter uh obviously it's going to be uh colder so i don't know maybe they should shoot movies in the summer james woods was not available for comment but he's took to twitter bashing liberals um so yeah dude anyway i'm you know loving it I don't know. Whatever. They mispronounced my name on the second segment, but on the first segment, they got it right. Hey, Albuquerque. So whatever. Dude, this is my – you got to see – bro, something I never thought of in my life was, and I saw an Instagram, I don't know if it was an Instagram or YouTube video of this. This blew my mind. I haven't laughed this hard in, I would say, years. Okay?

Thinking about this. Seeing this, first of all, if you're on the video podcast, you can see this. But imagine it. Because I never thought about this seeing this first of all if you're on the video podcast you can see this but you imagine it because i never thought about this you know those fucking signs that they twirl around with the arrow it's like fucking you know bojangles chicken or like kfc it's usually a chicken place for some reason i don't know why or like radio shack and they got sign throwers that are just fucking they're the shit they're just twirling them around because they're so goddamn bored just standing out. They're like, I'm not a post. I used to have a bit about that actually on stage.

I don't know if I put it in a special or not, but if you're a sign holder, like, you know, if you can be replaced with tape, you know, of course there's a video, a video youtube video amazing amazing professional sign spinner of course the guy's called dr spin you know but um there's a a fucking i want to keep that later there's a a youtube video i think it was a vine um originally but about this sign thrower i never thought about how if they're constantly spinning the fucking signs you don't know where the place is you know what i'm talking about like they got the arrow that shows the place so there's this video online that it said and this girl is just, dude, I haven't laughed this hard.

Just think about the, so the guy's spinning the Quiznos sign and it's going fucking nuts. All right. And this is what, I don't even know which way the Quiznos is. Dude, he's spinning it around and she wants to go to Quiznos? I don't even know which way the Quiznos is.

Dude, when I first saw that, I cried. I cried. I couldn't catch my breath. Dude, I haven't laughed that hard. You know what? That, to to me that's seven seconds it's six seconds distilled is the funniest six seconds i could imagine all right do you know let me just let me break it down to why i think that this shit is so funny okay first of all the guy's spinning the sign around the guy for anytime a guy thinks he's the fucking shit we're at a fucking mock 10 on funniness okay it doesn't matter if the guy is the shit or he's

not the shit but it's like when george brett was like i shit my pants last night he was as a baseball thinks he's the shit you know if a guy's wearing a long trench coat and walks into like a fucking cool place and you could tell he's feeling himself, I laugh hard. Anytime someone thinks they're the shit, it's goddamn hilarious. Okay, so this guy is killing the sign. I mean, just twirling it around like it's magic. Okay, so already I think it's funny. It's funny that that's even a job also.

And then this girl just wants to eat. Like she just wants to eat, dude. And she's frustrated. That's another thing that makes me laugh so hard. When someone's frustrated. So you've got someone who thinks they're the shit. And then someone who's just frustrated and hungry, dude. I don't even know which way the quiz knows is.

Oh, dude, that's that. I laughed. I mean, I was crying, dude. Six seconds. I don't even know which way the Quiznos is. I don't even know which way the Quiznos is. Like some, she's probably some, you could tell too it's in Canada actually because the fucking walk, the walking sign in the background. In Canada, they have the fucking chillest walk, walk signals.

In America, it's a guy like this. That's like when it says you can cross the crosswalk. And then in Canada, it's a guy like this.'s like when it says you can cross the crosswalk and then in canada it's a guy like this he's a little bit tipped back like he's chilling like he's an old black guy in the 70s that's just like hey player like that's how the there's they're different i swear they're a little different i don't know why but it's more chill out it's because it's because weed has been legal in canada for a while probably maybe weed has been legal in Canada for a while, probably, maybe. So anyway, yeah. But dude, that shit made me laugh so hard. I got, what do you call it? Oh, fuck. Dude, videos are, this guy, the internet is just are... The internet is just... Sometimes the internet is just so great.

Sometimes the internet just fucking... Like, it's just so shitty. You know? Because of how... Because of how... Like, Whitney tweeted something the other day that was like about the cathedral, the Notre Dame, that has been burned, obviously terrible.

And Whitney just tweeted a joke that's like, you know, you can see how people are, what do you call it, how people have turned the tragedy into bragging about their vacation in Paris. And people, of course, went nuts over it. But she's like, dude, I can't believe I had to say this. But like, obviously, no, I'm not talking about everybody, yada, yada, yada. But like, dude, fucking calm down. The outrage is crazy.

