Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 119. Neighbor-Dick Dope Man

Episode Date: May 7, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about Homicide with Logic and Eminem, Also discussed: Instagram hiding likes, Ludacris, Nate Dogg, some nice family stories, and drunk moms. We bring back MFUIPOTW and we we take a look at weird Missed Connections from Boston. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Here we go. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, I'm starting my podcast right now. And I'm always fucking happy to be here, man. I'm always happy to be here. And that's great to have a job that you love.

I'm very fortunate. Some people don't. Let's go over some dates here. May 18th, I'll be in Edmonton. May 19th, I'll be in Victoria, B.C. June 27th, Memphis, Tennessee. June 28th, Chattanooga, Tennessee. June 29th, Knoxville, Tennessee. So get your tickets because those will sell out. We're live on my app right now. And you can download my app anywhere. And you can see the podcast before anybody ever sees it in the whole fucking world um and let's get going shit man

it's been an eventful week for me uh i've been telling people that i have the number one song in the world which is crazy it's my really my first uh my first uh kind of stab at making making real music uh no yeah i know a lot of you guys are probably wondering me about want to hear me talk about the fucking eminem logic song i should say logic eminem song is logic featuring eminem but yeah man i fucking they they They called me a week ago before the, like maybe five days before the song came out. And my manager was like, look, you know the Emperor Logic? And I was like, yeah. And he was like, okay, so Eminem and him are doing a song. Eminem and him are doing a song and you know

they're gonna Eminem put your impression of him at the end of the song and I was like great so like he wants to know if they can use it and I was like are you fucking kidding me

and he was like I'm gonna say yes but, I'm going to say yes. But, like, I'm going to protect you as much as I can, okay? And, like, I'm trying to get you money. By the way, I don't know how much this is going to be. And I was like, dude, no, don't ask for money. Just give it to him. I don't care.

I'm not a rapper. Let him use it on the song. It's comedy. Fine. So, you know and then and then i fucking put it and then i put it on and then they put it on it came out it's just like i'll tell you one thing man look you do all these things as a comedian or you know whatever industry you're in you know as an actor as a comedian as a the entertainment world, whatever the fuck you want to say, all this stuff, you reach goals as they go on.

And I've been wanting to do specials. I do specials. Bam. My first special that came out, that was a mark in my career that was amazing for me. Those are the things that even though they goals you ex you you you expect them in a way because you you have confidence about yourself in your career you're like i'm gonna do a special one day it happens you're like wow i can't believe i'm doing this but you also you knew that this was the goal this kind of stuff is always like really special because you don't know

that it's gonna happen you know you always, you always thought, oh, cool. I'm a comedian. But when this shit happens, it's like, holy fuck. I've been a big Eminem fan for a long time. I've been listening to a lot to logic for quite some time now too. Before that.

And, but I mean, an Eminem song for like 20 years. So when he, when he posted the tweet, when he tweeted about me, that was really cool. He tweeted about my impression. But then when he put it at the end of the tweet, when he tweeted about me, that was really cool. He tweeted about my impression. But then when he put it at the end of the thing, it's just kind of fucking crazy to me, man.

Like it's just so weird. It's a trip. It's cool. It's awesome. And that's all I really have to say about it because, you know, to even – I know you guys want me to talk about it. This is why I'm talking about it. But it's very cool. Part of me wants to play it cool and be like, yeah, you know, it's like we're all in this biz together.

But it's like it's fucking – you know, it's very cool. And it's cool to see like i mean this shit is worldwide like people from germany are like i just found out who this comedian is uh that does an impression of eminem right uh here's an american comedian there was this other guy that was doing a a fucking um reaction video i don't get reaction videos on i guess it's just like a a thing on youtube but they're like there was one guy that was like reacting off of my video or off of my impressions on eminem impressions and it was so funny dude the guy was just like he kept on being like all right man he's on to something man he's on to

something eminem he's on see i'm saying that shit that eminem rhyme shit that don't rhyme um there's reaction videos the song now has 11 million views on uh on the uh what do you call it uh youtube and then i posted way too many napkins as a comment and it has 9 000 likes and then i look at oh you know what the dorkiest shit is reading that's the guy i'm gonna play a little bit of that. Reading the comments on the YouTube, the song, the YouTube. Oh, my God, dude. Oh, my God. Maybe I know what it's like now for people who fucking come across babies that are, like, doing my language and shit. People are like, what the fuck are these lunatics doing?

Which I appreciate and love because you're going to help us build the fucking log cabin um uh look at look at i'm just gonna read some of these fucking this is just so funny to me police questions me, how can you identify Eminem? Me. He doesn't breathe. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! It's all about... Eminem and Logic drops Homicide. Entire mumble rap community.

Ah shit, here we go again. Look at this. These guys aren't humans. No oxygen needed. Just throwing fire. Look at this. Logic r aren't humans. No oxygen needed. Just throwing fire. Look at this. Logic wraps fast. Eminem, hold my oxygen. Dude, it's so dorky, but love him. Oh my God. People cutting down trees was never really the problem.

It was Logic and Eminem rapping together. Because they take all the honor. Here we go. Ariana Grande, seven rings. Logic and Eminem, seven lungs. Half-assed it. Look at this. Plot twist.

Eminem is Logic's father. A what? Plot twist on a song. Like it's Game of Thrones. Wow. Here's another one. Like it's Game of Thrones. Wow. Here is another one. Logic M&M.

