Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 123. Kings Splurt Early

Episode Date: June 3, 2019

On today's show, Chris reviews Russian cuisine. Also discussed: Olympic events, Croatians, posture, working out, British accents in Chernobyl, and Armenians. We do MFUIPOTW & name an Elder! Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, into episode 125. I'm live on my app here. 123, sorry. I meant this. Don't know why I said 125. To be brutally honest with you guys, I actually stopped thinking of the number in the middle of the number.

That's how fucking ADHD I am. I was literally like 120 and then thought, and then just said five for no reason. So that's where I'm at today monday uh some date and in 2019 but i'm literally 95 sure it's 2019 because i haven't thought about what year or month or date it is since i got out of fucking high school it It might, it could be a new day. It could be fucking Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

It could be, you know, some new day they made up, Porter Day. I have no idea that they made it even. Fucking Bond Day, like those fucking Instagram homies do. So, yeah, it could be a new day that they made up for all I fucking know, for all intensive purposes, for all intents and purposes.

People fuck that up all the time. But it's episode 123. I'm live on my app. You can go into the app store and get it. Just type that motherfucker in and you figure it out. And you figure it out. And you figure it out. And you just download it.

People always are like, how do I do it? What do I do? Just do it. Just do it. Just fucking do it, pretty much. I have that Fofty, please, Fofty, no more shirt or whatever. I put it on my Instagram. And people are like, oh, dude, you need to release this.

How do I get this? How do I get this? Type it in. Type it into the fucking browser. And you'll find out that 50 Cent sells this shirt okay and why does he sell the shirt well because but uh i have shows coming up in hoover alabama memphis tennessee chattanooga tennessee and knoxville and it and it's e and knoxville and it's dude. We're doing a thing where I'm stop. I'm forgetting.

I'm just bowing out in the middle of words. The more, so I woke up today, real groggy, not going to lie to my babies. All right. I woke up real groggy bags under my eyes. Luckily they're Prada.

Okay. But I've got bags under my eyes and I'm not lying. You can get a surgery to get the bags removed under your eyes and I've always been against surgery but I should do it. Because it would take years off of my look.

Now, I'm a fucking spring chicken, dude. I'm 39. Dude, I'm not even 40. Okay? And, I mean, spring chicken dude i'm 39 dude i'm not even 40 okay and i mean i'm busting out of my shirt i mean yeah my left my legs look like fucking my shoes look like olives on toothpicks but still dude busting you understand traps delts fucking you name it chest abs i swear to god one time i looked really closely to my eyes there was a little guy skiing down i didn't even know they made people that little but they did jesus made a fucking guy that little and he was skiing down my abs and i

just let him go right down to my dick um and then just did one of those fucking long jumps off the dick you know how they do he went down some moguls off of my fucking abs my little fucking hawaiian dinner rolls and then fucking boom went down sloped off the shaft of fucking life i'm leading uh and then uh but that's it now one fire just played something off his computer it went loud off the speakers one fire and that is why he's one fire and that's fine well is it fine yes that bags under my eyes yes would i have to check them at the airport yes could i put them in the overhead bin no would they make me tag them while i fucking before i put them into the airplane yes is okay yes doesn't matter i do comedy doesn't really matter okay but it's all good how about the fucking long jump in skiing though for real like what are you doing

that's some shit that should have just stopped in the 50s when they were like this is exciting do you see you jump so long and it's so far some of these fucking olympics events it's like what hey what the luge hey dude any event that you can literally clip your nails while you're doing it, take it out of the Olympics. Also, shot put, just throwing a ball. Make it more intricate. Hey, dude. Oh, shot put? Oh, but you know what?

There's a basketball. Hey, fucking, what's the one the javelin oh really there's football guy just running so bitch too because he's always hopping you know oh it's so funny how they hop so bitch they throw that shit though that's fucking who cares you know i love how people are like oh i love the olympics when the olympics come out nobody here's how you know people don't give a fuck about the olympics for real nobody talks about the olympics when the olympics aren't happening that's how you know and people are like no i just love to i love it i love to watch one fire fucking pretends to love it dude

he fucking and and and when there's you never hear about it when people aren't swimming or throwing fucking ice picks you never think about it nobody ever aren't swimming or throwing fucking ice picks. You never think about it. Nobody ever talks about it unless somebody's got their fucking shot put like this, like they're trying to get service in the jungle, and fucking twisting around and then throwing it. People talk about basketball all year long. People talk about baseball all year long.

People talk about football all year long. You know what people don't talk about all year long. People talk about baseball all year long. People talk about football all year long. You know what people don't talk about all year long? The fucking pommel horse. Or whatever the hell it's called. Guys just swinging around. Swinging around. You know that when they do the pommel horse, you know they're going... They're going...