But sometimes the internet on the other end is this. This guy, Mr. Plenty, at of Wudon on Twitter. Dude, this shit killed me. This thread is so funny to me. I tweeted it. Never seen Star Wars. None of them. Never will.

Oh, my God. You're missing out. Maybe. You're missing out on being a multi-millionaire. Keep your movie. And then it's a picture of him in front of a Bentley. At the dealership, by the way. Maybe he didn't even buy it.

So, somebody, then he writes a follow-up thing. Not your car. Not your car. It has my last name. Tate. T8 on the number plate. Too much Star Wars makes you dumb. And then it shows him driving around in his Bentley, okay? Guys, I have more, again, guys, I have more cars that I stand next to. If you want to learn how to make money online in between watching Dork Wars, go to his website.

Dork Wars didn't even try. Just such a troll. Everyone who's ever watched Star Wars in human history is absolutely dirt poor. No exceptions. Only I can save you. I teach you how to make money online here. And then it shows a picture of him standing next to chicks and on a boat. Even watching a Star Wars trailer may leave you homeless on the street with AIDS.

Only I have the path to absolute financial freedom. Do not follow the Jedi. Follow the Jesus. Learn how to get unlimited girls and make unlimited money here. And then there's a picture of his face on Jesus. The sacrilege is going to hell. And then women hate you. They hate you because you've watched Star Wars.

I can correct this. Has a girl ever tattooed her name on you? No. It's because you watch Star Wars. Lucky I teach you the secrets of the female mind, not only how to get them, but how to make them do anything you say. Change your life today. Do you have cool pictures of you with cigars with piles of money on tropical islands? No.

You spend too much time watching Dork Wars. Luckily, you can join my war room and supercharge online money making today. I can confirm I'm richer than anyone who's ever seen Star Wars ever. Like, obviously, this guy's just fucking around, you know? Even the inventor of Star Wars is a penny-pinching little bitch compared to the awesome near incalculable power of my bank account. Luckily, I will teach you to do the same. I turned to her and said, baby, I've never watched Star Wars. And then it's a picture of him

taking a fucking firecracker thing, lighting a bullshit cigar. Dude, anybody that smokes a cigar is like, you got, dude, you think you're the fucking Don, you know? Anybody thinks that they're, let me put it to you this way. Anybody who smokes a guitar,

a guitar, a cigar. Dude, do I have a tumor? Anyone who smokes a cigar, first of all, if you smoke a guitar, you're awesome. If you smoke a cigar, immediately,

I hate your whole race you understand what I'm saying if you're a white guy that smokes a cigar I'm like these fucking asshole white guys these fat fuck white guys that just fucking sit around and smoke cigars if you're a Mexican guy I'm like alright dude I get it

you know you're chilling in fucking some Mexican ass place and you're just like you think you're fucking, you know, Scarface or whatever the fuck. It's racist. Not even the right name. But, you know, you know what I'm saying? I become racist if you're smoking a cigar is what I'm saying.

I don't care if you're white or whatever. Look at this. You can't argue with the results he writes I think you're the most disgusting and then there's a text exchange I think you're the most disgusting man I've ever met I'd never date a guy like you you're arrogant rude and you write horrible things on the internet I've seen your website you think you know how to get girls

you'll never get me and then he writes I've never seen Star Wars and she writes oh my god I'm sorry forgive me. Kind of suck your dick. So rolling with this, dude. And then I tweeted about this. I said, this thread is fucking hilarious.

And then he DMed me and said, have you seen Star Wars? That's amazing. But some people are like, oh, dude, I guess this guy fights in the UFC or UWC. I don't know what that is. But yeah, I mean, I guess this guy is just like... I mean, look at this one. My penis is heinous, large, veiny. Imagine describing your penis as heinous.

First. Not just... Not large at first. Hey, dude, what's your dick like? Heinous? Dude, it's heinous. It's fucking heinous. Who are you, fucking Bill and Ted? Yeah, dude.

I think that covers a lot of bases why I think it's funny too. Because he's making fun of both sides. why i think it's funny too because he's making fun of both sides that's that kind of shit i love because he's making fun of people who take star star wars too seriously he's making fun of them as the character that's like this alpha bro type which is like he's obviously saying like he's making fun of that guy too because he's being a piece of shit cartoon version of that. Like he's making fun of the bros and the Star Wars dorks. I don't know, man. Look, do what you want, man. I talk about don't do this, don't do that.

