Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 122. Ojork

Episode Date: May 29, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about fictional Instagram profiles. Also discussed: VICE News, Uber, Del Taco, incels, Mt. Everest, and Missed Connections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Remember last time? Remember last time when one fire fucked it up and told me to start talking about nine seconds into the theme song? Well, that didn't happen this time. And it's all gravy. It's all good now because we fucking, you know, we made it and it's been smooth sailing so far. It's only been 20 seconds, but it's been smooth sailing.

Let's let you know that right now I'm live on my app. And you guys can get it at Crystalia. No, I'm sorry. At a fucking anywhere they do apps just type in crystalia we're coming to um memphis tennessee chattanooga tennessee and knoxville tennessee that's the follow the leader tour uh so that's where we're going and uh get your tickets now at crystalia.com and uh that's that it. Yo, look at what kind of shirt we got on. We should probably even just not even say anything about it, but somebody sent me this. I can't remember who.

I get sent a lot of shit, okay? Your boy gets sent a lot of shit, and I forget. Oh, it was the Caffeine and Kilos guys. That's who it was. But it's the Albuquerque News 13 local news. What is it? K-R-Q-U-E? Q-E?

K-Kirk. K-Kirk. Kirk. Kirk. Wow. Okay. Kirk. Why is there...

Everything is K on a radio, which is just like the way they did it in fucking when they first started doing radio in 1710. And then they added a K on it. Hi, welcome to K-K-K- k k k k k k k k k k welcome to the kkk where all we do all whites all the time kkk where we play hank williams all day long kkk welcome to kkk double dk double dk K. Double you. When radio announcers, they really do... You're supposed to say W, you know? But they really fucking hit home the doubled you.

It's www.com. You know? If you want to go to the KRORock website, it's www.krock.com, that's rock with a Q, we got a little bit of Justin Bieber, we also got some Chris Rath, even though he beats the shit out of women, so here we go,

www.krock.com, if you want to hear Justin Bieber, if you want to hear some Bieber if you want to hear some the guy with the Ed, what is his fucking name Ed what's his name, Ed Sheeran or if you want to hear

Chris Brown, he beats the shit out of women here we go live live at a concert, Chris Brown is backstage beating the shit out of women um log log fly ball deep to the center when they do that

I love how I used to try to do this bit on stage about how bad this is here's an example of a comedian that trying to do a bit on stage never fucking worked and maybe one day I'll do it but i don't think so because i don't like to do impressions but um i always thought it was funny how uh how how um what do you call it uh the announcers would announce everything that was going on in either the baseball player's life or anything else in the world more important than the actual baseball game. They'd be like, Todd Zeal steps up to bat.

Todd Zeal hails originally from Fort Lauderdale, Florida. He made his move over to the Cardinals later on in life when he moved to St. Louis with his family. That's his kids, not his mom and dad. His mom and dad stayed in the southern tip of Florida for most of his childhood life and even well into the adult. I believe they're still there swinging a miss. Strike one.

That's how they would do it. And I would never be able to get it to work on stage because it's just like a conversational joke but that's how they fucking do it i would always fucking i would always i tried to do that bit maybe maybe six seven eight nine ten times they'd be like hensley mulan steps up to bat uh hailing from wherever the fuck he hails from. Who knows? His name is Hensley. Nobody's name has ever been Hensley in the world.

His parents apparently had him come out, and when he came out of his mom's pussy, his dad said, well, that looks like a Hensley. Might as well be from Mars because we've never heard that name before in our lives. And it also doesn't pair well with Muellens. So that's very odd that his name would be Hensley Muleins. Keeps his eye on the ball. Ball one. John Allrood steps up to the plate.

His batting average is 400, which is unbelievable. For some reason, he was an amazing hitter later on in his career. Wasn't that good in the beginning of his career. And the only guy who wears a helmet while playing first base. Apparently, he's that much of a pussy that he gets so scared to get hit in the head by a baseball, even though he's ready for it because he's playing first base and should always know when the ball is coming to him. Fly ball deep to center, and he's out. Anyway, KWWW.com.