We have broke the internet. Mumble rappers. What it cost. Logic M&M. Oxygen. What? Dude. Oh, man.

That's so funny. This guy. What's the guy? What's this video here? What is the guy? Reacting. I guess this guy's pretty popular. Here, this guy.

It's a little penis. I mean, it's this guy. No life shack. His name is. So this guy is just great. Let's check this out. Y'all know we react to comedy a little bit on this channel. So this is fit right in. And it's very relevant to what's going on right now. So we're going bit on this channel. So this will fit right in. And it's very relevant to what's

going on right now. So we finna check this out. I actually want to see him do the impersonations. I don't want to hear the audio. I want to see him do it. Let's get it. He's starting it off with Eminem rapping. Hmm?

Of course I'm on tour. I'm getting into divorce. Get past this. That's exactly how Eminele Rappers, bro. He'll start off with something, go way left field. You'll forget what he started with, and then he'll come back and circle it around with what he started with. That's exactly how Eminele Rappers, bro. He bends and folds words to make it how Emmanuel Rapp is, bro. He bends and

folds words to make it fit in his rhyme scheme, bro. And that's exactly what he was doing. I mean, I'm doing it. You know? And then he's just telling people I'm doing it. And this has 100,000 views. This guy this guy kind of kills it, huh?

This guy kills it. This guy's fucking he's kind of, he's huh? This guy kills it. This guy's fucking... He's watchable, though, for sure. Anyway, fucking... That's been my world for the week. It's been very cool. It's just cool when people fucking kind of appreciate what you do. You know what I mean? It's just cool when people fucking kind of appreciate what you do.

You know what I mean? I got off the airplane early. I got off the airplane. Dude, I got off the airplane. I talk about loud talkers a lot. This guy was the king loud talker. I got off the airplane from Fargo for some reason. I was in Fargo for some reason. And the guy got off the airplane.

You know how some people take phone calls right when the plane lands? First of all, bury yourself. If you take a phone call right when the plane lands, it's very simple. Make a pile of dirt from a hole. Get in the hole. Cover the dirt over you, right?

Because, bury yourself, because you're a worse person, all right? So he got off the plane. We landed, and the guy just takes a phone call, and I swear to God, he said he was talking so loud. You know, because we're in L.A. now, and, you know, it's time to make this money. It's time to make this money. And I ain't fucking around because it's time to make this money. It's time to make this money. And I ain't fucking around because I'm going to make this money. And like because because first off, I got so much money that I can't spend it.

He's saying this out loud on the plane. It was. Unbelievable. You know, I mean? I got this money and we're going to be making this money because I got so much money I can't even spend it fast enough. He was saying that on the plane with everybody. with everybody and i i was talking about how i want to start saying to the guys uh i there was i want to start saying to these people like while they're talking like um i was actually telling my buddy ben bailey this. I was like, I want to start talking to the people about how they, when they're talking on the phone, I want to fucking talk with them.

Like when they're like, yeah, so I'll be home at four and I'll be like, oh, I want to be like, oh, where are you going? And then be like, what? I'm not talking to you. And I want to say, well, yes, you are because you're so loud and in public and I'm a part of this now. And Ben Bailey was like, oh, yeah, I used to do a bit about that on stage. I was like, OK, well, OK, I guess I won't do that. So look up Ben Bailey's bit on that. He's really funny.

Yeah, dude, I don't for the life of me, man, I'll never get Too loud talkers and I'll never get Too soft talkers Do I like that? No I don't Do I hate it? Yeah Is it all good? No Should you be more quiet if you're too loud? Yes, you should be more quiet if you're too quiet

Yes, I don't know why people don't know the fucking normal way to talk It's this loud It's this loud. It's this loud. It's talking this loud. I don't know what the fuck. Instagram is getting rid of likes, I heard, that they're doing this in Canada. They tested this.

Did you know about this? One Fire knows about it. Ivan Getrid definitely doesn't know about it because he doesn't have as much of a social presence. But I, social media presence. So they tested it out in Canada about how they're going to start to not let people see other people's likes. You can only see your likes. And they hope the bottom line is

less people will kill themselves. And that's probably true they're doing it in a step forward for mental health because how if you if you because like a lot of these like young girls mostly will like look at other people's likes and and then when they're like 13 they'll be like well she got fucking 400 likes and i only got 300 likes and she's more popular and this and that so if they can't see the other girls likes then then they feel like that you can't

compare yourself to other people and that you feel better about yourself and they're probably right about that and the real shitheads though will still post it on their story they'll be like I got 3000 likes on this haha die motherfuckers but I even I do that I don't think i do it in an unhealthy way but i'll

be like oh fucking you know i look at other comedians that are doing what i do i'll be like i wonder what they fucking what what popular posts they do and what's the thing that they do and then what and then what do i get most likes on but i look at it as a business and a brand but i guess like i guess so do they and it's just like but it's like yo if you're fucking 12 don't think about branding think about kicking the ball or somewhere or fucking collecting my little ponies you know i think it's fucking in i think it's insane i don't know if i had kids i would you like getting them a cell phone like a smartphone fuck that dude you know what maybe the answer is when you have a baby as soon as it comes out of the pussy you go here's

your smartphone so they get they get used to it so it's not like a fucking thing or maybe it's not maybe you don't get them a phone until like i think if i have a kid honestly i wouldn't get them a phone until they were about 30. I would be like, happy birthday. And they'd be like, oh, finally, I got my first phone. I'll be like, what's all this shit? And they're like, now you can text dad. And I'm 75.