And people say sometimes, oh, man, you're so judgmental. Dude, I'm really not. More than me wanting like like fuck coachella you know like coachella's going on today this week and everyone's pretending that they want to go you know and that's some cuda shit obviously super cuda put capes on you goddamn barracuda bring a fucking tank of water and just swim around in it with a cape on you fucking super cuda um but uh remember leo's picture at fucking coachella where he's running around with a super soaker like a fucking couldn't have been more bitch the photo when he's like this if you

are running and your arms are behind you at all, you're a bitch. Keep those arms fucking in front of you, dude. Keep it fucking Jackie Joyner, Kirstie style. The second you move your arms behind you when you're running, straight up bitch. Straight up bitchdom. Put your arms in front, bro. Be ready for some shit. Dude, check it out. Still a man.

Still a man. Still a man. Moving the arms back. Still a man. Still a man. Still a man. Fucking bitch. And you're making this noise.

You know? Nothing more bitch than hyper-extending your leg in a fucking, when you're walking. One time when I was in elementary school, I was walking down the street. And I was, I think I was in fifth grade or something like that in New Jersey. And I was walking down going home. And I was with some chicks that I liked. And I was with some dudes that were bros and I was walking down and I was like, man, how come these girls probably like these other guys better than me? I didn't know. I don't know how to make them like me. And I felt very confused

because I was like coming of age and I didn't know how to make the girls like me. And, um, coming of age and I didn't know how to make the girls like me. And, um, and, and as I was walking down, I stepped in a hole a little bit and I hyperextended my knee and I looked like such a fucking bitch. Cause I was walking ahead of them because I didn't want to be embarrassed

while I was talking with them. And I, and I fucking hyperextended my leg and they fucking, I thought they saw me. So I just literally started fucking tearing up. So bitch, I started tearing up because I was like already feeling low about myself because the girls probably like the other guys better. By the way, I made this whole fucking thing up in my head. It was all made up in my head

and I hyperextended my knee and I, and it hurt. And I started like crying a little bit. And then, and then one of the girls walked out to me and she's like hey are you okay because like i was crying a little bit and she didn't see me hyper excited my knee and i realized that she didn't see me hyper excited my knee so i was like i'm not gonna tell her that i just stepped in a ditch and started crying because i thought that these girls didn't like me and i was So instead, I fucking told her my grandma died. And they were both alive. I mean, dude, what a young sociopath. sociopath. I fucking stepped in a ditch, teared up in fifth grade, and a girl was like, hey,

are you okay? And I said, yeah. She said, what's wrong? I said, my grandma died. Because I stepped in a ditch. Talk about bitch made. Dude, I'm a barbie i've got pink hair coming out of my ass because i'm a low pony oh my god do i fit in do i fit in the front part of your jeans because i'm a poly pocket, dude. What a bitch. I hyper-extend, all of it was bitch, dude. I was walking ahead of the girls, because I was like, you know what, lost cause. They probably like the other guys better.

I remember they were with my other buddy, Matt Trevenen, who was like a stud. I always thought he was like a stud. I still know him. He was one of my best friends. And he fucking, and I was like like they probably like him better walking ahead stepped in a ditch started crying the girls who were being sweet what's wrong i said my grandma died my grandma and i remember thinking like great now i gotta fucking wait till my grandma

really dies i hope they don't find out thank god there wasn't google they They could have Googled Carmsy. Found out she was alive. Dude, I had a grandma Carmela. Ex-italian. Man, my grandma Carmela was so fucking funny. Holy fuck shit. She would eat cherry pie in the morning. And just not give a fuck. Dude, that's so dope.

To where? Where? To eat cherry pie in the morning, dude? Bro, this is her eating cherry pie in the morning. Just. That's so dope. Oh, my God. No, it's this.

Dude, she would show up and my dad would be like every time she would she would come and stay with us, me and my family, for like fucking two weeks at a time. It was so long. Anyway, every time she came, she was smaller and smaller. Grandmas get small as fuck, dude. Grandmas get small as fuck. If your grandma lived to be over 100, she's the size of a fucking, what do you call it, wee man. what do you call it? We man.