We're here at baseball and all the baseball fights. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Doesn't matter what I say. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Shit my pants. Blah, blah, blah, blah. George Brett, up to bat, digs into the place,

digs into the plate, sorry, I said place, because George Brett shit all over the place last time. George Brett last night had double-dabbered shit, and long fly ball deep to right field, and he's out, and he shit his pants. All good, all good. He needs to take a shower, go to the bitch, take a fucking shower. Anyway, dude, that's it uh oh yeah there's a funny guy on instagram that does the really good voice announcing the bob

menary or whatever the fuck uh you guys should follow him i forgot about him someone on my app is letting me know that he uh you should collab with him no he's got it he's way better than i am at it he actually sounds like the guy for real. I sound like silly shit. He sounds like the guy for real, and it makes it that much funnier. Anyway, my manager keeps hitting me up about how fucking everyone in the business keeps talking to him about how I bring him up in the podcast, which is hilarious. I never actually thought about that. to him about uh how i'd bring him up in the podcast which is hilarious i never thought i never actually thought about that but he's like people are saying you know kind of saying so now

i'm like okay well sorry uh cool well this fucking sound plant device is not dragging which is really pissing me off. Everybody's fired. Everybody's fired. So, yeah. What did I do this week? Dude, I'm in town for a fucking month. So, what's the deal, dude? What's the deal? What do I do? I chill? Dude, I'm used to being on the road.

I'm used to being on the road, I'm used to being on the road and I don't know what to do and now I want to be fucking chilling but I don't know what to do uh I've just been like sitting around watching documentaries and shit watching documentaries and shit, watching documentaries and watching things on Vice. You know, people who watch Vice think they're better than everyone. A hundred percent. People who watch Vice laugh like this a lot when you say something not true, like that they think is not true. They go like this. They laugh like this.

Okay. And then they fucking underhandedly slam the shit out of you and nobody even gets that they're slamming you except for other people watch vice okay yeah if that's how you think sure but what about feelings that's what they do people watch vice always go like this sure okay yeah i. But what about feelings? What about girls with short hair and their feelings? So, yeah.

Vice is, you know, always trying to expose shit. Sometimes they expose shit that doesn't even need to be exposed. They're like, lemons. What the fuck?vice lemons and the guy's like yeah we talked to a lemon um and i sat down with a lemon the lemon's just on on a fucking in front of a computer on a keyboard just to see what the daily life of a lemon actually is a lemon just sitting there for fucking 12 seconds. And then a girl with fucking oversized glasses and a ponytail is like,

so, and she's wearing a flannel to make her, makes her a reporter. So lemon, so how do you feel being just in a society? Cut to the lemon just sitting there. Do you just ever feel pressure to be juice yeah you know i i feel like i don't know sometimes my relationships go sour sabbat joke but that's what it is dude that's vice bro i sat down fucking i sat down they're always sitting down dude i sat down with Fucking. I sat down. They're always sitting down, dude. I sat down with somebody who loves painting just to see what their effects are on society. So, painter, yeah?

Do you ever feel like you're in a society? That's what they're always asking. How do you feel like being in a society? Well, you know, in society, I just feel like, you know, painting has to be, you know, more accepted because if it's not, then we're in a society that's not accepting things. And then it's like, what kind of society are we in? I sat down to fart with a chef. So here advice. We sat down with a chef that's riddled with tattoos all over their arms.

Because we decided, what's a chef to do in a society? So, chef, society? So, basically, society, here's what it is. So, girls with short hair society. And we wanted to just basically see what it was like, society. And if we didn't, then there's no way i could cook crab cake society he farted then i farted my glasses got bigger and i threw up everywhere and it was normal um anyway dude fucking vice is always exposing shit doesn't need to be exposed you know but it's cool

i guess you know they one time they were like there's a stand-up culture in a garage and they interviewed these guys doing stand-up in a fucking garage hey it's nothing hey get out and park cars there the underground culture of stand-ups not being accepted got in the club dude they don't feel accepted so they started stand up in a garage dude and everyone there were like chairs set up in the garage where the car should be and everyone laughs everyone fucking everyone outside of comedy clubs that do stand up outside of comedy clubs everyone laughs like this like they're fucking vince vaughn on riddlin dude get out get in the car

i know so many people are gonna be upset but like whatever dude that shit is hilarious that shit is fucking hilarious dude we caught up with this underground stand up comedy brigade they do stand up in a forest

they have pointy ears cause they're fucking gnomes but they're accepted and everyone laughs like ha ha ha ha ha ha ha i did i did uh what happened i did uh stand up in one of those fucking things once and everyone was laughing like that and i was like dude you're not even really fucking laughing eh whatever you know hey dude honestly do it wherever the fuck look here's the other thing too do it wherever the fuck you want i don't give a shit i'm just making fun of it you know there's stand-up comedy shows in a fucking laundromat you know do it if you get people there and they want to pay and if they feel good paying and they feel like they're supporting and who gives a fuck? Dude, I don't want you to come to my show to support.