Also, what are you wearing? PJs? Hey, dude, why are you in footies? You fucking 28-year-old. Shoulders for days, though, dude. Talk about a shoulder workout. If you do the pommel horse if you do the fucking rings you could literally you could literally rip apart people's fucking face you go in their mouth and just rip it open and and they go like no and you got traps that's what you say look at these videos there's one video youtube top my top

seven favorite ring gymnastic rings fucking videos hey man wow that's a fan oh dude nobody fucks asians dude rings you know why asians because their legs are fucking four four pounds look at the way they do it, dude. To be able to just hold the rings like that, dude. I mean, how do they do this shit? Unbelievable. I got to get good at that. If you can do the rings.

God. That's so funny that you can be so fit and be so awesome at the rings but probably still get no chicks you know because you're like he does what girl wants to be like oh yeah what's your boyfriend do oh you want he does the rings what he's a jeweler no you know those fucking two handlebar rings that fucking come down from the heavens, why are they always so tethered so high? Like, you could literally have a fucking ribbon that big. It could be a foot. I guess they got to go high, so they could be six feet.

But they're always coming from the heavens. Dude, they're always coming from 500 feet up. Jesus is up there holding the fucking ribbons like this. Well, the Asian will do what he'll do. That's what Jesus is thinking. It's so Croatian to be good at the rings. Dude, it's so Croatian to be good at the rings. Dude, you know what?

It's so Croatian to be fucking living so rings. Dude, you know what? It's so Croatian to be fucking living so hard to do the Olympics, dude. To be fucking... They talk about... You know who talks about the Olympics all year fucking long? Croatians, dude. Oh, shit, dude. Every day, Croatians

in Croatia say, well, theics are coming up you know so oh fuck dude wow that makes me laugh dude thinking about croatians loving the fucking olympics i i i did the fucking uh i did a personal trainer i i worked i worked in a with a personal trainer the other day to to because i wanted to make sure I was doing everything right with my squats because I got fucking – because they literally start calling me Johnny Hipscry at the fucking gym because of my fucking – the teardrops above my kneecaps. And so somebody goes, Johnny Hipscry. I'm like, what, dude? Come on, man. And they're like, well, your fucking legs are – what the fuck?

I thought maybe a horse was galloping by and i go no no no it's me so i just making sure that when i fucking load the bar up on my back that i was dipping correctly turns out i'm dipping correctly do you know why because i have good posture i have really good posture. And I know that. Sometimes my posture is too much the other way. Sometimes my posture is so good, the back of my head is fucking perpendicular with the ground. And I'm looking up to the heavens. I'm trying to look where the rings are attached. But, yeah.

And then people are like, why is your posture so good? It looks like you're facing the sky. And I always say, because I always want to see what Jesus is up to because I'm very religious. And so – but I have really good posture. And the reason why I have really good posture is because my dad would always be like, hey, stand up straight. He'd always be like, hey, and hit me on the back of the head really lightly, not child abuse, and, hey, stand up straight. He'd always be like, hey, and hit me on the back of the head really lightly, not child abuse,

and be like, stand up straight. And I'd be like, what? Okay. So now I fucking look like, I walk around like I'm in a Marvel movie, dude, because you have to, dude. That's who you are. And it's a vulnerable position too. People are like, oh,

you're trying to fucking be alpha. No, I'm not. I go like this. Here's my chest, man. man stab me if you need i'm vulnerable baby this is life stab me in the front it's a vulnerable position dude walking around like this you walk around like this not vulnerable you walk around like this that's when you're in that's when you're insecure dude dude. You're meek. Walk around with your fucking chest out, let people stab you if they want, and then look at them in their eyes

and say, I hope you enjoyed this. It's life, baby. Anyway, I did it, and I have good form, apparently, the guy said, so that makes me feel good. Now, do I still have back problems? Yes. Is it from getting older? Yes. Am I not even 40 yet? Yes. now do i still have back problems yes is it from getting older yes am i not even 40 yet yes but do i have lower back pain yes is because i have a fracture because i fell when i was younger yes did i have to go to the doctor seven times to figure out what

it was until the actual doctor that was really good at it came in and told me what it was because he looked at the x-ray and this is what he's obsessed about in his life yes did it cost me money a little bit because i I have insurance? Yes. Is America fucked up when it comes to insurance and when it comes to medical stuff? Yes. Is it okay though because I'm in a fortunate position because I make money? Yes.

