Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 121. The Mayor of Cuck's Landing

Episode Date: May 21, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about people who signed the petition to remake Game of Thrones Season 8. Also discussed: shark planes, Aquaman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sonic the Hedgehog, and R&B from the 90s. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply what's up my babies it's episode 121 of Congratulations and Welcome. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Well, what's up, dude? We're chillin'. Now look, we start off on this, because One Fire said I was good to talk talk and I wasn't good to talk because the theme song wasn't over yet. Did he ruin the beginning of the show?

Yes. Is it okay? Yes. Will we get back on track? Yes. Did it fuck with the vibe a little bit? Yeah, but I'm a professional comedian and a professional talker. So will it be okay?

Yes, it will be fine. Is he still One Fire? Absolutely. But my babies were here and we're doing it. And it is episode 121. And it is fucking, you know what? I woke up today and I was like, I was like, look, maybe we should push this podcast to Wednesday because I wasn't feeling it. I wasn't feeling it.

I woke up today and I'm still tired from doing all the early flights, even though I don't need to. Because my routing was supposed to be easy enough to where I wasn't doing the flights early because the flights weren't too long so I didn't have to get up too early and my agent said it was going to be all good and it wasn't all good because there were only connecting flights unless I took the early flight which was a straight shot so I ended up taking the early flight anyway and therefore I am fucking absolutely goddamn exhausted. Now it's okay. I'm here because I woke up and I went to Starbucks.

I got some coffee that tastes like a fucking open cow's mouth. I drank it. I sat there for a while. I collected my thoughts. I feel good, man. I feel fire. I feel good. Now we're going.

Then we go and we start. One fire says I can start and I can't start. It's pissing me off and it's all good. It's pissing me off but it's all good. So now we're going. And then we go and we start. And one fighter says, I can start. And I can't start. And it's pissing me off. And it's all good. It's pissing me off, but it's all good. Okay. But I was in Edmonton. And I was in Vancouver Island, which is a fucking island off of Vancouver.

It's called Victoria. It's Victoria, BC. And it's a big-ass island. And there's no bridge to get there. You've got to take a prop plane or you've got to take a boat or a ferry. And we took a plane from Edmonton to Victoria, and it had those little fucking, you know what I mean, those fucking just two engines where if one blew out, you're done.

One blows out, you're done. You're done. If a blade flies off that thing, you're done you're done if a blade flies off that thing he done sayonara that's it dude so we did that i want to get it was like one of those planes were like that it was just the next step below the plane was like the plane with the two bubble domes on it and you're fucking and there's two seats and you're just either in in the front seat or the back seat and you have to wear a fucking scarf and goggles dude whatever happened to those planes where you could fucking where they didn't even have a dome and you just had to wear goggles dude like like like it's like just like you're not going 4,000 miles an hour. Wow.

Aviator, you know, motorcycle style fucking, the aviator hat, you know? Imagine being on a plane where you had to wear a hat for safety. Dude, one of those fucking engine goes, one of those engines go, say sayonara you're twirling towards the ground oh man uh that's that's anyway so we did it and it's fine and it was bumpy it's bumpy as shit because the plane's so small but it was all good and um And so I did that. I was in Edmonton. I'm live on my app right now. If you want to get the Chris Talia app, you can see the episode before anybody, the beginning of the episode before anybody. And, you know, it is what it is.

Remember those planes where they would put the fucking shark's mouth at the end? Dude, how fucking stupid is that? Where you try to paint your fucking plane that looks like an animal dude how confusing is that also you're not even painting your plane like an animal that flies you're painting your plane like a fucking shark's face hey man sharks go i don't know if you know this, but sharks go on the ocean. Dude, I saw the end of Aquaman on the plane, by the way. And all I got to say about that is, hey, dude, he's underwater and he's talking to like the fucking big ass lizard thing.

And it's like, you cannot have the scepter and he was like oh i'm getting that scepter and they were like you can't have this scepter and then the fucking big ass thing was trying to swing its tail around and kill fucking aquaman and his hair looked all goddamn beautiful because he was underwater and then and then uh and then he got the scepter and then won. You know? How about people who would be like, oh, don't ruin Aquaman. Like you thought maybe it would end a different way. Dude, he got the scepter.

Hey, at the end of Aquaman, he gets the scepter. In every one of those goddamn movies, man, the bad guy has something, and the good guy's like, I got to get it. And the bad guy's like, nope, I got it. And the good guy's like, watch me. And then the good guy gets it. Anyway, they were talking underwater. And it didn't even sound like, blah, blah, blah. He was like, oh, I'm going to get that scepter.