I want you to come to my show because you want to laugh. That's what I want. People are like, yeah, you got to support live comedy. Dude, come to laugh. Support somebody with cancer. Come to my show to laugh. But whatever. Whatever makes you feel good at the end of the day whatever makes you feel good dude if you want to do a show for a bunch of fucking guys that sound like vince fawn on fucking paid killers then do it um anyway here at vice we caught up with a fucking turkey with glasses on.

It shits. So, turkey, do you ever feel like shitting in a society? Very cool. Guy with tattoos on his arms. So, we caught up with a bunch of turkeys in Iraq, and they made actually a great point that I... I don't know, man. Dude, you know what? I've been getting a bunch of fucking texts and shit

and people telling me how cuda this is. A lot of times people don't understand what real cuda shit is. They just call people cuda because they don't know what the term is. We coined the term cuda here. It's from Barracuda. And you call people cuda because they don't know what the term is we we coined the term cuda here it's from barracuda and you're a cuda if you do something just because you see it and someone else maybe says it's a good idea and you're like what's that oh cool i'll do it like a barracuda sees a fucking diamond bracelet and then looks at it and says what's that coachella number one

cuda thing here is a super cuda shit okay by the way where's the timer here i don't even see how long we want right there okay um these people there's like a climbing mount everest is like at an all-time high and it's because of fucking instagram because they want to get this picture at the summit at the top of the fucking mountain and people are dying didn't 11 people die this year 11 people died this year too many and it looks like a goddamn traffic jam it looks like it would be in a fucking like fish market in china like how long the line is for people trying to get up to this summit dude it was like a zoo this person says death on an unruly overcrowded everest look at this picture a long line of climbers waiting to summit mount everest on may 22nd

dude this is a nightmare i don't want to be in fucking hawaii in a line like this and they're on a mountain on a high one they can't breathe their lips are chapped they're in fucking north Face gear. At least they're keeping warm. In their North Face gear. But dude, they've got packs on their backs. They got packs on the backs. And then they're like getting their cameras.

Look at these bitch asses with their cameras ready. Just almost dying. Look at this. Hi, mom, love you. And that was the last note his mom ever seen. You can't tell if it's a man or woman because he's covered up so much because it's way too cold. And if he takes anything off or she takes anything off,

she or he will immediately get frostbite and die. Look at this. Go up a little bit. There was just a quote, a little bit more there. I was not prepared to see sick climbers being dragged down the mountain by Sherpas or surreal or the surreal experience of finding dead bodies, he said. Well, really? Hey, I've got it. I've got it. Hey, dude, that's crazy, man. Well, you know what? You're a bonafide fucking idiot. You didn't expect to see sick people or dead bodies at the top of Mount Everest?

Well, dude, this just in, dude, dude, dude, dude, you're a fucking bonehead moron. This just in, you're a bonehead. You didn't expect to see dead bodies where there are dead bodies? Hat. Well, I can't do a fucking drive-by hat because you're on the top of Mount Everest. So how about this? Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Hat. Ah. Ah. Ah. A climb by hat. Dude.

People with photos are... I mean... I don't know. It's fucking whatever it is. People always want the picture. People sometimes want pictures of me. They don't even know who I am. They just saw somebody take a picture with me.

They're like, can I get a picture? I go like this. Who am I? And they go like this. Were you on Entourage? And I go. I go really slowly. No picture for you, to the theme of gangsta's paradise,

what if I was that much of a lunatic, I gotta get there dude, I swear to god I gotta get there, that's my dream, to be like a fucking guy that just, I i didn't like part of me wishes i didn't have a conscious conscious conscience conscience i always fuck that up like on my opener conscience somebody goes like this can i have a picture who am i oh i don't know your name but i think i saw you on picture oodly no picture and I just keep doing that until they get so fucking weird and awkward

