Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 118. Fofty Please

Episode Date: April 29, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about Marvel's Endgame. Also discussed: Stagecoach, 50 Cent's beef, Boyz II Men, and LeSean McCoy. Plus, we take a look at Missed Connections in the Inland Empire this week. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. Hey, what's up, babies? How you doing? Before we get started, let me tell you where I will be in the next few weeks. Des Moines, Sioux Falls, and Fargo. Edmonton, and also Victoria, B.C. I'll be in Memphis, Tennessee, June 27th.

Chattanooga, Tennessee, June 28th. And Knoxville, Tennessee, you guessed it, June 29th. So that's where I'll be, babies. On the Follow the Leader Tour, get your tickets at crystalia.com. If you want to be a specific asshole, go to crystalia.com slash the fucking tour. I don't know. Just go to crystalia.com. Whatever.

It's all good. But, yeah, this is episode 118, and we are live on my app. You can get the video, the first 10 minutes of the podcast video-wise on my app, and you can get it live. Fuck it. We'll do it live. And so that's awesome that you can do that. So go to download my app if you'd like. And if not, it's all good. But fafty please please fafty uh dude i i fucking

did you see the thing that 50 cent did uh when he talked to that producer randall emmett um about he needs his money and shit he was like yo, Randall Emmett, give me my money by fucking Monday. And then posted the text exchange that Randall Emmett sent to 50. And dude, he wrote back, please, I'm going to the hospital for stress. Like, please stop. Fofty, please, no more. He wrote fofty instead of 50. How do you get your auto correct to make 50 fofty?

Dude, fofty instead of 50 how do you get your auto correct to make 50 fafty uh dude fafty please dude when i saw fafty i fell out see ya when i saw fafty i fell off the boat see ya i was laughing dude fafty think about how he's so stressed out and just texting and texting and then sent fafty and then was like oh fuck i don't even give a shit i said fafty whatever think about how he's so stressed out and just texting and texting and then sent fofty and then was like oh fuck i don't even give a shit i said fofty whatever think about how stressed he was i'm sorry again i really am i said i'm sorry fofty i said i'm sorry fofty oh my god so disrespectful that he still got the fucking fofty in there you know i know i owe you a million dollars, but still, you're fafty. That's awesome. I call him fafty cents from now on.

Fafty cents. How white is it? I said this on this podcast before, but remember when 50 Cent came out and white people used to be like 50 Cent. God, I wanted to fucking punch everybody who did that. I wanted to do the batman punch where you fucking just go like this dude whenever i would do my uh my brother and i would talk about would do uh whenever we talked about this with my dad like how a punch sound would go and my dad would always be like he would be like he would try to do the sound effect and he would

always go he would always go and it's we would be like no dad it's and he would say he would go and we would be like dad go and he would be like and then we'd be like okay and then and he would be like and we're like no just put it together and he would be like, and then we'd be like, okay. And then, and he would be like, and we were like, no, just put it together. And he would go, Hey, said dad, please. So, so he, um, so, so yeah, so I would do that. I'm also his dad, my grandpa, bam, everyone called him cause he was skinny like a bamboo up until he got older. Uh, but he was, he was he couldn't say H he would say H and my dad would tell him it's try it it's H and you would be like H he'd be like go A and he would go A you go and put it together

H and then that's karma coming back around. Now you go kopisht. I wonder what my shit will be when I get older. You know what I mean? What I do know is, Can't nobody tell me nothing. You can't tell me nothing. Lil Nas. Lil Fofty.

Dude, I'm going to be a rapper and be Lil Fofty. By the way, people are saying on my app fafty it's not fafty it's fafty f-o-f that's what that's that's the real shit um so let's see well what the fuck's been going on dude i was it i was it uh oh i did my shows in oakland and las vegas and then I flew all the way over to Connecticut. When I was in Oakland, dude, when I was in Oakland, first of all, so Oakland. Dude, when I was in Oakland, for some reason, I always thought that Oakland had so much graffiti in it. I don't know why I thought that. I don't know if I saw a movie or some shit or whatever.

But when I got to Oakland, everything was graffitied. And I was like, I was right. How did I know that? I've never been to Oakland, got to Oakland, saw everything that was spray painted in bubbly letters. Oakland is so gangster, dude. that was spray painted in bubbly letters. Oakland is so gangster, dude.

Like the side of Starbucks has fucking colorful popping off letters and shit. Everything is graffitied. You park your car, you walk into a place, you come back, your car got graffiti on the side of it. And it just says fucking Oakland Zone

with a Z. Oakland Zone. Oakland's own. your car got graffiti on the side of it and it just says fucking oakland zone with the z oakland zone oakland's own um yeah dude um so so i went to oakland there was so much graffiti did the show i was with my i was with two openers uh the show is pretty good. The theater is fucking goddamn beautiful, dude. I don't even know why that theater is so nice. It's so crazy when a theater is so nice. That theater is so nice,

it revamped Oakland. There were like two blocks of Oakland that were like really nice and then the rest of it, you can get fucking so killed. Two blocks of Oakland,

beautiful. The rest of the blocks of Oakland, you can get so killed but um so um no but oakland is like apparently the the place that they're like gentrifying next outside it's like the silver lake of san francisco um but uh so i did the show back. There's really not much to do in Oakland, at least on a fucking Thursday night. And so we went back. Then we tried to get a delivery for food from an app.