Is that bad for everybody? Yes. Am I going to do anything about it? No. Am I too lazy to even look it up and Google it and fucking figure out something to do yes so anyway um so anyway dude uh I I fucking did it and I basically did all the the I basically did all the uh the workouts that I kind of do already but for some reason when you do it with a personal trainer you're gonna be fucking so much more sore the next day i mean he was like so you know he's a buddy of mine he comes to my show sometimes and he was like so uh

yeah his name is rocco and he was like so by the way of course his name is Rocco. And he was like, so, by the way, of course, his name is Rocco. Fucking personal trainer named Rocco. So he's like, so, you got to go. He's like, he basically told me, you know, when you're lifting weights, you think of the powerful move as, you know, if you're doing chest, pushing out. Or if you're squatting, pushing up. But there's this whole thing where if you go controlled down and then explode up and you control yourself going down

for like four seconds and then explode up, that you'll get more of a foundation and all your fucking muscles that you don't normally use will get really stronger, really a lot stronger, really stronger secretion. And so I did that and then the next day I was walking around like somebody fucked my ass. Uh,

uh, anyway, I was real sore, but is it all good? My babies? Yeah. Is it good now? Yes.

Did I use the Theragun to try and make it work and, and, and, and even out my soreness? Yes. Um, so anyway, uh, I did that and I was real sore and it's all good and it's fine dude but i'm not an olympian i realized that i'm 39 dude and like the last i'm just like i always think about when

my dad i would say dad do you get nervous around cops and he said no not really anymore and i said what do you mean not anymore and he said because I'm older than most of them. And I was like, wow, that's interesting. I always thought about that when I was a little kid. I was like, I'm younger than most cops. Pretty soon I'm going to be older than most cops. Now, I don't think I'm probably older than most cops now. Maybe I am.

But I think about that. I relate it to like fucking activity shit. Like I'm never going to be stronger than I was. I mean, maybe I will be stronger, but I'm never going to be able to be capable of being stronger than I was. I mean, maybe I will be stronger, but I'm never going to be able to be capable of being stronger than I was when I was like 27. Wow. What's it matter?

We have computers. Right? It doesn't matter. We have computers. We don't live a gladiator life anymore. We live with fucking beauties. We live with beauties, babies. So I'm never going to be an Olympian, and that's fine because I never wanted to be because, you know, I would never.

But, dude, if I was an Olympian, holy fucking shit, I'd get fired immediately. They'd be like, you got to go back to Croatia, bro. You're fucking it up. You're making people laugh when they're on the high beams and they break their fucking ankles. You don't want to wear the outfit. And I'm like, they're footies, dude. Sports are insane, dude.

Sports make people insane. Did you see the thing about on Twitter with the girl, the soccer girl, was like, we should get paid equal as fucking men's soccer players. Yeah. Oh, I mean, I'm all for that. You got to get more people to sit in the seats. I'm all for that.

However, you got to get people to care. You know, isn't that how it is? Isn't it a fucking supply and demand thing? I mean, I could fucking sell candy. If nobody's buying it, nobody's buying it. Then I got lots of candy. You're in a position, soccer girl, where you got lots of candy. You got bags full of candy.

And guess what? Only some people want that candy and you're saying hey this sucks this other guy's got candy and he's selling it all that's not fair okay that's as far as that goes you know how far it goes it goes this far. Okay? That's it. You're mad because you can't sell your candy. Life's not fair. If I made a whole bunch of chairs and nobody wanted

the chairs, or only some people wanted the chairs, now granted the people who watch, I don't know. I don't know i don't know i i don't i know nothing about sports but what i do know is you get the money you're worth for the most of for the most of i mean there's definitely some situations where you know maybe women get underpaid and shit like that, but soccer isn't one of them because you can just, if you're a star, you get paid. Right?

If you're as big as David Beckham, then fucking, they would pay you David Beckham money. Whatever. Who fucking knows also get the endorsements man that's the fucking real money isn't it fucking do an ad for snickers dude doing that for snickers doing that for fucking living spaces. When I'm not on the field kicking balls, I'm kicking it at home. Living spaces. You ever buy some furniture from living spaces, bro? That shit will last. That shit's, by the way, that shit, Ikea, does it last?

No. Living spaces, I feel like they make it, I feel like still got shit in chernobyl and it's all good have you been watching uh chernobyl there's one more episode left miniseries and i'm hooked on it dude and it's really good really good it's it's there's it's sometimes it's a little you're like wow it's a little much with the realism it's a little, you're like, wow, it's a little much with the realism. It's like, okay, I'm not watching a documentary, right? You don't need to show a guy I'm literally looking at a guy and he's only teeth and eyeballs. But it's so

good. And it's so gray. The only color in it is gray. And nobody's talking in Russian accents, which is super weird to me. Here's the thing. I love the show. It's great,

and now I'm going to make fun of it. I heard the guy, the creator, the writer talking about it. He was like, well, we chose not to do a Russian accent because a Russian accent can be really comical if you're not careful, and it's like, no. A Russian accent is only comical if you're not careful. And it's like, no.