and walk away and the I was getting out to get coffee and there was a no tow zone this was today there was no tow there's like a towway zone it was like a towway zone was like you can't park here so i parked there because if there's a parking space i'm gonna fucking sit do it dude it's so annoying when things places are like don't park and you're like why i get it if there's like a whole fucking thing and it's like oh well because then the people can't get out the thing i don't park and you're like why i get it if there's like a whole fucking thing and it's like oh well because then the people can't get out the thing i don't want to block anybody dude there's no

fucking reason for the towway shit so i parked there because i'm a person and i'm in a car and i need to fucking get out so i parked there and then i got into the i got out of my car. And by the way, four cars could fit. And this guy parks in front of me and he says, or whatever the fuck. I don't listen to people when they say something for the first time because who are you and why, you know? Just a random person. Also, I'm not ready.

Get out the car with the girl. And this guy goes, and I say, oh, yeah. And I look at her and I don't know what the fuck he says. And he says, and then he says, or not. And I was like, oh, this motherfucker is getting passive aggressive on me, dude. I don't even know what the fuck he said. And he's getting some or not. Or not, dude.

You know what or not is for? Texting only. Only. And even still, you should just write LOL. Hey, want to go to the baseball game? No text back. Next day, LOL or K. You don't write or not like you're a fucking, you know what I mean?

That's so bitch. But I would maybe do or not on text. But in person, dude? To look at somebody and be like this? Or not? What are you doing? Chew dune. So he fucking goes or not.

And I look over and of course he, he's shorter than me. Nobody who is taller than somebody ever says or not to the person. That's just not how it goes. You are saying or not to somebody. Congratulations. You're shorter than them. There's no fucking way.

If I'm six to the guy who is saying or not to me is six three there's no fucking way so i look over he's five five nine obviously okay and i say oh man sorry i didn't even hear you and he says oh okay and i realized he was saying i rewound it you know how you can do that sometimes you could do the what sometimes you're like what and you didn't hear it but sometimes you're like what and you're like wait a minute don't repeat yourself i could rewind time in my head and hear the shit so i rewound it you can go back like fucking nine seconds maybe at the most or maybe i'm a fucking mutant maybe that's my power i don't know but i rewound it and i realized i i went i went over the fucking sound scan that he did and i rew i went and i turned it into what he said which was

oh you should have you should have he said i realized that oh you should have you you could have moved back and or you could have moved up and we both could have parked there and i was like this guy and i'm in the coffee place and i'm looking at him and he's just in the coffee place like this with his phone because he's picking'm looking at him and he's just in the coffee place like this with his phone because he's picking up for Uber Eats he's just literally in the coffee place like this holding his fucking phone

out like this like it's that fucking new thing Uber or Lyft does where they make your phone screen pink so you can tell when fucking OJork is trying to pick you up by the way in LA if you fucking get an Uber guy when fucking O-Jork is trying to pick you up. By the way, in LA, if you fucking get an Uber guy, his name's O-Jork. I don't give a fuck what you think.

I've never gotten an Uber where the guy's name is an O-Jork. So, like, hey, can I get a Pete? Can I get a...? Can I get a... Hey, Chris. Hey, it's Chris. Hey, are you Chris?

Yeah, you old jerk? Of course. We all are old jerk. So, it's Uber, isn't it? Yeah. Get in. Okay, cool. Getting abducted by some other old jerk.

So, now... I was the wrong old jerk. I'm going to take you in a hut and rape you so then um so anyway uh so i get to the um what the fuck was i talking about oh yeah so then i get out to look at this park job i did right because of Because, of course, I get out after he leaves because he's in a fucking hurry, you know? So I get out after, and I look,

and by the way, dude, fucking no bullshit, where I parked, not even if I had parked the way he said, four other cars could have fit. No bullshit, not an exaggeration. Four other cars could have picked and i said what the fuck is the deal what this guy just wants to complain bro you know it's like this guy's gonna make me do some fucking ads right now that's the thing this guy's gonna make me do some fucking you know what this guy's gonna make me do

without a care in the world. That's what I'm going to do, dude. Oh, you're going to fucking, okay, well guess what, dude?

Oh, you know what? Oh, you could have moved forward. You could have moved forward and, and, and we both could have parked there. Oh really?

Well, how about instead of moving forward, I back up the motherfucking Brinks truck. So, that's how it's going to be. Threw it right in one fire's face. Didn't mean to. That's the way the cookie crumbles, and I'm very sorry. But, you know, I meant to throw it at the fucking camera.