And we got it and waited for an hour, which is sometimes how long it takes. Understood. Maybe Thursday night in Oakland is a busy time for the food app service. Called me 50 minutes in and said, hey, sorry, but the pizza place you try to get pizza from ran out of dough. 50 minutes in. 50 minutes in. 50 minutes in, dude. Now, my level of rage through the roof.

Call me in the beginning, you goddamn pizza place. This way, we fucking diminished it. The fiery rage. Okay? Breathed through it. Was starving. Still. Thought, you know what? 50 minutes of my life, not a big deal.

So, I'll fucking order another one. So, ordered another one from a different pizza place. That looked way worse, but it doesn't matter because I was just hungry. At this point, I need to fill my belly, right? Ordered another fucking place from a pizza place. No bullshit. Called me 50 minutes later, and the place ran out of fucking,

ran out of dough. Okay? So now that's two different pizza places that ran out of dough. Now, hey, this is where I say, pizza place, don't run out of dough. Because that's how you make pizza.

And if you don't have dough, then you don't have pizza. And if you don't have dough, then you don't have pizza. And if you don't have pizza, you're not a pizza place. And if you're not a pizza place, you're not making money any other way because your job is having a pizza place. And you need a job in this world. Okay? So I ordered from a third pizza place. No bullshit.

I waited an hour. They fucking called. I called them. And they said, and this is no bullshit. We ran out of dough. This is the third pizza place in Oakland that ran out of dough.

Now this is three hours in. No dough anywhere in Oakland. I'm trying to get pizza I can't get it so now pissed I can't be so it I'm so you know when you're hungry everything is more angry and so I'm so angry now it's 3 a.m. all right now I say fuck these goddamn pizza places in Oakland all right I'm gonna go to a diner I go on the app I look for a diner the diner closes at four I look at how long it's gonna take me to get this fucking goddamn turkey sandwich or whatever the hell I get it's gonna take 35 minutes okay so now I order the shit from the app it says it's coming in 35 40 50 minutes whatever the fuck

it is i call the diner i say hey diner this is what happened i tried to get a thing from three different pizza places and it couldn't come through now i know you come you close at four because i checked online covered my bases my babies so i looked uh so i called them and i said i just want to make sure that if the postmates guy is late and gets there at like 405 or whatever the fuck that you're not gonna not let him in okay and and whatever and the guy says oh no we make the we make the food there's no problem we make the food. It's no problem. We make the food. I say, okay.

We're going to make it right now. They make it right now. Okay. Okay. The restaurant at 4 a.m. cancels my order. Okay. I've stayed up four hours to try and eat. I should have slept.

Stayed up because I was so hungry. All right? Didn't. Now, I'm pissed because I had to watch the fucking Purge movie during the whole thing. The origin story of the Purge, whatever the fuck. I'm a big Purge movie fan. I love the Purge movies. They did the three, and then they did the one that was supposed to be the prequel.

And that one was just, I liked them all, and that one was just not that, wasn't that good. Sorry. It's all good. But you know what you did. You know what you goddamn did. You ever see a movie and you're like, hey guys, you know what you goddamn did. It's all good. I watched it. Cool. Fafty please. But you know you got them dead it's all good i watched it cool

faulty please but you know you got them dead watched the movie last night will name will will remain nameless it was an oscar-nominated movie hey hey dude you know he goddamn did it was bad it was fucking bad all these so many of these movies are bad whatever but it's all good they keep making them why even make a movie now just fucking get a youtube channel you know uh i guess i don't know i so then i went to las vegas all right went to las vegas now when i went to las vegas i got this uh I got this uh oh by the way before I wrap this up my whole point is Oakland figure out your fucking dough situation dude figure out your fucking dough situation I'm a comedian when I go fucking 30 minutes on stage I don't I don't

say well guys ran out of jokes I do 30 more minutes of jokes. You're a pizza place. Have goddamn dough, cheese, and tomato sauce, and that's it. That's it. Have that. I got jokes. Okay? If I have jokes in Oakland and I'm fucking doing my shit, have dough, pizza places.

All right, so then I went to las vegas got there um and i took one of those jet suite planes that was like uh it's like you go to the private airport and they fucking take you and it's cool and there's a bunch of other people on the planes but it's always like guys who are like fake rich you know because if you're real rich you'd have a private jet but if you're fake rich like me you'll have a fucking you'll just take this jet suite thing and you'd be like i don't have to do security or tsa you just hop on the plane by the way how the fuck is that legal how how long until you think they bury those thing these things these jet suite things they gotta delta and shit's got to be like these dude delta's got to be like

delta and shit's got to be like these dude delta's got to be like the shug knight and these motherfuckers soon so i go on this jet suite the people were so loud there were these four dudes that were going from oakland to vegas it's probably for their you know dude weekend and they were so loud how are you so there's always a loud motherfucker on the planes dude talk softer in public anyway whatever it doesn't matter i don't mean to complain even though i do so i get to las vegas and i'm playing i play at the mirage uh and boys to men has a residency there um and i've been a fan of boys to men for for boys to men for a while you know ever since i was a kid uh and i've played there and they always do the eight o'clock show and then i do the 10 o'clock show whenever i go to vegas i do it like twice a year and mirage but

they do it like every friday or saturday whatever the fuck it is so i got there and uh before you know it i'm in the green room with some of my people just hanging out. Knock, knock, knock. Dum, dum, dum, da, da. The guy goes, hey, I just wanted to come over and say, hey, welcome, yada, yada. And I look, and it's one of the fucking boys to men. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me?