Now you can text your father. Here you go. Oh, I finally gave my daughter. What'd you get? I finally let my daughter get a smartphone. Yeah. She turned 30. So i got her a fucking cell phone uh and anyway she's really really really liking it she plays bejeweled she's not that advanced she doesn't really know what the fuck people are talking about even i said something was lit the other day and she said what does that mean and i'm 75 um yeah so they're getting rid of likes which is crazy dude i can't wait for the fucking shit to go down on that i can't wait for that dude it's gonna that's gonna level some

people dude girls who show their assholes what's happen? Because they don't know how to stack up against the other girls showing their assholes. The peach emoji, bro. The peach emoji pictures, they're going to be fucked. All those peach emoji pictures, these girls are going to be like, but I got 20,000. But what about you? Oh, yeah. You're in fucking. What do you call it?

What's that place that they're all in? What's the fucking place that they all go to with the beach? The Amalfi Coast is a good one. Yeah. The Amalfi Coast. Those pictures are fucked. I got 30,000. But is a good one. Yeah, the Amalfi Coast. Those pictures are fucked. I got 30,000 votes. Is that good or bad?

I don't even know if that's good or bad. I can't wait to see some pizza-eating girl just not knowing what other people's likes are. I can't wait to not see these likes, by the way. I can't fucking wait to not see these likes. You think I want to see other people's likes on Instagram? Dude, show me my likes and that's it. I can't wait till they roll this shit out.

I was at this restaurant the other night and people were just taking... Dude, these restaurants are just building spots that people can take Instagram photos in front of. Building spots that people could take Instagram photos in front of. It's like, dude, put a vest with a bunch of pockets on and take a fucking hike, dude. Get out of here. Imagine being able to see this. This is why I could never do anything but what I do. If I was going to be a restaurant owner and somebody was like, well, we need to figure out the spot to put to where we're going to put the fucking

place where people could post Instagrams from, I would be like, hey, what? And they'd be like, well, we need to put a fucking cool background with like wings or a halo so some fucking idiot that's 19 can stand under it and then post on it and then we can put the hashtag

Chris's Grill. I would be like, oh dude, can stand under it and then post on it and then we can put the hashtag chris's grill i would be like oh dude you're fired and my shit will go down in flames i guess i'm officially the fucking old guy dude because people are like talking about how like because i guess bieber was like i don't like how how Eminem makes fun of all the young rappers. He's like, I like the young rap, the generation of young rap. I guess some of it is okay. But who are you talking about? Kendrick Lamar?

J. Cole? Or are you talking about fucking Kodak Black? Are you talking about, you know what I mean? That autotune shit. It sounds good, but like, people say like, it's corny to rhyme all this shit i was like a lot of these rappers will just say a bunch of fast shit all together and it's corny cornier than my girl thought my pool was an ocean oh cornier than that Oh, cornier than that?

Cornier than fucking Kodak Black, dude? Cornier than that? Because no, you know, hey, you know, no. You know, no, though. you know no though you know none of what any of those rappers who are lyrical you know they're not cornier than that look at look at diamond pacifier that kodak black i swear to god kodak black is fucking trolling me at this point i made fun of him talking like looking like a simpson he made his hair look yellow and triangular like a simpson and now he's gonna buy a fucking baby pacifier thing bro

are you trolling me motherfucker are you making fun of babies because I will tell you right now we'll get the fucking come on dude Kodak black are you trolling me bro but yeah like Kodak Black? Are you trolling me, bro?

But yeah, like... Heartbreak Kid, Heartbreak Kodak, HBK, whatever, Akron. True story, ain't no lie. Wise men can play a fool, but a fool can't play wise. That's on a poster with a fucking whale's tail on it. Dude, you're saying lines that are in the mall.

You're saying lines that I can go into one of those fucking stores in and I could get like a fucking eagle soaring. Any line. You judge me by my cover so you can't read between my lines. There you go. Judge me by my cover but you can't read between my lines. There you go. Judge me by my cover but you can't read between my lines. I fucking – you can go into one of those bullshit stores in the mall where they have the fucking framed posters of a puffin and you can see that shit under it. Excellence. You know those fucking – God, those stores in the mall.

When I was – I swear to God, I was four. I would walk by those stores in the mall and I would be like, kind of fucking lost idiot would ever buy it's a his businesses i guess imagine being just like some lady with like kids and you walk by one of those what were they called like in success what successories that's what they would call that shit. Successories. Wow, the whole thing was cute. It was a store in the mall. I don't know if they still have them. I mean, but they would be, you could go by framed prints of like a whale breaching the ocean. And it will be like, you only see the success.

You don't see the hard work. You know? see the success you don't see the hard work you know teamwork and then a bunch of fucking people rowing a boat on like in like dusk teamwork is the ability to work together toward a common vision the ability to direct individual accomplishment toward organizational objective hey fucking snore fest dude no come on look look what you got to read teamwork imagine imagine reading this shit and and being like well my life's different now teamwork teamwork is the ability to work together towards a common vision the ability to direct individual accomplishment towards organizational objective it is the fuel that allows common people to attain uncommon results

at the end it should just go frrt for a fart noise and then they take the picture of the people just rowing and shit this is kodak black right here teamwork is the ability to work towards a common vision I love when these dumb fucking rappers just try to get like all it's so funny dude these rappers would be like you know this album

they basically just you know I had to speak what the fuck I was going to you know it would be like like Ludacris would do this shit. I mean, Ludacris is older now, but he would be like, you know, this album was really about what it's like for me, you know?