Went right in one fire's goddamn face. And now let me tell you something also. You know, I meant to throw it at the fucking camera. Went right in Juan Fier's goddamn face. And now let me tell you something also. What's super annoying, you know, when people go, how about, dude, when you were like in high school or some shit, or not even high school, but you throw a trash away and you try to fucking make it in the bin, and then they go like this. Wow, and you play basketball, and you miss. Wow, and you play basketball?

It's fucking nothing like it, okay? Case closed. That's it, and I'm not talking about that anymore, and we're not doing that anymore. Nobody does it. You're a fucking straight-up bitch if you do that. If somebody tries to throw something away, and they go, wow, you'd be a terrible basketball player, or, oh, wow, you play basketball? Well, that's weird. You couldn't even make that?

Yo, case closed. We're not talking about it anymore. We're not doing that. And I'm done talking about it. That's it. Case closed. There's rules, my babies. And if you don't think there's rules, you're part of the problem. I just need to get this fucking cult going.

I need to get this cult going, and I need to get this fucking log cabin going. I need fucking builders. I need carpenters, and I need weed whackers. That's for starters. I need people to go down and whack the weeds, find the fucking place where we're going to put it, builders to do it,

and carpenters to lay the shit down. And then after that, I'm going to need some fucking food people and, you know, some fuckers and suckers, dude, because we got to bust nuts when we're at the Lark Cabin, don't you understand? Don't you understand? Juan Fire wrote ads to remind me to do ads i did

the ads ads is still on the fucking tv it's fine it's just a little bit step towards one fire and it's fine but that's how it is i was talking to my friend and she was saying that remember i was talking about house people that live in other people's houses and don't know about they're talking about the five top five scariest stop top five scariest scariest things caught on a gopro camera And I was talking to my friend, and she was saying that she had a friend in Chicago that was on – that was there in the – she moved in, I guess, in the summer. And she kept hearing like rats in the attic and then when it was cold out there was still shuffling around she's like damn i gotta call somebody she's called the called the uh police or somebody or like the fireman or something like something's up there you know some animals up there. They're like animal control or something.

I'm like, well, why don't you try and go up there and look around? She was like, oh, fine. So she put a selfie stick on the – put a phone on the selfie stick to go take the picture. Took a few shots up in the attic and fucking brought the phone down and looked and there was a guy in the attic. Dude. There was a guy. A man in the attic. A guy, a man in the attic.

Yeah, we'll show the picture on the fucking video podcast. We'll maybe blur out the guy's face. Apparently it was just some homeless guy that was like doing his, like the cops came and was like, yeah, no, he does this. Well, how about keep him? Yeah, no, he does this every time we let him out. Oh, really? Keep him. Hold that guy.

Do you have cells? Put him in there. Put him in the attic of the fucking cop place of the prison. I mean, so insane. Just, know what I would do? I mean, so insane. Just. Know what I would do? Squirt shit everywhere if that happened to me. I go like this.

First of all, I go like this to the fucking people. You want me to what? Go up there and snoop around? Hmm. You must have me confused with Jason Statham. What's your second option? This is what I do. They go like this.

Well, maybe you want to go up there and I say, huh, what's your second option? And they say, selfie stick with a cell phone. And I go like this. Convince me. And then they after they convince me for a while ago. OK. And I do it and I take a few pictures. I bring the phone down.

And if I see the picture that the person fucking showed me the other night of the guy in the attic, that's when I release my bowels. That's when I shit all over my Yeezys. I go like this. I go like this. And then I bring the phone down,

look at it, and I say, I got to get new Yeezys. That's what I say immediately. Ah, fuck, I got to get new Yeezys. And then I go, ah, and run out. I don't get scared first. Uh-oh, my Jordans are brown.

Ah, and run away. I go, hey, when you get out of this attic, you're going to have to fucking watch out or you're going to slip. And then I run and I shit all the way down my stairs, down my stairs to the first level and then down to my driveway.