A Russian accent is only comical if you make it comical. Dude, if you put Russian accent, these guys' faces were falling off and shit in the documentary. And you're like, oh, no. They're shooting the animals because they're radioactive. And you're like, oh, no. You think because someone's like, you have to shoot the animal, we're going to be like, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha're gonna be like no so they're not talking here's the other thing too if you're gonna abandon them talking in russian accents first of all have them speak russian and make it subtitles if you were going for realism

all right if you're not doing that you have them speak the russian accents if you're not doing that then just have them just be their regular accent or american or whatever the fuck this is an american show right so but they're not some of the guys are fucking irish some of the guys are swedish some of the guys are fucking literally british it it makes me it takes me out of it for sure when they're like when it's like in Russia and he's like what we gonna do everyone's faces are falling off comrade what

he's like aye that guy's literally blood and bones comrade you're like what oh the guy's got a fucking third arm growing out of his fucking forehead, comrade. Ah, I just saw a dog with no snout and an extra dick on his ass, comrade.

What are we going to do? What are we going to gonna do? What we gonna fucking do? What's Russian food? I mean, how bad is Russian food that I don't even know one Russian food? For real. What are traditional Russian foods? Oh, Jesus. Oh, borscht, of course.

This is how you know Russian food sucks, dude. Third one down, sweet and sour cabbage. Look at this. Beef stroganoff. Those are the two I know. That's it. Borscht and beef stroganoff. Look at what goes from the down.

After that, what goes down. Sweet and sour cabbage. Least I know what it is. Then from then on, what goes down. Sweet and sour cabbage. Least I know what it is. Then from then on, it's just you fucking figure it out. Right here. Soyanka soup. I feel like that has like literal screws in it. Like bolts.

And you're like, what the fuck? And they're just like, eat up. It's good for you. You eat, you get strong. You eat the fucking bolts. Go in your body. Become part of you get strong. You eat the fucking bolts. Go in your body, become part of you. Eat now. Here's another one.

Goloptsy. Goloptsy. Literally nothing else. Just, who knows? Could be fucking goat dicks. Have no idea. It literally could be goat dicks and dirt. Eat up, Golopski.

Golopsi. What is it? Goat dick and dirt eat it. With the Ksolianka soup, you'd be big and strong. You have goat dick and bolts in you. Olivier. Olivier. Olivier is another one.

Blini. I think I've heard of that. Potato okroshka. Okroshka. Potato okroshka. Wow, that's some real fucking sounding food. Beef stroganoff, dude. My roommate used to make beef stroganoff and I used to be like ew dude looks like someone took a shit on a place a plate of pasta beef stroganoff aka dump on pasta evacuation pasta um let me go through some of these fucking things after the first ad i'm gonna do the ad right now because I feel like fucking backing it up, dude. But I'll talk to you about this fucking borscht. Sweet and sour cabbage. That's the only thing that, by the way, looks kind of

good, the Russian food. Cabbage cooked in red wine vinegar, applesauce, butter, and onions. I don't know about all that. Diced apples, sugar, Bailey.iley yeah it's really sweet sounds like solyanka soup hearty soup made from thick chunks of beef and pork cooked that looks banging actually garlic dude you put garlic on something it's over i'll eat it all i i swear to god put clothing put fucking garlic all over your dick i'll eat it i don I swear to God. Put fucking garlic all over your dick. I'll eat it. I don't give a shit. Have clothes for your balls.

I'm in. I'm in, dude. Look at this. Golubtsy. This looks terrible. Shredded or minced beef wrapped in cabbage. What's up with cabbage, dude? Russia.

They're just like, we have it, put it in everything. That's gross. Ew, Russians like to add some sour cream on top. Ew, look at this shit. Ew, olivi. Olivi? Potatoes, pickles, bologna, eggs. I mean, just all of it and carrots swimming in a bowl of mayo.

I don't like when people use words that shouldn't be in the description like swimming. No, they're not fucking doing laps, dude. Potatoes, pickles, bologna, eggs, and carrots. Bubble gum, Rice Krispie treats, water, and fucking Castrolrol gt swimming in a bowl of mayo what does it taste like is the most quintessential of all russian salads every cook has his own recipe and it's staple for every russian blini thin crepe like pancakes made from unleavened dough yeah okay that looks fine oh wow potato ok okroshka that looks horrible oh a cold soup hey by the way soup hot fuck this gazpacho shit fuck any cold soup dude soup cold should be a drink Anything cold I'm putting in my mouth and it's liquid, it's a drink.

I'm drinking it. Soup, cold soup, you're lazy, dude. Heat it up. Put it in a fucking microwave. It doesn't taste good like that? Then don't make it. Okroshka. A cold soup made from buttermilk.

Gross. Potatoes and onions. Gross. Garnished with dill. Gross. They should call this potato breath be bad. They should call this potato coming out the other end smelling better. Hey, hey, potato.