It was like echoey, underwater. scepter it was like echoey underwater so uh and then she's like and then that fucking girl who made all that shit up about johnny depp being abusive what's her name amber heard was like hey you're the king now and oh dude how do you direct movies like that for real i want to be in a movie like that so goddamn bad it's unreal just to where i'm just like the guy fucking no matter how dope no matter how i trained my body no matter how hard i trained fucking martial arts and doing the shit no matter how much uh of my faculties i had with me no matter what i would still still, if I was one of those parts, I'd still look like the guy,

like that old vine of the guy that's like, I almost killed you. Dude, how bitch is it to wear long-sleeve shirts for real? I have a long-sleeve shirt on right now, and it's so bitch. Like, you gotta wear short sleeves, really. If you wear a long-sleeve shirt, it's pretty bitch. Unless it has a collar.

This is just what I think. I don't know. Whatever, dude. I don't even know why the fuck you listen to this podcast for real. It's a goddamn train wreck. But we love you for it, my babies. And I was in Canada. And let me just tell you something about Canadians, man.

They're the night. And here's how I figured this out. So I was in Edmonton, which is, by the way, it might as well be America. It's the most American Canadian city. I've been all around Canada. And the most American Canadian city is not North Battleford. Do you know why? Because it's so goddamn Canadian.

I went there. And in North Battleford, I told the story about North Battleford. And the guy asked me to go ice fishing. That's a Canadian. But Edmonton, it might as well be fucking America. For some reason, it's so American. And I went to a bar there to eat afterwards. It was the only place open, and we ate food.

And everyone was, like, annoying the shit out of me, you know, coming up, and drunk people were like, oh, Chris Leal, what the fuck are you doing here? And it's like, what do you think I'm doing in Edmonton? And they say, a show? And I go, i go yup and they say can i get a pic and i say sure yeah let's do it quick and then the guy's like okay oh hey dude come over here and i'm like what but everybody but i realized everyone was like, quote unquote, annoying the shit out of me. But like, it was fine. And I realized like everyone was just really, I left the place with like a really nice feeling. I mean, dude, I must have talked to fucking 25 people there that came up to me. And I left and I was like, man, in America, if this happened, I would be leaving in such a bad mood because people would be such fucking assholes about it.

But Canadians are just nice as fuck, dude dude they really give you a good feeling it's such a nice place everywhere you go um it's such a great dude then i went to vict, and this island is just like this island of fucking beautiful people. And also, there's so many Asians in Vancouver and that area. What's the deal with that? I guess... I don't know what the population... Let's look up the Asian population in, in Vancouver. Um, but, but it was just like nice as shit, man.

And like, it sucks how cold it is, but like everyone just, I, I, I found myself in two days in Canada, just having such a fucking positive outlook on life and like a positive thing. The crowds were great. outlook on life and like a positive thing the crowds were great i would if i didn't have to live in la to fucking make it or to stay relevant i'd live in canada no doubt if they'd have me i'd probably fuck up their whole vibe but uh yeah nah love it love canada can get canada congrats with the fucklations man it's just great you're you're uh you're a great place um so uh also um also uh yeah i watched aquaman and it was fucking insane on that little ass TV on the plane.

So funny to complain about little ass TV on the plane. It was like you're 30,000 feet in the air and you're fucking watching TV and you're still like, this TV is too little. But I took, I took WestJet, which is, they're like, I'm like,

there's no wifi. This is how I, this is how the plane looked on WestJet. This is how I asked this. This, you can tell how the plane looked with the way I asked this to the stewardess. Hey, there's no wifi on this plane, huh?

And she was like, no, not that. This is how they always say it, dude. This drives me nuts. This is how they always say it. If you say, if you say, if there's no Wi-Fi on the plane and you say, is there Wi-Fi on this plane? And there isn't Wi-Fi on the plane? This is how they fucking say it. They go like this.

No, not on this plane there isn't. OhFi on the plane, this is how they fucking say it. They go like this. No, not on this plane there isn't. Oh, just say no, dude. Just say no. It's like you're trying to fucking be like, well, look, the company isn't that bad. They have other planes that it is, but this plane, no. Hey, it's 2019, dude. Planes have been around for, what, over 100 years? No, when did the first plane invent it? 14, dude. Planes have been around for, what, over 100 years? No.

When did the first plane invent it? If a plane's been around for 50, if something's been around for 50 years already, there better be goddamn Wi-Fi on it. Do you know what I'm talking about? There's toasters with Wi-Fi on it, for real. You can get a toaster and hook it up to your fucking Wi-Fi. No doubt. If there's that, then planes have Wi-Fi on it. I'm a big proponent.