I got shit all in my Aston Martin. That's what I got. My babies. And I drive all the way to the police station, and I shit all over there. Vice did a thing about... Today, we sit down with an incel. Have you ever heard about these incels? Have you heard about incels? Have you heard about incels? Dude, these guys are

like guys that, like, don't, they think, I don't even, like they don't have, they don't get chicks. Number one. Involuntary celibacy it stands for. And incels, I just, there's this article here that came up. So incels are involuntary celibates. So they don't have sex and they want to. And let me just tell you something because I was reading this article on the cut. How many bones would you break to get laid

incels are going under the knife to reshape their faces and their dating prospects so butters shut the fuck up butters you're an incel so they basically are like they think they're not like good looking or

something or they're like, you know, depressed and in their 20s or not. And they could be older. But they just can't get laid. And there's a community online for them. And they all like they bash women a lot. Right. And they talk shit about how women don't women. You know, a lot of a lot right and they talk shit about how women don't women you know a lot of a lot of

them i don't know if some of them do but a lot of the stuff i read has been like oh yeah because women are whores and they take selfies because they one they take selfies because they say shit like they they take selfies because they have a clit and they don't and it's not big enough to penetrate someone so they can't feel confident because they don't penetrate someone else so they result in getting attention by taking fucking horror pics on on instagram and posting them now what i have to say is that is a sir backwards and your dad died early cayenne cell guy it's all good your your mom died early so um so what they're saying is there are these guys called they call them chads which is fucking hilarious incels good job on calling them chads um that they like these guys like the girls like these chads because they have like square jaws

and they're just cool looking and they have confidence and we don't have confidence they're saying part of it's kind of sad um also just a lot of these guys you could just be like yo go outside though you know these guys are just behind the um computer not getting laid i to get laid behind the computer, bro. So some of these guys, I guess, look in the quote here, incels have this idea of an ideal Superman and this guy is one who does that crazy stuff, I guess, I don't know.

Oh, the doctor, I guess, that they're trying to make him look. Here. Oh, this is the... Oh, the Elliot Rodger guy was an incel. The guy who killed all the... I think who... it says here, incel named Elliot Roger who called himself a supreme gentleman. I mean, anyone who calls himself a supreme gentleman,

you got to watch out for it, I'll say that much. Wrote in a manifesto that the world had failed to provide the beautiful girlfriend I know and deserve so many problems before he killed six people and injured 14 in a shooting spree in isla vista california sorority house yeah in the past decade seven mass killings have been attributed to incels or adjacent online misogynists yeah um yeah anyway it's fucked up obviously because changing your jaw size isn't going to get you laid go outside and i know it's something people have like no confidence but you got to just have you got to just try if you don't try i mean what the fuck do i know i'm probably a chat according

to these guys but you got to just put you literally, I remember the first time I was going to do stand up, I was like, there's no way I'm going to be able to get on stage. And I just thought, okay, let's break it down to my physical body. If I just take, if I just move one foot in front of my body and then keep moving the opposite foot in front of the opposite foot in front of the opposite foot over into the direction of the stage then i'll be on stage and then i will have been on stage and i have done the first step and then i will have to start talking and if i don't then oh well i fucking i tried at least you try break it down to your physical body dude these guys and you might be a Chad deep down. You don't know. I was looking at this one forum and this one guy was like, yeah, what is it with a lot of these girls?

They like guys who... Oh, he's like, I have to start listening to rap music because a lot of Chads listen to rap music and I just don't like it. It's monotonous to me. And I know that a lot of theseads listen to rap music and i just don't like it it's monotonous to me and i know that a lot of these these girls like guys who like rap music because these guys will post inane rap lyrics on facebook and these girls will fall all over them and and he's like is there any way i could start listening to rap do you guys under do you guys can you like guide me into like

beginner rap listening? And I was just like, what the fuck, dude? What? Listening to music doesn't require steps, first of all. Second of all, just because you listen to Lil Yachty doesn't mean your dick's going to get wet. Imagine if it was that easy these incels make it seem so hard and so easy to get laid at the same time it's neither

it's just fucking case by case dude some of these guys are not even bad looking they're really not some of them are like fucking heroin chic motherfuckers that could probably be a like a a gucci model i mean it's not

it's like this shit they think it's gonna be like this damn little yadi huh damn little yadi looks like he has a red tarantula on his head doesn't he what's he doing dude when i look at little yadi's's head, I think, man, I want candy. Anyway, yeah, so watch out for them incels, man. The internet's such a weird fucking thing. There's a fucking online. There's a fucking girl on Instagram. I'm stretching, dude.

