Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 12. I'm Not Boring

Episode Date: April 17, 2017

Hey! It's the 12th episode! In today's discussion, Chris jumps back in on the Coachella discussion with a question for ya: y'boring? y'cuda? or are y'dult?. Also discussed: Inspirational Instgram posts, Lil Uzi Vert and his Marilyn Manson necklace, backhanded compliments, and a whole bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else. Today's episode was brought to you by Square Cash. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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All right? I don't want to fucking talk to you until you do it. What's up, babies? It's Chris D'Elia. You guys chilling or what? You doing the most chill? Are you doing the half chill? Or are you busy today? Maybe you're chilling a little bit less.

But you can still chill while you're doing a little bit. Doing a little bit of things. You know, this is the, what, 12th episode, man. Look at the fucking way we're doing it. That means we've been doing it for three months, dude. Every week for three months. That's long.

That's, imagine three months from now. You don't even know where you're going to be for three months from now. You guys might be, you might have moved. You have no idea. You might have picked up and moved. You might have be, you might've moved. You have no idea. You might've

picked up and moved. You might've broken up with your wife or your, your, your husband. You might have a baby on the way in three months. It's a long time is what I'm trying to say. Um, so yeah. And let's see what, what is, uh, happening in my life. I'm here in LA. It's my last day in LA for a while. I'm going to go to Toronto tomorrow to shoot a movie. Everything got put on a reschedule for me because

I have to go do this for my career. And I'm very sorry to Australia. I'm very sorry to I'm not sure. I think I'm going to have to reschedule Arizona and possibly west palm beach and i'm very sorry uh but i'll i will reschedule it but um so yeah i've been i've been uh performing in los angeles and i love toronto so i'm super excited to be there. It's probably my favorite city outside of Los Angeles or New York.

More details on what I'm shooting later. I won't get into it now. But I'm just happy to get fucking so far away from Los Angeles because of the second week of Coachella. I know it's not in Los Angeles. I know it's in Indio or whatever. You know, Coachella is the worst thing, I think. And I talked about it a little bit briefly on the last podcast, but now it's happening. So now it's like completely in the red zone and people are just overdone. And I want to respond to some people about, uh, people get upset at people think Coachella is stupid. Some people do a lot of

people like it and go, but people are fucking, you know, why do we go like, why do they, why do they go and make it a fucking scene and got to get dressed up and but the people who get the most mad are the people who are mad at people for getting for making fun of it and that means that you give a fuck what people say um which is fine we all give a fuck what people say but you can't say let us just have our fun. Because this is our fun. You understand? You get to do your shitty, dumb fuck shit. And I get to do the shit where I make fun of it.

You don't get to fucking go to Coachella and have me not talk about it. Bye. You don't get to do that. Put on your boots. Put on your frilly fucking thing. Put rhinestones above your eyebrows, color your hair blue, put on a stupid as shit scarecrow hat, dress like goddamn Pocahontas, and go have a good time.

And I get to call you fucking stupid. That's it. That's how it goes. You don't get to say, you know, why does everybody just let us, let us have fun, have fun, go have fun. You fucking big idiot. Let me be my type of idiot. I don't give a shit. Go out, go take Molly and drink all the shit and fucking dance around a fucking speaker to Kendrick Lamar or whoever, or some bandhead do it but you you get to you get to and here's the other thing too you're gonna post about it so why do people get so mad somebody on

facebook was saying why do you get so mad at at not not to me just why do people get so mad when they poke their post their pictures coachella. Because if you're really having that much fun, you're not fucking taking pictures and posting them. What's the most fun stuff? Sex? A lot of people would say sex is the best thing. Who the fuck is taking pictures during sex and posting it? You don't do that.

