Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 126. Meat Lover's Personality

Episode Date: June 24, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about cameo.com. Also discussed: dad bods, the book 1984, Benjamin Franklin's ladies, and people who are fun drunks. Plus we come back to LA for some missed connections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. What's up? It's me, and you're listening to Congratulations, the podcast, episode 126. Now, before we start, let's tell you where I'm going to be this week. You can pick up some tickets. Some of it's sold out, but some of it is not. So I'm going to be in Hoover, Alabama on June 26th for two shows.

Memphis, Tennessee, June 27th. Chattanooga, Tennessee, why'd you name it that way, June 28th. And Knoxville, Tennessee, June 29th. I, now look, we still sit down and do the podcast. Am I stuffed up? Yes. Is my ear clogged? Yes.

Was it clogged earlier in the week? No. And then when I took a flight back to LA, did it clog when I got in the air? Yes. Did I undo it by swallowing and opening up my mouth over and over again in the air? Yes. Was it fine in the air after that? Yes.

And then when I land, did it get clogged? Yes. And then after I landed, did I try to do the swallowing and open their mouth to clear it up again? Yes. Did it work? No. So it's a clogged mouth?

Yes. Now, does it make me mad? Yes. Would I have rather it worked when I landed than when I was on the plane? Of course. But is that how life works out? No. It's got to be the most annoying way possible,

and that's fine, because you know what? Honestly, I'm still backing up the brain strike my babies. That's why. Okay? Now I'm live on my app, and they're commenting right now. And you can download my app. Just type in Chris D'Elia whenever the fuck you want

on the App Store. And Andrew Cavalier, cool last name, comments right now on my live feed. I'm going to see you in Hoover on Wednesday. Well, there you go, buddy. I'll see you there. And then another guy named Aaron Adams

just wrote poop. So that's cool. Hey, so all good? Grow up? It's all good. I really, really can't. I have no – I mean, if there's anyone in the world that can't tell somebody else to grow up, it's me, okay? Because, I mean, I've made so many fart noises on this fucking podcast and also talked about Spots and Cummings so much.

But it's episode 126, and it's cool. It's very cool. I just had a meeting with Josh Lieberman, my manager, and it was good. And the whole fucking, you know, he's my manager. He's like, yeah, look. He's him. And it was all good.

We had a good meeting. So we're trying to develop some TV shows, and it's all good. I don't know, you know? Fucking this week was good. I was at a wedding, and also I was at a lake, so you figure it out, my babies. Dude, does D'Elia go to the fucking lake?

You're goddamn right he does. I go to the lake. I chilled. I was in a kayak. You saw saw my instagram i was doing it like this i was rowing i was going i was rowing like this and i looked fucking good dude i looked beefy man my shoulders were fucking you know i was surprised i didn't sink or tip over but it's all good you can't be in a kayak without looking like you're a fucking paraplegic by the way it's just impossible because your legs are so fucking wedged in there um now was i sick kinda am i on the mend yeah uh somebody comments on my app bodies of water man as good as it gets okay all right man sure sure the name's adam bonesaw change it so um and then also uh i was in philly for a wedding and

that was where uh mike lenochi fell down on the concrete because he was drunk and then farted and it was hilarious dude he has so much fucking dude he is a funny drunk dude he was so drunk where he was he got he got he was so drunk where he was like doing the thing with his fingers where he was just like the people kind of become like ray charles when they get drunk you know like they're like like they're like a little bit autistic just like touching each each thumb to their fingers like this over and over again but like dude it was so it was he so drunk. And he would just be like, hey, man. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey And he would just fall down to the ground. I'd be like, hey, man, stop. Come on, man, stop. And then he would just go to sit down again and I would just pull his fucking arm.

And he'd be like, hey, man. And he'd just fall on the ground. But, dude, it's so funny to fuck with your drunk friends. And he fell so hard, dude. I saw it out of the corner of my eye because I went to throw something away. Of course I wasn't looking and then i the corner of my eye i saw like it seemed like when you catch someone falling out of the corner of your eye and it's nighttime i caught like off the peripheral it felt like you know when dracula says okay bye bye and he goes and turns into a bat

that's what it felt that's what it felt like i saw at the corner of my eye like a guy just whispering with fucking bat and fly away but instead it was my friend who was so drunk and fell on the fucking missed his step just straight up missed his step in his stupid nice shoes because he got to wear nice shoes at a wedding, and fucking fell down. Dude, and he was, the best part too was, he was eating a fucking, he was eating a, like me and my girl, we were at fucking 7-Eleven with him,

and we were eating a, she had to get Tylenol, and he got a fucking brownie with a bunch of fucking M&Ms in it, and he was eating, like a fucking bitch, and he was eating like a fucking bitch and he was eating that and then fucking fell and when he fell the brownie fell on the ground and his face literally was saved hitting the concrete because it hit the fucking brownie dude his face hit the brownie and he was

laughing and he was he fell down his ass was in the his face hit the brownie. And he was laughing. And he fell down. His ass was in the air. His ass was in the air like he was doing the fucking worm. You know how in the 80s they used to do the breakdance and shit? But then he got stopped. It was like the color wheel was over his fucking ass while he was doing the worm. It was like his screen got froze right in the middle of him doing the worm.