Dude, no way. I'm such a huge fan of yours, and I've been such a huge fan of yours for a long time and the guy was like really and i was like hell yeah and then the other dude who goes behind the real recognizable one the one who's who's the one who does the one that the one who goes fucking um back in school we used to dream about this every day get it really up and that guy i just I just dreams of fade away, yeah. Give everybody one second. Dude, that guy who has a face that looks like he would just be so nice while fucking your bitch was like, hey, man, had his sunglasses on.

Of course. Do you know why? Because it's a time. It's a time in the day or night. Dude, if you're boys to men, you're not wearing sunglasses at all times. You ain't boys to men. I'll tell you that. So this guy comes up behind the guy.

By the way, he came up behind the guy that already said hi, like in the video. When he does the video, he comes up behind the guy and he was like, oh, these dreams are fade away. Yeah, that's how he came up behind the guy who said he was fucking welcoming me. So I was like, is this guy going to pull some fucking dum-dum-dum-da-da? some fucking so i was like dude i'm a huge fan of yours man he was like oh we're big fans too and i was like really and he was like yeah and he goes kick it and the guy goes i'm kidding that didn't happen but if that happened i would have pissed my pants and i would have fucking smiled the whole time doing it and then while they were going and then the guy would be

like you know you coming the guy who just doesn't even sing by the way that just comes up and it's just like yeah you've been coming to the mirage for quite some time but you know what you never met us did you but this the night you're gonna meet us and you just you know what we got for you while you perform him you got some sunglass we got some sunglasses for you and now you are honorary honorary member of boys to men here you go and then i put them on and they go ladies and gentlemen crystal and i go out on stage and they come out and they're just like you just dream about this every day literally i swear to god one time he goes like this literally so cocked to not do the words that's so awesome to be so good how about the guy when when the guy goes

and all the philly steaks you can eat fat oh they were all rolled their eyes behind they took their clothes like this they go dum dum dum da da he goes and all the philly steaks you could eat he's fat just let him have it dude yeah can i talk about philly steaks in this one? No. Please. It's about Philly. Fine. This is fine. Look, when you go fucking dum-dum-dum-da-da,

just let him go fucking on all the Philly Steaks you can eat or some shit. When you go by ya-ya-ya-da-ya-da-ya-da-da-da-da-da, let him go with all the Philly Steaks you can eat. It's long overdue, but now Philly is slammed. Dum-dum-dum-da-da. We'll be right back. That's what they're doing. Num, num, num, na-da. Num, num, num, na-na. Num, num, num, na-na. Na-na. Mm-hmm. We eating cheesecakes. Back in school, we used to dream about this every day. Couldn't really, ha-ha.

Our dreams would fade away, yeah. Then we started a group, and here we are. Kicking it just for you. Another Philly Steaks you can eat. No, not now, dude. He just keeps going. He's got Tourette's Syndrome. That's his thing.

Another Philly Steaks you can eat. What if you had Tourette's Syndrome and that was your tick? People are just, like, hanging out. Yeah, yeah, it's cool. Oh, nice. Oh, cool. Oh, it's cool. Another Philly Steaks you can eat.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude. What the fuck? That cool. Oh, nice. Oh, cool. Let's go. And all the Philly steaks you can eat. Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude. What the fuck? That's his tick, dude. Don't even. What? They'll shame you if you make fun of it. The fuck? That's his tick?

Yeah. Well, what the fuck? He's fucked in life. Not really. He's with a group called Boyz II Men. It kind of worked out. They did a song about Philly. Dude, when they go, when they go.

Going to throw up. I always thought when I was a kid. What's it go back in here? It'll go down more. Live end what? Live and direct from Philly town. Right at a high point we can get down. We are ready to roll. So now the world will know what we were dude boys to men is the shit and they know it dude that's the best

part dude one of the guys had sweatpants on performing in vegas so relaxed but still with the sunglasses dude he sleeps with them on he's so dope dude they're so dope they were so cool I want to be in boys to men dude I'm in boys to men fofty please um wow man I remember

when I was a kid in high school going through a breakup really listening to boys to men and being like god damn they fucking know don't they man. I remember when I was a kid in high school going through a breakup, really listening to Boyz II Men and being like, God damn, they fucking know, don't they? And then, thinking now about how they were 15 years younger than me now,

that's so funny. Talk about fucking dum-dum-da-da. God, that's so funny. Of course one of the boys to men's name is sean you know dallas sean nathan and michael swite guys um look i love how on the lyrics it goes doom doom da doom da da doom doom doom da da da da da da goes, But they can't really go, Anyway, they were fucking... So I went on stage. I talked about Boys to Men for fucking 10 minutes before I did my act,

which was basically I just did what I just did for you guys. So you elk. So anyway, then I went to Connecticut and I had a show for a college, UConn, which is a legit college, big college. And it was cool. Actually, it was a great show for me. I had a good time and all that shit.