And one time she got her hair cut and she was like 70 something, like 75, 76. And she came over and she said, I think it makes me look younger. And we fucking laughed so hard. Like how much younger? You're 75. You cut an inch off your hair.

What do you look? 73. Goddamn, she was so cute. Carmzy, Carmella, dude, she would make meatballs. Her meatballs were the shit, dude. And I know everyone says their grandma's meatballs were the shit, but fuck you, dude. These meatballs, they're so good. And she would make the gravy, she would call it.

It's Italian to call sauce gravy. And she would eat cherry pie in the morning. And every time she would show up, my dad, every single morning, he would be like, all right, well, it was nice seeing you. And do the dad joke where, like, she was leaving. But one time, she was like that old school racist to where you couldn't even, like like be mad because it was just like she was born in fucking 1412. She would just be like, well, you know, they're different. And you're like, Jesus Christ. And so one time my two friends were over. And she was like talking to them and she was talking about Jewish people.

And one of my friends was Jewish. And she was like, oh, you don't look Jewish. And then she was and we were like, look Jewish. What does look Jewish look like? He say, oh, you know, you got like the big noses. And you were like, oh, you can't say that. noses and you were like ah you can't say that and then she was like like him and pointed at a fucking my other friend who by the way wasn't jewish carmsy jesus christ um it's fucking weird how uh but uh if she was famous everyone would have

canceled her for that if that if there was video of that she was famous, everyone would have canceled her for that. If that, if there was video of that, she'd be like, no, don't eat her meatballs. Don't eat her meatballs. Don't eat her gravy.

Take the gravy away from her. She's canceled. Carms. He's canceled. One time too. She, she, she was taken off my cousin's diaper when he was really young, and he wasn't moving.

He was like, no. He was like, no. My cousin, he was just like, no, no, no. Didn't want to take the diaper off, and then she finally got it off, and then she wanted to put another diaper on, and he was like, no. And she said, oh, you're full of shit. And he said, full of shit, and ran out of the room and just started saying, full of shit, full of shit. Karmzy taught him full of shit and he said full of shit and ran out of the room and just started saying full of shit full of shit carmsey taught him full of shit dude we laughed we laughed dude life's good man i'm back for 10 fucking days in la and life is good life is fucking good man you ever feel like life is just good dude it might be raining it might be fucking snowing you might have family

problems you might have fucking career problems but just take a breath for a second and just look outside look at how green it is or if you're in detroit look at how gray it is and just fucking take a breath into that fucking car smog or beautiful you know if you're in montana it's chilling and just think about you know what i'm alive and yeah my back hurts and yeah my nose is dry and yeah there's people out there that are trying to fucking kill us and murder us literally but you know what dude live and be happy. Right? People say now because I have the desk that they can't see my fucking heat. I'll take this off.

I thought about getting a shoe cam. I got the fucking Air Max right there on. I love that color, bro. God damn. Look at that. It's fucking nice. I fucking love shoes, bro.

I'm like a hooker. If I was a chick, I'd suck dick for red bottoms, straight up. Dude, this unfollowing thing is bonkers. I can't believe i was talking about it and then people are sending me pictures for real of chicks eating pizza like actually like i was just making shit up they these i mean i knew it was happening but like to see it actually happen the unfollowing man tag them up some guy drew some picture of me with big tits with my face

the unfollowing dude it's real it's a real thing um i don't even know which way quiznos is wow dude i laughed harder at that than i did probably the same as that. Remember I was telling that fucking tech TV video? There's nothing like it. It's one of a kind and... Fuck. That's just walk right out, that one too.

God, I love bitch shit, dude. I love some bitch shit. Anyway. This guy gave me this fucking Ohio plate that says Yakuta. A lot of people have been bringing me on the road, been bringing me a lot of really cool stuff. Somebody brought me a pin that says Newport News for some reason. I was in Newport News because I always say every time I say you get tickets for Newport News for some reason. I was in Newport News because I always say, every time I say you get tickets for Newport News for some reason, we sold that place out.

And by we, I mean me. My opener had nothing to do with it. And I sold it out. And Newport News for some reason, somebody made me a button that says Newport News for some reason. Dude, shit made me laugh. And then somebody gave me a towel that's got the congratulations fucking logo on it it's sweet what people give me and somebody gave me another thing

that says backing up the brinks truck i just cool and then somebody gave me a shirt that says which is a fucking actually really a sweet gesture but the shirt was why am i going to wear a shirt that says see if they ruin, you know what I mean? And she was like, look, it has the Blade Runner font. And I was like, okay. Did I say something about that? I don't remember half the shit I say on this podcast, by the way. Unless the shit takes off.