The breakd break dancer worm. And, dude, we were dying. And I thought he turned into a bat. And I looked over and he was falling on the ground. Had he still fucking put the last piece of chocolate in his mouth while he was laughing? And, dude, I started recording it. You got to go on my Instagram. I started recording it.

And as soon as I started recording it, he was laughing. And he goes, oh. And I swear to God, he goes, and he farted, bro. Bro, he fell and he farted? Dude, he's 35 or 36, and he fell and he farted. You only fall and you fart? You can fall. You can fart. But falling and farting?

Bro, you're either 8 or 80. You're not 35 falling and farting. Because he was laughing too hard. He was laughing too hard on the ground. And he couldn't let... He couldn't close his sphincter. Because he was laughing so hard. And his ass was arched up like he was trying to get fucked.

Like he was Cardi B. And he fucking couldn't stop laughing. And he was laughing so hard and his ass was arched up like he was trying to get fucked. Like he was Cardi B. And he fucking couldn't stop laughing. And he was just like, seriously, you need to chill. And just... So anyway, I can't tell anyone to grow up. Let's see if I can find the... the Instagram here.

I'm going to go to my Instagram page. Bro. Yeah. Got it right here. Here we go. Do you hear that fart, bro? How happy am I, by the way? I sound like fucking Burt Kreischer.

Did you hear that? He farted too. Oh, he farted. Did you hear that? He farted too. Oh, he farted. Bro. It was one of those. It was one of those, bro. Danny Vick, when I was in New Jersey, used to do fart noises with just his lips, which I thought was a fucking shit move.

He would just be like, and I'd be like, bro, you got to put your teeth over your fucking bottom lip when you do fart noises. Right? And Danny Vick's like, nah, bro. And he would just go. And one time Danny Vick had a fucking tank top on a green tank top. And I said, bro, I don't want it to see if Danny Vick had fucking armpit hair yet. And I said, bro, can you make a muscle? Let me see how big your muscles are.

And he goes like this and he makes a muscle. And I said, oh, cool. And he said, I know why you made me do that. I said, why? He said, you want to see if I had arm hair yet armpit hair yet and i said no he caught me though but danny vick used to make the fucking thing that would go with his lips that's the fuck he was predicting the future bro this is the minor he was the minority for minority report of farts he knew that today that fucking this weekend mike lenochi was

gonna fall and just fart with the lip shit tell me that's not two lips together and not a fucking buck teeth over the fucking bottom lip fart bro how did it get so fucking loud in the phone i thought for sure it wouldn't pick up anyway bro and why did he dress like fucking queer i oh my god dude he set it up he fucking i it's i showed up to the wedding i had a long sleeve fucking nice shirt and a blazer ish type jacket and fucking dark dark jeans you can barely tell their jeans and then fucking gucci slipper shits you know what i mean not slippers but you know what i mean and he and he showed up in a suit and he was trying to clown me for not wearing a fucking suit and this dude looked like fucking swear to god like queer i dressed him up and then was like

well that was the best we could do and then he got so drunk and fell on the streets of philadelphia and fucking farted bro and oh and it was so annoying too because he he this guy saw us oh it was so annoying this guy's so annoying and this is what you know what I'm talking about. He's fucking, he was like 45 to 50, and there was a guy there, and he was so, as soon as Mike fell and farted, he said, the guy was walking by and he says, oh, he blew his knee out.

And I was like, what? He blew his knee out. I was like, nah, he's going to be fine. No, no, no, I saw the whole thing go down. He blew his knee out. And I was like, ah, he didn't blow his knee out. And he was like, oh, nah, he's going to be fine. No, no, no, I saw the whole thing go down. He blew his knee out. And I was like, ah, he didn't blow his knee out. And he was like, oh, yeah, he did. I saw it. And I was like, all right, man, you're ruining the fun, dude.

If your friend falls and farts, I don't fucking get all up in your face and be like, hey, this is what happened. This is what happened. This is what happened. This is what happened. Dude, let me laugh at my friend. Catch the fart on video because he fucking fell and farted on the streets of Philadelphia, bro. Do you understand how funny that is, bro? It's like this shit.

This is Mike's theme song. That's it, right there Put the dog barking in the video Right there That's it Right there. That's it. So disrespectful to Bruce Springsteen. But that's what Mike did. Right here.

Oh, he farted! Did you hear that? He farted too. Oh, he farted! I gotta turn the volume down on this. He farted too. Oh, he farted. I got to turn the volume down on this one. He farted too. Right here. Oh, he farted.

Did you hear that? He farted too. Oh, he farted. Did you hear that? He farted too. Oh, he farted. Dude, he fell in the streets of Philadelphia and farted looking like Oh, he farted. Dude, he fell in the streets of Philadelphia and farted looking like Queer Eye, dude. Dressed like fucking Jimmy Neutron's alcoholic dad, just farting.

Bro, he dressed like a fucking hairdresser and just fucking down for the count. Oh, for fuck's sake, dude. He still does the faux hawk shit, you know? Oh, fuck, that's so goddamn funny. 2019 with a faux hawk falling down in a suit fucking farting on the streets of Philadelphia, dude.