I know there's that whole thing, which I was going to get to when I said there should be Wi-Fi on all the planes and how the TVs are too small and shit. There's a whole Louis C.K. bit where he's like, you know, stop complaining because you're in the air listening to fucking or watching TV or whatever the fuck. Dude, I don't agree with that. If you have some shit and it's invented, make it work. Or don't invent it, dude. I don't agree with that bit. The bit's funny. I get it. But like, no, complain, dude.

If the shit doesn't work, complain. When I go on stage, I do my job. I fucking rip my babies. I try hard. I make't work. Complain. When I go on stage, I do my job. I fucking rip my babies. I try hard. I make it work. If it didn't work, you complain. I guess sometimes I bomb. Maybe I'm wrong there.

I love, though, when there's a fucking. Oh, by the way, did you see the, I mean, Schwarzenegger got fucking drunk. Let me tell you about this shit, man. Schwarzenegger was in, where was he, South Africa? Chilling in a gym, taking videos of like a girl doing jump rope like a sweet guy trying to fucking be like look at the way she jump roped the holly you know and this guy flew across like literally flew into frame in every in every shot that the angle that they have because of course people are videoing it because it's Arnold Schwarzenegger and people are videoing him whenever he's anywhere. In every angle that got uploaded online,

the guy who did the jump kick is flying into frame. So this guy is an unreal flying jump kicker. Like flying into frame always with two feet, two. Like it looks like his friends threw him, like swung him around and was like, here we go. Get your feet out. You're going to fucking knock the shit out the Terminator. And he flew into frame every time and kicked the middle of Arnold Schwarzenegger's back.

Okay. Kicked the middle of Arnold Schwarzenegger's back, okay? If anybody kicked the middle of anyone's back that you know, they go down. But Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't move, dude. He literally goes, what the fuck? And turns around like one of those bad old cartoons that's like, gets punched and is like, is there a fly in here? You know? And he fucking,

and he turned around, like he probably only went, a little bit, you know? When he got kicked, he probably would just went, and then turned around, he's like, and then the guy the the bald bodyguard guy just fucking kind of like a little bit choked the person out but it was like

i mean the guy didn't put up a fight after that you think i put up a fight like he was like no i know i just tried to drop kick one of the most famous guys in the world it's all good it's all good it's all good and then fucking they of course escorted him out. But dude, how about, I know that this is just like the fucking obvious stance to take, but how about how Schwarzenegger is the Terminator? How about how Schwarzenegger took that fucking double-footed kick? Like what? What? Bro, if you spit on me, I'd fall down.

If you spit on me, I'd go, whoa, and fall down and shit all over. And I was supposed to get a flying jump kick from off screen. Do you know how fucking far the kick came from? Is off screen. That's how far. If some shit comes from off screen, that shit is so far. If you're ever reading a script and you're like, off screen, a car rolls. You're like, okay, that's from far away.

What the fuck was he trying to do and then Arnold Schwarzenegger wrote I'm fine I just honestly thought someone bumped into me eh say the man sorry I just thought that someone was trying to bump into me Hal dude I know this is so dumb to talk about, but for real, imagine having sex with

Arnold Schwarzenegger and when he had an orgasm you were like, well, that's the fucking thing he does. Like, you know he goes, that would be so weird, dude. To actually be a girl and go on dates with Arnold Schwarzenegger and then like he fucking beds you

and then you're making love and he's like you'd be like that's actually so that would be a fucking mind fuck you'd be like oh my god dude he actually does that that's crazy that's so crazy people have had sex with Arnold Schwarzenegger, you know? Like there's a, there's some people that are just like so lucky that they had sex with Arnold Schwarzenegger. If you had

sex with Arnold Schwarzenegger, you're lucky as fuck. Like I would never have sex with Arnold Schwarzenegger, but like if somebody was like, yo, you want to have sex with Arnold Schwarzenegger? I'd be like, I mean, I, no, I don't think so. But it wouldn't be like, no. I'd be like, no, dude, I get it. But no. But yeah, he took that kick like a champ, bro. He took that kick like somebody, you know what he took that kick like? A lead actor.

The lead. he took that kick like a lead actor the lead um god i love these fucking uh i love these uh what do you call it the um the like finales and shit like they bring out the fucking like anytime a show ends like it's weird how like so after it it's like during the show of whatever you're talking about Star Wars, Game of Thrones, anything

it's like during it you don't realize how dorky it is and then afterward you really realize how dorky it is so like I'm on season 5 of Game of Thrones you don't realize how dorky it is, and then afterward, you really realize how dorky it is. So like, I'm on season five of Game of Thrones. I don't,

you know, I'm not caught up, but I know the finale was obviously this past weekend, and people are upset with the way it ended. First of all, it's so hard to sustain a fucking show for eight seasons, okay? It's so hard to sustain a fucking show for eight seasons.