Because you're not thinking of taking pictures. Because you're thinking about busting nuts. That's why. If you're busting a nut, hey, if you're taking pictures at Coachella and you're having so much fun, the you're busting a nut, hey, if you're taking pictures at Coachella and you're having so much fun, the next time you bust a nut, snap that. When you're busting a nut,

here's what you're thinking. Can't wait to post it up on Instagram. Dude, don't fucking, you know what I mean? And people get so mad at, they're having fun, and then the other people are looking at them, having fun, making fun of them. That's my fun.

That's also my job, by the way. That's why I do what I do. I don't like, but I figured that Coachella is, I think Coachella, I don't like, uh, I, but I figured that Coachella is, I think Coachella, I don't like the herd mentality. I, I,

I, um, I think Coachella is the number one thing in my life that I, uh, is on my, you know, uh, in my outside,

my group of friends, group of friends deal with this the most Coachella that's the thing in my life that that bugs me the most is Coachella now I know I'm a fucking yeah I'm talking about funny bug I'm not talking about like obviously there's some real issues in the world but if you're you know that it's the thing in my life that irks me the most because it's got all the things I don't like. It's 107 degrees. People are dressed like Pocahontas.

White people. And then you're out there listening to a fucking band that you don't really give a shit about and pretending like you are. And you're doing it with a million people. That's the thing that bugs me. That's that shit I don't like. Because just... I don't know, man. If you really are liking it, having a good time, then you're just having a good time. Put your fucking phone down. You know when I take my phone out? When I'm bored as shit.

That's what I do. And you know what? It's a lot. It's a lot of the time. I'm bored as shit. That's what I do. And you know what? It's a lot. It's a lot of the time. I'm bored as shit a lot. You know why? Because I'm talking to people that, you know, they're just saying shit. And I'm like, all right, come with some real shit. But if you're, if you're at Coachella, you got your phone out. You're not, you're not experiencing it it i know i'm not saying anything i'm fucking i know i'm not saying anything new i know i'm not saying anything you haven't heard before

but so kendrick lamar's album came out in the past week i i i haven't listened to it but uh you know imagine someone saying they don't like kendrick lamar imagine that imagine that fucking happening imagine someone being like uh yeah it's just not good i i haven't heard it but i cannot believe the wrath that person if i if i tweeted believe the wrath that person if i if i tweeted fucking and i don't think this but if i tweeted fucking kendrick lamar sucks do you imagine could you imagine could you imagine if not somebody else i think if donald trump tweeted fuck kendrick lamar it would be over i know and he's done a lot of shit that people don't like. If he tweeted that, he'd be impeached. That would be the thing.

Didn't really like the album, Damn, he could write. He'd be gone tomorrow. We'd have fucking Pence in there like, You know? What do I do? But I got off track a little bit. What I think about the... Here's the thing.

I don't like to do a lot of things. And people say, my friends... For instance, Coachella okay uh or or listening to a new album isn't an experience i really give a fuck about going back to kendrick lamar uh and people say let's go let's go do this thing to me my friends and i say no I don't want to. And then they say, you're boring. And I completely fucking disagree with this. Okay. I completely disagree with this.

I think the least boring people do nothing. And I know that that nobody fucking would, would say it would agree with that. But here's the thing. If you're a boring person, you need stimulation. If you're a boring person, you have to go to Coachella. It's not an option to not go because you can't sit with your fucking mind because you're boring. And you think about stuff like fruit and you're a fucking boring person and you look at the ground and you don't even think you're just like looking at the dirt and you're like, look at grass and the dirt because you're boring because you didn't fucking grow up right. That's why.

So you need things like Coachella to keep stimulated. You need to look at loud fucking things and hear it all and fucking put on stupid as shit star sunglasses and put rhinestones above your eyebrows because those are things to do that keep you entertained. You don't D-O-L-T. Okay. D-O-L-T. Okay? So, if you're not boring, you can sit and have a blast. Because you're in your fucking head thinking about the shit that entertains you. You don't need stimulation because you're not Barracuda. You ever see a Barracuda on a boat, see a fucking bracelet? It goes nuts. Swat char if you you at coachella swatch are

you barracuda hey yeah coachella swatch are you barracuda human. Yakuda. You need stimulation? Yakuda. Mmm, human. Okay? I mean, dude, you don't need the... You don't play frisbee golf? Yakuda. You don't go watch... You don't go watch thebee golf? You could. You don't go watch.