What's better than that? It's about to end coming. Dude. I have so much video too. I'm probably going to post the rest of it. I got to post the rest of it. better than that. Sparta isn't coming. Dude. I have so much video too. I'm probably going to post the rest of it. I got to post the rest of it. Oh man, there's so much video. I kept pulling his arm down. I got to post all those. God damn. It's so

funny to dress so nice and then get so fucked up. And then he kept telling the DJ he's like, come on. The DJ will play a song. It's so annoying when people try to tell the DJ what to do. It was so annoying and he was like, come on. The DJ will play a song. It's so annoying when people try to tell the DJ what to do. It was so annoying, and he was like, come on, spoof it up, he kept saying. Spoof it up, dude. I was like, do you mean, what do you mean?

Spruce it up? What are you talking about? Do you know what spoof is? And he kept saying, spoof it up, bro. Come on. Spoof it up, dude. I fucking love friends, man. I love friends.

And then he fucking straight up was like, one time we were video recording, and he goes like this, hey, don't record me. There's animals. Don't record me, there's animals. Dude, drunk people are amazing, dude. What else did he do?

Oh, fuck, man. Oh, it was so annoying, too too because during the wedding whenever you know how people like will be like during the wedding like people just when people are giving speeches during the wedding somebody will be like yeah and you know she's gonna be a doctor soon about the the bride and everyone will be like yeah i would go i would go like that i would do this i would go like this. I would do this. I would go, Dude. And then I was like, Shit, I don't want to ruin their wedding video. But every now and then, sparingly, I would go, And nobody even caught that it was weird

because just everyone was doing that. Oh, shit, man. Spoof it up. Danny Vick. I don't know how Danny Vick knew. Maybe my eyes told a story. Maybe that's why. Maybe Danny Vick caught me while my eyes were telling a story looking down

to his armpit hair. Gotta be better with my fucking move. I gotta be better. I would have been dead in that fucking book 1984. I'm in the middle of reading that book 1984 by George Orwell and that's the thing.

You can't even face crime. That's the thing. Think about that shit, dude. I think, by the way, I agree with a lot of shit going on in the book 1984. I know people are like, oh, there's totalitarian...

I can never say the word. Totalitarian... I can't ever fucking say the word totalitarian okay there so and people are like no we can't have that fuck that dude that's that's the shit face crime is a real thing you got to have face crime seriously they'll put you in jail if if big brother says some shit over the telescreens and then you go like this but that's it that's your ass dude face crime you got to cheer you got to be like yeah that's what you got to do in my world that's how it is i'm not going to kill anybody and i'm not going to go you know in the log cabin it's not this is not you can do what you want it's about fucking and sucking you know what i mean but you can't but you can't do face crime dude if i'm talking in the log cabin and somebody

goes like this the fuck you're out dude go take it take a fucking hike take a fucking straight up hike you can't do face crime at the log cabin. That's an offense. If I say some shit like, you know what, guys? I saw some vests earlier. We're not going to have vests, okay? There's going to be no vests. And you say, what the fuck? I go like this, get out.

And that's you. And then you got to walk across the fucking... Oh, he farted! Did you hear that? He farted too. Oh, he farted! Did you hear that? There's a little fart afterwards.

You can't really hear it. But he went... I said, oh, he farted! And he goes... Bro. It's so funny too. Like when... It's so funny to think about like earlier like when the guy sold him the suit you know like he did not think like oh he's gonna fucking fart in this suit but he did that's amazing i love that kind of shit um but yeah you can't do face crime bro

i agree with so much of this shit in the 1984 book i agree with it man thought crime face crime it's real. Because you can't, you can't, if the guy's, how much, how many times in your life have you wanted to knock somebody out that's gone like this? How many times?

How many times you said something and somebody goes like one time i said something i was 19 i was doing a movie i forget the name of the movie it was a fate wars and death bad girls and valley highs was called you can get it on some fucking thing i don't know it was 19 and i was in the hotel room with a bunch of actors and shit, and there was somebody on, like, it was like a show like Jerry Springer. And they were dressed so funky. And I was like, damn, look at that. That's crazy how they're dressed. And some guy goes, one of the actors, who's actually kind of famous right now.

I'm not going to blow up his spot, but this guy was a fucking dick to me. He says, bro, you ever been in new york like and i of course i wanted to knock him out and i go like this my man i live in la you know don't come at me with your stupid new york shit by the way yeah i've been in New York. I'm from New Jersey. My dad used to work in New York. Don't fucking come at me with that face crime shit. Don't come at me when I'm like, whoa, look at that guy, he's crazy.

And then this guy comes up to me and he's like this. You ever been to New York? Brrret, brrret, face crime. Don't face crime me in a fucking hotel room in Vancouver British Columbia dude you're gonna do face crime to me in Canada talking about New York I'm from LA dude

fucking ass get out of here he's an alright actor he's a good actor you know but I don't give a shit fucking ass, get out of here. He's an alright actor. He's a good actor, you know. But I don't give a shit, dude. Because you did face crime. And if you do face crime,

you're out. Anyway, my point is, I would have lost. In 1984, I would have got fucking studded up the whole time. I would have got studded up every day because there's no way I could hold my face crying I can't thought crime no way I'm thinking everyone's a fucking idiot I mean are you fucking kidding me no way a girl passed me a note that says she loved me I would my heart would have beat it and I would have been like, oh my god. Stuttered in jail for years.