Okay. I know that because every show I've been on has been canceled after three or two. Okay. But there's petition. There's a petition to redo the last fucking season of Game of Thrones? Like, look that up. Sophie Turner slams fan petition to remake Game of Thrones season 8. Like, do you understand the level of glasses pushing up dorkiness you are um do you understand the level of look just you are the level of excuse me i i was actually in line level of, you know, it just makes me laugh.

Dorky. You are is, is off the charts, dude. It's that flying jump kick off the charts from your off, your off screen coming in, in the dork mobile to be like, dude,

we got to, we got to start the petition. I mean, you're the guy outside of the Lakers fucking staple center protesting about the Lakers management. Hey, you're the first to go. They're not going to remake fucking season eight of game of Thrones. They're not going to make another goddamn

episode. Maybe in 10 years they might make a prequel or some shit. But dude, they're not going to make a fucking a million people signed it. A million of you are the first to go. A million of you just exposed yourself. You're the first to go a million of you just exposed yourself you're the first to go line up you're on the front line

when someone says when someone says oh dude they got a remake season eight of of fucking game of thrones and I'm going to sign the petition. You say, get out there. That's what you say to them. And they say, what? And you say, well, you're on the front line, dude. You're not going to be making decisions. People tell you what to do.

Dude, I signed. Did you sign the petition, oh, you're one of the million people? Here you go. Get out there. Here's a gun. Here's a gun. Get out there. Protect our minds. Protect our decision-making minds, you cucks.

Decision-making minds. You cucks. Dude. Are you fucking shitting me? Imagine taking a fucking pen or signing in, logging in. Well, this matters enough to me. Remake season eight of Game of Thrones. Bro. No. They did it. You watched it. See ya. It didn't end the way you liked it. remake season 8 of Game of Thrones bro no

they did it, you watched it, see ya it didn't end the way you liked it, then guess what make a show make a show where it ends the way you want it to end make that show as a matter of fact get all the fucking people together remake Game of Thrones

you got a million of you remake Game of Thrones season 8 so I'm telling you petition motherfuckers there's a million of you that signed that signed that you guys signed that how about this you get together and you remake season 8 of Game of Thrones. You do that. I'll watch that. You do that. As a matter of fact, I guarantee. How much will people watch that? Sophie Turner is putting a viral petition requesting a GOT season eight remake on blast.

It's disrespectful to the crew and the writers and the filmmakers who have worked tirelessly over 10 years. You know, shit, you fucking dorks. Here you go. Get out there. Atta boy. Yo, you're about to get shot in the head. For our minds. Look at this.

Look at this look at this and people from different languages just being dorks look someone just commented please under it like that's gonna help somebody just commented under the remake the petition things please hey man you're literally the first to go you're literally the first to go.

You're literally the guy who gets the first gun. What happened here? Here. Get out there, soldier. Why am I the first one? Oh, you wrote please under the petition. You thought you should sign in. You gave him your email.

And you signed in under the petition to remake Game of Thrones Season 8. You wrote P-L-E-A-S-E. Here, get out there. Well, okay, I don't really understand, but... You didn't even give him a helmet. No, I know. He's just a fucking... He's a...

Oh, God. You know why? It's because he's a fucking goddamn idiot. And he's the biggest fucking glasses-pushing-up dork of all... He's from... The thing is, dude, he was the mayor of Dorksville. That's why. That's what happened.

He was the fucking mayor of... Of Cucks Landing. That's what happened. He was the fucking mayor of Cucks Landing. That's why. I mean, dude, come on, man. I don't like what they did to dinner. She was the hero for 90% of the series, and, you know, it's like, this makes me laugh how...

I just don't like, you know's like it's like scroll up so we get another one here you know it's like even the writers think that the final season was supposed to be the fact that there are almost 1.5 million people signing this that's the guy looking for his arm and fucking saving private ryan that's that guy that That's what he's saying. The earlier seasons were magical because the writers had all the published books and work for reference. This is actually poorly written. It rushed with abandoned storyline arcs. And that's what the guy's saying, looking for his arm on the fucking opening scenes when you're storming the beach in Normandy. When you're storming the beach in Normandy.

when you're storming the beach in Normandy. When you're storming the beach in Normandy. In the fucking, in the Saving Private Ryan movie. Dude, how dorky was it when people thought it was funny to say, Saving Ryan, hey, have you seen Saving Ryan's Privates? Yo, dude. There's a porno named to that for sure. Okay, look, I got to do some ads and then I'm going to tell you a story about my fucking uncle's mom.

Yeah. But don't be a dis-orc. And don't sign. How about this? Don't sign petitions for TV shows. Okay? They were trying to fucking sign petition. Dude, this is the other thing about the Robert Pattinson playing Batman.