Like, obviously, I know what a cuda is, because I fucking say that all the time. Did you guys watch Game of Thrones? I put that video up on Instagram, and it kind of went viral there of me playing the fucking, by the way, okay, it's a cello, guys, hey, stop dorking it up, okay, I played the violin, I played the air violin, okay, stop dorking it up and telling me, it's actually, this makes me laugh, because it's not even a violin he's playing the wrong instrument it's a cello and those stand upright so i'm not even trying to i mean he can do what he wants obviously i get the humor in it but it's a cello so if you want it to be more accurate it can be a cello sorry i dookie um so yeah so i didn't watch Game of Thrones because I'm not caught up. I'm on the fucking fifth season.

And, you know, I don't get these memes where people are like, nobody. And then it'll be like, Bran Stark, and he's just standing there. I don't get those. The whole nobody thing, memes, hey, those got to go. Okay, we're done with those. All right. I get it. And it is funny, but those got to go. Okay? We're done with those. All right? I get it. And it is funny.

But those got to go. Okay? Nobody. White chicks. You know? Nobody. Black moms. Yeah, we get it.

Nobody. Mexicans. Hey, bro. Okay, we get it nobody mexicans hey bro okay we get it man nobody said shit and then the people are the way they are we get it um those memes memes ah fuck so what else dude I fucking I don't know I fucking anyway Game of Thrones dude I can't believe how many dude I was at the Starbucks

I went to a Starbucks I don't even know where I was but some girl was like she was like what do you want? And I was like, iced Americano. By the way, I started getting the fucking three shots over ice. It's way better, dude. Because they put too much water in the fucking Americano sometimes. You got to fucking have

the three shots over ice and then you fucking, the ice melts, dude. Dude, do sometimes Starbucks taste like the back of a cow's mouth? Yes. Okay. Do I order ice Americanas? Yes. When I get them, do sometimes

they put water and do they put too much of it? Yes. Does it make me stop getting it? No. Do sometimes the ice melt too much and there's even more water and the ratio is fucked up? Yes, it is. Am I still going to get it? Yes. But did I figure out something else to do that's better? Yes. Am I going to do it? Sometimes I'm going to forget.

Is it okay? Yeah, that's fine. Is it going to make me frustrated? Yes. Am I going to do it? Sometimes I'm going to forget. Is it okay? Yeah, that's fine. Is it going to make me frustrated? Yes. But I have to remember to get the three shots over ice because the ice melts and then it's an iced Americano. It's also, is it cheaper? Yes. Does it matter? No. Do I have bags? Yes.

I wonder how much I spend on coffee, by the way, all year. It's got to be fucking 25 grand. Fuck. But yeah, so, I mean, what do I spend? I probably spend about six bucks a day on coffee. A day, that's $10 a day, $3,650 a year. I mean, fucking One Fire just gave me an obviously for some reason,

like I'm a piece of shit. He did a calculator up. It said $3,650. I said, $3,650 a year? And he goes, I mean, obviously, yeah. Jesus Christ, dude. Bro, fucking straight up got some issues with some issues with me just straight i mean obviously dude the guy just fucking hit me with like he's a mom obviously i have shit to do jesus dude

how about when somebody says obviously or actually to you and you know they hate you um actually no oh wow that guy's so mad at his childhood was fucking rough, you know? So, yeah. So 3000 I pay. I for sure at least spend $4,000 a year on coffee. God damn. That's fucking too much. Dude, I saw this chick at the coffee bean with a fake ass.

I keep I see more and more fake asses it's unbelievable dude when when a girl has fake tits that's one thing when a girl has fake and a fake ass and walks into a room everybody in the room should be allowed to do this oh come on and then she should just go like this Come on. And then she should just go like this. Like it's a fucking, what do you call it? A sitcom.

And then she'd freeze frame. I mean, this girl's ass was so big. It wasn't even good. It was wanted i wanted everybody in it to just go oh come on are you fuck no or for fuck's sake when your ass is so fat that your legs look it looks like a fucking toothpick with an olive on it fucking toothpick with an olive on it hey hey are you a martini hoe hey hoe are you a fucking martini you see a girl with a fake ass you're just like oh i must be James Bond. What? Because those aren't legs and an ass. You have toothpicks that have olives on the side of them, and I must be drinking a martini.