Vaporized. Anyway, dude. Face crime is a real thing. We got to fucking get in control of it. It's like that kind of thing is what this – that kind of thought is what this podcast is largely against. That kind of like, bro, you ever been in new york that thought is what this pot that kernel of what that guy is is what this this podcast is against the guy who's always trying to seem more interesting than the next guy no because you've

been in new york you're somebody. Get the fuck out of here. It's like the whole fucking it's like it's like it's like the thing. It's like the dad bod thing. It's like the pizza thing. I'm so interesting how much I like pizza and I'm so skinny. Go fuck yourself, dude. You're not interesting. Get a personality.

Don't eat pizza. Get a purse. Don't buy a pizza. Get a personality. Don't eat pizza. Get a person. Don't buy a pizza. Get a personality. Get a personality with some fucking toppings on it, dude. Get a meat lover's personality, okay? Get a Papa John's personality because you're not fucking interesting just because you ordered a pizza and posed near it. Now, that's the kind of shit that we're talking about, my babies. This dad bod shit, shit. Take a fucking lunch. Take a fucking hike.

Bring your lunch. Dude, dad bod, you're not interesting because you say, I prefer a dad bod over a six pack. I get the sentiment. I get what you're saying. You don't like guys that take themselves too seriously and you don't like a guy who's too into himself but that doesn't mean you want a fat guy face crime that doesn't mean that and if you say that you're not interesting because you think you are and the

least interesting people are the people who think they're interesting. Oh, dude, me? I'm quirky. I like a guy with love handles. No, you don't. Take any guy you... Take your boyfriend. You'd like it if he fucking trimmed up a little bit, period. You don't... Oh, but I like his dad. But no, what you're saying is you like his personality. We get that. But also that but also hey bud tighten it up go ahead make excuses make excuses for everybody that's fine we're all gonna be fucking fat pieces of shit that's it i can tell well beyond your shit man and and you should be able to too that's the sentiment that this podcast is all against. And that's why this is a cult.

And we are fighting against that shit. Fucking dad bod. There are people who literally think, no, I actually really do prefer a dad bod. No, you don't, dude. No, you don't. And people are like, oh, well, okay. If Chris D'Elia says, okay, straight white male,

straight white male says dad bods are out, okay, fine. Dude, go ahead. Go ahead. All right, fine. But that's not the truth. Lie to yourself. Lie to yourself. Also, in the article where they were like, hey, dad bods are in,

it's like it showed Leonardo DiCaprio and fucking Chris Pratt from seven years ago. You mean guys with money and fame are in? Show a real dad bod guy. Show some guy you saw at the fucking ShopRite earlier. Getting a bunch of ham and some rolls. Show that guy. Show some guy you saw at the fucking ShopRite earlier. Getting a bunch of ham and some rolls. Show that guy. Oh, you don't? Because who is he? A fat guy.

How fat? And it's fine to be fat. And it's fine to love who you are. You should. Oh, I'm comfortable in my own body. Great, cool. Be comfortable. Be fat and comfortable, but don't act like you're more attracted to a dad bod

than you are with a guy who's got a fucking, you know, who's trimming it up. I'm not talking about the guy who's fucking obnoxiously large and muscle-wise. That guy's annoying as fuck, too. Or annoying as fuck, rather.. Not too because nobody's annoying but him. You know? Discover more value than ever at Loblaws. Like Fresh Promise.

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Remember when I got mad at him because of the shortest shit one was coupled with the two and not coupled with the three? He came through. Juan Fire. I got more ads later, but I got the shortest shit one

coupled with the two. So it's great. the shortest shit one coupled with the two so it's great um yeah man we get it be comfortable with your body sure for sure but also it's better to be trim it's better to be healthy it's better to be moving it's better to be active dude you know better to be moving. It's better to be active, dude. You know? I was at the Benjamin Franklin Museum in Philly. That dude was not active. Although he lived to be like 84. And he was not active.

And he was fucking in so much pain for the later part of his life. And he had gout because he never fucking moved around and liked to eat cheese or whatever the fuck. Cheese is so good. Dude, I could never be vegan because of cheese there's no way put cheese in my casket when i die i love cheese don't really put it in my casket it would smell bad not that i would be smelling it but just in case you can

smell when you die don't put cheese in my casket um but benjamin franklin was he invented so many fucking things it was insane how were you remember it's remember when like inventor was a job i mean i know it still kind of is you can still invent stuff like elon musk but he's like the only event like inventor where it was like i gotta keep coming up like in the in the 1700s you could be like yeah i gotta come up with a new thing because i'm an inventor because we only got like 17 things so far now everything's kind of been invented and you gotta like really be really fucking smart to be an inventor. But back then you could have been a fucking, you could have been like Mike Linoche and been a fucking inventor.

Like, yeah, you know, this helps when you fall down and you're laughing. You don't fart. You put it in your butt. Like, oh, you invented the fucking no fart plug. You can't now. You got all sorts of butt plugs. you can't now you got all sorts of butt plugs um but did you know ben franklin like loved to fucking live it up he loved to fuck hookers of course he did when i heard that i went like this

of course he did dude of course ben franklin loved to get fucking love to berber of course he did, dude. Of course Ben Franklin loved to get fucking, loved to burber. Of course Ben Franklin loved to burber when he went cack, cack, cack. Of course he did. And you know when he got blowjobs, he would go, you know it. After the sandwich, I'll get a,

you know, I'd love to sit in my chair. He had a blowjob chair, for sure. After the sandwich, I'll get a, you know, I'd love to sit in my chair. He had a blowjob chair, for sure. After the sandwich, I'd love to sit in my blowjob chair and just take a relaxing sit. I'd love to take a sit. And they would be so disrespectful, but it wasn't disrespectful back then. Excuse me, could you fetch me a milky whore? You know? And she would come by with her fucking

tits all out and shit and he would be like i'm going to sit in my blowjob chair and while i finish this you know while i finish this bread sandwich like he would just be this cheese bread sandwich would you mind if i just unloaded my sack into your trachea? And she'd be like, sure, because I invent. And he'd sit there, and then she'd do it, and then he'd have his fucking eat his sandwich on his belly while he was getting just sucked off, and he would be like, oh, that's how he would bust.