Like he's going to maybe probably get the Batman part. playing Batman. Like he's going to maybe probably get the Batman part. And then there are people like, no, no, no, no way. I can't see him as Batman. Well, guess who can? The people who are fucking creating Batman. Also, what do these people, these people who think Robert Pattinson shouldn't play Batman. I'm all for it, by the way. Go ahead. Go ahead. He looks like he could be Batman.

You're only saying that he can't play Batman. Straight up, you're only saying that because of Twilight. Okay? And you're saying that because that, people just wanted to hate that show because it was a fucking, it was for teenage girls. And you're like, oh, that's so fucking, oh, it's so corny it's so stupid it's not actually good but you saying no way i won't stand for robert pattinson playing batman and making a petition and bitching about it online makes you a teenage girl. So what the fuck?

You are what you hate. You don't like Robert Pattinson playing Batman because he was on Twilight because you didn't like that shit because it was for teenage girls. So you go online and you start a petition or sign a petition about how Robert Pattinson would be a bad Batman and how he shouldn't play it because you're a teenage girl. That's what happened. You're no better than that shit. Chew dune. Chew dune. dude doing?

You fucking 45-year-old bellied out fucking typist just fucking complaining and bitching online about how Robert Pattinson... Fuck that. Why can't he be Batman? Because he was in Twilight? So what? Were those movies corny? So what? You know what's fucking corny? A guy dressing up as a fucking bat.

It's all corny, dude. Let them fucking pick it. People thought Michael Keaton back when wouldn't be a good Batman. Imagine if the internet existed. They'd be up in arms. You're not going to, dude, you don't matter. You don't matter, dude.

If you're making a petition about the Sonic the Hedgehog shit, it's like, dude, you don't, that was crazy when people are like, oh, Sonic the Hedgehog. Oh, man, no. Like, why all this hate on the way Sonic the Hedgehog looked in the movie? Who cares? And then the fucking producers, I think they actually went back and were like, all right, well, we're going to, dude, you fucking buckling ass motherfuckers. Fuck that.

I don't know, man. Maybe I got the one. Maybe I'm the one with the problem. If I was the producer of Sonic the Hedgehog and then somebody was like, dude, no way. That's not how it should look guess what happened you just solidified the way it goddamn looked stand up for especially for some dumb shit like sonic the hedgehog man come on dude Dude, just think about complaining. Just think for a second about complaining about something called Sonic the Hedgehog.

Like, it's a blue hedgehog with sneakers on. Okay. And you're 40. Also, I swear to God, I thought it looked cool. And I was like, oh, wait, people are hating on this? I was like... I love this. Artist fixes live action Sonic the Hedgehog.

And then like, it got like a million retweets or some shit. And it's just like... The only thing he did is make his fucking dick area less. And he made them shorter a little bit. And it got fucking 89,000 likes. Oh no, sorry. 325,000 likes. If you like that, you're a dork. Straight up.

First to go. Here you go. Get out there, so crazy, dude, one of the fucking, stories I was going to tell you, when I said before the break, was about my uncle,

so he had this house in Utah and he wasn't there and his mom was there and she was there with her friends and this was in the early 2000s and she called my uncle from Utah and he was in LA, I think, and she was like, hey, so my friends and I sat down to finally start watching The Sopranos. Is it usually this graphic?

And my uncle said, well, it's a pretty graphic show. Yeah, people get killed and stuff. And she was like, no, I'm talking about the sex. And he was like, I mean, sometimes there's sex scenes in it huh yeah and he's like yeah but it's really like that's all it is and he was like what are you talking about it's not just sex like there's she's like oh my god she says i'm watching the Sopornos. She ordered a porn called the Sopornos instead. Dude. First of all,

old woman, you know, thought she was watching the Sopranos, turned it on. People were butt fucking each other. And then she realized after calling someone while people while people were on screen, but fucking that she was watching the Sopranos instead. Look at the Sopranos thing. Look at the end. Then they made the Sopranos to up. And of course, they made Sopranos instead. Look at the Sopornos thing. And then they made the Sopornos 2.

And of course they made Sopornos 4 and 5. Dude, how about how many sequels they make for Sopornos? They don't give a fuck. That's how much you know storylines don't matter. You know? That they just keep making

sequels. Like they can't even make fucking 8 seasons of Game of Thrones without people fucking bitching. And then they'll just be like, it'll be like the Sopornos 95. I mean, dude, look at how gross,

how dumb are guys that they'll just see it. And they'll be like, ah, look at that one up there on the upper right, dude. Sopornos 2. Look at the guy. Unreal, dude. James DiGiorgio's, of course.

Dame DiGiorgio. James DiGiorgio. Hey, dude. James DiGiorgio, you know? For fuck's sake. James DiGiorgio. How do you say that? James DiGiorgio. Hi, I'm James DiGiorgio, you know? For fuck's sake. James DeGiorgio. How do you say that? James DeGiorgio.