Oh, of course. Hey guy hey wow this smells like fucking awful donkey balls how do we make it smell better eat it and shit it out oh okay bro funniest tweet ever damon waynes jr funniest tweet ever laughed so hard he said man uh boy this is the best use of twitter ever i've tried to find this tweet again later can't find it it doesn't exist anymore dude maybe he deleted it i fucking text him after this bro i laughed so hard i cried the funniest tweet i ever heard he wrote he wrote

um hey first of all his bio is hilarious. Real men shit standing up. Dude, he wrote this tweet. He said, man, when you're hungry, everything smells good. And then he put in quotes. Hey, Ma, what do you cook? Oh, wait, no, no, no, no. Sorry, I fucked it up. He wrote, when you're hungry, everything smells good.

Oh, here it is. Here it is. Wow, one fire found it. One higher, when you're hungry, everything smells good. Oh, here it is. Here it is. Wow, one fire found it. One higher. Okay, he writes, you know what? You know you're hungry when everything starts to smell good. And then in quotes, he writes, mmm, is that doo-doo? And then I wrote, I'm dying. Wow, this is in 2015. I'm fucking dying. You just wrote that. Holy shit, I'm dying.

Wow, this is in 2015. I'm fucking dying. You just wrote that. Holy shit, I'm laughing so hard. Real, for real, top 10 tweets ever. He wrote, LMAO, my name is Damon,

and I'm five. Oh, that guy makes me laugh, bro. Damon Wayans Jr. is so fucking funny. Dude, he makes me laugh. I want to be in a fucking show with that guy. I feel like we would fucking... I feel like we would be funny together. Is that doo-doo?

Dude, so overboard. Oh, man. That's the best usage of Twitter. All right, here we go. Oh, man. That's the best usage of Twitter. All right, here we go. Oh, here's another one. Knish. Knish? You just pronounce the K?

Knish. What is it? Mashed potatoes, ground beef, onions, and cheese filled inside thick dough, pastry, and deep fried. I mean, they just designed that to try and be the best pasting possible thing ever. pastry and deep fried. I mean, they just designed that to try and be the best pasting possible thing ever. King

Kali. Dumplings of ground beef and cilantro. Dude, I love cilantro, bro. I'll eat it like a snack. Some people think it tastes like soap, I think. I mean, how many fucking, it's like the top, how many top

17, 18? Choc Choc? Didn't try with the name. Deep fried balls or little logs of unleavened dough. I mean, trying to make it sound so bad. Choc Choc. So these are deep fried balls or little logs. Enjoy.

Enjoy. I love comments dude look at this idiot kinkali and kachipuri are georgian food not fucking russian okay well russia was definitely around before was it around before georgia probably right well how long How old is Russia? Anyway, enough of that. Why am I talking about fucking Russian food? Because nobody talks about it. Guy came up to me at Starbucks today and he was like,

Hey, man. First of all, I was at Starbucks because I needed to fucking, I needed to taste what it tastes like on the inside of a fucking cat back of a cow's mouth um god starbucks fucking sucks but it was this closest that's how they get you dude there's a fucking i went into a starbucks once and i was like what's this store and i walked into it and there was another starbucks and they're like hey what's up you need coffee and i was like i just came in from the starbucks and i'm like yeah yeah we got starbucks in here too okay um i feel like seriously though in chernobyl there's still a functioning Starbucks.

And people with fucking arms coming out of their back walk in. They'll be like, who are you here for? Yeah, there's one guy that comes in. I don't know if he's 6 or 75, but he comes in here and gets coffee, and then we also have a few stray dogs and ladybugs that we serve to. Yeah. then we also have a few stray dogs and ladybugs that we serve to um yeah oh does it still taste like the back of a cow's mouth yeah uh so this guy came up to me and he had a hat that said for real cheeseburger on it okay take it off make a fire put the hat in the fire walk around like that without that hat i'm just doing you a favor and he said hey man chris dahlia and i said delia yeah what's up and he said oh sorry man i said, it's okay. He said, oh, man, I really want to be – really enjoy your – I'm a fan.

So do you need like a runner or an intern or anything like that? And I was like, I'm a comedian. I don't really do shit except stand-up. He's like, oh, okay, cool. I said, you're trying to get into the business? And he said, yeah, basically he's a sound technician. I was like, hey, man, what the fuck are you talking about? You got a cheeseburger hat on, first of all,

and you're coming up to me asking if I, the comedian, by profession, needs a fucking intern, and you want to be a sound technician? I mean, I guess maybe he's talking about the podcast but i don't think it was anyway he was like he was like yeah uh if you know anything you know about venues that need anything and i was like oh you got to call the venues obviously people are so fucking weird. Huh?

Anyway. Anyway, that guy walked away from me without a job because I didn't have anything to give it to him. Give it to him. I'm going to go do personal training today too, dude. I'm going to do my back. You know why? Because I need it to look do personal training today too, dude. I'm going to do my back. You know why? Because I need it to look like a fucking goddamn mountain.