And then she'd leave, and then he would, like, invent a fucking visor, you know? This keeps your head cool, but still the sun out of your eyes. Now let me take, you know, I would love to get sucked by a milky whore. Let me undress. Give me 35 minutes because I'm wearing too many things.

You see what they wore? Dude, they have guys in Philly, like in the area where all the museums are. They have guys still dressed like that, like for fun. And I'm just like, bro, it's summer. You know, why do you have seven pair of pants on and two boots? And a fake, like, just an extra pouch. And billowy-ass fucking pants. It's 85 degrees.

You don't need to do that. Who are you doing this for, the kids? They don't really give a fuck. You can just give them a lollipop and they'd be much happier. He preferred older women as lovers. Did you know that? And this is why. I have an excerpt from what the fuck it is.

This is unbelievable that he wrote this shit and it was public. Because if you wrote something like this, you're canceled right now. The faced, he would just write shit. Benjamin Franklin didn't give a fuck. He would just write shit. This was a letter he wrote to some people.

You could just be like, when you were in the 1700s, you'd just write a letter and then just send it to a bunch of people, and that counted as a book. This is what he says. The face first grows lank and wrinkled. Then the neck. Then the breast and arms. The lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever, so that covering all above with a basket, and regarding only what is below the girdle, it is simply impossible of two women to know an old from a young one, and as in the dark

all cats are grey, the pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal and frequently superior, every knack being by practice capable of improvement. canceled, dude, this is the part that is the fucking disrespectful, dude, this is the part, and as in the dark, all cats are gray, doesn't matter, and then this part so that covering all above meaning above the waist with a basket basically he's the two live crew of his fucking generation being like yeah put a paper bag over her face if she's ugly and just fucking empty your sack in her hey ben franklin dude he's ben franklin's canceled bro i know he discovered electricity and invented the bifocals you know why he invented the i don't know why he invented the bifocals didn't matter what fucking rumps were looking like all cats are gray when you dim the lights that's just to go that's just to show you dude it's a sign of the times and the times are always a changing and also the leaders are always the most fucking insane people donald trump kanye west whoever the fuck you want to say they are they're always the most insane when donald trump

said yeah it was nice fucking iran didn't shoot didn't fucking murder 130 people in cold blood that was nice to them hey you're crazy and that's what that's who the leaders are and the dark all cats are gray talking about women eh sexist hey put it oh, let me write a letter to a bunch of people and count it as a book. Hey, dude, just put a bag over her face if she's old, and then fuck her. This guy was a leader. Wow, dude. Yeah, talk about dad bod. That guy had a granddad bod. about dad bod that guy had a granddad bod so insane dude crazy how times have changed right okay i guess you know i'm so stuffed up and it's all good dude i don't give a shit you know i'm not letting this shit take me down. Lying ass dad bod, motherfuckers.

Bro, you know this app Cameo? That where you can like be on Cameo and you can record personal messages for people who are fans of yours? I got on Cameo. Anytime there's a new app, I get on it i i feel like i should be on the new shit never know what's going to become the next instagram whatever and i also like doing social media and i never know if i'm going to like it until i already use it for a bunch so i got the app cameo and these motherfuckers dude i got cameo and i put it on for $1,000 because I saw the people were doing them for like 50 bucks. Dude, here's the deal.

Okay. I'm not recording personal messages for people for like fucking $30 a pop. Dude, I'm not going out there. Hey, Jason. Heard it was your birthday. Hey, Chris D'Elia here. Live it up. No dents.

And send it to them. Like, and then you get that for fucking 30 it's not worth it to me okay be a fan cool not recording personal messages all day to make fucking 700 you know what i'm saying this is not my bag also so i put it up i was like what's the most i could charge a thousand bucks no way i'm doing it for less than a thousand bucks no fucking way so couldn't do it for more because cameo wouldn't let you you think i wouldn't do it for 50 grand you're out of your fucking mind dude i want to be the most expensive guy on cameo don't give a fuck okay i i i uh so i did it got a few requests actually got like seven requests for a cameo person i'm like bro i'm gonna make seven grand off this shit. So all of a sudden I'm like, all right, maybe I'll do it.

Even though I don't want it. Did one. Okay. Two things happen. Felt cheap as shit. Cause I was like, eh, you can't, what am I going to do? Like 90 of these. And they're gonna be all over the internet.

Like, Hey fucking Alyssa. Hope your bar mitzvah was good. Bar mitzvah. What do you call them for chicks? Bot mitzvah was good, bar mitzvah, what do you call them for chicks, bat mitzvah, pick one, you know, pick your fucking, I hope your mitzvah was good, I'm calling them all mitzvahs from now on, hope your mitzvah was good, and then, and then that's it, and I'm not going to do seven of these? No. So then I was like, all right, I might not do it again. Then I found out Cameo takes 25%.