I don't give a fuck. You got to stretch sometimes. There's a girl on Instagram that's got 1.6 million followers and just talks about her day. And she's digital. She dreams in digital. What's that song, dude? What's that song dude what's that song dude one time i was uh i was in my 20s and i was i was a roommate with these other with this guy and his sister and i was room i was with them and i and i heard that song and all day i was going she dreams in digital and they were

like shut the fuck up dude i was almost been annoying that was before I did stand up oh yeah the band's name is orgy wow dude band's name is orgy they really went with it huh let's play a little bit of that song this is what we do baby is that even how it goes it It's probably so different. I thought I remembered it. It's probably so different. Wow. So, S90s. S90s. Yep, there it is. Wow. She dreams in digital. Anyway, thanks, Orgy, for that song in the world. Wow. She dreams in digital. Anyway.

Thanks, Orgy, for that song in the world. And so this girl is digital. She's a fake chick that somebody just creates. And she's called Lil Mikaela. Sounds like it could be a fucking SoundCloud rapper. Anyway, this fucking chick is a fake girl that somebody created and it has the same amount

of followers as I have. What the fuck, dude? I work hard. I tour the country. I come out with content. And this fucking chick is just fake with a fake hat and people follow her look at this shit she's by a pool

in a bathing suit holding a hat and she says I have so many things I'm supposed to be doing right now but I'm not doing any of it and wishing I was sitting at this pool instead no hey you don't have anything you're supposed to be doing you're not real and somebody wrote rule breaker

she's not a fucking rule breaker, dude. She doesn't fucking break or follow rules. You know why? She dreams in digital. That's why dude that's fucking why that's why she's not breaking rules i mean dude here's a let me look at some of our other posts by the way I mean, dude, here's... Let me look at some of our other posts, by the way.

Can't find it. Can't find it. Pissed, pissed, pissed beyond all belief. Can't find it. Can't find it. Oh, dude. Where is it? What is it? Oh, I went to... That's because I went out of it

lil mckayla uh here we go lil me kayla instagram clicking on it here's the fucking things here let's just go to the last one for my cover shoot nobody shot shit here's another one here think I'm ready to let my hair down again maybe you know

what what dude You know what? What, dude? No. I don't even know what to say to this shit, honestly. Look at this one here. Things to celebrate the House Passing Equality Act. Okay, well, that's fine, but you're still fake. Here's one where there's another digital thing of...

What's that? Habib? Hadid? Bella Hadid or Habib? What the fuck's her name? Whatever. I am here. This is my truth, she writes.

And she's with Bella Hadid or whatever her fucking name is. And somebody writes, You're a lesbian? I'm shook. No. is and somebody writes, you're a lesbian? I'm shook. What? No. Let me just look at this person's profile who says you're a lesbian. I'm shook.

She's not a lesbian. Know why? Not purse. She's digital. Dude, how is she a lesbian when she dreams in digital? It's so annoying when somebody thinks it's a fucking lesbian or somebody thinks that they could let their hand in with it.

She dreams in digital. You want to go, let's do fucking fucking Craigslist ads. Craigslist misconnections. Here we go. Where are we doing it?

Carlsbad? San Diego. You didn't mean to send it to me? Well, he did, and I'm pissed. Here we go. You were picking up Rubio's to go in Carlsbad. Oh, Rubio's to go in Carlsbad. You were an attractive black guy with athletic clothes on grabbing food to go at Rubio's on El Camino Real.

I was the tall blonde getting salsa. That's somehow the grossest one I've ever read. Just some fucking tall chick scooping up salsa, looking at some fucking athletic, some black guy in Adidas. Do not contact me once. Listen to services or offers. Yeah, it's pretty specific.

Dude, that's so funny because like she thinks that maybe he would have been like, oh, yeah, I saw this girl getting salsa. Like just guys don't notice that the girl's getting salsa if he's attracted to her, you know. Just say saw you at Rubio's. Any guy at Rubio's would be like, oh, it's probably me. Oh, it's probably me. Yeah, I was getting salsa. Oh, I don't give a fuck. You have a pussy.

I was getting salsa, though. Oh, the one with the tits. Yeah, no, I was near the guacamole. Oh, you got mouth and stuff. Let's do another one this is the most confusing one ever it's four words long the title is two words lasting batteries okay the body is very bored okay did not contact me on solicitors well what's the fucking solicited offer what's the fucking what do you mean do not contact me with unsolicited offers you're bored well what's the fucking thing you're supposed to get solicited with

think before you get on craigslist list in san diego aka the worst fucking place of all time i'd rather get run over by a fucking zamboni than be in san diego here's another one asian woman not sure eh seh racist you were dancing with your kids, son and daughter, in the garage. Creep. You seem like someone fun to hang out with. I left early, but hope you see this and say hi. What do you mean left early? You shouldn't have been there, period.