You don't go watch the Celtics. You could. You going to play scattergories? You could. Mmm. Dult. D-U-L-T. Okay.

I'm not dolt. I'm dolt. I'm not dolt. I'm dolt. Okay. Yeah dolt. I'm dolt. Okay? Yeah. That's the thing. That's the opposite of boring is not doing things.

You think Stephen Hawking, and I'm not, you know, but you think Stephen Hawking bored as shit? No, dude. That guy's figuring shit out. I'm surprised that guy doesn't come in his fucking pants every day. Just like, I found out something else. I found something else out. That's him coming. You need stimulation you could uh

oh fuck i'm definitely going to hell but this is the shit i think of and this is why i'm not boring i'm not boring you say i don't go want to go hang gliding i'm not boring i don't need to feel that shit i don't need to go out there I got shit to think about Like what You know Like likes and dislikes And what's going on In my life

And who I am Part of me I don't want to put on boots And a fucking frilly jacket Part of me I don't want to listen To the new Yonce album You know

No knock on her Pardon me, I don't want to listen to the new Yonce album. You know? No knock on her. Got shit to figure out. Got likes and dislikes to figure out. Swear this. Dude, what are you guys thinking? I posted a thing on Instagram about, I reposted this girl who wrote who said some stuff about consciousness everybody's got a voice now and that's how it is and you know she posted a video somebody sent it to me and i reposted it and i wrote hey finally somebody said all this preach on sister but one

more thing what the fuck are you talking about? And I don't know. Somebody said I shouldn't repost it, but she posted it. So I just reposted it. I didn't fucking smash her up. I just said, what are you talking about? I don't think it's a bad thing.

You want to hear what she said? Here's what she said. Imagine if just for a day. No. All right. If just for five minutes, you allowed yourself to drop everything that was ever given to you, including your name, your religion. Drop your name.

Your sex. Okay, so I'm neither male or female. Your identity. If you drop your identity I'm not Batman What's left Shit Piss

Air Consciousness Consciousness is left It's what makes up Everything The space between your breath the space between your heartbeats the thing that's observing me thinking the thing that's observing you watching this video right now it's the same thing in me as it is in you okay no wait a minute as it is in life trees separateness okay wait a minute. Trees? Okay.

Wait a minute. Oh, it looped. See, I couldn't tell because it was all the same thing. So she posted that, and I got it. I read it. I heard it, And I sat down because I don't. Now, people are like, people comment under my thing and they're like, that's true though. Not the point at all. The point is, I think the main point is why the fuck are you saying this right now to your,

to people, to, to the, to the people? Why are you posting this? But I didn't understand it. And so I, I just put it,

what the fuck? Okay. So imagine for a day. Okay. I got a day in my head right now. Oh shit. Just got way shorter. Five minutes. My pants. Okay. My name. All right. So Chris, just got way shorter five minutes my pants okay my name all right so chris not chris not

okay so i'm not a guy your identity okay drop your identity if you drop brooke i'm not brooke though okay that's you what's left um a shirt and socks and hair? How far down are we getting here? Consciousness. Oh. Consciousness is left. Let me ask a question. Eon drugs? It's what makes up everything.

I think Eon. The space between your breath. The space between your heartbeats. The space between your breath is a breath. Another breath. The thing that's observing me thinking. The thing that's observing you watching this video right now, is the same thing in me as it is in you, as it is in the trees.

Don't say, nope. See, the trees thing is where you, yeah. Separateness. What? The loose tree. Ah, you're just saying words. Imagine if just for a day. Oh.