Bro, look, Cameo, respect your hustle. But also, you want to take that much money from me? So I didn't do another one, okay? Not doing another one unless I can charge out the fucking anus. You understand me, dude? I'm not doing it. Dude, you got to draw the line somewhere. Hey, new app.

New app. Give your phone number to fans for 50 bucks they can call you whenever they want no i'll fuck you out of your mind dude um so i you know so they took fucking 25 percent of this shit and i'm like all right so I'm never doing it again. Dude, I swear to God, the people on Cameo, they email me, they text me, they fucking do all the shits. They're like, hey, you got booked again. I don't give a fuck, okay? I respect your hustle.

All good. Do what you got to do because I get it. But no, dude, I'm not doing it. All right? I'll make money other ways. So they got me on their goddamn website like you can get a cameo for me. You can't. All right?

I didn't know that they put me on their fucking website either. I didn't know that shit. Bro, you can put me on the shit if I can charge 50K for a shout-out so I can... But, bro, you're going to take fucking... How much are you going to take from that 50K? You're going to take 12 grand from that? I understand. But, bro, give me at least fucking 38 of that shit.

Look at what I know on my bio. I ain't doing this shit for less than 1K. I make it more, but Cameo doesn't allow me to do it. You think I don't mean it? Set half-ass with the chorus in this song. Set half-ass in the chorus in this song. Set half-ass in the chorus. Check it out.

Right here. Set half-ass. Come on. There, it's still half-ass. Set half-ass! No face crime in this. They don't... us cause we're close to the ass we're trying not to lose our heads ha ha ha ha

ha ha ha ha like literally when they were younger their dad would beat the shit out of them when they laughed when they laughed at stuff that wasn't technically funny according to the dad ha ha ha ha, ha. No face crime in that video.

They're like, don't push me because I'm close to the edge. And if they make one move with their face, ha, ha, face crime, and then zzz. So they laugh, ha, ha, ha, ha. But my point is, look at these people charging this shit. Look at this, look at this.

Chuck Liddell, what's he charged for this thing can we tell 125 bucks for a shot okay fine now look that guy i don't know if he's got money in like real estate or some shit his fighting career is probably you know he's probably not fighting too much anymore i get it he's i'm sure he's made millions of dollars i think scroll up lance bass will brett farb brett farb 500 bucks why what the fuck is brett farb doing this for does he's got a sketchers deal or some shit uh you know these influencers i get bernie furlong dr drew 198 dollars the fuck is this shit i love dr drew the fuck is he doing? $198. Also, make it $200. What are you, a fucking what are you, a pair of speakers?

Look at it. Pauly Shore, $150. Pauly's fine. Brian Callen, $100. The fuck are you doing? The fuck are you doing? Guy makes a million dollars on his goddamn podcast. The fuck does he need $100 to say, hey, Craig, hope you're having a good fucking 25th birthday.

Joey Fatone. Look at this shit. Kevin O'Leary, the fucking billionaire on Shark Tank for $999. $999. What the fuck is he doing bro don't you own earth what is wrong with these motherfuckers

what the fuck is wrong with everybody on cameo for real honestly look at this look at this look at this shit go up look at some of these motherfuckers look at this shit. Go up. Look at some of these fucking motherfuckers. Look at this shit. Ryan Cabrera, $40.

The fuck? Go up a little more. Who's this? Johnny Damon, $100. This guy signed a fucking contract for like $3,000 million in fucking 2009. And he's, hey, what's up? Johnny Damon here. Used to play for the fucking Bo Sox. Just want to wish you, what's up? Johnny Damon here. Used to play for the fucking Bo Sox.

Just want to wish you a happy anniversary to you and your wife. Go ahead, slugger. For $100 fucking dollars? The guy's gonna make $75 off this shit because Cameo takes his shit. Fucking...

I understand, Johnny... Fucking... Damon? It's just unbelievable, this shit. Neo, dude. $125 million. Dude, Neo seriously makes, for real, $50 million just stepping into Europe. He just steps onto European land and makes $50 million.

Okay? This guy's charging $125 for a person. You know what? How about this? No, no bullshit. Now I'm not only, I'm not on cameo anymore for that. I'm buying a fucking personalized message to Neo from Neo. That's what I'm fucking doing right now.

After this podcast, I am purchasing a fucking personalized message from Neo. I'm going to give him $125 because I want him to be like, yo, what's up, Chris D'Elia? Hey, how you doing? It's Neo. Even though this dude makes $50 million as soon as the fucking Learjet door opens in fucking Sweden. door opens in fucking sweden as soon as that shit opens a guy shows up with a briefcase and goes here's 50 mil cash and neo fucking moonwalks backwards into the fucking plane and goes back you don't even need to perform i'm gonna buy a fucking shout out from neo on cameo straight up

so hopefully we'll have it by next week I'm going to buy a fucking shout out from Neo on Cameo. Straight up. So hopefully we'll have it by next week. Why am I not doing this? Why am I not buying all these? By the way, I'm buying all these motherfuckers. Why have I not thought of this? It's unbelievable I haven't thought of this. Speaking of making fucking money.