Hey, I meant to creep on you for longer, but I had to go. I was scheduled to fucking look at someone else in the garage. I was scheduled to watch, I think, some fucking Middle Eastern lady maybe shower through a curtain. I was booked. I was busy. I left early sorry I can only stay 45 minutes

watch you dancing with your sons in the garage wow dude this guy fucking dreams of this you oh man all these fucking ones take place at the worst fucking establishments dude this one Del yet del taco dude del taco

fucking sucks have you ever been to del taco holy shit it's like eating a wall dude del taco del tacos tacos they taste like a prolapsed anus. Dude, if you eat, by the way, burgers, burgers at Del Taco, let me tell you something right now, burgers at Del Taco, no bullshit, burgers at Del Taco, no bullshit,

burgers at Del Taco, if you put a burger in your mouth, at burgers in your mouth at Del Taco? If you put a burger in your mouth? At burgers in your mouth at Del Taco? And you just start chomping. You go like this. You eat one. You go like this. And you just go like this.

What the fuck? And then if you eat a fucking taco from Del Taco, I'll tell you right now, it tastes like fucking shit. The tacos in Del Tacos? Hey, dude, fucking, you're Del Taco. It says taco. Have the tacos be good. But they're not, dude. And I used to go at least once a week in the valley

to get the fucking burgers when I was a kid and I would eat that trash fast food. And it was my idea. One Fire is reminding me that we used to go and yes, I used to go get it and I used to eat it, but only the fucking burgers. Del Taco.

But not the tacos. Only burgers. Only burgers. Del Taco. But not the tacos! Only burgers! Dude, have you ever been with a fucking person who doesn't get a cheeseburger and gets a hamburger? Get out of here.

I swear to God. Are you fucking, are you a communist? Are you a lunatic? If somebody doesn't get cheese on their burger... By the way, it's a cheeseburger. Don't even call it a cheeseburger. If you get a burger, the cheese is coming, baby. You've got to not order the cheese.

If I say, yeah, I like a hamburger, and you don't bring cheese, I'm out this bitch, dude. I ain't got no motherfucking... And I'm going to fucking Ralph's or ShopRite and getting cheese and fucking eating it all day long. Just as a fucking diss. We eating cheese. Wow.

This is the worst podcast I've ever done in my life. But it's all good, dude. It's so crass. So crass. So insecure how he says yeah. Yeah. Is there any more morons insecure than Darryl for real?

He's 4'2". He sits on Akon's shoulders and they're fucking a full person. So many people in the house. So many people shouting out. It's already been a minute. So many places. Oh, so many places. Yeah, I'll say. They call me as my favorite when rappers do that. You made the name. Okay, it's been over a minute. What?

That's the question? I didn't know he said the n-word because because i i would just hear the i would just hear the um the radio edit and the and i would he goes let's take him to war and i was like yeah that's cool and then when i heard him say the n-word in the real version i was like oh i was like the fucking the weebay meme oh you ever see that meme uh-oh anyway is that it or what dude let's take in the wall fucking dork okay dude what if I fucking

got in a fight with Ja Rule for real I'd have to fucking he'd beat the shit out of me I hope alright I'm done dude this is it man we did it thank you that was a good that was a fun one and download the Crystalia app you can listen

to the app. You can fucking, you know, hear the story. You can fucking download the app and you can hear the podcast and watch the podcast before anybody else sees it or hears it live. And there's merch at the Crystalia store, crystalia.com. The restock is continuous. Keep a look out. And subscribe to the YouTube channel. The restock is continuous. Keep a look out. And subscribe to the YouTube channel. The podcast was a little late this week, and thank you.

I won't miss a week, but it was a little late, and I wanted you guys to understand that I was a busy guy, okay? Because I got a special thing coming for you guys. Anyway, thanks for listening. Please comment and subscribe and share this, dude. We got to get the log cabin going. We need more builders. So everybody who listens to this podcast, go tell one of your friends or a stranger to listen to the podcast.

Thank you.