And the kids seemed to really like it i say kids but you know we're all really we're all young we're all young dude we're all young i'm in that generation okay i'm young as fuck and then i got a google alert which i still have on my name which i gotta get off this shit because it's so annoying i did the show it's. Made fun of the fucking shit there and then going into my material and did this, uh, did the show, did my regular fucking follow the leader tour. And then this, the campus, one of the people on the campus wrote about it. And let me find some stuff here. Just some of the stuff that's said on this article.

While many of his jokes were offensive or targeted individuals, there seemed to be a defined line he wouldn't cross for laughs, I guess. I don't know. I mean, I wouldn't consider that by myself. But even when he did go a little too far, his jokes were still well-received, whatever, yada, I guess. I don't know. I mean, I wouldn't consider that by myself. But even when he did go a little too far, his jokes were still well-received, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hold on a second. D'Elia's best joke. This is the shit that it's just like, what are you doing here? Why are you ranking jokes? Let me go to the part that I saw, though. Some kid, they interviewed a kid. I thought it was really funny. I don't usually go for comedy, but I thought this was really cool. Okay, cool. Thanks, bud. Oh, here we go. One of his jokes, the worst received one was about how, I'm not going to say it because you should come see it.

about how, I'm not going to say it because you should come see it. Anyway, the worst received one. The shock noise that colored most, I don't want to say that part. The shock noise echoed across the audience, which while not entirely uncommon in D'Elia's show, lacked all the laughter it had in the prior instances. You know what's funny is that's not a joke, that part. That's the setup.

The thing that they're referencing is the setup to the joke. That, by the way, after that part of my act, I talk about how sometimes people get offended. And this prompted him, it says this prompted him to jump into a speech about how most comedians don't do college. No, I didn't say that. I said a lot of comedians won't do colleges because college students get offended really easily.

He said he doesn't give a fuck about that and that he wouldn't apologize. Yeah, right. And so that's what I did. So what they didn't fucking add, this is so funny because this is where we're at, was that got a huge applause break. So they're saying the worst received joke, which was not a joke. It was the setup to the joke, which never gets a laugh because it's not a joke.

So this person doesn't get what a setup or a punchline is. Fine. That end of that joke got a huge laugh. So here's the thing that's fucking crazy too. The joke's not offensive. It's just not an offensive joke. It's literally a made-up thing that has never happened that I just make up. So it's not offensive because it didn't happen to anyone.

So this is why comedians don't want to play colleges. But it's funny because everyone in the crowd laughed. And this person wrote this. And this was the person that didn't like that joke. So they are writing this. So now it seems like people didn't like that part. Which is not true. But this is what's fucked up.

Is that. I mean this is kind of a version of virtue signaling. Because like. This person's, the people will then read this and be like, Oh, he can't say that kind of stuff. Thanks for speaking out or whatever. And it's like,

you're the, this kind of time we live in, the people who say, you can't say that because it hurts people's feelings, or you can't say that because it's offensive, are perceived as the good guys. So this person writes this subconsciously or consciously because it makes them feel like a good guy. Because then other people will be like,

oh, good to stand up for that even though it's so unnecessary because it's a comedy show the people who write this are the minority though but it's the people who write this that write this which means this is the shit that's being written which means this is the shit that's being read and this 100 this kind of thing is why trump got elected so it's all good but that's what happened um because i was at the show do you know why this is my show i was on the stage everyone laughed and had a good time there were no parts that were touch and go or weird. Now, this person on this blog said the show was funny. They didn't say the show was not good.

They said, you know, it was a good show. It was fun. It was just like I just thought it was funny how or interesting how you still had to pick that kind of a thing because it was like the college thing to do. It's just so fucking interesting, the shit that's going on in the world. They're not the majority who feel this way, but because of the people who write about it it makes it seem that way and then the people who shame like this isn't one of those things because it was nothing but like if somebody saw that and decided to shame me for it and then it piled on i mean it's nothing but and it piled on and it became a thing it would seem like my life was over but

it's not because these people are just they're few and far in between but they're the people who write about it because everyone who liked it was everyone in the audience i was there there was one or two people that thought this and that's the person who writes the article because they want to seem like a good guy and that's the fucking problem they're not a good guy they And that's the fucking problem. They're not a good guy. They're just doing next to nothing. The whole idea, if comedy isn't offensive to

anyone, it's not comedy. It's offensive. All jokes are offensive to somebody. Otherwise, it's not funny. That's offensive. All jokes are offensive to somebody. Otherwise, it's not funny. That's it. So thanks for saying the show is good and funny. But if you think that that joke is offensive, where do you get into the real fucking world, dude?

Where do you get out of college and get to a place? Where do you leave college and get to anywhere? You're going to cry a lot. Can't nobody tell me nothing. Fofty, please, no more. Summer is like a cocktail. It has to be mixed just right. Start with a handful of great friends.