Hi, I'm James DeGiorgio. Ah, go fuck yourself. Pick a different one. The Sopranos 3. And the guy on it, dude. The only Moritan you could be, by the way, then actually acting in The Sopranos is taking your dick out, you know? And that's what these guys do.

The most Italian you could be is in a fucking silk, button-down, opened-up thing with a hairy chest and a chain and a cigar with sunglasses on. And your pants are down and your dick's out and you say hey you guys get over here and you're talking to fucking like permed out white chicks you want me to suck your cock hey you guys get over here ah tony wants me to suck his cock again all right i'll do it. Look after the lasagna on the stove. I gotta suck Tony's cock. Sopornos, you know? Like, dude.

Sopornos. Like, not clever. Dude, these sex uh these sex fucking things. They don't even try. They'll be like, yeah, you know we gotta make the sexvengers, right?

Yeah, we gotta make the cumvengers. It's between the sexvengers and the cumvengers. We got Ironcock, man Man and Captain Dick America. They're like, okay, sure. And then we got fucking, who's the fucking Charlotte? Who's the fucking, I always forget her name.

The one that's marrying Colin Jost. Scarlett Johansson, her character. We're just going to call her fucking Twat Girl. We don't even know her name in the thing. Black Widow, we'll call her fucking Twat. It's all good. And then fucking Iron Cock Man,

we'll call Hulk Hulk, but it'll be about his cock, you know? His cock's Hulk. His cock will get big and green, right? He'll say, he'll just have a big fucking cock, and it'll get big and green, and then some girl, and then Twat will be like, oh, not your big green cock, and then she'll be into it and shit, and she'll fucking suck his big green cock, right? Then we'll have fucking Nebulabula we'll call her twatbula

then thanos we'll call them fucking big balls thanos or something just big balls we'll call them big balls and i'll have big purple fucking balls and we'll put the infinity stones on his balls this is the fucking for real and they don't even try and then they're done with the meeting and then uh and then we got Spider-Man. We'll call him fucking cum guzzler. He'll be gay. Call him cum guzzle man. Go back.

Then we'll go to fucking Nick Fury. You guessed it. You guessed what we'll call him, of course. I mean, do we even need to say it? Let's all say it on the count of three. Three, two, one. Dick Fury. Great. We all said it, of course. I mean, do we even need to say it? Let's all say it on the count of three. Three, two, one. Dick Fury. Great.

We all said it, of course. There we go. We'll put an eye patch over his fucking left balls. Star fucking Doctor Strange. We'll call him fucking Doctor Cum. Doctor Jizz. Let's call him Doctor Jizz. And then when he jizzes, it'll open up a portal and then fucking twat girl will get into it.

Go more to the left. Who else we got? Rocket, Raccoon. We got Loki, Bucky Barnes. We'll call him fucking come one, two, three. Come one, come two, and come three. Black Panther. We'll call him black cock panther

groot we'll call him root i mean dude what is i didn't realize the asian guy's name is wong wong s a racist Wong Wong. That's his name in the fucking Avengers? Oh, Wong. Oh, okay. Why does it say Wong Wong? Oh, Benedict Wong is playing Wong?

Oh, wow. Okay. Well, they were like, we gotta get him, right? Also, dude, I love when Asian guys are named shit like Benedict. You ain't fooling dude when i was a kid i went to school with so many asian kids and their names would be like the fucking old the old american names that people don't use anymore like george and hank it would be like hank suck and we'd be like hey hey, man, you know, at least pick fucking Charlie or fucking Dave, you know. It would be like the girls would be Mary and Grace.

And the guys would be George and fucking Hank. Oh, yeah. Hey, Hank Wong., yeah. Hey, Hank Wong. So funny. All right. Let me do a bunch of these. Just because they're... And also...

Where's that going? It's backing up to my house. Oh, it's backing up to my house. I need to get a fucking dump truck, dude, just so it can fucking raise up and fall out all disrespectful on my fucking driveway for all my bags to just fucking... Like this shit, if you're watching bags to just fucking like this shit.

If you're watching the video just like this. Just bags dropping because of the ads. Just fucking disrespect all falling out. And I leave some there. It is what it is though my babies Sopornos

but yeah so I I don't like this how it I can't fucking how come I can't do the thing with the where the fucking things go on my thing

whatever it won't work what on my thing. Whatever. It won't work. What? Oh. Wow. But also, how do I... Okay, now how do I get... I'm pissed.