And, uh, so that's basically, and then it would just be a song about cars. These rappers are fucking unreal. You know, this is really more about my life, this album. This album is about basically what I'm talking about in my life, you know, what's going on in my life. And if you don't like it, they always act like, and if you don't like it, you know, that's just me speaking on what's my truth, dog. If you don't like it, then that's on you. Anyway, here we go. Oh, yeah, you got so much money you can't stop that?

Oh, really? You know me? I just basically, it's like, who are you kidding, really? You're not me? I just basically... It's like... Who are you kidding, man? Legendary. Oh, that's a joke one, right? No?

He was not a practical joke, nor was he a fool, but he was determinedly original and had a vague and modest idea of himself as a legendary figure. No, that's not. That's got to be a joke one. It's on Successories.com? Create your own...

Oh, now they have a create your own... Okay, well, that's awful. I want to get one of just my face. Like this. Someone just my face like this. Someone just do like this and make it look like it's like dusk on my face and have it be like under it,

be like, it will be like, it'll say some shit like, you know what? Let's see. Let's's see let's have one somebody be the bridge excellence that's what i'll do that's what i that's my favorite one have my face like this and then under it excellence and then just under it write something like sometimes we are coming and farting and then sell that at the mall dude hey yeah you know rap is about my life you know it's basically if you don't like it

um but we're talking about the real stuff you know the real stuff that's really like affecting us um and if you don't like it then anyway here's the song oh wow the abominable ho man. Oh, wow. The abominable ho man. Hey, man. The abominable ho man. And motherfuckers are out there getting like canceled because they work for Pepsi and they're like, well, you know, women make better nurses. And then it was like, what?

Cancel him. Cancel that motherfucker. And then you got a fucking. Y'all know it's the abominable ho man. And this guy's got 50 mil. And everyone's just like, hoes. I've got hoes. In different area.

Area. Like the temptations are in it. Area. Area. Area. Coats. I've got hoes in different area, area. Like the temptations are in it. Area, area codes. And motherfuckers are out there getting canceled because they work for fucking, you know, Kaiser Permanente. And he was like, well, you know, I can't cook as well as my wife because, you know, that's how she was raised. Cancel that motherfucker. Barry Kaiser Permanente.

By the way... ...worldwide, yet act like y'all know it's the abominable ho-man. Globetrot, international postman. Neighbor dick dope man. Neighbor dick dope man. Ah! Dude. The National Postman. Neighbor Dick Dope Man. Neighbor Dick Dope Man. Dude. Neighbor Dick Dope Man.

Wait, hold on a second. Like he was really writing this down. Neighbor Dick Dope Man. Hold on. Hey, this was before we had the cell phone. You write everything. Here we go. Abominable ho man.

Neighbor dick dope man, you know, because they say neighborhood dope man, right? But you could change it to dick. Abominable snowman. Because abominable ho man that go together and then neighborhood. We can't think of. I mean, nothing really rhymes with hood but you could just put dick in there like anyway get a plane and some hoes and let's shoot the video um unbelievable dude area i love i love nate dog dude i fucking love nate dog i mean the guy fucking crooned bro and he didn't give a

fuck what he was crooning about too i got cum in your eye i got cum in your eye bitch and then he would back it up but be like comes in your eye bitch um And then he would back it up and be like, comes in your eye, bitch. Area, area, area. Right here. This part, right? That's so funny. You go, area. 774-447-725 and a 77.

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Yeah. I was talking to my dad and he said once he was like there was a story that I was reminded I was like I should tell that I'm a podcast because I want to do this to my kid you know think about like

the first time you ever throw up. Think about like how that must feel. Like you're like, what the fuck is going on? Why do I feel so weird? Something weird is happening in my body. It's like the opposite end of the spectrum for busting a nut. You're like, whoa, what's going on? When you're busting a nut. You're like, whoa, what's going on? When you're busting a nut, you're like, whoa, what's going on?

This is a weird thing. It feels tremendously amazing. But for throwing up, you're like, oh, I feel tremendously bad. When I first was going to throw up when I was a real young, young, young kid, my dad was like, I was like, dad, I don't feel good. I don't know what's going on. I was like, what's going on? I was like, was like dad i don't feel good i don't know what's going on i was like what's going on i was like my tummy feels wheeled and he was like well yeah but okay i was like yeah that feels really wheeled and he was like oh i think you're gonna throw up and i was like what's

that and he was like okay so when you're when something you eat doesn't agree with you or you get a little bit sick, sometimes the food, instead of pooping it out, it comes up again through your mouth and you have to throw it up and you go to the toilet and do it. And I was like so scared. I was like so, I started crying. I was like, what are you talking about? No, I want it to come out of my butt. And he was like, no.

He's like, it's okay. You can't help it. It comes out of your mouth sometimes. And I was like, no, I talking about? No, I want it to come out of my butt. And he was like, no. He's like, it's okay. You can't help it. It comes out of your mouth sometimes. And I was like, no, I don't want to do it. And he was like, look, it's okay. I'll help you. So he brought me to the bathroom, and he turned me to face the toilet. And he was like, look, just relax.