Now, add your favorite music. And then, finally, add Bacardi Rum. Shake it together. And there you have it. The perfect summer mix. Bacardi. Do what moves you. Live passionately.

Drink responsibly. Copyright 2024. Bacardi. It's trade dress and the bat device are trademarks of Bacardi and Company Limited. Rum 40% alcohol by volume. So that's where I went this weekend. And that's what's up haven't uh

okay let me delete this stuff here uh how about this end game shit that's going on this movie is just fucking cleaning up we all thought it would no uh didn't see it yet and want to go probably gonna go tonight take the chica uh and uh want to want to go tonight it's over three hours long like it's a goddamn movie about fucking the gettysburg address or some shit and uh they got to wrap up a lot of stuff you know why four billion characters do you and uh they got to wrap up a lot of stuff you know why four billion characters do you know why they got to wrap up a lot you know why the story you know why it's over three hours long got to wrap up each fucking arc for three billion characters hey ant-man is in it hey ant-man is in it hey hey marvel you know how you're making too many movies do Marvel. You know how you're making too many movies?

Do you know how you know you're making too many movies? Ant-Man. Hey, Marvel. You know how you know you're making too many movies? Too many blue characters. Okay? I mean, Jesus, dude. Every fucking tenth guy's blue.

Forty, forty, at least forty characters in the movies because four of them are blue. Yo, make my dog shut up, dude. Will you? Fucking open the door and tell him to shut the fuck up. They're barking and shit.

So annoying. Can you even hear it? I wonder. Hey, butters, shut the fuck up. They're good. That worked. That worked. Daddy came through, yelled at the fucking babies. It's all good.

Little bitches, shut up. They know what's up, dude. They stopped. I don't know if you could hear it, they stopped they were like hofty please no more um dude so let me talk to you about this endgame shit man first of all if if you're uh if you're the kind of now let me actually start this by saying i don't give a fuck if somebody spoils a movie for me it doesn't matter to me i don't care i don't watch a movie because of what happens as a matter of fact i think if you're a move if you're a guy who goes to a movie to see what happens you're kind of an idiot i see a movie to watch how what happens okay you see a movie to see how it happens how they make the

movie the story how it unfolds okay if you're going to a movie to see what happens you are fucking to come don't fuck to come fuck because it feels good the whole time and it's love making you're doing it to bust a nut you bad purse you're going to see endgame because you want to see what happens you bad purse you bad moviegoer it's free conch go if you want to but you know deep inside you bad purse also marvel ant-man you go watch a movie to see how it all unfolds otherwise yeah yeah asshole all right now i don't give a fuck somebody tells me ant-man dies flying up thanos ass he suffocates okay still go see the movie. All right. Everyone saw Titanic.

You know how that goddamn shit ends. You go see it because you want to see the story. All right. There. That's it. Glad we figured that out. All right. Now.

God, I'm such a cock. So. So now. Said saying that. Okay. On the other end of that. if you're the kind of person that thinks it's funny or just the kind of asshole that spoils a movie you're a real special kind of fucking asshole okay i don't care if you do it for me personally but if you do that for other people

you're a fucking you are a supreme asshole like that guy who tweeted it i don't know i'm not gonna say what he tweeted because he he just this i think this football player wrote like damn saw avengers can't believe yada yada this happened. Like such an asshole. Find out who that was, the guy who spoiled the end game, the football player. But such an asshole. Like fuck you guy. People wait in line for the movie. How about the guy who actually this happened on, I tweeted about it.

Go to my Twitter for the article. I just Googled Twitter. That's how I get on Twitter. Go to my Twitter for the article. I just Google Twitter. That's how I get on Twitter. Like a fucking idiot. Like a dad. I don't even know. Password. What the fuck is my Twitter password?

Of course. Not it. Not it. Not it. Not it. No, we don't know. It's all good. Anyway, running back, LaShawn McCoy. LaShawn.

Uh... Twitter is... The Twitter nation is taking a dim view of the NFL superstar known as Shady. Okay? Uh... is taking a dim view of the NFL superstar known as Shady. Okay? He has hundreds of thousands of followers, I guess. And he repeatedly revealed the biggest secret of the Avengers

that game. Dude, you're a fucking asshole, dude. Fuck you. You're a fucking asshole. What's his name? LaShawn McCoy. Like what a dick. And then didn't delete it. Like you're just ruining people's fucking joy.

Imagine being a fucking asshole like that for real. This is just ruining people's joy for no fucking reason. But the thing that I thought was so funny was how like marvel and all of the movie stars were tweeting hashtag don't spoil the end game like number one that's not going to help in in any way number two it's absolutely going to help in any way. Number two, it's absolutely going to make it worse. When you tell somebody not to do something, especially the world, a few people are going to do it.

Like, don't spoil the endgame. Everyone knows not to spoil the movie or you're an asshole, but they're still going to do it. And if you say don't do it, those assholes are going to be like, well, fuck them. They can't control me because they had bad childhoods. Because your dad died early. Your dad died early? You're telling me not to...