Is she, like, is that, I'm genuinely curious, not trying to, you know, roast is, is it help? Is she, is she helping? Uh, you put some on the internet, it's on the internet. You know what I mean? Had to be high. Do you guys think that that lady was high? Had to be right. Imagine she were just one sec. Imagine for a day. be right imagine for just one second imagine for a day no imagine for no imagine for five minutes i'll figure it out before you start shooting you know let's get the timeline straight before you start shooting she starts rolling too early that's my problem imagine just for a day no you know what imagine for five minutes start after imagine for a year no you know what imagine for four days imagine for four

days let's do for four days that just for one second imagine for a day for a second that you drop everything you are you drop your your name you're not you just leave it behind you drop your pants you drop your socks you got your dick out you you got no underwear, you drop it. And what are you? You lose, you know what you are? You're human. Your consciousness, that's what's left. Your consciousness. The same thing that's in between your breath,

the same thing that's in between the trees, the same thing that's in between your balls, what's in between your tits, in between your two ass cheeks, your asshole. Consciousness. Consciousness. was in between your tits in between your two ass cheeks your asshole consciousness constant that's what you have i'm gonna post a video like that um but these people i'm gonna just go to these go to these i'm gonna go to put a bunch of hashtags on there um here's here's a hashtag conscious being here's something here's something on See, I'm just going to... I went to the hashtag conscious being.

And I'm just going to look at some of the stuff on conscious being. Like there's... All of a sudden, guess what came up when I hit that hashtag? Nine million quotes. Okay? People love quotes. Because if you put a quote out on the internet, you feel like you did something,

even though you did absolutely nothing more important than taking a shit. And as a matter of fact, you did something less important than taking a shit. If you put a quote on Instagram, you did something less important than releasing bowels because you got to do that. To make room for more food. So you can live longer. But if you put quotes on an Instagram. You did something less important. Than flying shit out of your ass. So congratulations.

Here are a bunch of quotes. Our outer. See this is what I don't. And I'm not even. I didn't read this quote yet. But my prediction is. this is not something these quotes every quote i'm going to read right now is some shit that everybody already knows and you either fucking do it or you don't like you're not nobody's fucking like whoever said this millions of years you know thousands of years ago was the first guy that said it.

After that, nobody needed to say that shit anymore because we all knew it's just such basic shit. Here we go. Our outer lives are a projection of our inner beliefs and attitudes. Who the fuck doesn't know that? Who doesn't know that? Okay, so let me put it in the layman's terms, even though it's already in there. Whatever we do is because of whatever we think we should do. Cool. There you go. That's my quote. Here's another one. When we simply shift from please to thank you, everything changes. No shit.

You know why? Because please is a different word than thank you. You change the words, things change. Hey, here's my quote for that. If you change words, things change. Here's another one. This is all under conscious being, by the way. Darkness has no power. It is merely the absence of light. Bye.

Turn around. Dude, if you fucking read darkness has no power, it is merely the absence of light. And you think, wow. Turn around. Here's another one. Our consciousness can. Here we go. Consciousness.

This is a big thing. Our consciousness can only expand we go, consciousness. This is a big thing. Our consciousness can only expand when we question what we believe to be true. So let's say, me questioning what I believe to be true. I believe quotes like this are fucking stupid. So let's think, okay? For a second, this quote isn't stupid't isn't stupid so that's what i'm questioning maybe i'm wrong and maybe these quotes are important okay so i did that um now my consciousness expand is expanding now i guess because i just did that so i don't

i don't know maybe in a few days i just oh here's the one that pisses me right off whatever the question the answer is always love hey can i have some orange juice? Love. Oh, you're crazy? Can I have a fucking, hey dude, do you mind giving me a ride to the airport? Love. Lunatic, dude. If somebody responded to a question of mine with love, imagine just for a second, imagine for a day, imagine, no, imagine for one second somebody responded to a question with love. In between my heartbeats, in between the two testicles I have in my sack, in between the trees, in between two pieces of shit. If somebody takes a shit

and another person takes a shit next to it, in between there, where do we have that? Consciousness. The answer is always love. You're not saying anything. Hey, when somebody says stuff like that,

this is my new response. Oh, that's interesting. Farted in your face with my face. Simmature. The internet fucked everything up. That's interesting. Farted in your face with my face. It's immature. The internet fucked everything up. I mean, it's great. I think on the whole, it's a good thing. But everyone has a voice and that's good.