And that's what James Bond drank. Literally the most convoluted, stupid shit of all time. I would jump off a building if I actually did that. God damn, I hate myself for doing that. Dude. You know how it always does the extra one. It pisses me off. There's one too. And it makes me hey you know what dude oh god theme songs are the shit i never liked that theme song no offense to whoever did it i'm sure it's great and you're talented but that fucking idea you're talking about real

theme songs bro you're talking about the theme songs dude you know what's damn dude the terminator theme song are you kidding me bro come on the terminator theme song It'd be awesome to have this on your iPod while you're fucking, and an iPod Shuffle put this on. Like after D'Angelo. And then you'd just be like, oh, okay. Oh, wait, hold on a second. I'm in it. Fuck yeah, dude.

Yup. fuck yeah dude yep bro have you ever been alive in the 80s scarface dude the fucking song push it to the limit is the most 80s shit of all time to the limit is the most 80s shit of all time. 80s songs would be so fucking specific. They're just like, this is what we're doing. There needs to be somebody that makes this kind of music now. Nobody does it. Come on.

Get to the fucking words. Here we go. Here we go. Open up the limit. Open up the limit. Open up the limit, dude. Open up the limit. So foreign. It starts with open.

Yeah, open up. That's like a fucking Italian fuckface in America trying to talk about race cars. Like, well, you go in. You want to open up the limit. You want to go fast, right? You want to open up the limit you cannot have a fucking um 200 miles i don't know how you do but miles per hour right you have uh kilometers or however many you open it up you open up the limit right that's the point of no return ah so specific reach the top but

still you gotta learn how to keep it so far reach that top but now you have to learn how to keep it. Dude, they fucking were like, when the Scarface producers were like, we want a fucking song where it's like, you know, about a guy who gets to the top and he's at the top and then he's fucking killing it. But then he wants to go further than the top and he's at the top and then he's fucking killing it but then he wants to go further than the top and how he wants to stay there and the guy the guy was like we're gonna do it no he was like well because he was american so he's like i could probably get my italian

friends to write the lyrics and they were like okay uh we'll see we'll see what you can do and then it just and then... And then it started coming. And then they were like... And they're like, okay. It's pretty 80s, but I guess it is the 80s. And they're like, oh, okay. Well, okay, I'll open it up on Richard. Sounds a little Italian, but...

We did tell him to say that. Okay. Well, you know what? Is the song over? Because that's pretty much exactly all we told him. And then I... Well, you know what? That's very... Is the song over? Because that's pretty much exactly all we told him. And then I... Okay, double mistakes.

I mean, so much of this is just fucking like would be on a poster or a bumper sticker. Like a bat out of hell. Like they were like... Like an Italian guy was like, well, you have to say bat out of hell. Like they were like, like Italian guys like, well, you have to say bat out of hell, right? I was like, I guess so. Crash the gates. What?

Going for the back of the what? Going for the what? Going for the what? Going for the back of the... I don't know. What's it say on the thing? Going for the... Come on, dude. Going for the bag of beyond?

Back of beyond? Oh, oh, going for the back of beyond. Wow. Well, you can't go further than that, dude. Beyond? The back of it. The back of the furthest part. You haven't been to beyond.

You haven't begun to, you haven't gone to the beginning of the beyond. Pass that. Keep going. The fucking back of beyond. That's where Scarface is. That's so foreign. The back of beyond.

Like that's the kind, I fucking swear to God an Italian wrote this shit. And he was like, That's so foreign. The back of beyond. Like that's the kind, I fucking swear to God an Italian wrote this shit. And he was like, there is no words, there's like a phrase or words in Italian. You know how like other languages will be like, well, there is no word in English for it. But in Spain,

it means basically beautiful nature. But you have to say beautiful nature in America, in English. But we call it flala, flalalala. It is the sense of comfort you have with a woman or a man when you are in love. And we don't have that. You don't have that in America. But in Spain, we call it la-la-la-la-la-la-la. La-la-la-la-la-la-la.

Back of Deep Beyond. Oh, and now they're there, dude. Now they're there. All of a sudden, that's it. There's no beyond. They just fucked their whole song in the middle of the song. Going to the back of beyond. The furthest part.