But yeah, dude. You know what I'm talking about. Ha ha. La la. Ma da ha. Doesn't rhyme. It's a basic. Dude, Mace, you know?

Mace. Quit, became a pastor, then tried to get back in the rap game. That's not gonna work. Hey, Mace quit became a pastor then tried to get back in the rap game that's not gonna work hey Mace hello this is earth oh yeah wait hello I have more to say doesn't matter hey Mace

this is earth you don't get to quit become a passer for 10 years and then come back and all of a sudden i'm pissed that this fucking arm is just taking a day off. This fucking thing's got ED. For fuck's sake, dude. Can't wait to get a fucking cameo from Neo, dude. Oh, how much can you get one from Sean Astin? For fucking $250. Somebody tweeted.

They're like, oh, the only thing funny about Chris Lee is that he thinks he's worth $1,000. Dude, shut the fuck up. This shit is priceless, bro. Unless you want to pay $50,000. That's what it is. That's what it is That's what it is I'm so stuffed up Cool

When I was Dude I was thinking about this When I was a kid The earliest memory you have Do you remember the earliest memory you have? It's like It's like Hard to remember before like three, you know? I remember when my brother was delivered. They say that like a baby's a pizza,

but I remember when my brother was born, and he came home, and he was in the car, and I asked my mom, because I was sitting next to him, and he was in the car seat, and I was like, why does next to him and he was in the car seat and I was like, why does he have wrinkly hands? My mom said, what? And he says, his fingers are all wrinkly. And my mom was like, oh, that happens to babies

because their skin isn't ready yet or some shit. I remember that. Then I also remember that day when my brother got home, my grandpa got me a He-Man toy and when they gave me the He-Man toy and they said, oh, Chris, isn't that cool? I said, yeah, but he just got me that because he's here. And I pointed to my brother.

He's as smart as a three-and-a-half-year-old because they're trying to make me feel good and also worth something, even though my brother was in the world now. And he stole my thunder. And it's all good. But that day, he stole my thunder because he was born, okay? But I also remember a time, one of the other earliest memories I ever had was when I was in my bedroom as a young, young kid,

young boy, um, there were, I had crayons in this yellow box. I forget what the yellow box was called, but you would unlatch the box, open it up and they were open. And I took the crayons off and I started drawing on the wall.

And my parents came in later and they were like, Oh my God, what the fuck did you do? You drew all over the wall. And I remember having the feeling thinking, what? You can't draw, you can't color on the wall? I remember feeling like, I didn't mean to do anything wrong. Dude, how crazy is that that I remember a time learning about how, like I didn't know it was bad to color on the wall and that was when i

learned it was bad to deface stuff that's fucking i felt good that i remembered that i remember thinking like oh my god i didn't mean to do something bad why is this fucking thing not work okay well this is breaking but we'll fix it one fire literally just goes uh-oh um but yeah i remember that what's your earliest memory tweet me but you know what i don't give a fuck but still you should think about it for yourself because you know if it's when you were like 12 you got fucking huge problems you're trying to fucking hide something um this is another thought i had that i never fucking thought about but like we have balls and a dick you know guys and like think about how uncomfortable that is for real like you don't think about how uncomfortable it is because it's just how you are.

But think about if you just balls and dicks didn't exist and then all of a sudden we just got balls and dicks. We would never not think about it. Every second of the day we'd be like, oh, fuck. They'd be like, yo, you want to go grab a soda out of the fridge? You'd be like, I got this balls and dick. I don't know, man. I just want to be careful, you know? Can we Postmates it?

You'd be like, yeah, but not right to your chair. You'd be like, all right, I'll go get a fucking, I'll tell you what, when I'm hungry, I'll get up because then I got to get food and the drink. That's crazy that we have balls and dick. That's insane that we just have this fucking target in the middle of our bodies that can be lightly brushed up against and ruin our fucking hour. That's insane. And we just have them?

Girls don't have them. Bro, if a girl gets kicked in the, you know, in the, I don't like to say it like this, but if a girl gets kicked in the twat, then she gets fucking, she's like, ow, but it hurts like she gets punched in the arm. If you get kicked in the balls, it hurts like you get kicked in your nucleus, dude. You're getting kicked in your nucleus? That shit probably would hurt as much, it probably hurts more than if someone were to reach inside and squeeze your brain. And we just have them on us? That's bullshit.

Jesus Christ should have made some fucking protective gear. You know, we had to do it manually as humans. We had to make a jockstrap. Bro, Jesus, get on it. We got balls on the outside? Come on, bro. Make a fucking football helmet. Give us football helmets over our balls.

We could have different teams and shit. Like, oh, you got the Eagles? I would get the Vikings. I would like to get the Vikings. I would like to have purple ones. A purple one, you know? Anyway, that's all I'm saying is you don't realize how fucking dainty balls are uh until you think about what if we just got them

yeah and that's probably the most important thing i possibly said on this whole podcast today or maybe even ever remember that episode 12 Episode 126, I think. So yeah, watch out for your balls, dude. Girls don't get it, too. One time I got hit in my balls, and I was playing t-ball, I was playing second base, and the dude, the kid, hit the ball off the t-ball, and I went to go catch it, and I missed it and hit my balls, and I was so embarrassing, and the coaches came up, and they were like,

oh no, well, where did it hit you? And I said, my stomach, and they said, oh, phew. And I realized that they said phew because it wasn't my balls and I was so embarrassing and the coaches came up and they were like oh no well where did it hit you and I said my stomach and they said oh phew and I realized that they said phew because it wasn't my balls but it was my balls but I was too embarrassed so I could have done some real damage luckily doesn't matter I can still go brrkkkk and boing

I can still berber with the best of them I can still fucking realize cats are in the darkest of times cats are gray in the dimmest of light cats are gray i could still put a basket over the top half of a woman and realize cats are gray benjamin franklin perv you know what benjamin franklin invaded invented the the fucking bifocals discovered electricity and also invented the perv so that's cool invented hooking um so that's what's up uh well let's go to let's do some um uh what do you call them Missed connections from L.A. L.A. missed connections.