Your food's going to come up. And I was like, I don't like it. I don't want it. What's happening? And he was like, I don't like it. I don't want to know what's happening. And he was like, don't worry about it. You're going to throw up in the bathroom, in the toilet, and it's going to be fine. And I couldn't do it. I couldn't like relax and let myself do it.

And it wasn't at the point to where it was going to rocket out of me. And I was so scared. And he said I was crying and shit. And so he said, you know what? And he turned me around. And I looked at him. And he said he could tell that I was so scared. And he said, why don't you just throw up on me?

He said, it's all good. I'm right here. Just throw up on me. And he goes like this. And he said, I just want to. just throw up on me and he goes like this and he said i just wouldn't and threw up all over him all over his chest like some fucking japanese porno and he said he saw the look on my face to where i was like oh well if i was gonna if it's okay to throw up on him it must not be that bad. And that's so sweet, you know?

And my dad tells that story every now and then. And it makes me feel good that my dad let me throw up on him. Because how many of you can say you throw up on your dad? A lot of you probably have thrown up on your dad, but not because he asked you to. And I want to do that to my kid. I can't wait until my kid's going to be queasy and I can be like, oh, throw up on me, throw up on me.

Because that's so sweet. I don't remember that happening, but my dad's told that story so many times that I imagine it happening. And maybe I remember our bathroom in the old house and shit. And now I have a memory of it, even though I don't have a memory of it

because he's told it so much. Yeah. Fucking kids, dude. You got to, like, that also could have had an adverse effect. That could totally be like a thing that I like. I think it was a good thing for me. It made me feel like I trusted my dad and I also felt like I could throw, throwing up is okay.

But what if it fucked me up and like, I just wanted to be an adult and like, and I could only like get my rocks off by throwing up on people. Um, Hmm. Weird things. Kids fucking, your kid shit makes you,

I remember my mom, dude, when I was a kid, one time, oh dude, this is the best. One time when I was a kid, my brother and I got in a fight and he was on the ground

and I was joking with him. I took out my penis and I was like, I'm going to pee on you. We were so little. I remember this, though. I legitimately remember this. And my brother says, no, no, no, no. And I say, don't move. If you move, I'm going to pee on you.

And my brother's like, no, no, no. And I remember, like, you know, I was too young to understand that this wasn't going to work. But you know how like you can do like a – you make someone flinch and you pretend like you're going to punch them but you don't punch them because you just pull a punch back. And they see you pull your punch back and they go like, wait, I don't – and then the joke is like, ha-ha, almost got you. I did that with my piss. Haha, almost got you. I did that with my piss. And you can't – I was like if I pretend – I let my body like let go and I was like I'm just going to pretend to pee.

I did the flinch. You can't flinch piss. Your piss is going to come out. So I stopped my – I went to pee a little bit and then stopped it. But I realized too late that you can't do that because then piss is going to come out. But like I thought the piss was going to get sucked up back into my penis. And my brother goes, no. And it legit just went right in his mouth. He went, no.

And it goes, oh. And he goes. And I go, oh. And my brother ran downstairs. And he was like, mom. And I remember thinking, all right. If I just fucking commit. She won't believe that I did that.

And it'll be like Matt's making it up. And I ran right after him. And Matt was like, Mom, Chris pissed in my mouth. And I said, No, I didn't. Why would I do that? And my mom was like,

Matt. He was like, He did. I was like, Mom, why would I pee in someone's mouth that was the first time i ever fucking really lied and we've admitted it since obviously i've come clean to my mommy that it did piss in my brother's mouth. My mom would get so mad at us sometimes, dude. She would always say, this was her line, dude, when we were fucking around upstairs.

And she was downstairs cooking pierogies, which smelled like fucking dogs' anuses. My mom would cook pierogies, dude. Dude, I would get a, dude, they would smell so bad. I guess she liked them, but I would be like, mom, please don't cook pierogies. She'd be like, we're going to have pierogies tonight. I'm like, no, I'm not eating it. I'm not eating pierogies. I've never eaten pierogies, dude, because they smelled so bad.

And she was like, well, they're a Polish dish. And ever since then, anytime someone says Polish food, I'm like, ugh. I'm like, what the fuck is the smell? I was like, mom, what's the smell? She's like, I think it's the butter is the smell I was like mom what's the smell she's like I think it's the butter the way I cook it dude I would be like when you cook pierogies please tell me so I can stay in my bedroom with the door closed cause it would stink up the whole house

anyway what a little brat ass bitch ass kid too just didn't want to eat what my mom was making and pissing in my younger brother's mouth cool dick but my mom anytime we were fucking around my mom was making and pissing in my younger brother's mouth cool dick um but my mom anytime we were fucking around my mom would say

by the way she never hit us once but she would she would always say i'm coming up swinging she would be like stop right now or i'm coming up swinging and we would laugh dude because we would think of my mom coming up just like flailing her arms and shit my brother always thought of imagine her with the wooden spoon just like like just blindly fucking swinging and we'd have to move out of the way dude we would laugh we would be fighting each other and then my mom would be like i'm coming up swinging and then we would start laughing and then bond over it and then become best friends so thanks mom for that thanks for threatening us about coming up swinging one time i was doing fucking michael jackson's bad i had on my i had this jet starter jacket and i thought it was cool that i was

wearing a jacket and i was singing the bad song. I was like, who's bad? I was doing all the Michael Jackson music. I used to love Michael Jackson when I was the age where he would have fucked me. And so I did the whole fucking thing and I was dancing and singing and I was – and my mom was downstairs. But she was like watching me like kind of. And then when I was done doing the bad dancing and singing, she started clapping. And that was the most embarrassed I have ever been in my life.