I had an itch the other day. Fucking, I was itching my back. And I was like, what the fuck is causing this? And I had to look in the mirror. And I looked. And there was a fucking Sherpa set up with a fucking tent. And he was cooking over rocks and flames. And I was like, oh, goddammit, they started building a fucking campsite on my back.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I go like, what the fuck is that? I start itching. I'm like, goddammit, what is that? And I look and there were a bunch of fucking horses, dude, galloping. And I look closer and I was like, what it what is that i look there were a bunch of fucking horses dude galloping and i looked closer i was like what the fuck is that greenery it was really beautiful anyway it sucks that i have that on my fucking back now because it's so goddamn rocky the other day i was fucking was itching my back and i was like what the fuck i was going like it was my

lower back and i'm like itching it like what is fucking going on and I had to look I had to fucking get one of those makeup mirrors and I put it around back because I wasn't in a bathroom but I saw this mirror on the side of the ground I looked around back and I'm like what is that it's like a bunch of little I was like are those ants I look closer and they were fucking filming the new Lord of the Rings movie on my back. And I go, why are you guys there? And then it goes like this, because it looks like where we filmed Lord of the Rings. It's like, Jesus Christ, dude. Anyway.

Oh, should we do this other ones? All right. anyway, oh, should we do this, other ones, all right, um, all right, I don't need to talk about these Russian fucking things anymore, um, you guys, uh, so, yeah, I'm chilling, dude. I'm just going to be chilling. Oh, I want to do this. I want to do the most. Oh, this one? Really?

Where is it? I don't see it. I can't wait to get to the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. This is such a good one. Here we go. Got it. Cash app. Congratulations is brought to you by cash app, the most popular app named Cash App.

Bro, you got to see this. This was a great one. This was sent to me by somebody. I don't know. But this is the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh.

Okay. Gone. Dude, this one's great. I don't, you know, sometimes I don't do this, most fucked up Instagram post of the week okay dude this one's great i i don't i you know sometimes i don't do this most fucked up instagram post of the week because it got kind of like i did a lot of them and i was like okay where does it go and whatever and i know people love this segment and they keep hitting me oh god do most fucked up instagram post of the week people send me posts up most fucked up instagram post of the week but this one dude i was like i gotta do it okay so this is of a picture of a girl posing hardcore

uh at dinner she's got one of those stupid fuck drinks that anyone would drink because it's awful it's got like a fucking drink with like a peel in it you know just have the drink don't put shit in it that i can't drink so this girl's doing it she's in a red dress it's so photoshopped the photo you know a lot of makeup on this girl but also photoshopped okay and she's doing it like this she's doing it like this if you're on the video podcast she's doing it like this like almost touching her hair kind of but not touching her hair because it's sexy when you're kind of almost doing something but not actually doing it right like if you look at somebody from far away and you're like is their mouth open or closed you just get a fucking bone doggy because of it anyway uh here it this this is the actual

caption i can tell how unintelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am. First of all, the fact that you made this about men already is just amazingly genius. You don't know it, but you're an accidental genius. Okay? And also, within the first line, the only thing that we know is you're insecure. Okay? That's it. She writes, the person you are looking at, first of all, talking about it like it's not her, but it is her.

Hey, are you Ricky Henderson? Then don't refer to yourself in the third as the person you're looking at uh the person you're looking at has attended the best educational institutions in the world been top of the class all of her life smashed seven years of law school and training to become a lawyer no lawyer has said i smashed law school and training to become a lawyer. No lawyer has said I smashed law school. Unless also you're a guy and you do date rape.

Sailed through three Wall Street firms to date. Sailed. Is exceptionally intelligent, intuitive, and has worked very hard for everything she's rightfully, deservingly achieved, earned herself without relying on anyone else. All right.

And will continue to accomplish greatness for many more years to come. I mean, you don't know that. Who knows? Could die. You know? If you happen to be mistaken, expect this. This drives me nuts, dude. Queen to behave like a basic B.

First of all, just say bitch to themselves as queen dude it's it's it's so cringy it's like when a guy says he's the king like like i'm sorry lebron is this shit but that he goes by king james is the fucking worst dude there's no king of basketball it's so fucking cringy to me like i feel it in my heart like when when people are like oh that's a queen look at the way she fucking ran her own clothing line queen no queens are running a clothing line you know what a queen's doing sitting around by the way here's the other thing you don't want to be a king you don't want to be a king you're a guy you don't don't call yourself a king oh god like when a guy's in we got it we got a booth in fucking tao kings only like dude here's one thing that is for sure

about a king if you're a king you fuck so bad think about kings think about how think about who actual kings that rule lands you fuck so bad you're lazy you're in your throne or you're in your bed you're eating grapes you know nowadays you're watching fucking shit on Netflix or Hulu or Amazon Prime. And you're just sitting with your legs. When kings lay down, dude, their legs are so far apart because it's so disrespectful. A king never lays down with his fucking knees together. He's always got his legs open and his balls out like it's a pussy to be eaten. That's a king. That's some kid kitchen and they're eating off of their belly dude you think kings fuck good nope and i guarantee if you're

calling yourself a king in modern day society here in america or fucking ohio or indiana or whatever the fuck because you got a table at a club, you're basically saying you fuck bad. You splurt in a matter of seconds, and that's it. And your brat-cat-cat ain't even that hard, dude. I'm no king. You know why? Come on down to Boner City, where we got boners all day long. And I'll have sex with you for 11 minutes. Swear to God, no longer. Because then you're trying to prove something. You're no king, dude. You splurt in mere seconds.