Oh, you're telling me not to spoil the endgame? Well, guess what? My dad died early. So this is what happens. But you're a fucking piece of shit, Sean LaCroix. You're a fucking... You're the worst flavor of LaCroix. That's what you are you're the worst flavor of LaCroix. That's what you are. You're that fucking Pamplemousse bullshit.

And I know fucking One Fire likes the Pamplemousse, but I'll tell you right now, Pamplemousse LaCroix can go fuck itself, dude. Call it, what is it, grapefruit? Call it grapefruit. Dude, what kind of fucking, yep, of course it is. Tangerine's the worst. One Fire loves tangerine. Ivan gets rid of, loves tangerine,angerine's the worst one fire loves tangerine

ivan gets rid of loves tangerine and it's the worst pamplemousse the worst tangerine the worst kiwi flavor the fuck out of here dude get out like it no even we all don't like it in here ivan gets rid of and one fire are like get the fuck out of town tangerine pamplemousse out kiwi lime out lime tastes like cleaning fluid still good lemon tastes like cleaning fluid still good the regular time kind got it right here still good the worst kind leshawn lacroix you're a fucking piece of shit for ruining the end game for a bunch of kids dude fuck you also here's the other thing how about the guy that was outside of the Avengers? People were waiting in line to see it, and he was spoiled.

There's an article I tweeted about it. I can't log into my Twitter. But he was yelling about it, about what happens, and people beat the shit out of him. You got beaten the shit out of. And that definitely happened in an Asian country. For sure. That's so Asian to happen. happened in an Asian country for sure that's so Asian to happen so Avengers Endgame spoiler man beaten outside Hong Kong cinema there you go a man who obviously didn't get the memo on Avengers

Endgame or chose to ignore it was beaten outside a Hong Kong cinema for shouting out spoilers to fans waiting in line to see the film dude that guy if I saw that guy got here's the thing man I'm never a proponent for people getting beat up. You know, I think. It's like, dude, do you think. I go back and forth on, dude, some people need to get their ass kicked. I'm like, you know, maybe. But also, nah.

We could always work it out if you just fucking use your words, you idiot. You know? But this guy. It's like, we really shouldn't be beating people up. But hey, guy who did this, work with us. Try and help us out. Try and help us out so we don't have to beat the shit out of anybody. Are you going to spoil the endgame in line at endgame? Hey, man, your nose is going to get all bloody.

Someone's going to do a fucking roundhouse kick on you how about that for end and you end the end that's the end of your game i'll tell you that much dude i mean dude like what do you think was gonna happen these first of all the guys who are in line at endgame are fucking the biggest dorks on the planet because they're first in line right wait a week hey dork wait a week but they can't because they don't want to get spoiled they don't want to get spoiled so they wait in line and then you're out there fucking prancing and hollering about how who dies or whatever the fuck in the movie these dorks are like i've never fought at anybody in my life just makes me laugh how you'd fucking do this super simian power or whatever the fucking super sibian power sibian the fucking thing that you get fucked in your vagina for

fucked in your vagina for super thibian power and then they all fucking try to do actual karate because they're dorks and don't know how to fight you know how about the guy that goes like this fucking oh man i could have fucking killed you you ever see that what was it like vine where the guy they go wow and they go oh oh, fuck, man, I almost killed you. Overall. You know which one I'm talking about? Where the guy walks in the kitchen, and they're like, rawr, and he goes, oh, fuck, man, I could have almost killed you. And then he fucking moves his hair at his face. Bitch.

You didn't almost kill someone if you moved your hair at your face afterwards. Fighting is fighting. It's not styling your hair. Please your face afterwards. Fighting is fighting. It's not styling your hair. Please, Fafty, no more. Fighting is crazy. I still can't believe that there's a UFC. My buddy did it. Brendan Shelb did UFC for fucking years. Knocked people out and got knocked out.

That's crazy. That's insane i mean he did the two hardest things that and then stand up after this he's gonna try and be a brain surgeon heart transplant guy doctor um he's gonna be a doctor for stress management and fucking faulty sense gonna have to send somebody to go see him. Please. Fafty no more. So,

so yeah, dude, if I was in the UFC, by the way, why isn't anybody doing it? Let me, I actually know why nobody's doing this, but I'm still asking the question.

Why isn't anybody doing this dude? There needs to be a UFC guy who comes up through the ranks who is super calm and acts like a serial killer that would be the shit that's who i that's out look there's a reason why i'm not a ufc fighter but if i was dude i would be walking in i would have button up all the way to the top slicked to the side hair by a comb and i would sit down and i would talk like they'd be like what do you think for your next fight against fucking cagey mccage dude and i would be like it's interesting you asked that question i'm going to demolish him. And they'd be like,

well, the thing is, why is there nobody that says, the thing that's interesting about fighting is that there's only one winner and one loser. Even if there's a tie, there's either a tiebreaker or they look at the other points. I'm going to end my opponent.

And if I don't end him physically, I'm going to end him mentally And if I don't end him physically I'm going to end him mentally afterwards By shaming him publicly And I'm going to find him And I'm going to kill him Oh! Why is there nobody that does that? Hello audience

I'm here to weigh in Weigh me I guarantee I weigh as much as i have to because i have steadfast determination when it comes to this stuff and anytime the other guy says something about him like i'm gonna fucking kick your fucking ass he just goes you make me laugh big boy are you kidding me ufc superimposed graphics more eyeballs i'm gonna kick that motherfucker's ass oh that makes me laugh i'm going to eat you in the cage, big boy.