Dude, she started clapping. And I was like, oh, my God. I felt like someone just like I felt like a whole sea of people just saw my asshole. Like that's how embarrassed I was. And I was like, what are you doing? And she was like, what? I thought it and she and I was like what are you doing and she was like what I thought it was good it was funny I was like no you can't just fucking watch me dance like Michael Jackson

with my Jets jacket on I think I had no shirt on underneath it too because I really was bad to the bone dude and I really did dance like Michael Jackson when I was a young kid one time I did it at the airport I was just killing it, doing spin moves and shit outside.

And then later on at my gate, this guy was like, hey, I saw you dancing like Michael Jackson, and I got really embarrassed. Dude, I don't get embarrassed anymore, really. I really don't. I think it's because I did shit like that so much, and now that I'm a comedian, I pretty much am doing dumb shit like that all the time.

And I'm immune to it, babies. And I'm immune to it, my babies. Man, a lot of childhood stories, dude. The last one I told about how my fucking family, how when I stepped in the ditch and my knee hyperextended and I started crying so I told this girl my grandma died.

That shit was just so insane. I can't believe I admitted that. What a pussy. You got to admit that shit though, you know? You got to admit that shit. I wish I knew what this note I took meant. My mom's saying what... Oh, I kind of vaguely remember it.

What? She said what? I don't remember, whatever. Everyone's just getting so crazy. My mom, she drank some wine the other night, that was what it was, and then she's saying some shit.

Oh man, how about when moms get drunk, you know? It's just so much a certain kind of drunk. when a mom gets drunk if you've had a kid come out of you and you get drunk it's a certain style of drunk i don't know what it is about you not having like like a single woman who never had a kid gets drunk differently dude a single woman who never had a kid they get drunk and they're just like yeah what's up woo fuck it you know we're having a good time let's do this but a mom drunk will like tell you the darkest secrets in the family like when your mom's drunk, she'll be like, well, you know,

you know, cousin Rich, you know, you know he's gay, right? You're like, what? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like, what are you talking about? He's gay. He's had,

you're like, he's been married for 40 years. I know. He has a separate family. He's gay. He has another husband. Down the beach. And he goes over there. And, you know, I don't know if they... And the dad will be like, all right, well, we don't know that for sure.

And he'll be like, yeah, you do. You know that for sure. You told me. And he'll be like, uh... And you'll have like a new girlfriend. Yeah. Chris's gay cousin rich he's older and because really that that's the thing you know she'll say some shit like he has a lot of like male friends if you're 65 and you have another male friend this is something a fucking drunk mom would say for sure if you're 65 and you have

another male friend that's 65 and you're hanging out at 10pm at a supermarket shopping, you're gay. He would go to the supermarket with Uncle Rich with Dave to the supermarket all the time. At 10pm we'd go to the grocery shopping. It's because they fuck. I don't know if that's true.

You tell me. And then rat the fucking husband out immediately. Well, I don't know if that's true. You tell me. And then rat the fucking husband out immediately. Well, I don't know if that's true. You tell me. You tell me that that's what it is. That's the deepest, darkest secret in some family. Yeah? Yeah.

And Aunt Peggy has a fake leg. Like what? Yeah. You ever wonder why she always wears jeans? And never wears a skirt? Even to the wedding? She has a fake leg. Like what? Yeah. You ever wonder why she always wears jeans? And never wears a skirt? Even to the wedding? She has a fake leg. Do you know why?

Do you know why she has a fake leg? Because she's fucking gay. What? She got rid of her leg because she's gay. She got shamed by her mom because she was gay. And she sped away in a fucking car. And got in an accident and her leg came off. Oh, because she's gay.

You're like, what? Well, we don't know if that's technically true. You told me. You told me that that happened. That's a drunk mom. If you haven't had a kid come out of you, you get drunk, you just have a good time, a drunk mom,

he's a, I swear, cousin Butch, you can't tell, because those are sunglasses, he's a fake guy, he's a fake guy, and he fucking,

or he'll, you know, you know, you know Jim, you know Jim, moms are always like, you're like, what, who, you know you know you know jim you know jim moms are always like you're like what who you know jim you know and you're like no you know she he used to date um the the aunt aunt joan jim you're like oh yeah kind of yeah of course is that a funeral oh yeah okay i remember him yeah he's in jail he beat the shit out of a kid

oh wow okay well I didn't know that yeah yeah he's gay now ah not everybody's gay sure sure there it's a Greek thing you know we're Greek

so we think differently about it um yeah so my mom gets drunk and shit you know you know the truth is here's some shit a drunk mom would say you know the truth is nate nate never liked you what yeah he never liked you he told me Yeah, he never liked you. He told me and your father. Well, no, he didn't. Yeah, you were there. You said it.

All right, I want to do... You know what I want to do, actually? I came across a good one. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. So, guys, it's time for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Gone. Uh-oh. I forgot about that. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. This one's great.

Actually, it's very kind of weird. And someone sent this to me. I'm not going to say the name, obviously, because I don't want to fucking out her. I just, this, I haven't done most fucked up Instagram posts of the week in a long time. I'm bringing it back because of this one. This is how fucking crazy this one is, okay? A girl's on a Vespa. Almost, you guessed it, showing her pussy.