So if you're a queen, I mean, just don't call yourself anything that has to do with royal, you know. There are some people out there that call themselves princes, too. And those people I like to call Persians because that's who does that hey i'm the prince hey what's up i'm the prince hey one time we laughed so hard in my me and my friends were like we came out we we came out we i came up with the most armenian Armenian, the most Armenian thing you could possibly say. This is the most Armenian thing you could possibly say. Okay. say okay so if you if you were in someone's house okay and and you touch their face by mistake right or even on purpose this is the most armenian thing you could say hey dog okay hey dog don't touch my face i

don't like that i don't i i don't come to your house and like put my fingers in your face and stuff like that i don't come wow that's the's the most Armenian shit you could possibly say. Is that someone touched your fucking face in a house and you said, I don't come to your house and put my hands in your face and all that shit. You don't see me coming to your house and putting my hands in your face and all that. Oh, my God. You know why? Because they always find some fucking shit to be disrespectful about that's so not disrespectful.

Hey, bro, did you ask? Did you ask? You know why? Because Armenians fucking love to be disrespected even though they pretend they're like hey it's about respect but they love to get disrespected that's why they're always being like hey hey hey hey hey don't lower the volume dog we're all here don't lower the volume on on on the during the commercial we're all here what if we wanted the volume during the commercial. We're all here. What if we wanted to buy what's on the TV, bro?

That's not cool, bro. I mean, imagine how exhausting it is. Dude. Dude. Oh! Wearing the glasses with the fucking that are so dark, sunglasses that are so dark up top but then fade lighter as they get lower sitting like this dude

sitting like this bro oh fuck man so funny they dude no They, dude, no, no Armenian. There's no movie. If you are an Armenian and you like any movie more than Scarface, you're not an Armenian. Straight up. They want everything to be like Scarface. They want life to be like Scarface so much it's unreal. Like Persian, Armenian life. They want it to be like Scarface so bad and it's so not

and they try so hard and it's so fucking funny, dude. For fuck's sake, I have a friend. One of my best friends. Persian. And he's just like, you know, bro? It is like that.

It is like Scarface. First you... Oh, man. Life is like that it is like scarface first you oh man life is like at first you get the money then you get power then then only then comes respect and they work at a fucking like a kiosk in the mall you know you're like really you're like you're like then you can get after you get respect then then you can get uh the uh the family plan with the with the mobile you can get, after you get respect, then you can get the family plan with a mobile. You can get a family plan. If you have that. Oh, fuck, dude. Like, say hello to my little friend.

Nima, he's the manager. He will help you. Oh, fuck, dude. Oh, fuck, dude. Oh, fuck. I want to chill with all the Armenians and just chill one day. God, they love. Oh, it's so funny. I go to, um, cool.

Spill coffee on my white shirt. Karma for making fun of Armenians. Oh, fuck. I used to go to, cool, spill coffee on my white shirt. Karma for making fun of Armenians. Oh, fuck. I used to go to coffee bean. I talking about, I was talking where I was, where I was,

where there were so many Persians and shit. And I used to love, I want it to be, I want it to hang with them so bad, but they didn't look like they would like, man, I would do that. Joe,

I would do, I did a joke, something like what I was talking about now on stage sometime at the Ha Ha Cafe. There were a bunch of Armenians in the crowd. And, dude, it was so fun, man. We were fucking laughing. I was making fun of him. I was saying that kind of shit.

And I was like, did you love the movie Scarface? And we were all laughing, dude. Fuck. That shit's awesome. See, that's why it sucks. It's like you could take what i said and be like oh i was bashing but it's like that shit is so whack it's when you're fucking making fun of someone with someone like that shit's love dude it's fucking love man like look we're all in this together it's fucking awesome if you make a joke then that's love especially that's what i do that's

what i love in my life is to make jokes if i'm doing that i love it anyway this fucking girl thinks she's a queen who may also be sitting there looking pretty posing with a cocktail in her hand wearing a nice dress who probably thinks doing these things means doing well at life who will jump at the first opportunity to offer herself to any man who shows her the slightest bit of attention or an or an x-note in exchange for an ego boost or for himself at her expense, as she clearly has no self-worth, respect, or morals, values, has accomplished nothing in life, and only has her looks to offer, which will fade very fast.