With glasses just to the side, cocked. You're nothing. I hope you don't give me your back. I'm going to fuck your anus if that's what happens. Please, Fofty, please, Fofty. If that's what happens. Please. Please. Dude, are you kidding me? Why is nobody doing that?

The only guy who comes close to doing that is Ewan McGregor. Conor McGregor. And it's not even close, dude. It's not even close. I'm your fucking daddy. That was the closest he came. Tell him I'm his fucking daddy. No.

Not good enough, dude. You're great. Entertainment-wise. You're fucking Muhammad Ali of the now. But come on, bro. Get a guy out there that doesn't move. That's just sitting there there i can't wait for this fight just not doesn't look at anybody just like this i can't wait for this fight

he thinks he's going to beat me but i'm going to fuck i'm going to fuck his anus and and fuck him up pocket protectors and shit that's the best ufc guy that's it why is nobody pretending they're the serial killer version of that shit i'm hot yes fuck yes oh yes dude it's 85 degrees in here because of the lights yes i love being a fucking so hot dude sitting in a room for no reason not even doing anything no matter what you're shooting you get hot because of the lights yes i do the stand-up shows it's always hot on stage yes i do fucking i shoot for you it's always hot because all the lights and it's a big production. Yes. In my podcast room, sitting down, just talking.

Is it too hot? Yes. Fuck yes. I love being too hot, dude. Am I sweating too much? Yes. Fuck yeah, dude. Is it like I'm playing baseball?

Yes. So annoying no matter what the fuck you shoot, you got. Dude, I got right now i got fucking just just cascading i got a waterfall of sweat just cascading down my fucking triple black diamond ab course you want to do a tricky ski course dude Try skiing down my fucking tummy. See if you don't hyperextend your knees. Fuck yeah, dude. Too hot, baby. It's too hot. You going to fucking stagecoach?

Imagine going to stagecoach. I got my horses in the bag. Ain't gonna tell me nothing. Stage coach lineup. Let's just look at it so we can get all pissed. Let's look at the stage

coach lineup. Here we go. Luke Bright. Oh, go up to that photo bitch oh my god this photo of Luke Bryant Luke what is it Luke Brian Bryant Luke Bryant two first names can't fucking can't do that to you kid so bitch this photo dude look at go up to it it looks like he's going,

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. God, that guy couldn't look more like he's from fucking Ventura, California. He's got a song that's called Doing My Thang. Ugh. It's anything. These are the people. These are the people

in the fucking thing. Listen to these names. Luke Bryan, Cole Swindell, Swindell, Kane Brown. I mean, these names,

dude. Luke Bryan, Cole Swindell, Kane Brown, Brett Michaels, Scotty McCreary, Russell Dickerson. Are you fucking kidding me?

These names, Devin Dawson, Joe Diffie, Cody Johnson, Tyler Rich. Dude, this is amazing. Brandon Lay, Dan Tominski. That's the only one that doesn't kind of go. Ashley Monroe, John Langston, Carlton Anderson. Are you fucking shitting me? These names?

This is like the white version of fucking LaShawn LaCroix. Sam Hunt. His voice is as smooth as butter, huh, Sam Hunt? Luke Combs. Leonard Skinner. Michael Ray. Jesse James Decker. Travis Denningning Whiskey Myers

Hey guy Do you own a pair of boots? Aubrey Sellers I mean every one of these Even Rachel Womack Like Womack is such a fucking country. Charlie Crockett, dude. Are you fucking kidding me?

Crockett? These names are so country, I forgot about them. Jason Aldean. Old Dominion. Lauren Alaina. Wow, this is hilarious, dude. Tom Jones. Jordan Davis. Lauren Alaina. Wow, this is hilarious, dude. Tom Jones. Jordan Davis.

Danielle Bradbury. Mark Chestnut. Whitey Morgan. Mitchell Tenpenny? Oh, go fuck yourself, dude. Oh, go fuck yourself. Go fuck your country ass, dude. Are you kidding me, dude?

Mitchell Tenpenny? Go fuck yourself, man. Jimmy Allen? Terry Clark? Parker Millsap? Abby Anderson? Alright, you know what, dude? Ruby Boots?

Are you fucking kidding me, dude? Look at this. Featuring Guy Fieri's stagecoach Smokehouse. Hey! featuring Guy Fieri's stagecoach Smokehouse. Hey! Dude, fucking straight up powder would go to this thing and be like, oh, this is too white. Are you shitting me?

Irish people fucking from Ireland who can't go out in the sun read this lineup and they get a tan. This is unreal. Nikki Lane's stage top, stage stop marketplace. Dude, Nikki Lane's stage stop marketplace. Unbelievable, all these names wow white fuck head powder if that was a name on this if white fuck head powder

was a name on this lineup it would be the fourth whitest name. Do you know why? Ruby Boots, Whiskey Myers, and Mitchell Tenpenny. Mitchell Tenpenny sounds like a fucking fake Batman villain real name. Like, he's Mitchell Tenpenny by day, but by night. He's Dr. Giggles. Every one of these names deserve a eh.