Because the skirt's coming up. If it was up an inch higher, you'd see her back door hole, okay? And that's a serious thing here. So she says, apparently she just got 1 million followers all right that's what she's saying 1 million of you right now i'm looking back on this time last year when i used to write in my little work notebook quote 1 million followers on Instagram. I would trace that over and over while in caps lock here, literally crying because I wanted it so bad. Now let's just take a fucking second to imagine a 20 year old girl in a coffee shop tracing over 1 million followers crying hey go home

hey why do you have a fucking pencil period Period. You know, either this is true and you are literally Jeffrey Dahmer. Only a serial killer traces words over and over again. You know that. Nobody has ever even traced over more than one letter, that hasn't killed someone. Straight up. Try it. Try it at home. Go write some random word, automobile,

and then trace over it. You get this insane urge, overwhelming urge, this bloodlust. Okay? And this girl sitting there, one million followers over, so insane. Also, crying doing it hey your dad died early so you got probs all right

but she's happy she's got a million fault being happy to get look that's great okay so crying because i wanted it so bad i can't even express how grateful i am to have so much love and support from all of you well that's fucking honky-dory bullshit nobody gives a fuck that's for sure if you think your followers are honestly supporting you and loving you hey go, go home. Go on a retreat somewhere. Okay? I want you guys to know that if you – it just gets better and better.

I want you guys to know that if you have a dream, don't ever let someone tell you that you can't do it. By the way, what asshole thinks that a hot girl can't get 1 million followers? I'm surprised that all girls don't have 1 million followers. I'm surprised there isn't a fucking girl

that looks like that guy from the Goonies with the bent ear that doesn't have 100, that has a million followers. Because if you're a girl, you can get as many followers as you want if you're showing your back door all you got to do is open up your back door and followers

so why this is faux inspirational bullshit why wouldn't you don't ever listen i'm going to tell you that you can't do it why wouldn't you be able to well i don't know i mean actually you know what the answer to that is tons of reasons there are why can't you do the thing you want to do well it's that's like the fucking the lady at church grits potatoes mash rams rams you can just do a fucking big song about it why can't you do the thing you want to grits potatoes mass mass yams but with just like family money fucking stress anxiety disorders, disorders, kids, mass, frass. Why can't you do it?

No talent, family, stress, kids. You know, anxiety. Why wouldn't you be able to? You are the only one stopping yourself. Oh, yeah? Cops. The law. Family, kids, friends.

People pretend they like it. They don't. For all we know, this is our only life. So why would you ever let someone else's words and perspective stop you from being happy and doing what you are drawn to do in the end it's you and it's your life you're stuck with yourself until you die so long story short do what makes you happy and thank you all so so much for being with me on this journey i love you there's no fucking journey dude you're in a leopard print dress showing your coochie that's not a journey everyone thinks they're on a goddamn journey you know

well you know it's the journey it's on Well, you know, it's the journey. You know how people are. It's not about the fucking end result. It's about the journey. Then why is everyone always fucking a busting nut, huh? Who does that? Who fucks and doesn't bust a nut? Who does that? Weird assholes.

It's about the journey, you know? It's not about particularly getting to where you're going. It's about what you learn. All right, sensei, put a red belt on. Get the fuck out of here. Yams, potatoes, jams, flams, bambs. Dude, this chick, just no clue. Here's the thing, too. This young woman, sheams, bams. Dude, this chick, just no clue. Here's the thing, too.

This young woman, she's 20 or something. Or even if she's fucking 19 or 18, I don't know. It's fucking tough because you've got to understand that this is not sustainable. The second you turn 35, immediate tears. Because guys aren't going to be paying attention to you in that way like they used to. It's a sad truth. But it's true. So, why wouldn't someone tell you? Why wouldn't you be able to,

family, kids, anxiety, age, disease, I, I just, you know what's crazy,

is we don't know, the long term effect of social media, like that woman, is going to be 50 one day. That's how she grew up when she was 12. Instagram was the thing. This is, she thinks these followers love her.

Dude, have you ever heard Snoop Dogg? We don't love these hoes. I'm out the dough. We don't love these hoes. I'm out the dough. They don't love you. Listen to Snoop Dogg, dude. We don't love them hoes. I'm out the dough.

Hey, dude, you think your followers love you for posting your rump? Have you ever heard this? Have you ever heard of the neighbor dick dope man? They don't love you. They squirt to you. I mean, do it. It's just unreal.

What's up with the parents, man? Get involved here. Dude, if I have a daughter and she's posting her fucking rump on Instagram, guess what's happening? Guess what's fucking happening. i am locking her in a room for a week straight all she's eating is fucking yes potatoes man's pants pants and this is what

she's listening to over and over again 718 202 that's in small cities and states i owe you 901 matter of fact 305 i'll jump off the g We can meet outside. So control your hormones and keep your drawers on. So not creative. We control the hormones and treats the ordovers. Area, area code. Why did Ludacris always dress like fucking Gilligan? Dude, Ludacris is fucking Gilligan from gilligan's island dude man tv shows used to be fucking lit huh gillig i used to watch that with my grandma

gilligan's island oh just chicks showing a rump ain't know nothing about Gilligan's Island. Imagine these guys singing this and then directly getting all this shit kicked out of them. Like, they're so... And then just people come through and just beat the fucking living shit out of them. And they're like, what the fuck? And they're trying to block it, but the punch goes through the face and through the hand and smacks them in the face. And they're just so bloody. Imagine getting your ass fucking kicked in this song, dude.