But don't use it that much. You're diluting everything. You use your voice too much. Nobody gives a fuck. stop doing hashtags and then just doing nothing i got mad at myself i did a hashtag like a few months ago an important one and then i realized i haven't done shit since I did that hashtag to make it better. Piece of shit for that. What's that?

So what did I just put it out in the fucking universe? And then someone else saw the hashtag and thought, yeah, he's right. And then what? And then what? Nothing fucking, I didn't change anything. I didn't fucking, that's bad of me. That's, it's a waste of time if i if if you have if there's a fucking movement going on and somebody's like if somebody say all of a sudden uh we find out that cantaloupes fucking uh make cancer happen and i'd like to say oh there's

cancer because of cantaloupes that's why and then everyone's like we there's cancer because of cantaloupes. That's why. And then everyone's like, we got to get rid of cantaloupes. And then other people are like, but cantaloupes are so good. They taste so good. Fuck that. And then I'm like on Twitter and I'm like, remove all cantaloupes. And that's the hashtag I do.

And then I just do what I do. I go on tour. I come back. I hang out. I have coffee with my friends. I have a few meetings and this and that. And I do nothing to get rid of cantaloupes. I'm a piece of shit. I'm a dick. I'm a fucking time waster. I'm what they call virtue signaling, right? It doesn't fucking matter. All I did was make a tweet that fucking however many followers I have saw, and maybe some people tweeted it,

some that are against cantaloupes. And they didn't do shit either. I didn't do anything about it. I'm a piece of shit. Hi. If I do that I'm a piece of shit. And I've done that before. And I'm not doing it again.

Do something. You just. You use your voice so much. And don't do anything about it your voice doesn't matter dude your voice doesn't matter so you can go on instagram talk about consciousness talk about fucking space between your heartbeats but it doesn't matter this is what you're doing that's what you're saying because it doesn't matter what you're doing is basically breathing I didn't mean for this to turn into a TED talk

but it is that's it square cash you understand me, square cash is the best way to pay people for stuff, period, I've said it before, I'm saying it again, you can do rest, you can pay for rest, you know, you go to coffee with your friends, you say, oh, you know, shit, I owe you five bucks, let me just zoom it to you right now with square cash ding split the tab whatever like i said you gotta you ask somebody now i don't suggest you do this but you ask somebody uh maybe some like really fucking fierce mafia style guy hey i need you to spit in someone's face and the guy says that's gonna be 25 i'll be like i'll just square cash it to you then he spits it in their face he does it and then you just go ding square cash the guy

20 25 for the mafia move you know i'm saying and you can download the square cash app for ios or android now square cash is better than all the other ones. You know, it's just quick, and it's on the Apple App Store, and it's on Google Play App Store. So if you don't have it, you're kind of a fucking asshole. What are you going to do? Reach in your wallet and look for, well, how much was it? $45? Let me see if I have it. Do you have change for it?

No, you don't need change. You just take it from phone to phone, and that's it. And it's so easy. I have it. I use phone and that's it and it's so easy i i have it i use it so do it by the way i block everyone that says that they hate that i do ads on my show because you don't get the you don't you work hey hey go to work for free hey go to work for free. Hey, go to work for free. Hey, go do what you do. Don't get paid. Go do that. Then you can complain about listening to my podcast without,

and wish that there weren't ads. You gotta, you gotta, you gotta, this is America, dude. This is how every fucking country works. Pretty much.