Dude, stagecoach, bro. Come on, man. Go home. Fuck it, man. They're making money. You can't fault them. Love when people are making money. Love when people get fucking bags. They're all part of the bags unit. That's crazy, dude.

Wow. Can't nobody tell me nothing. Can't tell me nothing. Why is he not on it? Lil Nas X. Oh, wow. Got the horses in the bag and the horses in the track and the horses in the rag and the horses in the brag. If that song was that, it would still be a big hit.

The same amount of hits. All right, let's do Miss Connections. Where are we going for Miss Connections this week? The Inland Empire, which I have a feeling is going to be real dirty. When you get to the Inland Empire, it's real fucking dirty, man. Inland Empire is a fucking, is a motherfucker. Wow. Okay.

Well, starting off with a bang. I would love to watch someone suck on it so good. This guy should write a book, huh? Really great sentence, dude. I would love to watch someone suck on it so good. The fact that he added so good is great. I would love to watch someone suck on it so good. The fact that he added so good is great.

I have like, first of all, the body of this starts with a comma. Hey, guy, no sentence starts with a comma. I have like two hours. I'm by Johnson and Palmdale Road. It's throbbing so, so good. I even get some bomb Tina to share. Even got some bomb Tina to share. My dick is going to explode. Oh, well, do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Hey, dude, I even got some bomb Tina to share. What a great aside. Dude, my cock's going to explode.

Need one to suck it so, so good. However, I haven't got some bomb Tina to share. Wow. Inland Empire up to no good. What else we got here? Okay. Well, so sad. Well, the subject of this one is sad.

Let's see if the body changes what it means. Looking for dad. The body is student here looking for dad with large tool. Okay, it changed. Not really from a fucking fatherless home anymore. Need help with school project, email, wait, what? Student here looking for dad with large tool,

definitely sexual, wow, this thing bounces back and forth from sexual to not sexual within sentences. Looking for dad, student here looking for dad with large tool, look, looking for dad, not sexual, student here looking for dad with large tool. Look, looking for dad, not sexual. Student here looking for dad with large tool. This is sexual. Need help with school project.

Not sexual anymore. The guy went bam, bam, bam, bam. Email for details and number. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Do it. Student here looking for dad with large tool. Need help with school project. Want to fuck in the ass.

Psych. Need help with a paper. That's basically what he's saying. All right. Want to suck you off. Psych. Need someone to help me fucking lay my graph out. Oh, man.

Wow. Oh, this one starts sad, too. It really is a boring day so far. Anyone want to chat about anything? Inland Empire. And then the body is, let me know if you're interested. Do not contact me once the services are offers hey guy just get twitter just start tweeting people tweet back to you that's a real weird one that's an odd non-sexual one have a feeling it's

sexual though have a feeling if a girl or a guy or whatever he's into tweet wrote back hey man my cock's gonna explode he'd be like well that sounds interesting let's let's get back to here and see what's going on uh i'm looking for a vanilla ice cream i have a gh available what's gh do you know i'm hosting in my place looking to eat your vanilla creamy ice cream oh god you know i have a gh ready clean inside and outside. GH? Glory hole? Good house? Good half? Gotta be glory hole.

Yeah. I'm looking for a vanilla ice cream. I have a glory hole available. Jesus Christ. That's like a fucking real thing. Hey, guy. Just say it. Anybody want to stick their cock in a hole do not contact me with unsolicited services or offered offers okay wow how about glory holes dude what hey dude what? Hey, dude.

So trustworthy. Dude, you're going to stick your most vulnerable part of your body in a random hole? So trustworthy. What if the person on the other side roughs you up? What if the person on the other side is the opposite sex of what you're into? What if the person on the other side bites your dick off?

So trustworthy. I'll tell you what, man. If someone has ever used a glory hole, ever, even once, that's a person you tell a secret to. That person is a trustworthy motherfucker oh wow well that's good huh we're good please faulty no more faulty dude oh man Oh, man. Oh, wait. I need that back. Nice. Thanks. Download the Crystalia app, too. You can go to my app and see the podcast before you see anybody, before anyone else sees it.

You know what that sentence is supposed to be. We've got merch. You can go get your dents shirts or this frick conch. Or just support Congratulations Podcast by getting the Congratulations Podcast shirt. We also have the Do Not Contact Me With Unsolicited Services or Offers shirt, which is my favorite one. That's my favorite one. We're coming to Edmonton, Victoria, B.C., Memphis, Tennessee, Chattanooga, Tennessee, and Knoxville, Tennessee. Got some new dates added too.

Got San Jose, Chicago, Illinois. All added shows here. And we'll see you this weekend, Des Moines. And where else? Fargo? Wells Fargo North Dakota Wells Fargo North Dakota um Fargo North Dakota Edmond uh what the fuck Sioux Falls South Dakota never been to either one of those places and Des Moines Iowa very cool got two shows there tonight. Bags, baby. And remember, dude, if you have a problem with Fofty, just text him. Thanks, guys. Outro Music