Open up the limit. Fucking out the top and keep it there. Further than that. And then fucking welcome to the limit okay so basically we didn't realize that you can go this far and we thought there would be more

we put an outfit on that was gonna help us even get way further but we don't need it we don't need it. We don't need it. Bloop. Take it maybe one step more. Oh.

Well, he's still getting, he's getting fucking. Oh. Fucking Satallion. What is he? The writer. Of course. I knew it was a foreign guy dude you motherfuckers understand that when i say some shit it's real this guy italian i told you dude i fucking told you gi. Giorgio Morador is an Italian. Giorgio Morador wrote this fucking song. I told you it was an Italian, dude.

As the founder of disco and an electronic music trailblazer, Giorgio Morador, go up, has made his mark as an influential Italian producer, songwriter, performer, and DJ. I fucking told you, dude. Is that the guy that did the fucking shit with... Oh, yeah, he's the father of disco. Yeah, he did with... What do you call it? If I were...

Who does that? Daft Punk? He did this shit with Daft Punk, I think, even. It's different? Because Daft Punk has a song where this guy's talking over it though this guy found yeah that song yeah yeah so yeah giovanni giorgio morador dude i how fucking dude i don't even mean to toot my own horn but how the fuck good am i for knowing that shit dude and you and sometimes you listen to these other podcasts, dude. I know

shit. If I tell you a fucking Italian guy wrote Scarface because he's saying open up the limit, that's what's up. I do that. I go fucking boom, boom, and I go, because I have flames on my fucking wrist, so I fucking light this shit on

goddamn fire, dude. That's what I do. We do that with my buddies. I say some hot shit and I go, and they go and I light some shit on fire. And is it the dorkiest thing I do? Not even close. Not even fucking

close, dude. Snap, snap, fucking sometimes I can't get it on fire. Eating pasta. Just saw Italian. The bread's in the oven and bread sticks. My mom's so emotional. she's crying at everything. Dude, fucking

that's cool. Giorgio Giovanni Mordo. Giovanni Giorgio. We gotta fucking understand. Anyway, what else, dude? Where are we at? You want to do the fucking ads? Not the ads.

The fucking missed connections. Dude, I love you guys, man. Thanks for listening. Even though my fucking producer obviously has some pent-up shit about me because he said obviously to me. We're going to do Los Angeles fucking Craigslist because that's where it's at, dude. LA, baby.

I rep LA. I'm not even 40, dude. I'm young as shit. Bro, have you seen how young I am? It's insane. I'm fucking so young. Have you seen a picture of me? It's unbelievable.

It's like I'm getting younger. Here we go. Los Angeles Miss Connections. You love pancakes. Okay. Fat. Any girl want to go get some IHOP? It's on me.

I want to go out more, but hair to do it alone? Have to do it alone? I mean, how do you miss that? Hate to do it alone. Also planning on going to see the national parks but that's something else okay i mean yeah no shit man how about a separate post or just you know don't even post any of them if you would like to join me on those adventure to then you are more than welcome who wrote this giovanni giorgio do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers

what you love what you love pancakes why is it so aggressive amen you love pancakes wow dude the internet has everything dude oh my god this might be the best title ever so far car bj suction and sfv for a horny cock by skilled bro my favorite part is skilled bro hey man anyone dude like it's a fucking text to one person. Hey, man. Anyone interested? I'm cool DL dude, GL, normal DD free chill guy down to suck in your car if you need it. I know the good spots. No worries.

Be cool, normal DD free and ready to bust. All good? Do not contact me on solicitor services offers. Dude. Ready to bust all good do not contact me on solicit services offers dude ready to bust what you're just a guy that wants to fucking get do something kinky bro ready to bust hey man anyone interested i'm so many goddamn letters hey man anyone interested I'm cool DL dude GL normal DD free with chill guy PSU PS4

BGG F THO lost his mind there was some fucking place that was selling free letters and he bought them all I got these extra letters might as well put them in this Facebook post car bj suction sfv for horny cock by skilled bro anyone interested cool deal dude gl normal dd free this guy's this guy's out to lunch bro just so many letters don't contact this dude with solicited services and offers. All right, next one.

Oh, so romantic, this one. We need to hold hands. I walk along the cliffs overlooking this ocean with Walter, my bulldog. A children's book. He, oh, what? Children's book. He won't hold my hand. Will you? Wonderful man needs a lady. Dude.