God, that song sucks. That's worse. Way worse than fucking controlling your hormones and eat some hors d'oeuvres. God, that song fucking sucks. The ship's the ground on the shore of this uncharted desert. Oh, shut up,

you cuck. You know? Um. Anyway. Anyway. You want to do some misconnections here we're going to boston boston for we're going to boston for some misconnections misconnections we're going to boston for some misconnections dude one time we were at the affiliates in boston to fucking promote undateable and the guy i fucking shit you not dude the guy kept on telling us how we had four daughters

ah there isn't something more boston you could say be like yeah you know because i got four daughters i got four daughters at the end he was just i got four daughters that's the thing my four daughters we were like all of us were like and afterwards the whole trip we were just like you know because he's my four daughters we were like all of us were like and afterwards the whole trip we were just like you know because he's got four daughters all right what are we doing here these are weird boston ones they come to play they come to fucking play dude here we go you were driving a dump truck okay you were having your truck filled with topsoil. I was watching.

Creep. You kept smiling at me and even gave a thumbs up as you pulled away. Tell me where. Drop a line. You're cute. Uh. Uh. A dump truck.

Oh, yeah. Dude, that's so weird. You're cute. Top, yeah. Dude, that's so weird. You're cute. Top soil. You know? I guess it was a girl doing it. I don't know. To the girl I hooked up with last week.

Hey, guy. Get her number. What do you do? Just fucking leave immediately? See you. I forgot. You know what what i'll use craigslist thanks for being so energetic and for finishing things up the way that you did what what looking forward to doing it again next time you can be a little more quiet though lol

do not contact me on solicitor service hey way to fucking neg her at the end there. You can be a little more quiet, though, dude. Thanks for the fucking. Dude, thanks for the ass. But honestly, man, I live in a complex. Next time, don't fucking yell out when you're coming. Jesus Christ. Anyway, hit me up. Forgot to get your number.

Just the worst guy of all time. I left without getting your number because I don't give a fuck about you. But let's we should fuck again. And last time, be more quiet, dude. Jesus. This guy. Mel Toxicity. Mel Toxicity in our city, in our city.

This guy. Oh, wow. I mean, does this guy have Google? This guy. What is a DP? And then under it, can anyone tell me what that means dr pepper next dr pepper next google it google dp man two things will come up dr pepper and dicks going in butts next proctor Proctor or Choate?

What is that? Choate? Choate? C-H-O-A-T-E? Choate? Proctor or Choate? We met at both. It's not on the thing.

Bring it over more. We met at both. Would be great to meet again. Some nice weather coming up. What is this, a fucking haiku?

I know you. Had a good time. Do not contact me without soliciting service or office. Why is he doing it like that? What is Chote? Do you know? Did you Google it? Chote? Proctor or Chote? Oh, I get it.

It's like a school building or something and then so? Proctor or Chote? Oh, I get it. Yeah, it's like a school building or something, and then so is Proctor maybe. Who knows? Till I close the door and I'm jumping your bones. Cool. Cool. Till I close the door and I'm jumping your bones. Surprised Rocco never bit me.

Ah. surprised Rocco never bit me. That's the fucking main line on the top. The title surprised Rocco never bit me. And then under it that day, a few years back when I visited your place, do not contact me on solicitor, solicitor offers the worst,

shortest romance novel of all time. Surprised Rocco never bit me. Turn the page. That day a few years back when I visited your place. What a great book. Just sitting back thinking about, wow. It's crazy Rocco never bit him. And then somebody walks in your fucking den and assassinates you

what a great book and then in the driveway I mean that was on the Rush Hour movie you know that song like nothing to do with fucking martial arts or action comedy the neighbor dick dope man love oh wow who wrote this fucking michael bolton the top line love the body you need me for love i need you to love ah

so fucking michael Bolton wrote this one. Fucking what's his name? Wrote it. Brian Adams. Everything I do. You need me for love. I need you for love. Goddamn.

Bryan Adams is so fucking Bryan Adams. Dude, his name is Bryan Adams, you know? His name is Bryan Adams. How is Bryan Adams not fucking Christopher Titus for real? If they did a fucking biopic of Bryan Adams, Christopher Titus would play him. Even though he's older. Well, not anymore.

But when it happened, you know what I mean? All right, dude. That's fucking all, dude. All right? You bitch-ass motherfuckers. I love you babies, dude. Constantly listening, waiting for instructions in the log cabin. This is a cult.

We will be in tall grass sharing ideas. Fucking and sucking sooner or later, I swear to God. constantly listening, waiting for instructions in the log cabin. This is a cult. We will be in tall grass sharing ideas, fucking and sucking sooner or later, I swear to God. Download the Chris Talia app and see the podcast before anyone else sees it live. And that's it. The restock is continuous, so keep a lookout. Subscribe to the YouTube channel, please. It really helps us. And video episodes go up a day

after the audio podcast and got shows coming up in Memphis Tennessee Chattanooga Tennessee Knoxville Tennessee and also Edmonton and Victoria let's take some of these out here

I already did those yeah this is out of order one fire great thank you very much And Victoria. Let's take some of these out here. I already did those. Yeah. This is out of order. One fire. Great. Thank you very much. From your friendly neighbor, Dick Deltman. Outro Music