I'm fucking pissed. Okay, now I can't get it back where do I how do I get it back where is everything oh I gotta fucking drag it oh wow one fire made me make all this stuff go away and now I can't get it back no it doesn't dude

now it gets to this look at this look at all those icons oh he doesn't know he fucked me royally dude command tab oh wow dude i put the cap on like a bitch it won't come up though it's stuck in the fucking corner, dude. Whatever. It doesn't matter. You know what?

It doesn't matter. We're doing it. We're doing it. I mean, it's fine, dude. Fuck it. I don't care. We don't need this shit. But what I do need to tell you is I fucking went to online and I was thinking about my old college roommate, dude, one time.

This is how fucking petty I am, man. I had a college roommate that was, I think he was, I think he was, I don't know what his nationality was. I think he was Indian. was i think he was indian but we got along until we didn't get along because we were just fucking sleeping next to each other on fucking twin beds in a fucking small college dorm you know and one time man we probably annoyed the shit out of each other i definitely annoyed the shit out of him i know i did this is not like i'm This is not one of those stories where I was like, he was an asshole, he was not an asshole. I was probably an asshole as well.

Just annoying-wise. We didn't like fucking fight or anything. But I remember one time I laughed so hard because I was annoying him and I was singing that song. Let me lick you up and down until you say stop. And he goes like this, stop stop and i fucking howled because he did what they said in the song and i was not even fucking expecting it but anyway um there was one time where uh he also used to talk about now that i think about it how fucking

much this was well before 9-11 he would talk about how much he liked Osama Bin Laden, which is actually, now that I think about it, pretty fucking crazy. He'd be like, Osama Bin Laden is better than Bush. He would say that. Okay? Okay, well. Remember that song? I'm going to lick you up and down until you say that. Okay? Okay, well. Remember that song? I'm going to lick you up and down until you say stop.

Why am I not connected to the internet here? Here we go. It's called Freak Me from Silk. Remember that song? A lot of you youngins probably don't know that song. Silk. This is how it goes. Freak me, baby.

Oh, yeah. So sexual. Might as well just be fucking Let me hit you up and down Till you say stop Also, so consensual, you know? R&B isn't usually this consensual Let me lick you up and down Until you say stop So not sexy

Are you all good with this? Just let me know. Oh, yeah. You know we have a safe word. That's if I pull your hair too hard, you say fucking banana or some shit. Um. Fucking banana or some shit. But yeah, so I did that and he said, stop. And I fucking cried laughing. And then he would annoy the shit out of me, though.

And then when I left, I left before him at a school year. And there were cell phones, but you would still have the fucking landline. And there were cell phones, but you would still have the fucking landline. And I took the receiver of the phone, and I went outside, and I threw it away. So he couldn't find the receiver. That was my last laugh. That's how petty I am. What a bitch move that I did that.

But I did do that. But I looked him up. And this is the crazy thing about the internet, man. I looked him up, and he's got a family now, and I think he's in India, and he's got a wife and a baby. He only had two pictures on Instagram, and they were both from 2014, but it was nice to see him again. Everybody gets a little bit fatter, huh, as they get older? And I'm not saying that he did. I'm just, you know what I mean, though, right, Wink? Do you know what I'm saying?

And I'm not trying to be like, not necessarily saying that he got fatter, but all I'm saying is I saw his picture, and it was 14 years later, and all I'm saying is everybody gets a little bit fatter, don't they? And I'm not trying to say that that's what happened to him, but you do the math, right? Remember these songs, dude? God damn, these songs. Remember this one?

How much are all these guys bald now? Just fucking... Is there anything more pleasing to the human ear for real than that harmony right there? I mean, it's just so awesome. One time I was hanging out with my buddy, not the smartest guy in the world, but he said, did you know that you can, did you know that one of the most beautiful, one of the most beautiful sounds they say

in science is when brothers harmonize? And I was like, oh, for fuck's sake. And he meant it. And I was like, who are my friends? Dude, this fuck's sake. And he meant it. And I was like, who are my friends? Dude, this song rips. Dude, I'm like, what am I, a fucking radio DJ? You guys, we got Color Me Bad coming up.

Here we go. All right. These guys seem so gay. These guys seem so gay. Okay. What girl would fucking want to fuck a guy who sings this kind of shit? You know what I mean? Just fucking so funny. But girls would be like, oh my god.

They would throw themselves at fucking Color Me Bad. What girl would want to fuck a guy that sings that kind of shit? That's so hilarious, dude. That's for a glass of wine cause now we're all alone. I've been waiting all night so just let me hold you close to me. I've been waiting all night, so just let me hold you close to me. Hey, bitch.

I mean, come on, dude. The fucking first comment. I love this kind of shit. Lorenzo Byers writes, I love the 90s with a passion. Exclamation points. Let's see what people say about him somebody else writes under that 70s mate philly motown i mean okay god so funny that people really leave. Maybe people really leave comments like they matter, dude. Look at this.