Even in a tribe, it's how it works. You got to get something. You got to give something to get something. You're giving me time. I'm giving you ad space. Have you heard about the um lil uzi vert well first of all why is every rapper lil what is that i don't know it's been like that for a while too it's but it seems like it's more and more uzi vert i don't know what that is lil if was a rapper, and I'm the furthest thing from a rapper, but if I was a rapper, I, the last thing I'd want is to have a name like someone else's

name, right, they're all like, fuck that, I'm this shit, but yo, we got the same name, no, but yo, it's me that's the shit, not you, every rap song is like, I'm the best, but yo, we got the same name, though. But yo, it's me that's the shit, not you. Every rap song is like, I'm the best, you ain't shit, but we got the same name, though. Lil Uzi Vert has a new Marilyn Manson chain, reportedly worth $220,000. This is from alternativepress.com. It may seem unexpected, but rapper Lil Uzi Vert loves Marilyn Manson

so much that he got a 55-karat black and white diamond Marilyn Manson pendant. Oh, my God. I don't... I mean, dude. oh my god i don't um i mean dude that's not cool i mean look marilyn manson is kind of the shit like his music was fucking popping but like But like, what the fuck? Yeah, look at this shit. $220,000. I don't know.

How much does this guy have, Lil Uzi Vert? I don't understand. Do you know? Lil Uzi Vert Network. Net. I mean, this is always wrong. $3 million. Estimated net worth of three million dollars and he paid 220 000 for a maryland manson chain that you can't resell who the fuck's he gonna sell that to maryland manson that's fucking it's like one twelfth of his fucking net worth which means he doesn't have that which means

that's including like his house i guess you can go bankrupt hey man did you learn anything from other rappers in history liluzy vert oh my god I mean, maybe he didn't pay that much for it, but Lil Uzi Vert gonna be a little bankrupt in a little bit, huh? Hey, that guy's gonna have to change his name to Lil Bankrupt. Lil Uzi Vert is going to have to change his name

to Lil Bit of Money in His Bank Account. You know? Hey, Lil Uzi Vert, you only got Lil Bit of Money in Your Bank Account, but you got Big Chain that can't sell because it's of Marilyn Manson's face. Imagine what that conversation was like. Hey.

Jeweler. What up? I want a chain. And the jeweler's like. Alright. What do you want? Yo. It's going to be custom.

First of all. Second of all. I don't know what I want. But I know. I'm a fucking hella big Marilyn Manson fan. And then the jeweler was like, oh, well, do you want to maybe do something where we... Is it like an ode to him? Or is it one of his...

Maybe like a pendant that says, sweet dreams or some shit, or the beautiful people. And then Lil Uzi Vert went like this fuck now dog i want marilyn manson's face on my chest player because ain't nothing realer than having another man's face under my face yo that's weird that's like some bitch shit to get somebody's face around your neck you're like that's like saying hey this person that's i that blows my mind that's like that joke i had where you're fucking on the um incorrigible about how if you got a sports team name on your back that guy gets to fuck you i mean dude i i'm i'm chrystalia i can't imagine having another dude's face anywhere maybe maybe a t-shirt you know but something i paid 220 000 for that guy's got like uh probably got to go to therapy leluzivert you know i mean you probably gotta go to therapy if you paid that much to put somebody's face on your chest.

I don't know what for, but it's probably something going on there. I'm going to check these hashtags right now. See how many of you guys are trying to game the system. I got one here. Mark Garu at Mark Shenko. That's fine. Trying to game the system. What advice do you have for single guys in 2017? I think it's weird when single guys want advice.

You figured it out. You're single. You don't have to answer to anybody. You can just do whatever you want and not explain yourself. Oh, that's, oh, I'm sorry, dude. You figured it out. Do you want to get in a relationship? That's the problem. I think if you want to get into a relationship, you got to check yourself, dude. You get into a relationship you got to check yourself dude you get into a relationship when you fall in love but that's why you're the saddest fucking people are the people who are like oh man i wish i had a girlfriend wish i had a boyfriend you sad be happy you're chilling you're doing what you're doing what you're doing what's advice how what's my advice what are you you're doing it

you're you're the one who gives advice bro you know um oh here's a good one um at gab sirianni and her thing is just a heart, which is kind of cool, I guess. What's your most favorite song of all time? I think my most favorite song of all time is Never Had a Friend Like Me by Tupac. And it's off the Gridlock soundtrack. I just think it's awesome.