I mean, Jesus Christ. Then it merely reveals your lack of vision, intellect, and failure to distinguish gold from stone. Jesus Christ. I mean, this keeps going. The sad truth is you are obviously also an unintelligent basic being, just like the basic bee who is the only type of human you may be able to seek an invalid validation from your non-existing confidence self-worth. Describing the need to be associated with validated by basic bee as an embarrassment is quite an understatement in my

humble opinion. I mean, nothing is humble about this opinion. You called yourself good-looking, a queen. You said you sailed through fucking three Wall Street firms and went to the top-notch school, and you're like trashing guys, and then you end it with guys and, and you, and you, and then you end it with, in my humble opinion,

what is this world? And the comments are slay icon. Oh, icons. Another one that people throw around. You're not an icon. Cause you wrote a fucking caption. You asshole.

Icon dude. It's just. Also. When you write a post like that. No bashing. Involved here. Like. You only.

The only thing that. Is apparent. Is that you're. So insecure. Nobody, like, how about when people are like, you know, I'm, I'm intelligent. You don't like, who are you fucking Kanye West, dude? Nobody fucking let other people say those things about you. When you say that, the only thing I think is like, oh, wow. Everyone always says this about you because it's true.

So weird. Putting people back years to sad though honestly really really sad like you know i don't mean to be punching down but kind of sad like i mean i'm obviously not going to say her name so you don't fucking trash because i don't want that but my whole point is these captions they gotta go you're the first to go they point is these captions, they got to go. You're the first to go. They got to go, these captions. Just dinner, at dinner. Here, let me shorten your caption for you.

Had some drinks. That's all that happened here. That's all that happened. Okay, queen? All that happened is you had dinner. You're acting like you're on top of a mountain and it took you six weeks to get up there.

Nothing happened. You know what happened? You put on an outfit. These long captions, they gotta go. Some comedians do it. these long captions, they got to go. Some comedians do it. Don't talk about your fucking comedy, you know?

When you're on, my comedy is shaped and evolved and this and that. Oh, really? Let other people say that about you. Even when other people say it about you, I don't want to hear it. And if you're saying that about yourself, other people don't say that about you, by other people say it about you i don't want to hear it and if you're saying that about yourself other people don't say that about you by the way straight up stop romanticizing your own life if you romanticize your own life the only person you're bringing down is you this is a cult, dude. These are the things we learn at the log cabin.

And I've got a fucking red laser pointer, and I point to all sorts of Instagram posts. I say, no, no, no. This is a no. And what did she do here? And what did this guy do here? Somebody raises her hand. Yes, Linda. He said he was a king.

Correct. And what is he doing? He's just sitting in front of a fucking bottle of Cristal. Correct. And there you go. linda you deserve some fucking who wants to be sucking and fucking linda and linda goes oh i would like him and somebody goes i'll do it oh great this is it the hedonistic lifestyle congratulations congratulations linda you get your pussy eaten craig will you please go eat her pussy i I'll be happy to. Cool.

There's some fucking yoga mats out in the tall grass. Go do it outside. Take it to the limit. And then Armenians go like, oh, did you know where that song's from? That's from Scarface. It's so funny because... All right, I'm going to name an elder because i talked about how i liked her fucking movie ali wong and i'm gonna give her a fucking like so far the elders the comedians

that are elders brian callan brendan shop theo even though i never gave him his pin and certificate i forgot to fucking bring it to him uh And Ali Wong. Because we love Ali Wong. And she is the new elder for the log cabin. She is invited when we have our fucking thing going on. And for Always Be My Maybe. Movie kicks ass. Go check it out on Netflix now. Now, I'll give you a little hint.

True babies know what's up. Because we've got to fucking stay backing up the Brinks. Shreddily-uck. Okay? So, look, you guys. I'm going to wrap this up. And you can download the Crystalia app. Watch the first part of the podcast before anyone else.

It's fucking live. Buy new merch at the store.crystalia.com. We love your support. Thank you so much for real. It really means a lot. Restocks keep coming. So keep checking. And you can also get gift cards at the fucking store if you know another baby and their birthday is coming up.

You can do that. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. All this shit helps our podcast, by the way. Rate and review. If you're a real baby, you're a true baby, and you really want to fucking get it to this log cabin, leave some reviews. It really helps us out. Thank you very much, you guys. Oh, and I have some big news that I'm going to announce probably on the next podcast.

Some big, big news. That's very cool about a fucking career endeavor that I'm going to be doing, and I have some big news that I'm going to announce probably on the next podcast. Some big, big news that's very cool about a fucking career endeavor that I'm going to be doing and I'm very excited. Very, very excited about it, actually. So, that's what's up. Thank you very much. You guys are the best. You guys are the best. Watch Man on Fire and are incorrigible or

White Male Black Comic or Comedians of the World. Thanks. You guys are the World. Thanks. You guys are the shit. Okay.