Every time I hear this song, I want to park at the beach and make love to my girlfriend who is now my lovely wife. So glad I was in this era. Love the 90s and 80s. On a YouTube comment. Hey, guy, get a blog. And eight replies, dude. What are these people saying to this guy? So very, very sweet. Makes me remember that there are

some good men left in the world. Because of a comment? This guy could be fucking jerking off to kid porn. And then, oh, and then somebody comments, love her. And then someone puts, that's beautiful, you put a ring on it. And then someone comments to that, 80s and 90s were incredible, so missing the point. Somebody else writes, you need to be cloned.

Dude. Somebody else writes, those were the days, bro. Like he was there watching them fuck. Outside of the car, just like with the fucking song playing. Just some creep. Some guys are making love to his girlfriend and he's just outside like this. From a fucking dune. From behind a dune like this near a trash can. With just a long shirt on and his dick's

getting hard and he's jerking and then he puts the binoculars down and jerks but then he's like fuck but i can't see when i jerk because i can't use them the fucking binoculars so then he puts the binoculars back up and jerked up one hand and use binoculars with another hand and then he fucking busting up when on the ah tiktok you don't stop dude ah tiktok you don't stop then then this is the best this is the best somebody comments wow this is the best somebody comments this song is still relevant till this day what do you mean dude they? They're talking about fucking.

You know what's always relevant? Fucking. Oh, this guy I like. What the hell were we listening to when we were kids, lol? That guy I like, dude. You know what song ripped? Wow, this one that wasn't even a an effect that was some guy going

that song ripped dude Wow. Damn, dude. Genuine for sure fucked only five guys, and that's it, and no women. Genuine absolutely guaranteed only fucked five guys and no women in his whole life. No doubt, dude. I want to get freaky, baby. Thinking about one of the four guys that he fucked and that's it.

Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. One of the comments, how many females got pregnant from this song, LOL? Oh. Somebody writes, who else feels sexy AF when this comes on?

And this comment is by Zawendagozi Bezik. This guy wrote, I literally searched up song that sounds like burping and got exactly what I wanted. I wanted. I mean, wow, dude. Amazing. I mean, the way it's fucking spelled. Pick yours of genuine. Fuck. I guess we can do a...

Do we have a... No? Oh, really? That's hilarious. OneFire just said we were trying to find fucking... What are they called? Misconnections? Is that what they're called?

I'm from Canada because I was just in Canada and there aren't any weird ones. Because Canada's perfect. This is in Vancouver, though. This is one of them? Just one? There's just one? Okay.

This is from Vancouver. Girl in sauna at Grandview Pool. Oh, we sat next to each other in the sauna at Grandview Pool today. You had butterfly tattoo and me with beard. Wanted to say hi, but I was really shy. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers, huh? Eh? Dude.

That's hilarious. You had a butterfly tattoo and he had a beard. S a Canadian. Wow. And then what else? That's so funny. Girl in sauna at Grandview. Hit him up, dude, for some.

Man, that's so funny. That's so, of course, that Canada didn't have some fucking bad ones because they're Canadian. And they all are just like loving each other and families and nobody needs to fucking jerk off in a car. That it? There's this one? Another one? Oh, this is a reply?

There's a reply from the sauna in Grandview Pool. Oh, God. Re, girl in sauna. Ha, ha. Too funny. Take a course on being less shy. It's a Canadian giving him help. Random person giving him help.

Also, he said do not contact him with unsolicited services or offers. So that's fucking bullshit that you did that. But so nice. I spilled. First spill ever on the congratulations and it didn't fucking hit me because i have the reflexes of a fucking mongoose dude but that's how that's what ace ventura said in the fucking uh what do you call it nah bro we're gonna wrap up dude it is how it is do i look if i take my fucking shirt i just take

my fucking shirt off and just clean it. That was it. We spilled, but we even spilled at the end, dude, because that's what's up. Wow. You get to see a real live spill. That's pretty fucking hot. We're done anyway, dude. It's been over an hour and I'm just chilling.

And I got to go clean this bullshit up. And then you could download the Crystalia app. Support the show by buying merch at store.crystalia.com. And the restock is continuous, so keep a lookout. You can get gift cards too as well if you know somebody who's a fan. And then tweet me and subscribe and rate and review the show really helps. And then video episodes go up a day after the audio. And that's about it, man.

You guys, thanks for everything. I've got a show in Hoover, Alabama, Memphis, Tennessee, Chattanooga, Tennessee, Knoxville, Tennessee. I've got all these shows coming up. So go to crystalia.com for that shit. And that's what's up. All right, you guys, thanks for listening. I'm going to go clean up this spell. Bye-bye. Thank you.