It's simple and it's fucking good and succinct. And he's just the shit and it's awesome. It's simple and it's fucking good and succinct. And he's just the shit and it sounds awesome. I also like Me and My Girlfriend by Tupac, where he's talking about the gun slash girl. I love that song. KKFoster9, is butter still limping? No, no, no, because things heal. Um... still limping no no no because things heal um um so yeah let's look at some other ones here uh here's a good one from mattress kenny which is is at Kendall Blake. Hey, you Kenny or you Kendall Blake, dude?

Mattress Kenny, change it. At underscore Kendall Blake, Mattress Kenny, change it. Fucking guy. At Chris Lee, does it ever get annoying being spotted in public? Yeah, of course it does. That's i i always fucking think of when i was when i was in high school there was this 50 cent lyric when he was said and he says if you see me tell me you love me don't stare at me man and i always thought

wouldn't he rather them not come up to him and bother him than fucking tell if they're just staring at him then it's it's not a thing you know it's not a intrusive but it's way more annoying when somebody fucking stares at you from across the way at like pete's coffee and they're like looking at their phone and checking if it's you than it is if you just come up and say, Hey, big fan. And now I get it now that I'm equally as famous as 50 cent. I get it. Um, it was a joke. Uh, but, um, yeah, no, uh, it's, yeah, I would say 80% of the time somebody comes up to me and gives me a compliment. It's backhanded. And I mean,

80%. And it's unbelievable. People want to prove how much they're a fan of yours. So they, they'll say shit. Like my friend said you weren't funny, but I fucking told him, I set him straight.

And you're like, yo, get better at telling compliments, man. This fucking guy came up to me the other night and he goes like this. Hey, Chris to Leah, man, you're like yo get better at telling compliments man this fucking guy came up to me the other night and he goes like this hey chrystalia man you're pretty funny hey man don't fucking be so blase about it either tell me and mean it or don't hey man you're pretty funny oh cool man that's like hey you want a salad sure yeah whatever oh you don't really like salads

yeah they're pretty good like don't do it and so he's like ah cool i was like all right man thanks but i guess you know and he was like yeah man he was like oh man then he said oh man you you're so annoyed right he's like oh man sorry i'm annoying you and i was like oh you're not annoying me it's all good and he's like oh cool man yeah i watched you seen you do a bunch, right? He's like, oh man, sorry, I'm annoying you. And I was like, ah, you're not annoying me. It's all good. And he was like, oh, cool, man. Yeah. I watched you seeing you do a bunch of shows. And I was like, ah, that's cool, man. And he was like, okay, man. Well, it's fucking really awkward. Huh? And I'm like, and I said, yeah, well you're, if you, if you're making it awkward. Yeah. I mean, I'm not, I don't feel awkward. And he was like, oh man. Oh, well, dude, I just want to tell you you're funny i'm a big fan i said yeah dude thanks bro and he was like okay and he said well i don't know why it's weird and i was

like well you keep saying the same thing over and over again and it's all good but thank you i appreciate it i literally couldn't figure out what the fuck to say to the guy and then his friend came up to him and he was like yo man let's just get out of here, man, you're, you know, like, like, leave him alone, and I was like, it's all good, you know, whatever, and he was like, you want me to leave you alone, and I'm like, I mean, I said to him, I said, I mean, I don't know, you know, like, you can say other things if you want, or you can just leave, like, it's not a really huge, it's not a huge deal. And then of course I look like a dick because I'm like, come on guy. But like, you understand what you're fucking doing, dude. For, and also he was drunk. And then at the end he was like, but dude, I'm just trying to tell you, man, that like, even when other people