L.A. missed connections. Is that it? That's all you said? Man, how about Kawhi? How about how he made a career off of a laugh that's amazing i mean he's great but that dude popped when he laughed boringly okay um here we go la you gave me a hand job on a flight from jfk to lax two nights ago wow it's always so crazy how these people don't exchange numbers to me uh i'm a guy you're a girl if this is you i don't think i need to be too specific unless you do this often lol anyway i can't stop thinking about this i don't know why we didn't

exchange info well neither do i you fucking weirdo because she made you spurt you know what i mean hey if someone makes you spurt get their number how about that dude what are you a fucking neanderthal do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. I highly doubt that. I bet somebody would probably be like, well, I'll do it. And he'd be like, okay. Dude, imagine being on a flight. I've never done anything on a flight like that.

Never. Mile High Club, people talk about that. I'm like, what? Oh, dude, you want to go into the bathroom together and fuck 30,000 miles in the air? Feet in the air? Sorry. 30,000 miles in the air? Feet in the air? Sorry. 30,000 feet in the air? Are you out of your mind?

Bustin' is for the ground. That's it. Save your bustin' for concrete. Here's another one. Glory Hole Open North Hollywood. All one word, by the way. I don't have time for spaces. Who are you fooling?

We can read it. Glory Hole Open North Hollywood. Open now. Wow. This is an ad for a glory hole? Jesus Christ. Does this cost money? Glory hole open now. Fucking cameo on cameo.

Glory hole is open occasionally. Servicing anyone who is curious or wants anonymous setup. Private apartment parking in front. Door unlocked. Walk in, drop pants, and insert through. G-H. Hey, man, just write it out at this point, okay? It's like this guy doesn't have time.

Bring your own porn. Huh? As if that's not fucking sexy enough. Bring your own porn. Huh? As if that's not fucking sexy enough. Bring your own porn. Have towels and hand sanitizer for easy cleanup. Yeah, but bro, I know what it's for. Bust and go service. Bust and go.

Discrete here. Inquire within. Open to questions. North Hollywood area. Open around 10 a. Inquire within. Open to questions. North Hollywood area. Open around 10 a.m. and on. Imagine fucking getting your dick sucked through a hole before lunch. Yeah, I'll meet you at El Pan. I'll meet you at Le Pain or whatever the fuck that place is.

Yeah, I'll meet you at fucking Le Pain. All right, cool. Yeah, it's in North is. Yeah, I'll meet you at fucking Le Pain. But we're going to 12. All right, cool. Yeah, it's in North Hollywood. Yeah, I'll meet you there. I'll meet you at fucking Rusty's Pizza over in Burbank. Send pics and number for faster service and replies. Open now.

Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. The whole thing is fucking unsolicited services or offices, dude. Got so many N-words for no reason. Alright, man. Well, if you want a glory hole, go hit up this fucking... What the fuck? Oh. Pie licking and more. Looking to eat someone out as long as they are clean. Okay.

No background check. Be careful. Also, don't do it. I'll make sure you come multiple times. He's got an ego. I'm 100% real. I have Snapchat if you want to get to know me please send a pic along with email thanks do not solicit do not contact me with unsolicited

services or offers you know it's like i love when guys are like i'll make sure you come i love when guys are like dude i'm good in bed that's so funny to me to have a guy be like to think that a guy's like that and he's like hell yeah all night long here we go and then as soon as he does he's just like okay well sorry want to listen to some music i mean so many n words in that song. Never realized it. You know it runs a bigger. All right, so that's it. You know Puff was 12 when they recorded that song?

All right, my babies. Dude, we had a good episode. That was really fun. We've got to get this fucking cameo going from Neo. Hopefully he'll do it. Download the Crystalia app where you can watch me live before anyone else does on the Neo. Hopefully he'll do it. Download the Chris D'Elia app where you can watch me live before anyone else does on the podcast. On the podcast. Congratulations. Support the show by buying merch

at store.christodelia.com or just go to christodelia.com and click through the shit. If you're not a fucking ignoramus, you'll be able to figure it out. Get gift cards too if you know someone's a fan. Subscribe to the YouTube channel, please. And rate and review the show that really helps us on the itunes shit and on the charts and all that uh video episodes

go up a day after the audio podcast so thank you very much and check me out in hoover memphis chattanooga and knoxville this week still tickets left on some of those venues uh atlantic city and tarrytown new york thank you very much tarrytown new york sounds like a pretty place but i'm going there i guess uh and that's it that's what's up thank you very much uh you guys are great and uh i still got some big news coming haven't been able to fucking report it yet but i will have a good one bye Bye. Bye. Bye.