Wow, this guy thought he was clever. Well, my dog won't hold my hand, will you? But by the way, your dog will hold your hand if you just fucking put your hand out. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. We need to hold hands. A walk along the cliffs overlooking the ocean with Walter, my bulldog. He won't hold my hand, will you?

Hey, guy. Wow. I wonder what the bulldogs thinking this guy bulldogs like for fuck's sake this guy's so lonely young athletic baseball player where is my young athletic baseball player his name is john, and he used to play ball in high school. He would drop by my place regularly for some great head. Jesus, the way these just fucking open up the limit. You know what I mean? Some of these I love how they're so normal, and then just open up the limit with some great head. You know?

Totally normal. Where's my young athletic baseball player? His name is Johnny and he used to play ball in high school. He would drop by my place regularly for some great head. You know? Dude, fucking where is my young baseball player? His name is Johnny, and he used to play ball in high school. He would drop by my place regularly for some great head.

Still you gotta learn how to keep it. Dude. Hit the wheel and double the stakes Ride a wide open like a ride out of hell You crash the cake Crash the cake Going far, back up the hill From the start with a knuckle that's strong So close now, you're nearly at the brink

So push it, oh yeah Safe Just intercut Baseball fucking sliding Safe You're out And then suck in With the ball Fuck it With the butt

You're out Come on Get in there Johnny You're a young baseball player fuck yeah and then the fucking reverse jerk you ever have a fucking i don't know i mean i shouldn't talk about this but i did dude uh uh he said i was better than his girlfriend if this is you hit me up i miss you if not though this sounds good to you hit me up oh i like how he doesn't even need the guy hey but listen though if it's not you and this is fucking and

you're chilling and you just feel like fucking do jerking dude oh a montage where a guy would be playing baseball and dude no oh my god bro that nothing would be funnier than that if i if somebody please on the internet make a montage of guys playing baseball and also getting ahead. Yo, you know what? That would be the funniest fucking thing. But I got to tell you, the clips of the guys getting ahead, it has to be really quick. You can't dwell on it.

It has to be like guys sliding, running, hitting a ball, fucking fans like rah, and then just real quick like that quick that quick if this is you hit me up i miss you if not though this sounds like it sounds good to you hit me up you must be under 30 years old no x no exceptions wow wow dude so that's the limit then the limit is fucking one day over 30. You must be under 30 or no exception. DDF. DDF athletic to good shape and enjoy kicking back. Kicking back.

Young athletic build kicking back. Straight, married, and curious guys encouraged to respond. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Wow, bro. That might be my favorite post of all time. Jesus. Oh, fuck. A guy sliding into fucking second and then getting sucked. That's so, dude.

Such a... Shit my pants last night. Double tapered shit. Wow. Well, we had a good one, huh? Fuck, that made me laugh. What's up with my fucking... Okay.

So, okay. So, Des Moines, Edmonton, Victoria, Chicago, get your tickets. That's where fucking daddy's coming, dude. We're going to do some second and third shows there because of popular demand. So, thank you. We added shows, by the way, in Tarry and atlantic city as well besides those other ones and they are on sale pre-sale now um i don't know what the code is i'll tweet it or something like that but uh yeah tarrytown new jersey and or tarrytown new york is in new york new jersey i

don't know uh atlantic city up now uh so support the show by buying merch we got those those fucking shirts my favorite ones the unsolicited do not contact me with unsolicited services and or off or services or offers that shirt is fucking fire dude i see all you two at the shows with the merch when i'm on stage it's fucking dope that's how it really makes me understand that this is a cult. And half a minute to Mars, they ain't shit when it comes to cults. So don't let them get away with that shit. When they say that they're a cult, they're not a cult. This is the cult. We are the babies.

Subscribe to the YouTube channel, please. Rate and review our show. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. YouTube videos come out a day after the audio. And you can download also my app and see it before anyone else. I'm also on a little bit. I'm doing a show. I did a show that just came out on Friday, I think, on Netflix.

I'm in like two or three episodes. It's called Huge in France. It's Gad Elmaleh. My buddy has a Netflix TV show, and I did a few episodes. I play a version of myself. It's not actually myself, but it's fun. It has to do with the shit. We shot some scenes at the Comedy Store and shit like that.

Anyway, have a good one, guys, and thank you. And remember, don't be a super cuda. Thank you.