say you aren't funny, I tell them, I say like, you're funny. funny and i said to i said to his friend i said hey man you got to tell this you got to get this guy better at giving fucking compliments and then he fucking walked away with all bitch smile he was like and then that guy's gonna go tweet about how i was an asshole you know the guy made it completely fucking weird and here's the other thing i don't give a fuck i don't care at all make it weird but i'm gonna fucking say yo you're being a weirdo when you see me tell me you love me don't stare at me man i mean just fucking come up be like hey great

job good job i'm a big fan if it's anything more than that you don't have to come up hey i don't even know who you are but can i get a pic no bye the fuck you want to take a picture with some guy you don't know it's weird it's weird i sometimes i say that to people can i take a pic with you i say who am i and if they say i say no find out who i am i'll take a pic with you and i'm the dick right hey can i monopolize your fucking time for about 25 seconds so my Instagram is popping um yeah man uh this person's asking me this is a good question because we're talking about Coachella, at tall Heather. Cool.

You better be tall. If you're not tall, change it. How much money would it have to be if you were asked to do stand-up at Coachella? Dude, if you were asked to do stand-up at Coachella, it would literally be,

I don't care who it is doing it, you would fucking eat shit. You would bomb so hard. I would never do stand up at Coachella. You'd have to give me, you'd have to give me, God, that's a good question. You'd have to give me a million fucking dollars, dude. I wouldn't do it for less than that. Cause I think, honestly, you'd be taking a fucking huge hit in your career. Nobody would laugh.

It would look awful online. Everyone would be snapping it and putting it on fucking Twitter. I think you'd have to give me more than a million dollars to do it. To be totally honest. I'm telling you right now, if Coachella was like, we're going to give you $800,000 to do this, I would actually say no. And then when people would be like, but I want to see you, I'd be like, Saz bro. I'd be like, Sazier. I'd literally say

Sazier. Yeah, man. I mean, that's just career suicide oh somebody just tweeted me this fucking picture that i think buzzfeed put out when this guy asked his girl to prom this is fucking hilarious i'll tweet the picture um but this is i laughed really hard at this this sign and he's got this guy his arm around his girl and he's holding the sign where he asked her go to prom with her and the sign reads this is what it reads you'll run the i'll be one two i'd love to take a shot

at prom number one two with you you'll run the you'll run the i'll be warned you'll run the i'd love to take a shot i get that i'll be at prom with you you'll run the one two i'll be at prom with you you'll run the one two i'd love to take a shot at prom with you but what about i'll be this i gotta tweak this fucking thing how fucking stupid do you have to be to make this sign i'm sorry i don't give a shit he's in high school dude who may you'll run the i'll be one it could be i'll be one i'd love to to take a shot at i don't have a fucking clue what this means and i gotta tweet it and she said yes this fucking girl looked at this sign and says yes she don't even know what the fuck she's agreeing to

cool you just agreed i'm gonna beat the shit out of you wait what that's what the sign says you didn't read it i tried i gotta tweet this fucking thing um all right that's it i gotta go to toronto dude um really appreciate all you guys listening remember I have some stuff coming up I've got my special man on fire coming up late June in on Netflix you can support the podcast by going to store.christalia.com there's some stuff there

high quality made in Los Angeles my babies I got some fucking merch on there is very very cool. You wear it and people look at you and they go like this. Wow, that's amazing. Tweet me at hashtag congratulations pod and please

honestly rate and review the show. Sometimes I don't even want to do this fucking show. If you rate and review it and we're up in the rankings and daddy's fucking backing up more Brinks trucks then daddy's going to fucking do a lot of shit here, and he's going to do a lot more shows, maybe even do more shows. Might even do more than one a week.

So rate and review it, please. Tell your friends about it. We get those numbers up. Daddy's happy. The babies are happy. You understand? Square Cash. Don't forget to download the free Square Cash app for iOS or Android now.

Thanks for listening, my babies, and have a good week. for iOS or Android now. Thanks for listening, my babies, and have a good week.